#but i also cant get myself to fucking care and i hate it
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I am so jealous and angry rn, and I have no good reason to be
#i suck at making friends#i cant even talk to anyone consistently here#let alone in the real world#im so jelous of everyone here who has frie ds and talk consistently with their friends#im so jealous of my brother who has always struggled to make friends that he now has so many#and i know i can fix this if i just TALK TO PEOPLE#but i also cant get myself to fucking care and i hate it#i hate it so fucking much that i cant get myself to do shit#tw rant#rant#i just#i feel exhausted talking to people#like i realize halfway through our conversation i just dont want to talk anymore#even if im enjoying the conversation#it might've been quarantine and moving in the start of it#and maybe i just haven't talked to people (besides my job) ery much for like 2 years#and maybe its like a muscle i have to train#but idk how to anymore#tw oversharing#oversharing
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I genuinely cannot feel strongly for men so if I react less interested / completely disinterested when I see a guy I can’t project into it’s not me trying to make my lesbian statement I GENUINELY just *cannot* care.
#i get it how people want to see more men in gacha game with 90% women but unless he’s a character i can kin then i….#i cant bring myself to care. genuinely.#which is why i do not try to advocate to see more men in r99#i dont mind if people do but i personally want to see more women AND ENBIES HELLO…???#im not idgaf bc i hate men im idgaf bc i idgaf abt men simple as that#mochats#if we get more male characters ‘Thats Cool’ but also ‘I Dont Care. Goodbye.’#just like how irl i remove myself from the conversation whenever my girl friends talk about dudes#i need lesbian friends fuck#IM NOT YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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alright!!!! kitchen CLEANED ‼️ carry on PACKED ‼️ now i just need to do my homework and then maybe take a really really really quick (4 hour long) nap before dinner/online class. then i will grind on the silly silly why did i decide to do this animation meme/animatic until 3 am hits and i've gotta hit the port. the AIRport :3
in exchange for my incredible unprecedented productiveness i made this little doodle just now. i'm actually a liar i did this in school but still
#honestly killer could be doing fuck knows and i wouldn't even know. still love him though#at this point???? at this point i dont even keep up with his characterization i will not lie#horror and dust are my favorite children im sorry killer. you'll get your time to shine when the seasons change#which is probably soon idk man whatever i love them all ewually :333#anyways killer's just not sleeping in that one. bro's had the longest streak of no sleep he aint breaking it now#erm ACTUALLY he's looking at the viewer and therefore breaking the fourth wall and thats soooooo cool#triglycercule what are you on#why are they all sleeping in the same bed#well obviously because they didn't wanna deal with multiple#but also they cannot be bothered to cuddle close together#dust kicks too much. horror steals too much space. killer sometimes just sits up for several periods of time#worlds craziest sleep#killer actually could be sleeping in that one but i just dont know#but triglycercule didnt you draw this and therefore should know what he's doing?????#idk man killer's an enigma i cant control him 💀💀💀 he does his own shit whatever#i lov making killer so crazily abnormal its so silly#who cares about canon (i do) ok well still im having FUN doodling#shut up and get back to rereading askdusttale and horrortale and something new#alright........ (pitifully limps away)#i tag some things rants when its actually art but i just dont want my art tsg 2 be littered with doodles#maybe thats bad. maybe i should start tagging properly#ok rant tag removed........ iGUESS this is art#euaghhhhhh but its just a DOODLS!!!! IT DOESNT DESERVE TO BE CONSIDERED GOOD ART WORTHY OF THE TAG#but triglycercule art is art no matter if doodle or not. stop belittling yourself for naught!#i hate when i get inspirational and supportive on myself man can i just suffer without some knowitall up my ass#i sound insane rn what am i doing. the bit is not funny#and i changed my mind this is a rant again not art#tricule rant#see it WOULD be both if i wanted to do dual tags. but i dont
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i know a lot of trans women talk about mourning not growing up a girl and i always thought i didnt experience any equivalent to that (probably for many reasons) but the last couple weeks i realised i think i do and its specifically about not growing up a gay man.
#i wish i hadnt realized this bc now despite my best efforts i can't stop driving myself crazy about it.#but like i never really cared abt not growing up a cis boy bc i always imagined myself being straight#but now that I've imagined myself being gay oh my god this fucking sucks i hate it here.#avpost#also whenever i hear cis gay men talk about like growing up. or being in high school. or their gay awakenings.#its like. im not jealous exactly but i feel like something important was stolen from me and i cant get it back god im so mad#idk also as i get further in my transition i feel so disconnected from my youth like it didn't fully belong to me#but i also don't have anything to take its place theres just a gap there where the life i should've had would go.#and i think its stupid bc its like. whatever who cares about what could have been all i have is what was. why am i making myself crazy .#but i can't help it -_-
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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i was just sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, having greek yogurt with grape nuts - which i thought was perfectly normal - and my mom cam in and with complete sincerity told me that i needed to have some fruit with it because otherwise i was basically eating plain sugar. am i going insane here
#boink#i went grocery shopping for her the other day and apparently i got the wrong yogurt bc it has too much sugar and fat in it#idk#anyway she got mad at me for eating yogurt the other day too#i had had one spoon of it after stirring it up out of the fridge#and she got all prickly and asked if i ever check the serving size on food#and that i should pay attention to how much i was eating and put it in a bowl instead of eating it out of the container#which i was notable not doing#anyway#she also got upset when she noticed it was the wrong kind and said that i needed to be careful eating it because it's basically candy#and THEN when i got upset abt this she said not to get mad at her for caring#which#ok#but i just#god#i dont know#im the fattest person in my family#when i was a kid one of the traits that i sort of adopted bc people said it abt me was that i was 'always hungry'#even though that wasnt true#that im not picky and ill eat anything which /again/ is not true#and now that im older i can just tell. that people look at me and think i'm gluttonous. like it's a sin right#and i know especially with my family that that's what theyre thinking about me#i already have so much guilt about wanting things and enjoying things#like this year at school i feel like i was doing so well with that kind of thing#and i gained weight of course i did of course#and thats shitty and whatever the fuck but also i didnt hate myself for it a lot of the time?#and now im back in my house and its just like. i dont know#i need to work through things one step at a time#and i just cant#i mean not with everyone watching
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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach
#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed#and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore#wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever#i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous#asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here#and i do so so so fucking badly#then. things have to change#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about#NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her#i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown#but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage#to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different#thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT#god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go#this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough
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...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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i love complexity. except of course if it's about me . hope that helps
#transmission#what i mean is i love acknowleging nuance and intricacies but i hate when i cant neatly compartmentalise myself#i want to know WHY im xyz! a distinct reason! and etc#i was thinking deeply the past few days on why i suddenly got so mad bc i do Not usually talk that way publicly#bc i dont want to be hypocritical in that. i purposefully usually speak in a way where i make myself overly clear and#try to avoid making people feel ashamed in any way. because i KNOW how it feels right#but digging further i think its like. its a rage inducing cycle of mockery in the infinite fandom. the normies make fun of the weirdos#and the weirdos make fun of the normies because hey fuck you too. and ppl who enjoy infinite casually arent inherently wrong#but when they fill the tags with complsints and criticisms on a source material they havent delved into much#it irritates a lot of the people who HAVE because while an opinion is fine critiquing something seriously does mean understanding it#on a bit deeper of a level i think?#and thats what always got me personally#but we just have this system of you suck youre wrong and i think its also because infinite has taken so much shit that#we are VERY protective and defensive. like yeah if people spend years ripping into the thing that you like that happens#idk in just pondering. the ponderer...#i like to analyse not just fiction but how ppls brains work in general and irl stuff#mostly personal dissection bc im obsessive about myself. not in a fun way but more an endless interrogation and rumination way#the disorder fr#not wanting to hurt ppl and make them feel judged bc you know what its like vs carthasis of dunking on ppl who dunk on you#thats what i think it is for me#one of the reasons i wasnt posting for a long time was caring too much abt other people so if im getting the itch again#im gonna keep an eye on it#anyway
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🚬🧸🧃🎀
#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance#so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life#and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future#so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D#what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it#i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months#then i'll start my other 4 classes in january#i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt#if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may#if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless#i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education#bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it#also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move#i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try#i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?
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#oh for fucks sake#if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g#she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up#which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc#and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour#'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest#b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt#c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit#not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT#i gotta get out of here#this woman is so immensely hateful#ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative#ableism#verbal abuse#ask to tag
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my brother is visiting us again and i'm soooo fucking doneeee he is so annoying omg
#how did my sister and i get all the cool genes#he touched me again (like in a friendly way not weird) but i really dislike it and i glared at him and he just didnt stop until i was like#“I'm about to punch you” lmao#i know i should just set clear boundaires etc etc but its so uncomfortable to do that bc it makes YOU the person who turns a normal situati#n into something uncomfortable and weird by saying something#but like my mom and my sister confirm that i can conjur a VERY obvious leave-me-the-fuck-alone-ill-kill-you-if-you-touch-me-aura#and he doesnt have the autism excuse not to notice that#i think what i also really hate is that he just doesnt take me serious as an adult bc i'm the youngest of us#he's 6 yrs older and that might have been a lot when we were kids but it isnt really anymore and i'm fucking 23!!#i can take care of myself just fine#like asking if i ate lunch and if im doing ok and all in this kinda pitiful voice that I CANT STAAANDDDD#and he always tries to illicite some kinda deep therapy like talk when i dont want to#i find him so incredibly hard to deal with rn#also he smells bad sorry not sorry#and i dont get how so many men dont notice that they fucking REEK#personal
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i don't want to ask for reassurance, i just want people to say they care about me and trust me and hell maybe they can tell me they want to spend time with me or they want to talk to me or listen to me or hug me or fuck maybe they can tell me they love me
#god all that shit fucked me up again and now i can't even get myself to message my friends because what if they don't want to hear from me?#i can't ask my friends to hang out. i cant open up to a person. i can't ask my step dad to take me somewhere. i can't look my mom in the eye#it's worse now that i have rational thoughts. i understand that /someone/ likely has to care about me. i understand it's impossible for me-#to be fully untrustworthy or unlovable or not thought about. especially with the people i surround myself with#but it's just so hard to believe. and god i wish i just hated myself but i /don't/. i really don't#and that's what makes it so hard. i can't find any major flaws in myself but i also can't find a reason why someone would stick around#i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep#god. this fuckin sucks. i just want it to go back to how it was before where i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells ALL the time#yeah i was still so unsure but not i can't even /text/ my /best friends/. what the hell??
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daily shuffle ting 📸
#im having a mid crisis when im not even middle aged n i dont wanna go back to school#good day and good night. i wanna sink into the floor#bc a football club i decided to support with my heart n soul has betrayed me n i dont even like to watch games anymore#also im reading a drarry fanfiction like im 13 again.#and my skin is awful. and and and im having a crisis n so many emotions that i dont even know where they stem from#i cant even smile properly anymore ive been facial training again bc ive slacked during covid n now —#i dont know how to my eyes have expresseds n i dont know how to smile or look like i care and i TOOK A HARDER HISTORY CLASS FOR NO REASONNN#I DONT EVEN LIKE HISTORYYYYYYYY#and i hate everything n ive been avoiding all my friends n texting ppl less n im just in a Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#i feel worthless n disgusting n my first thought when i wake up is 'i gotta take my acnetame and maybe if i deserve it i can shave my legs'#i naired one of them— my right. she is smooth in ways she hasnt been in a while. my left? chewbacca#n my school changed my passwords for my canvas so now tmr at 1:30 !! I GOTTA WALK UP THERE N GET MY NEW PERSONAL INFORMATION#the clothes i bought i didnt rlly like. but i just wanted to leave the store n make my grandmother happy. now im going into the school year#with clothes i hate n they dont feel gpod and theyre Not the right texture theyre too tight. But not in ways i love theyre too Tight.#n i .s.msneenen all my shoes r blk !!!! theyre all blk !!!!#sjsndjddjd and my hair !!!! my hair!!!!@ sjdjdjdu#God i just wanna lay in my room take showers n rot#roll around and hit myself on my headboard so hard i go into coma n i miss my entire year#n then i fuck off to hershey for chocolate bars and chocolate bags#cant even scrapbook right itsall paint its all paint n aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im in agony bc im not even saying whats rlly wrong with me#im focusing on the little problems and not the one it stims from. Like a web but if the spider only hang off the edge n never the middle#n everyone keeps talking at me n when i respond they yell at me for everything n i get pushed to the side#bc they hate whatever i have to say for whatever reason n wtv ig i hate them back. always pushing me down fuck them fuck them get out.#n now my friend is texting me her stuff after never speaking to me unless she has a problem#Anyways. sorry sorry. im whining im complaining im really depressed rn n def not in the right headspace to post any of this#or talk to anyone who is reading this. this probably doesnt make sense i left holes in my sentences#so sorry super sorry#that is a photo of me as a baby btw. it is the only one. please love her and maybe tell her she has nice eyebrows. she'd love that#we always take rlly good care of our eyebrows. thats a rule. we just plucked them today#anyways. see you. ill post hp gifs later n forger i ever felt bad to beginning. all of the best.
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💒🧸🎀🐇
#i've been so so scared and anxious and worried for the future for a while now#everything's changing#my mom is talking about moving (without me lol rip)#i have to become independent now#i fucking hate myself bc im almost 25!!!! and im still a pathetic loser who is dependent on her mom#but ofc i cant be#even if i've thought a lot abt myself and my personality disorders and i think this is just who i am#i need and want to be dependent on someone. to be taken care of and someone to make choices for me#but my mom just dont want to do that which i ofc get sksksk#and idk i dont have a dream. i cant imagine myself capable of any job#but i have two ideas of occupations i might be ok at#buuuuut i have no fkn idea how u get an apartment??? how do u get money? how do u do this and that#i know NOTHING abt being an adult or independent and im so fucking scared#dying seems so much easier and more tempting#i cant do.. cant do it to my mom#also it's sad bc recently a dream has formed in my mind#it's including another person tho. and i dont have any control over that. i cant force someone to choose or want me#so that dream is the least realistic of everything. even if this person really is my dream.... bit i cant count on it#and i have to build a live for myself. even if its not the life i really want#im scared im too dumb and childish and worthless to do so tho
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