#not exactly a diary entry format-wise but i guess it is in its essence ...

[mainfaggot]

summary of today (sept. 30th '24)

- admired the sunlight and shadows while sitting on the bus this morning. also, felt as though i was sticking out like a sore thumb due to my haircut and outfit. sat up straighter and lifted my chin up. #fakeittillyoumakeit

- couldn't concentrate on studying after my psych research lab. i was just so on edge. my face, ears, neck were all so warm and i couldn't sit still. my head was aching slightly and my jaw was all stiff. sighs were constantly escaping my mouth and i couldn't help it. i think the lack of sleep and being socially drained from last night were getting to me.

- managed to get some of my readings done for around an hour. linguistics was okay. experienced some moments of Satisfaction (teacher's pet moments. lol) followed by.... a sense of disillusionment. i caught myself wondering if putting all this pressure on myself was worth it; i stress myself out, and yes, i end up performing well in class ... but even that doesn't feel Good Enough to me at the end of the day. im always disappointed in myself because an 89 isn't a 90, a 94 isn't a 95, and a 98 isn't 100, etc. anyway, i felt so fucking stupid for allowing my performance in class to have such a grip on my mood and self worth.

- talked to one of the white gayboys (there are two!) after the spanish linguistics lecture ended. he seemed very eager to talk shit about the other white gayboy. funny thing (not funny)... i was the one who started the shit talking... i don't know why i did that. i think i just wanted to talk about anything but the actual course. still, i should have talked about idk!!!! coffee orders or the weather!!!! instead of shading some gayboy who glared in my direction one (1) time. it was childish on my part, i think.

- felt like crying on the bus home. felt better when i was finally home. felt like crying after getting changed. felt better when my mom said something nice to me. felt like crying while folding laundry. felt better after. felt like crying again. and now we're here.