#but i am not optimistic given what we have to work with

[curio-queries]

I saw Jungkook's documentary this weekend and have just a few thoughts. If you're avoiding spoilers, don't click the cut!

The Hybe Documentary Format

So...as a reminder to you all, I do not have professional expertise in the film industry. I'm just a very discerning consumer. I also haven't seen Hobi's documentary and I watched Road to D-Day while I was quite ill last year so I only vaguely remember some bits. (I'll definitely be getting back to those sooner rather than later though as research for a series of posts I'm developing.) That being said, I think we have enough data points to state that Hybe has absolutely no interest in filmmaking techniques outside of music videos.

I did mostly enjoy my experience seeing this film yesterday and I'm always grateful for any amount of footage the members are willing to share with us but this 'documentary ' was worse than Jimin's Production Diary. Any of you that managed to make it through my rambling review will know how dissatisfied I was with that.

I Am Still is not a documentary, it's a mixture of showcase footage and behind-the-scenes clips, most of which has already been divulged in the various episodes and shooting sketches on YouTube. Honestly, if you're not able to see the film, just go rewatch all of the bangtantv content for JKs solo period and the showcase and you'll be up to speed with 85% of what was in the documentary.

There are definitely some expansions to the storylines featured in the bangtantv content; mostly being anything that wasn't overtly optimistic. For example, we learn a little bit more about just how sick JK was during the Seven/3D promotions. That content likely was pulled from the bangtantv edit because it would have put a damper on the promotions and given certain 'fans' a focus to fixate their vitriol. But overall, it feels more like an extended version of existing content rather than a new work. At least JPD didn't continually feed us footage we'd seen before.

I'm someone who gets completely bothered by previews spoiling content so I didn't watch any of the promos until after I saw it and I am so glad I skipped them because most of the 'original' scenes of the film were featured in least one of them. Alas, that's a separate issue of which I'm definitely in the minority.

Was There No Structure?

Kinda. Like JPD, there is a semblance of a structure: Attempting to follow the chronology of release activities for JKs GOLDEN album through the lens of JKs staement trying to prove that he is still worthy of everything he was being hailed as during the BTS group activities but I don't feel this was successfully executed. It jumps round enough and isn't very successful in explaining the events if you didn't already know about them. The film starts with the SEVEN performance at GMA and footage that we've already seen of JK recording SEVEN, not mentioning anything about the music video or really how JK got involved with the song in the first place. The rest of the story beats have similar missing points.

They have a vague narrative with the 'I Am Still' points but that's mostly carried by subs and a couple of moments that JK mentions himself. I'm not saying it's not true or wasn't top-of-mind for JK during this process but it's not the main point of many of the moment/messages he shared with us during this time period so it feels a little disingenuous since everything else jn this film really only makes sense if you've already seen quite a lot of behind-the-scenes content.

Honestly, it makes me question the intended audience. Obviously, they know that ARMY will shell out whatever we need to when there's new content from our members but most of us will have already seen all of the bangtantv content so we are already familiar with the most of the footage in this film. I genuinely don't think this was produced in such a way to be palatable for audiences not familiar with BTS so who does that leave? Our friends and family that are peripherally aware of the content but haven't learned the basics of JKs album? ARMY with short term memories only?

But again, it seems this film was compiled by an editing team and not lead by a director with experience in crafting a documentary. The only new footage that Ican guarantee was captured with the express purpose of being included in this film was the few clips of JK talking in the practice room with the albums displayed by him. But we all know that's where all of the promo clips were gathered as well. I have issues with that approach as well but I'll leave this point alone for now unless anyone is interested.

Suffice it to say, all of these suppositions over the past year about how JKs documentary was getting special treatment or even questioning about investment in a project up front are dead. This was a product assembled with bits of what they already had completely in-house which was sold for distribution.

So, Did We Learn NOTHING?

No, there are a few Golden nuggets (see what I did there?). I can't recall everything having only seen it once (and having a rather disruptive audience - I swear there were only dozen or so ppl in my theater but I forget how obnoxious teenagers can be. I'm glad they're enjoying and supporting but we really didn't need light sticks flashing during a film and how many times does one person need to get up to answer their phone during this runtime? Three according to the row in front of mine.)

Anyway, something I thought was interesting to learn was that Standing Next To You was initially recorded the day after JK heard it for the first time. And hearing a little more about how JK yearned to perform that song definitelygot me thinking a little more about it. We can't reach any conclusions just with this little nugget but it does open the door to some theories. Like perhaps they were initially planning to have JK record two separate albums? SEVEN and 3D would be the singles of the first and JK would perform them as we saw but perhaps STNY was originally planned to be the single of the 2nd album that would release while he was in the military and thus be unable to perform it? Maybe JK loved STNY so much that everything was grouped into one album and Never Let Go was the only track held back for ms? Definitely some theorizing space to be had now.

Final thoughts?

Similar to my thoughts on the GCF: Budapest (which I feel would have had a much better reception if it had been labeled as a bangtan episode rather than a GCF), I AM Still should not have purported to be a documentary. It was much more similar to the annual Memories compilations. But the general public would not have shelled out the $25 to go to a theater to watch a Memories DVD so alas, we have our content packaged as a ~documentary~...

Did my view on the music change at all? Not because of the documentary. We're coming up on the year anniversary of GOLDEN and it's still definitely not my favorite. I completely understand why some people like it but it's just not to my taste. The overall impact falls a little flat for me. Too much breadth and not enough depth. I came into my musical soul during the 00s emo phase and will always be a sucker for music that absolutely drips in an emotional way rather than catchy songs vaguely referencing heartache and love. Again, just a matter of viewpoint.

I do think most of these songs stand much better being shuffled amongst other artists in a Playlist and several of them are significantly better when JK sang them live but I still won't be listening to them regularly. I wholeheartedly believe JK completed his task of proving himself as an extremely dedicated and versatile singer and performer. He's definitely got some solid points added to his resume after this project.

[darrowsrising]

I still think that having Atlas built to be the ultimate enemy for Darrow, only to be then sacrificed for Cassius to have a grand moment and for Lysander to take his spot is not subversive.

It's just disappointing. Sure, the actual duel was well-written, but the actual choice doesn't work no matter how it is spinned. Atlas was more seasoned, more intelligent, beyond master strategist at this point and his parallells to Darrow helped create tension.

Now I am supposed to buy Lysander, because he has Eidmi. He also got Kyber out of nowhere and no amount of fan wanking could sell this guy to me as Darrow's nemessis. He is a foil, while there is tension via anti-parallels and motifs, Lysander is not Atlas and the ice is getting thin.

[francy-sketches]

No guys you don’t get it grrm announcing the dunk n egg show means he’s confident he can write more of those books soon and he’s not going to do that until twow is done wich means he’s close to getting it done and it’s coming out tomorrow. Trust me

[beholdthemem]

The universe saw fit to gift my grandmother with a lovely case of covid for Christmas because of course it fucking did, so the past few days have been, uh...

Busy.

[idkyetxoxo]

Daemon Targaryen - Rogue Desires

Summary - Under pressure to marry, she is drawn to Prince Daemon during a tourney. Despite her father's disapproval, their flirtation intrigues her. When Daemon proposes, she's torn, but his vow to win her hand ignites hope, after all, the rogue prince always gets what he wants.

Pairing - Daemon Targaryen x Hightower reader

Warnings - None

Word count - 2172

Masterlist for Daemon • House of the Dragon General Masterlist.

"Remain with Alicent and our father up there, and do not stray," Gwayne commanded, his voice laced with both authority and concern as he meticulously adjusted his armor. Apparently, maintaining decorum fell to him.

I rolled my eyes, a habitual gesture of defiance. His instructions felt as suffocating as the armor he was so preoccupied with.

"And where else would I go, brother?" I retorted, meeting his disapproving gaze with equal stubbornness. "I am not a child; do not treat me as one."

Focusing on the final adjustments to Gwayne's armor, my fingers worked swiftly, tightening the straps to ensure everything was secure. As I finished, I felt an intense gaze on me, a tangible weight pressing down.

I glanced up to find Prince Daemon watching me from across the field.

Our eyes locked, and even as I turned to face him fully, his gaze remained fixed. A smirk slowly curled on his lips, clearly amused by our exchange. His presence lingered, unsettling even as I tried to shift my focus.

With a slight, resigned sigh, I turned back to Gwayne, tightening the final straps with a bit more force than necessary. The weight of Daemon's gaze lingered like a shadow as I moved to join Alicent and Rhaenyra.

"Sister!" Alicent greeted me warmly, enveloping me in a hug as soon as I appeared before her.

"It's been quite some time since we were last reunited," she remarked, to which I responded with a sweet smile.

"Indeed, my dear. I hope you've been well. Has Rhaenyra been keeping you out of trouble?" I asked, casting a glance at the princess nearby, her presence a comforting constant.

"It's more so me keeping her out of trouble," Alicent chuckled, prompting Rhaenyra to scoff playfully.

"If that's what you'd like to believe," she retorted, and the three of us shared a genuine moment of laughter.

As I surveyed the box, my gaze met our father's. Despite my efforts to maintain composure, my expression soured.

"Father," I greeted him with forced politeness. His nod of acknowledgment was devoid of warmth, his face a mask of neutrality concealing a myriad of unspoken expectations and disappointments.

Sighing, I settled down beside Alicent and Rhaenyra.

"He's still upset," I murmured quietly, my attention drifting to the announcements for Prince Daemon's match, which I observed with forced interest.

"He's not upset," Alicent countered optimistically, her unwavering positivity attempting to soften the sting of our father's disapproval.

"He's angry," I corrected her in a hushed tone, feeling the weight of his unspoken reproach settle like a stone in my chest. "Angry that his eldest daughter remains unmarried and childless. He believes my time is running out, that I'll end up alone."

"You will not end up alone," Rhaenyra interjected firmly, her voice filled with conviction as she sought to reassure me. "Any nobleman would be fortunate to have your hand." Her words were kind and well-intentioned.

I returned her smile gratefully, though the weight of my father's expectations lingered heavily in my thoughts.

The joust began, and Daemon and my brother clashed fiercely, the contest ending with Gwayne being carried away, his face marred by dirt and blood. Triumphant, Prince Daemon rode towards the royal box where Alicent, Rhaenyra, and I stood.

As Daemon approached, he smiled up at us, his eyes lingering on me, the unfamiliar face among familiar company. He spoke with playful curiosity.

"I do not recall your name, my lady," he remarked, his gaze twinkling.

"That is because I have never given it to you," I replied with a sly smile, feeling a gentle press from Alicent on my arm and hearing Rhaenyra's amused chuckle beside me.

Daemon's expression shifted to one of impressed amusement at my boldness.

"I am the sister of the knight you just callously defeated," I added, meeting his gaze.

"Lady Hightower," he acknowledged with a nod, his eyes gleaming with admiration. "Well then, I would like to request your favor. I am certain I will not need the luck, but I would love to have it," he said with a roguish grin.

I turned to retrieve the wreath, aware of my father's disapproving glare. Avoiding his eyes, I cleared my throat and confidently took the wreath.

Walking back to Daemon, I placed it on his lance with deliberate grace.

"I wish you luck, rogue prince, though I'm sure you will not need it," I said with a wink, my tone teasing yet sincere, as I returned to my seat. Daemon beamed up at me, clearly amused.

The joust continued, culminating in Ser Criston Cole's victory. The crowd erupted in cheers as he dismounted and approached the royal box, his eyes fixed on Rhaenyra. With a graceful bow, he requested her favor, and she obliged, placing her wreath on his lance.

As the festivities wound down, we began to shuffle out of the royal box towards our chambers. Walking alongside my sister and the princess, the fatigue of the day began to catch up with me.

"It has been a long journey," I admitted with a soft sigh, stifling a yawn. "I'm quite tired. I'll see you both later, perhaps," I added, bidding them goodnight as we parted ways.

With that, I took my leave and headed toward Alicent's chambers, where I would be staying. My mind wandered, lost in thought, as I absentmindedly tugged at a loose thread on my sleeve.

Suddenly, I collided with someone, nearly losing my balance.

"Prince Daemon," I gasped as he caught me, his hands steadying me around my waist. "Lady Hightower," he replied smoothly, his hands lingering on my waist.

"I'm afraid my favor wasn't much help in your outcome today," I teased, biting my lip playfully as I looked up at him, our faces now mere inches apart.

"I was merely distracted during the match," he countered with a mischievous glint in his eye, amusement dancing in his voice.

"Distracted?" I echoed, raising an eyebrow in mock disbelief, though secretly thrilled by his admission.

He nodded, his expression both earnest and teasing. "There was quite an intriguing lady watching me today," he confessed, his tone playful yet sincere.

A blush crept up my cheeks despite my efforts to maintain composure. "What was so intriguing about her?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light and casual.

Daemon chuckled softly, the sound resonating deep within me. "She had a sharp wit and a bold spirit. Quite captivating, honestly," he replied, his gaze fixed on mine with an intensity that made my heart skip a beat.

I glanced away, suddenly feeling bashful under his scrutiny. "Well, I suppose you should have been paying more attention to your opponent," I quipped, attempting to regain some semblance of composure.

His smile widened, a hint of admiration in his eyes as he continued to hold my gaze. "Perhaps," he conceded, his voice low and intimate. "But some distractions are worth the risk."

The flutter in my chest grew stronger as I found myself drawn to him in ways I hadn't anticipated.

"Unhand my daughter this instant!" a voice called out, startling me. I jumped, pushing Daemon's hands off me and stepping back hurriedly.

My father emerged from the shadows, his face a mask of disapproval. Daemon's jaw tightened, his earlier playfulness evaporating.

"What do you think you're doing, allowing someone like him to sully you?" my father demanded, his voice sharp with anger.

"Father, it's not what you think," I began, my voice trembling, but he cut me off sharply.

"You know better than this," he continued, his voice rising. "You remain unmarried despite your age, and now you give people an opportunity to question your virtue."

Hot tears pooled in my eyes as his words cut deep, the humiliation and frustration of the day boiling over, leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable.

"Lord Hand," Daemon interjected firmly. "There is no need for such harshness. I assure you, your daughter's virtue is intact."

My father glared at Daemon, his eyes narrowing. "Your assurances mean little to me, Prince Daemon. You are known for your reckless behavior. I will not have my daughter associated with such scandal."

"Father, please," I pleaded, my voice barely above a whisper. "Nothing inappropriate happened. We were just talking."

"Talking?" my father scoffed. "It looked far more intimate than mere conversation."

"Lord Hand," Daemon said again, stepping forward. "I understand your concerns, but I assure you, my intentions are honorable."

"Honorable?" my father sneered. "Your reputation precedes you, Daemon. I will not allow you to drag my daughter into your debauchery."

The tension between them was palpable, and I felt trapped between their opposing forces. Desperation clawed at me as I searched for a way to diffuse the situation.

"Please, can we discuss this calmly?" I implored, looking from my father to Daemon. "There has been a misunderstanding, and I would like to clarify it."

My father looked at me, his anger still evident. "Very well," he said coldly. "We will discuss this in private. Prince Daemon, I expect you to keep your distance from my daughter."

With that, he turned on his heel, leaving no room for argument. I cast a quick, apologetic glance at Daemon before following after my father, my heart heavy with dread.

As we walked, my father's words echoed in my mind, each one a painful reminder of the expectations and limitations placed upon me.

The encounter with Daemon, which had felt like a fleeting moment of excitement and possibility, now seemed tainted by my father's harsh judgment.

Once we reached the privacy of Alicent's chambers, my father turned to me, his expression stern.

"You must be careful," he admonished. "Your actions reflect not just on yourself, but on our entire family. You cannot afford to be so careless."

"I understand, Father," I replied, my voice shaking. "I did not mean to cause any trouble."

"Remember your place and your duty. This family's honor rests on your shoulders as much as anyone else's. Do not forget that," he reminded me.

With those final words, he left me alone in the room, the weight of his expectations pressing down on me. I sank onto the edge of the bed, feeling the sting of unshed tears. The night had taken its toll, leaving me emotionally drained and unsure of what the future held.

─── ✦⋅♡⋅✦ ───

The next day, much to Alicent and Rhaenyra's dismay, I spent most of my time wallowing in my chambers. Their persistent urging finally broke my resolve.

"Give me some time to get dressed, then I'll join you in the gardens," I said, my voice tinged with exhaustion.

"Do you swear it?" my sister asked, her eyes full of skepticism. I nodded, and they both left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

With a heavy sigh, I rose and began to prepare myself. I combed through my hair, pinning it back with a single braid that elegantly crossed the crown of my head. Slipping into a simple green dress adorned with gold beading, I tried to muster the strength to face the day.

As I walked slowly through the gardens, I spotted him in the distance. Daemon turned in my direction, and I instinctively looked down, quickening my pace to avoid him.

"Lady Hightower," he called out, his voice commanding and impossible to ignore. I paused, my breath catching as he effortlessly closed the distance between us.

"I do not think this is wise, Prince Daemon," I said, my voice trembling slightly. He scoffed, a hint of amusement in his eyes.

"So now you cannot even speak to me?" he asked, his tone laced with irony. I finally looked up, meeting his gaze.

"My father was right; it is inappropriate. If I wish not to remain unmarried, I cannot spend my time like this," I explained, trying to sound resolute. He paused, considering my words.

"Then marry me," he proposed suddenly, and I almost choked on my breath.

"What?" I managed to stammer, disbelief evident in my voice.

"Marry me," he repeated, a confident smile playing on his lips as if he were merely discussing the weather.

"My father would never allow that," I said, shaking my head firmly, trying to dismiss the idea, yet the thought lingered in my mind like a tantalizing dream.

He scoffed again, waving away my concerns. "I am a prince; there is no better match I can think of," he replied, his arrogance evident.

"And what if I do not wish to marry you?" I challenged, though a part of me already knew the answer.

He laughed, a deep, knowing laugh. "Then you would not have spent this long standing before me," he said, his smile widening as he saw the truth in my eyes.

I bit my lip, considering his words. "If you can get my father to agree to the match, then I will agree as well," I said finally, a small smile tugging at my lips.

Daemon smirked, his eyes alight with determination, a glimmer of triumph shining within them.

"The prince always gets what he wants," he said, leaning in closer, his breath warm against my skin. "And this time, what I want is you."

A warmth spread through me at his bold declaration, the intensity of his gaze holding me captive. "You really think it will be that easy?" I teased, my voice softening into playful intrigue.

"Nothing worth having ever is," he replied.

A/n - Otto Hightower is off seething somewhere

[save-the-villainous-cat]

jaded villain, optimistic hero. PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

"I am not sure what to make of this," the villain admitted.

"I am not really either," the hero said. They let their head sway a little, as so often when they tried to think.

"It's not going to work," the villain said. They took a sip of their coffee and stared out of the window of the diner. It was foolish to assume the hero hadn't known about the villain's favorite place to have breakfast. It was foolish to assume that the hero didn't know anything about them.

The villain wasn't sure what the hero knew about them exactly - that was probably the most dangerous thing about them. The hero could gamble with information, could intimidate people without lifting a finger.

They could get what they wanted when they wanted and how they wanted.

Violence wasn't something the hero avoided but rhetoric was clearly their preferred method of crushing their enemies.

"Why do you think that?"

"You and I...we are just not really made to pose as a couple, are we?"

"Why not?" the hero asked. Their eyes found the villain. Tired eyes finding tired eyes. Given the hero's careful handling with words, the villain was surprised that they had told them a few weeks ago probably the most personal thing the villain would ever get out of them.

I am tired, they had said. I am very tired.

Looking back at the amount of people the hero had arrested this month, that statement was total bullshit. But the villain liked to think that the hero hadn't lied about it.

"Look at yourself. The way you carry yourself alone is totally different from mine. One might think you're military. I look like I crawled out of a dumpster."

"I don't see why two people like that shouldn't be acquainted," the hero said. They shrugged and tilted their head. "Or in love."

"Well..." the villain took another sip of coffee, "I just don't think it is very convincing. Why should someone like you be with someone like me? I doubt I can change my entire personality for one of your missions."

"You're not supposed to change your personality. In fact, I need you to be you." At that, the villain raised a curious brow and the hero kept holding eye contact like a predator eyed its prey. "Your thinking pattern is structurally different from mine. I need you to go through blue prints and codes with me. I need you to steal information and objects if necessary. I need you to kill if you have to. You can do all of this. I can trust you."

"That doesn't mean we look convincing as a couple," the villain said. They looked at the unfinished bagel the hero wasn't interested in anymore and then back at their own empty plate. A sleepless hero was a careless hero.

And a hungry hero was a dangerous hero.

The villain wasn't sure if the hero was a workaholic or if their boss was overworking them. Either way, there was no reason to skip meals and sleep.

"We have known each other for a long time. I know your weaknesses, you know mine. It would include more...touching for sure. But even that is something we have done for quite some time now, isn't it? You don't break someone else's ribs by simply staring at them from afar," the hero said. They took their bagel and stared at it lovelessly. "I am pretty sure I have touched every part of you by now, even if it was accidental."

"Hm." The villain stared out of the window, dully noting the three black vans with men in suits sitting in them, observing the diner. So what if it was actually pretty easy to pretend to be the hero's lover? What then? "It doesn't feel like I have much of a choice."

"I don't mean it to come across like that. You are my first choice for this mission. I know your loyalty knows boundaries and I respect that. I know your services are not for free and I don't have a problem with paying you handsomely. Working with you is easy," the hero explained. They put the bagel on the villain's plate and the villain was fully aware that the hero tried to manipulate them.

"You mean because I follow your commands blindly?" the villain asked. "Last time I did that, I got shot. Now, you want to work with me again. I wonder if that is desperation or if the people who work for you are simply incompetent."

"Compared to what we are able to do together, everyone I work with is incompetent." Despite the manipulative intention, those were sweet words.

The villain smiled.

"That is...somewhat flattering?" The villain took the bagel and turned it in their hand. "My shoulder still aches. Who guarantees that you will have my back this time?"

"I..." Suddenly, the hero didn't look as calculated. They weren't even close to the indifferent business expression they usually put on when they were talking about a deal. Usually, the villain did not talk to the hero with the intention of hitting nerves. It usually never worked out. "I apologized for that already. I sent flowers. It was a mistake. I got distracted. This time, I will protect you. I will put it in the contract, I promise. I will do my best to shield you."

Getting distracted was an interesting way of describing throwing up during a mission.

"I can protect myself. I am simply questioning if you are in the best shape for a two week mission. That's all." The villain leaned back in their seat and studied the hero. To some degree, everyone was pretending to have their shit together and most of the time, the villain was able to see the cracks.

But the hero had never cracked. Had never come close to imperfection except for this. The lack of sleep and food.

The villain doubted anyone would notice. The hero was incredibly untouchable in their line of work. Barely anyone they worked with knew anything about them — just like the villain in the beginning and still, every now and then.

They stared at the hero. At those eyes and that mouth. That nose and those teeth.

"You don't have to concern yourself with that," the hero said. "I promise I will do my best to keep you unharmed."

The villain took in a deep breath.

Fuck it.

"Fine. I'll see you Monday, then?"

"Yes, I will pick you up," the hero said. They were grinning from ear to ear. "Thank you."

"Thank me later."

The hero nodded eagerly and stood up, took the villain's hand to shake it but they did not expect the villain to tie them to the bed of the hotel room a week later while the villain was the one to carry out most of the mission for them.

[just-a-ghost00]

What they thought the last time they saw you?

Decks used : Threads of fate oracle & White Numen tarot. Warning : this reading might be triggering depending on the group you pick.

Group 1

Note : I had to redo this reading because of interferences. When you last met, their might have been other people trying to get your/their attention. I also had to do an unusual type of spread and pick the cards myself instead of shuffling because of these interfering energies. So the context in which you met may have been unusual for you or unpredicted. You or they could have had to change the way they proceed in order to get what you/they wanted.

The Creator, The Pillar, Compassion, Get wild | Knight of swords, 7 of cups rx, ace of swords, 10 of wands

The focus is put more on what they felt than what they thought. And I guess that says a lot about this person. They felt very excited and adventurous. There is a sense of novelty surrounding this meeting. Like this person is taking a new founding step in their journey and they are very optimistic about it. I feel like here we are talking about people that only recently met or whose connection is in the beginning stages. It's more like a crush / new encounter / fresh friendship energy. There might have been a wall or an important structure standing behind this person. Like something that litterally and metaphorically supported them. Right away I am picking up on a stage. Because the image depicted on the Pillar card it reminds me of Paris (Arc de Triomphe) and Italy/Roma (Arch of Titus). If there is maybe one thought that crossed their mind, it was that this moment with you was somewhat magical. They were very grateful, hopeful and beyond amazed by the amount of support and love they felt. It gave them wings and made them want to surpass themselves. But with this feeling of bliss also came a feeling of dread. They felt pressured. Pressured by time and space. Pressured by the passion, by the acts, the words, the people around them. They felt like they were not given a choice or given time to process what was going on. They felt pressured because they didn't know what to think and yet they were expected to have thoughts. They knew that you expected a lot from them and they felt like they were not in a position to honor their duty towards you, to give you proper thought and attention. To communicate clearly how they felt and what they hoped for. Things were going too fast too soon and as much as they loved being with you, they also regret how it went. I was drawn to the depiction of he knight of swords which I mistook for the queen. This knight looks very friendly and charming, and that to me felt unusual. So another thought that might have crossed this person's mind was that your friendliness was suspicious or didn't feel genuine. Maybe because they aren't used to such reactions from other people. They thought it hid something and it made them a little uncomfortable.

Group 2

Note : for this group I felt like picking more cards than the first. I interpret this as them having a lot on their plate. There were a lot of things they regret not doing or not saying. This is them showing that they still care. Then when I started interpreting I felt the urge to cover the cards. They didn't want to see the truth of what was happening.

Ancestors, Speak truth, Death, Sacred sexuality, Reflect | 5 of cups, The Sun, The Tower, The Hanged man, 8 of pentacles

They thought that they were losing something very precious and dear to their heart. And that it is almost impossible for them to get it back unless they work really hard on themselves. We're talking here about people who are in separation and/or in conflict. They realized that you were important to them when it was too late. They thought that had they told you the truth about their family, about their past, potentially about their children, things would have unfolded differently. They thought about telling you they missed you and that losing you would break their heart but they didn't. They were too shocked to speak up. For some people, we're talking about a deceased loved one. There might have been a hidden truth in the family regarding the passing of someone. Possibly a child. That feels like only a small portion of you though. For others, I'm picking up on someone not telling you about their sexual preferences. They didn't have the courage to tell you they couldn't love you the way you hoped because their sexual preferences were different than what you assumed. And as long as they don't regret who they are and what they love, they regret not telling you because they know they betrayed your trust. They thought they ruined your friendship. They though that a time apart from each other was necessary if they wanted to be able to come back into your life. That you would need time to heal and this could only be possible if they weren't a part of your life for a while.

Group 3

Note : for this group I felt the need to shift my position. I was sitting on the ground and I turned my back on the soread. This tells me that one of you has chosen to turn their back on the connection. There was only one card I didn't have to pick. Somehow I think it's relevant to the reading but I don't know what that means.

The Weaver, Soul work, Ancestors, Release | Queen of wands, King of cups, White Numen rx, Queen of cups

"I gave you all and yet you chose to turn your back on me". I heard that very clearly in my head looking at the spread. "There wasn't much to hesitate about. I was right there. It was pretty obvious. You shouldn't have had to pick, just to listen and pay attention". They thought that you were made for each other, destined to be together but you didn't see eye to eye with them on that matter. My skin feels very itchy right now. It's like it didn't feel right for this person to be ignored and chosen over someone else. There could have been several scenarios : some of you could have prefered your family over this person, others you chose another romantic partner over the one that was interested in you. They thought that by chosing a different path, you ruined all chances of this connection to bloom into something beautiful. They truly believed in the potential of what you shared, they were willing to put in the work and they don't understand why you couldn't see it. They're like "everything was written, all conditions were aligned for this to work and yet, you discarded it like it never mattered". For others I feel like you chose your status and career over the connection. They feel like your fame and success mattered more than their feelings or the happiness you could have built together. They thought this situation was unfair. That they have nothing to be blamed for because they know in their heart they did everything in their power to make it work, that they never caused you any wrong. They feel like they were never enough for you or that you didn't like them in the first place.

[yellow-computer-mouse]

fuck it incorrect quotes

Horror: "I lost a bet." Horror: The second-most ominous phrase in existence. Killer: What's the first? Horror: "Let's make a bet."

Horror: I am a ninja. Cross: No, you’re not. Horror: Did you see me do that? Cross: Do what? Horror: Exactly.

Killer: Two truths and a lie, I’ll start! Killer: I’ve killed a man, I will kill again, and it burns when I pee. Nightmare, visibly nervous: I don’t- I don’t like this game.

Killer: BE A BETTER PERSON! Dust: WHY?! Killer: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

*Killer is helping Nightmare break out of prison* Killer: Sooo… Does this make us partners in crime? Nightmare: Don’t push it. Killer: Oh my gosh, we can be like Harley Quinn and the Joker! Nightmare: If you don’t stop talking, they’re adding “murder” to the charges.

Nightmare, to Cross: Please, picking locks is my specialty. Nightmare: *throws a brick through the window* Nightmare: Okay, let’s go.

Horror: What’s your biggest fear? Dust: I am incredibly arachnophobic. Horror, under their breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?

Killer: Are you alright? Nightmare: Short answer or long answer? Killer: Short? Nightmare: No. Killer: Long? Nightmare: Nooooooo.

Cross, gently nudging Horror aside with their foot: Horror, move out of the way so I don’t trip on you. Horror, her eyes enormous: You kick Horror? You kick her body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for Cross! Jail for Cross for one thousand years!

Nightmare, rushing into the room: It’s terrible, just terrible! I am so upset! Cross: Nightmare, dude, sit down! Tell us all about it. Dust, would you get Nightmare some water? Dust: What is he gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, “Thank God, the water’s here!”?

Killer: Cross, we tried things your way. Cross: No, we didn't. Killer: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Cross: You spent all our money on THIS?? Dust, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.

Cross: Okay, who's turn is it to give the pep talk? Horror: It's Dust's turn. Dust: Don't die. Killer, wiping a tear away: Truly inspirational.

Killer: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? Cross: Well, it’s frowned upon. Killer: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? Killer: That’s okay, right?

Dust, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing? Nightmare: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language. Dust: Dust: Water you doing?

Killer: And here we see Dust and Horror in their natural habitat. Texting each other variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make each other laugh. Dust: Gaelic bread. Horror: Grueling brad. Dust: Ha ha, glamorous beans.

Dust: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities. Dust, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

Nightmare: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart? Dream: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am! Nightmare: Mean.

Nightmare: You're alive. Dream: There's no need to sound so disappointed.

Nightmare: I got an idea! Dream: Does it involve breaking the law? Nightmare: By now don’t you think that’s a given? Dream: I was just trying to be optimistic. Nightmare: Don’t bother.

Nightmare: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Dream: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Nightmare: Okay yeah thanks Dream, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?

Nightmare: Hey, thanks for checking in, I’m ✨still a piece of garbage✨

Error: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows. Blue: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Nightmare: We’re going to defeat you with the power of friendship. Dream: We’re not friends. Nightmare, holding an axe: We’re going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence.

Nightmare, writing in his diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Nightmare, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea? Dream: Tea. Nightmare: Wrong. It's coffee.

Nightmare: I failed my safety training course today. Dream: Why, what happened? Nightmare: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?" Dream: And? Nightmare: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Ink: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products! Ink: *sprays hairspray in their mouth* Ink: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good.

Nightmare: I won a new phone in a race. Dream: Huh? What kind of race lets you win a phone, Nightmare? Nightmare: A race between the store owner, the cop, and me.

Dream: Why are you on fire? Nightmare: This is just how my day is going.

Nightmare: You know, I used to play back in my gory days. Dream: You mean glory days? Nightmare: Ah, that too.

Blue: I trusted you! Error: Why?

Ink: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.

[writing-house-of-m]

Till death do us part.

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Genre: Fluff, and some Angst

Warnings: Talks of death, blood and vomiting.

Word count: 7179

Summary: It was a joint decision between you and Wanda wanting to raise your family together full time. There is just one last mission before you retire.

A/N: Who do I think I am, posting three weeks in a row 😂 This one has been a long time coming. I was given the prompt (a long time ago) “She wakes to the sound of you dying.” by @cuinaminute229 - I finally completed it mate! I hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you think 😊

The three of you are running through the halls. You don't know how but an alarm was triggered and now you want to make it out of the building before a fight starts.

Too late.

Turning the next corner you are met with five guards all equipped to take you down.

This is not what you wanted.

The plan was so meticulously thought out, you allowed yourself to be optimistic, that this mission could be done without a hitch, but you should have known. Better to keep expectations low, right?

You can only hope they haven't found out about the support you have outside the building.

Tony, Sam, Vision and Wanda.

Two days ago

"Y/l/n, you're with Rogers and Romanoff."

You look up from the file on the table in front of you to the man holding the meeting feeling slightly perplexed.

"But sir, I'm normally partnered with Wanda because of how well we work together," you blurt out, before you can stop yourself.

"I know, but we need Wanda outside where her powers will be useful while the three of you get the job done inside," the man with the eyepatch clarifies.

You grimace slightly and it doesn't go unnoticed by Fury. So he continues, "I know you like spending time with your wife, agent, but you will have to spend a few hours away from each other this time," he finishes, getting a few chuckles from around the table.

You smile and nod your head to show you have acknowledged him. It is not your fault, you can't help but worry about your wife.

"How about Pietro? Where is he? He'd be perfect for this with his speed," you try to reason.

Fury is still smirking from his previous joke and keeps it going for his audience like this meeting is his very own stand-up comedy set, "Throwing the brother-in-law under the bus isn't going to work," causing another round of chuckles. "His skills are being used elsewhere," he finally clarifies.

Wanda notices your reluctance next to you. She takes your hand from the file to hold in her lap under the table for the rest of the meeting. The weight of her hand and the occasional squeeze she gives it brings you a semblance of calm.

After the meeting is over and everyone leaves to get prepped for the upcoming mission, Wanda speaks to you to reassure that everything will be ok. She has a soft smile on her face, "We've been apart in missions before, we'll get it done and be on our way home in no time."

Her hand still hasn't left yours since she took it earlier. You take a step forward leaning your forehead against hers while taking her other hand in yours, "I can't help but worry, it feels different this time."

You know she can take care of herself but you didn't want to be anywhere that wasn't by her side right now. This mission feels as though it has come at the worst time.

Present day

Taking out the five guards was easy work for the three of you.

Turns out they were just a warm up.

When you make it outside, you see Tony disarming someone who had a missile launcher aimed in Vision's direction. Vision throws two guys into the air that Sam finishes off as he flies past and Wanda, you can't see her, but you can see the red tendrils of her powers meaning she too, was engaged in combat.

After your quick assessment of the area the three of you spring back into action.

The base is in the middle of a forest deep underground. It's the reason the plans were so detailed, Hydra would have seen you coming from a mile away.

Hiding and manoeuvring behind and around trees you do what you are best at - taking down the enemy.

With Natasha by your side, watching each other's backs, you take down a few soldiers next to what looks like a turret. It is shooting out energy blasts to try and knock you unconscious so you can then be taken as prisoners. Once the area is clear you take over the controls using it to take out a similar one on the opposite side of the battlefield.

The machine makes it easy to take down bad guys while you do your best to avoid your teammates. For you this is just another 'day at the office' so your mind drifts to your home life.

Three months ago

Stirring awake you rub the sleep from your eyes. The warmth from your two bodies encased by your covers provide you with enough comfort to make you want to fall back into slumber.

You are about to nod off again when her soft whisper brings you back to reality, "You better not be going back to sleep," Wanda says, her warm breath that smells of toothpaste fans over your face making you smile silly.

"Of course not love," you lie, "I was just thinking about all the things you needed me to do around the house."

You hear her chuckle, "Oh, I'm sure you were." She pushes your shoulder so that you roll on to your back. Wanda presses most of her weight on top of you, stroking your cheek.

With your eyes still closed she places a few soft kisses along your neck and jaw. "Hmm...I could get used to this," you crack open one eye slightly, "but you missed a spot," you say, pointing to your lips.

"Uh uh, not until you've brushed your teeth, Morning Breath," Wanda says, slapping your chest once, causing you to whine as you stretch a little.

Wanda is always the one to wake up first. Usually she will get a head start on anything needed for the day. But considering it is a weekend she has chosen to come back into bed and allow herself a morning to lounge around.

Now, with both your eyes open, you move one of your hands that was resting on her waist to her cheek and look at her freshly washed morning face.

"Good morning," you finally say, rubbing her cheek with your thumb. Despite her 'morning breath' statement she gives you a peck on the lips and returns the greeting.

The two of you have been home for two weeks. No missions. No dire need of your presence required at the compound. Just you, Wanda an-

You hear the patter of small feet and a few knocks on the door signalling the end of your peace this morning.

Having had the luxury of experiencing it more than a few times these past weeks, you know how this is going to go.

"So, what's our play this time?" You whisper to her.

"I like the one where we pretend to be asleep," she whispers back. Being quiet is detrimental so the two, soon to be, intruders are none the wiser.

You take your positions, relaxed bodies, closed eyes, waiting for the unavoidable moment when they can't help themselves and try to sneak into the room.

The sound of a soft click, notifies you the door has been opened, along with hushed tones of, "Shh, be quiet!" You admire their efforts, they are still new recruits in covert operations after all.

When they are close enough the two of you sit up, arms raised with a loud, "AHHHH!" They both let out high pitched shrieks while the two of you can't help but laugh, giving each other a high five, Wanda giggling as she leans against you.

Tommy is the first to speak, "That wasn't funny!" Followed by Billy, "You do this every time," they groan.

You and Wanda are still giggling as the boys climb onto the bed. "That's what you get for trying to sneak in here," you say triumphantly, "when will you ever learn, huh?" You question as they get comfortable between you both.

Wanda can't help but wonder, "Why are you two always awake so early on the weekends?" The boys look at each other while you sit and watch the interaction in awe as she continues, "I struggle to get you out of bed on school mornings."

They turn back to their mother and shrug, "Weekends mean more time for fun," Tommy responds. The boy, always ready with a quick quip.

Wanda gasps as she moves forward, "Why you little-" she says, tickling him.

Tommy begins to laugh while you and Billy giggle as if you're watching a show play out in front of you.

Once everyone settles back down your stomach rumbles, starting off another round of laughter.

"Ok, ok, I think that's the signal for us all to get washed up and get some breakfast sorted," you instruct.

Just like clockwork, Wanda makes her way to the kitchen while you try and get the boys to cooperate.

After a little bit of a struggle to wrangle the energetic boys together you get them to complete their morning routine.

Before you head down, you check to make sure they are done with what they were told and eventually, you make it downstairs disturbing Wanda's peace.

When you arrive in the kitchen, Wanda smiles over her shoulder at you. Kissing her on the cheek, you take over flipping pancakes so she can finish getting morning beverages sorted.

The boys bicker about their toys as they wait in their seats for their pancakes. You and Wanda sit, passing plates around and help with any fruits they want.

You can't help but feel content at the quiet, the only sounds in the room coming from cutlery hitting plates as well as the occasional competitive comment from the boys about who can finish eating first. This is what your life is and you love every second of it.

Both you and Wanda are in agreement, you couldn't be happier with the way your lives have turned out.

These weeks have only solidified yours and Wanda's plans; officially retiring from the Avengers.

Present day

The fight feels never-ending. Bad guys showing up left and right. You can't afford to think about your fatigue, a distraction could mean the difference between life and death.

You feel something rush past you and the three guys you are shielding yourself from behind a sandbag wall are knocked to the floor.

Vibrations travelling through the floor from a loud roar signals Banner is also here, making you smile with relief. You are thankful some backup has arrived.

"What? You didn't see that coming?" The speedster says, putting his hand out for you to take so you can get off the ground. "And where's my thank you?"

"For taking so long? You know, for a speedster, you're pretty slow," you joke back to Pietro.

He laughs lightly before speeding off, "Try to keep up in-law!" The gray haired man taunts.

…

The battle seems to be coming to an end, only a few brave soldiers on the opposing side are still trying their best even if they are losing.

You take in your surroundings and deem the area you are in as clear before making your way to find Wanda. You follow her powers like a beacon to get to her.

Seeing her take out an enemy brings a proud smile to your face. You can see she is exhausted but will always fight till her last breath.

Feeling your presence, she turns to you after taking down a final soldier. She smiles at you tiredly as you make your way to her.

"I'm sorry honey, I wanted to get to you sooner to show you I was okay, but I was a little busy," you say when you reach her, hands cupping her cheeks, rubbing them and feeling her relax a little in your presence.

"Don't worry malysh, I knew you were here," she rests her face in the crook of your neck inhaling, "I could feel you." The vibrations of her voice against you make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on edge.

You take a short moment for yourselves, before you meet with the rest of the team gathered in one place as you usually do once the fight is over.

Making your way, everyone checks the bodies they pass on the floor to make sure they are fully knocked out, ready to be detained. The clean up crew will be here soon.

Walking towards where the rest of the team is, you notice you are the last to arrive. The team all gathers and you relax a little by one of the sandbag walls beginning small chit-chat. You allow Wanda to fully press her back against your front as you lean against the wall, anything to help with the tiredness she is feeling.

Bruce confirms a silent alarm was triggered when you, Steve and Natasha got to the targeted archive room.

All that mattered now was that the mission was complete, with no major casualties.

Wanda is now leaning heavily on you so you keep your arms wrapped securely around her to keep her upright.

As SHIELD agents start to appear they begin their part of the process so your team begins their trek in the direction of the quinjets.

Still feeling a little tired, you wait back with your wife, who is now sitting on top of the wall, to allow her a little more time to replenish some energy. When she is ready she takes your hand leaning into you again after you help her down.

"When we get back I'm running you a nice hot bath," you say into her hair.

Wanda moves her head to make eye contact with you, "I hope you're taking this bath with me," she smiles.

"Like I'd have it any other way," you shake your head, smiling back at her, chuckling.

As you look ahead of you while you walk, you hear something and see some movement from the corner of your eye.

In that moment everything feels as if it moves in slow motion.

You see an enemy soldier laying on the ground. Their arm sluggishly moves, taking something from their belt and pulling the pin. Your eyes widen as you turn to Wanda, pushing her away behind another wall you are passing.

It all happens so fast.

The grenade flying through the air in your direction, followed by a loud explosion of heat.

Your body flies backwards, hitting a tree.

Hard.

In the last seconds of your consciousness pain radiates through your body but all you can think about is if Wanda was out of the blast radius.

One month ago

You seem to be spending more and more time at home now that the Avengers have recruited more help, one of them being Natasha's sister who you were surprised to learn about.

There has been a steady flow of smaller missions where you then get to spend a full week at home. It has been a good time to be able to get a schedule into place. Creating a normal home life for Billy and Tommy.

As you put the boys to bed you hear Wanda in the bathroom throwing up everything from dinner for the third night in a row.

Even though she tells you it must be a bug and that it will pass soon, you feel worried.

-

The next day arrives and you take Billy and Tommy to school on your own for the second time this week when Wanda said she wasn't feeling too good this morning.

She hasn't been able to keep much down, first it was some dinners but the previous day she didn't keep anything down at all.

By the time you get back you hear her in the bathroom emptying the contents of her stomach once again.

You have been kneeling next to her rubbing her back trying to help her through this as much as you can. When she seems to be done, she sits to the side and you help her lean against the wall then take a seat in front of her.

"Three days in a row can't be a coincidence, my love," You think you might know what is causing this but-

"It's too soon, right?" She finishes your thought out loud, "I know I'm late but I thought that was from the stress of everything going on. It took months with Billy and Tommy."

"Either way, I've already made an appointment with Dr Cortez," you can't help the panicked look on your face. Wanda thinks it's admirable so she smiles at you.

"And when did you make this appointment?" Wanda asks, raising her eyebrows, "Also, when is it?"

You smile sheepishly at getting caught. "I called yesterday, she had a cancellation for this afternoon," Wanda shakes her head amused. She puts out her hand to show she is ready to get up so you help her to her feet and don't let go until you see she is steady.

Wanda wraps her arms around you and presses the side of her face into your chest, "Have I told you how much I love you?"

You kiss the top of her head murmuring into her hair, "No, not today you haven't," you scoff slightly.

She lifts her head to look at you with her chin now resting against you. You try not to make a face but you do. You know you have been caught from seeing Wanda's expression changing so you say something before she can, "If you think you're going to kiss me with your vomit breath, you've got another thing coming."

Wanda moves away and looks at you in the mirror as she reaches for her toothbrush, "What ever happened to 'in sickness and in health'?"

"Oh, I can still love you in sickness, it doesn't mean I have to kiss you," your response is a little too quick for Wanda's liking. "Besides I still remember you calling me 'morning breath', it's only fair I return the favour now," you finish with a cheeky smile meeting her eyes in the mirror.

"Not one for holding on to the past I see," Wanda muffles past the foamy toothpaste in her mouth sarcastically. While you just smile at her comment.

-

When you make it to your appointment, Dr Cortez takes some samples and instructs you to await her call.

You are done in time for the school run so the two of you pick the boys up and treat them to pizza for dinner.

Wanda's sickness still hasn't lightened up, you are glad she suggested the safe choice of a soup instead of the greasy food so you had picked that up too.

She ends up bringing up her dinner and instead of hovering around her you keep the boys busy with deciding on a movie to watch because they are done with their homework. The last thing you want is them to notice and be concerned for their mother's health.

Once you have them settled you go to check on Wanda. As you get to her she is already leaving the bathroom with a tired expression on her face.

You take her in your arms and comfort her. It's the only thing you can really do. Wanda wraps her arms around you leaning against heavily into your side as you make your way to the living room.

Once you make it to the couch, as always the boys are situated in the middle. You help Wanda sit on one side while you move to sit on the other side.

This is how you spend most evenings, cuddled up relaxing. This time the choice of movie is lost on you because all you can think about is Wanda and what could come from the test results.

You don't notice Wanda looking in your direction. She moves her arm to the back cushions stretching over to run her fingers through the back of your hair, "Your thoughts are loud, honey," she keeps her voice low so the boys don’t divert their attention from the television, before you look over.

"I'm sorry, I jus-"

She is smiling softly when she interrupts you. "I know, but please don't worry. We don't know anything yet," she continues speaking quietly.

Your gazes are pulled away by a small voice coming from between you. "Are you sick mommy?" You see Billy looking in Wanda's direction as Tommy pulls his eyes away from the screen.

Kids are always more perceptive than you realise.

"I have been feeling sick, yes Billy," Wanda answers truthfully.

This time Tommy speaks with a follow up question, "But you're gonna be okay. Aren't you?"

"She's gonna be fine," you reply, for her. "We went to see the doctor today, we just need to wait and see what they say."

Present day

Placing her hand to her pounding head Wanda tries to get past the ringing in her ears. When she stops feeling nauseous she looks around her immediate vicinity. She begins to panic when she doesn't see you.

Wanda was only unconscious for a moment and now that her mind has cleared a little she realises can't feel you as strongly as before. It is as if you are fading. Her mind concludes that she has awoken to the sound of you dying when she hears you wheezing, making her panic grow.

There is dust and debris everywhere and Wanda does her best to look through it trying to find you. She feels a breeze pass her and in the next second Pietro is in front of her, "Sestra, what happ-"

"Where's Y/n?!" Wanda exasperates, her worry overwhelming because she can only just about feel your presence.

Pietro helps her scramble to her feet as they both look around. Wanda walks in the direction she thinks you will be while Pietro trails behind her, looking around to make sure they are safe.

"No, no, no, no," she panics, seeing your boots a few feet away.

As she gets closer Wanda can hear you coughing and your wheezing gets louder. In her mind it is as if your light is dying out.

No.

She can't lose you.

You can't die.

One month ago

The movie still playing in the background is long forgotten.

You and Wanda continue to tell the kids not to worry and you should hear from the doctor soon.

As if he has an epiphany Billy asks, "Could it be a baby?" This gets Tommy perking up too.

You can't help but be curious how he got to that conclusion, "What makes you ask that?"

Billy responds like it's obvious, "You and mommy were talking about having another baby."

Tommy seems to have picked up how Billy got the idea, "Yeah, and we saw something on TV where someone said she was pregnant and that's why she was being sick."

You and Wanda glance at each other for a quick second, smiling at how smart they have gotten. Kids really are more perceptive than you give them credit for.

"We're not sure yet. That's why we went to see the doctor," you respond.

They still have questions. So Tommy asks, "But why did you go to a doctor, can't you check at home?"

"You check on a stick or something like that?" Billy adds.

"This sickness has been different from last time and it's come on quicker than when your mommy was carrying the two of you," you explain to the two boys listening intently.

"We were more prepared and it took a lot longer for you two to turn up," Wanda smiles, tapping Billy's nose making him smile. "And because this sickness is a little different, we thought it would be best to go see Dr Cortez. She said we will find out soon enough," Wanda finishes.

The boys ask more questions and you do your best to answer them. Eventually the conversation dwindles and you notice how late it has gotten. So you announce it is time for bed.

When you lay facing each other, you reassure Wanda, "Whatever this is, we'll get through it together."

You seal your promise with a kiss and hold Wanda until she sleeps. It takes you a little while longer, every bad scenario playing in your head regarding these test results.

Considering your track record of losing loved ones, your mother to leukaemia, your father to an aneurysm and your sister in battle, you don't like your odds. 

Your stomach is in knots, something in your chest feels heavy while your eyes burn. You hope that these test results come quickly and not at all at the same time. You are not ready to lose the love of your life.

Present day

You can just about hear the footsteps closing in on you as you cough out the dryness in your mouth. But you don't care, you just want to go back to your dream. The memory of your family on the couch watching a movie. Talking to each other about funny parts.

As the frantic steps get closer, you close your eyes, ready to be finished off. You think of your boys and of Wanda, sorry that you won't be able to see them again.

"Malysh!"

You swear you hear someone voice you recognise.

"Y/n!" A different voice shouts.

At least you think you recognise them. It is hard to tell with it sounding like you are underwater.

You can barely feel it but cold hands meet your cheeks, rubbing your skin. So that's who it is. Wanda rests your head in her lap as your hand makes its way to hers resting on your face.

Quickly catching up and remembering where you are, relief fills you when you see her, "Wanda," you smile tiredly. "You're okay."

"I thought I had lost you," Wanda sighs. "I saw you lying here, I thought…"

"No, no. I'm okay," you wheeze out.

"Try not to talk, okay? You need to save your energy," she says with tears filling her eyes.

The back of your head is covered in blood. Dust and mud is mixed all over your face and uniform.

You soon realise you are not actually okay. You know what is going to happen, how this is going to end. You can already feel life slipping away from your body.

Pietro is trying to reach someone through his earpiece but it seems to not be working.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," you begin quietly, your voice breaking as tears fall from your eyes.

"Stop… please don't talk like that," your wife begs you. She turns to Pietro and hurriedly tells him to get some medics and a stretcher to your location as fast as he can.

"Wanda, please look at me," you request, before the speedster disappears.

As always you are captivated by her green eyes that the forest surrounding you could never compare to. "Tell the boys I love them," your hand moves to rest on her stomach, "the baby too."

Wanda shakes her head not wanting to accept this was your end as you continue, "God, I hope they get your eyes."

One month ago

The day after your discussion with Billy and Tommy everything is normal, well as normal as the past week has been.

Wanda is forced to stay home because of her sickness while you take care of the boys then take them to school afterwards.

On your return you help Wanda however you can and get her to sit down to relax for most of the day, making sure she takes it easy.

To distract Wanda and even yourself you discuss a variety of things, from; getting things finalised with Fury - he says you will be needed for a little longer while they get the newcomers trained, he promises no big missions are in the near future, to; Billy and Tommy's progress at school.

It isn't until early afternoon that Wanda's phone rings.

She looks at you after she reads the caller ID on her screen, she finds you already looking in her direction.

You turn off the television as Wanda puts down her book to answer the call, picking up the device from the coffee table in front of you.

The look on your wife's face is undecipherable as she responds with short answers and verbal nods. You can't tell if she looks panicked, excited or nervous, maybe a mixture of everything.

A new appointment is set up which makes your stomach flip. Before you can say anything she thanks the doctor and hangs up.

Wanda takes in the apprehensive look you have on but a smile spreads over her face, tears pricking the corner of her eyes. Wasting no time she reveals, "I'm pregnant."

Your eyes grow wide as your tense muscles relax. The smile on your face now mimics Wanda's wide one. You lunge forward kissing Wanda wrapping your arms around each other. You celebrate with teary smiles, hugs and kisses. Words of not believing this is real take over as you place your hands on her stomach.

"You're pregnant," you whisper into the quiet room, the smile never leaving your face as a happy tear falls from your eye.

She puts her hands over yours, "We sure are."

-

When you arrive home with Tommy and Billy after collecting them from school you share the news. You sit them down and tell them this is a little family secret. They couldn't tell anyone, not yet.

You were probably being a little too cautious but you didn't want to jinx it. It was an easy agreement between you and Wanda to not let anyone know until at least three months into the pregnancy.

Present day

"Well, I hope they get your beautiful eyes," Wanda responds, "we'll see who wins in seven months, okay?"

You breathe out a pained laugh, "You're really gonna fight me on this, right now?"

Your eyes are barely open but grow heavier as your blinking becomes slower. Wanda looks up to see if help is on its way.

As she looks around you take in all of her features. The beauty marks dotted around her face, laugh lines you are proud to be the reason for helping make, her soft skin you like to trace in the mornings. Especially the mornings you wake up before her.

You feel colder and the weight of Wanda's hand in yours is no longer there. The end is near so you take in as much as you can before you say your final words.

Reaching up, you stroke her face with your finger, you hope you are not pressing too hard, "I love you. Always remember that."

When she looks at you, you continue, "You don't have to do it all by yourself-"

"Stop that. I'm not losing you," she desperately cuts you off.

It doesn't deter you from saying what is on your mind. "You have Pietro and Nat. Even Clint is always giving his advice even when we don't ask for it," you laugh getting a small smile from her until you fall into a coughing fit with blood spluttering from your mouth.

Once it subsides she looks at you with her eyebrows cinched, "I'm not losing you," she says firmly and slowly. "I can't lose you."

"You'll never lose me, I'll always be with you," you say, putting your hand to her chest. "Always." A tear makes its way down the side of your face.

You know you don't have much longer. There is not enough time but you feel like you have so much you want to say.

Your eyes begin to droop close, "No, I can't lose you," you just about hear. Your ears feel cloudy, just like your vision. You try to tell her again how you love her, your voice but a whisper using the last bit of energy you have to say it one more time, "I… lov-" with all your energy dispelled you don't stay awake long enough to finish your sentence as your consciousness fades into darkness.

One week later

There is a small smile on Wanda's face as she dreams of you and the boys - it is you laughing with them. Well, you are laughing at your own jokes and the boys giving you a weird look because they don't understand the punchlines. Instead of explaining you chase them around the room jokingly chastising them for not understanding them.

She loves to observe moments like this in your daily life, appreciating having a family of her own. A dream that had to be dropped after she joined Hydra. For a long time she didn’t think she would find her place in the world. Be at peace. But she found it with you.

Her limbs are stiff in her uncomfortable position on the chair she fell asleep in. Night after night of sleeping in an awkward position has not done well for her aching body.

Shortly after you fell unconscious, Pietro returned with Natasha and transportation to get you both out of there. Wanda didn’t let anyone else handle you, afraid they would jostle you too much so she used her powers to levitate you to the stretcher which she then moved to the truck where the medics hurried to look you over. There was no way she could risk losing you if she hadn't already.

If Pietro wasn't there she would have hit the ground as she collapsed, her fatigue catching up with her. She was checked over and apart from a few cuts and bruises she was deemed fine.

No one knew to check the baby.

Something stirs her awake, as usual she hears the sounds of the machines around the private room and footsteps walking up and down the corridor behind her. This time however there is a new sound, not new exactly but it’s you, laughing.

Once Wanda’s confusion subsides she realises your laugh isn’t a lingering sound from her dream. It’s real. Her eyes finally focus enough on you laughing because of something Sam said who is standing beside you on the opposite side of the bed.

The sound is interrupted with you coughing in pain holding your ribs, “You’re the one that needs to stop making me laugh, Wilson.” It is enough to get Wanda to sit upright, the other man in the room, Bucky, catching her movements first out of the three of you.

“You’re awake,” Wanda rushes from her seat to sit beside you, carefully wrapping her arms around you and pressing her face in the crook of your neck, “I was so worried.” She can’t help but let a few tears fall, which you feel soaking into your hospital gown.

After checking you over the nurse was going to wake Wanda but you stopped her, wanting to let her rest. When the nurse was exiting the room she found the men lingering outside your door until she was done for their daily visit.

You whisper reassurances to Wanda, that you are okay and explain that Bucky, Steve and Sam were the closest to the room when you woke up.

Steve left after a few minutes because he was needed elsewhere - training duty with potential new Avengers. He expressed his relief saying he was glad you were okay before hugging you then leaving shortly after.

Bucky taps Sam on the shoulder, signalling to the door to give the two of you some privacy.

"I didn’t mean to wake you, love,” you say as Wanda pulls away, wiping her tears. She takes your face into her hands, “Sam was telling me to - 'Stop laughing, your wife will kill me if she wakes up hearing you in pain'," you mimic Sam as best as you can.

Wanda scoffs and shakes her head at your antics. She looks at you, really looks at you as if assessing you. You look tired, the bruises and cuts that litter your face, arms and peaking out from your robe not helping.

You cup her cheek, tracing a fading cut there as you get her to meet your eye line, “I’m okay,” you promise her, then move your arms around Wanda as tight as you can. You power through, your aching body not liking the movement of your limbs even if the feeling has been dulled down due to the pain medication running through your veins from the bag attached to your arm. 

Wanda can’t help but voice the deepest fear she has had this past week, "I thought I was gonna lose you." Your eyes well up because of her shaky tone.

"I know, I'm sorry," you pull back, "I'm sorry. I thought that was it, I was so worried. I had to tell you whatever I could." You look into her eyes, the ones you will be able to continue waking up to, thankful you still get to live your life with her.

Putting your hand on her stomach, you swallow the lump in your throat in fear of the answer you were about to receive, "Did you get checked out? Bucky and Sam didn’t mention anything about the baby."

When Wanda awoke the following day after the mission, she was told she was healthy. It hit her all at once about them not knowing to check the life growing inside her.

She places a hand over yours, with tears in her red rimmed eyes thinking about the worry she went through. First the possibility of losing you, then maybe losing the new part of you she had left.

“Natasha was there when I woke up, she found a doctor so fast when I told her,” Wanda recalls, remembering the sheer urgency she showed to find someone. Natasha all but dragged a doctor into the room to make them check Wanda.

"They did a sonogram," she trails off. You look at Wanda with regret in your eyes for not being there, "I got to see this little one for the first time," she says looking down to her stomach then back at you smiling, "they confirmed, everything is fine."

You sigh in relief, holding her hands between you, "I wish I was there to see and hear their heartbeat with you."

Wanda rubs the back of your hand with her thumb, "Would you like to see?" You respond by nodding your head. Wanda checks the pocket of the hoodie she is wearing and when it is empty she sees the small square photo paper on the chair she has been calling a bed.

Reaching over she grabs the photo that is face down and sits next to you after you scoot over making space for her, "We've got a strong one here," she says holding the image from the sonogram. You rest your head against Wanda's shoulder as you take in the blur of a baby in the picture.

You take a deep breath and smile at your wife. "We need to get that retirement sorted, huh?" You half joke, “This little peanut needs to stay safe, we can’t risk something like this happening again.”

Wanda agrees but senses your worry when you place a hand back onto her stomach, looking at it as if you can see the baby. “The doctors checked everything. Twice over, malysh,” she adds to reassure you. “She’s fine.”

Your head snaps up so fast, a small smile taking over Wanda's face, looking down for a second and scrunching her nose when she realises what she has just let slip. You can’t help the happy tears that well in your eyes, “A girl?”

Wanda replies with a nod, smiling tearily, “The doctor thought I already knew.” You move forward and kiss Wanda as much as your body will let you.

A little girl. She will be the one to complete your family.

After a few moments of silence basking in each other's presence, your forehead leaning against hers, you break it, "I would never have forgiven myself if I died."

Wanda scoffs at your comment effectively breaking you apart, "You wouldn't have forgiven you?! I wouldn't have forgiven you!" You chuckle at her comment.

You take both her hands in yours letting out a breath, “So Nat knows about the baby?” You ask in a whisper and Wanda hums in response. "And who knows about the retirement plan?"

"Just Nat,” Wanda replies.

“We are never going to be able to keep anything from her, are we?" You joke, making Wanda giggle.

"Erm, of course you’re not," Natasha says, walking into the room. "You two are always so obvious when you're hiding something. Though, I will admit,” Natasha pauses as she places her hand on your shoulder when she reaches your side, “I was surprised by the news of the baby." The three of you share a smile before she continues, "How are you feeling?"

"Alive." You smile gratefully, looking at Wanda then back at Natasha, "I hear I have you to thank."

"I'm sure Sam exaggerated but yes. Please send your praises my way," she muses, smiling back at you, taking a step back.

“He did mention something about you bulldozing a few trees to get to me,” you remark.

This gets the three of you to chuckle. When the joke passes Natasha asks, "You up for some visitors?"

As if on queue Billy and Tommy enter the room with Pietro following them. They run up to the bed and practically jump on you.

"Careful boys!" Wanda warns from next to you. They reply, sheepishly in unison, "Sorry mom."

Your chest fills with warmth as you push their hair back while looking at them, "It's okay," you look to Wanda before saying, "I'm okay," with an emotional smile.

Both boys start rambling on about all the cool things they have been doing with Uncle Pietro; playing games, eating junk food and something about being able to jump higher on the trampoline because uncle Pietro can use his superspeed to help. On top of that, how fun it has been having 'Aunty' Monica over too.

"So, not one nutritional meal this week, I'll take it?" You look at Pietro with a raised eyebrow. Then continue with a sarcastic remark, "And I see you've been showing the kids how to be responsible with powers?"

There is a beat of silence as everyone's attention turns to Pietro.

"The candy was fruit flavored!" He exasperates. The boys nod at his statement as Natasha stands to the side with her arms crossed, chuckling while you smile at the scene.

Pietro is about to continue but gets cut off by Wanda with an unimpressed glare, "Let's not forget this extra house guest I wasn't aware of."

"I needed the adult company…?" He shrugs unsurely.

It gets chaotic with Wanda telling Pietro off, the boys trying to defend him and Natasha standing on the side laughing at the whole thing. Even with the pain you can feel you can't stop yourself from laughing too.

Eventually your laughs stop and with a smile on your face, you take in the moment.

You wouldn't have it any other way. This is your family. Your small and silly little family.

You are glad to be able to live another day.

[absolutebl]

Hi ABL! Can I be what I'm assuming is the 80th person to ask for your analysis about the move of Prem and Boun to GMMTV? Particularly, any thoughts on:

Why did the move happen and does it mean anything that they moved together?

What might this mean for new series with them as a pair and the potential to break up their pairing?

Are there any GMMTV talents that you'd love to see Boun or Prem paired with?

Thanks in advance for any insights!

BounPrem move to GMMTV

DISCUSS!

AKA Thai BL industry speculation, my favorite game!!

I am actually cautiously optimistic about this.

They're an ideal pair for GMMTV to get. Especially if GMMTV continues optioning Japanese IP. These two are beautifully suited to A LOT of yaoi. Just imagine them in a Thai version of Takumi-kun? !

Rise up Broccoli Nation... let's talk kabedons!

Why did the move happened?

From BounPrem's perspective:

I think they've been pretty underserved by their current home and that home is pushing them towards pulps (I refuse to talk about Even Sun and I found Between Us pretty darn disappointing too.) If they want higher quality narratives and content, GMMTV is a better home for them.

Also it will handle their brand better for sponsorship and longevity. I was shocked not to see them on more stuff in Bangkok. Most sponsor gigs and major promos and billboards and such were GMMTV pairs and... ZeeNunew

Right now there are good indication for pairs who WANT to stick together (even while aging up) that GMMTV can handle it - because of what they've done with OffGun and TayNew recently.

It's clear that GMMTV will throw a good pair at decent content (or at least popular stuff) pretty regularly. With GMMTV, BounPrem stand an even better chance at landing a prestige piece, since they have an established fan base.

From the pair's perspective, this is a good career move.

Now, from GMMTV's perspective, let's talk...

Does it mean anything that they moved together?

Yes, it most likely means GMMTV signed them as a BL pair. Some of GMMTV's other hot properties like EarttMix, OffGun, and TayNew clearly want to do (and have done) more than just BL for GMMTV. Even "second levels" like JimmySea are being split for het dramas. It means they lose their BL talent for a good potion of filming season, while they film some other property.

If GMMTV can sign a high value pair that's happy to stay doing BL regularly, that will work very well for them.

ALSO they've add a hot property pair into their stable that's on the EarthMix (highly commercial) level AND willing to do high heat. I think this is key. GMMTV has shown they want to move into sexier stuff (NC-GMMTV?) with things like Moonlight Chicken and Only Friends. VERY few of their existing pairs are willing to go there, and can do it as well as, BounPrem. These 2 do lust and thirst in a way that most GMMTV pairs can't (they are just too brotherly with each other).

I think this is a sign GMMTV want's to enter the after dark market, and move international markets too. (The higher heat stuff tends to be particularly popular outside of Thailand.)

Also, I think it's pretty clear some of GMMTV's hoped for heavy hitters last year (like PerthChimon) aren't working out for them, so it makes sense to onboard a solid bankable pair whole cloth at this juncture.

I said a while ago I thought GMMTV would make a play for ZeeNunew. I didn't have BounPrem on the list as a backup option, but these pairs are kinda similar, and fill the same niche.

Anyway, smart move all 'round, IMHO.

What might this mean for new series with them as a pair and the potential to break up their pairing?

I think the pairing is now less likely to break up than ever.

I think they've possibly been tempted to sign BY a prestige new series carrot. We could get something historical with them in it. Or, like I said, something Japanese IP. Probably higher heat than GMMTV has given us in a full BL.

Eyes Target the Finder thoughtfully. (It was VERY popular when I was over there.)

Are there any GMMTV talents that you'd love to see Boun or Prem paired with?

Like I said, I think GMMTV's objective in signing them would actually be the opposite - NOT to split the pair.

But if you just want me to speculate for fun (and piss stadn off), I'm always happy to do so.

First is great with anyone, so First with either... or both. First is like the MSG of GMMTV, always improves the taste of any dish.

It might be fun to see Jimmy paired with Prem. But in all honestly I really want a Jimmy + Khaotung thing to happen.

I think Mix has some BDE too, so I think he should play the seme for a change, why not him and Prem?

As for Boun, I think he's a little more dependent on the pairing. It's hard for me to imagine him with someone else. Lemme think. Someone with a very soft screen presence, maybe? How about Gun?

Heh he, now I'm just winding ya'll up.

Let me have my foibles.

[kerubimcrepin]

Dofus: The Production - reviewing the Xa and Tot interview

pictured: 7yo Joris, 10yo Joris, 60yo Joris, and 584-585yo Joris.

Funnily enough, this interview will touch onto something already mentioned in the artbook I already reviewed.

The origins of Joris as a character.

Sadly, it is machine translated, but I think we'll understand it well enough.

Here we learn that Joris was inspired by Vivi from Final Fantasy. I am sad to report I had never played Final Fantasy, and all my knowledge of him comes from hearsay at best, but Id do find there to be some very funny and twisted parallels between Vivi and Joris, beyond their troubles with lifespans (Vivi's being extremely short, Joris's the opposite...)

Like lol. Lmao even. (laughs fondly at the memory of having drawn fanart of Kerubim and Joris cannibalising one another as symbolism for Kerubim's selfish exploitation of Joris for his own emotional needs and regrets, — and Joris growing to derive pleasure from being exploited by Kerubim, and being a willing participant in the mixture of parentification and infantilization he experiences after the 600 years of living with his dad.)

Anyway,

Joris's progression as a character being "joke character -> character Xa created to be cool and awesome in a moment of inspiration, despite Tot's brief -> he bewitches them both fully" is so funny to me.

I always found it funny that Tot doesn't really see the forest (dofus aux tresors de kerubim) for the trees (child neglect and the psychological horror of Joris Jurgen's entire existence).

Not even going to comment on not knowing what the hell "epic-burlesque" is supposed to mean.

Now we move onto my favourite part of this interview: Tot's thoughts on Joris as a character.

I'm glad he said that they've worked on his life story through multiple centuries. Gives me hope that Tot has given thought to Joris's experiences during Leorictus Sheran-Sharms silly, perhaps even whacky reign.

I want to note the word choice here, — Joris isn't mysterious, but jaded. All of his caginess and "mystique" is attributable in equal part to his distrust of others, cynicism, and exhaustion with the horrible things he has seen throughout his life.

Which would very likely include being cagy even about his class, considering the whole "huppermage gencocide" thing that happened after Leorictus Sheran-Sharm.

The thing about Joris is that it is hard to appraise him from our own point of view. I had always liked how this franchise treats immortal characters, — they are beings with feelings, who make mistakes, who have issues.

But it does not make them any less incomprehensible.

In a way, he is so compelling to me, because I find his existence terrifying — Joris is someone who started out with all these ideas of kindness and justice, but can someone who is 600 years old really uphold them?

Judging from Waven, we know the answer to this question.

I think that with Joris's character, as well as Kerubim and Atcham, one of the major themes is stagnation.

While at times their immortality, and the freedom it provides, is referred to in a bit of an "optimistic nihilism" way,

Especially with the themes and motifs referenced in Aux Tresors de Kerubim, (especially with the ending directly referencing Diane Ardant's monologue,)

It's such a painful mixture of stagnation and endless freedom. There's a horror of never being able to escape, — not from having to experience the horrors of history, not from your own childhood house.

And then there's the horror of moving on from everyone you ever loved. While Kerubim and Joris share this one, I associate it more with Kerubim simply because he is so obsessed with the stories of his youth. It feels as if what was two hundred years ago is just yesterday, to him...

While with Atcham it's just speculation and my own headcanons, the sort of immortality, stagnation related horror I associate with him is dependency. He is not the same, strong person he used to be when he was alone. If he had to go back to Brakmar after all this time, he wouldn't be able to adjust. It's like all this time has declawed him.

Joris never really knew a life outside the all-consuming relationship he has with Kerubim and Atcham, but for Atcham it's different. And with every unchanging year that passes, he settles more and more into this peaceful existence, — and if he were torn away from it, just like Joris and Kerubim, he would not be able to function.

I think that the theoretical endpoint of where Kerubim, Joris, and Atcham could end up is whatever is going between Qilby and Shinonome.

Being one another's only meaning, in a world devoid of meaning, for better or for worse. Probably for worse.

[ohtobeleah]

Goodbye, Goodbye // Jake Seresin

-> A Terms of Endearment Blurb

Summary: Jake & Amilia have been trying for a year, when they do fall pregnant it leads to a much bigger discovery and an even bigger heart heartbreak.

Warnings: Pregnancy journey. Pregnancy talk. Miscarriage. Ovarian Cancer. Jake Seresin x OC reader. PLEASE READE THE WARNINGS

Word Count: 4.2k

Author Note: Day Twenty One of Whumptober. Prompt I chose: Near Death Experience. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for the prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

The love between Jake Seresin and Amilia Fisher was as fierce as love could be. It was no secret to anyone around them that they had a love that burned so deep and so profound that they would forever and always be each other’s end game. Each other's soul mates. For all that they had been through and worked on, new love grew in the form of healed wounds and new trust. 

They had, for what it was worth—survived The Great War. 

“I can’t keep doing this.” Amilia sighed as she crawled into bed beside her husband with yet another negative pregnancy test. “It’s been twelve months of constant let downs.” She frowned at the stupid plastic first response she knew she shouldn’t buy but kept repurchasing anyway. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t keep doing this to myself Jake.” 

Amilia laid her head on Jake's shoulder as he sat up in their bed. The two of them had been trying for one whole year. One whole year of negative pregnancy tests. One whole year old preconception vitamins. One whole year of sperm health tables. One whole year of tips and tricks Amilia’s Flo app had given her. One whole year of prime positions and menstrual cycle tracking and temperature monitoring and diet changes. 

One whole year of nothing by failed attempts and broken hearts. 

“I know, and hey—I know we’re both on the same page about wanting this.” Jake cooed as he took the negative test from his wife’s hand. “But maybe it just isn’t our time?” 

“So do we keep trying or do we go see a fertility specialist and try to figure out what’s going on?” They had been told to try and convince naturally for twelve consecutive months before reaching out to a specialist. That was the recommendation. But with every month that passed them by, Amilia grew more and more frustrated and concerned that something could be wrong. 

“I think we keep trying, but do that in tandem with talking to a specialist.” Jake cooed. “I love you, I want this yeah?” 

“I want this too—so bad.” Amilia could feel her bottom lip quivering. She wanted to be a mother so badly, she wanted to give Jake the chance to be a dad. He was already the best uncle to Odette and Riley, even if he was halfway across the world three months at a time. “I just don't know if I can't handle another negative test, my body is literally designed to have children and I can't even get a stupid fertilised egg to embed in me.” Jake had to laugh sympathetically as Amilia snuggled into his side with a huff. She was doing her best, he knew that.

“For all we know it could be me who's shooting blanks.” He reminded her. “We’ll talk to someone who can help us alright, but for now, let's just appreciate the time we have together before kiddos and prams and family passes and all the sleepless nights we’ll surely have.” 

“I know you're frustrated.” Amilia mumbled into Jake's side. His tan torso was hot to the touch, her walking talking furnace. “You don't have to be the optimistic one all the time.” 

“Trust me–” Jake admitted in the low light of their bedroom the two shared in Townsville, Australia. ”I am, but I'm not frustrated with you.” Jake felt like he had to make that clear as clear could be. “I think I'm just frustrated that we’re kinda told that if you have sex you get pregnant and die.” It was an over exaggeration of the poor sex education system, but Jake pretty much nailed it. “And now that we’re trying, it just sucks that it hasn't happened the way I always thought it would.” 

“Makes me jealous of Fe for getting pregnant so easily.” Amilia felt awful saying it, but she knew her husband wouldn't spill her horrid thoughts. “Riley was a thought and then she was real in the span of a year and Nicky well, we both know Nicky was a little oopsie baby, our children, if we keep going at this rate will have sixty five year old parents in their teens.” 

“How do people do it.'' Jake sighed as he sunk a little lower into the bed and pulled his wife into his chest. “Oopsie babies, I mean–I just don't get it, how do you not know?” 

“We’re horrible people aren't we?” Amilia chuckled to herself as she curled into her husband. They were ready for the next big phase in life, but something was holding them back from stepping into parenthood. Some divine intervention that was telling them now wasn't their time. But my god did they both want it just as bad as each other. 

“Hmm, maybe.” Jake kissed Amilias shoulder softly as he revelled in the scent of her body wash. “But no one needs to know, and all those people out there getting pregnant the first time round? They’re just overachievers.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Amilias period was four days late. She initially didn't think much of it because she knew when she got stressed it messed with her cycle, but something deep inside her was telling her to take just one more test. Something was telling her that if she took just one more, that it would be the positive she had been praying for. 

“If you’re fucking with me man I’m gonna be pissed.” She wasn’t a religious person, but Amilia believed that there was something bigger than herself out there. So as the little stick sat upside down on the counter of her bathroom vanity—she spoke to whatever the hell that bigger idea was. “I’m serious, I can’t take it.” 

The timer felt obnoxious, but Amilia jumped as the silence in her bathroom was broken by the set standard alarm her phone rang with. Three entire minutes had passed and she was standing on the edge of a cliff she knew that she’d jump off if that  plastic stick was negative. She couldn’t do it anymore, it was torture. 

“Alright, fuck it.” She groaned as she reached out to check the pregnancy test. To Amelia's surprise though it wasn’t what she had originally been expecting. “Oh my god—“ It was positive. Her first positive. “No fucking way.” Two very pink very clear very there lines were looking back at Amilia as she cupped a hand over her mouth and crouched down. Her knees felt weak, she had to remind herself to breathe or else she was going to pass out from the pure joy that was pulsing through her veins. 

“Holy shit, I’m pregnant!” Amilia had thought about all the different ways she could have told her husband that they were expecting, she even had one of those ‘Hi Daddy’ newborn onesie tucked away somewhere deep in their closet for a rainy day. But as her feet hit the pavement of the Townville Naval base, Amilia made a B-line for the administration building to get herself a visitors pass. 

“Your wife’s looking for you.” Gucci told Jake as he caught up with him in one of the hallways. “She’s in G building.” 

“Oz is on base?” Jake replied with caution lacing his words. 

“I just saw her, she asked if I saw you to send you her way.” Jake wasn’t about to stick around and play twenty one questions with his wingman. He let his feet carry him over to G building where he’d been told his wife was looking for him. Jake's locker was in G building, so was the canteen he frequented and the rec room he liked the most—so it was only natural for Amilia to assume that would be the easiest place to start. 

“Oz?” Jake cooed as he rounded a particular corner and saw the back of his wife’s head. “What are you doing here? Are you alright? What’s wrong?” 

Without question or any explanation, Amilia ran towards her husband with a smile so bright and a laugh so full of joy that it nearly knocked Jake to the ground. She jumped into his unexpecting arms that were quick to catch her as her legs wrapped around his wide but muscular frame. 

“Babe!?” 

“I’m pregnant!” Two words, it took just two words for Jake Seresins heart to implode in his chest. “We’re pregnant Jake we fucking did it!” 

“You’re pregnant?” Jake never thought his heart could get any bigger, but he knew in that very moment his heart grew—it imploded and grew back twice the size it originally was to cater for the little life the two of them had created. “Are—are you sure?” 

Amilia Fisher couldn’t be sure until she had a blood test done, but when the ten pregnancy test she took all from different brands came up as fat as fuck positives—she knew they couldn’t be lying. She was pregnant. 

“I’m sure, I’m so sure Jake, we’re gonna be parents!” 

Jake sat his wife back down on the ground but he never let her go. He kissed her with enough passion and love to have her heart fluttering inside her chest and her lungs burning with desire. His hands cupped her flushed with heat cheeks so she couldn’t pull away—and through the entire embrace, Amilia couldn’t stop smiling against her husband's lips. 

“Holy shit we’re pregnant!” Jake let his forehead settle against his wife’s. “Oz, I love you so very much.”

“We’re gonna have a baby Seresin.” Amilia laughed as she ran the pad of her thumb across Jake's cheek. “Us, you and me, with a baby.” 

“Half you half me huh.” Jaked cooed, he was over the moon. Amilia widened her eyes in response before she laughed, they were having the baby they had dreamed of having. 

“Oh god what a combo—“ 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

“You’ll need to make an appointment with an OBGYN for an ultrasound at around six to eight weeks.” With a single blood test, the pregnancy that Jake and Amilia had been waiting for had been officially confirmed. “But congratulations, you are very much pregnant, Mrs Seresin.” 

“You hear that Oz?” Jake cooed as he squeezed Amilias hand in the doctor's office. “Very pregnant.” 

The two were keeping everything on the downlow, Amilia, albeit very excited and full of joy to finally experience her biggest wish—wanted to wait till she was out of the first trimester until her and Jake started telling the people closer to them. However, that didn’t stop Jake from telling you, his closest friend, his sister, his person. 

“Amilias pregnant!?” You shouted down the phone. “Oh my god congratulations! How far along is she?” 

“Uh—we just left the doctors office like five minutes ago, four weeks?” Jake looked over to where his wife sat in the passenger's seat, beaming at your reaction over the loudspeaker. “She’s here with me.” 

“Oz! You’re pregnant oh my god!” You wanted to cry, Jake was going to be an amazing dad and Amilia was going to be the best mum. That kid was already so loved at conception. “I’m so happy for the two of you, I’m gonna have to tell Rooster you know that right?”

“I never thought this day would actually come but yeah, we’re pregnant.” Amilia reached out for her husband's hand before he brought it up to his lips. “And yeah, that’s fine, but don’t tell the cowboy alright I wanna tell Rhett myself.” 

“So he can tell you that you’re an idiot?” You laughed as you sat in the livingroom at midnight, feeding little Nicky. Bradley was on a mission which left you outnumbered three to one. 

“Yeah, but I know he cares.” Amilia and Rhett Abbott were quite close for two people who pretended like they couldn’t stand one another. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***

The happiness didn’t last for very long. Seven weeks into Amilias first and what would ultimately be last, something went wrong. The kitchen was buzzing with music as she chopped up a quick garden salad to go with dinner, sausages Jake was cooking on the barbecue. She hadn’t changed out of her pyjamas all day, and had barely gotten out of bed. But as six o’clock rolled around on Saturday afternoon, Amilia felt a little more like herself and hoisted herself up. 

“Almost finished with these bad boys.” Jake called out over his shoulder through the window that led back into the kitchen, he could see his wife, the love of his life in the corner of his eye. “How’s that salad looking?” 

“Diced and chopped daddio—“ Amilia teased as she flicked the rest of the cherry tomatoes off the chopping board into the bowl. “I’ve just gotta add the—“ Oh, that didn’t feel good. 

“Add the what babe?” Jake thought he just didn’t hear what Amilia had said, he thought he had just missed the tail end of her sentence, but she’d stopped mid sentence at the feeling of her lower abdomen cramping, like a bad period pain. “Oz?” Jake frowned as he cut the gas and took the sausages off the hot plate. 

“The cheese.” Amilia clenched her jaw as she tried to breathe through the pain, it only got worse with every breath she took. “I just have to add the—Ahh!” It felt like someone had stabbed a hot knife into her and had begun to drag the aerated edge across her body. “Ahh—“

“Amilia!” Jake had all but forgotten the tray of sausages he was carrying in when he saw his wife on the floor in a heap, curling into herself to try and stop the pain. “Hey, what’s wrong, hey—?” 

Breathe, in out, in out. She was fine. 

“Babe I can’t help if you don’t te—“ The blood told Jake all he needed to know before Amilia could even begin to get her words out. “Oh god—no.” 

“Jake—“ Her husband's name was the only thing Amilia could will herself to speak as she saw the blood between her legs, seeping into her pyjama pants. The same pyjama pants she’d been in all day because she just hadn’t felt well. “I’m fine, we’re okay, we’re fine, we’re, aaahh—!” 

Everyone needs just one person in their lives who say things like ‘You got this’ ‘I believe in you’ and ‘You will find courage and energy in yourself that you normally wouldn’t have had before.’

But more importantly, that person needs to also say the things that no one wants to hear. And if things were to go wrong? They would be there in the mud for whatever reason. 

Jake was that person for Amilia Fisher-Seresin. He had the ability to say something’s wrong when she couldn’t bring herself to believe it. 

“Honey, I think we need to get you up to the hospital.” He had the ability to worry, to care and understand that something was horribly wrong and that there shouldn’t be this much blood or this much pain when it came to implantation bleeding and spotting. Amilia was having what Jake could only assume to be a miscarriage and all he could do in that moment was put his own feelings of grief and sorrow aside to help the only woman he’d ever truly loved. “It’s alright, I’ve got you.” 

“No no no no no—“ Amilia cried as she bawled her fists into the cotton of Jake's t-shirt before her tears strained the white fabric. He could smell the iron in the air. “Jake—“ She sobbed. “Our baby, somethings wrong.” 

“Let me take you to the emergency room sweetheart.” Jake had to hold his own tears back, this wasn’t what he pictured would happen when Amilia had told them they were gonna have a baby together. “Please? I have to make sure you’re alright baby, your bleeding and—“ Jake knew he had to say it. “You are what’s important right now, you and your health baby because I can lose that baby, I can deal with that grief but I can’t lose you both alright.” Jake felt his wife’s heart shattering as she screamed into his embrace right there on the kitchen floor. “I can’t lose you both alright so I need you to let me get you some help.” 

Jake thought he was a pretty tough guy, but as his wife cried in his arms bleeding as she lost their baby on the kitchen floor, he knew he wasn’t strong enough to handle this without a support system. He needed you. He needed your strength and resistance and your determination and strength to get through this. He needed you to hold him up because his knees felt weak but he had to get up. He needed to be there for his wife through everything. 

“I’m sorry—“ Amilia sobbed as Jake carried her out to the car koala style. He was going to be covered in blood but that didn’t matter. Nothing else mattered besides getting Amilia the care she needed. “I’m so sorry.” 

“You haven’t done anything wrong sweetheart.” Jake cooed. “Not a damn thing.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

“We had to give her a sedative in order to examine your wife, Mr. Seresin.” Time was a fickle thing, it was neither here nor there. “She’s asleep, but for what’s it worth she’s incredibly lucky to be alive right now.” Jake could feel his phone ringing in his back pocket—you had been calling non-stop for updates ever since Amilia was taken back for an ultrasound to confirm what everyone already believed to be a miscarriage. 

But he’d never remember just how he ended up standing outside his wife’s hospital room in oncology just four hours after he’d brought her into the emergency room. Jake hadn’t even had a chance to change his shirt. 

“It’s critical—if we don’t get in there and operate soon, it’s hard to tell how much time she’ll actually have.” The Doctor didn’t sound like he was making any sense, Jake couldn’t process anything he was telling him. This didn’t make sense, none of it did. 

“Ovarian cancer?” Jake tried to wrap his head around how his wife, how Amilia, could have ovarian cancer. “I don’t understand.” 

“It’s aggressive, from the scans alone I’d say critical.” Again, nothing Doctor Thomas was saying made any sense to Jake. “Mr. Seresin, has your wife ever experienced any pain during intercourse? Painful cramps outside her normal period or—“ 

“Not that I’m aware of, no.” Jake knew Amilia like the back of his own hand, so the news of her diagnosis on the back of losing their child was far too much for him to handle. “What does she need? Treatment wise?”

“I can't say for certain without exploring her reproductive system more closely but if the ovaries are too far gone, we’re recommending a full hysterectomy.” Jake's brain was trying its best to compute all the little bits of information being given to him as he watched Amilia sleep. She looked as peaceful as she could be. “If the cancer is as aggressive as we believe it to be, if we leave behind any viable tissue it could spread–the miscarriage was a direct result of the tumours constricting her reproductive organs, it's a miracle she was able to convince to begin with.” 

“We’d been trying for a year–” Jake explained softly, his entire world was crashing around him. All that he knew, all that he hoped for in the future was crumbling. “We had an appointment with a fertility specialist the month she fell pregnant, we never ended up going because we ended up pregnant.” 

“I'm very sorry for your loss–” Doctor Thomas sympathised as he placed his hand on Jake's shoulder. The mullet kinda took away from the seriousness of his tone. “But I truly believe the miscarriage your wife suffered saved her life.” It was a take Jake never thought he’d have on such a horrid situation. “It would have killed her, she’s a very lucky woman, the blood she lost wasn't just from the miscarriage but from one of the worst ovarian torsions I’ve ever seen.” 

There was so much blood, far too much blood for Jake to ever forget. He grew up on a farm, his uncle owned an abitur, he knew that humans held a lot of blood but when you physically see that much blood coming from someone you love it's hard to comprehend the magnitude of the destruction until after the fact.  

“Your wife is scheduled for surgery earlier tomorrow morning, it's after visiting hours but given the circumstances i've already organised for a cot to be bright up so you can stay with her.” 

“If you can't save her life without the hysterectomy, I want you to do it.” Jake nodded as he let a few stray tears fall down his cheeks. “Yeah–yeah if it's all or nothing just do it.” He pressed his lips into a fine line to try and stop his bottom lip from quivering. “But if there's even a slither of hope that you don't have to, please–just try and give her a chance, she wants to be a mum so bad.” 

“I understand Mr. Seresin.” Doctor Thomas replied. “This isn't my first rodeo.” 

“Unlucky for you.” Jake tried to chuckle as he crossed his arms over his chest. “It's mine.” 

“Everyone I ever meet for these types of cases is their first, and if I can offer one piece of advice I’d say that there are other ways to be parents, adoption, foster care.” Doctor Thomas knew by the gaze in Jake's eyes that he was mentally checking out of the conversation. “Go be with your wife, i'll be by in the morning for post ops.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

By the time Amilia was coming to in her groggy and drugged out state, Jake had already had a good cry in the dark. The hospital room was dimly lit, Jake didn't want his wife to wake up to the harsh fluorescent lights. Hell he didn't want her to wake up in general. He wanted her to stay sleeping peacefully forever, blissfully unaware of the horrors that awaited her when she woke. 

“Hey there Oz.” Jake cooed as he brushed Amilias hair from her face. “I've got you baby, I'm here.” It felt like time had stood still since she first screamed out in pain in the kitchen. Jake knew when he got home that ants would be everywhere from the sausages that had fallen from the tray he carried in and the salad you never put away. “Shhh i've got you Amilia, I’m here.” 

“I lost our baby.” Amilia hadn’t even opened her eyes properly and she was already incredibly aware of the heaviness in her chest. The grief she felt inside her soul. “Jake–I lost our baby.” 

“It's not your fault sweetheart.” Jake sat as close as he possibly could to his wife's bedside. “We lost our baby, I know, I know and it hurts, it hurts so much but Amilia, it's not so simple.” Jake had been dreading having this conversation, he didn't know how to tell his wife she was going in for surgery. That she was sick, that she had ovarian cancer and that they may have to perform a full hysterectomy just to save her life. “The doctors figured out why it took us so long to conceive.” 

“It's me, isn't it.” It broke Jake's heart to nod, but that didn't mean he thought his wife was broken. “What's wrong with me?” 

“You uh–” Jake couldn't stop himself from sobbing as he stood to climb into the hospital bed to hold his wife. “You're okay, that's the main thing okay, and you're gonna be fine once the surgery is over and I'm gonna be by your side through everything.” 

“I just lost our baby, I don't think I'll ever be alright again.” 

“You didn't lose our baby sweetheart, you have ovarian cancer–that's what caused the miscarriage, that's what, that's what stopped us from conceiving earlier.” Jake explained as simply and as slowly as possible as he held Amilia close to him and kissed her forehead. “Losing our baby saved your life.” 

“Jake, I don't have cancer.” Amilia scoffed as she shrugged him off. “Why would you even say that right now?” Jake was caught between a rock and a hard place, he didn't know what to do or what to say. “What are you even talking about right now?” That's when it hit, Jake physically saw the moment Amilia was able to process what he had said. “Oh–” Her shoulders slumped as she settled back into him. “Oh no, no no no no I can't, I can't, I don't–” 

“Shhh.” Jake cooed as he wrapped his wife back into his arms. “I'm here, I've got you, you're okay.” For everything the two had been through this was certainly about to be their biggest battle, but Jake Seresin was adamant that he would be there every step of the way. “Our baby saved your life, and I'll never be able to thank them enough.” 

“How bad is it?” Amilia sobbed into Jake's chest. “The cancer? And be honest Jake, please dont lie to me.” 

“It's bad enough.” Jake sobbed as he held Amilia closer than he ever had before. “I'm just grateful you're alive.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Whumptober Tags 🏷️ @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @slut-f0r-u @emma-is-cool @armydrcamers @topguncortez @topgun-imagines @kmc1989 @els-marvelvsp @blindedbythelightt

[transienturl]

there is a sizable subset of the ultra-enthusiast tumblr community who (reasonably, in cases, given the circumstances) have been convinced by the sheer volume of tumblr-related discourse that is driven away from factual considerations by the victim complex, the need to have an enemy, and an external imagination of how websites work that doesn't hold up to scrutiny. I don't think that's debatable. I see the volume as a tragedy and a bit of a disappointment (it will always happen but I do think we can do better) and am sympathetic to the people who accept it uncritically, if somewhat concerned (I imagine this kind of thing extends into the non-internet world).

but yeah, like. I enjoy working on the XKit projects, and that's why I do it. I enjoy doing support for them, too—I don't have a way of counting it, but gosh, I must send 50-100 messages a month responding to inquiries, giving tutorials, etc. okay I actually have no idea what the number is. but anyway.

admission: it's not nearly as fun when some huge percentage of the posts you're responding to are just laced with this stuff. "1-starring the app will make tumblr better!" "staff broke xkit on purpose!" "I know the reason behind changes I don't like and they are malicious/ignorant!" "it would be easy to fix [x thing] and it is not fixed so someone is out for me!" (there are more nuanced ones too but those are all pretty unambiguously false examples.) again, I see why people repeat these things because they are so darn prevalent, often from people you trust.

this is a site about sharing things that resonate with you. feeling like you're mostly helpless against a big power without your best interests at heart is deeply relatable. I get that. it's still annoying though.

I don't know to what degree I have the power to change any of this? maybe to some degree I can pull the "I'm half or more of the XKit development for at least the past year" card and maybe that has some weight re: making people see my perspective as coming from "being on the side of the users," blaze some posts maybe, but I dunno, man.

Feels like a weird thing to really lean into, on the one hand. And public comms stuff is a ton of work. On the other hand, I guess it would be silly if I didn't ever pull that card and eventually just quit if it didn't seem worth dealing with. I don't think that would kill the XKit projects, but... okay yeah I'm just saying that because it's nice to be optimistic. I have zero idea if it would or not.

[aprill-99]

EACH BRIDGERTON COUPLE AS JOHN MULANEY QUOTES:

Daphne & Simon:

Daphne: “A friend of mine asked me if I’d ever been given the sex talk, and the answer is yes… I think.”

Simon: “My father was COOOLD BLOODED.” + “Does my best friend hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?”

Kate & Anthony:

Anthony: “I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I’ll die.”

Kate: “Get out of here with your facts. Just because you’re accurate does not make you interesting.” + “I’m new in town, and it gets worse.”

Benedict & Sophie:

Benedict: “This is a healthy twenty-eight year old man trying his best.”

Sophie: “I was a maid for a while. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.”

Colin & Penelope:

Colin: “My wife is a bitch and I like her soooooo much.”

Penelope: “We spend most of our time proving to people that we are who we say we are. Think about that for 10 seconds and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.” + “People say crazy things all the time. And those things mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.”

Phillip & Eloise:

Eloise: “Thirteen year olds will make fun of you, but in an accurate way.”

Philip: “It was like, you know one of those days where you just go ‘this might as well happen.’”

Michael & Francesca:

Francesca: “I try to stay optimistic, but I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.”

Michael: “We don’t get better than this. It’s just going to be worse versions of me from here on out.” + “And if you think I seem unlikable or out of control in that story, then just remember, that’s one I was willing to tell you.”

Hyacinth & Gareth:

Hyacinth: “Well none of us ever really know our fathers…… Anyway-”

Gareth: “I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.”

Lucy & Gregory:

Gregory: “I do hear you, and I also don’t want to be doing what I’m doing.”

Lucy: “In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine.”

Lady Danbury & Lord Ledger:

Lady Danbury: “Shut up you’re all going to die! Street smarts!” + “It’s wrong to make fun of people, but it’s just so fun sometimes.”

Lord Ledger: “My vibe is like ‘hey you could pour soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.’”

George & Charlotte:

King George: “it seems like everyone, everywhere, is super mad about everything, all the time.”

Queen Charlotte: “I simply do not give a shit what anybody thinks of me in any situation.”

Bonus:

Violet: “Putting a thirteen year old in charge of your younger kids is like getting a dog to babysit your horse. If something goes wrong, they can just maybe get help a little more quickly.”

[puckpocketed]

caps fan here!

as follower of pld (the few, the proud, the courageous!), i was wondering if you had any thoughts about how he might fit in with our team, assuming he's going to be 1C with Ovi on the left and one of Wilson or Mangiapane on the right, and basically taking the former Kuznetsov/Backstrom spot on the halfwall on PP1. my thinking is that he can easily return to being a 60 point player just by the increase in ice time alone this coming season, and maybe even flirt with 70 if he has a triggerman like big O on his wing.

as someone who knows a hell of a lot more about PLD than i do, is that just wishful thinking because i'm a caps fan? what do you think?

The PLD Post, Part 2: mask-OFF

Hii!! (we are SO brave and SO correct). i am so sorry this took ages to answer, i was trying to decide how serious to be. I will admit, I was hesitant about going mask-off and hitting up the microstats and revealing that i do seriously think he can be better than he was bc that shit is kinda lame ESPECIALLY when defending a clear failhorse. but at this point any rep i have as someone with good opinions must be gone considering how many media scapegoats i've attached myself to (i got a fucking. c.gauthier ask the other day aslkjdkljas) so. mask is coming off. we've hit somewhere between well-considered manifesto and vibe check so . um. enjoy!!

I remain optimistic going from everything I've heard and from what you're saying here! But, big big asterisk. He absolutely needs to take ownership of his lack of engagement. when he speaks in media availability I believe him when he says he wants to change. The will to change is there, idk if it’s possible that any player would be satisfied with their performance being the way his was. There’s a lot that needs to be unpacked about his lack of production, the Character Issues, and what his role might look like going forward. You and any other Caps fan who reads this will have to tell me if the fit is right. Hockey talk below the cut lol!!

So before I start I have to say I know dick all about the Caps except:

You're dragging that old man (Ovechkin) to Gretzky's lawn (record) to set it on fire (break it before he retires)

Everyone is pining away for your very very injured 1C who is also Ovechkin's boybestfriend/perfect set-up guy/work wife

There's. intricate pre-game rituals?

So I'm not sure I can speak to how he will fit with your (our? i AM picking the Caps up fr given every acquisition/draft pick they've made) team with any depth or specificity. also i don't think i'd call myself a PLD expert. like. i just got here !! I haven't been following him since he was drafted or anything!! I have, however, consumed TOO MANY Kings games this past season and I can give you a broad look at what actually happened with them and why I think it didn't work out. I will not be making any overtures about being unbiased. My biases WILL slip through because I think Dubois is a sweetheart and I find the mental exercise of defending him fun <3 I’ll give you stats and observations and I will build a story that runs counter to what the prevailing media narratives say. While I stand by my opinions, they're also just one of many available interpretations of what happened.

character concerns

Everyone will be bringing it up at the first speed bump of the season, the first bad game he has. Please be prepared to have a crisis of faith and also be deeply disappointed in him. god knows I am, like, all the time <3 But... I always want to dig deeper when it comes to dominant narratives, because in following multiple teams I’ve become acutely aware of just how miserably Bad media can be at reporting on teams that aren’t their own.

I hear “Locker room cancer” accusations bandied about and I’ve yet to see anyone produce a primary source for this — podcasters, journalists, even people on nhl broadcasts will throw these words around so casually, assuming they’re correct because everyone knows the story. Some confounding factors in the character narratives arise when you scratch the surface. People who've worked with him speak well enough of him. Todd McLellan called him “misunderstood”, and had nothing bad to say about his character.

Matt Roy, who also just got picked up by the Caps, has recently said he’s a great teammate. MORE proof if you want to hear it directly, Roy went on Dropping The Gloves and had this to say about Dubois (transcript by me):

[on what actually happened] Honestly, I don’t know. I mean if you asked him he would say he had a down year. But it’s nothing like — I feel like the media paints this picture of him, and to me it couldn’t be further from the truth, you know. He’s a great teammate, he’s a great locker room guy, he gets along with everybody. So, in terms of all that I don’t know where the media is getting all this stuff. If I hated the guy I probably wouldn’t have come to Washington. He’s one of my friends on the team and I really think he’s going to have a bounce back year. I think he’s really going to be good for the team.

Matt Roy signed with the Caps of his own free will as an RD, a contested free agent in a sparse market, knowing Dubois was already here. He could’ve gone to plenty of different places. Why the hell would Roy sign here long-term, clearly wanting to play and win, if Dubois was as disliked as some pundits would have us believe??? Credible reports (and not just speculation) point to PLD’s other teammates liking him!! 

And here’s some propaganda; I direct you to this extremely sweet video where he gets asked about assisting on Akil Thomas' first NHL goal (and a bunch of other first NHL goals). He is so, so genuinely happy for Akil, who battled through injuries that set back his development for years. Just LOOK at his smile!! He can’t hold it back. (Others have said this but it looks like a little v. Like :> !!!! HELLO !!)

How does all of this happen when, supposedly, he’s a low-character asshole and a “locker room cancer”? It doesn’t line up for me.

On the other hand, I have seen Dubois cruise. He really can’t seem to bounce back from a poor start, and if you were just looking from the outside in, the scoresheet this year reflects this. The critique is fair; I’ve turned this over in my head enough times. there are less physically gifted, less skilled players, who are working so hard to stay in this league, and Dubois’ poor showing does feel somewhat like, idk, something I’d be mad about usually.

Here comes the “but”. Call this next bit the narrative section, because I’m showing my ass here: I think Dubois gets a lot of scrutiny because of his infamous Shift, which went a specific kind of viral, under the exact right conditions, and it has just. defined his career. And okay… I am not denying that the shift happened, but plenty of guys in this league have taken shifts off. come on. the season is long and they're only human. I’m not excusing it either! It was bad and he deserved his benching. Ideally, he one day becomes a player who always puts effort in. Working hard is one of my favourite traits in any player, and usually this would be enough for me to dismiss him as not worth being invested in.

and yet…. the reactions to his floundering performance feel so much like they’re about expectations as seen through the lens of The Shift. They’re calibrated differently because he went 3rd overall, and he's got this big body, the speed, the skill — it's the fact that he's got the tools and seemingly squanders them. All of this is amplified by the contract he's sitting on and his run of short-term stays on teams. Does he get this much scrutiny if he went in the 2nd or 3rd round? Does he catch this much heat for his low energy performance if that one shift clip hadn’t done all that damage? We’ll never know obviously but . I do wonder.

Final word on the character stuff is that we don’t know what truly went on in those locker rooms and i don't want to give more air time to baseless speculation. What we can examine is the hockey. The hockey tells the truth <3

the 23-24 la kings

Assuming the plan is to give PLD a look at 1/2C while he’s on the Caps, I think he’s a complementary type of player. The way he is right now, I don't think he can drive his own line or pull people up. He works with the calibre of lineys he's got and will produce the expected outcome. That sounds so obvious, but what I’m saying is I don’t think he’s capable of miracles like the best playmakers in the league, he's not about to make your guys look 15 years younger. In this vein, I look at his many first NHL goal assists as a symptom of what kind of linemates he was being paired with all season, and how unstable the situation was. His drop in point production IS more complicated than "he's just a piece of shit". From this article, the best summary I've seen of the Situation PLD was in:

LA acquired a player who had been a top-six center (and at times, winger) his entire career playing with established NHL talent. Yet after investing multiple assets to acquire Dubois and sign him to a significant contract, the team decided to put him in a third-line role where his most common linemate was a first-year NHL player who wasn’t expected to be on the roster in Alex Laferriere. Those two had a revolving door of wingers throughout the season. Moreover, Dubois’ most common on-ice teammates after Laferriere at 5-on-5 this season were Matt Roy and Andreas Englund. Gee, I wonder why he didn’t produce?

Context about Roy and Englund: Roy is a quiet but capable d-man who is defensively geared with a bit of offensive upside (j'adore. does things the right way and is very responsible and good. will throw hits but doesn't chase them or headhunt. I think playing away from the Kings’ more passive system will unlock more of his offensive potential. Matt Roy you will be SO good for the Caps I truly believe mwah mwah); and Englund is a leg weight/goon who, going by every single stat I can pull out, makes his d-partners Worse (with affection <3). Point here is neither of them being on the ice was particularly conducive to a lot of scoring chances.

As I said in my previous post, I think Dubois absolutely needs finishers. At some point there was hype around his shot but I didn't see much of that at all on lak? Eye test says: he was unwilling to shoot, and when he did shoot it felt like there was low/no commitment, no power behind it. Comments on his shooting called him “too deferential” at different turns. That’s just an insulting way to say a guy likes to pass and I truly think it circles back to the expectations thing. Would there be anything wrong with him not being much of a shooter this past season if he was another player? (Can't we just say he passed a lot this season without bringing value judgement into it? leave my failhorse ALONE!!!! like must a man score goals ,can't he be very very sweet and happy for the rookies he assisted ? wailing about it forever.)

More fun stats from that same article:

#1 on lak for passes that led to high-danger scoring chances, and scoring chances in general <- again, not a miracle worker. did not have finishers who could capitalise on these chances. its so fucked up what they did to my failwife

one of the best on lak in actually carrying the puck into the o-zone. (another reason i quite liked watching him!! transition forwards my BELOVED) everything I've ever observed about him off the cuff holds true here: he draws penalties this way, because he's fast and when he's locked in he is pretty good for controlled zone entries <3

Dubois had a career high in even-strength assists per 60, this is all in spite of his weird linemate situation and his reduced TOI and the power play mess (more on this later). he might have been deferring, but I truly think the lack of stability + good finishers, and ice time held him back from being more productive.

jim hiller

Building off that last point: even worse on the stability front, which I did allude to in the initial PLD Post, was what happened when Jim Hiller took over. You must understand one of the first clues that we were working with a different animal of a head coach is he was NOT afraid to line shuffle, and shortly after he found short-term success with that, they started running 11 forwards and 7 defensemen (you can see where it started precisely if you scroll back in lak lb because you'll find ME yelling about it LMAO). This shortened forward bench resulted in mid-game line shuffling, as in it was uncertain as to who they would be playing with from shift to shift. Hiller is on record saying he thinks it was beneficial, per this article:

It’s all about getting his deep forward corps engaged in the game. That’s sometimes difficult if you’re running four full lines and there are penalty kill or power play opportunities that alter the flow of the lines. Especially for the group of forwards who don’t kill penalties – think Kevin Fiala, Viktor Arvidsson, Quinton Byfield, Pierre-Luc Dubois – it’s an opportunity to get them extra shifts and engage in the game. “Some of our other players who don’t penalty kill, you know they can lose the flow of the game, so they enjoy it more I know,” Hiller said of having 11 forwards in action. “We’ve talked about it a lot. We really just think for our team, the way it is right now, that gives us an advantage getting those players more ice time.”

(and ok sorry to go off about my gripes with how the kings are run but .They were doing this into playoffs. This article was written during playoffs. god. CARL GRUNDSTROM, WHO HAS NEVER NOT PLAYED HARD, PLAYED 25 SECONDS IN GAME 2. all this while they were trying to get people 'engaged'. Idk. Maybe it did work for some players. I wasn’t behind that bench. But sitting one of your most energetic and committed forwards during a series in which you’re trying to come back from being down several games was a CHOICE!!!! also like what if you didn't double-shift QB. what then. And we all know how that series ended. lak coaching/management i am beating you with a pillowcase stuffed with bricks . <3)

Much was made of the Hiller takeover. I liked it at the time. In his first couple of media availabilities post-TM, Hiller emphasised bringing back "fun" to the game for many of the players who were slumping — and a reportedly tense locker room during the big skid that lost McLellan his job. It was all very Ted Lasso of him. Hiller also introduced a new way to rate Dubois for his performance every night, separate from the scoresheet. I made jokes about PLD's very special star-chart, everyone who knew about it was making jokes about it. This merit system was tailored towards communicating with Dubois what he did and didn't do well, and while no one ever went into depth about it we do know a few things:

It measured things outside of +/-, goals and assists, and was likely a score out of 5 per metric.

One of the metrics was about hits/physicality, another one was likely ‘compete’ levels.

He alluded to being measured on penalties drawn?? Or something??

Anyway it sort of … worked?? The change in Dubois was pretty immediate, the moment he was given some clear direction to work in. He played some of his BEST games of the year in the wake of this change. He got involved physically, he was not losing steam, he was drawing tons of penalties because he’s huge and fast and has good hands and IF he puts his mind to it he can truly be a transition monster.

CUE THE LINE SHUFFLING… imo, much of the progress made seemed to be lost, and the rest is history.

NOT saying Dubois is free of fault here. Needing that extra motivation to get physically involved is kinda wild, and I understand why for some people it’s a bridge too far. EYE am here for the laffs though and it's really funny that the communication came in the form of super special individualised performance evaluations/a glorified sticker chart. This is why he’s my temperamental desert flower. Wilting violet. Soggy kitten. <3 and for the record I truly don’t think I’d care if he put up 40 points per szn for the rest of his career. I don’t care because he’s a sweetie and the Bit i do when defending him is too funny. I don’t think I’d care if everyone was right about him — I just don’t actually think they are.

the power play problem

So okay, as per part 1 (my last email <3) we know Dubois thrives net front. It’s where he scored a bunch of his goals on the Jets. Every stat and the eye test supports this. So how come Lak had him stationed on the half wall doing jackshit, if he was on the power play at all?? I will admit I drove myself half crazy studying power play structures and watching LA Kings games back before coming up with a garbled, half-formed idea about how LA runs their PP. I was going to attempt to explain it here — had to do with Kevin Fiala and Dubois being lefties and how that's just an awkward passing sitch — but it turns out more than one person has had this thought and MAN I love being validated by actual hockey people. I fully thought i was making shit up in my head for a good week or two, and was seriously considering scrapping this portion . but it’s SO important for contextualising the production drop, so here goes !!

As early as September 2023 there was a story published about PLD’s role on PP1 — a place where he certainly should’ve belonged as a top-6 guy with plenty of ppg’s under his belt. From this article, which explains the issue very very neatly, and much more eloquently than I could ever hope to:

The addition of Pierre-Luc Dubois was a big one this summer; at first glance, he should be a great addition to the power play. But when digging deeper, the Kings might struggle to fit him onto the top unit. Dubois played mostly as the net front player for the Winnipeg Jets last season, the role Gabriel Vilardi often played for the Kings last season. So, it’s an easy one-to-one switch in that spot, right? Not necessarily. Dubois has all the talents to be an effective net-front player. He has the size and strength to battle in front, with the skill to effectively pop down low and create chances. However, his handedness is a big problem for this role. The Kings run their power play primarily on the left side with Kevin Fiala — Anze Kopitar when Fiala is hurt — which necessitates a right shot down low. When a right shot player pops out on the left side, there’s an easy passing angle for the half-wall player and more options for the player down low. Quick passing is key for a successful power and a left-shot can’t move the puck quick enough down low. They would have to either move too far into the corner or take the extra second to step out from and open up their body to create an effective passing angle. Time that would slow the power play down too much and allow the opposition penalty kill to get back into position. There’s also minimal shot threat from a lefty down low. We saw both Vilardi and Viktor Arvidsson frequently take the pass down low and quickly turn it into a shooting opportunity, something a left shot wouldn’t be able to do.

It then goes on to suggest 2 solutions that aren’t appealing at all:

Flip the power play entirely to accommodate Dubois net front. Not great as they dont have the players for that, and if they tried it they’d be hamstringing Adrian Kempe’s one-timer.

PLD on the bumper position. This one’s hard to swallow because that displaces Kopitar to PP2, there’s his position as captain and the optics of moving him off his spot.

In this article it is once again suggested that LA MUST flip their power play and figure out how to get PLD net front. In this article they point out how useless he was playing on the wall down the stretch, and how the only reason he seemed to be able to produce something was because he’d taken Kopitar’s spot in his absence. This article calls to attention Dubois’ worlds performance, where team Canada utilised him net front.

Big picture, the Fit

Do we see the problem here yet? It’s not the flat narrative I was sold by the national media, random assholes on twitter, and podcasters who don’t actually watch Kings matches!!!! Do we see how weird and messy and complicated it is, beyond “hey he’s just a sack of shit who isn’t trying hard enough”. Rob Blake himself has come out and admitted that they didn’t put Dubois in a position to succeed. And absolutely there was effort required on his end — a different player might have sucked it up and adapted to circumstances, a different player might never have needed that extra bit of communication, a straight up better player might have dragged his less skilled lineys up to a higher level. But the problem has always been two-fold: LA was trying to coach and manage a completely different player to the one they had in front of them and expecting good results; and Dubois was unable to keep competing with all he had in the face of that. I think both parties are at fault here. And I think, given the chance and the right circumstances, Dubois can hit 60 points again.

Okay, circling back to the big question of Fit. Will he be able to work with Ovechkin? Hard to think he could fail with one of hockey’s best goal scorers on his wing, if he does get a look at 1C. People who know the Caps better than I do, does this sound workable? Is Dubois going to be too difficult of a nut to crack for your coach? Your locker room?

And, of course, the power play issue. Maybe Dubois learns to be better on the half wall! Idk!! Maybe it was a matter of coaching and he thrives in Washington running your PP1 from there. For my money… I like him better playing net front or bumper. Do the Caps have the bodies to accommodate this? I did ask someone familiar with the Caps PP to explain it to me so I could try and figure this out but ouuuugh. My head is spinning. Someone smarter than me please jump in. I am TIRED . We don’t know what it will look like, what they’re planning to do with Dubois on the power play. You guys probably have a better idea about what’s possible than I do <3

Conclusion?

PLD is fast, big, a passing threat and a formidable net front presence when he’s given the opportunity and playing his A-game. As far as I can tell, his B-game is garbage </3 His poor performance is more complicated than people think and I’m pretty sure only the LA Kings beat reporters + the 12 kings fans on twitter know this. Most of them still dislike PLD anyway bc his low motor. I don’t blame them, I’m just more inclined to be forgiving because I love redemption arcs and I think he’s a good person. i would love to be wrong about his low-effort B-game LMAO but im trying to be realistic here. I want him to fit in and be embraced by the Caps so bad <3 Your coach sounds like he wants to help PLD succeed and is up for the challenge. The vibes from my friends who follow the Caps are always good, I’ve read through various tags and it sounds like a place that will take him in whether he likes it or not. I might be stupid but I believe in him !!! and I’ve laid out all the hockey bullshit for you to the best of my ability. Given all of this… do you think he’ll do well?

[wormonastringtheory]

hi i know it seems very weird to be asking for money when my grandpa just died but fuck even though i am sort of optimistic we'll reach our goal i am still stressed as hell about what our future housing situation actually is gonna be, like we aren't gonna be on the streets as we have supports but i just. Want this nightmare to be over given all the bs we've gone through in the last month and a half. like having to drop out of school losing my job getting scammed out of housing not being able to find a job and having to rely completely on my art (which pls understand I LOVE having my art business but it's still stressful), Mason's job being delayed, my grants for school being turned into loans, existing as an anti-zionist Jewish convert in general right now, and my chronic illnesses, and now my grandpa dying and me not even getting to go in and see him because his daughter invited everyone and nobody managed to get me in because it's been so busy, I'm so fuckin tired and drained. Fuckin hell. Some friends have donated today full disclosure, and we're on our way to be able to get housing that works, but we still need help towards it. If people can please either get stuff from my redbubble or donate if they can I really would like to have a bit less stress on my plate in regards to our future

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