#but i’m not necessarily upset about it
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can’t tell if i’m falling out of love for writing fanfic or if i’ve just been super stressed out lately ahaha
#z.cries#only time will tell#i think partly watching my fics getting no feedback aside from a few#people also maybe just doesn’t give me the encouragement to write much anymore#but i’m prolly not done writing just need a break#should i go on hiatus? idck#idfk**#anyway this was an odd vent post??#but i’m not necessarily upset about it#just an observation i made tbh#i’m in a great mood today and part of that is bc i havent been online#too many stressors online lately and its nice to disconnect from that a lot of times#uhm anyway if u read all that congrats and ty#i smooch u mwah 💋
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it is so vitally important to me that aziraphale and crowley not only love each other but choose to love each other.
i don’t want it to be fate. i don’t want it to be god’s will. i want it to be a conscious and continuous choice.
i want aziraphale choosing every day of his goddamn existence to love crowley and all that he is. i want aziraphale choosing to love crowley not in spite of being a demon, but because he is a demon. i want aziraphale choosing to love crowley’s curiosity and creative wonder. i want aziraphale choosing to love crowley’s love of plants and gardening.
i want crowley choosing to love aziraphale’s passion for books. i want crowley choosing to love aziraphale’s desire to do things the human way even if he could just miracle it. i want crowley choosing to love aziraphale’s angel-ness because it is a fundamental part of him.
i want aziraphale choosing to love everything about crowley and vise versa. and i want it to be a very conscious and intentional choice.
it being fate negates the entire point of the story. good omens is a love story between an angel and a demon, yes. but that’s not all that it is. it’s a story about two occult/ethereal beings who choose humanity over the great plan. two beings who choose the world over armageddon. and they make those choices because despite it all they have chosen to fall in love with the world and with humanity.
it only makes sense that they choose each other. that they choose their love. it being fate or god’s will ruins the foundational pillar of their relationship. that they choose each other over and over and over again. year after year, century after century, time and time again. they always choose. they choose the arrangement, they choose saving the other from harm, they choose lying to protect the other.
it is always a choice. and it better stay a choice or i am going to be so devastated.
#look i’m good with most anything for s3#as long as they end up in the south downs & hug at least once i will be happy#but this is one thing that isn’t necessarily a need but more like a deep rooted desire that will break me if not met#like if it’s all ‘haha this was god’s plan all along’ i will be so upset#disappointed even#because neil can do better than that#he’s a better writer than that#not to mention it makes absolutely no sense in the context of the story#like i understand how it’s fun to play around with ‘they were made for each other’#but i really want them to choose each other despite everything#because if i’m being honest it’s one of the things about aziracrow that feels fundamentally queer#to say ‘yeah fuck that’ to what the systems in power tell you you should act like#or who you should love and care for#and instead say ‘i choose this’ ‘i choose you’ to the people and things that actually fulfill you#that is powerful and that is foundational to queerness and queer liberation in my opinion#it’s not about fate or being made for whatever#it’s saying ‘i don’t care if it’s fate or the divine plan or not. it just is and you can’t change the fact that it simply /is/.’#and maybe that’s just me#but it sure as hell makes sense in my mind#good omens#aziracrow#ineffable husbands#crowley#aziraphale#good omens 2#ineffable wives#neil gaiman#good omens meta#aziracrow meta#gomens meta
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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i forget how stupid genshin was sometimes with making really really important lore and character things kept to limited events. so if you miss them bc you’re a newer player or just wasn’t playing at the time you just cannot experience them. like. what are you doing.
#mono’s stuff#watching a scaramouche video so like. the event he appears in is the main one i’m referencing#but like iirc wasn’t all of albedo’s REALLY important lore stuck to the christmas events?????? LIKE????? HELLO#like i can understand limiting weapons and shit to limited time events. not necessarily happy about it but i get ut#but??? you’re just gonna??? never let newer players see moments that were both really fun but also really important to your characters?????#IM STILL SO FUCKING UPSET I WASN’T THERE FOR THE FIRST LANTERN RITE ALSO. IM SO SAD
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i wish i could draw again. It’s strange to loose what i loved for my whole life
#sorry to complain about this a millionth time…. it’s odd#it’s a chore to me. for so very long now.. and i feel so deeply unsettled and upset by this.#Joy is found in enjoying things but this hasn’t been one of them in almost 2 years now. i’m still thinking that this is#because methods of sharing art are scattered now.#i don’t .. want to post in a discord server where it gets burried#i don’t want to post on twitter where i fight for it#or on tumblr where it’s hard to tag anything unique or self made#fur affinity is close to deviantart but it’s all artists looking for commissions ( very valid#but i miss the communication and comments ..)#deviantart is a joke and i hate insta/tiktok… ect…#maybe that’s it… no reason to draw in my mind cause no one will see it#sorry. i really don’t think my art is Bad necessarily and i appreciate evryone thats ever liked it!#but it’s just. hard#In General…?#speak#oh well… here’s to hoping
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there’s a certain flavor of conservative thought where people start to get mad about Accents Existing that i always find truly bizarre
#so-called english language purists living in the american midwest. like grow up#to be clear i don’t necessarily mean political conservative although there may be some correlation#i just mean like. people who are soo staunchly against the idea of language changing#and that expands to people saying things differently#i’m sorry i brought it up bc my coworker today started trying to drag people who say like. grossery and cyoupon#i’m still thinking about it tbh. why does that upset you so much lol#it’s also i feel like. very telling that she thought the Southern Affectations were cute#idk if it’s unique to michigan but i’ve encountered SO many people who like to cosplay as texans or tennesseeans#(i’m sorry idk if there’s a different word for that)#or like. another coworker making fun of another guy who is from hawaii and pronounces it differently than she does#my parents and i got it a bit when i was growing up too bc they’re from philly and i picked some of that up#like yknow. the way my name is pronounced lmao. it’s always wild the way people just don’t register or care that it’s said differently#i’ve given up caring bc i got made fun of enough as a kid. it’s whatever at this point like i guess it is just an accent#but i’m getting off topic lmao#mine
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Feeling INTENSELY jealous of my suitemate right now bc her parents are literally helping her look for flights to visit this boy she’s been talking to for a month while I can’t even tell my folks I’ll be crashing at home to see a show because I know it will be a Thing 😑
#I’ve truly just got to suck it up and stand my ground but I wiiiiish it didn’t have to be A Thing EVERY time I decide +#to do something Independent and Adult#piercing my septum dyeing my hair like neither of those got me in “”trouble”” bc I’m an adult n tbf they do more or less recognize that#but it’s a thing every time! They get upset they still emotionally hold me like I’m 16 so it’s jarring for them when I do stuff they don’t#necessarily like (for me) or agree with (for me). 🫥#I literally just want to spend one night at home after seeing a silly gay comedy show so I don’t have to drive back to school at 2am#I don’t wanna answer a million questions about it#also it’s my money 😭 guys I’m not asking you to book a flight for me PLEASE!!#💌
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#nonbinary#(saved this bc the first tweet op posted felt mean and made me uncomfortable)#but I still wanted to vent about this because what is restraint and boundaries online amirite#so here we go again:#I feel uncomfortable being called my irl name everywhere except at work and I feel like that’s bc the worksona i crafted#is so irontight that I’m fine being a Lady there but it low-key rankles me anywhere else#idk if that’s a gender thing or just a case of apathy and extreme alienation from myself though#I’d rather die than ever talk to my co-workers about other pronouns or anything though bc the gossip would spread throughout work within-#the hour. and it’s not like people would be really awkward about it (I hope) because I think I’m generally liked by my coworkers. but I’d#hate to be pitied or misunderstood. and it’s not like i have dysphoria or anything so I don’t personally feel justified in calling myself#trans. I’m just alienated from womanhood. but that could also be because i don’t have an interest in most socially-expected ‘woman things’#and bc I’m not mentally well or het. and that inherently separates you from the expected Girl Experience.#this is really rambly and nonsensical okay I guess if I really thought about it I’d love to be called Krill by everyone because it has less#baggage and feels more like me. but i’m not necessarily upset at being called my RL name. I don’t have dysphoria I just have mild ick.#like I’d prefer being considered a They and not being expected to be any gender at all. but it doesn’t kill me inside y’know#it’s fine.#if you read through this weird personal ramble then thanks ig?
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i really do love being home for break but the problem is that i don’t love anything but being with my sister and friends . so when that isn’t happening it feels so meaningless i’m just sitting on the couch at my moms house in a town i hate feeling like shit and missing my apartment and city . also something i’m learning is that i am INCAPABLE of operating on somebody else’s time like it’s really bad . it’s not just me being a control freak tho ofc that’s part of it the issue is mostly just that i can’t stand now knowing exactly what’s going on and i can’t focus and it ruins my mood . and everybody else is like yay vacation !! break!! we don’t need to plan we can just do whatever :)) and i’m trying not to be the annoying anal person so i’m like haha yeah :) *internally pulling my hair out and screaming* i miss my life on my own i miss my structure i miss not having to answer to anybody else . like i really don’t bc it’s so lonely but at least it’s not stressful to the point of me feeling like i’m on a battlefield
#also knowing i’m just gonna have to leave everybody again really hurts#and living with that ticking clock makes me really wanna maximize every second and know exactly what’s going on even more#but nobody else feels that way . at least not the extent that i do#so i feel like i’m ruining the vibe a lot so i really try not to show how stressed ‘vacation mode’ makes me#but . sometimes i just can’t hide it esp from people who know me so well#and they know this and try to be accommodating but i feel like nobody really gets it#so it’s not necessarily anybody’s fault i just feel like i’m wired so differently and not made for this life#and i hate making other people feel bad bc i’m feeling bad . but i’m literally in a constant state of stress to varying degrees for 4 weeks#straight#and it’s badddd#and then i feel like shit bc i’m wasting my limited time being upset about nothing#and then i’m more upset and the thing is just a spiral . i hate myself sm sometiems#like i really just need to get OVER IT
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it's rare but yeah you can still get hate in ao3 unfortunately ☹️ most of them are very entitled readers who don't even write
ya it kinda just took me off guard but!! such is life and the comment itself still is lowkey confusing to me but we live 🫡
#anon#mail#it was j super weird to read that comment bc they were also upset i used gender neutral pronouns?#but the fic in question was like. not one that necessarily depended on the reader’s pronouns or whatever idk i’m tired rn#and i went back to read the fic and idk what they’re talking about so i’ve simply moved on i have more pressing things to worry about lol
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i’m gonna blow my brothers up with my brain
#personal#i’m planning my dads funeral and going over costs with my brothers since we’re all paying for it#and my brother was like hey this is depressing can we stop talking about it for a few days#and he amended that he meant the money aspect not necessarily the planning#but in the moment i have never been more insulted like#okay. so it’s too depressing to talk about but it’s fine to leave me alone to plan it and still care for dad#like i’m not trying to dictate his grief or pull the i have it worse card#but for gods sake have some fucking perspective#so i say okay and leave it at that bc i don’t want to yell at anyone#and he’s not not trying to come at you but#he’s like*#and i’m like i don’t want to be mean but the above i’ll stop talking about this but please keep some perspective#and they both got butt hurt about it#and it’s like i’m not upset about the money - although thank you guys for the taking care of that now#i don’t know if i’m speaking fucking french i’m only asking you guys keep some perspective#i got really upset and was like guys you’re barely involed as is. i’m not asking you to wipe his ass with me but just AHHHHH#and i even said i can’t dictate ur grief and my other eldest brother said something like#i don’t even know it was so not related to the convo i was lost but now i have no idea if he’s gonna visit dad#which at this point don’t care never see ur father again i don’t know man#and the other one got mad bc he’s been helping financially and emotionally with my mom so i apologized for that one#which is fair that was out of line a bit but also it’s like i say a mean comment you guys actively ignore me asking for support for months#like. still bad on my side but i’m very bitter and am going low contact after this
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Can you tell me what rodman did why some ppl hate her?
i keep forgetting what their reasons are exactly but i think i recall that apparently her boyfriend sucks, and maybe the nepo baby argument?
#idk anything about her bf and whilst I don’t necessarily agree women should be blamed for their boyfriends behaviours or acts#I can see the point that if you’re dating someone like that then it may also be a reflection of you because you (clearly) tolerate it#and don’t consider it enough of a dealbreaker to not be together#I don’t remember what (if anything) he did though or if theyre still together etc#I remember it being a lot of christen press fans who didn’t like her and they were upset when she apparently took over as NWSL highest paid?#but again I don’t really remember all of the reasons and I’m not really the go to person for any info about people’s like personal lives etc#because I mostly just don’t really care and I’m only really that interested in the sport side#(unless it’s like something really significant and directly impactful obviously)
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My parents got rid of my cat. I didn’t realize until I had settled in from my 6 hour drive here and started looking around for him. I knew it was a possibility and was too afraid of the answer to even ask. He wasn’t the most affectionate, or cleanest, or best behaved, but he was my boy.
When I moved out to another state he stayed behind with them and has been here for years with their many other cats. He never traveled for minutes well, let alone hundreds of miles. I just hate I didn’t really get to say goodbye to him, I didn’t know my last visit with him was just that. I know he could be difficult, that’s why I couldn’t manage to keep him myself. That’s why I figure I can’t cast too much judgement on my family for Whatever they did. Life lately has been hard back home for my brother and parents, and another stressor wasn’t needed and not worth everyone else’s mental health for the sake of me resting easy over a cat I can’t keep myself.
I adopted him in some of the ugliest turmoil of my life, even if he didn’t realize it. Even when I didn’t have a home, I had Beef and Beef had me. Sometimes he only made things harder, but as flawed as he and I both were, I still managed to love him. He was an icon, despite it all he was beloved by many, and he won’t be forgotten. They won’t acknowledge that he’s gone to me, nobody has even said his name, but I think it all goes better unspoken at this point. I can imagine him out there living his bestest beefiest happiest fattest life where he’s comfy and pampered.
It’s hard to pin down if the tears I’m shedding are those of a selfish child, wishing others put in work just to keep Me content with the Concept of a happy cat in my hometown with my name attached, lamenting the fact that I could be or have been That selfish child, pure grief and mourning for a pet that’s gone, remorse for what I couldn’t be or hadn’t been, fear of the nebulous unknown for him, frustration with the way it’s all been handled, or some infinitely more nuanced thing combining all of this and more. Maybe sadness is about as all encompassing as it gets for this. Consider this my Beef memorial post. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead, in the woods, in a shelter, or already in a new home with someone loving him just the way he is, but I like to imagine whatever it is is nice to him and he remembers me fondly sometimes.
#tldr-my parents got rid of my cat and I’m upset but also I don’t Really blame them#Aut talks#beef#it’s just sad#it’s a sad situation#I’m not necessarily mad it’s just heavy#we’re about to go on a big vacation together this whole week and I don’t want to weighing on me#so here’s a big ol vent to get it out#so it’s not all stuck inside me#tw animal loss#tw animal death#I don’t know it’s animal death but like if that kinda thing triggers you then this won’t make you feel great#vent post#sorry for the wack vibe you don’t have to read
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the gall of some people- wait what’s a better word for gall I don’t like that one
#camera talks#sorry ANWYAYS. the Audacity of my coworker rn I’m like. actually laughing at her in my brain#I’m sorry but ‘I just feel like you aren’t helping out during the morning as much as I need you to be scam’#and ‘idk what you were doing the first 45 mins but when I asked you to help out and you kept doing sandwiches’#okay first off I set up Everything by myself this morning. coffee station. 3 tables. bread station. yogurts. fruit salad. the buffet#etc#half of which was supposed to be done last night but no one did itttt#secondly I told her ‘yeah let me finish this one sandwich and I’ll help out. because I already had sandwich gloves on so I wanted to finish#and gahhh it’s just so annoying. girl I did so fucking much this morning#breakfast wouldn’t be out without literally everything I did and youre asking me ‘oooh scam can I have some more help-#bc I don’t feel like you’re helping enough’ fuck off#she also mentioned she feels like I can’t hear her with one earbud in and Fuck That. I am not giving up my music at 6 in the morning#that’s the Only thing keeping me from kms on the commute so fuckkkk you#god whatever this probably seems super irrational but I’m just pissed that the assistant cook who gets paid way more than me#gets to ask me to do her job for her but I Cannot ask her to do dishes god Forbid#sorry guys I woke up at 4:30 and had to drive by 5:30 can you tell I got shitty sleep#also I have a dentist tomorrow Again and I don’t think that’s helping my emotions rn but alas. I’m at work so I can’t make a panic post#about the dentist Now that will have to wait#also no I’m not done yet cuz#also like yeah I’m aware this is real life adult shit that I’ll have to deal (shitty coworkers)#but it still sucks like. if I can think through my words and stuff to her and I’m ND and told I’m bad at social situations#(I don’t beleive that necessarily but no one cares so whatever)#then she can think about it and come to a reasonable thought as well and it just makes me upset#rahhh
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i got one of those fancy light alarms as a hand-me-down, and it’s really helping me fall asleep bc it dims over time! but now I’m consistently waking up with the sunrise
#the adas speak#which i’m not necessarily upset about. it’s interesting to me#humans are interesting
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While there is a good chance they just don’t see because I don’t reblog them, it is lowkey……. sad(?) that I dont get acknowledgement or thanks for majority of the analyses I do. I’d just like to know that the people who asked for things actually saw them and that the info is useful to them.
#rambles#let me clarify tho i am speaking purely about anons#NOT my mutuals#my mutuals always will get to things in their own time#i say sad(?) bc i’m not necessarily upset or bummed out i don’t get acknowledgement#maybe disappointed is a better word#manners are just lost in today’s society
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