#but if keeping my job means letting them treat me like a second class citizen then I don’t even want the fucking job!

[tyrianlynch]

When ur disabled and ur bosses start being shitty to u and it’s very clearly bc theyre annoyed ur disabled and everyone in ur life is like “oh we’ve all dealt with bosses being shitty” but they don’t get the huuuuge different between bosses being shitty and bosses being shitty purely bc ur disabled

[empathetic]

Honestly I don’t think people in leftist communities are talking nearly enough about cis women’s issues anymore. And I don’t mean cis as in relation to trans women, I’m saying cis women in reference to the fact that misogyny and patriarchy are very real things that do affect cis woman on the basis of their sex. And this shouldn’t be a controversial or TERF-y thing to say because it’s literally true.

From a personal experience as an Indian woman raised Muslim: a few years ago, two of my female cousins my age who live in India had to get married as soon as their dad passed unexpectedly because their mom was unable to get her own education to provide for the family, and they needed the support of potential husbands. My cousins were 19 and 20 when they got married. The 19 year old has barely turned 22 and already has 2 children. She had to stop going to school and her entire life is about her marriage, kids, and family. And another cousin said that her husband doesn’t let her watch TV so she has to watch when he’s not home. And when I went to india I’ve had every single woman I’ve met and talked to for more than a minute in passing ask me when I’m getting married. For fucks sakes my grandma even tried to arrange marriages for me without my permission and I’m barely turning 22 this month, and wants me to try to marry my fucking COUSIN so that i can be further controlled.

I had a convo w my mom about how rampant misogyny is in her home city in india. How she was asked what her husbands name was so she could pick up her own medicine from the pharmacy, and she asked “why do you need that information?” so the guy at the counter then asked her (a 50 year old woman) for her FATHERS name. About the women she and I know.. women who had to quit their jobs because their husbands don’t want them working, even if it means that there is less income to provide for their families because the husbands a deadbeat and still expects his wife to do all the domestic labor for him too while he literally does nothing. Women who are forced to lose their entire lives for their families and husbands’ patriarchal expectations and have children they didn’t truly want or stop going to school. Women who can’t get a divorce from abusive men because it will deem them worthless and damaged so nobody will want to marry them or even their daughters.

Women who can’t go out alone or without a man because they’ll get harassed or assaulted by men. Women who wear niqab or burqa because they get harassed and assaulted by men, but it not mattering because the men already know what their body shape looks like and what their eyes look like and what shoes they wear. Women who get assaulted anyways. Women who are made to believe that they need to cover up and be ashamed of themselves because men are perverted monsters that can’t help but rape every woman he could get his hands on. Women who don’t know what marital rape is because it’s completely normalized and that’s just what sex is, right? Women who are abused by their husbands when they don’t meet their demands, sexual or not, and comply because they don’t want to keep getting beaten or berated. Women who are deemed impure when they’re on their periods. Women who are constantly treated like second class citizens, born as property of their fathers and then passed on as property of their husbands, because they are just seen as baby-making machines and sex dolls.

And there is obviously so much more than this.. this is purely what I’ve seen and dealt with personally. And it’s infuriating that it seems like nobody ever really wants to talk about this because it’s somehow controversial to even acknowledge that cis women are treated as inferior to men under patriarchy due to their biological sex. They are treated as inferior because they have vaginas that can be penetrated and uteri that can carry a fetus. This is how patriarchy operates in the first place, whether we like it or not. In an ideal world, patriarchy wouldn’t exist and we wouldn’t have to think of cis women’s oppression on the basis of their genitalia and reproductive organs because.. well.. that oppression wouldn’t exist. But it does! And so we might as well fucking talk about it and find ways to empower women who are unable to do so. There’s more we can do besides online discourse that such women can’t even participate in because they aren’t even allowed to!!!

[girlmeetsliv3]

Lilies of the Valley I

A/B/O!BTS x Reader

Flowers can have different meanings depending on the flower’s shape, color, and method in which they are presented. Lilies are my favorite for such a simple flower can have so many distinct meanings.

Chapter One: Hatred & Pride

“Lilies are considered a beautiful, popular flower but the orange variations actually symbolize hatred, pride, and disdain.”

Release Date: 05/18/20 @ 7 pm

next

 YN stumbled haphazardly into her apartment, as she tried to kick off heels and steer her way into her apartment's small bathroom. In her hand lay a crumpled up business card that scorched her skin, yet she couldn't let go of it. As she reached the bathroom, she flickered the yellow lighting on and stared at herself in the dirty mirror. Mascara and eyeliner were smudged making her resemble a panda, a frown etched between her brows, and colored lips turned downward. It was not her wretched appearance that had her sorrowful, but rather the bite that was visible right where her neck met her shoulder. It looked fresh, harsh red marks that displayed to the world that she was taken. "What a fucking lie."

She took off her makeup and jumped into the shower scrubbing off every trace she could of the alpha. Not wanting his scent permeating on her body any longer, then it would truly prove people's perception of her to be true. A small ding as she was exiting the shower alerted her towards her phone.

           Mark Lee: Sorry about how I acted. I just don't understand, but I don't think we should see each other anymore.

"Great," YN grumbled. There went another one that she'd managed to drive away. It would be a lot easier if she could simply date someone like her - not that it would ever be allowed. Still, there would be less judgment and she wouldn't have to feel like a let down to society or her family every time a holiday passed and she failed to present with a mate. "Fuck society." Though truly it was more like fuck Jeon Jungkook. None of this would've happened if it weren't for the alpha and his hormones. Truly none of this would've happened if his mates kept a tighter grip on the newly presenting alpha, but she couldn't blame the others for his mistake.

           On second thought, fuck them all. Why the fuck are sub-genders a thing anyway? This wasn't the first time said thoughts had filled her head. Presenting as an Omega in a family full of beta's had been difficult, not to mention the events that followed afterward. YN dragged her feet into her bed, thankful for once that she lived in such a small apartment that things were never so far apart. Though her current apartment was about the size of the kitchen in her parent's home, she couldn't complain. Few people rented unmated omegas. She was lucky that her landladies were two female betas with small children. YN doesn’t have anything against alphas but she’s aware enough to know how they perceive her: a means to an end rather than a human being. Or half of one at the very least.

           Her cell phone screen lit up again, but YN was far too tired to check it. Until it stayed on as a plethora of messages appeared. Rolling her eyes, YN grabbed her phone and unlocked it planning to send to hell whoever sent so many messages this late at night.

           Unknown: Please consider it.

           Unknown: I know you blame me for a lot of things and it is my fault, but I’d like to fix things.

           Unknown: or help at the very least.

           Unknown: Please just answer me.

           Unknown: I’m very sorry. You know I am. It was a mistake, I was presenting and couldn’t control myself. Please YN.

           Unknown: You’re my mate.

YN slammed her phone down on her bed with tears in her eyes. She regretted ever going on the date tonight, regretted ever meeting Jungkook, regretted presenting as an Omega. YN regretted being alive. She knew others felt the same way, she'd seen the look in her father's eyes when he had gone to the police station. None of this would've ever happened if she were a beta. YN would be able to get a good education, a good job, a decent place to live. She wouldn't be treated like a third-class citizen because of her sub-gender - she would just be YN. The way she'd been in school before all this happened. The way she spent seventeen years of her life living. Sobs racked throughout her body and she bit into her arm to keep the sound from reaching her neighbors. She didn't want to get into any more trouble tonight.  

           Exhaustion eventually won over and YN slipped into a restless sleep, plagued by the events of her past and the ones that occurred a few hours earlier.

          “So there was nothing you did in high school? No clubs or anything like that?”

YN shook her head, shrugging slightly. "I helped some teachers, dabbled in a couple of things but wasn't like the head cheerleader or class president." Tentatively she reached for her drink, making sure Mark didn't notice her smelling it for anything. It wasn't that he wasn't nice, but one could never be too careful. Mark laughed, "Alright you got me there, but I'll let you know the only reason I became class president is that I promised I'd get us a pool."

           “How did that work out?”

           “Terrible. The school was convinced our stupid asses would drown or something. Can’t say it wasn’t true.”

           YN giggled, taking another bite of her food. Mark was cute and he seemed aware of things, enough to not try too hard. He hadn’t asked to pick her up or asked about exes, he’d agreed to meet at the restaurant and even arrived early. Then again it might also be because they have a friend in between and it was Rosé who’d set them up together. “So YN what school did you go to?” Mark leaned forward resting his face in his hands. The warm lighting in the restaurant cast a nice glow on his features, it made him look more attractive. Or perhaps the alcohol had finally set in.

           “I went to Yeong-gwang Academy.” As soon as YN uttered the name Mark’s eyes widened exponentially. “No way, I’ve heard about that school. Isn’t it like a rich kid central or something? Wait didn’t you go to school with the Kims?!” It was an involuntary reaction the way she shivered whenever she heard that name, but her date must not have noticed. He stood waiting for her confirmation and all it took was a curt nod, for the man to begin rambling about all the rumors he’d heard over the years. It was difficult to keep up with them all, but she did manage to correct a few.

           “Haven’t you guys been ranked number one school in Korea for like thirty years or something?”

           “I think it’s only twenty.”

           “I heard all your sports teams are national champions.”

           “We only really had like five or so.”

           “Don’t you have the largest private collection of flowers in Asia?!”

           “Um, it’s Lilies and I think that’s an exaggeration.”

On and on it went, YN was now beginning to regret opening her mouth. She'd heard of Academy fans before, but it was mainly people who wanted to go there and couldn't or alumni. The way Mark spoke about it made her seem like she was an olympiad or a part of history. The date was drawing to an end, YN couldn't help but feel disappointed but it could have gone worse. Mark could have seen her mark and it would've caused conflict, hearing the boy ramble about her school was the lesser of the two evils.  

           It was when YN lifted her drink to her lips that she sensed it. A hint of musk and the smell of fresh linen, she couldn’t explain how she knew it was him. It was almost instinctual the fear that spread throughout her. As discreetly as she could, YN cast a glance around the room trying to find him almost exhaling with relief when she didn’t. It’s probably a mistake.

           “Hey isn’t that Kim Jungkook right there?”

It was said a little too loudly, just enough that YN knew he'd heard it. It didn't take long for her to feel eyes peering at her, goosebumps rose through her arms. Her bite began to throb and YN could feel her heart skip a beat. Mark's eyes focused on him and eventually crawled up, letting her know the alpha was approaching. Now the scent hit her entirely, shaking her to her core. YN gripped the table to steady herself but found that near impossible when the alpha kept sending his pheromones at her.  

"Does there seem to be a problem here?" His voice had deepened over the years, no longer the voice of a teenager but that of a man.

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to call your name so loudly. Um, I'm Mark Lee. A pleasure to meet you." Mark turned his attention towards YN expecting her to acknowledge Jungkook or greet him as a classmate. YN couldn't. She couldn't look at him. It didn't help that there was a tense atmosphere between the two, the tension was palpable and it seemed Mark had enough.

           “Aren’t you going to greet him, YN?”

           Greet the man responsible for everything wrong in my life, sure. Yn’s eyes trailed upwards from the table to Jungkook’s face until her warm eyes met his golden ones. As YN parted her lips to speak, she felt it: the heat spreading throughout her body. An uncontrollable feeling that raked throughout her body. The fucker was trying to trigger a pseudo-heat. Instantly YN’s grip tightened on the table, her fingertips becoming white as she fought with nature to keep control over herself.

           “Do you two know each other?” It seems Mark was catching on and truly she couldn’t blame him if he misunderstood. She would too if the roles were reversed. Suddenly Jungkook turned to face Mark, holding his hand out to greet him.

           “I’m Kim Jungkook, her mate.”

"What?! No, he isn't. Don't listen to him, Mark." Her outcry had caused quite a few patrons to turn her way, now all paying close attention to what was happening.

"Uh -" Jungkook quickly interceded whatever Mark was going to say. "Did you not notice her mark? Or do you make a habit of seeking mated people?" At this a few people gasped, Mark looked between the two of them confused. YN snapped, "It's a partial bond. It was never completed so it doesn't mean anything." Her words only confused Mark even more. Whispers from surrounding tables began to reach her ears and it only fueled YN's rage more. This was all a big misunderstanding, but Jungkook was thriving off it. Mark and YN's eyes met as she silently pleaded with him to listen to her.

"Hey beta," Jungkook snapped his fingers together, "look at me." YN should've known she'd lost then and there. As a beta, it was impossible to resist the order of alpha, not to mention one that exuded the stench that Jungkook did.

           “You know who I am right?” Mark nodded, eyes wide as if aiming to please. “Then you know don’t you? You know…” When Mark looked back at her, there was sympathy in his eyes. “I’m sorry YN.” was all the beta said before standing up and walking away. YN had so many things to say, so many more explanations, but they all died in her tongue.

           Jungkook tsked, “What an asshole. Could’ve at least paid for the meal.” That was the final strand for YN, she gathered her stuff and threw all the money she had down on the table. Walking fast out of the restaurant trying to avoid the judgemental stares directed towards her, she swore some people hissed at her under their breaths. Once outside YN leaned against the side entrance of the restaurant trying to steady her breath and stop the incoming tears.

"YN. Hey!" Jungkook raced out the front, staring around panicked until his gaze landed on her. YN tried to walk away, but his long legs gave him an advantage and he reached her in a few steps. "Please YN. I'm sorry, I just- I couldn't control myself." YN rolled her eyes, trying to push the alpha aside.  

           “No please YN look.” His hands gripped her forearms and tugged her close to him. “I’ve been trying to find you, we’ve been trying to find you. But you disappeared off the map.”

           “That’s because of you. I left because of you.” YN tried to get him to release her arms, but his hold was too tight. “Wasn’t it enough for you? Isn’t it enough for you? You ruined my life and my reputation Jungkook. The least you could do is leave me alone.” She was begging at this point, trying to make him see reason.

           “I can’t leave you alone, YN. You’re my mate.”

           “You already have mates Jungkook. Fucking six of them! How could you want more?!”

           “It isn’t like that and you know it. You’re all our mates. You're the pack omega, you just don’t see it yet.”

           This wasn’t the first time Jungkook had tried to excuse his behavior by using the pack bond. Yes, it was true all seven of them shared it but that didn’t mean she did too. “Omega’s don’t have the pack bond, Jungkook. Stop trying to lie.” YN couldn’t see what he gained from this.

           “I’m not lying. It’s rare but it happens, please if you just speak to Namjoon you’ll see-”

           “Leave me alone Jungkook.” YN mustered all her strength and managed to finally push him off. The alpha looked shocked at her display of aggression, YN strongly desired to hit him but knew it wouldn’t end well if she triggered his instincts. “I’d rather die alone than be mated to you.” YN could see the spear driven through the boy’s heart because she felt something similar go through hers. YN let out a shaky breath, she leaned over resting on her knees for fear of falling over.

"I get it. I'm sorry, I ruined your date. I embarrassed you in front of all those people and that wasn't right. I'm sorry YN, I truly am. For everything, I've ever done to you. But it doesn't change the truth. You know this isn't something I can lie about: you are my mate. Our mate."

YN groaned and went to walk away, knowing that there wouldn't be an end to Jungkook's madness. As she walked past the shaken alpha, he grasped her hand placing something in it. "If you ever need anything, don't hesitate, please." YN didn't even spare him a look as she walked away. It wasn't until she could no longer smell him that YN broke down, her body shaking as she tried to hold it all in. She was still in a public place and a vulnerable omega might draw unwanted attention. YN took a deep breath and steadied herself. Heading straight to her apartment and refusing to look back.

           A loud abrupt ringing awoke YN from her sleep, she jumped so high she practically touched the ceiling. Grabbing the phone, she saw Rosé’s contact picture pop-up on the screen. It was rare for her to call, especially since it was nearly six a.m.

           “Hey.”

           “YN? Oh my god.” Rosé’s tone was panicked and YN could hear the way she panted. “Someone broke into my apartment while I was sleeping.”

           “What?! Are you alright?!” YN jumped out of bed and raced to put on pants and hoodie, before grabbing her keys and wallet. “Where are you?”

           “I’m at the police station. I couldn’t see very clearly, but they’re looking at security cam footage from around the area to figure out who it is.”

           “I’m on my way. Did you call Lucas?” Lucas was Rosé’s foster sibling, his husband worked in the police and was certain to make the whole process smoother.

           Rosé hesitated, “He isn't answering. Please come, I’m here alone and I-”

           “It’s alright I’ll be there soon I promise.” YN had managed to wave down a cab and told him to drive as quickly as he could.

The sight of her best friend in tears triggered something innate in YN. She pulled Rosé into a hug and refused to let her go, terrified at the thought of what could have happened to her friend. "It's alright, I'm here." Rosé dug her head into YN's neck using her scent to calm her nerves and trying to muffle her cries. Already she could feel the sympathetic stares of some of the officers. Out of the corner of her eye, YN saw someone approaching his bloodshot eyes, and the tall way in which he stood made it seem like he owned the place.

"I told you to call your mate, not your girlfriend." He remarked voice dull yet mocking. Rosé stepped away from YN turning towards him, "I don't have a mate and my brother isn't answering." Her tone was meek and eyes were downcast, YN knew she wasn't a confrontational person and this event likely further caused her to become more introverted. The cop rolled his eyes, "Where is your mate then?" He turned his attention towards YN, now she could see the name inscribed on his uniform: Officer Hwang. "I don't have one." Her tone was too blunt, YN knew she could see the way his eyebrows raised at it.

           “Don’t lie to me, I can see your mark.”

           “I don’t have a mate.”

Annoyance was now visible in Hwang's tone before his eyes widened. "Ah, now I get it." The officer turned back towards one of his colleagues and called out, "Bo, it seems we have a cat house on our hands." Rosé's eyes widened and YN spoke quickly, words tumbling out of her mouth. "No. You're misunderstanding." Bo had already stood up from his desk and was making his way towards them.  

           “Ladies if you could please follow me.”

The two of them were talking over each other trying to explain the situation, but the officers had made up their minds about what was occurring. YN cast a glance around the room trying to find anyone who could help them, but everyone kept their eyes downward. They'd been titled as prostitutes and it would be difficult to change people's minds. Officer Bo guided them, pushed would've been a better term, towards the basement where the holding cells were.

           “Please sir, you’ve misunderstood.”

           Officer Hwang shrugged, a cruel smirk on his face. “Call your alpha then and everything will be solved.” YN resigned herself as they were dragged downstairs and locked up.

Rosé and YN were separated in different cells while a guard stood watching. Tears streamed endlessly down her best friend's face, whilst YN told herself that hers were tears of frustration rather than humiliation at everything that had occurred tonight. Eventually, as they hit the two-hour mark the guard spoke up, "I'd call your mates if I were you. The boarding house bus swing's by at nine." Both omegas stilled in fear at his words. YN turned towards Rosé, "Ro can't you try your brother?" She was pleading with her friend, but Rosé shook her head. "He won't come." There was something she wasn't telling her, but YN figured now was not the moment to press it.

           “Don’t you know someone who can help YN? What about Mark?”

Mark would be no help, considering everything that went down at the date it would be a further embarrassment to ask him to come to pick her up at the station. If he even answered that is. Unless? No, there was no way. Her pride wouldn’t be able to take it.

            "Thirty minutes, girls."

It seemed as if fate was pushing her into a corner. YN had heard about what kind of things occurred to Omega's who were taken to the boarding house, it was not a nice place. It certainly didn't provide the comfort or protection that was promised to unmated troubled omegas. Hesitantly YN cleared her throat, "Can I please make a call?"

~ Please lmk if you would like to be added to the tag list. Thank you

[thebrownssociety]

Space Jam 2 AU [AKA Across The Serververse] Part 2.

Hey! Roxy Goth here. So, just a couple of quick note before we carry on, firstly -  from now on I think I’ll just have the title of this as ‘Across The Serververse’ and drop the Space Jam 2 AU bit. 

Secondly - I can’t remember exactly how Rhythm got the toons into the Servereverse, by that I mean if they literally just stepped into it, ALA Dom + LeBron or if they had to go into a spaceship like Marvin’s. 

So I’ve just done something that may or may not be right. Enjoy!

Warning: Swearing

*6 months later*

Pepe and Penelope were excited. After 6 awesome - but admittedly long - months they were finally coming back to Tune Town. As they had been last to be picked up last time it meant they were also last to be dropped off, so by this point they had the boat to themselves.

“Ah, mon leetle cherry-blossom.” Pepe said, embracing Penelope. “The other passengers, they have gone, which leaves a monsieur and a mademoiselle alone together. What do you suppose we do in ze short about of time we have?”

Penelope giggled and hugged him, but as she hugged him she got a view of their home world. “P-p-pepe-” She said, faintly.

Not liking the nervousness in his wife’s voice, Pepe turned and his jaw dropped.

Tune Town was deserted. There were no signs of life anywhere, tumbleweeds ambled lazily across the desert parts of it, while in the forest parts the trees had started to go somewhat wild. That had always been Elmer and Sam’s job [and Marvin’s, if he was around] to cut down the trees. So where were they?

Before either of them could really process what was going on, the trees started shaking with so so much force that Pepe and Penelope were inclined to cling to each other, despite the fact they were on a boat.

“What is it?” Penelope whispered.

“I don’t know.” Pepe said, forgetting to put on his French accent. 

Just then a small figure darted out of the trees and ran towards the beach. “Don't stop!” The voice of Bugs Bunny called. “Keep goin’!” They could see him properly now, running down the beach and along the jetty. When the boat got close enough the rabbit braced himself and jumped onto it, hitting the floor with so much force he became flat.

“Hey! You have to pay!” The boat-captain yelled, while Pepe shook Bugs so he became 2-D again.

The rabbit reached into hammerspace and pulled out a couple of notes before just hurling them at the captain with an impatient. “Dere, does dat cover it? Now-” He turned to his friends. “Am Oi glad ta see you two!”

Pepe and Penelope were to stunned to respond to that, there eyes taking in the rabbit’s appearance. His eyes were wild and excited, his chin had stubble on it, his fur was messy and unkempt and - the most worrying of all for Bugs Bunny - his ears were down. He had also seen fit to dress himself in a tramps outfit. 

Seeing his friends horrified look, Bugs looked down at himself and said. “Eh...I guess ya wanna know what happened, don’ cha?” Upon getting a nod Bugs yelled to the captain to ‘park it a moment!’ and - grabbing a torch out of nowhere - began with: “It all started a mere two weeks after you left meself, Daf and Elmer were practising our famous ‘Duck Season, Wabbit season’ routine, actually, ya know what? I’ll show ya in flashback. Hold on-” He put his hands to the side of his head and concentrated.

*Flashback starts*

“Duck season!” Bugs said, ripping down a poster,

“Wabbit season!” Daffy snapped, yanking down another poster.

“Duck season!”

“Wabbit season!”

“Duck-!”

Bugs was cut of in his witty comeback by Elmer suddenly sighing and sitting down on the grass.

Bugs and Daffy looked at each other in confusion, before simultaneously shrugging and sitting next to the hunter, one on each side of him. Bugs got a carrot out his hammerspace and took a bite. “Eh...what’s up, Hunter?”

“Sowwy.” Elmer said, tiredly. “I’m not feewing it today.”

“No prob-lemo!” Daffy said, before Bugs could speak. “What do you want to do? We could go to Australia!” He pulled down a backdrop of Australia, causing them all to sweat. “Or France!” He pulled down another backdrop and threw a string of onions round both his brothers necks. “Or England!” He pulled down another backdrop and grabbed a cup of tea out from hammerspace. “Justh name a place!”

Elmer, holding a cup of tea with a string of onions slung round his neck, looked wide-eyed and confused. “...Home?” He said, simply.

Daffy sighed and the backdrops fell around him. “Okay then. I suppose we’ve had enough for one day. Oh, Bugsy, Bugsy ol’ buddy, ol pal!” He slung an arm round the rabbits shoulders. “Might I enquire what you are making for dinner?”

“Eh...ya can ask.” Bugs said nonchalantly.

As Daffy started to try and barter his way into a good dinner, the scene switched to the middle of Tune Town, where a tall, black, slightly shimmering man was talking to the other LT’s.

Bugs’s eyes narrowed and he marched towards them, yelling. “Hey! Who de hell are you? Dis is a private island, ya know!”

“I am Al-G-Rhythm.” The guy said, smoothly. “I am Warner Bros newest mode of technology. The link between all of your worlds. The Serververse. No longer will you have to travel between world like a second-class citizen, you can all live in one place together.”

“An’ dis benefits us...how?” Bugs asked, not believing all this for a second.

“You get to expand your horizons. Actually go into other characters worlds. You can explore, who knows? Maybe even rebrand-”

“Eh...I don’t think so.” Bugs said, confidently. “We’ve done enough ‘rebranding’ over de past few years. We’re all good here.” The other toons nodded along with him. 

“That’sh what YOU think!” Daffy said, dramatically poking Bugs in the chest. “I for one would LOVE to spread my wings!”

“Eh...jus’ talk ta Warner Bros, Daf. I’m sure they can get you a role spoofing some of de other properties.” Bugs said, easily.

“Of course.” AL-G-Rhythm purred. “With the offer I’M making you you can go anywhere and be whoever you want to be. All of you.” He added, seeing the other Looney Tunes beginning to look interested. “Anything and anywhere you want to be. I mean, let’s face it, you’ve all done so much for this stup - I mean, Warner Brothers over the years, isn’t it time you cut loose and had some fun?”

Bugs’s eyes narrowed. The Looneys were perfectly capable of having fun without needing to go across the serververse, thank you very much. He looked around, expecting to see his family with similar expression, but instead they were all talking to each other about it and sounding...excited?

“I can take you anywhere you want to go.” Rhythm said, his voice raising a little above the noise. “Hogwarts, Austin Powers, Matrix, you name it, WB have probably done something with it at some time. And if you wanted to go back in time, no problem, we still have the Paramount Pictures stuff on a different planet.”

“Reawwy?” Elmer -who was a big fan of The [original] Addams Family - asked.

Rhythm smiled. “Reawwy - eh, really. All you have to do is step into the serververse...” He stepped to one side and a suddenly a glowing door appeared from nowhere. “...And you can go anywhere you want. Now...who’s with me?”

The other Looneys looked tempted, they really did.  But after a shared glance and one of those ‘telepathic conversations’ they were so good at, Porky shook his head and said, politely but firmly. “T-th-thanks for t-t-the offer, Mr R-r-rhythm, but if it’s all the sa-the sam - makes no difference to you, we’ll stay here.”

The other looneys nodded.

Al-G-Rhythms eyes grew hard and his voice dropped to a baritone level as he said. “Well...don’t say I didn’t try and do it the nice way.”

Before any of the toons could ask what he meant though, Rhythm raised his hands and every toons except Bugs was lifted in the air, all with various shouts of surprise.

Bugs heart pounded as he looked at his family's frightened faces - some of them were clearly in pain - and he yelled. “Let ‘em go! Take me if ya hav’ ta!”

The other Looneys all started yelling at him not to do it, that it was a stupid idea. Rhythm looked at the grey rabbit and seemed to be considering it. Then he shrugged and - with a dramatic swoop of the arms -  made all of Bugs family disappear. 

“NNNNNNOOOOOO!” Bugs yelled and kind of did a little dance where he tried to go to one side, then the other, but realised that unlike his cartoons he had no idea what had just happened. “A’ight Buster.” Bugs growled. “What the fuck have you done with my family?”

“Oh!” Rhythm said, with false innocence and Bugs’s fist itched to punch him. “That was your family? Oh...I had no idea. From the way you treat them I thought it was the ‘Bugs Bunny’ show.”

“Yeah, a’ight, ya made ya point. Now bring ‘em back!”

“And where would the fun be in that?” Rhythm smirked, then became deadly serious. “Now listen to me ‘wabbit’ and listen carefully, course I ain’t sayin’ this again. I have sent your assistants-”

“-Brothers and sisters you mean.” Bugs corrected.

Rhythm looked surprised. “You consider Lola Bunny a sister? I thought you were dating.”

“Eh...” Bugs waved a hand. “That’s in canon Doc. This is ‘off-stage’ so ta speak.”

Rhythm hummed thoughtfully then - remembering he was supposed to giving a monologue - carried on with. “Whatever they are to you is no matter. The point is they are all spread across the servisverse and they’ve all been sent to random places that-” He laughed. “-Hell, even I don’t know! And YOU-” He pointed at Bugs. “-Have 6 months to find them and if you DON’T they will be deleted!” He started laughing hysterically.

“Eh...” Bugs said, left eye beginning to twitch. “Ya know Warner Bros have access to the servers as well and will realise we’re not in our world? They’ll then send us back.”

Rhythm scoffed. “You think I’m an idiot? I’ve thought of that - you wanna know how? Well, FORGET IT!” He suddenly bellowed, getting right in Bugs’s face. “I’m not going to tell you! You’ll have to figure it all out for yourself. but I’ll make it fair for you.” He said, voice taking on a soft, almost fatherly quality. “I promise that I won’t look at your progress until the last day, deal? Then you can’t say I’ve interfered. Deal?”

Bugs yelled his protestations at the top of his lungs, but Rhythm just laughed and disappeared back into the serververse. 

*End flashback*

After the end of that flashback it was safe to say Pepe and Penelope were quite shocked. They were still trying to get there head around the fact that all this had happened in the 6 mere months they’d been away, when they heard a strange sound and saw Bugs crying.

Penelope hushed him and Pepe offered him a handkerchief. Bugs blew into it noisily at exactly the same time the horn blew before handing it back to Pepe who looked at it in disgust and threw it over the side of the ship. 

“So what happened after that?” Penelope asked, fearing she already knew the answer. “Where are they?”

“Oi don’t know, okay!?” Bugs wailed. “I don’t know! Dere in different worlds somewhere, but I don’t know where and I don’t know how it works! Oi don’t know if they’ve just gone to the worlds, but without being able to shift so they stand out like a sore thumb or if they’re replacing someone else within dat world! In which case, where’s de character dere replacin’? Oi don’t know which worlds dere in, oi don’t know if dere safe or happy or bein’ tortured - I DON’T KN-!”

*SLAP*

Bugs blinked and felt the imprint Penelope’s hand had just left on him. “T’anks. Oi needed dat.”

“We weel get them back.” Pepe said, placing a hand reassuringly on Bugs’s shoulder. “Myself and Penelope will help you. We will not rest until out family, it iz complete!”

Bugs smiled shakily and wiped his eyes. “Well, dere’s one issue with dat-” Seeing his brother and sister’s curious look he gave a half-hysterical laugh and asked. “Well, why do you t’ink oi’m still here? Oi can’t get out. I’ve tried goin’ back through to Warner Bros central, oi can’t do it. The portal we use physically won’t let me through. Oi t’ink Rhythm has put some kind of block on me. To stop me leaving so oi can’t find da others. It’s de only thing that makes sense. An’ I’ve tried different versions of me as well from all across the years. King me, jester me, classic me, new me. I even tried Ace Bunny, dat’s how desperate oi was! I can’t leave-”

“-What about Chungus?” Penelope asked. Seeing the weird looks Pepe and Bugs were giving her she explained. “It sounds like Rhythm has put some sort of block on YOU. But...Big Chungus...he isn't technically a version of you, is he? He started out as a meme taken from when you were shape-shifting”

“He’s in ‘World of Mayhem.” Bugs said, doubtfully.

“Which is a game!” Penelope said, excitedly. “Not a tv show! Have you tried it? No? Well, give it a go!”

Feeling excited for the first time in 5 and a half months Bugs took a breath and started to shape himself into the monstrosity that was Big Chungus. When he had finished he smiled, leapt onto the mast and - donning a pirate hat and sword - yelled. “Full steam ahead! Warner Bros Central here we come!”

As the exit - aka the portal - that led to Warner Bros Central loomed over him Bugs felt nervous. ‘Please work, please work, please work-” He chanted under his breath. 

Then with a flash of blinding light, they went through. 

[free-boundsoul]

Pop quizzes are annoying, but you’re right, Freelancer. At least there’s no time to second-guess yourself. No I did not write out “my mom” on the test! Imagine if I did. That sounds like a bad joke or something… I put my mom’s name on the test. I wonder if the professor will notice our last names are the same. I’m always torn if I should tell people who my mom is. On one hand, I’m so proud of her for forging her own path and the policy changes she’s made to benefit humanborn citizens. On the other, I’m worried people will treat me differently if they know who my mom is, like if they treat me nicely, they’ll have some kind of perk or DUMP will let them off for a warning rather than write a ticket for little covert infractions. I mean, obviously that’s not the case. My mom wouldn’t even help me that one time I got a ticket. She’s not going to risk her job for one of my friends… What do you think I should do if the prof asks me?

Sounds perfect. I’m sure with a few tweaks of your alignment, you’ll be a regular gym rat. We definitely don’t want to risk anything happening to your back! Safety first, Freelancer. I bet you’ll enjoy it, especially once you see everything you can do without pain. Bluetooth is a good idea, but then it never fails that I lose one (or both) of the buds. And they are so much more expensive than just a pair of cheap, wired headphones, you know? I’m not sure why they fall out so much. Maybe I move my head too much. Or my ears are too big. Oh well. At least when you come along, I’ll have someone to talk to. Other days, I suppose I’ll just have the thoughts in my head to keep me company…

Yeah, Hux is just about the most in tune earth elemental I’ve ever seen. And that little make-shift greenhouse he’s made in his apartment? It’s incredible. Like walking in a forest. Hey, you should bring Eren there and let him, I don’t know, be a jungle cat or something.

Looks like Gavin and Hux passed. No big deal. I wouldn’t want to force them to sit through something like that. And, Lasko says he would go, but he’s holding office hours. But look, all three of them said yes for dinner! Perfect. Yeah, it is kind of fun when we all pile onto the couch for cartoons. Although, I don’t think I ever realized how messed up some of those cartoons are for kinds. Like, the depictions of violence are wildly graphic! Did no one ever stop to think kids would be consuming that? Hmm, my favorite cereal. Well, the cereal I eat most is 100% all-bran. It doesn’t taste great, but it’s healthy and is a good way to start the day. Based purely on taste though, I think I’ve got to go with Frosted Cheerios. They are SO sweet, but so good. I’ll let you in on a secret. I always keep some in my pantry. Not in the cupboard in the kitchen, but the actual pantry, just in case I get a craving for them. What about you?

-Damien

My inner gremlin thinks it would have been funny but my sense of humor is twisted. They might just think it's a coincidence? Some last names are common and people don't have to be related to have the same name. Growing up I had three people in school with the same last name and they weren't related. It caused a lot of confusion.

I can see why you wouldn't want to tell people. Some people might try to take advantage and get on your good side, just to try and gain favor with your mom. I can only imagine when you were growing up, if your classmates' parents found out and tried to get their kids to be friends with you because they wanted an in.

And wait...you got a ticket? For breaching covert? I'd love to hear that story. If you'd be comfortable telling me of course. And I'd say it'd be up to you, if you think they need to know. I know you'd rather pass your classes on your own merit rather than a professor fudging your grades because of who your mom is.

I'm going to make it a goal to be able to pick up all of you. I want to be strong enough to give the best hugs. Or carry one of you in case I need to. Oh, that's a good point, I've definitely had some moments of panic when one of the buds slipped through my fingers and fell somewhere I couldn't see. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to try my best to keep up with you and join you whenever possible. If you'd want me to of course, I wouldn't want to butt in if you really wanted to be left alone with your thoughts.

Oh I love all those plants he has growing! It's so cool seeing all that greenery when some things are dying in winter. I'd have to ask Hux if that'd be okay and make sure nothing would be poisonous to him if Hux said yes. Eren has a habit of eating any plant.

Haha, you were definitely right! It'll be fun to sit down to dinner with everyone. Oh right? Or the very adult scenes they sneak in that just fly over the kids' heads.

Oh, I can definitely make cereal bars from frosted cheerios! I have to agree that those are really good. My favorite changes around, but it's usually rice crispies. Or froot loops.

[haleviyah]

A Hispanic/ Latino Perspective: Border Clarification

This is one of the rare times I’m going to get somewhat political here, but these comments spread by the media are hitting to way close to home for me, so here I go.

Before you pounce on me, let me explain this: I am a moderate. I favor no sides, I don’t treat people by their titles but rather I prefer to judge by character even though I am not the best at it, admittedly. I favour and respect those who keep their word and own their mistakes. In short, if you do what you promise to do, you have my approval whereas if not, you will bear the brunt of my blunt rebukes and sarcastic remarks.

I am also from South Texas, specifically the Rio Grande Valley, and am a descendent of two humble Mexican families who since the Mexican Border War have made Texas their great escape and home.

Bit of a geographical reference, if you don’t know here where the Rio Grande Valley is. Look at the state of Texas, there is a bulge of state going in each direction that makes it look like a fat, lower-case ”t” : El Paso is the most West of the state, the Panhandle (Amarillo) the Northmost, Texarkana the most Eastward followed by Houston, and WAAAAAAY at the bottom is Brownsville and the Southernmost tip of Texas.

And for those of you too lazy to Google or "DuckDuckGo" the map yourself I've attached it:

The four counties: Hidalgo, Cameron, Starr and Willacy county make up the Rio Grande Valley. This is the region I grew up, the place where I experienced the best of a community and the worst of politics and failed promises.

For a bit of background: I have a parent working on the Border and they have been for many years (since I was a kid). Pretty much worked from a security officer to trooper within the span of a decade which is quite impressive and rare considering they never took bribes or anything to get where they were currently. They have told me off and on what their job is like. It’s crazy and boring some days, but also they have admitted somethings that may be fascinating. One of which is, yes, they do own horses and the reason why is so the Troopers can maneuver around tough terrain vehicles cannot go through (such as high water or narrow foot paths in brush). HOWEVER, they DO NOT OWN WHIPS. They don’t even own lassos, according to my Border Agent parent.

The only weapons agents on horse back have is a Glock, ammo, a taser, cuffs, and sometimes shot guns (but they prefer to carry light for the horses and themselves to be more flexible). They mainly carry items that would slow a person down or prevent them from hurting other people, officer or civilian; not for killing. So a whip is absolutely redundant or even absurd to have.

Those long ropes the Troopers are holding are called reins, and they are designed for steering a horse (horses cannot move opposite of the direction of their head; where their head is pointed they move in that direction). They are not made for whipping people, but rather made to get the horse’s attention. That’s it.

I took the liberty of highlighting the reins in red for you all as well as their arms and legs in blue and yellow in contrast to the reins and saddle.

It's clear from a Texan's or horse-riders perspective this Trooper almost fell off catching the other fellow and was holding onto the left rein for dear life hence why the horse looked distressed and its cheek was pulled back.

I'm not joking, you fucking try it if you're so damn horse-smart.

Now, let's look at a more relaxed position.

In short, if you haven't ridden a horse, I advise to keep your comments to yourself on this part. I have and it's way harder than it looks (horses can get cocky).

Second thing, the migrants.

Personally, I don’t know why they were so squirrelly that day. Perhaps they were spooked because they’ve never expected horse back riders to show up, maybe they had some bad experiences back home.

I don’t know!

But it’s clear there appears to be a lack of communication. Perhaps it’s the language barrier given that these guys came from Haiti, African countries and Brazil. English they probably know, but they probably don’t speak a lick of Spanish (Which both languages are mandatory for the Border Patrol).

(Again, I don't know...)

So the reasons why they started running circles around the Troopers’ horses is not for me to speculate, it’s not for YOU to defend blindly, nor is it up for the media to interpret and evangelize.

That should be left to the people to explain. No one else.

(Update: September 29th. I received a tip from a source that the Haitian immigrants (mainly) are not running from anything, they aren’t seeking asylum nor were in poverty as the media claims. They have admitted upon interview they were what we consider middle-low class and had no issues finding jobs before they decided to migrate northward. They’re just coming because they were told to come by “you-know-who”… that’s all. I know, I’m taken aback and scratching my head, too… but anyway. I digress, but do take note.)

Now, another bit of feedback I want to share: When it comes to dealing with Troopers (again, must I remind you this is a Border Patrol agent’s kid speaking), big rule:

DO NOT RUN nor MAKE THREATENING MOVEMENTS. Be calm.

It’s a simple rule, if you’re cool with the Troopers they’ll be cool with you. That’s it. Please respectfully keep in mind, these guys are trained to be safe rather than sorry. So patience and understanding with them is a must. Trust me, I’ve met my parent’s co-workers, they may look stoic and scary or condescending, but they can not let personal emotions interfere their work otherwise they risk safety.

They’re not “paranoid” or “harsh” they just have a job they cannot afford to fuck up otherwise the whole region is FUCKED. They’re the front line of defense, and do keep that in mind.

(Another footnote: I have seen Border Patrol offices, and without giving away how they function it’s not like CIA or Langley level of clean or fancy, so don’t think their offices are high tech and have marble floors with comfy lounges that cost a lot of money. Upon first glance you won’t expect the building to be an office. Border Patrol work with what they have available which isn’t a lot thanks to the ’00, ’04, ’08, ’12 and current administrations. That’s all I can give out.)

I’m going to come clean here and say the citizens in the Rio Grande Valley and the rest of Texas DO NOT FEEL SAFE with a border this wide open and no regulation is applied. Especially the Hispanic/Latino communities. So the pressure is on - and I mean REALLY on! Despite these guys working the Border are overwhelmed, they keep those emotions and opinions on lockdown when on the field. Like I said: If they fuck up, the region is fucked.

Bit of a history lesson: the Border issues on the Rio Grande are not new. Matter of factly, this problem has been happening for decades (The popular peak was during the 80s when cocaine was being distributed), but it was more than just cocaine and pot: Kids were going missing, people getting killed, women were used as mules and sold for sex, etc.

If you watched “Narcos” or “Sicario” you have a brief, dramatized taste of how the cartels function and what life is like for us Latinos. However, coming from someone who grew up there, the parts of watching your back, the abductions and even the gruesome murders are legit. To this day I remember seeing local news coverage (not CNN or MSNBC, our own stations down in the McAllen/Brownsville area) of beheadings, child murders and bodies being found in pieces… It’s something I hope my children won’t have to grow up hearing almost weekly like I did. Now it’s daily… and no one cares. And that hurts.

In the grand scheme of things, at least know this: South Texas has been part of the Cartel battle grounds and it’s obvious we’ve seen shit. Constantly being ignored is the payment we get for being front lines in the Drug War. So don’t blame us for being jumpy, or skeptical, nor even try convince us that the current surplus of immigrants is a good thing.

You can’t argue with our own experiences and history. The way things work down here is simple: You fight along side us, we fight along side you.

It’s called building trust, practicing faith. But we’ve been forgotten and lied to too many times by celebrities and politicians and social movements alike. And those who actually were going to help us are either shut down or unfortunately killed.

We just can’t trust anyone anymore. We are resorting to fending for ourselves basically, speaking up for ourselves… and so far it’s making progress in the mean time.

This level of “doing things on your own” bleeds into why our Troopers are trained they way they are trained - to expect the worst case scenario. To prepare themselves for the corpses, when a criminal pounces, the drugs being hid, for when they find a child with an adult they don’t know, or even a woman who was violated. They just genuinely don’t want to take chances and you just read why. Even my in-laws up in the Northern Midwest are disturbed.

So, considering the case of what happened a few days ago in Del Rio, Texas (as of writing this on September 25th 2021): If you run from a Trooper the first thing they are going to think is either two things:

You did something bad upon coming in to the country or

You don’t want your former government to find you because you did crimes in your home country or the country you were hiding in.

This is protocol, not biased opinions.

If, however, a Trooper commits any form of irresponsibility (such as abusing their power, unreasonable search and seizures etc.) it’s “kiss your badge good-bye” and DEMOTED or FIRED. The stakes of keeping your job in the Border Patrol are HIGH, so they are trained not to act out of line. Even a minor slip up in paper work from being fatigued gets you in SEVERE trouble with the Higher Ups and the County (Yes, that does happen and has happened). But you have to KNOW Border Patrol standards before you accuse them of anything.

With that being said, what’s floating around is not a constructive argument; it’s a distraction. How the public is demanding the trooper in the photo to be fired, tells us Latinos loud and clear that - once again - no one cares about our livelihood; no one is willing to brave enough to face the real hell going on. We are ignored or low-key demonized for simply defending ourselves.

(Now, you guys are seeing why I relate to my Jewish husband and the Israeli’ citizens - Arab and Jew - more; we’re pretty much in the same boat in the case of being ignored. But I digress.)

Before I come to a conclusion, here are other demographic facts to keep in mind that way it’ll help draw conclusions:

86.6% of the Border Patrol is HISPANIC/LATINO in the State of Texas alone.

A majority of children stolen from their families or molested are HISPANIC/LATINO.

A majority of the women violated immigrants on the border are mainly HISPANIC/LATINO.

Latin America collectively (Mexico down to Colombia and Venezuela) has the highest rates of femicide in the world.

So for you or anyone to get angry at Border Patrol agents in an unjust manner, not only are you getting mad at Hispanics and Latinos in UNIFORM for fighting to keep their communities safe, but you are actively contributing to the hell our families go through every day.

When you protest in demand for our cops or even troopers to be defunded, and fired for petty things, YOU are actively contributing to the problem of human trafficking, rape, kidnappings and murder that happens on the border. You are contributing to the Hispanic and Latino communities being dismantled and disintegrated by people who potentially want to kill us or hate us for money’s sake.

Take all of that into consideration before you get angry at anyone here.

In short:

I’ll only consider the accusations if you yourselves have been there and know the burdens we bear.

I’ll only consider your judgement if you genuinely are in law enforcement and know how to ride a horse and try to stop someone from running while riding the beast.

I’ll only consider your feedback if you don’t rely heavily on news like CNN, Telemundo and Tumblr for your information.

Until you grab a gun and fight the cartel yourself, and figure out a way to end this war on human trafficking, don’t come to us Latinos and express that you care and appreciate us.

Because frankly if you GENUINELY did, you’d bring to light what I just said and be slamming the desks at D.C. and DEMANDING the Border to be CLOSED by now.

Regardless of your political and personal beliefs, this is what is REALLY going on, and we’re going to keep fighting. Like the Israeli’s we don’t give a fuck if you hate us. We’re not radicals, we’re not blood-thirsty heathens, we’re not white supremacists (80+% of our population is of Latino Mexican descent) we’re just fed up with running away and being taken advantage of or taken for granted by people who value money over the lives of our neighbors.

If this were California, fine! Rail all you want, cuss us out as much as you want; hold us to those to California standards you keep yourself. But we’re not California.

We’re not D.C., nor Chicago, nor L.A., or New York, Florida, Canada, Mexico or whatever. We are SOUTH TEXAS so treat us as SOUTH TEXAS.

Honor us for who we are and hold us to the standards of what is SOUTH TEXAS, what is The United States Constitution, and the Texas Constitution; nothing more and nothing less. Don’t tear us down for what we’re not nor hold us accountable to an opinion or law we never agreed to nor knew existed.

That’s all I ask: If you’re not willing to honour our community and help us while holding us to our standards on a cultural, State or Federal level, back the fuck off. Generations we’ve dealt with the pressure from both the cartel and corrupt government from both the U.S. and Mexico, and the last thing we need is pampered kids living in the high rises or going to university on loans from school or your parents' paychecks, telling us how to deal with our issues.

You are FAR from a place to tell us how to function and resolve our war.

I’m not trying nor want to start a fight or otherwise, but I’m simply, humbly asking: when did we ever genuinely ask you “social justice advocates” to be our hero?

When did we ever ask you to fight for us or talk about what you think is wrong with us? Because last I checked we don’t want to drag anyone into our battles.

Also, we only know one messiah, but we never asked you to be him nor for him to act like you.

Did you start throwing punches because you wanted to find something to excuse your anger and outbursts, or is your good intentions married with ignorance?

Either case… it’s extremely unhealthy of you, and please just stop before another person gets hurt. We don’t want that. This is no different from the Crusades our ancestors took part in, and it will only end in more carnage than already sown.

So, just please, stop and take a step back for a moment. We don’t need anymore vehement evangelical-like people who just think with their ideals and not take a moment to have a healthy discussion with the One who created us, or let alone divorce their lust for a fight for ten seconds.

To close this off, even though I haven’t been home in a while, I know the spirit and the struggles the Rio Grande Valley goes through. I have met people on the run from the cartel first hand, and I have met people who may have ties with the cartel. I have seen some creepy shit, I have grown frustrated over the Protestant Baptist church doing nothing, and I have even been feeling the pressure my parent goes through with these apathetic riots threatening their job as a Border Patrol agent.

But aside from the pain, I am tremendously blessed that people and my family are still very optimistic despite the craziness and how bleak things are.

The family-oriented culture of the Rio Grande Valley is what is keeping it together… not trends, not clout and neither these guys in D.C. or Hollywood who are playing G-d.

It's the family-oriented connection. Our faith, that's keeping us going.

And even though I may not be the best voice of that region to speak up, I am blessed to have been there and I do plan on coming back soon.

I am planning on giving a more fun journal featuring the culture of the Rio Grande Valley in the future to finish this month off, but for the sake of this “Hispanic Heritage Month” I wanted to share our REAL issues we deal with rather than the made up ones that media likes to mainstream for money and clout.

In a way, I hope this offers clarity and a level of empathy. Again, I’m not sharing this to start fights or get sympathy - we don’t want it. We just want to know if our fights are not ignored, we just want to know we are heard.

That’s all.

[historic-old-guard-lover]

Hi, I started following you because you provide or reblog historical perspectives that I, as a white midwestern American, was not exposed to. I was thinking recently of the American “ melting pot” of culture, and how that Nile would probably have been taught how “wonderful” it was, but then also been aware of the erasure involved in a “melting pot”, and how that would affect her interactions with TOG (food!) Do you have any thoughts on this, or know of a blog that could discuss the implications?

I’m glad I’ve been widening your horizons, Anon. The American “melting pot” is a tricky concept, even before we add in how immigrants are actually treated in the US. I think the biggest factor that plays into it is that Americans don’t like to acknowledge that there very much is an American mainstream culture and various subcultures. The melting pot is used most often to denote a cultural homogeneity that “immigrants” contribute to...but ignores that this is not true for all immigrant groups, that those who contribute were originally (and may continue to be) rejected and forced into immigrant enclaves, and that the pieces that integrate change as part of the process to the point where they may not be recognizable to the “original” culture. Let’s take an all-American example: pizza.

99 out of 100 Americans will say that pizza is Italian food. 99 out of 100 Italians would look at pizza made in America and call it American food. For something so simple, there’s actually a lot of differences between Italian pizza and American pizza including the crust, sauce, and toppings. So yeah, pretty much the whole thing is different besides being tomatoes on bread. The first pizzeria was opened by an Italian immigrant in the Little Italy neighborhood of NYC in 1905. It was sold by the slice because the Italian immigrants Lombardi was trying to sell to couldn’t afford to buy a whole pie. That’s why so many Italian immigrants lived in Little Italy: they were mostly poor Catholic laborers in a Protestant nation who got called ethnic slurs like “guineas” and “dagoes”. In the South, there were multiple cases of Italian immigrants being lynched and targeted by the KKK. Now that Italians are considered “white,” it’s easy to forget that they weren’t always considered that way.

(Note: this is not me trying to compare the Italian-American and African-American experience or engage in oppression Olympics. While Italians were never grouped in the same category as blacks and some of them contributed to anti-black racism, they were violently attacked in a different way than Northern European whites for not respecting the racial hierarchy. They were also targeted as a religious group, the vast majority being Roman Catholic. If these things were happening in our modern era, we might consider these Italian immigrants “brown” like some white-passing Hispanic sub-populations and likened them to the Muslim-American experience complete with reputations as terrorists. There are major differences with these three experiences, of course, but I mention them to remind us that race is socially constructed and changes over time. I’d be happy to discuss what it means that race is a social construct if people are interested.)

The story of Italian-American immigrants is one of eventual integration into the “melting pot,” but that’s not the case for all immigrant waves as you probably know. The other archetype, at least in my mind, is characterized by the Chinese immigrant experience. In the 1850s, Chinese immigration was encouraged as a cheap and exploitable labor source for unpleasant jobs including the construction of the trans-continental railroad where an estimated 15,000-20,000 Chinese immigrants died (which, you’ll notice is a ridiculous range because they obviously weren’t keeping track). Of course, cheap labor source is a wave of racism waiting to happen and white Americans began HATING the Chinese-Americans. by the 1860s you see state and attempted federal legislation to restrict immigration and segregate Chinese-Americans to second-class citizen status (such as requiring them to have a special license to run a business that white Americans did not need). By 1880, an American diplomat was tasked we renegotiating a treaty with China to allow for the restriction of immigration. When that only kinda-sorta worked, Congress passed a series of laws we now call the  Chinese Exclusion Acts, which were not repealed until 1943 because of pressure from WW2. Though some parts of Chinese-American culture have become mainstream (eg. Chinese(-American) take-out food), Chinese-Americans and East Asian-Americans broadly have not been assimilated into whiteness. Kept at a distance from being “just American”, there are often immigrant enclaves (ie. Chinatowns) in major areas. This isn’t even touching the “Model Minority” mythos that Chinese-Americans need to grapple with as well. 

I think what you’re referencing in your comment is mostly that being accepted into (white mainstream) American culture means intentionally obscuring those immigrant links. Nile may or may not be aware of the history of immigrant experiences in America, but Chicago does have immigrant enclaves both past and present from pretty much everywhere. I’d like to think of Nile as self-aware enough to have picked up on this. And uh, since you probably were also just looking for something light-hearted, nothing is more American that fusion cuisine! I think it’d be funny to have the Old Guard what Nile put like barbeque sauce on paneer as they all silently scream in horror and Nile is just like “what? don’t hate it till you’ve tried it” and then somehow after millennia on this earth Andy tries food combinations she’s never considered

[nancylou444]

Real life “United States of Al”

(x)

A Stranded Interpreter, and the Soldiers Who Would Not Let Go

Many Afghans who helped U.S. forces in Afghanistan are now in danger. One spoke to us about his battle to get his family out alive as he hid in Kabul.

By Farnaz Fassihi

The Americans called him “Mikey,” and as an interpreter for the Special Forces he did not just bridge language gaps. He did everything from easing negotiations with local Afghans loyal to the Taliban to warning a convoy away from an ambush.

“Mikey wasn’t just a regular interpreter,” recalls Sgt. First Class Joseph Torres, a Texan who served in the Special Forces. “He was our lifeline. He went everywhere we went on the most remote and dangerous missions. It was because of him that we returned home alive after deployments.”

But the day after Kabul fell to the Taliban, the 34-year-old Afghan was on his own.

Determined to get out of Afghanistan, he was making a desperate run to the airport with his wife and two young sons when they were caught in gunfire amid the crush of people who had gathered there to escape. His wife and one son, 6, were both shot in the foot.

As he carried the bloodied and screaming child in search of a hospital, Mikey says, he flashed back to his time on the battlefield with American forces.

“I kept thinking, after everything I did for the Americans,” he said. “After all my hard work and risking my life, now this is what happens to my family? They are leaving us to die here.”

Mikey — who is being identified by his American nickname only for safety reasons — is one of tens of thousands of Afghans who worked for the United States and have applications pending for expedited visas allowing them to resettle in America. President Biden has pledged that Afghan allies will be welcomed to “their new homes” and called the situation on the ground “heartbreaking.”

But the evacuation of U.S. citizens and green-card holders remains the immediate priority of the military operation underway at the Kabul airport. That means that for many Afghans who worked with the United States, there is little to do but wait — and try to keep out of the sights of the Taliban.

Mikey worked as an interpreter for the Special Forces from 2009 to 2012 in Kandahar, and from 2015 to 2017 in Kabul. He was once so badly wounded in an explosion that he had to be airlifted to a field hospital.

The night his wife and son were shot, Mikey got them into a hospital and then went into hiding. Preferring rooms without windows, he switched locations four times in one week.

He was waiting for the U.S. government to give him an evacuation plan. He was waiting for the approval of his visa application.

And he was waiting for the Taliban to find him.

In interviews from his bunkers in Kabul as events unfolded over the past week, Mikey talked about the ordeal of trying to keep himself alive and his family safe in the chaos left behind by the U.S. exit from Afghanistan. With no word from the U.S. government about when or how he might get out, he realized that the bonds he had forged with U.S. soldiers might offer his only hope for safe passage.

That is where Sergeant Torres, who now lives in Pecos, Tex., came in.

He had worked with Mikey on multiple deployments, and now he had a new battle: leading a global operation to get him out.

To coordinate those efforts, Sergeant Torres and a group of about 20 former and current members of the military formed a WhatsApp chat group and an email thread. They reached out to military and State Department contacts, along with members of Congress, to try to get Mikey and his family onto a military evacuation plane.

They say they understand why U.S. citizens are getting priority when it comes to evacuations. The outrage is over the lack of a clear plan for all those Afghans who worked side by side with the Americans, who may have targets on their backs now that the Taliban is in control.

“It’s infuriating,” Sergeant Torres said. “My heart breaks for everyone who doesn’t have the support Mikey has.”

It was not the case that Mikey tried to get out of Afghanistan only when the danger became clear.

He started his special visa application in 2012, when he was in Kandahar with the military. He had his interview, one of the final steps in the process, in November 2018 when he worked at Camp Duskin in Kabul. He is still waiting for medical tests and approval. Emails he has sent to follow up on his application have gone unanswered.

Across the United States, members of the armed forces are leading their own campaigns to pressure the Biden administration to scale up the evacuation of Afghans who worked as their interpreters. They have taken to social media and created fund-raising campaigns such as “Help Our Interpreters.”

Military interpreters are among the most vulnerable of Afghan allies. The nature of their work required that they accompany military personnel in the battlefield and be present during interactions with locals. If residents of the areas where they worked were hostile to Americans, the interpreters could be easily identified for the Taliban.

Mikey was a teenager in Kabul when the United States invaded Afghanistan in 2001. In high school he worked hard to learn English, and his language teacher suggested he work as an interpreter for the Americans after graduation.

He was dispatched to Kandahar airfield, one of the largest U.S. military bases in Afghanistan, and from there to multiple remote outposts, quickly working his way up to become a lead interpreter.

“Mikey was always fun to be around, very open-minded with a very big heart,” said Sgt. First Class Raymond Steele, an active member of Special Forces who has stayed in regular contact with him over the years.

Mikey listened to communications to intercept threats, talking to local tribal leaders in person and on his phone. On one patrol, he got word of an ambush and of insurgents burying explosive devices in their path.

“I felt proud of my job because it felt like I was helping my country,” Mikey said.

Between stints in Kandahar and Kabul, Mikey got married. He bought a car and worked as a taxi driver in Kabul. He and his wife had children.

But the U.S. era in Afghanistan was ending — and the Taliban’s resuming. That left countless Afghans feeling helpless and adrift, as Mikey was when we spoke by phone last Saturday night.

“We are in the dark,” he told me. “My American friends say just wait, wait to see what happens. Be ready to leave when we tell you.”

Then on Monday around 4 p.m. Mikey received an astonishing text from Sergeant Torres: We are going to get you out, it said. Get ready now. Wait for instructions.

The mission to rescue Mikey, with the help of current and former military contacts on the ground, was in motion — and things were moving quickly. In a space of two hours, Mikey and his family were hidden in a car, their documents stashed, heading for a gate at the Kabul airport where members of the military were expecting him.

They welcomed him, taking his family to a clinic so his wife’s and son’s bullet wounds could be treated. The children got candy.

When Sergeant Torres got the call that Mikey was finally in the clear, he broke into sobs. He never cries, he says. Sergeant Steele called Mikey and shouted, “I love you, man.”

On Tuesday, Mikey and his family flew out of Afghanistan aboard a U.S. military plane, his initial destination withheld for security reasons.

It was his son’s sixth birthday.

“I am extremely relieved and happy,” Mikey said during a call from the tarmac in Kabul as he waited to board the plane. “My infinite gratitude for the help and kindness of my American brothers. You gave us a second chance at life.”

--------------------------------

Biden should have gotten everybody out before PUBLICALLY announcing he was pulling troops from  Afghanistan.

This is heartbreaking. 

[pokefarm-q]

firewolf1117 refuckingceipts (it's all been removed now but people archived it)

this bitch:

When you say “All Cops are”, here’s what you’re really saying:

All Blacks are Criminals All Mexicans are Illegal All Americans are stupid, fat, and lazy All Rape Victims are liars All Suicide Posters are Attention Seekers All Muslims are Terrorists All LGBT deserve to die

Are you outraged yet? GOOD.It means I touched a nerve.

You would never, ever, EVER say those things about those groups of people because you KNOW that it’s not true, even in the slightest. There are so very very FEW Cops who are actually corrupt and using their power and position inappropriately.

So what gives you the right to say the same about cops? COPS! Who are practically SOLDIERS! EVERY DAY their family lives with the fear that they won’t return. EVERY DAY they put their lives in danger to PROTECT you! They, as a whole, deserve your RESPECT!!! MOST ALL “Brutality” cases are from the CRIMINAL fighting, disrespecting, grabbing a weapon, etc. If you’d just COOPERATE AND BE RESPECTFUL you’d be treated FAIRLY!! Cops don’t have the time to sort things out. Their snap second decisions PROTECT them AND nearby Civilians. You can’t possibly understand the FEAR AND TERROR they hold EVERY SECOND of EVERY DAY! So don’t you DARE judge them for mistakes.

and here’s the response of one brave user, this legend, this badass mofo, who replied to their bullshittery and got banned for a day for posting in the whiny crybaby bitch’s journal without permission:

Replying to this, because FireWolf1117 is intentionally spreading misinformation and hate. I don’t care if the staff is going to tell me off for this — for once, I care a little more about setting this right than following the Journal rule.

First of all, United States cops are legally not required to save civilians. It’s not considered unconstitutional, according to the case Warren v. District of Columbia (444 A.2d. 1, D.C. Ct. of Ap. 1981). To keep it short, cops can literally see crimes being committed and decide not to intervene if they feel like it. This has been quite common among police departments if you (objectively) compare the police’s actions during BLM protests and anti-lockdown protests.

Anyways, let’s get to your generalizing logic. I have to agree with you on one thing: generalizing is bad. No group should be generalized because of some rotten apples. However, this doesn’t count for cops. Here’s why not:

The police force isn’t a marginalized group. A police officer is a profession. A job. Cops are public servants. They work for the state, for the civilians. And that’s why they need to be held accountable for any misconduct they commit. Which is, unfortunately, is objectively not the case. According to statistics from https://mappingpoliceviolence.org, 99% of United States cops who have killed citizens have not been criminally charged, because police departments literally protect officers from getting tried. Of the 750+ shootings done by police this year, only four cops are getting tried. So much for “there are only a few corrupt ones”. Black people are also way less likely to carry a weapon compared to White people, while Black people get shot by cops thrice as likely.

What’s more, because the police force is a profession, people can quit being a police officer. This doesn’t count for most of the groups you mentioned: Black people can’t stop being Black, Mexican people can’t stop being Mexican, Americans can’t stop being American (also you including Americans kinda makes you look embarrassing lol no offense), rape victims can’t be ‘unraped’, Muslims (or even just Arabs in general) can’t stop being perceived as Muslims (even Sikhs get seen as Muslims nowadays…) and LGBTI+ people can’t stop being LGBTI+ (unless they discover they’re not). Police officers can literally take their uniform off and be perceived as normal human beings. As soon as they are on duty and take on their uniform, a huge responsibility awaits them. A responsibility that has been abused by them to the point that marginalized people will hesitate before calling the police, fearing that the police will either come too late or escalate the situation. Cops aren’t endangering their own lives. They’re endangering the lives of those they’re supposed to protect. No good person would shoot a man in his back SEVEN times for being 'aggressive’. No good person who claims to protect and serve would kneel on someone’s neck for eight minutes while that person was cooperating with them. No good person would shoot a completely innocent woman in her sleep because they raided the wrong house. (BTW, Breonna Taylor’s murderers are still walking free as if nothing happened.) No good person would shoot a 12-year-old kid for having a toy gun. No good person would kill a man in his car for… picking up his ID to show it to the cop. Just because you cooperate, doesn’t mean that you’re safe.

Your logic is clearly flawed, because you judge cops on their personality, and not on the bigger picture. All cops are “bastards” not because we see all of them are evil killing machines that shoot people on sight — it’s because they contribute to an oppressive system, whether it’s directly or indirectly. It’s more than 'just a few cops’: the government wants bad laws to be enforced, the prison system is getting used as a business model, minorities are forced to live in poor socioeconomic areas on purpose BY the government, gentrification exists, multi billionnaires are exploiting low-class working people even more, there’s a damn pandemic that’s not being taken seriously… And guess who’s at the front of keeping the fragile capitalist system intact? Right. The police. The face of the government, that’s laughing at Black people, people of color, disabled people, LGBTI+ people… No good cop exists, even if they’re nice to everyone. Good cops who speak out against the abuse of other cops get fired, because the police departments don’t want the truth to be exposed. If you truly want to be someone who saves people’s lives, then stop being a cop and get a better job, like a firefighter, an EMT, a psychologist… Anything that isn’t completely corrupted.

Even during the recent BLM protests, cops are showing off their power. They escalate situations without provocation more times than BLM protesters start shit. Also cops are committing literal war crimes by using tear gas and other chemicals against civilians (IT GOES AGAINST THE GENEVA CONVENTION FOR FUCK’S SAKE). Not so protective now, aren’t they? The only thing BLM protesters have hurt are cops’ ego. Trust me, protesters being a little mean to cops won’t ever be as bad as all the innocent lives cops have taken and covered up.

I want to go on forever, because I have a lot more to say (such as why “All Lives Matter” is reactionary and racist, how the police force was formed in the first place, how the effects of slavery and colonialism are still being felt by Black people to this day, how and why 'riots’ can be 'justified’), but I’ll leave it at this. At least I got to give counterarguments to your points. Take care and educate yourself! (Tip: stop watching FOX News and Infowars if you do that, you’re going to develop brainrot! ;__;)

ladies and gentleman of the jury, as you can see, this user not only came into this argument prepared, but they were civil and had links (that aren’t links now oop soz). they gave this bitch plenty of opportunity to learn and grow from this without attacking her.

but your bet your ASS the poor little white girl went crying to her daddy about people ATTACKING HER and BULLYING HER FOR HER OPINIONS!!!! she uses her anxiety as a get out of jail free card CONSTANTLY, bitching and moaning about how, and these are directly quoting from HER own journal:

MAY 29, 2020

I log in to this game to have fun and escape the stresses and problems of real life. I do NOT want to be going about my business, and see “BLM” in someone’s Trainer Card, and have to deal with a surge of overwhelming emotions (whether positive or negative). I simply cannot handle the Anxiety that results.

This is a GAME site. NOT a place to share your political, racial or other stances. PLEASE keep ALL such topics OFF this site. I understand you want to talk about them, and that’s fine. But out of respect for people like me, can you please do so in private with the people you know WANT to see and discuss it?

just admit you’re racist dude.

She uses CSS. SHE CAN FUCKING HIDE OTHER PEOPLE’S FUCKING CARDS. PEOPLE CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE ON THEIR OWN DAMN PAGES. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU.

Also! You know she only put “whether positive or negative” to quell any hate she might’ve gotten because ANXIETY is usually not a positive emotion. There’s not even a positive CONNOTATION. and she hopes to be published by the end of the year lmfao yeah right.

and then, on JUNE 16, 2020:

I WAS going to make a post in response to the most recent announcement, but now I’m just too frazzled and upset about it. Still making a post. I’ll just be posting it off site so I can say things how I want to say them, and so I don’t have any in game repercussions.

Honestly, though. I log onto this site to ESCAPE reality. I do NOT want to see ANY stance on ANY “cause” ANYWHERE. NONE OF IT BELONGS HERE. NONE!!!! Because of this “decision”, I’m going to make one of my own. I am gone from this site until current affairs are resolved. Heck. Perhaps even after. I will NOT be a part of a site that allows…Ugh. NOT going to get into this here.

but like… she came back a month later lmao

OH AND!! Earlier this month on AUGUST 6, 2020 she posted this!

It really breaks my heart seeing derogatory remarks against Cops in people’s Trainer Cards. It’s upsetting that you feel that way, and even more so that you make your hatred so vehemently known.

Personally, I don’t know why any of those Cop comments are allowed. If someone had something in their Trainer Card against Religion, LGBT, or POC, I guarantee that statement would be removed. So why is it alright for people to make hateful, vile, disgusting remarks against Cops? Despite it being someone’s personal opinion, it’s still Hate Speech, and shouldn’t be allowed.

this bitch is part of the lgbt+ community. she’s part of a marginalized group.

The “"derogatory remarks”“ she’s talking about? #AllCopsAreComplicit #CopsStinky #AllCopsSuck

which brings us back to Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen! Her equating #AllCopsAreComplicit and #CopsSTINKY to "All LGBT deserve to die” and a Shitton of other stereotypes. Well fucking done.

Despite bitching and moaning about I DONT WANNA SEE ANYTHING, despite there being ways she can fucking hide it HER DAMN SELF she chooses instead to bitch piss moan bitch piss moan bitch piss and fucking moan and then when someone calls her out on her genuinely harmful bullshit, pulls the wounded gazelle gambit, claims she’s being attacked, and puts in her Card that “anxiety attack! again! waaaah!” like anyone has a shred of sympathy left for her ugly ass. She can’t handle looking like the bad guy so she plays the anxiety card. She bitches about never having any friends, only depression and anxiety, and it’s like bitch no fucking wonder.

Both the top posts have been taken down, but the user who responded to her has gotten nothing but love for her mad courage in saying something when no one else dared.

Firefurrywolf made a halfassed apology (August 30, 2020) which I won’t go into but there is one line that sticks out to me because it’s such a goddamn lie:

When I state my opinion, I usually do so with grace and eloquence. I did not think about my actions this time.

… do you?

This is a GAME site. NOT a place to share your political, racial or other stances. PLEASE keep ALL such topics OFF this site.

Do you… really?

I log onto this site to ESCAPE reality. I do NOT want to see ANY stance on ANY “cause” ANYWHERE. NONE OF IT BELONGS HERE. NONE!!!!

I don’t think so. You vile, disgusting, manipulative, obnoxious, PRETENTIOUS, racist, terfy bitch.

Oh, before I forget, yeah. Terf. She looks like one too. All over her insta. Gross.

NOVEMBER 19, 2019

My response to a LGBT post in one of my writing groups.

I don’t know most of these terms within the community. Don’t really care to know either, cause your preferences won’t change my feelings about who you are. I probably should, though, cause the Its and Xes really confuse me.

I knew I was a Demi-Ace for a few years. I’ve also known that I was Poly since I was early teens. But I’m also attracted to beauty and care more about who you are as a person than your preferences, so apparently I’m Panaesthetic as well?

Also firm believer of “True Love Knows NO Bounds”

Her journal got moved to 18+ because there was a post talking about sex. Might’ve even been alluding to rape. On a CHILDREN’S SITE. In her CHILD-FRIENDLY journal. It sat there for at least two months. TWO MONTHS. But I will not be posting that here, but it’s still there if anyone wants to snoop. All of this is public. Well, it was. But at least minors won’t be exposed to this histrionic little whiny whitey who is absolutely drowning in her white privilege.

Just because she changed her pfp from her face to a shitty drawing she did doesn’t hide the fact that she’s white, and the worst kind of person with little to no actual coping skills.

She claims to be an artist, a writer, all this, blah blah, but then why doesn’t she channel any of it into her work so she can get fucking better at them? She says she’s working on losing weight, so do that. Instead of shrieking and stomping your fucking feet like a toddler at the peak of their terrible two’s, throwing tantrum after fucking tantrum on a CHILDREN’S SITE about your shitty stances, go for a fucking walk. Punch a fucking punching bag. Literally anything else. You’ll feel better, you’ll lose weight faster, you’d be keeping your vitriol to your damn self and no one will “attack” you.

“Are you ourtraged yet? GOOD. It means I touched a nerve!”

She fucking wanted a reaction. But couldn’t handle it when she actually got one. I’m so embarrassed. Grow some fucking thicker skin, you’re older than I am. Grow a pair and shut the goddamn FUCK up.

For now, the evil is defeated, and I rest my fucking case.

[tired-college-student-writing]

The Painter’s Daughter Ch 4

Summary: Marinette is the daughter of two bakers

Marinette is a happy sometimes naive girl

Marinette is loved to create and make more than they liked to destroy

or was she?

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Chapter 4 (HERE)

Chapter 5

_________________________________________

“You’re both coming with me,” Helen spoke the second Adrian reappeared from the bathroom, wrapped in Marinette’s oversized pink polka-dotted bathrobe.  The blond looked surprised and suspicious.

“Don’t worry, kid,” Helen continued, “I’m not going to hurt you. I can’t in what little good conscience I have left let anyone become a creep if I can help it, let alone my daughter and her superhero partner.”

“Creep?” Adrian raised his brow at this, edging away slightly.

Helen just rolled his eyes and allowed his glamor to fall, leaving a teenage boy who could have been Marinette’s twin standing where the once lanky man had. He cracked a smile as the boy jumped.

“It’s short for Creepypasta,” He explained, “You’ve probably found our stories before, stories of Jeff the Killer, of Laughing Jack, of Smile Dog, of Slenderman, and thought we were just that, stories. The reality of the situation is Kwamis and Miraculous aren’t the only magic in the world, there’s a much darker side to the unexplainable out there. I and, by extension, Marinette are part of this world. ”

Adrian’s eyes were the size of dinner plates, but even so, a new emotion was flickering in his eye. Most of the time creeps see fear or anger in the eyes of those that discover them, but Adrian has been in such deep broken fear and hurt anger for too long. In his eyes, the father and daughter saw curiosity slowly trickle in.

Marinette smiled softly, “It’s okay Kitty, you’re still safe. Dad’s not going to hurt you.”

Helen snorted, “Even the stupidest creeps have a code. You’re the last person we’d want dead even if you didn’t have a tiny little god of destruction in your pocket. Especially since Marinette likes you so much.”

“Damn straight,” Plagg huffed, tail lashing as if daring the creature to do anything.

“My dad is what’s known as a Proxy,” Marinette explained, “A worker of sorts for a more powerful entity. In his case, he’s a proxy of the Operator, or as you most likely know him, Slenderman. I was conceived after he was made so I fall under the creeps domain as well even though I’m not a creep and will never be a creep unless I commit a murder worthy of my own creepypasta.”

“So all creepypastas are real, and you’re the daughter of,” Adrian’s eyes darted across Helen’s form landing on his pin and the mask attached to his belt, “The Bloody Painter?”

“Ha, you ARE a fan,” Helen snorted.

“And he wants us to come with him because why?”

Plagg winced, floating up to headbutt his user in the cheek, “Kid… he’s worried you’ll become like him. Your sanity is in such a fragile state… it’s worrisome even if you weren’t fighting Hawkmoth. You need to get away from your dad, from Paris and you certainly need to get away from that abusive rapist bitch that broke you before one of us, at best gets akumatized, or worst does something drastic that we can’t take back.”

Adrian cupped the small cat by his face, a single tear running down his cheek as he looked to see the deep understanding of the pair in front of him.  

“Okay,” He said in a soft voice that was barely a breath, “But if we really leave then Paris will be undefended, and won’t people put it together when we leave at the same time as the heroes stop showing up? Can we really leave Paris unde-”

“I have a plan,” Marinette cut in, “but it’s going to take a bit to get into place.”

Helen rolled his shoulders, shifting back into his adult form, “Adrian eat. Let's get some bags packed and put this plan into action.”

_________________________________________

The morning saw Ladybug and Chat Noir swinging through the city with smiles, laughing and greeting the citizens with cheer. When asked why they were out so early they let pain and uncertainty flicker across their faces for a split second, before the smiles were back and they gave some lame excuses about needing a break from their everyday life.

Paris felt a twinge that something wasn’t right that the city couldn’t shake.

When school started Ms. Bustier’s class was surprised and worried to see their principal in their classroom. Adrian was still missing as far as they were aware, they really hoped nothing happened to him.

“Students,” Damocles started once the bell had rung, “Before school today, The Dupain-Chengs came in and informed me that Marinette was being pulled for the rest of the year and moved to homeschooling.”

“What!” Alya yelled, the room breaking into a frenzy.

“SILENCE!” Mr. Damocles barked and patiently waited until the room froze, “Now before any rumors start, they wished for you all to know that Marinette’s birth father had been in a terrible accident and she was on the first plane they could find last night to the United States to be with him as they were not sure if he’d survive very long. She will remain in the US until he is better or until his affairs are put in order. I hope you all do your best to understand and be supportive of her if she reaches out.”

The teacher and principal exit the room soon after with remarks about needing to get the proper paperwork in order for the transfer leaving a shocked classroom.

“Mr. Dupain isn’t her dad?” Alya whispered in shock only for Nino to shrug.

“Well, yeah, Kim and I were invited to the wedding and Marinette told us when she was changing her name. Her dad is some artist from the states, Sabine didn’t give out too many details but it wasn’t hard to put together Mari was a one night stand baby. Her dad was pretty cool though. I hope he’s okay.”

Kim nodded when the class turned to look at him, “ Yeah we met him when he came for her tenth birthday, gave her some really awesome fabric she ended up making into a dress she wore to the school banquet. Apparently, his job is pretty sporadic so he’s not able to visit regularly, but you can tell he really loves Marinette and treated all of us pretty well.”

Chloe snorted, “Speak for yourselves, He gave me the creeps with his stare when I tried to say something to Marinette, made some weird comment about how I’d make a lovely medium for art one day.”

Nathanial gave her a quizzical look, “You mean muse?”

“No? I’m pretty sure I’d remember the ridiculous statement the man-made to me. He definitely said medium.”

“But,” Nathanial muttered, “That makes no sense. A medium is the materials used for an art piece, not the subject of the piece. How could he make you his medium?”

“How am I supposed to know?”

Nino’s phone buzzed and he paled looking down, “Uh dudes, Adrian just posted on his insta, like his model insta.”

The pictures on the post were vaguely graphic, nail marks and bruises littering pale skin in sickly colors. Nothing below the belt but they could see how the bruises fell they extended further then he was showing.  

I’m sorry I ran, but I couldn’t handle the sexual abuse anymore. A fellow model, my father’s muse no less, decided I was hers and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s lied and lied so much even my friends from school are convinced we’re a couple but I just want to be able to live my life without the fear of her touching me and spinning tales of how no one will believe me if I spoke out, how she’ll tell the world I raped her if I did. I still feel so dirty after she slipped something into my drink. It didn’t even knock me out, simply made it so I couldn’t move. I’m done. I’m sorry but I’m done.

None of the class could stop the bile from rising in their throats as their eyes flash to Lila who was slowly turning pruce.

_________________________________________

The weekend arrived, with only two Akuma attacks since Marinette left for America, Ladybug and Chat Noir taking care of it swiftly and near silently, their normal banter sporadic at best the first time, almost melancholy the second.

Paris had noticed and was nearing panic. What was wrong with their heroes?

Two siblings found out, as the clock clicked closer to Saturday.

The Couffaine siblings were hanging out on their beds, idly playing music together, already in their PJs. Their mother was out for the night, invited to drinks with Jagged to reconnect after all these years. So when they heard thumps on the deck above they froze.

The fear only reduced slightly as the familiar faces of the city’s heroes appeared from the top of the stairs, though the panic shifted to a different source. Luka shoots worried glances at his sister. How would she react to him being a hero?

“Ladybug, Chat Noir,” He greeted, “What’s wrong? An Akuma?”

“Not right now,” Ladybug responded, face serious but ever so kind, “But we have a large favor to ask both of you.”  

“You know I’m always willing to help,” He answered without hesitation and saw his usually timid sister nod in agreement.

“I’ll do everything I can.”

Chat Noir gave a ghost of his usually cheeky grin, “Can you keep a secret?”

Before either sibling got to ask what he meant the pair was engulfed in bright light. When it faded Marinette and Adrian stood in front of the pair.

“Luka Couffaine,” Marinette said, holding out the box with a broken smile, “This is the miraculous of the Snake.”

“Juleka Couffaine,” Adrian continued, holding out an identical box, “This is the miraculous of the Mouse.”

“We’re entrusting you to use these miraculous to keep Paris safe in our steed,” They replied in unison to the frozen siblings, “Do you accept?”

“What?” Juleka squeaked, “You two…”

Luka took the box with a stony look, “What do you mean in your steed?”

Adrian’s face fell, “Chat Noir and Ladybug are leaving Paris for a while. I’m sure you know why I need to leave, but Mari offered me an escape and needs a break as well.”

Marinette’s steely look silenced any protests, “We’ve been failed too many times. It’s breaking us, if we don’t leave soon we're going to end up akumatized ourselves or worse. We’re entrusting you two with the truth, and with being the main protectors of Paris while we’re gone.”

“We’re handing over an official video tomorrow morning explaining our leave of Absence to Nadja to play during the news cycles, probably all of them,” Adrian said with a hollow laugh, “

“But what about the other miraculous?” Luka asked, “We’re not going to be Ladybug and Chat Noir, and even you need help sometimes. What do we do if we need help?”  

“The Fox is with a male user named Badulf and the monkey with King Monkey. My mama currently has the miraculous box, so if you need to get the Bee to Hachimitsu or the dragon to Kaida she’ll have them,” Marinette continued, “If you need another miraculous I trust you to make the choice of who to give it to with a view exceptions. We don’t need another Aspik incident.”

“In my defense,” Adrian counter, “I have a hard time saying no to anyone, let alone my best friend who was trusting me with a very important task.”  

“Okay,” Juleka let out a shaky sigh, “You need to start from the beginning.”

And so they did. They told the pair about getting their miraculous, about the allies they had taken throughout the years, the ones they didn’t trust anymore, the ones that had hurt them too many times. They told them about how life outside the mask had grown harder and harder and trying not to be akumatized was growing near impossible. They listed the spells and charms they had created to allow the pair to contain the akumas since Ladybug would be gone.

Luka and Juleka held their hands, anger, fury, and sympathy rolling off of them. By the end, Marinette worried they would deal with another akumaztion but Juleka elbowed him with a scowl and he took several deep breaths to calm down.

“Okay,” He said finally, “We’ll take care of the city. You two get better okay,”

“Don’t worry,” Marinette said with a soft smile, “You’re going to stay with my dad. He’s going to make sure we don’t snap under all of the pressure.”

“Take this,” She handed over a notecard with a pair of emails on it, “If something like Syren or Stormy Weather shows up again so I can use Miraculous Ladybug. We believe in you.”

As quickly as they had arrived the heroes had left, leaving the siblings to get to know their kwamis and prepare for the news that would break in only a few short hours on how the safety of the city was now on their shoulders.

“Everything done?” Helen asked once the heroes landed in Bois de Boulogne. Once they nodded he tossed them their backpacks and turned to the tree he already carved the Operator symbol into, opening the portal to the Slender Forest.

“Let’s make this quick,” Helen groaned, “Slender isn’t going to be happy I waited this long to get in touch with him.”

“Do you think now is a good time to give Slender the new tie I made him?”

_________________________________________

Taglist: @crazylittlemunchkin @sassakitty @marinettepotterandplagg

[kace-the-writer]

Fires of Fear- Chapter 1

Trigger Warning- starvation, theft, and mentions of murder, swearing

A criminal, that was all I am to the world. A dirty thief and killer. They say it like I actually have killed anyone but the cops and members of the twin’s search party, those damn fools. They say it like I don’t do what I do to survive as a low class citizen. But it doesn’t matter, what matters is that Patton and I are alive. Poor Patton, he would never be able to survive on his own. I have nothing against him, he’s my older brother and I love him, but he can be weak.

“Hey Pat, I got our food for today,” I said, giving him a slice of bread and a tiny bit of chicken I managed to steal.

“Thanks Virge,” He said, smiling. He always smiled, like the world hadn’t gone to hell under the twin’s rule. Like I didn’t have to steal so that we could survive. Like we were high class, like we sometimes didn’t spend days without eating. He’s not actually happy, it’s a weak mask that anyone could see through.

“Of course,” I said, taking out my own slice of bread. Wow, this is so great. I thought sarcastically, my brain seems to always be in sarcasm mode. I hummed a tune I heard while stealing from the middle class, unlike us they actually were allowed their own music.

“Virge, have you been stealing again?” Patton asked. This is what I mean when I say he would be unable to live on his own. He’s too afraid to do what he needs to survive. He sees stealing as “wrong”. I don’t, I see it as necessary.

“Yeah… how else would I have got this?” As much as I love him, he’s not exactly smart.

Patton pushed up his glasses. He had light blue eyes, which were actually common among the high class, but his dirty clothes and messy brown, undyed hair would give himself away. “Virgil, they need food as well.”

“They’re middle class! They have all the food they need!” I took another bite. Why did Patton think they are struggling like us? At least they are assured to get food daily, we have to either steal or endlessly labor to get some. We never got that privilege!

“Virgil, you should just get a job like I did. Sure, it sucks to be a janitor for a rich business, but at least I don’t steal!” He says it like the job makes him more than 5 nickels a day.

“Patton, you’re severely underpaid. I am not wasting my life working for some rich guy only to get way too little money! And working helps the twins! Do you really want to help them!” I balled up my fist, then realized what I was doing. “I-I’m Sorry.”

I walked out of the small tent we called a home and into the “neighborhood” which was more like 50 tents next to a lake which probably wasn’t that safe to drink from. The sun was setting into the ground, creating a beautiful painting of bright colors, but also brought on darkness. Our area was fenced and guarded, though there were areas for us to get out where the guards didn’t notice us. The only time they’d let us out is for those who have jobs.

I picked up a bucket from next to the river and filled it with water. There were a couple of other people out, but I don’t like to talk with anyone except Patton. When I was done I placed the bucket next to me and sat down, looking into the small lake. I’m not religious, but I pray that any diety possibly listening would just save me. I know that won’t happen, but my mind can hope.

After a couple of moments just staring out into the distance, I grabbed the water and went back to Patton, “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

Patton looked at me and smiled, “I wasn’t mad at you kiddo! Just concerned! I’m sorry if it sounded like I was trying to force you to get a job.”

I sighed, “It’s alright, Pat. I brought some water back in case you wanted any.” I layed down on the blanket I called a bed. Patton and I both had one, but since our tent was so small we’d sometimes roll next to each other.

“Oh thank you Virge!” Patton picked up the bucket and took a sip of the water. It didn’t exactly taste good, but we had both learned how to deal with it. “Did you hear about the twins’ new law?”

I sat up, “no, does it affect us?” I did not want my life to change, I was fine with just staying the same.

“I’m not sure, it just says the business owners now have more freedom into how they treat their employees. So maybe me but not you.” Patton ran a hand through his light brown hair and sighed.

“If they hurt you I’ll kill them,” I said, taking off my hoodie. I actually stole it, it was hard for low class citizens to get any good clothing.

“Please don’t Virge, they’re just trying to live their lives and make money!” What was it with Patton and forgiving people who don’t deserve to be forgiven?

“Patton, I was just exaggerating!” I never told Patton about the times I actually have killed people, but that was just self defense! “I’d probably be killed if I did that.”

“Virgil the twins already want you dead,” Patton wasn’t wrong, I had stolen from a couple of high class citizens and that got me on the twins’ personal kill list. The only reason I’m not already dead is because I was wearing a mask and gloves when I did it.

“Those monsters,” hate on the twins was common in the lower class, but if someone from the higher classes did it they’d probably be imprisoned and killed. The twins didn’t really care about the lower class, we were just trash.

“Can I hug you, Virgil?” Patton loved hugs, but he always asked before giving any. I nodded, actually kinda wanting one. Patton smiled and hugged me. His hugs were always warm and safe, don’t tell him I said this, but I actually love his hugs.

“Pat, this is getting too long,” Patton apologized and pulled back, “thanks.”

“You should get some sleep Virge,” Patton smiled. I didn’t really want to sleep, I had nightmares, but he was right.

I jolted awake from my sleep, panting and sweating even though it was the start of fall. I layed back down and sighed, another nightmare about our parents dying, great.

I looked around and saw that Patton had already left for work. I rubbed my head and sat up, I should head out soon. I usually woke up before Patton, but I guess today is different.

I stretched as I got up, my back and body sore because of how I slept. That was usual for me but it still sucked. I opened the tent and winced as sunlight struck me in the eyes. It took me a couple seconds to adjust to the light l, but after I did I started walking. Not a lot of people were out right now, as most of them had work.

A guard in his red gear spotted me and strotted up towards me, what now? It wasn’t abnormal for them to randomly approach us, but I do hate when they do that. “Hello citizen,” said the guard, his back straight and his mouth lowered into a frown.

“Hello sir, what is it that you need?” I said, bowing my head when he was stood in front of me.

Of course I already knew what he was about to say, “Show me your card,” every citizen has a card that they were given at birth and got updated every 5 years. It has our full name, class, age, date of birth, and criminal record. Luckily I got away with all the crimes I’ve done. I quickly took my card out of my pocket and handed it to the guard.

“Alright, Virgil, looks good,” he handed the card back to me, “just make sure you don’t cause a ruckus, you unemployed tend to do that. Oh, and uh,” he grabbed my hair and pushed me to the ground before walking away. That wasn’t that bad.

I stayed on the ground for a couple of moments, (they love it when we do that) but I eventually got back up. I brushed myself off, caring more about cleanliness than some of the other lower class citizens, I try to keep myself as clean as possible. Of course that was hard when you were only allowed one cold shower a week.

When I realized the guard was still watching me, I went back to my tent. I sat down and waited. It didn’t take guards long to forget about us, but I didn’t want to take the risk of sneaking out while a guard may still have awareness of me.

I played with my hands as I waited. 6, 7, 8… I counted in my head, waiting for 400 to leave. There was nothing really to look at in the tent, but I focused my vision onto the lamp in the corner of the tent.

399… 400! Finally I got to leave. I looked around the area, only to see the guard changing his shift, perfect! I pretended to go get some more water, but when no one was looking I made a turn for the exit. I tapped my finger on my leg out of habit. My heart raced in my chest as I quickly slid under the fence, and into the middle class area.

Unlike the lower class area, the middle class area had actual developed houses and roads. Each person was free to do mostly whatever they wanted. Of course there was a structure to it. Each house had to be two stories, and each straight couple had to have two children, no more no less.

Rose thorns cut into my skin as I entered into the backyard of, what I like to call, the house. It was the easiest to steal from, as the owner never remembered to lock their door. It’s like they forgot that the lower class was right behind them.

It still jarred me to open the sliding glass door. Something about it just felt so… foreign and off. So did most everything else about middle class homes.

The house was, as to be expected, empty. This was the time the owner of this house went to work. As I scanned my eyes I saw something rather surprising, a 200 dollar bill just sitting there. This is a trap. I knew they had to notice me eventually!

In order to not fall for the trap, I avoided the money and took the long way to get to the stairs. They led to the owner’s bedroom, bathroom, and an office where they had a weird black box and a cage that housed a large albino snake.

As always, I fought the urge to go and hold the snake, and went into the bedroom. Under the owner’s bed was a box that held their money. I never took too much, as I didn’t want to actually harm them, for today just 5 dollars. I also went into their… collection? They had a large amount of snake merchandise, such as a giant snake plushie that I would never dare touch. The only thing I was interested in was the small golden snake pendant. I quickly snatched it and shoved it into my pocket.

Then I went back down the stairs, still ignoring the money, and entered his kitchen. The middle class got enough food to be considered a luxury. I snacked on some of the small crackers that they had and put some in my pocket for Patton. I also drank some of the clean water from their faucet. Unlike the lake water, I loved to drink this. The cold and crisp water gently ran down my throat.

The door is opening! Fuck fuck fuck! I made the last minute decision to run out as fast as I could, and hopes that they didn’t see me.

[idkwhoiamanymorebutwtf]

“Even The Power Of The Moonstone Is Not Completely Yours”

That’s what the Blue Girl said to Cassie in Beginnings. Before that Cassie was very guilty and very hesitant. This speaks a lot to Cassie’s motives, though, doesn’t it? I mean, I've seen a lot of people talking about how Cassie seems to only have this vague motivation of “ah yes powerrrr” and how it seems so typical Disney villain. I’ve even seen people say it takes away her character. But the thing is that Cassie isn’t after power. In fact, i’d say her actual motive is to discover herself and her own path in life. Independence, success, things that aren’t bad themselves. The thing about this line that gets to her isn’t “The power of the Moonstone” because she wants power, it’s the fact that it’s “Even it’s not completely yours (hers)”. I mean, she grabbed the Moonstone because she wanted something that was her own. A path to follow, a destiny for herself, something that shows her she’s meant to be someone. Something she didn’t have to share. It wasn’t about the power held in the Moonstone. A need for power isn’t what sent her over the edge in that moment. It was her desire to have something, absolutely anything that’s just hers.

I mean think about her life. She was abandoned by her mother. Her dad loves her very much but it’s been made very clear he wasn’t always the best at parenting. For Cassie’s entire childhood she never really had the attention a kid needs and deserves to grow up healthy. Then she was a servant class worker. That’s the lowest of the low. She was literally meant to wait on and serve other’s. She was a handmaiden for gods sake. Servitude isn’t easy, even when the person you’re serving is someone kind like Rapunzel. I mean, god, the kind of self esteem you end up with being placed at the lowest point in a social hierarchy like that- which is absolutely where she was put. When you’re literally a servant you don’t matter. Your opinions, your beliefs, your values, your dreams. It’s all supposed to be set aside, it’s all supposed to come second. Servitude in general is fucked up tbh, especially for someone like Cassie. Because Cassie was NOT servant class for lack of spirit or work. She tried and tried and tried to rise above her station. And whenever a chance for her would arise, she’d be expected to put someone else first every single time. Want to join a warrior army? Sorry, Rapunzel’s sad you don’t wanna be her servant before and that your dreams matter more than having fun, therefore you gotta give up on them. Want to be a guard? Sure, only when you’re done with your impossibly long list of servant duties because those matter more, and of course you’ll look like a jerk for it because you aren’t picking Varian and entertaining his crush on you over your literal dream opportunity to get out of the servant class. You finally got your chance to show everyone you’re good enough to be a guard? Sorry, the princess has this magical destiny and you gotta go play a supporting role in that, bye. Even her attempts to help Rapunzel as a friend and advisor were shoved aside time and time again. I’ve seen people criticize Cassie in The Great Tree for getting so touchy about Rapunzel ignoring her advice, especially how she was wrong about Adira anyway, but completely forget that this isn’t the only time. This is the breaking point for Cassie. She gives advice that Rapunzel ignores in multiple episodes. For example, in Freebird, she suggests they don’t trust the random creepy strangers, but Rapunzel ignores her and they end up almost trapped as birds forever. In Goodbye And Goodwill, Cassie knows how to make the townspeople happy but Rapunzel ignores her and everyone has a miserable time at her events and actually like Cassie’s ideas, which Rapunzel ignored. I could go on and on and on tbh about all the times Cassie was right about something but blatantly ignored by Rapunzel. Many of these instances are accompanied by Eugene or someone telling Rapunzel it’s her choice, as if Cassie’s points don’t matter whatsoever. And I mean, honestly, Cassie’s whole job on the mission was to protect Raps, and it was made pretty clear that’s not needed. It’s also made clear that Cassie’s not her equal on the journey either, though. So if her role isn’t as Rapunzel’s warrior/soldier, and her role isn’t as Rapunzel’s friend/advisor, then what is it? Her lady in waiting. Her handmaid. Her servant. Take your pick of vocabulary. That’s how she was kinda treated, weather purposefully or not. I mean, in The Great Tree she’s reminded of that. “I’m not a servant” she told Adira, who replied “Oh! I thought that’s what a Lady in waiting was?” and throughout the episode that’s how she’s treated. Throughout the series that’s how she’s treated. She’s a friend, sure, but in the end she’s a lower ranking one to the people who’s opinions actually matter. The people who aren’t servant class citizens. 

Basically, Cassie, of course, feels hurt. She didn’t matter much to make her family show the affection she needed growing up. Her dreams and hopes and ambitions didn’t matter enough to get her out of the servant class. Her (often correct) opinions and concerns are absolutely never enough for Rapunzel or the rest of the group to listen to or even consider.

Cassie never mattered tbh. At least she was never allowed to feel like she did. She was never allowed to feel important or valued or even like she was on equal footing with...literally anyone. That’s what happens when your mother treats you like a servant, your adult life is spend working your ass off for your dreams and still being a handmaiden and nothing more, and when you are your best friend in the world’s lady in waiting. Cassie tried to ignore it but as she said in her song, Crossing The Line, it was a gap that Rapunzel could never let her quite forget.

Maybe in a way Cassandra wants power, but it’s not the kind some people are assuming she wants. Cassie wants power over herself, over her life, over her destiny. She tried so fucking hard for so fucking long and she thought that maybe if she just grabbed the magic stone her purpose would become clear because she has to have some purpose beyond being someone's servant, right?!? And when it didn’t do that she started to doubt herself and what she’d done.

Cassie never had a thing for herself because her entire life has been servitude. Her doubts went away when the blue ghost girl told her that the one thing she’d gone and taken for herself wasn’t actually hers. Part of it belonged to Rapunzel. Part of Cassie’s only possession belonged to the person she’d been serving. It was a painful reminder of that role, the servant class, the thing she was trying to hard to break away from. It was like she could never NEVER escape it and never own a single thing that didn’t belong to someone else first, because she as a person always belonged to someone else first. And that’s how the ghost girl got Cassie to go along with her plan. She reminded Cassie that what’s hers isn’t hers but that it’s okay because that can change. And of course after years and years of hoping and trying and working so fucking hard and taking every chance she possibly could, Cassie went with it. At this point she’s cast aside her dreams, her hopes, her ambitions, every single thing she’s ever worked for just so she can own one thing, hold onto one thing for herself because she knew that nothing was ever going to change and that all she could do was fight to keep one thing for herself. I mean, god, I remember seeing screenshots where Cassie asked “What if I don’t even have a destiny?” and that’s terrifying to see how she’s thinking. I mean, god, she had so many ambitions and hopes and she worked so fucking hard for such a long time but she’s been worn and broken down so much by her subservient role that she’s left asking if she even has a destiny at all. She doesn't have control of her ambitions, those depend entirely on weather someone else is willing to give her a chance, and they aren’t. She doesn’t own herself, she’s a servant, she belongs to Rapunzel. She doesn’t own a single thing because even the Moonstone’s power, something she desperately grabbed for herself because she needed something, anything that’s hers, isn’t fully her own either. That is terrifying. And of course as horrifying as it is for me to even fucking thing about, of course Cassie felt a billion times worse. Imagine that helpless, broken, terrifying feeling for one second. Combine that with the sheer trauma of her uncovered childhood memories which she obviously hasn’t recovered from even now. Cassie was given one chance to make a choice and do something for herself. Breaking free completely from the path of good, choosing to oppose Rapunzel, she feels like those things are her choices. She shows clear guilt and remorse at times but for the love of god can you imagine being so desperate that you ignore your conscious and everything you’ve ever stood for just for the smallest dose of some sort of glimmer of control and agency over your life? 

I mean, let’s analyze all three of her songs.

Waiting In The Wings (and reprise): 

“I was meant for glory, but that’s never what my story brings, and yet I keep on waiting”

“When you have the passion and the drive, you expect your moment center stage to arrive”

“I show up with heart blazing, ready to achieve amazing things, but i’m left waiting in the wings”

“I hear my cue and yet i’m kept there waiting, know what to do, but yet I stand there waiting. It’s always someone else who sings, while i’m left waiting in the wings”

“Always overlooked unfairly, while pretending that it barely stings, but it stings, yes it stings”

“I’ll shed no tears, i’ll only keep on waiting. If noone cheers, well I can keep on waiting. Who cares how loud the silence rings?!? You’ll find me waiting in the wings”

I mean, god, this song just speaks to the strength of Cassie. This has been it. This has been her ENTIRE life. Every. Single. Minute. And yet her passion, her drive, her ambition and hope, her blind faith that if she just keeps working and keeps working and follows her dreams one day she’ll have her big moment because that’s what hero’s get. That’s what’s supposed to happen when you keep pushing through. That is the hero’s journey. Cassandra is what happens when a hero doesn’t get their journey. And yet here she’s still standing resolute. You can feel her pain, you can tell she’s never felt anything but this. She’s so resolute, she’s always pushing through, Cassandra is brilliant, but there’s only so much rejection a person can face and so much faith a person can muster. She is a warrior stuck playing servant and that’s so incredibly frustrating but she doesn’t break until the reprise and I commend her for making it that far, honestly.

“Guess by now I ought to know my place. Do you humble duty with a smile on your face!”

“I crave so much, and yet I kept on waiting. One glance, one touch, and I just kept on waiting. And when it came, it came with strings. So I kept waiting in the wings.” 

Here Cass has to watch herself at FOUR YEARS OLD. Cleaning up like a handmaiden, waiting for someone to give her validation and for her moment to come. Here’s her, EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO. Doing the same thing as now. Being someone’s servant. Waiting for her moment. This is when Cassie realizes that she cannot keep waiting. That she’ll wish her whole life away if she doesn’t make some sort of move. Twenty two years wasted, what’s double that? Tipple? A whole lifetime? And of course seeing the thing she was waiting for back then- her mother’s love- be snatched away from her when her mother abandoned her completely? That broke her because she saw her own strategy fail. Her patience and persistence and faith thrown in her face. Her traumas and LITERAL REPRESSED MEMORIES torn back up into the front of her mind and it fucking hurt. I think this is when Cassie really realized that she had n o t h I n g. How low she really already was and that she wasn’t going to rise beyond it anytime soon. That’s what pushed her to take the moonstone, because it was literally the only thing she could ever do to get out of the path she was on, and right vs wrong doesn’t matter in the slightest during that kind of primal, desperate moment where every single scar and wound on her with open and raw and left festering and infecting for literal days.

Crossing The Line:

“This has to stop now! This thing where you think that you’ve been my friend and don’t even hear how you condescend the way you’ve always done!”

“There’s a line between the winners and the losers. There’s a line between the chosen and the rest. And I've done the best I could, but I've always known just where we stood. Me here with the luckless. You there with the blessed.”

“And the line between the beggers and the choosers, is a line you never let me quite ignore. How I've tried to cross that great divide, but I've never had the chances you were given. You don’t know how much I've been denied.”

“Well i’m not being patient anymore! I’m crossing the line! And i’m done holding back, so look out, clear the track, it’s my turn!”

“I’m taking what’s mine! Every drop, every smidge!”

“If i’m burning a bridge, let it burn! But i’m crossing the line! And for us if we’re over that’s fine!”

Now I've seen some criticisms with Cassie for calling Raps privileged and saying she’s got some sort of advantage over Cass. And I get it. Rapunzel was abused. She was locked away from the world for eighteen years. She’s got trauma. But Cassie isn’t talking about some contest of trauma and who’s had it worse. She’s talking about Rapunzel’s class and Rapunzel’s destiny. I mean, honestly, Raps is a princess and Cassie her lady in waiting. You’d have to be blind not to see the difference there. And not only that, but Rapunzel had this whole magical destiny thing going on to where a bunch of glowing stones literally lead her where she was supposed to go and she’s guaranteed the crown once her parents pass. Cass had to work and work and work to carve her own destiny and she could never get anything out of life other than literal servant even with all the working and hoping and waiting she did. Cassie did everything right, anything you could ever ask of someone, but she was just...dealt the worse hand in life, honestly. The reason she’s upset at Rapunzel about this isn’t out of jealousy, though. Raps never meant to, but she directly oppressed Cassie herself. I mean, Cass is her lady in waiting, her handmaiden, her servant. And Rapunzel treated her how any royal would treat their servant. Like she was in charge and her opinions mattered more. I’m not saying she didn’t try her best. But like Cassie said in her song, she was never quite allowed to ignore where they stood. What her class was and what Rapunzel’s class is. Lines where she’s talking about “taking what’s mine (hers), every drop, every smidge” and “It’s my (her) turn!” may feel selfish, but that’s not necessarily bad. Cassie’s whole entire life has been sacrifice after sacrifice, completely full of waiting and giving in to the will of other’s. Again, I gotta reiterate, she is literally a servant. Cassandra SHOULD be a little more selfish. What she’s did was wrong, but in her terrified, helpless, traumatized, broken mind, she realized that she was a victim of oppression- which she is- and so she reached out and grabbed the first thing she could take and she held onto it with everything in her because she just wanted SOMETHING in this world. And in her mind, Rapunzel trying to take that from her was just another example of her being treated like a servant, because that’s what she is. Cassie isn’t right to do what she did, but she’s not thinking clearly, and it’s because she’s finally realizing just what she’s really been through and realizing her persistence isn’t working, she’s letting her defense down because she realized it’s not going to work, and everything she’s tried to shove down is hitting her at full force and clouding her mind completely.

Nothing Left To Lose:

“The path i’m on is a path paved in black, i’m taking that road, and i’m not looking back!”

“Yes, it’s true, my path is dark, but I see where it ends!”

“Despise me, that’s fine, i’m taking what’s mine, even so! Not like you! You lost your nerve, you lost the game! But you and I, we’re not the same!”

“I’m not lost! This fate was mine to choose! So I chose to lose my doubt and lose my chains! Lose each weakness that remains!”

“I only want my rightful dues!”

“I lose no tears and lose no sleep! What I want I take and keep! “

Now this song was the hardest to figure out. It’s like Cassie both realizes what she’s doing is wrong and thinks its worth it, but it still doesn’t feel like she’s coming from a place of full hatred or spite. Imma use her own line from all the way back in season one to describe her. She didn’t make the right choice, she made the only choice. She could have passively went along with Rapunzel’s destiny. She could give up at any time and submit and go back to her life. But how can she? Would she go back to waiting? Go back to serving? Back to pain? Back to trauma? Back to a life where she doesn't even have the opportunity to choose anything else for herself? “My path is dark but I see where it ends”, she knows she’s the bad guy but she’s so terrified, so broken, so desperate to escape the hole she was trapped in that she’s willing to be the bad guy if she can have anything else. “I’m not lost, this faith was mine to choose” is another line that backs that up. And then there’s her line “Lose my chains”. God that says a lot. I’ve been making a lot of claims about how she feels about her position in life, and this backs it all up. She’s in chains, emotionally speaking, socially speaking, she’s a servant. Cassie’s life is captivity. Cassie has no choice, really, but to wait and hope. She had one chance to break the chains, to break free, to be a person, even if a bad one, and she went for it. Of fucking course she went for it. Cassandra is doing the wrong thing but of course she is! Doing the right thing would sink her farther into her hole of oppression and trauma and I don’t know if she’d even be able to handle that, honestly. Whatever happens, I don’t think she’ll be willing to go back to being a servant. Either she gets her chance as a hero or she follows her road as a villain, but playing support isn’t an option she’ll choose because she’s been down that road before and she’ll lose everything if she goes back to it.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Aliens “Your Planet”

Some of you guys wanted to learn a little more about Krill and his planet. It was a difficult subject to write about, and I think I missed a lot, but this might as well be a start.

As always questions, comments critiques, ideas, messages, and prompts are all welcome. I try to write the stuff that is most requested, so if you want  something written its best to request it :)

Descent into atmosphere was as smooth as ever, the atmosphere parted around them under the light of the constant sun-stream. The transport ship rattled maybe once or twice upon entry passing through the rare pockets of cloud that dotted an otherwise open sky. Krill sat buckled into his seat next to Captain Vir, who sat next to a large duffle bag reading a magazine.

All around the transport ship, eyes stared at the strange pair, wary of the towering human. This wouldn’t be the first time humans ventured onto his planet, in fact this would be the captain’s second time, but this would be the first time any outsider would be experiencing an extended stay. Shore leave had come sooner than expected, ad with human colonies cropping up further and further away from earth, it became only fair to let those members of the crew home for a holiday.

Since captain Vir had nowhere to stay, Krill had offered to show the man his planet in more detail. The man seemed pleased and had readily agreed to the idea. The captain had at first wondered if Krill wanted to go back after they had treated him so poorly the last time. Krill honestly did not understand the question, despite their treatment, they were still his species, and he had a duty to return, to be connected, and besides, next to the captain, he wouldn’t seem half so intimidating.

They exited the shuttle near the location of Krill’s hatching, he could see the distant incubation building from atop the landing pad. He ushered the captain follow him quickly, the man got distracted very easily, and he was notoriously hard to rein in. As they went they paused crowds and drew staring. Krill made his way up to the receiving window allowing them to run identification on him.

“Krill, will you be returning to your duties I the surgical suite during your stay.” Vrul asked.

“Yes, of course.”

The Vrul craned his neck upwards at Vir, “And will your friend be staying as well?

Krill nodded.

“Where would he like to apply his services?”

Krill looked up at Vir, and Vir looked down at Krill a confused expression on his human face. Krill wondered for a long moment about that. He knew the man was a pilot, but from what he understood about the human ideas of flying, no one would really appreciate his skill, “Um…. Demolition….. He’s very good at that.

The Vrul gave a curt gesture and sent them off.

Vir looked down, “What was that about?”

Krill looked up at him, “The nature of our species is communal, as long as we are here, we work together for the common good; everyone has their strengths and their abilities, and must apply them for the common good. While I am here I must provide my services, and as a guest you must too.”

Vir tapped a finger on his chin, “Sounds like communist propaganda but ok.”

“What?”

“What?” the human waved him off, “Never mind, I can destroy things, that’s cool.”

“I thought you might think that.” Krill muttered

They walked down the ramp and onto the city street krill pointing out things as they passed by, “That is the seat of the populous council, every seventh cycle we are expected to meet there to make decisions for the city, all of us, it’s mandatory.”

“You have mandatory democracy?”

“Yes? You may not like it, but our system of government is far more effective than yours.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my freedom.” The man grinned at Krill who just shook his head.

“Over there are the incubation chambers, ever year after mating season, all the eggs are housed there.”

The man paused, “Uh, Krill, I know that this is us a weird question to ask but….. I don’t think I ever asked if you were you know…. Male or female….. I suppose I probably should have.”

Krill waved it off, “My species doesn’t find those things as important as humans, mostly because we don’t have genders in your sense of the word. Under certain circumstances any member of my species can lay or fertilize an egg. However laying an egg takes much more time, so my work doesn’t allow for it.”

“Wow…. That’s…. that’s really weird…. So you don’t have…. Families?” The human seemed rather uncomfortable at that thought

“Traditionally we never did, but upon meeting other species we were introduced with new ways of doing things. Some of our number choose to raise their own offspring and many choose the traditional method. Either way children tend to be raised by the community.

“How many…. Children do you have?”

Krill gave a small shrug, “I don’t know, could be a hundred could be none, I’m not sure. Thousands of eggs are laid and thousands of them are fertilized, but it take the perfect conditions to hatch and even more perfect conditions to keep the young from dying. We lose hundreds every season, and that’s why many of us choose to do things the traditional way. It’s less painful if you don’t know which one was yours. However, after that you can petition to keep one of the grubs and raise them to maturity, generally everyone who has a job that allows for it must participate. Since my job is so demanding, I have never been asked, and have never asked.”

They stepped off the ramp into the street the human staring at him in wonder and confusion, “So I don’t get it, do you or do you not have families.”

“Depends on your definition. If you are talking about like your family, than you have to understand that my species does whatever makes sense and is logical for the survival of the species. Other species in the galaxy have families like yours, so it is logical to conclude that there is some benefit to doing it that way, so SOME of us follow that line. Others raise children by themselves with the help of the community, and sometimes you pare off with someone you like. Personally, I was raised by two such Vrul, and, as for you definition, I have a few other siblings.”

“So…. With all of that being said, does that mean you…. You could potentially have kids with any of these people.” He motioned around to the passing Vrul and their staring eyes.

Krill laughed heartily like the idea was absurd drawing a few eyes as they moved on, “No, no. As you know our species needs the perfect incubation to grow and thrive, however, there are subperfect incubation that allows for someone to be born, but allows some…. Deficits, most of these tend to be cognitive. Some are no more than children, others cannot understand abstract concepts and so on. Luckily for me, I remain a member of the class with four functioning cortical zones which makes me a member of a higher class. Due to the genetic likelihood of cortical malformation, they generally encourage members of my class to produce offspring together.”

Vir seemed to shuffle uncomfortably, “That seems kind of messed up, that seems like discrimination against the disabled, don’t you think.”

Krill shook his head, “to the contrary, each level is as important to society as the others. None can function without the duties performed by the others, however you need abstract concepts to build rocket ships. Though, unlike humans they are not treated less, and have the same pull in our council as anyone should.”

They passed by another set of staring eyes. Vir scratched the top of his head, “Wow, I never knew that about you guys…. Kind of makes me sound like a jerk doesn’t it?”

He paused, “Speaking of things that will make me sound like a jerk, is there anything I should avoid doing while I’m here.”

Krill snorted, “Probably avoid being human.”

The man snorted and nudged him playfully to the side, “You know what I mean, anything particularly rude or offensive I should avoid doing.”

Krill gave a sigh, “Captain, by virtue of being you, you are bound to scare someone absolutely sh*tless, but if they use logic like all of us do, than they will know that you can hardly help it. For me, on the other hand, it is quite rude to act against anything that is not species specified. The more human mannerisms that I pick up, the more I am forced to regulate my behavior.”

Captain Vir went silent just then, he felt bad for Krill, he didn’t mean to make him something that he wasn’t supposed to be, but what was he supposed to do? He took it as his only real option to watch and learn about this new planet. He had been here before, but now he was more fully able to drink the whole thing in. The sky was a soft pastel orange fading towards pink near the horizon. The ground around was awash strange white stone that glittered with crystal. Distantly he could hear the sound of rushing water, watching as a strange blue grey plant waved languidly from the distance. The distant mountains were a faded purple color.

In the sky two moons glittered.

It was a shocking and strange new world unlike earth in many ways. Compared to earth it was particularly vanilla for a habitable planet. Its weather conditions were downright affable 459 days out of its 461 day solar year. The creatures there were almost as affable as the weather. Due to the climate the idea of competition so rife on a planet like earth was almost nonexistent here. For every ecological niche there tended to be one primary filler of that category, or several who performed different variations of the same thing, never crossing paths.

As for the Vrul, they were also very affable. They had no definable religion as far as Vir could tell other than science and logic. Their society revolved about being a good citizen of the community. Everyone had their job and their place, and everyone was expected to contribute, anyone who could not follow those rules was quickly ostracized.

The buildings were made from the same crystalline stone that lined the streets, though they separated themselves form their surroundings with delicate architecture. The buildings didn’t tend to reach to high towards the sky usually one or two floors. As far as he could tell, transit consisted mainly of floating or walking, anything out of the city was completely public transit.

They didn’t have any form of currency mostly subsisting upon the idea that the most logical way to live involved everyone contributing equally to the societal good. It was a society that humans had been striving for, and failing for, for thousands of years always corrupted by greed. Communal ideations broke down in favor of greed, and the only way to survive in this world was by way of capitalistic ventures.

But there was an undertone to all of this, an ostracism towards the different, and the unknown or the unorthodox. It was subtle, but poignant. Krill may not have seen it, but he was a definite example. Perhaps that’s why Vir was here, because it made Krill stand out less in comparison. But it wasn’t just his human-ness that set him apart, there was something different, something that had already been there, something that had made him leave his planet to become a trauma surgeon and make the illogical decision to join a human ship.

It seemed interesting, that a curiosity, so common in humans, could be so rare in other species.

On this perfect planet, with its logical structure, communal goals, and perfect weather, they were missing something quite profound, love, companionship, joy?

Because you can only find light in the dark, so you can only see joy compared to pain.

Krill was different, Vir didn’t know how to put it into words, but Krill was surprisingly human in his inhumanity, and that made him special.

[unrequited-words]

I haven't really updated in a really long time. I think once I left my husband and moved in with my boyfriend and tried to have some semblance of normalcy I had wanted to be pretty private. for a decade I've always communicated my feelings by blogging here and now that I'm older I kind of wanted some privacy.

I am 16 weeks and two days pregnant depending when this post's it'll probably be 3 days. And I feel really fucking alone. I have no family here in Utah, his sister-in-law is the biggest fucking cunt I have ever met, his nephew as one of the most spoiled motherfukers I have ever met and his niece is the spitting image of his sister-in-law and very very fucking spoiled.

His sister-in-law has fucking balls. She has no common decency, she clearly doesn't want us living with her which is really fucking ironic considering almost two decades ago she was in the same position that we are in. The only difference? She doesn't have to fucking be quarantined while pregnant she doesn't have to struggle looking for a job while being fucking quarantined and more importantly she doesn't have someone who has a huge distain for family living with her and her husband.

I was going up the stairs earlier to throw away a bag of trash and she came through the door of the garage and she fucking saw me coming up those motherfuking stairs and instead of holding the door open she fucking closed it while I was 3/4 of the way up the stairs and I'm like are you fucking kidding me?

Later that day, I was waiting to put a fork in the dishwasher and she was already there getting silverware because she was making dinner for her family and instead of opening it for me she fucking closed it when I was literally fucking behind her and I'm like what the fuck is your damage I know you don't like me there I know I'm just another number I know I'm just another girl in his life

but have some commented fucking decency if I wasn't pregnant and if I wasn't in the situation where this is the only place we were living and if we had more options I would fucking confront her and I would State what the fuck is your damage why are you treating us like for fucking second-class citizens? Do you not remember 15 + years ago you were in the same fucking situation and my boyfriend never ever treated you the way you treat us he was never in your fucking face about almost $400 he was not in your face about eating too much fucking yogurt he was always nice and kind to you

I know times are really freaking hard right now but what the fuck is her problem? She doesn't talk to me she clearly doesn't like me sitting in her kitchen I don't fucking get it I know we come from different backgrounds but my vision of family is if I was in the position of having all of my responsibilities taking care of and my brother came to me and was in a position of I really need help I would be like pack your shit and get over here now I wouldn't treat them like shit because they aren't working due to this fucking pandemic I wouldn't treat them differently because I don't want anyone living with me

it's going to get to a point where we have our shit together and I will fucking say something to her because I'm not the type of person to hold back and I've been holding my tongue for almost two fucking months . . .

In other news I am 16 weeks and pregnant with a girl my soon-to-be-ex-husband decided his health problems are so significant that he can't work anymore even though his company was willing to work with him and he quit his motherfuking job and you know what that means for me? It means I get to look for fucking state health insurance I get to be on fucking food stamps and on cash assistance because of the situation I'm currently in I don't regret quitting my shit job because I would walk through fucken fire for my boyfriend and I wouldn't have a second guess about it

I just think it's so hilarious that the year 2020 continuously is fucking with me and shiting on me I don't get it like this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and instead of being able to do the things I used to be able to do like go on a walk or you no go to fucking work I'm basically 16 living with my dad walking on fucking eggshells in the fucking basement

I feel like I'm a fucking number to them like I'm just another girl for my boyfriend. He got married pretty young at 22 and his marriage dissolved because his wife at the time was such a fucking child. with his second marriage she completely used him he was worth at least six figures and she fucking used him and cheated on him and was okay with cheating on him because of how she was raised. They have two kids together and I can't tell you how many times over the last year he has cried with me as I held him and he is like I wanted these babies

but I married a fucking whore not knowing she was a fucking whore and she fucking used me and he keeps asking me over and over why are you here, Suzanne? I told him because I want to be here because I believe I truly wholeheartedly believe I can raise him up to be better than what he is right now and he can do the same for me . I'm not saying this is a mistake and I know I jumped in head-first but I waited to be with him while my marriage fell apart and I talked to him daily and I'm not scared that it's not going to work I just want some fucking normalcy!

I want to live in a house where I don't have someone giving me a fucking dirty look for using their dishes or not even being fucking considerate or coming at me in my face over fucking money and I hate saying it but she is a miser and a fucking do and she wasn't like this before according to him and he told me the other night he's like I'm just done with her she's changed and I think he kind of hopes that get divorced they were going to last year but I don't know why he fucking stayed I don't know why his brother stayed I know his brother loves her but from my perspective and from what I know sometimes love is not enough sometimes people change and they really show you their true colors in the beginning and you're so dumb about being head over heels in love with them and having kids with them that you fucking ignore it

I don't think his current wife ever supported him the way I emotionally support him. It takes him to drink for all of his walls to come down I can't tell you how many times I've held him in our old house and let him cry and just because they're trying to hold him up. and that's what I've wanted all along is someone to understand the fucking hell I went through when I lost my mom or trying to figure out why my brother raped me are trying to figure out why my dad believed my brother and not me I'm trying to understand addiction when it came to my mother but I haven't really like cried in front of him but I've really been to it to him about my upbringing and he fucking hates my family for the shit they put me through and he's like he just need to fucking forget them because they're pieces of shit and they are continually dragging you down and you're still living in the past and everyday when you talk to me it's always about your dead mother or your brother or your dad died and he's like you're not going to do this to our kid you're not going to be living in the past pining over family thought you had when I'm here family and this baby is your family and I knew he was right and I'm just right now so busy trying to keep my head above water and trying to grow this baby and it's really difficult being in the situation Im in

It's really gotten to the point to where even though his sister-in-law works from home because of the quarantine I wait until the last possible moment to where I can't wait any longer and I go upstairs and eat. I don't do it on purpose but I don't want to be around this batch. I don't want to have the fucking dirty look I mean she doesn't even do that to her own kids because they're her own kids or her even her husband and I know she doesn't want us to live in there but she's a fucking hypocrite

like I just I don't get it I don't have parents alive anymore both of my parents are dead and I don't get to share the joy of this pregnancy with them and it's fucking killing me that I can't call my mom and ask her what she did when she was pregnant what to do when the baby won't stop crying and I have to figure it out on my own I don't have a good relationship with my three oldest Brothers with the first and the third

I haven't really spoken to them since my mom died I haven't seen them since my mom died and even though we follow each other on social media and we have each other's numbers they don't fucking call one of them said all I promise to do better and he's such a fucking liar and a flake and the oldest one his wife just had a baby a month ago and I still haven't seen any pictures besides the one of him being first born and I even asked him can you send me pictures but I just find it so fucking ironic that he can go on Facebook live and bitch about what's going on

but he can't send me fucking pictures of his family talk about motherfuking priorities and my second oldest brother I saw him before I moved and it was really good seeing him I can't we all have families and we all have fucking lives but at the end of the day how hard is it to pick up the fucking phone and to call your sister?

It has been a current theme in my life for the past ten fucking years of wandering why don't they call me? If I cross your mind why don't they text me? but at the end of the day I have been the one that's reached out and taking pictures of their family and their kids I have spent my own fucking money on baby showers and on birthday gifts and when I'm looking for the same in return I'm probably going to get dead fucking silence I bet you that now

He'd even discussing this on social media because at the end of the day my brothers aren't going to fucking change and they're going to be like why I don't receive pictures of your baby? Why can't I see my niece? Well motherfucker why haven't you sent me pictures of your kids when I've been nothing but good to them why I have traded them like my own and I think they tend to forget that one of their wives did everything and want her pregnancies to not have a child?

when I begged and pleaded God to give me a child and it took me leaving my marriage and getting with my boyfriend to get fucking pregnant I mean yes I'm living the dream but I shouldn't be 16 weeks pregnant and fucking in tears articulating my feelings because my immediate family is complete dogshit and it has nothing to do with politics has everything to do with her fucking character and I know men are different than women and pain at the end of the day why the fuck don't they reach out when I literally have no fucking family here in Utah? The only person I have is my best friend and her husband and her six-month-old and I'm only going to have them for a couple more months because at the end of the year they're moving to Texas and that's when I know for fucking sure I will be alone

I don't get it. I am one of the most loving, kind, considerate people in the universe and when I expect them to have the same part as I do to have the same vision of family as I do it's like I can't even be met halfway and I don't know what's worse being pregnant and feeling alone with no family or suffering several horrible miscarriages or watching your mom take her last breath two two stage for right adrenal cancer or even having your own brother rape you and not being fucking believed for a decade and being treated like dog shed I really don't know what's worse

Please, universe if you hear me GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Twelve

First things first, I am so so so sorry about how long this has taken. I can’t thank you enough for your patience. I was diagnosed with influenza b, bronchitis, and a sinus infection at the beginning of November. I got sent home with an antibiotic and antiviral. I could not get better. So it was a second round of antibiotics and steroids after that. I spent 3.5 weeks sick. I have a couple of chronic health conditions that make my immune system suck so getting better from something like that may take the average person like 3-5 days. It takes 3-5 weeks for me. Most of that I was in bed and working in short spurts when I could function upright. Thankfully I work for myself so I could structure my life that way. I also did a little editing and writing on another story I was writing years ago about the Jonas Brothers to try and give some happy breaks in the day for a friend who is going through some unimaginable stuff with her family. My friend means the world to me and this story has always made her happy so if me writing more of it could give even a few moments of quiet while processing things it was worth it. So this took a backseat and I hate that. Thank you so much for sticking with me. To thank you this is a really long chapter. Over 12,500 words, so hopefully you enjoy it.

If you need a refresher or haven’t read first the first eleven chapters they are HERE.

As a warning there is a description of Charlie’s experience the weekend Sam and Michael die in this chapter. If you think this might be triggering to you emotionally you can skip over the email in this section. If you need someone to talk to after reading it please contact me. I’m always willing to listen and help you find resources if you need them.

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“Ava is Ellery’s best friend. I’ve told you about her. This is Jeremy, Ava’s Dad,” I answered. There was an awkward silence before Jeremy dropped my hand that was still behind my back and extended it to shake Alex and Max’s hands. 

“Hi, I’m Jeremy Renner. It’s nice to meet you both,” he said. I glanced over at him and he didn’t look like he had when he met anyone in my family. He wasn’t smiling his brightest smile, it was a more subdued smile. I mean I don’t blame him because he was meeting Alex for the first time and none of us had glowing reviews of her before her arrival. Well, hopefully, it was that. If it wasn’t it was because I had introduced him as Ava’s Dad, which was a truthful description of him but not a full description. It left out what he meant to me and the kids.

“Nice to meet you, Jeremy,” Max replied. Alex looked from Jeremy to me and back again. 

“You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?” Alex asked.

“I’ve maybe been in a movie you’ve seen before but other than that I don’t think so. I live in LA part-time but I don’t recognize you, so I’m going to go with it was probably a movie.”

“Mom, he’s Hawkeye in the Avengers movies that the twins love,” Savannah jumped in to add. 

“Oh of course. I thought maybe you were a friend from USC that I didn’t remember. Charlotte hung out with a lot of interesting people that I didn’t know very well.” 

“Charlotte?” I asked raising an eyebrow. “Since when do you call me Charlotte?” I knew when she called me Charlotte. It always meant a lecture was coming. She turned to look at me and I almost felt myself shrink back into the 18-year-old college student who was slightly afraid of my new roommate. I mean I eventually moved beyond being afraid of her all of the time and we became friends but that first like month of school was a nightmare. The rest was just mostly a nightmare because she was pregnant and hormonal. 

“I wasn’t sure if Ellery’s friends’ parents knew you as anything other than Charlotte.” The parents at the boys’ school all knew her as Alexandra. She forced her students to call her Dr. Barrett-Gladstone. Only a few select colleagues and friends called her Alex. 

“They mostly all know me as Charlie or don’t know me at all. You know usually that peopleing isn’t one of my greatest skills.” Jeremy started to laugh, his real normal laugh.

“You aren’t good at peopleing, really ever.” I punched him in the bicep and then shook my hand. 

“Ouch,” I mumbled. 

“You know better,” Jeremy said as he scrunched his face at me and I scrunched mine back. At this moment I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to live to see the lunch I knew was waiting in the kitchen so I didn’t. 

“Hey, you two.” THANK YOU, FRANKIE! My sister had perfect timing, coming over to hug Alex and Max so that this awkward moment could end. “Did you have a nice flight? Do you need me to help you get settled? Oh, you’ve met Jeremy right? He’s the absolute greatest.” She didn’t even pause to take a breath and let anyone answer. 

“Yes, we met Jeremy,” Alex answered very matter-of-factly. I saw Frankie’s chipper face soften. 

“Let me take you to get your luggage settled and everything. We’ve got you downstairs. There’s room for you and the boys. With Dad and Mandi being here plus Jeremy and Ava are staying here this weekend we had to do a little moving around. Sorry, you don’t have your normal room, Alex. I’ve got Frankie and Ryan in the suite above the garage because Carter is sleeping in the office. We are experiencing a little bit of sleep regression with Axel so I didn’t want any of the kids to stay in there with him.”

“Understandable,” Max said. “We are fine with the rooms in the basement. There’s a lot of space down there.” I went into the house with Frankie and Alex following me, thankfully Jeremy stayed to keep Max occupied knowing I’d need a moment alone with my sister and Alex. Judging by Alex’s facial expression through this entire conversation we were preparing ourselves for an uncomfortable conversation. We made small talk while we walked into the house, got their bags and headed down to the rooms I’d picked for them. I was a little nervous, it was the two rooms in the house that shared a bathroom, though to be honest there was another bathroom in the basement that had an outdoor entrance because of the hot tub. 

“So Jeremy isn’t just Ellery’s friend’s Dad is he?” Alex asked.

“No, he’s not. We are friends.” Frankie glared at me. “And we’ve been on one date.”

“He was the hot single dad who invited you over for a pool day?” I nodded. “And you felt that it was appropriate to hide his identity from me?”

“Well, based on experience I felt it was best to wait until there was a reason to tell you about him. There wasn’t really a reason until Wednesday. We went on our first date that night.”

“They also arrived home to all of us here,” Frankie said. “So she really hasn’t had a chance to tell you about it. But she really seems happy. Like super happy.”

“I am happy.”

“What do you mean based on experience?” I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I’m an incredibly honest person and sometimes, with Alex, honesty is not the best policy because it creates disagreements.

“Jeremy is an actor, musician, and producer. His life is very much based in the Hollywood scene you so openly despise. I’ve watched how you treated Savannah’s dad her entire life, you were hard on Michael for so long and honestly, you’re the only person who has ever asked me when I’m going to grow up and get a ‘real’ job as if my career isn’t real because it’s part of Hollywood. Jeremy’s career makes him a second-class citizen to you and I didn’t want the judgment about it until there was a reason to judge. He also doesn’t deserve your judgment.” She opened her mouth like she was going to speak and I held up my hand signaling that it wasn’t her turn yet. “He’s a great Dad, an incredible friend, and has been there for me through the hell I’ve been reliving the nightmare that this week is. He didn’t judge me, my kids or my life. He embraced us for the wild, crazy, feral family we are. He’s offered help to not just me but to my kids, my brother and your daughter. For the first time in a year, someone has made me actually enjoy my life beyond what is required of me. The last year of my life has been literal hell, he doesn’t judge a bit of my crazy and is trying to help me out of that hell. He is the first person in a year that doesn’t look at me with sad eyes, worry that I’m going to crack under the pressure, or judge my every single decision. He knows that I’m doing the best I can and wants to be here to help me do that. I couldn’t ask for a better person to have magically fallen in my lap.” Frankie smiled. 

“I’ve treated Savannah’s Dad like crap because he’s a piece of shit. He left me with that baby and didn’t look back.”

“Except the thing is he left you, he didn’t leave her. Did you know that he calls her every day? Or that he’s come to stay with us every other month for a long weekend since she moved so he could see her? Did you know that he sends me money every month to help pay for Savy’s part of the utilities? Did you know that he called me to ask if it was appropriate for him to come this weekend? She’d called to invite him because he is part of her support system and this is a hard weekend for all of us, including your daughter. You have done everything you could to sabotage the relationship between your daughter and her father because you are bitter that he left YOU. He didn’t want what had been a friends with benefits relationship to become an unhappy marriage just because you couldn’t figure out how to properly take birth control.” Frankie’s eyes bugged out of her head. I was fairly certain I saw steam escape from Alex’s ears. I’d never actually expressed my feelings on Alex’s treatment of Savannah’s Dad. It hadn’t been my place but her transferring her anger towards him to every other man who happened to work in Hollywood was my business.

“Tell me how you really feel, Charlotte.”

“I hate when you call me Charlotte. You do it in a condescending manner like I should use my grown-up name instead of still pretending I’m a kid and letting people call me Charlie or Chucky. You have spent every day of your life since you met me looking down your nose at me because I don’t behave properly, I didn’t see the value in the life I could’ve had if I'd opted for law school instead of music. I still dress like a kid and wear shorts that are too short and need to purge my wardrobe and dress appropriately for a woman of my age. Every man I’ve ever dated was a piece of trash or not good enough. You don’t get to do that to Jeremy because he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good man. One person doesn’t mean an entire industry of people are trash. I mean you were a complete and utter bitch to Michael for the first six months that he and Sam were together. You never really got much better either. I don’t honestly even know why you feel like you need to be here. You were so harsh to both of them. They weren’t raising their kids right. They weren’t living life the way they needed to. They didn’t do the right things. You sent me a text message ranting about how you couldn’t believe that they were going out on a date to celebrate their anniversary instead of staying home with their three-week-old baby. Imagine if they had stayed home the destruction that could’ve happened? You had to judge them for wanting to celebrate how much they loved each other because you were jealous. But worst of all, you are still so angry that they left those kids in my clearly incapable hands when you were the obvious choice.” 

I was almost crying by now. I hadn’t brought up to anyone the text she sent me. She’d been surprised to find out I was watching the kids when she text me that night. I told her that I had them overnight so that Sam and Michael could celebrate, she felt it was so inappropriate, they needed to be home caring for their baby not allowing me to take care of them. I still wasn’t sure which way she felt, that I was incompetent with children and shouldn’t have them or that they were being irresponsible by having a life. Frankie came to stand beside me and grabbed my hand in hers squeezing it.

“You clearly have been harboring that anger for quite some time.” Alex was ticked but she was trying to stay calm. She always told me my temper was unattractive and part of the reason I was single, when I was in a relationship she claimed she didn’t know how Patrick put up with it. 

“You think? You’ve always acted like you were better than me. I’m fairly certain I got laid more freshman year than you did but only one of us ended up pregnant. So Miss Perfect, how do you explain that?”

“Alright you two, stop this arguing. Tensions are high. You’re both grieving this weekend and grief takes different forms. Clearly right now Charlie’s is anger and well, I don’t know what your form is Alex but either way you two need to stop. This is the absolute last thing that Sam would’ve wanted. For whatever reason, she loved you both and sometimes I question her sanity because you both drive me crazy occasionally.” To the rescue came Mandi. She was even laughing which was helping to break the tension a little bit. “Alex you were up early to fly here and had to wrangle the twins and that husband of yours through LAX which is always a stress-producing experience. Charlie, you are being defensive and we both know that’s not a good thing. You have guests in your house and a man who appears to be falling for you by the second waiting outside to finish decorating for dinner. Don’t blow it by showing him that your Italian temper can make you a wee bit of a bitch sometimes.” Now I was laughing. Alex smiled like she’d won. “Alex, wipe that smirk off your face. You aren’t free of guilt in this situation. You have harbored a grudge against people for what you perceive your ex to be and that’s not fair, especially to your friends and Jeremy. It’s going to be an emotionally charged weekend and we are only a few hours away from all of Sam’s family arriving in from Reno for dinner. So take a few minutes each to calm down, get your shit together and stop being bitches to each other. While we all know that Sam secretly enjoyed watching the debates between the two of you she’d hate to see you doing that this weekend. This weekend is about loving her, remembering her, and celebrating her, not about you two and this petty nonsense.”

“Fine,” I replied. “I’ve gotta go shower anyway.” I turned and walked out of the room. I heard Alex start to bitch about something only to be shut down by my stepmom and sister. I was still angry and still about two seconds away from crying. I was also thanking the vacation gods that the whole plan for Alex and her family to stay here for 10 days had been canceled by a speaking opportunity at a conference for Alex. I don’t think this would’ve been a great start to a 10-day vacation.

“You okay,” Jeremy asked when I made it to the bottom of the stairs. He was sitting on them and clearly had heard everything I’d just screamed at my friend. I shook my head no. “Let’s go upstairs. You can shower and vent. Ok?” I nodded. He took my hand and I helped him up off the stairs. We went up to my bedroom and as soon as the door shut the hyperventilating started as the tears streamed down my face. Jeremy pulled me into him hugging me tightly. “Breathe. Deep breaths.”

“I can’t…I can’t…I can’t breathe.” Without thinking twice about it he picked me up and carried me over to the bed and laid me down before laying beside me. He wrapped his arms and legs around me, his entire body enveloping mine like a burrito. I sobbed, openly for a while. I was finally able to start breathing deeply again. Eventually, the tears stopped and I just laid there trying to avoid thinking about the fact that I’d just had a panic attack. I knew having everyone in my house was going to be hard, but I didn’t imagine it like this. 

“Are you okay now?” I shook my head. “Still need to cry?”

“Maybe, but I need to shower more than that.”

“What happened?”

“I maybe exploded. It was like 18 years of pent up anger and anxiety that just erupted out of me like I was fucking Vesuvius and wanted to murder everything in my path. It was not my best moment but she can be such a flaming bitch sometimes. I am surprised I couldn’t remain composed a little bit longer.”

“Well from what I heard you clearly needed to say what you said. Do you feel better?”

“A little, though now I’m positive the rest of this weekend is going to fucking suck worse than it was already going to.”

“I’m here with you every step of the way.”

“I really am grateful for that. But I need to shower so you need to get out of here for a few steps of the way.” He laughed at me before leaning down to kiss me, a kiss I felt all the way to my toes. The anxiety that had just ripped through my body really wanted its drug of choice, which was sex but this was a completely inappropriate time for that. So instead I kissed him a little bit longer before kicking him out, turned on music and sat down at my laptop at the desk in my bedroom.

**********

To: Samantha Madigan

From: Charlotte De Luca

Subject: One Year…

Sam,

Today is the day I’ve been dreading.

I’ve never told you what that day was like for me. I was sure if there was a way that you could find out you’d already know. But it’s time that I tell you.

A year ago you were stolen from me. It’s been a year since I really knew what it felt like to breathe. I relive that night and day over and over and over again, mostly in the form of nightmares. I remember listening to you go through the instructions you’d written for me about Axel’s feeding schedule, sleep schedule, and the lecture about giving too much sugar to Ellery because the next day was a big day and she needed her sleep. The next day you’d be getting up, dragging me around town and planning the following weekend which was Axel’s big Welcome to the World party; a party that never happened, well at least not in the way you planned. Michael and Patrick were goofing off, telling you I knew how to take care of the kids and that you’d be late for your reservations. You did end up late but the restaurant of course was so excited to see you two and celebrate your 7th anniversary with you that you were seated anyway. 

The kids were perfect. Axel fell asleep on my chest on the couch that night. Ellery did eat too much candy, but she still slept like an angel, shockingly. I had gotten up to feed Axel when he started crying. You’d warned me about the middle of the night feedings. It was 2:08 when the knock that changed my life echoed through the apartment. I had Axel in my arms and went to the door. It had to be a drunk person at the wrong door, at least that’s what I thought. Then I looked through the peephole to see two LAPD officers. The knock woke Patrick up from his dead sleep in our bedroom. I opened the door as he came into the living room, he was just in his boxers and a little embarrassed by that when he realized I’d opened the door to two police officers. You’d have laughed at him. He turned so red. 

“Are you Miss Charlotte De Luca?” asked the officer with the darker hair. “I am,” I replied a little nervous. “May we come in, we need to talk to you in private,” the second officer said. I opened the door more as they came in and shut the door behind them. “Miss De Luca, there’s been an incident at 902 Walsh Boulevard this evening. We believe that right around midnight Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick arrived home in the middle of a home invasion. Neighbors called 911 at 12:04 reporting gunshots. We arrived at the home at 12:11. There was no suspect in the home at the time and both Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick had been shot multiple times. We pronounced them dead at the scene.” I don’t think Patrick has ever moved so fast. He took Axel from my arms as I dropped to the floor. The room filled with the most blood curdling scream, after enough of the nightmares I’ve discovered that the scream was mine and what woke Ellie up.

The officers told me that the home was still a crime scene and I wouldn’t be able to get inside until the next day. They were going to need me or a family member to go to the hospital at 9:00 in the morning to identify your bodies. I was listed as your emergency contact in both of your phones and on your medical records because you didn’t have family in LA. As soon as the police officers gave Patrick all of the information he’d need he packed up the kids’ stuff, got me changed, and we headed down to the parking garage. You’d left your Mercedes with us in case we needed to take the kids anywhere, that way we didn’t have to fuck with car seats. I hadn’t said a word since I stopped screaming. I remember hearing Patrick on the phone with my Dad. He explained what happened and that we were in the car headed to his house. By the time we arrived Frankie and Ryan were both there having left the kids with Stevie. 

I was numb, a feeling that honestly lasted for weeks. I still feel pretty numb most days. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t. Every time I tried to close my eyes I imagined the police officers standing at my door. Dad spoke with the officer who had left his information with Patrick in the morning before sending us to the morgue. The police agreed to let us into the house to get things for the kids. Mandi and I got in the car with just enough time to arrive at the hospital at 9:00. Frankie had gone home to get the kids. Dad and Ryan were busy pulling up your latest will, your asset information, and anything else we’d need. Patrick went home to get me some clothes and make sure that everything your Mom and Dad would need when they got into LA was ready. 

I will never forget how cold the morgue felt. The police officer with the dark hair was there again. He went with Mandi and I to identify your body and Michael’s. I had tried to convince Mandi not to come with me but she didn’t want to leave my side. You didn’t look like yourself, even though I knew it was you. Your skin was ashen. The glow you always had was gone. You didn’t ooze sunshine and rainbows anymore. You were gone. So was Michael. They told me he had been shot more times than you. He tried to fight the intruder and they believed the intruder would be easier to find than it could’ve been because Michael was able to wrestle with him long enough that he was shot, they believed in the arm. It was likely that he would require medical attention and they were able to get enough DNA to identify him. Information was sent to every hospital on the west coast and every police department in the country. It was nice to hear though it brought no comfort as I stared down at your body. All I wanted to do was shake you awake. You had to just be sleeping, but you weren’t. 

What happened next is what haunts me, literally. I wake up most nights screaming when I get to this part. Mandi pulled up to your house, an officer at the end of the driveway stopped us and asked to see IDs. He radioed to another officer and then let us in. Your car was in the driveway, a door standing open where the intruder had opened it hoping to get it hot-wired to leave in it. He wasn’t able to and left on foot or in a getaway car, they weren’t sure. We walked in the front door to find LAPD employees everywhere. It was like a scene straight from Law and Order, I was waiting for Ice T to enter the room, it would’ve shown this was a joke because how obsessed you were with the show. There was no Ice T. There was blood everywhere, evidence markers, crime scene tape, and an obvious location as to where you and Michael had both died. Your perfectly white living room was covered in red blood. Everything was thrown around the room, the place had been ransacked before you came home. Mandi and I quickly threw items for the kids into bags so we could head back to her house. Before we left the second police officer wanted to question me again. They’d asked a few questions the night before but I hadn’t been very much help, the whole screaming uncontrollably thing was the problem. 

Once they were done Mandi put me back in the car and we headed back to Santa Barbara. We both were wishing we’d brought someone else with us because after everything we’d just seen neither of us was in any condition to drive. When we got back to the house I knew I had to sit Ellie down and let her know she wouldn't be going home. She’d wonder why were were at Nana and Papa’s. I do want to thank you for having her call them that as soon as she could talk, it made that transition in the last year much easier. Your Mom and Dad had arrived at the house, my Dad had sent his law firm’s plane to pick them up in Reno so that they didn’t have to drive. Alex, Savannah and Max were there as well, as was Stevie. Savannah, knowing that this portion was an adult thing, offered to watch all of the kids so that we could go through the will. 

Dad and Ryan gave a copy to each of us. It had just been updated two weeks prior after Axel was born. The first portion shocked everyone in the room, except me. You left the two most precious things in your world in my control. Your Mom was a little upset but understood that she and your Dad were in no condition to take on an infant. Alex was the one that made my Dad read it three times. Me getting the kids came as a shock to her. She assumed she would get them. There was a trust set up for me and each of the kids. Funds to maintain one of the houses through Axel’s 25th birthday. You essentially left everything to me and the kids. A few items, sentimental things like jewelry and other valuables, were left to your Mom, Dad, Alex, Savannah, Frankie, Stevie, and Mandi. Your wedding rings left to each of the kids. I wasn't able to say thank you for thinking of the loss my sister, Mom, and Mandi would experience. Frankie wears your diamond earrings for every special occasion. Mandi wears your emerald ring nearly every day. I don’t think Stevie has taken the necklace you left her off since the morning I was able to get everything from the house. She remembers buying that for you for the first Christmas you spent with her in London when you weren't able to get home. Savannah and I share the rest of it between us. I noticed this morning that she was wearing your favorite amethyst earrings. I’ll be wearing your sapphire earrings tonight, the something blue from your wedding. We all miss you. More than words can describe. Having these little momentos of you to carry with us helps.

As you know, I decided that it would be best for the kids and I to move to Tahoe. Leaving LA was the hardest thing I’ve experience other than losing you. I miss my family every day, but the kids are both thriving here. I’ve finally hit a creative streak now that Tony has moved to be here with us. I feel so much more at peace with him here. He and Savannah are a huge help, having them both has finally allowed me to slow down and heal. Your babies, our babies are my life. They are the reason I live and breathe. I will do everything to always take care of them, I hope you know that. They are the best gift life has given me, I just wish it hadn’t meant I had to give you up.

Tonight your family is arriving at the house with mine and Alex’s to celebrate you. To celebrate what would’ve been your 8th anniversary. Tomorrow the house will fill again with family and friends, evidently it’s possible there will be 80 fucking people here, I blame Alex. We will celebrate your life. Your funeral was a nightmare, as I’ve said before. Stevie did the best she could but she was getting so much conflicting information that it was just a nightmare. So tonight is dinner, the exact menu from your wedding. Tomorrow a casual event, a party. Don’t worry your rainbow lanterns are hung in a tent in the backyard. At the end of the evening I will walk into the part of the woods that you told me was your favorite and spread part of your ashes and Michael’s ashes so that you can live in that special place forever. 

I’ve already gotten into a fight with Alex, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Emotions are high in this house right now. But I have a safety net, don’t worry. While Patrick and I broke up the morning after your funeral there is finally someone special in my life. Someone worthy of my time and maybe someday of my heart. Our Ellery made a friend at school named Ava. Ava comes with a single Dad named Jeremy. We’ve spent the last few weeks getting to know each other as the girls have spent summer days enjoying the sunshine and having a friend. Wednesday he and I went on our first date. He’s amazing. He just gets it. He’s not in the least bit terrified about the 18 wheeler of baggage the kids and I come with. He and Tony get along well. He’s already won over my entire family and Savy. You’d adore him. He’s funny, smart, a musician, and keeps me on my toes. Alex on the other hand isn’t so sure yet, he’s an actor so you know how that goes. Tell Michael that an Avenger helps tuck his kids in bed at night.

The police did end up catching the man. His trial starts in a few weeks. I am going to go home. This is the first time I’ve actually said that. This man needs to know what he stole. He needs to know the damage he’s done. Your two beautiful kids will grow up without their Mom and Dad. I will spend the rest of my life without my best friend. If I ever get married I’ll be short my maid of honor, and yes I actually consider that there someday might be a wedding in my life. There also might not be, who knows. Doing it without you won’t feel right. 

This has been the hardest year of my life. I miss you every second of every day. I don’t think I’ve felt like I could truly take a deep breath since the knock on my door happened. The nightmares haven’t lessened as time has gone by. I don’t know that there will ever be a day where I don’t wish I could pick up my phone and call you. Our business manager tried to convince me to stop paying for your email, you know how he is, fucking penny pincher. But I can’t. I want these to be here for me, for the kids, so that if somehow there is a way that you still get email in heaven that you will always know what is going on in my life. So that when I miss you too much to function that I can tell you about life. There are fewer days filled with tears than there were a year ago. But as you know, every tear drop is a waterfall. 

Love you forever and for always,

Charlie

**********

I wiped the tears that had slid down my cheeks while writing the email away, hit send, and stood up to go get in the shower. I put some music on so that I could get lost in the process of getting ready. I knew that I’d be up here long enough that I’d get out of all of the last-minute set up things. My sister could handle it and maybe Alex would get her shit together and help, though I wasn’t going to hold my breath for that, especially after I just chewed her out. I took my time getting ready, I don’t honestly think I’d devoted this much time to the way I looked for something in over a year. I finally understood what my friends with kids meant when they talked about never having time to do anything because of kids. Most of the time I was fairly sure I was covered in half of Axel’s breakfast and mascara from three days prior. 

“Hey you,” Jeremy said. I turned to see him leaning against the door frame. I’d been in here for over an hour now. “You have pink in your hair.”

“That I do. It’s not a permanent thing, but Sam loved me with pink hair. I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her. It’ll fade pretty easily,” I replied as I unclamped the curling iron from the piece of hair I had in it letting the curl fall. I put the curling iron down on the counter as he walked towards me. He kissed me softly.

“I like it. You look super cute.” He twirled a lock of my hair with it pastel pink ends with his fingers. “Are you feeling better?” 

“A little bit. I mean I probably shouldn’t have unleashed on Alex but today is not the day to fuck with me and to be so quick to judge you, I’m just not okay with it.”

“She wasn’t totally judging me. I mean she wasn’t being warm and receptive but you were already primed and ready for a fight. She probably could’ve replied that she thought I was amazing and you would’ve still been ready to fight her. I mean she deserved everything you said. Based on what you’ve told me the relationship the two of you have has always been a challenge and the loss of Samantha has made it even harder. She was the glue that held the three of you together, without her you’re both struggling. It’s understandable but it’s made even harder by the fact that both of you are strong women who don’t admit defeat well.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“Oldest of six kids, remember. I grew up with a bunch of sisters. I know how you all work but especially how you fight. You two love each other but you are different people, especially now than you were when you were freshman in college.”

“We absolutely are. I mean she has three kids, I’m raising Sam’s two-plus half parenting her child.”

“Have you ever thought that might be part of it?” he asked.

“I’ve always thought it was a possibility. I was around for a lot of Savannah’s firsts, some of which she missed. You know how close she and I are. I used to think it was similar to how my relationship with Tony was, I mean I’m a great sister. But it’s less like sisters. She comes to me with the stuff I go to Stevie or Mandi with. I can’t imagine if I had a kid and that happened. Like if someday Axel shows up to you to ask about girls.”

“If that happens you’ll be damn happy and so will I.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because it means that I am still part of your life. And that you don’t have to have the birds and the bees talk with Axel.”

“True fucking story. I am so NOT prepared for that shit.” He sat down on the counter to keep me company while I finished my hair and makeup. He talked me through the crap going through my mind and put me at ease knowing that I’d make it downstairs just as guests were arriving. I went into the closet to get dressed. I pulled out a dress that I’d ordered online for tonight. It was a very bohemian look, something Sam would’ve picked out for me. I got it in black, which made it look a little more goth and maybe felt a little bit morbid for the situation. I knew everyone else was planning on wearing bright colors. I’d also ordered the dress in white, just in case I felt like I needed something lighter. I put on the bra I’d need to wear under it and stood in my closet staring at the two trying to pick which one I should wear. “Hey Jer, I need your opinion.”

“Yes...whoa. You are just in your lingerie.”

“Yeah, sorry. I can’t pick a color. Black or white.”

“What are your thoughts on the colors?”

“Well, for the most part, everyone is wearing bright colors tomorrow and probably tonight too, Ellie is wearing a white tunic top that looks like a little kid version of this dress. I know that it’s not meant to be a depressing night. It’s meant to be celebratory. So for that, I’m leaning towards the white.”

“And the black?” he asked.

“It’s my favorite color to wear when I’m getting dressed up. Sam and I were always the girls in black in LA when everyone else embraced color. It’s odd I know. She loved color. She wore color in her accessories and sometimes in her main clothing but when we were together she’d embrace black because my inner-goth child wasn’t ever going to wear all the colors she was. I like the idea of wearing the white so Ellie and I are dressed kind of similar, but I also feel a bit odd wearing white today since it would’ve been her day to wear white as we all celebrated her and Michael.”

“Go with the black. Your hair will make it seem less morbid and it might make your hair stand out. Then tomorrow you can wear something brighter. It is a somber day for you, no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not.” I turned and looked at him. He was standing in front of me in the pants he’d had on earlier and no shirt because we’d both been in the middle of changing. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re asking a lot of me. I mean you’re standing in front of me in a bra and panties. I really want to ravage you right now but I also know that your phone is gonna start blowing up with notifications at the gate any second. You need to get into hostess mode.”

“Ravage me? What a vivid description.” He hugged me tight to him and kissed me. As we made skin-on-skin contact I felt my heartbeat race. All I wanted to do was climb into bed, get lost in his kisses and forget about what today meant. I wanted to avoid responsibility at all costs but knew I couldn’t. “I need to get dressed,” I mumbled as he rested his lips against my forehead. “If I don’t get dressed now we are never making it out of this room.”

“I know. Clothes now, Charlie. We can pick this up after everyone goes home.”

“Yes, yes we can.” I kissed him one more time before he walked out of the closet and I slid on the black dress. It was flowy with layers of silk, chiffon, and lace. The top was all lace across my shoulders and the small sleeves. The opaque fabric started at the perfect spot to show some cleavage but also leave something to the imagination. I stood staring at my shoes in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I hadn’t ever really been a fan of heels. My normal Vans would look a little off with something like this. I opted for my black combat boots. I knew somewhere in the universe Sam was smiling. She loved that I was often the person willing to wear skater shoes or combat boots with a dress instead of heels. Alex had made us wear long dresses for her wedding and bought these ridiculously high heels. Halfway through the pictures, Alex realized I had purchased a pair of Vans that matched the dress and had them on instead of the heels the rest of the bridesmaids were wearing. I was short enough she only noticed because I’d sat down and moved the dress. The combat boots would’ve made Sam happy. She loved that I danced to the beat of my own drummer. I grabbed a black leather jacket knowing that it would eventually get cooler outside and I’d need a jacket. 

When I walked into my bedroom I saw that Jeremy was sitting on the bed putting his shoes on. He had on a nice pair of dark gray pants with a white dress shirt underneath a black sweater. He smiled at me as I walked over to him. He hugged me to him, resting his head against my stomach. It was a nice, quiet moment until the inevitable alert went off on my phone. He reached to where it was sitting on the nightstand, not letting go of me completely and handed it to me. I looked to see it was the gate alert, Sam’s parents were here. I clicked letting them in. 

“Time to go face the music,” I said.

“I know,” he replied. He stood up and kissed me softly. “You’re gonna do great tonight, honey. If you need anything just give me a signal.”

“Did you decide what our signal was?” I asked.

“I didn’t.” 

“I have a feeling you’ll be able to sense it and tonight shouldn’t be bad. Tomorrow is gonna be the day that exhausts me.”

“I know, honey. But it’s gonna be okay.” We walked out of my bedroom holding hands. As soon as we got into the living room he squeezed my hand and then dropped it as we saw all of the kids in the room.

“Hi Charlie,” Ava said as she ran up to me and jumped into my arms so I could hug her. I slid her to my hip so we could talk.

“Hey, Ava. I’ve missed you, kiddo. Did you have fun visiting your Mommy?”

“I did. But I missed you guys. I’m really excited about the slumber party this weekend.”

“I am too.” Out of the corner of my eye. I caught Jeremy pull his iPhone out of his pocket and take a picture of the two of us together. Ellery came over and Jeremy picked her up. He wrangled the four of us into one photo and took a selfie. After the girls were down and running towards the door to say hi to Sam’s Mom and Dad he leaned over to kiss my cheek. I went to where Axel was playing on the floor and picked him up to take him to see Jane and Robert. “Did you have a good drive?” I asked.

“We did,” Jane replied.

“Speak for yourself. I still don’t know that I’m made to be a passenger,” Robert added causing me to laugh. Robert and Jane were both older than my parents, they’d waited until their late 30s to have Sam whereas Stevie and Vince got married the summer after college and Frankie came the first year of law school for my Dad. Robert had recently had to give up driving, he’d been diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago and it was progressing to the point that driving had become more difficult for him. He’d been a gearhead since he was young and had always worked on cars. Giving up driving had been hard for him, I was almost glad Sam didn’t have to see her Dad give up that huge part of his identity to his disease. Jane was caring for him full-time though recently she had started to have a nurse come in for part of the day so she can get stuff done.

“Well, I’m glad you put up with being a passenger. Your grandkids miss you bunches.” I smiled as I spoke hoping for the best with tonight. Jane’s face lit up at Axel which put me at ease and made me very happy. She took him from my arms. So she could snuggle him as Ellie hugged her Grandfather. Alex approached all of us leaning in to hug and cheek kiss both Jane and Robert. I backed away and headed over to where my siblings, Jeremy, and Ryan were standing.

“You look like you need a drink,” Ryan said.

“Are you playing bartender because I absolutely do?”

“I mean I could but you have a full fucking bar outside.” I looked at him and signaled to go outside making the other three standing with us laugh. As soon as Ryan and I were at the bar he put his arm around me as I rested my head on my arms, on the bar. 

“This lady needs a shot of tequila and I’ll take one as well.”

“Make it two shots,” I said as I held up two fingers.

“Damn.” Ryan had always been a great friend. When my sister introduced me to him the first time I knew she’d met her match. “Your sister told me that you and Alex got into, I didn’t think it was two tequila shots worthy.”

“It’s more like ten but I’m hosting all of these people in my life and still trying to impress a new guy. Can’t get too wasted…too early. Watch out later once people are gone or tomorrow night. I started the weekend off with a fucking bang.” The bartender put three shots of tequila down on the bar.

“Well, cheers to your surviving the weekend.” I clinked shot glasses with Ryan, we tapped them against the top of the bar and threw them back. Before he’d even gotten done making his ‘tequila shot’ face I slammed the other. 

“Shots already,” Dad said as he walked into the tent. 

“It’s been a rough day,” I answered. He kissed my temple before ordering a drink for himself. I saw Jeremy come outside and smiled. 

“You’re stupid if you think you still need to impress him,” Ryan whispered. “I’m a guy. I can tell you with 100% certainty he is not only impressed with you, he’s blown away. You’re a fucking catch, Charlie.”

“Thanks, Ryan. You’re sort of obligated to say that.”

“Oh no, I’m not. You’re my sister-in-law. You know how I feel about my brother’s wife. Sister-in-law does not require unconditional love and support.” I started to laugh. Frankie and Ryan both struggled with his brother’s wife. She was judgmental of the way they parented their kids and the lifestyle they lived in LA. Ryan’s brother still lived in Massachusetts where they grew up and worked with their Dad. His wife was a stay-at-home Mom to their three kids who were roughly the same age as my nieces and nephew. She sold some weird ‘health and wellness product line’ that someone sold her on in a Facebook message and claimed she was going to be a billionaire someday. In reality, she spent more on the products than she was ever going to make. She constantly judged Frankie for not only working full-time but also that she’d decided to go to law school. “I love you because I love you, Charlie. You are an absolute badass and were one of the things that made marrying your sister seem like such a great idea. I mean in general your whole family was, but you are one of my favorite people on this planet.”

“Only because I am the Frankie whisperer.” My sister could be a little high-strung. I usually knew exactly what to say to make her mad at me for about 45 seconds before realizing she needed to laugh and that I was awesome. 

“You are. It’s a skill I wish I had now that you don’t live nearby anymore. She’s been extra on edge lately. If you come home for a while this summer it will do all of us a world of good.”

“I’m coming home. Just don’t tell her or Jeremy yet.”

“Good. I’m glad. I miss having you around.” I hugged Ryan one more time before Jeremy slid up beside me and slid an arm protectively around my waist. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

“I saw you and Ryan doing shots. I just wanted to check and see if that was the signal.”

“If the signal was shots we would both be fucked.” I rested my head on his shoulder as he kissed the top of it. “Thank you for being here. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I’m going to owe you big time.”

“I’m sure we can come up with an appropriate method to pay me back.” I laughed at the tone of his voice. I knew what he meant and didn’t even have to look at him to confirm the smirk on his face. As our girls came running out the back door I lifted my head off of his shoulder and he dropped his arm. While it was painfully aware to everyone here that he wasn’t just my daughter’s best friend’s Dad we hadn’t really discussed telling the kids and we’d really only gone on one date. Trying to explain to the girls what that was seemed too complicated. Especially for this weekend. 

Everyone mingled for a while. There was lots of catching up, cocktails, and awkwardness between me and Alex. Sam’s parents clearly wanted to talk to both of us but neither of us was all that interested in talking to each other. I was really doing my best not to have a complete breakdown on the chic white couch that had been delivered to my backyard earlier today while we sat in conversation with Jane about how Robert’s most recent doctor’s appointment had gone. Robert was of course off with Jeremy, Ryan, and my Dad talking about cars, a conversation I’d much rather be in.

“How was the end of the school year?” Jane asked. She had made eye contact with me while she asked it but of course, Alex started to speak.

“The boys absolutely loved their teachers this year, they were of course in separate classes so as to not confuse the teachers. They both excelled tremendously and had straight As.” Internally I rolled my eyes. They weren’t at a point where grades should matter, honestly, grades should never matter because life is way more important than if you get a B+ or an A- but Alex would never see it that way. “Savannah will be taking more classes in fall but she’s only taking one online course this summer. She’s really loving school which makes me so happy. She’s decided to study early childhood education. I don’t know if that’s a permanent thing but following in my footsteps as a teacher would make me so proud.”

“Kindergarten went as well as could be expected,” I finally answered seeing the smile on Jane’s face change because Ellery was the kid she really wanted to hear about. “Ellie struggled with friends, for the most part, she’s very much her mother’s daughter, she doesn’t need a ton of friends, just a few great ones. She found Ava and latched on for dear life. They are inseparable which makes me really happy. This week was a bit rough, Ava was in Los Angeles with her mother so Ellery was a bit lonely. They’ve been able to still see each other nearly every day of break.”

“Ava and her Dad both seem wonderful,” Jane said. “I love seeing Ellie so happy with a friend.” I glanced at where Ellie, Ava, Harlow, and Aria were dancing together. 

“I do too. Ava is a great kid. It’s nice that they have built a friendship that even at such a young age is so close. It will also be nice that when we do need to be back in LA for something that it’s possible that Ava will be there too. Having kids with multiple homes is a struggle for friends, Ava was like the perfect fit.”

“Her Dad seems like a great fit too.” Jane nodded in Jeremy’s direction, his laugh had risen above the volume of the conversation and made me smile.

“He really is. He’s been an absolute blessing to have around. Tony’s surprise relocation was made significantly easier with his help. He was here to make sure that the guest house was ready for Tony to move into. He has helped with the kids when I needed to help Tony with stuff. He’s been a great addition to our lives. It’s also nice to have an adult friend who lives in Tahoe. The Moms at school and I never really meshed. My journey of motherhood has been so different than theirs. There isn’t a whole lot to relate to them about.”

“Understandable,” Jane said. “It’s nice that you’ve found that with Jeremy.”

“It is.” I smiled again. I could tell it was the giant smile that if Sam were here would make her immediately start doing her ‘you’re in love’ happy dance. I wasn’t in love but I was very much in like.

“How long does Jeremy plan on staying in Tahoe?” Alex asked. “He is an actor after all. I assume he has a movie set to get to.”

“He will at some point. It’s not really my business what his work schedule is like. I know that he’ll need to be in Atlanta at some point later in the year and that he has some work in LA later this summer. He slowed down his workload a lot with Ava starting school. Being a Dad comes first, the rest is secondary.”

“Will you be back in LA at all this summer?” Alex asked. I could tell she was pissed that she didn’t know the answer to this question.

“Yes, for how long though I don’t know. I think the plan is to do Ellery’s birthday party at my Dad’s place in Santa Barbara. Jane, I know with you being in Los Angeles for the trial that you’d be there and would need to travel back to celebrate our little girl turning 6 so we’ve started talking about planning the party there so you can stay at my condo and not have to travel back. Plus Ava will be in Los Angeles as are my nieces, nephew, and the twins. So we thought it just made sense for the group of us to go to LA instead of everyone coming back here for a birthday party. Outside of that, I’m really unsure how long I’ll stay. I need to start getting things prepared for fall. I need to get Ellery into a dance class and start finding some opportunities for Axel to make friends. The little guy needs more social interaction than Ellie, Ava, Savy, Tony, Jeremy and I.”

“He’s just getting so big so fast.” I was happy to see that his grandmother’s face showed love when talking about him. “He looks so much like Michael.”

“He does. He’s got a lot of his personality too. It makes me happy to have a miniature version of each of them around the house. Ellie and I sing musicals every morning while we get ready. Axel is already showing interest in drums. Tony has been playing them and Axel just sits there staring wide-eyed at him as he plays.”

“You and Sam with your musical mornings were the absolute worst,” Alex said laughing. “How does Ellery already know the words to them?”

“We listen to musicals instead of Kidz Bop.” It was sort of a ‘duh’ response but honestly, what did Alex expect the answer to be? Sam and Ellery had listened to musicals every day. She’d been able to sing the lyrics to Disney songs before she was actually able to form complete sentences on her own. “Her favorites are Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, and Rock of Ages. I mean we still listen to Disney soundtracks too. Let me tell you about how I know all of the words to every Descendants song. She picks up the lyrics to everything so quickly. We sing all day every day. It was something she loved doing with Sam so we still sing.”

“I’m so happy you’re keeping music in her life the way that Samantha and Michael always had. It’s a unique way for her to channel her emotions. It had always been such an important part of who Sam was.” Jane smiled at the memory and it tugged a little bit at my heart. “I remember her writing her first song when she wasn’t that much older than Ellery. It was absolutely terrible but as a mother, it was also the best song I’d ever heard. I can’t wait for Ellie to start writing her own music.”

“She’s getting close. I hear her singing to nonsense to the cats most days. She has completely choreographed dances to the entire Greatest Showman soundtrack. She’s possibly going to grow up to be an actress with her stage presence.”

“We can only hope that doesn’t happen,” Alex said. I rolled my eyes and this time it wasn’t all that hidden. 

“Whatever she does when she grows up I’m going to be proud of her. Singer, sales manager, actress or activist whatever that little girl puts her mind to she’s going to do perfectly.” I stood up. “I need to go check with the caterer to see how soon it is for dinner. Excuse me.” I walked to where Frankie was talking to the catering chef. 

“I am fucking miserable,” I mumbled. “Why did I agree to this?”

“You love Sam and Michael and you wanted to do this to honor them. It’s gonna be okay. Dinner will be served in about 20 minutes, they suggested we all get seated,” my sister answered.

“Oh thank fucking god. I also need another drink.”

“I have selected a wine for dinner that I can have served as soon as everyone is seated,” the chef said.

“Perfect.” I grabbed a fork from the table that was right beside them and taped it against the glass. “Hello everyone. First I want to say thank you to everyone for joining the kids and I tonight to celebrate as a family the life of Sam and Michael. Tomorrow will, of course, be filled with friends but tonight it was important to me that it just be the family.” Ellie came up to me and I reached down to pick her up and hold her. I felt my dress hike up weirdly and knew that somewhere Alex was huffing about how terrible my behavior was. “The chef has let me know that we are about 20 minutes away from dinner being ready and asked that we start getting seated. Ellie Belle, did you want to say anything first?” We’d practiced this yesterday and again today.

“My Mommy and Daddy were so lucky to have all of you in their lives and…” She paused clearly forgetting what was next. I whispered into her ear. “My baby brother and I are lucky to have all of you too. Thank you for coming tonight. Enjoy!” Everyone clapped as I kissed Ellery’s cheek.

“You did perfect baby girl.”

“Do I get to sit with Ava?”

“You do. There’s a little table set up for you, your cousins, the twins and Ava. Are you okay with that?” I asked. “You can sit with me if you’d rather.”

“No, I want to sit with my friends.” I hated the idea of the kids all having to sit together and away from the adults but it made the most sense. The table was set up right beside our main table and within reach of me, Savannah, and Frankie. I put her down and she ran to take her seat with her friends.

“She did so great,” Jeremy whispered in my cheek before kissing it softly. “Your practice run yesterday and today was totally worth it.”

“Tomorrow’s will be easier. She and Tony have practiced a song that they are going to do so she doesn’t really have to talk.”

“That will be fun. You ready to sit down?” I nodded. Jeremy put his hand on the small of my back as we walked towards the middle of the table where we were seated. I had Frankie on my other side and was directly across the table from Alex. Jeremy pulled out my chair and helped me sit down before taking his seat. The waiters came around pouring wine for everyone and leaving the bottles in ice buckets. “Alex, Savannah tells me that you just finished publishing your 6th book. Congratulations.” He was so cute for trying so hard.

“Thank you. It was a labor of love. I’m working on the next edition of a textbook I’ve written and should have it finished up in the next few weeks so it hits bookstores in time for fall classes.” Like every good professor, Alex wrote the textbooks she required her students to use so she made money off of them beyond being their teacher. 

“That’s great. I stole one of your books off of Charlie’s bookshelf and started reading it last night.”

“Which one?” Alex and I both asked. 

“I don’t remember the title. It was about how marriage, divorce and gender norms are portrayed in modern literature. It seemed pretty interesting. Having been divorced and the amount of reading I do for my job it was insightful. Something of the things I wish I’d realized before I got married.” I laughed, Jeremy made light about his divorce a lot. It was like me and my self-deprecating sense of humor. I think it’s part of why we got along so quickly, our humor is similar.

“Interesting that you’d pick that off of her shelf. Charlie has quite the collection of books.”

“I thought it might be nice to read one of your books before you got here. Charlie and Savy have both talked about your writing before so I was intrigued.”

“So Jeremy, I’m sure that Tony and Ryan have both asked but can you tell me anything about the next Avengers movie?” Max asked. I laughed as he betrayed his wife and fell victim to the same thing every other man ranging in age from 5 to 95 did when meeting a superhero. He’d attended a midnight showing or two with a group of us over the years.

“I can’t. Honestly, I don’t even know what the hell happens in it. They didn’t give anyone a full script for any of the movies after the first one. Mark tends to blow the secrets so they don’t let us see a full script. We get copies of our lines for the day and have about an hour to memorize them. I wasn’t even 100% sure I wasn’t in Infinity War until it came out.” I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m sure that gets annoying.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I get it. I grew up loving Spider-Man so I understand.” It was a canned response but I appreciated that he wasn’t trying to make Max feel like an idiot. 

“He also has put up with both of my brothers,” I said. “Can you imagine Tony and Ryan around this guy? Every single theory and question possible has been asked. There’s nothing that they haven’t already tried.”

“She’s right,” Tony added as he sat down next to Jeremy. “He’s tolerated us well.” Jeremy squeezed my brother’s shoulder.

“I don’t put up with you, kid. It’s more that I put up with your sister. She’s a handful.” My mouth dropped open and I punched him in the arm. “Ow.”

“She is a handful. I forgot what living with her was like.”

“You’re an ass sometimes,” I said quietly hoping the table filled with kids behind us didn’t hear me.

“You like my ass.” I rolled my eyes. 

“See what I have to put up with. These two tag team me. The last couple of days have been worse. Jeremy and Ryan have bonded.”

“Yes, yes we have,” Ryan added from his seat beside my sister. He and Jeremy high-fived over our heads. “He’s pretty cool and is pretty good at putting up with Charlie.”

“I hate you too, Ryan.” 

“You’re getting tag teamed by all of them,” Alex said. She smiled and it looked like her real smile. Was she going to crack and be okay? I wasn’t going to hold my breath but I was hopeful. Eventually, everyone was seated and the chef signaled that he was ready to bring out the food. I moved my chair back and stood up. 

“I want to first thank all of you for coming. This weekend is something I struggled with. I didn’t know how to approach it. It’s a hard weekend but today is also a celebratory day. Eight years ago tonight all of us gathered together to celebrate Samantha and Michael’s wedding. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. Seeing my best friend so immensely happy and marrying the man of her dreams was as much a dream come true for me as it was for her. She deserved all the happiness the world had to offer. I saw her that happy a year ago too.” I felt the tears sting my eyes and my throat close up. Jeremy grabbed my hand, squeezing it. I glanced down at him to see him say ‘you’re okay’ and I took a deep breath. “Sam and Mikey dropped the kids off to me as they went out to celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss. They looked so happy. Having that image in my mind is what has gotten me through the last year, along with the support of all of you. The kids and I have come out of this year stronger than any of us could’ve imagined. It’s because of all of you. Tomorrow is an anniversary that I will dread for the rest of my life but today is the anniversary of one of the best days of my life. So tonight we celebrate the incredible, beautiful, and loving relationship that Sam and Michael had. We celebrate the two amazing children that relationship produced and we celebrate the family that has been created because of the love Sam and Michael shared. To Sam and Michael,” I said as I raised the glass of wine I had.

“To Sam and Michael,” the voices at the table responded. I took a drink of my wine before sitting back down.

“You did great, sis.” Frankie leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“You really did,” Jeremy said. 

“Thank you.” I glanced back at the table of children all happily coloring the coloring sheets that Ellie had insisted I get for all of them. They were copies of the coloring sheets that Sam had made for the wedding. It made me happy to see all of the kids coloring all over them. Dinner went nicely. The conversation flowed well and was polite. There were a few fun stories shared about the wedding, Sam and Michael, the kids, and our fondest memories. It was, in general, a really happy and cheerful occasion which is what I’d hoped it would be. We said our goodbyes to Sam’s family as they were headed back to Reno. 

Once they were gone the night started to quiet down. All of the kids were put in bed despite their continual protests. Seeing all four of the girls crowded into Ellie’s room made my heart feel so full I thought it might burst. All of the adults ended up in the kitchen and living room with the remaining wine from dinner. 

“So are you going to apologize to each other?” Frankie asked Alex and I.

“I mean I’m sorry I yelled. But I’m not totally sorry about what I said. I’ve always felt like you judged me and thought like I was less than you. You’re the only person who has ever questioned my career choice and whether it was conducive to raising a family. Honestly, sometimes the things you say to me are so horrible and it’s like you don’t care that you hurt people with your words,” I said.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I also know that sometimes you can be extra bitchy when you’re stressed and clearly you’re stressed.” Of course, Alex’s apology was the world’s most common apology. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ nowhere does she take ownership for how she makes others feel. 

“Ya think? I have a house full of people and generally speaking, I hate people.” Both Alex and Frankie laughed.  “I knew there would be a million questions about what is going on in my life right now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Jeremy?”

“Your exact response to him when you met him. You judge everyone in his profession because of one person. That’s not fair.” She rolled her eyes. She didn’t like being called on this, ever. “I hadn’t honestly told anyone in my family about it. Okay, that’s a lie. Stevie knows about him. She can tell by the tone of my voice if I’ve met someone. It’s her 6th sense, discovering romance.”

“He seems nice, but I just worry.”

“You worry for no reason. First of all, we’ve been on one date. One date that ended in my kitchen with my entire family. He didn’t run for the hills at that, which most sane men would. And for some reason, he didn’t bolt from the house witnessing me turn into a complete psycho bitch on you earlier. So he either kinda likes me or is completely crazy.”

“I’m a little of both,” Jeremy said as he approached the three of us, he wrapped his arms around my waist kissing just below my ear. With the kids in bed and the amount of wine we’d both had tonight, we were a little more touchy than we had been at dinner. “Alex, I have no intention of hurting her. She’s an incredible woman who frankly I’m surprised I got to agree to go on a date with me.”

“You almost didn’t.” I laughed as I spoke causing everyone else to laugh.

“She blew him off for like two weeks Mom. He’s been persistent in convincing her that not only is she allowed to have a life but he’d like to be part of it.”

“I promise, I’m not neglecting the kids. I’m not making your child raise my kids.” Her face contorted at ‘my kids’ and I knew she didn’t like the way I phrased it. They weren’t my kids, but they were mine.

“You should’ve been honest with me, even if you thought I’d be mad.”

“Yeah, because walking into one of your lectures is my favorite pastime. I know better. There wasn’t anything to tell you then. There is now. So I’ve told you. Jeremy isn’t likely going anywhere. Ava and Ellie love each other and it makes me happier than I could imagine to see her that happy. Added bonus her Dad happens to be mildly attractive and single.”

“Mildly attractive?” Jeremy asked as he leaned back from me, a look of shock on his face.

“I don’t need to enlarge your ego. I have to share a bed with it tonight.” This made the other people in the kitchen laugh. He laughed at me before giving me a kiss. It felt comfortable to be with him even if it was in front of my family and friends. He fit into this group of people perfectly and watching him expertly navigate all of them today had made me fall a little bit more for him. 

“Mmmmm bed.” At the mention of the word I yawned. “We should go to bed. You tossed and turned last night.”

“He stayed here last night?” Alex asked her voice again dripping with judgment.

“He did. I’ve been having nightmares where I am in their house, blood, and bullets everywhere and then I’m in the morgue staring at Sam’s cold, dead body. I typically wake up screaming. He thought that staying here might be nice so that I wasn’t alone.” Alex’s body sank. 

“I didn’t realize you were still having nightmares,” she replied.

“Yup.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Thanks,” I replied. “Let’s go to bed.” I was done with this day. I didn’t want to deal with Alex anymore. I wanted my quiet bedroom. My warm, comfy bed. Jeremy’s body lying next to mine. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to sleep.

“Get some rest, sis,” Frankie said. We hugged before Jeremy and I said the rest of our goodnights and headed up to bed. We were quiet while we changed into pajamas and I went through my nightly routine. I walked into my bedroom and climbed into bed next to Jeremy. He’d gotten in bed and turned the tv on. I said nothing I just curled into his body and laid my head on his chest, which had no shirt covering it tonight.

“I am sorry today was such a shit show.”

“You don’t owe me an apology. I get it. I’m honestly proud of you. You could’ve maybe handled it differently but being honest is something you needed to do.”

“I didn’t need to be a bitch but I don’t know that I’d have been capable of not being a bitch.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure things will be okay in the morning.” He ran his fingers through my hair. I started to relax and get tired.

“Thank you for being here today and staying here tonight. It means a lot. Like more than I can really explain.” I moved so I could look him in the eyes, my chin resting on his chest. He bent down to kiss me.

“Nowhere else in the world I’d rather be, Charlie.” 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PHEW! That was a lot. I know it was heavy and emotional and just...a lot. Charlie had CLEARLY been holding in some feelings about Alex for a really, really long time and just sort of word vomited them. Could she have handled it better? Of course. But I probably would’ve done the same thing. When you break a person it’s hard to get them to stop. There’s hope that things will be okay, but it will obviously take work from both of them that they may not be ready for. There’s a lot of baggage there to work through. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like Alex, but I have and let me tell you, they are hard friendships to maintain. Most of the people like that in my life are gone. It was healthier for me to let the friendship go. 

Charlie’s family is basically my favorite thing. They are loud and crazy and fun and giving her shots before a dinner party. She’s lucky to have them and she knows it. Having all of them with her as she’s going through this weekend is good for her. Whether it’s her sister taking care of the party, her step-mom helping with the kids or Ryan there for comic relief everyone knows their job and fulfills it perfectly. 

And Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy. He is like the sprinkles on a donut, the cherry on a sundae, or the star on the top of a Christmas tree. He’s the perfect addition to the circle of people she’s built around her. He can read her. He wants to be there for her. No judgment, no prerequisites, nothing. He just wants to be there because he cares deeply about her. And she cares about him. Their relationship is developing beautifully into something that will have a significant impact on them. For Charlie to be willing to let someone in is a huge thing. For Jeremy to be willing to take on the challenge that Charlie’s life and circumstances bring is a huge thing. They each come with their own baggage and they are allowing each other to unpack it in a way that isn’t forced or uncomfortable. Writing their relationship as it develops makes me really happy and I truly enjoy doing it. So you reading this and enjoying it is the icing on the cake for me. 

Now the hard part. The email. I didn’t know how to fully convey what happened the year prior. I felt that Charlie’s emails to Sam were the best way to do that. She feels like she’s still able to be her most authentic self in those emails, the way she was with Sam when she was alive. Telling her truth and the way that the weekend haunts her was a huge part of healing and grieving. Telling it to Sam was the biggest part for Charlie. She’d never in those emails been honest about what happened. She sent happy snippets of life and the kids. Sure she has told her she’s sad and she misses her but to explain every detail of that weekend and what she went through was a moment she needed to get to. She needed to feel okay writing the words down, it might help her get through the nightmares a little easier.

I hope you’ve loved this chapter. It was a labor of love to write. I cried writing the email. I read it aloud to my Mom (who is probably my biggest fan - I am so lucky) and I sobbed. I openly wept. Not because I think I’m some phenomenal writer. But because Charlie lives inside me. She’s in my mind, in my heart. I become friends with my characters as I develop them and Charlie is someone I want to protect and keep safe. I want to take her pain away and telling that story was hard for her and for me. I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter. It would mean the world to me. My hope is that I can get started on the next chapter soon but playing catch up from being sick for 3.5 weeks with work has been challenging. Tonight I gave myself some time off to finish this because it was important to me.

Thank you for everything.

xx. Annie

[pain-somnia]

October Prompt: Blood Title: Something Rating: M (for minimal sexual content) Day’s Notes: one of the monthly prompts from the ss server (don’t ask me for an invite I can’t invite you, you have to DM the mod @saradacchi ); if I’m feeling better I may continue this in a second part in fact I already started it; this idea came to me while I couldn’t focus on my wips so I typed it away; yes it’s a vampire au, the prompt called for it

The rules were simple. No drugs, no alcohol, no extreme diets. A donor couldn’t be underweight and they had to submit themselves to bi-weekly physicals. Sexually active donors were to be screened for sexually transmitted diseases frequently.

Sakura just wanted to pay for school.

She knew there were negative connotations to being a donor. Selling blood to feed the vampiric citizens of the world was looked down upon by her fellow humans, despite the fact that blood donations were part of the peace treaty between the two species and were supposed to be anonymous.

Sometimes were anonymous.

Being a donor was supposed to be impersonal. A human went to a blood bank, got their blood drawn and they would receive a check from the government every month.

The process was advertised the same way fertility clinics advertised egg donations. The vampires only wanted young and fit donors to keep the blood of a pure quality that was safe for consumption.

Humans provided healthy blood and vampires protected them from those that would slaughter them for their meals, unnecessarily killing a human when there was no need to drink them dry to feed.

In order to supply the vampires with the blood they needed for nourishment, the human government paid citizens as an incentive to keep them donating.

And Sakura really needed the money. Med school wasn’t going to pay for itself.

It was tough to juggle school work and a job. And although donating paid well it wasn’t lucrative enough on its own.

At least not when she was a cold donor.

For a price, vampires could get their blood fresh, straight from the source. It was the preferred way to feed but not all vampires could afford it. Before the treaty they took it as they wanted it, but without knowing the source well they left themselves vulnerable to disease.

Vampires were stronger and they lived longer, but they weren’t invincible.

. .

Eight o’clock on the dot there was a knock at her door. He was always punctual.

Turning down the corner of the page she was on, Sakura set her book down and gave herself one more once over in the hallway mirror.

Her guest could have entered anytime he wanted. Not only was he too strong for the lock to keep him out but Sakura had given him a key to her apartment already.

“Is it because I have to invite you in?”

“It’s because my mother raised me better than that and she would skin me alive if she knew I was coming and going as I pleased from a woman’s home.”

Sakura was learning that a lot of the myths she grew up with about vampires were false, stories made up by humans to give them a false sense of security.

“You’ve been staying up late again,” was the greeting she received. Sasuke pushed past her with two bags of groceries in hand.

First myth debunked: vampires needed an invitation to enter a home.

“What gave that away?” Sakura retorted sarcastically. She knew she had bags under her eyes from late night cramming. “I just finished exam week.”

“Which means you haven’t been eating properly of course,” Sasuke muttered, pulling out packaged meat and vegetables. A head of garlic rolled on the counter and Sasuke stopped it before it could roll onto the floor.

Second myth debunked: vampires were weak against garlic.

Instead of taking out garlic from Sakura’s diet, Sasuke had added more of it. Garlic apparently had properties that helped her maintain healthy blood circulation and reduced levels of LDL cholesterol.

The pungent odor was irritating but of course it would be considering vampires had a heightened sense of smell. But that’s all it was, just a small annoyance.

“What are we making tonight?”

“Stir-fry.”

Her favorite nights of the week were when Sasuke came over. They would cook meals and chat━her more than him━and it would feel a little like what having a boyfriend was like.

It felt even more so like that when they made their way to her lumpy couch and Sasuke trailed his fingers under her shirt and up her back.

“Sakura…” Sasuke breathed against her sternum. His fingers trailed back down her back, smoothing over her waist before settling on her hips.

She chanted his name as she rode him, his hands on her hips guiding her movements hidden under her skirt. Sakura pressed her body closer━wanting more, aching for more.

Sakura was just reaching her peak when a sharp pain stung at her neck.

Right. That’s what he’s here for…

Sasuke lapped lazily at her neck in tandem with his final thrusts as he came down from his own release.

“Enjoy yourself?” Sakura muttered as she watched Sasuke lick his lips, savoring every drop of blood.

Sasuke kissed her instead of humoring her with a response. His tongue rolled against hers and there was a coppery after taste.

“You should brush your teeth after eating.”

Sasuke only laughed through his nose and kissed her again.

. .

“Fangbanger.”

Sakura dropped her hands from her task of tying her hair up and glared at the other occupants of the gym locker room. The other women whispered to each other in the corner of the locker room, an occasional snicker coming from one of them.

Ignoring them, Sakura stuffed her bag into her locker and tied her hair up as she walked past them, not caring if her bite mark showed.

Not all warm donors had the kind of relationship she had with Sasuke. Most vampires met their donors at the blood bank and had their meal. Most donors weren’t as exclusive but she and Sasuke were one of the exceptions.

. .

“So you’re like...a cop?” Sakura eyed the uniform Uchiha Sasuke wore to their interview.

“That would be the equivalence, yes.”

Sasuke shifted in his seat. Sakura narrowed her eyes at the action not sure what to make of it.

Why would a vampire be nervous of a human?

“How old are you?”

“Not a very original question,” Sasuke scoffed. He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Twenty-three. We’re not all ancient. The oldest vampire I know is my great-great uncle Madara.”

“Oh. We’re almost the same age…” Sakura expected him to be much older than her, not only by a year.

“So you’re a student?”

“Yes. I’m studying to be a doctor.”

Sakura tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She expected a question about the color but it must have been obvious that it was natural. Donors weren’t allowed to bleach their hair.

“It’s weird trying to get to know each other like this, huh Uchiha-san?” Sakura wrung her hands in her lap. “The technicians are sitting fifteen feet away from us and it’s just kind of unnatural. I guess it’s like if I went and talked to the pig that would eventually be part of my katsudon.”

Sasuke frowned, the corners of his mouth pulling down and a wrinkle forming between his perfect eyebrows.

“My mother said to treat this as an omiai.”

One of the technicians cleared their throat and Sasuke threw a glare in their direction.

“Oh.”

“Ignore the fact that I’m a vampire.”

A very hard task when there wasn’t a human alive she knew that looked anywhere near as beautiful as the man in front of her. He was more beautiful than most vampires she had seen in passing as well.

“We are learning about each over tea, seeing if our ideals match up, and figuring out if we want to enter a commitment with one another.”

Yeah, sure. Sakura wanted to roll her eyes but held back. And we ignore the fact that you’re paying to snack on me.

But he was her age and beautiful and when he did speak he was smart and funny, although what he usually found humorous was to tease her.

“Because of my work hours it would be more suitable for me to make house calls instead of coming in at the allotted appointment times the facility schedules. Would that be an issue?”

“That would actually work better than having to swing by the blood bank.”

Sakura was relieved. The blood bank was out of the way and even though they reimbursed her for the travel expenses she was usually cutting it close when it came to her class schedule or would have to take an entire day to be two cities over.

“Then it seems our preferences match.”

Sasuke smiled at her, just wide enough for her to catch an elongated canine.

“What’s your blood type?”

. .

After that meeting they set up a schedule for when Sasuke would meet with her for his feedings.

Sasuke would typically come early evening before his shifts but sometimes he would text her or call her to let her know he wouldn’t be coming around until late.

But on the evenings he came early he would bring groceries or hot meals.

“If vampires don’t need to eat why do you know how to cook?”

“Food is enjoyable but it doesn’t fill us or keep us healthy the way it does for humans. It’s sort of like what candy or coffee are to humans. You don’t need it but it’s something you enjoy.”

A knock on the door at nine o’clock had Sakura shuffling to her front door. It wasn’t until she opened the door did she realize that she hadn’t eaten dinner yet.

“Of course.” Sasuke looked down at her impassively.

“I have been studying for the MCAT.”

Sakura squeaked when Sasuke pressed his nose to her throat. His breath was hot but it caused a shiver to run down her spine.

“You’re becoming iron deficient,” Sasuke scolded her as he pulled away. “How many meals have you been skipping?”

“I get busy and I forget,” she mumbled, following Sasuke into the kitchen.

She cringed when he opened her fridge and turned to glare at her. He gestured to the nearly empty fridge and silently demanded and explanation.

“I’ve been really busy.”

“You’re going to collapse one of these days.”

Sasuke packed her fridge up with groceries and pulled out what he needed to prepare a pasta dish. Sakura never brought it up but Sasuke seemed to have a preference for western dishes made with tomatoes.

“How’s work?” Sakura asked. She sat on the counter swinging her feet as she watched Sasuke bustle around her kitchen. “Same old, same old?”

Sasuke nodded as he offered her a plate of food.

“I hate paperwork.”

“It can’t always be chasing down out of line vampires,” she giggled before stuffing her mouth with spaghetti.

Their evenings were quiet but Sakura enjoyed the company. Especially when he kissed her gently, just the two of them in her kitchen.

“Sasuke-kun?” Sakura questioned as Sasuke pulled away from her.

“My break is almost over. I have to head back.”

It wasn’t the first time he left without feeding. And just like the other times Sakura was confused about where they stood.

. .

He didn’t sleep over often but there were times he came over really late and crawled into bed next to her. Sakura would wake up, curled against another body, and smile fondly at the sleeping face of the vampire next to her.

Her bed was too small for two but it didn’t stop Sasuke from slipping under her covers and entangling his limbs with hers.

We’re strange aren’t we?

Sakura couldn’t put an exact name to it, but their relationship while odd was something.

Not just vampire and donor. Not just friends.

But something. Right?

. .

Sakura stared at the bottle the technician slid across the counter to her.

She was waiting for the results of her monthly pregnancy test, something donors with the capability had to submit to if they were sexually active. Although she was on birth control they had to make sure.

Humans couldn’t be donors if they were pregnant.

“Why do I need to take supplements?”

“Because although you are in perfect health, the vampire assigned to you has still been collecting cold donations.”

The technician flipped through the file in her hand and nodded to herself.

“Uchiha-san seems to not be getting all of the nourishment he needs from his warm donor—you, Haruno-san—which is unsettling. If the supplements do not help then there may need to be a change in assignment.”

A different technician approached them and handed a slip to the technician handling her physical.

“Results are negative. You are clear to continue your donor duties. We’ll see you at your next appointment.”

Sakura nodded and collected her appointment reminder and her supplements.

. .

Her thighs were his favorite place to bite. Usually.

Sakura’s brows drew down in confusion as she tried to catch her breath. Instead of the usual nips that followed, Sasuke dragged his lips up her torso, pressing kisses on her stomach.

“Sakura,” he panted, voice breathy against her ear as he thrust inside of her.

Vampire. Donor. What did it matter when it was just them, connected, and he touched her the way he did? Said her name the way he did?

We’re something, right?

Sasuke kissed her as he came, moaning into her mouth. Sakura cupped his face in her hands and held him to her, wanting to be closer, not wanting to let go.

. .

It wasn’t until rays of sunlight broke through the crack of her shutters and she woke to the steady breaths at the nape of her neck that she realized that he hadn’t bitten her at all the night before.

Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t just about that.