#because i pretty much gave the neurotypical answer to all of her questions in terms of which button to click

[queerstudiesnatural]

ok well. just went to see a neuropsychologist and all she asked me were the standard questions you find in every internet autism test. which i KNOW don't apply to me ("do you find it difficult to infer people's intentions", "do you find it difficult to read between the lines" etc) and like she was literally reading off of her computer and asking me to pick one of the options between "strongly agree" and "strongly disagree" and it's like girl i could have done that at home. sure hope she's not stopping there and that she's not gonna just look at what i said but at the way i said it. idk it irked me that she just pulled up the old (as in outdated and reductive) standardised test on her computer and acted as if those questions would make me question myself like girl i've done this test fifteen times. not only is it not going to tell you anything about me but it's not going to tell you anything about most people. and most autistics. and she did suggest i come back for a more formal and global assessment, but she also kept using the words "cognitive deficit" to describe autism. which i realise is a commonly used term, but it feels reductive idk. so overall i'm not overjoyed with how this went lol.

[noddytheornithopod]

SU or P&F for the media hyperfixation ask! Choose your favorite questions. I can’t decide which to pick.

Okay, will answer whatever I feel like (or rather, what’s easy enough, if anyone wants to challenge me then be more direct :P).

Steven Universe:

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation? Like many, I found out about SU because of tumblr and everyone getting excited over Jailbreak when that aired. I didn’t bother watching the show for a while, but the fact I kept hearing so many good things about it ended up with me having to consider it eventually. I finally gave it a shot about six months or so later, and I instantly fell in love with it.

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it? For me, I think really the core of what draws me to SU is that I don’t think I’ve come across any story this emotionally intelligent? Like, people will always talk about complex characters and moral ambiguity, but SU is probably the story I’ve seen do it best. The writers have outright said they don’t categorise characters into good or evil and just focus on who they are. This ends up with a cast where pretty much even the most minor characters can have nuances and feel fleshed out, and the characters all end up with so many interesting relationships. I’d also say the fact that even with this complexity, the fact that the show always aims for a positive outcome is especially commendable. I like angsty and dark stuff myself, but when you make sure it stays hopeful and try to send positive messages through it, it ends up making something really touching.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you? Nothing too strong, but I do find myself as an Autistic person with strong connections and relatability to characters like Peridot, Pearl and Onion. I also think Steven is neurodivergent in some way, though I’m not specific on what. I’m also of the opinion that gems are technically asexual because their species has no reason to have sexual attraction. They clearly have romantic relationships as seen… all the time, but in terms of sexual orientation there’s no reason for it to be in their species because that’s now how they produce. They can still have sex and enjoy it (as implied with characters like Rose), but they don’t feel attracted to others in that way because there’s no need to. I list it here mainly because I think it’s important to remember that Gems are still aliens and probably don’t fit into human behaviours as neatly as some may assume? I mean, it’s pretty much canon that they’re technically agender nonbinary women, because despite gems not having a concept of gender as a species, they’re fine with being perceived as women even if they don’t fit human gender binaries (Rebecca Sugar even said it’s to reflect on her experience as a nonbinary woman, someone who’s okay with being perceived as a woman but doesn’t actually fit the gender binary).

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation? I’m not a kinner by any means, but I definitely have comfort characters. Peridot and Connie are probably my main ones, I just strongly empathise and connect with those kinds of characters (young passionate nerds :v). I think for Peridot it’s also the anxiety and just attitude and quirkiness, and for Connie it’s her background (something that really helped me) and how relationships work for her.

Phineas and Ferb (forgive me if I’m rusty here, PnF hasn’t been in the central special interest spot for a while so I’ll have to work with what I can):

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation? I believe I first spotted Phineas and Ferb on an advertisement in a kids magazine they sell in Australia called DMAG when I was 11. It stood out to me, but not enough for me to independently investigate (I mean I didn’t have Disney Channel so I couldn’t just watch it whenever I wanted). It then showed up on free to air TV eventually, and even then I found it much more interesting than all the other shows on TV.

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it? I guess if I had to summarise it, it would boil down to what the show kind of promotes: creativity. Phineas and Ferb is a really creative show, and that was part of its original appeal to me, I had never seen anything so intelligent or complex from a kids show at that time. Going even deeper, I just really like the characters. I think they’re really interesting is that at first they might seem one dimensional or like stereotypes, but there’s often more going on, with the show often outright deconstructing the roles the characters have boxed themselves into. Couple that with the fact that even in a comedy focused show nobody is mean each other for the sake of it, and you have a really loveable cast.

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you? Many headcanons. For important stuff, you’ll most likely see me on the ship of the Autistic Phineas as well as OCD Candace headcanons, but I also think Autistic headcanons can work for all the Flynn-Fletcher kids, Baljeet and maybe even Doofenshmirtz (who I also think fits ADHD, and honestly given how similar ADHD and Autism are comorbid I see how that neurotype can apply to characters like Phineas too). I also have thoughts on all the characters’ sexualities, but one I find myself gravitating towards a lot is asexual or demisexual demiromantic Phineas, given that falling for people doesn’t seem very easy to him? I also think Isabella is some flavour of demi because it’s clearly hard for her to have feelings for someone not Phineas. Also, count me in on the trans Doofenshmirtz train.

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation? Phineas is actually one comfort character, believe it or not. I’m not really like him, but he’s sort of the kind of person I aspired to be? And I think it’s also the fact that despite his optimism and genius that he still has human flaws and struggles interacting with certain people (aka fodder for Autistic headcanon lol). I find myself relating to that flawed side even if most people either don’t focus on it or just treat it for lolz. I also find Isabella is one too? I guess as I grew up I ended up realising I was more emotional and sentimental than I thought I was, so I kind of really empathised with her and her struggles with her crush on Phineas. Depending on my mood, Baljeet, Candace and even Stacy can also be comfort characters with their unique issues they face (especially Baljeet, who is probably who I’m most like lol).

[beebosbitchh]

1-65 ;)

holy heck ! thank you sophiw i lov u 🍒

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

i dont understand this question?? like sometimes i doubt my own existence and other times i doubt that i exist to certain ppl? ya?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2,, normal amount? like good for sleep but pitch black is scaryy but not to the point i need the escape ?? if that makes sense??

3. The person you would never want to meet?

guy fieri, i dont think i need to know if hes actually real ? like is he real and from this dimension or from flavortown (which he has a very scarily detailed description of)?? thats not something i need to know

4. What is your favorite word?

hmm, probably ‘fam’ obviously

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

a willow tree !!!!!!!!!! i just talked to my mom about this :-0

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

ngl but i dont look in the mirror anymore unless its lip syncing along to a song sung by a guy/someone w a deeper voice bc i feel like it suits me better! gotta love coping w dysphoria!

7. What shirt are you wearing?

baseball tee, gay

8. What do you label yourself as?

nb, lesbian, fool

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

slepe

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

10-11 when i was in 5th grade. i still only had two friends but i was way more extroverted and everything was so carefree and i was very invested in adventure time and art. i think that was the most of a childhood i got? i honestly did not do much as a kid and i wish i had..

12. Who told you they loved you last?

sophiw ! tumblr user almightyportraits ! the loml !

13. Your worst enemy?

x

14. What is your current desktop picture?

one from apple called ‘abstract shapes’ its very orange but also blue which is my fave color pairing atm so its perfect

15. Do you like someone?

tumblr user vahilla

16. The last song you listened to?

megan played ‘marceline�� by willow in her car ! a song i suggested to her a few months ago and it makes me very happy that she likes it especially bc we bonded over adventure time in 6th grade :-)

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

mmyy seelfff ??

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

mmmyseyyffelllff ??

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? 

eh whats the point

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

n o ne ? 

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

what is the opposite of nb,, i feel like if i was opposite of how i present id be a girl, which is a verryyy weird thought for me, pass

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

no :-/

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

uh first of all blood, like, ill pass out,, second of all,, literally everything worries me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

jimmy johns #16, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, NO MAYO

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

im a very practical person so the least boring answer i can come up w is more art supplies

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

denmark

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

fukcing , acetoNe

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i think a FIRST rule would have to be pretty IMPORTANT so probably smt like how ~WE THE PEOPLE~ are all EQUAL would be a pretty good start and pretty UNDENIABLE and STRAIGHT FORWARD especially if it was the FIRST thing in this,, hmm lets call it the CONSTITUTION, in the completely hypothetical society

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuk cufck ufc kfuck 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

sunglasses??!!! that shit gotta be bright huh>?? gotta protect my retinas 

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say my first relationship made me a better person but that shit was rreeeaaallyyyy fucking awful and 4 months (+recovery months) that i will never get back and i think ? maybe ?? i wouldve been ok without it ? idk just a thought

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 

spain ?!?!? why not + i sorta know the language? thatd b cool

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

zoey my dog :-( i miss her a lot, this month it will have been two years oh my god i miss her so much

34. What was your last dream about?

the last one i remember was a nightmare about someone tryna murder me i was very scared

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

i think so , when i was two i got really really sick and couldve died ?

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

ahh yes ! we gave hhimm,, fruit snack nipples, please forgive me fathr

38. What is the color of your socks? 

grey w blue n orange stripes ( again i lov blue n orange together, my shirt is teal and i have an orange hat on wow)

39. What type of music do you like?

all! i had to train this new guy at work and im sooo awkward but once why started talking about music it was easy for me to talk bc it was smt we both really like !!! i felt like i could actually communicate w feeling a disconnect it was nice ! we talked mostly about rap which was cool and unexpected but i could do it ? i really love music and i love being able to know enough to talk about it ,, isk 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises, ive been pushing myself to wake up unreasonably early to have more time to myself and i get to watch the sunrise most days which is nice

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate 

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

whom?

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

college? god i dont even know… smt w art.. by an illustrator or art teacher or freelance artist or graphic designer ,, i really dont know

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

one thing ?!!?!? i wish i was neurotypical

46. Are you reliable?

yes? i try hard to be? i hope so ?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

u still a lil bitch ?

48. Do you hold grudges? 

nope i try not to, ive had too many toxic petty people in my life that i dont need to be one myself.. now this is grudges w/o reason, but if ive given people several ‘second chances’ and theyre still (thumbs down) then ill avoid them but w/i reason?

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

DOG HORSES BIG DOGs

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

mm probably smt w my lab partner from last year. she always sends me weird quotes from a fanfiction shes reading and its weird but i really appreciate that she still talks to me or talks to me at all tbh

51. Are you a good liar?

nooo ?? i try not to lie? mb not tell the full truth but idk , i feel like id feel too guilty

52. How long could you go without talking?

uhh literally days like i already fucking do.. i m taking this as verbally but i dont get texts so like, it would not be hard

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

before i went to short hair i used to alllwaayyys wear a tight ponytail every single day bc i wasnt girly enough to do anything w it and it was really really gross like thank god i cut it all off

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

heck yeah

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

*clears throat*

h-

hewwo?

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

x

58. What would be you dream car?

razor scooter

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

sometimes im just too physically or emotionally exhausted to stand so ill just,, lay down? ive fallen asleep in the shower before ha

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yup

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

whenever it comes up but i dont ,, seek it out

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Q

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons tf

64. What do you think about babies?

evil, ugly, dont see the appeal. open ur eyes ppl !!!! bbs are n Ot cute !!

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

x

[blossommirage]

I found random questions so I’m gonna answer them all haha im bored

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Most people

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Probably 4? It’s not panic attacks but i get tense

3. The person you would never want to meet?

My gf’s ex

4. What is your favorite word?

Buffalo

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

A gay one

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i gotta pee

7. What shirt are you wearing?

some shirt jean gave me with a webcomic on it

8. What do you label yourself as?

lesbiab

9. Bright room or dark room?

bright

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

watching dunkey with my girlfriend

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one’s okay

12. Who told you they loved you last?

girlfriend

13. Your worst enemy?

ptsd

14. What is your current desktop picture?

Highway Blossoms

15. Do you like someone?

my girlfriend

16. The last song you listened to?

Some Utada song idr what

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

my first boyfriend

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

my girlfriend’s ex because other than abuse her she also sounds like the shittiest human

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

no thats creepy and weird, all i’d want is for my gf to eat me out all day and she already does that

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

I have a beauty mark next to my lip its ok

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

probably have panic attacks

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

i’m secretly a cat pretending to be a person

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Statue of Liberty. I don’t know either.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

uhhhh meatball sub

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

fate go and love live money, also a vibrator

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

I guess like philly and back since that would take the least time

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Jack Daniels, my mom likes it and I don’t drink

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

u have to be a queer lady to live here this is the new amazon GET THE FUCK IN

29. What is your favorite expletive?

heckie

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

Laptop would be the hardest to replace

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

MY FIRST BOYFRIEND

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Canada, I guess.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

john entwistle or carrie fisher

34. What was your last dream about?

I was moving back to america from begium again and my laptop got stolen and this dude in the airport fell in love with me but i was just trying to find my computer

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

I’m an okay musician

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Yeah

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I think so? It never snowed where I grew up but I feel like I did this once.

38. What is the color of your socks?

barefoot, fight me

39. What type of music do you like?

I listen to a lot of genres, mostly jrock or 90′s alternative

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunsets

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

strawberry

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

Falcons, I guess. I’m more of a baseball girl.

43. Do you have any scars?

I have one on my stomach from an operation, one on my left index finger from a glass shattering while i was doing dishes

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

neurotypical

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

having PTSD

46. Are you reliable?

probably not?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

do i get better

48. Do you hold grudges?

probably

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

whatever makes gatomon real

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

i once mentioned a love live porn comic to someone and they went “oh shit i read that too” it was weird

51. Are you a good liar?

i dont think so

52. How long could you go without talking?

indefinite, i guess

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

No idea, i don’t think i look good with short hair

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yeah, it was rad

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

noooooooo

56. What do you like on your toast?

i dont realy like toast

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

literally 0 idea

58. What would be you dream car?

good gas mileage

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

if i’m home alone, which is never

60. Do you believe in aliens?

sure

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

not really ever

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

q is rad

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons

64. What do you think about babies?

they’re ok

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

my favorite key to write in is C# minor

[simplicityredesigned]

September 19, 2018, is a day that our world changed. Reine had a tonic-clonic seizure in my arms in the middle of the night. She was diagnosed on October 18, 2018. She was placed on medication as soon as she was diagnosed with epilepsy to help try and control them.

I had a lot of information thrown at me over the weeks that followed her first seizure (that I witnessed). There were phone calls, family history taken, tests ordered, appointments all over the place. I was researching things and had so many questions. For every question I had, I was asked 3 more by Reine’s specialists and doctors. I was clueless about the questions I was being asked. I felt stupid and helpless. Neither one I am comfortable being.

Common tells in neurotypicals

Odd feelings, often indescribable

Unusual smells, tastes, or feelings

Unusual experiences – “out-of-body” sensations; feeling detached; body looks or feels different; situations or people look unexpectedly familiar or strange

Feeling spacey, fuzzy, or confused

Periods of forgetfulness or memory lapses

Daydreaming episodes

Jerking movements of an arm, leg, or body

Falling

Tingling, numbness, or feelings of electricity in part of the body

Headaches

Unexplained confusion, sleepiness, weakness

Losing control of urine or stool unexpectedly

When I asked about seizure tells for those on the spectrum with Reine’s types of seizures I was told she wouldn’t have any. Once again I felt helpless. How was I supposed to help her and I navigate this??

We were missing medication doses even though I had alarms set. If we were out of the house or someone shut off the alarms before the meds were taken she missed doses. I  was forgetting questions I needed answers to because there was only so much my brain could retain at once. I was also supposed to be monitoring her side effects from the meds. Everything was scattered in various notebooks and misc pages. Enough was enough.

I created what I call Reine’s Seizure Journal. My husband rolled his eyes when he first saw it. However, it proved to be invaluable for myself and for Reine’s specialists and doctors.

Her journal consists of a yearly glance with her seizure activity, monthly calendars, daily medication trackers that also have her current doses as well as when she began taking that dose. The dates of the progression of meds and any side effects from the meds. It also has a daily journal , trackers, and a notes section for questions/answers/information.

In the beginning, I was using monthly inserts with just enough weeks in them for that month. It became apparent that this was not going to work long term pretty quick. Reine was hospitalized in November of 2018 for several days. Pulling out 3 different inserts to answer their questions was getting the job done but not efficiently as I wanted. When you are in a hospital setting, their time is short in your room. They want the answers or your questions quickly so they can move on to the next patient.

I started using a Japanese planner called Hobonichi Weeks Mega for my own personal everything planner in February of 2018. I love everything about this planner. From the size, the layout of the planner in general, the ability to change things up in the weekly portion, the notes section (that gave me the ability to section off into other things), and that it was a full year in one book. Took me a hot minute to realize that this would also be absolutely perfect for Reine’s Seizure Journal as well but I did not need the over 250 pages of notes in the back. I decided to use a regular Weeks because it only has 69 pages of notes in it. I have spent the past 2 weeks slowly transferring everything from the monthly inserts and the bullet journal system I have been using since December of 2018.

The Setup Yearly Glance Pages I use the yearly important dates pages as a way to see Reine’s seizure activity quickly and all in one place.

Monthly Pages I use the monthly calendars for 3 things 1. Seizures 2. Medication tracking (along with medication and dosage information) 3. Upcoming neurology appointments

Weekly Pages Weeklies are for a quick daily journal and tracking information. Because of the daily journaling, we (doctors and I) saw that Reine does have tells for her seizures and we learned that she has 5 different kinds of seizures. I use the left side of the weeklies for a quick daily recap of her day. The right side of the weeklies have a tracker that I use for her tells with ample space for me to write any notes about the day that I think is very important. I also write when someone is sick in the house. Reine’s white blood count is lowered with the medication she is on. Any illness/seasonal allergies can lead to increased seizure activity). The journal allows me to see when she needs something more from me (like extra patience, extra snuggles, help with communicating her needs, ramping up for her tonic-clonic seizures).

Note Pages This section will be used for any questions I have along with their answers, any research I have done or need to do, and anything pertaining to any testing or hospitalizations that Reine has to have.

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With everything laid out like this, I am able to see patterns, answer any questions, ask my questions and write my answers down and have everything in one easy to grab “book”. Reine’s doctors and specialists have even taken my inserts and books to quickly show other doctors and even parents them in hopes that others will do something like this in the future.

Reine’s Seizure Journal…September 19, 2018, to Present. September 19, 2018, is a day that our world changed. Reine had a tonic-clonic seizure in my arms in the middle of the night.

[hellogerbils]

Code Gray

It was a safe place to have a complete breakdown and not worry that everyone was judging me or laughing at me. We’re all in there for the same reason – we can’t function – and we don’t magically start to function behind locked doors and on medications. Medications can take weeks to work; this was a short-stay unit with the average length of stay being three to five days. 

But I was not okay. I was literally not in my right mind. I had to adjust to stopping my old medications and starting new ones, and I had horrible anxiety attacks during which I actually begged for a padded room. They called security on me after I stabbed the wall with a pencil and I asked the guard if he could tase me. The warnings of Code Gray; combative patient broadcast over the loudspeaker didn’t help my state of mind. I thought it meant there was a shooter in the building. It took a while to sink in that the warning was because of me.

At thirteen days on the ward, I was already the veteran. I was the only one there for her first hospitalization, and the one who ended up being kept the longest, after finding out there really is no such thing as voluntary commitment. Sure, you can leave any time you want…as long as you are not declared unfit for release by your doctor and then ordered to be detained. So basically, you sign in voluntarily, and if you try to leave, they commit you. 

Not that I didn’t need it. But I hate not being able to control what happens to me, and I hated that they wouldn’t give me a discharge date, so I tried to leave. I already knew they had called the police after I checked in, as a failed suicide-by-cop in probably the lamest attempt ever, which included writing to the local Superior Court judges to let them know it would be a justifiable shooting. I had agreed to surrender my firearms and I gave up my house keys so they would be gone when I got home. 

But they ordered me to be detained until I could be sent to a long-term facility, so I started asking some of the other patients what the state hospital was like.

“What you in for? You try to kill yourself?”

“Uh…sort of…actually, I’m an autistic sociopath.”

Another woman spoke up: “What’s that? Like serial-killer shit?” 

From across the room, a clinical-sounding monotone: “Actually, most sociopaths are not murderers. They just don’t feel emotions in the way other people do. And since she’s autistic she doesn’t bond with people either.”

That’s pretty much it, to put it very simply. Although no one displays 100% of the symptoms of their illness or personality disorder 100% of the time, generally I do not feel emotions and I do not form attachments to people. Clearly there are exceptions; I attach very well to other autistic people and I can feel emotions that stem from involuntary, innate survival mechanisms. But there is a reason I don’t cry at work and why it’s nothing to me to be exposed to horrific images of pointless violence – I don’t empathize. Not because I don’t care that someone’s child has died, but because in my mind I’m simply performing a task at hand. I am an artist and human remains are my medium. I am motivated by a desire to do well at my job and I enjoy the challenge of working on remains that are considered non-viewable. But it’s just not possible for me to think, this could be my kid. It isn’t my kid. It’s my job. I think part of the reason I can do it so well and really hone those skills is because I’m not overwhelmed with emotion.

There are degrees and variances of severity of any mental illness, though these are not measurable. Either a person needs treatment or does not; can function independently or cannot. I seem to have the ability to interact with people on an interpersonal level if they are experiencing crushing grief. Maybe because I know what it’s like, or maybe because I’ve been doing it for so long.

 So, much in the way that not all people with schizophrenia hear voices and not all depressed people are suicidal, there are times when I feel almost like a regular person. Sometimes I even want to be around other people and know what it’s like to have relationships and conversations, though I frequently bungle this because I don’t know how to act. 

“What if you saw an old lady carrying a heavy bag of groceries and the bag broke…would you stop and help?”

People like to present hypothetical what-if scenarios, usually to try and “prove” that I’m not really a sociopath or perhaps because they want to hear someone actually say, “No, I wouldn’t help; I’d kick her oranges into the street and throw mud on her.” Of course I’d help, and I have helped in similar situations – once where a kid alone in the gym dropped a barbell on his neck, and another time when a woman alone in a handicapped stall had fallen out of her wheelchair. I’m sure there have been others, but these two stood out because there was an immediate risk to the person involved and thinking about whether I had the time or desire to help out just wasn’t an option. I sprang into action and I believe anyone else would have as well. 

But part of a willingness to help others stems from a desire to “pass” in society. I am willing to act in certain ways that assure I can live independently and work in my field. Sometimes that includes forced social interaction and small talk, which is nerve-wracking for me. Sometimes it includes exposure to unpleasant stimuli that is torture for an autistic person. Most autistic people have sensory processing difficulties, with certain stimuli being too much to handle. Eye contact usually tops the list, and we force ourselves to make fleeting, intermittent eye contact or to stare at a person’s nose or forehead in hopes they won’t know something is “wrong” with us.

For me, along with eye contact, stimuli that literally drive me crazy are the sounds of multiple human voices; disembodied human voices; and the feeling of water on skin. This is why I don’t watch TV or talk on the phone, and why I hate showering…but I will get in the shower so I can “pass” as a neurotypical (normal) person. I can usually watch cartoons, since the voices do not sound human, and I can also talk on the phone with people I personally know, since I can easily picture them.

Are sociopaths violent?

Not always. But one does not get such a diagnosis without first capturing the attention of mental health professionals, meaning you first have to be noticed as someone who is a danger to herself or others. In my case, I was determined to be both, and my danger to others was considered to be partly due to the long-term use of a certain medication (Prozac) and partly due to the way I learned how to live. My earliest memories all include violence and being turned over to the state. Theoretically, it’s possible to unlearn such personality traits that developed as survival mechanisms, but it’s extremely unlikely for this to happen in an adult. I’m just not motivated. I care about my job and the handful of people with whom I’ve been able to establish some kind of connection. Managing my mental health is only for the purpose of staying out of the hospital, not for becoming a better person overall. 

But I still want to become a better person in the eyes of a select few. Maybe I can be improved, if not fixed.

“As a child, did you torture small animals? Attack adults? Mutilate dolls? Trash others’ belongings? Get suspended from school? Get expelled?”

Yes to all, I answered as the forensic psychiatrist continued to pick my brain. He asked if I watched a lot of violent TV. I watched no TV…yet I staged an elaborate torture scene with other kids’ Barbie dolls. While other kids cut off Barbie’s hair, I cut off her arms and legs, drew slash marks all over her body, and set her up on the floor of the Barbie mansion with a bunch of Ken dolls standing over her. For some reason, I had dressed them in Barbie’s clothes.

I asked the doctor if he was familiar with the case of Mary Bell. He wasn’t, so I told him. She was a British girl who, at the age of ten, killed two smaller boys by strangulation, carved her initials into and sexually mutilated one of them, and bragged about her crimes. She was sentenced to an indefinite prison term and was released in her early twenties…and she got married. Became a secretary. Had a daughter. Had a granddaughter. She never offended again.

 “So if she could one day be normal, is it possible that I could be as well?”

“Yes…yes, I think with continued treatment, you will not be a danger to anyone…I had one more question. As a child, did you also throw things?”

Throw things?! Is this the clincher? Is he not yet certain that I have psychological problems? If I say I have no recollection of throwing things, do I get sent home? I had confessed to – before the age of eight – setting fires, biting kittens until they were bleeding, and staging Barbiedoll mutilation scenes, and this doctor wants to know if I threw things. 

I sure did. One day, I got to school early and filled an old sock with mud, and repeatedly threw it against an outdoor wall. Later I got called into the office. The mud-filled sock was in a cardboard box on a desk (was it really necessary to save it?) and the principal asked, “Can you explain this?”

Another thing about autistic people: it’s common for us to take things extremely literally. I explained it. It was a sock full of mud. I guess it wasn’t the explanation he wanted to hear. 

Finally, after a life filled with violent acting out in an attempt to establish some kind of control and feel bigger for once, I was ordered to be held involuntarily and indefinitely.To be continued…