#but i think thats an isolated issue
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Hey guy’s, so I forgor to post my story on here whenever i get motivation to write about Minecraft men, so Im just doing it right now. :)
#fanfiction#fanfic#this story was inspired by a whole bunch of different fics#but the main two are in the inspired works part at begining. <3#superhero au#except he is a vigilante AND a villain.#havent gotten to that part of the story yet though#different charachters include#tommy innit#the main character#niki nihachu#captain puffy#The godesses#tubbo#ranboo#dream#foolish gamers#theyve only shown up in person once and im not sure if i want to bring them up again#wilbur fucking died in here#lmao#other characters will come‚ I just dont want any spoilers.#also‚#beeduo#not really stated#and also ive done every ‘romantic’ thing that theyve done with my best friend#so it can also be platonic#i havent ran away from the foster care system and lived together with them for years#but i think thats an isolated issue
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I always think well if I dated a man, I wouldn't feel as insane. I wouldn't feel so awful or jealous. And then I remember why I came to the conclusion that I'm a lesbian. I just wouldn't care if it were a man. I just can't bring myself to care about men like that 😔😩😭
#personal#I've definitely been like oh hes paying attention to another girl thats a shame :((( about it like damn you were supposed to pine for me#forever and ever#but its never like I'm going to kill someone over it. I don't feel sick about it. I don't feel bone crushing sorrow#😭😔#but I feel like maybe I experience comphet a tad? because I look at cute couples like jenna and julien#or jessi and ty and wish to have that. like i want what they have so bad but also that will never be me because im gay#i wish there was more lesbian and gay rep in media#god does not LIKE ME . he said here is. bad parents who hate you. here is bpd and other undiagnosed issues#and other undiagnosed issues that were probably half the reason you felt so isolated in your high school experience. thanks to bad parents#here is 🩷 COMPHET!!!!!!!!!!@@ you're actually GAY and those boys you were crazy for? yeah . they were cute and all but thats IT#NO emotional connection!!!! none at ALL!!!!! 😍😍😍 you also don't feel sexually attracted to them either ♡#but what DO i feel for men?? just comphet? I feel something I think but its not love. its not a craving . its like#I want to be worshipped by a man and then tell him no 🩷 i want nothing to do with you but you should like me actually#??????????????????#does that make me a bad person? do I care if it does? I mean
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Ohhh I am trying so hard not to get mad at people online you have to believe me but that post about bloodborne liking women is driving me a little bit crazy not gonna lie. We can all so clearly see and point out misogyny in ds (um. Im hoping at least) so why can't we ever do it in bloodborne? Even though its the same people? What about bloodborne makes you think theyre feminists all of a sudden. Because it talks about women? Okay, but that's not how that works, a work that disregards women is misogynistic, that much everyone knows, but a work that does talk about women but portray them in a weird light can also very much be. Also whenever people say bloodborne is about women or femininity, a huge chunk of the time what they mean is bloodborne is about motherhood and pregnancy. Which is true, but thats... Not what womanhood is thats not what women are about you can't just reduce women as a concept to birth. And motherhood. And being caretakers. Almost every woman in bloodborne has less agency than their men counterparts, most of them are more strongly abused, shown as complacent and weak and only exist to serve. Even maria has no agency and is constantly driven back to the fact she was gman's apprentice and following he and laurence's orders. She has little identity outside of them in written down ingame lore and the one time she did something outside of them, is the one time she became a caretaker (because all women are it seems). The fact the og lady maria npc even exists is even worse on that part. I'm using her as an example because shes the one people most often take as an example of bb being good about women (look theres a strong female character!) but it's obviously much more than just her, just look at arianna and adella for more than one second. The only npcs i can think of that i would consider Actually Good And Normal About Women are eileen and fauxsefka. And i mean actual npcs im not counting bosses that we dont know much about on a personal level (like rom and amelia)
What I'm trying to say is, i think it's awesome when people have feminist interpretations of bloodborne and i think its a good thing to take those female characters for yourself and its a good thing to make the game as transgender and gay as you want it to be, and its perfect soil for that too, i do it all the time and find many many themes in it by myself, but we can't keep lying to ourselves that it was any good at it on its own. It's soulsborne for fuck's sake it has Always been Really Weird about women and minorities just look at ds look at firekeepers and gwyndolin and many other examples. Bloodborne isnt exempt from that just because men are writing about pregnancy as horror.
#i swear i say this every month but like i feel strongly about this#slsborne isnt 'inherently gay' WE made it#and thats a compliment to us and not the writers#the writers did not intend to make it as gay & trans & feminist as we interpreted it#that much is very clear to me#its completely ok and awesome to celebrate bb as like trans culture and whatnot#i do that too im always talking about how its an extremely trans game#but we have to remember its because we saw ourselves in it and made it so not because the writers made it so#miyazaki is absolutely not a feminist icon or whatever#theres always more i have to say about this but i cant ever figure out how to word it#the thing is the way women are in this game are fine if they were isolated cases#but its the fact that they almost all are Like That that makes it bad#cuz believe me i love women with issues and women that r horrible people and women that are doomed to have no agency#i think theyre always the most interesting characters. but thats in cases where its not All Of Them#when its All Of Them that r like that it says something abt the writers more than anything#my worst curse is that i badly love female characters that are forced to be serviceable#im the blood saints fan im the firekeepers fan. but i see and know how absolutely fucking shitty of a trope they are#bc they dont exist in a vaccuum
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the dark evil wizards have afflicted me with a hyperspecific interpretation of killuas "moral conflict" which leaves a lot of fan content that tries to engage with it unsatisfying. a wicked and foul hex indeed
#sometimes i feel mean for it too bc like on the surface whenever i try to articulate it. it feels like a Less Charitable reading of him#yk#but like im just being fr. i think people think killua gaf abt murder more than he rlly does. its why i cant get into the 99 version of him#& when i say that i mean the whole. feeling megaguilt over killing ppl and thinking Thats the reason why hes a terrible person#like thats his previous job. may as well have been a 9-5 he dont care. the self-hatred comes from ingroup trait prescription#the zoldycks manipulation is mostly about isolation & control so a lotta killuas issues are with social categorization and feeling powerful#at least to me yk its wayyy more about like. how the outgroup perceives him. more than any moral gripe with killing#he hates the alienation it makes him feel small and out of control. the only way he knew how to regain power was thru violence#and he re-encounters this issue when the needle starts acting up in front of ppl he cant just step on & violence stops even being an Option#most of killuas growth is learning that there are Other Options. other things that can & will make him feel better & wont get him shunned#likeeee this is most of why he likes gon so much at first. bc gon dont rlly gaf in a way that makes him part of the defined outgroup either#therefore he was super accessible to killua when he hadnt yet understood that making friends kinda means hes gonna have to conform a little#very little kid way of thinking. which works out cuz hes 11 lmfao#heliichats
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"greely is a powerful warrior against the phantoms ... they fear him most of all because he is so much like them" i think i should throw rocks at him
#out of love he just drives me insane#craziest guy to ever exist oh my god wbats his problem whats his ISSUE i havent stopped thinking about this for so long#they fear him most of all because he is so much like them. ohhhh ohhh aauuuuu#i love an old man thats so isolated from everyone
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the last time i felt emotionally fulfilled in a friendship was when i was 15, and before that when i was 13. im turning 21 next month
#my current close friends are really great but my depression gets in the way and it's really hard to tell them about my feelings lol#so i basically make my chronic loneliness worse by distancing myself and isolating etc#they still like me though... weirdly#well probably bc we're all mentally and emotionally unwell! we get one another's issues#but i cant bring myself to say a lot of things i would otherwise want to... since i feel so misunderstood#even when i have tried to talk about things they just dont process them the way im hoping they will#and it's not their fault!!! it's my fault for expecting someone to understand exactly what im saying when i say it#i almost always find words for things. i describe them in detail. and i think thats where things get too unique and too confusing actually#so they cant personally understand#like i said. not their fault!#i just miss this one friend i had briefly in 8th grade#i was getting outcasted from everyone in my own class. she was in the classroom next door#i don't remember how we crossed paths but we did and she was so smart and so understanding#and we just clicked#i remember running in a field with her. she was so.. everything#i miss her#and when i was 15 i remember talking about all of my mental issues with this classmate and we immediately saw each other as mirror images#it was crazy... we also had a lot of interests in common and we looked out for each other#she's doing a lot better nowadays which is why we're no longer in contact probably#it's hard to be friends when one of you is stuck in one place so i dont really blame her#we drifted apart anyway. i bet if i asked she'd still make time for me a few times a year#i just didnt ask because it felt like the mutual understanding we had ended#shes a different person now. and for the better too! i shouldn't interfere in her happiness#z.post
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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decided Wren and their world's version of Elle had a kinda toxic romantic/horny fling during that campaign's timeskip - excerpt from the thing i'm writing for it under the cut
(idk if this getting posted anywhere since it is uh. definitely smut. and i don't have anywhere to appropriately and comfortably post that atm. but mostly just using it to practice writing again and i liked this little bit so sharing it hehe)
#my writing#my ocs#elle southorn#wren macgowan#the bit of their dynamic is that wren's been isolated from their friends for a year (and will be for 5 total) for campaign reasons#and starts to develop anger issues and this sense of helplessness that they channel into doing Big Violence as a mercenary#and they help this world's elle to kill her abusive uncle - which isolates her from her family bc his manipulation of them ran DEEP#so she ends up joining with wren and they become a pretty effective merc duo but elle very much encourages and eggs on wren's violent#tendencies bc it gets them money from all the jobs they handle and she thinks its hot as fuck to see them swing a sword so Hard like that#and wren kinda latches onto her as a substitute support system and projects their previous bonds with their friends onto her#and eventually that culminates in them doing the Big Nasty Sloppy Style and Often while developing Feelings#which then leads to wren letting her in on What's Going On with Plot Things from the campaign#and she fuckin splits bc thats all way too much for her and she doesnt wanna get involved in it if she can avoid it#leaving wren alone again with all That baggage AND the previous baggage they have to work through (which they are now post-timeskip)#how successfully they work through it is mostly up to how the rest of the campaign goes and how other characters react and deal with them#i have brainworms about them
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spent 4 days straight with my honey and thus confirmed to myself that I'm not a horrible evil monster filled with negative energy and my exes were in fact just annoying as hell
#barks#didn't get annoyed by him a single time#like obvi people will annoy each other when dating#but the sheer amount of annoyance i experienced in my last 2 relationships felt over the top#i had to isolate myself from them bc they literally triggered my anger issues just by existing#we just didnt mesh ig#chris is chatty and talks a lot but not in a way thats fucking obnoxious#he actually lets others get a word in#and the things he says have substance and purpose hes not just talking to hear himself talk#and hes not. dumb#like he is very intelligent i feel like we can talk about deep serious topics and hes not a complete dumbass about it#idk i thought i was evil or sumn for a while bc i literally just couldnt stand to spend that much time around my last 2 exes#but i think they were both fr just annoying people
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also yall know that thing about how people with adhd will forget you exist if they don't see you, that is very true on my end.
#i am impulsive with my words and don't really take all the time the impact they could have#never want to be rude or offensive in anyway but sometime i am#i value my experiences over other people to much and need to just close that part of me when interacting with people with different lives#i got a bias towards lighter skinned black folks but not in the way that you'd think#i view the struggles of not being black enough or really poc enough as nothing serious sometimes which isn't great and i gotta work on that#like my reasoning behind it is because i have always been to dark to black my hairs not good my i'm inferior because of my brown skin#the amount of colorism i faced growing up from adults reading oh i'm not black enough people called me white looking always read to me as a#brag in a way like its not but it sometimes feels like that especially living in the states were looking less like the ethnic group you are#in is the standard of beauty#its fuck up i read the colorism that lighter skinned folks face as something good its self hatred#plus another part of me sits and gets mad for them like fuck you for trying to denying my hertiage and the shit i have faced because i'm no#dark enough or the struggles i face isn't as bad as you've experience.#i only really take issue with the i'm not poc enough or someone called me white because shit i wish thats what i got instead of being calle#monkey or burnt or made to feel ugly because of my skin or not family because i wasn't the same color as my dad or mom#can't be putting my shit onto people#its not right and its unhealthy#something i gotta work on#will say though i was called white growing up for speaking a certain way and liking rock music and not being black enough in personality bu#i can't imagine how that must feel because of just how you look#i felt isolated from my peers for alot of reason but having my appearance being so upfront in that is different and i feel for my#lighter skinned peeps. i got alot of shit from adults on my skin tone than my actual peers thankfully.
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wanted to do a little mini study of my dnd characters, so heres a snippet of their morning routines and what they mean! a glimpse into their individual issues if you will. (+ what their handwriting is somewhat like)
#my art#dnd#dnd character#listen i havent played any of them but kul but its a need to have a couple premade characters for a back up or a spontaneous game#ok lets see#zanaroe folkore#shes too paranoid and runs from anything familiar. ideally doesnt stay in the same town for more than at MOST a week#eira of alcyoneus#eira overworks herself. its a distraction and man does she really just need to face the issue head on#cosmia#ive figured out cosmia btw. the isolation of his home town has warped his gods image so bad that the god no longer responds to prayers or-#gives any magic cause theyre technically not asking her. its this morphed almost her that is so morphed its not her#on one hand thats bad cause shes not giving magic anymore but on the other shes actually an evil god? so it kinda balances out#kor#oh kor. you think that being helpful and perfect will mean that you wont be forgotten.#polish#oh babey is always waiting for others.#kul#and kul! as for kul- no i shant
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have no real desire to replay star allies’s main story mode but i do wanna rewatch some cutscenes to refresh myself on the mage sisters dynamic and hyness bc ive been thinking about my “magolor was also raised by hyness alongside the mage sisters” hc/au
#estranged brother they dont talk about anymore bc he got out of the cult basically#i think the way he took in magolor was very different from the sisters. while he got the sisters when they were all desperate#and on the brink of death i think he took in magolor as a baby#while the sisters are not jambandran or halcandran. magolor is clearly a halcandran descendant and boy does hyness project that onto him#*projects his beef with the halcandrans onto mag#and this is why despite the ancients/halcandrans being more invested in technology#their descendant magolor is a mage who has religious connotations with his story#(ik the jambandran religion doesnt reflect christianity at all but still)#basically bc thats what he was actually raised with. nature vs nurture and all that#and i think thats like part of where his fucked up views on relationships come from too bc hyness was definitely hard on him#and hyness's relationship w the sisters was canonically very fucked up and forced and born through manipulation#and i think hyness actually would have thrown him out instead of mag leaving of his own accord#(bc mag was obsessed with his ancestors and wanted to be like them and that pissed hyness off)#i also think that like mag was treated harshly and when he left zan was the one to get the worst of hyness's abuse#bc the roles shifted and now shes the one being isolated and forced to depend only on his religion and devotion#(can u tell im not a fan of how hyness was canonically handled. im leaning into him being a literal cult leader in my head lol)#bc textually thats just what he is and im kinda miffed that the dlc just glosses over it w ''oh he was nice at some point tho''#why were ppl comparing magolor to lusamine when hyness is the one who actually has the same writing issues as her#anyways tho back to mag. yeah hyness shaped his worldviews and shit#oh my god wait i could also say that part of magolor's robe is based off of hyness's look#and how magolor basically puts his face on everything#and you can take two things from that. one is that hyness perhaps forced it onto him to the point where mag keeps that part of the robe#even after hes been kicked out. and him losing that part of it in his dream robe design is him finally moving on from him#and the alternative is that magolor added that to his robe out of spite bc iirc hyness does not like his face#and magolor was like ''well ok fuck you dad''#which makes him putting his face on everything even funnier hes like advertising his dads face kinda#echoed voice
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Daigo has so many genuine connections, all these people who would stand by him regardless of if Tojo still exists. It just sort of feels like it plays to the way Masato is just chronically blind to the love around him and the strength of Ichiban's whole thing and surrounds himself purely with transactional relationships. It's the way Mine viewed the world before he met Daigo, but Masato is purposefully cultivating this environment around himself. Masato HAD those bonds where Mine didn't, but Masato's "those who use and those who are used" still feels like a worse distillation of Mine's philosophy, or at least that the two rhyme even if they aren't the same. Daigo originally defying Mine's worldview led to a longing to understand it and be a part of it; Daigo defying Masato's would probably just lead to more seething lol. Tojo going away, not only is just 'oops daigo already planned on that' robbing Masato of the satisfaction, idk it just further highlights that without being wrapped up in the status of Chair that these people are still with Daigo. Aoki bought his connections through lies and money and destroyed the only ones he sincerely had by following "use or be use" to its end, but Daigo could just fuck off anywhere he wanted and still have not just friendship but as Masato might see it absolute loyalty (esp in a Mine lives scenario; Aoki's lil pet bastard Kume's devotion is absolutely a speck vs **Mine** ). Both Aoki and Daigo can lose their positions of power, but its only Masato who feels like he's lost everything. sdfklfsjld idk goodbye anyway the brainrot is strong please keep going I'm here for every second
OK BUT LIKE. ALL OF THIS. ABOVE MY FIREPLACE AND FRAMED
the note bout mine and masato's worldviews IS SUCH an interesting point too: in essence they both believed the same thing (genuine bonds are a myth and people only use each other), it was just that mine held onto the small hope that he'd be wrong one day. by the time daigo does prove him wrong, he's almost automatically willing to accept it. his problem is that he became so attached to daigo that when the possibility of him being taken away became real, he went off the deep end
in masato's case. Lord he's a field day to explore psychologically maybe in another post, but he did have those bonds mine wanted so earnestly for more than half his life, exactly. ever since arakawa saved him- hell, even after sawashiro realized the life he inflicted upon him, masato was showered with nothing but love from the arakawa family. it's a wonder that despite that fact, masato still insisted he was neglected and alone. settling for relationships he knew were fake and for the most part temporary, he wanted to protect himself- he didn't want to be attached and become hurt and vulnerable again
it really is a cruel twist for masato and daigo and how they end up: despite daigo actually having grown up alone, that didn't stop him from having a warm and inviting attitude towards people and giving him a sizable amount of people who'd follow him to the ends of the earth. inversely, masato had become greedy and wanted more adoration, even if it was superficial or surface level.
#long post#fave#y7 spoilers#spoilers#snap chats#god i wish i was better at using WORDS to express myself better so just imagine im eating fiberglass rn thanks#its also grossly ironic how both aoki and daigo become threatened by their most loyal followers for different reasons#mine let his love become lethal meanwhile kume only cared about aoki for his policies#funny how that happens huh. Mine Get Help Challenge you made me compare you to kume mine im so sorry ily#but GOD yeah i could definitely see masato getting pissed at daigo for being his defying worldview#i lie when i say Why Did Masato Reject The Love He Had because unfortunately i understand#i think masato's so indignant because it's a matter of It's Too Good To Be True#trust issues to the max for the past 18 years jesus christ#his condition made him feel isolated but im sure it also made him feel like he was more trouble than he was worth#not that thats true of course- but from his perspective that's probably how he felt#it's apparent during the suzumori cutscene how he demands no one look at him- that he doesnt need help#but thats postulating for another post Back On Topic#maybe daigo's initial loneliness as a kid is what helped him become so charismatic#he's just able to understand what it's like without having a genuine friend- or having incredibly few of them#god the point about daigo's power but not his allies being taken away is a great point too#like aoki cannot win at all in that scenario: daigo is neither alone nor totally defenseless#my brain's going to be eaten by fungus at this point im just rotating all of these points in my mind like a SSBB trophy
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Idk why i expect charitability from ppl who probably listen to whatever their staple favorite left-leaning video essayists says about the Other Leftists they dont like and takes it to heart and doesnt form their own opinion with the information provided (or the information specifically and intentionally left out to make the person look the worst that they can) just kinda does whatever that persons says because Its Probably Correct
I mean, theyre "on the left" and uses all the words you like, nevermind what their intentions or long terms goals are or how thatd reasonably be practiced irl or if it'd actually hurt the general cause of progressives and make things even more divisive and worse bc they value being petty more than actually having any values.
#yall be like 'i better go watch this black person who believes in racial separatism and take everything they say to heart and not form my#own opinion because the Correct Thing To Do is to let every minority im not say shit that would only help nazis in the long run Because Im#Not That Minority So Clearly I Have No Stake In This'. like idk. its one thing to pretend you understand every thing about a certain#minorities experience that you dont have. its a whole other thing to actually challenge people on their beliefs. and if the person you#are challenging cant give you a good enough answer or dodges or gets MAD at you for even asking - you should probably avoid them or at the#very least not just believe every fucking thing they say and never come to your own conclusions on shit.#people are supposed to have the critical thinking ability to have their beliefs challenged and give you an actual answer#theyre supposed to want you to understand. theyre supposed ro be able to explain it to people who dont understand#and arent in the same spaces enough to understand. if you cant explain to me why racial separatism is somehow Ideal then why should#i listen to you. just to do whatever you say no questions asked or else im bad and very problematic?#like how am i supposed to take this kinda person seriously when they go around calling shark3ozero the c word and other#racist shit. like you're not serious lol. you have no issue just acting like the people who disagree with you on something are just purely#bigots.#when the people you attack are far more on your side than the fucking republicans who yall barely even mention. which is interesting.#anyways if you believe in dividing everyone by race understand that thats LITERALLY what white supremacists want. that is Not the ideal#world for me. idk about you. and if you understand this and still follow me gtfo of here#you're a dipshit and prolly an accelerationist and i dont have time for your bullshit and likely nihilism.#you're gonna end up killing yourself thinking the world is only ever against you and everyone who disagrees w you is a bigot.#and i dont mean necessarily actually putting up a noose i just mean you're gonna isolate yourself SO MUCH from other ppl and stay only in#your one little space. that if you ever lose that space for whatever reason you'll be left alone w no help.#or you'll isolate yourself so much and stay inside forever and be hella paranoid in grocery stores thinkin everyone there Wants To Kill You#and im not gonna act like ik whats in the mind of someone who believes in racial separatism. that was more of an example. but i can try#to understand and i can tell that someone has to go through a lot of bs to think thats the only solution. im not trying to downplay why ppl#might think thats the best option. but really its the same shit w terfs and cis men and it kinda seems like its a solution born from trauma#with convoluted justifications for why its Fine actually#thats how it looks from my angle rn. if thats not the case and you feel like its different im always willing to hear different angles on#stuff. im never married to my positions as im not exactly a static person who never changes.#id say thats quite the opposite of my Whole Thing
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i am typing this to distract myself from the [anime] spoilers i just read before they really cement themselves in my brain. lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it? it’s supposed to get up to 61F on wednesday! that’s just concerning, really. but then it’s supposed to snow on friday. classic new england. or rather, classic new england under climate crisis. im doing good covid-wise, by the way. i just wish i could find a straight answer on, like, what exactly i should be doing. like, how long i should isolate, how long i might be immune for, whether it’s risky to take my adderall, ….
#txt#i’m definitely going to isolate until i’m asymptomatic#perhaps longer if i determine that’s safest#ive seen ppl say adderall helped them get over covid easier but 1) thats some randos on reddit. not the best source#2) covid affects the heart. ive had heart issues before. adderall makes your hesrt go faster and can strain it.#i’ve been tracking my hesrt rate while covid’ed snd it doesn’t seem much faster than usual#but that usual rate is high#i’m not supposed to be working. but adderall would make it easier to do other stuff#like sewing and whatnot#and even watching tv#god damnit i forgot about the anime thing but thinking about watching tv made me re-remember it#uhhhhhhh im gonna think about the giant cave system ive been exploring in minecraff#it’s such a pain in the ass
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caught myself being nostalgic for that damn podcast again. we need to kill connor !
#im nottt going to do a relisten im not im a grownup now. i will not listen to it again i WONTTT i just stumbled across some crossover art#and it made me nostalgic abt the rly good art ppl used to do and the podcast Was good i didnt like the later seasons as much but we#but i cant relisten bc its literally the reason my life fell apart basically. but i kind of miss it. BUT I DONT!! but i do. i cant go back#idk why im b. well i guess actually LOL i was gonna say idk why im being vague u all remember but most of u werent there so maybe u dont#lets just say there r like Two podcasts i was ever super into and i openly posted abt relistening to one of them last year.#ITS LIKE. UGH its not the podcasts fault it had some Issues but i did genuinely love it#its just i associate it so heavily with. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh so i cantt i cantttttt also i find it embarassing#bc i was into it in like 2018 or 19 or whatever. humiliating time for me (i was 13-14)#and i was into it for a Loooooong time. like a while. one of my longest lasting interests next to. predicament#ive openly talked abt the other one b4 but i cant bc itll make it kind of clear what the first one is#LIKE WHATYEVER U GUYS KNOW WHAT IT ISSSS ITS EMBARASSING#the fanbase was for truly so fucking annoying tho majority of the reason i dont rly do fandom stuff anymore#that + the whole umm. getting isolated from other ppl thing. which funnily enough is directly tied to the podcast bc thats what etc etc#curses and i hate memories and i want them gone. but i do kind of miss the podcast. but i wont go back my solemn hearts truth#but also sometimes i think abt redoing my sona except i think itd still be basically identical LOL#wtvr. if u know what it is i cant talk abt it im in witness protection.#and if u still like it thats fine and stuff its just embarassing for Me to like things and especially this on acct of the gesture.
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