#but i also cant get myself to fucking care and i hate it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fishybehavior · 2 years ago

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I am so jealous and angry rn, and I have no good reason to be

#i suck at making friends #i cant even talk to anyone consistently here #let alone in the real world #im so jelous of everyone here who has frie ds and talk consistently with their friends #im so jealous of my brother who has always struggled to make friends that he now has so many #and i know i can fix this if i just TALK TO PEOPLE #but i also cant get myself to fucking care and i hate it #i hate it so fucking much that i cant get myself to do shit #tw rant #rant #i just #i feel exhausted talking to people #like i realize halfway through our conversation i just dont want to talk anymore #even if im enjoying the conversation #it might've been quarantine and moving in the start of it #and maybe i just haven't talked to people (besides my job) ery much for like 2 years #and maybe its like a muscle i have to train #but idk how to anymore #tw oversharing #oversharing

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anonymocha · 1 month ago

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I genuinely cannot feel strongly for men so if I react less interested / completely disinterested when I see a guy I can’t project into it’s not me trying to make my lesbian statement I GENUINELY just *cannot* care.

#i get it how people want to see more men in gacha game with 90% women but unless he’s a character i can kin then i….#i cant bring myself to care. genuinely.#which is why i do not try to advocate to see more men in r99 #i dont mind if people do but i personally want to see more women AND ENBIES HELLO…???#im not idgaf bc i hate men im idgaf bc i idgaf abt men simple as that #mochats #if we get more male characters ‘Thats Cool’ but also ‘I Dont Care. Goodbye.’#just like how irl i remove myself from the conversation whenever my girl friends talk about dudes #i need lesbian friends fuck #IM NOT YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE

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triglycercule · 2 months ago

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alright!!!! kitchen CLEANED ‼️ carry on PACKED ‼️ now i just need to do my homework and then maybe take a really really really quick (4 hour long) nap before dinner/online class. then i will grind on the silly silly why did i decide to do this animation meme/animatic until 3 am hits and i've gotta hit the port. the AIRport :3

in exchange for my incredible unprecedented productiveness i made this little doodle just now. i'm actually a liar i did this in school but still

#honestly killer could be doing fuck knows and i wouldn't even know. still love him though #at this point???? at this point i dont even keep up with his characterization i will not lie #horror and dust are my favorite children im sorry killer. you'll get your time to shine when the seasons change #which is probably soon idk man whatever i love them all ewually :333 #anyways killer's just not sleeping in that one. bro's had the longest streak of no sleep he aint breaking it now #erm ACTUALLY he's looking at the viewer and therefore breaking the fourth wall and thats soooooo cool #triglycercule what are you on #why are they all sleeping in the same bed #well obviously because they didn't wanna deal with multiple #but also they cannot be bothered to cuddle close together #dust kicks too much. horror steals too much space. killer sometimes just sits up for several periods of time #worlds craziest sleep #killer actually could be sleeping in that one but i just dont know #but triglycercule didnt you draw this and therefore should know what he's doing?????#idk man killer's an enigma i cant control him 💀💀💀 he does his own shit whatever #i lov making killer so crazily abnormal its so silly #who cares about canon (i do) ok well still im having FUN doodling #shut up and get back to rereading askdusttale and horrortale and something new #alright........ (pitifully limps away)#i tag some things rants when its actually art but i just dont want my art tsg 2 be littered with doodles #maybe thats bad. maybe i should start tagging properly #ok rant tag removed........ iGUESS this is art #euaghhhhhh but its just a DOODLS!!!! IT DOESNT DESERVE TO BE CONSIDERED GOOD ART WORTHY OF THE TAG #but triglycercule art is art no matter if doodle or not. stop belittling yourself for naught!#i hate when i get inspirational and supportive on myself man can i just suffer without some knowitall up my ass #i sound insane rn what am i doing. the bit is not funny #and i changed my mind this is a rant again not art #tricule rant #see it WOULD be both if i wanted to do dual tags. but i dont

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marklikely · 7 months ago

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i know a lot of trans women talk about mourning not growing up a girl and i always thought i didnt experience any equivalent to that (probably for many reasons) but the last couple weeks i realised i think i do and its specifically about not growing up a gay man.

#i wish i hadnt realized this bc now despite my best efforts i can't stop driving myself crazy about it.#but like i never really cared abt not growing up a cis boy bc i always imagined myself being straight #but now that I've imagined myself being gay oh my god this fucking sucks i hate it here.#avpost #also whenever i hear cis gay men talk about like growing up. or being in high school. or their gay awakenings.#its like. im not jealous exactly but i feel like something important was stolen from me and i cant get it back god im so mad #idk also as i get further in my transition i feel so disconnected from my youth like it didn't fully belong to me #but i also don't have anything to take its place theres just a gap there where the life i should've had would go.#and i think its stupid bc its like. whatever who cares about what could have been all i have is what was. why am i making myself crazy .#but i can't help it -_-

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1hyunjae · 17 days ago

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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve #all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well #its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and #horrible #why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing #anything abt myself #and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom #which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years #i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse #but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im #just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them #i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though #thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore #more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at #least havent in the past #and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know #i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all #and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault #and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do #idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like #i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with #my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to #anyways

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stormyrainyday · 5 months ago

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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy

#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story #first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends #something that had been ongoing for years but #my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year #my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on #i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed #i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally #i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain #pain so bad id be bedridden for hours #got 6 weeks of migraines near daily #sometimes multiple in a day #stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care #bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied #visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again #am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone #but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present #constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working #and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet #lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year #the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers #i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet #UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god #anyway im sure ive failed #and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years #anyway deep sigh i just stay losing #i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls #and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down

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halfdeadwallfly · 6 months ago

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i was just sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, having greek yogurt with grape nuts - which i thought was perfectly normal - and my mom cam in and with complete sincerity told me that i needed to have some fruit with it because otherwise i was basically eating plain sugar. am i going insane here

#boink #i went grocery shopping for her the other day and apparently i got the wrong yogurt bc it has too much sugar and fat in it #idk #anyway she got mad at me for eating yogurt the other day too #i had had one spoon of it after stirring it up out of the fridge #and she got all prickly and asked if i ever check the serving size on food #and that i should pay attention to how much i was eating and put it in a bowl instead of eating it out of the container #which i was notable not doing #anyway #she also got upset when she noticed it was the wrong kind and said that i needed to be careful eating it because it's basically candy #and THEN when i got upset abt this she said not to get mad at her for caring #which #ok #but i just #god #i dont know #im the fattest person in my family #when i was a kid one of the traits that i sort of adopted bc people said it abt me was that i was 'always hungry'#even though that wasnt true #that im not picky and ill eat anything which /again/ is not true #and now that im older i can just tell. that people look at me and think i'm gluttonous. like it's a sin right #and i know especially with my family that that's what theyre thinking about me #i already have so much guilt about wanting things and enjoying things #like this year at school i feel like i was doing so well with that kind of thing #and i gained weight of course i did of course #and thats shitty and whatever the fuck but also i didnt hate myself for it a lot of the time?#and now im back in my house and its just like. i dont know #i need to work through things one step at a time #and i just cant #i mean not with everyone watching

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readymades2002 · 4 months ago

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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach

#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed #and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore #wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever #i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous #asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here #and i do so so so fucking badly #then. things have to change #struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about #NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her #i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown #but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage #to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different #thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT #god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go #this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

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...

#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak #who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad #and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur #research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a #bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way #i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit #i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like #i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt #wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide #stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the #predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing #i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just #send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel #ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart #ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run #this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated

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inf1nyxw0rlds · 7 months ago

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i love complexity. except of course if it's about me . hope that helps

#transmission #what i mean is i love acknowleging nuance and intricacies but i hate when i cant neatly compartmentalise myself #i want to know WHY im xyz! a distinct reason! and etc #i was thinking deeply the past few days on why i suddenly got so mad bc i do Not usually talk that way publicly #bc i dont want to be hypocritical in that. i purposefully usually speak in a way where i make myself overly clear and #try to avoid making people feel ashamed in any way. because i KNOW how it feels right #but digging further i think its like. its a rage inducing cycle of mockery in the infinite fandom. the normies make fun of the weirdos #and the weirdos make fun of the normies because hey fuck you too. and ppl who enjoy infinite casually arent inherently wrong #but when they fill the tags with complsints and criticisms on a source material they havent delved into much #it irritates a lot of the people who HAVE because while an opinion is fine critiquing something seriously does mean understanding it #on a bit deeper of a level i think?#and thats what always got me personally #but we just have this system of you suck youre wrong and i think its also because infinite has taken so much shit that #we are VERY protective and defensive. like yeah if people spend years ripping into the thing that you like that happens #idk in just pondering. the ponderer...#i like to analyse not just fiction but how ppls brains work in general and irl stuff #mostly personal dissection bc im obsessive about myself. not in a fun way but more an endless interrogation and rumination way #the disorder fr #not wanting to hurt ppl and make them feel judged bc you know what its like vs carthasis of dunking on ppl who dunk on you #thats what i think it is for me #one of the reasons i wasnt posting for a long time was caring too much abt other people so if im getting the itch again #im gonna keep an eye on it #anyway

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agayconcept · 8 months ago

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#oh for fucks sake #if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g #she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up #which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc #and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour #'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest #b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt #c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit #not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT #i gotta get out of here #this woman is so immensely hateful #ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative #ableism #verbal abuse #ask to tag

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scentofpines · 4 months ago

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my brother is visiting us again and i'm soooo fucking doneeee he is so annoying omg

#how did my sister and i get all the cool genes #he touched me again (like in a friendly way not weird) but i really dislike it and i glared at him and he just didnt stop until i was like #“I'm about to punch you” lmao #i know i should just set clear boundaires etc etc but its so uncomfortable to do that bc it makes YOU the person who turns a normal situati #n into something uncomfortable and weird by saying something #but like my mom and my sister confirm that i can conjur a VERY obvious leave-me-the-fuck-alone-ill-kill-you-if-you-touch-me-aura #and he doesnt have the autism excuse not to notice that #i think what i also really hate is that he just doesnt take me serious as an adult bc i'm the youngest of us #he's 6 yrs older and that might have been a lot when we were kids but it isnt really anymore and i'm fucking 23!!#i can take care of myself just fine #like asking if i ate lunch and if im doing ok and all in this kinda pitiful voice that I CANT STAAANDDDD #and he always tries to illicite some kinda deep therapy like talk when i dont want to #i find him so incredibly hard to deal with rn #also he smells bad sorry not sorry #and i dont get how so many men dont notice that they fucking REEK #personal

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hazmatazz · 10 months ago

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i don't want to ask for reassurance, i just want people to say they care about me and trust me and hell maybe they can tell me they want to spend time with me or they want to talk to me or listen to me or hug me or fuck maybe they can tell me they love me

#god all that shit fucked me up again and now i can't even get myself to message my friends because what if they don't want to hear from me?#i can't ask my friends to hang out. i cant open up to a person. i can't ask my step dad to take me somewhere. i can't look my mom in the eye #it's worse now that i have rational thoughts. i understand that /someone/ likely has to care about me. i understand it's impossible for me-#to be fully untrustworthy or unlovable or not thought about. especially with the people i surround myself with #but it's just so hard to believe. and god i wish i just hated myself but i /don't/. i really don't #and that's what makes it so hard. i can't find any major flaws in myself but i also can't find a reason why someone would stick around #i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep #god. this fuckin sucks. i just want it to go back to how it was before where i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells ALL the time #yeah i was still so unsure but not i can't even /text/ my /best friends/. what the hell??

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rashfordian · 1 year ago

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