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myelocin · 4 years ago

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Diver | Miya Atsumu

Synopsis: For you, decisions have always resulted in one, then two, then twenty steps back from the jump you know you want to take, but never find the courage to do so. Miya Atsumu was one of those decisions, and it baffles you how he makes the edge seem so inviting.

Characters: Miya Atsumu, You

Warnings/Tags/Genre: Self reflection, Slice of Life, Fluff (atsumu is cute lmao), Mentions of sitting on a cliff, Friendship w Bo!! Pining!Atsumu, hard to get reader when irl ur just confused , more sky references are surprised? no

WC: 4.6k+

a/n: this was purely based on my desire to explore atsumu and the y/n i headcanon’s character more. this is also to those who struggle to decide which risks are actually worth taking. (atm this is not edited bc im just gonna do that tomorrow lol)

playlist: Hello by Elijah Who

++note: please click keep reading bc whole thing is posted!

You remember standing at the edge of the cliff and thinking about how big and beautiful the world looked at age seven. You think back to the words your grandfather tells you when he sits on the ground next to you and begins to tell the familiar tale of the boy who lived life too scared to leap. You don’t think it was a true story; some elements changed every other time the same story was retold but you listened with rapt attention either way.

Every summer when you visited your grandfather in that little house by the cliff hours away from the rush the city brought, more than half of your days were spent sitting by the edge watching the clouds chase and envelop one another. You’d watch as the blue moved into gold, then orange, then red, then back to blue—and finally dive into black. There was never a day where the chase looked exactly the same.

At nine, you still thought the world looked too vast and beautiful and now you think it was because there was still so much you didn’t know. At sixteen, you remembered seeing more streaks of pink along the horizon in the distance but when you look back at the photos now—it was still really just swirls of red and kisses of orange. Maybe that was the summer you first felt love, because the world you saw in those days were through the rose colored lenses that only you wore.

When your grandfather would ask you why you preferred to sit out by the edge instead of run in the field with the kids you knew nearby you only shrugged and said you didn’t want to miss the stories in the sky later that day. Some days, he’d sit next to you and you’d listen to the story of the boy who never leaped again, but during the last few years of his life when he became too frail for the world, he’d only ruffle your hair and go back inside the house.

There wasn’t a particular reason either; no dramatics that told a heartfelt backstory towards your infatuation with the sky, or a long spill about how you love letting the sounds of the waves crashing silence your thoughts—it was quite the opposite, really. Even when your first love told you it wasn’t working out and you spent the entire evening and the next crying over a story ended, you still sat and watched the colors changing with the expression of wonder that stayed constant since you were a child.

“I still care for you,” you remember him saying and his voice clear in your head doesn’t fight over the sounds of the waves crashing on jagged boulders below.

“—we’re just not meant for each other,” he says again but you don’t feel the need to look away from the sky because the sun’s beginning to dip into the horizon and the violets are starting to paint swirls in the sky.

“I don’t think I ever loved you, (y/n),” you hear along with the cry of a seagull somewhere on your left but you only let out the sigh you’ve held in when the show is over and the black curtains cover the sky. You remember closing your eyes to try to search for that twinge of pain you always read about when your first love is over. But, when you breathe in, you only hear the water below roar. When you breathe out, you hear your grandfather’s call from the house behind you.

That night when you stood up to leave, you dusted the dirt off of your pants and stepped closer to the edge; you weren’t going to jump but you wanted to step into that line of uncertainty to feel that rush.

The feeling you always get when you’re tipping your seat back and you let your fingers graze off of the table you’re supporting yourself with—and you’re dipping into the territory of whether you’ll fall forward or backward. Whether the fall either ways could mean good, or bad.

“Can’t we work this out?” is what you knew you wanted to try to say in the moment he turned his back. And then the first step towards him became one, then two, then three—before your hand stopped short of grabbing his shoulder because you realize you don’t want to say it.

Maybe because you were sixteen and the chemistry test you had to take next period was a more important thought than this, or maybe because this was the kind of puppy love where it as quick as it started—so you didn’t want to tarnish the final chapters with an ugly fight. But, really, you began to think, as your hand curled back into a fist and you watched him with dry eyes turn the corner and disappear, you just don’t have a reason to want to work it out.

So then as the bell rang, you turned to take a step that went from one, to two, to three, four—and then eventually six steps back.

Six steps away from the edge where you let yourself be dangled by uncertainty.

The strange part is you don’t remember what began shifting afterwards; when you lost sight of the horizon you spent years losing yet finding yourself in all at once.

After that night, for the years that led up to now it felt like there was never a balance when it came the climax of your decision making. Every time the atmosphere tensed and you feel your gut twist with the pressure of the outcome, your brain is suddenly creating loopholes to mend the situation and your body is already in motion—every single time moving one, to two, to twenty steps away from the drop. That way, you could rock your heels to the side or tip the back of your chair as far back as possible without the need to pull back because you know the steady ground would always break your fall.

You weren’t sure if you necessarily enjoyed it but the cliff by your grandfather’s house doesn’t look the same anymore. This time, you’re sitting in a chair on the porch, a heavy distance away from the pull of gravity down below. Because it’s safe, you reason, but the horizon from your spot doesn’t look quite the same. Peering at the strokes of colors in the 6pm sky through cracks in the porch’s rooftop makes the world feel so little. You hear the sound of the TV running inside the house instead of the water roaring below and you know it isn’t the same.

But when the sun peeks in finality before diving the world into dark, you stand at the edge of the porch like you did at the edge of the cliff so many times before.

One foot hovering over the ground below and you know your balance is tipping, but you don’t feel anything. There isn’t a hitch in your breath and the feeling of weightlessness and heaviness simultaneously nipping at your skin.

You sigh in blankness as you thrust your body forward and let yourself dive. Before you even leap you already feel the ground beneath your feet.

The ground is only two feet below you.

In your mid-twenties, Miya Atsumu came into your life in a whirlwind of laughter and expressions.

He wasn’t really that spectacular. Sure, Atsumu could twirl a pencil like the honor roll kids as well as he could land a service ace, but that was kind of it.

How the two of you became close friends was always a wonder to you as well. You knew his twin brother—Osamu, after frequenting his onigiri shop every day for lunch, but your interactions with him were mostly limited to the “hi”, “how are you”, “thanks”, and “goodbye”.

Atsumu was, well, interesting to talk to because of all the expressions that substituted some verbal cues in the conversation.

It took getting to know him for about a year and joining him in the last minute road trips he pulled with you to realize how much Atsumu embodied uncertainty.

He was like the push and the pull of the wind when you’re standing at that edge again. Like somewhere between the moments of unfiltered fear from plunging down into the ocean you know you can’t swim in, and that step back of reasoning that tells you a two more steps further means two more steps safer.

He was neither of those, but at the same time, made you feel the magnitude of both simultaneously. Atsumu, to you, was the cliff, the rocking wind, the steady ground, and the plunge below.

And it was frustrating because you couldn’t read him at all.

When he asked you one day if you wanted to join him for dinner, this time, just the two of you while the apples of his cheek blushed a visible shade of red despite the dimmed lighting of the sky—you felt your gut churn in uncertainty.

For a while you’ve felt he wanted to push the boundaries of your friendship into a territory more unknown to the both of you, but you thought it would just stop at the experimental prodding. You weren’t blind. You felt how his eyes would trail your profile when he thought your attention was too engrossed in a book, knew that the unmarked box of chocolates were from him because he wasn’t subtle in hiding the special instructions written on the bottom of the box. You saw the triumphant spark in his eye when you told him the gift he gave you on your birthday was exactly what you wanted even if he just shrugged and said he guessed lucky.

And that’s the thing—Atsumu was painfully obvious. He wasn’t explicit about his intentions—he was just obvious; you know he wasn’t dumb enough to leave all these hints and expect you to still not know so that frustrated you even further. Did he want you to find out? Did you want to find out?

“Do ya think you wanna get some dinner tonight?” he quips beside you, “—just us two?” he adds, finishing awkwardly as you two come to a halt in front of the train station.

You think about his offer; you really do. The feeling in your gut doesn’t go away and your left foot is subconsciously rocking backwards. One step back.

“Maybe next time,” you hear yourself say. Atsumu’s deflating in front of you and his right hand rests on the back of his head while he shoves the left into the pocket of his jeans.

Two steps, “I’d love to—“ you continue, “but I may miss the last train and I don’t really wanna take a taxi tonight.”

Atsumu’s nodding his head saying, “Of course! Of course. Yeah, definitely. Next time!” And in a way you’re thankful he doesn’t mention the fact that he could always drive you back instead of letting you take a taxi.

Three steps, as you wave at him from the top steps of the station’s exit.

Four steps, “For sure next time!” you call out as he waves at your retreating figure with a smile. Neither of you really have faith on when next time will be, nor were sure if either of you believed it in the first place.

It’s when the train doors close and you’re holding on the railing where it dawns on you that you just took about 20 more steps back.

Two weeks after Atsumu’s offer of a dinner date was when Bokuto comes to you to say that he understands why you rejected the offer.

“You and him are just too different from each other,” he says like he made a profound discovery and not like he’s commenting on your love life.

“Aren’t opposites supposed to attract?” you ask.

“Not all the time,” Bokuto answers almost immediately and you nod your head choosing to not expand on the topic while your mind begins to whirl at his words.

On the bright side, you were glad neither you nor Atsumu spoke much about it. The days where you’d spend the afternoons with the team until practice ended, if nobody wanted to catch dinner the two of you would eventually just part ways at the train station he walked you to every night.

“I could always drive you home, ya know, I’m a good driver,” he says when you search through your bag for your PASMO card.

“I live in the opposite way you’re going, ‘Tsumu,” you laugh, albeit still appreciative at his offer.

“I know,” he replies and rattles his keys in his hands.

You’re still digging through your bag as you look for the card you know you must have left at home before you finally sigh and look at him looking at you holding out his keys.

“C’mon, (Y/n), I won’t speed I swear!” Atsumu laughs as he leads the way to the parking lot.

A few more weeks pass and you’re glad no one mentions the fact that you follow Atsumu into the parking lot every time practice ends. The day after he drove you home for the first time, you flashed the PASMO card you made sure to have with you this time and told him thank you for dropping you off the day before. He only rolled his eyes as he grabbed your wrists and pulled you in the car with him.

In hindsight, you could have said no and waved him off like usual, but your feet were matching the steps in his before you could even process what you were doing. He just drove you home, made small talk, and asked about your days most of the time—so all in all it was pleasant.

And you lived in the west side of town so drive always meant that the both of you had a front seat view to the sky’s art show. One thing you noticed (and appreciated) about Atsumu was the duality in his focus.

First hand, you’ve seen up close the intensity of his focus during his serves. The air would whip itself into a deafening silence at the drop of his hand and his eyes steeled over as fast as the sounds came to a halt—it was eerie, almost. In the way that sent chills down your spine and admiration bubble in the pits of your stomach. Then, as quick as the ball slams on the spot of the ground he aimed towards—the yell of triumph he’d express and the smile that would break into his face would overflow from his whole being. Like exhaling shakily after a sharp intake of breath—Atsumu was everything intense.

But, Atsumu, you think as you peek at him looking at the skies in front of him, was also serene. The kind of focus that pulled you in all the right ways. Like the gentle teacher you had from elementary who would coax you softly to focus sounding out the words in the passage you had trouble pronouncing. His hands were steady on the wheel, at 10 and 2 and the car would slowly come to a stop at every red light instead of the sharp lurch your body moves into when you press the brake a little too harshly. He only sometimes put music in the car—he told you he prefers to have your voice as company instead of hearing about the weather from the radio.

It surprised you, but at this point Atsumu brought nothing in your life but surprises. Then again, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing—you were just used to feeling the ground before you fell so his uncertainty was still very much of an unmarked territory for you.

“Is it something about me?” he asked when the two of you exited the car and stood outside the entrance to your apartment building.

You know what he’s talking about, but you opt to stay silent and look at him with your head tilted instead because you already feel the urge to take one step back.

He’s still looking at you even as the passing moments are stretching into an awkward silence so he sighs and shoves his hands back in his pockets—something he does when he’s nervous, you noticed—and waved you off when you opened your mouth to try to retaliate. You’re thankful because you aren’t exactly sure what it was you were going to say anyway.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” he says as he turns.

“See ya tomorrow?��

He waits for you to nod and wave a goodbye at him, which he first smiles at, before he starts the car and drives away.

His question “doesn’t keep you up at night,” is what you try to convince yourself when it’s 2:05 am on a Tuesday night and all you’ve done so far is toss and turn in bed. To prove your own point, you’ve sat up and turned the bedside lamp on while you scroll through some unopened emails on your laptop.

Halfway into retyping the same email you know you’ve been staring at for the past hour, Atsumu’s contact photo chimes in your phone in the form of a text message.

“you up?” it reads from the notification bar and you automatically shut your laptop close, turn off the lamp, and throw your covers over your head.

“No,” you reply out loud and you internally groan because of how ridiculous you’re being.

Your thoughts from the night before still remain in your head as you’re sitting on the bench beside the court later that afternoon as you type away at your laptop. It’s still the same email you never replied to last night, but you try to ignore that. You also ignore the fact that you’ve kept count of how many times the ball slammed on the opposite side of the net when Atsumu practiced his serves.

You don’t notice it when Bokuto takes a seat next to you and looks over your shoulder at the email you’re not even halfway through typing.

“That’s the same email opened since this morning,” he points out and you groan before turning to face and quickly shush him.

He’s laughing when he takes a seat next to you.

“You know,” he begins, “I think you’re just scared to feel something for Atsumu.”

You close your laptop—the draft of your email unsaved, like it had any coherent content anyway.

“Bo, you’re being silly,” you reply knocking your shoulder against his in laughter.

“You’re avoiding the conversation, (y/n),” he laughs back and you wave him off towards the court in laughter when the coach calls for him. He stretches when he stands back up and tells you, “We’ll talk about this later because I think you need it,” before jogging off to the other side of the gym.

Inwardly, you heave another sigh, because this was one of the times where Bokuto’s being more serious. You had to give him credit—the duality in his personality and harsh line when he switched from jesting to seriousness was impressive. Bokuto Koutarou wasn’t smart in many aspects of the domestic parts of life—he didn’t understand taxes, or why you needed to change the oil often, but he had a way of looking through the layers people build around themselves.

At first, it caught you off guard because two weeks after you met you had only been sitting outside a convenience store watching him lick the melted parts of his ice cream on his hands when he suddenly turns to you and says, “(Y/n), I wish you would take risks more. You’re too cautious.”

He never brought it up again, but every time he chose to tell you something—it was always something you knew, never acknowledged, but needed to hear.

So when Atsumu waves at you and shouts that he’ll just shower and be out in thirty minutes, you ignore the urge to step back, and smile at him instead.

You’re thinking about Bokuto’s words again as you listen to Atsumu yell something at Sakusa from inside the locker room.

You’re too different from each other.

You suppose there are differences, especially in the way you address your friends—Atsumu’s not afraid to clap your back while he laughs while you choose to keep your hands to yourself. He’s not afraid to let his intentions be known while you try to wrestle with your thoughts every time you’re shifting closer to the edge.

You could always walk away, you tell yourself every day, but every day you also choose to not do that. You know day by day and sunset after sunset you watch with Atsumu you’re nearing that edge again—and you want nothing more than take twenty more steps back but each day he offers you a new joke that you genuinely laugh at you know it’s a couple centimetres closer to where you’re afraid of going.

Bokuto’s right, you’re different from each other, but you know deep down that you’re alike in so many ways. When Atsumu talks about what he wants to do accomplish in life outside of volleyball, he talks with such a childish wonder in the certainty of the tone of his voice. At times, he was stubborn to the core—just like you were, and you realize that would clash between the both of you some day but Atsumu smiling as he’s jogging towards you has you realizing that you don’t really mind at all.

“Ready to go?” he asks and you could only nod as you follow him out the door.

Bokuto’s looking at you and giving you a thumbs up which you nervously return with a smile of your own.

During the car ride back home, you’re thankful that Atsumu chooses to flip on the radio this time; you didn’t plan on telling much of a story, and your thoughts are too jumbled up with everything for you to even settle with small talk.

“You good?” he asks, then looks over at you at the red light. You nod yes and shift the bag sitting in your lap.

“The sky looks pretty today,” you begin, “—the sunset today looks like the ones I grew up seeing when I was a kid at my grandfather’s by the coast.”

Atsumu hums, but it’s still heard over the low volume of the car’s radio, “You should take me to see one day.”

Your gut churns and you curse yourself when you habitually chose to stay silent.

“I don’t mean it like I’m inviting myself there, (Y/n)—“

“It’s okay, you should visit with me next time,” you reply then turn to watch his expression shift from flustered to surprise from his profile. You’re watching him with baited breath and your heart thumping can almost be heard when the radio dips into a silence in the commercial.

The light switches to green and Atsumu eases his foot off of the break as the car slowly gains momentum before he’s nodding his head and saying a soft, “Yeah. Sure. Totally.”

It’s quite uncharacteristic for him to be so muted with his replies, but you suppose these are one of the similarities you’re discovering you have with Atsumu. He’s confident and barks out his comments when his emotions are running high, but at the moment you know the both of you are tiptoeing around that line of uncertainty at the moment.

When his pointer figure taps the steering wheel in an unknown rhythm, a nervous habit of his, you feel yourself slightly relax. The difference this time from that hallway breakup you had when you were sixteen was both of you were at the same page. That boy who said he didn’t love you let the certainty in his intentions be known in the way you could already anticipate the long term ending for. There was nothing more to be uncovered—and you didn’t find the push to dive down for more.

This, with Atsumu, was a different story. You had curiosity with the unclarity. You craved to unravel his truth.

Truthfully, every decision you’ve made so far had you already seeing the outcome—that’s why you’ve only felt like you were only jumping to a ground two or three feet under you.

With Atsumu, you’ve come to realize that he personified the edge. At the same time, he was the push and the pull of the wind when you’re balancing yourself between curiosity and reason. You know the frustration you feel when you can’t read him comes from the fact that you’re only seeing him from the surface. You see licks of who he is with every slam of the ball and every spark in his eye.

But just when you feel that knot in your stomach, you allow reason to cloud your desire to jump into the blurred lines of variability— Every. Single. Time.

And it frustrates you because twenty steps back have become too comfortable for you to try to leave. You hated it, but you knew what was waiting for you every time, so you learned to find the comfort in it.

The truth is, you’ve always had the curiosity towards what it felt like to plunge. Like the story your grandfather would tell you—it ended with the boy dying by the edge he never found the curiosity to jump in, surrounded by the questions that ultimately died with him. It was a pitiful end, and up till now you believe the entire story could have been avoided. You know you’re always thinking about the dive and what comes with it, but never found quite the push that’d lead you to want to throw your body forward and seek.

You know Bokuto always had a point in the passing comments he tells you when you least expect it. Bokuto presented them to you in forms of declarations not even in questions.

The sky in front of you is the same sky you stood under when you dangled your feet over the edge, fearless, years ago. Atsumu feels like the push and pull of the wind, and the tug of gravity under your soles when he looks at you as you stand in front of your apartment building.

You’re not in the cliff side this time but you see the horizon you forgot you loved when Atsumu shoves his hands in his pockets and offers you a smile.

You hear the cry of the waves below and the call of the seagulls to your left when Atsumu says, “About earlier, you don’t have to worry about it—I was just jokin.”

“You’re scared to feel something for Atsumu,” you hear Bokuto tell you when you itch to take a step back, then, “I wish you’d take more risks.”

“I wanna take the risk,” you say out loud and Atsumu looks at you quizzically, before softening his eyes when he realizes what you’re trying to say.

And you could almost laugh because of course he understands what you mean. Atsumu knew more than he let on and you could laugh again at the mirroring of your personalities. It was opposite and identical at the same time: identical like the both of you understanding each other’s metaphors without explanation, and opposite in the way he always addresses them while you do, well, the opposite of that.

“I wanna jump,” you say even if it doesn’t make sense because you’re confident the message will reach him all the same.

Atsumu’s beaming and you think it looks like the sun that’s looked at you from the horizon for years. When he takes your hands in his, you inhale yet feel breathless because the balls of your feet feel weightless and your body is leaning forward.

And when the clouds in the sky blend with the painting and Atsumu leans forward, you let gravity take you—

Then, you’re diving.

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levis-hazelnut · 3 years ago

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This is a vent.

You can do what you want with this post but please do read the part from where your name starts in bold and pink.

I have decided it's okay for me to type my thoughts out here In tumblr. Safer than my journal at least lol

So I'm doing okay but I also feel like shit for the past few days lol. To the point where I cried myself to sleep. Ever felt like crying badly but the tears won't come out but you can't even act frustrated? Yeah that too.

I'll be honest. I changed schools so now I have about 3 supportive friends but we haven't interacted much.

My friends from my previous school are really very cool and supportive and it is because of them, I had a thought of exploring me and thinking about my sexuality and everything.

I have a lot of friendship problems. Im kinda losing touch with My friends from the previous school and i saw it coming almost 1 years ago. But I still talk to them bc I like them. I have been betrayed and neglected and taken for granted by loads of people who were my friends. We're still in touch but there is a disconnection.

I really considered them my friends. I trusted them. I was looking for a special bond with them. But it never happened. Half of them betrayed and verbally bullied me. Some of them strayed away. Some were Influenced by other bullies. Some took me for granted.

I'm awkward at voicing out my true feelings. I wanted them to know through my actions how much they meant to me, how I bragged about how nice they were, how I loved it when we went on little adventures and screamed and laughed. But they just had to go away.

My one and only lovely best friend moved away and now we live about 2000 kms apart but we still talk and she supports me (and simple for me lol) and she is kinda like one of the top reasons I'm sane rn. I'm very grateful to have her.She sometimes visits my blog through Google and reads my fics.

I've been having depressive episodes since last year. It's definitely better than last year bc back then, I used to cry in secret like- every single day. Including my birthday. I've actually kinda mastered the art of masking my feelings.

On top of that I have family problems. My dad is not really emotionally present. I hate to say this but my mom kinda victimizes herself. Evertime they have fights, I hear and notice this. It pisses me off but the points they make about themselves make sense. Eventually they make up and they sat down and made me under stand that nothing is gonna happen but it mentally affects me a lot.

Believe me when I say that I love my parents. But I'm growing distant. On top of that there is some toxic advice and they are homophobic oof.

I know there are millions of people with more worse conditions than mine and when I think about this, I get sad and start to invalidate my feelings but with the help of some motivational people, I understand that my problems are valid and I'm allowed to feel sad. At this point I'm like my own supporter. I'm proud of it.

Every time I see jean, I relate to him a lot. Putting a strong front for others but your terrified inside. (Also thighs mm)

So Hazel. Listen to me

When I found out of tumblr and fanfics, I was overjoyed. I spend weeks reading comfort fics by many different authors including yours and it made me feel safe.

I finally decided to make an account and follow people. I mostly interacted with you. There are so many blogs and moots that I follow now, and now I'm not shy or scared to interact with them.

You know why? Because of you.

It is from your blog I first felt like I could feel safe. I never felt weird about going in your inbox more than once. Everytime you responded I felt butterflies. After that when you followed me back, I actually almost cried. Every single time I saw you in my dash, inbox or responding to me, or just interacting with your fellow moots, I felt happy.

And after that I met amber, izzy, and so many cool moots. If we ever met In real love I wouldn't hesitate to give you a big hug and thank you.

Hazel baby when I say I love you, I fucking mean it.

I love you. I love you so much

I love all of my moots, and people who I interact with every day. I found so many supportive people and people from the lgbtq and people who share the same thoughts here.

Thank you for being you.

I hope you never forget how much I admire you. I'm almost tearing up as I write this. All of you guys give me so much motivation to move forward in my life.

himani please the way you had me crying because of this i love you so so so much i cant stress it enough

(imma put a read more cos this got kinda long lol)

im so happy that you found a safe space and you feel comfortable enough to tell me all of this too. you have me on discord as well and i'd always be happy to listen to you if you need to talk or just to simply simp over 2d people lmao

and im so sorry that you've been feeling terrible, it honestly breaks my heart and i wish there was something i could do. i'd hold you and be there to fight everyone for you if i could. if those friends dont keep in touch with you, they'll be missing out and they'd be losing such a precious and amazing person. but once you lose something you always gain something - thats something i've realised so you will find the right people that will stick by you for a very long time ❤❤ i'm so glad you have your best friend there to support you and sticking by you because even when you feel like everything's just going to shit i know they'd be there for you and im happy about that

your feelings are completely valid and im glad you realised that. just know that im always going to be here too to support you and to just be there for you whenever you need it

bye the way you have my heart himani, it makes me so happy that you feel safe here and that you never felt weird about interacting with me. please you give me butterflies all the time, how could i not follow a beautiful person like you. honestly the same goes to you - i love seeing you on my dash and i love seeing you have a great time and interacting with people especially with my moots it makes me so happy i cant describe it 😭

if we ever meet im not letting you leave my side, you're gonna permanently be in my arms

i love you so much more i wish there was a way i could show just how much... im glad you found people you love and those that support you and that give you motivation. and im always going to be here to support you and for anything else you need

thank you for being comfortable enough to talk to me and to share this. you're an amazing person never doubt that 🥺🥰💖

#himani 💗#i simp for you #hazel's angels #shes a certified hazel simp 😌😏#things like this are the reason im still using tumblr #the way i had literal tears #i love you so fucking much himani #lets get married

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elliethesuperfruitlover · 3 years ago

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tw/venting

so im once again randomly sad at 1:30 and honestly i hate it. i always seem to get really just down and upset during the early morning. (probably because i need to be sleeping) but this is stressful to be honest. im feeling a ton of guilt that i shouldnt even feel bad about. right, so we all know that im how old? a minor, and like.......im fine with that. im fine being this age. but like....i feel like im carrying feelings for things that dont even have to do with me. some people are like “yeah, i dont want minors interacting with my content” and for some reason, i always wonder if it has something to do with me. it doesn’t, but i feel this secondhand guilt for some reason, and it hurts. and i know it’s really selfish of me to do that, and im victimizing myself with this. i always obey the “MDNI” on people’s posts, but sometimes i feel like i did something bad. like with smut, specifically, i completely understand why people wouldn’t want minors interacting with that, it makes so much sense.

then i start feeling really upset about how i literally write smut, and read it. im starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me for having written smut, and had a specific audience read and react to it. i sometimes feel gross for just wanting to read smut. and a lot of the fandoms i read smut for may have the “MDNI” on it, which is fine, but after that, I feel this deep trench form, and it’s the worst thing. i just feel like im weird, and dirty for wanting to read smut about characters. and here comes the argument of me, a minor, reading smutty ass fanfiction about grown characters, in some scenarios. of course, i imagine myself older, above legal age, but that doesn’t stop the nasty feelings I feel. and with characters that are my age, or around my age, like with my hero academia, like sure, i crush on sero and everything, but i feel awful about reading smut for him. or even thinking about smutty things.

this also briefly dips into how i interact with my mutuals’ fics, particularly the smuttier ones. i think ‘oh god, am i being gross by interacting with this’ and i know that if they have an issue with me interacting with their fics, they would say it, clearly, and explain what needs to be explained. and i love that. but i always feel like im the weird one here, like im the odd one out, i guess because of my age. and i absolutely love and appreciate that they’ve created a safe space for me. it’s just an internal thing that’s really bothering me. and i absolutely love my mutuals as well. and i know that they also love and appreciate me, i guess i just feel that guilt.

and i know that it’s completely normal for kids my age, and teens to think about, and sometimes desire sexual things. and i know that it’s fine to explore those thoughts. sometimes, though, i just feel like im being a hypocrite. i. e. some shoes marketed towards teens, such as euphoria, and riverdale (off the top of my head, not biased) portray teenagers that might not be accurate. i don’t know what it’s like to be y’know present in a high school, and there, but for my own experiences, at least, i feel like it’s not true, or at least not in all of its glory. im like the outlier for a lot of that stuff. and i know it probably exists in some places, but i feel like this is how society views teens, and what they expect from us. i feel this odd pressure to be everything that society expects me not to be. and on some posts and stuff, i see what seems to be a bit of a disdain for kids of my generation, or at least gen z and i just kinda freeze and panic. i go “oh god, do they think this of me” “do they hate me” and i know that they don’t but it’s this lingering thought of “this is what they think of other kids in the same group as you”. i know it doesn’t represent the entire view but i just feel like i cant say anything, or bring it up. it makes me feel like im the problem.

anyway, i feel like i can’t do some of the things that i want because im scared of what people will think of me. like, sometimes i just feel hot, y’know and of course, send nice photos to a pal or two, but i’d never post that shit publicly. why, you might ask? because im a minor, and just because i feel nice about myself doesn’t mean that i need other ppl being gross about it. some people always say “these teens are always posting stuff all over social media. they share everything on there.” one, yes, we do, some people should know better. but also, two, this is new, people are being misled, mistakes are going to happen. plus, when you dont have that outlet to do other things, you go where you may feel safer to do something. it may not even be the best choice either. i agree that teens shouldnt post everything to social media, but i also believe that we should be allowed to make mistakes too? and have a bit of fun (where it’s morally correct, im not talking about driving people to suicide, or posting nudes (or semi-nudes on insta when you’re 13, that’s just wrong) anyways. i just feel like i cant do anything bc im gonna get shit for it, and further promote an agenda, but at this point im kinda starting to tear myself down about other people’s opinions, and that’s shitty.

also i feel like teens cant do shit in GENERAL, but that’s another conversation for another fucking day.

i always try to keep my opinions and everything at bay, because i hate when conflict is directed at me. and i dont like the panic of waiting for someone to text, or message me when i had what could be considered a hot take. i feel like i cant disagree, or think differently. or even sometimes just speak my mind because im scared of the repercussions. so i kinda just shut up, and stay in my little corner, and i absolutely hate that. but i also dont like being vocal about my opinions because of the fear that it produces.

and also sometimes some of the shit that people come up with im like......okay, i feel like i cant joke about. like when i talk about “MILF dennys” or “DILF buffalo wild wings” I DONT WANT TO BE A MILF, NOR A DILF. i dont even want kids, so ahaha. i say that shit as a joke.

kids, get future milf out of your bio, unless you put a “/j” or “/hj” after it. also, you don’t want to be a sex worker, or a stripper. im pro sex-work, but don’t look at that as your ONLY job option. that shit gets people killed, or tortured, and mistreated. if it’s a joke, it’s a joke, but it’s a dangerous choice, and it’s your grave bestie. and no, people contradicting you isn’t sexist, or misogynistic UNLESS IT’S LITERALLY THAT. people can be like “i think your opinion is a little harmful, ngl” and you can respond respectfully and be like “do tell, im open to listen” and not go off about someone not supporting your choices. if it’s something that you can avoid, do it. IF IT’S ILLEGAL, DONT DO IT. like, prostitution is illegal where i live, so if yall try to do that shit, dont expect to be given special treatment. people already see kids, women, and sex workers as what? OBJECTS. you’re nothing to people who may be incarcerating you one minute, and calling you for a 5 minute hookup the next. it’s not empowerment to be on places, and letting yourself be groomed and taken advantage of by nasty ass people who need to be locked up. i understand that you should be able to do what you wan, and wear what you want, but there’s some disgusting people out here.

and it’s also the usual shit bothering me, the pandemic, school, my brother saying fatphobic stuff, yada yada. i want a HUG. and i need to sit in someone’s lap for god’s sake anyways.

im also pretty sure that it’s NOT normal to have this many extreme changes in mood. like i was fine earlier yesterday but as soon as i see one thing that hits too close, im upset so....anyways.

also yes i feel bad about this because i really need to talk to someone about these issues, instead of y’know, letting them pile up and haunt me until im emotionally unavailable because i hide my feelings. this is further promoting other people’s view of teens oversharing on social media. but to be honest, people are going to hate gen z, and teens for a lot of shit. and i cant stop them from doing that. i can, however, keep myself out of their line of sight and dont cause issues about it. anyways, im gonna go rewatch some invincible (wow 3rd time now). and try to keep my mind off of wanting to be in someone’s arms while we make out. :)

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gore-hovnd · 4 years ago

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Im gonna cry on here bc my friends mostly dont use tumblr and ion wanna worry them pff

but i rlly hate being trans. literally with all of my being, i hate it. i don't know why i have to deal w this or why i couldn't just be born normal bc it literally makes everything harder.

i changed my name to Grey last december but i haven't told anyone in my daily life that yet. no one irl calls me by the right name bc i'm too scared to make that social transition again. last July, i changes my name to Caleb bc my stalker had been using my previous name and it freaked me out and made me completely reject it. i should've started going by Grey then like i wanted to but i chose Caleb bc it was closer in sound. it would be easier for everyone else. i picked my name based on the convenience of everyone around me rather than my own comfort. and i still hate myself for that bc things would be easier now if i had just said "Greyson" in that stupid post. and for five months, i tried to tell myself that i liked it. but i didnt and now i feel like i introduce myself as a stranger, i feel so disconnected from my sense of self that i dont even feel like a real person. just the idea of a person. i introduced myself to everyone at my job as Caleb, and now im too scared to ask them otherwise. i havent rlly told anyone im trans, my boss and his wife know and they're really accepting. my boss is lgbt and only came out a couple months ago and i like that bc it makes me feel safer. but most of my co-workers don't know. i dont correct any one bc i havent started transitioning yet. i know i look like a girl, i know i sound like a girl too. and i hate it, i want to start hrt so badly but it's just not the right time. i wish i wasnt such a coward, i wish i could say "sorry guys, names changing" and not feel guilty. bc i dont really care that it's inconvenient for them. bc its something that literally puts me through the ringer every day. it's so frustrating to suddenly feel like people call you the wrong name and it's so jarring to feel like you're talking about a different person when you tell someone new your name. i just hate it so much

#vent post #vent #leaves rustle #rambles #i just needed to get this out of my system #i also might be a little tipsy but w/e

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kyleknight · 4 years ago

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Shapeshifters

October Writing Challenge Day 4 part 2 project: bts shapeshifting light weapons au content: eventual ot7, fantasy, shapeshifting weapons sorta like soul eater, parallel worlds I guess? warnings: mild fighting against monsters an: ok so this is stuff that Ive already written for this au but Im planning on writing more so I wanted to have this stuff posted already bc it explains the world pretty well.

The stars overhead are a little too bright. A little too big, too close. If Hoseok looks up at the sky long enough, he can actually pick out sharp pointed edges to them. He tries not to look at them and pretends the natural light illuminating his path is moonlight instead of starlight.

Namjoon is leading him along the path at a brisk pace— not quite a run, but it’s fast enough that Hoseok feels a little less panicked about… well… everything. There’s not enough cover out here and Hoseok is terrified of seeing another one of those giant creatures.

He spots the building, standing in a small clearing. It’s a nice change from the seemingly endless twisted trees on one side of the path and the barren field on the other.

“What’s that?” he asks Namjoon. It’s a question he’s been asking a lot in the past hour or so.

“The house? It’s safe,” Namjoon answers. “My friends are in there.”

“They’re like you?” Hoseok says.

Namjoon doesn’t respond until they reach the building. He ignores the door and goes to a boarded up window instead, knocking rapidly on it. “It’s me! Open up!”

A brief moment later, a board covering one of the windows slides and moves out of the window. It’s barely enough space for a person to squeeze through.

“Come on,” Namjoon says. “It’s safe in here.” He glances backwards, and Hoseok does as well. He can’t see anything, but those things from earlier came out of nowhere. Hoseok turns back and climbs through the opening.

He finds himself in a large room that’s got building materials piled up against the walls but is otherwise empty. Well, empty except for another guy holding the board that must have been blocking the entrance. Hoseok eyes him carefully and moves aside as Namjoon gets inside. The guy then wedges the board back into place.

Hoseok glances around the dark room. There are no light fixtures on the ceiling and no other sources of light save for the starlight sneaking in through cracks in the boards. He feels marginally safer, though. As long as nothing scary is going to jump out at him like earlier.

“Hoseok-ssi,” Namjoon says, “This is Jungkook. One of my friends. And… where’s Jimin and Taehyung?”

“They went out,” Jungkook says. “There was a pack of Shadows that was getting close, so they went to drive them back.”

Namjoon looks worried. “How long ago was that?”

“Not long,” Jungkook says. “But they’re careful. I’ve been watching through the windows just in case Taehyung-ah puts up a firework.” He looks curiously at Hoseok. “So who’s this?”

Namjoon gestures towards the far wall. “Let’s talk in the inside room. It’s complicated.”

Hoseok’s eyes start to adjust as Namjoon guides him through the dark building. It’s a bit like an old farmhouse, he thinks. The first two rooms are sparse, mostly full of wooden supplies and tools, separated by heavy doors. The third room feels much more lived in: resembling a kitchen and more familial storage area. From there, a narrow stairwell leads up to a room with beds, couches, clothes and sheets hung from the wooden rafters above. The thing Hoseok likes more about this room is the larger spaces in between the boards, allowing more starlight to pass through to illuminate the room.

Namjoon leads Hoseok to a couch with two blankets thrown across it. Hoseok takes one and wraps it around himself. He’s not too cold with his jacket and layers, but the lack of any kind of external warmth here is unnerving enough to send more chills than usual through him.

Hoseok has so many questions, things he’s still rattled by, but for now, he’s just relieved to be inside.

“I have more things to explain to you, Hoseok-ssi,” Namjoon says. “But first, I need to tell— Jungkook. Hoseok-ssi is a handler. He’s not from here. He’s from another world, I think.”

Jungkook’s eyes are wide. “Really? Where did you find him?”

“When I was in town,” Namjoon says. “There was a light from the river. I went to go check on it and he was there. There were a few Shadows already on him, so I went to help him out. He brought the light out of me without me even realizing it. We destroyed the Shadows.”

Hoseok watches Jungkook’s reactions. Namjoon’s explanations from earlier didn’t really explain much, but he’s had a little bit of time to try and process them. People here can turn into weapons. Light is dangerous. Hoseok is special, because of what he did when he was holding Namjoon-turned-into-a-bow. Namjoon can turn into a bow and shoot arrows made of soft white light.

“You’re both magic weapons then?” Hoseok says.

Namjoon nods. “Jungkook is a pistol. And you saw what I am. And what I can do, when the conditions are right. Doing that can destroy the Shadows, but it’s also dangerous because it can attract more attention if you’re careless about it.”

Hoseok pulls the blanket closer around himself. “And that goes for all types of light? Fire too?”

Namjoon’s face turns more serious. “Yeah. It’s… that’s sort of how all the handlers disappeared here. After the sun disappeared and the moon went dark, they couldn’t stand it. They tried to survive with fire and other types of light, but the Shadows got too strong. I’ve never even met one before, not until you.”

Hoseok looks from Namjoon to Jungkook, who is standing near the window, looking outside. He feels so out of his depth. He’s so scared and he just wants to go home. Namjoon is kind and definitely pretty resourceful, but he already told Hoseok he doesn’t understand how he made it to this world. He’s not going to have any suggestions for how to send Hoseok back. And, considering all of their problems with the terrifying Shadows, it feels like it would be selfish to ask.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Yoongi should have just stayed inside today.

He tries to rationalize how it’s not his fault that someone was dumb enough to set off some kind of bright ass firecracker at the shore of the creepiest, darkest lake around. Probably some idiots testing out their light instead of keeping their heads down and not causing trouble. You know, like a rational person.

Unfortunately, Yoongi can hear the person screaming even from his little fishing hut. If he squints, he can almost make out the small gang of Shadows chasing the guy. He frowns and tries to look for the person’s friend and finds nobody. What the hell? Who just leaves their friend to get hunted down by the Shadows just to save their own skin? They’ve got to be close, to set off light of that magnitude. What a fucking shitty ass betrayal.

Yoongi sighs heavily, shuts the door behind him, and throws himself into a full sprint. The guy is running around aimlessly, the Shadows following him out of curiosity more than anything. That’s good for now but eventually he’ll get tired and the Shadows will get him. Yoongi has to slow down as he gets closer, but he quickly sees an opportunity.

“Change!” he yells, running for the guy. “I’ll help you push them back!”

“Ahhh!” the guy screams. “Help me!” Instead of turning into whatever form he has, he just runs for Yoongi with open arms.

Good grief. Yoongi isn’t exactly comfortable in his sword form, but what the hell ever. He’d rather not be swung around by a panicking fool, but he’s more concerned about the four Shadows than he is about being dropped.

He changes and even has the decency to land himself in the guy’s right hand.

“Ahhh!” the guy screams again, dropping Yoongi just as he expected. “What’s this! What’s this!”

“Don’t drop me!” Yoongi yells. He’s a nice guy, okay, and he doesn’t normally yell at strangers, but this is kind of a dire situation. “Pick me up! Scare them off!”

“Ahhh!” The guy won’t stop screaming, but he picks Yoongi up again and holds him in a position so unbalanced that Yoongi is sure he’s going to be dropped again. The Shadows slow down to a stop, uncomfortably close but not close enough to be in range of Yoongi’s blade. They’re bigger than the usual Shadow that Yoongi encounters. Very bad.

“Quit panicking!” Yoongi says. “They’ve stopped, now swing me around a bit. Act threatening!”

Unfortunately, this guy is incapable of getting himself together. It’s like he’s never dealt with a Shadow before. He goes, “Ahhh!” again and swings Yoongi in the most wobbly manner ever. Yoongi actually feels a bit sick from the motion. One of the Shadows moves back a bit, though.

“Do that again,” Yoongi grits out. “But please, just try to get yourself together. It’s fine, I’m not gonna let you die. It’s going to be okay.”

“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” the guy says. He’s shaking, but he adjusts his hold on Yoongi and yells again as he slashes the air in front of him wildly. This time, two of the Shadows back off and the smaller of the two runs in the opposite direction. The two that are closest to Yoongi and his unfortunate partner aren’t convinced by the show. One lumbers closer.

“Fuck,” Yoongi mutters. That light display earlier was pretty impressive. It makes sense that these Shadows wouldn’t be easily scared off.

“One more time,” Yoongi says. “You can do this. Come on!”

“Ahh!” the guy screams, but this time it’s in a wild desperation. He brings Yoongi back with more force to prepare for another swing, and something resonates within Yoongi. His heart beats harder, louder. His mind feels at peace. The guy swings him and the brightest light Yoongi has ever seen in his life pours out of his blade. He feels the light slice through the Shadows, including the one that had turned and run. The light pierces through the dark lakeshore all around them and eliminates every shred of darkness.

Then, as quickly as it came, the light is gone. The Shadows are gone. Yoongi is in his human form on his hands and knees, shaking. What just happened?

“What the fuck did you do?” he gasps. He looks back at the guy, who looks just as panicked as when Yoongi showed up.

“C-can you tell me where I am?” the guy says, sounding like he’s about to start crying. “I’m so scared, and confused. I was just at the train station, it was morning, and then all of a sudden I’m here and it’s night— oh god, what if I’m on drugs. Someone roofied me. Oh god, I want to snap out of this. Can you find me a hospital? My phone is dead.”

Okay, this guy is nuts. Yoongi groans and rubs at his forehead as he makes his way to his feet. “Come on, we need to get to some shelter before more Shadows show up. You can stay with me until your friend shows up again.”

“My friend?” the guy says. “I’m not— who are you talking about?”

“Whoever was with you to make that light earlier,” Yoongi says. “You’re traveling with someone, right?”

“I’m not here with anyone,” the guy says. “I don’t think so anyway… there were a lot of people at the station, but there was nobody when I ended up here. I wasn’t traveling with anyone. I just ended up here alone. Until you showed up.”

Yoongi shoots the guy with a skeptical look. “So what, you made that light by yourself?” He didn’t realize that was possible. But that’s not the important thing here. “Are you insane? Were you trying to draw the attention of the Shadows? You know you could have gotten yourself killed!”

“I don’t know what’s going on!” the guy says desperately. “This place is so scary, and those monsters started chasing after me, and you turned into a sword! I don’t understand how any of this is happening! I feel like I’m in a movie, and I want to go home!”

Okay, this guy is more nuts than Yoongi initially thought. But between dealing with crazy and dealing with more Shadows, Yoongi would take crazy any day. He sighs, rubs at his eyes, and motions for the guy to follow him.

“You can find your way home after we wait out the Shadows that are bound to come after that light,” he says. “I’m not staying out here any longer. Come on. My place is just over there.”

“Thank you,” the guy says, sounding more subdued. “I’m sorry, I’m just so confused. Thank you for helping me. I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t show up.”

Yoongi is pretty sure they’re both aware of what would have happened if he didn’t show up to help.

“My name is Kim Seokjin.”

“Min Yoongi,” Yoongi says.

“Thank you, Min Yoongi-ssi.”

“Mm-hm.”

Seokjin doesn’t say anything else during the short walk to Yoongi’s place. Yoongi makes sure to shut the door firmly behind him— normally it’s not a problem, the Shadows don’t bother with this place because it’s so dark already. But he can’t be too sure now, after that impossible light Seokjin somehow pulled out of Yoongi.

That’s… that’s something that confuses Yoongi more than anything. He doesn’t know Seokjin. There’s no way there could be enough of a bond between two strangers to draw out that much light. Killing Shadows is next to impossible, and somehow Seokjin did it without Yoongi even realizing it was happening. Yoongi doesn’t even know what kind of light he can produce; he’s never managed anything more than a soft glow in the past.

Yoongi takes out a spare mat so he and Seokjin can sit on the floor, as far from the door as possible without being on Yoongi’s bed. He’s not that hospitable. Seokjin is looking around a bit uncomfortably.

“Do you have a lamp or a candle?” he says. “I’m sorry, if you prefer the dark, we can stay like this, but I’d rather be able to see your face. I’m still a little— I’m very spooked from those things.”

Yoongi blinks slowly at him. “A candle,” he says slowly. “Like… those things that people used to light on fire.”

“Yes?” Seokjin says. “Um. But, like I said, it’s okay—”

“You’re really not from around here, aren’t you?” Yoongi says. “That, or you have an actual death wish, which I can’t believe, because of how you reacted to the Shadows.” This is so confusing. This guy is acting like he has no idea how the world works. Children know that light is dangerous and how to avoid making it, even before they learn how to speak full sentences. What’s with this guy? How did he end up at the lake in this state?

“Um,” Seokjin says. He pulls his coat closer to his body. That’s another strange thing. He’s dressed in the strangest style Yoongi’s ever seen. He said something about a train. Yoongi knows trains haven’t run since shortly after the sun went dark. They were magnets for Shadow attacks. Even running without lights, the fires in the furnaces would attract dozens of Shadows, who would swarm the engines and tear through the people inside.

“I’m sorry,” Seokjin says. “If you don’t have anything like that… I didn’t mean to… I’ll just wait until morning and I’ll go and try to find my way home.”

“Morning,” Yoongi repeats. “Seokjin… I don’t know where you’re from, but in this world, there’s no morning.”

Seokjin goes still. “In this world? What are you talking about?”

Yoongi has a suspicion. It’s crazy and impossible, but so is a stranger pulling light like that out of Yoongi with no warning. “Seokjin, can you describe the place where you’re from?”

“It’s… it’s Seoul. I mean, originally I’m from Gwacheon. But I moved to Seoul to train to be an idol. Seoul is a big city. The biggest in Korea. There’s so many people, so much to do. It’s nice, but I miss home sometimes. Gwacheon has some of the most beautiful parks—”

“And you have the sun,” Yoongi interrupts.

Seokjin nods. “Of course we have the sun. I think the world would freeze into a ball of ice without it.”

Yoongi lets out a shaky breath. “Seokjin, we don’t have the sun here. Wherever you’re from, I can say for sure it’s not here. I don’t know how you got here, but you probably need to learn some things about this place if you don’t want to run into more Shadows and get yourself killed.”

#mani playing with words #oh Im scared to tag this as something people can search for #can you believe theres no jimin in this?? hes my bias and yet he wont show up until the next part

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kagehinataboke · 5 years ago

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Im so fucking guilty of staying up late just to binge on your works because your writing is so great ! I just cant help but need to request a tdbk college au where katsuki is a punk with a loud bike and Shouto is just this perfect good boy who got roped into bad boy Katsuki’s lifestyle, basically a good boy/bad boy dynamics, pretty please ?? 🥺🥺 (gonna use emojis to be more convincing)

awww omg thank you, you sweet angel ❤️😭 ily uwu

and yassss ✨❤️ here’s pre-med student Todoroki ft. bad boy Bakugou 👏🏻

accidentally made this super long ooops

***

Todoroki thought he knew what tired was, but his pre-med course has completely reinvented the word. Exhausted, debilitated, and lifeless are better words to describe the kind of fatigue he feels. It’s class to class to class, with endless homework in between. Sleep? It’s basically a foreign concept at this point.

Heck, Todoroki is barely awake now, which isn’t such a good thing when one is walking down the street alone at night. He keeps almost drifting into lamp posts and street signs. The last lecture was just so long…

“Fuck.”

For a second, Todoroki thinks the expletive is directed at him. Then he lifts his head. There’s a bloodied figure hunched over in the nearest alley, both hands pressed against a large wound in his lower abdomen. He’s swearing at the sky, which is probably the only place he can look without passing out. Todoroki, despite not being the one in peril, feels a jolt of adrenaline spike through him. He knows he shouldn’t be approaching someone who has what is clearly a stab wound, but his medical training is already kicking in.

“Move your hands.”

The stranger squints at him with crimson eyes. “…What? Who the fuck are—“

Todoroki forcibly pushes his arms back. “You’re pressing on the wrong spot. You’ll bleed out.” He puts his own hands on the wound, altering pressure until the blood stops gushing between his fingers. When he has a solid position, he meets the stranger’s gaze. “What’s your name?”

“Bakugou Katsuki…” He closes his eyes to take a shuddering breath. “Shit. Don’t call the fucking cops, okay?”

“Well, that leaves me with very limited options…” Todoroki struggles to think of an alternative. His apartment is close, but he can’t take his hands off the stab wound. “Bakugou, If I tell you where to hold your hands, can you keep even pressure while I carry you to my place?”

“I don’t have much choice, do I?” Bakugou weakly rolls his head to look at his stomach. “Just tell me what to do before I fucking bleed out.”

As much as Todoroki doesn’t want this obvious delinquent in his house, he can’t exactly let someone die in an alley, either. “Put your hands here. Yeah. Keep pressure. Good.” As soon as his hands are free, Todoroki moves to slip an arm around Bakugou’s shoulders. He flinches and delivers an intimidating glare, but Todoroki can’t be swayed when he’s in Doctor Mode. “Don’t move your hands.”

“Fine… Don’t fucking touch me anywhere weird, asshole.”

“That isn’t how you should be talking to someone who’s saving your life,” Todoroki mutters, pushing himself to a standing position. Bakugou isn’t as heavy as he expected. “Try not to pass out before we get there.”

“Fuck you.”

***

After Todoroki treats him and sends him on his way, he never expects to see Bakugou Katsuki again. Fate, however, has different expectations. While he’s walking home from his morning class, Todoroki hears the rev of a motorcycle through his headphones. When it stops suspiciously close by, he turns to find a familiar blond delinquent smirking at him.

“Bakugou?” Todoroki takes out one earbud. “What are you doing here?”

“I was in town when I spotted you walking.” Bakugou leans his arms on the motorcycle, grin widening. “Want a ride?”

“On that?” Todoroki raises an eyebrow at the rumbling Harley. “No thanks. You’re nine times more likely to become injured while riding a motorcycle than while driving a car, you know. It’s not safe.”

“Oh yeah?” Bakugou lifts his own brow in retaliation. “But it still looks fucking cool, at least.”

Todoroki sighs and starts walking again, but Bakugou doesn’t give up easily. He follows at a snail’s pace, calling out childishly every few steps. “C’mon, pretty boy, live a little!”

The phrase ‘live a little’ gets to him. As a med student, Todoroki feels like he definitely lives on the safer side. He lost many friends in high school because he was “too boring.” Hearing Bakugou say it presses on an old bruise. He shouldn’t get so worked up over it, but…

Even though he knows he’s being an idiot, Todoroki stalks over to Bakugou’s motorcycle and slides on. The seat is humming gently, and Bakugou’s back is warm. His smile is still, however, incredibly annoying. “That’s more like it.” He passes Todoroki a spare helmet. “Where to, angel?”

“Fourth and Main.” Todoroki pauses. “Don’t call me that.”

“Hey, I call it like I see it.” Bakugou flips down the visor on his helmet, revving the engine obnoxiously. “Hold on tight.”

They take off, and Todoroki quickly lurches forward to grab Bakugou’s waist. He’s never felt this kind of adrenaline before, not even in the alley when they first met. The wind whips against his face and tugs at his clothes, and the street whizzes by underneath his feet in a blur of gray asphalt. Todoroki doesn’t even realize they’re not heading in the right direction until they stop.

“This isn’t Fourth and Main.” Todoroki’s hands shift away as Bakugou puts the Harley in park. “Where are we?”

“Just gotta grab something real quick. Don’t look so scared.” Bakugou pulls off his helmet, his hair somehow pristine underneath. He brushes it out of his face before shooting Todoroki a grin. “Coming?”

He isn’t about to sit out here alone, so he nods hesitantly. “I guess.”

“You’ll have to let go of me, then.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry.”

They dismount, Bakugou taking the lead. He uses a key to get into the decrepit brick building they’ve parked in front of—probably his apartment complex, if Todoroki were to wager a guess. It’s covered in graffiti outside, but the interior is normal enough. Todoroki trails Bakugou down the hall to a door on the far end, pausing while he fiddles with the lock. “This damn thing always jams. Fuck. There.”

Todoroki isn’t sure what he’s expecting, but it isn’t this. Bakugou’s apartment is flawless. In fact, it’s cleaner than Todoroki’s dorm. The floors are dark hardwood, the walls are painted a nice shade of orange, and in the windowsill, there’s a neat line of potted succulents. It looks more like a high-rise magazine ad than a lived-in space.

“Fuck, where did I put it?” Bakugou digs noisily through a stack of papers on the coffee table, disrupting the peace. He certainly contrasts sharply to his apartment with his spiked hair, scowl, and ear piercings. And his attitude, of course. “Ah, fuck. Here it is.” He pulls something out of the pile with finality, sliding dislodged papers under the table with his foot.

It’s a textbook. Todoroki recognizes it from a class his sister took. “Advanced Biochemistry? You take that course?”

“Don’t look so surprised, asshole.” Bakugou ushers him out the door, locking it behind them. “Just because I swear and look intimidating doesn’t mean I’m a fucking moron.”

“I never thought you were.” Todoroki waits to be passed a motorcycle helmet before saying anything else. “How’s your stomach doing?”

“Huh? It’s fine. I’ve been hurt way worse than this. More importantly…” Bakugou smirks in a worrying and heart-stopping way. “What time does your class get out? I’ll pick you up.”

Todoroki shouldn’t tell him. He’s been thinking he shouldn’t do a lot of things recently. Unfortunately, he never takes his own advice. “Ten thirty. Don’t be late.”

***

Seeing him becomes a habit. Every time Todoroki gets out of class, Bakugou is there, leaning against his motorcycle with a smirk and a wave. When exactly they started spending so much time together is a mystery, but Todoroki can no longer remember the time when he walked home alone. When he was alone, period.

He asks Bakugou about it while he’s sitting on his spotless white sofa, eating take-out soba. “When did we become friends?”

“Huh?” Bakugou looks up from his chemistry textbook with a scoff. “Why the fuck are you asking that? I dunno.”

“Well, it was after you started harassing me all the time,” Todoroki continues with a frown. “Following me around on your motorcycle, calling me to patch you up after a fight—”

“That was one fucking time!” Bakugou interrupts, throwing a packet of soy sauce at Todoroki’s head. “Are you trying to piss me off, bastard? I swear I’ll make you walk home.”

“I’m only kidding. I like being friends with you.” Todoroki finishes his noodles and smacks the back of Bakugou’s head on his way to the kitchen. “I’d patch you up again if you asked me. It’s good practice for med school.”

“Asshole.” Bakugou rubs his head irritably. “Fuck, did you know that you give off mixed signals? God damn.”

Todoroki doesn’t answer. ‘Mixed signals’? Ha. If anything, Bakugou is the one who gives them off. He follows Todoroki everywhere, and he’s constantly flirting with him, but that’s as far as it goes. He still swears an ungodly amount, is the exact opposite of considerate, and has the crudest sense of humor in the world. It’s impossible to believe that he fell in love with a person like that.

Yes, unfortunately: he did fall in love. With Bakugou Katsuki, of all people. It’s a rather unfortunate turn of events, mainly because Todoroki finds himself worrying about Bakugou more than he worries about himself. He’s more conscious of him, too: he can’t help it. Even now, he’s studying the blond out of the corner of his eye. He’s been holding his arm awkwardly all day.

“Did you get in another fight?” Todoroki finishes washing his noodle bowl and turns a scrutinizing gaze on Bakugou, who flinches.

“…What gives you that idea?”

“You just confirmed it.” Todoroki narrows his eyes, and Bakugou’s widen. He leaps to his feet like a startled cat, putting the couch between them as a protective barrier.

“You stay the fuck away from—“ Todoroki jumps at him before he can finish the sentence, vaulting the couch in a single movement. Bakugou screeches and barely dodges him, sprinting around the coffee table. “You fucking psycho! Don’t do this again!”

“Let me see your arm, then!” Todoroki picks up a magazine and nails him in the back with it. Bakugou stumbles, his socked feet slipping on the hardwood floor. Todoroki takes the opportunity to grab his shirt collar, yanking him onto the couch in a headlock. He pulls up Bakugou’s left sleeve, revealing a long bloodied bandage covering his arm. “I knew it… When did you get this?”

Bakugou, sulking over the lost struggle, lets out a heavy breath. “Last night, after I dropped you off.” He glares out the window. “There was a guy outside. He said some shit, and we got into it. I’m fine.”

“Let me see it.” Todoroki relaxes his grip and Bakugou slides onto the floor, but he doesn’t run away. He surrenders his arm to Todoroki, grumbling irritably the whole time he unwraps it. It’s bad, to say the least, but at least it doesn’t look infected. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

Todoroki already knows the answer: Bakugou thinks they belong to different worlds. He keeps Todoroki out of trouble, even if it means being a reckless idiot. It makes him so angry that he wants to scream. But he settles on leaving, instead. He lets Bakugou go and grabs his bag. “I have to go.”

“Wait. It’s late. I’ll drive you—“

Todoroki slams the door, cutting him off. So what if it’s late? He’d rather walk alone in the pitch black than risk saying things he’ll regret later.

He really needs to get a handle on these feelings, before they get out of hand.

***

He really should’ve let Bakugou drive him home. If he had, the idiot would’ve stayed out of trouble. When Todoroki gets a text with three words and a location ping before dawn, he already knows it’s bad news.

from: blond moron at 4:32 AM.

>> i need you

>> blond moron sent his location

Todoroki stumbles around pulling on clothes in the dark. His heart is hammering so loudly in his ears that he can’t even hear himself breathing. The location is an alleyway a few blocks away. That can’t be good. What the hell has Bakugou gotten himself into this time?

By the time he arrives, Todoroki has been through every worst-case scenario. But nothing could have prepared him for this. Bakugou, unconscious in a pool of blood. Three guys surrounding him, one of them with Bakugou’s cellphone in his hand. They’re gang members: he recognizes them from around town. Oh god. And as if things couldn’t get any worse, Todoroki was in such a hurry that he didn’t bring his phone or a weapon. Basically, he’s screwed.

“What’s going on here?” At least he can keep the tremor out of his voice.

One of the gang members scoffs. “Fuck. This is who this asshole saved as ‘angel’? I thought it’d be a chick.”

Todoroki shifts nervously, realizing what their intentions must be. Panic rises in his chest, but he shoves it down. Fight or flight is a natural response. He can ignore it if he tries. “You… You should get out of here before I call the police.” Hopefully, the bluff is believable.

The group of guys ignores him. “Even if he’s not a girl, he’s got a pretty face,” one says, giving Todoroki a creepy once-over. “Shame about that scar, but the rest of him could get me off.”

Todoroki is so offended that he almost scoffs. Why the hell didn’t he bring his phone? God, he’ll never yell at Bakugou for calling him stupid ever again… But what’s important right now is getting them both safely out of this situation. There won’t be people out on the street so late at night, so helpful bystander intervention is out. Todoroki is all alone on this one.

The gang members seem to have reached a consensus. They drop Bakugou’s phone and circle him, smirking and heckling. He figures he’s got two options: run or beat them up. Maybe fight or flight isn’t easy to ignore, after all.

“If you don’t put up a fight, this’ll all be much easier,” one of the men says, slowly inching closer, like a lion circling its prey.

Todoroki takes a page from Bakugou’s book. “Fuck you.”

Making them angry will make them clumsy.

Probably.

***

“Do you want to explain to me how you got these injuries?”

Todoroki shifts in his hospital bed, avoiding the officer’s gaze. “Not really?”

“What about the gentleman you came in with?” A pencil taps impatiently against a pad of paper. “Did you two get into some type of altercation?”

“No. I told you, he’s my friend.” Todoroki scratches the bandage on his head nervously. “The two of us were mugged by those three men. Unprovoked.”

“Uh-huh.” The pencil stops tapping, and the officer sighs. “Alright, then. I’ll go talk to those three and see what information I can get. If you’d like to change your statement at any time, I’ll be here.”

As soon as he’s gone, Todoroki sags against his pillows. He still can’t believe they actually escaped. He got lucky, that’s for sure. That wrench he found probably saved both of their lives. His, most definitely, even if it didn’t save all of him. He’s got a nasty gash on his head, dark bruises around his neck, and scratch-marks all over his chest and back.

Bakugou is pretty banged up, too, but not as badly. He’s only got a minor concussion and a nasty cut on his torso. Just when that stab wound was starting to scar over, too.

“Todoroki-san?” A nurse knocks and sticks her head in through the open door. “Are you up for a visitor?”

“A visitor?” Todoroki’s heart leaps. It must be him. “Sure.”

Bakugou appears in the gap the nurse vacates, holding onto an IV pole with one hand. He’s ditched his hospital gown for a loose cotton shirt and jeans, most definitely against medical orders. “…Hey.”

“Hey.” Todoroki waits for him to sit down before sitting up. “Are you allowed to be walking around?”

“Not really.” Bakugou looks at him, and Todoroki is shocked to see tears slip down his face. He’s never seen him cry. Never. “You’re a fucking idiot.” The swearing isn’t new, though.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Todoroki presses his fingertips together, then relaxes them again. “It’s not like the situation was avoidable,” he murmurs eventually. “They texted me pretending to be you. I couldn’t just ignore it. And if I hadn’t come—”

Bakugou slams a fist into the wall, startling Todoroki into silence. “If you hadn’t come, those motherfuckers wouldn’t have—” He takes a measured breath before continuing. “They told me what those bastards tried to do. I was so pissed, I wanted to punch myself. If I wasn’t an idiot who got into fights in the first place, you wouldn’t have had to go through that shit. It’s my fault.”

“I’m fine,” Todoroki tells him quietly. “They barely touched—” He trails off when Bakugou’s fingertips brush against the bruises at his throat. He expects to feel a jolt of suppressed trauma, but there’s nothing more than a lump building in his throat. “Bakugou, I’m really…”

“You’re not fine.” He runs a hand through his hair without meeting Todoroki’s eyes. “Fuck. I can’t…” He flinches when Todoroki takes his hand.

“I know you think I can’t handle myself. And don’t try to argue: I know it’s true, too. But I can. I took care of us both this time.” He squeezes Bakugou’s hand. “I’m strong, too. Even if I don’t look as intimidating as you do.” He tries to smile. “This didn’t scare me. Not in the least.”

For a while, they linger in silence. Then Bakugou sighs, pressing their joined hands to his forehead. “Yeah,” he relents, “I know you’re strong. It’s part of the reason I like you so damn much.”

If he didn’t know any better, Todoroki would think he‘s dreaming. But his head throbs too much for him to be asleep. “What did you say?”

“I like you.” Bakugou doesn’t let go of his hand. “But you knew that, right? I didn’t mean to take so long to tell you. I guess I didn’t want to make myself seem less cool in your eyes? Don’t laugh. I know it sounds fucking stupid now.”

“This is kind of… the worst timing for a confession,” Todoroki mutters, but he can feel himself smiling. “I have a concussion.”

“What? Why does that matter?”

“I just really don’t want to forget this.”

“Really?” Bakugou snorts. “Idiot… Don’t worry. I won’t let you forget it.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?” Todoroki raises an eyebrow, and Bakugou’s smile stretches against his fingers.

“Definitely a promise.”

#wow this was actually so much fun #ugh #y'all gettin' me with these good prompts #wth #calla.txt #answered asks #todobaku

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masterserris · 5 years ago

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all versions of mysterio are feral bastards, at least a little bit. dramatic and chaotic and cunning and damn dangerous despite just being a Guy. mysterio’s real powers are his words and psychological warfare.

but not completely evil either. jerks for sure but even still they aren’t ya know... in-human. case and point: Ends of the Earth. p much all mysterio’s i’ve seen do this shit

more spoilers under cut

like gyllenbeck didnt wanna kill parker at all. sure he always had planned to kill nick fury and maybe some civilians would get hurt in his illusion shit to sell it being real, but he really didnt wanna drag peter into it

peter finding the truth put himself and others in danger.

from a villain perspective, ya gotta tie up loose ends. mysterio was very on-point looking for those little details and possible issues and trying to deal with them

case in point: the trippy mindfuck illusion scene to get rid of parker and the evidence. also the final scene when he notices the issue with the drones RIGHT away.

he’s smart. he dont fuck around. he has plans for plans. i dont think he’s dead. he honestly shouldnt be. if marvel says he’s dead then they are lying cowards imo lol

yeah he’s a huge jerk for tryina kill mj, ned, and all the people who know his secret but it makes sense and it isnt done just to be evil.

------------

but like what floors me is that mysterio really could have been a hero with all that tech. he was gonna be a hero. he just did it. badly. in a very dangerous way.

if he’d have just let his grudges go, just talked it out, he could have used all that shit to fight real villains. it worked stupid good against peter. only by a fluke did he even figure out it was fake

sure plenty of other people could have figured out it was fake. but like. he coulda really used that tech to help people more. just own it man.

deadass you wanted your holograms to change the world and you could have!! but ya let your anger/grudges get in the way. and that is something mysterio always struggles with honestly...

so yeah really good stuff. very much like comic mysterio to a letter except with a bit of a backstory change (that still hits all the necessary beats) and he doesnt seem to have actual fear gas/chemicals/robot doubles (yet). only holograms, projectors, and drones.

love the meta joke that he’s wearing a vfx suit lmao. but maybe i would have liked to see him wear the mysterio suit more instead of only holograms/a few real scenes with him wearing it but it makes sense he can’t. irl it’s a really heavy and restrictive suit.

but he still wore a bubble on his head so mad respecc

PS: even tho hydro man and ESP molten man were fake like i thought they were, they looked cool af. esp when molten man kept growning it was p epic. thanks quentin.

ANYWAYS MYSTERIO IS 12/10 AND HE BETTER NOT BE ACTUALLY DEAD OR IM GONNA RIOT.

he really is alive, i think the post credit wasnt meant by the creators to be ambiguous at all. like that’s proof enough that he’s still out there, imo

it’s he’s really dead and everything from now on is just a projection of him then that’s just disappointing. ugh. we’ll see if gyllenhaal wants/gets casted for another marvel movie i guess. he seemed to like the role a lot so there’s that.

“people will believe anything” as he dies. even believe he’s dead? idk man i just feel like he’s exactly the character to fake his death this well. but it’s it’s just his crew pretending to be mysterio now? bah.

let beck live 2k19. it’s really up in the air, we’ll see.

edit: i suppose one of the funniest things was that Mysterio is Right.

tony left these glasses of Doom to a kid. the world listened to tony. he had issues. (i’ll defend tony but later ok. tony made enemies a lot)

and people were gonna listen to a “hormonal teenager”

he’s right to be pissed af!! valid!! not so valid in.. ya know killing people but yeah

he was mad that the glasses werent given to the defense force. like hell he made it sound like that would have been ok in his book. he wanted people with the credentials and experience to be given the respect the deserve in the end

when he’s thanking his crew he shows this to a letter. just like comic mysterio. comic mysterio was pissed he wasn’t getting the credit he deserved

gyllenbeck is mad af bc tony pissed all over his entire life. like DAMN. DAMN.

tony ruined everything for him no wonder he’s pissed. kinda funny tho that mysterio waited until tony was dead to take revenge. not surprising, iron man scared the piss outta people like vulture. lesser, more regular human villains. i mean who wouldn’t be? you’d literally have to be thanos to be not worried about stark and even THEN thanos knew about him. just saying

anyways that trippy mindfuck scene was my absolute fav bc that’s what mysterio is all about and it’s everything i wanted. perhaps i wouldve wanted more but lets not get greedy

also for once mysterio aint a thief. if anything he’s the victim of tony stealing/messing up his life’s work. mysterio aint robbing a bank yo

sure, he kinda tricked peter into giving him the glasses, and it may have partly been for the power trip? but also i think he deadass thought it was safer in his hands than a KID who literally almost killed his friends a few hours earlier with it on accident so he’s not wrong. again.

mysterio for how much of a feral, chaotic, terrifying, cunning, jerk that he was? he was the “hero” after all in the story. or at least the protagonist, kinda like infinity war thanos. he had a goal that would wake people up to the bullshit all around them and put power in the hands who made it possible in the first place. the people who know what they’re doing.

would beck have been a villain after he won? world domination? i dont think so. i think he would havent been great with it, but i dont doubt he had decent intentions SOMEWHERE in his heart.

but mainly revenge. let’s be honest. he was pissed af and rightly so.

ANYWAYS im rambling about a bubble head so.

^^I can’t believe gyllenbeck literally has this energy after peter figures out he’s a faker. literally has this chaotic, feral energy. dead ass calls him gullible and hits him with a TRAIN. like fuck dude mad respecc for being just a guy and fuckin with a superhero so bad. really amazing portrayal of beck.

just. let beck be still alive. it would be a waste. he’s such a tricky person, it’s almost too easy for him to fake that shit. but maybe they really did kill him. hng. we’ll see in the next spiderman movie or another marvel film.

ALSO ALSO:

good au ending where tony lived and mysterio was never fired but legit became a hero bc he totally could have done so

he's got raw talent and cunning. i mean tony was just a guy with a brain too so yeah

good ending au.

#mysterio #far from home #spoilers #spider-man: far from home #ffh #ffh spoilers #far from home spoilers #spiderman far from home spoilers #the beauty of mysterio's complex character was well translated into the movie is all #also the kindest mysterio so far is Ultimate Spider-Man Mysterio (the cartoon)#like he only gets 1 episode that he's barely in but like. he deadass is retired and just ends up being a nice dad to his kiddo.#he's literally a sweetie and just wants to live a calm life. the closing shot is him with parker and his daughter laughing together DAMN #my heartttt. he's just and older dad who is calmed down. babeyy

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irl-futaba-sakura · 6 years ago

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i just need to vent a little, i’ll prolly delete this in like 20 min cuz thats just how i am, a regret machine lmao :U

i’m at the point where i feel like i need to run away and become a new person, leaving everything behind, or i’ll just end up a dead body somewhere where nobody can find me

first thing is first, i’m venting here because i need the aspect of people potentially seeing, but i dont really want anyone to talk to me because i 100% will just shut down if that happens. if you wanna show support or whatever, a link on this post is enough, honestly. it shows me someone did read it, but i dont expect anything more, if even that at all. just wanted to clear that up. “positive talk” shit just makes me feel worse too so please dont send me anything thanks.

i dont mean that to be alarming tbh, its just that i felt that the last year was great for recovering and trying to be a normal ass human being, but i was only recovering from one thing (dumbass delusions and hallucinations that kept me from functioning like a normal person, often too much for me to even want to move from one spot in my room, etc but its for the most part passed save a few “leftovers” i guess i’ll call them, yeah i know im crazy fuck off) and not the many other things i needed to learn how to do to be a functional and useful adult in society

for fucks sake im 25 and i havnt had a stable job in years, and the only real job ive had was literally asking me to be faster than i could humanly go, spending breaks crying in the bathroom so i didnt break down in front of all the residents at the old folks home. doing art is... cool and all but its not stable and thats all my fault.

im afraid that no matter if i get hired anywhere ill just loose the job in a year or less. if not for the fact that im the most useless thing then it will be my health issues that my previous job (the fuckign NURSES EVEN) treated like normal pain even though i lay in bed or the bathroom floor crying and throwing up pain killers. i havnt been able to see a professional for a diagnosis or even a fuckign checkup since before i was in high school.

for the first time in a while iv ebeen wanting some way to punish myself for all the things i¿’ve done, or not done, or whatever. i havnt done anything yet anyway, though i have had time to consider some things that are pretty overall harmless but at least effective. i dunno.

because i feel like everything is my fault.

this life i was given, somehow its my fault. punishment for not finishing school and being a useless body barely considered for any kind of job. punishment for not being able to please the people i care the most about. punishment for trying to figure my shit out on my own. punishment for this and that and the other thing.

im living a burden’s life

at this exact moment i want nothing more than to just casually disappear and jujst suddenly be someone else, if anyone at all. let me start over in anohter ountry, another body, adnother sret of problems that are hopefully not a hinderance to me getting a job and being a decent and useful body in whatever society i end up in. i guess the body part is unrealistick outside of the slight possibility of reincarnation after death, but that assumes i would reincarnate into something sentient enough to have these problems to begin with. after all im not sure i deserve another human life after this one.

but i dont really want to give up the like three people i talk to, the like four maybe five hobbies or things that interest me, the general place i live in... its not half bad here, other than being cold as fuck. theres clean water, the worst natural problem is floods, snow or tornadoes, all which are more managable than not. hell theres even gonna be a round1 opening here soon.

im afraid of the ghosts in the house now

ghosts cant really hurt you right, but the thought of seeing one, encountering one, im too scared to do things like go to the basement and do my laundry, walk around the house when im home alone. at most i may go to the kitchen to make food, i would be safer in my bed or at my desk so i will stay there.

if i see one of their faces i wont stop thinking about it, i wont wanna even be left alone, so i cant go places i need sometimes. i dont know...

im afraid of living away from the people i have gotten used to seeing every day. i have not enough merits on my own to keep myself afloat, not till i can finish school and even then i lost my high schookl records and e¿wehnerbrt i have money to potentially go to school again i only have so much and little time here ant there and i will need more for the bus, i cant do this as easily i widh i col. its stupid i hate it i hate myself for being so fucking fifficult and i wish i wan literally anyone else who didnt have to have fucked up so badly in their past that im undesirable in jobs. i dont have antyhign worth giving.

i look like shit now, i was beign a bit okay but now stress made me ugly again. i dont want to bee seen outside or by anyone at all ever. can i live my whole life behind a screen? i wish. my dental issues are worse and worse and i cant fuckign afford it and it makesd me looks like a mess and nasty even tho i cake taker of mytselff i tri i really do i wish i oculd be beetttr, i dont talk to anyone bcu im too sacred of thesm now and i lost sll my fredins but i dnt want them back at all becasude im too scared to sau hey i meedds up im sorryu im not cry typing i cnat get mu brasin to process it too fast im sorru hten barely reassable sorry

i guess if dgonna be hard to reas im sonna stor then bye

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nikki6551 · 7 years ago

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#i'm so tired. i just had a small nightmare. i hate this. i hate not being able to talk to anyone about this shit. i feel so fucking alone.#i got like an hour of sleep and it easnt even like a good nap. i have this frequent dream where there is this dark shadow and it just chase #me and i keep running and running but eventually it catches me and grabs me. and its so big and it just pins me down and just starts hurtin #me. like its choking me and like breaking my bones and shit. and im screaming and screaming and like theres people just there watching me #get hurt. like ty is there. nathaniel too and like some other friends but like they just stand there watching me get hurt. its like they #just dont care. i always wake up crying or like close to tears. ive had nights where ill wake up but i just cant move. its like that shadow #is still holding me. like i try screaming and moving but its just pinning me down. i hate it. theres been times where i just wake up and i'#shaking and like i cant breathe...it was easier when i would sleepover at tys and i would wake up and he would like like hold me and i woul #go to bed feeling safer. like the shadow would still be there but ty was there too. he would protect me from it. honestly thats one of the #reasons i really liked sleeping over at tys. i just felt safer. i used to have nightmares where ty would yell at me and hurt me and i would #wake up crying and i would call ty and he would help me go back to bed. then like they stopped after a while. but then it was a new thing #that showed up. he would protect me sometimes and it was really nice. but like this time hes not coming over to help me. hes walking away #and just laughing. fuck i'm crying my eyes out. and i dont know what to do. i miss talking to him. i miss our late night calls. that would #be really helpfully right now. man this is hard. i think this is the first time im actuallh talking about this dream. ty never knew about #this nightmare. i never actually told him about it. when i first started having nightmares he knew about them and he was really worried.#i feel like he wouldve been worried if i had told him about this when we wete together. i kinda regret not telling him all this. i feel lik #he wouldve tried to help or atleast it wouldve stopped a lot of fights. man. i dont think im getting anymore sleep tonight.#i have work tomorrow at 10 and i gotta be up early to figure out this whole ride/walking thing. i hate how hard this shit is getting.#its still really hard to breathe. im shaking so much right now and idont know what to do. i almost called him...its 132am tho. he wouldve #yelled at me for waking him up or something. he probs has work tomorrow morning. i really dont want him hating me even more than he already #does. its funny a lot of my friends keeo telling me that i shouldnt try to be friends with him. but like...im stupid. i very much believe i #second chances. and even though hes had a lot more thsn just 2 i still think hes gonna change. god i'm stupid. it was really hard seeing hi #that night...it was late and it made me think of that night we got back together. it was like i was looking at the old tyler. it sucked. i #wish that tyler came back earlier...that ty would call me and be happy to see or talk to me...this tyler hates me and doesnt even respond t #my calls or texts. i'm so sad and scared right now. i hate it..i really do...#fuck #im done typing for now..#delete later #ignore the fact that its from my sin blog. i posted it there by accident

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jojosbabe · 5 years ago

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If your queer hcs are just so you can hook them up and pair them with another canon characters

Then you are fucking trash.

If you so it for self shipping purposes then its a bit more respectable to me.

But please if you really want representation start making queer characters as fucking characters without a fucking relationship,dating or fucking. Please. Give them realistic goals and depth.

Still

QUEER PEOPLE ARE NOT YOUR DRESS UP DOLLS TO SLAP ONTO A CHARACTER FOR YOUR WANK/FANGIRL PURPOSES. WE ARE FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS! WE DON'T NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY. AND WE DONT NEED TO DATE OUR FRIENDS TO PROVE TO YOU WE ARE QUEER,WE DONT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME GENDER ONLY TO BE VALID,BISEXUALS EXIST DEBBIE. AND NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE QUEER ALSO. STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO EXIST NOT EVERYONE IS ATTRACTED TO YOU FYI. SO FUCK OFF.

Think about this shit. Please. Im not coming down on people who want queer characters. I want them bad too. But im not gonna hop on a fuck train just because i want more queer characters. People out here are just as bad as some of these straight dudes fetishizing queer women. Its sad they dont see it. Queer hcs are cool so as long as they come from a genuine place. But i dont trust people and most people are so desperate for a irl relationship they project their crap onto fiction. Sorry if this hits hard but it needs to be said. You dont need a relationship to feel whole. Your good as you are,you are already whole. Focus on yourself first. If you happen to find someone then good. But dont rely on trying to get a bf/gf/significant other to try to "make your life whole" . Because you'll be going down some bad roads.

Im saying this because i see too many fangirls make the same mistakes,most are young and dont know any better. Because nobody tells them this shit. So please. Hun. Queer people aint your playthings. And think about what i say here today.

Im all for queer hcs,so as long as its genuinely wanting to explore an idea. AND IS TAKEN AS SUCH,AN IDEA,A WHAT IF. NOT SEEN AS FUCKING CANON. CUZ IT AINT. AND DONT GO AND PRESSURE THE CREATORS FOR THIS CRAP NEITHER. IF THEY WANT A QUEER CHARACTER THEN THEY WILL. IT IS NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE. PERIOD!

The reason why im making this post if so people can actually sit back and think about shit before they make headcanons,stories and fanfics. Because it's getting to a point where everyone is too chicken shit to say anything.

Im not afraid to speak my mind. And try to understand why are some people this way. And maybe try to give advice. And i apologize if i come off harsh or sound angry,im not really. But i feel its discussions like this that may make fandoms a more safer place and and more open place. Thats why people are scared to like or get into stuff is because people sometimes make it feel unwelcome. But also people dont set boundaries either. And thats a huge problem. Some artists are afraid that if they dont draw outside their comfort zone they will get attacked for it and i have genuinely seen this crap. And its ridiculous. Artists,authors,and content creators dont need to do anything for you if they dont want. And content creators,dont give into people just because they are pissy they didnt get their way. Thats how spoiled brats are made. No offense. But its childish behavior like this in fandoms that is why fangirls/fanboys get a bad rep.

There is so much more i wanna say but this post is too long as is. I hope people can have genuine discussions about the problems in fandoms more openly and without judgment or hate or ridicule. (I doubt it because humans are defensive af)

Anyways i hope people understand i want genuineness and genuine honest writing and queer representation without having to rely on shipping.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

#personal post do not interact #personal post do not reblog #personal post #admin vent #admin notice #admin talks #admin #admin post

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magical-agatha · 5 years ago

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ive seen a lot of other ppl saying something similar but im not sure its appropriate in this context to make a comparison between trans women and men based on our genitalia.

its too close to the logic of transphobes who force us to tuck in the first place for my comfort. the reason many trans women are forced to tuck or feel safer tucking (even when it hurts), is because cissociety firmly believes that genitalia = gender, penis = boy, vagina = girl, aka gender essentialism or the myth of biological sex. obviously, thats not true, genitalia has no bearing on gender as gender is a purely social construct.

because of cissociety's undying belief in gender essentialism, many cis ppl feel like trans people are disgusting and deserve to die, and some of those cis ppl decide they have the right to kill us bc we're trans. something that happens disproportionately to trans women. all because of the belief that whats in our pants means something about us and cis ppl think they deserve to know whats down there and do something evil about it.

so while i understand your logic and i dont think you think trans women are men or anything like that, in the context of this post thats a dangerous comparison to make, and i also think it misses the point i was trying to make.

i think a better comparison would be that if cis women dont have to force their genitals up into their body and risk their health in order to pass as women, neither should trans women. this isnt an issue about genitalia, this is about a specific class of women and the oppression they face. this is about mysogyny, specifically transmisogyny.

the point if this post is that trans women shouldnt have to tuck to be seen as women. the point is that we shouldnt be scared for our lives because we're not cis. the point is that our genitals shouldnt matter and no one should be looking at our crotches without permission.

and its also that we shouldnt be sexualised for our default state of being! ever since this post got popular i keep getting followed by violent perverts who want to dehumanise trans women and reduce us to a fetish. tucking is a complicated and difficult thing to do, just like shaving constantly or vocal training or wearing makeup. i dont want to do any of that stuff. i shouldnt have to. its expensive and painful and its my body. anyones genitals should be no ones business but their own, and no one should care whats in my pants but my girlfriend and my doctor.

i should be able to leave the house without being scared im not passing bc i cant tuck and dont want to. i should be able to go to the beach in whatever i want without being scared some bastard is gonna attack me or scream at me or drag me somewhere and kill me or worse. all because society teaches him im a freak and deserve to die and that he has the right to exterminate me. the point of this post is that trans women deserve to live in peace and safety and shouldnt be expected to tuck or feel safer tucking or risk violence for not tucking.

please reblog this version of the post! this addition is rly important. thank u for spreading it as much as you all have i never expected it to get this much traction! all the ppl saying supportive things restored my faith in humanity a little bit, thank u!

trans girls not tucking needs to be seen as a completely normal and nonsexual thing. chasers go die.

trans women’s genitals are not so repulsive that they need to be totally hidden through our clothes at the expense of our health and safety and for the sake of your comfort.

if cis men don’t have to tuck then neither do trans women.

#trans #transgender #trans women #transgender women #tucking #sorry its not concise lol... its hard to explain this stuff simply #pls rebloooooooooooogggggg #hashtag blogging with aggy

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pjmesmoon · 7 years ago

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I don’t wanna miss a thing

Note: Before you read this, I just wanna share that I was inspired by the song I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing, by Aerosmith (the exact same title for this, yey go creativity). It’s a beautiful song and I think it will make the reading even more emotional (well I’m hoping this is good enough to be at least a little bit emotional hahaha). Ok, here we go.

So to start, Jimin was in love.

He hasn’t been a light sleeper for a long time now, not since he began sleeping beside Jungkook every night feeling safer than ever, falling asleep while playing with Junkook’s hair, or with his hands, or caressing his lips with the tip of his fingers. When Jungkook wasn’t there, Jimin would always wake up to the feeling of being alone in a bed too big just for him.

And that was why he was awake now. He sat on their bed, still feeling sleepy while he looked around their room, trying to find Junkook. But he wasn’t there. That was the third time that week Jimin would wake up without his husband, and by now he knew exactly where he would be. So he got up, slowly rubbing his eyes and walking on instinct more than at looking where he was going, and stopped at the door hold of their house’s new bedroom.

Their newborn’s bedroom.

And there was Jungkook, leaning towards the crib, lightly patting their daughter’s cheek, and singing in his sweet, calm tone.

― “I don’t wanna close my eyes, I don’t wanna fall asleep, cause I would miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thing...”

Seriously, Jimin could explode from happiness at that very moment. His family was beautiful. He always knew Jungkook would be an excellent, whipped father, but right now it looked like his husband was over the moon, looking and smiling at their child like she was his whole universe. And honestly, Jimin regretted ever thinking that he didn’t want Jungkook looking like that at anyone but him. Because, this? This was more than he could ever hope for.

― “Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream would never do, I still miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thing...”

Jungkook continued to sing while Jimin entered the room and wrapped his arms around his husband and looked down at their daughter sleeping. It was the most calming moment in his life.Jungkook immediately put a hand above Jimin’s in his waist, while the other was still there, fingertips still caressing her cheek like he was scared of waking her up.

Jungkook sang until the end. At some point, Jimin direct his attention to him, watching Jungkook sing and seeing how happy he was to be there, losing sleep just to watch their daughter instead. Jimin laughed quietly, not wanting to interrupt his beautiful singing.

This man. This incredible, amazing, sweet man who’s still acted like an overgrown kid sometimes and who Jimin was completely in love with. And their kid. Their lovely kid who they would kill for, who the only thing she cared for was sleep and look at things with too much intensity for a newborn. Who was the most pretty little thing, and they couldn’t wait to show her the world, and to care for her, to spoil, and to be there for her.

At some point in his line of thought, Jimin realized that Jungkook started singing the same song once again.

― Jungkookie ― He said in a light, but teasing tone, trying not to laugh ― You need to sleep, baby. If you keep doing this every night, at one point you will faint in the middle of the day, while she’s awake. When she actually needs you. Just come to bed, yeah?

― Hyung ― Jungkook whispered back in an exasperated tone ― I can’t take my eyes off of her. Believe me, I’ve tried. And I don’t want to try that anymore. Why do you think I keep singing this song? It’s exactly how I fell.

― I know Jungkookie, I know. ― Jimin said while patting Jungkook’s head, so much love in just that little move. Jimin didn’t want to miss anything either. Every day that they spend with their child felt like a whole new adventure, and they didn’t want to let go of at any time. ― I have an idea, why don’t we take her to our bed, hm?

Jungkook looked at him then, smiling with his big, bright bunny smile and with a look of hope in his eyes.

― Yeah, Hyung? ― Jimin laughed quietly.

― Yeah, Jungkookie.

Jimin leaned down in the crib, careful not to wake their daughter, and took her in his arms. Nothing had ever fit in his arms like her, only Jungkook. He looked at his husband, and he was looking right at Jimin now, with a whole new type of love in his eyes. The type of love that comes when you share something so precious as taking care and loving a new life.

And they thought they loved each other before.

Jungkook took a step closer to them, giving Jimin a forehead kiss and doing the same to his daughter, and then headed towards their bedroom, Jimin following him closely. He climbed on his side of the bed and pushed down their blanket, and Jimin, after placing their child in the middle, also climbed in.

And there they were, the three of them in pure bliss... Okay, maybe their daughter was to preoccupied in the land of sleep, and still too young to understand the happiness she was giving to her parents for only breathing, but Jimin wouldn’t have it any other way, of course. Jungkook looked like he was thinking the same, the bright bunny smile still there while he looked at his kid and his husband. Jimin smiled in return.

He looked like a kid who just received the best Christmas present ever. And it wasn’t even Christmas.

To be honest, Jimin knew taking her to their bed wouldn’t really help. He wasn’t going to risk sleeping with her between them, and he was sure Jungkook wasn’t either. But like that, they could relax even more, knowing that she was more safe with them.

― Jimin-hyung?

― Yes, Jungkookie?

― Will you be mad at me if I said I’m in love with someone else? ― He asked while he looked at their daughter, once again looking at her like she was his entire world. Jimin laughed, this time a little bit louder, and the baby between them stirred a bit, and Jimin’s laugh turned into a shushing sound until he was sure she wasn’t going to wake up.

― No, Kookie, I won’t ― he whispered ― I think I’m kind of in love with someone else too, you know?

He looked at Jungkook, who looked back at him with his wrinkled nose from smiling too big. Jimin could only smile back.

Yes, he was in love with his family.

Final Note: THE ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS THAT JIKOOK MAKES ME FELL MAN! IS THIS HOW I ACTUALLY FELL ABOUT STARTING A FAMILY? OR IT’S JUST JIKOOK MESSING WITH ME?! aNYWAY, hope you liked it. Let me know if you did? Pretty please? Yey. I’m gonna reread this later to see if i find any mistakes. But I really wanted to post this as fast as i could, im kinda proud of it and wanted to share ha

#it's been 84 years since i wrote something and actually fineshed it #finish*#FINISHED* ARGH #beware: i don't know the felling of being in love or having a kid #if i wrote something wrong please let me konw #KNOW*#go me #jikook #jeongguk #jeon jungkook #jimin #park jimin #bts #jungkook #srlsy tho go listen to the song its gold #kookmin

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 5 years ago

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The NHRA already knows

I won't pay for any of the care of upkeep of them getting off cocaine, meth, THC, alcohol, etc

I didnt get them on any substance to abuse so I'm not going to pay financially for them to get off.

NHRA knew they were on and allowed it So they will pay the bill to get them clean, that's how that goes.

I will support and give directions and they're fully compliant and they are the ones that said to implement the drug testing. It was emailed to them before i posted it.

So I support them in supporting the sport being clean.

So yes ill admit they were my directions i gave 7 years ago for all my businesses. And i or my team made special modifications for ones such as the NHRA. For when drug issues become public or privately it is discussed they became clean.

Queen Elizabeth II says she told them at least 17 times in the last 4 years. Which is why i have the rule to go public and "shame" and endanger the business. But shes too warm hearted. And she wouldn't. She told them to calm down. Slow down and stop. Modify their judgements.

And obviously -.- they wanted an American Queen how rude.

Someone says "a lot quit cold turkey but obviously they started again. Queen Elizabeth II scared the life out of them. And got the heebie jeebies. But this time it will stick cause we know how to now"

Alex laughs "they did they all got scared shitless. I didn't i just kept doing it. But now i will stop because im an ass hole and now i know why. Its because cocaine"

Replacement works best. Saying its gross can but as adults no... Its harder unless you magic it into the brain. I asked tree to magic a little in The brain and i would try it and see if it was gross. It was only gross if he tinkled magic for the babies for it to be gross. If it was for me then no, I'd drink it all. But if i said make it gross for me for the babies then it mattered to me and it would be gross and I'd drink 1/3. Before it became where i could talk myself out of it. And make myself believe it was gross.

But replacement. "No I can't have beer but I can have fake rum decaf coffee" its like I get something better and sweeter and safer and good.

So it's a natural feel good and an actual decision making.

Tell yourself no but treat yourself.

Alex calls it a distraction. Distract yourself for it.

But if yoh treat yourself harsh... Punish yourself. Then it's easier... For me. Thats why i don't like anyone else monitoring me.

So I don't take away my replacements. I increase them.

But I can't go buy clothes or eat Chinese for a week. If i don't do something like smoke or so on. So then after a week... If i really wanted to crave and I didn't push it away and let it linger. I let the craving sit on me. I decided I didn't deserve it. So i would have to wait 3 more days. Then those 3 days would be good So i wait the rest of the week and so i waited 2 weeks. So i know I really deserved something nice for myself.

That is why people don't get in my face.

I make sure im good and respectful and self disciplined.

So increasing the replacements it squealches the cravings. But me i saw the replacements as a crutch or a weakness. And i didn't want now. But my soulmate explained "sometimes you need one, say your leg was broken. Wouldn't you need a crutch? Or you would cause yourself pain" so he would ask me to do it because he said i was too mean to myself. He didn't like it. He didn't see the point to replace then stop the replacement.

If you stop the replacement then you need to use a replacement for that. Because i was trying to Quit smoking and I was eating pudding. So he made sense.

Cause pudding isn't that bad. And i would drink water with it.

But real coconut is better.

So Alex has always chewed gum. So i told him in 2008 to change his flavor. Because that way it would wire his brain to understand that a change was happening in his life and so he needed to tell his body that his soul had decided to make drastic changes. So he used Dentyne and so i told him get Wrigley and get juicy fruit and big red and i liked spearmint so he got that and So he chewed all these different flavors he wasn't used to. Sometimes mixing all 3.

We didn't know if it made a diffierence but his cravings did go down that week without him trying anything different. 4.29 to 3.83 ounces.

Although tree tells our dumb minds it did. Otherwise it would went down only .12 instead of .41

So If you don't chew gum, start. Then change the flavors weekly and it will help immensely and you won't gain wait and drink water and stay hydrated says the Magic Tree of Knowledge.

*NHRA did send Alex to rehab and he got kicked out. Hes been kicked out of 26 rehab facilities including the one i went to. And went to 29. 1 worked because it was with me. 2 others Because he was gonna get fired.

It made me really sad because he kept going back. But she did a vote and one person felt it was not a good to have access to someone that has access to drugs in rehab

I said it was reality. How could we trust them at home if they were only staying clean for random piss tests and to please Some lady that they would no longer see in a few months? If they couldn't handle it in rehab then they couldn't handle it ever.

So she allowed Alex to stay in rehab. It was out patient. But guess who Alex got high? Then guess who told on Alex? And guess how Alex got kicked out again?

I said "well you have to kick them both out if you're gonna kick out one" she did.

And Alex kept going. But he did start passing his drug tests. So she was happy.

Plus that guy was scary.

All of my tests were clean but trace. And i smoked pot with my brother cousin but i said we were locked in a car and maybe I didn't smoke But got second hand high. And so she nodded me by. I did smoke and i didn't lie.

If you smoke in a car and someone else does too and your test hits positive just say I was with so and so in the car and they were smoking and its not a lie and no one argues. BUT it has to be like very little. Not like a 7 day binge of heavy use. I had smoked 3 bowls in 2 weeks and had one bowl i shared 4 days before.

But mine was marijuana and we had 3 dirty tests we could have

Alex had 19 for cocaine and 17 of those included PCP and 1 for just marijuana.

It was fall/winter of the year 2000.

It was a 12 week rehab. 3x a week.

He had 24 clean tests.

Because he said the rehab lady was pissing him off and he wanted to get clean but would I smoke weed with him. I told him 1 time Because I was smoking it any way and i was only smoking it cause she was gonna kick him out so i was doing it to destroy her mind and faith in her skill to help people. (Which i confessed and told her because she let Alex stay) because all my tests had been clean.

But she thrawted me and didn't have me test that whole week!!!÷!

Of course she would wait till i smoked with Alex for the first time to test me.

***she would test him If he went to the bathroom alone... Because he would shoot up in the bathroom. She wanted to know how he looked so flush but his test hadn't changed so he said "i go pee like you asked and then use the bathroom for what I went for" so she started waiting 20 minutes then sending him back and he would repeat. One time he had to go to the hospital. Cause he went 4 times. He was dead and they pronounced him and when they wheeled him past me i touched his shoulder and left my hand there so when it reached his hand he grabbed mine. So then i had to go with him. Because overdosed so much he actually stopped my heart. Because I take tell excess he does. But obviously were fine and alive.

**although I didn't die until he came back to life. He missed 2 meetings i missed 4.

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