#but if it poops there is up to chance

[victorluvsalice]

Not-Incorrect Valicer Quotes, Valicer In The Dark Edition, Volume II

Smiler: [introducing the three Pillars to another gang] So I'm both the Slide and the Leech, Victor is our Whisper, and Alice there is our Cutter.

Other Gang Member: [looks at Alice with her modified Hobbygoat weapon, snorts derisively] That's your Cutter? The little slip of a thing holding a kiddie's toy?

Alice: [swings the Hobbygoat around a couple of times. . .then SLAMS it into the ground, making the immediate area shake and nearly knocking the guy off his feet]

Smiler: [beaming] Yes. Any further questions?

--

Victor: [opens the door to the bathroom, which they've recently managed to connect to the sewer line below]

A Raven: [is perched on the rim of the toilet, tail over the bowl]

Victor:

A Raven: [rawks at him]

Victor: [slowly closes the door]

Victor: [returns to Smiler and Alice in what passes for the living room] I have just discovered the possibly weirdest explanation for all of Elder Gutknecht's books not being covered in bird shit.

--

Smiler: [again making introductions to another gang] I'm the Slide and the Leech, Alice is the Cutter, and Victor there is our Whisper.

Another Gang Member: [eyeing Victor with a frown] So he's your Whisper? He looks like he was already frightened half to death by a ghost.

Victor: It's more one tried to marry me once.

Another Gang Member: [startled] That can happen?

Victor: [nodding seriously] She dragged me straight into the ghost field. Incidentally, there are seven ghosts in our vicinity right now.

Another Gang Member: [looking around very anxiously]

Smiler: [grinning] Just don't start reciting wedding vows and you'll be fine!

--

Alice: [examining some of Smiler's gadgets and alchemicals] All right, so, I understand how Joy Serum, Giggler Gas, your Tickler brush, and even the Hypnotizer wheel relate to your status as an Advocate. [picking up a box with lots of little light bulbs on it] But what the heck is this thing?

Smiler: Oh, that's the Flasher! I can press a button and set it on the ground, and a few seconds later it blasts an electroplasmic charge through all the lights that briefly blinds anyone looking at it!

Alice: . . .And how does that spread happiness?

Smiler: It makes me very happy to be able to run away from whoever's distracted by it.

--

Smiler: [doing introductions to a third gang] Alice is our Cutter, Victor is our Whisper, and I'm the Slide and the Leech!

Third Gang Member: How can you be both a Slide and a Leech at the same time? It ain't possible.

Smiler: Why my good madam, you're absolutely correct in noting that they are completely different skill sets! [picking up their suitcase of Joy Serum and snapping it open] May I offer someone of your very fine intelligence a sample of my delightful Joy Serum? I brew it up myself from glow orb juice and a few other secret ingredients. Guaranteed to make you feel better than you ever have before, with limited wooziness afterward! Only five slugs per syringe!

Third Gang Member: Five slugs?! That's a hell of a deal! [starts pawing around in their pocket] Yeah, sure, I'll take a -- wait.

Alice & Victor: [giggling in the background]

--

[Victor, Alice, and Smiler are all sprawled around Smiler's workshop grinning]

Victor: [to Smiler, very cheerfully] You know, you're really lucky that your alchemical accidents make us feel this good.

Alice: [nodding along, also super cheerful] Oh yes. This is marvelous. Though mind you, I am still going to yell at you once this all wears off.

Smiler: [beaming at the ceiling] Good thing I don't care at the moment!

--

[integrationslady]

Me at all three of my pets: Look, I love you all more than life, but can you imagine my life without you? Like, what if I got to come home and change and eat my takeout and watch a movie instead of cleaning up SHIT from TWO DIFFERENT ROOMS. Can you imagine? 'Cause I'm gonna be honest, I FUCKING CAN! Can at least one of you behave for at least five minutes? I'd love to just live my fucking life right now instead of cleaning up after you guys.

[thenixkat]

You know what I really dont like?

WHen my coworkers dont press down on the lids for the recycling bins. We don't have to rinse the dog food cans b/c we use so fucking many of them that it'd be a waste of time and water, so there's scraps of meat and fat in the cans. If you don't make sure that the seal of the can lid is tight (ie by pressing down on it til it clicks when you put the lid back on) flies get inside of the recycling bin.

Do you know what flies beget?

Flies beget maggots.

Maggots do not stay in the bin. They spill out onto the floor and climb up walls.

I'm not a fan. AT all.

Its even worse when fuckers throw the dog food cans into the regular trash bins instead of the recycling (even tho the fucking recycling bin is like a fucking foot away from the trashcan) and ya get fucking surprise streams of maggots.

But according to management I can't remind people to follow the fucking SOPs b/c that's 'acting like I'm the boss of them'.

[ghostie123]

Link (top row of both slides) with his full older sister and his full littermate brother. I’m so grateful that his sister’s mom saw Link, his dna and where we live and put together that she probably has his sister. We emailed Embark to run a relative test to confirm and confirm they did

Link was found as a stray so for nearly 2 years I’ve known nothing about who or where he came from. But I even have a few pics of their parents now. Unfortunately the people these dogs come from are pretty awful and sell a 5 week wolfdog pups to anyone who shows up with money, no questions asked. They’ve also sold pups with Parvo, who died days after being brought home. I scoured my state for breeders trying to see where my dog was from but as it turns out, they don’t have a website, they only post their puppies on craigslist, nobody knows their names or exactly where they live because they only meet up to sell the pups in public. After his sister was bought, her owner said she saw several people on craigslist trying get rid of the pup they recently bought bc they couldn’t handle them, one sister even ended up at a rescue. So it makes sense why I couldn’t find his family on my own, and why I found a 6 week puppy on the side of the road. I assume he was bought and a week in his buyer realized they werent able to deal with, or werent ready for a wolfdog, since he was found dehydrated and full of worms and ticks. But not starving, luckily

And man am I lucky that the puppy I didn’t know was a wolfdog for the first few months we had him (though we quickly grew suspicious) is generally a great fit for our family of his humans, our other 2 dogs and the kitten. And we’re a good fit for him 💕

[vikingrose24]

Weather app: 30% chance of rain

Reality: rain is so bad that entire trees were felled directly onto power lines and houses

[maraeffect]

haven't even been awake for two hours and this is probably the worst morning i've had in a while 🙂 cw EXTREMELY disgusting unsanitary tags.

[mailbox-decadence]

After parasites decimated the first batch, I’ve been bringing monarch caterpillars inside to let them safely make their chrysalises. They get transferred out to my cucumber trellis once they’re solid enough to move.

Current tally is

Five tiny hatchlings in their own jar

Five big guys who will likely make their chrysalises this week in a second jar

One medium sized one in quarantine for a suspicious scar

Two fresh chrysalises on the cucumber trellis

Three safely hatched butterflies!

[m-for-now]

I think my cat shat his bed (most likely) But the single bit of poo looks too much like a slug for me to rule out that there is a slug on his bed.

[circusclownproductions]

seeing a lot of videos that are like “I didn’t know babies couldn’t have water” so here’s an incomplete list of things you need to know before having a baby

- the obvious, they can’t have water bc milk is incredibly high in water already so excess water leads to over hydration

- babies cannot have honey until 1

- if ur breastfeeding your kid and saving excess milk, make sure you label what you pumped in the morning vs at night bc your body produces different melatonin levels throughout the day and giving your baby daytime milk at night can make them more alert and fuck up their sleep schedule

- idk why ppl keep saying this but swaddling your babies or getting them those baby straight jacket things is not abuse. It chills them out cuz it reminds them of the womb

- babies have a dandruff like buildup on their head called cradle cap, and it’s very easy to deal with and remove with just some baby shampoo, a gentle scrub brush (MADE FOR BABIES!!) and a comb. It does need to be removed tho cuz it can be very painful after a while. This can also continue to happen late into toddlerhood it’s normal

- you have to clean out the creases of your baby’s skin and hands and feet they WILL collect dust😭😭

- you cannot bathe your baby until their umbilical cord naturally falls off. Use a warm damp rag until then

- tummy time is actually very important

- your baby might have a misshapen head at first (not all the time but sometimes) this will either sort itself out or they’ll need a corrective helmet ask your doctor

- I wouldn’t recommend having your baby leave the house very much until they’re at least 6 months old, especially if they’re born near cold and flu season cuz the common cold can kill a newborn

- you’re not an awful horrible person for having postpartum depression and it’s always a million times better to let your baby cry a few minutes longer than normal while you regain your composure than to freak out and give ur kid shaken baby syndrome

- you’re not an awful horrible person for giving your baby formula milk either

- don’t put shoes on your baby it’ll compromise their toe box and balance

- babies put every single thing in their mouths

- the easiest way to burp a baby is to hold them straight up (spine straight) and hold their head a bit higher

- always support their head they barely have necks

- if your baby fights away food, fights tummy time, vomits every single time you burp them, is gaining or losing an unreasonable amount of weight at a time, wheezes after eating, or goes red after eating, chances are they’re probably allergic to the type of milk they’re eating (again ask a doctor but these are just some signs it’s not just colic)

- they will wobble a lot when learning to do things but you gotta fight the urge to help them every single time cuz they gotta learn

- they’re not always spitting out baby food cuz they don’t like it they just don’t know how to eat. Like they don’t know how to push food down they only know how to stick their tongue out so be patient

- babies craniums are broken up into three parts at first that later fuse together, this is to help make birthing easier but it results in a small EXTREMELY sensitive spot in the top of their head that has no protection. This puts their brain at a high risk. Always protect their soft spot

- read to your baby!! Get cute bright colorful sensory books with sight words and read them to your baby it makes such a huge difference in their educational growth and will help them acquire a love for reading early on. And talk to them never shut up just say whatever comes to mind all the time this will strengthen their vocabulary growth also.

- babies poop like a lot. A lot. an unreasonable amount. Bring back up clothes and more diapers than you think

- no pillows or stuffies in the crib and only use a muslin blanket unless it’s especially cold to prevent suffocation

- babies kick reflexively until they’re out of their newborn scrunch (they stay womb shaped for a while) and if your baby is crying and pushing at the swaddle try letting them flail around for a minute

- consoling your baby is not spoiling them ! They need comfort and they will learn to self soothe on their own

- singing lullabies actually works, they can recognize your voice a consistent place of comfort from the womb and the cadence of lullabies is literally engineered to create a calm headspace

- for the love of god do not get boring ass beige toys. Colors are important for their neurological development

- babies are very responsive to praise from a young age so be as supportive of them as you can

- babies get constipated a lot and you have to do like tummy massages to help ease their pain the easiest way is to lay them on their backs and hold one foot in each hand, kick their feet like bicycles, scrunch up, and then stretch their legs out

- holding them on your hip too much will not cause bow legged-ness if your baby is bow legged that was always gonna happen

- they drool so so much and you have to get bibs for them so they don’t get chest eczema

- don’t use scented products on their skin cuz their skin is sooo much thinner than ours

- when your baby first starts sitting on their own never walk away from them without setting up a nest of pillows and blankets around them. Even minor head trauma can mess them up sometimes

- this one is kinda morbid and scary but sometimes babies just die out of nowhere and it’s no one’s fault or anything it’s called sudden infantile death syndrome(SIDS) and it’s about 1.3k deaths on average per year in America so not super common but still very real. 90% of these deaths happen during the first four months however edit: apparently it’s bc of an enzyme deficiency which at the very least you can take steps to try and prevent

- smoking and drinking during pregnancy WILL affect your baby and your breast milk and also might contribute to SIDS cases

- babies sometimes have a big red mark on them somewhere called a stork bite immediately after birth but typically it goes away

- babies can’t see very well for a while after birth and they’re VERY wobbly so they’ll typically bonk their head into your chest and face a lot while trying to support themselves

- female babies might have smth similar to a period the first few days after birth, this is because of the hormone transfer that happens during the birthing process and the days leading up to it

- male babies get random erections for the first few days after birth(hormone transfer again) literally do not be weird about this it’s a baby

- things like weaning your baby onto solid foods, potty training, weaning off pacifiers etc, can actually be directed by the baby and will happen naturally will minimal guidance from the parent(some guidance is still necessary) although I would do individual research into baby led weaning for food to prevent choking

- get those chewy feeding pouches to help with weaning

- the most random things will scare the hell out of your baby don’t take it personal 😭

- baby carriers are life savers (tulas are one of my favorites)

- once babies hit toddlerhood they’re tougher than you think, and a lot of their reaction is based on YOURS. they’re always going to be looking to you for how to react to a situation. Remain calm and if they’re ok they’ll calm down but if they’re genuinely hurt they’ll keep crying

- babies will most likely get ridiculously attached to an inanimate object and you have to keep this thing intact at all costs until they’re old enough to abandon it or they will throw a FIT. I got a lemur plushie from a zoo once and every single one of the kids has bonded their soul with it until about 6 years old and once a month I have to stitch him back up

- don’t compare yourself to other parents. Maybe your kid isnt getting grass fed wild caught north Atlantic cheerios but at least they’re fed. If your kid is alive and healthy and happy you’re doing a good job

- you will need 3 car seats, an infant seat, a grow with me toddler seat, and a booster seat

- getting a good diaper bag is a MUST

- the hair a baby is born with will most likely all fall out or they’ll get a bald spot on the back of their head where they sleep cuz their hair is so fragile and thin but once it grows back it grows back thick

- get like 20 muslin blankets so you always have a backup when the main ones are covered in spit up

- the babies grip IS stronger than yours (keep your hair up and keep pets away best you can)

- your best bet for your teething baby is a pacifier you can put your finger in so you can massage their gums and some chewing toys numbing cream can be dangerous and should be used sparingly

- go ahead and come to terms with the fact you’re gonna have to use a Frida Baby to manually remove snot

- babies can get hair and thread wrapped around their toes and fingers that can cut off their circulation try to make a habit of checking

- don’t hit your kid please it’s nothing but trauma and fucked up coping mechanisms from there pls empathize with your child they’re a person too

- be careful not to pull too hard on their arms and legs(like during play or holding their hand while they walk) and NEVER pick them up by their hands this will very easily cause dislocation

- they might have a little tooth like callous on their lip from their pacifier. This does not hurt them and it will go away but it may hurt during breastfeeding

- breastfeeding will make your boobs different sizes

Yeag that’s all I can think of rn but yk i Will add as I remember stuff ppl are also adding things I forgot in the tags in case you’d like to look thru that as well <3

[headspace-hotel]

The knowledge of some common plants

Since many people don't know most of the plants around them, this is information on some plants that are commonly seen in many places throughout the world

This is Lamium purpureum, also called Purple Deadnettle.

It's called deadnettle because it looks like a nettle but it doesn't sting you

This plant is a winter annual—it grows its leaves in the fall, lasts through the winter, and blooms and dies in the spring

Its pollen is reddish orange. If you see bees with their heads stained reddish orange, it is likely because they have visited Purple Deadnettle

This is Trifolium repens, white clover

It is a legume (belongs to the bean family) and fixes nitrogen using symbiosis with bacteria that live in little nodules on its roots, fertilizing the soil

It is a good companion plant for the other members of a lawn or garden since it is tough, adaptable, and improves soil quality. According to my professor it used to be in lawn mixes, until chemical companies wanted to sell a new herbicide that would kill broadleaved plants and spare grass, and it was slandered as a weed :(

It is native only to Europe and Central Asia, but in the lawns they are doing more good than harm most places

Honeybees love to visit clover

Four-leaf clovers are said to be lucky

This is Achillea millefolium, Common Yarrow

It has had a relationship with humans since Neanderthals were around, at least 60,000 years, since Neanderthals have been found buried with Yarrow

Its leaves have been used to stop bleeding throughout history, and its scientific name comes from how Achilles was said to have used Yarrow to stop the blood from the wounds of his soldiers. A leaf rolled into a ball has been used to stop nosebleeds

It is a native species all throughout Eurasia and North America

This is Cichorium intybus, known as Chicory

The leaves look a lot like dandelion leaves, until in mid-spring when it begins growing a woody green stem straight up into the air

Like many other weeds, it has a symbiotic relationship with humans, existing in a mix of domesticated or partially domesticated and wild populations

It is native to Eurasia, but widespread in North America on roadsides and disturbed places, where it descended from cultivated plants

Its root contains large amounts of inulin, which is used as a sweetener and fiber supplement (if you look at the ingredients on the granola bars that have extra fiber, they usually are partly made of chicory root) and has also been used as a coffee substitute

A large variety of bees like to feed upon it

This is Phytolacca americana, known as Pokeweed

It is easily identified by its huge leaves and its waxy, bright magenta stem

It can grow more than nine feet tall from a sprout in a single summer!

If you squish the berries, the juice inside is a shocking magenta that is so bright it almost burns your eyes. For this reason many Native American people used it for pink and purple dye.

It is a heavy metal hyperaccumulator, particularly good for removing cadmium from the soil

All parts of the plant are poisonous and will make you very sick if you eat them, however if the leaves are picked when very young and boiled 3 times, changing out the water each time, they can be eaten, and this is a traditional food in the rural American Southeast, but I don't want to chance it

British people have introduced it as a pretty, exotic ornamental plant. I think that is very funny considering that here it is a weed associated with places where poor people live, but maybe they're right and I need to look closer to see the beauty.

If you see magenta stains in bird poop it is because they ate pokeweed berries- birds can safely eat the berries whereas humans cannot

This is Plantago lanceolata, Ribwort Plantain

It grows in heavily disturbed soils, in fact it is considered an indicator of agricultural activity. It is successful in the poorest, heaviest and most compacted soil.

The leaves, seeds, and flower heads are said to be edible but the leaves are really stringy unless they are very young. Of course, it is important to be careful when eating wild plants, and make sure you have identified the plant correctly and the soil is not contaminated

I have also heard the strings in the leaves can be extracted and used for textile purposes

and that's some common plants you might often see throughout the world

[spicy-apple-pie]

Fuck it. I’m not done with baby Damian.

Tim doesn’t want anything to do with Babian (Baby Damian’s nickname). Babies are cute, sure, but he has a lot of work to get done and knowing Damian, he would purposefully poop and pee on him.

However, Damian has other plans. He starts staring at Tim while he’s working. “You want to see Timmy?” Bruce asks, because he will not give up the chance to see his boys get along. He sets him down next to Tim’s keyboard. Tim kinda ignores him for a while, but sees how Damian stares at Tim typing, almost intrigued. Until Damian takes a chubby hand and starts slapping the keyboard.

Bruce and Tim stop him and Tim is a little pissed off, but Bruce has an idea. He grabs a spare keyboard and puts it in front of Damian next to Tim’s. Bruce clicks the keys a little, and Damian starts “typing” away. And it entertains him for a while. He eventually gets bored and wants to type on Tim’s keyboard specifically. To which Bruce takes him away, but he still got a few good pics of Damian and Tim “working” together.

Also, he’s just a cuddle bug. He likes to sit in someone’s lap while he plays, occasionally showing them whatever toy he’s playing with. If Bruce is laying on the couch, he’ll pull himself up and whine until Bruce lets him sit on his chest, or even also take a nap.

This translates to Bruce trying to be more physically affectionate when Damian goes back to normal. Although it’s heavily rejected, slowly, Damian starts initiating hugs and stuff.

[nope-body]

.

[thewispsings]

can u PLEASEEE do an smau w oscar x american! reader who’s super gothy and witchy and they go to salem for halloween pleaseee!!

salem date | oscar piastri

pairing; oscar piastri x witchy!reader

summary: oscar loves his witchy girlfriend, and takes her wherever she wants to go, even if it means missing work

liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1, landonorris, and 619,026 others!

yourusername: my favorite thing about moving to monaco? getting to decorate a whole new space and exploring cute new witchy stores 🐈‍⬛🖤

view comments below!

oscarpiastri: is living with me not your absolute favorite thing about moving to monaco?

yourusername: no. walking abracadabra on the beach is my favorite thing, living with you is like top 10

user1: i still can’t belive they named their cat ‘abracadabra’

user2: it’s so on brand for yn, but for oscar? not so much

user3: please, yn has that man wrapped around her finger. if she told him to change his name to halloween, he would do it

maxverstappen1: yn i need my cards to be read again, when are you free?

yourusername: i’m free friday next week, that okay?

maxverstappen1: perfect!! thank you :D

user4: in doing tarot readings for the drivers is so dear to me

landonorris: wait i want my cards read too :(

yourusername: sorry lan, im not free for another 2 weeks after that

landonorris: ugh max ruins everything

maxverstappen1: you snooze you lose, loser

user5: im in monaco, yns in monaco, i have a chance to met yn ln. holy poop

user6: omg i need an apartment tour????

user7: weird question, do you ever get looks by other people? i know you dress quite alternately and was wondering how accepting europeans are?

yourusername: i get looks all the time, but I've become quite used to it, im not bothered by it as i used to be. but i definitely get more looks in places that aren't so touristy, than places like france. key is simply ignoring them 🖤

user8: they just can't handle your swag

charles_leclerc: leo wants another playdate with abra, when are you free?

maxverstappen1: you aren't tricking ANYONE. you keep using these playdates so yn can read your cards without you needing to make an appointment

user9: appointment?? 😭

yourusername: is that true charles?? you've been using leo??

charles_leclerc: NO YN DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HE IS JUST JEALOUS OF LEO'S AND ABRACADABRAS RELATIONSHIP.

yourusername: i can't belive this charles, i just, i need a moment.

charles_leclerc: yn... it's not what it looks like...

oscarpiastri: am I interrupting something???

user10: you're interrupting the friendship breakup of the century 💔

liked by oscarpiastri, charles_leclerc, and 793,073 others!

yourusername: we are all halloween ready

view comments below!

user11: my favorite time of the year <33

yourusername: you and me both

charles_leclerc: leo misses abra

yourusername: does he? or do you just miss my card readings?

charles_leclerc: little bit of both, i got him a halloween costume, you don't want to see it?

yourusername: of course i want to see it

charles_leclerc: i'll be over in 10 minutes!!

yourusername: DO NOT expect that i'll read your cards

charles_leclerc: i don't 😞

user12: they're back!!!!

user13: salem this year???

yourusername: im still not sure, oscar cant make it this year and it feels weird going without him :((

user14: "it feels weird going without him" OSCAR IF YOU DONT GET YOU AND YN ON A FLIGHT TO SALEM RIGH NOW ISTG.

user15: im going to salem this year in honor of yn not being able to go ✊

maxverstappen1: abra looks so cute!! jimmy and sassy need one of those hats right now

yourusername: i'll make more max, what colors?

maxverstappen1: blue and orange please!

user16: cat lovers bond in the weirdest ways

oscarpiastri: thank you for re-decorating love, i just love waking up to a fake skeleton on our ceiling 🧡

yourusername: put some respect on sir bones name oscar. i’ll have you know that he’s there to protect you.

oscarpiastri: from what?

yourusername: the spiders

oscarpiastri: and how does sir bones protect me from said spiders??

yourusername: he scares them away. duh.

landonorris: yeah duh oscar. gosh get with the program.

liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1, and 620,726 others!

yourusername: salem we love you 🖤

view comments below!

user17: SALEM DATE 3 YEARS IN A ROW!! THATS RIGHT BABY 🕺🕺

maxverstappen1: you’re telling me i could have skipped media day?

yourusername: would you be interested in going to salem?

maxverstappen1: um, to skip media day? yes!

user19: max and his hate for media day will live down as the longest rivalry in f1

user20: need myself a man who would call in sick just so he can take me to some random town for a couple hours

user21: random town??? put some respect on salems NAME.

user22: do you guys think the FIA knew he was missing media day for this, or do you think he told them he was like sick or something 😭

landonorris: i can confirm that they did not know about salem. and he is now in trouble.

user23: NOOO OSCAR

user24: omg oscar just got a fine

user25: HOW MUXH???

user24: they didn’t disclose. all they said was “we have been made aware that a certain driver decided to go on vacation instead of fulfilling their duty.”

user26: that’s so funny

user27: #free oscar

oscarpiastri: the fine was worth it 🖤

yourusername: 🖤🖤🖤

user28: omg wait. do you guys think this was a surprise?? because yn said before that oscar wasn’t going to make it??

yourusername: yes, oscar did suprise me with tickets to salem this morning!

user29: OMG THATS SO CUTE AHHHHH

user30: they’re perfect for each other

charles_leclerc: group trip to salem next year?

georgerussell63: we have practice that day

maxverstappen1: so? we’ll all call in sick or something

f1: 🤨

maxverstappen1: you didn’t see that

. . .

notes: thank you for requesting!! this was fun to make ;))

[holylulusworld]

Bucky & Ducky (2) - Warming up

Summary: Bucky Barnes. Ruthless mafia boss. Soft only for his wife and…well, Ducky.

Pairing: Mobster!Bucky Barnes x Wife!Reader

Side pairing: Mobster!Bucky Barnes x Ducky the duck

Warnings: mafia business, fluff, unusual friendship

A/N: Thanks to @buck-star for the idea and brainstorming with me. I did it…😅

Bucky & Ducky Masterlist

Catch up here: Part 1

“Can you believe that punk dared to threaten my business, Ducky?” Bucky walked out of the bathroom to get ready to join you for dinner. After taking a relaxed bath, he hastily got out of the tub. He considered leaving Ducky alone in the tub but decided against it.

Only to make sure the duckling won’t poop into the tub or drown, he told himself.

He put the duckling on a fluffy towel and watched it clumsily wiggle on top of the towel, trying to escape while he got dressed. Bucky chuckled when the duckling started to tug at the towel angrily.

“No escaping, punk,” he said, and stepped toward the bed to look down at the tiny and vulnerable duckling. “You didn’t have an easy life, huh? They wanted to get rid of you because you were the weakest.”

Somehow, Bucky felt sorry for the duckling. No one gave Ducky a chance until now.

“You got lucky, punk. Y/N loves to save hopeless cases. She took me home too, one night, after someone stabbed me behind her bakery.”

Ducky lifted its head to look up at the tall mobster. It seems as if the little creature was listening to Bucky’s story. “It was only a scratch, but she turned full nurse, and that was when I fell in love with her. Y/N is too good for me and so sweet. So, if you want to stay here, you better not break her heart.”

“Buck? Baby?” You called from downstairs. “Baby, did you fall asleep in the bathtub? Do you want to eat in bed?”

“We are coming, doll,” Bucky immediately answered. You heard his footsteps get closer and hurriedly walked inside the dining room to check on the food.

“In here,” you called for your husband. He allowed you to keep the duckling so you would pay him back with a romantic candlelight dinner. “I got a surprise for you.”

“Uh—me too,” Bucky walked inside the dining room, Ducky in his arms. He put one of the fuzzy socks you bought for him around the duckling’s small body to keep Ducky warm. “I think he doesn’t want to be alone.”

“He?” You pressed one hand to your mouth to stop yourself from giggling. “Oh, the duckling.” Nodding, you pointed at the food. “Maybe we should find a box for him or…”

“No, no. I think he should sit with me. We don’t want him to believe we will abandon him too,” Bucky hastily said. He stepped closer to softly kiss your cheek. “The food looks good, baby doll. Thank you.”

You were stunned by his words. Bucky Barnes wanted to have dinner with a duckling by his side. “No, thank you, Bucky.” You return the kiss, giggling as he purrs your name. “You’re the best.”

Bucky smiled. He loves hearing you think highly of him. Not because it strokes his ego. No. It simply tells him that he’s not the bad guy he believes he is.

“Let’s eat,” you pointed at the food. “We don’t want the food to get cold.”

As you sat down, you watched Bucky claim his favorite seat. The one right next to yours. He carefully placed Ducky on the table. Bucky wrinkled his forehead as the duckling threatened to tip sideways.

“Punk, be careful,” he shrugged his jacket off to make a bed for Ducky out of the expensive fabric. Bucky carefully put the duckling in the middle, humming as Ducky quacked loudly. “Did you drink shampoo or something?” Your husband grinned. “I bet you tried my whiskey.”

You giggled at their interaction. “It seems you already became friends.”

“He’s cool, for a helpless duckling,” Bucky said and dug his fork into the food. “I guess we can keep him. Just to make sure he doesn’t end in a pan.”

“Bucky!” You scolded your husband. “Don’t say things like that in front of him. He’s a baby!”

“Ducky is a ruthless mobster,” Bucky retorted. He glanced at the duckling while chewing on the first bite of the food. “He only needs a chance.”

You smiled softly as Bucky talked to the duckling. “Hmm…we should get you something warm to wear. Maybe shoes too. Your feet will hurt if you waddle around barefoot all day.”

“Ducky got feathers. I don’t think he needs more, Bucky.”

Bucky nodded but glanced at the duckling. “No, I think he needs clothes. We don’t want him to freeze, right?”

“Right,” you giggled as the duckling wiggled on top of Bucky’s jacket. It seemed like Ducky tried to get closer to your husband. It made a fuss, quaking loudly, until Bucky carefully grabbed him and placed him on his lap.

“There you go, Ducky,” Bucky softly cooed to make sure to not scare the tiny duckling. “I’m going to take good care of you.”

Tags in reblog.

[dontopenfairies]

“Oh no,” I hear him say quietly.

“What’s wrong?”

He nuzzles his head into my shoulder. “Mommy,” he says.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“This is really embarrassing, but I…I just pooped a little.”

“You just have undies on.”

He lifts his head back up. “I know. I, um, kind of forgot.”

“How could you forget something like that?” I ask, rubbing his back.

“You had me in diapers for so long,” he says quietly, not looking at me.

“Are you saying it’s my fault?”

A very small nod. “Um, maybe…”

“How could it possibly be my fault that *you* went poop in your pants? And what are you doing with that naughty hand?” He’s grabbing his crotch through his pants.

“Nothing,” he says. “I, um…I really need to go pee.”

I gently slip his hand away and he buries his face in my shoulder again. There’s a wet spot forming where his hand was, like he’s been dripping for the past several minutes. “Baby, why don’t you stand up and go to the bathroom?”

“I’m scared,” he whispers. “If I stand up, it’s all going to come out.”

“No it won’t! You’re a strong boy. You can hold it together. Come on, let’s assess the damage.” I start to stand, trying to pull him up by the wrist but he twists away.

“I’m serious,” he says. “I’m really going to pee myself.” He’s squirming now, squeezing his thighs together. I sit back down with him.

“How much did you poop?”

“Only a little bit.” He covers his face with his arms, hiding in the crooks of his elbows.

“Okay,” I say. “Like, a dime-size?” He nods, and I can see the blush in his ears even with his face covered up. “Baby, do you just want me to bring you a diaper?” I lean in close and try to say it in a comforting tone. He keeps his arms up but nods vigorously. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart. Don’t move a muscle.”

When I get back I peel his limbs apart and he’s even wetter, a big round patch around his crotch. “Did you get, like, ‘I need to go pee’ signals at all, honey?”

“Um…I think so…it started to kind of hurt. But by then it was too late.”

“Aww,” I say, gently moving and helping him so that he’s lying down on the couch. “Lift up your butt so I can get your pants off. Don’t pee on my couch.” We do have a towel down, which I thought about moving today, and now I’m glad I didn’t. I ease his pants down. There’s a big brown streak down the back of his undies and the front is soaked.

“I thought you were ready for undies,” I say. “But if you’re still going to go poo-poo in your pants, I think you should stay in these.” I fluff the diaper.

“Don’t call it that,” he says.

“Which part?”

“Um…the…”

“C’mon, baby, tell me which word you don’t want me to say. I can’t read your mind.”

“Poo-poo,” he says. “It’s too, um, it’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Are you in a position to decide what’s embarrassing and what isn’t?”

“No, I guess not…Can you hurry, please??” His hips are wiggling and bucking and a long stream of pee runs down his thigh and soaks the towel under him.

“One second, honey, I need to wipe your butt.” He whines the whole time. “Shh,” I say. “Stop that. Use your words.”

“Please, mommy, I need to pee.”

“This is your last chance to tell me you want to pee in the toilet,” I tell him. No answer. “Okay,” I say, pulling the diaper up through his legs. I hear him audibly sigh in relief, and I pull him up onto my lap. His thumb slips into his mouth and he starts sucking.

“Oh wow,” I say. “You really are just a big baby, aren’t you?” He’s all red again, shaking his head. He takes his thumb out of his mouth. “Oh, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I pull him closer in towards me. “Call me mommy again.”

“Okay, mommy,” he says quietly. I take his hand and guide his thumb back into his mouth. And I draw his head towards my shoulder and pet his hair.

“I love you,” I say, kissing his head through his hair.

“Mommy,” he says quietly.

“Are you going to need to finish going poop, too?” I ask, but I know he’s already pushing.

[ellecdc]

Hi Elle I would love a lil fic with pregnancy scare with Sirius?

thanks for your request! I hope I did it justice <3

Sirius Black x fem!reader who has a pregnancy scare [1.3k words]

CW: pregnancy tests, stress over possible pregnancy, reader is of the mind that she doesn't want to be pregnant (right now or ever is up to interpretation)

It was almost a welcome reprieve to know that the nausea you were currently experiencing was the effect of nerves and not…other reasons.

You hadn’t been nauseous, that’s not why you were here - here being perched on the edge of the bathtub after having urinated into a cup and following the instructions of the pregnancy test now sitting on the bathroom counter as you waited your allotted five minutes. 

You had been late - that was why you were here on the edge of a bathtub as you waited for the piece of plastic to tell you whether or not you were…pregnant. 

Your cycle had always been like clockwork - you could sometimes expect your period down to the minute (an exaggeration, of course, but still) so by the time you were three days late you were officially panicking. 

You didn’t know what you were going to say to Sirius; you wondered if the test came back negative if you would need to say anything at all. Well, other than a warning that the two of you should be more careful going forward. 

But before you had a chance to consider your options, you heard the door to your flat open followed by a quick “hey doll!” as Sirius returned from a pickup game with James.

You called out a quick “hey” in return, wincing at the crack in your voice as your throat was taught with anxiety.

You could hear him following the sound of your voice up the stairs before bodily slamming into the bathroom door that he clearly expected to be open.

“Did…did you lock the door?” He asked incredulously, giving the handle a shake as if to prove his theory. “You did lock the door!”

“Sirius, there are locks on bathroom doors for a reason.” You replied, earning you a derisive scoff.

“Not in our house there isn’t! What’s the deal?”

“There’s no deal.”

“Uhm… There's clearly a deal. Let me in.” He stated simply.

“Sirius, what if I’m pooping?”

A pause.

“Are you pooping?”

You paused in return.

“Come on babe.” He whined dramatically and you could hear him lean heavily against the door. “Why’re you shutting me out like this?”

And you knew from his over dramatic tone that he was only teasing you, but his words struck a nerve.

“I thought we were in this together?” He lamented, and your resolve broke.

You were partners, you were in this together as he said. And you supposed that this affected him just as much as it affected you, even if it didn’t feel like it right now.

You reached over and unlocked the door, holding your breath as you watched him open the door.

“There you are! I was getting wo- what’s going on?” His usual salacious persona falling immediately when he spotted you on the edge of the tub. “Baby, are you okay?”

You had your hand over your mouth as your chin rested in your palm, and you nodded the best as you could as your eyes flooded with tears.

“Baby.” He cooed. “What’s-” his questioning cut short as his eyes surveyed the bathroom and fell on the test.

The silence felt suffocating as he gathered his own thoughts, eyes glued to the test as if he was worried it would disappear should he look away from it.

He did finally - look away from it, that is - in order to look at you; his expression oozing both shock and sympathy. 

He rushed forward to press a forceful kiss into the side of your head as if he was trying to give you strength by means of his lips before he turned and fled from the bathroom.

You could nearly picture his every move as you listened to him flit around your bedroom; he disposed of his gym bag in the closet before stripping off his sweaty clothes, slipping into fresh clothes before tying his hair up and spraying some cologne on his person - you teasingly complained of him smelling like sweat one time when he didn’t shower immediately after a game, and he’d done the same thing ever since. 

He reappeared then, seemingly out of breath but with a look of pure determination on his face. Fuck you loved him so much. 

“How long has it been?” He asked you quietly, though his eyes were on the test. 

You tried to clear your throat and wiped away a few tears that had escaped your waterline. “I…don’t know, probably about five minutes now.”

Sirius nodded his head and stepped towards the counter, holding the test in his hands with the gentleness one would use to handle a baby bird. 

And he didn’t say anything. 

“Siri?”

He looked over at you with furrowed brows and an unreadable expression that had you standing in record time to rip it out of his hands.

Positive. 

No.

“No…” You let out in a breath, shaky hands dropping the test and causing it to clatter in the sink as you quickly fell to your knees.

“No no no.” You chanted as you dug through the lower cabinets for the box of tests you thought you’d only need to take one of and ripping the package open so violently that they all came flying out. 

You started pulling the tabs off of the ends and following the instructions you’d read previously, thankful you didn’t have the wherewithal to dispose of your previous cup before.

“Hey, hey, babe, hang on. Y/N, slow down.” Sirius encouraged gently, placing a hand on each of your shoulders as he stood above you, watching you start three more tests. “Slow down, it’s alright.”

“It’s not alright.” You whimpered, trying and failing to place the lids back on them with shaking hands before a set of tattooed hands took over for you.

“It is alright; it’s okay.” He murmured. “We don’t need to rush.”

He lined the tests up on the counter beneath the positive one before sitting on the ground with his back against the tub and pulling you in between his legs. 

“It’s alright.” He whispered into your hair, and the two of you sat there in silence; the only sounds coming from the street below you, your breathing in sync, and the occasional sound of his hand drawing lines up and down your arm. 

You’re not sure how much time had passed, but Sirius seemed to be of the mind that the two of you would sit here until you felt ready to check, so you sucked in a breath and stood on shaky legs. 

You stared dumbly at the four tests, one old and three new, as if it were a particularly difficult maths equation.

“Baby?” Sirius murmured softly before standing to join you, reading the results over your shoulder as his hands returned to your sides. 

“Okay?” He whispered into your neck as he draped himself over you, your eyes welling with tears again for a new reason.

“Okay.” You agreed.

“It was probably just a false positive, yeah?”

You nodded quickly and wiped at your eyes before turning in his embrace to hug him back.

“I’m sorry.”

He swayed the two of you back and forth as he rested his cheek on your head. “What’re you sorry for?”

“Stressing you out over nothing.” You explained, earning you a hum of disagreement. 

“Wasn’t nothing.” He said simply. “And you shouldn’t have had to stress out about it by yourself; I’m sorry.” 

“It was my fault, I didn’t tell you.”

He pulled back enough to take the side of your face in each of his hands as his grey eyes flit between yours whilst he stared at you imploringly. “Promise to tell me sooner next time? Please? Whatever the outcome, we’re in it together, yeah? We’ll do it together.”

And though you weren’t sure exactly what the future held for the two of you, you had to agree that together sounded like the best way to do it.