#but im just so tired i want to sleep forever
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go be happier choco
#dark choco cookie#cookie run kingdom#contemplating on kms but i know it wouldnt make my familys life easier because the funeral payment#but im just so tired i want to sleep forever#Yk I wanted to draw this happy choco for my last art but we still alive!
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i’m so tired….i want someone to lay next to me so i can cling onto them like a koala
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#cant stop thinking about this lately#like let me hold onto you so tightly with all my limbs#sorry you are Not allowed to escape#like i wanna cuddle but like in a ‘i want you stuck with me forever’ kinda way#in a you try to get up for one second and i hold you tighter and make sad eyes at you#sorry im tired and feeling clingy for once😴#just come closer everything is fine *with the intention of trapping you with my full strength for as long as possible*#romance to me tbh#im gay and i like sleeping
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yall Im so fucking tired. This month has been exhausting. I promise Im alive, just barely functional atm.
#personal#rant below#begining of the month docs said dad had less than a month. Hes still around but declining#been taking care of him and my mom#along with working full time#and my boyfriend doing his damndest to keep me busy when Im not helping with dad#which is great except Im so tired#but also I havent been able to sleep much#and I've lost my appetite which apparently is a grief thing I didn't know about#So I've managed to get all the physical grief symptoms and it is taking a fucking toll#so your girl is sleeping in tomorrow and spending the day doing my own little crafts and avoiding people as much as I can#a girl just wants some sleep and a fulfilling snack but all she is being given are slight naps and unappealing food. send help.#anyways after this experience Ive decided that I no longer give any fucks because you only live once so Im just gonna do what I want foreve#and actually live life instead of being constrained by societal standards#after all this is over of course. gotta take care of dad first#also I got to paint the door because he was sick of staring at the porch. so its a lake view now#woooo#yeah so thats my life update for you all#also I saw a girl for the first time in 9 years today who completely changed the tradgetory of my life and didn't know it. so that was fun.#exhausing but fun#also idgaf about spelling right now I am running on caffeine and pure will power atm
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my mom wants to go all sorts of places tomorrow but i am still so weak n i have no idea how im going to wash my hair w my arm like this i can barely move it
#i faint every time i clean it#i am so tired#i just want 2 sleep forever#im not even hungry i just feel nauseous n exhausted
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It is some consolation that one day this will not make me bristle
#i am aware that im v tired and sleep deprived and about to be on my period so take everything i say with a grain of salt#also i hate being awake at 1am and i have a bajillion things i need to do that i havent started yet#and im planning 2 birthday things tomorrow#and i have 5 birthday dorm cards to write for tomorrow which is going to take foreber#forever#and hours of class to slog through#and i just want to curl up in a ball and weep!!!!#dont dangle the confounded treat in front of my eyes and then stomp it into crumbs while i watch!#dont make me think im loved and then Do This!#i am so tired! even though i know theres so much to be thankful for!#i am planning two birthday parties because i love you guys#but when MY birthday rolls around i am locking myself in my room i am leaving this place i am not going to tell anyone#i am Not going to sit around like a little girl with such sickeningly high hopes#and watch them be crushed AGAIN!#I will go OUT and not come back to the dorm until evening because i cannot STAND to be disappointed again#just like every other time! THIS MAKES ME SICK#my heart is so tired :) esp after the boy thing
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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Wow this sucks
#I’m literally gonna cry wtf#I’ve been trying to get back into writing so I was going through some old journals and reading the poems I wrote back in 2015#and I left my favorite pages sitting on top of my notebook on my bed and my family’s dog came in while I wasn’t looking and destroyed it all#like they’re completely gone#some of the few pieces of writing from my teenage years that I’m actually proud of and wanted to revisit and it’s completely destroyed#I’ve found 2 scraps and they’ve got about 4 words in total#this was multiple pages full of writing#this is so discouraging I don’t even want to write anything now#like I started taking an online poetry workshop last week trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and maybe possibly move in the#direction of trying to get some of my poems put out there#and I’ve been in a huge writing slump for the last like year#and I was hoping this might get me out of it but now I don’t have any motivation to do it#I just wanna cry#I can’t go back to being a teenager again I can’t rewrite the way I felt back then#and now it’s really gone forever#I’m so sick and im working 3 jobs and I just want to be creative again but I’m tired#and I’m about to get hit by this giant hurricane#I’m really overwhelmed I think this was just the straw that broke the camels back#brb gonna go cry myself to sleep over lost poetry#sorry this is me venting feel free to ignore this#vent post#will probably delete after I’ve gotten more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
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#brown eyes are literally so beautiful i’m#look i wouldn’t say i have a type in people physical appearance wise but if theres one superficial feature#i’ve always been a sucker for#like since forever#and especially in recent times#😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫 brown eyes bro#not like my shade of brown i got the regular asian soulless black eyes (fine and all but not what i’m talking bout)#and ion mean amber (ok geralt of rivia)#just this specific shade that looks dark in low light but turns honey golden brown in sunlight yk#hazel brown??#auughhhhhhhhhh#i feel weak i wanna throw up and die#‘ass or tits?’ idk but fs i simp for brown eyes#i actually feel weak fr tho#im really hungry i’m craving some oreos and a glass of cold milk#but i feel too lazy to bike all the way to 7-11#too hungry to study#too weak to buy oreos#not allowed to sleep or god will strike me down for my sloth#i shall perish#[data redacted] called me to discuss midterms but i didn’t pick up cuz i told him we’d be on discord tmr#tonight i wanted to study alone#feel a little bad but whatever i don’t gotta keep making every exception for u#go talk to someone else bout computer architecture tonight#i’m tired#u can look at all girls u want bitch but u can’t get any of em. keep looking#i pull more girls than you#went bowling after today’s midterm. not so bad for my first time although#those things are heavy as fuck#i have a headache
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#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral#i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants#PANTS.#theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it#i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom#who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah#im so fucking tired man#i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah#at a funeral no less#i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh#just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired#sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much#im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief#and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam#im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard#and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know#i just need someone to hold me before i combust#again sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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Second day of running off of coffee and spite only
#this week of camp is always the busiest. i have something that goes late into the night every night#im exhausted and want to spend time with friends and other people#especially because this is my last year. but its fine!#theyre good and important things that i love im just tired#tonight im telling the pegend of our camp's beginnings#i used to tell it and then passed it on to someone#but since this is my last year he asked if i want to do it one last time#and i really fucking do. so ive been practicing and im excited but its also bittersweet and kinda difficult#idk. the woman that passed it on to me was super important to me but is now no longer in my life#so im feeling some weird things about that#also tomorrow is Christmas in July (a secret santa we do with staff) and im so fucking excited#x in j is my favorite holiday ever in the world#and i have a good friend of mine. i just hope the person that has me actually cares#its my last year at camp and i just really want a nice x in j as my last#im so tired i resorted to the black coffee in the dining hall. i drank it so fast#i wiuld love to go to sleep but after i tell the legend tonight i have to work on x inj#and i love to procrastinate so i cant work on it until my gf comes back to camp with the materials that i need#(im just gonna vent now. even though thats all ive been doing)#its my last year and im so burnt out but i love it here so its hard#and everyone keeps trying to convince me to come back next year. its hard. its not easy. im tired and want to go home#but i also want to be here and i want to be enjoying myself here and i wish i ciuld come back forever#but also coming back forever sounds like hell#im just tired and wanted to yap idk goodbye
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#vent#it feels awful#not knowing what the fuck to do#i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast#i wanna be good at everything#i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics#and i never feel satisfied#and no ones forcing me to do any of this#i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me#i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines#i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything#for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills#but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore#everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course#content that its killing me. i want my free time back#and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but#even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards#so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry#but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired#and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit#and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit#it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour#and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry#i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really#i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child#but i kinda feel cheated#i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it#how pathetic is that#had to get this out there its just too much for me#arc 3am logs
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and under that night sky in the mountains,
with the stars circling around me with the occasional shooting stars passing by,
while i flew back and forth on our badly made swing on the edge of the cliff,
and staring into the third quarter of the moon that was edging towards completion,
i swore off the religion, the way of life, that was assigned to me, that i never consented to, that constrained me, that gave me nothing but fear and worry and dread, and never let me grow...
it might not be a fancy occasion for anyone, and most might say i damned myself, but nobody needs to know,
its an important milestone for ME.
i can breathe now, and at least the God i know says that if you dont accept any way of life at least live the current one you have to the fullest. because what creator would hate their own child for anything...
i can breathe now, i can HEAL now.
im still scared, ill still cry, ill still question my decisions...
but with the right people helping me, like the moon, i too am striving to become whole again,
and for the first time, im no longer scared if im going to hell, if it means im going to enjoy living again
and for that
for the first time in forever, i smiled for no reason that night
as the wind blew accross my face and combed through my hair as i was swinging back and forth...
i was happy again... ♡
#snow rambles#just needed to share this milestone for myself#i never thought id live to be 24#ill be 24 in a few weeks#im scared#but i want to be free#im so tired#i just want to sleep forever#but if im going to hell at least im living a good life#i love my found family#and the people who accept me#im not gonna trade my lifetime with them for an eternity in heaven
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Nothing to me is more miserable than waking up from a dream and the only things I remember from it is the sensation of being deeply loved, and getting ripped away from the sensation by waking up and coming back to reality.
#I dream less of being romantically loved#because prozac is keeping me from being overly depressed#but every so often it sneaks in#my misery feels like its just standing outside my bedroom door.#waiting for me to sleep or forget#and then come at me reminding me of who I am#how I have this deep seated urge to love someone and be taken care of#and devote my entire self to them in return for taking my burdens away#i know that doesnt sound super healthy but im so tired#im tired.#i just want to focus on loving one person forever and making them happy and devoting my entire life to that#and not worry about anything else.#yknow like how pets do
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the world is so strange
#sorry i havent drawn in forever i really havent felt like it#idk school ended and im just. really tired#all i want to do is sleep and watch tv and chill out yknow#idk i have a feeling thats a bad thing bc ive also been at a base level of nervous every day thats kinda uncomfortable#but its not that bad honestly. i feel normal most of the time#i do feel a little guilty for nor drawing or having any inspiration but its only been like a week since i left school so...#ill get around to it lol#i just wish i had stuff to do
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my funkin’ b-day. have a half-assed drawing of me after rushing papers again
#art dump#im so tired#i just want to sleep forever#ill spoil myself nensai today because thats the gift ever no caption no elaboration
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