#but i've just accepted they're gone for good rip

[youareinlovees]

hi diff anon to the anon who originally asked about the taylorswift-fanfiction fanfics, but I tried to dm you and couldn’t? maybe I’m just technologically inept 😅

Nvm I'm just gonna post the ones I have here 😭 it's important to preserve historical artifacts <3

Fireworks

Oh, a simple complication

Remember when

Once upon a story

Anticipation

Love you, for you

New York State of Mind

The Valentine Jar

The Other Side of the Ocean

The One With....

[tacticaldiary]

A Fighting Chance

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

"When was the last time you kissed me and meant it?" Her voice drops into something akin to defeat.

And Simon...Simon feels like the rug's been pulled from under his feet.

Part 2, Masterlist,

"What're those?"

"Papers."

Ghost pauses halfway through opening the document, glancing up at the curtness of her voice. "Papers? She doesn't meet his eyes, gaze fixed on the table of the little booth they're sitting in.

The ice in her drink is long gone, watering down her coffee into something that tastes as bitter as her heart.

It had taken months for her to finally make this decision. Days of talking with her lawyer, crying alone at night and coming to the gruelling acceptance that this was for the best. It was best for both of them.

There's not many things that unsettle Simon. He's had blood stain his hands; his own, his comrades, and his enemies. Had almost any injury you could think of marring his skin, been prodded and ripped into, been the one on the opposite end of the knife.

But as he slides out the documents, turns them over, Simon's never felt more apprehensive.

He stills, reading the first few lines, clenching his jaw. "What is this?"

"I want a divorce."

And something in him crumbles at her defeated tone. Like she's already decided. Like he doesn't even have a chance to ask why or talk it through.

"No." He says tightly, putting them down and crossing his arms.

Her gaze shoots to his. "You can't just say that."

"I did. I won't sign them."

"I want this." She argues, and Simon swallows back the lump in his throat at how utterly tired she looks.

"I don't."

She's the light of his life, the one good, untouched piece of joy he gets to see. Something other than the bloodshed and violence he lives in.

"Simon," She says, shoulders sagging forward. "I can't do this anymore."

"This isn't the solution, love." He feels like his skin is crawling, the beginnings of unfamiliar panic clawing at his chest when she doesn't react to the pet name.

Doesn't smile, doesn't flush that beautiful red, doesn't squirm.

When she doesn't respond again, tight-lipped and clammed up and so determined to not look at him, he asks the question burning a hole through his tongue.

"Why?"

Deep down he knows. Knew this was coming but that part of him is buried under the thudding of his heart, and the rush of blood in his ears. Everything feels deathly still and moving too fast at the same time.

"Why?" She repeats, something in her stirring at the question. Her brow furrows and she switches from a cautious indifference to disbelief and frustration quicker than Simon can process. "Are you serious?" She huffs out an incredulous laugh. "You're away for months at a time and I'm supposed to what? Wait for you at our doorstep and wag my tail all happy when you finally come back to me?" Her grip tightens on her drink.

"Even when you are home, it's never about us. Never about me and you. You lock yourself in your study with your work, don't talk to me unless you come out for dinner or lunch. When was the last time we went out?" She demands. "When was the last time we went on a date? The last time we slept at the same time in the same bed?"

Simon clenches his jaw but says nothing, at a loss for words. It only encourages her to keep going, spewing thoughts that have been boiling over for the past few years.

"You barely look at me when we're home, I had to drag you out of the house to get here! You left halfway through our anniversary dinner last year because work called you in. Sometimes...sometimes I feel like you're only with me because it's easier than leaving and starting over, and that fucking hurts. It hurts when you can't bear to spend five minutes with me away from work. I've been telling you this for ages but you just...you don't listen to me." She leans forward, drink completely forgotten and hits the final nail in the coffin.

"When was the last time you kissed me and meant it?" Her voice drops into something akin to defeat.

And Simon...Simon feels like the rug's been pulled from under his feet.

"I never even know if you're coming home to me." Her voice cracks, and she hugs her middle, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "So yes, Simon, I want to separate. I'm not happy, not like I was when I met you." A sheen of tears she refuses to let fall.

"You can focus on work like you love to, and I can...I can move on."

It was so good when they started out. She found him endearing, dry humour and brooding and all. It was special, those first few years, and she'll always care about him but this...this waiting, this hurting, laying in bed at night alone and cold and crying...it wasn't right. It wasn't what she wanted and she wouldn't force Simon to want it when he clearly didn't want to.

"Fucking hell, I love you." Simon says quickly, stumbling over what to say. He reaches out for her hand on the table, but she pulls it away before he can grab it. It stings more than he can convey, makes the reality crashes down onto him.

He's about to lose her.

Because he couldn't fucking bear to pull himself out of being 'Ghost'.

It was always a rough couple of weeks during his leave. The adjustment to civilian life was a slow one for him, but that's not really an excuse at all.

"I don't think you do."

Simon blinks at her like she's slapped him. "You...you don't think so?" He repeats, running a hand through his hair. She nods, one nod, quick and so sure that it makes his chest ache.

Fuck. He's absolutely messed up.

"Everything's finalised on my end." She says. "You just need to sign them." Her voice is soft, almost like she's coaxing him.

If there's one thing he knows, it's that he's not touching those fucking papers. He's not losing someone he loves again.

"I'll take time off." He says, the intensity of his gaze makes a shiver run down her spine. "We can work through it, yeah? You can't spring this on me and not give me a chance to protest."

She shakes her head, "You're only taking time off because I'm upset." She tries to explain. "What do you think is going to happen? We spend a month together doing what we used to, and when everything's a little more stable you leave again. Distance yourself. Shut me out. Then we're back to square one."

"Won't happen." He says like he hasn't been doing it for the past few years already. "You...I can't lose you, darling." He leans forward. "Let me make it better. Give me a few months-"

"Simon-"

"A week."

"A week?" Her eyes widen. "A week to...what, prove that you'll change?"

"One week."

She worries her lip between her teeth, considering. One week wasn't a long time, but hope was dangerous in a situation like this.

"I'm not letting you go over something like this." Simon says. "I can't."

"This isn't about you." She crosses her arms. "You really think you can turn just...reverse the past few years in a week?" Maybe it's foolish of her to want him to say yes, to fight for her and realise that she's been hurting, but goddamn doesn't a small part of her scream at him to do it anyway.

"Not trying to reverse it." He folds his arms, and she can see the tense line of his shoulders as he takes in the situation, gears turning in his head as he plans how he's going to work his way out of a situation so precious and daunting as this.

Part of him didn't think it would ever come to this. Yes, he can be cold and aloof but Simon thought she knew that he loved her through it all. No matter what.

When was the last time you kissed me and meant it?

Fuck if that doesn't tear through his chest more painfully than any caliber bullet ever could.

He takes her in quietly for a moment.

The woman he fell in love with. The person that gave him a reason to keep going, a motive to feel anything other than the cold efficientness of loading a gun and firing. Soft touches and warm smiles, something so at odds with the rough life he's used to.

Sitting there in front of him, she looks more beautiful than he remembers, and it only proves to make his stomach sink like a stone at the notion of seeding any doubt about his feelings in her heart.

A right fucking bastard he was for it.

"I'm sorry." He breathes out, much softer than the gruff voice he's been using with her. "I'll do better. Just give me a chance, yeah?"

For one horrible moment, Simon thinks she'll decline. That she'll slide over the papers again and demand he sign them.

But she considers his words for a moment before nodding once.

And it's all he needs.

A fighting chance.

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Part 2

(11/10/2023)

[perpetual-fandom-brainrot]

Some CoD Hybrid Reader Drabbles

Hybrid reader stuff, if it's not your taste I recommend clicking off and finding something better to read (*cough cough* Temporary Relocation *cough cough*)

TW: Descriptions of violence and gore

Other than that mostly just fluff

I've gone down a rabbit hole (two kinds) and I can't help but think about some concepts I want to see interacting with this trope like...

If reader was a bunny hybrid, separated from their fluffle so just aimlessly wandering around. Used to having other bunny hybrids around to help with grooming/cleaning so you don't entirely know how to do that, either, at least not effectively. I imagine you wouldn't be found by the 141 while they're on duty, but rather one of them (or their family members) would find you while on leave. They'd take you in and take care of you, and start noticing just how good of a fight or flight system you have. Maybe with some good training, you'd make a good soldier...

If reader was a dog/wolf hybrid, kidnapped owned by some of the not necessarily best people in the world since only being a pup. In fact, these people end up being wrapped up in activities that the 141 ends up sticking their noses- and barrels- into. As they're stalking around the building where you're kept, making sure all of the targets are taken care of, they train their guns on you for a moment. It's when you back up quietly, whimpering with a raw and dehydrated throat, that they realize you aren't a threat. They unlock your prison kennel and tell you to move it before you're definitely a liability (whoever dictates this choice gets mega whooping from their higher-ups later). When they run into you again on the way out, finishing ripping out the esophagus of another target who would've otherwise interfered with exfil, that you're offered a position as a soldier. And you accept.

If reader was a cat hybrid who spent their time wandering streets, taking bites of abandoned food and finishing drinks long forgotten in order to survive, only for that very town to be the one Ghost and Soap arrive in while fleeing from Graves. You're crouched behind a dumpster when Graves is rounding up the cops, and even though you're bringing claws to a gunfight you can't stand to see him acting as judge, jury, and executioner. You find a Shadow nearby, not expecting anyone in their previous path to still be alive, and silently get their weapons off of them. You wait for your moment, using your intricate knowledge of the alleyways and buildings and rooftops to stay undetected, taking out the Shadows around Graves. You take an angle at Graves himself, jumping from a rooftop and landing on his shoulders, pulling his hair until he's stumbling backwards and you both fall into the fountain. You grab a beer bottle off of it and bash it directly over his head, making sure it shatters and knocks him unconscious. You scurry off, disappearing into the night before Soap has a chance to get down and speak to you, or even process what he just watched.

[justatalkingface]

Everything Changed When The War Arc Attacked:

Or, why do I hate the War Arc so fucking much?

At this point, eh, why not? Writing every day is supposed to be good for improving as a writer.

ECWTWAA is a simple, quippy line that holds all of my festering loathing for watching MHA gleefully hurl itself off a cliff once the War Arc happened, and, much like someone jumping off a cliff like an utter moron (or the Air Nomads after the Fire Nation attacked), it has never truly recovered.

*sigh*

In retrospect, MHA had been going downhill for a long time before that point, and a lot of it was something I noticed unconsciously, but didn't quite rise to me really paying conscious attention to it, beyond a few notable points (*cough*, Bakugou, *cough* FuCkiNg NIGHTEYE), but as my brain was somewhat in the off position as I read, I was still enjoying the ride, even as it bumped; the enjoyment was as much, if not more, that I used to enjoy it more than the actual content, but there was enjoyment.

If MHA before The War Arc was a somewhat imperfect roller coaster ride, the only way I can describe the War Arc is if the roller coaster ride abruptly ended in the side of a cliff, only somehow dragged out for months of slow paced agony. I watched, in vaguely real time, as Hori systematically trashed the last foundations of his story, the swan song of one of the best, most interesting characters in the series, toss aside the sudden yet exciting development of it's main villain, and escalate to a higher gear than ever before the constant work to protect some of the most vile characters, including said mass murdering villain, from even the slightest criticism by sacrificing everyone around them, as well as the very integrity of the story, to the alter of, 'They're not that bad, honest! Don't hurt their little feelings, you bully!'

And, I watched him finally finish the lobotomy on his main character, permanently ripping away what remained of his original personality and intelligence, leaving an empty puppet, a Deku, with the singular purpose of driving the story faster, and faster, and faster towards that thing that Hori seems to crave above everything else now: The End.

Freedom, freedom from the strangling chains of a merciless Jump schedule, of a plot long grown too complex for him to manage, or for him to even want to try, and from the burden of writing characters and stories he so clearly seems to despise, for some reason. And if they only way he feels he can get it is by burning everything he's done down to the ground, well, Hori's clearly more than willing.

In all honesty it became obvious that, in all of MHA, he only actually liked six things: Endeavour, Bakugou, body horror, dramatic, flashy fight scenes with flashy super powers, attractive women in minimal clothing and vaguely fetish-y torture scenes on attractive women in minimal clothing.

These things, from that point on, are the only things he has spent real, actual time on, developing, giving focus to. Everything else, everything else, is rushed, pushed constantly forward by Deku, the puppet, as he runs from plot point to plot point as fast as he can, never allowed a moment to rest, to reflect, to really think at all, all in the name of progression as empty as he has become.

In all honesty, it was a needed, if unwanted, shock to help me realize the truth, but at what cost? At what cost is this clarity? The joy is gone now; once I dropped my unconscious acceptance of the narrative, everything I had been ignoring came to me a rush of horrified realization, even the most mild of flaws became glaring, and now reading the early chapters that got me into this story in the first place is just... hollow now, like I'm watching my old self enjoy them, rather than enjoying them myself, and I can't help but be both jealous and vaguely contemptuous at the innocent pleasure that person had.

I'll admit, I'm being more dramatic than I'd like to be, but... I've said this before, I'd been reading MHA for years before this point. Years of enjoyment, interest, and focus, and it's all ash to me now. I'm somewhat bitter about it.

[marenwithanm]

Finally finished wind waker! Good Game 👍👍👍 I already watched some of the ending cutscenes (because I've been doing linkverse stuff and I need to know how all the games I'm using work lol) but they definitely work best when put together in one cohesive sequence. I didn't actually love either of the Ganon fights, but maybe that's because I was a bit worried about the fact it was quickly becoming 1 am 🤣

In other news, I can see why people like this Ganondorf. I should mention that I am in no way swayed by his little speech, especially with how he treated hyrule and his own people in ocarina of time, but I can sympathize, a bit. And I can see his thought process and how he got here. Basically, while I still do hate him, he's an actually well written villain! I can see how he's justifying his actions as if they're in the greater good instead of just the desperate actions of a man clinging to the power he once had. It's also really cool how he mirrors the king. They both take some pretty dubious actions towards fulfilling their goal, but in the end the king is able to accept the past is gone and stop dragging the children into it with him, while Ganondorf clings to it til the bitter end. And finally, Link and Tetra can stop fighting the battles of people long dead, and move to their futures. I appreciated the theme a lot! And man it felt good to finally see Aryll again! I missed her 🥺🥺🥺 in other notes, rip links poor little face, Ganondorf does not pull his punches

[razrogue]

I was thinking about the first time post game that Gan writes Astarion a "love letter"

And how he's a super dick about it at first "why would I want something so trivial? It's beneath me." Turning his nose up at it, he's offended by something so low class being given to him.

Gan gives it to him anyway and tells him "do whatever you want. burn it, rip it up, keep it. I don't care." They go on about their business. They still write them. He still turns his nose up.

They test his ass and stop after the fourth one. He'd gotten one a month (before Gan started traveling when they switch to weekly if they'll be gone long).

He notices when he doesn't get the 5th one but is too arrogant to say anything.

When the 6th doesn't arrive, he's a dick about it.

"What happened to your little missives? Finally realized they were worthless drivel..."

Gan doesn't take the bait though.

Gan just tells him "well you said it was beneath you and I don't want to offend the Lord of the house."

And they leave it at that.

He sees them in the garden one day seven months later and he still hasn't gotten a letter from them. Gan still writes them but doesn't give them to him cause he's being an inconsiderate and hurtful brat.

They're outside writing Minthara one though. Minthara cherishes the fuck out of hers 😆😆😆

He joins them on the bench and looks over their shoulder and sees them writing one. He comments that they shouldn't bother wasting the parchment and ink and that he won't accept it.

Gan only remarks that's fine because it's not for you 🤷🏾‍♀️

He doesn't like their response and snatches it from them in a fit. And Gan just calmly puts the quill down and stares at him.

He pouts that no one should find these letters sweet or charming. How it's just fancy words that aren't worth anything. And Gan stands up and remarks "you seem really angry about something that is beneath you."

And they grab their quill and papers and head back inside. He reads what they were writing to Minthara and it pisses him off a lot. He rips it up, yells at one of the staff to clean up the mess, and goes inside to read his cause the asshole never opened his letters.

So he finally reads what they say. Gan usually just writes a very small poem or something they love about them or expresses gratitude for their presence...occasionally something erotic (the one they were writing for Minthara at that time was erotic LMAO)

But the first one they wrote was reassuring him that they were in this together for however long they could be (they were not a vampire at the time).

The second one was a reminder about the day they told him about his pet name and how that was a huge step for them to share that with him.

The third one was a poem they'd seen in a book that reminded them of him.

The fourth one that they gave him simply said "for all the things I've done in this life, committing to you was one of the best."

And he feels like such a dumbass but he doesn't want to admit it. Too proud, too arrogant, too much of a jerk.

So he takes all of them and carefully places them into a blank leather bound book (I'm imagining a photo album type book equivalent) and he puts a ward on it and stores it away.

Finally approaches Gan later that evening. He doesn't want to apologize but he does want to tell them that maybe getting the letters isn't so terrible (he also really liked what they were writing to Minthara and he's slightly jealous because of course he is that he hasn't gotten an erotic one 🙄)

So he decides to curl up with them on a couch/bench/whatever piece of furniture and they enjoy each other's company for a while. He hesitates for a good part of the evening to even address his rude fucking behavior earlier that day.

But then Gan is like "alright I need to go rewrite something because you were an asshole and ruined something of mine."

And he grabs their wrist as they're walking away from where he remained seated. And he actually apologizes. Like actually says the words and not his typical "address it but not appropriately or adequately" kind of way.

In a moment of honesty, he just apologizes for destroying the parchment. He doesn't say he was wrong though 🙄

But he apologizes for behaving like that. Gan just says okay and leaves the room. He's miffed he wasn't forgiven but doesn't complain.

When they are in bed later that night, he quietly mentions that he'd like to start getting them again (and actually apologizes for his behavior a second time!).

Gan doesn't acknowledge him right then, they just go into trance.

When he wakes up the next day, Gan is gone already doing their evil overlord shit.

But he notices two sealed letters on the nightstand from the 5th and 6th months and he smiles a little to himself.

Just "hmmm they still wrote them anyway" and he's relieved on the inside that they did.

The 5th month's letter was his erotic one 😂

[kidrunaway]

I don't understand how people think Markus wouldn't develop some sort of ptsd or atleast a few symptoms of it after the war happened. I hate it when people say he lived a good life in a mansion when he did NOT have a good life at all. He just had a "good owner." (I have a google document of me and @hamartia-grander talking about how Markus had suffered with Carl)

People overlook Markus' story way too much and make such stupid assumptions that make me want to rip my eyes out. But I won't be talking about this for now. I want to talk about how much of an emotional character Markus is, and how he would be like after war and how it could have potential fanfic writing.

Markus has gone through nothing but hell. We all know this. His story includes some lingering loneliness to it because it seems that everything he touches turns into poison or is dead. He clearly carries the guilt of his people/friends dying. The second after he deviates, it doesn't matter what choice you pick, he still ends up carrying the guilt of hurting someone. Having to be responsible of God knows how many people can be exhausting, and the rooftop scene with North clarifies how absolutely lost and helpless he feels. He was quick to accept Norths' love during that scene. it's unsurprising that he got with the first person to give him any kind of romantic attention because he's lost almost every positive relationship he's made (I'm not a norkus shipper and won't be one, I just want to give insight to people of how much he's hurting and how it's having an effect on himself.)

People still have the audacity to say he didn't suffer enough to justify being Jerichos leader. After he first was traumatized the second he hurt leo/Carl, had to go through the junkyard and was pretty much hyperventilating during that scene (Just a lovely reminder that his diagnostics program wasn’t working either so he knew it was bad but didn’t know what‘s wrong or how long he had left), and he kept getting more and more traumatized throughout his story. You can see how numb he becomes. Compared to when he first deviates where he's crying and is stressed, to seeing his friends die, he does nothing but sigh because at this point, he's had enough. Now that's just upsetting. He's grown so used to seeing people die around him. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him. It still absolutely does. He just shoves it down.

What happens to him after everything is over is now just a bunch of headcanons, but I like to think he still has this instinct of always wanting to protect his friends. He can't let his guard down. The second he hears a loud noise, he goes to investigate it. He doesn't sleep anymore, and even if he does, he twitches in his sleep and sometimes even wakes himself up (I like to think they're small internal electrocutions). He cannot open up properly. He randomly gets flashbacks about everything that has happened to him and pauses with whatever task he's currently doing. It passes by like a short film and disappears just like that, leaving Markus upset. It's like a reminder of what happened to him.

I've been thinking about writing a simarkus fic about Markus opening up and breaking down. I've seen endless fanart and stories of Simon doing that, but never Markus. So I want to turn that around. I want Markus to be a little more soft. I want to write about how he should know that he's allowed to let his guard down and can be soft.

[archivalofsins]

Eyyyyy new Deco song-

Sooooo many good Mahiru third cover song options what a dilemma-

"Ack the dilemma is enorma, help me out, come on doctor, my emotion's a sticky glitter bomb."

"Mon-mon-monstrously in love in love. A monstrous dilemma!!!"

"The ever looming problem of "never enough"."

"Oh, snap, this melancholic mind awakened from its slumber- BAD Miss Disaster, party night."

22/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday) Mahiru: My birthday…… the day I was born…… But was there really any reason for me being born? Lately I’ve started to wonder that. Do you ever think about stuff like that, Yuno-chan? Yuno: Eh? Not really. I mean, Mahiru-san, you’re really the romantic type, right? Not that I have anything against that. But isn’t it a bit much to think that everything in life has a meaning? If it makes you happy to think like that then go ahead, but if it doesn’t, then isn’t that in itself meaningless? Mahiru: : ……you might be right. I’ve always just lived my life like this, so I don’t really know. Yuno: We’ve all just gone through a bunch of things in life that happened to lead us here. It’s nothing more than a coincidence. Definitely not fate or anything. Probably. Even if there isn’t a meaning, you can still be happy that it’s your birthday. That sort of thing’s all you need in life really. So happy birthday, Mahiru-san.

"My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care! Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?" - "Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right."

"My emotion on rotation, like the daily special, here's a plate of my emotions champuru."

"My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!"

"Gotta push again, don't you see? I've got no option but to push- This see-saw won't see-saw because my love's too heavy."

"Kiss good-bye to this feeling cuz it’s too heavy? I can’t, no way no way no way!"- "My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight. Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right?"

"Ack, the dilemma is enorma, help me out, come on doctor, disappointment being born in the form of a glitter bomb. My head's on fire."

"Push down my feelings and take a moment to make you feel like "Hmmm, I want more". Adulting at a balance is what's called for, apparently. Like, "I'm so busy", psych! "Sorry, I was sleeping", psych! I just get so hopelessly confused ugh, RIP to me, seriously..."

"Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual is because I love you." - "I pretended to be a good girl, I don’t want to be “ok”."

"Is this A-OK-o?"

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let’s just overheat together!

"Giving you love to the point of pulling you down. It’s just because I still get worried, please forgive me." - "I just love you so much!"

"My heads on FIRE, Ha-ha-Hao of a love trifecta! Can you please give me the things you wanna do too?"

"I hate you, hate you so much, is that what you're thinking?"

"No way, Ha-ha-hao of a love trifecta what I'm coveting is to be oh so loved!"

"The things that I only want to say to you, and the things that I want from you is love."

And even a possible cute callback to her second interrogation answer?

Q.04 Can you speak any languages other than Japanese?

Mahiru: I picked Chinese as an elective subject at university but, well, I don’t think I can really say I speak it.

Well, It's a nice passing thought but I guess we'll see when we see. That's if she even makes it to her third trial though. Who knows what could happen.

Forgot because I was starving that it would also be fun for her to get this because it would parallel well with Futa getting Salamander this trial. in a Plus highlight the similarities between them in how they feel love and are heavily attracted to extreme emotions/ black and white framings. They're both either all in or out sometimes. I don't think it's a coincidence they've shown them subtly getting closer over trial two. Futa and Mahiru actually have a great deal in common just as Mahiru does with Kotoko as well.

[melonteee]

I'm really enjoying the live-action show. It's different, but I think some changes are improvements, some changes are neutral, and some changes are for the worse. Overall, I'd say it's about as good of an adaptation as the East Blue anime is (factoring in the changes the anime made).

Syrup Village is a great example, they cut Jango (though you do see his Bounty poster, so he still exists in canon), but they also made Kaya's illness be the result of Butchie poisoning her and part of Kuro's plan. Luffy drinks the poison soup and that replaces the scene of him unconscious from hypnosis. Zoro has to climb out of a well, and that replaces him climbing up an oil-covered hill and also sets up for Mihawk saying he's a frog in a well. They also change the setting for the battle from a beach to inside the mansion, introducing a horror theme to the story which rachets up the tension a lot more. Sham is also gender-bent and super cute.

And it's not wrong to say the showrunners understand and love the characters and the world. All of the bottles of alcohol are brands in One Piece, the barrel Luffy gets into has the name of the fishmonger from his village, Garp mentions that he's turned down multiple promotions, Nami reads Noland the Liar to Zoro while he's unconscious after his fight with Mihawk, Arlong introduces Fishman discrimination.

I think it's best experienced from the perspective of "it's going to be different, and that's okay". The characters are written a little differently, but not in a bad way. They still feel like the characters at their core, Inaki's Luffy and Taz's Sanji are two stand-outs, they're fantastic.

I understand if it's just not for you, and you did watch one episode, so I can't say you didn't give it a chance at all. I just feel like you and the others are being too harsh on it. It's way better than any other live-action anime adaptation I've ever seen.

I appreciate this anon and I do think the poison change works, but there's certainly a 1 good thing for 9 bad things ratio going on. Because in all fairness, I am going to be extremely critical of a 20 year old series that's making an adaptation with a 17 million dollar budget per episode - especially from Netflix. If I'm being approached by friends who were actually excited for this series and they came out of it disappointed, somehow I don't think I'm gonna have a good time myself. I'm watching One Piece for One Piece, I don't think I should go into an adaptation thinking this is gonna be different in STORY and CHARACTER. I can accept changes for medium, of course, but there are so many absolutely bizarre changes that literally do nothing. You don't go from the manga to the anime and think "Well if I just disconnect these characters from their original selves, I can soak this in fine" because in all honesty, that probably means it's a bad adaptation if you need to work to see what you want to see.

Also the 'frog in the well' thing is exactly my point of this script just slamming you in the face with what it's trying to do, we are not meant to take that literally. The well is the east blue that Zoro lives in, not a literal well lmao. It's a nice cheeky idea to have, but the goofiness of Zoro's character is removed from the scene where he's trying to run up a greased hill like an idiot. Because yes, even THAT scene served a purpose for Zoro's character and how we view him. It's definitely subjective to say the characters are written differently but not in a bad way, because ripping away parts of a character to leave them as this Frankenstein version of themselves is personally not something I want? Why would I WANT all the goofiness and stupidness taken out of Zoro? It might be good for some, but it just feels like a total downgrade and misunderstanding of his character to me. Same goes for Sanji just being this artsy guy who's complaining cause he can't make the dishes he wants, with his over dramatic, angry, violent flare completely gone. Those changes being good or bad are completely up to you, but I am personally just made to see a hollowed out, dumbed down version of them because I liked these characters as I originally met them and that's what made them stand out.

I appreciate the time they put into the sets, I do think the visual world was made well (although it could've used a bit more style), but the little physical details mean absolutely nothing if I can't even FEEL the magic the original gave me. A set does not make a series, 1000 strawhats will not make me see Luffy unless he is written to be Luffy, and that's the problem. I don't want to watch an adaptation that removes the most emotional and impactful moments of my favourite character just to replace it with a fight or to focus on ANOTHER character they've deemed more important. I am going to be critical because these characters mean a lot to me, and I am expecting to feel from an adaptation what I felt from the original with such characters. An adaptation does not mean making things different just for differences sake. I am glad you enjoyed it anon, as many people have, but if I'm watching something that's literally called One Piece and have been told this is an adaptation of One Piece - with the producers even saying they want to put the manga on the screen, mind you - I am going to go in there expecting One Piece, from the characters to the story. I shouldn't have to do the work in my own head and go "Well, they did their best!", especially at a million dollar Netflix production...sigh

[kbrick]

What do you think about the Draco haters? Personally I don't get them. I don't get how you can feel hatred for a child who was raised by fucked up people and then had to do awful things that he obviously hated to survive and keep his family safe too. All as a minor. Where has all the empathy gone? It's like they think they're talking about a hardened criminal lol. Why are people like this?

Okay, I'll be honest with you, nonny, I'm of two minds about this.

The thing that I feel in my gut when I see this sentiment out in the wild is irritation and maybe a little flare of anger. Because I love Draco. He's my favorite. I empathize with Draco, with what he went through in canon, and I also associate him with the thousand redemption character arcs I've read about him at this point. Have I argued with people on reddit over whether Draco should have been sentenced to life in Azkaban? Yes, I have. Am I proud of that? No, I am not. Looking back, it kinda makes me feel like an idiot.

I try to remind myself of two things when I feel this way. One, Draco is a character, not a real person, and we're talking about literature, not real life, and so it's really not that serious (please note - this is not usually effective in talking myself down off the ledge, but it ought to be mentioned).

And two, I used to hate (well, maybe strongly dislike) Draco.

I came to the fandom late (as a full-fledged adult!), but in my younger years, I was a big HP fan. I had all the books on a bookshelf in my room, I had a poster, I had pencils with big erasers on the end in the shape of the house mascots. I had my favorite Harry Potter mug (which just recently met an ignoble end on my kitchen floor, RIP favorite mug - and now I can't buy a replacement because I no longer buy HP merch because JKR is such a terrible human being and I refuse to support her...but I digress!).

And let's be honest: Draco Malfoy is a complete asshat in the books. He's the villain. He's petty, he's mean, he's arrogant with nothing at all to back it up. He says horrible things to Hermione, who was my very favorite character back when I read the series. And I was young enough to accept characters at face value back then, so yeah, I kind of hated Draco. I wasn't ranting about him online or anything, but if somebody would have asked me what I thought of him, I'd have probably blown a raspberry and given them a thumbs down.

It wasn't until the later books (Half-Blood Prince, specifically), that I began to neutralize on my view of Draco. Even back then, I felt bad for him in that bathroom scene. But it wasn't until I started reading Drarry (as an adult) that I looked back at Draco as a character and realized what a fucking delight he actually was (not in the sense that he was 'good' or whatever, but he was an excellent foil for Harry and was incredibly entertaining).

And part of this is maturity, I think. As a full-fledged adult, I no longer take characters at face value. I no longer think- oh, this character is being mean to the good guy, therefore they are a bad guy and I hate them. Instead, I think - wow, something is going on with this character, to make them act this way. They're so desperate for attention, or they're so insecure, or they were hurt so badly when xyz happened that they're lashing out. I look for the WHYS in characters. And Draco has a lot of whys, especially in fanon, and so it has become easy to empathize with him and like him.

Another part of it is that I have become a writer, and I appreciate complicated, compelling characters, and I'm no longer interested in Mary Sue good guys who are always noble and do everything right. Because let's be honest: people are not that way. We shouldn't write them that way. That's not truth, and I want to read and write truth.

But for readers who do not value characters beyond the hero, or who have chosen not to look more closely at character whys, Draco is a bad guy. He's not insecure; he's arrogant. It's not hurt feelings; it's a mean streak. And to be frank, I think JKR herself viewed Draco in this way (for the most part). Yes, she gave him some depth towards the end of the books, but I honestly think that was due to pressure from fans who wanted a redemption arc for Draco (and really, it's a half-assed redemption arc at best). I think JKR is a mostly black-and-white thinker, and I think she wrote a mostly black-and-white series. Harry and his friends are good, Draco and his friends are bad. Voldemort is evil. The end.

So I suppose what I'm saying is that I understand why people don't like Draco as a character. I think it suggests a bit of closed-mindedness on their parts, and maybe a lack of empathy, and that they're horribly boring irl (ha, had to get that dig in there). But the truth is that people are allowed to feel how they want to feel about characters. I'm not the interpretation police.

Does that mean I no longer get fired up when somebody on reddit says Draco should've been sentenced to life in Azkaban? Nope, I'm not that mature, come on. Will I continue arguing with them about it? I hope I'm beyond that, but we'll see. Do I still love Draco with all my heart? I do, and so you know what? I'm going to keep writing about him and enjoying him.

That's about all I have to say about that. Which was a LOT, actually. Who knew?

Thanks for the ask, nonny :) It was an interesting one.

[find-the-path]

OC Questions Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @a-lonely-dunedain! Here I will answer three OC questions from her post, and then tag a couple people to answer the questions I'll come up with (if they want to). These are for Amathan and Aderthor, as they're the OCs clearest in my head and also the ones who've been banging down the door for the last monthish.

1. What is a trait your OC can't stand in other people vs. a trait that they find themself drawn to

Amathan - he tends to be pretty short-tempered and low-filter around people who tick him off, and he doesn't have a short list of these. A specific trait (rather than general immorality) would probably be laziness, especially where it matters. Didn't set up that barricade right? Thought you'd just keep up that meaningless conversation rather than pay attention to what you're doing with a blade in a crowded workspace? You've got another think coming. On the flip side, professionalism (when warranted, and the genuine kind instead of posturing) does a great job of convincing him you actually know what you're doing. He's not himself a leader, but does not accept leadership from someone who even he can see is doing it wrong.

Aderthor - as a generally easy-going guy, it takes more seriously terrible traits to get to "can't stand" territory. Cruelty of any kind gets him angry, but what gets him furious is cruelty without a point. Doing that didn't even get you anything. You just ripped hurt into existence and your gain was itself. You did that for fun. The additional confusion that it adds to the equation makes it even worse. He can't understand it and he can't understand the people who do it and that drives him crazy in addition to angry. As for what he is drawn to, generally the opposite: people he can understand and who want to be understood, even unconsciously. People who feel their own kinship with every other person around them and share in it. (This is a reason he gets attached to Corunir so quickly.)

2. What animal would you associate with your OC? can be for in-character reasons (I.E their favorite animal) or a more symbolic reason

Amathan - A chihuahua. I've never actually thought of animals in relation to most of my characters, so all I've got on the top of my head are dumb jokes. Let me google some stuff think real quick. A WOLF. He's often perceived as a 'lone wolf' by those around him, especially those who met him recently, but in reality he's much more of a pack animal, and is fiercely protective of his family and friends. He's intelligent, but has a penchant for diving over his head and wildly overestimating his own martial ability on his own. He works far better in a team. Lastadron absolutely stayed with him partly out of a conviction that this guy is alive purely because of duct tape and spite.

I really want to equate Lehtion with a horse for humor and also symbolism, but horse symbolism and Lehtion's Lehtionness isn't cooperating. (Most of his character development ends up circled around Rohan, despite me not actually planning it that way.)

3. What is their biggest regret? was it truly their fault or some unavoidable tragedy? (and can they tell the difference)

I'm going to take this question as it pertains to backstory, as it occurs to me my characters have way more regrets post-Epic, most of them every other player character is going to share.

Amathan - his biggest regret is probably not taking off after Aderthor immediately after they realized something had gone wrong (or better yet, going with him). Yes, he actually found him alive even after ten years out of contact, but in Amathan's view he could have also done that perfectly well without the ten years of thinking his brother was dead. The question of whether that would have worked (a lot of factors contributed to the overthrow of the False-king in Angmar, not just Amathan and Lastadron showing up, and the Ram Duath really was impassible for a good long while there) is not one he has considered in depth. He also hasn't considered how twenty-year-old-Amathan might have reacted to being thrown into the Epic. So, while deciding not to go after Aderthor immediately could be his fault (which is NOT the right word), Angmar not getting overthrown ten years earlier absolutely was not.

Aderthor - WE COULD'VE AT LEAST TOLD SOMEONE WHERE WE WERE GOING DANG IT. The whole situation around trapped-in-Angmar-for-ten-years is one big regret for Aderthor. Whenever he gets stuck in a circle around thinking it (especially before Amathan and Lastadron show up) he mostly loops THIS WAS PREVENTABLE!!!!! around every tragedy and every death. Whether anything that was within his power at the time (telling Halbarad, staying with Corunir, and... nothing else really) would've helped anything is not clear, and most of the time he can see that. The pointlessness (from his view) of it all is what really galls him, even if he can't actually think of One Thing that anyone could've done to prevent it.

--------------------

Now for my own questions! Hmm, let me think...

What is your OC's family relationships like? Is he/she close with his/her birth family? Any siblings? Living parents? Extended relatives? How does he/she think of any found family--- in those terms, or more shy about it?

Does your OC more easily connect with people inside of a context--- a task, a specific conversation topic, a common goal--- or during downtime when they can do whatever they want?

How good are most good-intentioned people at reading your OC, or how correct are their general assumptions about him/her? Does your OC present him/herself as open to other people or closed-off?

Sorry for any vagueness in the questions, feel free to interpret them however you want! Tagging @o-lei-o-lai-o-lord, @sailforvalinor, and @mozart-the-meerkitten if they want to join! :D

[skeleton-in-a-hoodie]

I feel like the DDMG Turtles are going to be really weird kids. Some of its due to The Horrors TM, because even excluding all the supernatural stuff that goes on in this au, these kids have been through hell. But there's a good chunk of stuff that can only really be explained by the fact they're being raised by a ghost/ rat demon hybrid thing and living in Splinter's Domain.

This ended up being mostly me rambling about how prolonged exposure to domains/ the astral plane can effect humans. Under a readmore cause it got longer than I was expecting.

I think fairy land rules apply here, in that if you enter a ghost's domain, because you've essentially gone to the spirit world, you're not going to leave the same as you went in. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't mean someone who's gone into a Domain once and then left immediately is going to turn into a demon or whatever. For most people it just means that spirits and demons can look at them and know this person has been to the spirit world.

But the DDMG Turtles didn't just enter a Domain, stay for a minute, then left and never interacted with a Domain ever again. By the time the Pied Piper of New York ends, at the low end (so Donnie, Raph and Leo) they've spent a few hours in a Domain which is still more than most humans, and at the high end Mikey has been spending at least two hours everyday in a Domain for several months.

After Piper ends, Mikey's brothers will catch up with him hours wise, which means all four kids are spending a lot of time everyday in the spirit world. And they do end up moving in with Splinter and living in the Lair full time. I think it's been a long time since a living human spent so much time in the astral plane.

This kinda means that they're going to be affected by the spirit world a hell of a lot more than someone who dipped in and out of a Domain.

Bare minimum they're going to stand out a lot more to ghosts and demons. Best way I can think to describe it right now is that other human's spirits are like fireflies, but the Turtles' are like suns. Other humans can kinda tell there's something different about them, but the vast majority of people won't be able to figure out what, so most would just assume it was a nd thing they were picking up on. And to be fair the DDMG boys are all neurodivergent, so that's not an entirely wrong assumption to make.

I've not really figured out fully what this means for the Turtles, outside of the fact that death is going to be a bit different for them compared to most people, and that they might end up having cores whilst still being living humans. Like I think all humans in DDMG technically have cores, it's just that whilst you're alive the core isn't fully developed, and upon death it matures. But because the DDMG Turtles have been living in the spirit world and spending so much time around Splinter, theirs might start doing that early. So they're still human, but they've always got one metaphorical foot in the astral plane, and that plane and all its inhabitants recognise that.

This isn't something Splinter was aware of, and I don't think the other ghosts of New York knew it would happen, otherwise they'd have told Splinter... actually, they'd have told Garson, who'd tell Splinter. It's very important to Splinter that his sons get to have as normal a life as possible and this is a man who had his humanity slowly ripped from his fingers over the span of years. DDMG Splinter is intimitately aware of what it's like to slowly lose your humanity and become Something Else, so if he knew being at the Old House would slowly change the boys into something that's still human but slightly to the left, he'd have told them and let them decide what they wanted to do. He loves them dearly, and if the Turtles decided that they wanted to live somewhere else because of what his Domain was (unknowingly) doing to them, he'd accept it and do what he could to help them sort things out.

As things stand, by the time Splinter and the Turtles find out about the effects a Domain can have on a living human, the boys have already been permanently changed and part of them has decided that the astral plane is their home.

And, even if that wasn't the case, I think they'd still decide to stay with Splinter. They love him, he's their father, and they'd much rather live with him and deal with that bridge when they get to it.

[silverjetsystm]

edelweiss :   what was the bravest moment in your muse’s life ?are they known to be courageous from then on ?

❥     𝐁𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒    [ 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚃𝚂 ] -- Accepting!

Okay I've been mulling on this.

There are a few I could toss up as 'bravest.' Most of them are telling Khonshu to go to hell. >:3c but in this case, I think we'll go with the 'death by origin story.'

Is that cheating?

Marc's gone from dishonorably discharged Marine and former CIA operator to real deal merc. He's felt a twinge of conscience before now but this is the big moment of Marc becoming not bad guy.

MK (2006) #3 Writer: Huston; Penciler: Finch; Inkers: Miki, Olazaba, and Martinez; Colorist: D’Armata; Letterers: Caramagna and Virtual Calligraphy

However, for reasons eventually under the cut, Marc thinks this moment was a moment of weakness instead of bravery.

This got away from me so I'm placing Cory retells and analyzes MK (1980) #1 under a read more.

Marc and his bestie Frenchie work for Bushman. Frenchie figured out the campaign they're on is the wrong side. Marc and Frenchie like underdog causes and as few war crimes as possible. Bushman's big into war crimes.

[Marc just spouting off about tombs is hilarious to me]

Frenchie and Marc don't like those orders. They plan on getting the heck out of there. Marc gets them pulled in. The lead archeologist stands up to Bushman with a gold dagger. Marc warns Bushman, who kills the archeologist. Archeologist tells Marc to save his daughter, Marlene.

Spoiler alerts? Marlene becomes the System's girlfriend for a very long time. In the early days, she was very invested in 'rehabilitating' Steven as the future, MK as the atonement, and hoped one day that Steven and her will have a happy life free of the MK junk. Marc was the bad past and Jake was not serious.

Marc does tell Marlene Bushman killed her dad when they meet again in the tomb, so that's good. Still...

Worst meet cute.

Marlene makes it to the tomb and has the surviving staff start moving out when they spot this fuckin guy topple into the sand. They lay him in front of the statue and realize he's dead.

Writer: Moench; Penciler: Sienkiewicz; Inkers: Sienkiewicz and Springer; Colorist: Sharen; Letterer: Orzechowski

Yes. There's no vision of Khonshu besides the statue for decades. Moench designed it as open ended. It was up to the reader and the characters to determine if it was coincidence or something more. In the original comics, Steven and Jake were considered aliases who may or may not be a little too real.

Lemire and Smallwood did a fantastic retelling with bonus Steven, Jake, and Khonshu. (and a shirt and plate carrier for Marc)

MK (2016) #14 Writer: Lemire; Penciler and Inker: Smallwood; Colorist: Bellaire; Letterer: Petit

It takes courage to change one's whole life around. Marc's got other thoughts about it.

MK (2021) #1 Writer: MacKay; Penciler and Inker: Cappuccio; Colorist: Rosenberg; Letterer: Petit

To Marc, he made the wrong choice when he agreed to become Khonshu's Fist. All his life, he believed his father was weak and foolish for being a pacifist. His father would never had made a bargain with a foreign god.

Part of it is whether or not he actually grew beyond the merc mindset. Sure, he helps people now. Keeps the ultraviolence to an all time minimum. He'll talk a big game about ripping people's faces off but when he has an option to kill someone, he instead comes up with a fate worse than death. He's still an incredibly violent person who goes to Avengers Mandated Therapy and has friends (for all he hides it in professionalism).

Clinging to MK as a sense of escape from his wild dog days, self-worth, and duty has kept him from being able to move on and find peace. Frenchie and Marlene lead separate lives from him. Diatrice, Marlene and the System's daughter, can't visit because of Marc's choices.

[bitch-butter]

it's the eion/ross anon again, coming to you fresh from watching challengers wherein a bit of dialogue sent me spiraling again:

"This is where you live [...] and this is certainly where you're gonna die." and "I've always tried to figure out what happened to you [...] I realize it's about what DIDN'T happen. You didn't grow up."

and if that isn't eion/ross coded then I have no idea what is

babe i was Just thinking of you! in light of ross and his New Venture (some would say relationship) i have been lingering on the darkness of eion/ross v v much, as this whole thing just Reeks of the desperation that comes when you have a hard and fast realization that half your life is now gone with the wind, and you have nothing to show for it save a miniseries from 2001 and a string of broken affairs. truly the claustrophobic panic that might grip ones heart at such a moment could lead even the finest and strongest (of which ross is neither) of soldiers to catapult themselves into a deeply unclear relationship with a woman half your age.

like do we think there's a part of ross that is secretly wondering if eion gives a fuck that he's moved on? that maybe finally landing the plane on a relationship might be the closure he thinks he truly needs to put the past behind him and be an actualized person?? or that deep down he knows that there are pains in the past we truly can never escape and no matter what we do they're going to haunt us in myriad ways until we become numb to it and accept that what was there is now gone???

good thing eion Literally probably doesn't even know and doesn't care lol rip rossco

also good on you for seeing Challengers i'm literally still debating whether or not i want to engage and the clock is ticking lol

[rhubarb-newt]

today was supposed to be like... not necessarily a good day but a day where I could get shit done and feel good about myself

I had 3 errands- to donate my cat's food he's allergic to, sell old clothes at a thrift shop, and pick up my library book

Instead... I left my house this morning already running late, still sleep deprived, and found that not only had someone stolen another one of my yard signs, but they had also literally broken my flag pole (which had my pride flag) off of my house

At the time I was able to take it in stride and got my first errand done, dropped off the cat food before the shelter closed. And then I started feeling vulnerable and I needed to kill time before the thrift shop opened so I went and spent money on a coffee and treat from the queer owned cafe. I walked around the pet store nearby too

Finally I drive over to the thrift store, which is out of my way enough that it's annoying and I've been putting it off for months. But i have a massive bag of old clothes and I'm determined bc I need to get money for these so I can afford to get new clothes again and it'll feel good to finally have them gone

And... I bring in a massive ikea bag of clothes and they take less than half of them. I get roughly $20 in store credit and use half of it on a single pair of jeans. When I walk out they give me back the remaining clothes they didn't buy, and the bag is still heavy enough to feel disappointing

I go to another thrift shop nearby and have to park out of the way, walking a few extra blocks with this bulky bag of clothes, and wait my turn to sell. They also reject everything and send me off with the same amount I walked in with. I stew in the fact that thrift shops are so much pickier than they used to be (these clothes arent in awful condition or anything- they're just used), and also wtf happened to their prices? I can't find anything under $30 here.

Meanwhile, in the background of my mind, I am aware that both of these shops are in a known queer friendly neighborhood in Minneapolis and the cafe was in a known queer friendly neighborhood in St Paul... I'm currently around more queer people than I've seen in one place than I've been in a year, with the exception of pride.

I have yet to find anyone else in my neighborhood, also in the cities proper, who is queer and I have to deal with people ripping my flagpole off my house bc it has a rainbow flag. I work in the suburbs and I'm the only queer+trans person in my office and I spend my days just choking on cishet old fashioned gender norms and surrounded by the smog of it. The isolation has fucked with my mental health in a big way and here I'm just... reminded that me moving to the city to be around more queer people was functionally a waste bc I can't afford to live in The Right Place for a gayborhood.

I don't buy anything from the thrift shop, and I've accepted I won't get anything for these perfectly reasonable used clothes. So I go to goodwill to donate them. This errand was supposed to have one stop and it turned into three, and I'm feeling fairly low at this point. So I go in to buy some shoes bc I only have like 2 functional pairs, and the point of this whole outing was to make money so I could afford new clothes/shoes. So instead of making anything I buy 2 pairs of shoes and spend like $23.

Old clothes are gone and I'm still feeling sour. The plan is to go to the library and go home, but I figure I'm running low on food and will need to grocery shop anyways. More money spent. Finally get my book and head home.

Still stewing when I get home and I know I need to spend more bc one of my pairs of shoes has no laces, and I need a new bracket for my flagpole. But I'm just about done at this point. This isn't the first time people have fucked with my pride stuff and initially my plan was just to replace it over and over but.... honestly after 30 years and having worked so hard to have my place, I dont have patience for letting other people ruin it.

So I bought some barbed wire to put on my flagpole and yard signs, for the next asshole who thinks they can just grab it.

And like. I stand by this decision. I stand by all my spent money today as a correct decision... but now my budget is entirely thrown off and I won't get a meaningful paycheck for 2 weeks and I'm just sitting here in shame honestly. I need to save money, need to get back to where I was before having to get my car back in April.

But honestly my life is just so full of garbage right now. Like just today's events don't even get into the half of it and I can pay bills but not much more. And ffs I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't feel like I can afford to be a person bc doing anything costs money. And I've been doing this so long and it's all completely by myself with no one to back me up and no additional income in sight and it isn't fucking fair.

There's no actual point to this post but I'm so. So tired of needing to be perfect all the time and life just grinding me to a fine pulp regardless. I'm tired of being punished for trying to take care of myself. I'm tired of being completely alone with no support and a mental health state that I can't remember having since I was closeted in high school.

I still feel like such a failure and I don't know what to do.

[doxolove]

I always forget I can type a lot more on tumblr. I kind of poofed for so long, so I’ll leave some thoughts here about my last month (long) ;

tw: mental health, conditioning, recovery

I'm laying in bed, I thought about all of the times I spoke and have had conversations with people in my past… But they're all so very vague.

I can't remember them.

I assumed I just have bad memory, brain fog, static– But I realize this is part of my defense mechanisms and it has been for a long time. What was so vivid and gave me so much joy– but ended in agonizing pain and hellfire? Has already become fragments in my head. I don't even remember things I said to my ex and subsequent 'love interest'. I also realize there is another reason for this too.

Not only does my brain blank out pain, most words spoken were said from a place of insecurity, where I have been in survival mode all of my life. All of the things I said, most likely 90% of them within conflicts, we're emotionally charged impulses, influenced by deprecation and urgency. 

These words are never meant to last. Never meant to be finite or thoughtful. They were forced, coerced, influenced. I made decisions in survival mode, I remember how I would freeze. I still do sometimes, when I hear raised voices beyond a wall– I fall silent. When someone blazes towards me with accusations, I rear up to defend. I panic. I start to fawn and people-please, this keeps the anxiety away, curbs the stress.

These are all reactions and mechanisms built into my conditioning. It's taken close to a month to detangle most of this, people with codependency issues have a monumental task to overcome doing this because you're programmed to not care about yourself. I blank out the pain, I can't remember what it felt like last week, even. Going back to read my journal, I don't remember the times I let my emotions or shadow-self write specifically. They are fleeting and weightless thoughts.

But there is good news; I'm starting to remember things, specifically from this month and the mental agony I've gone through to completely rewrite my internal mechanisms. I was relentless, ripping gears and cogs out in oily streams with tooth and nail and shoving brand new gears inside. Incredibly uncomfortable and painful. I learned how to endure and let emotion just slide over myself and accept it was happening. I was crying my eyes out about five times a day for the first week, I still cry sparingly but it's over within a few seconds. Crying still sends endorphins to my brain, a type of addiction in it's own way.

My body fought me the whole way; tight chest, anxiety attacks, crying fits, loss of appetite and desire (aside what was lost). I've gone through waves of tumultuous emotion but saw improvement each and every day. Every day my mind understood something new, held onto the science of what was happening to me. It happens to so many people, and I am not alone in this pain.

It made me realize, 'they may have gone through this too'. 'They have been to therapy'. Was it just as painful? How much of yourself did you have to rip out and restructure? Are you still lost in some ways? I felt compassion completely overwhelm me. I felt fresh regrets surface with adjacent shame. It's an intense feeling, understanding something like this. It made so many emotional words, melt away.

Beyond understanding and watching weightless words and invisible expectations fade out– something remains. When the pulp is gone and meshed out, lifting the glass for the first time to look at and swirl it's pure contents; you can see it more clearly; your true feelings.

Everyone is afraid nothing will remain when they've slot in the strainer, that all these thoughts and urges weren't made to last… They're afraid that the love/care they have is truly only skin deep, that the shrines built in their minds are a shackle thrust upon both parties…

I see something there and it is genuinely true. I don't flaunt it, it doesn't have to be perceived. It's a feeling that understands the weight of true love and care,

I trust them.

Thank you so much. You're trusting me to make this right, you won't regret it. I've aged emotionally 20 years in over 20 days, and I continue to every day. I believe in science, in biology. Knowing why we do something makes my mind curb temptation. I'm not perfect, I still have raging bursts of emotion; 'I miss you', 'I wish this was fixed', 'I am so lonely '-- it's painful… But there's also hurt springing forth from this two way street. I have questions of my own, things that still upset me– but they can't be addressed until we're both in a comfortable, safe place. They can't be answered correctly until then.

Any response coming from survival mode is emotionally charged and fleeting, there will be no weight. I made people respond to me in this mindset so many times, and some have apologized for points they weren't lucid already, even though I put them there. They may understand it isn't healthy, and need time to process too.

I can apologize to these people until the cows come home, but the only thing that really matters is this;

I trust you. I want to honor your boundaries until the day I die. I can question but not test, it is not my privilege. My understanding of love and care has changed, and I know I harbor one or both in their authentic form for many. I care for your wishes to evoke change in my life, to right wrongs not just for your sake and to repent, but for my own well-being.

I feel it. I realized all this time, my actions here are a real display of self care and love for myself. The hand I've never been offered and longed for– is my own. I have the power to change everything, to be anything… And a feeling inside of me still longs to have true connections, healthy ones in any capacity. I know what this is, and I'm allowing it to keep my hearth lit and warm. It fuels compassion and further understanding, and slaps my hand away from temptation. There's no obligation or entitlement, no expectations. I'm shaking impatience out of myself like a maraca.

I eagerly await the days some feel safe enough to reach out, but I know it has to come from them. They don't owe me the chance to potentially re-wound them, so I'm making sure they see where I am to reassure that that risk's percentage can be minimized. I'm serious about all of this, I'd make a blood pact with Satan if I could. I want nothing but the best for them and pray for their continued health daily. Thank you for believing in me.