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dailybrandonrogers · 2 years ago

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BRCU Timeline Ramble - How does ADATB impact where and when Stuff & Sam occurs?

In my BRCU timeline masterlist, I included this dotpoint as an extremely surmised overview of when Stuff & Sam takes place:

This theory came to me on a whim, however I think it holds pretty significant weight and I'd like to elaborate on it in this post.

As always, here's my timelines guide:

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What we know about Donna from Stuff & Sam and other "old-timeline" videos:

Donna & George "Grandpa" Hernandez have a history together.

Donna has a son to an unnamed father called Elmer, who would be "well into its 40s by now" during the events of Stuff & Sam.

What we know about Sam from Stuff & Sam and other "old-timeline" videos:

He is 38 in a video released in 2016.

He was an orphan, and remained in an orphanage until he was 17 due to his distrust and hatred for fathers. At 17, he was adopted by Donna, who was likely seeking to fill the void in her heart left behind from the abduction of her biological son (despite her concious efforts to distance herself from that connotation due to the painful memories.)

From some of these solid dates, we can infer that Sam was born around 1978. We can also infer that Elmer was born in the 1970s as well.

In Blame the Hero we see Donna Phitts depicted as a young adult in the year 1942. Legally, I'd say the absolute youngest she could be here is 18, estimating her birth year to be at the latest 1924. This would make her a minimum of 94 during the events of Stuff & Sam. Donna's age is something I'm happy to take hilarious liberties with as it's a meta running joke (eg; the disease and fossilisation jokes) and the storylines poke fun at the absurdity of this fact. This would put her in her late 40s/early 50s at Elmer's birth, which all things considered isn't *unfathomably* unrealistic anyway.

A Day At The Beach - 1.0 & 2.0 Explanation

The A Day At The Beach (ADATB) video was released on August 3rd 2018, which is also the explicitly canon date that video occurs as stated in Episode 5 of BtH.

The 22-minute ADATB video begins in the Old Timeline, and ends in the British Timeline due to the mishandling of the time machine, and historical interference by the Mingeworthies in 1865. This prompts the beginning of Blame the Hero in the British Timeline once he takes back the time machine from Helen Brownstein, convinces his 7yro self not to get a agang sign tattoo, and returns to 2033. As a side note, Blame's precessor debut video "Thugs Got Secrets" takes place in 2033 in the Old Timeline.

In Episode 5 of Blame the Hero, Blame is able to murder the Mingeworthies in 1865 before they manipulate Abraham Lincoln and rise to power. This action alone prevents the British Timeline from occurring from this moment forward. HOWEVER, we have not yet entered the Elmer Revolution Timeline. I have decided to establish this as another timeline: The Abraham Lincoln Lives Timeline. This is because Abraham Lincoln encourages Blame to stop the Mingeworthies from arriving in 1865 in the first place, which would also prevent Lincoln's survival of his assassination (and the people "winding up with civil rights" as he says.)

So now in the Abraham Lincoln Lives Timeline, Blame arrives in a normal 2018. His new actions this time ensures the Mingeworthies never make it to 1865 as they destroy the time machine he arrived in 2018 with. However, this also prevents Blame from returning home to 2033.

Now here's the important bit:

Main Character Blame's order of events across ADATB and BtH looks like this:

Buy a time machine off of craigslist

Travel back to 2018, the year where he, as a 7 year old, got a gang sign tattoo, and convince his 7 year old self to get a different tattoo.

Lose the time machine in the sand upon arrival in 2018.

Later find the time machine after it exchanged many hands in the possession of Helen Brownstein who tells him where his past self is ("the boy in the picture you're looking for") [[🌟🌟🌟]]

Successfully deter 7 year old self from getting a gang sign tattoo, but get a "disney channel bullshit" tattoo as a replacement due to Sam being the adult to sign off on it.

Create and enter the British Timeline upon returning to 2033 due to the mishandling of the time machine during the period he'd lost it for in 2018

Terrorist Bobby Worst's nuclear apocalypse occurs as the military has been eradicated by the United States of Britian's Government.

Be recruited by the Secret Society of Elmers to prevent the apocalypse by preventing the Mingeworthies from rising to power.

After preventing the aforementioned, be instructed by Abraham Lincoln to prevent the Mingeworthies from using the time machine in the first place.

Travel to 2018 and prevent the Mingeworthies use of time travel, but lose his time machine in the process.

Now at this point Phone Elmer (aka Eldest & Tattoo Shop Elmer) instructs Blame to steal the time machine from "the original you who came here to change his tattoo." Original Blame in this context is Main Character Blame at the point in the prior list order marked with [[🌟🌟🌟]].

The crucial difference is this:

Main Character Blame came from the Old Timeline in 2033, arrived in the Old Timeline in 2018, left 2018 in the British Timeline and arrived in 2033 in the British Timeline.

^ I call that Beach 1.0

Original Blame came from the Abraham Lincoln Lives Timeline in 2033, arrived in the Abraham Lincoln Lives Timeline in 2018, and then stays in the Elmer Revolution Timeline in 2018 (the physical altercation between Main Character Blame and Original Blame allows Tattoo Shop Elmer to access the time machine, leave the Abraham Lincoln Lives Timeline in 2018, learn about its origins, create plans with Hitler to invent a nuke that makes everyone look like Elmer, and return to 2018 in the newly created Elmer Revolution timeline.)

^ I call that Beach 2.0

The key thing to remember here is that the Elmer Revolution timeline starts the moment Tattoo Shop Elmer returns to 2018 to give the time machine back to the Blames, even though the Elmer Revolution and its nuclear apocalypse doesn't start until 2033.

Now because Original Blame chose to give up his time machine to Main Character Blame and stay in 2018, this is the iteration we see of Blame several months later in Stuff & Sam. As I've mentioned in previous posts, Stuff & Sam takes place in the latter half of 2018 and the first half of 2019 for this reason. I strongly believe the version of Stuff & Sam we watch takes place in the Elmer Revolution Timeline for this reason.

This also means Elmer goes from looking like this:

To looking like this:

In a matter of a couple months which is very funny to me.

I am going to make a follow up to this theory addressing some subsequent plotholes that relate to this arc and these order of events.

In the epilogue of Episode 20 of Stuff & Sam, Bryce Tankthrust is kidnapped by the Eldest Elmer who holds her captive and tortures her indefinitely. In a chronological meta video release order, the later Episode 1 of Blame the Hero reveals she once again broke the legs of the Eldest Elmer, but is still being held captive nonetheless. This is a plothole because at the time of Episode 1 of BtH, Stuff & Sam is nowhere near occurring, and won't occur until BtH events are finished. So... how... did... any of this happen...

What happens to the Elmer Revolution Timeline after The Eldest Elmer (his conciousness in an Elmer Drone Body anyway) is killed in 1942 and the New Timeline comes into effect. Does Stuff & Sam still take place in the New Timeline?

#brandon rogers #bryce tankthrust #brandon rogers bryce tankthrust #brcu #blame the hero #brandon rogers blame #bobby worst #stuff & sam #timelime rambles #donna phitts #brandon rogers elmer #elmer phitts #the Mingeworthies #brandon rogers sam #long post #LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL #for anyone wondering this took me about an hour to type up and i had to revisit the end of ADATB to make sure i had my facts straight #can you tell i dont have anyone to talk about this to #timelineramblings

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ambiguousdisorderken · 4 years ago

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in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel. Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” // Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23 – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references.

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is).

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

#Anonymous #thanks for coming to my ted talk #im posting this at 2:30 am so i'll most likely reblog it at a more reasonable hour ..in case anon is closer to my time zone #why am i even saying this..im sleepy #destiel #answered #destiel episode guide #there might be number/name mistakes because again sleepish.forgive me #long post

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flightfright · 4 years ago

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Flight’s Supernatural Finale AU

So I’m not even in this fandom, but after all the shit that just happened with the ending of Supernatural I thought I’d give it my own spin. This is pretty rough but here it goes:

We start off with Dean and Sam, trucking along but still depressed after losing Cas. Dean especially is straight up Not Having A Good Time. They do a few stints with taking out bothersome monsters, but nothing’s the same, even though everything else is making a comeback after what happened with the Empty and God and all of that shit.

But what’s this? Jack calls them up a few months after the Empty disappears and tells them something’s up. There’s these lights in the sky at night, and it isn’t the aurora borealis or aliens or anything like that. This part is pretty rough, but they eventually find out that all of the surviving angels have risen once more and have begun to rebuild heaven.

The boys are both shocked. Dean springs into action and cooks up a plan to try and get Castiel back. Sam tries to reel him in because he knows something happened between his brother and Cas, but Dean refuses to talk about it and he’s gone into full throttle mode with his plan.

What’s Dean’s plan, you might ask? Well, everything unfolds all at once when he manages to summon a few angels and tell them what’s happened to their brother. They know of the Winchester brothers, and they definitely know of Castiel. Dean’s courage falters when the angels grow angry with him and Sam; after all, they killed God and fucked everything up pretty badly, even though it wasn’t their fault. But the angels don’t really care. At this point, Dean’s mental health has completely gone to shit and he thinks that the angels are right. Thankfully, Sam jumps in to save the day and gets the angels to agree that even if they don’t want to help him and Dean get Cas back, the Empty is still a threat that might rise again someday stronger than before. The angels tell the brothers to get everybody that might be useful in destroying the Empty for good and fuck back off to heaven to prepare for war. In one year’s time, they will meet back up for one last showdown against the Empty.

The next year is spent travelling around getting everybody that wants to help-- literally every single friendly monster, hunter, hell, even a few bored demons show up to have some fun. This is where both Dean and Sam work on their mental health problems, some of it by themselves, some of it with each other, and then a few times with their friends and allies. Sam is able to renew his interest in living a good life and Dean pulls himself out of his depression to work on his self-worth issues. They also find a stray dog and adopt it, which does wonders for the emotional health of both the boys.

At the end of the twelve months, as promised, the angelic forces descend from heaven to rip open a hole in reality so the brothers and their little army can get into the Empty. Everybody’s working together for the first time ever as they face off against the void, humans and monsters and angels and demons fighting back to back to pull everybody out. There’s a big dramatic scene with Sam, Dean, and the Shadow, where Dean literally threatens to never leave and hound the Shadow for all eternity unless it gives him what he wants. The Shadow refuses, saying that no human would be powerful enough to hurt it like that, only for it to be surrounded by a shit-ton of angels and demons and torn apart on an atomic level.

While the Shadow is getting turbo-fucked by a bunch of angry entities, Dean takes his chance and plunges into the farthest realms of the Empty to find Castiel. It’s a direct parallel to Castiel raising Dean from perdition all those years ago, except now it’s time for Dean to return the favor. Dean cries out for Cas and reaches out into nothingness. In that moment, Dean allows himself to be truly happy, thinking of all the years he and the angel spent together and all they’ve done to protect humanity.

And, against all odds, a hand reaches back.

Back at the fight against the Shadow, the angels and demons finish it off and barely manage to keep the tear in reality open long enough for everybody to get back out. In the living world, Sam looks around and is horrified when he realizes Dean didn’t make it back with them. Thankfully, just as the tear begins to seal shut, Dean and Castiel tumble out together. Sam tackles them both with a whoop of joy. After a year of pain, grief, and frustration, the three are finally reunited in an existence free of the Empty and Chuck.

Of course, that’s when Dean collapses from a wound he got during the fight. Perhaps from getting hit with a rusty nail on a piece of wood or something. Sam and Cas get him to the hospital ASAP, because that’s what you do when your pal gets hit with a rusty nail on a piece of wood. You get him to the ER.

A few days later, Dean wakes up in the hospital, weak but alive. Castiel is there, and in Dean’s state he can actually see the angel’s wings-- powerful and whole once more. He’s healed, just like all his siblings. The two share a Moment, foreheads pressed together, Castiel’s wings wrapped around Dean, dawn’s first rays coming in through the window of the room. It’s the beginning of a wonderful new world.

A week or so after that Dean, Sam, and Castiel are hanging out by the Impala by a beach, acting as the negotiating party between the angels and demons as both parties work on rebuilding heaven and hell respectively. After business concludes, the angels ask when Cas is coming back to heaven permanently, to which Cas declines graciously. He’s happy on Earth with the people he loves. The angels roll their eyes at Castiel’s antics but accept this before going back to heaven. The demons find this hilarious and also go home, but not after promising the Winchesters that the next time they meet will be at a strip club so that they can show the angels a good time.

The episode ends with just the three men, Sam calling up Eileen to see if she wants to come have a few beers with them while Dean and Castiel watch the ocean together side by side.

Fade to black, with Carry on my Wayward Son playing as the credits roll.

#supernatural #supernatural finale #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #rewrite #lmao I haven't been in the fandom since '15 but oh well #made this for my roommate #I like happy endings okay #what the fuck was that finale though #let the lads have a strong finish #also gay rights haha #Cas honey they did you so dirty #CW let me write your shows for you if you can't do it yourselves #gotta do everything myself goddammit #destiel

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stonerbughead · 4 years ago

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Maria watches friday night lights (#33)

I’m back, I’m back! So here’s what happened...I watched 5x10 on October 1, never edited my note about it, then ended up taking an inadvertent break from watching until now. Idk why, but i needed a break from like...watching tv i hadn’t seen before. Anyone else have that habit of watching things you’ve already seen when you’re going through an anxious period? Starting a new job in the same month as the 2020 presidential election fit the bill, and i wanted to really immerse myself in the final three episodes of this amazing show properly so i decided to wait until i was feeling it! Anyway to the like three people who enjoy my recaps, i hope you enjoy these last four recaps.

So without further ado, aforementioned Oct 1 recap, now edited and underneath the cut:

5x10 yoooo I have never been so amused by Buddy Garrity in my life + TIM so here we go:

TIM RIGGINS RETURNS?! Yay!!! (This is my reaction just from seeing him in the “previously on.”)

Eric’s getting recruited at a ~fancy~ restaurant! Oh shitttt

“That, right there, marks the end of the East Dillon Lions football program led by Coach Eric Taylor.” “...It’s a crate of oranges.” “Yeah, and it’s from the sunshine state. From Florida! And that can only mean one thing—year round sunshine and college funding.” Lmao alarmist Buddy is hilarious and actually not wrong here. Lol incredulous Levi: “you got all that from a crate of oranges?!”

#OperationGetTimOut!! Is Eric going to speak for him as a character witness?

I *knew* that phone call from Oklahoma Tech wasn’t gonna be good. Ohhhhh Vince you should’ve listened to Eric~~~

Oh shit everyone’s buzzing about “losing their kingmaker” and it’s playoff time! Love a good car radio scene. “So how was it honey, are we moving to Florida?” Lol

“Dad, maybe we should just talk to Coach. I need to be focused on this game on Friday night, getting my spot back.” Yes Vince stand up for yourself, take a break from those meetings! I am fearful of his dad’s true reaction tho.

“Expelling Epyck, that was a good start.” Omfg some of these teachers are too cruel! That is a severely traumatized child, ma’am!

“Impromptu speeches...” “Impromptu means not planned, Buddy.” “Okay, then promptu.” I’M LIVING for these Buddy and Levi interactions omg hilarious.

“A man can’t leave if you erect a statue in his honor.” “A plaque?” “You got money for that?!” I cannot omfgggg Levi and Buddy should take this show on the road!

Tami’s “Oh Levi you are too much.” That’s a nice way to say “fuck you” for making her take a personal day to go speak on a panel he TOLD her she’s speaking at? Smh this is why staff needs unions.

Lmao Buddy is being so extra with Eric, I can’t

...and enter Billy, here to ask Eric a favor...

“Tim Riggins? One of the best fullbacks in the great state of Texas? The boy my girl fell in love with? Yeah I’ll do that.” Damn Buddy has a crush on Tim Riggins too!! I get it dude same.

“I believe in loyalty, Billy. Sticking with your people, through good and bad.” SO EXTRA LMAO

“Hey coach you going to Florida?” “I was planning on going home and I suggest you do too, Tinker.” Ugh poor Eric having to deal with all of these rumors and the team being endlessly curious right before the playoffs!

Awww Tami’s excited about the Florida houses. “Three years with a two year option.” Damn. Aw the way that Eric looks at Tami and you know he wants to give her everything she wants 🥺

Omggg now Buddy is making the players talk up Eric Taylor 😂 his scheming truly kills me

Becky and Luke tossing a football, so precious!

Ah, there’s more to life than college football, Luke! “No one wants me.” “I want you.” Aww Becky.

Aw Billy is getting so frustrated trying to write his speech for Tim. “It sounds ridiculous.” “No it doesn’t. You’re a good brother.” Oh Mindy 🥺 fuck prisonssss he should not feel like his words have so much bearing on his brother’s literal freedom!

Yes to Vince going to Eric and agreeing to earn his way back! That’s the Vince we know and love!

I love Eric telling Tami about Tim’s parole hearing. “You going to do it?” “You bet i’m going to do it.” My heart! The way there’s no question about it 🥺

Andddd Vince’s dad predictably refuses to let up with the recruiters. But this time Vince is standing up to him!

Yesss Vince, walk away! Especially after his dad yelled at him like that; this is not your life, it’s Vince’s!

“Don’t whack her. Just a little love tap.” LMAO Luke, Tinker, Becky, and a pig. Luke is giving Tinker pageant advice for Tinker at a competition with the pig?? I can’t, that’s weirdly so cute. Becky clearly finds it cute.

Omg Tim in his all-white prison uniform I HATE THISSS

OMGGGG “I don’t want Billy to speak, he’s done enough damage.” Fuck this is gonna fuck Billy UP. But also fair...I mean, Billy DOES tend to be a fuck up?? Isn’t that how we got here?

Yessss Tami going off explaining that standardized testing isn’t the end all be all!!

“what would you have us do, meet with every kind in the state?” “Yes I would.” to a round of applause. GO OFF QUEEN TAMI TAYLOR

Yes Coach Taylor! Give us one of your epic speeches!

Poor Tim looks like he has a lot of self hatred sitting here listening to Eric talking about him 🥺

“I asked him to be an assistant coach because of his character off the field.” YES

lol Buddy Garrity getting up to speak even tho he’s not on the list 🤣

“He’s like family to me.” OH BUDDYYYY he’s coming through with a full time job for Tim when he comes out?????? Tim’s smile of relief.

“It’s time for you to let Tim Riggins come home.” YESSSSS

AW Tim sent Eric letters from prison?? My poor babe. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit more.” “I’m sorry I let you down.” “You didn’t and that’s not why I’m here.” IM EMOTIONAL

Holy shit Vince’s dad is STILL not letting up? “I’m your father. I know what’s right.” “that is enough! Get off his back!” “He needs a father, not an agent!” YES REGINA GO OFFFFF she finally snapped!

(It’s wild how Coach possibly leaving is being used in this fight in Vince’s family. Oh, Dillon!)

Oh shit Billy is yelling at both Becky and Mindy, clearly very affected by what Tim said at his parole hearing. “You did everything you could and that makes all the difference.” Aww Mindy, and Billy apologized! Too much stress for such a young family! Also unrelated but Mindy looks mad hot for the athletic banquet.

Awww I love getting to see the other teams stand up. Yeah cross country, yes girls volleyball!!!

Man, playing a sport in Texas that’s not football must suck, look at that insane applause for football vs. weak for everyone else

Buddy giving Gracie a lil t-shirt and saying, “clear eyes, full hearts...you know it?” And they’re all like “can’t...lose” and Gracie giggles! Ok that’s cute af

Omg the tension between Jess and Vince!! “Jess, I miss you. I miss you.” 🥺 aw yeah she blew him off for her brothers

Wow they made it to the playoffs for the first time in 25 years?? Well here comes Buddy’s All Hail Eric Taylor pageant. Lmao

Awww these heartfelt addresses from the team members on how much Eric Taylor has changed their lives??? Manipulative, Buddy, really. He knows what he’s doing.

Yesss Eric, give Tami that massage. See y’all, this is what being a good man looks like.

“It had the desired effect. It sure made you think twice about leaving Dillon.” “It’s a hell of an offer. I’d own that building. They have funding.” “Mmm and oranges. Don’t forget about oranges.” “Mmm that pool.” They wanna leave.

“You know what I want more than anything right now? I wanna bring these boys to state.” “I know you do.” “They deserve it.” “I know they do. But after you do that, this offer is something to think about. Because you deserve that.” Ugh I know I say it a lot but since we’re in the final four episodes now and I’m mostly talking into the void anyway — god, what a model of a wonderful and gentle and loving and communicative marriage! I am continually floored!

Becky with cowboy boots at Luke’s farm works. And ooh Luke’s mom said hi to her?? Progress!!

Aw they’re talking about how pretty they find Luke’s farm as he tries to imagine a future here in Dillon. “I have an amazing imagination. I see your next game, and you’re winning.” Awww Becky is such a cute girlfriend.

What a cute shot of Luke and Becky on the farm, “you ever think you could imagine living on a farm?” “Sure.” AWWW

Vince at Eric’s door on game day?!!! He’s asking Eric not to take the offer to Shane State when he’s supposed to already be at the field house!?!

“Having you as a coach is one of the best things to happen to me. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Either in jail or in a ditch somewhere.” Damn forget Buddy this shit is from the HEART

Eric tells him to get in the damn car and tells him he’s starting!! “You know what your problem is? You ask too many damn questions.”

AHHHHH TIM IS HOME! Showered in a flannel! My heart! He salutes Becky with a beer!

Aww Billy is so excited to have his brother home.

It seems uneasy in the home. Coming back from prison is hard.

And here they go, heading onto the bus with signs and cheers!

“I’ll tell you, this is an away game, but you look around here at the community tonight and the young players that I have playing for me, and the character they got—no matter where this community goes, that’s home.”

Damn Eric just announced he was planning to stay home in Dillon to the press. “you’re full of surprises, aren’t you?” says Tami. “I love you.” and with the FNL theme song playing aghkliyb I’m not ready for the final three episodes ahhh!!!

#maria watches friday night lights #mine #friday night lights 5x10

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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 5 years ago

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February Picks

And just like that another month is coming to a close. I can’t believe how fast it has gone by. I’ve continued watching some favorites from last month and am sad some have come to an end. Meanwhile a bunch of shows came back from their winter hiatus, so it was a lot of fun getting back into their story-lines again.

Be prepared for spoilers once again...

SANDITON

Masterpiece’s Sanditon ended this past Sunday, here in the states, and I am jumping on the campaign that we need a season 2! It can’t end like that with so many open ended story-lines (okay maybe just one or two, but still we deserve more).

Who would have guessed that Esther would become one of my favorite characters in this series and that’s mainly thanks to her well written character development. From the “villain” in episode 1 she grew into so much more and was such a complex character. I really enjoyed watching her story unfold. I am SO HAPPY she married Babington and his speech to her about living side by side, knowing he loves her more and just wants to see her happy. Wow....Goals. I want to see this relationship progress even more (if that’s possible) with a season 2. Speaking of things I want to see: Will Sanditon be rebuilt and how long will it take? Will there be an alternative allowing Sidney to be with Charlotte? Major twist there as their relationship doesn’t end with a happily ever after (very un-Austen like for the main protagonists). When he returned at the end stopping Charlotte’s carriage, I seriously thought he would have said he broke up his engagement, but alas. The previous episode I really wanted them together (thanks to Sidney’s speech to Charlotte when he told her his ex-fiance left and how Charlotte makes him a better person *melts* and of course their dancing scene the episode prior was amazing). In the early parts of the season, while I knew Charlotte and Sidney would be a thing-eventually, I couldn’t help but have a soft spot for Young Stringer’s character and my appreciation never truly left. I felt he was paired well with Charlotte. Such a tragic ending for him. He wanted to better himself (much like the Parker brothers) but after his father’s death he no longer will. Throughout the series, I enjoyed Miss Lambe’s character, but I agree with many reviews that I was reading that her character was kind of dropped at the end. I’m curious what her reaction will be when she finds out about SIdney’s engagement...

Thank you again, Andrew Davies. I was not expecting to like this adaptation so much.

ZOEY’S EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST

The best way to describe one of NBC’s latest shows is that I feel happy and in a good mood whenever I finish an episode. (And then I’m immediately upset that I have to wait a week for the next one. I watch them too fast.) I’ve heard many people compare it to Glee and while I could definitely understand that I keep getting drawn back to Abc’s short lived Eli Stone. There Eli (played by Jonny Lee Miller) could hear people around him sing and dance, which helped him solve upcoming law cases. In this show he was experiencing a brain tumor, but so far Zoey seems all clear. Instead, a freak accident while she is getting an MRI scan and listening to music, allows for her to hear people sing (and perform) their innermost feelings. There’s still some logistics to discover like what Zoey looks like when she watches these performances (does she move around or look like she’s just staring into the air. I might be thinking into this too much...I know). We just recently found out that sometimes she can speak to others as they are happening. Each time she hears someone sing she is meant to help them with something in their life. It could be a family member, co worker, friend, or like this past week her boss. While there’s one major problem (that she has to fix), there are often multiple songs in one episode which I really enjoy. The cast is also very strong, both musically and as actors. I can’t wait to see where the rest of the season is headed!

TO ALL THE BOYS P.S. I STILL LOVE YOU

When the first film was released on Netflix about 2 years ago, I was instantly a fan. I was unfamiliar with the book, but quickly added to my TBR list. (My to read list is extremely long, so I still haven’t gotten to it. Story of my life.) I really enjoyed watching Lara Jean experience the results of having her secretive love letters distributed to her past crushes. I was definitely Team Peter and Lara by the end of the film. They were adorable. The sequel was released earlier this month and I kind of forgot about it. It felt like we had been preparing for the sequel for a bit and then I must have been watching too much Disney Plus to miss the trailer. Watching P.S. I still love you, I just missed the original film. There were parts I liked and I was a big fan of John Ambrose (and of course Jordan Fisher because he’s great), but overall I felt like much didn’t happen. Also, Lara and Peter’s relationship kind of bothered me in parts. I understand that for both of them this was the first time they were in this kind of relationship and could feel awkward about certain things (like the Valentine’s singing-gram or writing an original poem). The main part I did like about them was towards the end when he arrived at the retirement home. I don’t say this often, but I have no want to re-watch it any time soon.

VIOLETTA SEASON 1

Speaking of Disney Plus....

In a quick month and a half I have successfully watched ALL 80 episodes of season 1 of Violetta. I feel so accomplished and know the withdrawal will happen very soon. (I just finished last night and I’ve been listening to the music a lot recently). I’m so upset that season 2 has not be released on Disney Plus yet. I thought it would be by now because the streaming service has been up for a good amount of months and this show was so popular around the world. Unfortunately, I have not been lucky with my Google searches for when they’ll release it and no luck with YouTube either (no English caption options). I’ve been hearing that season 2 is really great because season 1 did a nice job of establishing these characters and now we get to see more story-lines. I will miss the students and teachers at the Studio as well the home-life at the Castillo’s house. Throughout 80 episodes it’s understandable to love and hate several characters as you’re with them for a good amount of time. For some people it was a roller coaster, but there were a good amount that I liked pretty consistently. I am a fan of Violetta and Leon and they had some super cute moments. I think it was about episode 35 where I truly felt like connection. When Tomas left the love triangle for a bit I actually grew to like him and would often joke how he never smiled and had a Tomas face. I really liked You Mix and the introduction of Frederico. Some great songs came out of that section like Ven y Canta and Tienes el Talento, but my favorite is definitely Ser Mejor. And of course, I will always have love for Pablo. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss reading subtitles (I really do feel like I know more Spanish now). Definitely check out this show if you want something drama filled and funny at the same time.

LEGACIES

I know I dedicated a whole post to Chris Wood’s return as Kai Parker on Legacies. (See the article here:https://talesofafangirlwithadvr.tumblr.com/post/190761328673/omg-legacies-2x12) But I still had to include it in this wrap up because once again Legacies is doing a great job this season. I was so excited to see it when it came back from the mid-season hiatus. Since the return of Wood it has gotten more of a TVD vibe than usual, which is great. I haven’t watched the last episode, but have seen a clip of Kai masquerading at the school. I am going to be very interested to see for how long he hangs around and how long it takes for them to discover him AND how Josie handles the evil inside of her.

BROOKLYN NINE NINE

Thank goodness this show got renewed (and picked up from NBC). When it started a couple of weeks ago, I was reminded how much I missed it. I can’t get over that this is already the second season on NBC. As usual the hi-jinks of the Nine Nine have been entertaining to watch. The Jimmy Jab games were great. I loved how Hitchcock was so desperate to win that he was taking Scully’s array of pills. What an ending with Debbie! Did not think she could be capable of that. I can’t wait to see the outcome next episode. I’m so excited for a Santiago-Peralta baby. It was a great episode when they were hiding it from Charles and Adrian returned. I’ve seen the movie Memento and it is great! It was hilarious each time he was like, ‘I don’t know what that is’ and then saying ‘Finding Dory’ solved everything. I am so happy that this show was suggested for me to watch and fill my Office and Parks and Rec void. Whenever a new episode’s on the DVR I can’t wait to watch it.

LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

And last, but certainly not least, DC’s Legends of Tomorrow has once again not disappointed me this season (I know it’s still early, but I’m optimistic). It started at the end of January following the events of Crisis and I liked how this season transitioned with all the changes (the major one being the introduction of Zari’s brother). I am really happy to see her again though and how she is having these flashes of her old life on board the Wave-rider. I can’t wait to see that reveal happen (especially because as of right now only Nate knows the ‘truth’). I love seeing Ava as a permanent part of the Legends crew and as stepping in as Captain when Sara was away. She is a great addition and I like how quirky she is since we first met her. Her and Sara are perfect. I also love Ray and Nora. Nora as a fairy godmother is fantastic. One of my favorite episodes was the one with the 80s dance. Her role in all of that was great and her realization with what she can provide for these kids. I feel like this is going to be the reason Ray leaves the Legends. I remember seeing Brandon Routh’s Instagram Post about leaving the show and this feels like the reason he will. I hope that isn’t for a while though because I am going to miss him a lot.

Until March!

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purpledragon57 · 6 years ago

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Dragon Reviews: Tokyo Mew Mew

I recently finished watching the magical girl anime Tokyo Mew Mew. I’ve been meaning to get into the habit of writing reviews for things I watch, and I had quite a lot to say about this show, so it seemed like a good place to start. Full review under the cut. Apologies in advance for any misspellings - the subs were incredibly inconsistent.

I’m going to break my thoughts up into categories, starting with the characters and ending with the overall plot and themes:

The Magical Girls

I like the overall visuals of the magical girls. The outfits, transformations and attacks are all good looking and mostly well animated. The outfits hit a good balance between uniformity and individuality, which I like.

Personally I didn’t enjoy the girls very much as a group? The best magical girl teams are fun to watch even when they’re just hanging out, but the Mew Mews’ dynamic just didn’t click with me. Most group interactions consisted of arguments and running jokes - they barely seem like friends half the time. This also made it hard to feel invested when things get emotional or during battles

On to the girls as individuals:

Ichigo was a perfectly fine magical girl protagonist. I liked the focus on how her magical girl and regular identities affect each other, and how this wove into her romance plot.

Minto was my favourite initially because I love Tsunderes, but ultimately she was more annoying than anything else and her arc wasn’t particularly interesting to me. She still has the best transformation though.

Retasu is the Shy Nerdy One, which made me like her initially, but there wasn’t anything that really stood out about her most of the time. I think maybe she was supposed to be a ‘straight man’ to the others’ wackiness (esp. Bu Ling), but her demeanour is too reserved to really pull this off in an entertaining way. I liked that she provided a side romance, but it never really went anywhere, which was disappointing.

Bu Ling is best girl. Her childish behaviour and Wacky Antics can get a bit annoying, but she’s cute and genuine enough to avoid being grating. I like her incredibly friendly and determined attitude. Also her focus episode was great and made me cry a little bit.

Zakuro is great just for having punched Kish in the face. 10/10 most satisfying scene in the whole series. On a more serious note, I think Zakuro was the most unique character on the team, but I’m not really sure what to make of her. She’s kind of cold and distant with high standards but occasionally soft, but I don’t really understand why she is this way. There’s hints that she has some kind of tragic backstory and possibly ulterior motives but I feel like this is never properly explained??? Maybe it’s something that didn’t translate well from manga to anime. It’s weird.

The Villains

This segment is gonna get spoilery so skip it if you care about that. The tl;dr is that the villains just kinda suck.

I just have to say it, this show had the ugliest villain designs I have ever seen in a magical girl series. I hate their outfits and the massive ears just look weird.

The Aliens have the theoretically sympathetic desire to return Earth to it’s old state now that their race is dying out on another planet - though doing so will wipe out humanity. This could be an interesting motivation, but unfortunately they are way too self-righteous and hypocritical about this and it just gets annoying. It’s possible this was the point but it’s still tiresome.

The most grating example of this is when Kish gets wounded in a fight and the other Aliens have the audacity to get angry at the Mew Mews for hurting their ‘friend’, even though neither of them showed anything but dislike for Kish, and they’ve been hurting the Mew Mews all the time.

Thoughts on the villains individually:

Kish is the most complete character of the lot - he at least succeeded in getting me to hate him with a burning passion. When he’s not busy being disturbingly possessive of Ichigo, he’s an obnoxious brat but largely a fairly competent villain. He also has the most braincells in the group, being able to come up with almost successful plans and figure out the big bad’s true intentions before the others. I think if his arc had been better paced he’d be a pretty solid MG villain over all.

Tart is just the ‘bratty child’ villain archetype, which I always hate. His relationship with Bu Ling is cute and actually has a satisfying payoff though.

Pie is just confusing. He has a ‘priorities orders over morality’ thing going on but it isn’t made very clear why he’s like this, and his last minute redemption-by-'death’ comes out of basically nowhere. The other villains are annoying but Pie is boring, which is even worse.

Deep Blue is just a generic pure evil villain once he actually becomes a character and not a voice in a void. He also had a possession plot line, which is a trope I like, but they didn’t do anything particularly interesting with it.

The Supporting Cast

Quick shout out to the Blue Knight for being the first time I’ve seen a mysterious ally character get introduced without their secret identity being immediately obvious. It’s fun to try and figure out what’s going on alongside the protagonists instead of knowing straight away.

Masaya was my favourite secondary character. His relationship with Ichigo felt a bit flat at first but after we find out what it is specifically that they like about each other I was sold. Cute and wholesome.

Ryou was an ok character. I feel like his story lines were kind of underutilised?? Feels similar to Zakuro in that he had hints at being a deeper character but couldn’t get me to connect to him.

The other guy felt like barely more than a background character. I can’t even remember his name and most of what I remember about him was ‘makes cake’ and ‘gives exposition’

Presentation

Besides the magical girl designs, I didn’t really like the visual aesthetic of this show. The colours are mostly either too saturated or too bland and the way the characters are drawn is not appealing to me.

The animation mostly ranges from passable to janky, besides the transformations. I remember some of the late-series fight scenes just consisted of awkward loops and quickly cut together stills and it looked more hilarious than intense. Intense facial expressions are sometimes so exaggerated they become laughable.

The voice acting is mostly fine, and sometimes really good, but sometimes it gets really overwrought. The amount of screeching in the last few episodes made me want to slam my head against a wall.

Plot & Themes

I thought it was interesting how much emphasis they put into the puberty metaphor. The Mew Mew powers come with a bunch of uncomfortable side effects (acting more like an animal, sprouting animal parts at inconvenient times, etc.) and the show spends a lot of time focusing on Ichigo’s emotional reactions to her body changing. I haven’t really seen other magical girl shows explore this aspect as much.

Obviously one of the biggest themes in the series is the environmentalist message. This theme gets pretty heavy handed at times but since it’s a children’s show I’m willing to give them a bit of a pass. I think it would have added a bit to show the girls being more environmentally conscious in their day to day lives or something but it’s fine.

Like I mentioned in the character sections, some character arcs and story lines are just kind of left hanging and it’s weird.

The plot about the aliens’ families back home is just flat out ignored at the end????? This was the most bizarre to me because they spent the whole show trying to reshape the Earth into somewhere they could live but then at the end they just leave. You can’t just ignore the plight of a slowly dying alien race like that, what the heck.

For some reason at the end they pull out of their bittersweet ‘powers are gone forever’ ending and have the girls randomly transform and leave to fight some unspecified enemy. I don’t know if this was supposed to be sequel set up or the staff decided it would be too sad or what but it was weird and dumb.

Conclusion

Tokyo Mew Mew is a weird mixed bag of genuinely good ideas but unsatisfying execution. I will say it isn’t really bad, it’s just that I’ve seen most of what it does done better in other series, so it doesn’t really stand out to me for the most part. My experience may also have been skewed by the long breaks I took between episodes at times - perhaps the pacing just seems worse to me because of this. Though on the other hand the fact that I had so little motivation to watch it quickly is a bad sign in itself. If I’d watched this show when I was younger perhaps I would have enjoyed it more.

Overall Rating: 6/10

PS - I get a vague impression that some of it’s flaws may be adaption problems - perhaps I’m wrong but it sometimes gives that ‘weak adaption of good source material’ vibe.

Have you seen Tokyo Mew Mew? What did you think of it? And if you have read the manga, do you think it’s better than the anime?

#dragon reviews #tokyo mew mew #putting thoughts into words is hard but I think I did ok #idk if this is too harsh sounding compared to my thoughts

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jamieisjoshing · 7 years ago

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13 March 1992

“I spy with my little eye something beginning with N” “Nose?” “How could I see my nose, it’s pitch black” I didn’t answer. “…” “I don’t know.” “The answer’s nothing. I can see nothing, you idiot.” We had been held up in the back seat on what felt like the thousandth hour of a cross country road trip to hell. It was the start of Spring Break and dad had thought that instead of spending the long holiday at home, it would be better for us to go and visit our gramma in New Jersey. I’ve never been much of a fan, especially as the other option was us going to Epcot like everyone else had. “Get a couple of hotdogs in you and you’ll forget all about Florida.” Dad promised on multiple occasions. I wouldn’t. As previously stated, my best friend Duncan had already gloated about his family having already gotten their tickets and how they would be staying for the entire week, kicking around Horizons and World of Motion. “I’ll take pictures for you.” He said as we waited for the bus. “Why?” I asked, “you know I’ll be there.” I replied. And that was the beginning of having to keep up with a lie. “Where are you staying?” He asked “The Yacht Club.” I said coolly. “We should meet up then.” He said “Actually, we’re going to go drive to see my aunt Carol first. She lives out in Port Charlotte” He didn’t believe me, which was understandable as I was lying. Not about aunt Carol, but about going to see her. When I attempted to convince my parents that going to Epcot would be educational, I was met with all of the ways that it would not only not be educational, but exactly how it would be far too expensive. I sulked up to the point that we started packing the car and then that sulking became pure anger for the situation. Outside, the sky had gone from burnt orange to inky black. The only thing visible for miles was whatever was in the range of the headlights. 10:32 glared back at me in dull green light from the dashboard. Was it only ten? No longer on a road, we were on a tunnel of pure, inescapable darkness. We hadn’t even seen any other cars in what felt like ages. The miles and miles of road went from the familiar stand-alone stores like Kmart to the altogether alien of an Al’s Grocers or Mica’s Pizzas. London Calling warbled meekly through the speakers as we sped through the wind whipped darkness. Dad considered himself a rebel, but I’ve never seen a punk who couldn’t make it through Cujo without flinching. “Where are we?” I asked, peering through the window. It had only gotten darker out and the once visible outline of the trees began to blend into the background, making it seem more and more like something from a storybook. “We’re nearly there.” Dad answered, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. “Just…sit back.” Part of me felt on edge, the endless hours of being cooped up in the backseat had finally started eating into me. “I need batteries” I replied, only to have it come out as more of a whine than anything else. “Why do you need batteries?” Dad asked, his voice rising slightly. “These are dead” I replied, flicking the switch from on to off and back again. Mom sighed. “I thought we told you to pack extra” Mom shot “Where’s your bag?” She turned her head to look at me or the void space where a dark green JanSport might be, had I bothered to place it into the car. Racking my brain, I was only able to come to one conclusion. “I…forgot it.” I muttered. I knew where it was, clear as day. It was still on the living room couch, stuffed with batteries, comics, and a flashlight for reading. I had snuck a roll of Oreo’s in one of the side pockets, stuffing them neatly in a roll of socks. I knew what was coming next “You have to be more careful, bud.” Dad said, “you’re nearly a teenager.” Technically, I had packed it. I had just forgotten to bring it. I wouldn’t say that though. She answered with her usual, emphatic “hmpf” and that was that. She turned around to face the abyss in front of her. The car fell silent again as some song about a stalker hit its peak. We drove, no longer playing the kinds of games that were meant to pass time, but actually just wasted it, the shadowy outline of everything slowly becoming hypnotically metronomic. “That was Rockwell’s ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’, and if you’re hearing this, you are officially up past your bedtime.” The voice on the radio spoke. It was another hour or so before I was jostled awake by the car coming to an abrupt stop. Outside, large plastic letters advertised “Gas and Sip” on which the G-I-P seemed to have long gone out, so the place was literally called the asS diner. The parking lot was dotted with 18-wheelers and cargo trucks, all of whose decals had faded away, so all that was really distinguishable about them were the bottom portion of what could’ve been a diamond or a triangle or…maybe it was an M. “Go get you and your brother something to eat.” Dad said. He handed Maya a handful of wadded up ones “And put ten on pump three.” “Can I keep the change?” Maya asked Dad gave her a wary look before turning back to the car and starting to take the gas cap off. “Come on, loser.” Maya grabbed me by the sleeve of my shirt and we walked quietly towards the diner. Inside, the halogen lights flickered and dimmed at every turn. The tic-tac linoleum floors held the same stickiness as every movie theatre floor I had ever seen, pulling at my shoes with every step. Wh-uick Wh-uick Wh-uick We made it to the counter, where a lady in a grease splattered apron stood watching the matchbox tv that hung in the corner. David Letterman was talking to Bruce Willis and Demi Moore about their dogs and the lady at the counter found it to be the most hilarious thing “What’ll it be?” She asked, not turning to look at us. “Do you have chicken nuggets?” I asked “We are not getting chicken nuggets.” Maya said, her voice firm. “I want chicken nuggets.” I replied Annoyed, the waitress, who’s name tag read “Ann” tapped the counter with the edge of her pen where a scrap of paper had been tapped down at its edges. Ass only served three things. Hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and fries. “We’ll have four cheese burgers…with four Cokes” Maya said, “and can you put ten on pump three?” She slid the money across the counter. The waitress, who’s name tag read “Ann,” looked harshly at us both as if we were being interrogated before taking the money and giving Maya her change. “Four burgers with cheese.” She shouted through a pass-through in the wall. The face of a man wedged itself into view before letting out what I assume was a grunt of understanding before it disappeared again. “Find a table.” Maya said before tossing the placard to me. “Where’re you going?” I questioned “The restroom.” She replied, “just go and wait for the food.” With that, she turned and disappeared down the hall. I found a space near one of the oversized windows and pulled my Gameboy out of my jacket pocket in the hopes that it might have magically recharged itself in the time I left it to sit. It hadn’t. A clock hung on the wall, its occasional tick drowning out Letterman. 12:03 shown in eerily slanted letters that looked like they had been painted on. The line-up of the Late-Night show in the diner consisted of an elderly couple eating pie, a younger couple, also eating pie, two truckers who looked comically like what you might expect a trucker to look like, and a guy who looked like he’d been pulled out of an episode of COPS; large, bulging eyes, weird hair, covered in dirt. He kept fidgeting for no reason, his feet tapping against the bottom of the stool like a rabbit’s foot. He wore the puffiest, heaviest coat I’ve ever seen, even though it was crazy hot outside, even for summer. I tried to not think about it, focusing solely on the space where someone had carved their initials on the diner wall, above a jukebox that looked like it hadn’t been used in decades. ZK Wuz Here The waitress, whose name tag read “Ann” slid a tray of burgers onto the table before setting the drinks out. I hadn’t realised how hungry I was until right up to this point. The burgers at asS tasted like burgers. Nothing made them one way or another the best thing that I have ever eaten. The bread was great, but the ketchup was watery. The cheese was melty, but the meat was dry. At 12:03 in the morning, food is food. Hastily, before Maya had come back, I started to devour the burger I claimed, tearing clean through the wrapper and scarfing greedily at it. I didn’t look up until I heard someone slide into the booth across from me. Half expecting Maya to be looking at me, disappointment clear on her face, I was surprised to find the guy who looked like he was from an episode of COPS sitting across from me. It wasn’t until he was this close that I could fully appreciate just how uncomical and awkward his appearance was. His eyes didn’t just bulge out of his head, they hung from it. They looked like those googly eyes you’d be forced to put on something like a clothes pin or a cotton ball to give it human-like features so that someone might say in passing, “this isn’t a cotton ball, this is a goddamn snowman. You get an A in art class, Kandinsky.” His hair was a mop of blond that had been streaked with blues and greens and barrettes and clips of every colour. His face was covered in literal, not figurative, sharpie drawings. “How’re you?” He asked, his voice a snake-like whisper. I didn’t answer, choosing to stare at him, mouth open, food half chewed. “What you playin’?” He asked “Listen,” I said with a start, “I don’t know you, but please leave me alone.” He stared at me for a moment, his creepy eyes looking as if they’d tilt out of his head and smash on the table, sending bits of creepy eye goo everywhere. It’d probably smell like bubble-gum and ass and for good measure, it’d be acidic enough to burn straight through the table, straight down to the basement. “I’m just asking a simple question.” He said, “no need to freak out.” “I’m playing Batman” I said. “Sweet,” He hissed, “can I play?” “Batteries are dead.” I answered resignedly He extended his hand as if to say, “let me see,” before sliding it away from me. “What I always find,” he said, removing the battery cover, “is that patience is a virtue.” He fiddled around with the batteries, moving them into different places. He took a paperclip from his pocket and wedge it in for good measure, before turning the entire thing over and staring at it like a proud father might look at their kid riding a bike and flipped the switch to ON. With that, the game sprung to life. “Good as new.” He said, smiling as if he’d just pulled off the greatest magic trick before returning the game, “So, where are you from?” “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.” I said “But, I’m not a stranger,” he said, “we were just talking. I fixed your game.” “That was more of a nicety.” “A nicety?” He asked another chuckle finding its way out of his mouth, “how old are you.” I looked around, hoping that Maya might be walking out of the restroom, her usual surly big sister face on. She’d see the creeper, cross the room, and stab him in the side of the head with one of her bony ass fingers, say something bad ass and then he’d leave. What I did find was that on the outside of what I’m assuming is the only restroom’s door, a notice to “wash your damn hands” had been taped. I could feel a little piece of me die. “Listen, I just want to be left alone, yeah?” “I just wanted to tal-” He started. My armpits started to tingle, and I could tell that on some level I was close to vomiting or crying or both and then I felt the part of me that wanted nothing more than to walk back to the car, climb into the backseat, and go back home. And so, I started to cry. He stared at me for a moment before laughing to himself. He raised his hands in defeat and slowly stood before walking out of the diner. Even though I couldn’t see him, part of me could feel him staring in through the windows, his eerily large eyes boring into me. “Why are you crying?” A voice asked I looked up to see Maya standing next to me, her glasses in her hands. “Just tired.” I said She whispered something that sounded exactly like, “you a fucking bitch” “Where are mom and dad?” She asked without taking her eyes off the space directly behind me. “They haven’t come in yet.” I said, my mouth still full of burger. “Ellie, where’s the car?” She asked I turned to find the space by the gas pumps void of anyone, especially not a station wagon with a bunch of luggage strapped to the roof. “Shit.” I muttered as I pushed past Maya. We ran through the double doors and into the night. The air was sharp and musty, the taste of dirt and the moments just before rain caked itself thick on everything. “What the hell.” Maya asked as she too looked around, confused. I could feel my heart in my throat, goosebumps crept across my arm and neck and I immediately felt as if I was going to be sick. We stood outside, looking up and down the road for any sign of anything, but there was nothing. No cars. No lights. No sound of something far off in the distance. Nothing.

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shirtlesssammy · 8 years ago

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The Third Man: 6x03 Recap

Then:

Sam’s miraculously out of the pit, I liked Lisa, and Cas is a BAMF

Now:

At the local cop shop locker room, Officer My Face is Sloughing Off is 1000% squicking me out. He quickly dissolves into a pile of goo in front of his fellow officers.

We cut to Dean and Lisa sharing a quiet, intimate moment in the small hours of the morning, only to have a Mack truck startle Dean out of what was actually just a dream. He’s on the road, sleeping in the Impala. This moment makes me wonder. I think it’s generally understood that Dean went to Lisa because he thought that was what Sam wanted of him. Hunting is a part of Dean --but I look at this dream and think that he’s lying to himself if he doesn’t also want ..something more, as Sam asked him in 11x04. This dream is between Dean and the audience. And it’s certainly coming at time when he’s struggling with what he wants/who he is.

Meanwhile:

Shirtless Sammy!

Sam’s so good in bed that the escort he paid to spend the night with (!!) is totes willing to spend time with him off the clock. Sam throws her number away (!!!). He then gets a call from his brother, and Sam informs Dean that he’s caught a case. Dean’s perplexed by Sam’s all-business attitude, but agrees to meet him in Pennsylvania. I just sorta really love Soulless!Sam.

In Speed Trap Dirt Road USA, Officer Lex Luthor enjoys a nice day of not making an effort at ticketing speeding drivers. He does have better things to do since his face is boiling off! These are really great/gross death scenes.

Arriving in Pennsylvania, Dean is preoccupied being a dad and chastising Ben over the phone for lying. Sarcastic!Sammy makes an appearance. I remember watching this the first time thinking Sam is so ooc and an asshole…little did I know. Sam assures Dean that ditching Lisa is “better for everyone” (!!), and the brothers share barbs about their respective cars.

Once inside the morgue, Sam gives Dean the lowdown on Officers Liquid and Boils. They decide to interview Ed Colfax, who witnessed his co-worker’s liquefaction. But first some Rad Racer:

Once at Officer Colfax’s home, Dean compliments the policeman on his snazzy get up --hat and all. Ah Dean, never one to not notice a man in uniform. Something’s off about the man though. He slams the door in Sam and Dean’s faces. Sam does the only logical thing and kicks open the door. I echo Dean’s sentiment with a “Dude!” Once in the house, they notice all the pictures on the wall have their faces scratched out, and Ed sitting at the kitchen table continuing to scratch out more pictures.

He tells them “Don’t worry about it.” and then scratches at his head. They ask if his fellow officers had any enemies, and Ed admits that they both had it coming --him as well. Then he pours himself a generous cup of whiskey, telling them that God wants them dead because of Christopher Birch. He knocks the whiskey bottle over and can only stare as the golden liquid pours to the floor.

Sam asks who Christopher Birch is. “Christopher Birch is a kid with no face, and a planted gun,” Ed responds, and then blood begins to trickle down his face. He falls over, dead. Sam removes his hat to reveal a giant hole and locusts crawling in and out of it. A+ death squickiness this episode.

Back at their hotel, the brothers start research on why ancient biblical plagues are terrorizing the people in this town. Sam confirms the Christopher Birch story. Dean is still skeptical that this is heaven’s work. He comes up with the brilliant idea of calling Cas.

Sam insists that Cas isn’t listening. He’s tried many times. Dean still wants to give it a go.

And much to Sam’s chagrin, Cas appears.

**CLASSIC TFW ALERT**

Sam mocks Cas’s greeting. Cas confirms that “Hello” is still the proper greeting. Sam gets indignant that Cas ignored him for so long, and yet Dean calls once and *Poof* he’s here.

Sam: So, what, you -- you like him better or something?

Cas: Dean and I do share a more profound bond.

Cas: (to Dean) I wasn't gonna mention it.

In all that’s been made of this little exchange, it’s not the “profound bond” that gets me --it’s the little aside, just to Dean, when he clarifies that he wasn’t going to bring it up but Sam forced his hand.

Dean chastises Cas a bit for ignoring Sam’s pleas. Cas couldn’t help, after all has has NO CLUE who *cough* he did *cough* brought him back from the cage. Also, Cas came back to check in on the plague situation. And let me pause right here and scream into the void over Edlund’s writing of Cas. I know I’m just one more voice that feels this way, but he does it in such a way to make Cas strong, and awkward, and smart. Over the years, Cas has sometimes wandered into broad naive awkwardness at times, but this whole scene highlights his foreign-ness in a hilarious but believable way.

Cas then tells the boys that heaven isn’t killing these people but one of heaven’s weapons is causing them: the staff of Moses. However, the weapon isn’t at full strength so Cas does a little detective work and rules out Moses as a suspect.

Dean wonders why “Chuck Heston’s disco stick” is Earth-side. Cas informs them that heaven is in chaos, and some weapons were stolen.

Cas asks the brothers for their help in locating this weapon. Sam scoffs at the irony. CHUCK DAMNIT, just help him! Listen to him! Let’s rewrite season 6! (Oh wait, they did with season 12! Ha, Cas STILL DIED. WTF, show? Why must you torture us? Haha, I’m fine, it’s all good. I’m not spiraling into late-season hellatus madness at all.) Needless to say, Cas is done with their crap. For the past “year”, he’s been a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. More people will die without the Winchester’s intervention.

So, back to the case, the only lead they have is the father of Christopher Birch asking for an investigation into his death.

Cas flaps in with the Winchesters to investigate Darrell Birch, the father of the person the cops framed. They land right in the guy’s living room. Sam bridges Darrell’s what-the-fuck gap by immediately flashing his FBI badge.

They immediately try to shake the truth from their purported perp.

Cas: You smote them with the Staff of Moses.

Darrell: What kind of Fed are you?

Cas: Real “Fed” up with your runaround.

Aaron, Darrell’s son, comes in pointing a segment of the Staff of Moses at the three. Cas flaps over and takes the staff from the boy. Aaron pleads for leniency - he was the one who brought destruction on the cops who killed his brother. They ask him where he got the weapon.

He prayed for help and an angel gave it to him, but never told him his name. Dean has a hard time believing that it was just a benevolent gift and he looms over Aaron, insisting on the truth. It turns out that Aaron bought a section of the Staff of Moses in exchange for his soul. Cas zonks Aaron out and flaps everyone back to the hotel room before you can say, “He really puts the ass in Cas.”

“Cas, you realize you just kidnapped a kid,” Dean points out, supremely weirded out. Cas explains that he wants to see the brand on the kid’s soul - that’ll tell him who bought it. Cas begins rolling up his sleeves so he can stick his arm into Aaron and get a read on his soul. It’ll be excruciatingly painful for Aaron, but productive. Sam’s on board with this plan and Dean is HORRIFIED. (Oh, Dean Bean.)

While Aaron gets tortured by Cas’s inquisition, Dean spares a glance at his stone cold brother. His spider sense is tingling… (Boris interjects: I think this whole scene is a great example of how casual viewers watch the show vs. fans that really take the time to analyze things. I was 100% casual the first viewing and I was eye-rolling through the whole season. Sam was such a jerk! Cas didn't care about humans? But this scene is just screaming at the audience that there's something amiss with both of them!)

Cas identifies the soul purchaser as Balthazar, just in time for one of Raphael’s loyal angels to spring in and attack. Cas and the other angel fight, eventually falling from the window and smashing into Sam’s car below.

“Okay, silver lining,” Dean remarks upon seeing Sam’s squished car. Cas flaps back upstairs and starts puttering around the kitchen. The Winchesters want to know NOW what the hell was going on with that angel attack. It turns out that Raphael wants to run Heaven and if he wins, the apocalypse restarts. So, it’s civil war up in Heaven. No wonder Cas is cranky.

Cas starts outlining a spell in chalk on a tabletop. He confesses that he didn’t talk to Dean and Sam because he was ashamed of the state of affairs up in Heaven. The spell activates and tracks Balthazar. Cas immediately flaps them to Balthazar’s little hidey hole: a giant, opulent mansion.

Cas infiltrates the mansion and tracks Balthazar to a swinging, disco-lit room. The doors slam shut behind him. Balthazar swans in, a drink held in his hand. He’s already fought off the other angel who had attacked Cas earlier and has clearly used the Staff of Moses on him. A frog emerges from the angel’s lips.

Balthazar: You know, the old frog in the throat. Castiel: Even I know that that's a bad joke.

(Me: Sasstiel… <3 )

Cas tells him that he mourned his death and then tries to get to the bottom of what Balthazar is up to down on Earth. Cas tells him that he’s an honorable soldier. He’s not a thief. But Balthazar contests that he stole Heaven’s weapon stash because he could. Free will!

“You're the one who made it possible,” Balthazar tells him. “The footsteps I'm following -- they're yours. What you did, stopping the big plan, the prize fight? You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us. It's a new era. No rules, no destiny. Just utter and complete freedom.”

Cas disapproves. MEGA strongly. He begs Balthazar for the weapons. Only with those will he beat Raphael and his minions. Balthazar assures him that even if they manage to defeat Raphael, Cas won’t be able to put a stop to the angelic infighting.

Thunder rumbles...Raphael’s arrived.

Balthazar flaps out, leaving Cas alone in the house. Sam and Dean attract two minions and use an angel-banishing sigil to zap them away. Cas kills one other, then Raphael takes hold and starts kicking the crap out of Cas.

Things are looking bad for the Rebel Alliance when Balthazar sashays back in. He holds out a chunk of rock and turns Raphael’s vessel into rock salt. He’s about to peace out again when Dean lights a circle of holy fire around him. Dean demands that Balthazar free Aaron’s soul and under some duress (and some hard core looks from Cas - see Exhibit A below) he releases his debt.

Exhibit A

Souls are extremely valuable and furthermore, they imbue their possessors with immense power. Dean wants to keep grilling Balthazar but Cas puts the fire out, thus clearing his debt to his old friend. Balthazar flaps out, and Cas follows quickly thereafter, leaving Dean and Sam alone.

Sam and Dean pack up the trunk of the Impala (now that Sam’s car is totaled he’s back to riding with Dean). Dean asks if Sam’s feeling okay but Sam protests that he’s totally fine. Sam insists that he’s just rough around the edges but Dean’s not so sure. Sam was in Hell and Hell is...Hell. Sam floats the idea that Hell was torture for Dean, but Sam’s made of stronger stuff. (Me: wraps Dean in a soft, woolen blanket.) The episode closes with the brothers hopping in the car together, Dean intensely uncomfortable and suspicious.

The Last Time Someone Quoted at Me Like This, I Got Laid:

Who died and made you boss?

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here.

“It’s nice to know what matters.” “It does help one to focus.”

I think we can rule Moses out as a suspect.

Friggin’ angels.

I was expecting more Doctor No, less Liberachi.

You might as well blow coke and jump on the bed.

#spn recap #spn rewatch #spn #spn 6x03 #the third man #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #cas #balthazar #raphael #supernatural season 6 #he was my ben edlund thing

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elizabethrobertajones · 8 years ago

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7 and 12? thanks 😊

Anonymous said:22. Tell us about the books on your “to write” list

@dorkilybeautiful said: 5, 13, 53 for the writer asks.

Ooops, I forgot I queued this, while scrambling to fill up my queue a few nights ago and feeling more talkative :P

*attempts to summon up energy* I suppose I was thinking talking about stuff would clear my head anyway >.>

7. Favorite/most inspirational book?Holes by Louis Sacher. I read it one zillionty times when I was a kid, marvelling at its perfect structure. Literally not a line in that book is wasted. Everything comes around again as turning out to be foreshadowing or important, meaningful plot elements, and it’s all just so perfectly, coherently done. When I did my A Levels I got to compare 2 books for the big essay at the end, and I wanted to write about the narrative structure of Holes vs The Kite Runner, which was one of the recommended texts our teacher gave us, and I thought had a sort of similar economy with making pretty much everything in the opening portion of the book pay off in the second half. But my teacher told me that Holes was a kids book (probably with the impression a goofy Hollywood movie had been made of it at that point - which, obviously, the film is amazing too although I had inhaled the book too many times to find it 100% satisfying anymore :P) and anyway I wasn’t allowed. Still think I learned a million things more about narrative and storytelling from Holes than I did from the Kite Runner, where I was just applying the lessons I already knew >.> (I have other favourite books but when it comes to most inspirational as well, I may have a ton of things that inspired me aesthetically or pandered to my interests while telling a great story, but this is The Book :P)

12. Which story of yours do you like best? why?(Obviously the ridiculously convoluted 8th book of my series that narratively ties up everything from the sprawling mess of the first 7 and reveals my writer’s xanatos gambits I’d been sitting on the entire time with only hints that this was going anywhere other than hilarious misadventures on various wild unconnected themes)Assuming we’re talking about fic though :P I’m really fond of the coda fics I’ve written so far this year, because I found the show took me to some really weird places and they were really fun to write to look at the stuff that happened in the episodes from completely different angles. And to have all the female characters. But I think my favourite story is probably “A List of Reasons the Bunker Shouldn’t Get A Sofa:” because I really enjoyed writing a story in list form and messing around with the format and stuff. It feels like the sort of thing I want to write all the time - fun nonsense that has interesting structure and challenges me to write differently from how I normally would. I had to be pretty concise with that, and because I had to start each segment with a line that was just the narration or dialogue but ALSO made a valid point about the sofa, I was forced to jump into scenes in the middle or explain things really concisely, and… It was just fun to do a story like that, though I don’t wanna do loads more because it will just become a gimmick if *I* do it. I’d love to read more list-based stories though :P

22. Tell us about the books on your “to write” listOh gosh, books 7 and 8 need a bit of a go-over for mythology changes that cropped up during editing, but I’m nearly done with the… octology? Is that what you call 8 books? It’s part of an at least 12 books planned series and I started 9 but got slapped around the head and went back to work on the early ones and have finished 1-5 and working on 6 now, but when I finish 6 I’ll have full drafts of everything even if 7 & 8 are dated. I really want to write more of my vampire and wizard solve crimes together series because I think that could go places and I have a Lot of fun with them, but I need to also be able to write magic crimes in the first place >.>Fic wise, I finally cracked what has become the Terrible Coffee AU, and I’m 10k words into it and plan to write a lot more and I’m not sharing it until I’ve made enough progress to not flake out on it.

(And Dorkilysoulless’s ask came in while I was working on these or I’d have blended this into the first one but I’ll just count that one as a free answer)5. Top five formative books?- the entire Discworld series by Terry Pratchett- The Time of the Ghost by Diana Wynne Jones (I mean all of her stories in general, but this one fucked me up :P)- Harry Potter - Finding Cassie Crazy by Jaclyn Moriarty & Ally’s World by Karen McCombie which are both novels/series of books about teen girls in the form of letters and diaries which I basically just borrowed everything from and then rammed fairies into for my own stories- if we’re talking formative, my abject childhood terror of The Hobbit probably also explains a hell of a lot

13. Describe your writing processStaring into The Void.Also mostly forcing myself to go to coffee shops so I have no excuse not to work. I like walking and going on bus rides etc to think about stuff - anything where I can space out and have nothing else to think about but daydream my way through plotholes. I used to walk home from school where I was at least half an hour from home, and I got a lot of thinking done those days… I prefer to write in notebooks first, and my entire floor to ceiling shelf full of notebooks dating back to, like, primary school with work on novels in them has a pretty continuous account of my work… I like the typing up process as it lets me get in a freebie second draft. I’m also very good at remembering the exact sentence I left off on in books when I read OR write them, so I have been pretty good about swapping between computer and notebook. Some stories just feel like they need to be typed first time. Others, need the notebook :P My friends give me notebooks for Christmas and birthdays and actually feel like I’m going to use them, because of said floor to ceiling collection of used notebooks. I have no qualms whatsoever about ruining an epic notebook with writing.

53. What is the first line of your WIP?>.> Spilling state secrets here, but this is how Terrible Coffee AU starts:

“Is thisreally the only place to get coffee in town?”

#Asks #writing

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robininthelabyrinth · 8 years ago

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Legends Recap

Because while I was determined not to (I was three episodes behind!), sometimes a girl's just got to scream into the void: "HOW DO THESE WRITERS KEEP THEIR JOBS?"

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Raiders of the Lost Art: Wow, I don’t care about Rip. Also, you had the fucking spear of destiny through all of season 1? Fucking incompetent.

I’ve seen the Mick scene before. *hugs Mick*

…Nate is such an annoying frat boy. 3AM blasting bad music? In a small space near other people’s sleeping quarters? And just “oh, yeah, sorry, I needed to do a thing” as an explanation? We have a name for those people: assholes.

Again: Indiana Jones is an archeologist. Not a historian.

“Anyone would have made the call to save Grey!” “Would Rip?” Answer: no, because Rip doesn’t care about the team. Remember how he did that repeatedly last season? Why is this show trying to push Sara’s weird (and out of nowhere) crush on Rip?

I have literally no interest in Rip’s issues. Zero.

Fear of giant toads, somehow related to Mick’s mother (reference to “mommy talk”). Dragon!Mick confirmed?

Mick’s expression of “you’ve got to be kidding me” is going to be the highlight of this episode, I can tell.

I’m pleased they remember that Mick can knock someone out without harming them. I’m less pleased that they seem to have forgotten that Sara can do the same?

“Oh now, our way out is block! Pity we didn’t bring Jax, so that we could literally Firestorm fly our way out! That would have made sense, but cost precious CGI money!”

Mick’s tradition of carrying people continues.

Oh god, this episode’s only halfway over. Make it stop.

Goody, Stein insulting Mick to his face. Also, emotional problems leading to hallucinations are a serious problem??? Even if it’s just “emotions”, there are hallucinations?

NOTE TO AUDIENCE: Not having 4 PhDs or a history degree = total inability to read words!

NOTE TO AUDIENCE: Not being an inventor or a historian makes you useless!

Also, apparently getting mugged once can cause a change of career after dropping money and time into it.

Why did they move the chair into Mick’s room? HOW did they? (Why were we, the audience, deprived of the glorious scene of Mick and Stein hauling it down the hallway)

Also, Mick has been interpreting Stein’s academic technobabble without a problem the whole episode, and yet, everyone on board thinks he’s stupid…

I’m incredibly pissed at this episode for raising hopes of Len and then destroying them. Both for Mick, and for the audience.

I’m also not here for the Rip/Sara thing. Also the fact that this show seems to assume people will be super disbelieving despite being on a goddamn spaceship.

Oh, my bby! Mick’s head is literally SLICED OPEN in that scene! WTF?

I get all the Star Wars references, I just…don’t care…

George Lucas is holding the spear of destiny, which makes him a great director…or, at least, married to one. He’s a good tech guy, at least.

In which the Guy Who Has Never Been In A Fight Decides Not To Run From Evil Bad Guys Because…Plot.

Mick’s little smile when he says “ghost” and the heartbreak after it is just…unnecessary. Also, wtf, Stein, hallucinations are not a usual response to grief, okay?

Ugh.

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Legion of Doom:

Damien’s intro is more interesting than 95% of the normal Legends’.

Okay, why is Merlyn having Feelings about Darkh dying? (Also, wouldn’t removing Darkh from the timeline mean that that timeline no longer happens? Why do G. Lucas’ ~~feelings~~ about filmmaking have an immediate impact but literally removing the person who doesn’t go on to do any of the shit he later does not?)

Fucking writers. This could be such a good show if they cared even a LITTLE.

I do enjoy the sheer bitchiness of the bad guys. Pity they’re Nazis. Also, do we need all the scenes of tortures?

ALSO: why the hell would his daughter help with a mystical artifact? Like, I see that she does because of plot, but couldn't they have put any effort into explaining why her specialty is required? Also, why does she have a radiation detector in her pocket when she goes to get coffee?

Bad guys: bitch-bitch-bitch.

Bad guys: bitch about each other.

Bad guys: yet MORE bitching!

Bad guys: worst bank robbers ever?

Mick’s difficulty thinking of the word is adorable. And yeah, she deserved to know. Everyone acting super weird about her, and she doesn’t know why? She would have wanted to know. It was clearly deliberate, too (I love how he goes to “asphyxiation”!)

Bad guys: going back to bitching. With swords! (See, I’d like them, but: Nazis.)

Stein is moping because Mick “spilled the beans” on a secret he shouldn’t be keeping. So sad.

Both sides figure out Eobard, finally. Also, can’t Eo just phase out through the wall?

Speedster: not…use…speed…force? I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand?

Eo’s terror face is hilarious. Also, did everyone just forget about phasing?

Stein’s family drama, yeah, yeah. Stein: Can’t you stay? Lily: No, the budget can’t afford another regular. I mean, I have protein-folding to be doing instead of LITERAL time travel with future science! Because that’s totally how normal people/scientists make decisions!

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Turncoat:

Mick’s intro is lovely.

Interesting mention about “time travel” being fun – I assume not all the memories are back in place. That, or being a Time Master is even more dull than I’d previously imagined.

I’m in for Gideon killing everybody! *notes down fic idea*

Go Mick! Use your skills! (Ray deserves all the arm twisting.)

Nate and Amaya – boring. And seriously, with the ‘falling into his arms’ thing?

Good lord, someone actually makes a plan that includes the line “and then if there’s trouble, Firestorm”? I thought I’d never see the day.

(Ray should totally go as a toy. And Ray, stop making faces at Mick – you’ve been a dick to him all season, only fair he gets some licks back in.)

“Oh you’re married to a black woman! Don’t you know we were racist back then!” says the man in late 18th century New Jersey, where rich black women could still vote. (No, really, in a handful of states black women could vote as long as they owned property. This was one of the rights that was lost when the US got itself a federal government. But the past was always racist! because we didn't make this joke enough when Kendra and Ray were dating!)

Ray’s “Mer-ry Christmas!” is amusing.

Mick identifies the problem faster than anyone else, as usual. Mick disapproves of Rip’s behavior – and Rip’s attempt to compare the two of them. For shame, Rip; as usual, thinking the worst of Mick.

“And Rory.” “That was implied.” Yeah, sure. At least Jax gets next Captain after Sara goes! First time I’ve seen any reference to Jax’s leadership skills in…the entire series…

Really. Twice. That doesn’t make it funny.

“I’ll bet a hundred yous you’re wrong” = Mick is the best. Georgie isn’t wrong about there being rules of war, but Mick is still the best.

Jax. Jax. I love you, but there is a DIFFERENCE between “wow, I’m in charge of a handful of people and need to make decisions” and “I’m going to do a potentially life threatening activity involving literally digging into my friend’s stomach (which is filled with organs that, if nicked, could cause sepsis and death) with a knife, and I’m going to do it without a guide or any experience”. Stein wins this one hands down.

Okay, let me just be clear: somehow, Amaya has been on this ship for months and months and never heard the term ‘dating’ and is instead using ‘courting’, which is the most formal of formal terms used in the past. Because obviously a man – to use old-fashiony language like this show wants to – “called on” or “stepped out with” a woman a few times before officially declaring a courtship. Because the past didn’t have one-night stands, because people only developed libidos around the time of the internet. SERIOUSLY SHOW? People have been fucking for fun since forever. The whole “sexual revolution” thing was a revolution because women could have sex for fun WITHOUT RISK OF PREGNANCY.

Before then, they still had sex, they used what contraceptives they had and hoped for the best. There’s a reason shotgun weddings were a thing. And why

And I was told they went with the “huddling for warming -> sex” thing, I knew it was coming, it’s just…disappointing. Boring.

Jax Home Alone looks like it’s going to be fun.

Rip – the most ahistorical haircut, or the most ahistorical haircut? Ugly, too.

Georgie: “Don’t punish Mick! He’s not guilty!” Mick: “You bet your ass I am! Possibly not at the moment, but of many other things! And also, just generally speaking!”

Still bored with Nate/Amaya.

Jax Home Alone is not anywhere near as fun as I was hoping. Boo.

Mick: So I’m getting you out of here. George: No. Mick: *tries insults* *it’s not very effective* George: *stirring speech* Mick: *stirring speech* *it’s super-effective!* George: …

“Oh, no, what about George Washington and Rory!” says the person happily having sex and napping instead literally five minutes before.

Awwwww, Ratigan! That is some terrible CGI.

Why are they selling the Rip/Sara? It’s icky. (This is me: totally believing that Sara’s dead. Really. Totally. Even for five seconds.)

First, the historical critique: they shouldn’t ALL be standing around at a hanging with primed guns, that’s a recipe for disaster.

Second: I don’t even care this is glorious. Mick saves everyone! Mick tackles four people! George uses his superior height!

Also, if Mick convinced him early in the evening, then they literally spent all night talking.

First instance of Georgie-boy! (though poor Mick is still suicidal, oh dear)

George: …yeah, Americans out, stage left, pursued by bear.

Jax, Jax, baby, just shoot him in the kneecap. What the hell is with these heroes? Sara’s back and decides to use Christmas against everyone because…no, I have no idea why. Is it just me or does it feel like these episodes are massively out of order?

Awwww, Georgie and Mick drinking together <3 Mick and the criminal justice system! And then they hug! Mick finally has a good friend!

“Rebel spirit, steadfastness, crass yet effective use of language, you’re the best of what our new nation can be” – Mick is now officially embarrassed and hiding. Man, if I hadn’t already written that Barry/Mick fic, I would now.

Sara and Jax bro-ship is perfectly okay. More of that.

Mick in a hat! Mick with his new rat! <3 Mick kissing his new rat!

“We have nothing to celebrate – including Mick getting a statute!” – why, guys, why?

(Mick’s face of “yeah I still got nothing” whenever the statute is mentioned is adorable)

“Because the League may have everything – smarts, beauty, cunning, charisma…wait, where was I going with this?”

#dc's legends of tomorrow #lot liveblog

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pokemaniacal · 8 years ago

Text

Pokémon Moon, Episode 11: In Which I Perform an Exorcism

With no other clear direction obvious to me, I leave Malie City and wander south. The southeast coast of Ula’ula Island is dominated by extremely rough, rocky, arid scrubland. Although the Z-Crystal that I earned in Sophocles’ trial gets me through the Island Challenge barricades on the southeast road, it doesn’t take long before the rocks become totally impassable. Fortunately, Hapu (who is almost certainly very important, though I’m still not sure why) is on hand to offer me the solution: she allows me to freely summon her Mudsdale as a riding Pokémon. Mudsdale is slow compared to the other Tauros and Stoutland, but can move effortlessly over rough terrain that would reduce them to uncoordinated stumbling. Hapu points me in the direction of Tapu Village, at the base of Mount Lanakila, for my next trial, then bids me good luck and farewell.

The southeast road curves along the barren, rocky coast of Ula’ula Island until it finally reaches a ramshackle settlement made up of a motel and a few broken-down mobile homes huddled around an oasis. Is this… Tapu Village? It’s… kind of a dump. Hau has arrived here just ahead of me, brimming with energy as always. As we talk – or, more accurately, as Hau bubbles at me cheerfully – a voice cuts across from behind me. “You only have one volume, don’t you?” it asks disdainfully. I turn to see Gladion, the strange pale boy working for Team Skull that we met on Akala Island. “Gah! He’s back!” Hau cries. Gladion makes a face at him. “Haven’t you ever heard the expression that silence is golden?” “Believe me, dude, I’m with you on that one,” I tell him. Hau looks upset, but Gladion ignores me and continues speaking. “Listen, Team Skull is looking for a Pokémon called Cosmog… Do you two know anything?” Hau’s eyes widen and he starts spluttering. “What!? N-not that we’d tell you!” “Hau, shut up and let me handle this,” I hiss, shooting him a quick cautionary glance. Gladion fixes his gaze on Hau, like he’s staring right through him. “So you do know something.” “What if we do?” I ask. Gladion keeps glaring at Hau, who is rapidly wilting under the pressure. “Hey.” I snap my fingers. “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” Gladion rolls his eyes and turns to me, and Hau breathes a sigh of relief. “What if we do know something?” I give him a conspiratorial smirk. “How much is it worth to you?” Hau looks shocked, but Gladion just grunts. “Ugh… Look… Cosmog isn’t even a strong Pokémon. But it has the potential to summon Pokémon so terrifyingly strong that you don’t even know.” Summon…? Like, through an Ultra Wormhole? Can Cosmog create Ultra Wormholes? But then- then Lillie must already have what she needs to summon the Ultra Beast that she was researching in the Malie Library! Unless… no… no, it has the potential to, Gladion said. I can still stop Lillie’s plans if I can find out what will unlock Nebby’s potential and stop her from getting it… but I can’t let her realise how much I know. “If something like that happened, it would be a disaster for Alola,” Gladion continues. “A disaster?” Hau exclaims. “Like… a real disaster? Then what’re we supposed to do about it?” “Protect it!” Gladion answers, exasperated. “If you do know where Cosmog is or if you do find anything out… just keep it safe!” “Safe from what…?” I ask, fishing for more information. “You said you work for Team Skull. Why would you want us to keep Neb- uh- this ‘Cosmog’ Pokémon safe from them? What’s your real angle here?” Gladion tenses up slightly. “Working for Team Skull doesn’t mean I always have to agree with them. You’ve met Guzma. Can you even imagine what he would be like with Cosmog under his control?” I stare at him intently. “You’re lying,” I state matter-of-factly. The truth is, I’m actually not sure this time, and I certainly don’t want Guzma to be able to summon god-killing abominations from the Endless Void at will – but there’s no reason to let Gladion know that. “Something else is going on here. They’re looking for Cosmog for someone else… or… to keep it away from someone else?” He doesn’t take the bait. “I know I might be working for Team Skull right now, so you may not trust me or even care, but… I’m going to tell you this just once. You have to protect Cosmog! No matter what!” He turns and leaves, ignoring Hau’s attempts to ask more questions.

Well, at least I know one thing for sure: the saintly Aether Foundation has nothing to do with this. After all, Lusamine seemed so nice! Her foundation couldn’t possibly be involved with anything as disreputable as a turf war with Team Skull, let alone Lillie’s apocalyptic plans to summon Lunala and plunge Alola into eternal night. Nope; that is one Alolan faction that I see no reason to investigate whatsoever.

Now that I’m free to explore the oasis, I quickly discover that this is not Tapu Village at all. The “village” is a blasted ruin to the west of the oasis, at the bottom of the trail that leads up Mount Lanakila, where only a Pokémon Centre and a few stone totems are still standing. The cluster of beaten-up mobile homes seems to be a makeshift settlement of Alola’s assorted hopeless and dispossessed. Honestly it seems like this is just a place where the Alolans ditch people they don’t want to think too hard about – a campervan graveyard on the edge of the unforgiving Haina Desert, where the local deity, Tapu Bulu, is said to live in isolation. So… if I’m understanding the situation correctly, the Tapu of Life lives next to a cemetery, and the Tapu of Abundance lives in the middle of a desert. I can only assume that no one has ever offered the Alolan pantheon any sort of image consulting. Among the societal debris of this alleged settlement are several members of Team Skull, who seem to own one of the campervans. I guess this is their home, making me the intruder this time, but they make no effort to make me feel unwelcome. They even talk to me for a while, satisfying some of my curiosity about who they are and where they come from. Team Skull, apparently, had once been led by an Alolan Kahuna, but fell out of favour after they “got smacked down by the wrath of the Tapu,” which, to be honest, I can sympathise with. I’m rapidly starting to feel like Team Skull may be the victims in all of this (or at least, many of their members; I have yet to develop any particular compassion for Guzma). Alolan society and tradition have left them behind, casting them out to the edges of civilisation, and now Kukui’s revolution is threatening to do it again. There’s some straight-up classism just below the surface here.

If Professor Kukui’s Lanakila League ever takes off, then Tapu Village might become a thriving settlement again thanks to the tourism, but for now, it barely even qualifies as a village. Aside from the Pokémon Centre, there’s just a big abandoned supermarket, sitting just back from the black iron-sand beach on the south coast. Apparently it was built on sacred land, drawing the wrath of the Tapu, and is now overrun by Ghost Pokémon. It’s also a trial site, but its Captain – presumably that Acerola chick who was conspiring with Lillie at the library – isn’t here. Out in the bay, there’s a ruined lighthouse, and there’s no word on what happened to that. Maybe Tapu Bulu just has really terrible aim? Outside the “village” to the northwest is only other location of any importance, a gleaming white building in the distinctive cuboid architectural style of the Aether Foundation: Aether House. The sign outside proclaims it to be a place “where people and Pokémon huddle together” – a refuge of sorts, not unlike the Aether Paradise, though Aether House also seems to harbour human children (orphans?). Despite the name, and the golden trident-like logo of the Aether Foundation prominently displayed above the reception desk, there don’t seem to be any actual Aether Foundation employees present. There is a receptionist manning the desk. However, this receptionist is an Oranguru. No one questions this. When Hau and I first arrive here, we manage to get into a fight with the unusually warlike children who live in Aether House with their Pokémon, but it doesn’t take long for Acerola to show up and reassure them that we aren’t their enemy. She seems to work at Aether House in some capacity, but I’m not clear on whether she’s part of the Aether Foundation – if so, it’s odd that she’s working with Lillie. Perhaps she’s a double agent working for Lillie’s terrorist cell to bring down the foundation from within… The plot thickens. Acerola formally invites me and Hau to take her trial at the abandoned Thrifty Megamart, which should be a good way to get the measure of her properly.

When I leave Aether House, Lillie is just outside – shouting at a member of Team Skull. Oh dear. “Your bag was moving!” the grunt accuses her. “Right in front of my eyes! And I’m just supposed to ignore that?!” That bag is where she hides Nebby when they’re in public. Ohhhhh dear. “Even if it’s not that rare of a Pokémon, I bet I could still get paid, yo,” the grunt continues. Lillie feigns terror, cowering with her bag held protectively behind her, but he clearly sees through her flimsy ruse and takes a step closer to her, looming threateningly. “Damnit,” I mutter under my breath. If this idiot forces Lillie’s hand, then either I’ll be railroaded into a confrontation with her right now, or Team Skull will get her Cosmog, and I’m not sure either of those scenarios end well. I recognise him as the grunt with the Drowzee that I battled a couple of times on Melemele Island, so I decide to step in and try to defuse the situation. “Hey there; what’s up, uh… homie?” I say cheerfully as I hastily insert myself in between Lillie and the grunt. “I’m sure we don’t need this to get violent, right? Why don’t you and I just leave the girl alone and I’ll, uh… buy you a nice Tapu Cocoa down at the Pokémon Centre or something?” He looks at me suspiciously. “You again? I remember you – you’re that numskull what B keeps talking about.” I blink a few times. “Yeah, I- um. Wait, he does? Really? Like… what kind of things does he even say?” Lillie cocks her head and stares at me in abject confusion. I give her some frantic hand signals behind my back in hopes of getting her to scurry into Aether House. “I dunno, he just, like… never shuts up when we’re all hanging out at the boss’s crib. It’s mad distractin’, yo! Homie needs to check himself ‘fore he wrecks himself.” “Well… no, I mean, yeah, I get it, just… like, for example…?” I ask, doing my best to appear casual while simultaneously progressing my hand signals for Lillie to more insistent and obscene levels. My strategy is working in one respect at least; the grunt is now getting far too mystified with my line of questioning to pay any attention to her. “Uh… I guess last time we was all chillin’, he kept talkin’ about how you beat the boss in Malie City. It’s like that numskull don’t even know what Guzma’d do to us if he heard someone mouthing off like that!” My reputation is spreading! At this rate, Guzma will have lost control of Team Skull by next Thursday! Meanwhile, as the grunt talks, Lillie slowly creeps up the Aether House front stairs. “What’choo even care for, yo?” “Oh, well, I don’t, I just- Well, the more of you know how strong I am, the easier it gets to keep you from causing trouble, right?” I pause to think. “Not that that’s stopped any of you from trying to fight me so far…” Lillie has made her way inside, and is now nowhere to be seen. Mission accomplished. “Do you think you could give B a message from me?” I ask, trying to keep the grunt’s thoughts disrupted as long as possible. “…sure?” He waits for a few seconds. “So…?” “Um. Just… tell him I said hi?” I suggest. “And, uh, maybe tell him to tone it down when Guzma’s around? You know, check himself before he wrecks himself?” The grunt looks at me like I just told him I want dancing lessons for my Walrein because it’s the wrong shade of orange. “Whatever, homie,” he says with a shrug. “I gotta split. Laters!” He wanders off, still looking baffled.

…what? It worked, didn’t it?

Acerola meets me outside the defunct Thrifty Megamart, as promised, and explains the rules of her trial. All I have to do is find her Ghost-type Totem Pokémon within the ruins of the store and take its picture with the Rotomdex’s camera. Easy, right? She even offers me a hint: the Totem Pokémon will probably be hidden, but should come out to “join the fun” if it sees the other Ghost Pokémon enjoying a photo op and gets jealous. Well, this should be refreshingly straightforward. Acerola bids me good luck and, with the Rotomdex hovering at my side, I enter the abandoned store.

…wow, this place is a dump. Empty storage boxes and overturned shopping trolleys blocking half the aisles, piles of canned food that no-one ever bothered to claim, bare shelves coated with dust, windows gone dark from years of neglected grime… No Ghost Pokémon yet, but that’s not surprising; most Ghost-type species prefer to observe humans on their own terms before engaging. I walk softly past a collapsed shelf of decaying magazines, scanning the store for movement. Somewhere to my left, I hear a loud “clunk,” and one of the checkout conveyor belts starts moving on its own. That’s… not normal. I go to examine the checkout. “Zzzzt! What are you waiting for?” the Rotomdex buzzes, floating around in front of me. “Take a photo!” It waves its ‘arm’ at the empty air in front of us. “…dude, you’re glitching again. There’s nothing there.” “WooooooOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOO!” “You were zzzzzzzaying?” “...it’s the wind. Probably.” “You really can’t zzzzzzzee that?” I shrug helplessly. “Juzzzzzt look through my camera!” The Rotomdex boots up its camera function and hovers right in front of my nose. I blink, uncross my eyes, and peer at the screen. The Gastly floating overhead laughs and pokes out its tongue. The Rotomdex clicks loudly and snaps a photo of the Gastly, which immediately turns itself visible and attacks. Startled, I yelp, tumble backwards over another checkout counter, and fumble for my Golisopod’s Pokéball. A quick Payback attack is enough to see the Gastly off, leaving Golisopod to wonder what her trainer is doing upside down on the floor of a derelict supermarket.

“So you can see Ghost Pokémon even while they’re out-of-phase?” I ask the Rotomdex as I creep further into the building, my Golisopod in tow. “Zzzzt! I’m a Ghost Pokémon too, remember, bosszz?” “And you can project what you see onto your display?” A discarded trolley starts rattling, and we move to investigate. “Close enough. My cameras can pick up all the same thingzzzz my eyes can.” “Oh, that makes sense.” We detect and dispatch a Haunter in the same way as the Gastly before it. “…wait, you have multispectral cameras?” “Zzzzt! Sure do, bosszz!” “Um… why?” I ask. “What do you mean, why? I’m a top-notch rezzzearch tool! I’m zzzztate of the art!” the Rotomdex responds indignantly. “Jeez, it was just a question; no need to get your circuits knotted.” It buzzes at me with irritation. “Although… you’re not really, are you?” “What’zzz that supposed to mean!?” “Well… the body that the Professors gave you – the Pokédex – that’s where all your useful functionality comes from. You’re just… kind of an annoying tour guide.” “ZZZZZZT! Without me, thizzz thing is just a glorified Kindle with the battery life of a suicidal Voltorb! I’m the one that allows new information and data analysis to come out of your random stumbling around Alola!” “Random stumbling!? That- well, okay, that’s fair, but… hang on. Analysis?” Over in the back corner of the store, I see a Pikachu doll and a Marill doll levitate off their shelf. “Who do you think writezz all those Pokédex entries!? Zzzzt!” “Wait – you write… yourself? Every one of your entries is your original work?” The Rotomdex is silent for a moment, then gives an embarrassed buzz. “Not exzzzactly. I’m the… ethereal spark that lets the Pokédex’s AI function. But I don’t really know how it works. If I want to know something from my database, I can juzzzzt… think of it, and it’s like I knew it all along, but I don’t know how I know it or where I learned it.” “…trippy.” “Zzzt! You’re damn right it is, boss! But I wouldn’t pass it up for anything! While I’m living inside this box, I’m the zzzmartest thing in the universe!” “Whatever; don’t get a swelled CPU.” We snap a picture of a Gengar, walking on air and controlling the floating dolls. The Gengar attacks, and my Golisopod smacks it through a wall with Payback. We’re at the back of the store now, and nothing else seems to be moving. The whole place is eerily quiet. Suddenly, there’s a voice behind me. “Piiii-pikachu!” I spin around and see a little Pikachu in a gloomy corner. It runs off alongside the back wall of the store and ducks through a door that… I’m almost certain wasn’t there a second ago. “Oookay…” I say out loud. What would a Pikachu be doing in a place like this? I walk slowly towards the door. It’s ajar, and swings open with only a slight creak.

The room beyond is… tiny, barely large enough for me and Golisopod. The stark concrete walls are decorated with a dozen or more child’s drawings of a Pikachu with a little girl. “What… is all this doing here?” I ask. We’re in the back room of a supermarket, why…? “Pi-ka!” I turn around. The Pikachu is standing behind us. “Hello there…” I say cautiously. The Pikachu cocks its head. “Could you help me? I’m looking for a Totem Pokémon, and-” The Pikachu suddenly starts laughing, a scratchy, high-pitched sound that seems totally out of place. “Uh… boss?” the Rotomdex asks. “Who are you talking to?” “The-?” I blink. “You can’t see-?” I look to the Rotomdex, then back at the Pikachu. It flickers for a moment and then vanishes. The tiny room’s door slams shut and the lights cut out. “Ohhhhhh god…” The Rotomdex turns up its display brightness, and I catch sight of the Pikachu again – only it suddenly looks very wrong. Its skin is freakishly pale, its head lolls to one side, its ears are bent and crumpled, and its face looks scribbled on with a marker. It laughs again, and I snap. “OH SWEET JUMPING CR@P!” I shout, and roundhouse kick the not-Pikachu in the head. It just keeps laughing as its neck goes limp and its head dangles uselessly over its back. “KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!” I scream at my Golisopod, who clumsily tries to attack around me, leaving several dents in the concrete walls in the process. With another deranged, maniacal laugh, the not-Pikachu leaps onto Golisopod and beats her senseless. I hastily call on my Toucannon for a Beak Blast that burns the not-Pikachu and starts to seriously crack the walls, but it just pops a Lum Berry in its mouth, grabs my Toucannon and slams her to the ground. “ARCEUS I’VE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU! I’M SORRY FOR BEING TERRIBLE!” I shout as I send out my Salazzle. Panicking now, I perform a flailing improvisation of Kiawe’s fire dance and command an Inferno Overdrive. That does the trick, blasting the not-Pikachu right through the wall, leaving a gaping hole in the back of the supermarket. Unfortunately, it also fills the tiny cubicle with thick smoke and concrete dust. Coughing and hacking, I stumble outside into the light and collapse on the ground, exhausted. A minute later, I become aware of a curious face peering at me from above. “This one’s going straight on my instagram,” Acerola says cheerfully. “Hashtag spooked!”

Ridiculous quote log:

“I want to do business with Pokémon. For example, I could use the pincers of Crabrawler, which grow back constantly.” Wait, use them for what? Are you going to torture Pokémon to produce an endless supply of crab meat?

“Lana put her soul into the fishing rod she made. Er, don’t you think that the rod is Lana herself?” Um. Well, I didn’t until now, but you’re saying that with such conviction that I’m not sure anymore… and I’m going to start watching what I say around my fishing rod…

The team:

Tane the Decidueye Male, Timid nature, Overgrow ability Level 35 Steel Wing, Razor Leaf, Synthesis, Spirit Shackle

Rhea the Toucannon Female, Lax nature, Keen Eye ability Level 34 Screech, Roost, Beak Blast, Brick Break

Ashley the Psychu Female, Timid nature, Surge Surfer ability Level 34 Discharge, Hidden Power (Ice), Nasty Plot, Psychic

Hypatia the Slowpoke Female, Hardy nature, Own Tempo ability Level 34 Psychic, Yawn, Façade, Scald

Joanna the Salazzle Female, Timid nature, Corrosion ability Level 35 Flame Burst, Nasty Plot, Dragon Rage, Toxic

Sigourney the Golisopod Female, Careful nature, Emergency Exit ability Level 33 Brick Break, Payback, First Impression, Leech Life

#pokemon #pokemon moon playthrough #alola #hapu #gladion #hau #lillie #acerola #tapu village #togedemaru #golisopod #decidueye #bruxish #team skull #rotomdex #mimikyu

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calvincelebuski · 7 years ago

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Best Chef USA (reupload)

I deleted this so I could submit it to a magazine then realized it was too long for said magazine.

Recently, CNN introduced a new network, CNN Lifestyle. On this less-news-focused channel, reality shows such as “Lasting Love,” in which a newlywed couple is locked in a dimly lit, windowless room for six months and they are not allowed contact with anyone except each other, “Doing Time,” in which college students are separated into two groups, prisoners and prison guards and hilarious antics ensue, and “Where There be Dragons?” in which participants are blinded and thrown from a moving vehicle in the middle of a nature reserve on the island of Komodo are aired. The undisputed breakout hit on the network is “Best Chef USA,” a cooking competition show filmed on a cruise ship in international waters. Some critics argue that the success of this otherwise formulaic show is due almost entirely to an episode that aired last month. Nearly every major news program covered the episode, especially the programs aired on CNN, many of which devoted five straight months of programming to talking about it exclusively. It has been called one of the most controversial, disgusting, horrifying, culturally insensitive, and inhumane events in the history of television and many analysts and fans speculate that it will be a turning point in the history of reality TV.

The episode began, as most do, with the announcer saying, “Previously on Best Chef USA,” followed by a disorienting, fast-paced series of statements and reaction shots from the previous episode.

“He did what?”

“Todays featured ingredient is the humble banana.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“This is a disaster.”

“I can’t find my eggs.”

“Alright, I’m putting a pizza in the oven.”

“If you go home, I’ll eat my toes.”

“This is a disaster.”

Then a much longer clip was shown. There was something that had happened last week that the producers had told the editor to emphasize.

In the Best Chef Kitchen, Kevin and Mary stood before the judges’ table. Their dishes had been deemed the two worst of that episode. The five other contestants stood behind them. Behind the other contestants were the ten cooking stations that they used to prepare their dishes. The stations were set up in five rows of two, all facing towards the front of the room at the judges’ table. Everyone in the room who didn’t already know which of the two would be eliminated waited anxiously to find out. The three judges, Dan Stevenson, Less Famous Chef #1, and Less Famous Chef #2, looked at each other and then Dan looked at Kevin. “Kevin,” Dan said, “You’ve been eliminated. Please lay down your Kitchenaid Classic Nylon Slotted Turner.”

“I understand. I would have made the same choice,” said Mary, “for my parents, to make them proud.” She knew that the more she brought up her recently deceased parents, the more sympathy she would get from the audience, which would translate into support from the producers.

Kevin walked to the judges’ table and placed his spatula in the center. Then he turned around to exit the room, but on his way out he slipped on a banana peel, causing him to yell out “whoa,” throw his arms up into the air, and fall over. In post-production, the sound of a slide whistle was added. On his way down, he hit his head on the corner of a cooking station. His skull split open and the corner of the cooking station found its way inside. Blood came gushing out and a small amount of his brain came out as well. He was dead before he hit the ground.

One of the contestants, Jenny, said “This is a disaster.” The theme music began to play and the introduction was shown.

“Six chefs remain, all competing for some money, a handshake, and the title of Best Chef USA.”

The contestants were all shown one by one. They smiled and folded their arms. Each was accompanied by The Best Chef USA logo, fire against a black background, and his or her name and a brief description read by the announcer.

“Mary, a slightly overweight fifty-five-year-old with dead parents that she will stop at nothing to impress.”

“Victor, an intimidatingly handsome thirty-five-year old who you should hate with all of your being.”

“Kelsey, an attractive but non-threatening eighteen-to-thirty-four-year-old with blonde-dyed-hair.”

“Hank, a thirty-six-year-old man’s man who never goes anywhere without his trusty cowboy hat and sunglasses.”

“Louise, a forty-two-year-old Danish immigrant to the United States with dreams of opening her own restaurant.”

“Jenny.”

The intro ended and all of the competing chefs were shown sitting in a circle on the deck of the ship and looking at the ground. “This is a disaster,” Jenny said. The other chefs looked at her, slightly annoyed and also surprised. They had forgotten that she was still there.

“I ain’t never want to see someone’s body open up like that again,” Hank said, then he smiled and added, “unless it’s Kelsey’s sweet little p***y.”

Everyone looked at him. They were all completely disgusted and profoundly uncomfortable, none more so than Kelsey, who had never felt more unsafe in her life. Before the episode aired, however, the clip was edited together with another clip of everyone laughing. The producers had decided early on in the season that they couldn’t afford to make Hank the villain. He appealed to an important demographic: boyfriends and husbands of people who watch the show.

The screen cut to a confessional with Louise. “I can’t believe what happened to Kevin. He was just such a nice guy. That was such a terrible thing. I just-” Her eyes were welling up. She began to cry.

Although she didn’t hear it over her own sobbing, the producers were whispering to her from behind the camera, “Say it again but more Danish. Again, but more Danish. Say it like you just left Daneland.”

Then she looked into the camera and said, “and what the f**k is wrong with Ha-”

The screen cut to another confessional, this time with the producer-and-editor-designated villain, Victor. “What the f**k is wrong with Hank? Seriously. I really hope that *sshole gets what’s coming to him. I can’t stand that guy.” After this, he added, “No one here can,” but that was edited out in favor of a clip of him saying “And what’s up with Jenny? I don’t think I’ve heard her say anything other than ‘this is a disaster’ for the last few weeks.” The confessional was cut before he said, “I really hope she’s okay.”

The next confessional was with Jenny. “This is a disaster.”

After that was Hank. “I ain’t gonna apologize just for bein’ me. Yall should know I came here to win.” Instead of somehow connecting the two thoughts or saying something else or providing context, he tipped his cowboy hat, pulled his sunglasses down, smiled, and winked repeatedly until a producer told him to leave. Hank was from suburban Connecticut.

Mary went next. “Kevin is dead now, just like my parents. They died shortly before I came on this show, as I’ve said.” She had said it before in nearly every confessional. “Now I’m not only going to win this for them, I’m gonna win this for Kevin, who was like another parent to me even though he was thirty-three years younger than me. He had an old soul, that kid, and I can only hope he’s up there with Jesus and my parents in heaven.” She dabbed her eyes with a napkin, but there were no tears. “I just can’t deal with three people who were so important to me dying from such horrible, banana-peel-related deaths… Well four if you count cousin Louie, but that wasn’t my ba- never mind.”

Finally, Kelsey’s confessional was shown. What she actually said was “Hank is, like, such a creep. I really don’t feel safe around him. Does he think he’s funny or something? Why does he get away with all this stuff? Everyone here knows he’s a creep. Why hasn’t he been kicked off the ship?” but the confessional was edited to make her say, “Hank is, like, – funny or something?”

The confessionals were over and the contestants were all shown entering the Best Chef USA Kitchen. They all took their places standing in front of the cooking stations. Each had a small table to his or her right with knife on it. At the front of the room was a red curtain concealing that week’s featured ingredient. The host, Isabella Schell stepped out from behind the curtain. She was a slender brunette woman in a black dress who always seemed to have her right hand on her hip. Her mouth seemed to be stuck in a smile that always seemed pleasant at first, but, if anyone looked at it for too long, he or she became increasingly uncomfortable and almost got the feeling of staring into a void and that everything had suddenly, quietly become nothing. For this reason, long shots of her were rarely used. Whenever she spoke, she made broad gestures with her left hand and sometimes shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

“Hello, chefs.” They all tried to avoid looking directly at her mouth. “Today we have a very special surprise. We will be cooking something that has never been cooked before on Best Chef USA.” Because this was the first season, this statement itself did not do anything for the chefs. “But before I introduce that, we have a very special guest judge for today’s proceedings.” She walked behind the curtain. After a few seconds she jumped out and shouted “Me.” The chefs were surprised, mainly because they had never seen her shout or jump before. She didn’t really care what their reactions were; she was getting paid extra for this either way and any anticlimax would be overshadowed by what was about to happen. “Now, then,” she said, “your ingredient for this week is…” the curtain behind her fell, revealing Kevin’s naked, lifeless, cured body hanging upside-down from meat hooks “… Kevin.”

The contestants stared at the corpse. The throat had been cut and the blood drained. The body had mostly been skinned, but the producers had chosen to leave the skin of the head and neck there to make it clear to any viewers who missed last week’s episode and tuned in late that he was no longer a part of the competition. At the request of standards and practices, his genitalia had been cut off.

Louise gasped and went pale. The other contestants suppressed their reactions. Each one of them thought to his or herself some variation of “I’m going to win this, no matter what.”

“In parts of Polynesia, human flesh prepared for consumption is referred to as ‘long pig’ because of its similarity to pork,” Isabella said. She didn’t actually know if this was true or what “Polynesia” was, but the producers told her to say it, so she did.

The screen cut to a confessional with Kelsey. “When I saw that we had to cook long pig, I was like ‘ew,’ but then I was like, ‘not ew’ ‘cause it’s just meat, you know?”

The screen cut back to the kitchen and the three usual judges, Dan Stevenson, Less Famous Chef #1, and Less Famous Chef #2, walked out and stood next to the body. Dan was a celebrity chef and owner of the renowned restaurant, Food for your Fat Fucking Face. He was beloved the world over and considered one of the top authorities on food and undeniably more famous than the other two judges. His face was a constant grimace and his forehead had more wrinkles in it than anyone else he had ever met. When he wasn’t talking, his teeth were almost always clenched, even when he was at his most relaxed.

Less Famous Chef #1, also called LFC#1 had an emaciated figure, a dirty beard, and a constant odor that never seemed to get any better, but he wasn’t always like that. He used to be a beloved celebrity chef as well and owned the restaurant Good Ingredients, Great Eats, but he lost everything when Dan chose to open a second Food for your Fat Fucking Face with dramatically reduced prices right next to Good Ingredients, Great Eats and do regular meet and greets and autograph signings at the new location. After Good Ingredients, Great Eats went out of business and LFC#1 went bankrupt he began living on the streets and eating scraps, pigeons, rats, stray cats and dogs, and whatever he found in trash cans and dumpsters, which, where he lived, was usually scraps, pigeons, rats, and stray cats and dogs. He lived in Connecticut. Gradually, the general public forgot that he had ever existed. When this happened, Dan changed his prices back to the way they were in the original location and stopped showing up at the second location.

Less Famous Chef #2 or LFC#2, unlike the other two, had never been famous or even particularly successful in any regard before the show started. He was added as the third judge because the producers couldn’t find any other famous or once-famous chefs who would work for as little money as LFC#1 and under the same conditions.

Dan opened his mouth to speak, but LFC#2 spoke first. “As a person of Polynesian descent, I just want to say that this is a very poor representation of my people’s culture. I’m here for this episode because I’m contractually obligated to be and I need the money, not because I’m okay with what’s happening.” This statement would be edited out before air. One of the sources of controversy for the episode would come from people of Polynesian descent saying that the episode was disrespectful, with LFC#2 in particular taking a lot of heat from his own people for seeming to be complicit in it. This controversy would briefly make Less Famous Chef #2 the most famous chef on the show.

Dan shot LFC#2 a dirty look, but LFC#2 couldn’t tell the difference between that and a normal look from Dan. Then Dan said, “As was said before, you will be cooking with the Polynesian ingredient, long pig. Just do whatever it is you normally do with pork.”

Isabella looked at the contestants and said, “Alright chefs, are you ready? Everyone grab your Victorinox 47508 3-¼-Inch Paring Knife.” She paused and then said, “Go.”

The contestants all grabbed the knives in front of them and, with the exception of Louise, ran over to Kevin’s body. Louise walked slowly, not sure if what she was seeing was really happening and desperately hoping that she was about to wake up. At the body, the contestants were all frantically trying to get the best cuts of meat. The cameraman struggled to get a good angle.

In the chaos, while Hank tried to avoid looking at or getting any cuts from the buttocks, taint, or general crotch area, someone bumped into him and his knife was pushed into his side. “Aw, s**t.”

“This is a disaster,” Jenny said when she saw the wound.

The cameraman made sure to get a good shot of it. Hank pulled it out and, blood flowing from the wound, continued cutting meat off of Kevin’s body, swearing the whole time.

When Louise got to the corpse, most of the other contestants were already gone. She wasn’t looking in that direction, but she saw them run by, could hear each individual footstep as they scurried back to their stations, and saw the trail of blood left by Hank. Almost all of the good cuts were gone. Even, the face skin, the eyes, the intestines, and some of the bones were missing. The ribs in particular looked like they had been violently ripped out. Pieces of flesh were hanging off of various places. She thought that maybe if she made a dish she had fond memories of it would take her mind off of what she was actually doing. She decided to make something from her youth, Flæskesteg. The producers were always telling her to make something Danish anyway. She started hyperventilating when she cut into the back of the neck.

Back at the stations, Mary was chopping the ribs into smaller segments when a cameraman approached her. “I’m making deconstructed ribs,” she said “It was one of my dead parents’ favorite dishes and I’m doing it to honor them.” Her parents never had deconstructed ribs.

“I’m making deconstructed pork chops,” Kelsey said. “It’s like, I don’t know, you know? NBD. JK I’m actually super stressed. I’ve never worked with pork or long pig before.” She forced herself to laugh a little. “How have I never worked with pork before? Pork chops are supposed to have eyes, right?” Kelsey was thirty-four.

“I may be bleeding a lot, but I ain’t out yet,” said Hank, struggling to speak. “I’m making deconstructed bacon.” He coughed. “That’s man food for all you at home.”

“I’m making deconstructed sausage.” Victor said. “I accidentally cut myself with the knife and some of my blood got in there, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal, you know, considering-”

A producer ran up to him and whispered in his ear, “Hey, I know this is short notice, but we’re sponsored by Crest. We’re gonna need you to integrate this into the dish.” He handed him a tube of toothpaste and left as quickly as he came.

“Uh,” said Victor

“This is a disaster,” said Jenny.

Kelsey banged her hand on the station and loudly said “Is it, Jenny? Is it a disaster? Is it a disaster like, like, everything else that you always say is a disaster?”

“Yes. I forgot to bring my cuts of meat back with me,” Jenny said.

“Oh, okay.” said Kelsey. She went back to cooking.

Louise had just finished rubbing salt onto her cuts of meat when she began to feel more and more nauseous. “I can’t do this,” she said and she threw up all over her station and her meat.

Then Dan started walking around and looking at everybody’s progress. He walked up to Victor and asked him, “What’s this and what are you using to make it?”

“I’m making deconstructed sausage and I’m using Kevin’s intestines and-”

“I’m sorry. You’re using what intestines?”

“Kevin’s, the featured-”

“Kevin the human being?”

“Uh. Well, yes.” Victor was confused.

Dan’s voice began to rise. “You’re cooking a human being? That is f**king disgusting.”

“But you knew about it. You were just over there talking about-”

Dan started to yell. “No wonder you’re the f**king villain this season. You’re cooking a human being and you’re disrespecting me, Dan f**king Stevenson.” He pointed to his own forehead. “Have you ever seen this many f**king forehead wrinkles? You’re disrespecting a man with more forehead wrinkles than you can even f**king count.”

There was an uncomfortable silence, then Victor said “Wait. I’m the villain?”

A producer came over and whispered in his ear. “So far, each of the other contestants has said something in confessionals that, in the right context, could be construed as negative about you and you’ve said things in confessionals that, in the right context, could be construed as negative about each of them.”

The other contestants looked at each other. They all had assumed that, if anyone was the villain, it was Hank.

Meanwhile, Hank, having lost a lot of blood, was struggling to finish his deconstructed bacon without falling over. “Just need to…” He dumped the separated fat and rind from the pan onto a plate. “There.” He passed out.

Mary was the only one besides the cameraman who saw this happen. Having determined that the ribs did not have enough meat on them, she had been trying to think of something else to add to the dish. When she was sure no one was looking, she approached Hank with a chef’s knife. After stomping on his head and kicking him a few times to make sure that he wouldn’t wake up, she pulled up his left pant leg and started cutting off his calf. A cameraman turned towards her just in time to capture all of this, but the clip didn’t make it to air. The producers wanted her to remain a likable character.

Louise had been curled up in the fetal position on the floor since she threw up. Finally, she got up and said, “I have to go. I have to leave,” and started to walk away. She heard someone walking towards her. A producer grabbed her arm and whispered in her ear, “You signed a contract.”

“I don’t care.”

“You’re on a ship in the middle of the ocean. Where do you think you’re going to go?”

She curled up in the fetal position on the floor again.

A few minutes later, the time was up. “All right, chefs, let’s see what you’ve got,” said Dan.

The judges all sat down at the table. From left to right, the order was Dan Stevenson, Less Famous Chef #1, Less Famous Chef #2, and Isabella Schell. The first person to submit his dish was Victor. “I made deconstructed sausa-”

“Made from Kevin, you sick f**k,” said Dan.

“Well everybody made stuff from-” Victor began.

“Shut up.” Dan grabbed the dish out of his hands.

Victor, hoping to stop being presented as the villain, decided not to say anything back to him.

After sampling the dish, Dan said, “Is this toothpaste?” A producer whispered something in his ear. “Because it’s delicious,” Dan continued. “I love Crest Complete Whitening Plus Scope. That being said, the rest of the dish is terrible.”

He passed the dish on to LFC#1, who ate everything on the plate and yelled “This is the best food I’ve ever had.”

“Wait, but we-” LFC#2 started.

“It’s fine,” Isabella said. “I just ate and I don’t actually know anything about food. I just know how to host.”

Next, Kelsey was called up to submit her dish. “I made deconstructed pork chops.”

Dan sampled the dish. “It’s very nice,” he said. “The eyes add an interesting taste and texture that I don’t think I’ve ever had in a pork chop, before. But I’m a little disappointed at the lack of hashtags and emojis. That’s what you kids like, right?”

“Yes,” Kelsey replied.

He passed the plate along to LFC#1, who ate the whole thing and yelled, “This is the best food I’ve ever had.”

After that, Jenny was called up. “I forgot to make something,” she said.

“That’s fine, we just won’t consider eliminating you,” said Dan.

“This isn’t a disaster.”

LFC#2 and LFC#1 looked at each other. LFC#2 was confused and frustrated by Dan’s decision and LFC#1 was sad that there would be one less dish to eat.

Mary was called up next. “I made deconstructed ribs,” she said, “just like my parents used to love.”

“What’s this extra meat?” Dan asked, pointing to Hank’s calf-meat.

“Just a little something special my parents used to make for me,” she said. Her parents never made her human calf-meat.

Dan sampled the dish and said, “This may be the best dish you’ve made so far. You’ve really come back strong after last week’s disappointment.”

LFC#1 grabbed the dish, ate everything on it and yelled, “This is the best food I’ve ever had.”

Next, it was Hank’s turn, but he was dead, so an intern dragged his body up to the judges’ table, presented his dish and said, “It looks like deconstructed bacon.”

Dan sampled it and, addressing Hank’s corpse, said, “It’s very simple, basic, even, but there is something to it that can’t be denied.”

LFC#1 grabbed everything off the plate, shoved it into his mouth and, with his mouth full, said, “This is the best food I’ve ever had.”

The intern dragged Hank’s body back to the cooking station

Finally, it was time for Louise to present her dish. She was no longer in the fetal position, crying. Now, she was lying on her back, looking at the ceiling. She didn’t care that Kevin was dead anymore. She didn’t care that they were assigned to cook him. She didn’t care that she had sliced into his neck and ruined one of her favorite childhood dishes for herself. She had lost all feeling and all desire for anything. The fifth time her name was called, she stood up and, with an expressionless face, scraped the raw meat and vomit onto a plate. She walked up to the judges and dropped the dish onto the table in front of Dan, causing some of the vomit to splash onto both of them.

“What is this?” Dan asked.

“Neck-meat and throw up,” Louise said.

Dan looked at her for a bit and said, “Tell me, if most of the food on my plate is already digested, why should I put in the effort to digest it myself?”

Louise shrugged.

LFC#1 grabbed the plate, ate the meat, licked the vomit off, and yelled, “This is the best food I’ve ever had.”

After Louise walked back to her station, the next segment began. It was the part where the judges talked about which two contestants should be considered for elimination and the contestants pretended not to hear them. Although the other judges were allowed to name candidates, it was Dan and the producers that ultimately decided who wouldn’t make it to next week.

“Louise and Victor, definitely,” Dan said. “One of them threw up and one of them cooked a human being.”

“Well, every contestant cooked a human being,” LFC#2 said. Dan looked at him and bared his teeth, but he continued anyway. “And I think Jenny should be considered too.”

“Why’s that?” asked Dan in a more aggressive tone than usual.

“She didn’t even hand in a dish,” said LFC#2, slightly surprised at Dan’s response.

LFC#1 nodded in agreement, but Dan didn’t see it.

Dan looked at the table took a deep breath and then looked at the two other judges. “Tell me, excluding the numbers, what’s the name you both share?”

LFC#1 was silent. LFC#2 hesitated, and then said “Less Famous Chef?”

“That’s right,” Dan said, “and who was the one who made both of you change your names in exchange for the privilege of being a judge on this show with me?”

“You did.” LFC#2 said.

“And out of all of us at this table, who gets the biggest paycheck? Not only the one with the highest number on it, but physically the largest?”

“You do.” LFC#2 said.

“Why is it that I was allowed to demand that both of you have your names legally changed? Why was I allowed to demand the largest amount of money? Why was I allowed to demand that the means by which I get that money be so big that it takes both of you and eight interns to carry it into the bank for me?” His voice was growing louder. “Why was I allowed to demand that you not use vehicles or animals when delivering the check, but have to walk all the way from the dock to the bank on foot?” He was practically screaming now. “Why on God’s green s**tstained c*mbucket called Earth was I allowed to demand that ten additional interns pull me in a chariot alongside the check to make sure that nothing goes wrong and that if something does go wrong, that whichever of you f**kers is at fault be stoned half to death and have your pay reduced by a third and have that amount be added to my next paycheck? Why was I allowed to demand so many f**king interns? Why do I have more wrinkles on my forehead than you? Why am I so much more important than you?” After a brief silence, he screamed, “They’re not f**king trick questions. All of them have the same simple f**king answer.”

“Because you’re the most famous,” LFC#2 half-whispered, avoiding eye contact.

“And so who should get to choose who gets eliminated and who stays?”

LFC#2 looked at the ground. He knew the producers had final say, but wishing to avoid further conflict and name-changes, said “You…”

Dan yelled as loud as he ever had before, “You’re G*ddamn, motherf**king, weasel-c*cksucking, Tyrannosaurus-s**t-eating right. We can’t negatively judge a dish we haven’t even f**king eaten can we? What the f**k kind of judging is that?” His voice returned to normal volume and he looked at LFC#1, who was cowering under the table, and he patted him on the back. “Sorry if I scared you, Less Famous Chef #1. That was directed at Less Famous Chef #2. You’ve been a good boy. You can come out.”

LFC#2 chose not to bring up the fact that Dan had negatively judged Louise’s dish without eating it.

The surviving contestants, excluding Louise, shuffled uncomfortably.

All of that made it to air.

Dan said, “Louise, Victor, get over here.”

They did as they were told

The four judges looked at each other, then Dan looked at Victor. “Victor,” he said, “you’re-”

He stopped when a producer ran up and whispered in his ear, “Wait until the last few episodes, we need a villain.”

“-not eliminated. Louise is. Please lay down your Kitchenaid Classic Nylon Slotted Turner, Louise.”

Louise walked up to the table and dropped the spatula on it, then turned and walked out of the kitchen, narrowly avoiding the banana peel left by Mary. At this point in the broadcast, the credits rolled.

“Next Week on Best Chef USA”

“This is the second week in a row that someone has not handed in a dish,” Dan said.

The camera panned to Hank’s decaying corpse.

The screen then cut to Jenny and Mary standing in front of the judges’ table.

“Jenny,” Dan said, “You’ve been eliminated. Please lay down your Kitchenaid Classic Nylon Slotted Turner.”

“This is a disaster.”

0 notes

keepyourpantsongohan · 7 years ago

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Ayesha Liveblogs Magi: Kingdom of Magic

It’s been like a minute and already this show has escalated so much more than it’s predecessor good lord

What kind of an ominous note to start this peppy intro song on

“Tonight we shall celebrate that triumph” Sinbad loves any excuse for a feast

Lmao @ Jafar just lurking around waiting to let Ka Kaboun have it

“Jafar, have I become devious?” said Sinbad, after doing a series of devious things all in succession

Oh my god Alibaba gave Kogyoku a flower crown that’s adorable

“I never thought anyone would make a move on a woman before me. Aladdin, you are a true Magi” SINBAD PLS

Take a shot every time someone pauses to relive tragic memories

I don’t want to accuse Sinbad of doing this on purpose but I kinda think he exposed Dunya to the dark magic on purpose

OH MY GOD THEY’RE HAVING A SLEEPOVER I LOVE IT

I deeply appreciate Alibaba’s sleepwear and that he removes his earrings

“My, what a charming sight you are” Kogyoku’s a little crazy but I dig it

Poor Jafar he is very concerned about Sinbad and I share the concern tbh

Oh no is Dunya dying iS THAT WHAT DAY OF DEPARTURE MEANS

“I wanted you to know all about it, about my true feelings” is this tragic backstory exchange also a romantic confession?

“I really envy you,” said Morgiana, immediately after Hakuryu told her that his entire family had been murdered

I don’t care who gets together with whom but I want one of these youths to take advantage of these romantic sunsets and flowers and fall in love like give me something to hope for in this society of imminent sadness

Oh shit they’re both royals of low birth I love it!!! Bond my peeps

“You must become my friend forever” I LOVE KOGYOKU AND ALIBABA

Yamuraiha is Aladdin’s mom now sorry I don’t make the rules

OH MY GOD HAKURYU’S GOT PINK RUKH CAUSE HE’S IN LOVE!!!

Lmao @ Aladdin outing Hakuryu’s crush to everyone around them

“I pray that you’ll have a good and safe journey” “Who are you?” Poor Spartos getting called out for his lack of screen time

IS ALIBABA GOING TO STOW AWAY I BET HE’S A STOWAWAY

Update from 10 seconds later: I KNEW IT

Poor Alibaba he was so set for his dramatic reveal but he fucked up

“But now that I’ve known him for a long time, there are a few odd things that I’ve noticed about him” Lmao they know he’s listening

Alibaba do you really think they can’t hear you shouting in the room beside them

I think Hakuyru and Alibaba are going to become romantic/battle rivals

“Next time I’ll do my part!” “Can you handle it?” boys pls

Who is this twelve year old magical pirate with a cyclops baby

Pretty unfair to refer to the people who own the ship as “intruders”

Guess these punk ass kids chose the wrong ship to attack

“I’m a mother to all of the miserable children in this world” I bet she’s eating them or smth

As soon as they mentioned the cliffs I knew Morgiana would be tossing her boys into the air khgdjhjkdhgk

I fucking love when Morgiana goes wild and destroys everything

Hard for Hakuryu to relate to all these parental memories when he grew up without any

Ohm Madura’s magical power: inducing mommy issues

“That means that though physically they’re children, mentally they’re actually mature�� poverty, slavery and abandonment will do that

Omg does this mean that Hakuryu is actually the least mature of all of these children poor guy

Update from next episode: “That one seems to be the only one among them that’s still a child” oh Hakuryu

Well I guess that answers the question of whether Hakuryu can djinn equip

Judging purely on the theme song Hakuryu is not going to become a main character and that makes me sad because I’ve grown attached to him

MY GOD HAKURYU CHILL THE FUCK OUT YOU JUST MURDERED A WOMAN IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF CHILDREN

“My mission is to kill my own mother” what a trope reversal instead of a Dead Mom he’s got a Murder Mom

“There’s no reason to grieve... after all none of you were ever loved in the first place” damn Hakuryu quit taking your issues out on the children

I did not think this romantic confession was coming on so quickly oh my

“That’s why I want to marry you” you’re like seventeen get it together

Lmao @ Morgiana and Hakuryu kissing with their eyes wide open

Take a shot every time Alibaba cries for his enemies I love him so much it’s like his philosophy is ‘if the mood is vengeful burst into tears’

“You’re different than King Sinbad... in what way I’m not sure” why do they keep alluding to Evil!Sinbad I’m not about this

“Isn’t there any way to put your vengeance behind you and finally be free?” Damn so he’s not just Arabian Zuko he’s also Arabian Sasuke

I want for Hakuryu to be happy but I can only imagine Morgiana is going to end up with Alibaba which isn’t bad it’s just sad for him

“Stamina is your only redeeming quality” how rude, Alibaba

Sfhkdjhgfkjghfdkhg these flashes showing that Hakuryu is loyal af and Alibaba is a hoe are hilarious

Alibaba has no idea how to coordinate jewelry lmao

Why is everyone from the Kou empire so goddamn crazy good lord

Take a shot every time someone under the age of 15 witnesses a murder

“I want you to mess me up too” Kinkshame Kouha’s consorts

Me @ Aladdin collapsing after a single pull-up: .... same

Sphinctus: Pay! Attention! To! Me!

ALADDIN FELL ASLEEP DURING SOMEONE’S TRAGIC BACKSTORY... TWICE

“Thank you... Instructor’s Boobs” what on earth is this show honestly

“When you guys first got here, you were just a bunch of ignorant losers. But not anymore... Today, you guys are self-aware losers” ..... same

Alibaba just fucking ends up passed out in the streets when left to his own devices my darling disaster

This fight is lit I love my boy battling in the middle of a casino lmao

Is this meant to imply that Cassim bestowed his magoi onto Alibaba as he died like what kind of loyalty does this boy inspire 10/10 world’s Best Boy

Why are all these people so messed up there’s a death chant like every few episodes

“Are you alright?” he said, after watching Alibaba almost die several times and not doing a damn thing

I can’t wait for Alibaba to take back Balbaad

Morgianna should really have more questions about the mysterious all-knowing stranger in the cave willing to take her on a one-way trip across the void

So I take it that these past six months have not gone well for Hakuryu

“there can only be one ruler, not just for this country, but for the world” like a minute of screen time and Kouen’s already talking world domination

“From father to son just like that” this family circle is way too close these kids are siblings and also cousins now the mom seems to be hitting on her son it’s all very yikes

Is Hakuyru seriously supporting his mom’s bid for the throne just so he can depose her what a mess

I’m loving all of Hakuryu’s dramatic actions being accompanied by lightning

This dude looks almost exactly like Sheherazade how many magi are at this school exactly

“[...] Will be granted the honour of second-class citizenship” oh Aladdin

“You and I are cut from the same cloth that’s a very special thing” okay Anime Malfoy I wonder how this exchange with the equality-minded protagonist is going to go

“I thought for sure you were a girl under there” I’ll admit it, that’s not how I thought this exchange was going to go

Whoops I guess when you’re dependent on a thin piece of cloth to hide your biggest secret things might not go in your favour during battles

“One of the four magis who is not supposed to exist” wait what homie

“The magi and I have reached an accord” Titus has known Aladdin’s secret for one (1) night and already he’s dropping it in casual conversation

“Back home the engine that drives industry is the accepted use of forced labour” these call-outs are near constant

Titus highkey adores cats and babies and I appreciate it

Omg Titus just called his employer just to tell her about his amazing day meowing at cats I love him

Damn I should’ve known something like this would be going on I was sort of just expecting run of the mill corruption and abuse not using-people’s-lifeforce-to-power-their-lifestyles

“Oh yes, yes it would” Titus has known this girl for five minutes and he’s already ready to adopt her

Titus decided to liberate 200,000 people from enslavement even though his mission is to study them bless him

“You came here to study, not be a freedom fighter” but he wants 2 do both

Aladdin’s ready to fight at the slightest provocation and like same

Your narrative of overthrowing oppression is really undermined by referring to the masses in the same way you claim that other nobility referred to you

“The breed possessing sharper intelligence and higher reasoning should control those who don’t” so it’s not only a fascist state it’s also proposing eugenics we’ve reached full on wizard nazis

“I’m so happy for you Titus” why does Mogamett ruin every happy moment by being gross

How is Titus planning on continuing his studies while he raises a six-year-old full-time are there nannies in this school

“We will be together forever, I give you my promise” well now I’m worried that Marga’s gonna die

I’m guessing Titus is some kind of copy of Sheherazade not meant to be permanent so that’s why he’s not meant to last

“I don’t want my life to end yet” I’m guessing Titus is about to make a mistake

“No matter who he is, no human must ever be granted the powers of a king” now would be a good time to cut to Alibaba

[Donald T/rump voice] Make the Empire Magic Again

Call me crazy but I’m guessing the handsome one is the person they’re going to focus on as a potential king

Things have escalated really quickly like four episodes ago they were having fun times in the market and now they’re at war

I’m guessing the ominous prologue is about to come to fruition

“Ours is not a society built on oppression,” he said, while literally standing on ground built above the bodies of indentured labourers

Sheherazade is defeating her enemies through science what a plot twist

Are these two just having an ongoing magical phone call while their armies attack each other

Don’t get me wrong I want to know where this plot goes but I also want to see Alibaba’s training montage and see what Morgiana decided

“You’re an abomination that should never have been born in the first place” Mu is defeating Titus by blows to the self-esteem

Aladdin’s trying to stop a war single-handedly bless his heart

“I never thought about just asking them nicely” Aladdin <333333333

Why is Mu’s djinn equip the only one which changes the user’s ethnicity

“He’s my friend, my best friend” ALIBABA MY LOVE IS HERE AND MY BABIES ARE ACKNOWLEDGING THEIR BOND

What a weird tone for these armistice talks. On a boat during a beautiful sunset with a bunch of teenage boys

Is Sheherazade the only Magi that can reproduce because she’s a lady

I LOVE THIS TROPE OF GIVING A HEAD BOP EVERY TIME SOMEONE TRIES TO STUBBORNLY TAKE ON ALL THEIR OWN BURDENS

“I acted as if you were a just a toy for me to play with, but I knew no other way to express my love for you” that’s no excuse for bad parenting Sheherazade

Mogamett needs to chill the fuck out good lord

“My fall into depravity is guaranteed” I mean same but calm down

Alibaba during literally every battle: How can I make this about Cassim

“I’ve had my fill of heartbreakers” Slutshame metal vessel users

Look at my fancy boy with his pants on fire good for Alibaba

I think this is the first time Alibaba has referred to himself as a Prince of Balbaad since its fall

“She is much more of an adult than I will ever be” TITUS DON’T DO IT

“Mr. Director, sir, you shall always have my respect,” said Titus, while speaking to a man who is operating a weapon of mass destruction against hundreds of thousands of people using human lives

OH NO TITUS WHY HE DOESN’T DESERVE THAT I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE WHERE HE WAS UNTIL I SAW HIS EARRING

EVERYTHING HAPPENS SO MUCH HOW ARE THEY GOING TO RESOLVE ALL OF THIS IN ONE EPISODE

“Just like Sinbad... I have a feeling he’s someone else that I shouldn’t be secrets to” has Sinbad really done anything yet other than give people the heebie jeebies

“YOU GIVE ME BACK MY SON” ME TOO SHEHERAZADE

I fucking love this “Alibaba dear” my royal buddies Kogyoku and Alibaba

Sidenote: In Japanese she calls him “Alibaba-chan” which is for friends/babies/lovers and Alibaba is all three tbh

I deeply relate to Kouen’s lack of impulse control/regard for his own life

“Die you wastes of space”... maybe not

“What he’s saying now is, ‘The way things are now, I’m unable to have my way with those wards. And so, as you also own a fire djinn, Lord Alibaba, I’d like you to please lend me a hand.’ Those are the exact words Lord Kouen just spoke to him.” HAKUEI PLEASE HE’S STOMPING ALIBABA INTO A VOLCANO

I already love Kouen and Alibaba’s relationship like combo attacks are my shit

Kouen’s concerned about his djinn equip even though he’s clearly lost a few layers of flesh where are your priorities my dude

I love these crazy ass siblings dedicated to saving the world together

“Why isn’t Hakuryu here?” he’s probably doing something devious

“I too was there, and served [King Solomon] as well”.... WHAT

If she’s a being of only thought how did she have like ten kids

Sinbad coming in with the cavalry ayyyyyyyyyyyy how’s it going my mysterious friend

Morgiana comes to the rescue my gal and

“However, if you’re an uninvited guest forcing yourself upon our world, we’ll eliminate you” Sinbad always says such honourable things it’s very confusing with all the devious coding he’s been getting

Sheherzade coming to perform some deus ex magica

There’s Hakuyru come to fuck up his life he’s got like half an an episode to make a mess let’s see how much he can accomplish in that time

“This man, he kidnapped me from the royal palace and raised me as his own [...] but I was never anything but happy” even the nice things that Mogamett does are sort of evil lmao

Why doesn’t poor Titus even get a line in all this peace-making

Knowing from my friend that Hakuryu is going to do something after all this plot resolution is making me real tense

“Now that their common enemy is gone” IS HAKURYU GOING TO BECOME THEIR COMMON ENEMY

“The alliance will spare no effort towards the rebuilding Magnoshuttat” Sinbad’s deviousness is finally coming to fruition

OH MY GOD TITUS IS BACK AND HE’S A MAGI I LOVE IT

“I have chosen to forever turn my back on you” why are you like this Hakuryu

Alibaba’s ‘my friends are idiots’ senses are tingling but I guess it’s not time for him to go full Naruto to Hakuryu’s full Sasuke yet

#ayesha liveblogs magi #ayesha talks anime #liveblogging

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