#but i really wouldnt know how to do that haha
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Reblogging to say I enjoy MCSM life way more when I don't pour negative energy into seeing a ship I don't like (Petra x Lukas, Axel x Olivia, anyone in that little OG treehouse trio really, they give solely platonic for me because that's my headcanon and my opinion. Just because I see Petra and Lukas as siblings/cousins dynamic, it doesn't mean everyone else will.)
When I see it on my feed I go "hm" and move on and my world looks like this when I do:
I know i said I wouldnt say anymore more of the matter but this was in my drafts and i thought i posted it
(Rambling below)
I think Romesse is a very interesting ship and can be explored in several dynamics and that's fun especially the fact that Romeo is fucking pathetic /lovingly
I like Axden, Aiden is a wide eyed wet cat and Axel is large dog that enjoyed the swim like you feel?
I'm also a multi shipper. I like Jesstra, I like Petra×Maya. Stella×Binta, Stella×Olivia, Stella×Jesse
I love Xaragaard, Xara×Binta, Xara×Romeo in the right circumstances, (XARA×ME/MY OC BC SHES MY WIFE AND I LOVE HER but that's besides the point.)
I like thinking about how they would play out. I like the stories, the scenes, the communication, the fights that either do or don't get worked through, everything that goes into a ship to make it special.
Other people might see a ship a certain way like how some people see Xara × Romeo dynamic as like "Im romeo im big boy pants grrr" and personally not my cup of tea for that ship (I also like exploring the idea of all 3 admins being a throuple just as much as I like exploring their friendship)
Also imagining Jesstra/Jetra starting out really rocky for a while but them working through it for a healthier relationship. The complexity makes daydreaming so much more fun and more personal. Some relationships can be near effortless but a lot of relationships can be rocky
Like Romesse is definitely A LOT of adjusting and communicating and working after all thats happened. A lot of Romeo making up and trying to get ahold of his feelings and mortality like ITS A LOT
It doesn't boil down to
Jesse: Haha boyfriend :)
Romeo: Eat shit im better than you, love me *spits*
Jesse: Haha okay :')
Ship is short for relationship. It doesn't = OTP (god i havent used that word in ages)
Anyway, I'm done now. Ships are complex and I just ignore the ones I don't like and if I feel so strongly about it I'll block the tag/the account. Like OP said MCSM doesn't really have proships. Age isn't a huge part of their reality like ours (they don't spawn as babies, they spawn as a person -a noob- and nobody is related. Nobody has parents or siblings or cousins)
THIS IS NOT TARGETTED!!! THIS IS A COMMON PROBLEM!!!
There are quite literally no proships in MCSM[except obvious ones like animal x human ajd arguably old order/builders x new order/blaze rods and competitors x old builders]
Yes... even Romesse
Why?: Because depending on context, ALL SHIPS CAN BE TOXIC!!!
JESSKAS CAN BE TOXIC BECAUSE IF WRRE GETTING CRITICAL, JESSE CAN LITERALLY BE A DICK TO LUKAS IN ALL THE CHOICES!!!
JESSTRA CAN BE TOXIC BECAUSE YOU CAN BE A DICK TO PETRA, IF WERE BEIBG CRITICAL!!!!!
ALMOST EVERY SHIP IN SOME SORT OF CONTEXT CAN BE TOXIC!!!
BESIDES; SOME CHOICES YOU CAN REDEEM CHARACTERS!!!! IT'S NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!!! I DONT EVEN LIKE ROMESSE YET I STILL KNOW IT'S NOT A PROSHIP!!!
ALL SHIPS NEED CONTEXT. IF THE CONTEXT IS ONE CHARACTER IS REDEEMED, AND TGE CHARACTERS ARE FINE WITH EACH OTHER, AND IS LEGAL, ITS FINE!!!! SO MANY SHIP FALL INTO THIS CATAGORY, AND THAT'S OKAY!!!
LUKXEL, AXDEN, ROMESSE, JESSKAS, JESSTRA, AND IVORREN ARE REALLY GOOD EXAMPLES!!!
THE BEST PART IS: THEY CAN BE EXES TOO, AND IT WON’T MATTER!!!
IT'S YOUR AU!!!! THERE'S NO CANON CHOICES, THERE'S NO CANON SHIPS, IT'S ALL UP TO YOU!!!!
IT'S ALL UP TO INTERPERTATION!!!!
But remember; JUST BECAUSE YOU HEADCANON OR THINK IT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S CANON!!!!
I USE TO BE THOSE PEOPLE WHO WOULD BE HYPOCRITICAL ABOUT PEOPLE'S SHIPS, I'LL ADMIT!!! AND IT SUCKS!!!!
BUT; PEOPLE CAN CHANGE!!! And I hope it's what some people in this community do♡
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man the griffin soup chapter and the changeling chapter really just happened to fall into the same episode bracket huh ...
#dungeon meshi#dunmesh spoilers#goes together like pickle juice and ice cream#i was rly hoping it somehow wouldnt feel weird#i had a dream last night that they had somehow flipped the chapters that's how much i didnt want it to be weird#but omggg it's soooo weirdddd#what were they thinkinggggg haha#tbh i dont even know how i would fix it without completely reshuffling the entire show up to now#and i wouldnt want trigger to add filler if they felt like it would mess with the pacing or if it was an episode order thing#but damn there had to be something they could do lmaoo#sorry trigger i think youve been doing really good but that's gonna be an L from me dawg#please read the manga yall the volume actually ENDS with the griffin soup chapter lol
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Fanart for @disfordevineaux 's fic A Simple Mission
(Click for quality)
Bonus scribble comic under cut
#my art#carmen sandiego#chase devineaux#zack cs#ivy cs#yes i do know that his glasses broke when he faceplanted from being tazered and therefore wouldnt be there in the elevator scene and onward#but in my defense: fashion.#please read the fic its great#really like how both zack and ivys perception of chase went from 'haha look at him go' to 'oh nO LOOK AT HIM GO'
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boy the sudden outpour of angst ideas for larissa weems x reader in my brain got me weeping so bad i feel a fever coming on
#ALL YALL POSTING ABT FALLING OUT OF LOVE BUT MY BRAIN GOING 700 MILES FASTER AND 3000 YEARS FURTHER WITH A#the love was still there. it didnt change anything.#ABT READER LEARNING SHE'S DYIG SOON. BUT KNOWS LARISSA IS SWAMPED WITH NEVERMORE & DEALING WITH THE KIDS. AND SHE ALSO LOVES#HER NEVERMORE FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE CANNOT BEAR TO MAKE THEM SAD#AND BC LARISSA IS SO BUSY. SHE HASNT REALLY LOOKED @ HER WIFE. AND TO READER ITS JUST OKAY. AND CREATES A MINI VIDEO JOURNEY#AND LIKE. ITS JUST ALL THE LITTLE THINGS SHE LOVED TO DO WITH LARISSA. AND THE KIDS. AND OF LIFE U KNOW.#and its wonderful and sad and beautiful#but she's dying and she doesn't want anyone else to know; her family had gone the same way too and thats how she wants it to end#and its just. augh. not my brain adding more angst rn#where her one & only friend notices#and is the one bringing her to all her doctor's appointments (outside jericho ofc. she knows her wife would know the instant had she been#diagnosed there) and like. Larissa getting more and more suspicious of their outings and accuses r of infidelity#.......and at this point r is just. done. and lies.#and gets out of Larissa's life. and everyone's just. shocked & devastated#R leaves but also begs her friend to go away. because she's just counting her days at this point. and you know what#the kicker here is that they agree knowing this was the last act of kindness they could give her.#AND LARISSA STILL DOESNT KNOW.#and wouldnt have known until Wednesday had a vision of a phonecall that'll shatter her#........shit. im crying again haha#anyways i love cinematic orchestra's i built a home <3 it really gives me such the best angst storylines#personal.txt#clown.txt#mod lee speaks stuff#idea.txt#larissa weems#larissa x reader#larissa weems x reader#lee writes#lee writes stuff#my fic
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#ok description update. is that too much? do people even understand this reference? or is it just me getting that stuck in my head everytime-#i hate and have an extreme fear of people like. misinterating me? thinking i'm something i'm not?#idk it just makes me extremely uncomfortable. and 'okay' is currently something i'm not.#especially if people know what life events i've been having! i dont want people to think i dont care! i know thats not how it works but#the idea that someone could see me reblog something funny and think 'oh good theyve gotten over their soul crushing life event' is painful#even if i KNOW thats not how it works and people wouldnt draw that conclusion. i just need to have some sort of symbol somewhere.#but also not be openly super over depressed bc that. does not help. and feels overdramatic and vulnerable! no thanks.#so this is a really weird combo of not okay signalling while still making it be jokey haha! thanks flipnote shyguy.#*new creative post tag here*#*misinterpreting?
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maybe the reason im so upset about it isnt cuz she broke up wme but because all that waiting over the summer just feels so worthelss now. like i know we couldnt talk as much or be around each other as much but i was waitingall summer like when we get back all we'll do is be together!!!! all of the 'new relationship syndrome especially now that its long distance' stuff will be fixed when we get back!! but were over and theres no chanec of fixing it because were over and its just like what if we waited what if we just figured it out for another few weeksand see where it went form there
#its not just that its also cuz she knew she wouldnt have a lot oftiem in the semester & also shes entitled to her experiences but its like#all summer we talked aboutall the things wed do together whenwe got back to campus so its like#all of that imagining is going to waste you know. and it makes me really really sad#cuz we had so many plans only for all of them to go in the air a week before school starts#and i guess i feel let down about all of it (which isnt her fault) because why did we say all that only for us to break up :(#and she told me breaking up was something sehd only recently started thinking about so its like#the emotional part of me is wondering why cant we just wait it out for a few weeks and find out of this is really worth saving you know#cuz it just feels so sudden like we werent meant to end just yet#it doesnt feel right. like we literally only just started you know#and she said she didnt feel like dragging me along whiel she figured shit out#which is kind btu i guess to me its like i would prefer being dragged along because at least then ill start to feel the pain of it too#cuz where we are right now i didnt even feel any sort of weirdness i thought everything was going so well#like id rather break up when i do feel something bad#not BEFORE i feel something bad you know???#but also its more than just about that. like she told me that she felt werid and i dont think she would have broken up with me for no reaso#like im sure she did it becuase she felt right about it and im not mad at her about it#im just really really sad cuz i really thought we were doing so good. like just last week she was saying how much she missedme#sorry ugh i know im ranting so much about it but i dont feel like bringing this up with my friends yet cuz its just so embarrinsg being lik#hey so you know how totally obsessed we were with each other. well we broke up not even 5 months later haha so embarrsing#like it all just feels like... what did we do all that for!!! what did we spend all summer telling each other we loved each other for!#but again just cuz i didnt feel like it was the end doesnt mean she didn't. she did say she felt werid but ughhhh i dont fucking know#im just really surprised and sad about it
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#twitter repost#i guess its probably not THAT controversial i think i just really wanted to get that off my chest#xxxholic#i guess#no but like even tho mostly the quality was incredible the fact they basically were like HAHA ASSPULL and then dipped soon after is so..#i think im even a couple chapters behind and im not even rushing to catch up on them cause it burned me so bad#also cause its clamp im like. they can and will get worse sometimes with their weird shit and i cant trust that they wont#in fact holic is a funny one cause altho im less familiar with other series i know full well holic is one of their least Messy™ ones#iykwim#obviously thats not an inherent metric but like holic is usually nonsense free but i will never stop giving clamp bombastic side eye after#parts of the og ending and MOSTLY the fakeout alt universe mystery arc turning into an irrelevant fetch quest like#how do u produce media so perfect and then do that#and its also so long past tsubaholis main writing period so its like who cares??? why now???#especially cause it was like boom hiatus#anyway thats the main reason u never catch me rereading rei much at all#like i dont have an encyclopaedic knowledge of it solely cause the twist outcome pissed me off and made me so fckin nervous for the future#also im just worried now the movies done theyll be like oh we wrote 2 chapters ajd back to hiatus good riddance!! like#I've seen the digital fear struck into the eyes of x fans i wouldnt put it past them#anyway im still excited but god damn am i nervous and fucking suspicious as hell#sigh#why cant we live in a no fakeout more interesting arc ender world where also they decided to not pull a teacher student age gap 'ship'#ship in quotes cause they obviously dont fcking love each other#but clamp is SOOOOO addicted to that trope they wanted to mess with it a little like a cat with yarn even if its non romantic#like they were like we r a thirsty flower if we dont do something problematic even as a plot contrivance with no romance we will dieeeeeeee#one day i when holic is public domain (yeah im gonna live until like 500 im so cool like that) i will release hit doumeki movie#not trying to be a hater btw they do great work but damn if those ladies dont make me nervous as hell for where this whole thing could go#or if they even wanna finish it
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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star trek tng s5e5 disaster would be such a beautiful name for a babygirl btw
#HUGE fan of putting those guys in situations and this ep has truly delivered on that front#everyones so beautifully out of their depth. picard cant do anything cause hes stuck in a turbolift with 3 random kids#worf delivers keiko's baby (featuring the lifechanging line 'u may now give birth'). data is decapitated.#beverly and geordi start a plasma fire in the cargo bay and almost get vacuumed out of the ship while putting it out.#the only people with access to the bridge are deanna chief obrien ensign ro (who had just joined the enterprise crew like 2 eps before)#and another ensign who gets like 1.5 lines in total for some reason. deanna is technically in charge#but somehow has no idea how the ship works despite being a senior officer. idk that felt so weird tbh she must have had required training#plus shes surrounded by this stuff all the time and shes really quite smart like i cant believe she wouldnt have at least some idea#of whats going on. like ro literally knows way more than her so at least it doesnt stand out so much as an 'haha woman dumb' thing#however i do admit that the part where they had to spell out to her that the ship is gonna explode if they dont do anything did deliver#in terms of comedic effect#these tags r way too long and im sure no ones reading em anymore anyways but yeah. tng s5e5 what an episode ! loved it so much <33#thots
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Is going hiking with my family a cat death sentence?
I went hiking a week before Sammy died. I went hiking two weeks ago.
On the 28th, symptoms suddenly hit. 29th spent in hope. 30th they're dead
Sure are some mirrors for my boys haha
Ha
#speculation nation#animal death ment/#negative/#ykno ive thought on and off that cassy kinda looks like a washed out sammy#more round though. but a tabby through and through.#this wasnt supposed to happen for a few more years at least. i havent even had cassy for a year.#tally is going to be alone again when im at work.#im going to need to get another little plush cat. another spot taken on my memorial shelf.#going to this fucking animal hospital is just... not a great feeling huh haha#havent even put him down yet. im still in the car. but im trying to prepare myself for it.#it hasnt even been two years since sammy died...#this just... came out of nowhere... and i dont know what to do about it#cry i guess. ive already done that like 7 times lol. gonna be even more thats for sure#finding myself grateful i dont work tomorrow. even though it comes at the cost of missing the concert#but like. fuck the concert ultimately. i wouldnt have fun anyways#sucks but that's just how shit falls i guess#counting down the minutes until i lose another baby boy. i really cant handle this haha
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#yeah! ill do thing#haha. i cant do anything today muchless feed myself#i cant fuction#personal#diary#i want to make a late or an espresso and theres nothing cleared off like my mom said it would so now idk what to do#i went from good morning to near meltdown in .5 seconds huh?#this is why i dont like it when someone says then tries to shut me up and doesnt do thing#like??? i didnt care id u cleared off infront of my espresso tbing that takes 5 seconds. but a peice of countertop???#yeah idk where i could even put anything#so yeah now i dont know what to do and am in pure stuck mode. bc i dont have space to make food either.#honestly i just hate everything so much. i hate life so much. im so tired i dont like this.#*david Attenborough voice* now look at this creature. utterly incapable of functioning without coffee. how useless.#ugh. seriously though. if i can just get through a morning and make coffee i can generally be more okay than i would otherwise#do you know how much it fucking sucks just waking up and being like#ugh. like i know this is probably in part bc i should be getting my period soon. but. its days like today i sorta wish i was dead#suicidal ideation#like. what am i supposed to do when it feels like the whole world is hostile. like. just one deviation from my plan and i cant handle ti#idk. it sucks really. im honestly not even asking for much anymore. i just wish i could at least play video games really.#if i could at least do that it wouldnt feel like such torture just existing. idk. i just want one thing.#idk. i know a lot of this is hormonal but even that sucks! why the fuck do i have to live like this.#idk. im really tired. really really tired. i still have to do work too this week. and honestly im so tired.#while i really do enjoy doing things n life n shit. i hate that like 90% of my life is just suffering. just pure suffering#...and yes i am wishing i am dead or something simply bc i couldnt make a latte like i planned#and no i will not be able to make myself breakfast now either. my morning is ruined now. so im unable to function#ugh. i just wanted to have a nice coffee and play splatoon today. but instead i got a nice case of yet again#idk. id be okay if there was just. nothing expected of me. if i didnt have to feed myself or work or shit.#like. me not wanting to exist is mostly just bc of the inconvenience i cause everyone around me#i have to be careful of what i say careful of what i do make sure i never bother anyone.#and so i just quietly cant functiom over here in a corner. just ugh. usually i can tidy shit up myself
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but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture
#sighhh i miss when my biggest worry was my crush liking me back#i was such a typical teenager in hindsight bc of that#it seems a lifetime ago but it was only 4 years#2 years since we broke up thats crazy. everything changed i built my own life from nothing#im a completely different person#figuratively and literally though i will not use that to excuse my past actions haha#discord was like my whole damn world my center of the universe talking to my friends on there the highlight of my day#we had plans we had goals we had all thse big ideas and things we could do in our free time#now we go days without really talking to each other#in 2020 i said 3 more years and then we meet irl now 2023 is over and i am sure i will never see you. i wouldnt want to see you#i guess adulthood caught up to all of us. okay. most of us#i am just so sentimental#things had purpose back then and i wasnt this afraid#and i loved them#and i had someone who loved me#its fucked up how you dont even realize it wont last forever until its over#i wish it had ended differently. the whole friend group.#sometimes i wish we wouldve stayed friends. but thats just hopeful thinking because in my heart i know there is no way#were too different and theyre too committed to fucking up everything they have always#it makes me sad. makes me think they truly dont feel like they deserve happiness. i am kind of that way too#but i dont complain about losing the people i push away. so thats how were different lol#and i also dont suibait my mentally ill followers every other day because of some drama that only 15 year olds care about#so in that regard thank fuck i grew up. but also. thinking of them reminds me of simpler times#when this petty shit mattered to me. it really doesnt matter to me anymore and i cant get myself to care about anything that happens online#maybe its time for me to leave the internet behind for good. i dont know what its doing for me anymore.#i dont have anything im excited about on my laptop anymore lmao i have to desperately cling for straws for things i could do#to avoid sleep and being alone with my thoughts
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why didn't they just use franziska for literally all of this.
#freya talks aai2#my goals of not being a forgotten/forsaken hater are not going well. he goes from 'kay is a dear ACQUAINTANCE' to 'i've not known her for#very long but i know she'd never kill anyone' to 'you are the kay i know so well' in the span of a few hours and it's like.#okay so you know it was too early in their acquaintanceship for this to really make sense but you still wanted a 'deep' and 'meaningful'#relationship to take the lead in this plotline. his sister is literally right there. it wouldnt have been hard to swap her in either because#she's literally investigating the smuggling situation. it would make perfect sense for her to be there following a lead instead of suddenly#revealing kay's promise notebook went missing. im not saying that the super-gentle super-meek persona would have made more sense with#franziska but honestly it wouldnt have made sense with any of them because it's more a caricature of a character rather than being an actual#previously unseen facet of one but you could've done so many more interesting things with franziska! she has an actual personal stake in#edgeworth's decision to continue as a prosecutor or not and we could get actual insight into how her own relationship with prosecuting and#its inextricable link to her father has affected her as a person. like when you show amnesiac kay the prosector badge all she says is that#it feels heroic warm and familiar like someone she knew used to show it to her often. and like cool. it's basically telling us she and her#father were close. which we already knew. imagine if franziska had said something like that or had had a more complex reaction. there would#be so many avenues to go with that!! you'd even be able to delve deeper into what edgeworth thinks about it all. like what if franziska was#just. happier. without her memories. then you'd have a story where edgeworth has to reckon with whether it might be kinder to let her live a#different life where she's unburdened by literally everything she's been made to go through and give her the same opportunity of starting#over that he now has.#im just writing fanfiction at this point but like. the amnesia plot is so frustrating to me HAHA they dont even do anything interesting with#it!! it's just oh she's lost her memories and we need to get them back because she's not 'herself' anymore without any discussion of like.#the nature of identity or living as who other people know you as vs whoever you might actually be#WHEN THE WHOLE CASE IS ABOUT EDGEWORTH DECIDING ON HIS PATH FORWARDS AND GRAPPLING WITH BEING THE PROSECUTOR EVERYONE HAS KNOWN HIM AS#whatever. WHATEVER.#annotations#some people might argue so it's not rehashing old conflict between franziska and edgeworth and like ok. she literally repeats her 'are you#running away from me again' line during this case. does that sound like the words of resolved conflict?#i know WHY they use kay. it's because they need to justify her place in this game and because they want to play on the pseudo father-figure#thing they played up in aai2 to contribute to the overall themes of fatherhood this game is dealing with. and to that i have to say that i#might just not be the audience for it because i've never bought that version of their relationship and i dont think kay should be in aai2#anyway. plus i posit that franziska would've still worked for that theme because. literally everything. about her.
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#the whole vet situation gives me such trauma whiplash im too busy with that that i havent really given myself a chance to process today#all i can think about is how painful eating must be for mischa#i noticed she slowed down a bit and wouldnt eat kibble or hard snacks but i thought it might be one single tooth ache idk#i actually thought she was doing better because she slowed down because she has been gulping down food way too fast since the shelter#the last time she had tooth problems like 2-3 years ago i asked a friend to come with me to the vet and she said omg yes of course#and then she resumed texting me normal stuff throughout the day of the appointment and only after i didnt reply the whole day she noticed#like 10 hours too late she was like OH SHIT HAHA!! and this is literally what happens every time when i ask someone to be there for me#when i make myself really vulnerable and ask for help and say that i cant do something alone they let me down#while knowing that i have no one else#i asked my mom to come to the vet once and she literally only talked about herself the whole time distracting me#and then she was like haha yeah lets just drop off the cat at home and go get some lunch hihi!!!!#she never remembers vet appointments even when we just talked about them and loves making fun of me for being stressed and tense#like OH NO WONDER YOU WERE MOODY like im on my period or something#i texted a friend about mischas health issues and me losing my job and she hasnt replied since january and doesnt really talk to me anymore#so i guess that friendship is done too#ill have to go there on thursday alone and overdraft my account and wait until the evening and care for mischa all alone#i cant even talk with someone about this because no one understands or judges my emotions and no one cares anyway#and then ill have to go back to work where everyone knows that i will be gone soon and will pester me about it#they all think of me as a temporary intern anyway and ask WHEN WILL YOU GO FIND A REAL JOB while they make me do theirs#everything and everyone at that job is so horrible and so many people leave and they never learn#a colleague i helped teaching everything suddenly turned on me &my other colleague & made our lives miserable while badmouthing us viciously#and everyone in the office chose her over us and let her get away with it while she screamed at us and behaved like a child#its so ironic how i stayed because i needed money to live and now when i go i will have 0 because of the surgery#i mean its worth it but like#what the fuck is life and what will it fucking be next month
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like ngl I would trade all of the Fuckery (dozen minor allergies plus Some Sort Of Fatigue) for a single, common, severe allergy (like bees or peanuts) and otherwise perfect health
#I am SO tired of living like this#Not in a suicidal way but in an IMMENSE irritation way. Fuck this. Fuck covid#With global cooperation and NO FUCKING VAX COPYRIGHTS we could have been done with all this shit within a year. but NO#God. The lost better timeline of Good Policy fucking HAUNTS ME#Do you know how fucking difficult it is to find food made without milk protein. Do you know how much shit has cheese. Or butter.#Like. Lactose intolerance gets you pretty far and so does veganism but also I LIKE CHEESE AND BUTTER. I want to be able to eat it!!#Dealing with the allergies is exhausting. Having Some Sort Of Fatigue Issue is ALSO exhausting.#KNOWING I PROBABLY WOULDNT HAVE EITHER OF THESE IF WE HAD ANY SORT OF FUCKING GOOD POLICY IS PROBABLY THE MOST EXHAUSTING#like oh haha I am ✨ full of rage ✨ but no I really am so fucking angry.
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i do wish it didnt take me such a long time to do anything and also that i was doing better at this present moment so i could in fact do virtually anything
#i drew for a bit a few days ago but instead of finishing anything i just started five different things and did not complete any of them#troublesome...#i need to reevaluate my approach to art i think. as it is right now im not doing so well with it.#everything i draw feels the same to me and i can't complete anything and i don't like sharing things if they arent complete#if i dont share anything and volunteer myself to be seen then i will not be able to achieve much with my art#but i also dont really know what i want to achieve with my art because for the most part its just for me and whoever makes an effort#to read it and understand it.#hm. trying to figure out how to word it. i do not want to make things that are consumed i want to make things that consume.#which sounds silly considering my art is very nothing barely capable of communicating its intentions it feels like#(or maybe its just not looked at like something with intentions?)#but. i dont know. i dont know what i want but i know what im doing right now is not working for me. im stuck. i dont want to be stuck.#maybe i should just get really into traditional art and practice hard that way and actually learn something. like ive been saying i should#for the last five years and then not doing. haha what a funny thought that is. wouldnt that be nice. (throws it away and goes back to#trying to figure out how i can make art that doesnt vanish from awareness in an instant in the hopes of theoretical commissions one day)#anywayyyy
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