#but i dont need to to understand how awful it is
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Steps of creating a 3D model replica from scratch
trace photos of character from available and cleanest angles. attempt to get a 90 degree*, front and back, side profile and straight on of the face. save additional reference photos such as bottom of body, back, and various extra angles without tracing which may help reference later on.
*more on angles later, but trying to get a 90 degree from each side is the most realistic and practical option if you dont actually have the character you're copying
2. block out the body and head
and by block i mean, yeah, its made out of elaborate rectangles
4 aha, you thought I would hand sculpt those? no. no. I used the curve tool to add these swirls. And yes i exactly traced them over the drawings to match the original as best as possible. The end of the curve tool is flat by default so I added a few spheres to make the ends nice and round. (there is absolutely a way to make the ends of curves rounded but I did not feel like looking it up or messing with the settings)
this wasn't mirrored to the other side- I traced both sides of the body and the front from photos and sculpted the swirls for each side. I couldn't get a single photo of the swirls at the butt area so I just winged it.
6 I am struggling to not make Cha Cha look angry.
I feel like the eyes are basically traced off the original and yet she looks so much grumpier. maybe it just needs to be smoothed out?
I added a little definition to the area around the eyes and I do think it looks a little better. The more definition I add in this stage the better, because I prefer this to sculpting. However, if you're more adept at sculpting you would probably not make this as detailed.
7 Here she is after smoothing everything out in sculpt after remeshing, in both Eevee (left) and Cycles (middle/right). still trying to figure out how best to render things. For some reason her nose ended up lighter in cycles but i cant be bothered to fix that rn
On the previous step I made the elements of her face + ears mirrored but once I start sculpting I'm not using the mirror tool. In fact nothing ends up mirrored, even the back right foot is slightly shifted in position.
this is probably not even the final version, I think i might redo the smooth/sculpt part and fiddle with the underlying shapes (basically go back a step)
Cha Cha's face. is one of the most difficult things to sculpt. It is extremely difficult to understand the shape of the underlying sculpt because there aren't any photos of her with the eye paint removed. There are so few of her out there I don't think anyone would willingly remove the paint to make a custom or anything unless it was in truly awful condition, and I dont think that has ever happened.
I have saved dozens of references from a number of different sites- these pics here are from etsy, the above was from the wiki. Her eyes are different from every single other pony and pony and friends- they're so bulging, so round, the eyelashes are longer. It's wild.
I can only see all the things that are wrong with it.
It's basically impossible to get something like this 100% perfect unless you have like, a set of turnaround photos all from the same angle that you can match up to the camera. You can basically overlap references with the camera view but you will never know the exact angle so if you make edits from multiple angles like this you'll inevitably not match each angle and then have to go back and adjust the angles and then you're fiddling with it infinitely. That's why I usually go for the "trace 4 angles and make the rest up as you go along" method.
I don't want to spend _too_ long on every model I make- the Takara pony which took 6 months really shows how far down the rabbit hole I will go with something like this, and it's just not practical. But I think with a slight amount of fiddling I can match the reference a little better.
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@karmablacks requested this but i figured some of you guys might want to see it too, that's why i'm posting this here! so here's alan, leo, and ren's casual / pajama fullbody!! ft. kaito.. in his boxer.. (under the cut)
it's actually so fun to play around with their expressions since the range of motions on their face are so many! i personally love to make them blush (by them i mean my husband, jin HAHAHA)
but moving their body parts?? that's pretty hard for me, at least manually (it looks awkward). praying that when i have the time, i can play around some more because currently i'm being beaten by life
#sorry i only appear once in a blue moon#i want to be active in here but i dont understand tumblr tbh😭#i want to brainrot about tokyo debunker with people too but i'm so awkward</3#anyway i forgot who it was but i think someone asked how to view them in live2d?#to whoever that was you can dm me and i'll try to help! although i must warn you that i'm awful at explaining lol so i'm sorry in advance#but my inbox and dm are always open if anyone needs help or just want to talk<3#tokyo debunker#alan mido#leo kurosagi#ren shiranami#kaito fuji
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me when big youtuber says that DID isn't real and something thats for "kids who watch too much tiktok who start to think they're anime characters in real life"
#blah blah blah#to be clear I am NOT a system#as. far as I know. fdjgsfsd#but I have multiple friends who are and I have big feelings#I've hated the tiktok fake claimer bullshit since it fucking started tho#fake claimers are SO FUCKING ANNOYYYYYING#LIKE SHUT UUUUP#i really dont see how implying DID isn't real has AAAAANYTHING to do with the topic of the video#just bc the person he's talking about says they have DID#i dont care if it's weird or confusing shut the fuck up about stuff that you don't fucking understand#like the person is awful yeah but i don't understand why it was needed to brush off DID as some tiktok disorder#shut up shut up shutup
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I've been seeing a bunch of people adding disclaimers to their billford posts clarifying that they have critical thinking skills about abuse and abusive relationships, and I 100% understand that impulse. When I first made this blog I added disclaimers like that onto nearly everything. But, if it makes the folks adding those disclaimers feel any better: after I stopped writing essays trying to prevent people from taking my billford posts in bad faith, absolutely no one got mad at me in my inbox or on any of my posts, and I've been posting about billford for years now. In my experience the majority of people who are uncomfy with this ship nowadays will simply block and move on. Some folks will disagree no matter how many disclaimers you add, and that's ok
#godsrambles#another thing i realized once i started engaging with this ship is that literally everyone who was still posting in the tag-#-DOES have an extremely nuanced understanding of their relationship and has plenty of critical thinking skills#i feel shitty for ever needing to have a realization about that in the first place tbh!#but i get that when youre surrounded by people saying 'ugh how can people not realize how awful it was in canon' you can get worried about-#-people assuming the same of you unless you loudly announce 'i have critical thinking skills i prommy:(' on every post#just wanted to say. hey. listen. its ok. its ok to join in wholeheartedly#the hypothetical no reading comprehension billford shippers youre worried about? practically nonexistent#youre also kinda shitting on the very people who would love to talk about their dynamic with you when you try to distance yourself from them#which i very much dont mean in a 'how dare you' kind of way#i just mean it in a 'ive been there and believe me youll be so much less stressed if you let yourself post for the audience-#-who will already assume good faith on your posts instead of posting for the audience who will most likely just block you anyway
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btw im gaining some attention so anyone here for vees stuff!! if you think the vees are better off without valentino!! and hate on him constantly!! and say that vox deserves better!! get off my blog!! block me!! i don't want that negative energy towards my babygirl on my page!! i recognize that valentino does awful things, and he is a terrible person, but if you think he's the only one of the vees that's super awful then please go away <3 vox and velvette are literally no better, they AID HIM in what he does (velvette's love potion, vox's advertising of said love potion, not to mention their own personal issues). you can hate him as much as you want but if you want him dead because vox and velvette need to get away from him or you think they're too good for him, please dni!!
#i fucking HATE how val treats his employees and angel but does that mean i hate him as a character? no#he's awful yes but that's the point and its the same with the other vees#anyway sorry for mini rant it came to me in a vision#the vees are all my babygirls and i want it to be known they are ALL awful people and nothing they do is okay#they are fun fictional characters that we can have fun with#nothing they do is okay and i know that#i understand if you don't like any of them for any given reason and its very valid but if you think vox and velvette need better than val#then please go away <3 thank you#this applies to any vees apologists too . go away i don't want people who think their actions are okay on my page because i DONT#SORRY MINI RANT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ALL ARE CLEAR#xanrants#should i tag this with the characters idk#maybe i will#hazbin hotel
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people are discoursing about the laios and shiro fight bc that was always going to happen but i do hope that wave crests quickly and we can all come to see it as what it is: literally one of the best written fights between two people who are both entirely justified in their actions and acting without any malice or cruelty of all time
#theres a tendency - especially in action and faction based media (which a lot of fantasy is or is in dialogue with) - to depict fights only#as happening between someone who Is Right and someone who Is Wrong#and getting to see a full on beatdown between two dudes who are both acting in an entirely understandible way and who both dont actually#want to hurt the other at all - to the extent where their desire to maintain a positive relationship with each other is the SOURCE of their#conflict in the first place - is just so cathartic to see#like unpopular opinion but sometimes you do just need to Fight someone to work through issues youre having#like irl i would not recommend that extent of Force obviously#but if you're two people in a situation where neither has active power over the other sometimes the healthiest option involves expressing#and receiving genuine anger that is not filtered through a social buffer#like sometimes you just need to yell that someone is pissing you off by how much they invade ur time and space and sometimes you need to#yell that someone is sabotaging your ability to interact with them by not expressing any discomfort with your behaviour ever#AND MOST IMPORTANTLY SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BE YELLED AT#BECAUSE it sucks. it sucks to experience and until you can both share that space of feeling awful with each other youre not gonna get past#it and you're not gonna understand each other's pain#i think they're both wonderfully well written characters and its a testament to their depth as people that i can so easily understand why#and how both of them are behaving the way they do#im still only like halfway through the manga but it is like my favourite character interaction scene so far#fred says a thing#dunmeshi
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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hot take: most dissomei labels are incredibly extreme and overly careful for literally no reason. like i dont think you need to put an entire "this term DOES NOT support transitioning if its harmful and it isnt voluntary and doesnt override your physical body EVER!!!!!!" disclaimer thats 2+ paragraphs long when its like. dissorainbowhair or something
#i understand putting that diclaimer when its something like race or neurodivergency or something#but. you do realize that like. nonhumans are fine. right? like if someone identifies as nonhuman and transitions in some way thats fine#and wanting to have like. purple blood. is also fine#you dont need to yell for multiple paragraphs about how much youre against transitioning or identifying as something when its not harmful#at certain points it just seems really fucking mean and dumb when its dissoredeyes or something#its ESPECIALLY awful when its dissocat or something. just straight up being anti-alterhuman at that point
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trying to find some oldass drawings of one of my first sonas i havent been able to find em yet but instead ive just been unearthing all these old notes an ex friend and i would pass to each other back in middle school
#fucking insane i forgot abt a lot of these. i feel kinda bad keeping them that person kind offfff completely ruined my and many of my#friends lives but also. theyre kinda funny to look back on idk#theres one they made that was like ‘i drew the 2 of us as guys haha no reason lol’. idk how he identifies now but back then they were#very very openly a lesbian and last time id heard of him he had transed his gender#i remmeber . so clearly feeling some kinda way abt the art i couldnt articulate at all at the time. Lol#god that whole situation was so fucked im not gonna get into all my personal middle school bullshit becuz it was soooo stupid but like. man#insane#i know ive always been kind of a pushover ill admit but its soooo frustrating looking back like. man..HOW did i just not say anything at al#i wouldnt have gotten into that whole mess if id just been honest 😭 i mean tbh that guy was . i dont want to say anything too like . awful#he was going through a lot absolutely had his own issues they were working thruwe were all like 12 but again .#completely ruined me nd my friends lives for a while . i feel like he wouldve just pulled rhe same thing w someone else as the main target#okay no i need to stop talking abt this i said i wouldnt over share#its mostly just funny seeing all the old art tbh. most of it was before shit got bad so its sorta bittersweet in a way#inquisitivewaltz.txt#i dint know why im talkign abt this sorry#this is honestly something i think abt a lot sometimes . especially the stupider nd more mundane bits#but it was such an awful part of all out lives i cant really discuss it much w friends#everyone else has a much more ‘thank god were not in that anymore now lets pretend it never happened’ outlook on it which is understandable#idk#sorry im oversharing again i need to start keeping a journal or some shit
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Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening
OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.
sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.
i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .
#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol#anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol#i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious;#ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc#then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close.#next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go.#they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state#i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go.#like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away.#yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u#to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds#if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing.#my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left#in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself#22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world#i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too#i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like#i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this#situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it#ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming.#at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy#while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday#like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh.#i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare#and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth???#truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin#when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!!#its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever#mcr#when will mcr return from the war
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Sometimes things bother me
#and i 100% dont say them out loud on the internet cause i dont wanna get crucified#but people distilling shit around chillchuck to just being “shotacon” pisses me off for reasons i know they dont intend#like i relate to chillchuck because im a disabled person#specifically a wheelchair user#ryoko kui did a perspective study of the party from chilchuck's perspective#and of where his eyeline is at on everyone's body#and i haven't felt more seen by anything in a long fucking time#like god chilchuck would understand how fucking awful it feels to be crammed in an elevator right at stomach and crotch height with everyone#and more than just that gut personal relation#half-foots like disabled people live shorter lives and its not clear if thats natural#or if its because they're seen as disposable#and the infantalization is so fucking textbook ableism#like yall thats a whole ass man#next people are gonna be saying its not okay to ship mithrun because he needs a carer#this is what people mean when they say shipping rots people's brains#it goes both ways#and it makes it impossible to really explore the complex topic of relationships in fiction#the portrayal of those relationships and how they interplay with the wider story#and you just flatten everything to Ship Good and Ship Bad or Shippable and Not Shippable#it makes it impossible to talk about actual problems in fan communities and point out actual dangerous behavior#because everyone's pointing fingers over shit without having proper discussions#and talking about characters like the#they're real people#while ignoring the things real people do do other real people#because they're treating people like characters#chilchuck is a blurry fucking line and because of that the devil is in the details#twitter ruined the internet with it's character limit by eliminating nuance#and all the algorithms eliminated context by shuffling shit out of chronological order#and this whole little mini rant is disjointed as fuck cause im doing it in tags#so i can only see half of my previous thought
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My Emotional Breakdown is over people somehow not understanding that I want them to stop talking about what happened to me as if they have any right to talk about the situation.
#Vague posting about it isn’t helpful. Putting it on websites where I don’t have accounts isn’t helpful#Let. It. Die.#You do not know me nor do you know what happened to me and what I chose to talk about online#I see posts about the situation everywhere that have either blamed me or said that they do not want to take my side which I dont care about#But I am tired of seeing things about it months after I was finally given the freedom to talk about it#Does it not compute to you that It was not an internet friend who I talked to once in a while? I saw this man face to face every day#It was a real man in my actual life who gave me actual PTSD So stop talking about it like I said months ago.#I’m tired and I want to lay this to rest#Just leave me alone I don’t need posts on your sideblogs mentioning what happened to me or how it was addressed#I hate having to plead for a Fandom to just leave me alone because why don’t you get it? Why do you think you can give your opinion on this#I sincerely apologize for this post but I am worn down I am tired and I am in an awful place and there is nothing more that I want than for#-People to understand that I want them to stop#I don’t know how many times this Fandom will not listen to me
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“But no one actually ‘looks’ through [modern telescopes]. Margaret Huggins lamented the shift from gazing at the heavens to squinting at tiny patches of light. Now we’ve gone much, much further. In today’s astronomy, photons of light from the sky, along with the celestial secrets they contain, are picked up by electronic detectors, converted into digital data and crunched through impossibly complex equations by some of the most powerful computers on the planet. In 2016, bricklayer-turned-astronomer Gary Fildes described visiting Chile’s Very Large Telescope (VLT) in his best-selling book An Astronomer’s Tale. Incorporating four mirrors, each 27 feet wide, the VLT collects visible and infrared radiation and can distinguish points in the sky separated by less than a millionth of a degree. Here, at the forefront of today’s attempts to understand the stars, Fildes was struck by the sight of scientists hard at work in control rooms, eyes glued not to their telescopes but to banks of screens: ‘They didn’t look as if they had seen the real sky for days.’”
- The Human Cosmos: Civilization and the Stars by Jo Marchant
#brot posts#astro posting#GOD this puts to words something i really felt#as someone who fell in love with the idea of astronomy as this awe-filled wonder of the vast universe#and then going to college and sitting in a fucking dark classroom at the brink of dawn fucking 8am and doing nothing but MATH !!!!#like - theres no judgment here#very very obviously we need these technologies and math techniques to truly understand astronomy#but like the whole thesis to this book (so far? im thinking) is that like#in doing so - you lose something fundamental#astronomy is one of if not theee oldest sciences known to humanity#but the way it was practiced for millennia upon millennia of human history is so incredibly different from how we practice it now#i got a whole ass Bachelors of Science in Astronomy and never once was i required to actually look at the night sky .#and i dont think this same phenomenon exists in other fields of science#like as time goes on we ofc learn more and theres a certain level of abstraction as you get more separated from the immediate knowledge#afforded by your immediate senses#but the level of abstraction for astronomy is just. not really seen as much or as bad in other fields? imo?#anyway i remember a while ago saying that as i got further through my degree the less magical space felt to me#compared to when i was younger and knew nothing at all#and i said yeah its nice to /know/ things now but i still miss that magic when everything was new exciting and real#but you lose something. that magic. that soul. when your astronomg experience is not actually stargazing#but instead sitting in a room doing math on paper or doing nothing but staring at a computer screen
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huh.
#eli.txt#idk i think ive been slowly forgiving my sister for how deeply hurt i felt when she moved out bc now I Get It. like I Get It#when she moved out i was. 9. and in my head i thought she had left because of me. because i wasnt the easiest kid in the world and i know-#-she had a hard time dealing with me when we were alone. we're so far apart in age we couldnt connect for most of my life. and in my head#that was the reason she left home. bc of me. bc she was tired of *me.*#i know now thats not true. and i understand now why she had to leave because if she felt the way im feeling then goddamn im glad she got ou#this feeling SUCKS. nd like#yeah this probably has to do with my father's daughter and the fact that she refused to even meet me until our dad died.#it took my dad dying for my sister to even be in the same room as me. that really messed with me as a kid. like it REALLY did.#so when my sister left home i just kinda went. oh okay neither of my sisters want anything to do with me! i will be alone forever! got it!#AND I KNOW NOW THATS NOT TRUE ON EITHER OF THEIR ENDS. I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP W MY DADS DAUGHTER AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL#BUT I DONT HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST HER ANYMORE BC GOD HER MOTHER WAS AWFUL AND I GET WHY SHE DIDNT WANT TO MEET ME BC OF EVERYTHING#BUT LIKE. THAT MESSED ME UP AND I JUST STRAIGHT UP ASSUMED BOTH MY SISTERS HATED ME FOR SO LONG.#AND NOW THAT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE I CAN SEE SO CLEARLY. MY SISTER NEVER HATED ME I WAS NEVER THE REASON SHE LEFT.#I CAN LET GO OF HOW HURT I FELT BECAUSE I ALSO NEED TO LEAVE#god i dont wanna hurt my mom though.#dont think i could leave her completely alone in this apartment. i dont think i can do that.#anyway. hi tumblr did you like todays oversharing episode
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🐁☁️🌫️
#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant#nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it#it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer#ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know#it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are#but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom#bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park#i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that#i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none#my sisters havent talked for me in over a year#and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w#nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao#i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots#i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay#and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like#when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things#i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))
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