#to do something Independent and Adult
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Feeling INTENSELY jealous of my suitemate right now bc her parents are literally helping her look for flights to visit this boy she’s been talking to for a month while I can’t even tell my folks I’ll be crashing at home to see a show because I know it will be a Thing 😑
#I’ve truly just got to suck it up and stand my ground but I wiiiiish it didn’t have to be A Thing EVERY time I decide +#to do something Independent and Adult#piercing my septum dyeing my hair like neither of those got me in “”trouble”” bc I’m an adult n tbf they do more or less recognize that#but it’s a thing every time! They get upset they still emotionally hold me like I’m 16 so it’s jarring for them when I do stuff they don’t#necessarily like (for me) or agree with (for me). 🫥#I literally just want to spend one night at home after seeing a silly gay comedy show so I don’t have to drive back to school at 2am#I don’t wanna answer a million questions about it#also it’s my money 😭 guys I’m not asking you to book a flight for me PLEASE!!#💌
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Obviously my violent intrusive OCD thoughts don’t represent my actual desires in any way, but I have found a lot of success lately by realizing that sometimes they may be a kind of escape attempt- hey, I really really am not enjoying this task or situation right now, my ADD brain is telling me I am actually going to die if I have to keep doing it… if I jumped off this building right now I would have a *dramatically different* problem to deal with, huh
At which point I can tell that part of myself, okay, I know this feels bad and scary right now, but you’re going to finish it and then I will take you out for a chocolate shake and then I will play video games with you. Jumping off the building will get you 0 shakes and video games.
And that actually gets my brain to calm down a lot more effectively than any mindfulness technique.
#bad brain blogging#this wasn’t something I could do before I became an independent adult#but now that I am I am trying to take full advantage of it#(used a more socially acceptable intrusive thought as an example but it works for the others too)
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one of my favorite senarios to imagine to put yukio in is sending him 10 years into the future (with the exwires usually) and everyone from their class are like chill adults including himself working their boring ass exorcist job and hes trying to assert dominance over them as the teacher™ but they're all like bro why so serious?
#somehow in my future au i accidently made only the boys active exorcists im so sorry to all the women in aoex#they all passed but i think shiemi and izumo would leave to persue other passions but still be in ajacent fields#like shiemi still runs her exorcist shop#idk what izumo does maybe she still is an exorcist but shes on leave trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life#cuz so much of her adolescence was focused vengence for her family i think she would be kinda lost as an adult#ive said this a bunch of times but rin isnt actually an exorcist for the same reason izumo isnt#ive been kinda muddy on my own timeline but either he passed and left or he dropped out of school and ran away#i think hes like an independent demon slayer like a contract worker#so he still is basically an exorcist but not sanctioned by the vatican like as part of a mercenary guild or something#but he can still take exorcist missions if he wants to but usually its not worth it so he just helps out yukio or bon on their missions#i think after being a literal terrorist yukio got demoted and lost his license for a bit so hes still the same rank as he is now#but now hes medicated and he went to therapy#he has like no memory of highschool to almost a concerning degree and hes generally pretty muted but is still well liked#bon had a completely normal exorcist experience against all odds actually so did koneko except koneko went back to the myoda#and then shima got scouted for his amazing spy skills and works overseas#sorry shima ur not allowed to be an idol that might be the trigger for the bad end#anyway i think teen yukio would hate adult yukio because he thinks hes not allowed to be normal and happy#this is like the 4th time ive made this post like i said its one of my favorites#the reverse is rin going to the past and like tutoring the exorcist class#nobody wants to do yukio psychoanalysis but me so i gotta step up to the plate#jk theres a lot of good yukio fanfics#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura
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had a conversation with my mother yesterday in which she was very clearly looking for reasons to be convinced I'm going to lose my job any minute (taking vacation time, spending too much time on performing arts, enrollment being down because of FAFSA issues, just being generally unsightly) and it really makes me feel like confirming her priors about education and Liberal Hypocrisy and nobody wanting to look at fat people is more important to her than my continued success and happiness in life
#sigh#she has spent my whole life telling me that everyone is out to take advantage of me#and that no one would ever want me around just for my own sake#except of course my immediate family#who generally do precisely nothing to make me feel that they don't find me gross and embarrassing and generally incompetent#(there's always a lot of 'well *i* don't think you're gross and useless and unbearable to be around but i know what other people think!'#anyway i am in a bad mood this morning exacerbated by the sidewalk between the parking garage and my workplace being blocked off for repair#ALSO LIKE#she has exactly the same kind of generalized anxiety i have#albeit expressed very differently#and also: everyone around her enables it#if she is worried about something?#it is EVERYONE'S PROBLEM#and because i struggled a lot in my twenties and thirties#this usually means i am everyone's problem#also she gets really offended when her adult children want to get away from the household and lead independent lives#which is why my sisters are her faves
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there will always b ppl who only follow me for dark hoping to get wooed that's just the nature of having a legendary middleschool sexyman for a muse but amongst my personal fav dynamics for him is a muse that is in fact way older maturity-wise forced to deal with his teenaged audacity
#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#how do i put this. hes canonically perpetually 16/17 he deserves to act like it#and people who can recognize it rather than treating him fully outright 'as an adult'#yeag#i say this doubly because so much of him really is just like.... troubled punk???#and any muse who actually digs and manages to get to know him a little#can have the sort of pity you're supposed to have for him as a chara#he might be a misshapen youth(tm) but he's not irredeemable he's just awkward and unfamiliar and thereby uncomfortable#with literally any sort of genuine intimacy or connection#outside of his immediate control. outside of the theatrics(tm)#he hides everything about himself most of the time he removes himself from happy pictures. he is a loud arrogant monster he is just a Boy#dark in particular is always at that awkward point of feeling like he's something stunted like he's too far gone#he's the one who feels like he's lost all his chances that other people deserve happiness but maybe not him#even if he still can't help but want it#but anyways this isn't just about him since i do think the kind of sigh-inducing behavior he gives to other muses#can be endearing in its own way. smth smth teenagers(tm)#older muses who can kind of recognize his behavior as something a little pitiful#as a defense mechanism that developed out of him just being so utterly alone and forced to be independent for his entire life#that's good........
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phone calls my detested
#i had to make a vet appointment and Wow i am not cut out for this whole independent adult thing lmfao#i had to write down a little script for myself...#i feel so bad for the receptionist i was stumbling and 'uhhhhh'ing my way through that call#fuck and when i was supposed to end the call. i didnt realize#I DONT KNOW THE PROTOCOL OKAY#do i hang up??? do i say bye??? she didnt say bye so was there something else i was supposed to say#she hung up so Yay but oughhhhhhh what the fuck#youre telling me people just Know how to carry a conversation? they just Know the routine? sounds fake#i had to rev myself up for the call too#put on a hat. put on sunglasses to trick my brain into thinking we're outside doing things thus fabricating confidence#phone in one hand fidget-dodecahedron in the other. Pacing#my brain is a normal brain that works perfectly fine thanks for asking#absolutely unprompted#i feel so connected to my neanderthal ancestors when i have to make a call#theyre being stalked by a smilodon... i have to talk to a person... same Fear <3#no but fr whenever i have to talk to someone my thought process shuts down Completely and i forget that im a living human being#fight or flight - neither. freeze and play dead#i think in my next life... i would like to be... a decorative plant#perhaps one of those tall ferns outside a seaside barbecue restaurant#i'd Win at that life. id be so good at photosynthesizing & rustling in the ocean breeze
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I'm being forced to visit my abusive grandma to deal with my childhood traumas and grow up as person(already ended crying and visiting the clinic because of that) so with that said
What is it to be an adult for you ? One of the expectations is for me to be able to become an adult since I will be 23 when I get back so...
I think you shouldn't need to confront your trauma Like That to grow up as a person tbh i'm no psychologist but it feels counterproductive. Abusive people should be put behind you, not at your side. Stay safe, and stay strong, bestie, i'll be keeping you in my thoughts🫂
As for me, being an adult is a subjective thing. I'm not sure? I think "responsibility". Having more of them, and being okay-ish at keeping the strings together. -ish, i emphasise. Nobody can keep all the strings together, but trying your best is part of it. You gain a bit more independence, but you end up losing a lot of that freedom you gain to responsibilities. But i'd still say adulthood comes with additional freedoms. I hope the expectations placed on you aren't some shit like "get a (good) job" or "become fully independent, financially and otherwise" bc for me that's awfully individualist and might not be feasible for every adult (like, a disabled adult might not be able to keep a job that is exhausting, whatever "exhausting" might mean to them - could be the medical profession known for a lot of overtime and sleepless nights, could be an office job where you have to stare at screens that cause eyestrain for too long etc etc).
But i think it does include some independency. Dependant on the person. YMMV. I think i'd leave it up to the individual to define, beyond the biological "maturity/end of puberty" or sociological "minor/adult" divide
#like for me adulthood comes with independence (emphasis on the financial) because for me i don't think i'll be able to#feel like an adult for as long as i'm dependant on my parents#but i can't say ''emotional maturity'' bc i think there's something wrong with me on a psychological level#and i mean this unironically and seriously#that genuinely prevents me from achieving that emotional maturity and still makes me feel emotions like a toddler#(like best i can do is control my reactions but then i just have my tantrums when i'm alone and tend to take my feelings out on myself)#for me it's about enjoying the freedom of planning my own day and week bc my parents control(led) my free time#(present tense bc they still do when i come home for holidays)#stuff like that. i think in that case for me adulthood is about the separation from your parents/parental figures#separation thru identity happens during puberty i think#so i guess it makes sense that that emotional and physical separation and changing of the dynamic#from dependant/supporter to more or less equal individuals would be the end of puberty and onset of adulthood#it's a philosophical debate i think#what're your thoughts on it?
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hm
#ramble tag#more like vent tag but i refuse to have one of those you can just ignore me you are smart#like seriously dont read this unless you really wanna and are snooping#i think there's something wrong with my brain#the executives have really refused to function#or some such nonsense i don't know i am just saying things#if i blame it on a vaguely medical sounding problem i feel less personally responsible about it#its been roughly 4 days#the hours are slipping away like sand through fingers#and i cant Do Anything#its infuriating#i can only Think about all the work i need to do but i Can't Do it#i only have 6 days left probably less i dont know the exact deadline and i have made No progress and i know i just have to Start#but like every time there is a slightest huccup i just get pulled away from the task and oops its dark out now!#and its like i dont even care#i am not sad or scared or angry except i know i should be so its like a ghost of a feeling#i dont want to die and dont want to live if i could i would just sit and read or even just think alone with my mind for a week straight#after i post this i will open the document pull out the tablet and start again i need to Start#aughhhh#how am i even an adult human person#this cant be how real human people live nothing would ever get done and we would starve to death#people here like to say that ooh 20 is not an adult that doesn't count but like#if i was less of a dumbass i would be living if not on my own then not with my parents#and i cant imagine surviving like that#that might be part of why that didn't happen#i am straight up just not an independent person right now#i have been avoiding booking an appointment to cut my hair for half a month#and avoiding scheduling to pick up the piercings I Wanted for 2! maybe 3! i dont know anymore!#okay this ends here#not the moping the tags
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i wish every good driving instructor a very have the most beautiful life imagineable. may you experience joy and bliss everyday. May your family line be blessed by your service to humanity.
#i had a driving lesson and my instructor is just so good I love him#i will do something nice for him after i pass my test#he's honestly changing my life like idk if he realises that 😭😭#i hope every driving instructor teaching adults over 25 to drive knows they are changing someone's life in a huge way#before 25 as well of course!!!! but i feel like after 25...#like you've missed about a decade of driving time. a decade of independence — especially in a car focused world#yes i think we need the world to be less car oriented!!!!!!#Less cars on the road is good!!!!#but i think being a competent confident safe driver is just extremely important#roach rambles
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Fuck I mean shit I mean fuck I’m so autistic
#it’s bad. it’s bad.#I keep clinging to the hope I’m not actually autistic because I’ve never gotten an official diagnosis#but fuck me man#it’s starting to impact such a huge portion of my life that it’s actually getting kinda hard to ignore#I’m.#I can’t do things. I can’t go certain places.#my job options are limited due to my genuine ability to perform certain tasks#and it’s not normal how. bad I am at stuff sometimes#something is definitely wrong with#me and it’s affecting my ability to act as an independent person#something about me also affects peoples perceptions of me I mean#I’m literally a child. to people#and to myself really#but I’ve just become a legal adult and it’s hitting me#as I’m surrounded by peers who act so different to me#that something isn’t right#I know most people feel like kids still but I cannot stress enough that something else is going on I swear#I don’t know#potatoe rambles#vent#tw vent
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honestly miranda's a lot more insecure than she will ever let anyone else know about or even mentally recognize and realize in herself - its just also in such specific and bizarre ways that no one ever picks up on it
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#its because of the merkingdom. just. theres no mystery this is absolutely why this is#and also the conflict between#merfolk cultural standards and their norms and what the lands cultural standards and norms are like#honestly merfolk dont lose a lot of their neural plasticity when it comes to social behavior even as they age#because being able to keep up with and maintain bonds and match even small changes in their social groups#were large evolutionary pressures that allowed them to function as they do#that its a little like miranda never fully left the part of childhood where youre just a social sponge#which. again. normal for merfolk. normal for even very old merfolk to be constantly learning new social tricks#its just a problem when she comes up to land and the only other merfolk around is bellanda#and theres a LOT of casual or indirect or even outright rejection of her needs as a merfolk#she has all sorts of new body image issues that she never had before#because she got slapped into a situation where people keep treating her badly because of them#this is also why bellanda and aaravi end up being so important as a part of a stable miivt'ia with her#because that plasticity prioritizes by relationship hierarchy#so if ravi and bells are fine with something and even outright indignant about it#then miri will default more to them being the ''norm'' than anyone else#i just like how much merfolk approach socialization and social behavior from the non-mammalian perspective#of effectively just retaining a social learning curve instead of the way mammals will settle into an ''adult'' socialization#and merfolk having the opposite of most mammals#where theyre far more independent as children and way more social as adults#where the lopsided attachment in parent-child relationships actually has the parent being more attached#hmmmm#which now makes me think high neural plasticity would help them with their long lifespans (already helped by being large and coldblooded)#and staving off the effects of aging by keeping their brains healthier for longer#things to thinks upon
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one of these days i need to sit down with the butterfly + spider symbolism from tri98 and write a thing about spiders and silk moths — beings that are both capable of producing silk — and the inherent tragedy of the domestic silk moth (bombyx mori) + dependent plants
#theres an ongoing debate about what constitutes as ‘ethical’ silk#given that the way silk is usually harvested is by boiling pupated silk worms#(pupated silk worms are also seen as a snack in some cultures!)#some people think this is inherently cruel. to boil the worm before it has the opportunity to emerge as a moth#but if you allow the moth to emerge the silk will be a much lower quality due to the moth breaking strands#and the adult domestic silk moth has a lifespan of roughly a week.#they have no mouths. they cannot eat. their purpose is to reproduce and then die#the domestic silk moth cannot fly. we’ve bred it out of them.#so the question is: is it ethical to boil the silkworm in its cocoon? is it more ethical to let it turn into a moth?#the answer is: i dont know. only the individual can determine that. but i work with silk and i think abt it a Lot#and i do think theres something there wrt spiders who create and utilize their silk for their own purposes#cough cough independent plants#and the dependent plants. the tragedy of the silk moth. no mouth. limited lifespan. an inability to fly.#marge simpson voice I Just Think Theyre Neat
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there’s something so hilariously tragic about being bullied as a kid but not realising at the time until you become an adult & you look back to notice that you in fact were a victim & it impacted you
#me wondering why people didn’t like me and just rubbing them off as nasty losers at the time#often times ignoring them or saying something back that shut them up#but then later on thinking hmmm why did so many people dislike me I didn’t do anything wrong#turns out when you’re very visibly neurodivergent with a smart mouth people hate that lol#now as an adult I am very self conscious struggle to make friends and second guess myself#an actual shell of the person I was as a kid/teenager#I miss her honestly#I never let their words get to me at the time because I liked myself and never wanted to change myself#but you do at a point as you age second guess yourself#start blaming yourself#I was so independent and confident in my self only to now have to rely so much on my mum it’s sad#:(
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Having a post get popular enough to be independently reblogged by someone you follow but aren't mutuals with is. Wild
#yes it was the sex poll obvs#given the person is a minor i'm very glad they picked answer one lmao#like i do think minors in general are allowed to want and even have sex (with each other obvs) but when it's a minor i personally follow it#would just make me feel pretty weird lmao. like on a personal level ya feel? i mean when u reach an even closer level it becomes not weird#again like my dear friend ness (17yo) who afaik doesn't actually HAVE any sex but occasionally wants to and i support her hot girl summer.#but as stated this person barely knows i exist i just follow his blog (i used they earlier but this was incorrect but tumblr won't let me e#edit the tag 😔) and he's 16yo so seeing him talk about wanting and/or having sex would have been. uncomfortable. like obvs he'd be allowed#to because my personal discomfort is no indication of morality but you get it. like if my big little cousin (she's 15 now by god the years#don't stop coming) were to talk about sex and stuff to me or within earshot i would ummm. throw myself out the window? but like i'd still t#try to be supportive and if push comes to shove then yes i would give her condoms 😔 cuz like if a minor wants sex i will not be able to sto#stop them lmao but i can at least try and make it somewhat safe y'know#actually i remembered i have literally given a 15yo a condom before lmao she's prolly over 20 now but like as the adult dormmate it was alm#almost like a responsibility y'know like what do you want me to DO?? let her get pregnant?? anyway enough tangent lmao#btw all this is also why in the poll i included 'too young' but didn't specify an age cuz that's individual y'know. some people are p late#bloomers (i was one) while others choose to have consensual sex by 14 y'know. not something i like to think about but that doesn't mean it#won't happen ya feel. i mean what am i the american education system? lmao. so some ppl have interpreted being 17 as too young but there's#also folks like this who clearly consider 16 old enough and that's defo ppl's good right. and again i usually don't mind just the fact that#he in particular is someone i already knew made it uncomfy. but anyway yea back on topic it's very interesting in general when your post#gets big enough to independently make it to ur dash thru a non mutual lmao. love the hellsite honestly where else amirite#personal#mine#ok to rb ig#like the actual body of the post anyway. i'd be pretty uncomfy if said person saw my tags on this cuz y'know it's kind vagueing even if it'#not negative but anyway. anyway#*kinda
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hmm
#nonsims#been thinking of the support group that starts this sunday#in a way my brains are all 'you don't need to go if it makes you uncomfortable!!! you can just stay home!!! that would be sooo comfy!!!'#but at the same time i recognize that stepping out of my comfort zone might be very good in this particular case#not that i haven't been out of my comfort zone all my life lol#i just know that i need Something that feels real and important in my life#i need to build myself some kind of a life where i will still have things to live for if/when i lose the most important people in my life#and you know what. i counted the social things i've done independently as an adult#like sure my bf's friends visit us a few times a year#but for me those visits are 100% tied to my bf and i would never see those people without him cos they're HIS friends#i do always refer to them as our friends but the reality is that i would never hear from them again if me and the bf split up#so i counted the stuff i've done independently (school or work or hanging out with mom/grandma/bf not included)#i've had dinner with my coworkers TWICE (i didn't want to go but i didn't dare stand out by not going)#i've been to a bar with my work partner ONCE (after one of those dinners)#i see my BFF 2-3 times PER YEAR#that's it. that's my independent social life for AT LEAST the last 12 years#so you know if i were to go to the support group and attend all 11 meetings...#that would be like the biggest social thing for me in my whole adult life#and it's so funny cos it's an AUTISM support group!!! my biggest social thing would be an autism support group!!!#so i'm trying to get into this mindset that i'll go at least this first time to see what it's like
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my dad is so funny he always calls around a holiday to wish me happy holidays and also ask something from me. aaaah divorced dads.
#i called my mom right after and she was like did ur dad just call u lol#bc he called her too#actually this is a lie he calls me randomly outside holidays to ask me how my day is going and also ask something from me lol#ok to be fair it's never rly serious. it's just like help from me and my mom that we can only do from america#to assist in his next hair brained scheme. but he doesn't ask us for money or anything like that#or is it hare brained? does the idiom imply you're crazy like an animal or ur brain is growing fuzz bc it's out of wack#anyway. this time he apparently wants us to assist him in getting a green card. bc he wants to be here to support his daughter#(my half sister) when she goes to university in the US? (she's like 7 now) but like what. he's gonna just live here for 4 years#while she goes to school and tries to be an independent adult?? is he gonna like get a job while he's here?? what exactly is the plan here
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