The most skinny white person will post themselves in a crop top and be like "omg I'm self conches about my tummy so it took me a lot to post this please be nice" and everyone will clamor to call them cute and talk about how they look so good and they're so hot and give them genuine compliments about their body and tons of attention
And I just wanna know where that same level of hype and affection and love and support is for the people who have fat tummies and rolls and stretch marks and even more so for the poc
Why is it that tummy Tuesday and every other event always turns into skinny white person twink day eventually? Why is that?
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today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.
when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.
i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.
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Something about how loudly Edwin says Charles' name in this scene has been driving me insane and I think I've finally figured out why.
When Charles finds Edwin in hell, Edwin is rolled into a little ball of misery, covered in blood and quietly sobbing. It's probably a position he's developed over decades, making himself as small as possible, being as quiet as possible, trying to take up as little space as possible. He's almost pretending he doesn't exist in order to stretch out the moments before the spider finds him and the loop starts again.
And then Charles says his name and Edwin looks up and sees Charles, and it's like all of his defenses just vanish. He doesn't whisper Charles' name, he says it, loudly, as if he has completely forgotten where he is and that they need to be quiet. He gets up, unfurls his limbs, slowly standing up to his full height, taking up space again. Every instinct in his body should tell him to stay hidden and as invisible and silent as possible, but Charles has just smiled at him, and Edwin speaks again, asking "Is that you?" and letting out a shaky breath of relief.
He is completely vulnerable and exposed now, like Charles' arrival has made him completely forget that they are in hell and that he could be ripped apart by a spider doll demon at any moment. All the defences he has built up over literal decades just completely crumble as soon as he hears Charles' voice.
And then the spider comes and rips him away, and I don’t think it would have done (at least not yet), had Edwin not alerted it to his presence like that. I think that’s why this moment wouldn’t let go of me, because I always thought it shouldn’t be this easy for Edwin to abandon a survival tactic he has developed over decades of torture. But all it takes is Charles being there, and Edwin forgets everything else.
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