#but i probably will not do that bc i have a small brain
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just scrolling through tumblr and seeing the vast and literally wide array of feedees on here now is so cool. when i first started using tumblr i feel like there was a tiny fraction of the amt of creators lol. i loveee seeing so many people give in and indulge ❤️🔥 fat world fat world
#the over saturation of the sw pool is a little less fun and cool#but i guess it’s an okay trade in to see all the people who are genuinely enjoying themselves#if i was smart i could probably write an essay about how being a feedee in an online space kinda forces u into sw when ur poor#but i probably will not do that bc i have a small brain
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hi! birthday. which means it's finally time t
yo what the itch store is fixed up now
damn what? I don't know where this came from. look all the comics I put on g*mr**d a year ago are back here again with all the formatting and typesetting by @fireflysummers as well as the exclusive bonus art wtf who did this. my werewolf comic on here too what the hells!! that one also got re-toned for printing if u want to AND an exclusive cover spread !!! what the fuck!!!!! come see for urself I can't make this shit up
#bakuspecial#comic#itch.io#bakugoods#<- made up a tag for when I sell things that aren't commissions just now#for folks who still remember me talking abt a physical run of these comics: I'm so sorry this year and the last have been brutal#and I live in a well and suffer a curse of international mails never going well. so the logistics became Very complicated#I still think abt it tho! I've prepped up all the assets just bc I thought abt it so much... we picked out a gift print for the orders#And a bonus print for the pack#but I couldn't gather my brain enough to make it happen. yet#it takes a bit of overhead so I gotta build that up. which is. right now talk for after the shit that just happened to me got smoothed out#but I do want it to happen. I've been sitting on this exclusive custom print for like two years now#I really love that drawing its so cute. I still hold that project close to my heart#anyways uhh itch store! happy birthday to me!#last year this time was so rough I didn't even Want to think about my birthday lol#strangely enough with this small little fragmentation grenade we just got I became more motivated to fuck around on my bday lmao#probably out of spite. hammer philosophy#my parents love making a whole thing out of me and the brother's bdays lol so dinner's gonna be something#but for now I can still chill. and prep up stuff. and do my thang#if u look thru the itch store and get something from there thank u so much! I hope the comics treat u well#and now. I make hot drink. have a good day lads! do a little jig for us let's go
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haikaveh... save me haikaveh...
i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........
i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the number of times i have reread alhaitham character story 4 and kaveh character story 5. like. dont look at me. kfjsdklfh#on one hand im tempted to think alhaitham would have a fully cynical view of friendship#and be like USELESS NEVER AMOUNTS TO ANYTHING but. i kinda dont think he works like that#well i dont think he would think that either way now but#even in times of friendship breaking up w/kaveh like#alhaitham is very FACTS AND LOGIC and i feel like he would still like#idk. understand the objective value of human companionship. whether or not he feels it works for him#HOWEVER. jkdlhfsd he is also the one who in his other lore bits was like 'grandmother the other children are boring at school'#AT AGE SEVEN god he was probably such an unintentionally funny child. i love u alhaitham u are so neurodivergently coded#so idk i feel like he would have a period where hes like okay. i was alone before and clearly that was the right call bc my 1 friend is gon#even if he does well alone i cant even imagine like. kaveh mustve been a huge impact and difference in alhaithams life#humans need SOME level of socialization!! and kaveh was his.... aughhh god they literally also read as having a bad breakup!!!!!#queer coded TO ME!!!!!! friends to rivals/friends to lovers to enemies to it's complicated..................#but again even if u dont think of it in a romantic sense like it's still so much. they were and are so significant to each other.#their bond is so complex and oughghdhgh they make me go bonkers#i do not think of any other 2 genshin characters so intensely as i do them .what have they done to me. what the fuck.#im alone in my stupid little genshin pit endlessly babbling about these motherfuckers!!!!!!!#and i love them. also i like that one scene in i think cynos 2nd character quest where al and kav r in the library or w/e#and kavehs like wtf no way u dont small talk w/coworkers. and alhaithams like no i just happen 2 hear people but i do not engage#hes so real he likes to eavesdrop but he does NOT want to get involved!!!!!!!!!!!!#also that same scene where kaveh goes 'WTF looking thru these will take FOREVER!!!!' alhaitham: 'ill manage'#kaveh: >:( FINE ILL HELP YOU!!!! like ok he did not ask. silly.#and alhaitham teasing him right after all that. 'teach me to pretend u werent listening' '...' '...' '...' '...HEY STOP IGNORING ME' 'see.'#theyre so goofy. kaveh u walked right into that one. ily.#i love when i talk about characters and it's literally just me going 'wow remember when character x said this. remember when he did that.'#i just love repeating scenes and dialogue and lore over and over and over and offering nothing new to say about it JKFLDSHKLFH#sorry i love them SO much and im bad at drawing and bad at fanfic so i just have to ramble in text posts forever#i do have. a fanfic outlined for them. i am just scared to write it#nothing crazy deep or whatever but yknow. im in a bit of a Funk Right Now dont worry about it#i need a constant stream of alhaitham and kaveh content constantly injected directly into my brain.
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oh my god the artist who i shared an art piece with on their stream yesterday is talking about s.elfshipping today on stream and how cool and epic it is and how they used to do that as a teen before they met their bf and I'm like EPIC WIN DAY TWO !!!!
#also i am having a small spiral still bc i found their personal account completely accidentally yesterday ?#they replied to a post i was looking at and i was like ''damn this person is so smart and correct''#and i clicked on their blog to check them out and . damn. thats them!#but i feel like it'd be weird for me to follow their semi-secret personal blog 😭 so I'm just 🧍#but i like their blog bc the bit i scrolled thru out of curiosity i am seeing it rbs good aesthetic imgs and art#so now idk what to do LMAO i dont want it to look like i stalked them or something 🧍😭#this is probably a weird thing to worry about but i just... dont want to be weird or encroach on boundaries or smth#like they'd just block me ig if they didnt want me following but fhdkdl then i worry they'll remember my username and see me in stream chat#...... I think I need to fix my medication 🧍 this is not normal brain behaviour i think LMAO#BUT ANYWAYS. its always fun to hear ppl say good things about sel.fs.hipping fjdkdl#dandy.cmd
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)
#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper#Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed#with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi#all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement#english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS#where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to#like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect#score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol#I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret#meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you#get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized#speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea#ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different#ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one#liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate#in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since#I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small#character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility#question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju#t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually#is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so#is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i#2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have#SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and#talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem#harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically#just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl#in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for#Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol
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i’m literally going to **** ******
#i’ve been without T for a month or so because my doctor forgot to prescribe it again when my last prescription period was over bc she could#only prescribe it a year at a time. so i went in to do bloodwork because ive been having health problems like getting a light period and#PMDD a year and a half into being on T and it happened to be when she was supposed to represcribe which iwas like ok nice!#but she forgot to represcribe it so I was 2 weeks without it before I realized that hmm something probably happened#so I called her and she fixed it. then the pharmacy told me that they're out of stock. so I called them to find out when it'd be in stock.#then they said it's in stock but she prescribed me the 10mL bottle when my insurance doesn't cover that. so I called her again to fix that.#and she said that she didn't prescribe me that because why would she when my shots aren't even close to 1 mL? so I called the pharmacy#and they said yeah idk who said that it's wrong. your T will be ready later today. I go to pick it up and quite literally the moment I pull#up to the window the pharmacists pull down the shade that says they're closed on lunch. so ive had horrible mental health and physical symp#oms for the past month because I've been without t right? so I thought okay when I come back home from moving out of my apt#because my pharmacy is in my hometown; then ill get my T. and then once I get my T I can start my new medication because I want my levels t#stabilize before we introduce something new into the ecosystem. and im cleaning my apartment today and going through bags and shit and lo a#behold? there are four fucking boxes of T sitting in a bag in my closet JUST LIKE I THOUGHT! I JUST COULD NOT FIND THEM so ive been going#through hell for fucking nothing. for literally nothing. and I was like oh my god okay I have my T I should go and pick up my new medicatio#and I go to get my shoes on and look at the clock and it's 5:01. they close at 5.#and I have my appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday where shes going to ask me how it's been starting my medication and im going to#have to tell her I havent started and im not better at all and im so new to her im nervous what she will say. sorry for being crazy. im not#good at this or medication. sorry. do you want me to kill myself ill do it in front of you if that would help. AUGHHHHGHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHGGHGH#NONE OF THIS HAD TO HAPPEN. I JUST HAVE SO MUCH SHIT IN MY APARTMENT BECAUSE ITS SO SMALL THAT I COULD NOT FIND PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION#I HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME OUTTTTTT (in my brain)
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still in freaking remission (yay) but the doc might schedule an MRI in a little bit if the tinnitus doesn't go away -_- to get a look at my Brain
#frank.txt#hes putting me on diamox again to see if that helps with the pulsatile tinnitus since i probably have a small increase of pressure#if it doesnt help then im getting anoyhr Brain Scan. they just dont want to do them a lot bc of radiation which is fair so theyr waiting ig#im just glad i dont have to have lumbar puncture. its rlly uncomfortable and walking afterward is supr difficult fhdjdj#ive had a CT scan but not an MRI yet. surprised they Didn't do that initially in like 2021 but whatevr#radiation bad i Get it
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good afternoon! i've made a small addition to my rules — namely, the only kazuha i will be shipping with is @momijiba. this does NOT mean i'm no longer open to interacting with other kazuhas — i would still love to plot other kinds of relationships. ( platonic. antagonistic. etc. ) i'm still open to ships with other muses. i'm just not looking to explore anything romantic with any kazuha other than milla's.
#𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. ◟ ooc .◝#( i'll reblog this one more time later this evening. )#( this probably comes as a surprise to no one bc i've been asked about it a few times before. )#( by default i'm not ship exclusive though i tend to only write a very small handful of ships w/ a lot of build up & planning regardless. )#( especially w/ ren because he's such a messy character i feel like we have to talk bc i'm going to be apologizing a lot for his bs )#( i've just been thinking i'm very invested in everything we've written & plotted for these two )#( they are literally soulmates they live in my brain rent free )#( & of course everyone's interpretation of a muse is different! that's one of the things that makes rp so much fun for me. )#( but i look at milla's kazuha specifically & point like ''that's ren's boyfriend do not separate them'' )
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i said it on my swiftie blog last but fuck it i'll say it here too bc i woke up still annoyed about it:
for a website that does a ton of bitching and moaning about media literacy and and saying all this "you all clearly didn't pay attention in high school english", funny how suddenly none of y'all know what a fucking metaphor is.
of course taylor wasn't literally raised in an asylum! the public eye is the inescapable asylum!
i think about all the genuinely shitty and harmful things i've said and done across all my nearly 30 years. i have said and done some awful shit, because i am an incredibly fallible person who was raised by incredibly fallible parents and relatives, raised in a fallible community (things i literally had ZERO choice in) and surrounded by incredibly fallible friends. i have hung around some horrible people who said and did horrible things.
if i had to learn everything i've learned all while under a microscope from the public-- yeah! i'd go fucking insane! i wouldn't last ten seconds in that!!
and i really reckon you wouldn't, either, because the unfortunately reality is we're all fallible. most of us just have the luxury of being complete nobodies
#i'm not saying anyone has to LIKE the album#i'm not even saying everyone HAS to listen to the album i really don't care and honestly i'm glad we're weeding out some of the normies#but the way some of y'all act like you've never said or done ANYTHING shitty in your life#idk maybe i'm too forgiving bc ever since i was 13 i've just been existing from one mental health crisis to the next#also it does continue to be LAUGHABLE at how little self control some of y'all have#like it's so fucking easy to ignore the artists bands and celebs i hate or don't like#y'all probably don't even know who that list includes apart from the obv musk and bezos bc i waste no brain space on any of them#anyways it's probably time for another small tumblr break because THIS asylum regularly drives me insane lmao#i get being a hater can be fun now and again but at what point are you doing nothing but engaging in being a hater as a form of self harm#trust me:#surrounding yourself with nothing but other haters and negativity actively makes you see and think the world is worse than it already is#been there#like one of my psych professors would say: cathartic behaviours are only helpful up to a point. they can quickly become a form of self har
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i feel really obsessed with hyrule warriors in a way thwt is hard to describe
#augh j love categorizing and documenting everything about every character and comaparing yhem and timing animations and AAAGHGH#this same thing happnned with bayonetta 3 with all her different weapons / demons .. though that didnt last very long#and dq11..#it feels like theres so many things stamped in my brain forever like. random things about hw: age of calamity#id probably like a lot of other warriors games too bc theyre so simple and the characters have relatively small movesets#so its easier to descipher and categorize and not too overwhelming and i think thats whats so appealing about it#compared to like.. idk#fighting games? or where characters have really complex movesets or something#theres just sometjing about like testing / documenting exactly how much damage each characters attacks deal and then putting them in order#and them timimg animatioms and doing the same thing with that. and then#rolling dice and doing cartwheels and jumping up and down and screaming#you know what i mena.#it feels like putting a puzzle together
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the timing of this is SO funny. gale you found out you have to blow urself up like 12 hours ago PLEASE
#i’m probably going to place this a little later in the timeline of my brain for ieriyn LMAO#still though it’s sweet… seeing ieriyn so fierce and determined now being the thing that finally makes him admit it…#ieriyn has been flirting extremely hard since day like 4 LOL it’s been A Thing but#i do think he feels pretty smug now that gale is straight up like ‘yeah i need that dick actually. posthaste.’#for it to be tied to his skill though…. for gale to say he’s ‘impressive’ even when he feels small in the face of what they’re up against…#i like them.#a lot of what ieriyn is doing rn is more compartmentalization vs Real Growth and he’s going to have a lot to unpack later but#i think gale rly is the reason he believes he Can be this person. that he Can be brave. that maybe he Can save the world.#bc gale has always seen this person in him is the thing.#because gale has seen Himself in him#like. here’s this gifted kid on the edge of burning out with so much raw talent and no real way to channel it.#idk i’m rambling now bye#oc. ieriyn#漫言#z plays bg3#r. see how it shines
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/ realized I forgot to put this in my bio and will add it later but
heads up that my Yuri is a combination of JP Yuri and dub Yuri, but primarily JP. there's a whole lot of nuance to Yuri that got left out of the dub (and seeing as he has waaay more content in JP due to the vast amount of crossovers/Tales crossovers/gachas he's in, it's a lot easier to keep Toriumi's take on him (and in depth understanding no less!) in mind). overall you get the same general person, but the dub left out a lot more his casual/playful side in vocal tone, preferring to go for the "edgy cool adult" concept despite, well, the JP version of him intentionally being quite opposite.
(on another note, context I use for Yuri involves nuances found in the drama CDs that are a condensed retelling of the game (before some original stuff) as well as his childhood novel which has voiced dialogue for his child and teen years. this post covers the game, but a lot of (especially internal) stuff for my muse may be heavily affected by his backstory too which is unfortunately completely absent in the actual game itself)
there's also a lot of back and forth between him and other characters that really lost their depth in the dub (ex. Yuri being much more gentle and soft with early game Karol when Karol was convinced nobody would believe him and that he was a failure, or his banter with Flynn being a lot more relaxed and significantly less annoyed with a better understanding of each other). I'll be retaining anything the dub yeeted out for whatever odd reason regarding his relationships.
(one particular grievance of mine is in the Flynn jailbreak scene, where Yuri is basically saying "you're just dying to abandon me" and Flynn starts off with "that's right" before basically saying the same thing - i.e. they both know it's not true and Flynn is going along with it because That's Them, to which Yuri responds with a solid and fully accepting "yeah" (no hesitation, no concern over it, as he prioritizes Flynn's life over his own).
another extremely strong grievance I have is the port scene - oops also with Flynn - where he's basically holding back tears asking for answers in desperation, which was extremely if not outright completely lost in the dub where he only sounds angry and not just utterly hurt. dub Yuri? I could believe he might kill Flynn if it came to that. JP Yuri? forget it, he would hold back at the last second and couldn't go through with it. that's genuinely the level of difference that was present between both audios.
that said, I love Troy Baker's performance itself - I just think he was unfortunately deeply incorrectly directed for several of his major scenes, and also unfortunately, some of those cases were involving some of his most important relationships)
if any of y'all play Vespy any time soon, I fully recommend giving it a shot with its original context at least once (if you're playing the DE version there's an option for JP audio)! even if you don't understand JP, at the very least the tone won't be lost on you! from what I've heard apparently there wasn't much communication between the directors on both sides, so a lot of Yuri got lost in the localization (and Karol's screaming is glorious in JP lbh).
tl;dr Yuri really is just a silly little guy and he's really not that cool or serious. he's a dork. he's a dummy. and he's easily embarrassed about it. get deep enough into his feelings for Flynn when they're not in a life or death situation and he'll completely cave in embarrassment.
#{ bravewolf mun }#/ honestly it's also easier this way bc Vesperia has A FUCKING TON of side content#but Yuri in particular also does and a gigantic chunk of it is /voiced/... and we don't get that side content in the west#as a side note Yuri even has a ton of small breaths/sounds he makes in JP around his dialogue that got lost in the loc too#there is a lot more going on in that silly little brain than I feel the loc let on#also he's way more pouty in JP and that's automatically a win with me for him LOL#but yeah we get so much side content that like... I probably haven't even gotten through all of it yet#I'm in the process! but I still have not cleared Everything yet (it rly is a lot!). it just kinda automatically adjusts my brain to JP Yuri#bc it's what I hear constantly when I indulge in non-game content for him#and honestly there's enough content out there for Yuri that I'd sooner trust Toriumi's thoughts on Yuri#than I would anyone else except the lead scriptwriter for Vespy#bc he's been voicing Yuri content THAT MUCH for THAT LONG#I would kill to pick Toriumi's brain about Yuri bc he's done an INSANE amount of vocal work for him#that said when I write I do hear a combination of Troy and Toriumi don't get me wrong (Troy's performance is stellar w what he was given!)#it's just that I'm including JP exclusive nuances to my muse that may come across as like#“wait that wasn't in the game was it?” but like yeah it was the loc just whoopsied a lot on Yuri /
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ok well. just went to see a neuropsychologist and all she asked me were the standard questions you find in every internet autism test. which i KNOW don't apply to me ("do you find it difficult to infer people's intentions", "do you find it difficult to read between the lines" etc) and like she was literally reading off of her computer and asking me to pick one of the options between "strongly agree" and "strongly disagree" and it's like girl i could have done that at home. sure hope she's not stopping there and that she's not gonna just look at what i said but at the way i said it. idk it irked me that she just pulled up the old (as in outdated and reductive) standardised test on her computer and acted as if those questions would make me question myself like girl i've done this test fifteen times. not only is it not going to tell you anything about me but it's not going to tell you anything about most people. and most autistics. and she did suggest i come back for a more formal and global assessment, but she also kept using the words "cognitive deficit" to describe autism. which i realise is a commonly used term, but it feels reductive idk. so overall i'm not overjoyed with how this went lol.
#i'm sure she was reading between the lines etc#but the mere fact that she used that test (which is like 5 questions long and only applies to a small portion of autistic people)#rubbed me the wrong way#ok ok i need to tell myself that she knows what she's doing and she didn't stop at the questions#because i pretty much gave the neurotypical answer to all of her questions in terms of which button to click#but then i was like yeah i can read between the lines i've been analysing people my entire life it's my favourite hobby#ok yeah she probably knows what she's doing and isn't stopping at the stupid questions#i have to believe that otherwise i just threw 60€ down the drain#oh also she kept asking why i wanna know i was like girl idk i just do!!!#if i don't know for sure what the fuck is wrong with me soon i'm gonna die i think i'm going to spontaneously combust#she asked me three times. like but WHY do you wanna know?? what is it going to accomplish?? my peace of fucking mind that's what#idk why people are always like why do you wanna know why do you have to put a label on everything#ummm this isn't a fucking aesthetic ok we're talking about knowing the reason why i can't fucking function yeah i wanna know!!!#and if it's not autism (which i'm not sure i trust this woman to tell me) then it's something else bc there's no way i'm just normal lol#i need a diagnosis i just do it's not going to accomplish anything tangible i just need to understand things and most of all my own brain#oof i need to calm down i'm getting worked up
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#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here#so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad#bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk#and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other#bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue#but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying#and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment#and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse#but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains#like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town!#and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find#frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is#so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive#and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro#ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices#oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive#with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big#ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria#my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae#ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing#my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project#bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol#ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌#unrelated
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i love being fictional but in real life actually. like my identity being inherently rooted in """fiction""" and yet boom here i am . a fictional creatura. an embodiment of having passed thru many existences that many would consider fictional. oooooooooooo the bleed between reality and fiction. anyway
#sipping choccy milk#i have many thoughts esp abt like#being inherently fictional and interacting with fandom differently than nonkin#i feel like i could write a whole fucking essay abt like the interaction with and treatment of fictional characters from fandom and how i#a fictokin bitch#am appalled by how some aspects of fandom are just outright disrespectful and weird#LMAO#i think this might also be why i have an imvoluntary squick with the term simp#cause applied to irl ppl and its a bad thing#but then fandom kinda took it and flew with it. so now its more of just a way to say that ur down bad LMAO#but then my brain is constantly just 'oh god but. if u get called a simp. bc ur just being a silly lil gayby. are they implying#that ur being disrespectful and creepy or smthn. oh goddess. they would hate me wouldnt they'#AGH. sailor anxiety real#its probably just me being vaguely fucking insane tho idk#anyway#the aspect of interacting w fandom from a fictokin perspective is so interesting to me#hcs? shipping? theorizing? its all just.#drgl fandom spoiled me (small and insane)#maybe i should do a fun little rant on fictokin + fandom but also fictokin vs fandom. well see
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