#but im not going back im done im fucking done just leave me the fuck alone
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I wish I never met you
TYRANTS || STORY MASTERLIST
PAIRING: rafe cameron x fem!reader
WARNINGS: MDNI 18+ Content, swearing, sexual content, drug and alcohol use, violence
WORD COUNT: 2.5k
Mixing liquor and pot
Heard your brain cells can rot
If my memory was shot
I would like that a lot
I wish I could forget you
May
It was all a blur. The whole day. Zipping up my gown, putting the bobby-pins in my hair to situate the cap on my head.
I wish I could say graduation was the best day of my life, but I barely remember any of it. My name rumbled through the field, my legs moving without a thought. I moved my lips up on my face for the picture, shook hands with faculty that I had never seen or spoken to in my entire life.
The dinner with my parents was bland. They went on and on about college, asking me questions about what I decided to study. I don’t even remember the answer I gave.
I didn’t come to reality until the third time my phone rang while I laid on the edge of my bed, head hanging off the edge with my eye closed, a random record playing on my turntable was at the end and a soft humming noise filled the room.
I decided to finally check who it was, and to no surprise it was Sabrina.
“Hi” I mumbled into the phone, flipping over onto my stomach, one hand barely holding up the phone while the other dangled towards the ground.
”You done with family shit yet?”
”yes.” I answered simply, closing my eyes.
“Well I know you’re out feeling the best but, I really think you should come with me tonight.”
I groaned into my sheets.
“Sab” I whispered, my voice shaking.
“You can’t let this take over your life, y/n. We only graduate high school once.”
her positivity sickened me. I knew she was right. I didnt want her to be.
“Sab its the same shit we’ve been doing all year, what is different about tonight?”
“Well there’s no risk of expulsion”
”hah” it was her turn to groan in response.
“Y/N, im spending the whole summer abroad and I leave next week. I seriously need you to do this for me.”
”you cant pull that shit on me Sabrina its not fair.”
”but its true, y/n. You’re my best friends and I need you. You were a fucking zombie today. Snap out of it.”
there was a period of silence. I sat up in my bed and turned the lamp on.
“Well, what should I wear?” I can tell she tried to hide it, but I could hear her squeal on the other line.
“Cute top and a skirt.”
”I can make that work”
”fuck YA THERE SHE IS” she cheers into the phone. “I’ll pick you up in 15.”
We arrived to see the beach was already filled up, party in full swing. Sabrina gave me a reassuring look before we walked towards them.
”Let’s get some drinks. You deserve one” she says to me. I nod my head, following her lead.
We make our way over to the nearest keg, taking one of the many cups the boys were passing out.
“Grab me two” I whisper in her ear. She smiles wide and winks.
”That’s what im talking about.”
I chugged the first cup,passing it back to the kid who was pouring them out, he filled it back up and we walked with our cups to the dance floor.
“You gonna double fist all night?” Sabrina asks over the music.
”that’s the plan” I mumble back. The speakers are booming a new Metro Boomin song, and we make our way to the group of girls that are dancing.
I lose track of time, and snap back into reality when I notice Sabrina furiously texting on her phone.
“What’s up?” I ask. She hesitantly looks up, and locks her phone, sliding it back into her purse.
“Nothing, just, Toppers here. But, he’s with … his friends. So im just gonna stay here for a bit.” She awkwardly looks away, makes eye contact, then looks away.
“Sab, its okay, I would be an idiot to think he wouldn’t be here, especially with your boyfriend. Go say hi.” I give her shoulder a nudge and she shakes her head.
“No, im here with you.”
”im serious Sab.”
”just one more song. Who knows how long he’ll keep me on his arm if I go now.”
”you know I can fend for myself.” Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift starts playing on the speakers and Sabrina jumps up and down.
”I know, but I LOVE this song”
She starts leading us to the middle of the circle, and we sing to each other, as if we were the only two people on the beach. By the time the song is over, were doubled over laughing,our drinks spilt all over the sand.
“Im gonna go get another drink, you go say hi to topper okay?” She frowns and reaches for my hand.
”Fine, but I’ll be right back okay?” I roll my eyes.
”I told you I’ll be fine. Just go okay?” She smiles and skips away. I watch her walk over to the other side of the crowd, where a group of guys are standing, including Topper, Kelce, and, well of course, Rafe.
I notice everyone’s in conversation, expect for him. He’s just sipping from his cup, staring out into the sea.
I catch myself staring for too long, and realize i'm still in the middle of the dance circle, with two empty cups. I look around for the nearest keg and walk slowly over.
I made empty conversation with the girls standing around the keg while waiting in line, checking my phone every so often. The DJ continues to play songs I like, including pursuit of happiness, collard greens, Roll in Peace and more.
I find myself tipsy, dancing by myself in the sea of people. By the time I finally looked at my phone again, it had been an hour and I had a text from Sabrina.
were fuckin in my car really quick lol I’ll be right back.
that was from 5 minutes ago, so I probably wouldn’t see her for at least another half an hour.
I was tired of dancing, so I started walking towards the edge of the party, closer to the water.
The temperature outside was perfect. There was a slight breeze, not enough for me to put my hair up, but enough to get a whiff of the sea.
I pulled my phone out to take a picture of the water and the moon, before I heard a shout.
“Fucking BITCH”
I could recognize that voice anywhere. I whip my head to the right and see Rafe and another figure a few yards away.
everything in my mind told me not to go. But my heart was controlling my feet. I walked closer, and realized the other person was Noah.
“You ruined fucking EVERYTHING” Rafe growled.
“I didnt do shit expect tell her the truth man. She’s a dirty fucking shut,all you did was make sure I knew.”
I tensed up, and made eye contact with Noah. He smirked and looked back at rafe.
“Perfect timing, y/n, we were just talking about you!” Noah exclaimed, splashing the liquid in his cup in the air.
Rae whips his head back and stares deep into my eyes.
“Y/n,” he whispers. My body is still tense.
“Wh-whats going on” I ask
”your boyfriend - sorry I mean .. your confusing complicated situation ship over here is harassing me.”
rafe keeps his eyes on me. I cant read his expression, he looks empty.
“Maybe, if you just stayed in your place on the cut, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” Noah shouts at me.
I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.
I decide its just best if I leave. I start to walk away and hear Noah chuckling.
“This is all YOUR fault” Rafe yells, lunging at Noah. Noah swings back in defense, and I stop in my tracks.
“STOP” a scream escapes my lips and I run over. Rafe is knocked to the ground scrambling to get back on his feet.Noah kicks him back down, and I hear a sharp click, and notice something in Noah’s hand. The smile on his face is terrifying, and as I get closer I realize its a switchblade.
“My god Noah put that thing away.” I whisper.
“If rafe wants to fight, we can fucking fight.”
He points the blade down at rafe who is still struggling to stand.
“Noah, seriously,” I walk towards him and his eyes flicker towards me, down at rafe and back at me. He points the blade up at me, and I start to shake.
“You’re insane” I whisper, taking a step back.
While he’s distracted, Rafe takes the opportunity to pull Noah’s leg, knocking him to the ground. The blade falls from his grip into the sand, and I lunge to get it. He reaches after it too, our bodies colliding. Rafe pulls him away from me while I grab the knife, and he pins Noah down, punching him straight in the face.
“That’s ENOUGH” I shout at the two of them. They both freeze and look up at me. The knife is dangling from my hand pointed down.
“Noah get the fuck out of here. And don’t EVER pull this shit again. You’re just embarrassing yourself.” He scrambles to his feet, patting the sand off his pants.
“Give me my knife back y/n” he commands. I shake my head.
”I’ll give it to you when you’re sober.”
he looks over at rafe. Something in his face must’ve scared him, because he makes a beeline back to the party.
I walk slowly towards rafe and pass him the knife. He safely closes it and stuffs it in his pocket.
“What’s wrong with you?”
He huffs, brushing sand off himself. He turns to look at the water, and his shoulders slump.
”I wish I knew” he whispered. After a brief moment of silence he turns to me, with sadness in his eyes this time.
“Look, y/n, im really-“
”I don’t want to fucking hear it okay? How many times are you going to put me through this. Like seriously?”
His jaw twitched and he looked down, running a hand over his hair.
“It hurts. It hurts so fucking much to see you hurt” he finally says.
“Then why do you keep hurting me?”
the sound of the waves and music behind us fills the silence.
“I don’t mean to. I just keep fucking up.”
I sigh, unsure of what to say. He takes a step towards me, I flinch slightly, which he notices, and makes him sigh.
“Sometimes I cant tell” I start to say. He looks up at me and takes another step forward.
“Sometimes I cant tell if you like me or hate me” I whisper the last part.
“Neither” his voice cracks slightly, and he looks up at the moon.
“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, y/n. And I don’t, I don’t just like you, okay? I don’t just like you I fucking-“ he stops himself, his voice getting hoarse. “I fucking love you okay? And its driving me insane.”
I furrow my eyebrows and let out an involuntary laugh.
”the fuck are you talking about Cameron?”
he looks back at me, his face hard and serious.
“I mean, im fucking obsessed with you. I can never get you up of my head, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. You’re always just THERE. All the fucking songs you’ve showed me, all my favorite shows and movies. God even my favorite color. Its just you, and its always been you. It’s fucking terrifying, did you know that?”
”I-I-“ I stammer. He takes a step closer.
“I think about you when is wake up, when I eat breakfast, when I work out, when I do homework, when im smoking, when im drinking, when im high out of my fucking mind, when im sober, when im driving around town. All I see is you. You’re fucking everywhere and I cant get you out of my head.”
”it sounds like you don’t want me there.”
”that’s the problem is I DO. I want you there, I want you with me. And I finally fucking had you, and I just-“ his voice breaks again and he closes his eyes.
“Just don’t know how to keep you.”
”rafe” I whisper, walking towards him to close the distance. “Rafe, why didnt you tell me?”
”god y/n, you don’t even know how hard it is. Im dealing with all this shit in my head, and I wanted to save you from it but you made your way deeper into my life than ever before, and I couldn’t hide you from how fucked up I am. I tied you into this mess, and it’s not good for you.”
”why did you tell Noah that lie about me and JJ?”
”I told him because he was bragging to everyone about taking you out. I was pissed that someone else was going to take you. I was jealous. I didnt think it was going to hurt you the way it did.”
”why didnt you just tell me before he even asked me out. We were seeing each other-“ he cuts me off
”because y/n, its easier for me to do shit like that than it is to express my feelings okay? I cant do this love shit easy alright? It doesn’t come naturally like it does some people. It’s fucking terrifying”
his breathing is ragged, and he starts to clutch his chest.
“It gives me these chest pains like I cant fucking breathe.”
he huffs out, trying to catch his breath. I notice his face is flustered.
”cmon, lets sit” I grabs his hand and pull him down onto the sand,
“its okay just breathe” his pants slow down, and I wrap my arm around his shoulders.
“It’s okay” I whisper again. He leans his head on my chest, and I hear a sob escape his mouth.
“Im so fucking sorry. Im so fucking sorry” he repeats this over and over a few times before going quiet.
”I know you are.” I finally say.
We sit in silence for about 5 minutes before its interrupted.
”Y/N! There you are-“ Sabrina cuts herself off when she sees us, Topper trailing behind her.
“I knew it” I heard him whisper to her.
”well, did you guys kiss and make up” topper slurs. She shoves his chest, letting out a giggle and a hiccup.
“You guys have been boning for hours now”i shoot back at them. Topper lets out a nervous laugh and Sabrina hides her face.
“Well, are you guys going to come join us or?” She asks. Rafe sits up and looks at me
“Can we start over?”
I smile at him, stand up and reach out my hand.
“Rafe?” I whisper, he takes my hand and stands up, his figure looming over me.
“Yes, pretty girl?”
”i Love you too.”
Previous Chapter | Instagram AU
Tags: @ltristessedureratoujours @davinashifts333 @tomholland792
#rafe cameron#rafe outer banks#rafe x you#obx x you#rafe cameron x kook!reader#rafe fanfiction#obx x y/n#rafe fanfic#outer banks#rafe cameron x you
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Please come back to Deviantart and upload all your art!!!!!!!!!
deviantart can suck my whole entire dick and can keep sucking it until they decide to get rid of their AI bullshit
anyway reminder that y'all should join sheezyart
my username there is cozy
#deviantart#ask#doodles#ms paint#dat me#art#lukeisawesome20#looks like i managed to catch the registration window again for sheezyart dhbjsdfbh psychic powers strike again#im done with deviantart. its been nothing but bad decisions ever since wix took over#and then i saw the official staff page promoting AI grifters who were selling generated adopts and making tens of#thousands of dollars a year from them. y'all should be promoting REAL artists. and then i knew i had to leave.#frankly im not even sure i'd go back even When they get rid of the ai bullshit. and i say When because they're being successfully sued rn#its been bad over there i just can't do it anymore. its not worth my time and it shouldn't be worth yours either#any of yours#fuck deviantart
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[sits up suddenly from my coffin] anybody fuck with my super danganronpa 2 x guy who didnt like musicals au
#i dont post my art for several months and then i return. back into danganronpa once again. and actively combining it with my other interests#for fun and whimsy.#sdr2#nagito komaeda#super danganronpa 2#danganronpa 2#hajime hinata#chiaki nanami#robin draws#anyways other than returning to danganronpa ive just been drawing ocs so i havent had much to share#yes thats ibuki vaguely in the bg she gets to be chiakis boss#sonia gets to be zoey so that she gets to control a helicopter and point a gun at hajime and chiaki#obv things have to be shifted around and changed for them to make sense in their roles but i think hajime as paul is the most#untouched one bc thats just early game hajime where he's freaking out about the fuckass island and how weird everything is#fuyuhiko gets to effectively be the role of bill with peko as alice but obv theyre not a father/daughter dynamic for this au#its altered. to fit Them. and their whole deal they got going on.#maybe fuyuhiko had tried to tell peko to leave and go live her own life but she came back for him and then. Oopsies. join the hive#gundham as professor hidgens would be so fucking funny. you must understand. instead of an alexa he's talking to his devas.#nagito tbh would work as professor hidgens but i made him fill mr. davidsons role for the sole fact of his song being the effective#“i want” song and that just felt too right to pass up#kazuichi fills the role of ted and he's mad that hajime didnt bring sonia#mikan filling charlottes role. junko is sam. i dont think i have to explain further. obv junko isnt a cop thats altered to fit her.#also no ted charlotte affair for this kaz has his eyes set on sonia and only sonia still and mikan has her beloved :)#also i just wanted mikan to have “join us (and die)” bc ogoghgoghgho thats one of my fav songs#greenpeace girl gets to be mahiru cause the personality just feels right.#imposter is Everywhere. i wanted to stick them in a designated role so bad but tbh they're just always there in a diff disguise#anyway im done tag rambling i've been brewing this in my brain for like a week.#feel free to let me know if i was cooking or not and offer ur own ideas and thoughts
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my mom: the dog has a grooming appointment at 4.
me, who has a class at 4:30 and has to rely on my mom for transportation: oh, okay, you can head over and drop her off and then drive back here and take me over to the university, and then head back there in time for her appointment to end.
my mom: but they said the appointment would take only ten minutes
me: ....they say that every time. and every time it's been 30 minutes at least. every time. you cannot rely on what the estimated time will be. listen to me. listen to me. drive back here immediately after you drop her off, I'll be ready to go. do not sit and wait in the dog groomer's parking lot.
anyways. one guess as to what the fuck she did and who was late for class.
#i was 17 MINUTES late to class. i had to catch up on the BRAND NEW CONCEPT that was introduced in those minutes#i was ready to go at 4:05. i sat there by the door until she drove back in at *4:37*#and now IM being called unreasonable for being angry about it???#i got home to find she put up a note saying ''im not responsible for getting you to class on time''#and ''im not responsible for getting you there if you aren't ready''#YOU ARE. YOU ARE MY ONE SOURCE OF TRANSPORTATION.#THE BUSES DO NOT COME BY AT THE RIGHT TIMES UNLESS I WANTED TO LEAVE TWO HOURS EARLY.#IT WOULD TAKE ME 50 MINUTES TO WALK THERE AND IT'S -21 RIGHT NOW.#THIS WAS LITERALLY THE SIMPLEST THING.#I TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO. YOU COULD'VE DONE IT.#BUT NOW IT'S M Y FAULT?????#I WAS READY. I WAS FUCKING READY TO GO. NOT ONCE HAVE I NOT BEEN READY TO GO.#I HAVE ARRIVED EARLY TO ALL OF MY CLASSES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING SCHOOL YEAR#IF YOU'D HAD AN APPOINTMENT MUCH CLOSER TO MY CLASS TIME I WOULD'VE UNDERSTOOD. I WOULD'VE GONE EARLIER.#BUT THIS?? YOU COULD'VE TAKEN ME TO UNI INSTEAD OF SITTING IN A FUCKING PARKING LOT FOR 30 FUCKING MINUTES#AND THEN ACTING LIKE IM CRAZY FOR BEING PANICKED AND UPSET WHEN YOU DRIVE INTO THE DRIVEWAY 7 MINUTES AFTER MY CLASS STARTED#edit; ''why didn't you just go before 4'' because my mom said i didn't need to.#i forgot to add this in the post but#i did suggest that i leave at like 3:30 or something and sit at the uni even though i didn't want to.#my mom said i didn't have to do that and i'd get there when i get there.#leading to. this.
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.
#i am fine ftr im just. exhausted haha#NOT to overshare about my personal life too much but my dog is dying. my horse is being given back to his og owner this summer / fall.#my dads kicking me out in two years (in favor of his girlfriend and her kids bc he would rather live w them!!!)#his alcoholism is driving me crazy bc hes treating me like absolute shit and berating me constantly#and stealing from me 🙃#ive lost my healthcare benefits + now have to either raw dog therapy out of pocket or loose my therapist#a therapist that took me a year of being on a waiting list to get in w btw#and idk i just genuinely feel like a loser rn like. im a 23 year old unemployed fat virgin who plays video games all day like. 🧍#where is this going for me. what is the point of it all. in two years im going to be fucking homeless on top of all that#unless some miracle happens bc as is i am too disabled to work.#im just reaching a point where i deeply dont care anymore. whatever happens happens im done fighting it#and ik its the abandonment issues talking here but knowing my dad is planning on abandoning me. 👍#thats two for two on parents leaving me. my entire family has at this point so like truly i cant trust any relationship#like if my PARENTS find me that unbearable. and my best friend who knew me my entire life thought so. then truly every relationship#i ever have is on a fucking timer like. idk if any besties r reading this im sorry i promise this is in no way a dig at yall#bc you guys do really make me feel loved and secure in a way no one else has but. id be lying if i said i wasnt still scared#anyways enough oversharing#i really am fine and safe rn btw like. at minimum u guys r stuck w me until arc*ne season 2 comes out 😂#my post
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"We should call out Egypt & Jordan for not accepting Palestinian Refugees"
Baby girl you can't even call out genocide that's happening live on your screens in full color. Sit down.
#if the Palestinians leave then its 1948 all over again and they will never be able to come back#we learned the first time that if we leave then we have no rights to return#we dont want to leave#we want them to stop killing us#its not that hard to understand but sure blame others blame everyone except the ones killing us let me know how that works out for you#tw: genocide#palestine#current events#sometimes I actually feel insane bc you do know thats what they want right? thats exactly what they want#they want us to leave#they want to make it hell for us to ever set foot on our land#did you know that if you are Palestinian and anytime you travel even with legal documents in or out of the country#they can stop and harass you?#did you know anytime I travel I have to account for at least 4 hours of interrogation at an airport? and I have legal documents#I account 4 hours bc thats the longest time they've held me in a windowless room#anyways im so done with people who do not understand the history every fucking year its the same thing: just go somewhere else#we dont want to go somewhere else
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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apparently my ex situationship i have blocked tried to call me again last night like babe its been months let fucking go Please
#ive been lowkey missing them recently so like#it makes it fucking difficult#but im not going back im done im fucking done just leave me the fuck alone#i wish it all ended on a better note but im not risking my mental health for a slim chance at closure#what a fucking day
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i wanna kill the diaz parents with hammers
#all they have done is been shitty parents#its so fucked up that they got what they wanted#that they were just waiting for an opportunity to take chris from eddie#and thats exactly what they did#they didnt talk it out with him they just showed up and said youre being a bad father let chris leave with us#and thats all of eddies biggest fears coming true#being a bad father. scaring chris. losing his son.#and the diaz parents just showed up and made all of those things a reality and they fucking skipped away with chris#fuck you#fuck you fuck you fuck you#even if them taking chris temporarily was for chris's well being. them not maintaining communication between eddie and chris was sooo fucked#thats his son#why is eddie finding out information about his son weeks later from someone who isnt his parent#thats so crazy#i hate this storyline#they moved eddies character backwards. hes like at a precanon state rn and thats so fucked#the only good thing that can come out of this is eddie yelling at his parents (pls for the love of god)#i know thats unlikely cuz 911 loves redeeming shitty parents but still a girl can dream#i hope eddie is like no you know what fuck you im not upending my entire life because you stole my kid#and he goes to el paso yells at his parents and takes chris back to la#this is soooooooo fucked#the thought of eddie deciding that his life doesnt matter. its not that important. it can just be thrown away and left in the past.#that makes me sooooooo sick. hes literally going back to the place he escaped to witness the very thing he was trying to avoid#what the fuckkk#tim when i fucking get you#im still pissed at this storyline if you coudnt tell#eddies risky business dance cant distract me from the horrors forever#me thinks
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hour and a half unpaid overtime I think that's a new record for me. on a day where I was supposed to have no overtime no less. funny how I only have 3 of those this month and the 2 so far I've had to work overtime anyway 👍
#i shouldve left at 4:15. killing myself at work in front of everyone#well im actually not that mad ive been listening to yhe national on loop for the last 6 hours of my shift nothing can touch me#but the disrespect....#my boss came n found me at 4pm and was like hey can u do another round of this assay (<- takes an hour and a half)#and i said no!!!! bc she already gave me too much shit to do i was busy ALL DAY and still ran over like how tf do u expect me to fit MORE#she gave me 1.5 hours to do 14 samples in this one assay where each one takes 15 mins plus 5 mins prep per sample beforehand#so like 20 mins per sample THATS 4 HOURS AND 40 MINUTES and thats assuming no repeats and no troubleshooting!!!#3x the time u scheduled for me... come tf on. i need to make a table of how to calculate how long an assay takes so she stops doing this#rly not that hard just ask me how long i need for it and ill explain it to u#and then i finished up n emailed results n went to go switch lights off in the other lab and shed left samples out for me to book in. GIRL#PLEASE EMAIL ME OR TEAMS ME DONT JUST LEAVE THEM THERE.. u know im working in the main lab ALL DAY#so im not gonna fucking see them!!!! and they need to be refrigerated!!!! next time ill just leave them out overnight and when shes like#why are these samples ruined jts expensive to get more ill be like well u didnt tell me to book them in so.#anyway she moved the other assay to friday n she was annoyed i didnt fit it in earlier but WHERE. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO FIT IT IN!!#also i have 2 separate multi hour assays booked friday already so good luck im out of the door at 4:15 if its not done its not done idc#ughhhh. if the bus is late too im going back to my work and blowing the building up#WHAT. EVER!!!!!!!#.diaries
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#cw// ed#didnt check my weight today but it doesnt change much so its probably about the same. anyway#i keep thinking about how im at my lowest weight in 1615241616 years#and how every time ive admitted ive been at a higher weight than this#and how things seem stable day to day but over the past few months have def slowly and steadily deteriorated as far as intake + variety#and how realistically i cannot keep doing this and expect nothing to happen#but at the same time lalalalalala i cant see it i cant hear it everything is fine!! i am fine!!#going to treatment again wont fucking fix me lmao#itll just give my ed temporary validation and make me gain weight that ill lose as soon as i leave#bc I don't actually want to change#theres no point in going back bc it hasnt done anything for me thats stuck#and im not dying so whatever#if it comes to it ill do a hospital stay or whatever but it wont bc im not that good at having an ed. so.#or maybe im fucking delusional who knows!!! rip
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body let me sleep pls
#logbook#went to rb a flower pic but then i actually read the descrip without my glasses even and uh. no lol#'the amazing expeditioners of an early century who totally discovered this flower before anyone else and also all on their own' wtf#just say its named after them not that they're amazing. going to go back to sleep a fucking plant post on tumblr.com making me mad#woke up bc ive been having literal hate dreams abt work and being angry and stressed abt work.#i legit have not stopped thinking abt work even when i clocked out. im soo. . .this week was so upsetting. truly.#im probably going to get up and go back to sleep later. take a nap midday#i really dont want to leave the house at all but i probably will have to go out and do some errands. yesterday i spent my whole day at rents#which. fuck me man now i have one day to get stuff done. its fine cause i did some stuff but still. im exhausted and havent had a day to me.#guess if i do stuff today then i just allow myself to rest after work this week. or i can run an errand or two the next few days.#whatever. hello im alive just mad abt it lol
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mmmmrrrrggghhhhhhh slow day
#catfish speaks#i did not get nearly half the things i wanted to accomplish done#part of it is cos i need more fabric for the bottom half of this coat#and that's not a hard find but it does mean i have to wait until nexy week when i get paid to buy it#and so i couldn't do rhe bottom but tbh the top half has SO much to it#and then i just. took forever to get anything done#also got groceries today which probably didn't help#but fuck i did not accomplish very much#and im scared im going to be crunching#i haven't even gotten halfway on the owlbear#and in my head i can whiz through all the steps and figure it out easily but oh boy#actually doing it is. different#i am just. very tired#god i want to get these cosplays done so badly#and ideally not have to crunch too hard#hrghhhh we will see#have a cup of tea and rest#then get back to what i can do today#and hey i have a lot of sick leave. i could. take a day off to jusy try and catch up#we'll see.#the good thing is thay i do currently have the leave to go to pax and will be able to get more from here on#so im good there#it's organised its just a bit tight#and of course im very tired this week and have a million things on so naturally i agree to go to a party on friday#im excited but aurhjisjajai man i love cramming my schedule don't i#reminds me i need to finish that present
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