#but i wish to walk forward
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gonna clean up some posts from this blog and then close the ask box in like,,, a week. i don't see a point to keeping it open anymore and while i think i should delete or like... private this blog, there's a lot of archived information on here.
either way, with time i've decided that blogs/documentation/accounts dedicated to people shouldn't really... be a thing, and i'm frustrated with my past self for putting a foot in the door of being added to this blog.
i hope the victims of this person can move on and heal from their abuse. i hope volt learns to improve as a person and stop hurting others. i hope nobody tries to follow in my footsteps.
thank you to the people who've stuck with this blog for so long but officially i'm killing it here and moving on.
#i just#i have a girlfriend now and i have a good system of people around me#i'm happy and healthy#and after going through life and trying to be part of communities like this?#no thank you#please be kind to one another#please have e#empathy for one another#nobody should ever have to bear this burden#not me#not anyone else#nobody#i am deeply sorry to people i may have hurt in the past#i cannot undo what i have done#but i wish to walk forward#and grow as a person#just as we as people are born to do#i love you all
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day 3! we’ve had a lot of fun up here but I’m kind of relieved to be heading back home tomorrow, we’re both pretty tired after all of the hiking. hopefully we can come back one day!
#I fully understand why they don’t but I wish more natl parks allowed dogs#this has been such a fun trip#but oof my stamina has halved after every day lmao even Stellina is feeling it#she started just sitting her ass down when we paused on walks instead of whining to move forward lol#boone would have hated this trip god bless <3#anyway if ur able to make the trip to Acadia I def recommend! such a cool place#stellina
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But what if Kana will save Kamiki? (I’m only half joking)
Wouldn’t it just be extremely funny if after the wrap party for The 15-Year Lie, Miki-san just encounters Kana-chan “drinking” (juice) with the intention of killing her at first.
And then Miki-san offers her liquor, and she says, “sorry I may be an adult but I’m still not legal to drink. This is actually just juice.”
And then he tries to seduce her, and she goes, “You look exactly like the boy I like but you’re not him, and I can’t.”
And then she starts to mock-drunkenly uglycry about being abused as a child actress, having to exit the scene when pedophiles started counting down her birthday to 18 and she couldn’t handle images of her body being peddled on social media like that, and how because of her sense of responsibility towards her career, her team, and her fans, she couldn’t realistically be with the only boy she’s ever truly loved. And she keeps talking about how she doesn’t feel she deserves the love of her fans because she’s not as innocent as they think she is and she just wants to do her best in her work.
And then Miki-san just starts crying, like he’s never seen that kind of honesty before, and nobody’s ever understood the way he was also abused as a child actor, or the way his body was used by adults in the industry, or the way his honest and simple love was never reciprocated by the woman he had feelings for and sired children with.
And then Kindaichi just comes into the scene drunk and barking and pulling him by the collar and calling for the guards, and Kana’s like, “Wait, what’s going on!” And Miki-san just goes like, “No, just let it happen, I think I deserve it.”
And then Aqua just rushes in and hugs Kana and is sobbing thinking she could have died. And Kana-chan just going like wtf are you people talking about WE WERE JUST TRAUMABONDING.
LIKE WHAT IF. WHAT IF THE GUY JUST NEEDED ARKHAM ASYLUM.
#delulu#mega delusional#I can wish for extra Kana screentime but here you go a half-assed fanfiction set in my imagination lmaoooo#Arima Kana best girl#Arima Kana is the one who will take me back#most anticlimactic way to resolve this series#i would rather this than all the kana deathflags lmao#don't take this one seriously guys#please#for my sake this one is just a joke#but also hella funny if it happened and then miki san just aborts mission and leaves kana alone lmaooo#not him thinking i'm looking forward to walking her down the aisle when she marries my son HAHAHAHAHAHAHA please god no#oshi no ko#oshi no ko spoilers#oshi no ko fan theories#Arima Kana#Hoshino Aqua#Hikaru Kamiki#THIS IS JUST A JOKE
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Sort of a ramble, sort of me just writing my thoughts out while I'm stuck with writer's block, but I keep thinking about how Fulcrum was in stasis for roughly 3 million years??
Like, that's a long time, even for Cybertronians. Not a really long time, not an entire lifespan. But still, it's a large chunk of a normal lifespan just gone. Poof.
One second you're crawling across the pockmarked terrain of an alien planet, surrounded by the sound of gunfire, and the shouting and screaming before and after each earth shuddering impact of another k-con hitting the ground. And then it's quiet. You're not there anymore. You're drifting somewhere between not alive and just asleep. Preserved somewhere in the background of a doomed body, ignored by time and space, still here, but also not.
And then there's sound. Not gunfire. Not shouting or screaming. Not the sounds that'll haunt you till your dying days, your own death sentence pounding in your head. No. Just voices, talking, standing out against a silent, dead world. Wondering. Joking. Bickering. Familiar. Just, not familiar to you. And you're awake. Pulled back from the nothingness you've been frozen in, consciousness tugged forwards with the yank of a fuel pump and the nearness of life.
These two moments are roughly 3 million years apart, but only minutes, maybe even seconds, to him. From a hectic harrowing battlefield, to an old silent graveyard in one blink.
How long did it take to really sink in? I mean, he seems to just roll with it. He doesn't seem particularly bothered. But like, what happened outside of what we see? How did he really feel?
Also, his body aged without him. While his mind preserved itself, freezing him as he was right then, his body was left to weather Clemency for all those years. No wonder it crumbled to dust when he jumped off the world sweeper. It's probably a miracle of some kind that it didn't just fall apart each time someone leaned on him.
And even after they rebuild him, give him a better, newer body. His spark, it's casing, all the irreplaceable core bits that make up their inner bodies, it aged in the time without him. Does he feel it? Does it make his body even more foreign to him?
Then he's also a technician with information that's 3 million years out of date. Lucky him that the scavengers probably weren't working with top of the line material. But still it's gotta be weird when faced with anything brand new, because a lot can change and progress in 3 million years, and now some of the knowledge he once prided himself in is obsolete.
Besides those things, his view of the galaxy, of the war, of their kind, of other kinds, is one of the few things actually pointed out when it comes to him being stuck in the past. So, how often were his old views challenged? Facts of life he held close proved to no longer true? There's 3 million years worth of new science, new beliefs, new words, new terms, new views.
And sure, some of it can be familiar, because they're an ever evolving kind, and they have patterns, core beliefs, repeating behaviors, but a lot of it's gonna be unfamiliar at the same time, because it's 3 million years worth of catch up, it's not like missing last week's trend.
In a way, it makes him a living relic of a bygone era for Decepticons. It would've been really interesting to have had that explored a little more.
#rq i wanna say i love seeing others thoughts on these if you have them. esp those that have thought about it longer than i lol#like. im still just starting to sink my teeth into the lore and put things together. so your thoughts are much appreciated#sometimes i wish that i could turn these rambles into those really well worded. slightly pretentious. but in a fun way. character metas?#but i dont think i can organize my thoughts that well. so. rambles it is lol#not to say rambling is lesser or smth tho. i love a good ramble. love to read them. i support ramblers#speaking of rambling-#idk why it fascinates me so. but theres just something rlly interesting about fulcrum being somewhat stuck in the past#i think it could've played interestingly into his and kroks dynamic had it been explored more?#like. the past and history play big parts in their lives. krok having studied it. and fulcrum having been fast forwarded thru it#it would've been interesting to see them talk more about it? since logically fulcrum wouldve gone to krok for more of the 3mill year rundow#and its like. krok is shown to be really knowledgeable on not only history. but cultures as well. theres and others.#so certain eras of their own culture would probably be a slight interest of his. esp decepticon ones.#and then theres fulcrum. who pretty much got plucked from the empire era only to land in kroks lap (metaphorically) ((...unless?))#so heres this walking talking piece of history. and a dude that has a sort of passion for history. why not explore it more?#and like. yeah. the ''history'' krok has studied is all mostly shit he lived through. but people study the times they lived through-#-because while they may have lived through it. theirs is only one perspective. a good historian takes into account multiple perspectives#idk where i'm going with this now. smth smth fulcrum relying on krok for future stuff and krok having someone to talk history stuff with#i just. augh. i wanna know what their dynamic is more. what we see in the comics is so back and forth at times#like. they seem to hit it off pretty well. but then fulcrum fucks it up ig by being oblivious and a little too ''i can fix him'' vibey#and his taste in comedy is bad. to say the least. which is apparently grounds for messy divorce#also krok is sometimes cool with selling a whole dude. at least when the dude is their befriended giant killer autobot buddy :/#that is also grounds for divorce. obviously#sorry. this is derailing the more i start thinking about how messy fulkrok could be. like. ough <3#they're a little ''i hate my wife'' coded. but in a greater scav codependent poly way. and it's more krok being annoyed with fulcrum#its like. fulcrum: ''i can fix him bcs i need to feel validated'' vs krok: ''wtf is wrong with this guy?! who does he think he is??''#i think they'd want to pick each other apart intellectually. maybe emotionally. smth smth two officers. both disgraced. and power dynamics#its fun. they're both hypocrites. they'd need couples therapy. its also 4am. shit. ok goodnight
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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missing venti hours
#i am having thoughts . but i am not too confident to make them their own posts#mmmost notably#about how nice of a thought it is — to imagine a bard that ven can get to hold again. to hear again#but . the idea that in canon . the best he could do to replicate that feeling is either holding himself and pressing softly or perhaps#gathering a long pillow in his arms and pretending#because mortals do not last long (not without consequence). and as said so much — time is merciless. it matters not how the clock ticks away#for you. whether it be by seconds or minutes. hours or years. it marches along regardless of anyone’s feelings to it#and you have to grasp at what lingers in between : the bonds that you make . the joy and sorrow . the laughing and silence#and you have to hold them close close close. to preserve them for another day#there is no getting back what was lost#but that’s a bit too bittersweet so anyways#first and foremost ven is a nuisance and we love him for that#secondly and much more importantly than the first point is that ven is full of love and care that it surprises me how it does not burst out#from him. ven puts others before himself A LOT. he wants everyone to be able to live peacefully. happily#to find that they can live another day with a smile#and if that means assuring them of what’s to come. or offering them a shoulder to cry on. or making a fool of himself#then by the heavens himself will he sign up for the task#he is not !!! a lazy archon i refuse this notion#he cares deeply for his people !!! he watches and he will help if they stumble and will back away when they wish to walk forwards on their#own !! and they will make mistakes and they will learn from them and he will be there …!!!!! to see them grow !!!!!#besides mondstadt doesn’t particularly ?? seem like they want a god to truly rule over them . tbh#and this is disregarding the fact that mond . fucking killed their first god . ven is not going to risk that ???#so what use would it be — to start randomly showing up as a god and guiding them that way ?? that would be pressuring !!#does this . am i making sense . im very tired#it’s 2am#lantern says stuff
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#rlly not looking forward to tmrw ughhh#it's almost 3am.. and i need to get up at 8am...#then i have to call the surgery clinic at 9. hopefullt i get thru immediately nd can have my obligatory pre surgery phone call#then i have to hurry and WALK to school (around 1hr) bc i dont have a buss pass#nd they have started using controllants who are dressed in civil clothes so we cant recognize them. i dont need to be fined again.#it's like $150. half my monthly moneyyyy. so yeah i cant risk taking the buss. im gnna walk...#i will be late for class bc class starts at 10. but i have to call before bc class ends at 12.30. and their call times end at 12 lmao#so thats gonna be fun!!!!#then i have to sit in class and try to concentrate bc if i dont send in assignments in each class they're gonna suspend me :((#but ig then i can go home and crash#i just have to force myself to do it and endure it even if it will suuuuuuck#ugh i wish i could at least get sleep before that.. but i just cant fall asleep. nd the hours pass me by whoops#well.. life sucks a lot sometimes thats just how it is i gotta power thru it#why cant nothing ever be easy sigh
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rant unrelated to fics in the tags ✨✨
#im so Lonely!!!#i came home for the holidays#and none of my friends and family have time to hang out with me :/#idk how much longer i can pretend going outside alone for a walk and buying little treats makes me happy#im also gonna be celebrating new years alone too#its really just me and sukuna in my head isnt it#i didnt bring my journal here so the world has to hear about this :)#the facade of a fulfied life really falls apart when you arent constantlybusy#i always look forward to vacations and then they happen and i wish they were shorter#how sad
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Do I get last minute tickets to girli in brighton next tuesday yes or no
#i know that I'm not going to but. maybe i can pretend.#i could probably beg for a lift home. but I'd probably have to get the train there.#idk. i don't know if it would be manageable but i really wish it was.#yeah. i don't think I'd be able to manage the walk from the station + standing concert#feeling the chronic illness a lot lately. I'm still really bummed about missing pride. for a lot if reasons.#it just sucks a lot.#would be fun to go to gay people concert. oh well. at least i have chappell to look forward to.#which i also can't think about too much. because i am very scared.#idk. I'm just sad good bye.
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you ever only realize your mental state was resting entirely on a single thing when that single thing falls through
#the hair dresser cancelled my appointment without notifying me#im guessing she was out sick or something cause No One was there#but i was really looking forward to getting my haircut#and now my brain has just done a graceful high dive into the deep end of the depression pool#maybe I'll buy myself a little treat since i saved the haircut costs#this is also just going to exacerbate any future haircut anxiety#i already hate walking into ulta to get to the salon but now i know sometimes they just wont be there and no one told you#and you'll sit there for 10 minutes like an idiot with no employees bothering to ask if they can help#even though they must know the stylists are gone??#i wish we had a regular cheap hair dresser in town but its either ulta or little expensive boutique style shops that cater to black hair#which im sure theyd be able to handle my hair texture just fine but id feel just as weird being there as in a makeup store#im having a Week and it's only tuesday#personal
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im gonna be real i dont know how people are finding baikens tits in strive hot
#the official art. the in game models...#bothered watching her intro and its just like. theyre just There. yknow?#theres no weight to them...... they dont sag.....#like someone affixed balloons to her front..... like bro cmon#and we all know her forward walk cycle...#IDK!!!!!! maybe im just not seeing it! becos i do also wish we could go back to like.#xx or whatever
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Really fucking hard to not feel completely defeated by a double ankle injury lads
#just took a shower but the entire process is so exhausting#I know this is temporary. I know it because I’ve gone through an ankle break before. but boy#boy am I in the ‘there will never be anything but this’ phase. the I’ll never be able to walk again phase#wish I could just fast forward man! they need to invent a way out that isn’t through!
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y'all i only have 5 episodes left of s2.....
#i could finish it tonight....#but i'm already at my 3 episode per day maximum#i need to touch grass#hmmm okay maybe i'll go for a walk or something and then see how i feel#touching grass might help me stave off The Horrors#im looking forward to finishing out this storyline but frankly im Not Sure if im looking forward to s3 lmao#all i remember are [character i don't like] and cgi horses....wish me strength#kkm tag
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I could write a whole analysis on fes Kohane just watch me.
#something something at the start of the main story she wished to be interested in something enough to pursue it (like minori)#then she walked into weekend garage#pre haircut kohane looking back as the current one moves forward. the kohane of just a few events ago walks on.#across from our current kohane is kohane with the rest of vbs. but specifically after crawl green (same outfits from the untrained)#(vbs mean so much to her they manifest in the sekai)#kohane has been constantly pushing forward the entire time. always improving. she's going beyond crawl green now.#(beyond the legend. beyond the reveal from light up the fire. beyond the idea of just surpassing rad weekend.)#i didn't mean to put this all in here so just enjoy it i guess?#idk if this even makes sense so yeah#i love kohane sm in case you couldn't tell#project sekai#kohane azusawa#pjsk leaks
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hi mutuals not to doxx myself but im in boston literally rn :D 🤯🤯🤯
#purrs#took a 2.8 mile walk around the hotel and tmrrw i have a session at 8:30 am that i have to be up at6 for so i can get ready and rehearse#bc i haven’t rehearsed at all to this point LAWLLL 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰and im goi ng to. a scary fancy dinner tmrrw night lole. but it’ll all be ok. this k#kinda feels insane and fake like all of it. and my melon carton spilled in the subway and it was so embarrassing and i was very stressed. im#nervous but excited i wish this all felt realer but it’s nice and im excited to see more of boston. kinda crazy to be in a city where ppl#are alive and there are lots of sights and smells and sounds and things and it’s just there all the time every day. also kinda crazy to be#in massachusetts as a destination when the last time i was here as a destination both my grandparents were alive and their house existed 😃✌️#but i am trying not to think about that. but if i get to visit faneuil square i might cry lol#conference tag#also i have HORRIBLE motion sickness like even lying in bed under the covers i still feel like im on the train and the ground is swaying#underneath me…. wtf 👩🏻 but it’s fine. i am a normal girl i made it to boston and i have 2.5 days left here and iam looking forward to living#them and having smth to look forward to every day 🥳I just need to not be nervous. but also we are doing orientation in the BALLROOM and it’s#fucking massive like why’d they make it so big 😭😭😭😭😭 help
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people weren't lying those crossroads of twilight can really slog
#this is the longest it took me to finish a wheel of time book#i haven't been really posting my thoughts as i read through this series but i am an old man staring out his window rn#wot book spoilers#once i hit egwene pov chapters it definitely got better in terms of me actively wanting to sit down and read it#but the parts before... idk if it's because i had my usual break before picking up this book specifically but man.#tragic to me because elayne and mat povs are usually my favorite in the books but alas.#at least i got the “but she loved aviendha every bit as much as she did rand”. much to think about#but yeah it very much feels like a sort of filler book#i feel like a lot of the events could've been shortened?#but i do find a lot of what happened in the back half of the book interesting. like the introduction of so habor#and whatever is going on with mat seeing dead people?? yeah i'm kicking my leggies and am interested to see what's up with those things#although all three boys now getting in some ways alligned with the seanchan... :| not looking forward to that#and i find tuon intriguing she is interesting to me i just wish there was no romance plot here#overall i enjoyed the egwene chapters the most#egwene povs my new best friend#(i'm saying this as if i haven't liked them in previous books. i very much did but there were always povs that i enjoyed more in comparison#anyways. live randland reaction the book goes to the bottom of my list. i am walking off into the sunset with knife of dreams in my hand#olga talks
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