#i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines

[arc-archernar]

.

[angelfrombeneth]

MESSY - M . RIDDLE

Mature and Possibly Triggering Content Ahead

Mattheo Riddle x F!Reader

Summary: You and your bestfriend of 13 years have a bit of a spat, that turns into her being a shit friend. So you also return the favour.

Warnings: SMUT, Implied Cheating, Slight mention of violence, Your bestfriend is a shitty friend, You do something shitty, Dom!Mattheo, Sub!Reader, Not been proofread - expect slightly grammar errors.

A/N: Thought I'd switch it up with Theo and do a Mattheo short. This is just a random draft. It's not one of my best works but I wanted to put something out cuz it had been a while. I've been super busy w my studies so I haven't had time to finish my other fics or any asks. So please accept this for now 🫶

"Hey Erica!" You smiled as you skipped up to your friend. Erica had been your best friend for 13 years. Your mother's were best friends before your mum passed, you grew up together and stuck by eachother no matter what. Even when you both got sorted into two different houses; she got Slytherin and you got Hufflepuff. Despite all odds, you both at in 6th year still going strong.

Erica turned to look at you, her eyebrow quirked. "What?"

You stood before her, confused with her attitude. "I thought we could go hangout in the pavilion together?"

She turned to her group of Slytherin friends and snickered slightly, bidding them goodbye before looking at you. "Sure, Where's Cedric?" You looked at her weirdly while you both walked towards the pavilion.

"I'm not sure, why'd you ask?"

"No reason, just suprised your both always at eachothers hip, it's weird he's not"

"Your right.. I should ask him-"

"No!" She cut you off. "Its ok, ill ask him for you, maybe he won't tell you the real reason"

"Thanks Erica" You smiled. The pair of you sat in the pavilion and gossiped about many different things.

You spotted Pansy across the pavilion waving you over to her and her friends. "Hey, I'm going to see Pansy, ill see you later?" You stand.

"Her? You're friends with her" Erica scoffed, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Whats wrong with Pansy?"

"Everything, she's just a fucking whore. All those guys she's friends with she probably sleeps with them all she's a wh-"

"Erica stop it. I don't know what your deal is... Pansy is nice to me ok? Just drop it" You looked at her weirdly from her behaviour.

"Your right, I'm sorry. I'll go speak to Cedric now for you" She smiled before rushing off.

You shrugged it off and walked over to Pansy smiling.

"Y/N!" She cheered as you sat down next to her. "We were just talking about how cute you and Cedric are, 3 months now right?" Pansy smiled at you.

"Yeah, it's going great, im really happy actually"

"Thats so good, Although we always thought you'd end up with a Slytherin boy" Astoria snickered.

"Really? Who, I don't even really talk to many of the guys" You quirked.

"Probably Theo, he's the gentleman out of them all, the best choice other than my Blaise" Daphne smiled.

You smiled at her, Her and Blaise had been together since 2nd year. They were like the powerhouse couple of Hogwarts, perfect in every way.

"Pans, did you and Erica have an argument she seems to have a strong.. hatred for you" You looked to the girl beside you.

Pansy looked up at Daphne and Astoria and laughed slightly before taking your hand. "I never did anything to her, she's just jealous I'm friends with the guys. She keeps implying I'm 'fucking them all' but I'm literally gay" Pansy snickered.

"Thats literally what I thought, I thought everyone knew?"

"Everyone does, Erica is just fucking stupid" Tori scoffed, crossing her legs over eachother.

"Tori-" Daphne glared to her.

"Besides its because her and Mattheo have this thing or whatever, and me and him are close" She shrugged.

"Mattheo? As in Mattheo Riddle?" You raised your eyebrow.

"Yeah- Why?" They all looked at you weirdly.

"Isn't his dad like.. You-know-who?" You whispered.

They all laughed at you softly. Pansy patting you on the back.

"You're so sweet and innocent" Astoria cooed.

A loud bell chimed around the whole castle you all stood up.

"Fuck, I have potions" Astoria groaned.

"You'll live" Daphne laughed at her.

"See you around Y/N!" She smiled to you as you all parted ways.

You sighed as you walked into the castle.

Over the next few weeks you hung out more with Pansy, Daphne and Astoria. Everytime you'd hang out with Erica she'd ice you out or something. You also notice Cedric just get more and more bored with your presence which just didn't make you feel any better. You had wondered what Erica and Mattheo were considering she never once mentioned him to you. At all.

You sighed, as you stared down at your tea leaves, poking at them with your wand.

You felt a gush of wind beside you as someone sat in the always vacant seat.

"I know this seat isn't taken, so I will be sitting here" You heard. You looked up to see Mattheo, smiling down at you.

"I take notice when my favourite girls start hanging out with another person, which means you must be a goodie" He smiled at you. "Y/N, right?"

You nodded smiling. "I didn't realise you all were so close"

"We are like a second family, since our actual ones are pretty shitty" He snickered.

Over the following weeks you had grown close to all the Slytherins, hanging our with them all. Occasionally Cedric would come over but he wasn't that interested which just irked you. He had apologised for his lack of presence that made you feel a bit better.

You and Mattheo had become quite close, to him he was quite fond of you. Found you very cute. Erica didn't like your friendship with Mattheo all of a sudden and this was the brunt of most of your arguments. You always apologised then backed away from the group for a day or so, but it was just like a forever cycle.

You had discovered, Mattheo and Erica were dating but you were confused as to why she hadn't told you but you didn't want to take it to heart, there must've been a reason.

After class, you walked down the halls, students rushing quickly to make it to their next class, as you walked down towards the Hufflepuff entrance you noticed all the Slytherin boys all hanging in the kitchen.

"Feeding time at the zoo again?" You snickered. The boys all turned staring at you like deers caught in headlights. This wasn't the first time you'd come across them in the kitchen. You had grown close with the Slytherin boys recently, but you had grown to know them more for you sort exchanges everytime you see them feasting away.

"Fuck- Y/N you scared us. I thought you were a fucking teacher" Blaise sighed.

"Why are you guys always here on my free" You quirked your brow.

"We just wanna see you so bad!" Enzo whined as you chuckled.

"Where you off to in a rush anyway" Draco licked his finger from the pie covering it.

"M' meeting Cedric in the common room. I'll see you guys later" You smiled to them before walking a bit away from the kitchen and entering the Hufflepuff commonroom.

If you could go back to 2 minutes ago when you were laughing at the boys stuffing their face with pie. You would.

As you rounded the corner towards the opening of the commonroom to froze, hearing giggles and.. moaning? What freak would fuck in the common room, you scoffed. What you didn't expect was who. You decided to just ignore the sounds and quickly pass up to Cedrics dorm when you caught a glimpse of an oh so familiar green gem clawclip thrown across the floor.

"Erica?" You raised your eyebrow as you stared at the couch.

You watched as Erica sat up, disheaved hair and messy makeup before the other person sat up to. That person being... Cedric.

"Cedric- Erica what the fuck??" You shouted at them both.

"Y/N- He threw himself at me, I swear. We were just talming and-" She gasped, standing up and changing herself.

"What No??- It's not what it looks like- She"

"SHUT UP!" you screamed. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to your stupid excuses. You didn't slip and fall into her Cedric be fucking for real" You scoffed at him, storming up to him and slapping him across the face. Your voice cracked as you yelled and turned on your heels and ran from the common room.

"Y/N WAIT!-" Cedric yelled.

As you rounded the last bend the last thing you heard- "Wellthat was easy, see you later Cedric" Erica cackled.

You thought she was your friend, best friend forever. She was a fucking liar. A disgusting whorey liar. You sobbed as you ran from the commonroom towards the stairs. You ran past the kitchen, the slytherin boys noticing you running. You didn't stop, you had to go to Pansy. You knew she had a free and she was in her dorm. So you ran there.

Third POV:

"Was that Y/N?" Enzo poked his head out of the kitchen confused by your rushed nature.

"She was crying- I hope she's OK.." Theo hit his lip slightly nervous for you.

"She's fine, probably stubbed her toe or something" Draco snickered.

Mattheo and the boys decided to ignore the fact Y/N ran past crying and it probably wasn't any of your issues. That was until he noticed two people sneak past the kitchen.

"Who was that?" Enzo questioned.

"No clue" Mattheo shrugged.

Your POV:

The next few days you spend sobbing and skipping classes. Astoria, Pansy and Daphne took turns looking after you as you wailed in their arms. Not only had your friend relationship fucked up. He cheated on you and with your 'best friend'.

When you told the girls they were pissed. You practically had to talk Astoria out of certain violent consequences. They stayed with you and comforted you for ages. The first few days were crucial.

You had recieved owls from Erica, explanation in her own fucked up words how the situation wasn't at all what she thought it was and how it was just a huge misunderstanding. You couldn't help but scoff at her bullshit.

Three weeks had passed since everything you left Pansys after a few days and stayed boarded up in your room for an additional 2 weeks. No one came in and no one came out. The girls were concerned for you but understood you needed time.

News travelled that you and Cedric broke up but nothing about Erica being a home wrecker. When you finally left your pit after nearly 4 weeks you had seen significant changes. You were quite pale due to lack of sun and nutrients - you didn't look sick you just looked tired. People noticed and just felt.. bad for you. What really set you over the edge is in these 4 weeks not only had Erica homewrecked your relationship- she had clung to the people you had become to get comfortable with.

This was the second time Erica had done this to you. In 3rd Year you had started dated Adrian Pucey when she swooped in and was making out with him. She had told you he threw himself at her and she was so sorry she didn't mean to hurt you and you fucking believed her. Now this was just proof she was a bitch and she expected you to just forgive her which is what you'd do, but you had to come up with a plan.

You walked down towards the Slytherin common room, and up towards Erica's dorm. Erica only had one other dormmate but she was in the hospital wing currently due to a mishap in potions.

You knocked on the door and the door swung open to reveal Erica. A sickening smile spread across her lips as she let you in.

"Oh Y/N- I'm so glad your here. I need to explain everything to you" She wore a fake pout as she hugged you before pulling away.

She was rushing around her room fixing her hair and doing her makeup as she spoke to you. You sat on her bed.

"I was talking to Cedric, about what I said when he threatened me. He was saying about how he'd hurt you and how he'd do horrible things to you if I didn't sleep with him Y/N"

Really. Does she really think you'd believe this. You had to try your best not to laugh.

"Erica that is so horrible- I know you didn't mean to- You'd never do anything to hurt me" You smiled.

"Exactly!" She turned to look at you smiling. "He was a terrible boyfriend Y/N you can do so much better- Look stay here. I'll be back, I have to go see Mattheo in the hospital wing but I'll be back soon. Then we can have a girlie night" She smiled again. That fame smile was irking you.

"Of course" You smiled as she rushed out of the door leaving you. How stupid was she to think you'd believe her bullshit lies. You peered around the room, groaning. Why did she get to keep a boyfriend after all of this.

Speak of the devil, the door swung open to reveal Mattheo, leaning against the door frame as he quizzically looked at you.

"Y/N? Where'd Erica?" He asked.

"Mattheo? She said she went to the hospital wing for you-"

Mattheo rolled his eyes scoffing. "I came here to break up with that cheating slut and she's gone to cheat. How ironic" He laughed, venom lacing his tone. "I know your friends but seriously you can do b-"

"Actually we aren't friends" You cut him off. "I was here to listen to her bullshit excuses on why she fucked my boyfriend" You scoffed.

"Cedric too?" Mattheo scoffed. "I don't get it, I was actually a good boyfriend to her, for once I wasn't the asshole" He laughed mockingly.

Mattheo sat next to you on Erica's bed as the pair of you sighed. It was quite for a moment before you spoke.

"Maybe she needs a taste of her own medicine.." You peered to Mattheo, who was now smirking.

"A dark streak for a little hufflepuff like you? Do go on" He bit his lip as he stared down at you. Now you look at it, Mattheo was twice the size of you.

"Maybe we could.. you know" You looked down.

"I'm a changed man Y/N- but fuck, my old ways would always come back for you" He smirked, referring to his last two years of THE player and heartbreaker of Hogwarts.

Before you could reply you heard a soft chuckle before Mattheo's hands are instantly all over you. He kisses you softly but needingly. The way his lips move against yours as his hands grab at the plush of your thigh.

You could almost laugh at his neediness but it turned you on even more. You climbed onto his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck as you pull him closer, needing more. Your tongues dancing upon eachother as you grinded down against his growing bulge. The softly moans he'd release into your mouth were enough to have you moaning.

You broke away shortly as the pair of you quickly stripped down to your underwear. You stood up, throwing your jumper and shirt off as you shimmied out of your skirt. Mattheo kicked off his trousers, throwing his jumper and shirt across the room just in time to catch you as he jumped onto him again. A light chuckle leaving his mouth as the pair of you sat pratically skin to skin.

"God you are so fucking hot" He smirked, biting his lip as you sat back down on his lap, as he sat at the end of the bed.

He watched as you, pulled your panties off, dropping them beside the end of the bed as you yanked at his boxers. Smirking as his cock sprung out and hit his stomach.

"So big, and you were all hers?" You smirked, pecking his lips softly as you pulled yourself closer, instantly sinking down on his length as you yelped at the size. His grip, harsh on you as his fingers dug into your hips,his eyes slightly rolling at the sensation.

"Fuck-" You sighed out as you wiggled down on him, reaching back to unclasp your bra and tossing it aside, before pulling him closer and smashing your lips onto his yet against as you grinded down against him.

You gasped, as he gripped your waist, thrusting up into you as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Dont be a bitch Y/N" He smirked against your mouth as your tongues tied to one another as your hands roamed all over. His hands reached to your ass, squeezing, gripping and slapping the flesh as much as he could as your hips buckled against his, his cock burying itself deeper inside of you.

"mm.. J-just like that" You sighed, reading your head against his shoulder as you rocked your hips back and forth against his, sighing at the sensation.

He couldn't handle it much longer as he threw you down against the bed, giving you time to get on all fours as he kicked off his boxers as he gripped your hips and began to piston into you. Your back arched as you gripped the sheets, your teeth sunk into the duvet as you whined into the cotton. You could practically hear his filthy smirk as you whined. His hands aggressively gripping at your love handles as he bounced against you, pulling you back harshly with each thrusted rebound. The way your skin slapped loudly against his as it collided. The way your ass, bounced against his thrusts sent him over the edge.

With each thrust, his hand would grasp at the flesh of your ass, squeezing it or slapping it as you whined down into the mattress. A filthy smirk spread across his face.

"Oh fuck!-" You gasped as you whined, eyes rolling back slightly as you gripped at the sheets.

"Good girl- Good fucking girl.. Taking it so well" He growled from behind. His voice just made you even wetter, the whole situation had your stomach in knots.

He continued on your ass as you gasped for air, his hand yanking at your hair, collecting it into a messy ponytail as he yanked you up and back against his chest. His free arm snaked around your waist, pushed down against your lower stomach, intensifying each thrust as you could feel the pressure of his arm. You whined out loudly, gasping at the sensation as he took the chance to let go of your hair and wrap a hand around your neck.

You gazed to the side to look at Mattheo, as he smirked, before kissing you roughly. His tongue instantly sliding into your mouth as you sighed into the kiss. Toying with his tongue as his cock made at home inside your walls. The way he thrusted in and out like he owned it had you on the edge.

You broke away momentary, gasping for air as he pulled away completely. The emptiness between your legs prominent as you whined, falling forward but catching yourself, moving to lay on your back against the bed, looking up at him.

"Miss me already" He laughed, sweat dripping down his body as he stared at you smirking, as he climbed ontop of you, kissing down your neck, sucking softly at the skin.

"Fuck- How can I not, when you look like that" You chuckled, running your hands up and down his naked body. You couldn't help but let your hand linger over his stomach, as your fingers dipped between the crevasses of his chiselled chest.

"You're bad, fucking your bestfriends boyfriend" He smirked, biting his lip as he hovered over the top of you, his hand pumping his cock as he stared down at you.

"She did it first, I'm just returning the favour" You smirked, pulling his neck as you pulled him into a kiss. You could feel Mattheo smirked against you as he lined up yet against to thrusts into you. His forehead against yours as he smirked down at you.

"You are so cute, shame it took this to see your dark side" He laughed as his thumb caressed your cheek softly, pecking your lips as he slowly slid back into you. You gasped, arching your back, as your chest pressed up against his as your body shook below him.

"God, I fucking love how you just melt at my fucking touch. So slutty" He laughed lowly in your ear, as he nibbled on the shell of it before biting at your shoulder and sucking on it as he began to thrust.

As he began the thrust at first they were soft, his lips peppering kisses all down your neck and collarbone as you whined softly under his touch. You watched as he licked the bruises that had formed across your skin as he smirked down at you. His smirk was sickening. Sickeningly sweet.

His cock sunk in and out of you like it was moulded for you. The way you whined and moaned into his ear had him harder than ever. He was obsessed with you and the pretty little sounds you made.

As he fucked you, he tossed your leg over his shoulder as he continued to fuck you at such an animalistic pace you were unsure if you'd make out of this in one piece. Your stomach, knotted at the pleasure. You hummed and whined as his cock thrashed in and out of you as he whined.

His lips capturing yours once against for a kiss, yet this time deeper. His lips moved so sensually against yours, as he kissed you with such passion. His hand, clasped around your neck as his tongue slid in and out of your mouth as the pair of you hummed. It was like time stopped and it was just you. You had never been fucked this good before, but thanks to Mattheo you now had.

You continued to whined with each thrust, gasping as you gripped at his hair, tugging on it. Mattheo's slight chuckles at every whine that left your mouth sent you spiraling.

As he kissed your deeper and fucked you harder you heard as scream, causing you both to pull away from the kiss. But that didn't stop Mattheo from railing the fuck out of you still. The pair of you looked over his shoulder to see Erica stood in the doorway. On urge you went to pull away from Mattheo in embarrassment but he held you down, smirking back at you as he sped up causing you to arch your back, screaming.

"Mhm- Fuck.. Your dick is so perfect" You whined as your gaze slightly lingering on Erica as the pair of you made eyecontact before you arched your back, leaning back and gripping the headboard. as he fucked you into the mattress. Your body recoiling against the thrusts as the bed creaked and shook.

The two of you edging closer to your high before you both case against one another. You pulled him closer as you kissed him deeply. Moaning softly into his mouth as you creamed his cock. Sighing softly as your body slowly loosened up.

Mattheo pulled away, smirking as he licked his lips. The pair of you had forget Erica was in the room and could more than happy stay like this until you heard a shrill shriek. "WHAT THE FUCK!" She yelled.

The pair of you untied from one another as you sighed, standing up and pulling your clothes back on, as Erica stood in shock at the two of you.

As you buttoned your shirt, you threw your jumper of your shoulders as you grabbed your heels before walking around Erica. "Just returning the favour" You smiled at her wholeheartedly. "Have fun cleaning" You turned to Mattheo before you left, shooting him a wink as he still led against the bed, bare naked.

"You- WHAT??" You could hear the cogs turning in Erica's head as you felt the scene before hearing crashing and screaming. Now she knows how you felt I guess, and well.

She deserved it.

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[iaminfourthwing]

The Generals Daughter

Chapter III

The sun is up when we stand in formation the next day while Captain Fitzgibbons reads from the death roll. The courtyard is hollowed in almost deadly silence.

We’re all in our assigned uniforms for first years with our patches added and while some of us look like they got a decent amount of sleep last night, I didn`t and I feel like I am ready to be send to Malek. But my mind was running on high speed and I was way too paranoid to sleep, ready for the (mostly im)possible scenario someone might try to pull some shit at night, even though it would be against the Codex. Violet next to me looks like she struggles but is keeping her head high. She is strong which makes me proud.

“We command their souls to Malek.” Oh, we were at the end already.

“Hopefully you all ate breakfast, because you`re not going to get another chance before lunch” Dain says, “and I hope at least one of you first years has the academic schedule remembered.”

“And if we’re not?” someone behind us says. Is he dumb?

“Then I don`t have to be concerned with forgetting your name” Aetos shrugs. Well.

“Sawyer” he looks to the left at a first year. Ah, Sawyer Henrick, the freckled guy that repeats the first year because he didn`t bond during Threshing last year. It takes some balls to do this shit again, he has my full respect.

“I`ll get them there” he answers and turns to the nine of us first years. “Fourth floor, second room on the left in the academic wing. Get your shit and don`t be fucking late” he shouts and heads off to the dormitory.

“This must be shit, doing this again” Rhiannon states.

“Better than being dead” the guy from before claims as he walks on my right side. I think his name is Ridoc but I am not sure. I look around, not saying anything and make my way to the dorms, not noticing that Violet isn't by my side anymore. In her place walks Rhiannon. “Where-“ “Dain” she says before I can ask. Damn Aetos, so much for being subtle.

We`re off to grab our (and Violets) stuff and head over to the academic wing for history, which is going to be boring for both Violet and myself. Violet was trained to be a scribe, so she knows it all, and I had to study everything anyways, order from my father.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

“Welcome to your first Battle Brief” Professor Devera greets us. This will be the only class we`ll have every day.

She takes her time to scan the rows of first years, looking at every cadet she sees, while the second and third years are scattered behind us.

At first, she makes eye contact with Violet next to me and gives her a small smile and nod but when her eyes find mine, she tenses and stops. For around three second it`s quiet, then she nods and continues. Rolling my eyes, I look to the left at Violet, seeing a concerned frown adorning her face. I send her a reassuring smile and turn back to the front where Professor Markham stands. He looks at Violet with disappointment, not because of her personally but the lost chances with that great brain of hers. She would have been an excellent scribe.

His gaze sways over to my side and just like with Panchek, his face pales instantly and fear strikes his facial features, not because of me but the one I share my last name with. Letting out a frustrated sigh I switch my focus on my quill, distracting myself before I start to scream out of annoyance. For fucks sake, I am NOT my father. Why is everyone acting like he rules the fucking continent?

“First topic of the day,” Devera moves to the map “the Eastern Wing experienced an attack last night near the village of Chakir by a drift of Braevi gryphons and their riders.” Oh damn. I sit straighter and focus on the map. Good thing when you have an excellent working memory – you can focus more on the front, less on your notes.

She gives further information and I take it all in. It’s bad enough that dragons aren`t the only animals capable of channeling powers to their riders. But the dragons are the only ones of powering the wards that makes other power impossible within these wards. They make sure we aren`t fucked up by the gryphons and their riders.

“…What questions would you ask? Only answers from first years for the start.”

Okay first of all, why the fuck are the wards faltering and more importantly what caused them to falter in such an unlikely place? They would never answer that question because none of us is authorized in that matter.

The second question would be, why they would choose this place for an attack? The Esben Mountain Range is the highest on the eastern border and the gryphons don`t go really well with altitudes like this. Furrowing my eyebrows, I try to find a pattern in the latest attacks. It doesn`t make any sense. But maybe … maybe they were searching for something.

“Did you want to ask a question?” Devera asks Pryor, a first year in our squad, who doesn`t really knows if he should raise his hand or not.

“Yes” he nods. Then – “No. Never mind.”

“So decisive” Luca, another first year from our squad, mocks him. Aurelie tries to ease the tension but Luca is not done with her teasing.

“No dragon is bonding to a guy who can`t even decide if he wants to ask a question. And have you seen –“ I scoff loudly, rolling my eyes at her demeanor to finally bring an end to this shit, which makes her turn around in her seat a row in front of me. If some of them are already kind of terrified with my face here, why not use it?

Her eyes meet mine and she realizes who interrupted her. She quickly turns back to the map without saying anything anymore.

I hear Violet and Rhiannon whisper to each other but don`t understand anything.

“What altitude is the village at?” Rhiannon finally asks. Oh, that`s a good question, matches with mine I had in my head. It`s Professor Markham who answers, surprised by it. “A little less than ten thousand feet, why?”

“It seems a little high for an attack with gryphons.” Good safe, because now I just realized that the question came from Violet. Smartass.

“… to ask your own questions, Cadet Sorrengail.” Shit, I need to start listening and try not to zone out all the time. Seems like the girl next to me has now all the attention on her. Great job, Vi.

Violet goes on about how this altitude is way too high for gryphons and their ability to channel. Looks like a thought crosses her genius brain as her next question is based on Devera’s information that the squad of riders took an hour to arrive.

“Then they were already on their way” she says. And while I can see what she is talking about – the rest of the first years decide to judge instead of thinking, some of them start to laugh.

“Yeah, because that makes sense” a blonde guy turns around in his seat to laugh directly in her face. Jack fucking Barlowe, the asshole that threw a candidate down the Parapet tried to kill Violet and still has it out for her.

“General Melgren knows the outcome of a battle before it happens, but even he doesn`t know when it will happen, dumbass. Am I right, Melgren Junior?” His eyes find mine when an evil smirk finds its way onto his face. Don`t fucking tempt me, asshole. I am not interested in a conversation with you.

My lack of response seems to annoy him because he tries it again. “I said, am I righ-“

“There is no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.”

Stunned silence from Barlowe, startled gasps from other cadets, choked laughter from Ridoc. “Oh shit, that was good, Arya!” he laughs next to me and clasps his hand on my shoulder. Yeah no, I don`t think so Ridoc. I should try to keep my mouth shut with that one before I'll regret it.

Violet ignores my remark and continues with her theory and it seems like she is right, because Devera and Markham both look proud and with a knowing smile on their face. “Because they somehow knew the wards were breaking” she finishes.

“That`s the most-“Jack argues. Does he ever know when to stop?! “She`s right.” HA! I have a proud grin on my face, I love her brain!

“Cadet Melgren” I am called by Devera. Startled I raise my head, brow hitting my hairline.

“What would you ask in aspect of the attack?” she asks me. For a moment I study the map again, trying to sort my thoughts.

“What were they looking for and most importantly, did they find it?”

A slow smile spreads over Deveras face and even Markham looks intrigued by my question. “What makes you think they were out looking for something?”

“Well, it just makes sense they searched for something. Like Cadet Sorrengail said, the attack took action at the most illogical place for a drift of gryphons.” I pause, bringing my thoughts into formation. “The wards failing was not a coincidence and even though it seems like they were just passing by, they weren`t. They somehow knew the wards would falter in that specific moment. But whatever they were looking for, it must have been really important if they risk their drift to attack this high up in the mountains.” I finish.

I can hear Ridoc next to me cheering quietly in his seat. And while the first and some of the second years don’t think that far yet, I am pretty sure some of the third years had a similar question in mind, because I hear approving whispers behind me. Years of learning and studying are finally paying off.

“Just like your father. Always thinking ahead and seeing the important aspects. Good job, Melgren.” Everyone else would see it as a compliment but … 

I hate it, with all my heart, because I desperately want to be everything but like my father. Violet takes my hand, knowing how much I hate to be compared to the General.

[mattslolita]

okayyy basically first period we had religious studies an cuz im just soo smart i got like 84 out of 96 on my christianity and islam paper. 😇we did the test before the holidays an they gave the results back ONLY now 😒 anyway thats completly irelevant... 🤣 but we hav a new seating plan AGAINNN and i sit next to my boyfriend woooo!! but.. he kept saying he was sleepy cuz he slept for 3 hours only. so he kept leaning on me and my teacher kept tellin him to get off of me 😭

then 2nd i cant even remeber what we had but the teacher gave him a detention cuz he had trainers on instead of "school schoes" LMAO! but the thing is they literally nike air forces like, jus got a logo an its an issue? same style shoes from fucking idk KICKERS 😭 would be PERFECTLEY fine! he was also in a bad mood cuz he dint sleep 😤 so he was arguin with him and ended up gettin taken out the class.. they srsly worry bout the stupidest things but things like bullying or EVEN racism r just IGNORED!!!!! for example one of my friends wears a hijab and theres this old ass teacher whos jewish (not an issue but it needs to be said for my point!)who keeps giving her dirty looks and saying things in arabic to her but she dont understand it? one boy who can understand him once said he told her she was "going to hell" and "following the wrong religion". LIKE? WHAT THE ACTUALLL FUCK? hes disgusting!!! hes also... got an israel flag in his classroom? like hows that even allowed? not even the point that i support palestine. its the fact theyre allowed to hav that in their room and its not an issue? cuz things like fucking voting for a new prime minister was kept secret by teachers cuz apparently they dont want "to influence us" but thats okay and wont influence ANYONE???? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE? yuckkk

then last period we had maths and my bf kept complaining that his head was hurtin and cuz the schl wont let u go to the ofice to get paracetamol or any medication during lesons, we bring our own.. (which SUPRISEEE!! is not allowed) and i went to give him one and this fucking bitch comes up to me and says that i should not be bringing that to school, who knows if that actually medicine, and that ill need to go the head teacher to explain y i decided do that as it was unsafe. 🤣 like 3 years ago they sent my friend home for taking paracetamol at schl cuz they thought he was gonna overdose? uhhh he had 1? 1!!!!!!! LMAO! he had a HEADACHE!! i said i wasnt going bc i dint actually DO anything and we would just waste time for literally no reason.. ofc she didnt like that and said i was talking back an being disrespectufl. i went but the head teacher kinda likes me so she said it was okay but i shouldnt do it again and i said i wouldnt (absolutle fucking lie) then when i came bakck my boyfriend took his water bottle and said to me "ive got vodka in here" and i said "thought u said u stopped all that" as A JOKE! bc i know he obviously DOES NOT hav vodka in his bottle LMAO. but this teacher was like "well now i need to smell it to see if ur being serious" he started laughing an got sent out 😭 its actually becoming an issue atp LOLL.

ughhh cant wait to leaveeee!!!!! and SORRY its SO LONG 🫢

good job on ur religions test love !! so proud of you 🫶

here they go messing w ur bf again😭😫 AND UNT UNT THAT TEACHER MESSING WITH UR ARABIC FRIEND ??? HE'LL REALLY CATCH THESE HANDS CAUSE YOU NOT FINNA GIVE POOKIE DIRTY LOOKS & TALK SHIT THE FUCK ?? AND HES A FUCKING ISRAEL SUPPORTER WHAT THE FUCK.

ur school is weird as fuck, like the rules & shit don't make no sense to me. anyone should be allowed to go to the medical office if their feeling sick or just not feeling well like wdf ??

[dreamlanddeluxe]

pro-tip from someone who has had stretches pf insomnia like this since high school: (bc your posts makes it sound like a new development and like youre scared, so i want to help. sorry this unsolicited)

but literally?? fake it

fake sleeping. youre going to lie down, close your eyes, shift when youre uncomfortable, but keep your eyes closed and stay laying down. try to keep your mind as blank as possible, thats really hard for me specifically, so i legit will listen to videos or podcasts or music or ocean-waves as i fake-sleep (bonus, i found something that works for me 60, 70% of the time are those ASMR roleplay videos where it'll be like "your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to you while you sleep" or "you get confessed to while youre asleep" or literally anything where i have to "roleplay" being asleep?? weirdly? flips a switch and ill be KOed before the video ends. what the fuck. but thats niche as hell, idk if itll work for you, but it is an "experiment! you never know" encouragement)

and youre going to want to fake-sleep as best as you can, even if youre actually awake the whole 8+ hours, because it legit tricks your brain into thinking youre asleep enough that it gives you those chemicals you need from sleeping that help regenerate your energy and whatnot. like scientists found this works really well, insomniacs who did this instead of their phone or tasks or reading, even if they rarely fell asleep while fake-sleeping, not only recorded feeling a lot better than the control group who was not given this order to sleep like this, but also had more balanced chemical stuff. i like to akin ir to a cell-phone charge. youre not going to get the 100% you would from actually sleeping, but going from a 20% to a 65% is still p huge and very helpful. before i was told this tip, i literally would meditate to recoup; and shockingly meditation releases those same chemicals so like. i was already doing it. just. sitting up instead of laying down lol

also, please do talk to a doctor about getting a sleep study done or something if you have the insurance to afford it. but this is a tip you can do in the meantime in addition to other experimentations thatll help you out. youll still feel exhausted (esp if you cant quiet your brain. my AuDHD mind shuts the fuck when other people speak, so the audio-roleplay and podcast and video-essay people have been god-sends), you won't be that 100% refresh as i already said, but it also wont be AS compounded of an exhaustion which is so helpful when your metaphorical battery is just going down and down and down— to have SOMETHING charge it even a bit or just stall it. i dont want you to think this is a "youll feel back to normal!" cure-all; it truly is the epitome of a "well, thatll help it not get WORSE at any rate, and maybe a bit better" type of rhetoric

for now, i would recommend doing a fake-nap, pick x-amount of hours that feels most comfortable to you (my pick is usually 3 or 4, but my lil sister found she prefers 2 hour long fake-naps and my other lil sister just goes "fuck it, no fake-nap, only fake-sleep; im doing 8+ hours" lmao), see if it at least takes the edge off

i have said a lot of "temper your expectations" type of stuff but i will also say this: at one point, this tip literally saved my life. because i spent 2.5 months running on a total of 4 to 6 hours of legit-sleep per week or per week-and-a-half throughout. and that kinda shit, i belatedly found out, should mean i should be dead. but i was fake-sleeping at least 5 hours a night. and my family's doctor went "uhhhhh thank god i showed your mom that study i guess, omfg". so like. i swear it helps. just. ALSO temper your expectations on how much it helps lol

if this is unsolicited and feels unwarranted, i apologize. im not good at reading tone in text, and just wanted to help. i hope this does help you out, you got this, i believe in you!!

Hey no worries, I appreciate you taking the time to type all this out. Recently (like, within the past one to two years or so) I’ve been more prone to bouts of restlessness and the fake sleeping is actually something I practice and it does help me most of the time. I think right now it’s more of a stress induced sort of thing more than anything that’s led to me having more trouble. Might just be one of those things I gotta wait out to be honest. When I do have a moment where I can’t sleep right it doesn’t last more than a few days normally so I don’t imagine this being different I hope. Maybe seeing a doctor would help but I’ll be honest there’s a probably a few things I should be seeing a doctor about and I just don’t have the money for that lol. But still like I said I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me out and offer some advice that’s very kind of you 🫶

[mainfaggot]

summary of today (sept. 30th '24)

- admired the sunlight and shadows while sitting on the bus this morning. also, felt as though i was sticking out like a sore thumb due to my haircut and outfit. sat up straighter and lifted my chin up. #fakeittillyoumakeit

- couldn't concentrate on studying after my psych research lab. i was just so on edge. my face, ears, neck were all so warm and i couldn't sit still. my head was aching slightly and my jaw was all stiff. sighs were constantly escaping my mouth and i couldn't help it. i think the lack of sleep and being socially drained from last night were getting to me.

- managed to get some of my readings done for around an hour. linguistics was okay. experienced some moments of Satisfaction (teacher's pet moments. lol) followed by.... a sense of disillusionment. i caught myself wondering if putting all this pressure on myself was worth it; i stress myself out, and yes, i end up performing well in class ... but even that doesn't feel Good Enough to me at the end of the day. im always disappointed in myself because an 89 isn't a 90, a 94 isn't a 95, and a 98 isn't 100, etc. anyway, i felt so fucking stupid for allowing my performance in class to have such a grip on my mood and self worth.

- talked to one of the white gayboys (there are two!) after the spanish linguistics lecture ended. he seemed very eager to talk shit about the other white gayboy. funny thing (not funny)... i was the one who started the shit talking... i don't know why i did that. i think i just wanted to talk about anything but the actual course. still, i should have talked about idk!!!! coffee orders or the weather!!!! instead of shading some gayboy who glared in my direction one (1) time. it was childish on my part, i think.

- felt like crying on the bus home. felt better when i was finally home. felt like crying after getting changed. felt better when my mom said something nice to me. felt like crying while folding laundry. felt better after. felt like crying again. and now we're here.

[floflipo]

k2 random oneshot

warnings: minor swearing, not proofread, just eh in general, gay kyle broflovski, also gay kenny mccormick

“Huh, you’re usually not up at this time.”

“... I guess.”

Two voices- one cheerful, one groggy- could be heard at the late time of 2:37 AM. Kyle sighs as he reaches across his desk and tries to grab a pen, but drops it onto his wooden floor. There were towers of textbooks, notebooks, and random pencils surrounding a singular sheet of paper. The piece of paper, devoid of Kyle’s chicken-scratch handwriting, sat sadly on his desk.

“Did something happen? You okay?” Kenny softly speaks to the speaker after a few moments of silence.

“No, not really. I’m fine. Just, you know,” Kyle inhales quickly. “Graduation is soon.” Kyle wishes that time didn’t move on so quickly. He missed the times in elementary school, where studies and reputation weren’t a huge worry.

“Haha, it’s weird to think that we’re gonna go to college soon. I mean, it feels like we haven’t changed at all since then,” Kenny laughs. Kyle can imagine it. How Kenny’s freckled cheeks slightly go up, scrunching up his face. He looked pretty when he smiled. He looked pretty with any facial expression, but especially his smile.

“Really? I feel like most of us have changed. For the better, and the worse. I kinda wish we didn’t,” Kyle scratches his hair with the back of his pen.

Kenny thinks for a bit. “Well, Cartman’s still an asshole, Stan still has problems with Wendy, Butters is still… Butters I guess. You’re still you, and I’m still me,” He says finally. 

“Change can be a good thing too, but it’s still lonely watching everyone around you grow,” Kenny also adds.

Kyle massages his temple and groans. “I don’t want to deal with any of this shit. University, jobs, moving, and everything. I wish our parents still did everything for us.”

“... Right, you’re moving to the city. It’s gonna get more lonely around here for sure, haha,” Kenny painfully laughs.

“I feel like nothing is gonna work out, Kenny. No matter how hard I try,” Kyle suddenly breaks down, almost crying.

“None of us know for sure if something is gonna work out. But none of us know for sure if something isn’t going to,” Kenny says softly. Gosh, it almost feels like Kenny’s sitting right here next to him, rubbing his back like they used to do as kids. 

Kyle almost regrets that he used his last years at South Park for studying. Maybe he should’ve hung out with his friends more.

Kyle doesn’t say anything for a while. Probably because he was crying. Kyle never liked talking when he was crying. All the words that he meant to say end up in a jumbled-up string of sniffs, hiccups, and sobs.

“Hey, I know you’re crying. I’m not gonna push you to talk or anything,” Kenny says slowly, soothing him. “But if you don’t know how something’s gonna end, isn’t it just better to believe it?”

Kyle sends Kenny a text instead. How do you know it’s not going to betray me? He retypes it a few times, due to his fingers shaking.

“... Do you not believe yourself?” Kenny asks.

Not really.

“Mm, then do you believe me?”

Duh, you’re my best friend. Kyle scoffs at the words “best friend”.

“Then believe in me who believes in you, alright?” Kenny’s voice could only be described best as light. It was almost too bright for Kyle to look at directly.

After a long pause, a mumbled “Okay, thanks Kenny,” could be heard, and after that, the short call of three minutes and twenty-seven seconds had ended.

the quote believe in me who believes in you is from an anime called tengen toppa gurren lagann, but the first time i heard it was in monika after story.

the thing about kenny’s voice being light is kinda a reference to killua’s thoughts about gon in chimera ant arc. (when gon insisted that kite was okay)

first time writing a oneshot/fanfic, idrc if it's bad its almost 1 am im going to sleep this isn't proofread btw

[im-yn-suckers]

cupids arrows; karma kicked her in the butt

pairing- not exactly enemies to lovers but along those lines. idol niki x idol fem reader park y/n (jays baby sister) (debuts in gg)

warnings- fake friends, idk how kpop auditions work so bear with me, light swearing, lmk what else

wow, proofread this time

synopsis- flashback as jay's younger sister in school, you and your friend decided to audition for hybe at the age of 14. when you pass and she doesn't, you get selected to join a survival show. when your and the one member younger than you debut and you don't, you are announced as the 8th member of enhypen. how does getting cheated on benefit the fact that you and niki aren't very fond of each other?

chapter one; karma kicked her in the butt

masterlist -> next

"we should audition!!" you screamed as you showed your friend, I-jun, your phone screen. displaying the announcement from hybe saying they're looking for people to audition for their new girl group.

''sure. why not? after school on monday we'll go" she said from her spot on your bed. she was sleeping over and it was a friday night. enhypen just debuted and everyone at school called you 'not-so-famous park kid'. how motivating.

you texted your boyfriend telling him all about it. he was the best boyfriend ever.

~

monday after school, you and I-jun walk over to the hybe building and wait in line. there was a crowd of about 40 when you two got there. the line got to about 100 people by the time it was I-jun's turn.

"Hello! my name is Hwang I-jun. i am 14 years old and hope to be able to work with you in the future." she introduced herself to the judges and began to sand a song in english, korean and danced. her vocals were good, they were stable but her dancing was something she could work on. she wasn't bad, but her vocals were very shaky when dancing.

"next!"

"hello, I am park y/n. i am 14 years old and i hope to become and idol just like my older brother." your vocals were like honey and your rap was so good. you had precision in your dance and nothing was wrong.

the other people lined up did their auditions and the judges went to the waiting room. they announced who passed the first audition.

"Ae-sol, Kim. Jin-sol Park, Y/n Park, Sook Lim, and, Eun Jung! Please fill out this form and give we will update you on when the next audition is within the next week or so. otherwise, you may go home! thank you!" you stood with your mouth open in shock and you felt I-jun's eyes on you.

"good job y/n. you did good, i should have practiced like you told me too. i guess i was just being a shit-head" she said, almost forcing herself to.

on the walk home, you were still in disbelief. you enjoyed the evening breeze and walked I-jun home. she was never that rude.

''don't you think one famous kid is enough? like why two? to brag? i mean, he's not that famous. he'll probably flop and end up disbanding" she was obviously jealous that you passed and she didn't. it was uncalled for and unnecessary for her to say that about jay

"i don't know but anyway, see you tomorrow at school. study for bio!" you dropped her off at her house and facetimed jay on the way home. he made you feel safe. despite his tight schedule, he always responded to your texts and calls. he was the best big brother and you wouldn't trade him for the world

"hey kiddo! how are you?" his voice was comforting and warm

"hey, im ok. how about you? how's life being famous and all?''

"its alright. have you done anything today? you don't usually call out of random like this"

"yeah, i wanted to tell you that me and I-jun auditioned for the new girl group audition at hybe. i passed the first audition, she didn't and she sounded really mad"

"now way! congrats! kind sucks that I-jun didn't. if shes being mean to you, tell me because i'll beat up anybody who hurts you. heh"

"Y/N!!!! wassup!! you passed the first audition? thats awesome!" jake was shouting in the background while all the members gathered around to talk to you.

"niki, are you going to say hi or something?" sunoo asked in his motherly tone, almost a whisper

"nah, tell her im sleeping" he rolled his eyes and walked upstairs.

"well, i gotta go jay. I'm home and i don't want you to hear mom and dad's 'happy' shouts"

"ok, bye kiddo! text me before and after the next audition! eat and drink water before i sneak out of here and force feed you"

"ok, bye jay! love you!"

"love you too kiddo" you hung up and walked inside.

"sweetheart! how'd it go? oh, i mean. welcome home honey."

"hi mom. i passed the first audition but I-jun didn't."

"oh. honey. i'm sorry. it'll be okay"

"don't be sorry, she said rude things about jay. karma kicked her in the butt" maybe she deserved it. you went up to your room and went to sleep. you had a bio exam tomorrow after all.

tuesday morning arrives and your phone is blowing up. tons of classmates congratulating you and a handful being rude.

after the bio exam, you had lunch. to avoid any interactions, you went to study hall. finally, peace and quiet. you checked your email and saw that hybe had sent an email confirming the next audition.

you texted jay, knowing there was a possibility he was busy. after school, you felt the buzz you were waiting for, in your backpack

jay big bro <3: hey kiddo! sorry i responded so late, i had dance practice. im so proud of you! you'll definitely pass. love you kiddo!

your shoulders dropped with relief when you saw jays contact on the screen of your phone.

~

the day of the audition came and you texted jay before you entered the building.

y/n: hey jay! i know you're probably busy being famous and all but i'm about to go in for the second audition. wish me luck! love you!

jay big bro<3: hey kiddo! good luck! i love you too! im so proud of you!

his reassurance was all you needed to push you into the doors of the audition.

after about two hours of evaluations, singing, rapping, and dancing, they announced who would go on the survival show.

"The participant who will be competing in "My High School Dream' is, Y/n Park!!! congratulations y/n." you were in shock and you couldn't believe it.

your first instinct was to text jay about it.

y/n: i did it!!! i made it! im going to be on 'My High School Dream'!!!!

jay big bro <3: hold up

he facetimed you and started shouting random things.

"guys! come here! y/n passed!"

the guys *unnecessary* shouts were all you heard. luckily you were at the park, sitting on the swings.

"congrats y/n -_-" of course. niki wasn't happy for you.

"thanks niki." all you heard was a sarcastic 'uh-huh' before jay came back after all the guys congratulating you

"i told you you'd make it! congrats kiddo. i love you so much. did anyone else make it?"

"thanks, i love you too. no, it was just me but they told me there would be 12 other girls competing to make one group."

"it'll be ok, kiddo. where are you?"

"im at the park. i was going to head over to Hyu- a friends house after you hung up"

"oh? who's that?"

"just a friend, uh. yeh"

"ooookaaaay. be safe. love you kiddo"

"love you too jay. i will"

your shoulders went up after accidentally telling jay about your boyfriend. he was the only one who didn't know about Hyun.

little did you know, jay texted your parents and told them to buy a cake quickly. he also mentioned Hyun. they told him who he was but that didn't matter.

when you got to Hyun's house, you greeted his parents and told him the news. he was so happy for you and after about half an hour. you walked home excitedly, unknown of what was waiting at home.

"SURPRISE!!!!! WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU! WE LOVE YOU!" they were waiting at the door of your house with a cake and banner in their hands.

"thanks mom and dad. i love you too"

you ate cake and celebrated. you received an email telling you where/when to go. school wasn't the easiest, but you made it for the week you had left before leaving.

taglist- send an ask or comment to be added

[ssruis]

Long list of prsk related things I’m working on that may or may not get finished idk I never finish anything and I love abandoning my works

Art:

> several meme redraws (‘I’m not a hater’ ‘I am’, ‘y’know. Nya.’, ‘ok fine I am a homosexual’, ‘we look like a couple’ ‘a couple of bestieees’, heart/thumbs up, ‘sorry *sleeps* sorry *sleeps more* sorry *sleeps more*’)

> redraw of the emunene hug thing

> actually finishing that ruikasa drawing

> niccori rap ending pose ruikasa w live nene reaction

> ruikasa w Barbie movie outfits that im only doing because that one fixer/barbie girl mashup is so inspiring. To me.

> nene looking at ruikasa: tsukasa is so dense idk how he can’t see that rui likes him if someone acted like that around me I’d definitely notice (while emu is clinging to her)

emu having flashbacks of her being even more obvious and nene not noticing: …uh huh! You’re so smart nenechan!

> emu hugging each member of wxs & grading their hugs (every1 gets an A plus)

> tsukasa & rui with the demon core

> wxs fantasy au drawing

> emu emu beam

> at some point I’d like to draw at least a bust for all the characters but. So much effort and so little skill.

> go for it kusanagi (emunene)

> there are several outfits I want to put wxs in but that requires me to study clothing because I am so bad at drawing that

Writing:

> early wxs days emunene focus nene & tsukasa fic where nene is having a category 5 wet cat moment over what to get emu for Valentine’s Day and tsukasa sees this & is like “I’ll teach you how to make chocolates :)” & they bond. because I love rotating the early nene&tsukasa dynamic in my head. actually started this forever ago & still kinda like it so it may get finished. (Shocking)

> tsukasa has glasses ruikasa fic (also started it a while ago but whether or not I’ll finish it depends on nailing down the characterization better)

> soul eater ruikasa fic w background emunene (mostly written but inside of my head which means it’s barely written)

> emu focus wxs fantasy au (partially written in my head but it’s like 30 different fics & id like to know that i can finish something before attempting to wrangle it)

> cpdb/space opera au (would be. Such a long one shot. Again partially written but I want to know I can finish things)

> HMC/several other inspirations ruikasa w background emunene fic (only has barebones framing)

> what I’m choosing to affectionately call “tsukasa & having a weird relationship to romance” fic that’s 1/4 extrapolating from canon & 3/4 projection

> emunene fic where they’re the romantic leads in a musical due to ruikasa meddling

> that one future ruikasa rui&asahi go on a date and rui is forced to confront things abt himself fic that exists in my head (framed out but i started writing the emu&tsukasa companion piece and it became 2000 words which made me realize the entire endeavor would get out of hand and idk if im that motivated to do that. Also was like the first thing i wrote both pjsk wise and fic wise and idk if i still like it that much. Sad bc there was a nene&rui scene i really enjoyed)

> emunene fic w emu & nene eating lunch with rui (started but needs. So much more work.)

> ruikasa fic where an wants to eat lunch w nene but she’s already going to go eat with rui bc tsukasa is sick and an is like i still feel some responsibility to the disciplinary committee and tsukasa being gone means rui is probably up to some truly crazy shit so she tags along and is forced to witness rui acting like tsukasa went off to war. Rui isn’t even up to anything he’s like ‘there’s no point if tsukasa isn’t here 😔’. Requires me to read more vbs stuff to get a good grasp on a though.

> emu + rui or emu + tsukasa fic that’s just deus ex emu towards their feelings. And then whoever she’s talking to forces her to talk abt her own feelings (like wrangling a cat)

> nene fic abt her feeling like she can’t properly convey how much emu means to her & then at the end emu’s like but you do in ur own way

Analysis/long ass posts

> emu + agency/being treated like a child and her relationship to her brothers

> emu and her dream being both motivation and a burden (for this and the above one it’ll probably be easier to wait for ohe on eng)

> tsukasa and his maturity/big brother complex

> emu + tsukasa adhd moments

> a good sekai can’t be made alone (WxS sekai + how emu/nene/rui have some degree of influence albeit minimal) (quotes are all pulled and transcribed im just being lazy abt writing it) (idk i also might decide to add another 2000 words of quotes if i go find the specific things im referencing wrt WLE… Might just do that for emu though because i feel like that goes more unrecognized and nene is more cut and dry/i already talked abt rui and his hang ups I don’t wanna do it again)

> nene wet cat/she’s actually so fucking weird moments

> at some point I want to talk abt the saki+tsukasa mental illness but this would require me to become a saki scholar and that would take so much time. I mean I’ll do it but I’m also lazy.

> nene + rui relationship decay lore crumbs and them not being able to really help each other/encouraging each other to stagnate (at least in the early wxs days)

> emunene momence….

> really long character voice guide for myself that will be very labor intensive. Nobody wants or asked for this I’m just neurotic.

[madame-fear]

long rant about some feelings i had lately because i need to say it somewhere. i should post it on my sideblog but honestly i lack the will to sign out from this and log into the other account. Feel free to ignore.

Quite honestly seeing all the endearing messages you guys send me truly encourages me to keep me going, and in a way, it comforts me. But these days for some reason I’ve had some recurring grim feelings that burden me, and make me feel empty.

I have a loving family I adore, sweet mutuals and friends i also appreciate with all my life, and i’m studying a career i always wanted to study – but i feel disappointed with myself. I feel like I have no clue where to go in life, like I cant rrally achieve anything too important. I feel useless, and weak.

Everyone in my real life remarks how shy and quiet i often am, and my parents say that im a sensible soul but even if they say it in a good way i feel stupid and fragile. I feel like everyone can run past over me because they know im not capable of saying anything against it. I feel worthless, and like i constantly need to be guided to do even the slightest thing. I panic at the most minor of inconveniences because i have no idea how to react and i overly stress, and needless to say the tremors i have worsen and it just makes me feel like shit.

I never find the right time to say what i feel, nor the right situation. And even if i do and express myself in any dumb way i can find at that moment, i just get called an attention seeker and they blame me as a victim that always has everything served and is spoiled, and even if im grateful for all the things i have in my life, i just keep feeling like a heavy weight on the people surrounding me. I feel like nothing i ever do is right, i never know what to say, i feel stupid. Sincerely.

I dont care what anyone says about me, especially if its someone i dont know. But i know some friends and people in real life that made fun of me when talking about my interests, how fragile i seem at everything and reserved i am, i even heard some classmates snickering behind of me when i was explaining specifically what i studied and im tired of not having the will to stand up. I truly despise myself to the point i can barely find the right words, if there is any.

Everyday i feel like im dragging myself through life and i would muh rather keep sleeping and stay in my dreams than have to keep being understanding at stupid people, and the disrespect. Im always embarrassed of expressing how i feel but its even more heavy to carry all my self-worth issues without being able to freely talk about it. You guys have no idea how many fucking times i had the impulse of jumping in front of a car, throwing myself out of the balcony, hanging myself and end myself because i cant STAND not knowing how to guide my life, where to go, and feeling insecure and i dont say this to be dramatic. i cant do anything by myself.

If it werent because even if i sometimes fight with them i know i have a family that cares for me and sweet friends, i wouldnt be here in some time. I feel like an attention whore and a victim but i hate having to keep it all for myself and know no one will do anything, or think im satisfied with how i am. My parents tell me i should be proud of who i am and all the things i earned by myself, but truth is, i wish i werent so fucking useless. I can never remember anything properly, and im too anxious most of the time. I despise myself and i really hope this feeling washes away soon, because i cant tolerate not managing to do anything because i would much rather lay in bed and do nothing due to my own insecurities.

[thx-sunsxts-addrxss]

a rant btw

when did it come to “I’m going to hit you” when I don’t come a minute after you call me?

because I swear, I don’t think it was like this.

I was practising dance, which, by the way, I have to perform today. And miss girl (my mom) calls me. I tell her ‘one second!’

then she says that.

I may be overreacting over this, and yeah, I probably am. I’m a dramatic little shit. That’s not new.

I know it’s probably an empty threat. I was never this scared of it 2 years ago.

2 years ago, my mom hit my sister for the first time.

as you all know, my sister’s 21. 2 years ago, she was 19. An adult. She wanted to go to this sleepover, mind you, just girls, and at her friend’s apartment. What was the issue here?

my dad was on a business trip btw

my mom kept saying no. Then she said, “you are still 19, and you will always be under my control!”

my sister got angry and slammed the door shut. And my mom got up and hit her.

I can’t forget the image of my sister huddled up in the blanket trembling. I can’t forget how I cried that night.

I was 12.

I don’t know what are empty threats anymore because what if she means it? What if she really will hit me? It scares me, down into my heart.

My mom has never been one to say sorry. She still didn’t say sorry for that incident. I remember talking with my sister after it happened.

she’d come to check on me. She’d come to me. Why did she have to come, when my cowardly self couldn’t go to check on her?

and she asked if I was okay.

why was she asking me? I didn’t have anything happen to me.

everything just felt like a stab to the stomach.

I’m 14 now. I’m still scared of my mother. Boards is next year. I have no idea what will happen to me if I do bad on that. My sister jokes about the incident all the time. And I try and laugh at it, but inside, I get mad at my mother all over again for making my bestest friend, my amazing sister cry like that.

everything’s been so hard recently. Study, study, eat, study, sleep, repeat. I’m so stressed right now and I really, really want a break.

not like I’ll ever have one.

two years ago, when I wanted to die, I’d ask in my mind: please kill me” then I’d add, “not really, I don’t want to die.”

now it’s, “god, please, please kill me”

I’m so fucking tired.

“Isn’t it hard being happy all the time? Why are you happy when the rest of us are dealing with something serious? Stop being happy!”

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? CRY? NO YOU DONT, BECAUSE WHEN I CRY, YOU STILL GET MAD AT ME. YOU THINK IM HAPPY IN THIS SITUATION? NO IM NOT. BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY.

“Isn’t it hard being happy all the time?” YES. ITS SO FUCKING HARD. ITS SO HARD TO PUT ON SMILES SND BE SUNNY ALL THE TIME. IT TIRES ME OUT. AT THE END OF THE DAY, IM SO EXHAUSTED YOU DONT IMAGINE.

I CRY SILENTLY EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. WHY SILENTLY? BECAUSE YOU’LL GET MAD AT ME.

what? Are you happy now? Are you happy you’ve finally lost both daughters? Are you happy you’ve gotten rid of a disappointment?

good. At least what I did worked, didn’t it?

you guys are literally making my day better, each day. Thank you so much.

Well. Gonna go to practice. I’ll wipe away my tears I guess. Don’t want anybody to see me like this, do I?

I put on a smile.

[unablethethird]

you know the usual

hehe

1- I got no freckles 2-I drink tea, hate coffee cause it's bitter. Tea usually makes me sleepy,, 3-Last song i listened to? lemme check

If i die, you better say rip /silly

don't usually listen to this stuff,,,,but vibe was right 4- How do i sleep? I usually sleep in what my sister likes to call 'the baby position' lol [side] 5-Do i sleep with a stuffed animal? Usually, now they under the bed though [im too lazy to pick it up 🔥🔥🔥] 6-Do i prefer writing or drawing? Too tired to do either but drawing,,, 7-answered this in another ask! 8-also answered this in another ask! 9-27/11/09 is mah birthday 10-How tall am i? FRIGGIN 160CM >:[ [wait i think i answered this one too-] 11-My eye color is dark brown [aka black but technically no eye color is black] 12-assuming this question is about real hugs I'd rather jump off a building then hug anyone irl 13-Fears?

Most people, getting found out on anything 14- my favorite color is red, purple, black, pastel yellow, and orange

15-answered this in another ask! 16-I want to tattoo a sleeve or two, not sure what it'd be though 17-Got ear piercings i fuggin hate, dont want any tbh 18-Last person i texted would be my sister on discord lol 19- Dunno about yaya anymore, but probably you, and i think we started being friends this year 20- I miss H a lot, im litterally aroace asf, but she's,,,,, >< getting back together would mean my irl friends dont hang around w me anymore tho so idk 21- My day today was :P 22-Idk how much sleep i got lol 23-I believe in aliens by technicality, cus even like germs or micro-organisms we dont know of are aliens, so like,, 24-The last time i cried Today lol, my mum was being mean and i was already rlly frustrated,, 25-Dont got one fav decade

CONTINUING ANSWERING THIS AFTER A BREAK 26-Childish stuff i like? cant think of anything, maybe plushies but i know a bunch of people who got way more than me and i think it's pretty normal, but idk 27- My favorite book Really really really hard to answer just one SO TOP THREE- Girl in pieces [I FUCKING BAWLED MY EYES OUT I FUCKING AAAA] The outsiders [ALSO CRIED. IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS [w a buncha my classmates lol since it was for school], THAT FUCKING ENDING. if you read any book, you gotta try this, bucketlist potential] That was then, this is now [okay so to be honest i think i just like it because it was writen by S.E hinton, who wrote the outsiders, but like,,,,it's good. Thinking back though it was kinda mid but at the time i read it, i thought it was good so yeah,,,probably would only reccomend this if your a fan of the outsiders] 28-How am i really? Can't tell what im feeling right now, but probably a good feeling 29-Does it take me a long time to make decisions? Not really, if you give me a day to make a decision i'll make it in a day, if you give me a year i'll take a year, so depends on how much time i'm given 30-What am i looking forward to in the near future? camp!! Going there next thursday

31-What am i looking forward to in the distant future? Leaving home, transitioning, and studying psychology 32-If i could be anywhere rn, where would i wanna be? Arcade,,, 33-Sleep with door open or closed? I sleep with my door closed, my mum doesn't let me close the door at all but i wait till she sleeps and claim the wind dun it or something 34-My favorite flower is the chrysanthemum! 35-no idea what a squish is 36-My middle name is bassically "House of [dads name]", i dont hate it or anything but its kinda just there. 37- cats over dogs but i leik dogs 38- Do i have any phobias? haphephobia, trypanophobia, and hemophobia [ironically lol] [[hemophobia for me though is a bit complicated,,]] 39-Do i stay up late? Not really 40-Do i like the beach? Do i prefer it sunny or cloudy? Hate the beach. Australian beaches are the fucking worst. I hate blue bottles with all of my fucking heart. THAT SHIT IS PAINFUL I prefer sunny weather generally but i would never go to a beach 41-My favorite cartoon would be murder drones, TADC, and hazbin maybe but i stopped watching it 42- Moots,,, 43- I got 2 younger sisters 44-Last person i said i love you too would be you lol

45-I'd die for anyone just let me die /hj 46-What do i do when im sad? Pain meds, listen to music, cry, and get stuck in my head lol 47-Dont got a phone number Ik my mums tho ig 48-Who can i trust with my life? You 49-

[it's my sisters birthday lol]

[momiamtired]

chapter 2 so they think im cringe. i will never be able to see my friends bc i will be able to leve canada onlt after 4 years bc of this stupid and random biometrics shit and i had only chance of meeting them this summer but now its all pointless bc of a random canada government decision. i want to pee so bad and this stupid american bitch is washing her ass for 2348493 hours with stupid pop childish music in the background gosh. i lost 700 dollars recently idk where or how i genuanly dont know its prob my roommate but im not sure so basically yeah and im reallt sensitive about losing money so yesterday was a fun day to me. my stupid mind is doing some crazy shit and tries to convince me to believe in karma or god idk basically its if i will think that everything will be bad then everything will be good but i should genuanly believe it all will be bad and i just go back n forth with this idea always going on on my minds. i have a couple of different templates of how this world from my mind' perspective works but im too tired to think ab it. ig every time i think that its just what it is its just how wolrd is and nobody is giving me a happy time after all of this is over as my mind always tries to constantly tell me i guess its just too painful for me. i want to believe that i will be happy in a short time. i want too. but every day i wake up and some awful shit happens to me. its awful to be extraverted and i dont have friends here. i hate this fucking bitch PLEASE leve i want to use toilet wtf is wrong with u. pleeeeaseee im all sweaty npw bc of how i want to pee. i noticed that they wash themselves so rarely here. idk why my roommate smells just awful and she is 22 and she never washes herself so at night when i have troubles sleeping i also need to smell her beatiful aromas and im gonna be silent ab her mouth like she never washes her teeth how can u have so many man and smell so awful and be so nasty. anyways i dont reallt know what to do? i lost my motivation to even live( but not to eatt i will never lose it i have ed) i just dont want to do anything to see anything to feel anything i just want to die and be reborn. i dont believe in reincarnation but being able to not feel anything is better than living how i live now. i never cry but i cry here really often. like a couple of times per weak? i never cry literally never. that bc my coping mechanism is trying to find a decision and i will fucking find this decision even if im gonna die but rn there is no decision there is nothing there is just finnish studying than good luck to being lucky for finding a place to live and a job and if u wont find a placce to stay u will have to sleep on a bed with a roommate who washes herself once per weak and stole ur only money. and even now my mind is trying to say to me that i will be fine and the situation will be better! but fuck u it wont be better and i know it because there is no fucking hope left here there is literallt nothing left no fucking move will make it better NOTHING will make it better. im a fucking psychology major wtf is wrong with me. i just cant believe how cruel the life is and how awful it is and how i just couldnt ever think it could get that bad. its just all of my failures they are so random and its not even my fault in any of those! and as i told u my mind again tries justify everything that is happening to me like no just think ab it!! no way it can be this awful right? no way this all could happen to u just like this and without a happy ending! yes it can and yes it happened and im tired of expecting something good to happen to me i just want to die pls why do i have parennts it would be so much easier. i would love to leave this hell and so study to europe but we already spent SO much money on only this first semester so i cant even imagine how can i justify going back home in my head, in front of my relatives. i hate myself

[agentlemansavage]

I'm frustrated today.

I stopped depending on people so i could get the shit down that I needed to do to improve. I stopped caring if i had someone to go to the gym with and just fucking did it. I stopped caring about if people were gunna do XYZ and would start without them. For the first time in a long time i was being selfish because i needed to be better in life.

Now i work out 4 to 5 times a week. I practice spanish and study cyber security at night and still make time for myself to game or to write. I'm still in therapy and im working on some other health issues.Suffice to say I'm doing okay. Last night i got a little drunk and messaged her knowing nothing good could come of it. She still isnt ready but the things i got to find out and the things she told me don't sit well with me.

Starting with we were never good for eachother. I was never able to make the changes i listed above until she came around. I tried to make sure she was drinking water, took her meds, i tried to set a healthy bedtime because we both had a habit of staying up late, i helped encourage you to workout, i gave you advice (maybe not the best) when it came to your career. Yet we were never good for eachother, i will be the first to admit I'm not perfect, hell even with all my changes i have a long fucking way to go. That's bullshit and you thanked me multiple times for being patient for standing by you, you told me I made you better too. So to tell me otherwise now felt like a straight slap to the face.

Ever since you came off birth control you're a completely different person towards me. That's not an understatement either, you are a completely different person from the one i started talking to in how you act, in how you think, in what you believe. You dont even fight for the things you told me you would, you dont work through the issues you promised you would. I know i made mistakes and i even lashed out (understandably I think) when you started to just give up. I kept my promises, im still here and you promised to never leave and you're nowhere to be found. Even the person I talked to last night wasn't you.

You told me you wanted to fix some things, like a habit you have which you told me from the beginning is why you wanted space. You wanted the courage to end your last relationship on your own or you'd have blamed me in part. I guess you never broke that habit because you did the same thing since you told me last night you started talking to a new person while we were figuring it out. While I was working on your Christmas gifts and telling you I loved you, you were letting someone steal you away.

So yeah I'm frustrated with myself, with you, with the situation. None of this should have happened. the worst part is I can't do anything about it, so instead on one of the few days off I get I can't focus on anything, I can't even sleep, and I'm still in a situation where I'm pining for someone who wants nothing to do with me right now.

To say I feel pathetic is an understatement.

[bubsub69]

Entry 2

14/05/2023 22:47

Well might as well start all entries with how my sleep schedule is, i had an afternoon nap so i might not sleep enough tonight but better than being up at 4am because i tried going to sleep at like 11pm and it went horribly wrong.

Reason for writing today? well while before looking at cute couple stuff like hugging and cuddling would make me cry now a porn video that wasnt even my first time watching made me cry because the couple seemed really happy and having a good time even though the girl was probably laughing cause she ruined the dudes orgasm on his face (video: https://www.redgifs.com/watch/quaintelderlyvireo#rel=tag%3Aruined-orgasm%2Cchastity%2Ca;order=trending)

I guess i should start with yesterday, with the blessing of the folders/briefcases whatever, it was as bad as expected so at least not worse than expectations, a very late start as a lot of people expected followed by a walk a queue to sit down, a small sermon and then speeches from each course. The worst part honestly might have just been the sun, it was blazing hot and i think i got sick from it, my nose was extremely fucked last night and still kinda is. After that we went to have lunch at a crisp 3pm and the food arrived at like 4, thank god my body has a high hunger resistance or i mightve killed someone, i spent a lot of time at the restaurant but at least i got to be with my cousin so it was actually pleasant, at the end we went to the lake garden to take some pictures for some reason and then went home (the for some reason comes from the fact we already had like 40 photos on the camera alone and went to take more).

idk why i wanted to write down what happened yesterday this was supposed to be more about emotions than story but oh well who can stop an autist from rambling.

But going to aforementioned (wow that was the word whos spelling i really had to look up, why am i spellchecking a personal diary? cause fuck you i want to, anyway another autistic rambling aside) emotions, those ribbons made me feel kinda weird when i reread them cause everyone was saying congrats on the hard work and for beating this challenge but i feel like its undeserved cause its not like i put a huge amount of effort studying, i barely passed some stuff which is definetly something im not proud of but yeah i feel like i slacked off most of the year even though ive never missed classes or failed to deliver a project, i guess im just associated with the studying part of school instead of this which is better honestly, even if i get stressed like now where i have a shit ton of stuff to do and am over procastinating as usual, but yeah, a lot of good jobs for a meh performance feels kinda weird.

But enough about school heres an update on D, today is sunday which matches the same day as the day of the call so how was her availability? well she gave me a maybe and then said that apparently her visa is expiring and shes super stressed out, well that seems like something way too complex for an excuse/lie so i believe her more but yeah her moving again is definetely going to make her busy again so i guess no calls for me.

Really feeling like a piece of shit that thats all the care i can muster for it, shes like about to get formally deported and im out here complaining shes too busy for me, and the worst is i decided to get a keyholder on chaster just to satisfy me, it feels like cheating i dont know why, we had some mild texting and a call and ive already like fallen in love and feel like a traitor, but i guess im tired of waiting and it might be for the best to move on if she just wants to stay an acquaintance (well new record for biggest spelling blunder), but yeah i feel like im giving up too soon cause i really liked her and just moving on feels really bad but what can i do when she doesnt show any interest, i mean not only does she not text back she also hasnt asked anything about me, which i guess is kinda fair for most boring person in the world whos hobbies are gaming and youtube, yippy, i guess ill wait again, this time im gonna do a week of no texting to see if she ever sends me something, she will be busy with the moving so she probably wont but oh well whatcha gonna do, not like shed say yes to a call in these circumstances either, i still wish i could help her but i dont think i can just ask dad if he has a contact with the visa man to hurry her process, but i did imagine that cenario

I guess switching to a different type of emotion to put some variety in this yesterday i fucked up the gamepads usb port out of anger but i think i tricked my parents by saying i saved the computer from falling, and on other hardware problem news theres a screw that i think broke the plastic around it so know the case keeps disconnecting from the rest. This was a shitty story but at least its not all about being sad and lonely

Well a bit of a blunder of an ending but oh well heres entry two, if the lady i messaged to be my keyholder replies the update will be here:

[rrxnjun]

I ACTUALLY YELLED SEEING LIEBESTRAUM WAHHHHH;-;-;;-;-;-;-;; THANK U SO MUCH FOR WRITING IT I CANT WAIT TILL JUNE;-;;-;-; i cannottttt tell u how happy u actually made me with that wahhdhfjf

OOO MAN☹️☹️I HOPE UR MENTAL HEALTH WILL GET BETTER!!!! AND U DONT SUCK!!! TAKE UR TIME WITH IT u shouldn't listen to them when ur not in the mood for them it will deff ruin the vibes so take all the time u need!!!!

i agree with that the only good noise music i listen to now is all from nct and when i hear other bgs' i'm just😟😟😟 IM SURE HE WAS AMAZING CUZ ALL OF THEM WERE🤌🤌 the song genuinely slaps so i'm not surprised if it makes it in there

well idk people said i study a lot so i just accepted the fact but i never feel prepared enough so;-; tbh the percentage is lower just to pass💀 but i need the plus point for uni and that's the limit for getting it but yeah i feel like it shows that hungary does not go for making people smarter lmao💀 I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE POINT LIMITS FOR GETTING INTO UNI wahhh the whole thing is dumb🫠 thank u!!!! i have three more speaking exams so i'm shitting my pants rn😃OH NO☹️ i hope u passed the second one exams suck so i hope it didn't hit u hard!!!! GOOD LUCK WITH THEM!!! IM SURE U WILL DO GOOD ON THEM!! MANIFESTING SO HARD!!!! I HOPE U ARE DOING WELL AND ARE TAKING CARE OF URSELF!!!! (liebestraum anon💓💕)

(the review reply: art sucks for that reason sm;-; but i deff learned after a few times of that happening with me as well to just sleep on it and throw it out after but it still amuses me how can art have this effect in a way (idk how to explain what i mean rip) AND THANK U FOR NOT HATING IT U JUST MADE ME THE HAPPIEST PERSON ISTG!!!)

IM REPLYING TO THIS ASK LITERALLY SO LATE THAT THE FIC IS DROPPING TOMORROW LMAO ADJSK i have to warn u tho its quite different to the original draft i had and the teaser i posted from it 😶😶 hope you still end up liking it !!!

SJSJ thank you thank you 😔😔 you are always so sweet and understanding ily mwah.

nct noise is the only good noise in kpop. there i said it. 😶 (this is a joke there are a few more good noise songs from diff groups pls dont jump me im targeting one fandom in specific w this yes) like nct could do any of your favs songs but could your favs do sticker? no. thats right.😌 AHHH im glad u liked my babies cix i was told by spotify that they are my top listened to artist of the last 4 weeks so. 😃 yeah. they also had a comeback like 2 days ago if u wanna check that out cough cough

if people tell u that, its probably true AHAHA 😭😭 me and my friend were talking the other day like i dont even study that much like i get to the 2 hour mark and i go well 🤷‍♀️ thats it for the day ig. like i dont have any more brain capacity LMAO. Oooh i do get you w the uni points stuff!! me being a straight A student was what got me into uni too bc switching from business hs to psychology was actually kind of insane coming from me LMAOOO i had no bonus points from biology or anything so my grades helped a TON since i fucked up the entrance exam too lol 😭😭😭 im rooting for you !!!! I feel like slovakia doesnt really care abt that either ?? there are definitely better and worse unis tho and i unfortunately attend the one thats one of the best so they kinda care..😔 SPEAKING EXAMS ARE THE WORST THEY SHOULD BE CANCELLED LIKE THATS 3 TIMES THE STRESS U HAVE WHEN TAKING A WRITTEN ONE. i hate those sm omg i am PRAYING for you (i have only one speaking one this semester and i am mentally preparing for it for the last few weeks) i actually passed the second try (with an E, but i still did it....) and i have another exam w the same professor this friday so..🤞

i am trying to learn how to be patient w art (and life) so it prevents me tearing everything out and throwing it out.....so you are right abt that AHAHA thats a good advice to take

as always i hope youre doing good, taking care of yourself and having a good time!! mwah