#does this . am i making sense . im very tired
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in my head mind is more mentally/verbally violent towards heart and heart is more physically violent towards mind, since the "mind" is more an abstract concept than the "heart", who is named after a literal physical body part. not that heart doesn't attack mind verbally or mind doesn't ever get physical with heart, just that they prefer their respective methods because of their respective roles.
and it just makes more sense for their characters, too, in that mind would feel superior to heart, in that he only cleverly points out all that is inferior about him, and would never go down to his level by getting physical, (despite his insults clearly being an outlet for his anger/frustration at their dissonance) and in that heart, the manifestation of the best and worst of all emotions and all of their impulsive desires, would lash out physically(see:Juno Incident) in an attempt defend himself/to be seen as equal(following his own twisted logic/justification for his actions, and later trying to explain them)
tldr: my hc is that mind is mentally strong but not so much physically, heart is physically strong but not so much mentally, they prefer to attack each other in ways they know the other is weaker
#does this make sense? im running on two hours of sleep waiting on the bus and its very cold#chonny jash#cccc#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cccc analysis#also am i stupid for thinking of this. is this obvious to everyone am i just dumb or is this smart. i cant tell im so tired#jaggy posts#also i feel like inshould be explaining heart first bc its heart then mind then soul like thats their order. but i love mind so too bad#i explain mind first then heart sorry hesrt#fuck it. not drafting im straight up posting
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ill probably delete this in a minute but ive just been fuckin boggled by what ive seen across tumblr in the last few days in particular. its why i havent really been around. like holy fucking shit, its really like some of yall just dont want a chunk of the trans community to exist. like some of yall are thisclose to saying it verbatum. way too many already have. 'shut up sit down be quiet and smile for us' type shit, gee where have i heard that before. oh yeah my entire life cause i was forcefully gendered as someones daughter. shock horror i know. you might be surprised to remember and/or learn that very few trans folks know theyre trans before we're 5, or even 10, and that that gendered experience stays with all of us in both/either small or large ways. either bc we literally dont have a solid identity yet (bc we're very small children), dont have the words, we're repressing it out of fear from how others will treat us, we're actually enjoying or enjoyed being another gender in our childhood, or we just genuinely didnt fuckin know until shit lined up later in life. weird isnt it that transmascs dont pop out as 6'1 brick shithouse cis men when we're born so yall know for certain that we're confused lost girls/women oops i mean big dangerous scary men. its almost like we're transgender too. none of yall actually know what intersectionality is or means
#my t#transandrophobia#yeah ill tag it why tf not#i just dont understand why transmasculinity is scrutinized and dissected like this within the trans community#when its just not the case for other gendered trans folks amongst themselves more often than not these days#which is a good thing! a really really good thing! but why are we scapegoating transmascs#''we need more weird trans people!!'' yall cant even handle like. a pre-everything trans guy coming out for the first time#yall cant handle a pre-everything tguy wearing a tshirt without tearing him to shreds & calling him shit like afag/theyfab & ukelele boy#im tired of my identity being treated as a debate. i had enough of that in highschool as#very literally. **the only trans kid in my grade** surrounded by cis teachers & peers USING ME AND MY BODY AS A TALKING POINT#i was the only one who wasnt deeply closeted that is. and holy fuck do i still not blame anyone for being closeted in that school#why is it only okay to try to separate trans ppl from our gender when we're not fem/me#why is one celebrated and the other treated like radioactive waste **within our own community**#god i need to find an irl community fuckin badly online trans circles are hell on earth#ill be describing smth that happened to me as a clocky tguy and someone else will say TO MY FACE#that what happened to me wasnt bc i was a clocky guy but purely bc i was trans#like i. what. how. how does that make any kind of fucking sense#i wouldnt be clocky if i wasnt trying to look like my gender. like i. hello?#would u say that to any other trans person or am i just that special?
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#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match#i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum#but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now#that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match#when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured#im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me#idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for#thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them#certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently#as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me#the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself#hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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missing venti hours
#i am having thoughts . but i am not too confident to make them their own posts#mmmost notably#about how nice of a thought it is — to imagine a bard that ven can get to hold again. to hear again#but . the idea that in canon . the best he could do to replicate that feeling is either holding himself and pressing softly or perhaps#gathering a long pillow in his arms and pretending#because mortals do not last long (not without consequence). and as said so much — time is merciless. it matters not how the clock ticks away#for you. whether it be by seconds or minutes. hours or years. it marches along regardless of anyone��s feelings to it#and you have to grasp at what lingers in between : the bonds that you make . the joy and sorrow . the laughing and silence#and you have to hold them close close close. to preserve them for another day#there is no getting back what was lost#but that’s a bit too bittersweet so anyways#first and foremost ven is a nuisance and we love him for that#secondly and much more importantly than the first point is that ven is full of love and care that it surprises me how it does not burst out#from him. ven puts others before himself A LOT. he wants everyone to be able to live peacefully. happily#to find that they can live another day with a smile#and if that means assuring them of what’s to come. or offering them a shoulder to cry on. or making a fool of himself#then by the heavens himself will he sign up for the task#he is not !!! a lazy archon i refuse this notion#he cares deeply for his people !!! he watches and he will help if they stumble and will back away when they wish to walk forwards on their#own !! and they will make mistakes and they will learn from them and he will be there …!!!!! to see them grow !!!!!#besides mondstadt doesn’t particularly ?? seem like they want a god to truly rule over them . tbh#and this is disregarding the fact that mond . fucking killed their first god . ven is not going to risk that ???#so what use would it be — to start randomly showing up as a god and guiding them that way ?? that would be pressuring !!#does this . am i making sense . im very tired#it’s 2am#lantern says stuff
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Boys when characters will do anything to cling onto something that is only a hollow and empty imitation of what they really want because its the only thing they have left
#yes this is about sigma again who rlse#thinking ab. the casino#hes sooooo fucking desperate he'll do anything he'll do things that cearly make him uncomfortable and unhappy for the casino#but ultimately it isnt really what he wants or needs. there isnt anything for him there#hes just filling the gaps of a real family of people who care about him of somewhere he belongs#agrhehrhjdjrhdbdh#sorry im ill#does this make sense it is very late i am tired#sigma bsd#ramblings
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i’m so frustrated with people’s lack of common sense about wildlife. if you’re interacting with wildlife, you’re not having your disney princess moment. you’re not forming a magical bond. that’s a wild animal who is potentially terrified; maybe it’s curious if it’s young enough, but that just means you should minimise interactions as much as possible to make sure that animal lives a normal life. if your kid comes in holding a wild animal, don’t pick up your fucking phone to videotape it. bring the animal back outside and educate your kid to leave animals alone. you know what happens when you take in wildlife as a “pet”? either you keep it and do damage because even though it’s “tame” it’s a wild animal who is in no way meant to live in that setting unless it’s being kept by a trained and licensed rehabber who knows the housing and feeding requirements (and even then i’ve seen some who are keeping animals irresponsibility), or it ends up at a wildlife rehab when you inevitably harm it enough that you don’t know what to do, or when no vets see you, or when the animal becomes too aggressive for you to handle. and then we either figure out how to rehabilitate an animal whose temperament and/or body you have massively damaged or we euthanise it because the damage is too extensive. start treating wildlife like wild animals rather than a dog or cat. they’re not pets, they’re not domesticated, leave them alone and let them live happy lives as they’re supposed to.
#saw a video of someone’s kid bringing in a baby raccoon and holding it to her chest. what the FUCK are you thinking#‘it’s mine now it’s my pet’ and everyone in the comments is going ‘you heard her that’s her pet now’. fuck all the way off#not only does that harm the animal but that makes it very possible for animals to spread diseases to you or your actual pets#not to mention parasites and fleas#there was one the other day of someone getting a rabbit out of a skate park which is good thanks for helping it. but then the person spent#another 5 or 10 minutes interacting with it and petting it. that’s not a pet store bunny that’s a wild animal and it’s absolutely terrified#im not saying learn body language and temperament and shit for a bunch of different animals im saying have some common sense and leave#wildlife alone. look but don’t touch. if an animal looks to be in distress then contact a local wildlife rehab or any rehab at all and ask#for advice. if there’s a rehab near you then see if you can bring the animal in#if you try to do that shit yourself you can do irreparable damage#it’s all fun and games and ‘oh im keeping it as a pet’ until the animal is malformed and has broken bones and infected wounds or is so#aggressive that it’s taking chunks out of people with no warning#‘this wild animal andomly attacked someone for no reason!’ you see how it’s overweight? people have probably been feeding it and when that#person didn’t have food it jumped on them#someone’s gonna do this shit with a ‘sick bird they plan to nurse back to health’ and get fucking bird flu#im just tired i haven’t been working with wildlife for a year and am going to study wildlife and work with them for the rest of my life for#this shit to keep happening. i know it will but im just tired of seeing it over and over again#my post#y’all can rb if you want im just pissed and on my soapbox
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:/
#vent incoming#id really appreciate it if my ex uhhh respected my boundaries#like its nothing groundbreaking#but she likes to go out with people drinking and whenever she does shes very unfocused when responding to my messages#(we have lengthy conversations about stuff and she keeps them going despite hanging out with people which no comment there)#and I always get overwhelmed and anxious when it goes on for a long while because I cant make sense of the conversation n stuff#so i tried to push the conversations into a lull whenever she was out#and last weekend i kinda lost my patience with it and told her directly that i dont fuck with this anymore and i refuse to do this#we can have a few 'hi how are you where you at how you doing whats up' kinda stuff going but never the in depth stuff we talk about#she was whiny but eventually just let me have my way because i wouldnt entertain the rest#and today she was responding kinda funny and i wondered if its just me being bad at talking again or if shes busy with stuff#no :) she went out and didnt tell me :) and she just slipped up because she was frustrated about her friend getting drunk :)#i shouldnt even be posting this but ugh I am just. so tired#i get it she missed me cause i was away for most of the day and wouldnt even respond cause i dont use data when im out#but pulling this is just not it
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as a possibly autistic but definitely neurodivergent person i get cats, like goddamn
people always compare autistic people to cats as a joke but there are some real similarities that don’t actually mean anything in reality
it does however mean i look get along with cats really well and get really confused why other people can’t just learn to read some (pretty obvious, in my opinion) body language stuff and get along with cats too
like watch one video, read one article, for goodness sake look at an infographic, and you might learn some really useful stuff
like here’s where to let cats if you don’t know them, here’s how to approach them, also, they can get over stimulated when being pet so learn the signs and leave ‘em alone
‘i keep getting scratched and bit’ well mf the cat bristled, gave you a warning bat, was waving their tail anxiously, had their ears back, tried to back away, and hissed
you decided to keeping on petting the obviously in distress cat, like tf you except bitch??
anyway that’s how autistics are treated too
my mom treats cats and i the same way and one of us even has words. it’s not great, and it’s damn common too
#she’s a very touch-y person#loves hugs and friendly brushes#likes to touch hair for some reason to ‘your curls are so pretty’#i back away i am obvious not enjoying it eventually i’d snap and immediately get in trouble#she likes petting cats and does so more for her enjoyment then the animal’s even if she doesn’t realize it and kids seem to understand+#+why an animal wouldn’t want her attention#if said animal runs away or hurts her she’s mad at the aniaml bc it’s obvious it’s the cat’s fault#people treat autistic (and neurodivergent) people the same way#people really need to learn how to view something from any perspective but their own#not sure any of this makes sense or is actually applicable but im frustrated and loving on my kitty#(by sitting near him and chilling bc he’s done being pet)#(we got in a ton of good chin scitches tho before he got tired)#🌿
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i just think ghosting someone should be illegal
#esp if the person has bpd . no this isnt about me (it is)#it's just bad boss#ive slowly gotten better at trying not to think about the person but alas . they're appearing in my nightmares .#not much i can do about that besides feeling awful n just trying not to sleep after#idk ! idk i tried . i tried to not be like a previous friend i had who was rlly gross n manipulative to me#whilst Also being much older (i was seventeen n they were twenty four or twenty six i dont remember)#idk. ethan says i wasnt bad but its still gripping onto my brain yknow#also it just sucks being ghosted sucks this is the second time it's happened from someone i trusted#[united states of whatever voice] whatever#(it's more like . Wuhtevr .)#nothing i can do but cope with random f/n/af videos#im watching a person i like try to be sister l/o/cation blindfolded :] they're doing well even with how hard it is#i cant even beat night four Seeing things (well barely seeing things bc its so dark i genuinely cant see)#so it's rlly neat . also i know how to skip the night now bc of a joke he made >:D#also to anyone reading this i am not trying to come across as like Woe Is Me Feel Bad For Me bc like ew#NDNDNDN my tone is very just flat n matter of fact rather than trying to garner sympathy#but also i dont necessarily think it's bad to want sympathy however i dislike it when people go about it in such a way#where it's like . being down on themselves to such an amount that you Know they're playing it up . does that make sense#idk . im saying nothing <3 n im very tired n doing bad so im not making much sense my apologies#does a ditty before kickflipping my way back to f/n/af video world#blabs
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also i WILL say that vacuum sealing your analysis and consumption of media off from its wider context is not a neutral thing to do — like there are genuinely valid reasons to do it but it often (intentionally or otherwise) ends up reinforcing existing systems of oppression & erasure.
this also doesn’t mean you have to be Serious and Critical all the time, but rather that it’s worth just generally being open to the fact that all media exists within the world and can’t be separated from it. you don’t have to be actively deconstructing or problematizing things or explicitly acknowledging them to be participating in them. in fact, i think it’s a huge problem that Being Aware Of Existing Systems Of Oppression is so often equated with being critical and serious. you can also be fun and silly and shallow. it doesn’t have to be a big deal. most of the time it’s not.
#ex. i genuinely find it hard to see how you could interpret L as non-autistic without also participating in the wider system of erasing#autistic people#im sure it’s possible but he’s so incredibly grounded in the whole architecture of the autistic/disabled/neurodivergent investigator#that actively opposing that (not just being unaware of it) seems troubling at best#whereas interpreting anime!L as nonpsychotic seems basically ok to me? bc its literally just one anime-only scene thats very poorly#integrated into both the series and the episode#but#there way in which one tries to erase it can also be a bit Not Great you know#like there’s a difference between ‘this doesn’t seem like a thing which needs to be included for his character to make sense’#vs ‘this CANNOT possibly be part of his character’ despite it very literally being present on screen#with a side of being unaware of the wider context of psychosis in particular and mental illness in particular often being treated as#allegorical rather than literal#(ie what that episode is doing)#does this make sense. i hope this makes sense. i am so tired and so caffinated
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ok re: sam & nadia being friends who also hate each other:
I think the MOST tension that would form between them is the fact that objectively Sam speaks to and sees Nasrin way more than Nadia does. And even post-game events where she tries to rebuild that relationship, it's undeniable that Sam brings out a completely foreign side to her mother that she has never witnessed, even with Namar. which makes her feel a variety of things, one being resentment that she never showed that carefree side with Nadia lmfao
#let the grisl FIGHT#Nasrin too has a lot of feelings though about Sam and Nadia speaking#which are 'fuck you for speaking to my daughter when i dont--but also is she eating? does she look tired?'#sam in the middle like 'im just trying to suck and fuck until i die i don't want to think about this shit LMFAO'#because really sam KNOWS very very very well the position nadia is in LMAO#but it's not like he's gonna SAY IT#rambling#my edible is kicking so if this makes zero sense i am sorry ngfisdh
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did i make a mistake?
#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags#so yeah fair warning#...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man#i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk#about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text#or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want#to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes#fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the#relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard#to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call#a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who#asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt#think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was#again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy#who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him#and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first#relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant#really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy#himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house#has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid#i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over#a relationship that has just been going for 1 week#theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of#which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a#long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i#ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog
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'im gonna sleep' he lied
#snap chats#i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art#its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense#i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute#gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled#tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead#twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate#for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know#anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning#'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight#and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK#ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly#i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to#more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything#i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental#twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa#but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him#i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up#heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill#Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to#just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY#expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it#i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute#ok im pissing off fr now bye.
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vent in the tags
#truly astounding how my grandma was like: walking so much in your first job toughened you up like no it did not u idiot#i was so overworked and depressed and miserable. i had frequent panic attacks about going out.#im also not like her or my parents or anyone in the sense that everything is much harder for me because im audhd#even if i wasnt its just the pain i was and am feeling is very real#u can cure fatigue by walking and going outside like are u fucking serious 😭 the point is that my body is so tired it cant move#*cant#moving makes it worse#how often do i have to tell them (my family) that#i thought my grandma would understand bc of her illnesses but she has srthritis and stuff ehich does get better from moving#fatigue is very different tho (!!)#and i now realised after all this that ive struggled with fatigue my whole life. more or less. and when i worked at my first job i was#burning myself out after already having had a burnout at school before.#like im literally disabled idk why im even having a discussion about this. its not the same thing.#do they think i dont want to go outside in the summer????#im not fuvking lazy !! they need to stop thinking they know what its like for me. its not. like i have to rest after half a day of uni bc#its legit SOOO exhausting to socialise for me. the only reason i can do most things in a day and have the enrrgy for them is because i take#amphetamines for my adhd. like stop thinking that we are the same and that i can just do shit without it having a consequence for my energy#levels. im a spoonie#if theres no spoons i have to lie in bed for 2 hours until i can get up again to do sth to keep myself fed and needs met#like audhd disables me so much ON TOP OF the fatigue i accumulatef from burnout over the years AND this most recent post viral fatigue#god i was yapping so much here im sorry 😭🫶#personal#sage posting
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trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH
#not even at actual sad bits i just lose my mind watching ppl w chemistry act romantically on screen#when its well done and it feels intimate..... taking poison damage ouuuuurggh. -1hp -1hp -1hp ow... -1hp#god i fucking miss kissing ppl i miss physical intimacy its hard to breathe watching this. in a good way but also oww. ouch!!!!#i am so normal and well adjusted i promise. come here#i wish i didnt react the way i do sometimes to physical contact theres no reason i dont understand why it happens#like i wish it was easy for me and came naturally bc i always want it so so badly. but the fucking flinch where does that come from#and it makes everyone treat me like glass and avoid me bc they think i dont like it or just tolerate it i promise im not lying come back#its so so so frustrating and i find it so hard to watch other ppl being affectionate its like looking directly at thr sun#and i know im so obvious around other ppl when i get upset bc theyll touch and avoid me and then i get upset if they do touch me bc they#only do it when they feel bad for leaving me out ppl only ever hug me when they feel sorry for me do u know how shit that makes me feel#i just want ppl to want me around and in their space bc thats what i want but is it too much.to ask 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its easier when i warm up to ppl but it just takes so long and its so rare for anyone to believe me by that point the boundaries are set#im like a little feral kitten i need to be physically socialised before i get adopted#this isnt even making sense anymore im so tired my mind is all over the placr. sloshing on the floor. anyway ummmm#i cant keep being like this forever man#not even talking abt sex but thats a whole other thing. wouldnt it be nice to fuck without fitting the stone top role. i wouldnt know#all respect to ppl who are stone and all the ace ppl i know but im NOT i do want it i very much do experience the attraction!!!!#but for some reason my body wont let other ppl touch me it drives me fucking insane. i dont even have trauma like whatever man#didnt even use to be this bad i was such an affectionate kid n teen i wish i could go back man. man!!!#what a fucking decade of mental illness and repression does to a mf. forget all the other ways its affected me this is the worst by far#just the isolated n alienation innit. well it is what it is. maybe someday ill get it back#anyway sigh..... back to the movie.. i do like it so far its very pretty just different to my usual sort of film innit#considering i watched cure last weekend ajskdnf. the tonal difference#cure was a weird one but thr more i think abt it the more it sticks with me.... so good i need to watch more kurosawa#ANYWAY#.diaries#sorry for getting so personal on a saturday night.. im home alone for 24 hours and this is what happens
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