#but idk now how much more extra do i need | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

senzariscrva · 10 months ago

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Out of all my plants... I gotta say the ones I named after Farscape characters are the most extra 😂

Zhaan is just trying to die on me 24/7.

Aeryn was like "roots? nah let's rot them all off" so I did a big chop and prop and was SO WORRIED because all I've heard about propagating that specific plant is that they're so hard to root and... well, 9/9 cuttings were growing roots and new leaves within a few weeks and now I'm like wellllll these are gonna take over my entire house because they get BIG.

Crichton is a crawling plant who one day just decided he wanted to climb instead.

Talyn's trying to yeet himself out of existence by growing leaves that are getting progressively more and more white and BRO YOU NEED SOME GODDAMN GREEN IN YOUR LEAVES THOSE SOLID WHITE ONES ARE USELESS TO YOU.

And then there's Crais. What to even say about Crais. He was growing in new leaves before the previous new leaf was even unfurled and so the new-new leaves kept just ripping the slightly-less-new leaves apart or just yeeting them right off the stem. Eventually he became like 8 leaves and then a loooooong stretch of stem and one more leaf. So I did a chop and prop. Then he decided to activate two growth points at the same time, and that went okay for a while, then both of those new stems decided to do the "oh look at me, i grow my new leaves so fast that they just OBLITERATE the previous leaf" and then he decided to just....make a leaf that's half pink. Bro is a very green green plant. Just green. Dark green. Not variegated. SOLID GREEN BRO. Just threw out a half pink leaf like SIR WHAT ARE YOU DOING. The new leaves usually start out a kind of red-ish gold-ish colour, then darken to the super dark green as they harden off but NO NOT THIS ONE it just decided to be pink. Sir. Why are you so extra.

#( ooc. )#farscape plant fam is so extraaa #tbh i was gonna name this other plant aeryn after i did the choppy choppy on the original aeryn #but idk now how much more extra do i need #at least Moya chilled out. she's another crawly plant who was trying to climb at one point #actually she might be trying to climb again idk i should check that out #why are jool and d'argo and sikozu and chiana the chill plants THEY SHOULD BE THE LEAST CHILL but no

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autisticlee · 5 months ago

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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.

#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work #if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc #ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk #ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want #and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met #and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do #lee rants #autistic #autism #actually autistic #adhd #neurodivergent #audhd #and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen #words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know #but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way #but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything #IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS #ok im done

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cryolyst · 4 months ago

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#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase #'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that #[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week #and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me #but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it #and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me #i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no #but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like #300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3 #ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good #'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them

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tleeaves · 28 days ago

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Reclining on a fainting couch, hands laced together and resting over my stomach as I stare up at the ceiling. Why the fuck do I so frequently end up caught between being attracted to mean guys (and gals) but also the wife material guys? Duality of man is falling for both all the time, apparently, and never knowing which I actually genuinely like better.

I wrote out a whole theory about why I like mean people before I realised the logic no longer applied to my current circumstances/character and now I'm back at square one. Perhaps the real answer is as lame as: because I like a challenge and the idea that someone treats me Extra Special compared to how they treat others.

At the end of the day, idk.

#reflecting on characters like jin kamurai primarily #cause like. why HIM girl lol #don't get me wrong he also gets on my nerves #I Do Not like getting bossed around (much) (okay well maybe it depends)#I hate waiting on someone's hand and foot 24/7 but actually I don't mind being an errand boy (gender neutrally)#there's a difference trust me #but there needs to be some kind of reward involved #thankless stuff will just have my eye twitching #maybe apply that logic to how I like specific kinds of mean guys #the reward for pursuing them despite on the surface getting no return since they're mean and uninterested #can range from getting a flustered/unusual reaction out of them to actually finding a tiny thing to grasp onto and be delusional about #in the end the reward is hard-earned dopamine #again idk I'm just rambling and thinking aloud #the Extra Special part is pathetically real though #spent a lot of time yearning for a best friend until I found some #and a selfish part of me wants to be special in other ways to someone too #you know???#I think now we're circling back to an element of my og theory I drafted where this is all linked to childhood #how typical #in a more humorous sense there's a way I can apply all this to the way I enjoy videogames but that might be an essay for another day #while we also examine themes of self-inflicted suffering and again challenges

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autumnrory · 4 months ago

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woooo my niece took 5 of my 13 lego sets, one of which was one of the three larger ones, so that's one huge box out of the way and i'm just glad she wanted them because like they ARE twenty years old and they look fine ofc but sometimes kids aren't gonna want stuff that isn't new and shiny ya know, but she did seem to want everything which would've been fine with me but i knew there was no way they would take all that with them, and at least i still have stuff of my own to sell, plus should get at least a cut of my brother's stuff for doing the inventory and putting together that stuff that wasn't already done

#i mentioned the hp sets and how they had been pretty much left together and he was like '....i had harry potter sets?'#which once he saw them he did think they were familiar which was some of my feeling with mine #like oh YEAH i do remember these i just didn't remember having so many #i mean between 13 sets it's really like 3 categories so i would've played with like the whole ice palace and its related sets #i do just wonder how it'll be at the store like everything is pretty much in fine shape #and probably there are people who want older stuff that's rarer and whatever now #BUT then there might be more of a demand for newer stuff at a better price or whatever idk #anyway 6 sets left in the upstairs and then the bionicles and statue of liberty are still in the attic #i'm still not convinced there couldn't be another box somewhere bc idk how to explain the few sets #that are missing so much that i can't actually do them bc even if we had gotten rid of some why would we not include the huge base or w/e #anyway we'll see! but i'm getting closer! and i did a little one this morning #that seemed to be complete it didn't list some of the pieces as extras but based on the instructions i figure they have to be #so i don't really need them like i'll include them if i find them and they're not needed for something else but yeah #anyway i can go back to fic though these first two at least are short so i may be going back to another one tomorrow #can't wait to have my room back though fr like #it is not the only thing making it feel messy because i have newer jewelry and clothes and stuff that i just have to organize and put away #but man the jewelry situation is just. it's not even having so many pieces it's like big earrings that take up a lot of space or whatever #so i just have not wanted to deal with it but it's kinda out of hand #but i can really think about that after this particular project is done #and do puzzles again oh my god i have 3 puzzles waiting for me at least #plus my mom always has a bunch to be done since everyone knows to buy her puzzles lol but that has also gotten out of hand #i wouldn't mind getting rid of a couple of mine though just bc it is like okay you do it but then you just have it and it takes up space #would be cool to have pretty ones framed tho

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coridallasmultipass · 2 months ago

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It took me, ugh, MONTHS (2), to get to cleaning the two shrimp tanks I have... I had IRL issues going on that would have made it extremely difficult to do a water change especially while injured, and I just had to keep putting it off. It's just shrimp, so it wasn't like, the worst situation, especially since I have established plants and the tanks are a couple years old. There was just a lot of algae build-up on the glass, and, well... Let me just say it was not contributing to my mental health and well-being while the tanks were in that state.

I tested the water before I started cleaning and the parameters were fine (like, I could have left the tanks even longer if I would be okay with selling my soul to the Algae Collective), and the plants and shrimp look fine, too (I mean, I've obviously been keeping an eye on the tanks bc I sit right next to them). Actually, I'd wager to say that the plants are looking really great (the lilies haven't died off [yet? This is the longest period of time I've seen them stay... foliage... fol... foliated? Idk.] and the cryptocoryne in the 10gal is fucking huge and needs to be rearranged, just not right now). That fucking algae was a motherfucker to get off the 10gal (it's a plastic tank and I think that makes the algae grip harder than the glass 5gal).

[Also, fyi, depending on the tank's needs and stability, recommended water changes are a small one every week or every other week. My parameters don't seem to do anything dramatic, so I usually aim for a 20-30% water change every third week (just depends on how much vacuuming needs to be done and how cooperative the shrimp are with moving aside). So 2 months is still a lot. I still did the normal 30% ish amount, since doing more will risk the shrimp's well-being if there's a sudden change in everything, and my water parameters indicated a change was unnecessary - but I don't test for more than the minimum freshwater tests, so there could be a buildup of some mineral I'm not testing for, which is why the change IS actually necessary regardless of what my test kit says - because these tanks were evaporating a lot in summer, it condenses the minerals added with each water addition, even tho I usually top up with R.O. water.]

My back is fucking killing me lol. It has been killing me since spring when it 'went out' for the first time, and I'm not getting any relief, it sucks. But this had to be done.

The 5gal is looking pretty cloudy still, since the filter was super gunked up and I accidentally spilled gunk back in, so I may need to retest the 5gal parameters tomorrow just to make sure I don't have to do another water change, but it'll probably be fine, right? Shrimp love mulm and detritus. I did give both tanks a big ole algae tab for their trouble, tho. (I need a fuckening dish for the big tank. I really wanna clean off that white quartz rock again, but being white means it's an algae magnet, and it's just gonna go green again after a month or two.)

Anyway, shrimp tax:

I lov thees widdle oange bebies.

Wish I could take better pictures rn, but I am. Like. Dying. My recommendation: never live in an A-frame style room if you have the option. The wall above my tanks is slanted, and NOT fun for my back to bend underneath the wall for maintenance. (My only flat wall in the room is for my TV/PC.) Also, treat your back nicely, in general. I unfortunately have not had the option to treat my back nicely since spring (fall now), because 'when it rains it pours,' and heavy shit that needs to be moved will not move itself. Once I get a few more things in my room in order, I will hopefully be done with the IRL chaos, bc I have Halloween socks to knit, and I'm not putting that off for another year. (I'm still mad that I couldn't make the ones I planned last year. And I found more Halloween yarn I forgot I bought, so I'm gonna try to make multiple socks.) And I just really need to fucking chill and knit and stop having panic attacks and meltdowns.

#me earlier today: oh i should bleach my hair since i havent been able to shower for 2 days it wont damage it as much #me now: i dont know if i can even stand long enough to shower after this #anyway im gonna try to eat something and then shower and pass tf out.#maybe i shouldve taken a before picture to show how much i did...#...but i do Not want to remember 'that one time i didnt do a water change for 2 months' the algae was gross lol i couldnt even get it all #but honestly idc ab the back wall having algae as long as the front and most of the sides are clear #seriously the algae was textured like sandpaper tho. does algae do pearling? if it does then its calcium buildup too #edit while typing bc i looked it up. yes algae pearls. so the bubbles it was making were drying enough to cause calcium deposits #oH also lmao i found the tiniest pinch of hornwort left in the 10gal. idk why the hornwort doesnt like that tank but its hilarious that...#...that one little fingernail sized piece is still alive floating in there. i stuck it next to the lily but the shrimp will prob dislodge it #the hornwort in the 5gal is just freefloating i cant get that shit to stick #the shrimp love that stuff and they look like little birds in a pine tree #im in so much pain im procrastinating food lmao 'order pizza' crossed my mind but my jaw wont let me eat pizza so fml #anyway. just wanted to show an accomplishment even if its not a praise worthy one since i didnt go the extra 10 miles to water change sooner #awwww tho i love seeing them glide around the tank and now i can see them clearly its so chill #shrimp #aquariums #crustaceans #bugs #Cori.exe #Post.exe #Image.exe #also my therapist started cracking up this morning when i said like 'i can finally rest now tht i dont have a Saw trap bathroom to navigate'#seriously tho it was bad and then another issue in the bathroom came up 2 days ago but theyre both fixed now. my br is normal now.#im not normal tho (normal for myself i mean) and unfortunately thats not gonna be an easy fix but im trying #man can i ever make a post where i dont type a million words lmao. inability to focus and then i start typing more stuff #oh ab the hair bleach man my roots are so dark i just trimmed off the last of the bleach from last time so i got 2tone hair rn #idk when ill get to that. dependsnon my back. i already wasnt in a great state of being when i did the aquariums but i needed to clean them #ok i rly need to try n make food and shower before i start growing algae on myself

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st4rstudent · 10 months ago

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I think every social media website should have an effective tagging system, just my thoughts

#clemramble #i want to post some more of my art on twt but i also want to tag it effectively but idk how the tagging system works on there #since hashtags seem to do very little on there #if theres one thing tumblr has done right its the tagging system . this is awesome i love putting things in tags like its me whispering #directly into your ear extra info that you really didnt need to know #and also the ability to mute hashtags is awesome. even if it doesnt completely hide it #twt is so weird in its hidden words. i have so much stuff blocked on there but the moment it gets popular the system just #doesnt work and im stuck seeing it all again. very annoying.#anyways yeah this is also a call if any one knows how the muting system on twt works and how i should best tag my stuff.please share #your wisdom. if you dont mind. i asked on twt but my regular posts kind of flop if its not art. not that i mind but the point remains #..i had thought about making another account just dedicated to like ship stuff on twt bc i have enough stuff to do that but #would it be unnecessary? idk . ignore this part sorry im rambling outloud to myself virtually through tags #i might just end up not posting it there. its like a little tumblr exclusive #im not even scared anymore ive bossed up. twt just makes me feel awkward now. its like when you enter a giant classroom and theres no empty #seats so youre forced to go up and down the isles trying to find a spot that open

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dutybcrne · 2 months ago

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Imagine if Khaenri'ahn tears could solidify into crystals,,,

#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//y'know like the folklore that mermaid tears turn into like #//Sea glass or smth #//Imagine if for Khaenri'ahns it was like #//Quartz or diamond #//Or even depending on the dynasty; smth like rubies or sapphires #//Idk; thinkings thinkings #//Now I have images of bby!Kae just like #//Learning how to cry on command bc he and his father could use the gems to get food and shelter to survive #//Him carrying that habit and making himself cry so he could offer them to Crepus so he would let him stay #//Confusing the poor man and Kae himself getting scared when the man refuses; even going as far as to reveal the trick to it when Crepus #keeps refusing to take the gems and demands to know where they are from (thinking he needs to return them); so Kae gets stressed enough to #cry and SHOW him where he got those gems from; whether he wanted to or not #//Crepus immediately reassuring him he never has to 'pay' for his place in the family; to NEVER tell anyone about this; for his own safety #//Luc only ever first finding out Kae is capable of this the day of their Confrontation #//When amidst ice and rain; gemstones scatter around Kae as he screams and curses the gods for giving him a Vision #//Kae using the gemstones as a little incentive for his contacts; brushing the sudden presence of gems as if it's all a magic trick #//Or in such cases if he was captured and already got shaken down for anything he could use #//Maybe revealing himself as the source of the gems to buy himself time; resolving to kill every last one to keep that secret one he's free #//Or just tearing up a little out of sight so he could bribe the guards into approaching him before strangling them with his bonds or smth #//Or nabbing them with his Abyssal abilities #//I do like this v much #//Now what would that say abt someone like Albedo?#//Would his tears be like. Amber or topzes? Or maybe by contrast; as an artifical being; he cries liquid gold?#//Cannot cry at ALL #//More thinkings to ponder...#//Okay; adding an extra tidbit: Kae would ABSOLUTELY make a ring to propose to someone with his own tears as the stone

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orcelito · 3 months ago

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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !

#speculation nation #negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february #actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when #so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh #i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it #and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it #and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found #but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots #which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies

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girlthativealwaysbeen · 3 months ago

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okay ventpost time im bored and my period is late

#my mother is leaving AGAIN #to stay with my father #bhai mujhe nahi rehna akele i don't want to parent my brother #i don't want to cook or stress about what to eat and clothes and laundry and literally buying vegetables every few days #well all these things are just surface level but i REALLYYYYY do not want to live alone with my thoughts #i want to study i can't just study on my phone with no adult mere sarr pe khade hoke asking ki itna tv #kyu dekh rahi hai kya hua class kyu nahi attend kari #kar liya try bhai call me immature and childish and pathetic and dependent and undisciplined whatever but mere bas ki baat nahi hai #also ooooh listen to my moms great solution: she'll stay there and dad will come!! to live with us two!! alone!! haha.#it's sk fucking sad and repetitively traumatizing ki i don't even know how to react #my sister is the only kid both my parents like when she stays home things are mostly calm and happy #they dote on her they tolerate us #and they should i love her too but now i feel like crying because i don't want her to stay back just for me??? my stupid mental health??#she's doing enough by staying here till rakhi just because i asked her begged her to not leave me alone mami ke side #she could've fucked off and gone to live her life 10 days ago #it's not fair #the person i love and want to live with.. if she stays she's miserable and her being miserable mskes me miserable #i just. i miss her so much. she already feels so distant and busy and then she'll go abroad and totally forget about me right #who doesn't need all this constant depression holding you back weighing you down when you're living your best life #i hate that there's no solution i just have to grow up and be okay with it #i already got more time with her than i thought she stayed home like 2 years extra cause of covid #3 actually #ab why am i crying it was a good day #also i don't want to make it all about me but like. idk when i was picturing my adult life i was thinking like #night clubs and gay bars and beaches at night #i never factored in real factors like the horrifying fucking country we live in 💀💀#it's just it was the only thing that kept me going the promise of a better future #but now what.#and like #it's feels so stupid now the fact that i sometimes want to like

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supercantaloupe · 1 year ago

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apparently i'm already halfway done my musicology degree??

#i wanna talk about me #between the course i did in undergrad and the frankly ridiculous number of courses i'm taking this semester #apparently i'm over halfway done already #i know the musicology portion is a smaller load than the library science portion but like #man it was weird walking into my advisor's office and him looking me in the eye and saying like 'oh you're almost done'#three courses is all i have left for a master's. Man #well i'm gonna spread those out over the next year and a half...and probably pick up an extra elective here or there while i can #cause idk man i like studying music history...even if i don't Have to i like taking the classes and learning #(esp if it's gonna be paid for by my fellowship as long as i'm still here)#well i need to figure out. how the hell to get in touch with a library science advisor now.#i emailed yesterday and haven't heard back #but i don't know what i'm doing for that degree going forward rn #other than. i guess taking 552. but i KNOW there's other specialty and elective courses i'll need to take too #and i want to take stock of what shit i'll have to take in summers too cause i know some of the courses are only offered in summer #(need to find out if any of my fellowship scholarship can go towards summer courses. i'm guessing not...)#weird. it's weird. i don't know what i'm doing here #anyway #meeting with my advisor went okay i at least know what i'm doing now re: the music stuff #didn't cry which is good but man i hate how my voice started to break more and more the longer i was in there #and when i talked about how i put too much on my plate this semester and am struggling to keep up with all the work #and he asked me if i've been reaching out to anyone for support. or if i had people to reach out to #and i just had to sit there like. uh #define. support?#i have a couple friends at least that i chat with about stuff like that sometimes but not always cause i don't want to bother them too much #but like. it's not like i can ask someone else to write a research paper For me #or it's not like i can control when my coworkers get sick and i have to cover their time in the office #and this didn't come up at all (and i'm glad for it) but jeez it's not like i can control global political conflicts!!#it's hard for me to focus on getting enough work done in small chunks of time in the best of times #let alone when my fucking hamster brain is on high alert for getting hate crimed in public if my necklace is too visible or something #idk. it's a lot man. i bit off more than i could chew this semester even before the world fell apart

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saturno-sol · 6 months ago

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Yknow maybe it’s not a good thing to have kids with a ten year+ difference between them.

#vent #just. a lot of realizing stuff that has been gnawing at my brain for a while #for those who dont know all kf my siblings are like over 19 years older than i am #which at face value isn’t inherently the issue #but it starts digging in that out of all of my sisters #im the odd one out #because im the youngest #and it always felt like they were less my sisters and more extra parents #treating me more like one of their own children than their sister #and at first it didn’t bother me/i didn’t care enough to be bothered #but now its just #im 21. i wanna be apart of the in group #i wanna get to relate to my sisters because now im an adult and im on their level #but im still not #im still just this weird awkward little girl #and its frustrating #knowing that they dont take me seriously #that im not #idk sister enough because i was born much later than they were #and my dad being always irritated by the fact that he has to come pick me up from college #and how he never acts this way if we go visit the girls (same amount of travel time)#doesnt help the alienating feeling at all lmao #i think the straw that broke me was the fact that they all have a groupchat #my dad and my three sisters #but never was I included or even asked about it #idk. maybe im thinking too hard about this but its just like #i want to belong. what do i need to do to belong.#what is wrong with me that I can’t be seen as an equal as their sister too #its #hard

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letbuckfuck · 6 months ago

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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much #it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with #i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown #friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any #close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it #would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely #i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with #other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes #it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know #like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk #to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that #i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that #it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have #more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i #don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so #they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine #wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine #and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom #which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn #anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed #i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight #shut up hanna

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holytrickster · 1 year ago

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listen i dont like fëanor but i can't deny that getting so mad you literally burst into flames and crumble away into ash is kinda fucking relatable

#i was about to go “do i have to tag this for spoilers” in my own head as though the silm isnt literally older than me #tbf not as many people read it as lotr or the hobbit but still. come on brain wtf #esp since someone would have to be really weird to come on my blog specifically to complain about spoilers lmao #i do think its funny I've only now gotten around to readinf it but its taking me so long to make myself listen to it that i keep forgetting #things especially in the really long chapters #to the extent now i find myself going “oh maybe i need to write down names because of course everyone has to start with an f”. i was doing #okay and then i went a really long time without reading so now im like wait wait go back #which sucks because i usually dont have trouble getting through long books. admittedly i listen more than read lately #but still. i think it took me maybe a week to get through priory the first time? like i dont think its that im not interested i just havent #had a lot of energy to expend or to get really into things? idk i keep forgetting from finals up till now has been extra bad in terms of..#..pain. chronic migraines gonna migraine ig. i bitch about it like i havent lived this way for years n years. but they were never as bad..#..until i started college and now theyve been worse than ever. i hate thinking about how much time i always lose. how much time ill always #be losing. sorry how the fuck did this turn into a tangent.

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prettyboysmlm · 1 year ago

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god i fucking hate my job

#we have two apps for payroll #one for viewing how much u got paid on a payday and one for calling days off #they updated the app for calling days off #and now every single fucking employee has to contact payroll in order to get access again #but the thing is #they don’t tell us what we need to have #we have to have extra shit from our managers #AND we only have thirty minutes to do all of this shit #why the fuck can’t there just be one app istg i’m gonna murder whoever came up with this idea #i have to do this today before my manager makes the next schedule #bc i’m leaving the state for two weeks so i won’t be able to work #and i have a shit ton more stuff that i’m doing in july as well #idk. i’m on the verge of a breakdown and this is the final fucking straw #i hate this company so much they are such bullshit #but i can’t quit bc my mom won’t let me unless i have another job set up #god i swear with all the shit happening to me rn i’m gonna kms #k.txt #vent tw

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shidoukanae · 5 months ago

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I would like to make an addendum to this piece with the new chapter out and say that I was wrong about Phillip, he's great, 10/10 he went from being a giant red flag of a character to being genuinely relatable and man do i feel bad about side-eyeing him for that line he said last chapter

Also this chapter finally wrapped up another plot thread I was waiting for it to return to and waaaaaah seeing someone else's POV on Helene is so nice (and we finally got another flashback of OG Helene for like,, the first time in literally forever). Helene being called out as a lonely person who hides her kind feelings behind a cold expression...man suddenly my fondness for Helene is increasing thousandfold

Like literally how the fuck does this manga keep making Helene better and better there's literally nothing disappointing about her character and im STILL shook about it

#The Mighty Extra #no fully colored art today gotta process my feelings over the Helene bits in today's chapter LMAO #Helene continuously getting the best treatment in this story utterly shocks me as someone who is too used to seeing female characters in-#shounen-esque ending up as wasted potential fgkjggfkj #Helene is literally so perfect as a character i love her i love her i love her I LOVE HER I LOVE-#i don't draw Helene enough to show it outwardly but rest assured she occupies 99% of my current brain capacity 24/7 #also the way I went from going “oh god why are you like this” to Phillip to “ohhh OHHHH okay no i get it you're very baby” is very funny #that last line makes complete sense for Phillip and it's so cool to see him show off a lot of character development in one go #for a character who is relatively minor i love how the creator made him really understandable and sympathetic like damn #i don't usually care for second lead male LIs but Phillip is surprisingly a strong and endearing character #so much so i think he's now going to forever be embedded in my mind as what a well written character looks like #me before 77: ehhh im not sure if im as excited for this chapter as the next few bc it's probs just gonna end up as #Phillip just being an ass and Fian being jealous about him #this fucking manga every goddamn time i doubt it: hey so want to learn more about Helene and see Phillip get massive character development-#that shows how mature he's gotten but also go back to several plot threads and mysteries and showcase how Lyla is severely in danger and th #war that Fian is starting is something that legitimately needs to happen to keep her safe and also here's a OG Helene flashback that-#you totally haven't been craving for promising to return to why Lyla shipped Helene/Fian in the first place and why she feels guilty about-#taking Fian from Helene (and also suggests Helene deeply loved Fian in the OG timeline which is one big awwwwWWWW and now it kind of-#sucks that Lyla DID rip Fian away from Helene but hey at least Helene has Paris now instead (oh the irony))#fun fact i actually kind of do ship Fian/Helene #at least the OG versions of them #idk seeing how attached Fian is to Lyla and imagining him doing the same to OG Helene is really fucking cute #i am SO FUCKING DESPERATE for the original story behind TME's plot to exist you have no fucking idea #and 78 looks promising as to revealing how OG Helene (/Lyla) reacted to OG Fian's death so like #im begging for next week's chapter already i NEED to get a continuation to that death scene #(also calling it now but if Lyla's real name is actually Helene im going to fucking scream)#(for more reasons than one oh my god)

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