#but i'm convinced it was because of the bj jokes

[maochira]

One of the funniest things that happened on his blog was when I got shadowbanned after writing ONE SINGULAR HEADCANON in which during truth or dare Sendou and Oliver kept being asked if they ever made out or gave each other a bj

If you're curious. It's here. The seventh headcanon

[locke-esque-monster]

There's a part of me that wants to think that House MD is a spiritual successor to Mash (which is a whole separate post). It's fascinating to me because outside of one brief reference in the early seasons to Trapper John, and the whole similar "POV of the patient" episodes, there aren't really any references to Mash within House. And frankly, I'm surprised their aren't unless it was deliberate on the part of the creators. But I honestly prefer to believe Greg House within the confines of the show itself is actually an old Mash fan.

Picture it with me, will you...

A young 13 year old Gregory getting obsessed with the show. In part because it's anti-military and anti-authority sentiment pisses off his dad. But he also loves it's mix of drama, goofiness, and quick-witted banter.

He mostly gets to keep watching it because his Mom also likes it, it reminds her of the quick banter of old screwball comedies of her youth.

Sixteen year old Greg being torn between appreciating the accurate harsh reality of killing off Henry Blake, and the fact he wants to write angry letters to the studio on behalf of his mom because the episode made her cry.

Do you remember in Sherlock (2010) how Mycroft brought up that Sherlock had the mind of a great thinker, but chose to be a detective? And his original hope was to be a pirate? I think of that when I think of how Greg became a doctor. He was never going to be the empathetic doctors he saw on Mash, but the show did infuse an interest in medicine he never quite shook.

Imagine Greg at 24, exhausted from med school and a little choked up watching the finale of a show he's spent half his life watching.

Greg starting our his doctor's career with a hatred of doctor's coats like Hawkeye hated uniforms. He knows it's a cliché for doctors of this era to love Mash so it's his own dirty little secret. The thought of wearing a Hawaiian shirt one day has crossed his mind, but is ultimately rejected because it's not worth the teasing, or really his style.

Greg brings his love of banter and hatred of authority right into his work environment. He also has had no problem mixing the bleak with a sense of humor, maybe a residual effect of so many episodes of Mash.

He also maybe took Henry's season 1 speech about doctors not being able to save young men from dying maybe a bit too seriously, and that mixed with his own cynicism has helped inform his distance from his patients.

House meeting Cuddy and him taking great joy from their Margaret/Hawkeye "pushing back against authority but also kind of flirting" . He knows it'll never work, but damn if it isn't fun. It's fantasy straight out of his teenage years.

His ducklings (Cameron, Foreman, Chase) are his other assorted characters of the camp to bounce off of - the Radars, Klingers, and whatnot. He'll run circles around them verbally, but they have the potential to surprise him with a good idea or a clever comment.

When he met Wilson, it was like meeting his own tentmate in the Swamp. He maybe envisioned a little of having their own Swamp when he convinced Cuddy to move Wilson in next door. He was always sure Wilson was his BJ, with his commitment to his wives - even if maybe he went through them like Trapper did with nurses. But when Wilson left after Amber's death, he wondered if Wilson was maybe really his Trapper all along and his BJ didn't exist. When Wilson came back, House immediately thought back to BJ coming back to Hawkeye in the finale.

Wilson is the only one, other than his mother, who knows of his secret love of Mash. Wilson is also fond of it (he maybe internalized Hawkeye's commitment to his patients). And he sees a bit of Hawkeye in House's sense of humor. They occasionally watch it together and will makes jokes about it when the team or Cuddy aren't around. That said, Wilson has to convince House every so often that "No, we're not building our own still."

[gryficowa]

Boycott!

Tia… Apparently "Beetlejuice 2" came out (Now there's a wave of it like with everything else), but I don't care, sorry, I'm not a Burton fanatic, a few good jokes and nice shots are never enough for me (That's why I was never fan of the movie "Avatar", for me its hype is too inflated, because the only thing that shows good computer graphics, but the story is meh)

And yes, I grew up watching Tim Burton's Willy Wonka, but even that didn't make me like his work, hello, I didn't even watch "Wendstey" and then everyone was talking about it and making memes out of it…

My taste is specific, I often like things that others don't like (Reboot "Ben 10" and "Be Cool Scooby Doo") and I don't like things that others love ("Rick and Morty" as it was popular, actually, I'm still not a fan of this, sorry, not enough moments that I liked, or "Violetta", someone explain to me why this shit was popular? It was boring and characters as dimensional as Bill Cipher's…)

My taste is simply too different (Maybe because of my origins, but still, it doesn't matter that something is cult if I don't like it…)

And yes, my memories of the movie BJ are so meh, and the end of the movie left me with a bad taste… I don't know, it's just a typical problem with Burton's work, I have the impression that as a director and creator he is overrated (I don't know what word put it here, ok?)

And yes, I have ASD (Before someone with Ableism gets away from me, I'm a person with ASD, so I can say that I don't like his work, I'm a weirdo myself and I have strange taste, but it doesn't change the fact that I have problems with his work, I'm sorry, but I won't change it, I can't fully describe what I don't like, because because of ASD I have problems with describing my feelings, so, as I mentioned, I appreciate the look of the shots and a few gags, but even that won't make me love something, I can't be bought that easily, I need honest character dynamics, and this is something what bothers me about his work, I know, We, people with ASD, have a problem with showing emotions in some cases, or with describing them, but something just doesn't feel right to me and I really can't describe it, the only way I can describe it is that it's quite… Stiff? I know, maybe it doesn't fit to describe what I feel, but I don't feel that the characters reflect each other or have any relationship with each other, the only thing they have in common is the script and dialogues… I'm also tired of the fact that sometimes there is a forced romance, I know, a typical problem with hetero relationships in productions, but it just looks like "Hey, he's straight, so don't worry "that he's a hidden gay or something," but okay, it's a common problem, especially in the last century and at the beginning of this one, which doesn't change the fact that I have my problems with Burton, so yes, even reboots that are hated, at least give something in return, i.e. character dynamics, so you understand, it's a problem that is difficult for me to describe as a person with ASD, but even I have something that doesn't suit me…)

I guess the fandom will hate me for having the nerve to talk about the problems I have with something that's iconic in the USA… But I just can't convince myself that I like something because it's iconic, sorry I have different tastes , but it's not my fault, there's nothing wrong with liking something and there's nothing wrong with not liking something, if it makes you happy and helped you get through a difficult period (GF, vocaloid and musical BJ, that happened to me…), then it's ok if they harass you for liking it (Because they consider it immature or cringe) then that's fine it's their problem, not you, it's the same if you don't like something (Sorry, I'm not a Lydia X Beetlejuice fanatic, I don't like a ship based on a long-time demon and a minor character… Relationship? Okay, lovers? sus)

Now that I have your attention:

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm writing again, it irritates me, I often don't know what to write, which is why I often see the text "Boycott" and a GIF, or I write and I start to worry that the collections won't reach people because they won't read it to the end…

My feelings towards the Beetlejuice/Tim Burton movie will probably also cause a lot of controversy… Eh… It's less of a worry than the fact that the collections don't arrive…

I'm just tired of the fact that many great artists are underrated, and those who often create something bland are the most overrated, we have so many great creators, but they can't stand out and that's something that really depresses me, I want more artists with ASD and they can prove it even to Burton that they know the dynamics of characters, I just want more creators with ASD, give them a fucking chance, why do they have to not have a diagnosis to achieve anything? This sucks…

[marley-manson]

I go on a lot about BJ's flaws because they're what make him interesting to me, but I gotta say I love to view Hawkeye, especially with regards to his relationship with BJ, as like... what's the right word? Stubborn? Judgemental? Take-charge (in a way that incidentally doesn't negate him being subby in bed but rather makes it a more interesting dynamic lol)? Demanding?

He leads and he automatically expects his friends to follow, and if they don't he'll make his judgy displeasure known. He's extremely empathetic towards people as a general rule but a typical exception is when they're his close friends and they go against his judgement or fail to meet his expectations.

Based on how I perceive Hawkeye's character as a whole, I would actually sum it up as Hawkeye getting a little irrationally upset when he's ignored as a presence, someone who has an effect in his friends lives.

I'm thinking of The Bus when BJ wants to include Frank in a conversation and Hawkeye snaps at him for it; or Hawkeye watching BJ standing politely for Margaret in The Gun and giving him a very pointed disapproving look; or the way he initiates his appendix scheme in Preventative Medicine without consulting with BJ at all, just assuming he'll go along with it; or the way BJ is able to goad him about the joke by not laughing at it in Dear Uncle Abdul; or the way Hawkeye gets upset when BJ doesn't join him in his outrage in Give Em Hell Hawkeye; or the way he accuses BJ of not being loyal in The Most Unforgettable Characters, or Commander Pierce even (though I think the latter ep is ooc in many ways, aspects do potentially fit this take on Hawk.)

Or, for non-BJ examples, arguably trying to convince Carlye to divorce her husband for him; getting mad at distant childhood friends when they don't humour his paranoia about his nightmares in Hawk's Nightmare; his judginess towards Borelli in The Consultant when he fails to live up to Hawkeye's first impression of him; there's a little moment in Private Charles Lamb where Trapper interrupts Hawkeye mid-joke and Hawkeye gives him such an irritated look lol...

And of course it's all largely a function of his role as a protagonist with very strong opinions: the anti-authority attitude as a cornerstone of the show, and the way he's almost always the one who initiates and takes the lead in the show's plotlines. And it informs his two closest relationships on the show, with Trapper and BJ both as followers to his leader.

There are plenty of examples of him following another's lead as well, since he's not someone who particularly cares about being in charge of anything - Carry On Hawkeye, his indifference to being Chief Surgeon in Chief Surgeon Who, Twas the Day After Christmas where he's completely checked out and doesn't care at all about the authority roleswap, his usual respect for Potter, BJ masterminding a few pranks, etc. It's not about needing to be an authority figure or being unable to switch to a more supportive role when the situation calls for it.

It's about needing to affect people, imo. It goes along with his urge to entertain, to be seen, to be enjoyed as a spectacle, because he too easily feels invisible as part of the army (The Interview). It fits his tirade against the army wanting them to blend into the background in fatigues, in Peace on Us. It works as the source of his outrage when his things are used without permission (Picture This, Follies of the Living with the clothes peg).

I'd say he hates being disagreed with, dismissed, ignored, or misunderstood to a somewhat irrational extent because it feels like being unseen, invalidated, invisible. Being stuck in the army, in a situation totally outside his control where he's viewed by the higher authorities as just a number definitely exacerbates it, but I think it's a part of his core personality.

Honestly, to get a little interestingly weird with it, I could even believe that part of the appeal of being a surgeon for him is the physical impact on people - the proof when he saves a leg or a life that he had his hands in someone and changed them. He does canonically use pretty unique and recognizable sutures after all.

This is mostly a headcanony take since I don't necesssarily think these nuances are really intended lol, and there are definitely plenty of moments that don't fit this vibe since Hawkeye is fairly well-rounded as a character and person overall. Sometimes he's more easy going and chill. It's more just me tying some patterns together in a way that I think makes sense with Hawkeye's character and the way he embodies the 'acting out in a warzone' theme.

And I don't think it's all flaws either - Hawkeye's force of personality is usually a virtue in the show. He does a lot of good with his refusal to back down, and his impact on people is probably pretty positive overall. If he inspires others to rebel more, question authority, be more true to themselves, be more openly emotional, etc, I think that's great.

But like, it's also kind of fucked up as an interpersonal dynamic, particularly with a more passive best friend who seems to often resent how much limelight Hawkeye takes up, and particularly in the army environment I think Hawkeye's urge to make himself seen, understood, and agreed with becomes pronounced to a pretty offputting degree at times. It leads to a very one-sided dynamic between him and his two best friends which imo is very interesting to explore.

[thebreakfastgenie]

beejhawk 👀

LMAO I was just sitting here like "no one even bothers to send me beejhawk anymore" but bless you to the bottom of your pot-stirring heart, anon.

Don’t Ship It

Why don’t you ship it? I have several reasons, which I will get into it, but I'm going to start with this one: I like a happy ending. Beejhawk cannot be a happy ending to me. I'm not entirely convinced any Hawkeye/4077th ship being endgame can be a happy ending, even the ones I like. I want to see Hawkeye move on from the war, which is what GFA is setting him up to do. Beejhawk keeps him stuck with the war defining his life. That's depressing to me. In the larger narrative of Hawkeye's life, it's important to me that the war is unimportant. The war being how Hawkeye met the love of his life gives me the ick. It implicitly suggests the war was somehow worth it. I can't think of a single reason why I would ship it. I think the biggest reason is it's simply too OOC for me. I cannot believe that Hawkeye would be in love with BJ. That is not Hawkeye to me. I actually can believe that BJ would be in love with Hawkeye, even though BJ is extremely straight to me, but I can't see Hawkeye reciprocating, ever. I've read some beejhawk fic and a lot of posts, and the way Hawkeye behaves and is characterized doesn't just feel wrong to me, it feels wrong in the way I hate the most. BJ is usually wildly OOC too. The other big reason is the complete lack of chemistry. They have negative romantic chemistry to me. This is a much smaller reason, but the things people get from beejhawk I get from other ships that make more sense to me. For a best friends ship, I have piercentyre. If I want to ship Hawkeye with someone repressed, I have hawnk or houlihawk. Sometimes I joke about this but it's kind of true that I don't need beejhawk because I have hawnk. The Joke Is Wild? Hawnk did it first. I genuinely do not understand why beejhawk is a ship at all, except that they're the two main guys. If I didn't know how slash culture worked, I would have been shocked that it even existed. In the last few seasons, I'm not even convinced they like each other. I found myself asking "do these guys even like each other?" about the alleged best friends more than once, and I had to actively rev up my suspension of disbelief to enjoy their goodbye properly the first time I watched GFA. I very strongly dislike any framing of MASH as a love story, and I have yet to find beejhawk content that doesn't turn it into the Ballad of Hawkeye and BJ. Piercentyre is fun for me, because it really changes the show very little. Beejhawk requires me to rewire the entire show, and I don't want to. A lot of moments that I adore become less meaningful to me if they're shippy. For example, Where There's a Will, There's a War. "When I wake up remind me to give you a kiss" is an expression of BJ's profound relief and a wonderful resolution to the anxiety and guilt he's been feeling for the whole episode. It's hyperbole that only works because they don't normally kiss or want to kiss. It always brings to mind a lyric from a song about WWII: "and I never kissed so many men as on that afternoon." It's not about romance, it's about being glad to be alive. I just like the show better without beejhawk. I started out a little more neutral and my visceral revulsion built through overexposure. There was also an assumption that you shipped beejhawk that I really resented. Especially because of the implications around it being slash. I am gay, I ship gay ships, I ship other gay ships in MASH. I don't ship beejhawk. I'm not required to ship every single gay ship. So all those beejhawk posts about "gay people love this" or "gay people think that" bother me and turn me off even more.

What would have made you like it? Completely different acting/chemistry. Something completely different from what I ever see the fandom do with it. I could probably be sold on unrequited (BJ's side only) or unhappy ending beejhawk in fic if it was really well done. This is your chance to plug! I think a realistic handling of it would help too. The show gives me a BJ who is as far from leaving his family as a man can be. I need to be convinced that something would change that. Meta claiming he's actually close to leaving in the show does not work for me, it directly contradicts what I see. I need writers to dig into it. Actually show me the dissolution of BJ's marriage, the pain and consequences. Show me how he manages to stay in his daughter's life, if he does. Brokeback Mountain does not shy away from how badly Ennis treats his wife and how absent he is to his children. My experience with beejhawk is that much angst is made of the obstacles to their being together, but they're quickly dispatched with. Tell me what Hawkeye sees in BJ, because I don't see it in the show.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? It inspired me to make these. I've been thinking lately that this lyric fits beejhawk "perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies." If you know me, you know this is something positive from me, because it's from what I think is one of the best songs ever written. There is some interesting potential. Just get out of the true love box! Try something dark, something one-sided (BJ's side), something that ends badly! I do really like their friendship in the first few BJ seasons.

[the-fiction-witch]

The Tank Test

Media Orbit Ever After

Character Nigel

Couple Nigel X Reader

Rating Smut

Kinktober Day Four

Kinktober Concept Sensory Deviation

Smut Sensory dev / nudity / hj / bj / jizz/

"Explain this to me again?" I asked as we prepared in the locker room getting changed our the usual jumpsuit 

"You have to go in the tank to check if you can handle stasis it's basic company rules Nigel" y/n sighed across the room but I did my best not to look over even if I wanted to

"So why are you coming?"

"So you don't die," she says  

"you coming?" 

"Yeah yeah give me a sec," I told her as I finished up changing into the thin almost paper-like clothes and when I came through into the main sensory tank Room I saw her prepping the large blue tank in her black skin tight swimsuit that left little to the imagination and immediately I put my hands In Front of me attempting to conceal my erection "can you at least get me a warm towel?" I joked but she didn't look amused just glaring at me "Sorry"

'it's fine Nigel" she rolled her eyes finishing up with her tests "Come on then," she said leaving the tablet  she had been working on and diving into the blue water 

I was nervous but watching her reamurge and run her hand across her hair was basically Enough to convince me. I climbed into the sweet slightly cool water not cold but cooler than I expected "Okay, now remember there is nothing to be scared of" she said "You ready Nigel?"

"Yeah I'm ready" I nodded 

"Good, any issues hand signal okay?"

"Okay" 

"Good boy" she smiled as she grabbed the mask from the side helping me to slip it on over my nose and mouth I took a couple of short breaths and found it fairly easy to breathe "Okay?" She asked and I nodded giving her an okay signal "Good, now just relax and let the world melt" she explained as she helped me slip on a black eye mask completely shutting out the world I did my best not to panic as I felt the water rise feeling it head up my body until it passed my ears blocking out all sound 

Just breathe, just breathe

We have to do this 

We get to go on stasis trips! More places! More money! More… y/n in a jumpsuit and I'm always down for more y/n in a jumpsuit or swimsuit or anything really more y/n is always appreciated. 

It was beyond strange without light, sights, sounds, or even feelings. The water felt like nothing like I was just floating away the fabric around me felt like nothing I merely escaped into my mind hoping for philosophy or a mental breakthrough.

"Bum bum bum bum… bum bum bum… bum bum bum" 

Come on brain! Be cool and epic for once! We have to have something more intelligent to think about. If we pass this test we get stasis that's literally twenty years alone with my thoughts! Isn't there anything interesting bouncing around in my head?

Y/n's swimsuit is pretty. 

And tight

Ummm I wonder what's happening under it

Uhh imagine her in stasis clothes

Ummm imagine if our pods got out next to each other, twenty years next to y/n I'd barely contain myself

For a moment I wondered where she even was has she got out when the pool flooded? She's meant to be here so I don't die? But she doesn't have the air thing?

Ohh yeah, she's a lisimen they can breathe underwater why do I always forget that about y/n. Probably because I'm too focused on her boobs. And her butt. Really any of her.  How long have I been in here? The test must be almost over by now?

I jumped as I felt something touch me but I did my best to stay calm and not panic. Maybe just y/n swimming in the pool with me. Ummm maybe she is swimming around me, maybe she can come give me a little cuddle to warm me up.

And just as I thought that I felt her arms wrap around me I was so heightened to every sensation given I had so few of my senses every inch of me that she touched made my whole body shiver I noticed her hands sitting on my stomach her head nuzzling into my neck ummmm I'm so cosy maybe we could stasis like this cuddled together all sweet and cosy. But I noticed her hand slipped down under my paper-like shorts and immediately I melted for her feeling so oversensitive from the deprivation her gentle strokes felt overwhelmingly pleasurable so much I gently moaned for her 

"Ummmmm y/n" 

She peppered little kisses across my neck and continued to touch me which only made me more overwhelmed it all felt so good I wanted to see her to hear her to be able to kiss her but this felt so good I never wanted it to end and admittedly it was so relaxing to just float with no sound, no sights, no light and has a beautiful soft hand jerk me off I see why people pay money for this. I was getting close but she moved her hand away 

NOOOOOOOO! Y/n come back my little flower please! 

But I wasn't waiting long as I felt her rug my shorts down and then take me into her mouth

"Ohhhhhh my god-" I groaned immediately hitting my wall of pleasure sending ripples through my whole body curling my toes and flexing my fingers and I reached a higher plane 

Floating weightlessly, without sight or sound, in the pleasure of post-orgasm.

I'd never been so relaxed in my life 

She pulled away and I felt the water go down until it stopped at my shoulders she helped me out of the masks letting me see her and breathe normally as she fixed her lip where some of my seed had leaked from her lip 

"Whoa…"

"You passed" she smiled "I'll grab you a towel" she said climbing out and it was then I noticed she was completely naked 

"Uuuuuuuhhh okay … uhh y/n?"

"Yes Nigel?"

"That was amazing' I told her as I climbed out 

"Good, well as you going to be in stasis now I'll have someone to spend my boring twenty years trips with" She smiled kissing my cheek throwing me a towel and heading off to change 

[majorbaby]

@gracehansonfailwife any specific mash character combinations you enjoy? loads. i don't think there is a third that i cannot somehow make work with trapper and hawkeye, even if the results are genuinely gross haha [nervous] like the bar is they must be a legal adult and a non-blood relative, anything else goes.

but specifically the ones i've thought about at length, have written, am writing or would like to write someday: (all but one of these is nsfw btw - sorry i'm like this)

Hawkeye/Trapper/Margaret- am currently writing this, lots of plans for them.

Hawkeye/Trapper/Oliver - wrote this, have an idea for a postwar sequel that i'd really love to do eventually. Tied for favourite with Hawk/Trap/Margaret. Genuinely do think these three could hang post-war and have a good time.

Hawkeye/Trapper/BJ - will definitely do it eventually. probably a BJ-goes-to-Maine-and-Trapper's-already-there-fraught-sex-ensues thing.

Hawkeye/Trapper/Louise - i'm finally am past my writer's block on this. i was stuck for so long because i couldn't make it work in my head, and now i'm just convinced i need to finish it, i've been working pretty hard on it recently.

Hawkeye/Trapper/Ginger - they cheer her up thoroughly after Frank gives her a hard time. It's important to me that this happened.

Hawkeye/Frank/Margaret - They all want each other on some level. I think Margaret would really like to see Frank fuck Hawkeye, or Hawkeye fuck Frank. Or both.

BJ/Hawkeye/Peg - but bad lol. I don't think BJ would last more than a week in a poly situation. I would like to write that one very terrible week.

i have this cracky BJ/Trapper/Peg/Louise AU based on the movie Score (very nsfw) I've been working on since last Christmas when I decided my Christmas movie was going to be a 70s erotic fever dream. It's heavy on the Beej/Trap and Peg/Louise but they come together at the end for an orgy. Don't know if I'll ever publish it because it's so out there but I'm having fun writing it.

also a cracky Hawkeye/Trapper/Carlye fic I'm planning out that is more dramatic and plotty than anything else on this list. It shouldn't technically be a threesome but I may not be able to resist.

Would love to do Hawkeye/Frank while BJ watches on in horror but is secretly turned on and jacks off about it later... if that counts.

the lone non-pornographic thing on this list is the postwar Radar/Sparky/Patty thing I have planned.

I've worked out a Hawkeye/Trapper/Frank/Margaret situation in my head, and I would love to write it someday. Embarrassing for all parties and they never speak of it again. The chemistry these four have on screen is unmatched imo. One big messed up family.

hard dubcon femdom Trapper/Dish/Margie situation beneath the cut

Trapper/Dish/Margie "virility kink" which I've just learned about. Trapper thinks he's having the threesome of his dreams until they tie him up, take the condom off and put the fear of god into him that he'll knock one of them up and be completely fucked over (he jokes in "Check Up" that his being "fertile" is what gave him the ulcer!). he's unfortunately very turned on by this whole situation and maybe asks them to do it again sometime.

[soullikethesea]

Stuff...

TWs all over... for emotional abuse, sexual abuse , sex in general

"I try to keep this pain inside, but I will never be alright

I'm lost in these memories

Living inside my own illusion

Lost all my dignity

Living inside my own confusion"

Those are the lyrics that Fox keeps repeating over and over.

And it all falls together.

The memories of my mum (no words). I really felt like her emotional abuse made me lose my dignity. I felt sub-human, worth less than a grain of sand. I felt that I must be evil. And so very bad. And she outwardly rejected me. I mean, she'd literally tell me that she wanted me gone. She used my cat to manipulate me. She would barge in my room at all hours to scream at me. She'd lock me out of the house. She said she'd buy champagne to celebrate that I was gone, when she kicked me out and sent me to my dad's. (Where I also wasn't allowed to stay, by the way).

I feel the anger and defeat.

Then it's also mixed with the feeling of finding new friendships. And I also fell in love. So many possibilities. Somewhere deep inside I realized that I was gay and I was quite okay with that, mostly because it was mostly just exciting to find out.

But I was also really worried about my parents finding out, especially my dad. He made a lot of mean jokes about gay people. Then at some point I told Bf, and he was the one who fully scared me about it. It was a major hit to my self-esteem, mostly because I basically believed everything he could say. He said that gay people are genetically inferior and that I would never ever be able to make a girl happy.

His comments hit so deep... I already believed that I was excluded from being able to have relationships with most people in general, because he said I would probably scare them away because I have self-harm scars. That also scared me a lot and made me feel much more insecure.

Then I hooked up with a friend a few years later. She wasn't gay, but just wanted to "try it out" and I had a crush on her, so I didn't think about it really. I thought it was pretty fun/interesting, but she knew my insecurities (I'd told her about what Bf said) and she said that indeed there was something missing. Rather than realising that this was about her not being gay + both of us being totally inexperienced, I drew it all inside. She also asked me not to tell anyone, which made it a lot more isolating because we only had mutual friends.

I walked away from that with deep, deep insecurities that still play a huge role. I still feel too afraid to try to date women. I still feel convinced that no one could like me and that I wouldn't be able to make anyone happy.

And the thing that hurts me a lot looking back, is how Bf used this to his advantage. He really convinced me that he was my only option of a person who would want to be with me, and also the only escape from my mum. I was aching for help.

He said he would teach me how to have sex and all that. He said we'd build it up in steps. And he basically had a plan on how to build it up in one week. Except his plan didn't really work for me and my body. (Plus, I'm not attracted to guys so it all felt really counter-intuitive).

In that stupid dream that I had last week, I was giving him a BJ. And I hate how I can remember so much about that. And I hate that eventually that's what I preferred, because intercourse would hurt So Much. It was so freaking painful. Now I know about the endo, but back then I couldn't explain it at all. And he thought we just had to practice more. And so we did. And it was really traumatizing.

And I feel that vulnerability and insecurity from back then. And I hate that I let someone take me in their hold. And I feel the intense betrayal that Mae feels, especially when he overtly assaulted us. That was so devastating for any feeling of control or trust that we had left. And for Fox it just felt like he was pushed to the side and ignored, because we did do that. He never even really liked Bf.

So when Fox comes close, I have so many things to cry about. Tonight it was about how I feel too ruined to have a relationship, let alone one that I would actually enjoy.

And the things about my parents. Their abuse feels heavy on my shoulders. Like I crumble under the pressure, and turn into what they saw in me. Bad intentions, zero worth, so much of a burden - needs to be disposed of.

[eddie-redcliff]

Okay another day another fic i won't write. So hawkeye/bj. who knows whether this premise holds any water So Potter is in seoul visiting the hospital there where he runs into sidney. Sidney pulls him aside and is like "Listen there's this big name phych going around to a bunch of units. And this guys gives out blue discarges like candy, if he gets the slightest hint that there might be something queer about a guy he'll double down on them until he gets them. Now you and I both know that hawkeye likes to make his little jokes, but you need to tell him that when this guy gets down to your unit there will be no space for that. I know he likes to mess with any visiting brass that comes through but you gotta remind him that it's not just his military career - but also his medical one on the line here." And potter who of course loves his surgeons very much but also has heard the shit that comes out of hawkeyes mouth is like "will do." So a few weeks later word gets out that yeah this major or colonel phych it coming to the 4077 and after anouncing that to the staff he's like "captain peirce you should stay back a muinet.. and you better too klinger." and is like "listen. love you guys. but no fruitiness okay i don't want you two to get fired i need you." (but of course in lexicon more fitting of a man born in the 1800s) This is where the plot really starts. Hawkeye is like "I don't physically think i could stop making gay jokes about myself I don't even realize i'm doing it half the time" and potter is like "Well you better stop! How bout you make a concious effort starting now and by the time he gets here your brain will be used to it. " So hawkeye is like "okay. for the next 2 weeks i will be the straightest man alive." and compleatly stops with all the gay jokes, all the flirting with men, all the feminization, ect. BJ meanwhile was not privy to this convo. From his POV his best friend has suddenly been acting.. weird. off. not as friendly as usual. not as up in his personal state. It's been at least 2 days since hawkeye has so much as called him by a pet name. So BJ is convinced that hawkeye is mad at him or something - what other reason would there be for this sudden cold shoulder. Problem is they still spend all their time together, they still play chess and eat lunch (though slightly further apart) and read their mail to each other. So he can't even say that Hawkeye is no longer treating him as a friend.. because he is. It just feels like a step down from whatever they were last week... Now i don't know how this will all work out. i'll think about it while i try to fall asleep. largely a lot of the middle part is bj (master gaslighter) feeling like he is being gaslit into thinking nothing is wrong with hawkeye but really he's not he's just paranoid and missing his boyfriend. Potential scenes or ends: - BJ gets to worried about what he thinks is hawkeyes unexplained behavior that he calls in SIDNEY off all people like "Sidney i'm worried hawkeye hasn't called me babygirl in a while do you think he's sick?" - BJ goes around to all the other members of the camp/hawks friedns and is like "hey does he seem weird to you" and they are like "he's normal that's normal hawkeye." and BJ is like "NO IT"S NOT" and they are like "you are crazy.." - He straight up confronts hawkeye and hawk is like "this is a normal male friendship. you ever see me blow charles good night kisses? - the phych leaves and hawkeye immedietly drops the bit and everyone is like "okay now that he's back to doing it we realize what was different you were right BJ - hawkeye, being very careful to not reveal his bisexuality, makes no effort at all to hide his hatred for the US goverment, the concept of militaries, or the US army. and so he gets written up anyways for being a communist. - the phych is like "this Dr. Hunnicut is almost obsessed with this Dr. Peirce... something to investigate there..." Okay.. will think more. this is very vauge.

[honey-heart369]

M*a*s*h episodes I'd write I was in charge but I'm obsessed with little silly details/jokes

- Klinger based episode where he's homesick from Toledo (more than usual). So Hawkeye convinces the main cast to help set up an Ohio themed party for Klinger.

Except none of them know anything about Ohio or Toledo. So they make up a bunch of stuff they've heard that is maybe possibly but definitely not true. Like cows dressed as scarecrows or they make some random Ohio dish that's horrifically wrong. Or make it a Radar episode and instead of Ohio it's Iowa.

- Hawkeye's dad manages to visit everyone at the 4077 (while in decent health and shape, before the real ep. About his surgery) while Hawkeye is gone for mysterious reasons, but because Hawkeye's face is the spitting image of his dad, everyone think Hawkeye just put on this elaborate costume and act because he's really bored.

They don't find out until they try to make the guy preform surgery. He's not bad at it. He's just serious and professional the whole time and that IMMEDIATELY tips everyone off that this might not actually be Hawkeye. When Hawkeye does come back for real no one tells him about it and pretend it was all very boring without him. His dad leaves without seeing Hawkeye which wasn't what he planned and misses him by just a few mins.

- Colonel Potter gets pranked one time really good and doesn't find out who and starts the most intense and insane prank war ever. Like who gave this old man enough wrapping paper cover every single item and crevasse in the mess tent, and how did he turn all of the men's clothing pink overnight (Klinger loses all his dresses and/or is only left with unflattering colors/styles). It only ends after the person who 'pranked' Potter was Father Mulcahy and it happened on accident and didn't realize he left such a funny trap for the Colonel

-Hawkeye challenges Frank to be just like him for a month because he thinks Frank can't handle being fun for that long (Not really. Hawkeye is mostly looking to distract Frank and just have him take a chill pill). Frank accepts this challenge. First day or so goes awful, he's still very much like himself. Bj and others give him some half-hearted and mostly non-serious advice for how to be like Hawkeye.

Next few days he's doing far better, not quite as cool or funny but better. Then halfway or more through the challenge everyone is saying Frank is the new and improved Hawkeye, now frustrating Hawkeye and acting like Frank in turn unintentionally when Frank says he might just keep this up forever, liking this new version of himself.

Eventually though Frank just bursts at the seams when Hawkeye does many of the most Hawkeye things ever and annoy Frank until he can't handle it anymore. Once Frank blows up Peace has been restored and everything is back to the way it should be.

mash episodes i'd write if i was in charge:

klinger hosts a convention for guys trying to get out on a section 8 on the same day a general is visiting the 4077

hawkeye and sidney scrambling to make a seder plate out of army rations for passover

klinger holds a korean war themed met gala 20 years before the met gala had themes

you've heard of the episodes where the nurses are evacuated and the men have to cope without them now get ready for episode that follows the nurses when they evacuate

normal mash episode but everyone has bj's moustache. it's never mentioned.

bottle episode where shelling causes the main cast to be stuck in the OR and they go full lord of the flies

episode where bj is getting pranked relentlessly and he's the only one it's happening to in the camp, it's revealed at the end he was pranking himself and lying about it

[wh0lemilk0vich]

been thinking of stuff that could work for both steve or eddie, oblivious wg came to mind and i think that really does it for me!

like oh boy these jeans are getting tight while the other half is just like . @_@ yeah no shit babe !!

especially when y’all were talking about the “clothes shrunken in the wash” scenario before (loved the art for that btw!!!)

and then one day it just like. hits them. like you didn’t tell me ??? if steve were the one to put on weight i definitely think he’d be sheepish and maybe even a little insecure, eddie’s just like “yeah idk i thought you knew. all good tho because it’s hot”

in eddie’s case he would be a little shocked at first cause he was a beanpole all throughout his life until seemingly now but would quickly roll with it after some gentle praise from steve (and a good bj)

thoughts?

wormie !! 🪱

Ughhhh hell yeah, wormie 🪱!!

Chef's kiss amazing stuff. God I love your asks

This is so good. I like it in both directions the way you described it.

You're absolutely right that Steve would be insecure but Eddie would be so lascivious about it 😈 he'd be like

"Damn, you didn't know Stevie!? Shit, here I thought you were doing it on purpose to drive me fucking crazy!!"

"wait what...you mean-?"

"Do you know what your ass, does to me Stevie?" Like so turned on he's whining, grabbing Steve's shirt by the neck to pull him in and then reaching around him in a hug to smack and grab his bigger cheeks and grind against his crotch "Fuck you're just getting so damn beefy, lucky I'm a carnivore, baby."

"So you don't mind?"

"Mmmm baby let me show you how little I mind. Gonna make you my fat little housewifey. Damn Stevie, you're lucky you know, a different set of equipment and I'd be filling you with a litter of metal head pups...I'll settle for filling you up another way."

And yessss Eddie would be shocked at first, literally delusionally convinced he's a beanpole and deaf to Steve's early hints. Unable to understand subtlety.

Like it probably happens when Eddie spills something on his shirt or pants and he's like

"It's cool, you can just lend me something of yours."

Steve just laughs thinking it's a joke

"what's so funny?" He asks sincerely, soft dopey smile on his face, like when a puppy turns its head to the side.

"Oh.. I just mean...you're like a lot bigger than me...now."

"What? You're hilarious, babe, quit messing around. I'll settle for like gym bottoms and a henley.

"I mean, ok, Edd..."

"Jeez Stevie, since when do you wear kids sizes?"

"Those are actually hand-me-downs from my pops."

"Well shit, huh. Guess I've gotten pretty fat, huh, Stevie."

And Steve's getting all hot and squirmy.

"I mean kinda...can I um tell you something though."

"I guess I can lose it, fuck, I hate moving and sweating."

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO- *ahem* I mean, you don't have to do that. I was going to say that um, I, uh, really like it, actually."

"Well shit, Harrington. Could told me sooner you were a chubby chaser. Wouldn'ta held back on looking like a pig this long."

"Yeah, well I mean it's not something you just blurt ou- ...You've been holding back?"

"Oh I'm gonna give you a boner so hard" starts stalking toward Steve

"...Think I can feed you out of those?"

"Guess we'll have to try and find out, and we'll just have to buckle down and keep at it until we do it. I love learning new pervy shit about you, Stevie! Grab the Nutella, will you?"

(also I don't have an mpreg kink but I think Eddie would 10000% have a breeding kink and talk all lovey and dopily about filling Steve up with babies 😂)

[class1akids]

I'm really glad that the big three and best Jeanist got time to shine. Like I know there's this shift in ideology between new gen and old gen but I like that mha still makes the old gen important and not completely useless in the sense that new gen doesn't need them at all.

Yeah, the Big 3 combo was quite neat and while BJ didn’t do much technically, his moment with Bakugou for once was really good and not a joke.

I loved the way he talked to Bakugou - not pity, but still full of empathy.

And let’s not forget that BJ has been exactly in Bakugou’s position:

Beaten, mocked and dissed by AFO, who shrugged off his attack as it was nothing and gave BJ a potentially career-ending injury.

So when he talks about Shigaraki being in different dimension that can’t be reached with experience - it’s because he experienced that overwhelming, soul-crushing gap himself. And when he admires Bakugou’s focus and will to continue to fight, it’s because he himself knows what it takes.

And maybe BJ is cautious and inclined to play for time, I think it won’t take much for Bakugou to convince him and his support will help rally the others.

The kids ideals are pulling the grown-ups with them, but it was visible with the Flaming sidekicks or with Endeavor and Hawks, they will go into any length to try to protect them.

I’m not sure Hori will manage to include all the pros, they already had their moment in the war arc - but they won’t be passive and useless either.

[fluffyblaire]

I wonder if Touya being responsible for Hawks' injuries would play a role in how Hawks responds to Endeavor's past? I'm sure hawks can distinguish between Endeavor the hero and Enji the father, but Enji the father's actions looks like its going to indirectly result in a very personal loss for Hawks (his wings) and I wonder if Hawks will view Endeavor as partly responsible

Nonnie, you bring up an interesting point but personally, I don’t think Hawks would connect Endeavor to his injuries/the loss of his wings. That’s not the type of person he is imo. Hawks has a pattern of blaming himself when things go down; he doesn’t point the finger at anyone even subconsciously, even when it’s perfectly justified to point the finger at someone else. It’s self-destructive as hell, but that’s how I understand Hawks handles failures. 

Endeavor’s injuries in the Hood fight were Hood and by extension Dabi’s fault, but Hawks still looks this guilty even after confronting Dabi and if he could sincerely apologize to Endeavor without blowing his double agent mission (he sneaks a casual apology in once Endeavor recovers, but it was so flippant Endeavor deadass thought he didn’t mean it lmao), he would.

At his first PLF rally, Hawks’ immediate thought is self-deprecating: “I was too late and now, he’s got this much.” He immediately takes responsibility for the PLF’s formation because he wasn’t fast enough to stop it. Nevermind that he made it into a rally which is a major accomplishment to be proud of but no, he immediately thinks that he should have done better.

When he brought the BJ body to Dabi—again, he just accomplished something big—he immediately questions Dabi about Deika City and views the violence there as his responsibility because he couldn’t bring down the League beforehand. 

Even when he knew the Commission was taking advantage of him, he still goes:

He makes this little joke, but look at what he’s actually saying. He still acknowledges that at the end of his day, it’s he himself who can’t refuse. The decision is his responsibility.

See this pattern? It’s always if I had been faster, if I have been better, I’m too late, and I can’t refuse.

Hawks has a very strong sense of personal responsibility. He may express otherwise externally for performative reasons but internally, he simply doesn’t trace blame back to others (even when he should). I don’t think he’ll even blame Dabi over his injuries much less Endeavor. Instead, I can picture Hawks looking back on that situation and just thinking about how he could have done better. If only he was better at convincing Bubaigawara, if only he didn’t turn his back to where Dabi entered, maybe he would still have his wings, Tokoyami wouldn’t have been in danger and traumatized, and Bubaigawara would still be alive. 

I also believe that we are going to see Hawks use this line on Endeavor when Endeavor sees what happened to him. This foreshadowing is standard Horikoshi writing imo. And I think it would be a little out of character for Hawks to say “my injuries are my own responsibility” and not mean it since he’ll likely deliver it as a joke (calling back to the humorous way he responded to Endeavor saying it), and Hawks has a long-running habit (around other pros and students) of joking around while actually speaking his heart.

At least that’s how I see it ✨ If you’re interested in more thoughts about Hawks’ potential response to Endeavor’s abusive past, I answered a general ask about that over here~ 

[harleiquina]

Well... I didn't feel like making post but given that it's going to be a looooooong answer, I might as well do so.

I know that people reacts on a very passionate way around the subject so I'll just state the facts as they were told (and documented) so you can form your own opinion.

Back in July a podcast from Tortoise Media presented 4 women speaking against him in different tipes of sexual misconduct. (I'll order them from less to worse)

There was a 5th woman that served mostly as witness given that she did had a consensual intercourse with him and did verified that he would usually do that kind of things (BDSM), but she didn't accused him of abuse.

Then an editor that stated that he almost kissed her back in the early '90s but she stopped him, so her story was almost anecdotic.

Kendra: A fan that he met at some convention, started to exchange emails with him and after 2 years became sort-of-a-girlfriend. Thing is that she was 18 when he first met her and the relationship started at her 20 (he was probably 40 something or 50, can't quite remember). She once had a UTI and told him that she didn't wanted to have sex due to the pain, he gave the typical "I swear I'll be careful" and convinced her to do it anyway... and of course there was a lot of pain and he didn't stop when she asked him to. Also, I think she is the first one that brings up his BDSM tendencies with a roleplay of Master-Slave but I don't quite remember because I've read transcripts of the episodes given that I'm in a completely burnout from work and didn't feel like listening to anything. One thing that separates her from the others is that she still considers herself his friend and still exchanged emails (I guess until the Podcast came out). She is the one that brought up the anecdote that she loves David Tennant and he offered her the location of his hotel in exchange for nudes and something all the fans forget is that she states that both usually joke like that... so it wasn't meant to be taken seriously.

Caroline: A woman that lived on his state with her family and after her divorce started a "relationship" with Gaiman. And here things get muddier because according to Tortoise's editing (I'll cover this later) he just out of the blue asked her to give him BJs in exchange to continue to live in there while later on she explains that both started this thing going on and she thought it could be something more and he was like "I have no feelings for you, this is just sex". The fact is that alledgedly he would throw a "if you don't keep me happy I'll kick you out" kinda line so she was pressured into doing stuff she didn't wanted to (again, the Master-Slave) and there was this time she was in bed with Gaiman's son (who was napping), Gaiman joined them and taking advantage that the kid was sleeping put her hand on his privates to jerk off, she didn't wanted to do so with the kid present and he didn't seemed to care. Eventually she had to leave the state, sign an NDA and she got paid for it.

Scarlett: The girl (also in her 20s) that was a fan of Palmer (turned into lover). Since she was in a very precarious situation both economic and emotional the singer "wanted to help her" giving her a "job" as some sort of assistant when her real job ended I think due to the pandemic. Eventually Palmer asked her to be her kid's nanny and sent her to Gaiman's house. She got to Gaiman's house but the kid wasn't there so while waiting he offered her a bath and that's the first time he assaulted her and things just kept going worse and worse with lots of BDSM humiliation involved and supposedly even having sex in the same room the child was... twice. She told Palmer about everything that was going on, Palmer said that alledgedly she told Neil not to bother her because she knew that he had "made a pass" (whatever that means for them) with other 14 women before. This girl went to the police but given that their messages are writen as people in a consensual relationship they didn't took any kind of action, supposedly Gaiman presented some sort of written testimony and the investigation didn't moved foward. She had a suicide attempt and ended up in the hospital, Gaiman paid for the bills and also made her sign and NDA. She says that the money he gave her afterwards was on her account before signing the NDA (mind you that until there she never got paid by any of them, Palmer & Gaiman) but we don't really know. This is the girl that tried to go to the media over and over again until Tortoise decided to give her a place to speak. At this moment she filed a lawsuit for 7 million dollars against both Gaiman and Palmer.

Then there was another Podcast that found another woman that was on her 20s when met Gaiman.

Katherine "Kitty" Kendall: says that she was approached by him on a convention, somehow ended up kissing and invited her to see him again in his tour buss, she didn't wanted to be alone with him so she took some friends with her and decided on a signal to agree to leave together. Her friends got drunk, Gaiman took her to the back of the bus and tried to get her to bed with a "I have lots of money and I get what I want" line. But eventually let her go. Some time later they talked, she got a half-assed apology and the promise to send money to the abuse survivor's organization she volunteered on (apparently there are no deposits made under his name around that date).

The Tortoise Media:

Once the first batch of episodes came out, of course there was a stir and many relied on the fact that Rachel Johnson is Boris Johnson's sister and a known TERF to discredit the whole thing. In itself the podcast is made as a True Crime show (with Ads and all) so it doesn't feel like they care much about the story but the clout that it brought upon them plus they kink shamed anyone that actually enjoys BDSM because they are Conservative. She said a few weeks back that she didn't wanted to get Gaiman cancelled or anything like that... so yeah, she's not the warrior for Justice many made her and Tortoise to be.

Some of us were waiting on a more reliable source to come up with the story and it came in hand of Vulture's article. Beware, if you are easily triggered you shouldn't read it because Scarlett tells her story very vivildly.

Gaiman, of course, made a blog post himself admitting a few things and denying others.

Everyone has their own opinion on the subject. It is up to you to come up with your own.

I'd say "good luck" but... *gestures all around*

Ok so I seem to have skipped over an entire internet Saga completely......

Can someone please direct me to a credible source about what the fuck happened with Neil Gaiman?

I'm literally on Tumblr all of the time and I have somehow managed to not hear a singular thing about what on earth has happened

Would somebody mind explaining because I literally just heard a whisper of something about five minutes ago for the first time....

[thebreakfastgenie]

I know I mentioned I'm a Trapper complex skeptic once but I don't think I ever elaborated, so let me do that now. The Trapper Complex basically boils down to two episodes, and one short moment in Depressing News. If there are other examples I'm forgetting feel free to point them out, but Trapper references after he left the show are pretty rare. I'll tackle Depressing News first because it's faster, then get into the rest, and I'm putting it under a cut because it got long.

I do think BJ is hurt when Hawkeye says "same size, same shape." I don't think this is indicative of a complex of any kind. I am not a jealous person, but I would also be hurt in that moment. I don't think BJ is displaying any abnormal jealousy. Hawkeye effectively said BJ is just a replacement for Trapper without realizing he said it, and that stings. I think he's having a normal human feeling. And in that episode, at best he gets over it, and at worst he just distances himself from Hawkeye for a couple of days (and Hawkeye is busy with his manic tower building anyway) depending on if you view BJ's exit from Hawkeye's storyline as connected to that line or just a coincidence of writing.

The first relevant episode is Period of Adjustment. I'm just not convinced that anything in that episode is actually about Trapper, just like it's not really about Radar, and I don't think it's about Hawkeye either. Period of Adjustment, in my view, is just about BJ cracking because the misery of being in a war is unbearable. The common thread between being angry at Radar and being angry at Trapper (who only even comes up very late in the episode) is that they're both home. Anything else is secondary to that. Erin calling Radar daddy isn't about Radar, it's about the fact that Erin has never called BJ daddy because he left her before she could talk and that eats at him. I just don't really buy that smashing the still was because it was a physical reminder of Trapper's existence. I do think you can make a compelling case for that one, but it's not my take. I honestly don't think BJ's violence in that scene was particularly motivated or directed. I think he was just angry and hurting deeply and lashing out at anything and anyone in reach. Ironically, even though it's probably the worst he ever treats Hawkeye, Period of Adjustment is BJ's most sympathetic breakdown for me. I really do feel for him in that one and while it's not necessarily excusable I think his behavior makes sense without any additional complex to explain it.

The other episode is The Joker Is Wild and this one is harder for me because I don't like it. It feels very tonally weird for being in season 11 and it's just uncomfortable for me to watch BJ psychologically torture Hawkeye for 24 hours and get everyone in on it. So admittedly I'm a bit biased by not thinking about this one as much when I form my takes. However, since I don't see an existing pattern of unusual jealousy from BJ, I guess it just doesn't register that much. But I think The Joker Is Wild is a combination of jealousy and ego. The thing that sets it off isn't just Hawkeye talking about Trapper, it's Hawkeye saying Trapper was better at practical jokes (which I also dislike because we almost never saw Trapper pull a prank without Hawkeye, but that's another writing quibble). Practical jokes are BJ's thing. They're his coping mechanism (per Dear Sigmund) and at this point a pretty big part of his personality. You know how upset Hawkeye gets when BJ claims to be better at telling a joke than he is? This is BJ's version of that. Pranks were also part of his personality before the war, based on Last Laugh, and it makes sense that at this point in the show, when he's lost so much of himself, that he's clinging to that. I also think BJ doesn't like being reminded not just of Trapper, but of that whole first year, because BJ genuinely does not know how he would survive without Hawkeye, and most of the time that seems mutual, but the fact is there was this entire year that Hawkeye survived without BJ, in large part because Trapper was there. And yes, this is jealousy. But I don't think BJ is a jealous person.

Every instance of jealousy I can think of think of is tied back to BJ's insecurity and need to be needed. His weird tirade about Carl the Handyman comes with Peg cleaning the gutters by herself or having Carl do it means BJ isn't needed. One of their neighbors hitting on Peg is part of a breakdown that culminates in BJ asking Peg if she still needs him. BJ does get jealous, but I don't see jealousy as a primary personality trait so much as secondary to his insecurity. So with Hawkeye, he is jealous of Trapper, but it's more because Trapper means Hawkeye needs BJ less than BJ needs him. And BJ can't handle that because I think BJ is terrified of what's happening to him and if Hawkeye can get by without him, maybe he's the only one struggling this much.

I'm not saying you have to interpret this part of BJ the same way I do; I'm not trying to talk anyone out of anything. I even enjoy memes about the Trapper complex. But I avoid using it as shorthand in serious meta, because I don't completely agree with the implications. BJ is jealous of Trapper but I don't think BJ's jealousy toward Trapper is all that extreme. That's the tl;dr.

[thebreakfastgenie]

Gee Sarah how come your mom let you have TWO Hawkeye dying fics

(Seriously I am looking what is the other one 👀👀👀👀)

The other one is pretty different. Ghost AU is a WIP with a detailed outline; this one is at this stage still mostly a vaguely-defined daydream. Also, Hawkeye won't die until the end. I think it needs to end with him dying but I can't envision that until I cleanse the finale of Showtime's The Big C from my brain (I do recommend one episode of that show because there is a recurring joke about Alan Alda's character being great at oral sex for no reason).

In this one, Hawkeye has some kind of terminal illness. I haven't decided what it is, because I have to research what would give me a narratively workable life expectancy and set of symptoms. It's set a few years after the end of the show; I'm not sure how many exactly but probably between 5 and 15. The status quo is that everyone is still friends and still in touch, but they're all busy with their lives, so just not hearing from somebody for a couple of months is not in and of itself a cause for alarm. Daniel Pierce is gone. I'm not sure about Potter, that really depends on how long it's been (they're around the same age).

So Hawkeye gets diagnosed with whatever. He sells the house in Crabapple Cove. He doesn't tell anyone there why, but they just assume it's because it reminds me of his dad. A local buys it. Then he goes to Europe. He never went after the war, so he decides to go now. And he buys a one-way ticket, on a ship.

He's not planning on coming back from Europe, because he's planning on checking out before his disease catches up to him. He even starts making stupid, overly-romantic plans. He kicks around Europe for a while sightseeing.

And then he changes his mind.

He buys a ticket back (and if it's the mid-60s by now he could fly back, but I haven't decided yet if he flies or takes a ship) and he turns up at Margaret's door. He has his charts and all his test results; he had those in Europe with him too because he's weird. He tells Margaret everything and shows her the charts so she can't argue with him. He says he doesn't want anyone else to know and explains the only reason he's telling her now is because, having made the decision to stick it out until his natural end, he's going to need someone to take care of him once it gets bad, and he asks her to do it.

She says yes, of course, and he tries to leave, like great, see ya when I'm on death's door, and she's like hold on. Do you even have a place to live? And moves him into her guest room.

Lots of Hawkeye Margaret friendship at this point but also the main conflict which is that he is still refusing to tell anyone else. She wants him to tell everyone, but she especially wants him to tell BJ, and they fight about it. Eventually she convinces him to go to California and the express purpose of this visit is for Hawkeye to tell him. They have a great time and at the end Hawkeye is planning to tell him, but then BJ says something like "This was so great, we should do this more often!" And Hawkeye's just like "yep :)" and goes home without saying anything.

When Margaret finds out she's livid and he's like I just couldn't bear to break his heart and Margaret's like "you're going to break his heart either way, you're just putting it off so you won't have to see it. If you don't tell him, I'm going to have to do it after you're gone" and Hawkeye's like. Oh. So then he invites BJ to come visit and BJ's like "wow okay I didn't exactly mean right away, but sure!" and he assumes he's going to Maine and Hawkeye's like no actually I'm at Margaret's but he doesn't tell him he's living there, he kind of just implies he's visiting her and turning this into a group hang and BJ's like weird but okay. And then he gets there and Hawkeye tells him the truth and there's a lot of ugly crying.

He definitely tells at least some of the others too but I don't have them all worked out in detail yet. With Trapper, they just sort of hang out occasionally (I may have Margaret living in New England to facilitate this) and at one point they're having a drink and Hawkeye is really going to town on the booze and Trapper--who's mellowed and slowed down a bit since coming home--comments on it (gently and non-judgmentally) and Hawkeye's just casually like "don't worry, my other organs are going to give up on me before my liver gets a chance" and Trapper's like What. So he explains and Trapper takes it pretty well, he's teary and stuff but he keeps it together.

Charles finds out because Hawkeye went to a specialist in Boston when he got diagnosed who has a big mouth and Charles yells at this doctor for talking about patients (I think this was actually allowed but I like giving "takes patient privacy extra seriously" to Charles as a character beat) but then he figures out where Hawkeye is and shows up at Margaret's house like what the hell man.

And then I think it's just a rotating cast of everybody spending time with Hawkeye as he starts getting sicker. I may try to stretch the timespan by saying he got diagnosed early because he noticed an early sign, being a doctor. I think it has to end with him dying but I don't know what that looks like yet.