#but i also cant get myself to fucking care and i hate it
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my personal sonadow headcanons in no particular order bc im procrastinating on writing a research paper right now and its either do this or throw myself off the roof:
Shadow is a few inches shorter than Sonic, but ONLY if he takes his shoes off. cue many years' worth of shenanigans with Shadow doing everything in his power to avoid going barefoot in Sonic's presence because he knows if Sonic finds out he'll never hear the end of it (hes right)
T4T SONADOW
Sonic was able to get top surgery, but Shadow's body healed itself too quickly for it to work on him. flash forward to when he gets his Black Doom abilities and one of his first orders of business is to fuck around with them until he's able to give HIMSELF top surgery
Sonic hates coffee beans (too bitter) and Shadow hates chili dogs (too heavy/savory). they've broken up over this enough times for Rouge to lose count
Sonic is so good at flirting with everyone EXCEPT SHADOW. HE GETS TOO FLUSTERED. HE TRIES SO HARD AND IT NEVER WORKS BUT SHADOW IS TOO DOWN BAD TO CARE
Shadow grew up on a space station, with no biological reason to eat, and no access to fresh food or a kitchen. Sonic literally raised both himself AND TAILS. Shadow is NOT the cook between the two of them please everyone keeps saying otherwise and i dont understand it you cant convince me shadow knows how to boil a pot of water PLEASE SOMEBODY AGREE WITH ME
Sonic ages. Shadow doesn't. 50 years down the line somebody asks Sonic if Shadow is his son. Shadow immediately gets payback for 50 years of short jokes.
they are both so smart and so capable and so dangerous by themselves but if you put them in the same room in any context outside of a life-or-death situation they become the two dumbest motherfuckers you've ever had the displeasure of engaging in polite conversation with
shadow bottoms what who said that
okay this one might be silly but I feel like they would both be good at chess??? like Sonic is surprisingly well-read and more observant than people give him credit for, and Shadow probably had a lot of strategy training from GUN + played games with Maria on the ARK. idk i just feel like it would be a fun way for them to challenge each other outside of just racing/combat yknow
they both wear jewelry with each others' colors :] i usually make it earrings but i think Sonic having bracelets to mirror Shadow's rings would be really cute too
autistic Shadow and ADHD Sonic yes please yes yes yes
Sonic is the most verbally affectionate and Shadow is the most physically affectionate IM RIGHT YOU CANT ARGUE WITH ME ON THIS ONE IM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN GOODBYE
they like to beat each other up a little toooooo much and its kinda toxic maybe but also theyre both having fun so like. maybe its just a love language 🫶🫶
Tails is so, SO disappointed with Sonic for his choice in men. like he actively considers holding an intervention when he finds out that Shadow and Sonic started dating
theyre both somewhere on the aromantic and asexual spectrums because uhhhhhh so am i and i can project if i want to
Sonic is a chronic yapper and Shadow is a listener BUT. HEAR ME OUT. IT STARTS TO SWAP AS THEY GET MORE COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER. shadow comes out of his shell and feels more at ease talking, and sonic appreciates having someone who doesnt expect him to be at full energy/optimism 24/7 and lets him be silent when he needs to be
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I am so jealous and angry rn, and I have no good reason to be
#i suck at making friends#i cant even talk to anyone consistently here#let alone in the real world#im so jelous of everyone here who has frie ds and talk consistently with their friends#im so jealous of my brother who has always struggled to make friends that he now has so many#and i know i can fix this if i just TALK TO PEOPLE#but i also cant get myself to fucking care and i hate it#i hate it so fucking much that i cant get myself to do shit#tw rant#rant#i just#i feel exhausted talking to people#like i realize halfway through our conversation i just dont want to talk anymore#even if im enjoying the conversation#it might've been quarantine and moving in the start of it#and maybe i just haven't talked to people (besides my job) ery much for like 2 years#and maybe its like a muscle i have to train#but idk how to anymore#tw oversharing#oversharing
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I genuinely cannot feel strongly for men so if I react less interested / completely disinterested when I see a guy I can’t project into it’s not me trying to make my lesbian statement I GENUINELY just *cannot* care.
#i get it how people want to see more men in gacha game with 90% women but unless he’s a character i can kin then i….#i cant bring myself to care. genuinely.#which is why i do not try to advocate to see more men in r99#i dont mind if people do but i personally want to see more women AND ENBIES HELLO…???#im not idgaf bc i hate men im idgaf bc i idgaf abt men simple as that#mochats#if we get more male characters ‘Thats Cool’ but also ‘I Dont Care. Goodbye.’#just like how irl i remove myself from the conversation whenever my girl friends talk about dudes#i need lesbian friends fuck#IM NOT YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE
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I am having the worst three days in a row I could possibly have right now and i just accidentally slept all day so now my sleep is going to be completely fucked yayyyyyy
#me :)#i had like 3 panic attacks last night haha hooray i love being in college#and then i had to emergency apply for a vet care credit card bc i didnt find out how much my cat's teeth cleaning would be and then it was#800 dollars !!!!!!!!!#which i cant ask my parents to pay right now. because they are paying for a new phone for me because mine decided to die last night yippie#and also my stupid fucking dead cousin's death anniversary is coming up i hate that guy so much#and im not going to do anything but ive had such an intense shot of stress all at once that my brain is defaulting back to if any minor#inconvenience happens we should just kill ourself so i keep thinking about throwing myself into traffic. and now i have to pay off a fuckin#800 hundred dollar bill while im trying to save up to be able to move out to my own place with my partner once my lease ends. so its going#pretty good all things considered#collapses in a pile on the floor screaming and crying and vomiting#also i missed my school's free food thing today and i have none of my credit cards right now because i lost them all last weeeeeek and i#cant afford to buy groceries right now! so i dont even get to have food i like#and i missed it because i was asleep all day because i couldnt fall asleep till late last night because i had to distract myself from#thinking about killing myself and then i had to get up at 8 am to take my cat to the vet. and i had to miss one of my three excused labs#this semester#so its awesome. its awesome
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mental health so bad im fighting real demons not to start mentally ill posting like i did in 2021 so far they are winning
#that era was so terrible but i desperately needed support and attention sighs#or just maybe a place to vent#sighs idk how to describe it#everything is so horrible for me chat#i genuinely have nobody to turn to for anything because i am noones first choice#i dont have a best friend and i dont have people in my life who care about me anymore#what the fuck are my online friends gunna do?? they live across the country#atleast i can see them in august#but i have fucking no one#its so horrible and its my oen fault for personality mirroring that stupid evil twink#i dont go to school anymore so i never leave the house and i dont have people i can talk to because of everything thats happened#i dont have a chance socially#im so lonely#i hate it so much. i hate feeling alone and i hate feeling like everyone hates me#the one person i felt i could be open with doesnt text me past needing something from me and whenever i message them they dont reply back#i dont blame them. im not mad im just tired of feeling like a tool#i cant stand to feel used#idk if its cause of my trauma or what?? idk#but i just feel so horrible all the time#HASHTAG SUFFERING!!!!!#i yearn to be loved in any shape or form but ive been such a horrible person that i feel like im unlovable and unredeemable#im glad im not a bad person anymore but im also tired of people acting like a 14 y/o cant get better. im not irredeemable.#im a teenager#its a huge time of change and character development#you have to make mistakes and be in the wrong to get better#im tired of the people around me pretending theyre absolutely perfect. im not morally dubious im just human#and im tired of everyone i surrounded myself with acting like theyre above me for that#i just need someone to tell me if im right or wrong because i cant fucking tell anymore. i think and i think and i think but i dont know#idk guys#eddie yaps
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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i was just sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, having greek yogurt with grape nuts - which i thought was perfectly normal - and my mom cam in and with complete sincerity told me that i needed to have some fruit with it because otherwise i was basically eating plain sugar. am i going insane here
#boink#i went grocery shopping for her the other day and apparently i got the wrong yogurt bc it has too much sugar and fat in it#idk#anyway she got mad at me for eating yogurt the other day too#i had had one spoon of it after stirring it up out of the fridge#and she got all prickly and asked if i ever check the serving size on food#and that i should pay attention to how much i was eating and put it in a bowl instead of eating it out of the container#which i was notable not doing#anyway#she also got upset when she noticed it was the wrong kind and said that i needed to be careful eating it because it's basically candy#and THEN when i got upset abt this she said not to get mad at her for caring#which#ok#but i just#god#i dont know#im the fattest person in my family#when i was a kid one of the traits that i sort of adopted bc people said it abt me was that i was 'always hungry'#even though that wasnt true#that im not picky and ill eat anything which /again/ is not true#and now that im older i can just tell. that people look at me and think i'm gluttonous. like it's a sin right#and i know especially with my family that that's what theyre thinking about me#i already have so much guilt about wanting things and enjoying things#like this year at school i feel like i was doing so well with that kind of thing#and i gained weight of course i did of course#and thats shitty and whatever the fuck but also i didnt hate myself for it a lot of the time?#and now im back in my house and its just like. i dont know#i need to work through things one step at a time#and i just cant#i mean not with everyone watching
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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach
#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed#and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore#wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever#i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous#asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here#and i do so so so fucking badly#then. things have to change#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about#NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her#i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown#but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage#to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different#thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT#god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go#this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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#oh for fucks sake#if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g#she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up#which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc#and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour#'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest#b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt#c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit#not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT#i gotta get out of here#this woman is so immensely hateful#ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative#ableism#verbal abuse#ask to tag
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my brother is visiting us again and i'm soooo fucking doneeee he is so annoying omg
#how did my sister and i get all the cool genes#he touched me again (like in a friendly way not weird) but i really dislike it and i glared at him and he just didnt stop until i was like#“I'm about to punch you” lmao#i know i should just set clear boundaires etc etc but its so uncomfortable to do that bc it makes YOU the person who turns a normal situati#n into something uncomfortable and weird by saying something#but like my mom and my sister confirm that i can conjur a VERY obvious leave-me-the-fuck-alone-ill-kill-you-if-you-touch-me-aura#and he doesnt have the autism excuse not to notice that#i think what i also really hate is that he just doesnt take me serious as an adult bc i'm the youngest of us#he's 6 yrs older and that might have been a lot when we were kids but it isnt really anymore and i'm fucking 23!!#i can take care of myself just fine#like asking if i ate lunch and if im doing ok and all in this kinda pitiful voice that I CANT STAAANDDDD#and he always tries to illicite some kinda deep therapy like talk when i dont want to#i find him so incredibly hard to deal with rn#also he smells bad sorry not sorry#and i dont get how so many men dont notice that they fucking REEK#personal
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not now kitten, daddy's on the brink of it
#always arguing with myself wether i should allow myself to be venty here cause i feel like im annoying but also its my home!!!#i should be able to be annoying#but also!!! i annoy myself venting!#AUGH BARK BARK BITE BIUTE[#I HATE FEELING BAD AND BEING AWARE ITS DOESNT MAKE SENSE BUT STILL FEELING BAD WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CANT JUST#FUCKING FEEL OKAY BY JUST USING LOGIC#EXPLODES THE WORLD WITH MY HEAD#God i need to get back on medication#but CHRIST.#its so fucking expensive#and even with brazilian health care its still a mess#like it will take more than a month for me to get started on medication that will fuck me up for a while#and i kinda dont wanna be insane on my first clinic job#BUT I ALREADY FEEL LIKE IT AUGHBDSEFCECUIHAEDDJUHG[#sorry for being depressive *thumbs up* and sorry for apologizing for shit i dont need to apologize#im just so stressed with everythings that im also slightly catatonic about it so yknow#like im leaving home 7:30am and getting back almost 10:00pm#and its all classes and internships and sidehustles#ive never felt so connected to bloody stickmen#its one of those months that logically i know shit will be okay#ijust cant emotionally feel like it#so fucking frusrtrating i want to kill the sun
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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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I need to MOVE so BADLY ashland is BAD and I HATE WISCONSIN
#max wants to move to amsterdam or colorado. i dont really care but i feel like my only option is to go back to school or something .#and it is so stressful. i hate it i hate it i hate it the future is so horrifying and i really dont know what im supposed to do!!#i dont know how different it would be if id stayed in school and maybe itd be better !! i dknt know#it feels impossible though bc i cant drive and i have no skills and no higher education and it feels like i am incapable of these things.#i love learning but i am so bad at school and ibwant to study what i love but i am so bad at academia and i want a job in these fields but#instead i am stupid. and unskilled. and annoying and need more help than i realized and cant do anything on my own#i feel myself deteriorating but i cant do anything to change it it seems. i know i can but also i feel like its so inevitable#and also i think equine stuff is just behind me now. i get really upset when i think about this but i think it is true#staying in school was probably the only way to guarantee it and now i fucked it up and dont even know if i have the ability to ride anymore#even working at a barn again might not be viable and it is all so painful and upsetting#plus one of my few friends here told me like actually yesterday that she had moved to chicago :(
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