#but i will be back on more regularly at some point
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I hated being autistic and having synesthesia when I was a kid. My synesthesia was basically treated like a shock collar built into my nervous system. Anyone could subject me to a loud noise to cause me immense pain without leaving a mark on me. People would actually keep score on who could cause me to drop to the ground in pain most often before the end of the week. And I couldn't do shit to retaliated until I was in high school. One kid screamed in my ears in ninth grade and dumped the contents of a trash can on me once. And then he thought it was messed up that I grabbed a lunch table and hit him with it. I got lunch detention for responding to an unprovoked attack. I just didn't get people.
Eventually things got so out of hand that my disability was made public knowledge by the admins just so that my retaliations could be justified as self-defense to hate crimes. I lost track of how many times I was assaulted. It just never stopped. Even when I got into the habit of throwing people around, I never felt safe. I even got followed home by people on my way back from the gym. I kept two knives concealed in the palms of my gloves for that reason. The attacks were so common that I was frequently released from school 30 minutes ahead of everyone else simply for some additional safety. And even that didn't guarantee my safety. When I was eighteen a boy at school pulled a knife on me. I disarmed him by weakening his grip with a pressure point to the base of his wrist.
I hated myself for my conditions when I was growing up. And more than that, I hated people for putting me through hell for being different. A friend's dad once threatened a group of kids who chased me across the neighborhood with his spear cane. And another time my archery teacher had to pull a crossbow on a group of kids while his daughter threatened to call the police on them for attacking me with rocks to the head when I was in junior high. My teacher had me practice in his backyard from that point onward and gave me a key to his carpentry shop for extra security where he kept a spare bow and arrow and a phone with the police department on speed dial.
I basically had to live as if my life could be ended at any moment. One of my greatest fears was to die and end up a cautionary tale. I only survived due to either dumb luck or being physically stronger than my attackers. The latter of which is why I spent so much time in the gym as a teenager. By the time I was seventeen I was regularly bench pressing my own body weight 150 reps a day. My autism caused me to overdevelop in regards to neuromuscular efficiency, prioritizing that over fine motor control. It was necessary to survive. And I could read human biomechanics like a neurotypical person could read facial expressions. I was a natural fighter. I trained at the gym in weight lifting, cardio, and martial arts for up to five hours a day. Just to deal with my anger. Just to have a place where I felt safe.
I still struggle with PTSD to this day because of the abuse and violence I suffered as a kid. One of the only things that brings me any relief is swordsmanship. The sword is one of the few weapons I didn't train with during that time. It's a clean slate for me. I used to use any number of weapons in self-defense that I'd keep on me. Knives, staves, short clubs, whips, and more. I even once had to raise an axe in self-defense when I was fifteen when I was cornered. I'd been removing a small tree for a neighbor when I was ganged up on.
It just felt like it would never end.
I mean surely we all grew up feeling like there was a wrongness inherently deep inside us that will endure for the rest of our lives
#neurodivergent#actually autistic#complex ptsd#mental health#surviving abuse#hate crimes#ptsd#ableism
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⁝ WINNING YOU ➜ USHIJIMA WAKATOSHI 𝜗𝜚 five 𝜗𝜚
⨳ word count ; .8k (800)
⨳ content warning ; smau / profanity / written section / shiratorizawa winning again… / scared & anxious & WIMPY! reader (i say this with love) / TW: ushijima texts first / feelings realization.
right now, there are mere seconds before shiratorizawa academy's boys volleyball club walks through the gym doors that you have your eyes glued to. you're sitting on the bench - like you have been for awhile now - leg bouncing anxiously.
you don't know why you're so nervous. you've met the guy before - hell, you've run into him before! why is this so much more nerving than it was before you ran into him?
maybe it's because, now, he knows how much you ramble when given the chance. or, maybe it's because he's seen the way you text people. or, maybe it's because not only will he know who you are, but the rest of his team will as well.
you pull your bottom lip into your mouth and bite down, gnawing at the skin there - a nervous habit you've had since you were young, something you haven't been able to kick. kind of like your thoughts about ushijima.
sometimes, when you ought to be doing important things, like studying or writing things down on your clipboard, your mind drifts to ushijima. not anything specific, really. just him.
finally, you tear your eyes away from the door, over to yachi, who's doing the same thing as you, only her face is paler and her eyes are a bit wider. you have got to suggest some anxiety medicine to that girl.
"yacchan-"
"they're here!"
and then, it's almost like the world has started moving in slow motion. you can barely register turning your head to look at the opposing team walking through the doors. cheers erupt around you - kids from shiratorizawa that showed up earlier than the bus did. does shiratorizawa regularly allow student to leave class early for away-games?
you don't have to look for him because, of course, he's standing in the front, leading the other players to the court. and, of course, he's looking directly at you.
it takes everything in your body to move. on your face, a small smile forms and you bring a hand up to wave at him.
theres a flash of recognition that crosses his face, then, for a moment, you swear you can see him returning the small smile. he nods at you and you feel light-headed.
you feel your face heat up and you have to look away before you embarrass yourself. your eyes land on kiyoko, who's wearing an impressed look on her face. your eyes widen a fraction before she signals for you and yachi to stand up. you do, because who are you to not listen to kiyoko?
you do introductions with the other managers - a tradition that isn't really necessary, but is something every team does.
the game goes by in a blur. a jump here, a spike there. you should be ashamed of yourself, the way you don't pay attention to karasuno's score. the only thing you can seem to focus on is how ushijima's thighs strain against his shorts when he jumps.
"y/n," kiyoko says quietly from beside you, nudging your arm. she's smiling at you, but the smiles disappears in an instant. "you're drooling. close your mouth before a fly lands in it."
you clamp your mouth shut, eyes widening once again. "you're so mean, kiyoko!" you exclaim, crossing your arms over your chest. your eyes drift back to the court just in time to see shiratorizawa's setter score the last point, winning the last set and, in turn, winning the game.
"ah, crap," yachi mumbles nervously, pressing her lips into a thin line. "we lost to them. again."
you let out a sigh, brows pinching together. "well, that's okay. we'll..." you trail off and shake your head, effectively collecting yourself. "we'll get them next time! right, kiyoko?"
she doesn't say anything, just nods.
karasuno returns to the benches looking dejected - expected. a few boys on shiratorizawa are cheering, high-fiving each other - expected. ushijima starts walking over to the karasuno benches - what?!
"kiyoko," you say quietly. you can't take your eyes off of him. he's staring at you - peering into your soul. "kiyoko," you repeat again, this time emphasizing it with an elbow to her side.
finally, she looks over to where you're looking. "oh," she says simply. "well, that's- uh, is he walking towards you?"
"i don't-" you're starting to panic now. him acknowledging you before the game is one thing, actually talking to him is another. "oh, god. i- i have to pee!"
you drop your clipboard onto the bench and speed walk your way over to the girls bathroom. once your safely in a stall, you pull your legs up to your chest and let out a deep breath.
how are you meant to marry him if you just end up running away every time you talk to him?!
⨳ CHAPTER FIVE !! WOOHOO !!
⨳ finally some honest-to-god, traditional writing up in here 🙄 get this lady a computer and a matcha latte or somethin man
⨳ AND SO THEY MEET AGAIN !! … almost… (y/n is sellinggg)
⨳ taglist ; @heartmaddie @blueballslock @tespho @celestialm1nd @saintcosette @mjustag1rl @loveucad @savvvsch @frootloopscos @fridaenpina @matchagirliris @tsxkishimx @sunghoonsgfreal @tangerinelovr @pookalicious-hq @six-number1 @toorumaiwaifu @hohoshiumi @gumims
^ bold couldn’t be tagged :’(
#kawahearts#winning you!#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! x reader#haikyuu smau#haikyuu texts#haikyuu!! smau#haikyuu!! texts#ushijima#ushijima x reader#ushijima smau#ushijima texts#haikyuu ushijima#haikyuu!! ushijima#ushijima wakatoshi#ushijima wakatoshi x reader#ushijima wakatoshi smau#ushijima wakatoshi texts#haikyuu ushijima wakatoshi#haikyuu!! ushijima wakatoshi#ushijima wakatoshi smau series#ushijima drabble#ushijima wakatoshi drabble
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Off Schedule
[CCCC FIC] Contains: Platonic Soul, Heart and Mind, Pet regression, [~4,000 words]
Stressed petre!Mind + Caregivers Soul & Heart! From the request "s.so. so puppy mind after a stressful day with heart and soul as caregivers,," Mind can't complete its normal nightly schedule, and gets super stressed because of that... Luckily, Soul and later Heart help him relax :]
Fic under cut! or on AO3
It was hard to understate how much of Mind's, and really all three of their, mental state was linked to their physicality. Sometimes, this worked in his favor. Indeed, today was one of those days, at least, he'd thought it was.
If it tried to ignore all the strife and focus entirely on getting things done, it could set aside... most of the annoyances. His body was more machine than flesh at this point, and any phantom pains could easily be ignored for the Whole. He didn't want to disappoint his Soul [or his Heart], after all.
It wasn't thinking today was a good day now, curled up in bed, an hour before it'd regularly turn in for the night. He had started lagging earlier in the day, but had decided against slowing down his usual schedule; if he was feeling bad, that just meant the whole was having more intensive thoughts and needed him more than ever. Rest was not an option.
This had gotten him only though most of his routine, but, annoyingly, he couldn't get done with his last step. Every night, he'd read for about an hour before bed. This usually helped him wind-down and get relaxed and into the proper headspace, but his head was too scattered. That really was the last nail in the coffin.
He could stand an increased workload, the impending dread that something was Wrong, but his schedule... God, he didn't even know why he was so stressed out. He'd finished everything actually important, had finished everything that would actually help the three of them. The only thing he couldn't get to was some frivolous wind-down time, truly pathetic that that was what had done him in.
To add to this horrible mess, he couldn't even get to sleep. There was a buzzing under his skin, a restlessness he couldn't shake. He wanted to move. He also very much Didn't want to move.
A knock at his door startled him out of his curled up ball on his bed. He grunted an acknowledgement, hoping they wouldn't come in. He was... not presentable. He knew he'd probably be mean and unsociable, and that would just get so tiresome when it made the other, whoever it was on the other side of the door, inevitably got annoyed with him.
Apparently that wasn't enough for them, [figures, he was never enough.] because the door creaked open. It was Soul.
"Mind...?"
He turned away with a growl, hoping Soul would get the message. It was not in the mood.
"You okay man?"
Clearly, it didn't. Figures, Soul could never mind his own business.
"Yes. I'm... Fine." The words were slow and stilted, like it was pulling teeth.
Even without looking, he could tell his host was narrowing its eyes at him. The bed dipped with extra weight; Soul had sat down at the bed's foot. He was just getting ready to tell him to fuck off when he felt a hand reach over and settle on his forehead. Oh. Soul was in a touchy mood today. [Those were always nice days.] Maybe it could... wait a little bit, before kicking him out. Just a few moments, of course.
"Not too warm or hot... I guess, if you're sure you're fine, I could leave." Soul had become a bit of a worrywart in concord, caught up in attempting to make sure everything was running smoothly. Still, it backed off if one of them started getting snappy. a good call, because usually, Mind found the mother-henning kind of annoying [it was, after all, the one supposed to be keeping things in order. Any more than the base worry started feeling suffocating.]
Today, however... the idea didn't seem too bad. It was selfish to consider, because it knew it was liable to lash out like this. That wouldn't be a good ending for any of them, for Mind to snap at Soul only trying to help. Still, the temptation.
"No."
"You want me to leave?"
"No." It growled, frustrated with its inability to talk clear and the fact Soul misunderstood. God this was already getting it angry; this was definitely a bad idea.
It rolled over until it was back to facing Soul, squinting a bit at how light it was; his dear host had left the door open, and the hallway light was on. Annoying. Worth it though, because he could push against Soul's side, making it very clear he didn't want him to leave.
"Okay, okay, I get the message." Soul giggled. His hand gently carded through Mind's hair, "Think you could tell me what's wrong? Sick, tired, stressed-"
Mind nodded at the last one, careful not to dislodge Soul's hand, before contemplating for a second and holding up two fingers for the second option: he was also pretty tired. Soul's eyes softened a bit at that, drooping in the corners [reminding it of the portraits of Him Soul hadn't covered up].
"Want some help relaxing?" the words were a tad hesitant, and they were paired with gentle hands sliding behind his ears [something it leaned into easily. Again, touchy days were Always the best.] It didn't sound like it knew if it should be offering and it took Mind a moment to realize, exactly, what it was suggesting; usually he was the one asking, albeit awkwardly, if Soul could look after him while regressed. Even then, Mind hadn't really done it much...
It nodded, after a few silent moments weighing the pros and cons. It didn't have to talk, or make any decisions, or do any work, and it could just have Soul dote over it... it figured it had done enough productive work to earn itself some pampering. Probably. Maybe. Anyway, Soul was offering; to not take the opportunity would be... illogical.
Seeming satisfied with the confirmation, Soul pulled away. Before Mind could get snippy and whiney about it, he quickly explained himself, "just getting your stuff... unless you want to do it without it?"
That was logical enough, still a bummer though. It just huffed, "Fine."
His host rolled its eyes at him, but made quick work of sorting through Mind's drawers and pulling out its collar, along with its dog themed socks and gloves. He made a quick detour to the door to close it as well. [Much to Mind's gratitude. The room was now lit by a slightly dimmed light: pleasant.]
Mind didn't really have much he did with regression, so new to it; Soul easily kept track of everything it did, usually the one with him during. He was back in moments. Still, the sun took each item from its host to put on itself; it had already submitted itself to enough vulnerability, it could put on its own socks.
Now finally ready, and already feeling the tiniest bit better, it felt all the antsy-ness and over-energy come back with force. The buzzing underneath its skin was getting hard to ignore. He hoped Soul would be fine with a more playful session than usual.
"Now who's my good puppy?" Soul cooed hands reaching out to cup its face, like, well, one would do with a puppy. It wasn't really a puppy just yet, but the sweet words usually let it fall into it more easily. While definitely a tad embarrassed, it relaxed almost instantly into him. It knew it would feel great once the first little bump was gotten over. Just needed to let go a little [a Lot].
"Good boy!"
It shifted a little further into him, letting itself fall almost into his lap, nodding. Talking always got a bit hard like this, and it was already having a difficult time beforehand. That was fine though, his Soul was definitely expecting it.
"Want to play, or nap, Apollo?"
Oh the nickname was definitely the last straw; he was wholly in puppy-space now. It wanted to play, and it let him know with a playful yip and pushing its full weight into him; wrestling was always its favorite.
Not expecting the switch to such loud enthusiasm, Soul staggered a bit and nearly fell over when Mind bowled into him. He chuckled a little, hands gently pushing at its shoulders to get it off of him.
"Sorry puppy, I'm not the most into contact sports," he summonsed a chew-toy, characterized like all his summoned objects by a solid red color, "Wanna tug-a-war instead?"
Well, it wanted to wrestle, but... whatever; tug-a-war could probably be just as fun. Grabbing onto the toy, it gave a harsh tug.
With that, the game was on; Soul made sure not to pull too hard, not wanting to hurt Mind's jaw or teeth, but Mind had no such reservations. It growled around the toy, teeth sinking in further than it probably should let them. It could let out way more of that nervous energy it had had throughout the day like that though.
Soul didn't seem that happy with its disregard for propper safety, "Hey! Drop it boy, drop it."
Normally it would heed the call, it always adored the way Soul would coo soft praises when it did as he asked, but today it needed to get out these feelings. Shaking his head like a dog, it gave another sharp jerk at the toy. Its teeth hurt for a moment, probably why Soul let go.
Later it would recognize letting go as not an unsound decision, [Mind's jaw Had hurt for just a moment before Soul released the pressure, and it definitely would have hurt more if Soul Hadn't let go.] but in the moment it just went flying backwards and off the bed, hitting the floor with a loud thump and whine. The fall was onto carpet, and didn't even hurt that much, but the betrayal certainly did.
He heard a muffled "shit" overhead, but that was quickly ignored in favor of whining as loudly and pathetically as possible. This sucked, its back Kind of hurt, and Soul had just been incredibly horribly mean to it. That was such a mean way to win tug-a-war, cruel and unusual! Everyone in a fifty-foot radius Needed to know that. Immediately.
Soul was on the floor with him in an instant, cooing soft words and shushing gently, like that would earn him forgiveness for what he'd done. [It Did forgave him, but Soul didn't need to know that!] Its tantrum was definitely stressing Soul out more than the fall hurt it, but that serves him right! Being mean to a puppy is crime punished ten-fold.
It seems it’s wailing had gained it more than just Soul’s frantic attention; loud footsteps echoed from the hallway. Heart, probably, but in the minuscule off chance it wasn’t, it shoved itself right into Soul’s unprepared lap. He could make up for being so mean to it by protecting it from any monsters that may or may not exist. [That was definitely why he went into its lap, and not because Soul was very comfortable.]
The door creaked open yet again, and Heart peaked in. “Everything okay in here? I heard a thud and ah, a lot of noise.”
Soul was quick to answer, “ah, yes. Everything is fine. Mind just took a bit of a tumble.”
As if to accentuate this Mind let out a little whimper, needing Heart to know he was having the worst time in the world [or well- it was actually having a rather nice time, but it was ignoring that]. The moon would have sympathy, wouldn't he?
Heart seemed to need a second to realize what that sound was, and when he did he let out a little giggle. “Do we have a puppy in here?”
They didn’t wait for Soul’s “yeah” before going on, closing the door behind them. With a few directions from their host, he settled down on the floor beside the two of them. “Mind if I join you two?” The question seemed mostly in jest, Heart had already sat down next to the two of them, but there was an underlining genuinity.
Mind heard none of this, and was warring between two decisions: one, stay in Soul’s lap [rather awkward, because it hadn’t been prepared for him to just crawl on,] or jump at Heart and see if he wanted to play wrestle. Soul was very warm, and past a bit of squiring, pretty comfortable, and had even started giving it pets, but Heart would probably take him up on the offer of wrestling…
The two had moved on in conversation while it considered its options. Soul was answering a question it didn’t catch: “I really don’t know why he’s being so loud… the fall was pretty short. Do you think it might have landed wrong?”
Heart was making considering noises, but Mind was fuming. The two having conversation overhead didn’t bother it at all [it rather liked that they didn’t expect or need it to contribute] but Soul didn’t even know why it was mad at him?
That was definitely the last straw, and it wriggled out of Soul’s gentle hold to run into Heart. He didn't bowl them over, but that was only because Heart was a brick wall compared to Mind. There was a giggle, and large arms wrapped around it in a hug. It squirmed for a moment in the hold before leaning up to lick a stripe over Heart's cheek.
This very heartfelt show of affection earned him nothing but a few snickers and getting pushed back a little. Nobody here appreciated him as much as they should. Still, he stopped whining; Heart wasn't the one who let it fall off the bed, after all.
"I think Mind was just mad at you..." Heart said, shoulders shaking with silent laughter now that they'd figured Mind wasn't actually in any pain. "Was Soul being mean to you, puppy?"
"uhuh!" Mind agreed, easily. He wouldn't really say Soul was being Mean, per se. but he wanted to be mean back anyway. It usually didn't like talking like this, but it was going to make a small exception, just for this."B-bad at... playing."
It shoved its face right into Heart's chest now that it had spoken its piece, that was enough of that for now! His Heart didn't immediately react besides shift Mind into his lap more comfortably, face tucked into his neck. After a moment of adjustment, he was immediately on Mind's side; the way everyone Should be.
"Soul did you really fuck up playing so bad you made him mad at you? When he's like this?"
"Don't swear in front of it!" Soul, sidestepping the question, interjected.
There was a moment of silence, with the exception of the rhythmic thump of Mind's tail, before Heart burst out laughing. "You, my Soul-" He couldn't finish, giggling and wheezing way too hard. He tried again, "You censor yourself in front of Mind?"
[Mind knew Soul Tried, he was just very very bad at it. If he had any of the want to count he's sure its pretty high in the double digits, and they've only started doing this for a couple weeks at this point.]
"Yes! I do!"
"He's- He's still Mind. I don't think censoring swears will get it more into character either..." They considered it for a moment, like a thought had just occurred to them, "Unless you censor yourself in front of pets normally...?"
More silence, followed by breathless giggles. The sound made Mind want to laugh too, contagious. Soul didn't answer, turning away with a huff.
"Mind's not some delicate little thing like this, Soul." Heart said, turning his attention back to Mind. "isn't that right buddy? You're a big dog aren't you?"
Mind nodded against Heart's chest, giddy at the praise. It liked where this was going, quite a lot.
"Wanna show him how to really play?" His Heart gently shoved him off their lap and grinned down at it, sharp teeth on display. "Know you like wrestling, Apollo."
It lets out a happy yip, wasting no time in engaging in the fun. The two are grappling around the floor in moments, Soul's surprised yelp background noise.
Heart was always fun, never missing the opportunity to stress out Soul or let Mind have some more rough playtime. Not to say they were it’s favorite… just that, sometimes, maybe Mind preferred their treatment to Soul’s.
Like now! Tumbling about the carpet hit the exact itch Soul couldn’t. There was action, loud and aggressive, and it could really get its adrenaline pumping. Best yet, Mind could just let itself sink into it all without having to worry about things going south. The others would never hurt I a puppy, after all.
The thought brought on another wave of giddiness, and it threw its weight at Heart with rendered vigor, finally pinning him to the ground. Victory was his, at last!
Heart didn’t struggle much, a bit out of breath and mostly happy Mind seemed satisfied. At least, that's what it thought. “Ahh how terrible, to be bested by this awful beast…”
[Mind preened at that, for it Was an awe inspiring creature.]
His Hearts mouth turned into a sly little smile, before he was curling up with a lunge and grabbing Mind in a hug, warm and constricting, but not too tight. He laughed, big and loud and exaggeratedly evil, “or so you thought!”
It squeaked and squirmed and made a big show of Not wanting to be caught, but didn’t actually struggle too badly. Playtime had tired it out a little, and it was definitely not at 100% beforehand. Not a good mix for a puppy… Plus how awfully nice it was to be in Heart's arms? He didn't stand a chance.
Yawning, it let it’s chin hook over Heart’s shoulder, attempts to escape his arms short lived and abandoned. The moon was very very warm, one of the many things that made him such an appealing caretaker. How could it not adore someone so warm and snuggly.
There was a concerned noise behind it, and it could feel it’s ears perking up, trying to figure who it was. Soul, [obviously [there were only the three of them here, after all] but it liked having to puzzle it out. Smooth and angelic, with a hint of static, of course that was his Soul.] tinged with only a hint of worry, “was he too rough?” It asked him, before quickly changing gears to address Heart, “It looks tired.”
“It looked like it had too much energy when I got here, just tired it out enough for bed.” Heart’s easy response, self-assured. His grip tightened around Mind and he shifted it a little, like a man presenting a fish they’d caught, “worked like a charm!”
Mind only struggled a little bit at the handling, but rather liked it. There was just something so pleasant about being… a prize. Observed and adored and pampered like a treasure, but any contributions it offered were incidental to it, the machinations of another. Mind could just doze off in Heart’s arms and the soft cooing just came rolling in! It was living the dream.
Soul made a considering sound but didn’t fight him further. It tapped Mind’s shoulder to gain his attention. It to glanced back, eyes already half-lidded and tired from the adrenaline rush of its game ending so quickly.
“Mind…? Want to go to bed a puppy?” His hand was already hooked under its collar, ready to take it off. Usually the sessions weren’t so close to the time it turned in for the night [Mind liked having its before-sleep reading time], and it usually liked to get out of puppy-space an hour or two before bed. Soul probably assumed it wanted out before getting to sleep.
Mind growled, the sound at odds with its earlier good mood. What would have been a squeaky puppy growl on anyone else came out deep and crackling from the sun.
Soul pulled his hand back, palms free, “easy puppy! Was just a suggestion.” Heart was laughing at him.
Satisfied its point came across, it nodded. Going to bed actually did sound pretty nice right now…
Heart seemed to sense its thoughts, because he lifted it off the ground as he stood, gently setting it back on its bed. Like an evil creature that fed off of only suffering, however, he did Not crawl in bed with it.
Letting out a loud whine, it stared between Soul and Heart with a wide eye, glassy with what would be tears if it had any. It earned him a startled sound from Soul, “I thought you were enjoying cuddling with Heart…?” And Heart’s feigned resignation, “well… I guess I have too,”
It turned away from Heart with an annoyed huff. He should’ve been grateful and humble! Not resigned; Mind was a wonderful puppy, to cuddle with him was a gift, or a burden. Eyes drifting right over him to look at Soul instead, it gave a few paws at the air, tying to get him closer without Actually getting out of bed. He let out a laugh, a little indulgent, crawling in bed with it. "Fine, but only if you take off that collar. We don't want it poking you in your sleep, right?"
It huffed, annoyed at the fact Soul was right. Getting pricked in the neck by it's spiky, crown-shaped tag seemed like a recipe for discomfort though, so it presented its neck. Soul made quick work of removing the collar and it wasted no time in tucking itself into his side when he was done. Soul was still moving around a bit, putting the collar on the bedside table and getting comfortable in Mind's bed, but it was still nice.
"Am I still expected to join in?" Heart asked from behind, though he didn't sound too dejected anymore. "Or have I been rejected from the cuddle pile."
Mind considered shooing him away, but ultimately the idea of cuddling both its Heart and Soul sounded too nice. [And maybe.. it didn't like the idea of excluding its Heart from all the fun.] It made sure not to wriggle out of Soul's arms but it did wave him over with its free arm.
His Heart let out an amused sound, "Am I not even worth turning around for?" but crawled in bed beside it anyway, squishing it between themself and Soul. It arched its back a bit, so it could press against both its thirds, earning another amused noise and arms wrapping around it.
Its host didn't really cuddle back, but he did let it snuggle up against his side. His Heart, seeming to have discarded all his feigned reluctance, holding it close to his chest in a firm hug.
All in all, it was perfect. It almost forgot about what had stressed it out, tomorrow would probably be similarly difficult...It tucked itself closer, face shoved into the cook of Soul's neck.
This earned him a concerned coo from its host, "What's wrong buddy?"
Even after all that, it still wasn't in the mood for talking. It just shook its head, wanting to ignore the problem and focus on cuddling. Soul's hand lifted to its hair, lightly scratching its scalp. From behind, Heart cooed little comforts into its ear. The two working in tandem to distract it from its worry.
Soul could never leave well enough alone though, and asked anyway. "Was it what got you so stressed in the first place...?"
It nodded, hesitant. Soul probably wouldn't be dropping this unless it admitted that much, at least. His visible eye softened at that, "Don't worry about that. We can help you out with whatever it is tomorrow, okay?"
That actually sounded pretty nice... It didn't know how much help the two could actually be in the things it normally did, but even the knowledge that they would try was... appealing. Comforting. The thought of tomorrow didn't seem so stress inducing with the two of them around it.
It could feel itself relaxing back into their embrace, the stress lining its figure draining. Its eyes drooped further, the lack of worry and warm bodies around it making it difficult to stay awake. It tried to keep its eyes open though, it wanted to enjoy this. It wasn't common for the three of them to get together like this, warm and safe and without any argument.
One of them, and at this point it couldn't tell who, gently shushed it, "Go to sleep buddy, we'll be here tomorrow."
That was the last thing it heard before the world went dark, the need to rest winning out. Maybe... this wouldn't be the last time they did this.
#cccc#cj#chonny jash#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cj mind#cccc mind#cj heart#cccc heart#cj soul#cccc soul#petre#sfw petre#pet regression#sfw pet regression#jbird's art#jbird's fiction
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Anyway obviously theres not much info at the moment because its still two years out, but make sure to check regularly who will be running in you area in the 2026 midterm election. Start supporting and advocating for democrat campaigns as early as possible so we have a stronger chance of taking back congress and reducing damage in the second half of this presidential term. Or possibly even see if you can dig up and talk about dirt on the current republican candidates whose seats will be up in 2026. I'm sure they've got some very criticizable voting histories given the way most republicans have been behaving recently.
Also remember that Trump cannot run again but others like him can run so we really need to be addressing the issues with prejudice and fascism directly so get to reading, strategizing, and talking. The sooner we get to work the more successful we will be.
(And if one of you hops on with "there wont be anymore elections" I swear to fuck. We aint givin' up and acting like they're gone until the moment they are actually gone. At which point we do the thing Americans do best; use that second amendment right—whether its still on the books or not— and fight for our rights. Its not over till we're dead and we wont die quiet. Dont you dare give up or shut up until the fascists are pushed back into the shadows.)
#vote blue#us politics#us elections#vote democrat#please vote#us senate#us house of representatives#liberal
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Amazing question & I absolutely think they saw one another because there's stuff that suggests that they did. While I love the fanfic, the idea of a massive breakup that lasted decades between 1862 and 1941 goes against other stuff presented in the show already & doesn't sit right to me with these characters and what we've seen of their love and their history.
-The script book says that Crowley & Aziraphale haven't spoken "for a hundred years" in 1941 but that violates S1's canon because it would mean the early 1840s was the last time they spoke... but we saw them speak in 1862. So, it's already not literal-- it's the figure of speech use of "for a hundred years", which just means "for awhile." Script books aren't the final canon anyway as stuff can change from script to screen as production happens.
When someone says they haven't seen or spoken to someone "for a hundred years", it just means for what they consider to be a long time-- which is wildly subjective. For some people, that might be years. For others, it could be just too long by their own mutual standards.
So, the real question would be: how long is "for a hundred years" to Crowley and Aziraphale prior to 1941?
Other scenes we've already seen indicate that this is not very long at all:
-In 1601, the dialogue at the start of the scene indicates that, while Aziraphale picked the location, Crowley is the one who asked to meet. During the course of the scene, he and Aziraphale find out that they've both been assigned to Edinburgh the following week. While they both knew they each had been assigned there, neither of them knew that the other one had been assigned to Edinburgh... not until the conversation we watch unfold at The Globe Theatre. This means that setting up the one-of-them-doing-both-of-their-work-assignments thing-- that aspect of The Arrangement-- wasn't the reason why Crowley wanted to meet and wasn't what Aziraphale was thinking when he agreed to do so. So...
...since Crowley is the one who asked Aziraphale to meet, when he says this...
...he's saying that he found out he had to go to Scotland for a work assignment in a few days and messaged Aziraphale because he wanted to see him before he left for the trip. They both have assignments that are within the following/upcoming week, which means that they are seeing one another regularly enough by 1601 that finding out that one of them soon has to be away on Heaven or Hell business and might not be able to the other for even just a few days means wanting to see one another before they do.
-Then, Aziraphale's journal in 1827 is worded in such a way that, when you match it with the date Aziraphale writes, it is saying that Crowley was gone for less than a month after he was dragged to Hell in Edinburgh before Aziraphale next saw him again and Aziraphale considered that "quite some time" gone by without seeing him. So, in the 1800s, they are down to trying to see one another at least once a week, unless one of them is on assignment. They have the bookshop by this point so that makes sense, as it's a little easier to manage meeting-- which is one of the reasons why Aziraphale built the shop in the first place-- and while they are struggling a bit by 1862, they're still meeting up and still together.
In the 2008/2019/2023 in S1 & S2, they are seeing one another with the same frequency as they were in much of the 1800s and the few centuries prior to that, if not even more so. By S2, it appears to be daily with Crowley basically living in the shop, per Aziraphale's "plenty of use" comment. The bandstand breakup lasted, like, a couple of hours lol and Crowley was back at the bookshop within the same day as the argument over Gabriel in 2.01. The 1862 Holy Water Argument might have been a really bad divorce-- it could have lasted 3, maybe 4 whole days-- but they seem to be colossally bad at really breaking up with one another and that's very sweet.
I also think that saying that they broke up for decades after 1862 when Aziraphale knew that Crowley was depressed to a point that Aziraphale thought him potentially suicidal seems unlikely. Storming off in a huff in a fight, sure, but I just can't see Aziraphale thinking Crowley might be wanting to harm himself and then just not talking to him. I feel like they would have actually talked, agreed to disagree about holy water, and continued seeing one another for the decades that followed and I think there's enough already to suggest that that's what they did.
-Aziraphale wanting to dance with Crowley in S2 then retrospectively hints at him learning to gavotte with that idea in mind. That was the 1880s-- just 20-ish years after the holy water scene in 1862. If they were still broken up by then, why would Aziraphale be having romantic dreams about dancing with Crowley? Not to mention why have the 19th century euphemistic speak in The Meeting Ball? Yes, it was Jane Austen-centric and prior to 1827 but if the 1800s were a complete disaster for them after Edinburgh, it'd hardly be the most romantic thing to make that era a center point of a romantic night that we all know was designed more with Crowley in mind than Maggie and Nina.
-In 2008, Aziraphale mentions the dozen cases of Chateauneuf-de-Pape that he picked up in 1921 for their "special occasions." Why would Aziraphale be buying 144 bottles worth of wine for the two of them in 1921 if they weren't still seeing one another regularly? This is the very early 1920s and would then mean they were together in at least the 1910s, if not also prior to that.
-Maggie's great-grandmother & her shop in the 1920s... Plenty of theories exist about this but it's unlikely that Crowley doesn't have a role in this story. (He has a rather sizable role in this story if you are someone who thinks he and Aziraphale are Maggie's great-grandparents.) When you factor in the 1921 Chateauneuf-de-Pape purchase, it's even more likely that Crowley was around in the 1920s. Plus, Aziraphale was not missing flapper Crowley, ok? No argument would be worth that much. 😉
-The 1930s are mentioned in S2 twice in relation to Crowley & Aziraphale: Shax first hearing the rumor about them "80, 90 years ago", which puts it prior to 1941 in the 1930s, and Aziraphale referring to being licensed to drive The Bentley since the 1930s. Yeah, that scene is euphemistic as all holy hell lol but it's also a reference to Aziraphale being around when Crowley bought The Bentley in the 1930s and of course he was because can we even imagine Crowley getting that car and not immediately showing up to take Aziraphale for a ride in it? Aziraphale is also not surprised by The Bentley in 1941 (or Crowley's hat, which was also in style in the 1930s and which, based on how he kept leaving it on when alone with Aziraphale in Part 2, he wore that night because he knew Aziraphale was into it.)
-"A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square" was written & first performed in a bar in Le Lavandou, France in 1939. There are suggestions in a couple of places that Aziraphale might be the true lyricist in the Good Omens universe. It might be that what people are waiting to see happen with this song in 1941 is actually connected to 1939... which is only two years prior to 1941. It could be that we end up seeing not only a Part 3 to 1941 but also a 1939 scene that gives context to what of 1941 we've already seen.
The "hundred years ago" in 1941 could wind up being not more than a couple of months, or even less. That's especially true when you consider that nothing in the tone of 1941, Part One suggests that they haven't seen each other in decades-- the opposite is actually true.
If you go in the opposite direction, too, and look at the later time gap of 1967-2008? The gap in which the only things that exist so far seem to be the Disco Tony flashbacks? There's that Crowley's answering machine is from the early 1980s but we see in the 2019 present of S1 that Aziraphale has never heard it go to voicemail before. Crowley wouldn't have had a cell phone until sometime circa 2000-2004-ish so that's 20 years right there of not only Crowley always picking up within a few rings of Aziraphale calling him but likely with Aziraphale not having to call him that much at all because he saw him so frequently.
Add in the Into the Woods playbill mentioned in 2008 in 1.01 and the first night performance Crowley's referring to was in San Diego in 1986. (At that other Globe Theatre. 😊) The implication in the scene is that Crowley and Aziraphale were at that performance together, so that puts them as being together during the 1980s and suggests they just continued it through what we saw in 2008 and beyond.
They have ups and downs and disagreements and makeups like everyone else but there's likely enough already to suggest that they've never actually really stopped being together in secret with any real sense of permanence. They've had periods of depression and fasting a bit but they've never really left each other. They had an argument in 1862, not a break up. I think there's enough suggestion already to say that they saw one another through every year of at least the last few hundred years.
Good Omens season 3 finale movie thought of the day:
Do you think there was another time that the Ineffables saw each other between Crowley asking for holy water, and then saving Aziraphale at the church in 1941? If yes, do you think we’ll get a flashback to it in season 3? (Edit: again this was written weeks ago before the finale announcement and then queued. I do not think we’ll get this kind of flashback now) Or was that the last time they saw each other between those two moments?
Personally I think they caught up during the roaring twenties. Because honestly how could they not have.
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My baby brother checked up on me from the other side of the world yesterday (he persuaded me to turn on location sharing) and got hit with “Location: South Pacific Ocean”.
(I WAS on a boat, for any other concerned parties.)
#hello friends!#i am still here#just have spotty wifi at the moment#and a lot of things that need doing#but i will be back on more regularly at some point#even if it’s a bit less regular#rian chatter
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Lackadaisy Enrichment
#in our enclosures!!#video linked as source; which i'm glad to see already has a million views and is trending. That's Right#lackadaisy#WHICH i have been reading since at least '07 when i was thirteen my god b/c this animation is based on the ongoing webcomic#like does its influence show up Directly in some Discrete way i can point to in my art? not very easily probably. And Yet.#the inspiration....i wasn't able to be Regularly Only for at least another year / art done Nonprofessionally Online was novel to me#like wow ppl can make & post fanart of w/e they love huh....didn't know webcomics were a thing & i never really read that many since but.#good god the quality of Lackadaisy at its onset is like this is superb?? this person putting in all their talent and effort???#and Then you get years & years more art and i don't even know what superlatives to throw out abt its quality as it evolves. obsessed w/it..#if i see a new lackadaisy comic page i Will be acting out. obviously this animation is a delight & also stunning. and fascinating to also#juxtapose as a Translation / Interpretation of the comic in a different medium & standalone snippet of Story#and that we're not even quite there in the comic timeline; Taking Notes abt character info we get distilledly here....genuinely love like#take it back to '07 i'm like oh boy can't wait for the dream team to assemble. then a decade later when it did? Oh Boy. that is payoff lol#namely hooray for stitches and mudbug at the field office for every passing gangster. killing one marigold associate but not the other#which seems like a promising start to shootouts w/the other dream team triumvirate. i adore that in canon so far mordecai freckle & rocky#have met but only over a nice brunch. re: all intentions anyways. anyways i'm like Gifs Must Be Made while i'm also so riled afresh abt the#comic that i've been sooo hype for for over fifteen yrs now babeyyy Deservedly. i've done a couple of rereads & ought to do another....#For Interest it'd probably take a few sittings to catch up from the start but there is much to be engaged over....this ongoing story that's#historical fiction prohibition bootlegging cats with plenty of focus on characters & several Mysteries. which i'm better at parsing now lol#like one of the more recent rereads like Oh Of Course x (probably) accidentally killed his y & z took the fall & that's a binding secret...#Not [oh of course] abt the circumstances surrounding a's death & how b & c were involved. nor the ''what's marigold's damage'' mystery#which is great. love to not know things. love that we can readily follow all the emergent drama everyone's wading in nowadays. hell yeah#anyways admire my organized approach to gifs here. four shots each Expressions Atmosphere Action Groupshots#sure might've muddled through gifmaking for this anyways but fr being a huge lackadaisy comic enjoyer for now most of my life helps#and its very Overall Inspiration like. just really getting the [you can really just draw stuff out here] going. fr the art's detail & skill#and that enrichment like i'm gonna have a great time following this. And I Have#you don't expect a crowdfunded indie animation in the mix back then but hell yeah fellas#SIGH ok removing a 4th gif that's broken / not displayed despite reuploading then entirely remaking it. if it's a bug i'll try again later
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The fans: Ugh Sonic was just so preachy. I mean obviously he's supposed to be the good guy, so any uncomfortableness I feel here and any way I feel like Sonic's choices are framed as being why some other people have shitty lives is just bad writing because he is obviously supposed to be right always, but this characterization makes no sense. Isn't he right for the things he did?
Ian Flynn, using Kitsunami to say the (barely even at this point) quiet part even louder: Hey it's almost like ever since the Mr. Tinker event we've been purposely running with the critique of Sonic as being more selfish than he appears. Sonic is upholding a system of Eggman v Sonic that currently benefits him and shuts down talk of how to improve the current system because he likes his own personal enjoyment and he's attached enough to Eggman that he'd rather Eggman pretend to be a good person than be stuck in prison for life. He doesn't even quite practice what he preaches. We are trying to show that the current hero v villain system and Sonic's recklessness currently affects some people poorly and that Sonic isn't a perfect hero.
#fandom wank#sonic the hedgehog#idw sonic comics#idw sonic 2024 annual#2024 sonic annual spoilers#idw somic comic spoilers#idw sonic spoilers#idw 2024 sonic annual spoilers#i just be ramblin#god one of these days I need to commit to the sonic character essay#because you HAVE to be able to see Sonic as a multifaceted character that is surprisingly selfish and a bit self centered despite his image#as a good hero who is always right to understand what the writers for Sonic Prime and Idw Sonic are trying to do#The point is not that Sonic is secretly a bad guy or anything#the point is that we're already primed to assume that anything Sonic does is a good thing because he's a hero and protagonist of what is#considered a 'children's media'#And people who can see those moments in different games or properties times where Sonic isn't being so good as him actually not being so#good of a person are primed to explain it away as flaws of the writing or the genre at that time *because* Sonic's behavior is not said to#be bad or punished in those games#And become we're already primed to assume that Sonic is already the good guy who's making the best choices no matter what‚ it's supposed to#be shocking when the narrative takes a step back and gives a critique of this status quo by showing us the effects of it#But instead of having some sort of eye opening event or being willing to meet the narrative where it's at#99% of the people who post here got uncomfortable and just doubled down‚ saying that because these things are being pointed out and some of#Sonic's actions (that aren't even alien to the games)#are being framed in a not so good light‚ then it must not be purposeful. That it must be bad writing through and through and just bad#Sonic characterization#because for people who claim they want Sonic as a series to be deeper and more thought out they sure start to pearl clutch when they feel#like a property isn't being as shallow as the very same games they think kinda suck#anyways anyways sorry about the rant I'll get back to regularly scheduled posting after this#vent post
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now this is gonna sound really stupid and i need no one to call me stupid about it -> it turns out when u make food that is more than the bare minimum to be edible. ie make it a lil fancy w a lot of flavors and textures going on (scary to me <- autist). u want to eat it more. and even tho its more work. sometimes the prospect of eating something that actually tastes great is motivating enough to get u thru the work. and so conversely it is easier to keep up a consistent eating routine. bc ur not also constantly bailing on planned mediocre dinners to eat all ur backup stock of emergency instant meals.
#YOU KNOW. i mean most of u probably genuinely know. sometimes theres a delicate balance of.#u cut back u cut back u cut back so u can get stuff done despite the [disability] [lack of spoons] and u live in Bare Minimum Land#and then at some point u think abt adding stuff in and its like oh yeah i forgot i can do that. i forgot i can expend a little extra#effort. SOMETIMES. it doesnt always work which is why i never want to be called an idiot for playing it safe and minimum lol.#ive got. no one else doing this stuff for me. so i always want to make sure i have enough budgeted energy for stuff like. eating#once a day at least. lol. lolllllllll. is that enough justifying myself. ive been eating okay lately. even w the diet change. and its nice#altho also eating more regularly means i actually go thru my bought food quicker means i have to buy more. 'SPENSIVE. in 2024
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you ever just wish you could start your life over as easy as it is to in minecraft.
#pire.txt#I'm looking at my passwords document that I've had since forever#my youtube gmail name was made when I was like 11#I have a hundred different accounts on different websites some are necessary some aren't#I want to change all my passwords not just because that's what you're supposed to do regularly anyway#but I was recently convinced by that one xkcd about using a string of words you can remember instead of random gibberish you can't#and in doing so I can 1. not rely on password managers like firefox and my phone (which is google I think) and write it on physical paper#and 2. actually memorize the more commonly used ones probably#additionally I want to change the emails associated with all the accounts- or at least the ones I care about- to a completely new address#that isn't absolutely flooded with spam since I was 12#and maybe create a few email addresses so theres like a professional/personal ones that use my real name#and then a throwaway for the accounts that I don't give a shit about after their confirmation emails after I sign up#which I started doing at one point but didn't actually solve the problem since my original email was still flooding with spam#and every time I open my password manager I just want to go do literally anything else#like go play minecraft#but minecraft has gone through like 4 different content updates since I last played#which means even if I went back to my old server they've probably done a few season wipes of the map by now#I'd be starting fresh and honestly this account mess would be so much easier to handle if I could just restart the whole process completely#Why couldn't I have just done it right from the start?#[new world]
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goddammit tumblr's going to convince me to rewatch/finish watching House isn't it???
#it was on air more or less when I was in middle school#and I watched it regularly but then fell out of it at some point I guess because of other interests#it's been months of a slowly creeping sense of I will go back to that damn show and idek that I want to but the pull is getting too strong
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Randomly remembered the half-reason i call my oc-verse by the name it has while laying in bed. One-half of the reason i still knew, but I had forgotten what had truly, really cemented it jointly until now
(it was a song from my favourite band I haven't listened to in a while.)
(the song fit so well at the time, still does, that i needed to hold onto it for the main protagonists forever, by partially naming their story in reference.)
Does this explanation make any sense? Does anyone know why I'm tearing up remembering this. Aahh
#(I'm emotional because I've been feeling bad about it all lately. enjoying things I make I mean—art or ocs or frivilous things.)#(So remembering that song and when it came out. That I couldn't see them in person. But i held onto it my own way. As something I loved)#(Something I still do love a lot... Parts of me saying no—you don't hate it. No. I'll help you remember more. I'm a little misty about it.)#The song is just The Killers - Run For Cover. I couldn't see them in person all those years ago—family went without me.#All my new oc rework with Zin and Hunter and Caia were like a year old or so.#It's a little silly. But the character Zin's derived from was a lightning mage so I stuck to it—I like monhun's zinogre for what its worth#So there's recurring theme and imagery. Thunder's not lightning but the sound and the feeling after the flash the flame and strike.#There's that meaningful thought—the story is the aftermath of a big tragedy. It matches what I like in monsters and other chars.#And at that time—my favourite band I missed out on puts out a really good song I download everywhere and it goes like:#He motioned me to the sky/ I heard heaven and thunder cry/ Run for cover/ Run while you can baby don't look back/ You gotta run for cover#And it goes on of course. The rest of the song's still really good. There's more that fits but point is; More evocative imagery.#So there. Why my bundle of OCs—Zinadia Hunter and Caia's story—is called Thunder 20XX. minus the 20XX. That's tongue-in-cheek#About some day I'll manage to make something tangeable or broadly shareable with them. I guarentee this century!#Thunder... oh my darling Thunder. Eight years man. More than that if I really want to count pre-rework INTO the complete original work. but#I like that it's definably 8. I like that I remembered I've always loved them a lot. Always been my thing to lean on even by name...#I need to get to sleep. Ive gotten a little more emotional over one song than I'd rather regularly be. Give it a listen maybe? Goodnight#Armour clanking#I need an oc tag#What have you gathered to report to your progenitors?🎶Are your excuses any better than your senator's🎶He held a conference#and his wife was standing by his side🎶He did her dirty but no-one died🎶#I saw Sonny Liston on the street last-night black-fisted and strong singing🎶Redemption song🎶#He motioned me to the sky🎶I heard heaven and thunder cry🎶RUN FOR COVER#What are you waiting for—a kiss or an apology?🎶You think by now you'd have an A in toxicology🎶#It's hard to pack the car when all you do is shame us🎶Even harder when the dirtbag's famous🎶#I saw my mother on the street last night all pretty and strong singin🎶The road is long🎶#I said 'Mama I know you tried!'🎶But she fell on her knees and cried🎶RUN FOR COVER#Just run for cover - you've got nothin left to lose...
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like ronnies wuest is ALSO really really good but you basically get to say to her everything i wanted to say. about it not being her fault and about how much i love her and want her to be free and live her own life and not tie herself to a sinking ship forever. girl i love you sometimes your family is determined to wallow in the mud but YOU dont have to. but like you get to tell her that straight up. the combo of not getting to say everything i want to say + arcade LEAVING ME FOREVER. SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW WOULD HAPPEN. just leaves me with this big aching arcade gannon shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled by anything else as long as i am on this earth. i get to go back to my apartment every night and go HONEY IM HOME and kiss veronica on the mouth. i wont see arcade again for months and months and months of in game time. and i miss him dearly.
#this is very immersive becayse of how i set up dannie and arcades relationship#ie: hes been someone shes known since she was a kid and pretty regularly would run away from home#and at some point made freeside her hangout spot when she was on the run. and would bother the followers. so in my mind#arcade (who i think would be ~10 years older?) would kind of be her tutor and just generally a weird older brother figure#and then one of the times she gets dragged back home by the hair she just never comes back#yk until a few years pass and she gets shot in the head#so i think arcade is someone she thinks about often during that time where she doesnt go back to vegas. and i imagine hed think about her o#occassion. yk like wondering what ever happened to her. probably assuming that shed died young.#so i think itd be very sweet when shes doing quest stuff and rolls back up to freeside for the first time since she was like 15-17ish#so its been like 8-10 years at that point. so i think itd be a nice little reunion#and also like WOW. that weird scrawny kid you used to tutor is huge and badass now#i think a lot about them getting to know each other again and just chatting while hiking around or making camp#and i think as things progress dannie really starts to rely on him more as she feels in over her head vis a vis the fate of vegas#and in her mind arcade is like. the worlds greatest person. so he must know the right decision. so i think she would ask him for reassuranc#or just for his take on the Political Situation a lot#(immersive because i got REALLY scared after killing house i was considering reloading a save. and i asked arcade just on a whim. and he#said he thought i was making the best possible choice. and it made me feel so much better and less scared)#anyways. i think she thinks the world of him. not very many people have been nice to her in her life and arcade is a little bitchy but his#heart is full of love. i do think they have a very sibling-ey dynamic#so i do think once he leaves. she would miss him agonizingly bad#she would catch herself turning around before big decisions like 'arcade what do you think - oh.'#and i think shed kind of retreat into herself without him there. very quiet. very uncertain of what shes doing.#🏜️#<- for the tags.
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another thing I wish cis people would understand is that I include she/her in my “all pronouns” so that people can use it in a fun eccentric effeminate way. not so that they have a set of pronouns they can default to because it feels most comfortable to them based on how they perceive me.
#this is probably one of the things I struggle most with in this pronoun situation#because I pitched it to everyone as ‘I don’t care you don’t have to change anything about how you address me this is just another way to’#when now I look back and realize that was 90% intended to cater to other people in order to not make it too ‘inconvenient’ to them#to my friends who regularly switch up my pronouns: I love you beyond words#you understood me without me even having to tell you#you saw right through that excuse I made to myself and to everyone else#now will I do anything about it? probably not#not yet at least#but I have to admit it to myself at some point and that point is now#that’s the thing about not caring. so often it’s just a guise for something you’re afraid to admit#and some people don’t care about pronouns which I think is cool and sexy#but more and more often I think that’s not true about me no matter how much I once felt that way#gender#mine
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Sometimes playing the trumpet just feels so good and i remember. ah. this is why i still play it
#ahhh sometimes people ask me. but do you even like playing the trumpet??#bc im always complaining when i have music#and honestly i dont even know what to answer bc honestly its usually more like i dont dislike it enough to change my life to stop playing it#like i feel like stopping playing it would be more of an active choice than ppl think just bc of how much its ingrained in my head#bc like ive been playing the trumpet since i was 6 i quite literally dont remember what life without playing the trumpet semi regularly is#but then there are days like today where every note feels so good and so easy and im like#omgg so THIS is why i never decided to stop playing back then#because like every single note i play feels like its sounding perfectly and it feels super easy#and ahh i wish everyone could feel like that at some point in their lives#anyways life is good again the world is beautiful and i dont even care that i barely play anything in the fucking barber of seville#mine#trumpet#music#life
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I wish there was a way you could put like. every song in the world on shuffle
#spotify playlists made for you are not enough#bc they're based on music i already like and i don't Wanna Hear Music I Already Like#god i need a hyperfixation that is Stable and also New (not a revival of one I've had since I was 16)#bc they introduce me to music i wouldn't have even thought of ever going near#not to compare everything to the highs of my tflu obsession but like?#that introduced me to So Much Music (some related. some not)#i probably listened to more genres in 2022 than i have ever listened to in my life#but idk. i could just listen to some random genre i have no interest in but what would be the point?#there needs to be a sort of 'hilda would've liked this in the 40s' 'this reminds me of swagtre' 'this is literally the plot of nddp' etc#sort of connection#but all i have right now is the endless cycling continuation of the south park obsession i had in 2016. which makes it very easy to just#listened to the music i listened to back then#also it's like. I've seen everything in that fandom there's nothing new i can really get out of it?#it's more just a mix of nostalgia and it's like. easy to get into bc idk. a lot of characters and storylines so you don't get bored in one#place for so long. almost the perfect obsession if it wasn't literally South Park#but surely i can just type in a character's name on spotify and find new music that way?#hahaha No#bc every single sp playlist I've looked through only seems to use like the same 10 songs. and i don't really like any of them#also 'he would not fucking say that' except it's 'he would not fucking listen to that'#most of the time. idk#i need new Vibes that's the problem#there's always a new vibe going on at all times but it seems to have stopped around the start of this year#maybe i just need a job. once i have a job there'll be a location i go to regularly. and I'll have to travel there in some way. and that#will be a new experience. and there'll be new vibes#I'll probably stumble across a new hyperfixation in the process. and then find new music from it#but for now everything is so stagnant and all i really listen to is 80s/90s indie pop and then just music i've listened to since I was 14#i can't even ask for recommendations bc even if i like a song it has nothing to stick to in my brain#i'll be like ''this is a cool song i like it'' and listen to it on repeat and then go off it like a day later#oh fuck tag limit#ramble
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