#but it can also feel like that sometimes with alters that have poor communication (or ones that just hate me lol)

[caffeinatedopossum]

I honestly don't know how to tell the difference between my absence seizures and dissociation

[trashyreptilian]

Another reference sheet done. This one took way longer than expected lmao,,

Reblogs are appreciated! :3

===============================================

Biography (long read):

-General Info-

Full Name: Him Age: Ageless (Formed in 1975.) Height: 8'0'' ft Gender: Male Sex: Sexless Species: Wrath simulacrum (Inceptor) Homeplace: Huntstrail, Michigan (US) Romantic/Sexual Orientation: Biromantic Asexual

-Other Info-

Personality?: Him is looked down upon by its own species, and had earned himself the status of an outcast during its earlier years. This is why he typically tries avoiding other simulacrums. However, due to its past connection with an underground brawl ring, sometimes it gets entangled into fights. Whether they're started by others, or by it desperately seeking relief from its own mind, trouble follows it either way. His hostile attitude doesn't make it better. One would expect it to display this kind of violence upon humanity, instead of fellow demons. But Him's uncaring on the matter, reasoning that it's acting in self-defense and showing some justice for all the human lives its kind take away. It evidently feels far more sympathy for humans, aware of how fragile and complex they are. He has a fascination in their way of living and thinking. Even gained a lot of knowledge about their history and other topics in his own free time. With its closest relationship being with a human, the odd fondness is no surprise. Although having poor management of negative emotions, it represses them for the few he cares for. It can't bear to unload its burden onto anyone. Him tends to be just cold in general, but when comfortable he's willing to show his much nicer and curious side. It knows how to be gentle. When it feels an attachment to someone, he'll display genuine gestures of care and will be willing to spend time with them if asked.

Thinks Before Acting?: In a neutral state, sure. Unfortunately, that might fly right out the window once it's starting to become agitated. Pure blinding rage can easily take a hold of it. Making it impulsively lash out or spew out some truly heinous words, that it may or may not regret later.

Positive Traits?: Selfless, inquisitive, caring, persistent, attentive and loyal.

Negative Traits?: Impatient, self-loathing, aggressive, over-protective, stubborn and vindictive.

Way Of Speaking?: Only speaks fluent English and has no noticeable accent in its speech. His voice is low and gravelly, and usually stays at a calm tone. Which makes him more intimidating when talking, without ever having to raise its volume. But when he does, it steadily sounds more demonic. With inhumane growling interrupting its words while trying to talk. (Headcanon voice: https://youtu.be/cFHCt0eE3P0?t=5460)

Occupation?: Doesn't have a profession to uphold. He'd rather steal cash and goods if absolutely needed. Neither does it have any simulacrum tasks, duties, or anything else alike. Since he's trying to maintain self-isolation from his community. Though unless, you consider being the surrogate father and only caretaker of a young adult, a job by itself. Then yes, it still has his hands full with parental responsibilities.

Powers/Skills?: His species have unique powers and abilities. Though, what kind varies. It doesn't just depend on what stage they're at, but which sin they have too. Simulacrums are also far more biologically advanced than humans. So besides excluding most biological traits in this section. Here are all the noteworthy powers to mention. Within biological traits; aura detection and night-vision. Can tell what species someone is by naturally feeling their aura, the other one lets him see crystal clear in the dark. Within evolutionary abilities; body alteration, it can twist and contort his body in whichever way wanted. That's truly useful when under high negative emotions, as he'll morph into something that gives him a more uncanny and beastly-like look. Surface adhesion, free to walk or sit on walls and ceilings without the risk of falling. Personal matter manipulation, power to manipulate the entirety of its own being into a different state of matter. Either black smoke, or black liquid. It's a perfect way to flee and to get in through somewhere without notice. While in use, he's still fully sentient and is even able to talk. But the voice will be much quieter, less comprehensive. When materialized, he can also alter his overall shape and volume. Within sin-based abilities; primal strength. Simulacrums are already much stronger than humans. Now just times that typical strength for a wrathian by at least 10 and maybe more. Him always uses his teeth in combat the most. As he possesses two sets of uneven sharp teeth, one appearing up front, the other at the back of the first set. The only kind of drawback is that in some instances, it may go overboard and reach an animalistic state of mind. Kinda like a severe rush or high. But for someone who's experienced, like it, he manages to use this as a deadly advantage. Heightened senses, perception of external stimuli is very strong. His sight, smell and hearing are way more sensitive. But one sense that's particularly strong for him, is smell. If there's any kind of scent to fixate, he can track it down. At times, he's capable of visualizing a clear line of smell.

Hobbies?: Most beloved pastime of his is reading books, there's nearly nothing topping that. Soon in its first week of living, it quickly grew a passionate fascination for human literature. Since then it's been near impossible to see it without a book in its hands. Favorite genres are history and biology, texts that explore factual knowledge are its typical go-to. Given the chance, it'll go on a lengthy monologue about a random topic it happened to read recently. Happens to like board games too, which is mostly influenced by his son, Alfred. Though, it prefers simple card games as they cause less frustration. One hobby that might be a bit unexpected. Would be teaching his pet cat tricks. Some context. An unusual fixation it developed, was for felines. Whether it's big wild ones or tiny domesticated ones, he loves them all. Due to certain circumstances, it couldn't get its hands on a cat for a long time. When finally given one, it didn't take long to get attached. He soon started basic behavior training but later moved on with teaching tricks. And it continues to do so. He also likes to roam around random areas of his city. While it'd rather spend time inside, like a stay-at-home dad, it won't shy away from exploring. But he's very careful to not get caught by anyone. It'll hide and observe from a distance, usually people-watching. Arguably only one pastime surpasses reading, and that's spending time with his son. While he does ask at times, it prefers letting Alfred offer his time when he can. So far, it has rarely refused anything he's offered. Even if it felt like it needed to.

Habits?: Frequently smokes, nearly every day. Sounds bad at first but since he's a demon, there are no consequences. He likes the "feel" of it, and unironically loves the bad smell. When experiencing really bad stress, anxiety or annoyance, it roughly bites at its own skin. More precisely, usually his hands or arms. It clings onto the skin, letting his teeth sink in deep. There's been moments where it almost bit off a finger. However, the worst tendency it has is the way he handles negative emotions. It often chooses to bottle everything up, and deal with his problems alone. It'll lie or change the subject when anyone brings up its issues. In return, this creates a sort of vicious cycle where it bottles up its feelings, refuses to handle them in a healthy manner, violent conflicts ensue against random simulacrums to calm itself, and then later acts as if nothing's happened, pretending to be moving on.

Relationships? (Simplified): Its closest relationship is with a human, Alfred Thorn. It has known them for nearly their whole life, first interaction happened when he was 1 years old. Though, the original purpose of it even being around the little Thorn family was much sinister. It was there to replace his human target, Alfred's actual biological father. Replace them in a rather dark, literal sense. But due to it stalling its own progress, the target in question had abandoned the family when Alfred was 3. And before he could even notice the demon secretly living in their house. It had two choices; hunt the target down, or stay where he was for the young boy. A simulacrum wouldn't even entertain the second option, but Him grew attached to the child. Feeling a strange protective instinct just towards him, despite the confusion at his own unnatural feelings. From that point on, it decided to take the role of a father figure. Learning how to take care of a human child. During the early years, it was very conflicted with its own actions. Questioning if what it did was right, or moral. He eventually came to terms and stuck by with its decision. Interacting with a human has pretty much influenced the way it thinks. Nowhere near a perfect parent, but clearly loves Alfred and is overprotective of them. He has given it a sense of purpose for its existence, it greatly values that. Even the name "Him" he gave it, was kept. One thing it struggles the most with him, is opening up emotionally. Mostly because of his own personal struggles. Naturally, his tendency to bottle things up had rubbed off onto his own son. Yet despite it, they've formed a strong familial bond and friendship. Both are secretive of this relationship, for rather obvious reasons. They now live together as outcasts. Trying to make the best out of their lives while living in a small crummy apartment.

There's another human he's familiar with, Simon Belrose. Them and Alfred are very close friends, at some point he should have met Him. Even if it was never planned to happen. Their first encounter was rather terrible due to unfortunate circumstances. In which Simon didn't exactly see Him in its friendliest state, even though the aggression wasn't directed towards him. To say the poor guy was shocked to find out that his closest friend had been raised by some kind of demon, would be a huge understatement. It took a while for either of them to talk with one another. Him allowed Simon to approach it at his own pace, and remained avoidant whenever they happened to be in the same room. The last thing it wanted was to scare them more than he already did. Once they actually managed to strike up a conversation, things steadily got easier as Simon felt comfortable being around it. Both were able to strike up a basis for friendship with their common admiration for literature. Simon slowly introduced it to the fantasy genre, then moved over to Broadway musicals and everything else related to theater. As time flies, getting to know each other better, doing activities together. Simon sees Him as a supportive uncle figure. And it; views and treats them like he was just another kid of his.

Moving onto otherworldly beings. Xanthan, a theraangel, is someone Him was unaware of up until Alfred introduced them. It had absolutely no idea his son had been talking to this stranger in secret. Thing of note; as a simulacrum, it had believed that angels were long extinct because of the Overlord's indoctrination. Their first meeting also went terribly to put it simply. It had started awkwardly, then nearly ended in a physical fight if not for Alfred standing in between the two entities. Once they could manage a somewhat level-headed talk, Him was skeptical at the suggested idea of redemption. The angel insisted since its fatherly-like relationship with a human made it a fit candidate. Its hostile attitude was held back from getting worse by Alfred's insistence to trust the stranger. Through some arguing, it agreed to try the whole redemption thing. But only in exchange for Xanthan's proposed guardianship over Alfred, becoming his guardian angel. After that, they remain barely tolerant of one another. At a much later point, they feel more respect for each other. Him begins to admire Xanthan's way of fighting, and gradually grows interested in his past as a former envy simulacrum. Thanks to that, a friendship finally forms. As they both continue to bond, and feel genuine care for the other. The unexpected closeness they develop, makes its feelings complicated to its confusion. And at a further date, when Xanthan confesses his romantic love for it, just makes him even more confused. It doesn't give a proper answer to his confession, instead asks for some time to think it over. With Alfred's help and encouragement, Him reciprocates Xanthan's feelings. Kickstarting its first romantic bond.

Mentioning enemies. It doesn't have any troubles with humans, at least it seems like so currently. In the past, it had some violent thoughts about Alfred's biological mother. Whom was a relapsing alcoholic, and targeted her abuse only onto Alfred. But since moving away from the house, and into an apartment with his son. Neither have given her as much thought anymore, at least they try not to. Other simulacrums typically fall onto this term, mostly the ones Him has had fights with. Only the ones who survived the first time anyway. There's no particular rivalry with anyone. Yet one figure will cause trouble in the future, a simulacrum who perfectly contrasts Him in every way. A sort of walking reflection of everything it could have been if not for its empathy towards humanity. Another fairly important simulacrum to mention would be a fellow wrath simulacrum (specula). It's someone Him had working relations with, tying back to its past with an underground brawl ring. They had a little friendship going on, until certain events escalated and had to cut ties. Him is entirely silent about them, not even his son knows of them. They've only ever seen each other by accident, maintaining a frenemies vibe when briefly talking. Lastly, Lucifer. The Overlord, its creator. Him's disobedience wasn't looked over. The way it delayed taking out its target was one thing. But what really got it under their radar were the rumors spreading around that it had begun to care of a human child. Lucifer confronted Him merely once. Making it crystal clear that its actions were immoral, and if it caused any major fight back against their plans, they'd take care of it immediately. Since then, neither have come face-to-face again. What they said, ingrained into Him's psyche. While it's no longer loyal to them, no less it still fears what the Overlord’s truly capable of.

================================================

General rules for all of my FCs and OCs:

-While I'm fine with getting inspired by my work, please do not just steal the designs. -I am uncomfortable with my characters being unknowingly shipped with other people's characters. -Fanart is all well, great and welcomed! As long as it isn't sexual. I'm fine with gore but please, keep my characters away from your own sexual material.

[darin-nidk]

Judas. | Emily &. Demon!Reader x Saint Peter.

Content: Emily took sides too quickly, Vaggie is suspicious. Saint Peter doesn't recognize this new (old?) angel and can't explain why he feels drawn to them.

In Hell, location: the Hazbin Hotel

"I still don't get it... Why would Emily side so quickly with us? With your cause?", Vaggie thought outloud as she laid down on the bed with her eye staring at the ceiling, before moving to rest on her side as she stared at Charlie who had been reading that story her mom would have ages ago as she was having trouble falling asleep. The Princess of Hell froze at her girlfriend's question, now looking at her eye.

She was right, Vaggie was much sharper than her when it came to important details, after all, her girlfriend was logical whereas she was emotional which is why they complimented each other — Charlie hadn't pondered on why Emily was so quick to side with her and her cause, stand up against Sera and promising to help as much as she could, dimissing the lingering threat over her head to get expelled from Heaven as an openly viewed ally. Charlie had been blinded by finally having one who wasn't a demon that she had entirely overlooked something so obvious.

The blond demon tried to come up with an answer, but none came to her mind — she gave a puzzled look at her girlfriend who gave an awkward yet understanding smile before sitting down on bed and getting closer to Charlie. "As a former angel, I didn't question orders and simply followed. I... I did feel guilty everytime an extermination took place, more often than not", Vaggie let out a heavy side at that, and Charlie couldn't resist but to hold onto her, pulling her closer so she'd be sitting sideways on her lap on their shared bed. The angel blushed faintly before she took a deep breath and continued her story. "I would let kids escape, I would try to turn an eye to those who seemed vulnerable and... What I mean is, I didn't have free will exactly, I didn't question things even if I felt like crap. But Emily had a different status, a higher one and much more strict so she... She shouldn't be this... I don't know, just, something's off, Charlie".

The pair of girlfriends exchanged a glance and held each other. Since the last extermination took place... They hadn't been back to Heaven. Much less now that Lute was running the show. So, all they could do, was wait, and try to keep a positive mindset while also working on a variety of defense and attack plans while taking into consideration all possible altering factors within and outside their control. As a precaution.

In Heaven, location: Emily's room

"Can you please keep quiet or tone it down?", Emily whispered-shouted as she helped her friend get dressed like all the other angels in Heaven. (Y/N) had been her best friend since they were alive, both were raised in a small church community and they used to have the same values until life happened, causing them to become two different people — (Y/N) had lost their way, and lost their faith unlike Emily who kept holding onto the church, studying the bible, volunteering at shelters and more selfless acts because she also had the luxury of a better economical background whereas (Y/N) didn't have that cushion. As bitter as they were at times, it hurt that those who had a deeply need to survive were the most motivated to study and do research on any and everything, to hone their abilities to impress and sometimes surrender themselves to poor treatments and toxic enviroments, a lack of support equals grapsing whatever opportunity lies before you and being indifferent on whether it will be harmful or not.

The 'angel' stood still as their friend helped them dress up accordingly, changing their make up, their nails, even shaving the necessary bits. Emily was trying to make (Y/N) look as clean, fresh and impeccable as she could to mimic the exterior of someone who belongs to Heaven. How did Emily sneak them? By using the remaining bits of the portal that had allowed Sir Pentious to access Heaven as a newly redeemed soul. "I have been meaning to somehow bring you here, you are like my family. No, you are my family and the reason why I want sinners to be able to prove they can redeem themselves...", Emily spoke in a soft tone, cupping the side of (Y/N)'s face and smiled at them, making them smile in return as they leaned onto her touch. "Even before Adam had given us that poor list of how to end in Heaven, you were worth Heaven. Fuck, you were better than Adam himself who was the epitome of humankind yet he was worst than a demon", their eyes widened at her venomous words and darkened expression of irrate. Somewhat paranoid, their (e/c) eyes looked around nervously as Emily's wings flapped behind her and she flew off the ground, circling (Y/N) to see if any detail of their outer appearance was amiss. Humming and even chirping happily at her work, she descended onto the ground again and squealed, holding their hands and spinning around. "Your disguise is perfect, (Y/N)! Gosh, I can't wait to show you Heaven and all that you mlssed".

Smiling at her, (Y/N) felt guilt bubbling within their chest as endless scenarios of what could go wrong went through their mind yet Emily reassured them that no matter the outcome, she'd be there for them. It was a lovely sentiment, but Emily wouldn't make it in Hell as far as (Y/N) did.

In Heaven, location: the library

"—I'm telling you, I don't know how he made it past the gates when that's literally my work", Saint Peter groaned, he was in Heaven's extensive library trying to find a logical explanation as to why Sir Pentious made it into Heaven without even crossing the Pearly Gates — yet nothing showed up thus far, nothing that could explain how this came to be or why this was the only record and proof of a sinner getting redeemed. Was he talking to the bored librarian that wanted him gone? Yes. Was he mostly thinking outloud? Also yes. His wings were flapping behind him, clearly showing the stress he was experimenting as he paced back and forth through the library's floor, yet he was pulled away from this spiral of what-ifs thoughts by the door creaking and different step patterns which indicated that two other angels had joined him, and the librarian.

"Ah, names? Okay Emily and... Sorry, could you repeat that? Assigning an old citizen to work here with hearing problems and poor memory was a questionable choice", the librarian spoke, slowly and bored at this interaction but chuckled faintly nonetheless. "Ah, (Y/N)? Can't say I heard that name, but then again... Angels rarely come here, only Saint Peter".

A name he was acquainted with, followed by a name he never heard, Saint Peter himself who greets those who make it past the Pearly Gates. What is going on?, he is supposed to know every soul that got here. Exasperated, he abruptly turned around and if it wasn't because he was on the ground and throwing a fit with only his wings flapping behind him, Saint Peter was sure he'd have faceplanted onto the ground at the sight of Emily and this unknown angel.

The unknown angel and Saint Peter had locked gazes for a long amount of time, making the librarian and Emily herself feel like the third and fourth wheel. Clearing her throat, Emily made the pair break eye contact and look flustered before she pressed her palm in between (Y/N)'s shoulderblades and pushed them before her, looking up at Saint Peter and gesturing a introduce yourself expression. If they passed Heaven's watchful eyes, the one in charge of letting souls pass and know everyone's name in Heaven, they could fool God.

"Hi", their voice barely above a whisper as they watched Saint Peter spread his wings and fly from where he stood to slowly descend before them, still looking in a trance of sorts as his face had a yellow blush present. "I'm (Y/N), I think one of your ah, collegues? The one in the current shift greeted me and told me to uhm, you know, introduce myself to you".

Saint Peter was familiar with falling in love, he did so back in Earth yet when he reunited with his former wife in Heaven, they didn't feel that initial connection nor the obligation to get involved in a romantic relationship, remaining amicable at best and acquaintences at worst. Whatever they had on Earth had evaporated, only a feeling of familiarity whenever they crossed paths and they carried on without interacting, not even a wave. But this..? Saint Peter never felt his heart beating this fast, this erraticaly... His face felt like burning, and his mouth felt dry as his blue eyes widened, memorizing each detail and feature of them, a beautiful, astonishing... "Uhm, hi?". Snapping back to reality as he tried to focus on whatever they said, Saint Peter reached down to hold their hand and shake it as a greeting, making their own face turn a reddish hue as they got flustered. Adorable, deliciously so.

"Hi! Yes, pleasure to meet you, welcome to Heaven, (Y/N). Shall I give you a tour?", blue eyes were practically sparkling at the prospective of spending (alone) time with them, but there was an increasing worry creeping from the back of his mind, what's this desire to monopolize them..? It was worrisome, the need to touch their hands for longer than he should have, to stand this close within their personal space.

If you like my stories, consider donating to my Ko-Fi! Even cents are plenty of help!

Y si hablas español, 'tonces no seas garca y dame $2 para honrar el billete que no esta en circulación y que ni siquiera es de colección a mi MP .

[moonlit-escape]

★彡 ˙🌱. ¡! Vylad Mystreet headcanons !!

the second character i fell in love with. how cruel it is that he has fuck all going for him. I'll fix that.

korean and white

pansexual (actually this one is just canon) (cole petty ily)

doesn't have like a set label for his gender, and is cool with anything people wanna see him as

will try anything once

will put anything in his mouth

can sleep literally anywhere

i think this man might be the most laid-back, flexible person on the planet.

except towards geese because fuck those things

any time he has slept in a park he has made sure there were no geese around because those fuckers have stolen his stuff before and made him watch as they drowned it

listens to the most underground shit you've never heard and it all slaps (i didnt add this kind of stuff to his playlist though bc i wanted it to. make sense.)

also just listens to underrated music in general (includes just underrated songs from super popular bands)

currently holds an award for being the "funniest man on mystreet" and he didn't even have residency there

kind of has random visions about his friends in his sleep, but he just thinks they're normal dreams and that he misses his friends a lot (oh little does he know.)

used to say the most cryptic shit as a kid and freak his brothers out

being friends with vylad as a kid mustve been the weirdest experience. the kid eats glue, dirt, and moss, befriends frogs, crows, and moths, tells you you've suffered immense turmoil in a past life completely sincerely, and then infodumps about the entire history and process of typewriters for some fuckin reason

im 100% sure all three of the boys have autism and they got it from zianna

while he doesn't really want to connect himself to the ro'meave name (mainly bc of garte), he does love his family to death and sends his mom and brothers post cards every once in a while (when he remembers, mostly)

doesn't really reach out to his family any other way and neither do they. which he understands; communication is a two-way street

tries to stay positive and practice a healthy mindset and self-image, even and especially when he feels his insecurities and sense of self-worth creeping in

knows how to fish with nothing but a shoestring and a good fuckin stick

Loves pickin up good fuckin sticks

also cool rocks

he collects cool rocks from all the places he visits and keeps them in an old jewelry box. he keeps special ones he plans on giving to his friends in the top part of it

always making friends with stray dogs, cats, rats, raccoons, and opossums. someone stop him

has a johnny stein hotel transylvania relationship with his backpack (it literally has everything he owns in it)

knows how to fix and alter clothes

he knows how to do a lotta shit, alright. i don't think you'll find a craftier little guy than vylad ro'meave

except when it comes to fixing a water heater or anything to do with pipes or electrical tbh he hasn't lived in a house in a While

i'm obsessed w the idea that zane had spent so much time and effort trying to get gene to notice him meanwhile vylad enters gene's peripherals for 2.5 seconds and gene's like I Want Him.

poor vylad can't get on zane's better side for shit

owns a few skirts and dresses and high-heeled boots because he can wear whatever he wants

goes to ren faires whenever he can honestly. sometimes as a job!

when his hair gets too long he ties it back into a low ponytail or pigtails until he can get it cut again (doesnt really like having long hair)

wears weird and funky socks

he absolutely has a roblox account

likes to pronounce words wrong on purpose sometimes. mostly by putting emphasis on the wrong syllables

ABSOLUTELY adds extra e's to his words when texting bc thatse good showbiz babey!!

i'm coming to terms with the fact that he is most definitely a furry (not the type to dress up for it though. he just does artwork)

[applejuicefruit]

hc for Kylian taking care of reader where she’s into subspace?❤️❤️

At this point I might just start writing smuts 😩

I never been into subspace (don’t know if it’s good or bad it kinda scares me) so I tried to educate myself a little bit more.

Here’s if you missed something and you don’t know what is it :

In the BDSM community, this is sometimes referred to as subspace, and loosely described as a altered state of consciousness as the result of an intense power play scenario.

— Karley Sciortino, Vogue, 21 June 2017

Mom if you’re reading this, please forgive me

Someone give me holy water please

It’s a bit long 🌚

you must be 18+ to read this

Subspace

sex between you and kylian has always been amazing

he is your first ever boyfriend

which means you’ve never had sex before kylian came around

you thought he would laugh about it

but he didn’t

he took it very seriously

he wanted to wait a bit before having sex with you

he wanted to make sure you were comfortable enough

he waited for you

and you made the first move

it took him a while to understand what you liked

especially because you had no experience and you had no idea of what you liked

but he was very patient with you

you tried different things everytime

what you didn’t know is that you had a praise kink

he turns you on everytime he praises you

“my good girl”

“my sweet girl, you’re always so good for me”

you also have a dom kink

you like when he takes control

you let him do everything he wants

of course with consent

he likes being rough with you and you love it

but most of the time it ends up with you having the most blowing orgasm that you get lost into your little world

the first time it happened kylian freaked out

he thought he broke you, poor boy

so he whispered soft words trying to bring you out of the trance

he educated himself after that night so he knew what to do in case it happened again

so now everytime it happens he knows what to do

if it happens it means that he fucked you really good and he’s kinda proud of himself but he’s scared it might happen a lot of times

he doesn’t know how many times your brain and your body can take it

so firstly he will let you calm down a bit

he would scoop you in his arms

he would let you know that you’re safe

“i’m here baby” “you’re safe with me”

“come back to me baby”

sometimes it took you only a couple of minutes sometimes a bit more

but he has no rush

he wants to take care of you the way you deserve

“sweet girl come back to me”

he would kiss your head

massage your back

sometimes you say things that make no sense

“you were so good for me” he would say

“you’re always so good for me”

“i love you mon amour”

he knows you’re fully you when your eyes come back to normal

“there she is” he would say

sometimes you laugh about it

sometimes you just want to feel kylian hands around you so you hug him

he let you do whatever you want because he’s a softie

“are you okay?” he would always ask

truth is sex with kylian is always more than okay

[ghxst-system]

The systems misusing nonverbal and semiverbal upset me so much. We are bodily semiverbal. We have difficulty communicating and it's only worsened by our dissociation and schizospec stuff. We have many alters that are semiverbal and even have alters formed specifically to help communicate sometimes because we seriously cannot. And even then sometimes they fail to communicate for us.

It makes us upset seeing systems and anyone misuse them. We are dumb and we are slow. We have cognitive and mental disabilities. We struggle to think and understand a lot. And even we know that if we do not fully understand words that we do not feel comfortable using them.

It very easy to just not use words or to learn about them. Even as a ramcoa survivor and polyfrag system we still don't use subsystem because we cannot fully understand it. And it's okay to not understand. Sometimes it takes months before we use words and understand them. It takes us a while of learning between reading actual professional resources and personal experiences to understand. We still don't understand some of our own stuff. We still can't talk about schizotypal stuff even though we very much live it.

Feels like people see words and just go "Oh that me!" and don't even try to understand. Or try to understand what means beforehand. And cannot relate to that because always been scared about not understanding or misusing words so always try to make sure I understand best I can before using them. Because I know I can be very slow if not easily written out like a vocab word in elementary school. It takes time for us to use words to describe our own experiences because along with time accepting it, it takes time to even understand it. Like we know we polyfrag and ramcoa now, but took us months to learn and just as if not longer to accept. Because could not understand and comprehend.

I thought everyone would do this kind of thing. Look at professional sources and then try to understand them and also find people to help explain or people that experience it. And we are notoriously bad at research and stuff cause we are very slow and dumb. Does make us slightly salty about it though. But I know most people never mean harm. Still frustrating and hope more systems try to learn before hopping on using words especially when many are professional and medical words, not just community terms for funsies. They have meaning. They have purpose. They exist for reason. Meaning sticks to meaning.

(sorry for longer vent and sorry for if not word right cuz as we said we are dumb and semiverbal and struggle to communicate so tried to get thoughts out and stuff. Apologizing because very anxious and helps feel better if say sorry.)

But this just to say yes very frustrating and very glad someone says it. Semiverbal for semiverbal bodily. Nonverbal for nonverbal bodily. Permanent state. Not something go to. Important for these words to keep meaning when most of community already ignored nonverbal and semiverbal people. :( Systems too. Do not use nonverbal and semiverbal. Leave for systems that bodily nonverbal and bodily semiverbal just as they'd be for non-systems that are nonverbal and semiverbal.

(really hope made sense, always worry come off wrong, been treated poor for semiverbal struggles before :( sorry if too venty)

Hey you have no need to apologise!

I'm really grateful you resonated with this as a system who's also semiverbal bodily.

I just want to say, you aren't at all dumb okay? I hope you can learn to feel better about yourself and your disabilities and verbality

(Sorry for reply being short CFS is kicking our butt rn)

[the-kr8tor]

Sometimes I think about my OC (Could be R too tbh) who is a fallen "Angel" because she was born in a crime family, witnessed all the people doing horrible things her whole life yet still decided to trust in humanity because of how kind and caring and loving her (said crime) family is. Also her family is kinda "preserving the family business" kinda crime family and tbh did more good for their community then their corrupted PD and government could do so, it's so natural that she tries to see good in everyone. But Fate was never on her side, like she could be the unluckiest being in her universe. (If there's a hypothetically an always winning horse and she bets on it, that horse will get lose every time she bet kinda level unlucky LOL) hen she gets 🕷🕸 power, it was so painful. Like normal spidey get bitten and they're not even caring more than a flinch, right? I was inspired by a headcanon that Hobie's spiderbite event would be more painful and severe than normal "peter's spidey" or Miles' one would because his would be the spider that crawled out of frickin radioactive wastes, hence stronger reaction to the body. And I couldn't think of other ways except that scene you wrote in TTN. I'd like the irony of a teenager who's afraid of spider and heights becoming a spidey, lolol. also thinks of Angel not only having severe reaction for the bite because it alters her sensory and skin, it's all she got. Like sure, now she can feels more vibrations against her skin if the distance is near enough(constant annoying spidersense) and she can crawl against wall now, but not much strength enhancement, no natural webbing, no strong healing, etc. Thank god that she's too durable orignally because she'd be long gone even before meeting Hobie if not, LMAO. Basically, the supposed "power ups" are contradicted to her fears but she tries and makes things work, yk. She's so naive, and childish and friendly sometimes. Girlie trusted someone falling down on her through the multiversal tube line (Hobie) right on the scene. No questions asked I would trust whatever his pretty arse sprew abt too tbh They became friends, he becomes her moon as she shines on him like the first ray of sunshine in the morning (I'd say Hobie's pretty cooked when he described her like that since he's from London-)but THEY NEVER CONFESSED BUT BUT... When Hobie finally brings out the courage to ask her out because he just realized how dangerous their line of work is and wants to say it to her before one of them is gone... She died from blood loss after bleeding out all night after her last fight with Green Goblin and stopping his crime family went downhill because Goddamn Capt. Stacy not only snitched her out but also led her to the wrong death end so she's cornered... He did those because Gwen and Peter are held hostage but I still hate him for the writing decisions I made<//3 After Hobie reached her and tried to stop the pale blue body that had too much cut on the beautiful face he admired so much in silence while sobbing, it was finally the moment that Death claimed her after a long agonizing, bleeding night, right on his arm... Thank you for listening to my rant ted talk~ -🦊

Me on the first half:

Angel has such an interesting back story!! I love her already 😍 Hobie's reaction to her being a crime lord's kid would either be hilarious or a real wtf expression

Lmaoo true I'd trust hobie with my life

Me reading the end:

DAMN U CAPT STACY!!!

They never confessed 😭😭😭😭😭😭 POOR HOBIE HE HAS ANOTHER CANON EVENT 😔

Thank u for the ted talk ❤️

[granulesofsand]

Alter Race

or, more accurately,

the Ethnicities and Nationalities We Cannot Claim

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA, death. This is about how we, as a white system, move with alters who hold an identity they shouldn’t (and a few we believe should). No one has to read this, but if you do and have a problem with it, we would appreciate your articulating it.

Blanks

We call unelaborated alters ‘blanks’ when they lack experience. They have room for more, but for some reason, they don’t have it yet. Usually this happens with newly formed alters, sometimes also with programmed or trauma-stuck folks.

And they are sponges for information. We get introjects like this, or people who don’t know they’ve never been something or someplace.

Maybe vs Not At All

We have Russian alters, but we don’t know which of them are maybe Russian (formed or elaborated in Russia as a culturally integrated member of a Russian community) and which are not at all Russian (made to think they were in Russia, elaborated by someone with a Russian accent, were fronting for a TV show with mimicked accents and scenes). We know there are some of each, but not who is who.

Degrees of Separation

🗝️🏷️ death in orange

We have poor representations of Mexican people from overexposure to actual people in and native to Mexico who were dangerous, and safe-enough representations of hispanic people from outerworld friends who were generations away from the last family member to set foot in Latin America.

We have BBC British alters who only saw humans on that channel. Others took accents from media where characters did not identify themselves as British, but whose actors were.

We have alters who think they were in Japan, but couldn’t have been given our life history. We have alters who think they are French or German but could not have even had contact with a person who truly was.

We have a few introjects of people who we didn’t know the origins of, but whose image we absorbed because we desperately wanted them to know a life outside of the horror they lived and died in.

False Impressions

We have people who were kept on islands where everyone spoke that language and acted according to the context they were given. We have lots of people whose given culture doesn’t exist, or hasn’t existed in any human’s lifetime. Some of those have been extinct so long, modern folk only know what they looked like by salvaged art we think was of a person in that community.

The worst are caricatures of identities our perps didn’t like, forced to look and act a certain way to enforce their view. Few of those alters choose to keep that appearance as they heal, and those that do make up a small portion of the alters who look similar. None of the recovered or untraumatized alters believe they can claim a racial or ethnic identity by internal features, and most never believed they could.

Fighting Shame

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA in orange

And it’s hard not to be ashamed of them. The few who have malicious ideas about the culture they supposedly come from were taught to be like that through torture, the few that have misconceptions we lied to or only ever near a version of the culture that hurt them.

It’s not their fault, and they’re changing. The few problems we do run into with them feel huge, but they aren’t as bad as they seem. They would be better off growing without us balking at them.

They also need to go to therapy, even when they have obvious accents, even when those accents sound fake. They deserve access to literacy and expression. We think it would be healthier to let them exist as they are, and the ones who have problematic behaviors will learn from other insiders how to make their own informed decisions.

Making Change

We don’t want to have them loose, offending people or acting on false information. That’s why we teach them; not to force them to change, but because most of us want to once we have more context. Better context.

One thing we’re working on for those attached to their identity is elaboration. The ones with bad exposure get better experiences, the ones who got no exposure get both. If they won’t let go of what they consider themselves to be, we keep them inside so they can develop traditions and contexts that don’t belong to any external culture.

We group people by similar beliefs, introduce them and give them access to each other. They begin to form a mix that is nothing of the outside world. This is easy when we show them our internal functions, deities that exist in this form only here and magics that cannot be except as they use them.

We only allow an outerworld identity to be held after we’ve learned about that group’s open/closedness, and when we believe an alter has met the criteria established by that group for an outsider to become a member. Sometimes inside people have to change their labels to match what outside people say they can be, and we guide them there by showing them this information.

Harm reduction first, then we try to give habits that replace the ones we discourage. It’s hard and it’s embarrassing, but we do it because nothing changes without us changing it.

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

why i don't really write things centering jjba!Cecio?

So... JJBA Cecio... and why dont i write much about his central thing of being a mafia controlled cop or change it to something else. warnings for discussion of police and their role as violent enforcers of the state

Tldr: i feel uncomfortable humanizing a cop while writing how much corruption and brutality they do, in a way i dont feel with Muro and Tesoro and Conficcare despite them also doing awful things, meaning i dont think i will ever properly write about the center of Cecios story, but also i dont want to change it to something that triggers me less bc its so core to his character and came from something i was trying to say, so its just gonna be this hole that i maneuver around.

so in Celia & co, Cecio is persuaded to train as an officer and act as a informant and inside agent for Passione by a member of the data analysis team, and uses his sob story and pretty face to act as a 'good cop' while secretly doing what passione wants from him- evidence tampering, altering cases, disappearing people, ect..

For many many reasons i struggle to write him with the same level of flawed humanity and emotion as i give my other also horrible and violent characters [Muro, Tesoro, ect...] when hes in uniform, mainly because of me and my communities experiences with police brutality.

yeah, yeah, we need to remember that these people are human and many of us can all turn into fascistic and violent enforcers the states will if in the wrong circumstances and we shouldn't label pigs as something other and separate, rather as people who believe the lies and often think they are doing 'right'

But you wont see much of that from me. the only good cop is a dead cop, and its not exactly subversive or needed to go "🥺 but they have thoughts and feelings and reasons and family too! 🥺" [🤢] I place it in a similar mental spot as "Look at all those poor soldiers traumatized by killing brown people" aka we dont need more and in pretty poor taste to focus on their trauma over the trauma and deaths of people they are killing.

So don't expect any fics exploring Cecios mindset as he ruins peoples lives because its probably never happening unless we see a world were a complete abolishing the police is feasible and nothing arises to replace them and i also get over my own revulsion of everything cop.

[am i biased in how i humanize Muro and Tesoro and Conficcare and Rametta and the conditions that led to them being career criminals but draw a line at a pig? Eh. Maybe, but quite frankly i think drawing a line at humanizing perpetrators of state sanctioned violence and giving sympathy to the reasons they do in my own works is a pretty sane line to draw. i mean i've lived in one of the worst areas of london and all i gotta say on gang shit is my dad probably deserved it when he got his ass beat and i kept my head low and my tone respectable like any smart kid, whereas nothing quite inspires fear in me like seeing a cop]

Now onto why i haven't changed it even if i will probably never be able to explore whats pretty much the center of his character.

He's a piss take. a satire. A commentary on the very thin line of legality that separates cops from violent criminals in the eyes of the public

Cecio is a police officer who works for a criminal organization and follows their explicit and implicit orders to frame people, brutalize them, fake evidence, and make sure that no-one around him is 'good' and are instead beaten down and manipulate into going with whatever his superiors want. He is a blight on his community and betrays them to help himself, all while pretending to be a nice and good young man, with people eating it up to excuse the acts he commits.

So he's just a slightly worse than average cop 🤷‍♂️

there's just functionally so little difference between his role as a police officer and his role as mafia plant in the force, other than sometimes his orders from the cops and criminals conflict.

Maybe i will change him to some other career, like a forensics cop not just a detective, where he isnt quite the same in terms of enacting violence and is 'just' altering evidence, but the core of his character is the idea that you slap a pretty face and a sob story on a very dangerous criminal cop and he can get away with anything, and that the line between organized crime and police forces is mainly which one is formally employed by the government. [Its why trickster is perfect for him, his character is one big joke at how society excuses police corruption and state violence with the thinnest of excuses]

Im turning reblogs off on this, but im more than happy to answer questions/asks given in good faith. this shit is something i dont mind discussing its more the act of writing a story about it makes me too uncomfortable

[drinkinboilingcoffee]

Official statement regarding the current outbreak (released as of March 17th, 2024)

Symptoms: Taking effect much faster than typical prions, symptoms take hold about 2 days after infection. Symptoms begin as impaired thinking and memory. After about a week, muscle stiffness, limping/changed gait, hallucinations, and increased aggression will begin to afflict the infected. The infected may also suffer uncontrollable fits of laughing or crying at this stage. Symptoms will progressively increase in severity until at about 2 weeks, the infected falls into a fit of seizures, causing further psychological damage. Upon awakening, the infected will have lost its ability to communicate and will become extremely aggressive, lashing out at any living creatures it can find. At this point, the infected should be considered deceased.

Contrary to popular belief, the disease does not kill the host (as normal prions would) and revive them. Instead, the victim’s mind is atrophied to the point of inability to use human reason. They are driven by aggression, and will attack on sight. Infected still require food and water to survive, and water sources they’ve dranken from, as well as carcasses they’ve consumed, countain their saliva and should be considered highly contagious.

As the infected cease human hygiene practices, they are likely to contract a number of funguses and diseases, giving the illusion of the person rotting.

How to identify infected: Infected individuals walk with an odd gate, typically limping or sometimes walking in circles and often accompanied by twitching or spasms. Any attempts to communicate with it verbally or nonverbally will be ignored. It may occasionally let out loud screeches or screams, or be overcome with fits of laughing or crying. Infected personnel will be extremely aggressive, lashing out at any who come near and seeking out any sources of movement or loud noise.

Depending on the amount of time since infection, some may appear sickly or near decomposed. Look for untreated cuts and bruises, soiled or tattered clothing, open sores or rashes, and other signs of illness or poor hygiene. Be aware that some survivors may also exhibit similar signs, so do not fire on sight until you’ve either confirmed infection by inability to communicate or you feel your life may be in immediate danger from waiting any longer.

Means of spreading: The disease spreads via infected bodily fluids. Being bitten by an infected and contracting their saliva is the most effective means of spreading. However, soil, water, crops and meat contaminated by the disease are also highly dangerous.

Cause: The disease is caused by an altered form of prions (a mutated protein that affects the brain- look it up, it’s absolutely terrifying). The condition is known as Neurological Atrophication Disease (NAD)

Host: All mammals (only mammals can be infected. Other animals can still spread it.)

Prognosis: There is no known cure or treatment for the disease, and symptoms are guaranteed to develop after infection. Those infected are recommended to be put out of their misery before becoming too aggressive.

Status: Pandemic

Mutations: One rare strain of the disease is quickly fatal. This could be considered better or worse, as it reduces the spread but results in more human death. Symptoms are the same, only develop quicker, and the seizures are 100% fatal. It is currently unclear whether this variant will die out or take over.

How it began: The disease first originated in pork, and quickly spread across stock, infecting entire farms before symptoms even arose. The infected meat was distributed across the US and spread rapidly across the globe via travel and public water supplies.

How to prevent the spread: World Health Organization procedure recommends you put down any infected you encounter. Be careful not to come into contact with the blood, as it is highly contaminated. Do not hunt or consume any animals exhibiting unusual behavior. If possible, try to eat things like poultry and high hanging fruit that you gather yourself. Be aware that prions can still be absorbed through soil and transmitted by plants and animals that don’t develop symptoms, so do not assume this will save you. Do not fish in or drink from large bodies of still water, as these are almost guaranteed to be infected by now. Collect water from rain and fast moving rivers (going as far up to the source as possible).

Prions cannot be killed, as they are proteins, not alive. Bleach can inactivate the proteins on hard surfaces (but not tissue), as can exposure to heat in excess of 900 degrees for several hours. As such, you are recommended to bleach any surfaces you suspect may contain infected bodily fluids. If you aren’t sure which surfaces are infected, you should set fire to the building. There is no known method of disinfecting food while maintaining its edibility.

How to keep yourself safe from the infected: Barricade your home as best as possible. Stock up on firearms and other weapons. Move around as silently as possible. Most infected aren’t particularly strong or fast in their current state, but they are incredibly persistent. They will continue to chase after prey for long periods of time, maintaining full sprints for 2-3 hours before collapsing, and tracking prey across several kilometers and attacking once their quarry is too exhausted to move.

The infected tend to rely on hearing to find people. Do not make loud noise or operate heavy machinery. If one infected individual spots you, it is likely to begin making loud noises through its movement and vocalization, inevitably drawing in more infected. If possible, take them out as quietly and quickly as you can. Silencers are highly recommended for firearms. The use of generators is strongly discouraged, as the constant noise gives off your position. It is more important to remain hidden than to have power. 

Seek shelter in cold climates. The infected aren’t intelligent enough to bundle up, so they are likely to succumb to hypothermia. If you cannot reach such a place, stick to rural environments where the concentration of human infected will be lower. Do not settle in forests with high concentrations of mammalian wildlife. Such forests may be overrun with aggressive creatures.

We thank you for your understanding and cooperation during this critical time.

Please take care, stay safe, and stop the spread.

World Health organization & United States Government

[tirednerd2012]

I would love to see Jonathan with a power like mental domination. Because I feel like it would be something he would see as more of a curse than a gift. He has a good handle on his power but to be super safe he chooses his words very carefully. He tries really hard to never say anything that sounds like a command. Because while he has a handle on it he never knows if he could mess up one day and get overwhelmed to the point that he uses it. I think that the fear would come from the one time he did lose control. Brenner pushed him to his limit. One minute there are ten guards holding him down to be sedated and the next thing he knows they are all dead at his feet because he told them to drop dead. I think after that he has nightmares about it. Like maybe some days he doesn’t speak at all to be sure nothing happens. A part of Will’s power is reading minds, so he has someone to communicate with on those days when they happen. Sometimes it takes a while for him to calm down enough to use his voice again. When he does use his powers on purpose it’s to protect his family.

Do we love giving Jonathan Byers trauma? Because I actually love the idea. Poor Jonathan would be so scared to use it, though.

Jonathan has the ability for mental domination, thought altering, emotion regulation, and he can change what someone is seeing. Brenner thought that he, Will and El were too dangerous which is what led to them needing to escape because Will read Brenner's mind on accident about how he intended on allowing the other kids to try and kill them after Jonathan killed 10 guards.

It was an accident. They went to sedate him, Will and El, and he panicked when the twins started to scream. He demanded that the guards drop dead and they did. No one moved. Brenner didn't realize Jonathan could command people to die, and neither did Jonathan, so both of them are just stunned and the twins are shocked by the bodies. Will was trying to read Jonathan's mind to communicate with him and he wanted to know what Brenner was thinking because he looked just as scared as Jonathan. Then he heard Brenner think that they needed to die, otherwise they were going to become too powerful. He told Jonathan later and then Jonathan planned the escape.

They're found by Joyce and Hopper later and that's when the boys' heritage is discovered. Jonathan knew that he always felt close with the twins and always wanted to keep them safe, so he's not too surprised and it changes nothing about El, she is his sister and if anyone had a problem with it, they could take it up with him. Will's abilities include mind reading, world altering, and, discovered years later during the time of Vecna, healing. El has her normal powers. Jonathan is amazed with the twins' abilities, but sees his more as a curse. He never gives commands, even when he has control of it, but sometimes he feels like he is going to lose it.

Some days when he isn't sure, he doesn't speak at all. Joyce and Hopper grow used to Will answering things for Jonathan during this time, but they want to help Jonathan feel more in control of his powers. Hopper understands just how deadly Jonathan (and all the kids) can be when they're handling the demodogs during Will's possession and, over it, Jonathan tells it all to drop dead and they do. It's also how he's able to lead the Mind Flayer out of Will while El closes the gate, though Joyce and Nancy are the ones to see that. They use heat like before, but in a moment of desperation, Jonathan uses his abilities to draw the Mind Flayer out of Will by commanding it, though the process is much more painful for Will because Jonathan is having to command Will and the Mind Flayer at the same time, which was something everyone wanted to avoid, Jonathan the most, but it had to be done when Will broke free from the restraints and had his hands around Joyce's throat. After, Will collapses against Jonathan and cries in panic and pain, while Jonathan falls silent because he's worried about what he might say.

During the entire Vecna situation, Jonathan was a target and it led to an argument between Will and Jonathan as the oldest brother was willing to sacrifice himself if that meant the others got to kill Vecna and end this whole thing. For some reason, his powers don't work when Vecna is in his mind, anything Jonathan wants to do has to be done in the Upside Down, but Jonathan doesn't want to risk the twins going in there, so he feels that this is the best way. Vecna will possess him and El and Will would do their thing and kill Vecna while he is in Jonathan's mind, so at least Jonathan has some control of the battlefield and can help that way. And he can push them out when it needs to be done, even if he can't do it for himself. Will hates the plan, and says that they don't even know what they're all capable of yet and there has to be a way for them to all survive. It blows up and the two brothers are practically in a screaming match, everyone stunned because they never fight. Ever. Then Jonathan gets overwhelmed and in the heat of the moment, tells Will to shut up, and due to his powers, Will does. And Jonathan stops, too, because he didn't mean to and one of his promises to himself was that he would never use those powers on his siblings. Instead of apologizing, he walks out and El and Will stay there for a few moments. Everyone is processing what happened when the twins decide to follow him.

Meanwhile Jonathan is mortified with himself because he's thinking about everything else he could have yelled at Will, and the amount of danger he brought him in by using his powers on him. The twins catch up to him and the first thing Jonathan registers is Will's arms around him then El's. Jonathan then starts apologizing to Will for using his abilities on him and Will recalls how he used to do the same to his older brother when he was learning about his abilities. To Jonathan that is completely different but he doesn't want to argue too much because Will is trying to make him feel better, so he goes along with it.

They still end up facing Vecna and Jonathan has more control in his mind than he thought, as Vecna isn't able to possess him like he would in the other AU, but he still can't use his powers to control Vecna. If he tells Vecna to die, it does nothing to him. He's able to prevent Vecna from changing the field while the twins fight and that comes to their advantage. There is a moment where it doesn't matter, and Vecna throws Will and Jonathan to the side, and then restrains El as he goes to finish off Jonathan. He starts the process when Will finally wakes up and sees what's happening, but he can't use his ability to attack like El can, so he grabs a piece of glass and stabs Vecna in the back with it, but by that point, the damage had been done. In rage El unleashes all her powers and kills Vecna, and both of them wake up to their mom holding Jonathan's body, every bone broken and his eyes bleeding. Both twins start crying as Will reaches out to Jonathan and holds on to him, even though by that point Jonathan had "died" and Will loses it. He hangs on to his brother, sobbing, while Hopper lifts El up and hugs her while she cries and mourns her brother. It's Joyce that notices when Jonathan's chest starts moving again and when she says something, Jonathan groans. Will is able to heal a majority of the injuries, but not completely as Jonathan still has a cast and was unable to walk for a few months, but as he continues practicing, he becomes better at healing.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hello, dissociation tw.

On Friday I was dissociating and I was kinda locked inside my head and I was talking to headmates. Like, idk if someone "was there". And I am not diagnosed with DID and it is only an idea of me.

Usually, when I try to talk to potential headmates, I am like people in horror movies "uhm hey, if anyones there then blablabla" and I feel like an idiot because I am not certain if I even have DID. I just occasionally try to talk to headmates, because if they'd answer, I'd have a proof. And if not, nobody but me will know anyways.

And it felt the same "maybe someones there, maybe it's just me" on Friday but I was talking like I am certain that there is someone. Without thinking much about it. And I only realized until much later and am uncomfortable.

Because either A something made me realize that my idea is right and there are headmates or B I am taking my idea too serious, which I am really trying to prevent. I am honestly unsure how much it is based on facts, it "feels right" but my symptoms could be other illnesses, or overlapping stuff.

Since I didn't think about it and just talked to "someone" it makes me really uncomfortable. Why did I do that? And has it any meaning or was I just brain afk dissociating?

Hi anon,

I'm also questioning so please know you're not alone in these experiences.

It's common for newly discovered systems to have poor communication, which can mean you have to try really hard to stimulate conversation and sometimes it just doesn't work. In my experience I've actually described it as a seance, as it's an attempt to communicate with parts, which can be difficult.

I also find that it can be hard for newly discovered systems to get a feel for where one alter ends and another starts. It can be hard on top of the covert nature of DID to try to accept this, but every system looks a little different and just because communication does not come easy to your system or just because it may not be clear who is who doesn't necessarily mean you're not a system.

Also sometimes an answer may not be what you expect. If you ask something internally, you may not get an internal, verbal response. Alters can also reply merely by sharing things like thoughts, emotions, ideas, or imagination, especially if verbal communication is difficult. It can take time and practice focusing to notice these things more clearly.

It can be hard to face the idea that you may really be a system because it not only has a number of potentially overwhelming implications but the covert nature of DID often makes it so that an attempt to acknowledge the system can be blocked.

It's hard because it's unclear what may be going on for you, and so I don't want to potentially invalidate you as a system but I also don't want to lead you to believe something about yourself that may not be the case.

It sounds like you're just trying to figure out what's going on and not necessarily trying to take things too seriously, especially by recognizing that these symptoms may be indicative of something other than DID.

Best of luck in figuring things out. If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[lorisystem]

Wanted to do this meme again... i saw it as a repost just now so i dont have the source but i did it before, if anyone wants the template i can probably find it again later.

Wanted to detail about each one cause i& feel talkative

Legend:

Cross = yeah

Big bar = mostly yeah

Small bar = nuance (very little and/or not as a system thing)

No mark = no

"Who are you again" = Ok this all the time but not a system thing just faceblind.

Host/body trans = Yeagh

Dissociates mid conversation = This all the time but afaik not related to switching just. In our own little world a lot of the time + its hard to keep interest in some conversations. Also its hard to understand things said to us sometimes which makes us lose track a lot

Fictives = Not a fictive heavy sys but we do have some. Two full introjects n several half introjects (at least 2 possibly more)

Amnesia = We only get noticeable amnesia in very specific context (if something is very upsetting). Never full blackouts i think? That being said we have a lot of partial amnesia for certain things or periods of time. Like theres periods of time put behind some sort of curtain etc but we remember the main lines or its emotional amnesia etc.

"Whats a system" = Stopped being a thing around like 14 or 15(?) when we met another system. Before that we knew but didnt have the vocabulary

Chaotic headspace = Never been a thing for us. The brain just doesnt have the capacity to run full conversations in background if the focus is somewhere else. Our processing power is. Poor

Motherly figure as caretaker = None are women but yea Déborah n Jyu n even Avrei(/Shun) to some degree all of which are older/parental figures to several alters especially the younger ones

Fusion/integ = As of yet not really but we did get skill displacements which were starting to understand can be a start (host learning an alters skill and becoming more adapted)

Bad at communicating = We thought we were quite good for very long (and compared to somebody who has none. Yea) but actually. Were learning to get better a lot and discovered theres a lot more to learn. Cannot track switches at all for example n hard to discern passive influence. We just have different struggles. On top of that some alters just arent cooperative

Recovering persecutor protector = Yea love to have at least one system cliché . Franca & Zacharie.

No energy = This one is small bar bc i rlly dont think its system related. Also we still have enough energy to fake functionality and mask etc. But it could be better

"You have good imagination" = I imagine this is meant to fakeclaim and while i dont think somebody told me that to fakeclaim my system weve been told it about other things + it is true that we have a good imagination. We are very selective who we tell but yea decided to put that one as a cross bc it still feels accurate

ND = yea. One or two things going on other than plurality

No headspace = Our base headspace is very very simple but it did exist. We created an actual inner world around early HS i think and kept expanding it since. Some part are spontaneous but most of it was consciously created

Denial = small bar bc it doesnt rlly impact us too much anymore. We dont rlly care for external validation anymore

Not out as a system bc no one believes you = Well mostly yea but not only. Its not that i think absolutely noone would believe me bc if that was the only pb i wouldnt care. I just dont want to get harrassed, i need ppl to show me basic respect and not try to hurt me&.

Been fakeclaimed = Yes! A friend fakeclaimed us early on in learning about dissociative disorders bc we didnt tell them details of childhood trauma/said it wasnt traumatic - it was but we didnt realize at the time)

Co fronting gives headache = Never been a thing for us, at least unable to link headaches with switches (theyre not that frequent anyway)

Memory is shit = We are . Hypermnesic,

Everyone or almost is queer = Oh ya definitely. In some way or other

*Pretends to be host* = Yea. Allergic to ppl knowing who fronts

"When did i get here" = OK when i first read i thought this related to splitting and i put nothing cause we can pinpoint the origin period of most alters etc. But. Rereading i think it related to confusion after switching. Was a thing to a small degree for us until like 5 years ago or so and now we very rarely get this. It was never too big but sometimes we did have moments of confusion like "what am i doing? Where am i? Right, going to work... feels weird and out of place" etc. Not too bad

Traumagenic = yea. Always aware of this. We always knew alters were there to help and that they all had specific roles. I kind of remember the feeling of reading roles and being like woah. Yea yea. We had roles the whole time

Sarrey for long text. N inconsistent pronouns. It will happen again

[faggot-billcipher]

i will truly never get over the fact that even though the main claim about my alter lucifer being a pedophile was based on the word of uwuowoazu. the people who used that as the main claim for that never once called her out for lying blatantly and also suicide baiting people repeatedly to try to make certain fnaf fan antis stop disliking me. (behavior that i clearly could not have forced her to do at the time she chose to do it since i said multiple times to not do it and when it hapened i was either outside or trying to fucking sleep.) nor have they ever once addressed or called out azula's unapologetic transphobic behavior that she doubled down on even when corrected. and one of the people behind that claim in the callout have her BLOCKED now. because theyearmed my system's warnings about azula's abusive and manipulative nature wree fucking right. which i literally warned those people about. ut ig that's what happens when io is stupid enough to think every single person who dislikes my system and i must be a poor wittle victim who did no wrong boohoo. instead of acknowledging bother people in a situaiotn can be assholes. or that sometimes no one in the situation is an inherent black and white victim. this is your brain on anti rhetoric. also should go without saying but i am immediately blocking anyone who still blindly believes the genderfluidlucifer callout post. even if youve left the anti community now. as a general you. that callout is full of tons of disinfo. including claiming i'm a cis male and repeatedly doubling down on misgendering me. and even claiming a close mutual of mine was the one, misgendering me when he fucking wasn't at the time. all the while still misgendering me as they claimed that lie aobut my actually close and trustworthy mutual. if you still believe that callout post you're an idiot and should feel bad for it. i'm through with giving any benefit of the doubt to people who still blindly think it has any merit. and mass blocking anyone supporting it and hatefollowing me over it. and yes btw many people are still hatefollownig me ove rthat.i only know because my tumblr exposes when you hatefollow someone. OOPS.

i also hate how parasocial the people calling out luci cat in general. o for some reason keeps framing everything in the callout as if we knew eachother on a close level. even they they regularly avoided chatting mosrt of the time when i was active in their discord. and would repeatedly ghot me for hours when i asked for clarification one of their very confusingly worded discord rules. like bitch you don't get to claim we were close or that you knew me so well while ghosting me that hard and frequently, get over yourself.

i shouldn't have to say this but hating someone doesn't mean you automatically know everything about their lfie and inner psyche. i really especially hate that aspect of callout culture that's become so normalized in the past few years. parasocial hate is just as bad aand real as being parasocial to a blogger or celebrity you love imo. and both forms of parasocial mentality turn into stalking really fucking fsat.

also you can't really be gaslit by someone you avoided talking to that much. let's get real here. gaslighting literally involves way more direct and intentional interaction than that online or otherwise. thi is why gaslighting needs to be put on the shelf until people who blindly believe every claim about a person being a pedophile in a callout can learn to behave.

also also they left out the fact that the case of child molestation was literally just based on a fnaf au rp that azula and i did. one she pressured me into at the time. and i said i merely wanted to explore an au were my fnaf au oc layla didn't get rapde because ome of her characters saved her in time nefore it happende. so she decided to do that opposite of that. and tried to include a graphic rape scene anyways in a joking manner. (as in she literally amde a joke bragging about how fucked it up was for her to add that so you can't claim she was being ignorant.)i shut it down fast and we did not contionue that particular rp.| but i guess i'm repsonsible for the actions an apaprent minor chose to take at the time. even tohugh i litelaly told her to opt quickly after she pullde that. after she litrelaly ignored my clearly statde boundaries in the topic of that rp. i am not agreeing to the claim that i molested a child. i never met azula irl. and i never would've considered meeting her irl because i would've had to trust her enough to. as she'd shown to me many times what a red flag of a person she was ocnstantly. even buefore another anti helped me realize she might've been lying aobut how young she was when this rp took place. ia m not interested in molesting children anyways.. you can say you hate me and want med ead without making up shit. i barely go out enough to go and molest a child irl you absolute dinguses.

and even when i do go outside i barely deliberately interact with children irl outside of relatives and sometimes forced interactions. forced as in i did not initiate it first and i just have to Endure It until it stops happening. so yeah fuck off with that claim already. and i know the only reason y'all went wild with the callout was the bullshit child molester claim. because you can't just call out someone for one or two things. you have to add like 50 shock value claims because you wanna act like you caught the next yandev or creepshowart even when you didn't. which just further makes it harder for me to believe every callout an anti makes anymore. after that experience and seeing how flimsily made callout posts like that can gain traction so fast with barely anyone quesitioning it.

[snowmuttgetsweird]

5/3/23, 1 AM

CW: Kink, Hypnosis

Little 1 AM post before bed, just a thing I've been thinking about lately.

I download MP3s from WarpMyMind, which is a website where anyone in the community can write a script for a hypnosis session, record it, and then post it for others to enjoy. Some are paid, but most are free.

The specific kind I like to listen to is kinda embarrassing for me to talk about. I'm not sure why, cause it's not that far removed from stuff I've already expressed interest in. Maybe because I know hypnosis doesn't "work" per say, but the idea of it is fun, and I guess I treat it similarly to something like puppy play, where you're sorta letting yourself sink into a different, comforting or empowering headspace.

I like a lot of transformation (TF) files. These are the files that are meant to, like... Alter your mental state so that you see yourself in a different way, or you feel more motivated and driven to take action to make specific changes in your life that result in achieving your specific goals. Some are supposed to subliminally kinda "trick" your brain into making genuine chemical changes, but they're not real, much like pup play. It's just fun to imagine and pretend. I also like the ones that are supposed to sorta wipe your brain and give you a different purpose.

I listen to ones that like... Focus on making you obsessed with your junk and your body, or keep you always a little horny, or never fully flaccid. I like ones that try to influence your brain into, like, growing really thick, dense body hair, or turning your nuts into heavy, churning testosterone factories 24/7. I like the ones that try to influence you to go to the gym, or "curse" you with something, like a rambunctious inner-pup that starts forcing itself out into your daily life if you don't give it sufficient attention and respect on a regular basis, or an inability to reach climax no matter how much you masturbate, trapping you in a never-ending edge session.

I've never noticed any legitimate effects, but the ones that are actually well-scripted and decent quality can be really fun to listen to at the time.

Problem of course is that most are shit.

A lot of them lack inductions- that is to say, the part at the beginning where the speaker relaxes you and lulls your mind into a receptive state. That or their inductions are really poor.

Some aren't spoken at all. Some scripts are read by synthesized voices that have weird inflections or pronounce things wrong, and it really breaks immersion.

Some have really poor recording quality, like they're recording their recitation from another room.

Some are polluted with a lot of wheezing noises, or wet, smacky mouth noises.

Some are mixed SUPER poorly. A lot will use white noise or binaural tones to help induct you, but mix their voice significantly lower, making it difficult to hear them.

Some of them seem almost improvised, like they were done on the spot. They trip over their words, take long pauses trying to decide what they'll say next, and use odd phrases that don't quite roll off the tongue and make them sound dumb. I'd understand if it were a live session, but being that they're pre-recorded, I'd think that they would have a script or at least an outline, and recite/record a FEW times to get a good take, or at least a composite made from multiple takes, but I guess not.

Not to mention there are a lot of very odd, and sometimes extremely specific files. For every dumb jock TF file, there are like, eight files that are trying to "sissify" you into being more effeminate, or convince you to shit yourself in your sleep, or to specifically seek out and have sex with haggard old homeless women. Yeah that's a real one I scrolled past the other day.

Now and again I find a pretty good one though.

I miss The Hypnotic Beast. They're a furry that does hypnosis files. They used to have a handful that were free to download, but now everything is behind a paywall. I don't blame them- their files are genuinely very high quality with good audio, mixing, inductions, and scripts- I recommend checking them out if you've got the money to spare for their Patreon, but I sure miss those free ones, lol.

There's great hypno art out there too. Dramamine comes to mind, though their art tends to lean more heavily into really severe "mind breaking" type stuff- like complete erasure of your personality, blank slate. I still wanna be me, I just wanna be a better me- but idk, maybe I shouldn't trust myself to know what a "better me" is, and just leave it in someone else's hands?

I guess that's part of the game.

[obscure-imagines]

*Horror genre/smut warning*

-He’d be very tentative to catch feelings for anyone because he’s a very depressed boi

-quiet guy is hard to get to know, especially after an apocalyptic event

-Even if you’re survivors together, he’s just kind of going to be floating around quietly, so if you want to get to know Hyunsu, you’re going to have to make an effort

-Hyunsu is drawn to beautiful things, things that inspire hope (music, kids, etc...) and he can enjoy pleasurable things for a time, but Hyunsu is always terrified that good things will be torn from his grasp, so he never wants to let himself love something too easily

-Boy has his found family, so being accepted by his loved ones would be really important.

-It would be the elder survivors like Han and Gilseob who notice the connection between you and Hyunsu first

-i’m talking hard core pining, long looks, Hyunsu’s eyes finding you any time you enter a room, but you’re both oblivious to each other

-It’s a tough situation because Hyunsu is still treated like a monster at times, and people are obviously scared of his dark side

-Hyunsu can’t even imagine getting close to you, for fear that he’ll hurt you

-his monster alter ego even toys with him by mentioning you sometimes, further increasing the poor boys anxiety

-He’d get growingly agitated any time you have to put yourself in danger, and always ends up going places with you just to make sure you’re protected

-it starts with him just kind of shadowing you when you head up to your apartment for something one day

-the building is pretty much safe, but when you catch Hyunsu out of the corner of your eye, you almost have a heart attack, which he apologizes profusely for

-he goes with you to your room and is kind of awkward at your door because you’re a pretty girl and he’s about to go into your apartment, even if it is a post apocalyptic world, boy has manners

-He’s also just very big and tall, so even though he kind of hunches over, he sticks out like a sore thumb in your apartment

-he’s so quiet, but once you find something you both mutually enjoy to talk about, he begins to loosen up

-he continues shadowing you, he’s pretty much your designated monster survival partner 

-at dinners you start to eat together and everyone is low key hoping you both work out, but are also worried about what it could mean for you if Hyunsu turns full monster out of the blue one day

-He’s very hesitant to allow you to touch him, so you’d have to start small

-like maybe you offer to help him clean up some residual blood left on his skin after he’s healed from a fight

-Hyunsu all but holds his breath while you wipe his skin

-big uwu boy, heart eyes to the extreme

-he honestly just needs a good cuddle and one day, after a particularly rough event where you almost die, Hyunsu is too tired to be in full control of himself, so when you crawl into bed with him, wrapping your arms around his frame, Hyunsu allows himself to enjoy it

-the biggest soft boy is the small spoon sometimes cuz he really needs it

-he falls asleep in your arms and it’s the most peaceful sleep he’s had in maybe years

-when he wakes up, he rolls to cuddle against your chest, still half asleep and unaware of what he’s doing until he can hear the beat of your heart under his ear and realizes you’re not just a pleasantly warm pillow

-boy practically jumps out of the bed and needs to be pulled back into your embrace

-if you start massaging his scalp and holding him to your chest- he’s going to die, like, he’ll never be happier

-He craves your cuddles like nothing else in the whole world, and allows himself more and more to be happy when he’s with you, and to be with you often

-seeing him smile is so odd, people are shook

-the first day you grab his hand in front of people makes his heart melt

-the two of you are simply waiting for dinner, and you grab his hand, playing with his fingers casually

-you don’t even notice how impactful the gesture is

-after dinner, Hyunsu finds himself swept away by the key men of the group, Han thinks it’s all very cute, Gilseob agrees with Han but he’s worried like Eunhyeok that Hyunsu could be a danger to you. Sangwook is just there because they dragged him along

-Hyunsu is still worried he could hurt you and you notice him pulling away after his discussion with the guys, which leads to him fully communicating to you all his fears about being a monster and not being good enough for you

-squash all his anxieties with a kiss

-Hyunsu will melt against you, your lips are the best cure for his busy mind

-if you tug a little at his hair boy will be whipped forever

-once he opens up to you, he’ll tell you everything

-time spent cuddling and just talking

-tracing his scars and kissing them, telling him you’ll never leave him

-him being worried about becoming a monster but you’re so determined he won’t- and you won’t let him try to avoid you for your ‘own safety’ so he’s pretty much just stuck with loving you and accepting that you make him happy and he’s allowed to be happy

-helping him cut his hair and being shook by how much younger he looks

- “do you like it?” he wants to make sure you still like his new hair

-he’s so much more boyish- it honestly makes it worse when his hair is short because people have been straight up offering him up to really hard jobs because he ‘cant die’

-like, you’re going to be fiercely protective of this boy, just as he is of you

-yeah he’s the one that ‘cant die’ but if someone tries to be even slightly mean to him, you’re jumping in and throwing fists

-’oh? you guys think it’s a good idea to sacrifice him to the military/government for our survival? time to meet my fists’ you’ll jump in swinging i swear to god

-you would probably be down to fight Eunhyuck on the daily for how he treats Hyunsu like his watch dog/hound

-low key everyone is prepared to wake up and find you and Hyunsu just gone one day

-he looks at you with the biggest heart eyes, like, boy is so in love with you and anyone can see it

-he’s going to cherish any time with you

-nights are for cuddles and memorizing your face in the moonlight that comes through the windows

-will find you cute little gifts, like, if he knows you like certain books or stuff like that he’ll keep an eye out for things to amuse you when he’s looking for supplies 

-being way too fucking cute. like. this is an apocalypse and this man is just out here being a full fucking simp for you im-

-be careful as he gets more in love with you though because if someone threatens you, his monster side will pop out

-you’re feeling fragile one day and someone says something rude about Hyunsu and ‘how much time he has left’ and when Hyunsu finds you crying, his eyes go black and his monster side demands you tell him who he has to go kill for you

-after that, you can be certain his monster side won’t ever hurt you, which makes Hyunsu feel a lot more relaxed

-boy finally lets you touch him for longer than like five minutes because he’s not scared of loosing himself when he’s with you anymore

-ok, let’s be real, ya’ll would find ways to fuck even during the apocalypse

-boy deserves it. he DESERVES IT I TELL YOU

-soft honey boy, starts so soft, so much kissing and foreplay

-you’d really have to initiate things going farther than just kissing, and he’d worship you if you undressed for him

-10/10 will tell you he loves you while buried completely inside of you

-lots of gripping and passion, breathless kisses, hand holding and finger squeezing

-let him burry his face in your neck

-the sweetest aftercare filled with cuddles, hugs, kisses, and sweet words of affirmation

-he’s super shy about petnames, but you pet your ass that this big soft boi is going to let ‘jagiya’ (honey/sweetheart) slip every once and again.

-super shy about pda around other people, but you purposefully like to show how much you love him to make everyone else think twice about being mean to him or prejudice because he’s ‘infected’, whatever that even means.

-stealing his massive clothes

-taking care of him in ways that count, like making sure his depression doesn’t get the better of him being able to complete basic tasks, like cleaning him after a fight and making sure he eats properly

-being Hyunsu’s proof that humans can live with monsters, because you’ll never let him go and you love him

-i mean, not even going to lie, 10/10 Hyunsu would make living in monster world worth it