#and no ones forcing me to do any of this
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un77404 · 1 year ago
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#vent#it feels awful#not knowing what the fuck to do#i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast#i wanna be good at everything#i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics#and i never feel satisfied#and no ones forcing me to do any of this#i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me#i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines#i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything#for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills#but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore#everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course#content that its killing me. i want my free time back#and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but#even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards#so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry#but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired#and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit#and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit#it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour#and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry#i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really#i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child#but i kinda feel cheated#i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it#how pathetic is that#had to get this out there its just too much for me#arc 3am logs
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ciderjacks · 7 months ago
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despite Laios low self esteem making him think that if he’d been eaten, Chilchuck and Marcille wouldn’t have helped Falin,
theres a small part of me that thinks the reason Chilchuck stayed with the party and went back in the dungeon in the first place was because he didn’t want to leave Laios alone. That Laios was moreso the reason he stayed.
#dungeon meshi#chilaios#OK SORRY. THE DEMONS. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO LIKE THIS PAIRING. I DIDNT. BUT. HHH. FHFHJFJV. I FEEL CRAZY. LET ME EXPLAIN.#Pre canon it seems Laios is the person Chilchuck is really the closest to#He gets along with Namari and they are probably way better as buddies than he and Laios but#He and Laios seem *closer*#If that makes sense#Laios calls him his first name enough and without any issue or hesitation from Chilchuck#That I sort of inagine its not like. A misunderstanding. Laios is on a first name basis with him for a reason.#He also worries probably more than anyone about Laios#And his biggest criticism of him is that hes “reckless”#he’s comfortable around Laios in a very specific way and so is Laios around him#and in the series he shows many times that he’ll risk his life to protect Laios#Like staying with him to confront the elves because he was worried Laios would say something stupid#Hes the first one to run up to him when Falin punches him#I mean I think he was also going back for Falin like its not like I think he doesn’t care about her or anything#He clearly does#But I don’t know if he’d have gone back if Laios hadn’t#And if Laios had been eaten I think he wouldn’t have even had to be convinced by Falin#I also think Marcille would’ve gone back for him but probably more bc Falin was going back#Like sort of a reversed thing#AGAIN not that I don’t think she cared about Laios at the beginning either#But she before the story she was mostly Falin’s friend who knew Laios through Falin#She only really got to know him when Falin got eaten and they had to do a team building exercise#Though now I sort of want to see an actually reversed scenario#Bc we also know that Chilchuck is sort of uncomfortable around Falin (said in relationship chart)#So I would love to see them be forced into a team building exercise to find a person they both love the way Laios and Marcille were
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xxplastic-cubexx · 3 months ago
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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befuddled-calico-whump · 9 months ago
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thinking about a whumpee on a forced march through rough terrain
hands tied in front of them, on foot while their captors are mounted, sleeping out in the open, forced to beg for adequate food and water
maybe they're barefoot, a captured royal in silken robes
maybe they're in a torn suit or soldier's uniform
maybe they were stripped at the start, increasing the exposure to the elements, the humiliation
are they a terrified mess from the beginning, or do they try to endure with dignity? how long before they're stumbling, barely putting one foot in front of the other? how long before they fall?
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inkskinned · 2 years ago
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you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.
you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.
he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.
a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.
he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.
you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.
people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.
wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.
also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.
he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."
you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.
"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."
he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.
you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.
is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?
you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.
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a-scary-lack-of-common-sense · 2 months ago
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I think you might have been a father to me, once.
You used to be more than just another man who hurt me in my life.
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Reference pic!
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lucabyte · 1 year ago
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Comfortable in New Skin
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thekittyokat · 9 months ago
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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favroitecrime · 1 year ago
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Palestinian freedom fighters breaking out of Gaza and reclaiming their occupied territories. They’ve taken over israeli tanks and have chased out the settlers that were on that land. They’ve launched rockets everywhere and the iron dome has failed to intercept. This is about to mark a momentous event in history.
From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.
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kraftykelpie · 4 months ago
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Had an idea a while ago, and thought Obi-Wan fit the bill, His woefully wonderful sleep time (on shore leave as well!) was ruined by some type of antics, likely Ahsoka or Anakin shaped
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casualavocados · 28 days ago
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How's that possible? Since when did you start eating spicy food? I told you I'd do it for real next time. ...Don't touch me, or—I'll kill you!
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 12
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#uservid#userspicy#userrain#userspring#pdribs#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#chen yi is really sitting there the whole time with only one thought in his mind and it is: i am gonna kiss this man. and then he does!!#okay but heres where i gotta get analytical about it bc ppl will say blah blah theyre so good at miscommunication and im sorry but NO#THEY ARE THE OPPOSITE. when ai di runs away at the end of ep10 after chen yi says he's figured it out and next time he'll do it for real-#chen yi does not seek ai di out Once after that nor does he try to force him into any admissions. HONESTLY HE DOESNT SINCE THE EP10 BAR#he LETS AI DI COME TO HIM EVERY. TIME. he lies a little to keep ai di from running but he doesnt ever actually force ai di to return to him#any time AFTER he CONFIRMS ai di has real feelings for him-which he does during the bar scene. there was no miscommunication there#it was only listening and observing. and chen yi doesnt push farther than offering gifts or that little lie because he wants ai di -#All of ai di. the truest parts of ai di.... he wants the REAL AI DI the one he knows and loves - to come to him of his own volition#in Whatever Form That May Be. because he loves him!! & in this case the form is in torture and accusations bc chen yi's lie has been caught#but chen yi is nothing less than DELIGHTED. bc AI DI STILL CAME. its further proof of ai di's feelings for him and chen yi loves it#& now it's chen yi's turn to show ai di all the ways in which he loves and belongs to him. its time to play his hand after waiting so long
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scriblesandbits · 1 day ago
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So god created us in his image, right? And that’s cool and all but what if it turns out god, like, hates his own image??? What then????
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cent-scratchnsniff · 14 days ago
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green apple flavor
#library of ruina#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobcorp spoilers#couldnt help it. the box. the meltdownerr (going though severe mental agony manifesting in a form bursting forth from metal)#i have ao mant sketches... i havent finished.... lor angela floor of lit drawinfs.... but my motivation is ASS and most of what ive made#recently also feels like shit. mind empty doodles w netz to try and get myself out of the gutter#.... murky. gutter wky dont ask me w#trying to find time... ahhhh the time. the TIME .#anyways. netz :)#actually i forgot to tag him#Netzach#netzach lor#netzach lobotomy corporation#netzach lobcorp#covers it i think. yippee wahoo aghhbvabnamkpeiu#right giovanni too o guess. hey king. itty bitty tiny one. littlr guy.#the goodbye tender one was just because i was listening to it and dongdang kills the cover per normal#i really love fragment of the universe. one of my favorite abnos. i got it on day 6 ish in lobcorp. its not hostile or meaning to cause harm#it wishes to communicate and to be heard to to share knowledge and thoughts. yet it is also persistsnt and insistent to communicate the#whole of it. wanting the other to know and learn the entirety of it. to be heard and understood in full. the ways of doing so is forceful#and causes harm. which then causes a dynamic of it wishing to have full knowledge and understanding while the other party rightfully shuts#it out and refuses to listen. in the ego and in lor mentioning ignoring it and not paying it any mind. even though it trys to go out of its#way to communicate itself as friendly and around ideas of joy such as a childs scribble of hearts. plus with the sounds of something akin to#a whale iirc. then tying together with the line of singing and song. i love u fragment of the universe
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weaselle · 22 days ago
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There have been several things in my everyday life that i have just, "decided to not let bother me". And that seemed to work really well for me. Like, well if i can't seem to change that then i guess i'll just accept the fact that i'm a person whose life is like that, and be at peace with it.
years later i'm finding out that while i thought i was not letting it bother me, what i was actually doing was ignoring that it was bothering me the whole time. And, wow, are those two things different.
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softpine · 6 months ago
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can you please, please relate? i’m not holding up
[transcript]
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zooophagous · 1 month ago
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I cannot stand the discussion over 'Christmas stealing from pagans' every God damn year. I'm not Christian anymore but I celebrate the holiday with my family because they are and I love them and I find feast days with lots of singing fun.
Some moron is insisting that "well actually you're celebrating Yuuuule"
No idiot I'm inside a fucking Christian church singing songs about baby Jesus with my dad and addressing gifts from Saint Nicholas I am not celebrating fucking Yule. I know what I'm doing. If Jesus is mad at me for coming to his birthday party when I don't plan to hand my soul to him he can come down and stop me his fucking self I am watching The Grinch.
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