#but i still feel like im doing smth bad ughhhh

[avo-kat]

haaa.

the fear of being a "predatory lesbian" to being a "creepy guy" pipeline so real

[skitskatdacat63]

you don’t have to post this but i just want you to know i totally relate i rbed an ask game post today and got no asks :/ it sucks even if it’s just a silly little tumblr game

Yeahhhhh :(( I'm glad I'm not alone, anon. This made me feel a bit better, so thank you <3

[hearts-4-vicky]

thinking abt Giselle tying up g!p reader to the bed and sitting on your face! Gigi would have to tie your waist down to the bed bc you can’t stop humping the air trying to find any type of release. Gigi would be so mean, suffocating you with her pussy while she degrades you and tells you that you’re not doing it right! Tears would be falling down your cheeks as you mumble out a barely audible apology while you were tongue fucking her hole and sucking on her clit. She would tell you it’s okay because you’re just her dumb baby! When she finally cums in your mouth and all over your face, you feel like you were in heaven! Your eyes rolled back and you came untouched, making a mess of your pelvis! When she got off your face you would tell her thank you with her slick and cum smeared over your face, Gigi would call you a pervert for cumming untouched :( She would stuff your mouth with her lactating tits and ride your overstimulated cock until you were shooting blanks!!

anon, angel, do u wanna kiss????🙏CUZ UR MIND OH MY GOD

warnings: dom! aeri, sub! g!p reader, mommy kink, aeri being mean :(, aeri being kinda nice towards the end?, squirting, overstimulation, face sitting, pussy eating, aeri slaps ur balls, cum eating, lactation, reader is a loser, A BIG LOSER, reader is stupid reader is sensitive asf😭, reader sobs cuz shes a stupid sensitive loser, (y am i bashing reader 🙏💀) pregnancy mentions, aeri takes pics

i feel like gigi would come outta nowhere, full on naked, n ur dick just JUMPS but like cant even blame u🙏 her tits would be leakin a bit, pussy WET n u cant even react bc she just rips off ur clothes n tying u to her bed posts!!!!!! ur so confused cuz shes never did smth like this b4?? “aeri what the fu-“ “shut up whore, its mommy to you.” and suddenly ur mouth is shut (only open to eat mommys pussy😘) and ur thinkin w/ ur dick😝 aeri gets on the bed, pussy hovering over ur face with ur mouth still shut tight, not knowing what to do?? finally, her pussy meets ur lips n u do… nothing??? youve never been with a girl before, only watching twitter porn videos (you can only watch 15 secs b4 ur cock just explodes 💥💥💥💥💥) getting impatient aeri brings one of her hands to your jaw, forcing u to open ur mouth n shes suffocating u with her puffy pussy, grindin on ur mouth, plushy thighs barely able to block out the sounds of aeris moans😍 “Use your- ah- tongue stupid bitch” (im giggling i want her so bad) stickin ur tongue in n out gets aeri to let out a satisfied sigh but she takes notice of the precum leakin out ur tip n starts giggling???

UGHHHH aeri would js be so MEAN to u

“You getting off to this slut? Mommy hasn’t even touched you and you’re already close? Fucking pathetic.” aeri leans over to give your balls a few hard slaps, stopping when ur cock begins to twitch🥺 she moves her hand to the place where your shaft meets your tip and has a firm grip on it, making you whimper and start to sob “You’re stupid if you think you’re gonna cum before me” aeri moans out as she starts to grind harder on your mouth😝 you’re sobbing so loudly now bc ur overwhelmed n aeri is jst being mean to u:((( but ur sobs n whines send vibrations to aeris core n she squirts all over ur face!!!🥺🥺🥺 so focused into her orgasm she lets go of your dick and you cum so violently, humping the air, getting your cum everywhere

aeri gets off you, letting you speak “‘m sorry mommy! p-please! please don’ leave your slut! wan’ taste m-mommy’s milk please….” you sob out, giving into your mommy so easily🥺🥺 aeri doesnt respond as she turns around, slams down on your cock, bouncing up and down quickly, shoving her leakin nipples in your needy mouth🥺 and yeah! she does fuck you til ur shooting blanks into her warm pussy🥺! but since you’re cummin so much she teases you “You, fuck- want mommy to get pregnant baby? You gonna share mommys milk with our baby?” your eyes widen, shaking ur head thats trapped in her tits to protest “Words, baby, mommy wants to hear you use your words” aeri whispers to you, never slowing down her pace❤️ she pulls you away from her spit soaked tits so you can answer “no mommy! don’ wanna- mmh!share your boobs with no one else!!” cumming in the middle of your sentence was so embarrassing for you but aeri didnt care that much💋 she gets off your overstimulated cock, causing you to whine loudly “Oh yeah? With how many times you came in me theres no way we aren’t parents yet. If only there was some way to prevent that…” she trails off before climbing back up so her pussy is near your face again. “Maybe you should be a good little slut and eat your cum out of mommy’s pussy.” aeri smirks seeing you nod vigorously, so cute, all for her🥺

“Good girl” is all aeri needs to say before sitting on your face again, you’re so eager to eat her again! even if you’re eating your own cum in the process!! aeri can’t help but snap a few pics of you being so pussy drunk and sends them to the aespa group chat🥺 not even a minute goes by before she gets a notification from the gc,

“Aeri-unnie, can we share her? please?:(“

“Ofc ning❤️ come home quick k?”

I WAMT HER SO ABDF OH MY GOD ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY

anyway first ask done😍❤️

bye my loves stay safe💋💋💋

[gardens-of-may]

ENTRY TWO - chap. 23 to chap. 50

spoilers ahead

AAAAAAAAAAA

that was me singing opera

you wish you heard it

also i can’t stop talking in a british accent because guess is on repeat 

good lord jennifer 

😐😐😐

this book is getting BORING

caves are amazing 😑

WHY IS THERE A CHILD

is the child okay????

eughhhhhhb

fuck you child 

ugh him

I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THERES A CHILD

oop he’s fAcToTuM 

i’m sorry this book is getting more boring by the second 

*an hour later*

the boy’s a liar the boys a liar he doesn’t see ya he’s not think about blahhhh

idk

i’m also currently falling asleep rn so 😗

CHILD LABOR

I DESPISE CHILD LABOR

I HAVE CERTAIN TOPICS IM VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT 

AND VHILD LABOR IS ONE OF THEM

*days later* (i wasn’t lying when i said this book is boring)

okay good consent!!!

oop he knows

i thought i was smart for knowing the french

i didn’t know bonne chance meant good luck 😑

it’s like avery is nonexistent and i HATE it

because in the main trilogy, his presence was very shown

but i keep forgetting that avery’s even here because of this shitty narration 

oh hi gray

oh my god grayson in shorts would actually scar me

oh my god

that’s evil

and she’s such a saint 

i forgot that we’re dealing with his dad

oops

technically avery didn’t kill him

so what’s so bad about putting the evidence of what he did against avery out?

i love xander i miss him sm

bonjour!

sisters 

hehehe 🤭 

that’s true tho

sav and gray are very similar 

gray also likes to deny his feelings tho

same bro 😜

nash is the best 

ily him sm 

suspicious 

oh no

was gray told abt the devils mercy thing?

i don’t really know what whom is 

LYRA

AHAHAGAHHAHS

ISVTHAT LYRA

IM GONNA SCREAM

STOP

MY ABAY

IVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER SINCE I HEARD OF HER AND THIS IS THE FURST TIME I MET HER

OMG

ASSHOLE 😍😍

IT IS LYRA

IM LIT DYING

NEW CRUSH

she’s so funny

that’s one way to deal with mental health 

get a lyra!

no not shorts 😭

ughhhh

i love gigi

lemonade? too sweet?

oh shit

i js realized i can only imagine gray with a british accent 

the aaron warner effect

grayson davenport hawthorne

i find it hilarious that it’s in autocorrect 

“I am so sorry that Avery girl took all of your money,” one of the others said seriously.

“And chose your brother,” another one added.

“And broke your heart!”

“But not your spirit.” The bravest of the girls reached out and laid a hand on his arm”

HAHAHAHA 

stop it’s like a fanclub

what has gotten into me?

😟😟😟

she isn’t a bitch 

her future is probably brighter than your fucking phone screens

oh yeah i forgot

gigi doesn’t know who he is

GIGI NO

GOOD LORD NO

no he is not your boyfriend or anything like that 

GIGI STOP

GIGI UGHHHH

THAT IMPLICATION ISBT 

SAVANNAH IS NIT A BITCH

gigi what cleavage?

gray’s reaction tho

NASH 😍😍

i’m in the rural rn

an ode to nash 

cupcake a palooza? 

ohhhh

WHAT

tallllll

as a 5’5 girl anything above 6’ is tall

seems ugly 

NOOOOO

FUCKING BITCH

UGHHHHHH

THAT BACKSTABBING BITCH

ARGHHHHH

USNT SHE RICH NOW?

a flashback? NOW???

TREE HOUSE YAY 

how tall was jamie at ten?

that’s so mean

yeah what about nash ?

he’s amazing 

okay gray might be perfect and xander can think outside the box but jamie is good at taking and measuring risks 

is that a skill? i don’t know 

js triggering pain and insecurities atp

wait they’re supposed to lose

ohhhh

okay so the point of the flashback is to show why he’s doing what he’s doing

wait what did he do?

ZELLA IS THE PROPRIETOR 

I BET

BET

mr. hawthorne js has a aura that is 

you know

i js read smth kinda sad and it lowk ruined the vibe 

ANYWAY

oh

i had hoped the proprietor was zella

ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON DOWN THERE

sorry 🙂

THE HELL JAMIE

i forgot avery and jameson weren’t married 

i don’t know why i thought they were

GODDAMN JAMIE

oh shut the fuck up

this feels so wrong

WHAT

WHAT DO YOU MEAN 

brother?

ARGHHHHH

UGH

not this

where’s nash then?

AUGGHBBBBBB

EVE THAT FUCKING BITCH

what does that bitch want? 

a boyfriend? not even once she’s six feet under

WHY ARE YOU SYCH A CREEP???

“my existence?”

your existence pains everyone 

AHHHHH

i love gigi

oh shit

😳

anywayyyyyyy

LYRAAAAAAA

oh my god

hmmm

THATS SLATER???

BITCH IS UGLY AS FUCK

i love gigi 🥰

“prone to eyebrow arching, very fond of imperative sentences, blond and broody.”

how cute?

NO IT JUST GOT GOOD

WHAT TGE HELL JAMIE

WHAT HS WRING WITH YOU

i’m gonna kill you 

“oN tHe cOnTrArY-” shut the fuck up

ugh 

that’s terrifying 

i hate him

awwww i love avery tho

I HATE YOU 

WHAT

I THOUGHT THAT IT WENT 

nash > gray > jamie > xander

i think im used to leo

“privileged, prep school boy”

ughhhh

HE WON

i didn’t think he would

oh shitttttt

😣😣😣😣

i’m not describing this

good lord jameson

risk?

OM MY GSIF

oh yeah

his brothers are gonna kill him 😀

why would you purposefully do this to yourself?

that’s cute rohan, but i don’t think so

heheh 🤭 

bitch

what did you do in prague jameson? what?

no you did not 

MMMM-

oh nooooo

AGHGHBBBVBVVVVVVBHHH

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN PRAGUE???

gigi no

ajaksjjw he’s your brother you cannot date him 😭

that weirded me out even typing it

GIGI SYOP

HAHAHAHA

SAV AND GRAY NO

your imaginary girlfriend okay

(it’s me guys)

limes

our forever is limes

mhm

not like that

huh (i took a break if you couldn’t tell)

OH FRIENDLY WAY

UGHHHHH

FUCKING BASTARD

acacia is more of a mom to gray than fucking skye will ever be

good lord

UGHHH

NOW???

anw eight years ago everyone 🙂

this is so traumatic 

yay

[ii-viixx]

tw: venting, self-harm/sh, blood mentions, mommy issues ranting (if that’s an actually trigger, sorryyyy), family issues, ect

///

///

sorry for this long ahh vent or wtvr the fck i wrote was. also idk i jst started to add other stuff to it, i got bored & jst wanted to vent even more. sorry if it doesn't make much sense, its 4 in da morning

/////

Why’d I let him do that. Did it even happen.. ?? Every day that I don’t speak about it,, or when I do it feels like guilt swallowing me whole. Was it real? Was it real? Was it real? Was it real? FUCK…. Or is it another of my little ass stories. Fuck, I’m so stupid. So very stupid. FUCKKKK !!!! UGHHHH. Why’d I let him touch me,,,, he touched me he touched me he touched me he touched me… Maybe??? IDK,, I wanna rip the skin off my flesh & cry.. fuxking start laughing like the fucking Joker when I do. Did it even happen? Did it? Did it? Did it? Did it? Was it real Was it real was it real was it real… I lwk be feeling like that one line, it went smth like: “pretty enough to be sexualized, but not pretty enough to be loved” 🤯 Lmfaooo (am I going crazy???? idk am i am i am i am i am. no im not… right? maybe i do need mental help, maybe I really do…). I get stared often. It’s strange but I sometimes like the attention. I sometimes think that I’m not worthy of love. It’s weird being horny almost all the damn time? is it cuz i’m a teen or did my constant exposure & most likely SA experience fuck me so bad that I became hyper sexual???

.. Gosh, I feel like a freak whenever I think of myself in that way… yk that reminds me.. when I was younger, around 7,,, I was taking pictures or jst plain staring at my budding chest… Even though I wasn’t deflowered, I still felt like my petals fell anytime I was stared at by older men or getting touched by him,,, Him him him.. Him. Did he did he did he did he? I need answers. Maybe I’m just sick in the head for thinking he touched me,,, did he? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. In the end we were jst kids. Enough abt that. Let’s go onto how I became who I am today. I grew up to a single mother. Typical. My dad left us before I was even born (rude but whatevs). We moved at least 3 times before settling down. Whoo… She was a fucking mess my mom was a mess. A pretty heavy drinker & smoker. I was surrounded by it from her, her boyfriend (now ex), his lil friends & maybe hers? idk. She used to kick me out & lock me out the door, I got used to it but I got lucky if her ex decided to open it for me. She was abusive, physically, maybe ? idk but i’m pretty sure she did. I blocked out a ton of shit from my childhood 💀 growing up she used to call me names & hit me even tho i didn’t do nothing. wrong. She’d talk to me abt her feelings & venting. (Wow way to do a number to a fucking 3yo). She’d vent abt her troubles. I had to learn how to feed $ dress myself when she didn’t want to. I don’t think she likes me as a person but she definitely loves as a daughter. So hypocritical, but sometimes so am I. Ive come to realize that I’m almost like an exact copy of her. from her face, hair, personality, the way we present, ourselves, up to the way we fucking talk. My family even says so. But as much as I hate to admit, I can see the almost uncanny resemblance, well obviously i’m aware of the whole: ’YoU’Re boUnd to LooK liKE YOur MoTHer, yoU cAME fROm hER’ ik that but it’s annoying to hear it almost every fucking day, I live & breathe. It’s annoying as shit. But that’s also why I was piercing & highlights. Jst to have at least some type of different between us, jst so I can’t hear other ‘OMG!!! U look *jst* like ur mother! Like a little mini-her’. It was cute the first 3 or 7 times, but after what.. almost two decades of hearing that sentence. It gets pretty annoying. What I despise equally as much is when ppl say ‘Dang you looked jst like her sister’ (towards my mom). She looks pretty young yea, but it’s annoying too. Though in the end. I love her, I’m proud of her. She’s really trying to better herself, and whatnot. But fuck, please for the love of god; go to therapy woman. U need it, I need it, even nana (grandma) needs it. Almost everyone in my family needs ts. We’re all fucked up in a way. more shit cuz y not.. i started self-harming/sh around the age of 3-5. It was jst simple: hitting myself, hair pulling, scratching, bruising. I did it when I got stressed w home life, when I was angry, sad or jst felt like it. I stopped for a bit, but then it was a whole cycle once more. On & off typa things. Though,, one summer after going crazy abt whether to cut or not. My friend showed her twt feed, I saw video after video of ppl cutting, slicing, bleeding, ect. I was skhakjng, basically tweaking out like how Tweek from SP/South Park does (not exactly but similarly). I bit my tongue. After the skool yr was over, the first official night of summer, I decided to grab a pencil sharpener, unscrew the blade & I gently swiped it across my thighs. No blood, it stung like crazy doe. i barely even cut the skin. That’s when I started to go a bit deeper, jst out of the blue. That’s when I hit blood, no styro tho. Something went over me & I went deeper, pushing the blade onto my arms. I checked the wound. My first styro, my heart was racing, pounding. I was excited. I did even more styros, some a bit deeper than others. I still have every scar to show it. Even the little 4 straight-ish ones that look like little slopes or rows of corn.

[worldwright]

good evening

how in the living fuck we're only monday, i feel like i've went through 9 busy days

currently playing with some friends, and managing smth because someone plagiarized a fic and i was the only one to speak/know about it so, great

still no news to the part of the thief -except them acknowledging that they were indeed inspired by the original fic after i sugar-coated my question with some organic as fuck honey from the fucking himalaya (it's what it felt like) and i even gave them an escape door but they didn't take it so now both i and the writer are waiting for something to happen

this whole thing happened in less than 24h that might be why im exhausted af

have a wonderful morning my friend !

good morning!!

ouchhh i feel that, i woke up and felt like shit and called out of work, currently trying to figure out how people recover from burnout. like hello, the routine of getting up and walking outside and talking to people was probably the only thing keeping me somewhat functional, but it's not like i was actually doing hardly any work at work, so i feel bad about going in and doing nothing. but if i stay home i'll just never get out of bed?? i can't go stay with my parents cuz they're allergic to cats, can't take time off work, can't go in to work........ ughhhh

i. i do not get why people plagiarize fics like. do they have any morals at all. disgusting :/ hope it gets worked out quickly and with great embarrassment on their part :)

mfff i wanna play cyberpunk with leaf, but i gotta wait for her to wake up lol. currently listening to an audiobook that is causing me physical pain with how awful the narrator's accents are. like my guy. What Is That. What. Is That. you should not have accepted this job if you can't do a Welsh accent for the book that takes place 90% in Wales

anyway, i should probably find a friend to chat with before my bones shatter lmao

have a wonderful evening, and i hope you find some tasty food!! also, i'm super happy and proud of you for working on eating more, i know you think it's silly, but i'm also really glad you're eating better :333333

[falu-red-dreams]

Jujutsu Kaisen E44

- UGHHHH IM ONLY WATCHING THE NEWEST JJK EP BC ONE OF MY FRIENDS TOLD ME WE WILL BE SO BACK IF HE LIED IM GONNA GET HIS ASS

- :(((( nobara my beloved

- i’m tipsy as hell too fuck this shit i can’t do this

- OOOOOOO THEY CALLED IT A MARIMEKKO (finnish brand :))))))

- torilla tavataan!!!!

- nah but actually why is this start so cute and normal i don’t trust this anime anymore

- NOOOO SHES DEAD

- 🫠 i can’t anymore

- mahito just black flashed??

- i hate him

- i fuckinh hate him acrually.

- he can just die.

- with all due respect,,, where tf has todo been this whole time?

- like wym u come here just now.

- u coulda saved nobara if u had been kinda faster u dickhead

- why does he look so dumb too?

- hhhhhh ok intro now. (i’m lowkey hungry?)

- ahhhh so he was tasked to find gojo. well. good job at that ig.

- ‼️‼️‼️ next part written like 2 weeks later when i’m not drunk and sad and annoyed ‼️‼️‼️

- man i feel so bad for yuuji like

- he’s been thru so much :(

- “sukuna killed so many so i have to save twice as much” MAN UR JUST A HIGHSCHOOLER

- i was gonna say he’s only 16 (or smth) he should’ve been at the club

- BUT HES TOO YOUNG YO EVEN B AT THE CLUB

- motivational speech is slay but i’m still mad at him for being late.

- oh i like this other guys technique

- PLS TELL ME THIS OTHER GUY CAN SAVE NOBARA THERES NO WAY PLS I CANT GET MY HOPES UP NOW

- (i know twitter has spoiled me she hasn’t been back yet so whayever ig)

- jesus christ this fight is confusing me

- yuuji black flash 🥰🥰

- pls tell me mahito just dies now

- miwa called herself useless gege strikes again

- man… mechamiwa lowkey sad but the mf is alr dead 😭

- oh they had the Budget for her crying animation

- oooh kyoto school is otw to shibuya too

- ALSO LATE

- this building? metro? whatever it is. should’ve been broken ages ago.

- again W construction companies‼️

- mahito stop moaning challenge: impossible

- PLS DIE PLS DIE PLS DIE.

- if nobara fully died in vain bc this mf lives after this fight i would never accept it.

- ew? human train 🤢

- todo clapped w his asscheeks

- the amount of exercise these bitches r doing is insane. they just ran up the stairs.

- todo our fav magical girl 😌✨🥰

- 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 THE BLACK FLASH DIDNT DO SHIT.

- now they’re all strong as heck.

- what the hell did mahito even evolve into.

- “let’s kick it up a notch itadori”

- not me immediately thinking of that one Starkid song

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Episode 12 is 24 mins long, its the longest one yet please tell me theres something here thats not just filler

Its the same day as the previous episode and shes walkin around, doin what she always does and interacting w/ the villagers, I think we'll just show this as a kindof montage

I feel like she hasnt been interacting w/ Emmalyn since she moved into her own house, maybe they have a lil girls afternoon at Emmalyn's or something to distract her

Then we get the scene w/ Logan at the plaza, which plays out like it does in the OG, I might adjust Aphmaus dialogue to be a bit more irritated n shit. I also might lead into the scene by having one of the villagers be like "ay, this merchant isnt selling stuff, what up w/ that"

Once shes done w/ that, she goes to check on Brendan again and has an exchange w/ Garroth thats slightly different than the one in the OG, I mainly wanted him to say that he and the Brightport doctor helped Brendan bc yknow, he was there too. I would still like to have Garroth being good w/ injuries as a trait though, bc hes a guard and I feel like it makes sense for him to know how to handle them

Also, at the end of his plea for Aphmau to stay here I'd like to add something like "And I ask of you, please rest. You look... tired."

Okay, ive decided that Aphmau doesnt have a hamster, rn she just has her cat so Im cutting this subplot about the hamster growing istg if that turns out to be important

So yeah, Aphmau leaves decides to check on Zenix and asks him if he's feeling alright bc yknow, hes about to go chase not!Zenix and he seems like a dangerous fella. Their convo starts the same sans a few tweaks, Im extending it a little and adding more of a back and forth so it seems more like normal human interaction, and Im cutting that bit where he asks her to make him three arrows bc thats another one of those things that makes sense in a Minecraft RP but not really in any other story

Logan has set up a makeshift archery stand like in the OG and Aphmau approaches him but his dialogue is a bit different bc yknow, Zenix actually does have a bow and arrows here. Maybe he can instead mock him for being really bad at archery, saying smth like "A real knight would know how to use more than one weapon!". Maybe that could even trigger some kind of fight between Zenix and Logan bc Zenix is not standing that far away from him. Idk, I feel like quite a few of these convos really need to either be longer or feel less like they take place in a vacuum where no one else can hear them, but I'll worry about that when I polish this a bit more

In any case, ya girl is too tired to deal w/ this so she just interrupts them like "Hey, Zenix, do you mind showing me your archery skills" and so he does and he sucks ass which is. not great. And Aphmau is just like "ahaha, yea, you, youre not good... hopefully you'll get better though 👍 im leaving, have a nice day" and then she leaves and goes to rest at home

Man, I feel like some of these episodes are just so nothing, I hope i can rework them into something thats a bit less hard to pay attention to. And again, a lot of these issues just come down to "theyre trying to tell a story in Minecraft, but it currently just comes across as a playthrough of a fantasy openworld rpg in the worst way possible" but stilllllllll, i have a really low attention span man :(

I also get why theyre taking it slow in the beginning, I also want to take it slow so that the audience can get attached to this place and the people in it so that its like, tragic when shit starts hitting the fan but ughhhh idk what this is man

[tearsanddeers]

i dig the kingsman series so bad like,, especially the latest movie!!

this is just me talking spoilers n the movies like a fanatic so yea dont mind me im a movie addict 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️ (i make too many movie references irl, its crazy)

the wardrobe, casting, cinematography, vfx, fighting choreo, props, etc.? LOVE IT. they slayed everyth so well, i q literally convert into a full time kingsman lover. everyth adds up to that posh englishman doing such refined (yet brutal) fights feel (as harry says, 'manners maketh man') so nicely!!! ₍^> <^₎‪‪

the first two movies tackled everyth nicely, n I'd dare say that the selling points were the funky gadgets they had. so i was wondering how they'd make the prequel top those, considering the time period it's set in (wwi) and MAN ITS SO GOOOOD ARFARFARFARF they handled it like a champ by including the origins of those gadgets in the first two movies (im looking at the knife-in-shoe thing 🤨) like BRUVVV

and and and the choreo just proved to be better imo?? like?? AAAA????

implementing traditional russain dance moves in the rasputin fight??? EPICCC (they also executed his character well 😫) made him do his lil hops whole plotting deaths lol! AND DONT GET ME STARTED WITH CONRAD'S SCENES IN THE TRENCH 😭😭😭😭 I CLD CRY ABT IT FOR DAYS I SWEAR. I KEPT REWATCHING IT LMAOO IM NOT OKKK

i love the tension they built with the emphasis the characters themselves place on the silence they had to keep whole fighting (totally went as planned haha) AND the tension the soundtrack shoved in our faces like like like UGHHHH THE WAY IT STARTED GRADUALLY BUILDING UP ON THE BEATS WHEN THEY GOT UP CLOSE TO THE PEOPLE BRAWLING??? MANNN.... the way they did that stealth mission with the crawling, crouching n hand signs instd of dialogue was muah muah 🤌🤌 i also realised that they did a shit ton of research (i mean, ofc but still like!!) on how soldiers hv to move when they need to be all sneaky with the crouch-sneak action as they approached the opponents, how they kept their bodies so close to the ground, and how it transitioned into jumping at each other for a fight to their deaths 😭😭 so detailed ngl... conrad running w that dude over his shoulder ( and away frm the gunshots b4 that) rlly reminded me of 1917's cinematography. perhaps its the 'one-shot' feel it had to it n the relatively shaky yet stable camera movement. and the explosions ard them too. that too. MMMMM ✋😫

and then the tragedy of conrad brooo i canttt it yanked a painful gasp out of me the first time i watched it 🗿🗿🗿 its so rare for me to gasp that hard while watching movies LOL and i almost cried over it like el oh ellll I RARELY CRY TOO IMO

N THEN THE SADNESS AND MOURNING THE DUKE HAD AFT THAT ACKKK _:(´།། `｣∠):_ tho i do admit that the length of the wwi scene made me forget that it was a message being relayed to orlando b4 it coz of how absorbed i was in the action hajshwjd

alsoalso the outfits were on point as always 😫😫 smth smth abt suits and the manners they have while they wear em UGH and also the soldier's equipment and outfits were historically accurate i i i- man. i love it.

ok im done. thanks for reading this if u made it all the way to the end. stan the kingsman series. also this is just my take on the movie and my kind of film appreciation eheh. i cld write an essay or synopsis of this to my old literature teacher, i swear. i think he'd be interested HAJSHA man i miss literature lessons so bad.

i might draw some cool shots or characters as an environment/figure study.

[hiranoir]

i already warned you

i guess it is fate, like you said

so this is my fate, my destiny, the unbroken rule set for me

the closer you get, the more you hurt

i like to fantasize, but it's impossible, so i fantasize about being a villainess, i mean i feel it cool even though I'm not OP

i read this one book and the main idea of the story really hit me like truck-san did to all those reincarnators, this girl tried to fight, fight against her fate, fight for her happiness, but she has to be a villainess, the bad guy, she has to hurt people so everyone else, people she cared about will find their own happiness and they won't die

i aspire to be like her. i want to be like her.

since young i had already realised i hurt those close to me, intentional or not, so i always feel like im indebted to everyone

and im definitely indebted to you

ughhhh i just want to torture myself

i hurt you mahn, i hurt you

no matter what i do i hurt you

i always felt it is unfair. why!? why do i have to keep hurting people! WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP? no matter which route, no matter what methods i do to try and stop it BACKFIRES, it backfires.

and no i hurt my most precious, you.

i always felt like i belong in an asylum. i mean like I'm crazy, I'm crazy for having all these feelings, i should just be locked up in a room, not hurting people, not having crazy ideas, alone.

i feel fucked up mahn

i want you

i really, really want you

i want you to be mine and mine only

i guess it's not possible now. should i be a bad guy so you'd be happy? should i just die? should i keep waiting for you till our, your last breath? should i offer myself to the devil or smth? lol

you're a physical person. so does me hugging you, holding your hands, all those intimate physical things we did, does that not prove my love towards you? DOES THAT NOT MEAN I DON'T FEEL NOTHING, BUT INSTEAD I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU? HUH? DOES IT NOT?

im getting crazy all over again

really feel like i should kill myself

but i really want to wait until you die because only death can do us apart. only until death will i stop waiting and live.

if i die like right now? would you be happy? would you forget me? would you be with someone else, and instead of me, that person will share your dreams? will that person have a family with you? children? would it? can it not be me? can i continue being selfish? do i still have the capability to capture your heart?

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #6: “because Sweyn’s Baddies are COMING” - Jones

My bitch ass glasses broke so I’m more than happy to be doing a challenge that requires my ears. Maybe wil my eyesight so poor my hearing will get better to compensate who knows. Even if we lose I’m in a Gucci spot to survive.

Tribal was a success. With the first tribal done I’m happy trust is built and I can stop being paranoid.

With that said I think I’m in a good position going forward as I have an alliance and we’re probably reaching a merge or a swap soon.

my plan of action for my tribe since we legit havent got Anything on the doc yet (me n michael have an excuse..) is to make it seem like im doing more than i am. oh im gonna work on it soon! i’ll do this soon! like its all about seeming like im contributing.. when i aint LAMDKNDG

me n michael made a f2 altho it breaks my heart to say its just for the sake of my survival on this dumbass tribe.. theres no way malik flips on me and with michael as my f2 i can essentially force him to flip on danielle if he wants to stay which is like perf rn since i dont really trust her..

i miss my close allies tho lol. like ryan is my #1 n its unfortunate he isnt getting a chance to make more bonds considerig we need those bonds for his idol to make a big move.. hopefully mercia loses again and wes goes tho? it evens it up to 6 sweyn vs 6 mercia and i think itll swap again before merge and hopefully ill be with ryan/rhys/jones :)) my social game is good rn i think.. i just gotta lay low with physical and downplay strategy so im never the target. hard w/ these personalities tho. X

SOOO THIS CHALLENGE IS FUCKING HELL!!! U KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? IF OUR WHOLE TRIBE FUCKING DID SMTH!!

like im actually gunna go fucking mad.. its songs. yah its hard to identify bc theyre distorted and overlapped but theres no excuse not to get at least artists.. or even one song. malik n michael can barely do that.. LIKE YEAH I HAVENT DONE THE BEST BUT IVE GOT 2 SONGS THERE RN AND IDENTIFIED NICKI + XTINA SO! BLOOP! im gunna kill myself.. poor dani. its especially painful knowing ill try to get her out if we lose LMAOAOAOA but i mean.. (: oh well!

This challenge can litterally chomp on a dick. No. I hate it. I dont want to do it. Like BEGONE.

Honestly its so hard, and like i dont listen to pop so im struggling with it. Hopefully we win, but I feel safe if we go to tribal.

At this point I am so upset because I feel useless because all the ones I know have been picked and idek if anyone took my suggestion seriously. If this round ends my game, I’m going to be so upset!

We’re pretty much fucked unless a miracle happens

I've been a bit nervous about my position and stuff in the game and I'm trying to catch up socially with a lot of people and stuff. I'm doing what I can on a five person tribe and hope I can work on hard on getting as far as I can in this game. I have a feeling we merge next round so that could be cool. I wanna make it far as I can this game, I'm trying to be active but UTR so hopefully it works.

WE WON FIRST PLACE AGAIN AND THIS TIME I WASNT A FUCKUP WOOOOOOOOOOOOP WOOP I’ve been talking to David more and I helped out a lot with this challenge so I’m hoping he won’t want me out next time we go to tribal.

THREE IN A ROW, BABY. Feels good to not have gone to tribal since Jose's elimination. Also an added bonus that I basically carried our tribe to win today, not a big deal, LOL.

Also, with the reward, I've now got a vote steal advantage. This is HUGE for me. I have a group of people I wanna work with in this game and if this group is down in numbers at any point, this vote steal can come in handy.

that challenge was a damn mess but i'm just glad we made it out alive. sad Canute lost though ugh i'm sending all of my positive energy to Scott so he can make it through.... hope we merge next round that would be cute; i'm ready for more action in this game

im gunna kill my self . :) WE LOST. AGAIN. :) NOT MY FAULT. AGAIN.

n now i gotta deal with fucken awkward 2-2 tribal lines when i have a f2 with michael and a love for malik.. but bc dani is good at challenges her ass wont go and thats so annoyin but u can bet ur ass ima try somethin if i have to bc i dont trust malik to keep me safe vs her whereas michael will.. if i have to flip on malik i will

why me tho like im a good person. i dont deserve this. why couldnt i be on a competent tribe. LMAOAOAOA.

THANK GOD WE WON IMMUNITY if we lost I probably would’ve spontaneously combust Bc I love??? My current tribe??? I love Madison too and It sucked we voted her out Bc I actually adore her but she wasn’t doing a lot. I just love this tribe and if we had to vote for each other again I’ll lose my marbles. Maybe we can work more together going into merge if we get there? I hope so, because Sweyn’s Baddies are COMING

Well, we lost once again and I’m upset about it. The challenge was super hard for us and we struggled. It seemed like everyone wasn’t really putting in all they could as they just said “I forgot” I was like oh!! cool!! This tribal, I’m not crazy worried right now. I trust Scott a lot at this point because he doesnt have a reason to lie to me by telling me that I’ve been holding up the tribe because... I have been. I think the move this week is to vote out Malik. We’ll see whats going on but I really think we might be doing that this week. Hopefully there’s a merge soon because I need to fucking be by myself!!!

My ass is for sure on the line tonight. I know that  Malik is targetting me for being weak and all that so rn I’m just trying to get Scott 100% on board with voting me and Malik 100% certain that he is safe with me just in case there’s an idol and maybe if I’m too in my nerves and scared I have no qualms with throwing a vote on dani incade of a tie

You know what they say, another week safe, 

That one didn't seem so easy,  partially cause I sucked at it and mainly because I sucked major balls at it. But hey Mo and David saved our asses so yeeeeeeeeeeee boi. And not only that we also got reward but not really cause the only thing I got was a jpg image, and so did Felix David and Mo according to them which means either one of them is lying or Wes has it. Either way I guess it's not the end of the world.

So now Canute is going to tribal I wonder how that is gonna play out, a part of me wants Dani and Michael to be safe but another one wants rocks but at the same time another one would be jealous cause I wouldn't be a part of it and I could use some rocks in my life. Either way that's it for now folks now if you excuse me Felix wants to kidnap me and introduce me to the spooky facebook wikia comunity, spooky shit indeed.

So WOOOOOOOO this is the first tribal of the season that i'm not attending which is amazingggg and feels so good to finally have a break!! Plus like I honestly LOVE my tribe rn bc everyone is so iconic and fun and we even made a charlie's angels thing bc its so iconic... ugh love them BUT if it came down to tribal I think I would be okay still since i've really worked on rhys and we have a 3 dude gay guardians alliance of me, rhys, and ryan even tho im not even gay but they dont need to know that... my boy scott is in tribal rn but i hope he comes out okay!!! if he doesn't well oops idc bye bitch but if he does then yay!!

Tonight I am absolutely terrified I think the votes are gonna be on Malik but you just never know so my best plan is just to hope for the best and campaign to stay I’m not just gonna sit back and get eliminated especially this close to a merge situation where I know I’ll be in a good position to make it far.

im legit gunna die im so nerv and i shouldnt be. LIKE. I TRUST THAT MICHAEL HAS MY BACK. AND MALIK ISNT VOTING ME. SO IT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GO. BUT I DONT THINK THAT FOR SOME REASON. all i can think of in the back of my mind is what if michael and dani flip on me and its 2-1-1.. but theres nothing i can literally do bc if i vote michael and stay our relationship is gone lol

ughhhh i should just be positive but its so hard bc even if malik goes.. i feel awful LMAAOAOOA but like. uhm. yes ): i feel awful

Scott as much as I like the guy I can for sure see he lets his emotions dictate how he plays and while that’s not necessarily bad it’s difficu when you’re trying to blindside someone and he could just run and tell Malik so the nerves are here and out to play hunny

My thing is I think it’s is going to go to rocks. Which is why we were worried about that when linus left but it’s real. Dani we don’t wanna vote each other, hell everyone says they don’t want to vote me which is always weird for me to hear but if that’s true good if they’re all voted me then nasty.. but I don’t want to vote Dani and I definitely don’t want to vote Scott..so that kinda leads to Michael which I don’t want to vote either but I have reasons: the main reason is the past couple of challenges he’s done the worst in, and if we need to survive incase there’s no swap or merge then we need all the strong members here.

I feel a bigger bond with Dani and Scott vs Michael who I feel is cool but I don’t feel we’re clicking on a better level. And it’s not even a tribe thing it’s literallt what I feel could save us from tribal, and how don’t i know if Dani and Michael won’t vote me out right after Scott leaves? So basically what’s happening is it’s likely going to be a 2-2 on Michael and Scott, and I’m not changing my vote. So I’ll likely go to rocks and lose but that’s ok. I did my best and it could be a stupid move but I don’t wanna risk Dani and Michael voting me out if we lost again, because I’d hope Dani wouldn’t but you never know. So rocks here we come!

Malik is voted out 3-1.

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him

[0225pm]

sad bc no pictures today!!!! :( i didn't managed to snap any because of time constraints :(((((((((( anyway guess who finally get to meet her bb today? 😂 das right, me!!!!!! kind of a bummer bc i didn't expect that i'll actually get a shift on tuesday? i can't rmbr giving any shift for tuesday either but oh well i don't have a choice. but the feel to not go to work today was super strong though. if can, i wanted to skip work just to be able to spend more time with han but of course, i shouldn't be irresponsible just because i want to spend time with the love of my life. besides, it was already far too late to find a replacement + get an mc + i didn't wanna leave any more bad impression since their current impression of me is a little too close to borderline termination (ok it's just an exaggeration but ya idw to be a candidate for termination!!!!) ok so like i met han rly late, we only had about two hours to spend with each other before i start my shift and i was a tad bit grumpy because han sorta promised me meet me earlier today but i guess he was really tired or something. to the point that he even FORGOT that we're meeting early???? rly damn taik i want to punch him. i thought we can spend a little more time together today since we're always meeting during late afternoons but ughHh it was a botched. but i guess i should take 10% of the blame as well since i was about 15-20 mins late. honestly i was deciding what to wear and i was trying to dig out the company clothes from my narnia of a wardrobe (i own quite a fair bit of stuff from the company most of which i bought ages ago before i even started working for them but unfortunately, past seasons clothing pieces are not allowed even though they're bought from the company itself. i need more of their updated season clothing ughHhh). idk man i think i'm damn clingy or like what i heard han said, manja?? idk if there's a diff ah between those two words but?????? ok anyway then we went to have early dinner and i asked him what he wanted to eat and then he said "prata or smth" but when he came back to the table he was only carrying one plate and i got even grumpier bc i was like "then u not eating????" and then he's like "eating eating u makan abeh suap i pon we share" then i'm like??????? wtf i'm not eating alone???????? then he's like nO noooo i eat then i was like, is it u ate alr?????? then he just kept smiling that sheepish smile (the kinda smile that makes u wanna flick him bc u alr know the answer to ur own question) but ya apparently he alr ate chicken at home???? and i was like?????? and then we had a little mini argument bc he was being so passive aggressive about this person i added into ml squad and whom i followed on ig all lmaO so i decided like ok u know what i'm just gonna kick him outta the squad, unfriend and unfollow him ok and then he went all "noOoo i'm ok with it" but i still did it anyway bc idk i just can't stand his passive aggressiveness and then i asked him to honestly tell me???? if it bothers him and then he got all mad at me bc i kept asking and he alr said no but idk man deep down i still feel like a part of him wasn't feeling ok with it bc he raised the topic + even "joked" about how he's gonna do the same wtf idiot i want to puncH him but ok so i just decided to follow that feel i had and went ahead with what i've decided 😂 and then he ended up only taking a bite out of the plate of rice and i ate the rest of it. he complained that it was too spicy so he didn't want anymore (but lol i know it was just an excuse bc he's prolly too full) *rolls eyes* ok n then dayah told me that her class ended early so she was already at paya lebar but it was still a little early (we had about an hour or so to kill) so i asked her to come over to tamp instead and yes we were working the same shift today!!! i couldn't rly read han's expressions so idk if he actually mind or not the fact that i've just invited dayah over without asking him if it was ok but i guess he was ok w it??? bc he didn't seem to be showing any form of displeased during the whole journey to onekm. but u know what's the best thing of today? DAMN han actually waited for like me to end work today omg *cries tears of joy on the inside* and he hung around the store for a bit as well!!!! so i literally get to spend the whole day with him omg except i had to remain professional most of the time but ahHhhhh i love it!! just his presence alone makes my heart skip hehe (ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*) and then he tried on a couple pieces of clothing and fuckinG hell he i just can't deal w how good he looks in a plaid flannel man like doOoOdddd he looks foKin good so boyfriend look sia!!!!!!!! ok and then i was like i'm gonna buy this for u mi bb do u want it!!!! n he was like naaWww don't waste money i don't rly need it now but i was like????? fOK idc imma get it for u beb and he's like nooooo but he finally relented and was like ok fine fine hehe ok then fast forward ah to ending work time we had to tidy up everything then i asked him to help me put in the tags haahhaah and he rly did aiyo this boyo so qt i should pay him in kisses (alr did ;) heheeh) ok then he had to wait outside for me cus we officially close at 10 so he waited an hour for me omg fk i think his whole rs w me just consist of him mostly waiting for me sia hais but ok then U KNOW WHAT OR NOT WAH RLY DAMN SAD someone stole his recently bought clothing from the store wah damn dog istg if i catch that person i will ask him or her if she's rly that fokin poor to steal cb go work la!!!!!!! ok but then he said he dunno if he misplaced it then someone took it or smth but i was like???? even if u misplaced it that someone could have returned it to the lost and found area OR SMTH BUT NO THAT PERSON TOOK IT HOME WAH FK I WAS DAMN PANAS want to hurl abuse then i kinda took it out on the security guard lmaO sorry but idk la in the heat of the moment u know but money v precious now cannot anyhow throw. then after that we were walking to the bus stop n then han was like eh u suddenly so calm only and i was like ya i realized that nothing can be done even if i'm angry lol then he's like ya see this is why guys can handle things rationally unlike girls bc y'all let ur emotions take control of u (smth liddat ah idk) then i'm like????? ugh can't fight back bc it's true at least for me la. oh and the HAN PAID FOR THE TOPS ON HIS OWN ALSO OK like?? ok la one of it he wanted to buy for himself but the other one i meant to buy it for him omg like u know first pay gift (even tho its still about 6 more days till my first pay hahaha but since we're alr there then like advanced ah hehe) AND YA IDK LA JUST V ANGRY OK JUST NOW ok then we took the bus back and i asked him if i should get smth to eat then he's like "are u hungry?" and i was like nah just kinda wanna drink smth hahaahah and he was like lol?? bc i was alr holding onto a bottle of milk tea i bought before work. so we didn't get anything to eat or drink and then he sent me home!!!!!! oh and i also just started taking some fiber supplements today to help me with pooping regularly!!!!!! fuckin $70 for one box of 15 days fuck expensive but apparently to see any changes and rly have ur toxins in ur body rinse outta its intestines u gotta be on it for like 2-3 months at least wtf idk how long i must work to to pay for this expensive shit. and ya ofc i know i can just eat veggies but sorry fam ur girl isn't a fan of like 95% of veggies in the world ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ok gonna end this post abruptly bc im tired and this getting way tooooo long + it's alr 4:15am now hahahaahahha thank you bb!!!!! for waiting for me all the time and esp today bc u had to endure 4 hours of waiting for me to end work :') OH AND DID U KNOW!!! when he sent me home i was like sorry u had to wait for so long for me to end work :(((( then he's like "even if you don't have work i'll still wait for u" smth along that line la but hehe so cheesy so sweet this boy!!!! ok time to sleep goodnight!!!!!!! i love you ♥♥♥

[ilygsd]

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head