#but i feel so pathetic and ashamed
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it feels terrible to be really bad at something you know you're good at
#im such a shitry student rn#like im doing decentish work but so slow and nothing is on time and i dont ever know when assignments are due#or what their even about until the deadline is already past#and i feel so irresponsible and awful and i wish just trying garder worked but#like if it did onviously that woidpve solved the problem already#im so tired.#my prof is being the most gracious ever and hasnt given me any late penalties#but i feel so pathetic and ashamed#i should be better at this
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hehe ghost-turbo haunting felix au
turbo is connected to the last piece of his code in the whole arcade - a trophy he gifted to felix in mid 80s as a symbol of him genuinely caring about their relationships on par with being the best racer. felix also gave him one of his medals and both kept their gifts next to other rewards, but when roadblasters and turbotime were unplugged, the medal was gone with everything else
now, after burning in cola-lava turbo is basically dead, but scraps of his code still were intertwined with the trophy (after all, it was his first winner's cup, but felix never knew about it), giving turbo an opportunity to exist as a shadow incapable of interacting with anything and anyone besides felix, who kept the trophy even after the roadblasters incident
also I went crazy in tags, feel free to check them out
#turbo#turbotastic#fix it felix jr#80s boyfriends#hammertastic#headcanon about them exchanging their trophies isn't mine but i loved it A LOT#and “darling” is turbo making fun of how felix was calling him in 80s#this hc about “doll” and “darling” pet names also is not mine but i adore it#turbo here is a complete freak who just stays around felix most of the time even when felix has moments with calhoun#and felix is an ass who keeps secrets from everyone bc he doesn't want his dirt to come out#he's ashamed of his previous relationship with turbo and doesn't want anyone to know any details#and calhoun to just know about it#this just gets worse and worse#they also didn't actually break up and were still technically dating when turbo went gamejumping#and he's mad af at felix because he's the reason ppl in the acrade made a boogeyman out of turbo and he couldn't come back#like imagine your bf says to you what you are better than others think of you#and then behind your (presumably dead) back tells everyone that you're just an egocentric maniac#i believe turbo has other reasons why he gamejumped (besides jealousy which took place but wasn't the most important reason)#and felix is an unreliable narrator#so yeah turbo HATES his ass#(but still would-) no im not making it suggestive#anyway i hc that turbo had put A LOT of emotions in this relationship even tho he's bad at this#he tried his best with felix but they were just making each other worse#and turbo while feeling betrayed never really moved on (yes even after 25 years he's PATHETIC)#and felix is just full of regret about everything but he won't admit his mistakes in his relationship with turbo#bc “well he turned out to be a bad person so that automatically makes me in the right about everything”#but felix had made a lot of bad decisions while dating turbo and was just classically ignorant about a ton of things#sorry about this random ass essay in tags i'm done for now#wreck it ralph#wir
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bandiboo doodle pile
#crash bandicoot#neo cortex#crashtex#and coconina. i am so intrigued + invested in coconina. idr if they've interacted before but their friendship would be beautiful + precious#i just...... love cortex..... he is so.......... flamboyant + pathetic + a failure cartoon evil scientist. i want him#wait who said that? i said it. and i'll say it again. i know who i am + what i like + i will never feel ashamed
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avoidance is my fucking doom man, i know i should go to class but i fucking cant get myself to
#i have. so many absences it's ridiculous to go right now i know it will be worse if i dont go i have to go#ive been just tossing and turning for like 2 hours with some freakign heart palpitations cause im so fucking scared#i was supposed to go last week and i didnt do it then either and every time i feel worse but i cant make myself go#AAAAAAAAA Im gonna die here i know i just have to force myself but i dont want to i want to stay at home which will fix nothing and#make everything worse in the long run#im aware of thsi but i still cant get myself to go idk what to do in this situation i feel horrible augh#i have so many absences I literally went once at the start of the semester and it's been what. 2 and a half months almost 3#i didnt do much for the class and i didnt go to class idk what to do.. theres literally no other way than to force myself to go#i KNOW I'll instantly feel better if i just stay home. i knowww i knowwww but its not going to help anything#i feel like shit and so ashamed and i just really dont want to go through this#FUUCK#im just#completely in panic mode rn. idk if i wont just try to go tomorrow idk if this is a bad decision im still just putting it off#im just totally by myself and cant even talk to anyone to calm down uauauhcgchdhd#im feeling pretty pathetic rn i should be able to do thisss i should be able to do this by myself#this is like self inflicted psychological horror and it's like every other day for me for many years now ouughh
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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You know what's fucking stupid? The little mean voice inside my head that tells me being in a fandom is childish and "aren't you too old for that" and "aren't you feeling ridiculous caring (and projecting) so much for/onto fictional characters" bc literally no MUM, I'm in fact just doing what I love and it's cruel that I feel ridiculous to this day that I'm building up my personality through fictional characters bc I never knew who I really was and fandoms are giving me the opportunity to explore that. Yes ofc that's not "normal" or whatever but is it really that bad? Like I'm feeling better through that, it's giving me motivation to do things. So yeah... Thanks.. another reason I have to unlearn shame I suppose.
#johnny's silly rambles#when i was crying in school and maybe had some merch clothes on I'd feel so ashamed of myself#like oh you're crying and probably thinking what your fav character would do? that's pathetic#and ofc I'm not that anymore like I'm proud of my fandoms and I'm not hiding the fact that I'm in them#and i can even tell people about why i have certain merch and stuff#but back when i was a child i hid that i liked a character better than some people their fucking social security number#i taught myself not to react when their name dropped and not to blush and stuff#which is ridiculous like what's so bad about liking a character????#but past me was so ashamed of everything i enjoyed...#which is making me extremely insecure about the things that i like now as well tho#like when someone would say they don't like bsd I'd feel genuinely hurt#hm actually not bsd as a whole probably. it'd probably be more like if the person didn't like ranpoe#or when my mum said that she thought mtp was absolute garbage#(we watched the first 10min btw...)#like thanks... you could've phrased that better and now I'm insecure af and sad..#“but i can say i didn't like it” yeah well...#maybe that's my fault for being this insecure#but still i just think that was a dick move#anyways uhhhh thank you for reading this long and also sorry lol#vent
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i hate living with parents dude it is the most soul-draining thing in the world and sucks so bad and makes me so miserable and i cannot communicate with them or explain anything to them and we just do not understand each other and they are always asking me why i have so much trouble doing shit here and no matter what i can never tell them the truth i can never ever ever say its because of YOU!!!!!
#coming back home is the worst#especially when the first thing that is said to me goes along the lines of i went in your room and saw all your stupid shit and hate it#go clean up and throw things out etc#and it feels so stupid 2 have trouble cleaning my fucking room but im like so ashamed of who i am and who i used to be and how i am here#idk#ineed to stop pathetic posting about it
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The only reason I haven't actually relapsed is the blades are too dull...
#ofc im ashamed but i got so upset the other night that i banged my head on the table#i've tried rubber bands but it's just not the same so doesn't really work#i hate that i want to cause myself pain#even though i sometimes look at my arms & legs and hate myself for what ive done there are times where im like they're just part of who i am#god i feel so pathetic#sometimes i wonder if there's something else wrong with me besides my mental disorders#i mean sometimes it's not even about being depressed but rather wanting to just rip my own skin off because it feels wrong#sometimes everything is just too much and i become anxious & angry#bpd#depression#anxiety#mental health#self harm#self destructive behavior#dividesproblems
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🍓
#umm he couldnt even be bothered to react to my messages with emojis?!?!?#like he said that he isnt up for talking and i respect that#i asked him if it's still ok for me to message him and he said 'ofc'#so i did.... i had to push myself bc im feeling like he hates me and doesnt wanna hear from me#all of my disorders saying that haha#so i pushed myself to message him when i wanted to#but.... ok i didnt expect him to reply#but he read it and didnt even give me an emoji#im aware that i sound crazy#this is just how im FEELING#i feel stupid and ashamed for thinking he even wants to listen to me yap about nonsense#i hate myself for being so stupid and sending him pics and a video of the crow i saw#like shut up dumb bitch nobody cares!!!!!!!! shut up#no wonder he cant be in love with me#im pathetic and stupid#his ex that he actually loves is probably smart and witty and cool#and would never be such a fkn loser like i an#am*#god... genuinely hate myself#why dont i know how to shut up??#definitely wont be messaging him anymore now jesus christ im so embarrassing#im still hurt tho like couldnt he at least have reacted with an emoji#is that too much to ask for......#i mean listen in any relationship#where u have disorders.. communication and BOTH ppl making an effort is needed#the only way our 'friendship' is even working is bc im just allowing him to do whatever#and im just dealing with the emotional suffering lol#he doesnt even make an effort to reassure me or anything#so yes i cant force him or ask anything of him. but i FEEL hurt by how im not worthy of anything to him#while im over here allowing him to hurt me constantly sksksk
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transgenerational trauma getting to me tonight
#vent#how did we live like that#i feel so ashamed of myself I have everyhring I cpuod ask for I have so much more than my mom had#i didnt have to work in the fields since I was 4 like my mom did. I have more to eat than bread butter and boiled cabbage a day#I have more than three shirts. I HAVE SHOES. I HAVE A ROOM FOR MYSELF#and i still amount to nothing I'm just pathetically weak I csnt do anyhting#I didn't go to work today because I was feeling 'bad' meanwhile my mom would get whipped or hit with brooms for that#she spent her whole life to make sure my life would be better and I do nothing with it#I hate myself for feeling bad for myself#our grandma's used to be sold off to more wealthy farms on the countryside to work for food since they were little kids and i feel sad#because I can't buy big groceries and cook dishes for myself. i need to smash my head with a rock and maybe remember#that we used to eat grains soaked in milk and sleep on the floor with 6 people in a single room
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Hey uh
anyone here on Art Fight this year or-
Cuz I'm on there, same name and everything. I'm on Team Vampires.
You can like, add me or whatever...I mean, if you want...
I haven't interacted with anyone on here or even really drawn in a couple months, sweet pulsating spider-christ ...
#I KNOW I KNOW I CAN JUST. DO THE THING. BUT I ALSO CAN'T. YKNOW????#I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN I DON'T#I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH HEALTH Y'ALL#and sometimes instead of bouncing back and forth from feeling stable enough to do things and absolute dog shit i just-#-'welp i guess I'll just not do anything! that'll solve all of my problems! I'll get better if i don't do things and just rest and space out#-'WOW I CAN JUST BE ISOLATED AND PATHETIC IN MY ROOM ALL DAY COOL'#like...I EVEN GOT MY PAIN MEDS BACK! AND I QUALIFIED FOR A HIGHER DOSE WHICH IS A MIRACLE BC THIS IS FLORIDA!!#but like. idk.#and it's not like i don't care at all!!! I've missed you guys like fuck!!!! i just feel like I'm so far behind and everyone is on another-#-plane of existence at this point! and the longer it goes the more guilty i feel coming back bc i feel ashamed and lazy...#but i know you guys don't give a shit about at all. and I'm sorry for assuming and being so hard on myself#but also my fandoms are all over the place rn so uh. I'm so sorry LOL#but seriously anyone on art fight?? i really need to get back drawing but it's daunting...#especially since my guess 2 or 3 years were kickass by the last 2 literally no one but my wife interacted with me#one friendly fire from my partner. in two fights. after putting HOURS OF EFFORT THRU CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS into all of those pieces...#i know I didn't draw a fuckton but i just got so discouraged and sad after awhile. and some never even got any attackee comments.#it all felt so damn pointless#but I'm nothing if not a survivor#as Zapp Brannigan once said; 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised'#I'm a hot fuckin mess but even if i barely get any interaction at all again i can at least say i didn't give up-#and put in effort and love like always. no half-assing with art fight unless it's just me and my wife or a friend doin stupid friendly fires#BUT ANYWAY I STILL WANNA FUCK SLASHERS. IF ANYTHING THERE'S STILL THAT. IT'S STILL ME.
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If I see one more fat phobic post involving pastel spider on tiktok I swear to god..
#'Spiderverse: Not far from the frid-' SHUT UP- you look fucking pathetic right now.#making fun of plus sized people is disgusting and I hope everyone who has feels ashamed.#Especially Since THEY ALREADY FUCKING LEFT TIKTOK.#Justice for pastel spider.#Pastel spider#Sorry im posting this here instead of tiktok I would but tiktok is also filled with fatphobic shit heads.#Sorry again for this rant in the hashtags.#Im just so sick and tired of it.
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I saw my psych and had to tell her about my assault and I feel really really bad
#and I emailed her and she ignored me again#like thanks to that was retraumatizing to the point I didn’t move#all evening#and sobbed when I hadn’t been upset over this … in over a year?#or been having flashbacks#and I just want to tell her I was wrong#I did they’re back and I feel sick and embarrassed and guilty and stupid and ashamed and pathetic#and I feel that way a bit about every so called trauma and I just want to be worth something#so maybe I don’t feel so sick from all of this
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It’s honestly still legitimately jarring to me that he was so wounded by me telling him that I hate his pets and they make my life worse while we were sitting in the er and I was bleeding out of my literally eyeball after his cat slashed me. How the whole event was about how much I hurt him by saying that and the expectation that I should apologize and make it up to him for it. Like moths after the fact I’m still plagued by nightmares about it. I have embarrassing panic attacks around cats now. But I’m the inconsiderate monster who isn’t accommodating his debilitating RSD by hurting his feefees. While bleeding out of my Literal. Eyeball.
#this is goggles#it may be vindictive of me but I genuinely hope he has to endure a scenario like this in my shoes#I hope his next partner has a shitty out of control pet that legitimately traumatizes him and sends him to the er to deal with the wounds#I hope his next partner makes his distress all about their pathetic ego and forces him to feel guilty and ashamed for being traumatized#I hope that he has to experience the full scope of what I have#and I hope he has the sense to learn something about himself from it all#though I doubt he will#he’s so fuckin stupid I doubt he could count to ten without all his fingers
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Lazlow Jones...
#egg's art#fanart!!#gta v lazlow#gta v lazlow jones#lazlow jones gta v#lazlow jones#gta v fanart#I feel ashamed for even tagging thos#the autism has cursed me to like the character based on a real person but the self insert is a pathetic sad man#so I can't win either way lol
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each day i sit here waiting and hoping and hoping and hoping you’ll send me a message. every time my phone rings i hope it’ll be your name on my screen
#i gave you my word and i’m gonna keep it#i won’t reach out#but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out#i want you to so unbelievably bad#i’m so weak in this and i’m not ashamed of that#i hope you’re doing okay#i miss you so much#my anxiety has been insane in all of this#cause all i want is you#i feel and sound pathetic#i wonder how you’re doing with all this#am#daisy 🌸
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