#but idk what to do and i don't want to kick up a fuss or act like i'm being like victimised or some shit

[the-casbah-way]

i just think it's so unfair that when i left high school my entire support system was gone overnight and i was just expected to get on with it with no help and because i wasn't diagnosed back then no one believed me or accommodated for me or cared, so i had to postpone my degree for two years and watch all my friends graduate without me and move to different cities and i went from being a straight a student who never had to study in their life to barely scraping the minimum grades and never showing up to class because i had convinced myself i was too stupid and slow to ever get my degree because i wasn't getting any of the support i kept asking for and was expected to read and listen to lectures without any help and keep up with everyone else when none of my support needs were being met. and now after trying for five years to find a way to get the degree i always wanted my uni have told me they're not going to let me do it anymore because of one module requirement that i missed because i was in hospital against my own choice. and even after i said i would use the entirety of my savings which i specifically worked for so that i could have a safety net for my studies to pay for the extra year required to get the module they need they've still said no. even though there's a bunch of spare places on the course and it wouldn't impact my timetable at all. even though i got As in every assignment i did for that course compared the the Bs and Cs i used to get in every other subject. even when i told them that i can't keep doing a science based humanities subject because i have dyscalculia and it's literally impossible for me to get through a single sentence of reading on my own, compared to the module i want to do where my lecturer literally bought me extra course textbooks with his own money because i finished everything else on the reading list in my own time and he said he was impressed with the work i sent him. i told them that me and my brother are the first in my family to go to uni, and how neither of my parents finished school or have any qualifications, and i never though in a million years i would ever get to have a degree and i've had everything stacked against me because their uni is 99% rich able bodied neurotypicals and i'm so close to graduating even though i had no support at all for the first four years. and they still don't care. they can't even give me a reason as to why they won't let me get the degree i want. they just keep saying 'we're not in a position to let you do the extra module' over and over again and i don't even understand what they mean. i'm going to pay for it myself. they have spare spaces on the course. i don't understand what else i can do to make them listen. they talk so much about diversity and accessibility yet every other poor and disabled person i talk to (and there's barely fucking any at this uni because they don't want us to be there) has been through similar experiences and had opportunities taken away from them because they were too unwell to attend one single fucking class. i don't know what to do but i've been here way too long and tried way too hard to drop out now. but i also can't bear to not to the degree i've always dreamed of. i don't want to do anything else

[lovelykil]

headcanons─

: ➛ main 4 x reader

hc; random

cw; none

note; silly little headcanons for the silly 4

There's absolutely no denying that killua teases you because of your height. I see it so vividly..

he's only literally a FEW inches taller than you and he makes it such a big deal, always measuring his height with yours with his hand and smirking when you groan and fold your arms.

When you guys met during the hunter exam you were a little taller than him, and sometimes would tease him about it when you guys became closer.

Same with Gon he would always pout and make a fuss whenever you teased him about it.

That was when you guys were 12.

5 years later.. you have to look up to them to talk.

"Y/n remember when you used to be a pain in the ass when it came to our height? Well, look who's little now?" The ex-assassin shoved his hands into his pockets after moving his hand to measure the height difference.

His smirk was indeed full of play and tease. You crossed your arms as a big tic mark appeared on your head.

"I call bullshit!"

kurapika is literally mamapika

kurapika cooks.. to an extent but with the help of leorio, they make a great team in the kitchen.

The hunters live in a house somewhere in York city, signed under leorios name

Cause that man makes hella BANKK

Kurapika still does his missions, the 2 boys like to venture and go outside, and leorio is a doctor so most of the time they are all out doing whatever. They come home exhausteddd.

Leorio cooks up the best shit ever somehow and yall eat that shit upp.

oh did I mention you live there too? I'd assume you'd knew but

Killua just lovess sneaking into your room to annoy you, most times he does this because he is bored and Gon is asleep.

So he's in your room at night most of the time.

You guys watch movies, shows, animes you get it

but there's times where.. he gets lonely and wants to be with you.

As you two are watching a show he secretly sneaks a glance at you and smiles softly then returns to the screen.

He's NOT slick as he thinks he is😒

You know most of the time why he comes into your room, he doesn't just wanna 'hang out' no.

You still love the quality time though.

When you guys finally grow tired you turn off the TV and get comfortable in your bed as he walks towards the door about to leave, but he stops.

"..y/n.."

"hm?"

"can I.. uhm.. sleep-"

"you do this every night kil, just come here." He blushes hard, walking his flustered ass self right to your bed. You lift the blanket with a teasing smile.

He rolls his eyes, filling in the space between you and him.

"Just know I'm not sleeping here because I miss you." He grumbles in a whisper, facing you. You begin to roll your eyes, putting your hand on his face.

"Yeah okay, night jerk."

"I'm serious!" o (≧Д≦) o

Gon likes to sleep all over the place ..☹️

If you're sleeping with him just get ready to get kicked in the face.

LMAO

He also talks in his sleep 🧍🏾‍♀️?

"w..wait.. don't take my.. hotdog.. hotdog man..." the ravenette murmurs in his sleep, his brows furrowing. Your eyes open and look to your side to see him grow frustrated in his sleep. You shrug it off and close your eyes again, leaning in to cuddle with him.

As soon as you touch his arm he screams making you jolt back and scream yourself.

"DONT TAKE MY HOTDOG !!!"

"GON WHAT THE HELL"

I love to think killua has a mullet when he's like 17 or 18 idk but he definitely has GOT a mullet

SHUT UP I SEE IT I SEE IT I SEEEE ITTTTT

have you seen those fanarts with him and a mullet? It just makes sense and ohhmylord🤭

You like to play with his hair as he just let's you after many attempts on swatting you away.

"You better not mess up my hair."

"I'm just braiding it 😒"

Killua is a cat and Gon is a dog

Kurapika once grew out his hair, he looked more like a women and guys were cat calling him more in the streets 😔

So that's why you were helping him cut his hair. He randomly asked for your help as you were playing UNO with gon and killua.

"HUHHH? GON ARE YOU CHEATING?"

"NO now draw four" (´ 3｀)

"I am NOT grabbing 4 cards, you CHEATED."

"Killua just grab the 4 cards so I can go."

"NO I DONT WAN-"

The door opened slowly to reveal an annoyed kurapika with scissors in his hands.

"Y/n can you cut my hair, thank you." He placed the scissors on the ground then walked out of the room to go to the bathroom, all quietly and bothered.

You looked at him walking away then looked at the 2 teens.

"Uhhh, I'll be back?" You placed your cards down. Gon and Kil watched you disappear out of the room then quickly take a sneak peak at your cards.

"SHE HAD A REVRESE?"

[rootsofdread]

HI LEON okokok in celebration of the new chapter I have a little idea. We all know HUX wouldn't have a human S/O but let's just pretend

HUX's survivor S/O being tech savvy and fixing a malfunction it has or like cleaning off blood and dirt and stuff from the previous match

IDK I JUST THINK THIS WOULD BE SO CUTE I LOVE HUX SM 💚

Also no reason to be on anon anymore LMAO as always you totally don't have to write this if you don't want to!!

YESSSS!!!!! i have always cherished this request lol i love it 😭❤️

HUX-A7-13 / The Singularity:

It's not HUX's favorite thing in the world having to be repaired by a squabbling little worm. He could very well do it himself, and has plenty of times before he met you; but you insist on it. It's just easier if you do it, but frankly, HUX doesn't believe you and has to complain every single time. You're doing it wrong, that doesn't go there, you need to connect this to that. Every time.

If you ever stop for once and let him do it himself, though, he'll eventually give up and come back to you, under the guise of not being able to reach something or his joints being too stiff. Something to that effect. You know when he's lying.

Once you're finished he almost always pulls a "YOU MESSED IT UP." No, you didn't, you know what you're doing... "YES YOU DID." Well, does he want it done differently? "NO. THANK YOU." Then why... Secretly, you do just as good of a job as he himself would. He just gets a kick out of messing with you.

His appendages weren't really made for cleaning, so he seems to genuinely appreciate it when you clean him up after a trial, getting all the blood and dirt off, and making sure nothing was damaged. When you clean him up, he actually sits quietly and lets you work without fussing. It's one of the few times he will pay you a sincere "THANK YOU."

[nicistrying]

Thurs 1st August

2.39am and I am wide awake bc my mother in law is being a total nightmare. She's been mostly great all through wedding planning, they are doing us a huge favour by looking after Maggie so we didn't have to put her in kennels. But now they've suddenly decided they really wanted to stay at the hotel, which we said 8 months ago when we asked them to have Maggie that we didn't want her staying there, bc she would be stuck in the room all day, and if a cleaner went in she would be territorial of the room so she'd probably have to be muzzled, and we would be so stressed about making sure people were going to check on her etc. They said this was all fine, they were planning to go home on the night anyway, no problem. But now because there are empty rooms they are having a fit that they can't stay. I get that that's frustrating but we would be so uncomfortable with Maggie being in a hotel full of 60+ people, she'd be so so stressed and it would not be fair to her.

So his mam has then been telling us we shouldn't be paying for empty rooms, but it was in the contract we signed 18 months ago that any empty rooms still need paid for because they're all booked out for our guests, which is fair and from what I can tell is standard for any wedding venue so we would be in the same situation literally wherever we had the wedding. We've explained that to her several times over the past few months and she would not take no for an answer bc she's used to kicking up such a fuss that people just give in to her.

So she had been having this discussion AGAIN with Matt yesterday, and she said she was 'going for a walk near there anyway so she would pop in to talk about it' and he told her not to, because there is nothing to discuss, everything is under control and nothing needs changed. The venue then emailed us saying she had been in wanting to discuss the rooms and thank god the wedding coordinators weren't there to discuss with her. So they emailed us saying rooms can be made up at the last minute if anyone else decides to stay etc as I think they assumed that was maybe what she wanted. Matt sent her their email and said Idk what you wanted to discuss but there's the reply, and she replied 'they said the wedding coordinator would call me and I told them not to tell you!'

Obviously Matt's reply was of course they told us, it is actually our wedding. Then she starts saying how upset she is that she's being left out of the wedding and feels like she doesn't know what's going on. But we've TOLD HER every single update, we talk wedding planning every time we see her, I've offered to take her dress shopping multiple times and she didn't want to go with me, I asked her to send photos of her mam for a memory table and she just never did, we asked her to make our cake, she is a witness to our marriage and will be on the fucking certificate. What else did she want?! She's been just as involved as, if not more than, anyone else. We said from the very start we wanted to do it all ourselves and that's what we've done but we've kept them in the loop the whole time. I genuinely don't know what else we ahould have done. I'm at my fucking wit's end with her I am so stressed and it's literally all because of his family being dicks. My face is breaking out, stress eczema is coming out, I can't eat or sleep. I had a bag of crisps and 4 squares of chocolate for dinner then went to bed and lay awake. His one brother and his wife who we get on really well with have been so supportive bc they've already been through this. Like we were so worried about my family behaving themselves but they're all actually being really chill about everything. We really didn't think his would be such a nightmare

But on the bright side, my sister in law (the one married to the nice brother) helped me make these lovely glasses for everyone having hair and makeup done and it took us 4 hours and we just ranted about this stupid fucking family the whole time and it was v v cathartic

[mathlann]

🩷🖤🩶 for blorbo of your choice? 👀

From this ask game. I'll actually be nice and answer for Heinrix on this one. Prepare for a long one on the first answer, lol.

🩷 Why are they your favorite?

Heinrix is unironically one of my favorite companions in Rogue Trader. Because he's terrible. But he doesn't want to be. But he's also too much of a dogmatic Company Man to really understand how awful he is/can be. He's a walking HR violation anytime a Xenos is within three star systems. He's the loneliest motherfucker on this ship. I will divorce this clown in every lifetime, that is how much I love him.

First of all, his internalized everything makes him just, so crunchy. Like, he came from some of the highest nobility in the Imperium (Tech Edition) to rock bottom, to two shakes from regaining his "place" per se (Space CIA Edition). And some part of him knows that Calcazar is the only person keeping him between here, as a "somebody" and the abyss of being just another tool-psyker. And the way his journey to discovering the Truth is also the process of systemically dismantling his own sense of importance as part of Calcazar's inner circle.... Like yeah, he was the potential successor, didn't make him less of a disposable pawn as the rest of them! So what was it all for?

And I think too how his hidden Iconoclast core shakes out is also really interesting because "Iconoclast" doesn't 1:1 mean "good person". Like he can and does show leniency in his Dogmatism with people of similar rank/protection as him (the RT, Jae) or people he can personally sympathize with (Idira, even tho it's insulting). And his romance is genuinely sweet, if bumpy. But at the same time he has a lot of anger in his heart and that gets expressed in ways that show some incredibly unnecessary cruelty to people he thinks are lesser (Vhaebos Prisoners, Yrliet, that one random guard). And he does not acknowledge that!!! Because he's a Space Racism Cop doing his job, which gives him a "get out of examining my issues free" card and Throne take him, he's gonna use it.

And on that latter bit, the other thing I really really love about Heinrix is how much a demonstrates how much the Inquisition really doesn't work as an institution? He's an acolyte of the Ordo Xenos, and his Xenos Lore is shit, which you'd think wouldn't be the case but, look at how he interacts with nominally friendly xenos like Yrliet. You go to Commorragh and he's like "idk...we gotta maybe use their politics against them" and then kicks up a holy fuss when you do that. He approves of busting Tervantias in that gate and later feeding Marazhai (your ally) to the daemon. Like okay, the Xenos are vanquished, Heinrix is the best boy. Don't worry about the multiple 5 star meals Slaanesh is eating because of it...that's not his department anyways. (Ordo Malleus Hates Him!)

He's just a special boy to me lol.

🖤 If they weren't from their source, what fandom universe do you think they would make the most sense in?

Heinrix could very much be A Guy in Dragon age. And I don't mean in the "he's like Cullen!" way, because he's not, at all, but in the sense that he would very much be a loyalist circle mage who's very invested in the Institution of the Chantry while still being tempted to break a few rules here or there (just him tho) y'know?

🩶 Alternatively, what fandom universe would they just perish in?

Saint's Row (or GTA, but I don't play those games). He's a cop at heart, the stress would wear him down even if he won't snitch immediately.

[yanderu-deredere]

I have a really curious ask: what would the yanderes think/react of s/o who can do parkour? They're really good at it and they love it. It's not like they can't stay still (lies) but they really like the adrenaline that comes with parkour everytime they do it and it's a nice stress-reliever

a/n: this is an interesting ask! i absolutely loved it but idk if all the yanderes would loool also i like the idea of a darling that can parkour just becos like wouldn't that make it so much easier to escape? LOL

would like it a lot! they're the exact same as you actually! they can't sit still either and they enjoy the adrenaline of going around and jumping over things. they'd probably join you if they already know how to parkour or they'd want to learn from you if they don't know how. overall, it would be something they'd like to do with you as a couple thing and as a way to make sure you're not hurting yourself

gavin, ryuu, mel

would be a bit in the middle with it. they'd allow you to continue doing it, of course, because it's something that relieves your stress and something that you enjoy. but they worry a bit that it's dangerous or that you'll end up hurting yourself. so they'd try their best to come with you any time that you want to go parkouring. they won't parkour with you but they just want to watch you and make sure you're staying safe and okay

leonard, ayaka, yeong-bae

would also be in the middle a bit with it but leaning more towards being happy about it. after all, anything that makes you happy also makes them happy. they won't go so far as to follow you around while you're parkouring but they'll make sure you're dressed properly so that it's less likely for you to get injured. might try to learn how to parkour but only to humour you and not to actually parkour with you frequently. plus, the excuse of you getting close to them while teaching them is too tempting to pass up

eun-jeong, ryouta, isamu

parkour? no way! too dangerous! they'd work with you to try and find a different hobby you can take up that's just as energy draining and stress relieving but way less dangerous. can't you take up a sport or something? that would be way better than rolling around on concrete and jumping over high walls. if you kick up a fuss about it, they'll just force you to quit because they're not about to let you get injured. parkour is dangerous!

gawain, emm

low-key doesn't give a shit LOL becos like it's your life and, as long as you're enjoying what you're doing, it doesn't matter to them. if you get injured, that's on you. they'll be there to patch you back up but getting injured is just part of life. now you'll know not to do that in the future. if you do get injured again, well, it's not like they're complaining. they like being able to baby you. in any case, as long as parkour isn't taking you away from them, feel free to do it as much as you like.

liam, fujio, soren, casimir

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

So I was reading this manhwa 'who made me a princess', idk if you know about it so brief description of it is a modern girl transmigrated into a book after her death, and its a princess who is disliked by her emperor/king? (forgot title) father and was eventually executed, anyway what i was trying to get at is that to show how terrible the father was there was entire scene where he killed all the concubines in cold blood after his wife's death (in webcomic there is no reason or readdressing of this fact afterwards, idk about the novel) so some of the fans were discussing that to show he changed as the comic was trying to portray, how powerful it would have been if he bowed down in front of those he killed, if he at least tried to make up for it. And idk looking at that discussion made me think if an attempt at post canon jiang cheng redemption (idk man maybe jiang yanlis ghost came to haunt him or some other reason where he tries i guess, maybe an older jin ling who is now stable in his position as the jin leader is the one who breakdowns and yells how much of a murderer/blood jiang cheng has of innocents on his hands after being approached by some poor family member of someone jiang cheng killed, the person is an old grandmother who asks 'my grandson was taken by sect leader jiang as a disciple he hasnt been back since, i hope he is well' and poor woman doesnt know the kids been tortured and killed and so jin ling says unless you apologize to them, unless you at least try to face your actions, dont call me your nephew again/i wont call you my uncle) jin ling (and just to be safe he tells wei wuxian all about the dates when they are going in case something goes wrong cause he trusts wei wuxian to help if things go south with jiang cheng) goes with him to prevent jiang cheng from lashing out if the families dont want to do shit with him, and to make sure he tells the truth of it and maybe its a finally wake up call for jiang cheng, because any time he even thinks of blaming wei wuxian he remembers how much of a clown he is ALA the temple scene and has no other choice but to face his actions if he wants to keep a relationship with jin ling. What are your thoughts on it?

I do think, in regards to Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng's relationship, his love for his nephew is to show that it isn't too late to show in actions, his own dedication to someone. Admittedly, I do not think Jin Ling has the heart to disown or think his uncle is a monster, as many do reasonably view him as readers. As he had said with his narration:

Somehow, there didn’t seem to be anyone he could blame or anyone he could hate. Wei Wuxian, Jin Guangyao, Wen Ning—he should hold every one of them responsible for his parents’ deaths. He had good reason to loathe each of them. But they all seemed like they’d had their reasons, and it left him unable to hate them.

But if he didn’t hate them, who could he hate? Had he deserved to lose both parents at such a young age? Was this how he would be forced to live—unable to seek revenge on his enemies, but also unable to loathe them without qualms?

He couldn’t take this lying down. He couldn’t help but feel aggrieved. How he yearned to perish with them and be done with it!

For many I don't think they see as Jiang Cheng being served enough of his own retribution. But not all of it is always putting someone in the worst possible situations to be reaped. The world of "demonic cultivation" is the realm of Xue Yang, not of Wei Wuxian, and is something that has been in underground existence even before Wei Wuxian. But don't know if Jin Ling would technically by these stories, as everyone has their reasons. It's about the healing over anything else that he eventually tries to grow with and become less ignorant through. This is already seen as he chooses night hunts with Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji mentoring with no mention of Jiang Cheng kicking up a fuss. It is a very small thing, but small things are all that can be used to achieve a better world and life. Jin Ling, I feel at least, does not want anything to do with further condemnation that will only cycle a hate that will not be satisfied unless you as a person decide to move on from it.

Jin Ling does know what his uncle is like, horribleness and all, but, love is also trying to stay with them and having the fortitude to stay with that person to hope they can be for the better. Jiang Cheng, will never be kind or fully capable of initiating remorse, but his actions are enough for Jin Ling to comfortably and finally be allowed to flourish, without the weight of self-doubt. Support, in that, is really what Jin Ling needs over wanting further condemnations for those that he loves and cares for.

A lesson ironically learned from Wei Wuxian a man he stated to hate so much, yet learned to love.

[godsofhumanity]

Athena’s relationships with the rest of the olympians ( + hades and persephone) hcs??

ZEUS

he's her father, and more importantly, her king.

i think Athena is fairly loyal to Zeus, and she respects him, BUT, she doesn't agree with everything he does.

Athena's first and most important goal in life is to serve JUSTICE, and sometimes she perceives that Zeus isn't just. that's when she tends to participate in Hera's rebellions.

but chiefly, she respects him a lot, and upholds/enforces his word.

in terms of father-daughter relationships, Zeus embarrasses Athena a lot.. she doesn't laugh at his dad jokes, just rolls her eyes.. the prank's on her though because any reaction is a good reaction to Zeus, and he gets a kick out of embarrassing any of his children, Athena included.

Athena tries not to act like she's Zeus' favourite, but she knows that Zeus is definitely the most lenient with her on account of her being his firstborn, and so, sometimes she does use this to her advantage (it's the strategic thing to do!).

HERA

already covered here

DEMETER

honestly? i don't think they have any particularly special relationships.. i don't see them interacting very much. they're civil/cordial with each other, but that's the extent.

HESTIA

Athena's mother will always only be Metis. and there's no other "living" god she would ever call "mother"... but i do like the idea that when Athena emerged, Hestia was the one who guided her around the place.

Hestia is the one who taught her about Olympus' history, about the social dynamics, about what to say and what not to say. Athena is a pretty rigid girl; she might say anything that came to her mind, but Hestia helps teach her to be a little more emotional.. a little more courteous.

she fills in the role that Metis would have served to a minor degree, and therefore, Athena always holds Hestia in high esteem.

POSEIDON

she doesn't hate Poseidon, but she does find him irritating.

Athena and Poseidon are always at odds with each other, and unintentionally, they always seem to have the opposite opinion.. i like the idea of Zeus sitting on his throne with Athena on the right side and Poseidon on the left, and both are trying to tell him different things.

they glare at each other a lot from one side of the hall to the other.

HADES

a similar deal like with Demeter.. i don't see Hades and Athena talking too much. i think they both just hold each other up with mutual respect, but there's nothing special.

PERSEPHONE

i'm not sure what the actual timeline is, but i like the idea that Persephone is already married to Hades by the time Athena emerges from Zeus' skull...

so even though Athena is actually older than Persephone, because Persephone is a Queen and ranks slightly higher than Athena, i like the idea of Persephone acting a little bit like an older sister to Athena.

they probably don't talk too much, but Persephone is very lovely and civil to literally every single person ever, so they would most likely be friends.. or at least friendly acquaintances.

ARTEMIS

as the only other young, chaste goddess around Olympus, i think Athena and Artemis have a natural friendship.

Artemis is excited when Athena is "born" because a) there's another goddess beside her, and b) Athena is likeminded with Artemis.. not just in their decision to remain chaste, but their "unemotionalness" (idk what the word is), and their desire to live their own lives on their own terms.

APOLLO

prior to Athena's birth, i think Apollo would assume the position of "eldest child", even though he's not. Artemis doesn't really want anything to do in Olympus, so she's usually off in the wilderness, which kinda just leaves Apollo there to deal with Hermes, Ares, and later Dionysus; Olympus' favourite troublemakers.

then when Athena arrives, she brings with her a new sense of authority and control that rivals Apollo, so i can see him getting a bit sidelined when Athena first arrives-- the boys listen to Athena immediately, but will throw a bit of a fuss when Apollo tells them the exact same thing she does.

over time of course, Athena and Apollo build a good rapport with each other. they don't really fight too much, and they both sort of pick on each other the way friends tease each other.

all in all; they're good to each other.

HERMES

Hermes isn't a child, but compared to all the other gods, he definitely gets treated like one because he's so mischievous.

Athena 100% fits the "elder sister" category with Hermes, and he does pretty much anything she tells him to.

they get along very well (who doesn't get along with Hermes??), and i can imagine Hermes expressing any doubts he has to Athena first and foremostly. they have a lot of trust between each other.

ARES

Ares and Athena have always been at odds with each other due to Zeus assigning Ares' domain to Athena.

their rivalry is mostly charged by Ares who believes it to be his, but Athena doesn't really perceive Ares as much competition so she shuts him down a lot.

that being said, i like the idea that sometimes Athena and Ares are quite in sync with each other... they have a similar tastes and ideas.

most importantly, i like the idea that Ares and Athena train together a lot-- they're the only ones who can really keep up with each other.

HEPHAESTUS

i'm aware of the dark side of Hephaestus and Athena's relationship, but i've erased it from my personal hc's because it doesn't really contribute anything to either gods' characters.

i actually like the idea of Athena and Hephaestus having a really good, friendly relationship.

in the beginning, i do agree that Hephaestus is in love with Athena- and being Zeus' son, he's arrogant and full of himself like his father, and can't imagine Athena ever refusing to marry him... until she does. repeatedly.

i have a hc that Athena, sick of Hephaestus' propositions, makes a bet with him-- she'll marry him willingly, without complaint, IF he can win against her in a duel. BUT, if Hephaestus loses, then he has to promise he'll never pursue Athena again but will support her decision to remain chaste and even defend it. and Hephaestus, already strong and pretty toned from all the blacksmithing he does, is like "sure, easy".

naturally, Athena wins.. she's a war goddess. and so from then on, Hephaestus is forced to give up his dream girl... and with time, his little crush dissolves and Athena and Hephaestus actually become very close.

he makes her all the latest weapons and tech, and she is one of the few gods who actually come down occasionally to spend time in the forge.

when Hephaestus has his troubles with Aphrodite and he intends to humiliate her and Ares by stringing them up and putting them on display, i like the idea that Athena, worried about Hephaestus' anger and obsession, attempts to convince him to settle things normally, with his words, because she knows he'll regret it later.. of course, she's unsuccessful, but she at least tries.

also, Hephaestus and Athena are sort of equal with each other. Hephaestus, Apollo, and Athena share a special bond in which they kinda all can tell each other the truth about how a situation is without the other party getting jealous or irritated...

for example, i like the idea of Hephaestus calling Athena out on her pettiness for cursing Arachne and Medusa when she attempts to call Hephaestus out on his pettiness for wanting to humiliate Ares and Aphrodite. no other god could speak to Athena like that and live to tell the tale. Apollo could have pulled this off as well, i believe.

DIONYSUS

honestly? again, nothing special. the way Athena is with Hermes is the way she is with Dionysus also.

APHRODITE

they're CIVIL to each other, but mostly, they don't really get along too much.

things started out bad when Aphrodite cheated on Hephaestus (due to Athena and Hephaestus being close).. so i think Athena never really had that high of an opinion of Aphrodite.

but things become even worse after the whole Trojan war stunt when Athena loses out to Aphrodite in a beauty competition.

all in all, Aphrodite's probably irritates Athena the most in the world. it doesn't help that Aphrodite is tight with Poseidon, whom Athena also doesn't get along with too much.

[banana-zim]

payment won't go thru on patreon and get an automated suspected fraud message. confirm I indeed meant to do that. message says everything is fine, continue to use card. patreon still won't accept payment. go in to bank to see if they know what's up. "idk, try logging in on our computers so we can see what's going on." *sweating bullets* "I don't have the info on me (true). I'll be back later." get home and continue fussing w the payment until I get another automated fraud alert. fuck it. makes a paypal bc I'm NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN TO MY BANK THAT I'M TRYING TO PAY FOR ALIEN DICK. thank fuck it finally worked. thank u food amen.

okay the fact you went ALL THE WAY TO YOUR FUCKING BANK to see alien dick is commendable; also the fact you did all that fucking legwork to see my art is a big hit of dopamine to my brain so im all :))))) rn

also patreon has been SUPER FUCKING WEIRD and some of my patreons got declined or cancelled late july so idk exactly who needs the help or to get fixed, or if people genuinely left bc they didnt want the patreon membership anymore (which is also totally OK for anyone who dropped out, i respect that).. but I do hope for those of you who wanted to stay and got kicked out with this Patreon issue floating around, that you are able to get back in <3

[xfindingtrouble]

thinking about vaeron's vanity / pride tonight. thinking about how much they love their hair, thinking about how much they love having nice clothes, thinking about what a kick in the ass it was when sylvia [ a npc who holds the moonblades he's trying to acquire ] scarred his face permanently. thinking about how thankful he is that he's got a mask to hide behind, so no one can see the very blatant mark of his inadequacy that directly contradicts everything he thought he knew about himself.

because to be real, vaeron has always known they're skilled. vaeron has always been wielded because of that skill. vaeron is 125 years old & spent 110 of those years in service to his family, fighting for whatever ideals they shoveled down his throat & spent a lot of that time thinking they were right. the only thing that instilled doubt was when they started talking about revolting, about taking over the ashen empire [ which is traditionally ran by 12 families, the moongleams being one of them ] & knowing that is could only end in chaos.

i think it's worth noting here that vaeron would probably be more chaotically aligned if not for his dedication to upholding the peace of his home & memory of his family. it gives him tunnel vision sometimes. he is interested in triggering chaos elsewhere, making the ashen empire far better by comparison but if anything threatens his homeland it becomes his #1 priority.

but circling back to vaeron's vanity / pride. i think his pride was part of the reason he thought killing off his family was the right way, i think he thought it was going to be a lot easier than it was. like in a physical sense, he thought it would be more challenging. he took out his uncle & cousins by surprise, had to fight his aunt & then snuck a blade into his mother's chest when she stumbled onto the scene. i am thoroughly convinced his mother would have wiped the floor with him if she wasn't concerned that her child was covered in blood in the middle of a room full of dead relatives. by the time he got to his father, he knew & accepted his fate with a bittersweet pride that his son could stand up for himself after a lifetime of taking orders.

[ the details are actually here. it's a little thing i wrote after vaeron got trapped in a loop of his worst day Ever so it's a little bit existential. because he's been there before & yet it's something he's experiencing in the moment. ]

anyways i love the idea of them growing out their hair as a sense of control when control is lost. where they were expected to dress & present a certain way as the moongleam heir, they have the chance to present as they want to. but while fussing over physical appearences they let a lot of their integrity kind of rot away in the fifteen years prior to the campaign they're in. where vaeron used to have a cause, someone & something to be loyal to he now only has the concept of something.

his skills get rusty, neglected save for the odd occasion where they have to earn money to live. they still have the pride of ' i can do anything don't test me ' without the skills to back that up which i think is So Funny because our campaign is centered on the concept of god killing & sylvia was the first one to be like ' you think you're there but you're fucking nowhere near' which is Everything to me. Vaeron is also a simp for her but that's beside the point it is hard not to swoon over a lvl 20 druid with big owl wings when you're a weird little guy[gender nurtral] idk i am just thinking about them tonight

[whimsicorner]

When u go like "I don't want to write it I'm not writing it" but then one of the little guys in your brain starts talking and u are a little fucked because you get attached easy (saw some fics and meta posts about AU where Sasuke isn't the sole survivor of the Uchiha massacre and started thinking about it but idk if I'll do it for real because hahaha)

....but I want to yap about it for myself, too....I'm not immune to small Uchiha ocs

Putting under a cut since this is me talking myself through it

Itachi gets slightly different orders and so some of the Uchiha children are spared if they're

1) Sasuke

2) totally civilian

3) too young to have started training at the academy

All the adults and all the other kids with any official training are still killed off. I haven't looked into it but since I imagine a lot of them would have been encouraged to go to the Academy for various reasons, this means that even though Sasuke isn't alone, the numbers are still depressingly low...

This leaves Sasuke, two or three cousins in his age bracket, and a fistful of toddlers and/or babies

(Debating Danzo grabbing a kid or two for ROOT but maybe he wouldn't for now, since he's already stealing eyes from the adults? And if they know who Itachi killed and who he should have spared, it might be more obvious if their body is missing? Unsure....side plot about rescuing their cousin...)

What follows is unclear but I was thinking some small things:

1) someone suggests separating the kids into different foster families since there's enough that adopting them all together wouldn't be feasible, and the older kids kick up enough of a fuss about it that they compromise: the kids can stick together but an adult is assigned to check in on them periodically. This may or may not end well. They do still live in the Uchiha district since they want somewhere with enough space for all of them but it's a little better because it's not just Sasuke by himself

2) eventually one of the kids points out to Sasuke that despite everything Itachi said and despite Tsukuyomi Genjutsu Hell, Itachi must still care about Sasuke because he should be dead otherwise, as an academy student. This is distressing for all of them because Itachi's motives are clear as mud and they don't understand what he was thinking

3) One of the kids didn't really want to be a ninja at all but he feels obligated to push through to graduation for various reasons. The heck of it is that he's actually good at ninja school despite starting late, and he and Sasuke end up talking it over (Sasuke is left feeling oddly settled when they talk about how his cousin doesn't have to be a ninja or he doesn't have to be the kind of ninja that goes out and does dangerous stuff, he's not a coward or useless for wanting to stay close to home and build things, since originally he was going to be a tailor like his parents) (they agree that flashy ninjutsu are very cool though) (it's the blood and potential killing that he's not happy about even though that's part of what they do)

4) someone has to be the clan head eventually and there is a very quick game of Not It (Sasuke takes it even though one of the other kids is slightly older, because the other kid really does not want it)

5) these kids all have really very high separation anxiety but they have to get a babysitter while the older ones are at school and shenanigans ensue. Part of the worry is "what if Itachi comes back," but someone points out that if Itachi comes back they're too little to do much about it anyway, even if they're all together, and it's too scary of a thing to be scared of it all the time. Depressingly practical child.

6) if Kakashi stays still long enough he is getting adopted by small children because at least one of them aside from Sasuke has the Sharingan and he's the only one around that can show them anything

7) Sasuke survivor guilt (ongoing) when it sinks in that Itachi spared him but killed his cousins (some of the other survivors had siblings and all) and they have a bit of a harrowing moment trying to talk him down from where his brain goes off to (separate from the incident where they agree that Itachi probably still cares about him)

8) Sasuke vs his cousins on whether or not any of them are going after Itachi (Sasuke wants to do it but they don't want him to go alone but he doesn't want them to be endangered and etc etc etc this is an ongoing discussion because not all the cousins are big on revenge anyway—justice if it can be found, but revenge doesn’t help with the little baby cousins needing care)

9) if it runs long, Orochimaru is probably very stressful because there's more options than just Sasuke this time, though Sasuke is the best of them

10) Naruto and Sakura and the cousins would be funny if I could figure out what I wanted...

11) If it runs really long and i can finagle it, one of the cousins figures out that Itachi was kind of trying to get Sasuke to kill him someday and is like (face in hands????) (a picture has been slowly forming in their mind and they don't like it but idk if they're positioned well enough to do anything about it bc this is all very murky) (I think it would be funny for Itachi to get yelled at by the cousin who didn't want to be a ninja)

I want to reread Naruto before I get into it but I started thinking about the Uchiha cousins piling into Sasuke’s hospital room because of separation anxiety and was like (oh no) because one of them was talking about how he never counted all his cousins but he knows they're dead because there's no way the entire family of cousins could have fit. And also he can't cry because some of the nurses might be sympathetic but the grown ups might think he's too little if he cries, and he's trying to take care of things while Sasuke is still knocked out despite being, like, nine. Maybe ten?

[delphi-shield]

communion // claire redfield

Claire x afab!Reader Smut wc: 2065 mdni - 18+ read on ao3

this is literally my worst nightmare i dont ever want to have a relationship like this again. unless......

the pillow princess kinda jumped out of me and onto the page, sorry. or you're welcome. idk. up to you.

afab reader, tit sucking, oral (reader receiving), religious imagery (my bad), really meandering prose, don't get into a relationship like this i'm begging you, not proofread

It’s over. You’re not sure it ever really began, but watching Claire sling her backpack over her shoulder, motorcycle helmet tucked under her arm, you know it’s over.  It’s over, and she’s back at your place the following weekend.

It’s over.

You’re not sure it ever really began, but watching Claire sling her backpack over her shoulder, motorcycle helmet tucked under her arm, you know it’s over. She’s not mad. It’s nothing that you did. She just can’t continue on like this, that’s all. No hard feelings. Water under the bridge. You’re still friends. Nothing has to change.

It’s over, and she’s back at your place the following weekend. Crashed out next to you on your couch, heels kicked up on your coffee table, she looks like she never left. 

You wish things would change. You wish this wasn’t so tense, wish the silence didn’t feel like it was crushing you. Every movement is magnified, every breath, every uncomfortable shift. You’re hyper aware of the smallest details. Claire seems infuriatingly unbothered. Her foot bobs carelessly. She pulls her hair from her ponytail with no concern for how it spills over her shoulder, how the scent of her shampoo drifts over to you. (Coconut. Not her usual scent. You wonder if she’s just mixing things up or if she’s showered at someone else’s place, and the jealousy of this imagined transgression carves out a cavern in your chest.) 

If there’s any part of her that feels the tension the way that you do, she doesn’t show it. The TV drones on in the background, a cooking competition show from the mid-2000’s. Claire scrolls through her phone, one arm propped up behind the couch - behind you. She doesn’t like this show. You know she doesn’t like this show. She made it a point to tell you how much she hated it every time it was on, yet she sits next to you silently. This is less affection and more apology.

Her hand settles against your ankle to get your attention, showing you a text from someone at work and complaining half-heartedly about their incompetence. She doesn't move her hand away. This is how it always starts with Claire. Innocently enough that it doesn’t draw attention, not until her hands are helping you out of your clothes and laying you back against the closest surface.

You should pull your leg back. She wouldn't push you. You know she wouldn't. She would accept your silent refusal without a fuss, any awkwardness wiped away without so much as a word. She’s good like that - good at making you comfortable in the face of confrontation. Her hand strokes along your calf, thumb rubbing circles into your tense muscles. You sigh, somewhere between a noise of enjoyment and exasperation at how readily you’re giving in to her again. Her hand rests against your knee only a moment before sliding up to your thigh.

“Claire,” you say, voice a warning.

“What?” She feigns innocence, setting her phone aside. Her fingers curl, knuckles pressing circles against your skin.

You give her a look - the kind a mother spares a child who’s been misbehaving - but otherwise say nothing. Your attention turns back to the TV, trying to focus on the show. If you fill your head with the dramatics of reality TV, the dramatics of your life will pale in comparison, surely.

From the corner of your eye, you see Claire’s smile thin to something mischievous. She scoots closer to you, her leg pressing against yours. Her arm slips down from the back of the couch, wrapping around your shoulders and curling you closer to her, close enough for her to mouth at your neck, to nip at your earlobe and send a shower of sparks down your spine.

Your body ignites at her touch, the yearning you had prayed to fade surfacing so quickly that it makes you ache. Any pretenses of disinterest fall away so quickly it’s shameful. You arch into her, turning your head to capture her lips with yours. She stops, pulling back from you, so close and so far.

"No, no, keep watching," Claire says, the pattern of her breathing not even disturbed. She turns your head back to the TV with two fingers against your jaw. Her hand glides down your neck, glancing over your collarbone, pausing its pilgrimage only to cup your breast. She holds you there, feels the weight of you in her palm, and then her body’s slipping between your legs, knocking them wide with her knee. Her mouth latches onto your neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses against your pulse.

It’s going to hurt, you think. Her teeth catch at your collar bone, the strap of your tank top shuffled down your shoulder. She sucks her devotion into your skin, the mark mottled and darkening even before she runs her teeth along it to ensure it takes. She squeezes your breast firmly, thumbs brushing over your nipple, aching and peaked under your clothes.

She pulls back from your skin, wedging her nails between her teeth and prying her press-ons off.  You groan, swat at her limply, murmuring ‘gross’. She tosses them aside, and a moment’s irritation passes through you. You’ll have to find those later.

But for now? She has you fucking pavlov’d. Your knees fall apart for her, skin prickling as the back of her fingers trail against your inner thigh. Her fingers drag against your clothed cunt, not nearly enough pressure to even begin to unwind the coiling knot in your stomach.

She hums, her hand laying flat against your stomach, just above the waistband of your panties. She waits for any sign of protest. When you offer none, she hooks a finger under the elastic, tugging gently.

"This okay?" She asks.

You should say no. You should tell her that you’re going to bed, that she can have the couch, that you can’t keep doing this.

The thought crosses your mind as you’re lifting your hips to help her. Your hand cups her jaw, tugs her up to your face. You kiss her to satisfy a bone-deep need for her, your mouth falling open for her tongue to claim - and she does so eagerly.

She pulls away from you to work her way down your body, kissing a wet trail down your skin and stopping to free you from your shirt. Bared to her, she sits back on her thighs to admire you, her eyes half-lidded and lips swollen red. Her gaze flutters between your tits and your cunt, brows pinching together. This is the toughest decision she’s had to make all night.

Her hands grasp your hips, tugging you down the couch. There's a power in her grip that you don't often see, and it makes your stomach squirm. Your teeth dig into your bottom lip, stifling a giggle. The corner of her lips lift into a smile. She leans over you, taking a nipple into her mouth. For a moment you think she’s made her choice. You arch into her mouth, whine sharpening into something high and needy when her fingers pinch your neglected nipple.

But she pulls away from your with a wet, sloppy noise. She presses your tits together for a moment to kiss both of them, and then she’s making her way back down your body. Her hands squeeze you until she rests between your thighs.

Her arms slip under your knees, hands coming around to brace the top of your pillowy thighs. She pauses, a dreamy sigh floating from her lips. She urges your hips up again to tuck one of the couch pillows underneath you, and then she’s settled, encouraging your legs to rest over her shoulders and lock you there once you oblige. Claire's cheek pillows against your thigh. This has always been where she looks most at peace.

Claire doesn’t eat pussy. She worships it. 

Any vestiges of shame disappear the moment her head dips between your legs. Her tongue laves a worshipful path against your heat, bottom to top, savoring the journey and moaning her adoration into your skin.

If you could see her, see the way she admires your cunt with such reverence, you might push her away. She kneels at your altar and laps at the communion your body offers her so willingly. There's forgiveness in the act, collecting absolution on her tongue. Her fingers dimple the flesh of your thighs and tug you closer, and for a moment it feels like she needs you just as much as you need her.

The sounds coming from her are sinful. She suckles your clit so eagerly that you have to fist a hand in her hair and tug her back, the sensation too much, too quick. She pulls back, kissing your folds gently in apology. Her tongue shifts to swipe flat and broad over your folds. Her nose nudges against your pudgy clit, just enough sensation for you to lay back, boneless, moans falling from your lips.

She takes her time with you, savoring every moment she spends with her lips around you. There’s no reservation in the way she slurps and sucks at you, no shame in how she drinks down everything that you give her and returns it back to you in a moan, a hum against your skin that leaves you buzzing. If she could taste your moans, if she could kiss you quiet at the same time, you could die happy.

Her tongue churns against your clit, steady and predictable. She makes no effort to pin your hips down. Her shoulders roll with every buck and twitch, holding you to her, relishing the way that you writhe. Her finger presses into you, and you swear to god you hear her laugh against you. Another finger joins the first, the resistance negligible. You can’t tell which noises are from Claire and which are from the way your body greedily sucks her fingers in.

She knows your body well, but she rushes nothing. Her fingers curl into that spot inside you that makes you wail. Your hand fists in her hair, trying to hold her mouth in place, your voice high and desperate when you plead, “there, right there, please, Claire.”

Your thighs clamp around her head, hips rutting against her face. Her fingers grind against that perfect, spongy spot inside you and fuck, you’re gone, back arching, heel digging into her shoulder blade. Your toes curl, the pleasure erupting and spreading hot through your veins. Her tongue curls against your clit, lips shifting into a smile against you that you can picture with such perfect clarity even as your vision blurs. She coaxes moan after broken moan from you, not satisfied until your voice turns to a whimper, until your hands push feebly at her shoulders.

She pulls away from you with a last lurid lick. A shudder shakes your body, and she’s quick to soothe it, pulling you into her arms.

Claire slides up your body, her hands skimming reverently against your sides. Her weight presses you into the couch, her cheek resting against your stomach. In the gleam of the TV, her mouth shines with spit and you.

"Who got kicked off?" she asks casually, her breathing already evened out again.

"I dunno. Think I blacked out for a little."

Claire laughs, her hands squeezing your waist. She plants a kiss on your stomach and nuzzles closer. “That good, huh?”

You roll your eyes - not that she can see - and tug her hair just hard enough to be playful. Not gonna dignify that with a response, you think.

The moment is comfortable. It’s warm, familiar, even.

It’s over, you remind yourself. Her backpack is still by the door, ready to be picked up on her way out. You try to sit up and she presses you back down, whining that you’re comfortable, that you’re warm, and soft, a perfect pillow, please, baby, just hang out for a little. She plants a gentle kiss to your sternum and whispers promises of cleaning you up in a moment.

It’s a lie, you know that. You’ll both fall asleep here. You can only hope that you’ll wake with her still in your arms.

Against your better judgement, you reach up and pull the blanket down from the back of the couch. You fold it back to cover the both of you. Your hand pushes her hair from her face. You don't mean to comb your fingers through her hair. You don't mean to untangle her locks, to fix the mess that you had made of her. You can't help yourself.

[yourfaveanon]

footballers in Germany are not “celebs”. You won't find any other footballer on the tabloids as much as he is. I am sure he plays straight, selling these stories and there are several pictures of him with his ex wife or him with his present gf right now where he looks uncomfortable as fuck and as if someone has a gun pointed to his head. Yes they did actually threaten to kick Germany out. Basically it's more than just FIFA. It's Qatar. They don't even believe in human rights. Gay rights and everything are far far off. You can be killed or jailed just for being gay. I think him and Goretzka both just can't stand the homophobia. Like I believe he doesn't wanna come out but he doesn't feel right just doing nothing for the community. And it's only him and Goretzka who do this every time. Gnabry is gender fluid and he still doesn't get in the mess against authorities and that's saying something.

I don't get your logic but if u wanna idolize him for this then okay?

why would he do the arm band thing so publicly but still sell stories to make him look straight? what is the point of that?

this is not so much me being argumentative but more just flabbergasted

wearing that band and being able to make a fuss is such privilege. idk what you even mean when u say gnarby didn't even do anything so that means neuer, the privileged white man who has probably never known a moment in his life where he feels threatened in his environment simply for being who and what he is, is somehow braver?

gnarby, a black man growing up in Germany? surrounded by racism and physical danger? who knows what it's like and doesn't want to risk himself over an armband that literally has saved zero gay lives? shocking??? the guy who has had to live with discrimination his whole life, on the street, on the field, in the fucking locker room?? is less willing than the guy who has never been demeaned or treated as less than human to show up on an international stage and put on a piece of cloth?

what a plot twist wow

lol Qatar don't even believe in human rights yah u rite but that doesn't mean they're stupid. they're going to spend all this money, use all that slave labor to build a tournament so the world will look at them, do ALL of this over DECADES to build up their image and then go and snatch a Western European white man and JAIL him? or do anything physical to him? from the bottom of my soul are you kidding me? when for a single minute while he was there was he not monitored and surrounded by security? he's not just some schmoe off the street risking his life to speak out. he has privilege and power behind him.

[captain-neutrino]

Okay I don't want to make anyone in particular feel bad, but I just want to say it makes me a little uncomfortable when I say

"What if this character was disabled (colorblind)?"

And the majority response is, "let's try to take advantage of their disability to make them wear things they aren't comfortable with!"

Like I know he's a fictional character and its all in good fun but after awhile it feels disrespectful. Achromatopsia is a real disability that ppl deal with, a lot of asks have been showing their ignorance in saying they would "teach Dark how to distinguish colors" as if a disabled person wouldn't know how to navigate their disability better than a non-disabled person

And some ppl jumping to "I'd get Dark color correcting lenses!" also show their ignorance because 1) it jumps to the desire to Fix a disabled person and 2) Color correcting glasses do NOT work for people with achromatopsia anyways

It just feels like Darkiplier with achromatopsia is being treated as a Quirky Fictional Character Trait with no thought or respect to actual ppl who have the disability and AGAIN i realize how silly it is to kick up a fuss over a character who is literally named "Darkiplier" but idk i just wanted to say something

I want everyone to have FUN and thats why I want to make sure any colorblind or otherwise disabled ppl feel comfortable here and not like they're being made fun of or used as a gimmick! 🖤🤟🏽

[finelinevogue]

the fact that Y/N has post natal depression Is somewhat refreshing idk I just don't see it talked about much on here and if it is it's like Hella angsty and the partner doesn't understand what it is but I was wondering if u could touch on it a bit more cause it's something I'm really scared about happening to me and I just want harry to hold me and tell me it's going be okay 😚😚😚😚

P.s. if u don't wanna it's understandable

anon: can u write about harry helping y/n through her ppd maybe like the 3rd time was so bad that h decide that he won’t be having more children

so this was requested twice so i would love to be able to write this for you both, hope this is okay - mind it’s heavily angsty!;

tw: vomiting, ppd and od

oli - 4, felix - 3, belle - 12 weeks

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

The birth of your newly born daughter, Isabella, had really taken a back pedal on your mental health. You had suffered with post natal depression after the birth of your two sons, but nothing as bad as this.

It had hit you around the 7 week mark after giving birth. The pregnancy itself was okay, even though she was slightly premature, but it was after you’d taken her home that it’d all spiralled downhill. It started with complications with her breastfeeding - like she was rejecting the milk that you had produced. It hurt to see her reject you and your body, finding more comfort in drinking from a pre-made milk bottle as her dad rocked her to sleep. You recall the evening so clearly and felt like an utter failure as you watched her drink a bottle of formula for the first time.

“Ssh ssh,” Harry cooed to your 7 week old daughter as he rocked her in his arms on the rocking chair in her nursery. She was whining because she was hungry, but the problem was that she wasn’t accepting your milk. She hadn’t been accepting your milk all day and now it was becoming dangerous for you to keep on saying ‘Oh i’ll just try later.’ Harry had told you to make a formula bottle for her. “Mummy’s coming.”

As much as you didn’t want to, you were walking back to the nursery with a warm bottle in your hands. You’d tested it on your hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot and then taken a sip to taste it, out of jealousy, and you thought that it didn’t taste any different to you. Then again you’re not a 7 week old human whose only date is milk.

“Look here’s mummy with your yummy milk, okay? Look Belles!” Harry cooed at his darling angel and you only wished he wasn’t as happy for her as he was.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, handing him the bottle and standing nearby, part of you hoping that she would reject this too and she wasn’t just rejecting you.

But no, she drank the formula like it was her last meal.

“Such a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Harry praised her, watching her in awe as she kept on drinking the formula. Watching as she was drinking to become the strong girl you knew she’d become. It just hurt that it wasn’t you that could help her become that.

You felt powerless. Worthless, even. The one thing that you had carried the weight of your breasts around to do and you couldn’t even do it. Your nipples were so sore and your breasts ached so badly and it was all for nothing. Perhaps it was punishment for being such a bad mum. Perhaps you’d never been good enough for this job and it was your bodies way of shutting you down forever. You wouldn’t need the ability to produce milk anymore, because you weren’t worth the title of becoming one again. You wanted to be happy for your little one, seeing her happy but all you felt was rejection and sadness. She didn’t think you were good enough to be her mum and that really hurt.

Along with the breastmilk problem, Belle also became very stubborn when you wanted to change her nappy. Anytime you tried to change and help her she put up a fuss, kicking her legs and sometimes she would bite or hit you away. It was just a reminder that you weren’t a good enough mum for her and that she didn’t feel safe enough around you. She didn’t find comfort in your presence and she was so fussy about what you did around her. With Harry, though, she was an angel. She loved him so much and obviously he made her feel so loved and safe - something you’d clearly never be able to give her.

There was also the chores of being a mother to your other two sons too. Oli and Felix were old enough to understand that they had a baby sister, but they weren’t old enough to understand how miserable you were. Harry wasn’t even able to figure it out yet. You tried your best to put on your bravest face, knowing that your family needed you to be strong but the truth was that you were crumbling on the inside. You were feeling less and less like yourself and you were waiting for the moment when you’d completely fall apart. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was just numb.

“You two boys okay?”

You walked into the children’s playroom see that they were sat at the little table colouring in. Felix’s little legs dangled slightly, whereas Oli’s legs touched the floor and it made your heart swell at how big they were both getting.

“Yep!” Oli cheered, scribbling with his left hand as his tiny tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated - a habit passed onto him from his father.

“What are you both drawing?” You asked, coming over and kneeling on the floor beside them and having a peek at their drawings.

“We’re colouring for daddy.” Felix answered, some of the words not being pronounced properly due to his young lisp and lack of being taught how to say things correctly yet.

His words stung though. You appreciated that he was only a toddler and he meant nothing evil or malicious by it, but it hurt to think that maybe, just maybe, your sons were doing this for their dad because he did so much more for them than you did. Of course you tried to be the best mum you could, but maybe you weren’t doing enough. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum after all, or at least not a good one.

“O-oh,” you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes because your boys looked so proud at their artwork - and you should be too. “Tell me about them then, my loves.”

Oli went first, “So this is me and this is Oli and this is dad. It’s us playing football like we did the other day, mummy.” He pointed out to each of the figures, some looking actually quite terrifying but you’d never have the heart to tell him that. The figures were all holding hands though and it hurt to think that you weren’t a part of that.

“Oh that’s so good Ols!” you rubbed his head of hair and then turned to Felix’s, “What about you Fix?”

“I drew daddy as the best.” He pointed to a trophy that the figure - more like a stick-man-slenderman - was holding, which was decorated with the award of ‘my hero’.

“I told him to write hero, mummy.” Oli added, and you smiled at both of them.

“Well done. Good job both of you. Daddy will love these!” You only wished that they would draw something for you. You hated to think that you were being petty, but honestly you just wanted to feel loved. “Shall I go cut up some apple for a snack, hey?” You asked, trying to feel useful.

“Daddy is making us smoothies!” Felix answered and you had to stand up, up and away from their heigh, so they didn’t catch the tears in your eyes.

“Okay! Don’t forget to give him those pictures - he’ll love those.” You praised them and they both giggled to each other.

The sight of your sons laughing should’ve made you so happy, but it only reminded you that you weren’t the source of their happiness. You weren’t on their mind enough to be their inspiration for drawings. You definitely weren’t their hero. You were just a woman to them, not a mum. You wanted to be so much more but it was clear that they didn’t need you. They were loved by their dad and each other, not in need of your heart.

Eventually Belle settled down and was sleeping better through the night, leaving you and Harry to much more peaceful nights sleep. Well, just Harry.

You had found it near impossible to get to sleep now. You lay awake at night wondering when Belle would next wake up, wondering when she’d next need you. Harry was always quick out of bed though, even if he actually was sleeping, to help her ordering you to stay in bed and rest yourself. You couldn’t help feel like he was telling you to stay put because he knew you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly - and you started to believe him.

You’d found yourself getting jealous of those that could get to sleep. When you were walking down the road you’d judge a person by how much sleep they looked like they got last night. You definitely looked like you only had 2 hours - even when you’d only had 37 minutes but who’s counting? Your dark circles were heavily noticeable, but no one cared enough to ask. Even Harry stayed clear of you more and more often; spending more time with the kids than you and sleeping on his side of the bed instead of yours at nighttime.

There had been one evening where you had been so restless that Harry had gotten so frustrated and left the room, with a blanket and a pillow, and slept on the couch. You’d never felt so much like a burden than that night. Your family was rejecting you and you felt like a failure. You were a success at failing in everything. The meals you cooked went half eaten by everyone because you would’ve forgotten to add a key ingredient. The children preferred to spend more time playing with their dad because you weren’t energised enough to play the games they wanted to. Your daughter still rejected your milk. It was all too much and you just wanted one nights peace for it to change.

Last night had been that night.

Fuck these were so addicting. You were finally getting the sleep that you so badly craved, only with the help of tablets.

You wanted the sleep because that was the one place you could escape to. You needed that escape to help you get out of bed the next morning. Life was too hard for you to not dream, and without dreaming you didn’t want life.

It started off with taking one every night before bed, but then they stopped working again, so you started taking two, then three. Four was obviously where your body hit its limit.

“Mummy? Can you come tuck me in please?” Oli asked, little toy giraffe in hand and shaking you in hopes of waking you up to send him peacefully off to sleep.

You’d gone to bed a bit earlier tonight, lying saying that you were extremely exhausted. Harry said he would be able to handle things and that’s when you excitedly ran upstairs to take your pills; 4 of them. You’d made it into your bed, feeling slightly drowsy after completing your nighttime routine, but then you started to feel unwell and really ill. Before you’d passed out you’d stuck your fingers down your throat in hopes to make the feeling in your stomach disappear, but it ended up you throwing up all over the bed and pass out right there.

“Mummy! Wake up!” Oli rattled your back, but you were still unresponsive.

Oli padded out of the room and down to his sisters room where he knew his dad was. Belle was being extra fussy this evening and Harry suspected it had everything to do with you retiring early. He heard Oli come into the room just as he’d gotten Belle down.

“Y’alright buddy?” Harry whispered, tip-toeing out of Belle’s room, leaving the door open slightly, and crouched down in front of him.

“No. Mummy’s not waking up.” Oli pouted, rubbing a tired fist over his eye.

“She’s probably in dreamland, bud. She was really tired today.”

“She’s really tired all of the times.”

“I know, Ol.” Because Harry did know, but he was too much of a coward to face up to the problem. The doctors had said that post natal depression can strengthen with every birthed child, but he was too blind sighted by the fact that you’d overcome the first birthed post natal depression so quickly, and was so in love with his baby girl, that he didn’t truly see how bad things had gotten. Harry had tried giving you some space, distancing himself from you in bed and spending more time with the kids so you could relax and rest up, but nothing seemed to be working. He was surprised, actually, that you’d been having better sleep recently and so was hopeful that maybe the worst of the depression was over.

Hell, was he so wrong.

“Go to bed, bud okay? I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Wake mummy up so she can give me a kiss.”

“I’ll try little man, alright?” Harry scuffed his sons hair and then watched him walk off to his room.

Harry walked into your dark room, the air smelling slightly sour, and walked around to your side of the bed. He sat down next to you sighed heavily. He needed to speak to you, no matter how tired or angry you’d be with him. He was losing you as a wife and a mother and a soulmate and a lover. He was just losing you, just as you were losing yourself and he was doing tip-toeing around the problem any longer. He was going to try and make this better. He was going to better understand how you were feeling in order to help you.

“Baby?” He spoke softly, nudging you gently, “Baby wake up.” No response. “Y/N, my love? Wake up for me darling, need to speak with you.” Normally you would’ve stirred by now but there was still nothing. “Y/N?” Harry shook you a bit more urgently now - one that would surely wake even the deepest of sleepers. “Y/N!” He shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly for the comfort of his children.

He turned you over and that’s when he knew this was very, very, bad.

Your face was pale grey and your mouth was covered in the remains of vomit, and he suddenly understood the gross sour smell from before. Your hair was greasy and stuck all in the wet sick all over your face. Your eyes were puffy from the remains of tears. You looked dead.

“No, no, no. Y/N! No you don’t.” Harry’s eyes starting weeping and he couldn’t think straight. He checked your pulse on your wrist and timed it - it was unhealthily faint. He wouldn’t be surprised if you were in your last beats of your heart. His tears and sobs were uncontrollable, but he had to be both strong for you and his children, as well as for him. “Fuck sake pull yourself together Harry. Okay, baby hold on please. Okay? You don’t get to leave me like this, you hear me? I love you so much, baby. Fuck i’m so sorry.” He gently placed your head back down on the pillow and pulled out his phone.

999

“What’s your emergency?”

“I need a-an ambulance p-please. I-I think my wife i-is dying.”

The rest of it was a blur for Harry. Him trying to wake you up. The ambulance arriving. Oli and Felix crying when they saw you being carried away on a stretcher. Belle’s deafening screams. Harry’s heart beating for the both of you.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was the rhythmic beeping sounds that woke you up.

Your whole body felt achey and sore, your head a pounding mess. You opened your eyes slowly, adjusting them to the light of the room. You expected to see the family photo on the wall opposite you and the white of your curtains, but you were met with a heart-monitor machine and a hospital bed instead. You looked down at your body and noticed a cannula in your arm, making you squirm because you hated stuff like that so much. Your nose had a tube running inside it too, feeding you the oxygen your lungs weren’t receiving properly.

It then dawned on you how you weren’t in the room alone. You saw a sleeping Anne and Gemma on the chairs in the far corner, with Felix and Oli tucked against their sides - Anne with Oli and Felix with Gemma. It was so cute to see them so cuddled up close. They looked peaceful. You took note of the baby pram that was at the end of your bed, most likely playing bed to your beautiful daughter. Your mind felt lost. You can’t really remember what had happened, apart from taking four of those sleeping pills. You fully remember the weight of feeling worthless and useless as both a mum and a wife, though, and that feeling was still very prominent.

Your eyes lastly landed to the side of you, where Harry was sat but also laid on your bed. The top of half of his body laid upon the bed, his head buried onto this arm deep within the bed, whilst his bottom stayed rooted to the chair. His hand was holding yours tightly, which was a sign that he wasn’t asleep. You were so scared to face him though. You had failed him, again and again and you weren’t sure whether you could be enough for him anymore. Enough for your family anymore.

You squeezed his hand three times saying ‘I love you.’

“Y/N,” He whispered so hoarsely, but you were so focused on him to even catch it. He looked ruined, and you’d done that to him. His eyes were dark and tired, but also red and puffy from where he’d been crying. His hair was a mess and you could tell it hadn’t been washed in a while. How long had you been out for? You felt rested in your sleep, but not in your mind or your heart.

“I—” Your breathe got caught in your throat, but you persevered to finish your words. He deserved to here them. “I’m sorry.” You were whispering so you didn’t disturb anyone else in the room.

“No, stop it. I’m sorry baby.”

“Harry don’t, you don’t have anyt—”

“Stop yes I do I—”

“Harry please you don’t owe—”

“Y/N listen!” He cut the little volley-conversation and ordered you to just stop. You started crying when you saw that he was too. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now. Because I love you. Fuck, I do. I love you so much that when I found you unconscious in a pile of your own sick thinking you were dead, my only thought was that I wished it were me instead”.

“Harry, you don’t mean—”

“My god Y/N! You don’t get it, do you? I would do anything to switch places with you right now. I would suffer a thousand times over if it meant you were okay. I’d suffer in hell for you. Nobody else but you has ever made me feel like this. I married you because I love you and I want to wake up next to you every day of my beating hearts life. I chose to have children with you, because I knew how great of a mum you’d be and what beautiful people you’d help bring up into the world—”

“But i’m not.” You cut Harry short, trying to pull your hand away from him but he didn’t let you - only tightening his grip and pulling himself closer towards you. He was so close you could kiss him.

“Not what?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. You’d both had this conversation before, but you were both tired of it and were ready for it to be your last now.

“A good mum. I’m- i’m not a good mum or wife, Harry and i’m sorry.”

“I told you not say it and stop thinking it, because you’re completely wrong Y/N. You’re a good mother and a good wife, because you are a good person.”

“But i’m not great.” You whimpered, thinking back to the drawings your Oli and Felix had done. “I’m not the best.”

“But you don’t have to be, baby. You see our beautiful, healthy, happy and safe babies over there?” Harry turned to look at them, love in his eyes as in yours. “They wouldn’t be all those things, no matter how you feel about yourself, without you. I could never have brought them up to be half the people they are without you by my side, the way you make me a better person. You claim you don’t got this, but baby you’re already doing it and have been doing it for 5 years with our children and so much longer with me.”

“I’m just so fucked up Harry.” Your head tilted back on the pillow as you got heavily emotional over the situation.

Harry shook his head and moved his hand to cup the back of your neck, moving your head forwards until it met his. The touch of his skin against yours, no matter where and how small, made you feel alive and you’d missed him and that feeling so much. You missed loving him so much.

“Listen to me.” He ordered, keeping you still. “You are strong and you are brave Y/N Styles. No matter what you tell yourself I will be here every goddamn day of my life, if I have to, to remind you that you are worth more than your fucking weight in gold. You are my heart. You are my soul and the mother to my greatest achievements. I know they are yours too, just as I know I am your heart.

“You are.” You whispered so quietly under your breathe, but Harrys heart warmed when he caught you saying it. He knew though.

“Just let me love you. Let me be there for you. If you want medication then let’s do it, and i’ll be there for every step of the way. If you want to go to a rehabilitation centre for a bit, that’s okay we can—”

You shook your head and licked the tears away from your face. You were both such tearful messes, but the love between you was undeniable. “No, no please, no.”

“Okay, okay, love. We won’t. See, you’re okay. I promise, you’re okay. Stay with me, yeah? I’ll love you and keep you safe, just as you will me.”

“Promise.” You told him sincerely. He brought his lips to yours with that single word. He was so proud of your for being so brave and strong. He wishes he was half the person you were. His lips conveyed those thoughts of his and you could taste the love and passion burning through his heart and out on to his lips. He tasted like home. z he was home. Your lips smacked together messily, but you didn’t care because you loved each other too much and had kissed each other even more. Once you pulled back he stayed close to you, smiling at you with such awe. “I think.. I think I want to try medication please.”

Harry didn’t say ‘okay’ or ‘sure thing’, no. He said four words that meant more to you in that moment that any others in the universe. More than saying ‘I love you.’ Words that reminded you that not everything is okay and that sucks really bad, but you’re doing your best to get through it. It was a reminder that you had so many people who loved you and cared for you. It was a gun at the starting line symbolising that the journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but worth it.

“I’m proud of you.”

[pourcap]

thoughts: cp chapter 13

ohh so that's why laurent shirked border duty... god is anything ever just the way it seems in vere?? laurent growing up as the crown prince sounds so incredibly exhausting

"(...) You will need someone you can trust." i mean, he's not wrong, but i don't know if i can handle laurent eventually finding out who damen is after he's begun to trust (and maybe fall in love) with damen :(

That, unreasonably, annoyed him. ‘If I’d bedded you, you’d know it.' i love when damen gets all i-have-a-big-dick-and-know-what-to-do-with-it and idk if there will be nsfw scenes between damen and laurent in those novels but if there are but they're written horribly i will be very disappointed (i am quite optimistic though because of the well-written but obv morally very dubious damen/ancel scene)

'I want you to rot here.' not that his reaction is much of a surprise but still: ouch.

'I think if you could beat your uncle on your own, you would have done it already.' i loooooove damen so much <3 he's such an idiot though like hello?? you're still pretending to be a common solider!! but i love love love when he isn't afraid to call laurent out

i feel so bad for damen :(

The Regent could have dispensed with his nephew years ago, with little fuss. It was easier to blame the death of a boy on mischance than that of a young man about to ascend to the throne. Damen could see no reason why boy-Laurent should have escaped that fate. hmmm. i hate the regent. he makes me gag :)))))

(...) Damen felt a certain amount of empathy with the man: Laurent could inspire homicidal tendencies simply by breathing. *gagging* (but i do like that description of laurent)

ohhhh !!! laurent changed his mind !!! i am so excited for this !!!

damen is even given armour?? isn't he like 6'5 and burning with hatred for laurent after all that's been done to him??

'Sleeping in his tent?' if these were any other characters i'd be happy about this (i mean, i still am, but i just can't see this going well)

He passed a hand over his face. Laurent had agreed to this? better not get a boner again @ damen

'(...) I just hope he knows what he’s doing with you, and that he’s not like the Regent says, distracted by his first taste of cock.' i like jord so much but can he please stop paying attention to what the regent has to say?

The pre-dawn light bleached Laurent’s hair from gold to something paler and finer; the bones of his face appeared as delicate as the calamus of a feather. (...) he did not need gilt to be recognised under a parade standard (...). damen...

fuck govart

'You should throw him a pet to keep him off the men,’ said Jord. 'No,’ said Laurent, after a moment. He said it thoughtfully. ???? what is he planning now

nicaise :((((

He held out something to Laurent, the gesture peremptory and full of repugnance. ‘I don’t want it. It makes me think of you.' :((((

'I remember the offer you made me. Everything you said then was a lie. I knew it was,’ said Nicaise. ‘You’re leaving.’ ‘I’m coming back,’ said Laurent. ‘Is that what you think?' they make me sad. will nicaise show up in book 2? i really don't want him to be left alone with the regent

The Regent pinned some sort of jewelled badge of office to Laurent’s shoulder, then urged him to rise, and kissed him calmly on both cheeks. ughhhhh can he pls just die

He returned his eyes to the road, and the first part of his journey. South, and home. hmmmm. i hope he kicks kastor's ass.