#but i'm working through my stuff on carmy too !

[butchcarmy]

Idk if you've written this but can you write about carmy and the reader arguing and he makes her cry? Idk I just feel like thatd be good angst fluff lol

AHH I got carried away as per usual. anyway this is good stuff. wrote a bunch. enjoy!!

word count: 1.3k

tags: traumatized carmy, mentally ill carmy and reader, arguing, language, HURT/COMFORT, ANGST/FLUFF, carmy being a sweetie

Hm…i'm spending a lot of time thinking about the set-up for this. Carmy is a very careful person when it comes to those he’s romantically involved in, but at the same time, he has a hard time controlling his temper when he's in the darkness, as i'll put it. 

here's something awful i think about that i wanna write about. carmy's stressed about work, because of course he is. he's carmy. his head is whirring, spinning with anxiety and self-hatred. i think you're just like him. mentally ill for mentally ill if you will. you're also in a bad mood, and he comes home from The Bear exhausted and keyed up.

“I hate when you push me away like this,” you admit. You've been trying to get him to talk to you since he's been home. Maybe he just needs space, but separation makes you anxious. Especially when he shuts down. 

“I'm sorry that it's so hard for you,” he spits, finally snapping and turning to face you. You've followed him into the dark bedroom, lit only by the harsh moonlight through the window. You flinch. You never quite get used to seeing him like this. 

“I—I just—“ you feel pressure beginning in the back of your eyes. You will it away. “How can I help you if you don’t talk to me?”

“Why do you care so much? Does it make you feel better to take care of someone more fucked up than you?” He snaps, voice raised. His words go down bitter, leaving an awful taste in your mouth. Something in you shatters.

“How could you ask me that?” Your vision’s gone hot and blurry. “I’m your partner. I love you, that’s why I care, you asshole!” You’re stifling sobs. You hate crying in fights like this, but it hurts. You can’t help it.

“Fuck,” Carmy mutters under his breath. He’s gone still in your blurred vision. “Baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that—“

“That was so fucked up, Carmy.” You move to sit on the bed, trying to wipe your tears away, but they keep coming. “What’s your problem?”

“You know what my problem is.” His remorse has swept away the anger, leaving him quiet before you. He leans down at your knees, hands on your thighs. “I shouldn’t have said that. Any of that.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Carmy nods quickly, and he raises a hand to your wet cheeks. “Fuckin’ asshole.”

“I know.” He takes your pain, your anger in its entirety. His other hand brings your knuckles to his lips. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.“

“Sure sounded like you meant it.” Anger flares up in your chest, hurt and betrayed, but you tamp it down, leaning into his hand cradling his face. You take a deep breath to steady yourself. “Damnit, Carmy.”

“I know. I know.” He’s still kissing your hand. “You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.” You hate it when he talks like this, because you can tell he really believes it.

“Don’t say that. Please.” 

“But it’s true.” You look down at him in the moonlight, at his sad blue eyes. “I always find ways to hurt you. I…”

“That’s what being in a relationship is, Carm.” You pat the space next to you. “Sit with me?”

“I keep having to remind myself of that.” He sinks into the bed next to you. “I’m so sorry for talking about you like that. Like you’re only doing this out of…I don’t know. Obligation.” He drags a hand across his tired face. “You don’t deserve that. I’m sorry. I just, I just think that—that I’m—fuck—“

“Slow down, Carm,” you say quietly. “It’s okay. You don’t need to force it. I’m listening.” He smiles bitterly at you, and you recognize the love in it easily. He takes in a deep breath before continuing. 

“I still have a hard time believing that anyone cares about me. I can’t even believe that you—love me.” You can practically see the shame rolling off of him in waves. “And it makes me scared.”

“Love is scary, isn’t it?” You say softly. He just nods. “It scares me, too. That’s why I kept pestering you when you got home. I…” You blink quickly. You don’t wanna cry again. “It scares me when I don’t know what you’re thinking. Because…I dunno. It just does.”

“Yeah?” You nod. He has this thoughtful expression that he holds for a moment as he stews on your words. “I didn’t think about it like that. I’m sorry. I think…I think when you kept asking me if I was okay, it…” he sighs, scratches at his temples. “I felt like I was…getting back into a corner. I think.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” You take his hand in yours. “I can see how that must’ve felt really bad.”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault that I’m like this. I think—I think it just reminded me of my mom. We would always ask her if she was okay, because she’s fucking crazy, yknow? We didn’t wanna step on her toes. But it turns out we did anyway. And the way I acted just now, I was just like…” He can’t even get the words out. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, voice choked with emotion. “I love you. So much. You know that, right?”

“You tell me everyday. How could I not?” You pull him into a hug, tight and warm, and he instantly wraps his arms around you. “You’re not your mom, Carm. You're nothing like her. Okay?” 

“I don’t wanna be like her,” he whispers. “I don’t wanna be like her.”

“You’re not,” you remind him softly. “And you won’t be.”

Carmy leans back to look at you, but he remains close. His expression is knotted with pain. You run your thumb over his furrowed brow, and it makes his mouth curve upwards in a smile. It’s fleeting, but it was there. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I’ll try to open up more. Let you know what I’m thinking.”

Suddenly, you think about when you first started dating Carmy. He was so scared to open up to you emotionally, but with gentle prodding, he fell apart instantly. There was a hunger in him to be known by others, to be seen by you, and it scared him to death. You see that same fear in him now, but you also see how much he’s grown since then. You doubt you would’ve been able to have this conversation at all in the first couple months. 

That makes you happy in a way you’re not quite able to word properly.

“Thank you. But I hope you also know I don’t want to force you. I just wanna help. And…” You measure your words carefully. “I’ll try not to let it freak me out so much. Because if you’re not in the mood to talk, I want you to know that’s okay. Okay?”

“Okay. I’d like that. If I don’t want to talk, I’ll just tell you. Instead of…blowing a fuse.” He laughs dryly. 

“I’d like that too.” You let out an exhale of relief you didn’t realize you were holding. “Wow, Carm. Look at us. Communicating!”

“I know.” That makes him laugh for real this time, and you’re laughing too. “I couldn’t do it without you.”

“I think you could. But I certainly like doing it with you.” His smiles grows wider at that, brimming with affection. 

“Let me make this up to you, baby.” He pulls you in for a kiss, slow and deep. You let out a little noise when his lips meet yours. 

“Make it up to me?” Carmy’s tongue is on your neck now. Oh. “Aren’t you tired? You—you have work tomorrow—?”

“Don’t care.” You fall back onto the bed, and the blankets deflate under you. You stare up at Carmy, his curls hanging by his face. “You’re more important.”

“Well, if you insist…” You giggle, and your giggles get louder when Carmy pulls up your shirt to blow raspberries against your stomach. “Carmy, quit it—oh—!”

He makes it up to you in full and more by keeping his head between your legs for the rest of the night. By the end of it you can't remember what you were mad about in the first place.

[carmenberzattosgf]

i'm so sorry to psychoanalyze and brain dump in ur inbox but i've been thinking about how carmy maybe falls into bdsm bc he's always been so out of control in his life being the youngest sibling and working in stressful kitchens and always being an underling. and like he craves boundaries and rules and control bc he lacks that in all other places of his life so his only way to relax is through consensual dominance with a partner and i don't have an end to this just wanted to share. also congrats on 100 followers!!!!

omg pls don’t apologize for brain dumping in my ask box-

I SOOOO agree with this. Like oh my god he would love the rules of it all. To have someone, you, truly listen to him? To his every instruction?

I think you would be the one to bring it up to him. He’s SO hesitant at first. Just the whole idea of it makes him nervous. But once you both have the first scene- he flips a switch.

The fact that you’ll let him use you however he wants just makes him go crazy. It seriously brings out the dominant in him. It also gives him so much confidence because Carmy knows only he can make you feel this way.

I also think that he would love experimenting on pleasure with pain. Being able to “let out” his anger on you through spanking is something he cannot get enough of. But! What he truly likes about it is that you get off on it too. The way you get so wet from his hands spanking you? Oh my god he’s a goner. He would tease you for it, too. “Look how wet you’re getting. All this just from some spankings? I haven’t even put my cock in you yet and you’re soaked.”

He also likes the trust aspect in BDSM. You trust him and he trusts you. Please don’t get me started on stuff like subspace- he fucking LOVES getting you to a place like that just because he knows how much trust it takes for that to even happen.

I think what he loves most about BDSM though is the aftercare! He is such a fucking sweetheart. He’ll draw you a warm bath, get you water, bring you a meal he cooks himself. If you can’t walk he’ll carry you. Oh and he’ll just adore your face with kisses, telling you how much he loves you and thanking you for trusting him so deeply

Anon I can assure you more stuff involving dom carmy is on the horizon for my blog. There’s literally already a spanking and overstim post in my drafts. It’s one of my favorite things to write about because the dynamic is just so- AHH. And like I’ve said I think Carmy would be such a good dom

[eucalyptus-lvs]

Carmen Berzatto’s Night Off - Carmen Berzatto x Reader

I would have had this out earlier, but I got hung up on a two-parter that I’m putting out in the fall. The platform is still pretty new to me so I’m still learning as well. This could be in the same universe as my last two or a stand-alone. I’m trying to think of a nickname or smth to use in place for this series without putting an actual name so it’s still immersive for everyone. I was also thinking about doing requests if it’s smth that has interest so if anyone has thoughts on either feel free to lmk. As always any thoughts or constructive criticism are appreciated! Thank you to everyone who has read and supported me. Love you all! - Elli🌿

TW: None.

A knock sounds at the office door, startling Carmy before it slowly open.

“Hey.” You call to him, walking over.

“Hey, what’s up?” Attention turning back to the papers in front of him, arm circling your waist. He squeezes your hip as you stand beside him while remaining in his chair.

“Just wanted to come see you before the day starts.” You lean down to place a kiss to the top of his messy curls. “Getting some paperwork done?”

He moves his arm to run both hands down his face in frustration before settling them in his lap. “That and the menu Syd’s pushin’ for.” Tipping back in his chair with a heavy sigh.

You lean back against the desk to face him, crossing your arms. “Shouldn't you be working on the menu Syd wants…with Syd?” Questioning what, to you, seemed obvious.

“Yeah, I will. I just wanna get some general ideas down and go from there.” he shrugged.

You lock eyes with him, expression showing you think he's full of shit. “You know this does nothing for your control freak allegations, right?” you laugh.

“I'm not a control freak. I just want everything to go well. It has to if Syd wants her star.”

Tilting your head with an endearing look, you grab his hand in yours. “I know you do, but maybe you should give yourself a break. Take a night off.”

He scoffed. “I can’t just take a night off. There’s too much that needs to get done. This fuckin’ paperwork, the menu, makin’ sure the deliveries are comin’ in and that those deliveries are actually what we fuckin’ ordered and-” He ranted, getting increasingly frustrated with each task mentioned.

“Fine, fine.” You squeeze his hand as a way to gain back his attention but also ground him as he spirals. “I get it, but you can leave on time for once. You get here early and you stay later than anyone else.”

“Because I'm running it.” he interjects.

“And the place won't cease to exist if you leave with everyone else. C’mon, just one night, and tomorrow you can dive head-first back into the neurosis. I'll even come in early with you and help if it'll make you feel better.” You plead with your best attempt at puppy dog eyes.

“Don't look at me like that, Sweetheart. Please.” He tries looking away only for you to huff like a child trying to get their way.

“You are in need of some serious rest and recovery. Slow down a bit. Enjoying your life won't kill you.”

“Baby, c’mon. I gotta try and figure out these recipes or I'll get behind a-and everything will get derailed-”

“Okay, Cameron Frye.” You roll your eyes, mocking him. “I swear, your mind goes straight to the worst-case scenario every time.” Releasing his hand and turning to flip through some of the papers on the desk.

“Who?” He looked confused, shaking his head.

“Cameron Frye. Ferris Bueller's Day off? The best friend.” Focusing on what you think are the beginning sketches of a dish.

“Never seen it.” He said flippantly, going back to looking through the files.

Your eyes shot back up to look at him. “What?! How have you not seen it? Isn't old stuff your whole thing?”

“Vintage is not my whole thing.” He corrects. “I just like it. And I'm talkin’ about denim, not an era as a whole. I barely consume current media. Let alone somethin’ that came out 4 decades ago.”

“Oh, come on. You're missing out. The 80s had some of the greatest movies ever made. The practical effects of horror were unmatched. The love stories were iconic. Not to mention all the feel-good nostalgia. Which, not to be that girl, with your attitude you could probably use in your life.” You ramble on.

“Ouch.” Throwing his hands up slightly in mock offense.

You sigh, feeling as though you’re fighting a losing battle. “Okay, how about a trade? Tonight we go back to my place and have an awesome 80s double feature. You can cook whatever you want for us to enjoy it with. Call it practice for the menu.”

“I can cook anything?” He asked skeptically, crossing his arms.

“Yes, as long as you agree right now to two movies. I pick. No backing out.” You stuck out your hand with a pointed look. Giving the impression of a serious transaction.

If he was being honest, he found it quite cute.

“Okay.” He took your smaller hand in his, sealing the deal.

A smile takes over your serious expression, so wide your face aches.

“Okay! You make plans for dinner and I'll think about what we’ll watch.” Nodding your head as you move back towards the door, making your way out of the office to complete the necessary tasks before opening.

Carmy matches your smile. Happy to see you so excited. Shaking his head as his mind fills with ideas of what you might like and what is to come of the night.

______________________________________________________________

A knock sounds at the door for a second time today. Not to the office this time, but to your apartment. You race over and throw it open. “Well, hello.” You grin.

Carmy stands in the doorway, grocery bags in hand. “Hey, Sweetheart.” He presses a quick kiss to your cheek as he passes you to walk to the kitchen, immediately making himself at home as if it were second nature.

When setting the bags on the counter he sees that there are already some there. “You stopped at the store?”

“Yeah, I just had to get a few things for tonight.” You shrugged.

“You shoulda told me. I woulda picked it up for you.” He didn't like the idea of you going out of your way for him. It was something he had trouble getting used to while being with you because he never wanted to inconvenience you.

“Well, next time we'll go together. Save the trouble.” You tease. Diverting his attention by pulling him into you, wrapping your arms around his neck while his came to your hips.

You bring him in for a soft, slow kiss. The kind that made him seem to sink into you.

He likes the idea of doing something so domestic with you. He always thought he was fine with being alone.

That was until he met you.

Now a trip to the grocery store sounds like the best way he could spend an evening.

He can’t stop himself from imagining how much of the cart you’d fill with random items. You’d swear it was because you had some sort of craving, but he’d know it was more likely that you’d gone on an empty stomach and were just hungry.

Breaking the kiss, he smiles at the prospect. “Okay.” He replied sincerely.

You release him so that he can continue to unpack the groceries, standing to the side of him and watching. “So, Chef Carmen. What's on the menu?”

“Chef Carmen?” He raised an eyebrow, letting out a chuckle.

“Stop, I'm taking this seriously.” You laugh. “You need inspiration for the menu and I'm trying to simulate a good environment for that.”

“I don't think a proper simulation involves you in the old Dio shirt you like to sleep in as a uniform.” Gesturing to your attire with a teasing grin.

“Fine, forget it. What's for dinner, Bear?” You relax, crossing your arms as you lean against the counter.

“Spaghetti.”

"Spaghetti? Hardly seems like something you'd put on the menu.” You questioned, confused.

“It probably won't be on the menu.”

“I thought that was the whole point of tonight? Practicing.”

That was the point originally, but the more he thought about what you would like and how the night would go he didn't want to practice.

He wanted to take work out of the equation completely.

It was obvious you were excited about tonight and he wanted a dish to match the energy of an evening with you.

Something warm and comforting.

“I changed my mind. It’s uh- kinda a family thing. Thought you'd like it.” He tries to sound nonchalant, but it comes out unsure as he spares a glance your way.

“Spaghetti sounds great.” You said softly, a small smile gracing your face.

He has to change the subject quickly before he abandons the idea of cooking completely in favor of you.

He clears his throat as he starts prepping the ingredients for the sauce. “What are we watching?”

“Well, I wanted to pick something I thought you’d like, but since you don’t watch a lot of stuff already I had to gamble with my favorites. First is The Thing since I talked about practical effects. It’s horror, but I don’t think it’s really scary in case that bothers you. The other isss-” You pause to drum your hands on the counter.

Carmen shook his head with a smile and laughed. This is why he likes you.

One of the many reasons he likes you.

You were weird but in a good way. Having the ability to be effortlessly fun in a way he could never be.

“Ferris Bueller's Day Off!” You beamed. “An obvious choice, I know, but I figured it’s the reason we’re having this night in the first place. Plus, it kinda has a little of everything. Friendship, romance, adventure and it takes place in Chicago! A little bit of a 180 from The Thing, but hopefully you’ll like it. It was hard to narrow it down to just two.”

“I feel like this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk.” He teases with a small grin.

He can see an immediate change in your body language. Suddenly turning shy for the first time tonight. He curses himself for mentioning it in the first place.

He was good at nothing if not ruining a good thing.

“It’s easy to talk about things I like,” you take in a deep breath, fidgeting with your hands “with someone I, yknow, really like.” Moving the strands of hair that had fallen in your face as your eyes focus on the floor.

Oh.

He pauses, thoughtfully. It was often hard for him to approach direct conversations, especially ones centered around feelings. But he knew if there was ever a time to try it would be for you. “Well-uh, those sound good. Maybe we could do another night? For the other ones you had in mind.”

The olive branch is all you need to perk up. Going right back to the bubbly personality he became accustomed to with you.

“Yes! Okay, I have so many ideas. A close runner-up was The Lost Boys. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about vampires though. And Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice was a good one and I heard they’re doing a remake so we could watch both if you like it and compare-“ You continue to ramble as Carmen listens intently. Nodding along to everything you're saying as he cooks for you.

______________________________________________________________

The dishes have long been forgotten on the coffee table. Empty since the first half of The Thing.

You’ve both settled back into the couch with large blankets and at least half a dozen snacks you picked up on the way from work because you insisted that ‘people enjoy movies more with fun snacks’.

It's logic he’s not quite sure he agrees with, but when it came down to the two of you he wouldn’t claim to be the expert.

Now onto the next movie, Jennifer Grey is front and center on the screen as her character sits in the police station.

You stare ahead, almost hypnotized. “Yknow she had been in a couple things at this point, but I think I read somewhere that her role in this is what helped her get Dirty Dancing. It came out a year after.”

“Is that one you wanted me to watch? Dirty Dancing?”

He didn’t want to admit it, but he’d seen it before. It was something Sugar had played once when taking over the tv in the living room and he was forced to watch that or nothing at all. It wasn’t a movie he remembered in great detail, just that he was able to sit through it.

He was thankful Mikey and Richie weren’t around that day or he never would’ve heard the end of it.

You shrug, still transfixed by the screen. “Yeah, if you’re down for it. It would only be my second time so it’ll be pretty new for the both of us.”

“You only saw it once?” He asks curiously.

“Yeah, last month.”

He paused, looking over at you.

Sensing his gaze you turned to him and locked eyes. “What?”

“So you’re givin’ me all this shit about missin’ out on 80s pop culture when you didn't even see one of ‘em until a month ago.”

“I love the movie genre. It doesn't make me an expert! Plus, I used to get creeped out by the age gap between her and Patrick Swayze. But they do this flashback cinema thing at the movies sometimes and I thought ‘How often do people our age get to say they've seen Dirty Dancing in theaters?’ I figured if I was gonna give it a real shot I should watch it the way it was intended.” Your eyes lock back on the screen as a sheepish smile appears.

He just continues to look your way. “Did you like it?”

A grin breaks out on your face and you turn to him once again.

“I kinda loved it.” Your nose scrunching a bit. “I was wrong! I was totally wrong. The soundtrack was great. The choreography was hot. Even though the age thing creeped me out I did end up liking their relationship a lot. I mean, their chemistry was unreal. I guess you could say that about most romantic films, but I don't know… It felt different. Maybe because I built it up in my head?”

You let out a small laugh, turning back to the tv. “As soon as I left the theater I played the soundtrack and sang to it the whole way home.”

A moment passes as he looks between you and the screen.

He leans close to you, putting an arm around your shoulder, and whispers, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”

You turn to him so quickly he thinks you might have whiplash.

“Hey! You got one!” You giggle.

Smiling at him, you once again turned your attention to the movie. Only this time scooting closer to rest your head on his shoulder.

As the movie goes on, shared laughs and your mumblings of the dialogue can be heard filling the small apartment.

Towards the end, he goes to make a joke. When he gets no response he looks down to find you asleep on his shoulder.

Captivated by how peaceful you look, the voice of Ferris pulls him back to reality.

“Yup, I said it before and I'll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Leaning down, he places a kiss on your forehead before laying his head against yours.

He's glad he didn't miss this.

[papirouge]

This exchange made me realize that many of you tend to forget that Carmy is a late bloomer who never had any girlfriend before Claire which actually explains his awkward behavior. I know it because I too am an awkward late bloomer (around the same age as Carmy and sharing a lot of common with him) and his behavior totally made sense to me lol

I want you all to keep in mind that when you've been closed off romantic elationships for your entire life, you're not handling them the same way people who started dating in their teens or young adult years (Carmy is most likely in his early 30s and never got into any relationships before).

Carmy, like any late bloomer, was used to never being considered romantically, which explains why he freaked out when Claire started flirting with him and stopped thinking rationally (which is very unfamiliar for emotionally avoidant type like Carmy or I - we'll come back to this later). I understand Carmy's move of giving a false number to Claire yet still accepting to go out with her later may be confusing to many people, but as a fellow late bloomer I immediately clocked it : we are not comfortable with the attention people give to us, but we *know* this behavior is not normal/unhealthy so Carmy eventually giving in may be a way of eventually getting into the mold and abide to the "if you don't open up to others and give them chances, how can you expect building actual relationships?" mantra. Because deep down we want to be like others (because being so closed off all the time can become emotionally draining) and seek to find a way to fit in.

Another thing about people like Carmy/emotional avoidant type is that by being so closed off to the world, we are also extremely deceptive about who we truly are. It makes sense to me that Carmy hides his feelings for Syd and would rather project them onto Claire. That's definitely manipulative, but we'd rather do that than get "uncovered". We tend to think very rationally and our sense of self perseveration is incredibly strong. I just know that howing his bare feelings has to be one of the most terrifying and embarrassing thing for Carmy.

We also don't mind getting confused as someone we are not in which we feel some sort of relief because it keeps our real self away from others perception (if that make sense???). Carmy passing himself as "Logan" in that party -while being quite extreme- is totally on brand actually lol. I regularly get mistaken as a male (I'm lowkey gnc) but I never bother correcting people lol I'm fine being whatever they see me as, as long it's not the real me.

Talking about self preservation: we don't ask and don't tell. Carmy sister being mad at him for never asking her whether she was okay was extremely relatable because I tend to get the same reproach from my own sisters. Very typical of us. Fleeing to the other side of the globe to cope with a family member death is something I *get* because we are avoidant in nature. We can also be insane hustlers and tend to cope with grief or unhealed emotions through work.

On the positive side, we are extremely independent and self reliant. The scene in the fridge (last episode of season 2) where Carmy loses his shit and says he was mad at himself for indulging in all "this bullshit" (= love and relationships) I FELT THAT. Countless times I prayed to God to remove from my heart my "shameful" longing for love & intimacy that I always felt hindered me in my quest for excellence & satisfaction in any other aspect of my life. Because we are very rational & practical people and lowkey despise "useless" stuff like relationships and feelings. And that's where the messed up part comes up.

I wouldn't be surprised Carmy lowkey despises Claire for being so clingy and courting him so openly. As I just said, we tend to look down on (bold) displayal of love and emotion which lowkey repulse us. I think that's why Carmy dislikes his sister's husband when he's an all around good guy. He may have a resentment (and even jealousy?) against this man that has no issue showing affection - not only to his sister, but also the rest of the family. Which Carmy still struggles to do so far.

This may also explain why Carmy is suddenly so cold with Claire when he's serving her at the table (beside him allegedly previously making up his mind to break up with her). That's why the moment he hears that voicemail of Claire saying she "loves him" he THROWS AWAY his phone. Because that's disgusting.

I think the CarmyxSyd dynamic is unique because there's a dimension of respect between both. They share the same passion for cuisine, and Sydney constantly pushes Carmy out of his comfort zone. As an avoidant emotional attachment type myself, when I think of the type of people I potentially could be attracted to, I can only think of people I have deeply respect for, and bring objective value into my life AND skills. I've seen people criticize the fact that Sydney was pretty much a "warrior worker" for Carmy (and pretty much the whole Bear crew) and that's true. But regardless it's a good or bad thing, that's pretty much the type of profile that may attract avoidant emotional type of people. Bonding through work & shared passion is our safest field to build romantic connection through. That's why Carmy made Syd sign a partnership agreement instead of a marriage contract 💅🏾 that's the safest way for him to convey his feelings.

Again, we are very rational people and in every type of relationship, we instinctively jauge whether & how this person might be useful for us. It doesn't mean we built relationship with people depending on whether they can be useful for us or not, but that's definitely in a part of our head somewhere. Yes, that's fucked up (1/because we are 2/that's why emotionally distant people can become pretty unlikable - i.e Carmy carmying), but you have to keep that in mind to understand how Carmy moves. Which tracks back to Claire's actual purpose I've elaborated just before. He definitely uses her, but most likely unknowingly.

[noellawrites]

Not Much of a Life - Yandere!Carmy Berzatto x reader

summary: on the run from your small town, you find a job waitressing at the newly reopened restaurant, The Bear. but you have no idea what's in store when the owner develops an obsession with you.

warnings: rape, breeding kink, stalking, obsession, domestic violence mention.

Armed with coffee in one hand and red-circled newspaper in the other, you made your way down Orleans Street. Right now, your mission was to check out two job listings: a vacuum store and a vape store. Online, they both looked a bit shabby, but you couldn’t be too picky.

As you looked around, a half-constructed storefront caught your eye. Even with the letters taken down, you could see the sun-bleached remnants on the sign: The Original Beef of Chicagoland.

Cupping your eyes, you stared through the glass. Two white men, one around your age and one a few decades older, argued as they worked together to move a countertop.

A girl around your age with long locs tied in a bandana stood on a ladder, laughing at the men as she painted over the dirty white walls.

You could see a flurry of activity in the kitchen, too. It looked like about ten people were working on various building and electrical pursuits in order to revamp The Beef.

Without a second thought, you banged on the glass and caught the attention of the two arguing men.

The older one with facial hair swung the door open, almost hitting you.

"Uh, hello! I saw you guys were working in here and I was wondering if you might be hiring?" you asked sheepishly, as the man frowned at you.

"No, sorry sweetheart," he said, pulling the door closed.

"Jesus, cousin, don't be an asshole," the other guy, with lots of tattoos and piercing blue eyes, said as he grabbed the door.

"You got any experience?"

"I waited tables in high school, I can make coffee and cook some basic stuff," you offered.

"We need a waitress. Come back next Saturday, we'll be getting ready to open. You got a phone?" He said all in one breath, running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, here," you said, handing your phone to the man as he entered in his contact information.

"My schedule's open, I can basically work anytime. I could really use the money," you explained.

"Good, 'cause I'm sure as hell not lettin' Richie wait on customers anymore," he said, earning a "hey!" from the older man.

"Thank you--" you began, looking down at your phone as he handed it back to you, "Carmy. My name's (y/n), it's nice to meet you." You said, outstretching your hand to shake.

The moment your hands touched, you felt a jolt, almost like a spark. "I'll see you in a week," Carmy said, as you stared into his gorgeously blue eyes.

You nodded, stepping back and walking towards the L stop.

--

Carmy Berzatto had never felt like this, ever. He was always too busy to fall in love, moving from one thing to the next, perfecting his art, running the restaurant. Instead, he told himself he was perfectly fine with jerking off to meaningless porn on the nights he felt a little lonely. But that night, his mind was preoccupied with something entirely different: you.

He practically counted down the hours until you returned for your first day, the day before the grand opening of The Bear.

He found the perfect uniform for you at Goodwill. A professional dress in the same dark blue as the kitchen's aprons. It was the right size but he asked Sugar to hem it anyway, selfishly wanting to see the skin of your thighs as you carried out your duties.

Once you put the dress on, you grinned and threw your arms around Carmy, telling him how much you loved it and couldn't wait to get to work.

At family meal, you learned about the employees' lives and they asked about yours. You confessed that you were currently sleeping on your friend's couch in her apartment downtown. You'd recently moved from a small Midwestern town, wanting to experience life in the city. Your money was running low, and it had been difficult to find a job in Chicago post-covid. But nonetheless, you were excited to be there.

You felt everyone's eyes on you, analyzing your words and behavior. You'd obviously been pulled in by the glamour of city life, but hadn't been ready for reality's smack in the face.

--

The first few months of work had lulled you into a routine. Wake up, get dressed, run to the L train, ride it to the east side, walk to The Bear, all while it was still pitch-black outside. In the evenings, you did it all again, sometimes stopping at a bar before heading back to your friend's apartment.

You'd just been approved for your own place, a cheap studio apartment in an area close to The Bear. You really did love your job, despite Carmy acting a bit odd towards you. You figured he was still adjusting to managing the restaurant.

You had no idea that you'd slowly consumed Carmy Berzatto's thoughts, his life, his very being.

His every waking moment was filled with thoughts of you. You, pulling your dress off for him. Stomach round from his seed, a new maternity dress, waiting tables while heavily pregnant. Raising his children, taking them to their Aunt Sugar's. Pinning you against the wall, screaming at you. Punching the drywall beside you, making you flinch. Tears running down your face as he takes what belongs to him. You didn't have much of a life anyways. A couch-surfing runaway with drugstore makeup and hair filled with dry shampoo. You only had a life because of his generosity.

--

Your first date with Carmy was at a bar down the street. It was after work but you'd both lied about it, not wanting everyone to know you both shit where you ate.

You didn't even make it to the bar, just to the alley next to it. The stench of garbage filled your nostrils as Carmy unbuckled his pants and unzipped his fly.

You started to protest but Carmy clamped a hand over your mouth as he fished his dick out of his underwear.

"I've wanted this since the day I met you. God, I can't believe I waited this long. Cousin told me I had to take what I fuckin' want, ‘n you're mine now.”

You tried to scream and push Carmy away, eyes wide with fear. Carmy stuffed his fingers in your mouth, pressing harder and effectively muffling you.

You choked on his fingers at the back of your throat as his penis entered your vagina with a violent push. It was one of the most painful things you'd ever experienced, and you were paralyzed with fear.

You could see the outline of his muscles and the tattoos on his arms as he jerked into you, violating you with every push. Tears clouded your eyes and you prayed that he would stop soon. Your stomach tightened with fear and unwilling pleasure as Carmy released inside of you with a groan. You came soon after, whimpering on his fingers in your mouth as you shuddered in pleasure.

"I knew you wanted me. Without me, you'd be on the fucking streets," he snarled into your ear in a cruel tone you'd never heard before.

You had seeped into the cracks between Carmy's nightmares from New York, filling his head with softness and pleasure. He couldn't just dream about you anymore, he needed the real thing. And now, you didn't have much of a choice.

[moonlight-sonata99]

Walk the line

Trigger warnings: domestic fights,talk about addiction, suicide mentions. Loss. Alot of cussing.

No.1

Mikey

Carmy Berzatto x reader

A/n: I love carmy bro - but yea, this is uh..a passion project, honestly. I haven't wrote in a hot minute. But..I feel confident. Btw. This story will focus alot on addiction, not the Reader specifically, though. But her dad.

Slow burn/angst/comedy

The sounds of furniture falling and glass breaking behind the door as it Slams open and her face is red and her chest rises up and down quickly as the man behind her on the floor his cheek red from the hit he received from his daughter as his wife stands beside shocked, unable to move the only sound was them getting their stuff and leaving before making their way out the door they looks back and points their finger at the man who's cheeks are red his left a bit bloody

"Dont fucking talk to me unless you've been sober for a year. you hear me?" They breathe out as their mom calls out to them as they turn their back to their parents and rush away. Only leaving the cries of their mother and their father left on the floor as the sound of the ambulance gets closer and closer. 

That was a while ago.

Since then, i think i've done well. Maybe. Got a job at some restaurant,the boss is cool. The coolest boss I might have had Honestly. Micheal Berzatto, AKA… Mikey, I've known him about… maybe a few months now? It's been a while since I've been "away" from home, anyways yea. Been working at this cool joint called the beef. Everyone feels like one big friend group. Yeah, it's really nice. I got a nice apartment, too. Well, " nice" is better than any other house that deadbeat ever got us.

 Anyways, yeah. I hope you've been well ma. I sent you money with this. Don't try to send it back. And don't let that asshole see you with it.

I'm doing good, So don't worry.

With much love. 

"Hey,speaking of assholes, what's the big deal with this brother?" You ask, looking down at the piece of onion you were cutting as mikey cooked behind you. 

"Asshole? Ooh you mean my brother carmy? " He replies, keeping his gaze on the meat. 

"yeah"

"Well there's a lot to say about him " he breathes out but a smile can obviously be detected in his voice 

"Well then tell me about him genius" 

"hes not your type " Tina chimes in as the rest laugh,

"Thats not- Okay, maybe that's why i asked. But if you really say so, " you reply, shrugging and putting the knife down and leaving the onions to grilI as - you turned to look at him. But he kept his back to you as he began to speak.

"no yeah- Carm… little brother Carmen. he's a chef in some fancy restaurant, nice right? " He admitted, watching the knife gliding through the meat smoothly.

"for real?" you gasped out looking at his back,

"for fucking real."

Remembering when that had happened. Mikey had a smile on his face when he spoke about his brother. Later on, you learned the two weren't on speaking terms. A part of you cursed yourself out of even having the gall to ask about a slightly  sensitive topic, but another part of yourself felt...good to know at least he didn't hate his brother, Who'd want to hate their own siblings? 

You knew better than to intervene.

It was february 21st, as you gathered your sweater, in the corner of your eye, you noticed Michael sitting in his office looking at a small white envelope. 

"Hey, mikey," you guy, as you knocked lightly before entering his office, and he looked up his eyes, meeting yours.

" hey- " he coughed  " hey whats up? " he said, rubbing his nose with the tips of his fingers. 

" I should be asking you that '' you reply, putting on your bag.' You okay ? You've been… out of it these past few days. '' You say, tilting your head slightly.

"Im good" he mumbles out his hand over his mouth as he nods. 

" Okay … if you ever need anything, just call me. Okay?" 

" Gotcha," he says as you nod and make your way outside.

"hey uh be careful " he yells out as you heal out the door and the leans against his office door frame as you turn your head back to look at him.

" Yeah you too mikey" 

Hey ma, me again. It's been a hot  minute since I sent you a message. in terms of like… talking. i just wanted to check up on you. Make sure everything is okay, y'know? i'll be honest. I haven't been doing so well. if were being honest…  I lost a friend. a good friend. Mikey, he Uh… Comitted  suicide. and i don't know how to feel. Well,I feel sad. I spent… all week crying. 

Yea i have brothers, but Mikey felt like the brother I never had.

due to moving so much as a kid, i didn't have any friends.

no girlfriends, boyfriends.

i didn't want any if i'm honest.

but Mikey changed that.In terms of friendship I mean.

i remember when i first met him, i was about to blow him off because he was pestering me about his  restaurant. i mean, i was working for Petes sake. But he was loud,

and i gave in.

after that he let me into his family, albeit made of people working in a restaurant.

you know that thing when Companies say their employees are family and it's usually bullshit??

Yea,Mikey always meant that shit. 

 

Ritchie told me his brothers were coming to take over. I'm not sure how to feel about it . The asshole didn't even come his funeral. Anyway, yeah, that what has been up with me. Sorry for suddenly dumping all of this on you.

i lost a good friend. 

A/n: I really like writing for this series, honestly. Please tell me if you guys want more :]

[phantomoftheorpheum]

The Bear Season 3 Thoughts

Okay, I first want to say that obviously these are opinions! They are subjective. This is also quite a casual compilation of my thoughts, I didn't spend a long time trying to perfect my wording, which I think will be pretty evident.

Anyway, I love The Bear, I remember watching that first trailer and I was so excited for season 1 to drop, I just knew it was gonna be my kind of show. This is a show that makes me laugh, cry, stress, etc. However, like every other show in existence, it's not a perfect show, and I think season 3 in particular showcased some decisions/issues that I'm hoping will be handled a bit differently in season 4. I have some popular opinions and some unpopular opinions, but that's everyone, right?

Just a warning, this is long. I have a tendency to ramble.

*Spoilers from 1x01-3x10 of The Bear

The Good Stuff First!

The Tina Episode!!! I loved "Napkins" and even though Tina's antagonism at the beginning of season 1 was already understandable, getting these layers of her home life, the foundation of her relationship and loyalty to Michael and The Beef, her fears for her job stability, her jealousy of the opportunities of youth, etc. was just incredible. And Ayo directed it beautifully! I have cried over Tina's emotions multiple times in every season. Liza is so fantastic and can give you so much emotional complexity with her face. Gorgeous job as always. I hope they continue to spotlight her in future episodes, because she brings such a lovely balance of determination, hopefulness, warmth, and humor to her scenes.

I also loved getting to see this side of Michael in 3x06, since what we last saw of him was so, so dark. I think it's very interesting to get to see Michael through various people's eyes, because they see and remember different sides of him. The way Carmy remembers Michael is different from the way Tina does is different from the way Richie does. And that's how real relationships are. We don't show every side of ourselves to every person. I also really liked getting to see Michael talk to someone who doesn't know Carmy about Carmy, because it made me realize that Mikey very much had as incomplete of an understanding of Carmy as Carmy did of him. I think it was already very evident that Mikey cutting Carmy out was something he did as an attempt to protect him (and likely also due to shame/not wanting Carmy to know about his struggles), we've been able to gather that since season 1. And in a lot of ways, it worked. Carmy got out. He excelled, and dreamed, and learned, and succeeded. But it also damaged Carmy a lot more than I think Michael ever realized. Carmy saw it as a rejection, as not being good enough, as Michael not believing in him, and he's been trying to prove him wrong ever since (and still, clearly, is). We might be able to see what Mikey did ultimately as an act of love, but that is not how Carmy experienced it, and that's valid, too, even though Carmy's desperation for validation (which is literally impossible for him to ever earn from Michael at this point) is not an excuse for how he has treated others around him. Carmy clearly needs to find a way not to only view himself through the lens of other people's validation (or lack thereof). Easier said than done, obviously. Anyway, 3x06 was fantastic in every way and it's my favorite individual episode of the season.

In what feels like an unpopular opinion, I actually really liked 3x01. I know it was a divisive episode, and I can see where the criticisms are coming from, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the nonlinear timeline, the minimal dialogue, finally really piecing together Carmy's journey. I just enjoyed it. I also appreciate the fact that The Bear isn't a show that is afraid to try things. Sometimes those choices will land more with the audience than others, but it feels very refreshing in an age where so much of what is made plays everything incredibly, exhaustingly safe. I don't think it's a show that has ever intended to speak to everybody, and 3x01 is a good example of that. On a personal level, it ticked a lot of boxes for me as an editor, and I found myself so fascinated by the choices and time/craft that I know went into them. This was not something you see everyday, and I liked that, but I can also see why some people didn't. It really requires a lot of patience from the viewer, and it's a shift from what we're used to from this show itself.

Richie, Tiff, Frank, and Eva. Richie is such a great character, and I really liked getting a little more of a glimpse of his family situation in this season. I hope there's even more in season 4 (I hope we get to see the wedding). The amount that he has grown, while not being a completely different or perfect person (struggling with his place in his daughter's life, self doubt still being big for him, how hurt he is by Carmy's words, his stubbornness in his fight with Carmy & disagreeing with him even when he agrees just to spite him, etc.). I love how his relationships with Natalie and Sydney have grown so much. I loved watching his scene with Tiff this season, because I think it shows how far Richie has come and how much he really loves his daughter and Tiff. I also think this storyline is so relatable to a lot of people. Navigating a divorce and a new relationship with children is tough, but it's something a lot of people go through. The fact that they seem to be making it work, despite how hard it is for everyone, is really nice. And I love the showcase of "Just because you love someone a lot, that doesn't mean your romantic relationship will or should work out." Richie is just a great, beautifully flawed character.

The return of Donna. In a season where a lot of storylines were left completely up in the air, getting some kind of emotional resolution with Donna and Nat felt really important. It's not that their relationship issues are fully resolved, obviously, but the tension of "is it even possible for Natalie to have any kind of relationship with her mother?" is finally addressed. It's never going to be a perfect relationship, but there is hope in it. I've also seen this episode criticized for "nothing happening," but I think a lot happened! It's just that it happened internally. And internal progress is just as important (sometimes more important), than external progress. Watching this episode felt very cathartic to me because I felt like we got to see Nat do what Carmy cannot (in this season), which is to look at her relationship with her mother, which is not a good one, and understand that neither she nor Donna will ever be able to change the past, but they can try to move forward. It may or may not work, but they can try. And Natalie can be brave enough to open herself up for potential disappointment (and hopefully establish healthy boundaries), because the risk is worth it to her. Loved that. Both actresses were also phenomenal in this episode, imo. This is another episode that requires some patience from the viewers, but I think it is richly emotionally rewarding if you let yourself just be in it.

Olivia Coleman (Chef Terry)! I feel like that's explanation enough.

Carmy & Marcus. Personally, I haven't seen people talk about this much, but I feel like Carmy's relationship with Marcus, while only getting a small amount of time, was such a key part of the season because of how they are alike and how they are different. They're characters who are both passionate about what they do, both have a tendency to get at least a little lost in it and neglect other things/responsibilities, but Marcus has this beautiful ultimately positive outlook on life that Carmy lacks, while Carmy has the knowledge and experience that Marcus really respects and hopes to one day achieve. I feel Carmy's kindest moments of the season come during his support/mentorship of Marcus. Carmy is able to instill more confidence in Marcus, and give him space to explore, and Marcus is able to look past some of Carmy's worst character flaws and appreciate his artistry and passion. Since Carmy is so low this season, him having these encouraging/supportive moments, where we see that he did pick up some of the really good lessons in mentorship from some of the chefs he worked with (and not just the bad), with Marcus felt very important to me. While we didn't get a full Marcus-centric episode this season, I thought he was very good when we did see him. I wonder if Marcus may eventually (like possibly at the end of the show, depending on how long it runs) get an opportunity to go to an esteemed culinary school. He's always shown a lot of interest in the experimental, techincal, and academic side of the craft, as well as the artistry, so I could see him jumping at an opportunity like that.

The acting in general! Another season of fantastic performances! I really don't know what else to say about that.

The commitment to continuing to really flesh out side characters. Obviously the biggest example of this in this season is Tina, followed by Donna, but I love the small moments we get with characters like Ebra, Pete, Sweeps, Luca near the end, and even Fak (Neil).

Luca. I really like Luca and feel like he is a character with a lot of potential! I would totally be on board with him being a regular cast member. I think he has great energy and chemistry with everyone, and it was interesting to see the nerdy and less confident side of him (when surrounded by esteemed chefs), adding another dimension to his character. I feel like he already has a lot of potential to be involved in several storylines (Carmy's, Sydney's, Marcus'). I don't know if there's any chance of getting him as a regular in season 4, but I would love it. They did mention he's sticking around for a while, so I hope that's what that was foreshadowing.

A dive into Carmy's trauma/dysfunction. Okay, so I'm going to be talking a lot about Carmy in my critical section, so before we get there, I want to acknowledge what I liked about his arc (or half of one) this season. I feel like I get Carmy. I relate to a lot of his negative qualities. I, too, am a perfectionist with obsessive tendencies who has impossibly high standards for themselves. I, too, often get stuck in a negative feedback loop, where I avoid conflict and hyper-fixate on something else to justify it. I, too, struggle to open up to people in a meaningful way, to be genuinely emotionally vulnerable, and kind of shut down when I'm hurt. And I, too, know all of that about myself, can recognize it from a distant, theoretical standpoint, but still struggle to not fall into that kind of behavior when put under stress. I also have a complicated relationship with my older sibling, so there's that. I get Carmy. I have a lot of empathy for Carmy. I think he sometimes doesn't get enough credit from the fans for his positive qualities, because his negative qualities are massive, driving forces in each season. So, aside from the deep dive into the unhealthy ways we process trauma, here's what I think is positive about Carmy's arc this season- I think the writer's know what they're doing with Carmy, even if I don't totally agree with how they've paced it. For a little while, I was concerned that maybe they had lost sight of how to handle Carmy and pushed him too far, just as a character in general, but the last 2 episodes of the season reaffirmed to me that they are, at the very least, aware of how far they have pushed him, and they know exactly where they're going with him. Does that mean I agree with the pacing of this now? No, I still think this could be improved significantly, but at least it feels intentional. Maybe I'll change my mind when I see how things play out in season 4.

This is a show that cares. It isn't always perfect, but it always cares. One thing that I've seen as a criticism, I actually thought was perfect (maybe I'm the one reading the scene wrong, you can let me know your thoughts), but I saw people say that the details were sloppy this season, and specifically citing the fact that Sydney makes a fennel salad in season 1, but is served something else by Carmy due to a "fennel allergy" in this season. When I saw this in the episode, I thought it was brilliant attention to detail, because my reading of the scene was that there is no allergy, Carmy just says that so he can rebel against Chef David's orders and serve the dish the way he wants to. I assumed the fennel allergy was chosen by the writers specifically because, if we notice, it is a confirmation that Carmy is lying. I still think that's the point, but maybe I'm wrong.

Another thing I really respect about this show is that I don't think they make really many (or any) of their creative decisions based off of fan response. Now, don't get me wrong, I think there is a lot of value in flexibility and willingness to adjust when something isn't working or when it receives solid constructive criticism. I respect being able to raise your hand and say, "hey, you're right, that wasn't the best," and make a change. But I also really respect not allowing loud opinions to fundamentally change the story you're telling, just for popularity points. I think The Bear, due to a lot of attention on social media and the awards circuit, has grown past the audience that it is really made for. There are a lot of people watching (or trying to watch) who absolutely never would have if they didn't see so much chatter about it online. And that's fine! I have certainly tried shows out of my comfort zone for the same reason. Some worked for me and broadened my horizons, and some didn't. But The Bear does not seem to care about adhering to "popular" tropes, storylines, filming style, editing style, etc. just for the sake of mainstream validation. When it does do those things, it very much feels like it does so because the creatives behind the show want to, not because of external pressure. And that's going to alienate some people. That's not always going to land well. It's probably going to come off (or even just be) pretentious sometimes. But I would always rather watch something that was clearly a passion project, even if I don't really get it or it ultimately doesn't really work for me, than something designed specifically for mass appeal and without a soul. So, to me, this is a huge net positive.

The Less Good Stuff

Let's talk about the elephant in the room- "To Be Continued..." The double renewal for season 3 & 4 clearly changed their approach to the pacing/storytelling this season, and I'm not personally convinced it was for the best. I love that there's going to be a season 4, and I love that they got an opportunity to leave some big things unresolved because they knew it wasn't going to be the end, but... this really is just 3A and 3B and the fact that it ends with "To Be Continued..." means they absolutely know this, too. I guess it's better that it's an intentional choice, but it does make season 3 feel incomplete, and it doesn't really stand up on its own. It may be 10 episodes, but it is half of a story. That's not necessarily a bad thing (I think this isn't usually such a problem once it ages, because people who are watching in the future will be able to jump from season 3 straight into season 4, and it won't feel as grueling), but it is a different thing from the first two seasons. And I don't love it. Personally, I think they could have paced some of the storylines a bit differently, so we were closing a few more smaller arcs out to give the end of the season a sense of resolution, even with big things hanging over our heads. The fact that the season has left nearly every storyline completely up in the air is a bit much, imo. I think season 3 is the weakest individual season so far, and it's really all tied back to the pacing.

Okay. Time to tackle Carmy. I love Carmy. I actually, really do. He's very flawed, very layered, and feels like a fully realized human. However... I am, quite frankly, tired of Carmy being so low. I know he's the main character, and therefore a lot of the driving drama centers on him, but he's been in a downward spiral for (imo) a bit too long now, and I just need... some little ray of hope for him. The season 2 finale felt like a low, but then all of season 3 just got worse. And I am tired. I think this pacing is on purpose, but I am too tired, and I think a lot of people feel the same way. I will say, the last two episodes gave me some hope that he has seen the light (a little). I hope it will not take the entirety of season 4 to mend some of these fences and face some of his actions (I don't expect him to suddenly be a different person, but I don't want to spend 10 episodes of season 4 with him only dealing with stuff head on at the end), because he genuinely becomes difficult for me to like, despite all the empathy I have for him, by the midpoint this season. Again, I think they meant to do this, but I also, personally, think it's a little too grueling. And if this is the pacing they wanted to go with, I think it would have been nice to see at least a few more glimmers of Carmy's positive qualities, to remind us why we like him in the first place.

Carmy & Richie, Carmy & Syd, Carmy & Claire, Carmy & Nat. I think one of the reasons I'm struggling so much with Carmy throughout is that absolutely none of his closest relationships make any positive forward progress this season (this is part of the reason I feel like the Carmy & Marcus scenes were so important, because he doesn't get a lot of other vulnerable moments with anyone else this season), and, again, I think it's just a little too much. I understand that Carmy basically shutting himself off from his life is part of the arc, but I think that could have come across and still moved at least one of these relationships a little bit forward. I get why they didn't want to resolve Carmy & Claire yet (they knew they had season 4 and based on the falling out they had, there really did need to be time away from each other). I get why Carmy & Sydney are in a rough place, it's important for her storyline, and so I get that, but... Carmy & Nat are also not communicating this season. I feel like even at serious low points in previous seasons, Nat would still tell him what's what. And here's the thing, I get that she's distracted and has her own stuff to deal with, but it still stretches the believability a bit for me because the restaurant is her job, too. It's not as if she is working elsewhere and having a baby and just doesn't have time to deal with Carmy. His behavior is literally central to her job and having negative impacts on literally everyone around her. That she would just bite her tongue when this puts her and nearly everyone she cares about in a precarious position just feels off. In this season, everyone who would normally confront Carmy about his choices basically just completely give up on that after 3x02, and this feels to me like a choice made for the plot, not necessarily reflecting the established character relationships. But the big one for me that doesn't land is Carmy & Richie. Because they are handled by being separated entirely. I wish they had more scenes together. Would those scenes probably be arguments? Yeah, okay, mostly. But the fact that they basically don't speak after 3x02 takes one of the best dynamics of the show out of play for an entire season. Personally, I think Carmy & Richie reaching at least some stable ground this season could have really improved things, and given us some sense of resolution, when so many other storylines are up in the air. Even if they didn't clear the air entirely, but they came to a kind of grudging truce, that would have helped, imo. Even if all of Carmy's other relationships were still on the rocks, if we got a really cathartic, vulnerable moment between Carmy & Richie, I think it would have helped inject just a little more hope into this season.

Too many Faks (AKA, too much of a good thing). I love Fak (Neil) and I even like Ted, but I think Sammy was a bridge too far. Not only was the choice of guest star a bit too jarring, imo (it just feels like he's in a different show from everyone else? and unlike the other cameos, I was never able to let go of the fact that I was watching a celebrity), I think they spent way too much time on it. I did like the duck bit, but overall, it felt tonally off. The extended scenes about "haunting" didn't really hit with me, and I feel like Fak (and/or the Faks) is at his best in small, strange, chaotic doses. I didn't mind their uncle, though, because his scene didn't take that much time. When we finally got around to the "haunting" conversation with Carmy (about Claire), I felt like I finally understood why this whole thing was even a thing, but I also felt it was just a clunky/poorly paced way to do it. A ton of set up for minimal payoff.

Sydney. Okay, before you get upset with me, this is not me saying Sydney is bad this season, this is me saying I don't think they've totally done her character justice with the writing and pacing of this season (the, "this is really just 3A," thing strikes again). I have rewritten this section over and over because I'm really struggling to put into words what I mean here. I think the closest I can come is- I want more of Sydney's screen time to be about Sydney. I feel like a lot of her time this season went to scenes that were in service of other character's arcs. And it's not that I don't want any of those, like of course her relationships with other characters are important, and of course she can be in a scene that is mostly about someone else and that scene also be furthering her arc, I just felt like her individual arc was a little stalled out, and (basically same complaint as Carmy's, except for Sydney is much more enjoyable than him this season) due to how they paced this, it felt a bit too slow to me. However I have a lot of hopes that season 4 will be more Sydney-centric and faster paced in a lot ways, both in what we see from her, and how her choices (I am assuming that she will take the job, though I hope she doesn't leave The Bear forever) have a huge ripple effect on the other characters. I hope that means in season 4, we'll have more scenes where other character's are in service of Sydney's storyline and not the other way around. I think I completely get Sydney's storyline in 3, I just don't love the pacing of it (how many times can I say that I don't agree with season 3s pacing?). But I am so hopeful for Sydney in season 4. I think there is a ton of potential for a big showcase of Sydney growing, exploring, struggling, failing, persevering, and just generally discovering what she really wants, and I'm excited for it. I really love Ayo, and that last scene of Sydney this season gave me chills, so I am ready to see what she delivers in season 4.

The editing/pacing of the finale. Obviously I find a lot of the storylines too dragged out and slower than they should be, I've mentioned that a lot, but this is a more specific complaint about the last episode. As much as I praised The Bear earlier for having an artistic and creative vision and not compromising that for mainstream appeal, I definitely felt like the dinner at Ever could have been a lot shorter. It almost felt like, "hey, we invited all these real chefs and we don't want anyone to feel slighted, so we have to make sure to really feature all of them," and while it did relate to things Carmy & Sydney are feeling/thinking, it just dragged quite a bit. I also think some of the better lines got buried by so many different people making so many different points. It was slow. And hey, maybe this is one of those moments where the show isn't for me, and that's okay, but it doesn't make me like this scene any better.

Lack of warmth. I think one big thing missing from a lot of this season is the warmth that the first two seasons exude. Some of this is literal, the color palette at The Bear has shifted to mostly cool tones, so there is a visual coolness, but also the chaos feels cold. The chaos in the first 2 seasons had an endearing (though still stressful) quality to it, but the chaos in season 3 is largely just stressful. Again, I think this is an entirely intentional choice. It wants the atmosphere to feel clinical and impersonal and detached, it is reflective of Carmy's mental state, but the loss of that vibe just makes the show less fun, imo. And yes, the show is not about fun, but the higher highs of seasons 1 and 2 gave some much needed levity and contrast to the lows.

The Stuff I'm (Theoretically) Neutral About

Claire. It seems like everybody on the planet has a strong opinion about Claire. They hate her, think she's the worst/most boring character ever. Or they love her. Or they feel the need to fundamentally pit her and Sydney against each other and use one to tear down the other. Or they complain about her even existing. I don't mind Claire. I don't love Claire. I don't hate Claire. I still haven't passed judgement on Claire as an individual character. That feels like an unpopular opinion to have. Is anybody else neutral on Claire? I think she plays an important role to what they decided to do in season 2. She is Carmy's dream girl, she's been Carmy's dream girl for years. I think Claire is the living, breathing example that we get to see in real time of how Carmy romanticizes people that he feels intensely emotional about, and fails to see fully realized versions of them. He did it to Mikey, and then he does it to Claire. Imo, she seems "perfect" and 2 dimensional in season 2 because we only see her through Carmy's eyes, and he's romanticizing her and their relationship. I don't mind that in season 2. And she's barely in season 3 (even when we do see her, a lot of it is flashback and so is still solely through Carmy's eyes), so I don't feel like I can make any new judgments of her character. I think she genuinely is a nice, lovely person, and whether or not she interests me as a character is still up in the air. If she begins to play a larger, more present role in the narrative individually, then I'll expect them to reveal more layers to her. For now, I'm neutral. I'm not super for or against her. This kind of leads into my next point, which is-

Shipping. I'm not against shipping for this show, and romantic love is a dynamic that is great to explore. I'm just not personally all that invested in romance in this show in general. So, like, I love it from the standpoint of how it reveals things about the characters (like the scene with Richie and Tiff where we see Richie's familial love overcome the pain of his romantic love not working, or the lovely background stuff with Tina and her husband) and how it fits into character's overall arcs, and I'm open to exploring different romantic dynamics with different characters, I just don't feel super strongly about who those characters should be. It's very much on the back burner of my mind. I think they're definitely setting up Richie & Jess for something in that regard, that feels like a question that needs to be answered (even if the answer is no). I can see little hints towards several potential relationships, and I'm willing to walk down any path they want to go in this regard, as long as the show stays what it is and doesn't become a clichéd romantic drama (I don't think it will), but I just don't have strong feelings around this. That's open to change, but that's where I'm at right now.

My Season 4 Hopes

The Bear. I have some specific hopes for the restaurant. I think it's quite evident that things can't stay the same. What Carmy is trying to do is completely unsustainable. I do hope the restaurant is able to stay open (like it would be quite sad to lose the place, after so much work to keep it open and improve, etc.), but I also hope it goes through some major changes, obviously in the way it's run, but also in the way it looks. There's a gorgeous shot of Richie and Carmy in the penultimate episode, with Carmy in the kitchen and Richie in the dining room, and it is absolutely stunning. And it is also absolutely blue. Ever's light is very cold as well, and I don't mind that for that restaurant, but when we meet The Beef, it's this warm, chaotic, dirty, ugly mess. But it's also got a soul. The Bear in season 3 feels soulless, a lot of the time. And the shift from the warm yellow dominant tones of the first two seasons, to the cool blue dominant tones of season 3 creates this kind... unwelcoming feeling to viewers. Sure, it's intentional, absolutely, but I hope it isn't just going to be like this moving forward. I think the restaurant needs to stop trying to be Ever, stop trying to be all these other places Carmy has worked at, and get to some middle ground. Not quite The Beef, but also not quite The Bear (as we know it right now). Which, honestly, is what Carmy needs as well. I think there's a lovely opportunity to physically shift aspects of the restaurant to match Carmy's internal journey, which will hopefully have some positive movement in season 4.

Sydney-centric plot! As previously mentioned, I have a lot of hopes for how Sydney's storyline is going to go, and I hope we get to see more elements to her story, because even though she had a lot of screen time, so much of that is devoted to just building her frustration, but very little outside of that.

Cicero episode. Oliver Platt is awesome, and with the little bits we got about Cicero's money troubles, and how much he loves the Berzatto kids, I think I would really enjoy a Cicero episode.

A second character focused episode. There are a lot of options for this, but I want at least two episodes that spotlight character who we haven't gotten to see too much of yet.

Carmy sees the light, and not in the season 4 finale. I just think we need to start building him back up ASAP (doesn't have to be linear progress, but I gotta see something), because his season 3 was completely grueling and exhausting to watch.

Richie & the wedding. I love Richie's dynamics with his family, and I think this would be really fun. Particularly since it might be a chance to see a lot of the main characters gathered at a non-work related event (I don't know how close Tiff is various characters, but based on the Christmas episode, she has some kind of relationship with a lot of them, plus Tina mentions going to a Berzatto Christmas in season 1). The wedding feels like it could be an incredibly fun bottle episode.

If you're still here, hi and thanks for reading my very informal, very off the top of my head thoughts. I definitely feel like this season has been quite divisive and while I certainly have my criticisms, I feel like how they stick the landing in season 4 (or don't) will, in the more long term view, ultimately play a big part in how I feel about season 3.

As always, shoot me an ask if you've got thoughts to share!

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Syscarmy resets

02x03 - Sundae

Re-watching this scene again yesterday, and focusing on his phrasing, my mind wandered to "reset moments", or moments that mark a before and after breakthrough in our lives, which are never on demand. They just happen or they simply don't, but their timing is not under our control. We may wish for them to happen at some point, but whether or not they actually happen is not up to us. That's not how life works, and IMO is very naive to think otherwise, which is very Carmy because he's not the most mature tool on the shelf, which I went over in the post below:

That being said, when these reset moments do happen, they hardly ever aren't unannounced. Like I said, they just happen.

My take on Sydcarmy RESET moments is the following:

Carmy's resets

Season 1

Sydney Adamu: She reset his strength. He had plans for that place but not the strength to actually go through with them. Probably because of his mourning and his recent past in NYC, which can all be summed up in one word: TRAUMA. But because of Syd, his energy was reset. Maybe is too dramatic to say he found his will to live, to keep going because of her, but it wouldn't be too inaccurate. It kinda happened like that. That's why for him, it's all because of her. She's his representation of actually being able to "Keep going."

Season 2

Then came S2 and with it the "palate reset" he intended to be trying new stuff with Syd in Kasama, but actually unraveled quite differently. He ended up trying to be in a relationship with C and stuck in a walk-in.

C + fridge

Both things changed his perception based on GUILT:

Having failed Syd, changed his perception of what he had to do because, from that moment on, which we saw in the next season, his whole world started to revolve around making it up to her, so getting unstuck from that walk-in, actually stuck him on "compensation mode" and that took a turn for the worse throughout S3, he overdid it.

Season 3

Syd + Daniel

As I mentioned above, having let Syd down was another reset moment for him, both last season and in S3, because it reset his motivation. He was no longer trying to open a Family style, 2 tops, booths, etc. restaurant with her because "he wouldn't even wanna do it without her", from that moment on he was trying to make it up to her and be worthy of her "forgiveness".

Then came the confrontation with his abuser in a way that was a lot less messy than it could have been, in other words, a lot more mature, which IMO means he is indeed now maturing and changing after his breakthrough, as I mentioned in the embedded post above. Therefore, no matter how hard and painful, that was another moment that marked a "before/after" milestone in his life, a reset.

Sydney's resets

Season 1

When she decided to leave the most excellent CDC... because she got to know the "piece of shit" side of him.

When she decided to come back to him because ... TBH I don't think she knew at that point exactly why... we did though.

Season 2

Her star

When she decided she wanted a star, with him. And by doing that she reset him too, indirectly, actually. This scene changed the course of the whole series:

When Carmy gave her the ship (I'm obviously not just talking about the restaurant because that night he broke up with C).

When she realized she had made it (and got her father's approval):

Season 3

OMG SOOOOO MANY...

OK, here we go:

When she realized it was all about Carmy, he had relegated her and her dream of opening a restaurant and getting a star with him was nothing like she had dreamt of.

When she started to feel unappreciated:

When she was given a way out of Carmy's ship:

When she realized she couldn't take it and started suspecting WHY that was:

Soooo many resets, because Syd has reached, like Carmy, the end of the rope, whatever she was doing up until now, or not doing, can't go on. The change is imminent and no longer optional.

For both of them.

Sydcarmy has been reset.

Mother of victory...

Bonus track: if you think I'm missing some, please feel free to add them.

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋

[mswyrr]

re: Sydney's walls. Going off the discussion in @vacationship's excellent post about Carmy and his trauma responses (which IMO he lowers around Sydney as much as he's currently able; being around her is like being able to actually breathe, forget about 'the clock' and feel close with someone), I think that pairs with how Sydney lowers her walls around him in a way that is seemingly unique for her (I'd love to see more of how she relates to people outside of work - other family members, friends!).

What has gone into her walls and their origin in her childhood? Honing in specifically on her use of humor, I am reminded of something Stephen Colbert said about losing his father and two brothers young: he saw his role, as a child, as making his mother laugh, helping lighten the load for her in that way. Here's a quote from a conversation with him and Molly Shannon, who also experienced deep loss as a child:

"You said you wanted to make your mother laugh and cheer her up, and stuff like that, right? I relate to all that stuff, too, and in some ways, I wanted to make sure my dad was okay. My dad was really interested in writing and performing. We used to do acting exercises in the house. And so I kind of also did that for him too because it made him so happy."

And I think -- even though Emmanuel seems like a really excellent parent -- a sensitive child would feel his deep sorrow and want to lighten that burden like that - so her use of humor, to bond and deflect heavy emotions, to cut through pain, makes sense to me as something they shared. And she probably felt a level of responsibility for and awareness of her father's needs that she wouldn't have had to if he'd still had her mother there.

I think she also probably felt like she had to keep some things to herself, so as not to add to his burden, even though she's had a lot of support from her dad in figuring out life and practical concerns. They seem to be very honest with each other--even when he's struggling to understand her choices and she's having trouble explaining her dreams and goals-- but things that she felt might have hurt him? I can imagine her holding those close.

It's interesting how reluctant Sydney is to share about her loss -- even to the point of misguiding (or allowing them to make assumptions) both Marcus and Carmy about her mom. Her line to Carmy about how she doesn't want the "I'm sorry for your loss" stuff (and him going from being very serious about it to joining her in her coping mechanism and trying to make her laugh) is telling.

I think there's a lot more to it and I'd love to know what kind of wider family and friends network of support the two of them had, a grieving widower and his little 4 year old girl. I really want to see more of her wider relationships and how those shaped her.

[butchcarmy]

Blood Orange (Ch 2: The Bathroom)

Carmy Berzatto x Reader (R18, MDNI)

Rating: E (5.7k)

links: fic playlist, pinterest board, ao3 link, ch 1

Chapter Summary: No more fucking your boss. That’s what you’ve been telling yourself, but he doesn’t make it easy, even as you find yourself wanting to scream. Somehow it all falls away when you lower yourself to your knees before him. You don’t know if there’s any stopping this anymore. 

Content Tags: work sex, blow jobs, mouth fucking, CUM PLAY, dom/bossy carmy, coworkers with benefits, carmy being difficult, mental illness, they/them reader, gender neutral reader, the usual

A/N: WHEW. It’s here! Thanks for waiting y’all. I think I embarrassed myself writing this one (flushed emoji). It’s ramping up. Next chapter is gonna be big one. Let me know what you guys think, and enjoy! <3

Before you go to work the next morning, you make yourself come on your fingers. It would've been twice if you had more time. 

You open your eyes waking from a dream with his ghostly blue eyes and low voice, and you already know you're wet before you even touch yourself. The pads of your reaching fingers chase the tender spot Carmy stroked inside of you, but they don't quite make it. Of course they don't. 

Fingering yourself eases the ache for a little while. On the early morning transit with headphones over your ears, you still manage to find yourself aching for him. The music doesn't cover up the sound of his voice, and you catch yourself grimacing in the faint reflection of the dirty metro windows. 

This is not a good way to start your second day at work.

Since you left the walk-in yesterday, Carmy's been following you around like a mosquito in the summer, whizzing around your head, buzzing in your ears. You can't rid your thoughts of him. When you close your eyes, you're trapped in the fridge with him, again, and his fingers are deep inside you. 

Fuck. You're standing in front of the restaurant, willing yourself to go in. Just stop it, you think to yourself. 

You really should be more mad at him. He technically never apologized for insulting you, but you suppose you didn't expect him to in the first place. You didn't usually get apologies at places like this, from people like him. You don't want to get in the bad habit of expecting good things from broken people.

No more fucking your boss, you think resolutely to yourself, and that's the thought you meditate on as you open the door. 

By this time yesterday, there were already a couple of people floating around the kitchen. Today, you find dim lights and silence. Your footsteps feel too loud on the white linoleum as you walk to the lockers to drop off your stuff. You can’t pretend to understand the schedule yet.

“Carmen?” You pace around again as you secure your apron with a tie. No response. Surely he's here, at least. Someone had to open the place. 

You take a couple more steps when you hear his voice. 

“No, I'm not—that's not what I was sayin’.” The direction of his voice sounds like it's coming from his office. “Of course I miss him. Sugar—” A pause. “I know. Yeah. It's bullshit.” He laughs then, you think. You can't measure how genuine it is. “You're bullshit. Look, I'll call you back later, okay? And I'll—yeah, I'll look at it. Promise. Yeah. Bye.”

It's quiet after that. You're standing there, not sure what to do with yourself when you hear footsteps. Sure enough, Carmy pops out of the office, and you catch just a glimpse of something haunted in him before surprise takes over.

“Hi,” you say at the same time he says, “Jesus Christ.”

“How long have you been here,” he asks, as you go, “That's an interesting way to pronounce my name.”

“Um,” you start, and he stares at you blankly, unreactive to your joke. Too early, you guess. “I just got here.”

“Okay. Cool. Uh…” Anxiety radiates off of him, making his hands fidget and run through untamed hair. Not that you were looking at his hands at all. “You’ll be doin’ prep again.”

“Alright.” You expected as such. You’ll probably be on prep for the rest of the week, if not the month. That’s how most places go, but this isn’t most places. 

“Your station was dirty when you left yesterday.” You walk up to your station, and it’s spotless. “I had to clean it before I left.”

“Ah. I’m sorry about that,” you apologize quickly. I was preoccupied with other things, you think bitterly to yourself, thinking of locked doors and heated kisses. Not that you’ll mention it. “I’ll make sure to clean it this time.”

“Prep’s gonna be a bit different today,” he says, completely ignoring your apology. You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from snapping. “You’re gonna inspect produce, and then you’ll prep the stock again. Correctly this time.”

“It was nearly perfect, I just misplaced it,” you mutter under your breath.

“Yeah, nearly.” Looks like he heard you this time. Asshole. He places a box of onions on your station, rattling the table slightly. “Do I have to tell you how to sort out the bad ones from the good ones?” You’re honestly not sure if he means that as a jab, but the way he says it makes your insides sizzle with irritation.

Don’t take it personally, you remind yourself. Don’t. Take. It. Personally. 

“How about you show me just in case? Just so we’re on the same page.” It’s a wonder how calm you keep your voice. To your surprise, Carmy doesn’t roll his eyes, doesn’t sigh, he just nods and proceeds. Every time you think you’ll predict him properly, he does the opposite. 

You follow the line of his callused finger pointing to brown splotches on some of the onions. Intently, studiously, you examine the dark spots (indicative of mold), the sprouts (initial stages of deterioration), and the mushy areas (a sign of decreasing freshness). He’s talking about details as he seems to do when it comes to food, even elaborating on the farming process, but you don’t quite pick up that part. You just pay attention to the parameters you need to follow.

No more fucking your boss, you remind yourself again, because you catch yourself aching at the sight of his fingers. Your eyes have a hunger of their own, flickering up and down his muscular arms. God damnit. Maybe there’s another reason you can’t quite pay attention today. 

“Are you listening?” Carmy’s pointed question snaps you out of it. Fuck. You hope he didn’t catch you staring at his fingers again.

“If I can save it and just chop off the bad parts, then I should,” you regurgitate on instinct. “Those are the best ones to use for the stock. Otherwise, I should just toss it.”

For a split second, all he does is fix you with his focused stare. You feel the intensity of it in your chest, your beating heart fluttering with its weight. No matter how many times you scold yourself for finding him attractive, your eyes can’t ignore what’s right in front of them. You find yourself counting his moles. 

“I caught you staring,” he murmurs, “for real this time.”

“I—uh—” Your eyebrows are so raised you’re sure they’re bound to shoot off your warmed face. He’s smiling like he knows something you don’t. You weren’t going to mention yesterday, and after your first interaction this morning, you were sure he wasn’t going to, either. Guess you were wrong again.

“I’ll be in the back if you need help. The others should be here soon.” He’s moving on without giving you a chance to recover. Your brain can’t process the shock. “Just call if you need anything."

Before you get a chance to scrounge up anything to say, you’re alone in the kitchen again. 

This time I'm really gonna do it, you fume internally. Because you have a healthy amount of anger management, you don’t let yourself continue that thought.

Sydney is the third person to show up after you and Carmy. You give her a nod and a thin smile as she walks in, and she waves back. Soon after she arrives, the others trickle in one by one. As you're learning to expect, the quiet never lasts for long. 

There are tasks circling you just like yesterday that you don't fully grasp yet. Everyone seems to be instinctively following their own schedule, their circadian rhythm matched to the chaotic ecosystem of the kitchen. It’s just as suffocating as it was yesterday. You remind yourself that as a new hire, you don't need to understand the madness yet. Nonetheless, an invisible pressure presses down on you. 

“Hey, d'you mind telling me where this produce goes?” A triple stack of filled containers sits heavy in your arms. With Sydney out of the kitchen, Marcus is your next safest option in terms of coworkers. His head flicks up from where he was focused on kneading dough. A streak of white flour is across his nose. 

“Oh, that one's bottom shelf, near the back.” He claps his dusty hands together, flour falling between them like snow. “Here, I'll just show you. You know where the walk-in is?”

With Marcus, it doesn't feel like there are any stupid questions. It's a gift you don't take for granted, especially around here. You let him lead you to the fridge again, even though you remember where it is. It doesn't hurt. 

“Thanks. I'm, uh, still having a hard time figuring out where stuff goes,” you say after you put the produce away. 

“It’s cool. It's only your second day, right?” You nod. “Just takes time. Don't sweat it. You ever work in a restaurant before?”

“Yeah, a couple of times.”

“Then you know what you're gettin’ into.” That makes you laugh. 

“Sorta.” You shrug. “To be honest with you, I just need money, and I like cooking enough, so…now I'm here.” You're not quite as honest with how desperate your situation was on the verge of coming, but it's fine. Not really the time and place for it anyway. 

“I gotcha. That's how it was for me too, actually.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah. Well, that's how I started at McDonald’s. That was a while ago now.”

“I see. It's better here, I hope.”

“Hard to say,” he says, but there's a little smile on his face. “For the most part, Michael was cool, but—”

“Michael!” You blurt out, startling the both of you. “Holy shit, I'm sorry. I've just been trying to remember the name of the previous owner for forever now and—wow, sorry. I didn't mean to shout.”

“It's fine.” Marcus has this amused expression, but it dissolves quickly. “You met him?”

“I did. I came here a couple of years ago when I first moved. Just once, but—anyway, what's his deal?”

“His deal?”

“Yeah, like, why'd he give the restaurant away? Carmy said he didn't want it anymore.”

“Oh.” You can't read the way Marcus’ face shifts. “That's what he said?”

“...Yeah?”

“I see. Okay. Uh…” He pauses, scratching the back of his neck. “Look, I know how this sounds, but just try not to bring Mike up for now. It's still kind of a sore subject.”

“Ah, my bad.” Your brain instantly supplies stories of estranged families, sibling spats, and stolen money. You suppose it's a sour sort of relationship—something you're intimately familiar with. “Can I ask what happened, or…?”

“I'll tell you later,” he replies evasively. “You know what else they got you training on today?”

“No idea,” you answer honestly. The nosy part of you wants to hear more about the Berzatto family, but the responsible part of you reminds you to cool your jets. “Carmy just told me I was on produce. Know where he's at? I peeked into his office, but he wasn't there.”

“Oh, he just left.” Your blank stare makes him elaborate. “He's off doing Carmy things.”

“Doing Carmy things?” Looks like the person in charge has abandoned you yet again.

“Business stuff, probably.” Marcus shrugs. “He does that sometimes. He probably won't be back for a while, so I can help you with training for now if you want.”

“That would be great.” There's a remark on the tip of your tongue about poor management, but you hold it. “Is Carmy a better boss, at least?”

“Compared to Michael?” You recognize sadness in Marcus’ pinched brows, even if it's only momentary. “I dunno. It hasn't been long, but this place has been running more smoothly since he started doing things.” Your shocked expression makes him laugh briefly. “I know, it used to be worse if you can believe it.”

“I'm not sure that I can,” you admit. 

. . . . .

The next several days at work continue to test your patience. While Carmy keeps you on prep, keeping your tasks simple, he continues to find ways to keep you on edge. You stiffen up every time he enters the kitchen, waiting for him to point out yet another mistake. 

Chef, this cut's too uneven. Chef, you're taking too much time on this. Chef, you should’ve cut this part off. Chef, you’re creating too much waste. 

Yes, Chef, you always reply, even as his comments become more and more grating. A childish part of you wants to do a worse job out of spite, but another part of you is hungry for his approval far more than you would ever admit. You wonder if he's this tough on everyone. 

The incident in the walk-in does not get mentioned again. A childish voice in you wonders if Carmy has forgotten about it. Of course he hasn’t, but every time he critiques you, you wonder about the Carmy who kissed you. You wonder what that Carmy's thinking, because you have no clue. 

Has he been thinking of you, too?

This is how things should be, you remind yourself after you touch yourself for the fourth night in a row to the thought of him. Your fingers are wet, and your wrist is embarrassingly sore. I can't have sex with my boss again. I just can't. 

Would it be different if he also touched himself to thoughts of you?

You desperately suck your own cum off your fingers, and you wish it were his fingers instead. It doesn't taste the same. 

The bright lights are irritatingly bright when you come in this morning. It looks like you're the first person here again, other than Carmy. You hear his irritated voice as soon as you enter, which is clearly a good sign. 

“I appreciate you thinking of me, I do. I do. It's just—” He sighs. Looks like he's having another phone call. “I can't come back. Not right now.” Silence. “No, uh, won't happen for a while, I think. The place's fucked.” A shaky breath. “What? What did you say?

“The head chef asked about me?” Carmy's voice has gone tight. “I see. Of course he said that. No, it's fine.” Pause. “...I know what they've been saying. I figured they'd look down on me.” His laugh is hollow and painful. “Look, I got shit to do. Thanks for asking me, but it's a no. I can't.” Another pause, drawn out and tense. “Sure. Bye.”

After he hangs up, you hear him muttering to himself. You can't pick out any of the words other than the curses, but it sounds bad. As you put your things away, you silently pray to the abstract idea of a god to give you both strength of patience. Seems like you'll need it today. 

“Morning,” you tentatively greet him when he sees you. He's not surprised by your presence today, it seems. He nods back. 

“Morning.” His eyebags are dark with a lack of sleep. Upon closer inspection, his whole everything screams sleep deprivation, perhaps a bit more so than usual. His messy hair seems particularly unkempt today. “You're doing prep again today.”

“I figured.” 

“You need to get better about cleaning your station.” His words are full to the brim with irritation. “I keep having to clean it after you.”

“I thought I was—” You stop. Calm down, you think, but it's getting harder and harder to repeat. “Sorry. I didn't realize.”

“I told you the other day that it was dirty. Were you even paying attention?”

“Of course I was!” Annoyance bubbles over inside of you, potent and unbridled. Carmy barely reacts to your raised voice. Somehow, that pisses you off more.  The cap on your contained anger has popped off, and there's no fitting it back on. “Are you always like this towards your employees?”

“Like what?”

“Like an asshole?” You're too irritated to hold yourself back. 

“Depends. Are you always like this with your boss?” He retorts immediately. 

“I don't usually have sex with my boss, so no, I suppose not,” you respond stupidly, and that makes him go dead silent. He narrows his eyes, fixes you with his gaze. Like you're a new problem that needs solving or something like that.

God damnit, you think to yourself. Why'd you have to say that?

“You've been thinking about it.” The air feels thicker, suddenly.

“I never said that.”

“Then why did you mention it?” Shit. “You said you were going to do better.”

“And I have been. I've been trying to do everything you've been telling me to do.” You don't know why you take a step towards him. “You said you were gonna be nicer.”

“And I have been,” he echoes, and his sincerity makes you roll your eyes. 

“Bullshit! You've been nit-picking me all week!”

“We have standards here, and you need to learn how to follow them. That's all.”

“You're right! I'm learning,” you argue, throwing exasperated hands up in the air. “Cut me some fucking slack!”

“Then learn. Improve.” He slams a hand down on the aluminum surface next to you, enclosing you partially in. Being this close to him, you can really see how dark his dark circles are. You could easily move to the side if you wanted to, but something in you stays put. “There's no excuse for a dirty workspace in a kitchen. I thought you would know that already.”

“I'm so fucking sorry, chef,” you spit back with about as much venom as you can muster. Which, right now, is a lot. 

That shifts something inside him. You see it flash across his face—surprise, anger, and then…something else.

“Dirty work station and a dirty mouth,” he murmurs. His voice is lower, quieter, and it sounds just like how it did in the walk-in. You hate how that change instantly makes your heart pick up speed. “You think you get a pass to act like this because of what happened in the walk-in?”

“You motherfucker,” you hiss, meeting his glare with your own. “So now you're going to acknowledge it? And for the record, I get to act however the fuck I want. Especially with someone like you.”

“Someone like me.” He doesn't ask you to elaborate. He just laughs, breathy and condescending, and he's so close you can feel his breath fan across your face. “You think you're above all this, don't you?”

“What?” The question takes you so off guard that it almost dissipates the strange mix of anger and arousal simmering in your gut. 

“I know it doesn't feel good to have to take orders from someone you hate, but here's the thing. You have to.” He's not smiling, but you swear he's getting some sort of sick satisfaction from all this. Why else would he be saying any of this shit?

“I could leave right now if I wanted to,” you threaten him. “You won't be able to find anyone else that wants to work in this shithole of a place.”

“You're right. You could leave if you really wanted to.” His eyes narrow curiously at you. “Then why haven't you?”

You’re well within your right to leave already—it checks all the boxes. Chaotic work environment. Awful management. General workplace misconduct. Unprofessionalism between coworkers. You suppose you're partially to blame for that last one, but still. 

If it's bad, I'll just find another job, you told yourself. You're not sure why you're not listening to your own advice. The simple truth of the matter, though, is that other jobs won't have him. They won't have the man that's been keeping you up at night, the man that you want to simultaneously devour and destroy. They won't have Carmen Berzatto, and for some reason, that's all it's going to take.

You don't understand yourself. It scares you, but not enough. Not enough to leave.

“...I don't know why I haven't left yet,” you say quietly after a while. “I have no clue.”

“I see.” If he's dissatisfied with your answer, he doesn't show it. “Then for the time you're here, let's make one thing clear.”

“What is it now?” You sigh.

“I'm in charge here,” he whispers. His other hand is on the counter now. You're completely blocked in. “I'm the one who runs this place, so you're going to be good and listen to me when I speak.”

“You're not really giving me a lot of incentive, chef.” You lower your gaze to the counters next to you. “Maybe if you gave me something to work with.” You don't mean for it to come out as suggestive as it does, but with him surrounding you like this… 

“Incentive?” He brings a hand to your face, tucking his fingers under your chin to pull your gaze back to him. His touch is achingly gentle, but it forces it to look straight into his eyes. Your fidgety gaze catches glances of the dark blue speckles that border his pale iris. “Hey,” he whispers, “look at me.”

You squeeze your eyes shut. Your heart's pounding like sprinting feet thudding on concrete. You can't place what feelings are excitement or anxiety or both, but maybe no separation exists. Shutting your eyes was a weak attempt to temporarily block him out, but now all you can focus on is the sensation of his rough hand on your hot face. 

Hesitantly, you open your eyes to face him. Ice blue and dark circles. His intense stare is difficult to match, but you try. 

“What do you want from me?” You ask quietly. 

“I want you to clean your station. Think you can do that?”

“Don't patronize me. Of course I can. I just—happened to forget.”

“Hm.” He smiles briefly. It's just a bit mocking. “You don't have a good track record so far, so you'll have to prove it to me.”

“...And how would I do that?”

“Depends,” he replies vaguely. “Depends on what you want.”

“What I want? I thought you were supposed to be in charge.”

“When I touched you, you told me you wanted to touch me.” The realization clicks in your head. “Do you still want that?”

You hesitate. Memories of the walk-in flood in. You remember the silhouette of his tight jeans over his bulge, and you ache. You shouldn't say yes. You really shouldn't. A distant voice says, you don't want to do this. What have you been telling yourself? This is a bad idea.

Unfortunately, it's far past a matter of want anymore. It's a matter of need.

“Yes,” you whisper back. Your fate is sealed. “I do.”

That's how you find yourself in the cramped bathroom with him. It's dark with one of the lightbulbs having gone out, making it feel even smaller. An eerie green cast coats the room. 

“You're going to show me that you can listen. That you can clean up after your messes.” He's leaned up against the wall, broad hands unbuttoning his pants. Your eyes shamelessly zero in on the motion. “Think you can do that much?”

“Of course I can,” you reply, but it comes out a lot softer than intended. 

“Good.” You force your eyes away from the outline of his bulge in his boxers to look at his face. His darkened eyes are trained on you. “Get on your knees.”

Oh, you think. So this is how it's gonna go.

You wish you could say that you hesitate even a little bit, that there’s even a shred of contemplation left in you. However, there isn't any of that remaining. Obediently, you fall to your knees, resting them against the cold, hard bathroom floor. You're at eye level with his unbuttoned jeans. Slowly, you raise your eyes to look at him. 

His downturned face is framed by wild strands of hair. Looking down at you casts darker shadows across his face, but not enough to hide his expression. It's an odd mix of hunger and what you think to be admiration. Surely not, but that's immediately the thought that comes to mind. 

“Waiting for directions, chef,” you murmur. 

“Mm. Right,” he says, like he was lost in thought. “You look better like this.”

“Watch it,” you warn him. “I could still bite your dick off.” To that, he just briefly smiles, and then it's gone.

He's pulled his black pants down just enough to let his clothed bulge hang over the waistband. The sight of it goes straight to the simmer starting in your gut. You watch his veined hand disappear into his boxers. He's doing this far too slowly for your taste. 

Finally, he pulls out his cock, nearly completely stiffened, and you can't deny the way you begin to salivate. 

You were right. It's big, though not just in length. His cock is thick. You immediately know you won't be able to take the full length of him into your mouth, but what fits is going to be a stretch. You're already imagining how those bulging veins are going to feel against the flat of your tongue. 

“Use your mouth for something other than talking back to me. Make me come,” Carmy orders quietly. “Enough direction for you?”

“Shut the hell up,” you mutter, ignoring the feeling of the growing heat inside you, and you pull the reddened, shiny tip of his cock between your lips. 

His pre-come mixes with the saliva on your tongue. You savor the taste of his salty musk, suckling slowly, and you hear him exhale shakily above you. Looks like you've been given something of an opportunity to get him back for the walk-in. Not repayment—payback. The distinction is important. 

When you pull back, thin strings of spit connect the pink head to your glistening lips. One of your hands moves to hold the base of his cock as you close the gap again. You drag your tongue down the side of his length, licking the thick vein you were eyeing earlier. You feel him twitch. 

“Do that again,” he breathes. Without question, your tongue retraces its path, running back over the line of spit it created. That gets you a quiet, strangled moan, and it's music to your ears. 

“Is this part sensitive?” You ask as you stroke the vein with your thumb. You suck your way down the vein again, making small, wet seals of pleasure. 

“Somewhat.” He sounds good like this, breathless and flustered. A smile twitches on your lips. You lick across the inside of your hand, wetting it before lazily curling it around his cock. He slides effortlessly in your grasp. 

“You gonna come already?” You can't help but tease. He's surprisingly reactive, more so than you would've thought. It's not that you're complaining—it's not that at all. The sound of his low groans is making you drip. 

“Hah—no. You'll have to work harder than that.” You feel a hand pushing back your hair, and that makes you raise your head towards him. His touch is surprisingly gentle. You watch the movement of his lips when he speaks. “Open your mouth, and stick out your tongue.”

You can't quite figure out what it is about all of this that makes you submit. Just moments ago, you wanted to wring your hands around his throat. It was far too easy to abandon your anger and kneel in front of him. Maybe it's the incomprehensibly part of you that undeniably needs his validation. Maybe it's the soft, low tone of his voice, gentle yet commanding. Either way, it has you obeying with a thought in your mind. 

You do as he says. You part your lips and extend your tongue. As your eyes flutter upwards towards him, you're struck with the impression that you must look obscene. 

“Perfect,” he whispers, and just the one word sends something of a euphoric rush through you. “Doin’ so good for me.” 

You soak up the praise, basking in the warmth of it. Then, Carmy spits onto your tongue, and his saliva slides towards the back of your mouth. 

You can't hide your surprise. Your breath hitches, but you don't say anything. Fuck, that should've made you angry, but it just made your clit throb painfully hard. 

He drags his thumb down your tongue, slow and sensual. You have half the mind to suck on it until he glides the head of his cock on your tongue, leading it into the heat of your mouth. 

“Ah—” You lose the words you were going to say, along with the empty space in your mouth. The tip of his cock's nearing the back of your throat. You breathe shakily through your nose. You were right again—you can't take him fully in. It's enough of a stretch as it is. 

“Fuck, that's it…” Carmy sighs. “Just like that…”

His hand holding your hair turns into a tighter grip as you begin sucking up and down his cock. It's an awful mess, the size of him forcing spit to drip down your chin. It's not just that, though. He's thrusting his cock back into your mouth quicker and quicker. You wish he would slow down so you could lean back and suck on his dribbling tip, but his hand has you anchored. 

Time slows as he starts fucking your mouth. Your hands fall to your hands. Your knees are starting to hurt. You care surprisingly little about that fact, instead opting to care about rubbing your clit as quickly as possible. When you get your hands under your underwear, you find your whole pussy already smeared in wetness. You've seeped through the fabric. 

When he pulls his cock out of your mouth (or rather, when he tugs you off), you think he's going to give you a new order. Or that he's going to say something. You don't realize what's really happening until it's too late. 

You watch him bring a hand to his cock. He strokes it twice, keeping his hand tight in your hair, and with a low groan, he comes.

With his hand on you, you can't move away. Not that you try. When the first glob of cum streaks your cheek, you freeze. All you can do is pause as he comes on your face. Even your hand under your pants has frozen, your palm pressed up tight against your pulsing clit. 

With each rope of cum across your face, you feel yourself throb. Carmy is a sight to behold as he comes, long-lashed eyes falling shut with his parted, gasping mouth. He's jaggedly fisting his cock as he just keeps coming. You feel the cum starting to drip down the slopes of your skin, even your lips. 

By the time he's come down, he's left your face an absolute mess. Your jaw feels heavy, and his cum is hot against your swollen lips. You've come down as well, and it's left you with the irate realization that he just came all over your face without asking.

“You could've at least told me you were gonna come on my face,” you snap. Your cheeks are burning. Your argument feels weak with how worked up you feel over watching and feeling him come, but the irritation is still very real. 

“Clean your station, chef,” he responds, infuriatingly smug even as he catches your breath. “Practice makes perfect.”

“Are you kidding me?” Of course. That's what this all was. A fucked up lesson, a twisted sort of discipline. 

“I'm not.” He uncurls his fist from your hair. “Stand up—your knees must hurt.”

You pause for a second before you shakily get back up on your legs. One minute he's messily fucking your mouth, and the other, he's worrying over your sore knees. He continues to become more and more confusing. 

“You're gonna make me clean up your mess.” You catch your face in the small, shitty rectangular mirror hanging on the wall. God, are you a filthy sight, cum and spit all over your face. 

“I had to clean up yours for the past week, so yeah.” He's zipped himself back up. He's clean, not a drop of anything on him. Unlike the mess parading itself on your face. At least there's not any in your hair. 

“This is not the same. This is—” You frustratedly search for the right words. He's remaining as stoic as ever. “You didn't even kiss me,” you blurt out, and as soon as you say it, you regret it. 

Carmy stills. You can't tell what he's thinking with his unmoving expression. You're sure he's about to insult you again, but then he’s leaning in and sealing his lips against yours. 

You're stunned. A small noise escapes you as he kisses you deeply, thoroughly. His tongue drags up a trail of cum and spit up your chin and back into your mouth. Or back into his. You're unsure, with the way they're all blending together. 

“There,” Carmy murmurs against your lips. When he pulls back, you see his tongue running across his lips, collecting the pearlescent sheen that was on them. 

“Um—” You start and immediately stop. You’re speechless. 

“Now clean up.” You hear the sound of distant company. Your other coworkers must be arriving now. “I expect improvement now, chef. Is that clear?”

“Crystal,” you reply bitterly. “I suppose I met your expectations, then?”

“Sure. Closely enough, anyway.” Potent aggravation hits you like a cast iron pan. He drags his thumb in one last infuriating line across your cheek. He sucks it into his mouth and cleans it off. “Don't take too long. I have a lot planned for you today.”

Without waiting for a response, Carmy leaves. He leaves you alone in the shitty bathroom with a now flickering lightbulb, left to clean his cum on your face with water, hand soap, and thin paper towels. You don't know if you've ever been so angry before. 

The anger doesn't make the arousal go away. You rub your needy clit to orgasm, your back pressed up against the wall like Carmy's just a moment ago.

As you come with Carmy's cum slowly trailing on your face, you wonder if there is any coming back from this. If there's anything left to be done to stop whatever's happening. You can't come up with any solutions or suggestions. Only one thing is undeniably clear:

You hate Carmen Berzatto, and you're already thinking of ways to get his cock in your mouth again soon. 

~

taglist: @zorrasucia @carmenberzattosgf @thehouseofevangelista @alastorssimp @talas-starlight @jmamas92

[all-men-must-die]

I'm obssessed with two things today

(btw this is a sydcarmy post)

1. When Syd tells him she needs his full focus she lowers her voice to a whisper (‼️) and when he answers he's also whispering; Nat shows up at the same moment and he says "I understand" in a low voice and then calls out to Nat in his regular voice. They sound SO MARRIED I'm going crazy

2. When they're under the table, Syd says she's afraid of fucking up and Carmy says "I fuck up all the time", then she says "Not like this". I MEAN

(putting on my tinfoil hat)

What does that mean????? I got the feeling Carmy meant fucking up exclusively in a work-related sense, like he did all throughout the season and in the past when she quit. I think she understands that's what he meant, but then she says "not like this", so what does she mean??? Could she possibly be talking about her feelings for him? She made a point of saying she was not jealous of Claire, but her facial expressions when she was saying this tell another story and that little "yeah?" when Carmy says Claire is great was just SO. TELLING. (HERE COMES THE TINFOIL HAT) So what if she got involved with a coworker before? Or she had unrequited feelings for someone and "fucked up" because she couldn't deal with it without getting things mixed up? Or what if a coworker had feelings for her and things got awkward because she didn't reciprocate? (bonus tinfoil points: that's why she's wary of Marcus).

Back in season 1, Carmy says the people she'd worked for said she's "impatient" and we see that with her offering the risotto to the food critic; Carmy is her boss and told her the dish was not ready, but she did it all the same (afterwards she is shown to be aware of her mistake and selfconscious about the whole thing because she tries to smooth things out with him by dismissing the review). When she brings him the dish she is also is visibly anxious while trying to play cool. I think all the little hints throughout the story so far show that even though she is avoidant and a bit emotionally repressed, Syd is very, very eager about things, and, like her father said, she always jumps head first into things; she's very passionate, very driven, and I think she would be capable of bulldozing through people to make things work and to realize her vision. At the same time, I think she FEELS things too much (unlike Carmy, who is also passionate, but a lifetime of trauma made him bury his feelings), and sometimes these feelings just come out to the surface without her bring able to stop them and I think that's what she meant when she said she was afraid of melting and fucking up; not exclusively work-related stuff, but also not being able to (in her eyes, at least) master her feelings and them getting in the way of her professional life.

[unlikelyjapan]

s2e2 rewatch notes

Back on the horse - less wine this time, but probably some of the same analysis you've heard before:

Carmy + Syd all matchy-matchy walking down the hall to "She Drives Me Crazy" by fine young cannibals <3 - and Carmy so badly wants to learn more details about her Dad in that scene.

After sawing open the locker, Carmy immediately passes the hat to Richie (knowing that will give him the kind of comfort he needs) and then instantly moves to self-soothing himself by asking Sydney over to the apartment to work on the menu.

Someone on here already pointed this out, but I didn't see how marked it was until a rewatch - Marcus was *totally* trying to divert Syd's attention right after the invite by requesting "more inspiration" (even syd seems surprised by the timing). There wasn't even a scene break, so we can't blame it on editing - they're really working OT to draw our attention to the 'triangle'.

Carmy's "at least you can rely on him. Is your mom cool" - "So, your dad...." man he's really needling her, this episode is a lot of him trying to connect and getting (nicely) rebuffed - I can't imagine how those soft slights play over in his messed-up head.

Sugar's whole toilet monologue "We don't try new things - we keep doing the exact same things with the exact same people" followed in the next beat by "Who doesn't want easy? Who doesn't want to just be fucking okay?" was a (maybe too tidy) synopsis for the whole series. It's Ebra vs. Tina's perspectives. It's Carmy with Claire vs. Syd. It's Richie's aversion to change vs. understanding his life needs to move on by force.

To be honest, the whole saccharine meet-cute vs. Syd with her Dad parallel play was harder to sit through the second time, but I did it:

The Radiator story was offered up about Syd's mom being more competent than Emmanuel, and how that made her so attractive to him. This is followed by Syd revealing how high the stakes and sacrifices are with her and Carmy with the relationship restaurant.

Emmanuel has an inkling that Carmy is "the man" from the radiator story, and (protective dad-mode activated) his daughter as far too equally competent and vulnerable for such an arrangement (which is on the nose, given these scenes are spliced with foreshadowing at the grocery store).

Followed by Syd revealing how high the stakes and sacrifice are with her and Carmy and the pursuit of the restaurant - her dad seeing carmy as "the man" and her as far too competent for such a hashed arrangement.

Emmanuel says "The restaurants - they're hard and they don't work out" - it's almost like he's echoing/warning her about a relationship with Carmy. "It doesn't mean that YOU won't" - this is literally how all conversations go with concerned parents after you bust out a spontaneous engagement announcement, ha.

Syd gives the classic rebuttal - "I'm in a better place in my life - I've learned a lot of lessons - I know what I'm doing"

After he asks if she trusts him, and after a quiet moment she scoffs - it's almost like she's thinking about saying something else before she pivots and talks about it being weird that she's older than her mom was when she died now, bringing it back to something she knows he can relate to.

She also doesn't quite believe she's "just as wonderful" as her mom - and/or can't take compliments. Syds are made in the same factory that Carmy's come from I guess *sobs*

MEANWHILE - standard meet-cute stuff and bashful Carm, until Carmy almost seems taken aback when Claire says ""because I wanted to understand it" re: the whole broken-arm thing. He takes a beat, looking away, before stuttering his throwaway "th...that was at roosevelt?" line. It obviously derailed him, as it doesn't compute with his idea of care.

I didn't catch this before, but the conviction in the whole "Because you're the bear and I remember you" line delivery is more forceful and less murmured than all the other lines - if you think she's guessing/nostalgic/riffing with him here, I have a bridge to sell you. She talks with Fak, Tiff etc - girl is on her game with reconissance.

[greenerteacups]

Thoughts on sydcarmy? (figured i’d ask since you mentioned the bear in one of your asks.)

[normal person voice] THOUGHTS ON SYDCARMY? YEAH I GOT A FEW

To start from the beginning, I've been watching the Bear IRL as it airs, so I've been through all the hiatuses between seasons. And in season 1, I was the conductor of this ship. I was on the train basically from the minute they have that first bit of cooking synchrony in like episode 2 and my obsession with the coworkers-to-lovers trope perked its nose up, but I was promoted to captain when I saw the scene at the end where he grounds himself through a panic attack by thinking about her. Which — hey, by the way, sidebar? Directed to the writers of The Bear? I'm totally on board with the 'let's have more platonic bonds between men and women' stuff, I get why you like that story and want to write it, and seriously, platonic sydcarm, that's cool. That's awesome. But also: visualizing someone's face to anchor you through a panic attack — while in real life not at all inconsistent with platonic friendship — is an extremely loaded scene to drop in the middle of a narrative where the two characters in question have demonstrable chemistry and an intense but ill-defined bond, and your audience, which has been trained to close-read male-female relationships for signs of romantic interest, is going to read that scene as romantically intimate, if not sexual in nature. And they're not, like, ship-obsessed or whatever for thinking that. The visual language of your product does not exist outside of the cultural lexicon where it is being presented, regardless of your intentions. Anyway. [Sidebar over.]

Season 2, and especially the introduction of Claire, seemed to me like a Doylist way to address the SydCarmy train. The upshot to this is they do use this to talk about Sydney and Carmy being Weirdly Intimate Business Partners, and you get a lot of references to Sydney's jealousy, her disgruntlement with Claire, and Carmy's struggle to fuse the two worlds. The downside is that Sydney and Carmy no longer feel like the epic power chord at the center of the show, because Carmy's been shifted into this internal battle between Claire (who in many ways represents being Out of the industry) and Sydney (who, whatever else you can say about her, is very much In). And unfortunately for Claire, Sydney is just way better written. Like, I really did try to be fair to Claire, but it's not even close — and man, I didn't even feel like the writers were trying. Claire and Carmy's crush on Claire are introduced to the audience at the same time, and from there, she has zero scenes without Carm being either present or the subject of conversation. And like, that's so weird, on a show where almost everyone is rich and well-developed, and even the extended family in Fishes get little nods to their internal life. And I — I'm rambling. Point being, I think Season 2 took the wind out of SydCarmy's sails by making their dynamic antagonistic and strained by Carmy's obvious romantic interest in someone else, so I went into S3 with guarded optimism.

And then, like... okay. I'm a Sydney fan before I'm a SydCarmy fan, right? That man's cute and all, but she's the protagonist of this show for me. And at this point, I really do think the best thing for Syd is to get out of Carmy's orbit and go do her own thing. I don't believe in people being "too traumatized" for relationships to work, so I think a lot of the people blowing off Carmy as being "not ready" for love this season are full of hot air — but I do believe that Carmy's trauma is specifically impairing his ability to empathize with and care for Sydney, a fellow restauranteur and subordinate chef/protege, in a way that would make any iteration of their relationship satisfying to me. Getting him to that point would require the writers to dedicate a lot of storytelling and character development in a creative direction that they don't seem to be interested in. They are clearly interested in other things — worthy things! Cool things! Things that can make for a good plot! — but at this point, I was only interested in a version of SydCarmy that existed for about five minutes in the first 1/3 of the show, and it's time for me to face the music. I'm really excited to see where they take Sydney, though. I still trust the writers to do her justice, because they clearly know what a rare thing they have in her.

[unladyboss]

WHY DID CLAIRE GIVE UP SO EASILY?

It just occurred to me, that someone who was so persistent and insistent and accepting shouldn't IN THEORY have given up so easily on Carmy

Ok, it's safe to assume that she left the I love you message on his phone and thought he got it by then. Then she heard him say all the 'waste of time stuff' and was super hurt.

I GET IT.

However, did she hear all the OTHER stuff he said about how he doesn't DESERVE the enjoyment etc?

This is Claire who ran into Carmy at the grocery store and was satisfied with a banal conversation.

This is Claire who, sensed that Carmy was a little turned off when she said she remembered him, but proceeded to try and get his number anyway.

This is Claire who, having realized Carmy gave her the wrong number, tracked down a FAK to get his number.

This is Claire who told him never ever apologize

This is Claire who told him nobody is keeping track of shoes

This is Claire who drove him to deliver a letter

This is Claire who is dating a big time chef, but was fine with eating spaghetti Bolognese

This is Claire whose THING is MANAGING sad (drunk) people

This is Claire who is all smiles no matter what (if you believe the Claire hype)

So why'd she give up so quickly? Why would someone who put up with no real dates and crumbs of emotion, not try to talk him through or out of his slump? Why not manage THIS sad person some more?

But oh wait, they've hung out so much but never actually talked. Is that true or was she managing and not listening?

But now I remember that this is CLAIRE who brushed it off when Carmy said she's good at listening.

She doesn't really listen, so she didn't hear all he said.

Didn't hear the implication that it isn't about HER.

Remember this is CLAIRE who told Carmy that she stared at that kid's broken arm not because she wanted to FIX it, but because she wanted to understand it. So she's not that into doing the work to fix the thing (she HAS to as a doctor, but otherwise, meh?)

Remember THIS is Claire, who is smiles in front of Carmy, and in back of him says all the right things for him to HEAR her sweetness, but is scowling at the thing happening right in front of her (which doesn't suit HER needs)

Maybe that's why Carmy and her talk on the phone instead of him texting like he does with Syd. So he can HEAR the implied sweetness and tone of voice and all the right words when you craft a conversation, as opposed to texting where you can SEE everything in back and white

Remember THIS is Claire.

I'm not trying to make Claire into a villain. I'm the type of person who'd leave immediately too, but that's not what she or the show tried to portray her as.

Maybe she'll try again?

Maybe we'll see her with Carmy again.

I kinda don't mind seeing her again.

There's a thing that happens to me anytime I try to describe Claire though. I default to how SWEET she is. Then my brain goes

She's really sweet?

There's a disconnect in what they've tried to make us see and what's there.

I have to admit I'm biased. I think Claire is sweet but I'm biased.

Or unsure? I dunno. There's something...

[hourglassfish]

Fun and Work

I guess I'm gonna use this blog to think about The Bear a little?

So my investment in this show - is heavy. I am really, really rooting for the team of The Bear to build a workplace that they enjoy working in. Not all day everyday, because working under capitalism is always gonna suck a little bit, service work is real hard. And it doesn't have to be forever, cus the nature of many workplaces is that folks move through it. But a place where people can work, and grow, find joy and pleasure and fun in it, earn enough to live with dignity, and for their work environment to also enshrine that dignity. Basic human right. Rare for most of us in the current working landscape.

Anyway.

I find Sydney and Carmy both hugely relatable - and I laughed for about 10 minutes straight when Carmy said that he'd googled fun in Al-Anon. Cus I've done that:

I did not find an ER doctor girlfriend from my childhood, I got an allotment and a cat and I highly recommend both.

But as I get older I cannot deny the pleasure I get from my work, and the joy I find in the people I work with and the connection I have to them - and one of the real sadnesses I feel when I rewatch season two is that Carmy doesn't just bail on the stuff that sucks - money woes and dead raccoons and competing for staff - he also bails on the really fun stuff (and the really fun people) present in his work.

There is the obviously fun 'lol as if this is our job for the day' stuff - literally travelling around CHICAGO and EATING ALL DAY with Sydney. She doesn't just eat - she roots herself, and The Bear in the city, meets other restaurants, gains their support and encouragement, builds community around herself, builds relationships with suppliers that are warm and friendly, picks up on gossip. All the good - and fun - things that you need, cus even in a competitive industry, you've got to have friends. And this Carm's first restaurant. He'd be meeting folks, not as a CDC, but as a fellow executive chef. He misses those words of encouragement and affirmation, the hugs and the light jibes from people who really get it, cus they've done it - the unknown unknowns that are revealed in the random bits of advice people drop.

There is the nerdy fun - the pops of joy we see when Tina unboxes those shiny new pans, picking the art for your walls, stroking the woodgrain on the table that you picked, figuring out the cheapest way to get the silent plates you're craving when the originals are out of budget, learning what your space looks like first thing in the morning, last thing at night - when it rains, when it snows, when the sun is at its highest. Getting a particular piece of kit that is expensive but worth it.

There is the slightly delirious fun - Tina tries for this, when she gently sings 'nduja' at an extremely in the zone Sydney, who is a bit too stressed to be there with her - but if it's not impacting your health, and you're with the right people? Working till the small hours on something you loved - ordering takeaway and snacks to get you through it, psyching each other up and making shitty jokes which you then look back on and laugh about later - these are some of the delights of being in a team, they're building blocks of intimacy.

Related to that is the delight that comes in getting to know people better - and this is where I am saddest for him, because we've seen enough of Carmy's relationships outside of work to know that Sydney was likely the first person to ask him how he felt about retaining the stars. She's a nerd! She loves it, just like him! What other questions would they have asked each other? What else would they have learnt about one another, and themselves from sharing that process? If it hadn't felt so chaotic and weighted with tension, what would it have looked like to have Tina there also, able to learn from them both? I keep referring to her here, because she is, for me, the heart of the show, the absolute best of The Bear (show and restaurant) and a quiet revelation in the second season. To learn that windows become pasta in Sydney's mind, to have Tina straight talking about whether the things in your head are actually being communicated on the plate, to have Marcus asking these endless questions with this kind of quiet joy that disperses out from him?

There is fun and joy and intimacy to be found at work - especially when you are building something tangible and real that you will own, which so few people get to do. When you get to teach people, nurture them, be a part of their development. Especially if you're kind, and sensitive, and you're paying attention. Especially when all the people you work with are united in their love and grief - and by a gift that the person they are grieving for has given them.

Working has maybe not been fun for Carmy historically, I really, really get that but -

(MAYBE. I don't trust Carmy, currently carrying his trauma and his grief, as a reliable narrator - I think maybe work was fun for him for a while, with an underlying sadness around Mikey and home, then he ended up in the wrong kitchen with the wrong chef and had a really terrible time. I am DESPERATE to get a fuller picture of who Carmy was pre New York but still away from home. The Carmy that got those tattoos and made friends with Thom Browne. Like maybe he was shy, Claire. Maybe he *was* But. BUT. Anyway - )

I feel like this could have been the very early, first steps of a shift in that for him. I feel so sad - to see him and Syd laughing in his kitchen and to think he didn't get to have that (you only build your first restaurant once). He also didn't get to have it again in Episode ten, when the shit hit the fan, and Syd And Rich (wow, how far they have come) pulled the team together with a ticking clock, hella yelling/swearing and a shared commitment to a vision. Was it stressful? For sure, I wanted to bust through the screen and get Syd out of there!!! But was it thrilling? Was it the stuff of a glorious anecdote? Were they all sort of exhilarated and grinning at the end? Was it... kind of fun?

Like... isn't chaos kind of fun when you're with a team? When you're safe, and no one's been stabbed, and no one's screaming? We're pack animals. All we ever really want is each other.

Anyway, I dunno what I'm trying to say here. I've been thinking a lot about how with Carmy - and with many folks working through trauma and various anxiety/panic related stuff, the logic is all or nothing. Balance, working with where you are and what you have, being present to what is there, is real hard!

[lovemewednesdays]

my two cents.

I finished the second season of The Bear. Here are my big thoughts.

I'm really glad a lot of the older cast got to thrive, like Tina and Richie. It's a perfect example of how it's never too late. Which I think is needed in a society that puts a lot of stock into succeeding while you're young.

The new restaurant is fine. Lovely. I'm glad they have a sandwich window to keep the OG stuff, but I will miss the rizz, as the kids say, of The Beef. It had personality, history. I feel like I would be able to go into The Beef and feel completely at home. The Bear? I'm not sure. The word "gentrification" bounced around in my head a lot, and I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe they'll touch on that in later seasons?

WATCHING TINA KILL IT ALL SEASON WAS LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY. SHE FOUND HER GROOVE, BABY.

Richie was the season for me. Tina was great, of course, but the growth that Richie went through, the fact that he found something to care about, and he was good at it. Ugh. A+ all around. "Forks" was my favorite episode of the whole season.

I wrote a post about the Christmas episode. Wow. Stellar. Gut-wrenching. Hard to fucking watch. I was screaming, "Everyone needs therapy!" the entire time. Definitely one of the best TV episodes of all time. Emmy winner for sure. I'd bet my life on it.

The Richie/Sugar mended relationship arc was all I needed.

The Richie/Sydney mended relationship arc was all I needed.

I just really loved Richie this season, okay? My boy is learning how to respect women and not say the R-word. We love to see it.

I don't eat omelets usually. I've eaten two in the past 12 hours.

The Carmy x Claire arc, for me, was annoying. Not because I didn't like Claire – I didn't love her, but I did like her, especially her relationship with the family – but because it was just so...not needed? Of course, you don't start a brand-new relationship when you're trying to open a restaurant. CARMY KNOWS THAT SHIT. WHY? WHY? Being a chef is one of the hardest jobs to have a work/life balance with. Even I know that, and I'm nowhere near the hospitality industry! I feel like the team could've come up with more creative emotional obstacles for Carm, is all I'm saying.

I knew they were gonna do something with Marcus and Sydney. I knew it, and I couldn't watch my babies go through that. I love their friendship, and I think they'd be cute, but if that's the way the story's going, I'm going to need a little more convincing.

Favorite cameos: Bernthal (obvi), Colman, and Poulter.

The Donna/Pete scene in the last episode was...so good. So, so good. I love Pete.

And finally:

I am surprised to say this, but I am completely neutral about the Syd x Carmy situation. I can see it going either way, and I'd be fine with it either way. As a recovering Tedbecca fan, I thought if I didn't see it, I'd just be protecting myself from another cruel showrunner (I am actually very mad at Sudeikis for the obvious trolling), but I was just neutral. I'm not going to say I don't see it, I totally do. The Chef Kiss (cute ship name!) fans have some valid points, and I hate that the antis make them feel bad. It's unnecessary. And I hate that romance is seen as Less Than in movies and TV shows nowadays, and I will write my thoughts on that later. Because I have a lot of them.