#im the fattest person in my family

[halfdeadwallfly]

i was just sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, having greek yogurt with grape nuts - which i thought was perfectly normal - and my mom cam in and with complete sincerity told me that i needed to have some fruit with it because otherwise i was basically eating plain sugar. am i going insane here

[munch-mumbles]

can someone give me a pill that makes me brave enough to cut contact with my family

[cloggedarteri]

ive been reading the ffxv japanese translations and ive been taking notes as usual. take a peek if you'd like (this shit is not proof read, this came straight from the dome)

--ch 1:

♡the way regis speaks to noctis is so informal compared to eng...hes very close i feel

♡"Prompto: Ah, they sell Ebony here. Ignis will be happy"---prompto is so considerate bruh. its so sweet that he had an eye out for things ignis likes. it says something to have someone remember things about you....prompto has the fattest crush on ignis i can smell it

♡prompto is so cute omg: "Hooray. Just one more!" he says after their second fight with a herd 

♡dave asked for assistance in hunting down the last of the varmin in the area and there are three options: 1. do it for free. 2. do it for a price--2AP. and 3.ask my friends--150. the response for the second option is so awkward, noctis says: alright we'll do it...um the reward? AND THEN THE THIRD OPTION HAS IGNIS saying: It’s dangerous if we leave as it is. Tell us more about it......its so funny that ignis is very "he asked for no pickles on his burger" coded, speaking up for noctis

♡boys are very gun-ho/very impulsive...gladio had to hold the boys back before they attacked the infected dualhorn...very dad coded i love that for him

♡boys trying to figure out whos going to drive the car after its repairs... noctis is funny as hell. prompto said that he wasnt confident in his driving and noctis said:"im confident i will break the car again"...hes truly a passenger princess and i love it. a very self aware passanger princess

♡noctis is such a bro...he hears prompto wants to visit cindy in the future and he offers for him to borrow the regalia

♡ignis isnt saying his signature puns bruh...umbra came with the notebook and all ignis has to say is that hes a reliable messenger WHILE ENGLISH IGNIS SAYS THAT UMBRA "certainly nose how to find us" 

♡ahhh noctis is blushing when gladio puts him on the spot about wanting the marriage and prompto fucking calls it out too omg

♡gladio saying he wants to go for a dip in galdin quay makes me think of him dressing up as a mermaid for a party with the tail and pearls and everything...omg he does a little mermaid performance for iris's birthday b/c like any little girl she had a mermaid phase and he didnt want to disappoint his baby sister 😭 omg gladio i love you

♡with all the uncle ardyn fics ive read i find it really funny that during their first encounter arydn flicks the coin at the boys and says: "consider it your allowance"...arydn would be that uncle that pulls out a whole roll of 20s and 50s and 100s but then hand you a fucking dollar and say dont spend it all in one place...hes such an asshole😭

♡noctis is so cute bruh, he defo pegs me as a boy lacking in life experiences because he was all starry eyed when the zuzu flew away and said: "whoa, so magnificent", hes such a dork i fucking love him omg

♡the boys just called prompto a personality hire without substance when they were comparing him to dino

♡you know whats fucked up, everyone in the group had lost someone following the attack but we dont get a second to think about. yea noctis lost his father but the boys have all lost people, have all lost their homes...fuck gladios father died in action. ignis' uncle possibily died in action too. prompto's family situation is difficult but we can assume that his parents were lost in the casualty 

♡never noticed that this is probably the first time the boys see magitek troopers. it sounds like they know of them though (prob royal personel collected information about nifilheim tech---giving very cold war vibes ngl) gladio says: "so these are MTs

♡ end of the chapter gives us radio announcements and theres a segment talking about noctis: " He’s a calm person with a very gentle heart who loves animals and nature" --- now who the hell is telling them this. it gotta be regis wanting to gush about his boy     "And he’s also very serious, well-behaved, and always a top-scorer student." ---i had no idea he did well academically bruh. i cant help but imagine the effort it would have taken for him to be such an honor student, not only from noctis but from the boys too. how many late nights did he and the boys have to make sure he passed tests...ignis and gladio are very older siblings parenting their younger siblings coded and im so fucking sick        "On his day off, he seems to be doing community service to helps citizens." ---- NOW WHY THE FUCK DIDNT I KNOW NOCTIS HAD DONE COMMUNITY SERVICE, HE WAS REALLY THE PEOPLES PRINCE I HADNT KNOWN OMG HE WAS THE MALE PRINCESS DIANA IM FUCKING THROWING UP OMG MY SWEET BOY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 

[thotpuppy]

hi. it me. who and what is ghost? :o

im blowing u the fattest kiss

ghost is my special lil whumpee OC. the 'world' is kind of your classic generic xmen rip off - humans are developing weird powers, government enacts prejudice, etc. i have.... so much story for him totally unwritten akdgjkjagkajdgk i have like... the entire timeline for him birth into adulthood like... environmentally ? but i never managed to settle on an actual Plot for the story...

but anyway! Ghost has no name because he is the result of human experimentation paid for by a criminal organization on trying to isolate, reproduce, and control the genome that triggers powers in nextgen humans. teeeechnically speaking, though, the experiment was a failure. they managed to isolate and trigger it, but had 0 control over WHAt the ability was, and they got Ghost, who's ability is "intangibility". they wanted like, human flamethrowers lol. he still underwent all of the training and indoctrination to become a human weapon, even tho he rly doesn't have any supernatural offensive ability. he's totally brainwashed for the first huge chunk of his life but when he gets *cough* too old *cough* for the mob boss, he gets thrown out by being framed for a crime he hasn't Actually commited (tho he has commit many crime, including assassinating his boss' father, the previous mob boss)

when he's in jail tho in the middle of his whole life purpose being completely upended, he meets someone who helps him start trying to get himself sorted (striker). it turns out, the guy isn't REALLY in jail (for the reasons known to the warden) and he's part of a freedom fighter organization that's staging a jailbreak because of how many nextgens are in there for the crime of "being different". so it's both a literal and metaphorical rescue for Ghost.

(here's a reference image of ghost and striker in the prison uniforms from the brief period where i was convinced i was gonna make a comic)

anyway its technically a story of healing from trauma and becoming a person in the face of a world that would rather see you gone but with a side of superpowers, ass kicking, and found family.

this is the logo i made for the comic i will probably never make

[milagrosen]

Have you ever drawn Chernabog before? The big mountain bad guy from Fantasia? I adore the way you appreciate a muscly man and I've had the fattest crush on him since I was like 4 😭

Oooh yeha i know who you mean! i really like some of the designs in Fantasia and his is one of them, such a cool looking villian. My personal fav is the black baby pegasus and his family. I mean im up to it! im pretty ok with drawing muscle lol I would def draw him if someone would like to commission him when i open them!

[todayisafridaynight]

NGL kind of curious to know what you meant with regard to Smile being a sad kind of funny but that may be an excuse to experience the show secondhand while getting out of actually watching it...

NEVERTHELESS Garden already seemed super promising like 6 minutes in and I'm sooooo glad to hear it follows through... his character reminded me a lot of Shizuka in The Travel Nurse right off the bat (highly positive sign, that's my wife) but also Whore With A Terminal Illness is one of my favorite tropes... AND I get to see boobs... waow...

Don't Cry Mr. Ogre is def cute <3 Due to an atrocious viewing experience (as usual I guess) I do not remember much of Wish except that Tsutsumi read through some of the cookbooks they used to decorate the home set to pass the time LMAO but I hope you enjoy the rest of the movie :) See you at stream later!

LMAO if yaint plannin on watchin it then ill drop the FATTEST spoiler bombs ever. i suppose. i mean the spoilers arent anything Epic i guess but anyways. gonna put this ask under a cut since it's just turning into a review at this point LMAO

it's 'sad funny' to me because throughout the show, Our Japanese-Filipino Bestie vito constantly tells his love interest that he'll become a stronger person and he'll become better to protect her- yk that whole spiel. the problem with this is that Even Literally Hours Before He's Due To Be Executed For Murder, he's still telling her this when it's like... throughout the series Literally Every Episode or every other episode he's crying and having to rely on other people. there's nothing wrong with crying or needing help but he never sticks up for himself or does thing on his own, he ALWAYS ends up getting help or needing help.

the one time he DOES stand up for himself and protect her he's being punished for it Aka Being Put On Trial For Murder and it just leaves a really weird taste in my mouth. usually when you watch a show or movie you're waiting for some kind of character development but for our guy, it's not really there and it's just kind of sad to watch. but funny because he keeps saying he'll get better. but mostly sad.

i think i understand the angle of 'being a foreigner/perceived as a foreigner in japan is so arduous it can make someone not want to put in the effort, or theyre too scared to'- a type of Learned Helplessness right. but he's our protagonist: we're meant to see him stand up to these prejudices and want to advocate for himself, and tell us 'hey, just because things ARE this way doesn't mean they should be and it's right'. it's only because of kazuma (our Spoilers Korean-Japanese friend) that he's able to be acquitted for the death penalty- a penalty he wanted to accept because of the murder he committed (btw the guy he killed was the biggest jackass ever. like irredeemable. like he got vito in jail years ago and kidnapped him prior to his murder and wanted to put ANOTHER assault charge on him)

i get really itchy thinking about it.... korea and the philippines were both persecuted by japanese imperialism Thats A Fact, yet SEAsians are treated MUCH more differently compared to east asians. it's kind of funny (sad) how asians dont like each other and that there's almost a list of ethnicities more likely to get harsher treatment right- but i guess im getting off topic. it is something that was itching the back of my mind the entire time watching though

i'll pivot away from that Real Talk depressing-ass topic tho LMAOOOO im not the kind of guy for those discussions. 'whore with a terminal illness' is the funniest description HELP BUT IT'S TRUE THAT'S LITERALLY HIS CHARACTER i couldn't help but think of The Travel Nurse when i started watching too funnily enough... BUT YEAH I DO REC IT it's SOOOOOO good..... love it when nakai gets a terminal illness and now he has to be a family man..... it's a really specific set of circumstances but they deliver every time lol..... the show's p (✿U‿◕✿) bout the boobage i guess is a way to put it LMAO LIKE THEY NEVER LINGER AND IT'S P CASUAL but it is there and it did make me go Eyo like three times. since this ask is under a cut im at liberty to say im only asking for ONE (1) squeeze JUST ONE <- i am forcibly removed from the studio

MR OGRE WAS DEF CUTE i kept getting reminded of my old track coach lol..... im also just a baseball enjoyer so Unfortunately I Too was just sitting in my chair biting my knuckles during shit like saito bunting the ball instead of following obuchi's directions... lmao... anyways... i'm sorry to hear your Wish viewing experience wasn't good- it's cute that ttm was reading cookbooks on set tho LMAO

this ask is already nine hours long so i'll say i REALLy enjoyed wish. i already said so in my past post LOL but ill say it again in that i love crime stories, yet an aspect of crime stories that always get excluded or aren't as looked at in-depth is the family of those involved, whether they're the criminals or victims' parents. wish does a wonderful job at showing that off, and it was just a grand experience watching this family have to cope with all the bullshit goin on around them while simultaneously trying to figure out what happened to their son AND what's the right thing to believe.... was very epic to me....

[sflksjlksflksj]

personal diary

day 3 of remembering to write. things at home seem to be doing better. I tell my husband alot of whats on my mind when i am struggling and he always does his best to help me. He’s a huge workaholic. If he doesnt have work he is doing things around the house, doing yard work or helping me clean and upkeep the house. He only gets like at most 2 days off a week and his past 3 days off he has spent it mostly with me and just being there for me instead of doing stuff and it has helped me alot. Sometimes i need days where we are just cuddling and going with the flow. I think alot of my issues with newer/younger couples is that i feel like me and him will never have those same moments again and that makes me envious and feel like we arent soulmates. I know we are soulmates. i just lose myself in family life sometimes and need him to breathe fresh air into me so i can focus on myslef and not my surroundings. I hate his brother and i wish i didnt as much as i do. I hate him so much that seeing him be a 19 year old drop out isnt good enough for me. I hate that his mother got him a car. i hate that he has never held down a job longer than a few weeks. I hate that he dates around like crazy and brings these girls home for days to even weeks at a time. it feels like for me at least, me and his brother got the shit end of the stick when it comes to when we first started dating. His mother was always shaming us or critisizing us and we had jobs and were doing shit. But his brother is smoking weed and ditching school and she is buying him dinner everynight and...well at least thats how i feel. i know my feelings are exaggerated more than 86 percent of the time so i need to get over it. talking things out with my husband helps a load but it helps alot to write it down too and see how far ive matured and far ive come. I have kept multiple diarys before on laptops and computers but it was always private and i always lost them when i sold/broke the computers so itll be nice to have sometjhing thatll be online forever and i can look back on. i know i have matured alot but i also have gone downhill in some other aspects. for instance i have been drinking alot more, like 4-5 days out of the week i mix vodka into juice and drink like 7-10 cups. Not good at all. i have never gotten drunk and thats what started this drinking was that i wanted to get drunk once and it didnt work so every night ive been drinking here and there and now its becoming a destress thing and i hate it. i dont need alchohol but im feeling like i am starting down that road and i dont know how to stop exactly. Ill set out not to buy any and then ill just ask my husband to pick some up and he always is up for it. i dont know. when i drink i do care alot less about those thoughts in my head. I was able to acutally sit on the couch and talk and vibe with my mother in law while i was drunk. i know i am being stupid. my mother in laws ex husband was a alchohlic and i am sure she can see any signs of someone intoxicated. she hasnt said anything to me and we have been getting along great since then. i love my kids so much and i am so unhealthy currently. the worst i have ever been. and not only am i the fattest i have ever been but now i am drinking and i am so scared of now being able to do better. ive been talking for weeks about going on a diet but i have no fucking self control or discipline to do it and i hate so much how good i am at dissasociating with my problems. i hope i can get better with time man. i am hoping that as i grow and mature ill get some fucking self control. ive been able to reign myself in mentally sometimes when i find myself going off on unhealthy tangents in my head but again, it doesnt work for long and i always end up thinking the same way within minutes. i am going for a week to visit my dad and my step mum and let them see the boys and i am hoping there i can quit this drinking and possibly not binge eat shit and that can be my little taste of being the responsible adult i hope to be soon.

[kuleo26]

I love the soulmates au for daiya boys!!! Could you do a part 2 with the Inashiro boys (Mei, Shirkawa, Carlos, Itsuki)? Im kinda curious as to how they would find their soulmate

- :]

hi anon :)) i had started on a continuation of my soulmate au post, but i haven't thought of doing the inashiro boys! thanks for requesting <3

soulmate au's daiya characters would fit into pt. 2

including: narumiya mei, shirakawa katsuyuki, kamiya carlos toshiki, itsuki tadano

part 1 | part 3 | part 4

narumiya mei au: tattoo of the age you'll be when you meet your soulmate

when mei was younger, he was always mad that his tattoo age was so far away

it was only 23 (that big baby)

but now that he's been out of high school and college

and he's about to play for the nippon-ham fighters

really scares him

because he's now 23

lucky for him, the first game is on his 23rd birthday

he wasn't expecting to meet his soulmate anytime soon

since he had an entire year

but you were the opposite

it was the day before your 22nd birthday

and the number on your wrist said 21

so when you ran into him at the game

literally

you somehow knew it was him

─── · 。ﾟ���: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

shirakawa katsuyuki au: soulmates can feel each other's strong emotions

you were always an emotional person

and you knew when you finally meet your soulmate, you were going to apologize to them

because you always would have strong emotions

but in return, you wouldn't get much back

so you always felt bad

finding out shirakawa was your soulmate was an experience on its own

you literally had the fattest crush on him

so you couldn't ever approach him

but you went to all his games

and when they had beat seido to go to nationals

you had started balling out of joy

he did too LMAO

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

kamiya carlos toshiki au: soulmates share the same special accessory

at a certain age, everyone receives an item, whether it be a hat, necklace, etc

you received a bracelet

and wore it everywhere

one day narumiya approached you

which scared you because it usually meant he was going to irritate you

but instead he started talking about how he's seen that bracelet before

but he didn't know where from

great, thanks mei that helps a lot

a few days later, you were paired with carlos for a group project

and what do you know?

he's wearing the same bracelet as you

how anticlimactic lol

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

itsuki tadano au: red string of fate

the funny thing about the red string of fate is that close friends and family can see someone's red string

so when you had become friends with itsuki

your friends would always tease you

but you always thought it was because they knew that you've had a crush on him for the longest time

but then the baseball boys would start teasing the two of you when you guys would hang out together

so eventually you thought something was up

you had to ask your friends what was wrong

and they told you that you two were soulmates

you ended up slapping them because they didn't tell you before

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[earthnashes]

---Some character explorations of my girls Sakura and Evangeline! owo

These were done mainly for design tweaks to make them a little more updated and streamlined. I also explored their wardrobes a little bit since while I do have a main outfit, I would like for the characters to be able to change into something other than said main outfit. Speaking of, quick descriptions of the outfits and the characters themselves!

-For those of you who need a reminder or have never seen these two before, they’re from my OG project Feathers and Flowers! 

Sakura is the larger girl, sophomore in college with a full-ride scholarship from football; she’s one of the star players on her team. Outside of football, Sakura’s a huge nerd and loves all things video games, so much so she styled her hair after one of her favorite characters. Sakura’s personality as big as she is; loud, friendly, excitable, outgoing.

Evangeline is the thin one, same grade as Sakura though she’s a tiny bit older. She’s the heiress of her family’s company and is expected to work in the business immediately after graduating, something she secretly dreads. Despite her “resting bitch face”, Evangeline herself isn’t very confrontational. Intelligent, polite, punctual, surprisingly shy.

Sakura and Evangeline are roommates and despite their starting hiccups, they get along well. Eva has the fattest crush on Sakura B)

-CLOTHES NOTES:

-Sakura will wear just about anything she finds comfortable but her go-to are a pair of jeans and a tank top. She almost always wears jackets with her outfits, though whether or not they have sleeves is another beast entirely. Earthy colors permeate her wardrobe but green by far is her favorite color

-Evangeline will almost always wear muted colors, particular colors that lean to whites and blues. She has the habit of covering herself, so her outfits consistently have long-sleeved shirts and pants; rarely will you see her without clothing that covers her arms and legs

--

aaaand that’s all for now! Im falling asleep where I sit so I’ll add more when I’m more awake, but until then I hope ya’ll like the art and please feel more than free to ask any questions you may have! owo

[soleisbitxh]

my reasons why

`uhh warning for hating ethnic (?) features

1. puffy monolids are ugly af on me

2. having a fat face makes my already tiny eyes look smaller 

3. so i get more pale 

4. my entire face will get more defined 

5. its summer soon, so i dont need to suck in my stomach while swimming 

6. so i can feel confident in a swimsuit 

7. so i wont have any backfat showing when i wear a swimsuit 

8. so i can for once be the skinny sister 

9.. so ican be the skinny friend 

10. so my parents can stop making jokes about me being the fattest in the family 

11. so that people treat me better 

12. so my thighs wont stick to the chair in summer as much and make a really loud peeling sound when i stand up 

13. pretty long skinny fingers on bony hands with purple bruised knuckles, stacked with silver rings

14. i wont get weird looks when i say im going to go workout 

15. so my freckles will stand out more 

16.  “ugh, of course you’re getting the salad”

17. i would love to be the first person that people go to when looking for wl tips, and to make sure they werent going to deep 

18. smaller thinner nose tip 

19. to finally be able to wear thigh high socks 

20. to be able to wear longer socks period 

21. smaller ring size laskdnflrjgn

22. my classmates asking if i even eat 

23. being allowed and expected to eat less 

24. “yeah, i just cut down sugar” 

25. the feeling of being the skinniest in the room. seeing your weight drop on the scale. watching your thigh gap slowly grow and yourstomach get smaller and smaller. needing new clothes and belts. “wow, you really are skinny.”

[possum-rat]

King ophelia

is this nearly 2 months late? yes yes it is.

@king-ophelia 

“If i die im totally haunting your ass”

(Y/n) x C!Sam  Platonic

______________

Mentions of: death, blood,tommy’s prison arc 

There had always been a close Mentor and Student type of bond Between a certain droopy elf-eared green-tinted skinned man and a young kid around the age of 15-16? Some might even say that it was closer, more Father and child-like. So naturally when Awesamdude began distancing himself from everyone while making the prison (Y/n) felt a mixture of anger and slightly guilt. Guilt because it wasn't Sam’s duty to take care of them. Sam had simply shown them Human kindness, and (Y/n) not having many good encounters with people had clutched to the praise that Sam had given on the regular. (Y/n) had only felt angrier and angrier as time passed. Especially when Ponk had stumbled into their small dark oak cottage on the outskirts of what was Pogtopia. His red yellow and black mask burned beyond repair and holding what was left of his arm. Leaping up from the small couch situated in the middle of the small one-floor house (Y/n) turns their attention to Ponk. As they work feverishly whispering that it’ll be okay more to themselves than anything else. That day they realize that the Man that they had admired so much and had tried to please didn't care. ------ “Sam? I made something look!” (Y/n) says happily as they pull the prosthetic arm they had been working on for Ponk. “I'm busy (Y/n), Tommy needs help with something,” Sam states as he brushes past (Y/n) without a thought. “Of course. It’s always Tommy and tubbo this. Why don't you have a second of time for me?” (Y/n) mumbles dejectedly. Shoving the arm back into their bag they grumble annoyed. Eventually, they bump into Foolish. “(Y/n)! Didn't see you there! How are you?” he asks cheerfully crouching into a squat. “I made something for Ponk. I tried showing Sam but he was busy. As always.” They say quietly while fiddling with the hem of the bag. Foolish’s emerald eyes widen in interest. “You did? Can I see?” Nervously they pull a wooden base of an arm armor of the bag before turning their attention to Foolish, (Y/n) smiles shyly up at the man before gently placing the arm in his huge calloused hands. Foolish sits on the ground in front of (Y/n) and turns the arm silently, his jade eyes staring intently at the arm that’s a quarter -if that -the size of his hand. Growing more nervous and agitated at the lack of response (Y/n) a close mentor-student type of bond between Sam and (Y/n). If you were to look closer it might be called a Father/child type of bond. Maybe even Found Family. Always ever since (Y/n) had been younger. (Y/n) had always looked up to him, always trying to be just like him. Horror was the least they felt when Ponk- stumbled into (Y/n’s) small cottage. His arm was bloody in his other arm. His mask torn in places, his hood pulled up pasted his face. To cover the deep cuts. Dropping the book they had been reading: The Book thief, on the couch they spring up and run toward Ponk one line still ringing in their head. “I guess humans like to watch a little destruction. Sand castles, houses of cards, that's where they begin. Their great skill is their capacity to escalate.” The meaning of those words smacks (Y/n) like a truck. Just like how Sam had destroyed (Y/n’s) view on the world, Ruining the one last thing that kept (Y/n’s) view of the parental figure like a parent. It didn't help that (Y/n) was the youngest in the vast land of DreamSmp. Being 12 when they lost their first life jumping in front of Technoblade's fireworks that Schlatt had ordered him to fire at Tubbo. And 13 when they had lost their second life to a forest fire that Niki had started. Niki had apologized of course, but techno. You know how he is. ---- It had been a few weeks after Ponk’s visit, and (Y/n) had been wandering around looking for Sam for some input. Eventually finding him they tap his shoulder and present the Wood and golden ornate hand they had been making during the past 2 weeks. “Sam! Look!” They state excitedly. As they hold out the arm. “That's nice (Y/n). But I'm busy. I need to help Tommy with his hotel.” Sam says as he shrugs (Y/n) off brushing past them. Nodding slowly (Y/n) stands on the prime path before turning and shoving the arm into their bag before walking down the prime path with no particular idea. “Oh- sorry I didn't see you there-” A tall man with bright observant jade green eyes and golden shining olive skin gazes down wearing Egyptian royalty wear with gold, and emerald stitching along the hems of the shendyt. Shifting down he smiles down at (Y/n) his gold ornately patterned Wesekh with lapis emerald and Netherite hangs off his chest while he grins happily. Sharp shark-like teeth gleaming. “(Y/n) right?” he asks as he offers out a huge hand. “Y-Yeah. You're Foolish right?” the man nods causing (Y/n) to breath in deeply the scent of pine filling their nose. (Y/n) gazes at the ground while Foolish asks “May I see the arm you tried showing Sam?” nervously (Y/n) obliges. As Foolish sits on the ground examining the minuscule arm (Y/n) grows agitated at the lack of negative response- well any response. “Sorry- I know. It's stupid and it won't work-” they mutter quietly. “No, no-no. that’s not it at all. Im amazed at the level of detail on the fingers and the knuckles (Y/n).” --------- “Tommy? I can give a note to Dream so you don't have to see him.” (Y/n) states with an undertone of wanting to prove themselves. “No- You're too young-” he begins. “No.” They interrupt loudly. Tommy raises an eyebrow. (Y/n) never really questioned anybody's judgment, they merely followed without question. “I- uh. I want to help. Please.” they continue their voice growing quieter as the sudden jolt of courage dissolves into fear of rejection. Tommy nods a small smile on his face. “Sure. Only if you pinky promise you’ll be safe okay?” ------ As they reach the prison, the anger they had repressed for months begins bubbling up. In addition to anxiety. (Y/n) hadn't really interacted with Dream much. Only briefly when he needed somewhere to hide. And foolishly (Y/n) had let him. As they reach the other end of the portal Sam doesn't look up from the desk he’s sitting at. “Tommy. Kid. I have something for you to sign.” he says tiredly. As he places a book in front of (Y/n). “Read that out loud.” (Y/n) feels a twinge of anger at the nickname Sam had given Tommy. Sam had never taken the time to do that for (Y/n). Taking a deep breath they begin. “Page 1 I HEREBY ASSUME ALL OF THE RISKS OF VISITING THE HOLDING CELL, including by way of example and not limitation, any risks that may arise from negligence or carelessness on the part of the Prison guards, prisoners misbehaving, from dangerous or defective equipment”  (Y/n) read haltingly and slowly sounding out negligence. Sam suddenly glances up and sighs “(Y/n) why are you here. Tommy said he’d be here.” ignoring what sam had asked they continue rambling

“Page 2 or property owned, maintained, or controlled by the Prison Guards. I certify that I waive, release, and discharge the Prison from any and all liability, including but not limited to, death, disability, personal injury, property damage,” they glare at Sam and murmur “you did that to ponk. You hurt him.” they take another breath before continuing:

Page 3 property theft, or actions of any kind which may hereafter occur to me, including my traveling to and from visiting the Prisoner. Written name, then sign: (Y/n)” They sign it and slide the book toward Sam. “(Y/n). Why are you here.” they scoff annoyed and reply “Why else? I'm visiting Dream. I'm telling him something Tommy wanted me to say.” ------------- As (Y/n) reaches the platform they turn toward Sam and state. “Sam. If I die. Then I’m totally haunting your ass.” Sam sighs and retorts “You're not going to die. And stop talking. Face forward.” Nodding (Y/n) turns forward tears forming in their eyes. Gazing up at the ceiling (Y/n) lifts a hand pressing it against their eyes while mentally shouting at themself to not cry. Being in prison wasn't as bad as they thought. Dream seemed nice enough, so he made conversation. “So (Y/n) have you made anything new? I’ve heard that you like making things.” Dream says as he leans against the wall his tone curious. (Y/n) jumps at the opportunity of having someone showing genuine interest in what they enjoy. “Well- I’ve started reading Norse Myths. Those are cool- I also really like- I like uh building things. Like a few weeks ago I made a fake arm for ponk cuz Sam ripped him off.” They state excitedly. Dream nods his mask contorting into a small smile. “Wait-” Dream pauses his mask’s eyebrows contorting into a frown “Did you say Sam ripped off Ponks arm?” (Y/n) freezes the hairs on the back of their neck suddenly standing on end. They laugh awkwardly, alarms blaring internally “What- nooo that's preposterous. Why would Sam do that? I mean Sam loves Ponk.” they blabber nervously as they fiddle with their hands nervously. Suddenly there’s an ear-splitting boom. Causing (Y/n) to freeze in place. ------ About a week has passed since (Y/n) got trapped in the prison. (Y/n) eventually grew more nervous and twitchy whenever Dream so much as looked at them. On the 4th day, they had gotten a cat. (Y/n) had named the calico “Fat Ass” as he was one of the Fattest cats (Y/n) had seen. On the 8th day or so (Y/n) had been trapped Fat Ass had seemed to have enough with everything and committed unalive by walking into the lava. (Y/n) would never forget his pitiful yowls as he burned alive. The ninth day (Y/n) began growing desperate Screaming at the lava for hours on end until their throat grew dry or Dream had yanked them up and tossed them across the small room. As he yelled “(Y/N) SAM DOESN'T CARE. HE’S GOING TO LEAVE YOU HERE TO FUCKING ROT. WHY WON'T THAT GET THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD.” (Y/n) grew silent at that. Playing with the orangy drawstrings of their hoodie. “Okay.” (Y/n) whispers in defeat. “You win. Just stop yelling at me please.” Dream scoffs bending closer to (Y/n) grabbing the collar of their Hoodie. “(Y/n). You're pathetic. I could kill you right now and revive you because I'm bored. I could do that for hours and Sam wouldn't move a damned muscle.” (Y/n’s) (e/c) eyes widen in fear as they whisper “Your lying.” gulping they rasp “You wouldn't. You don't have it in you-” Dream grins. “(Y/n), I’m a GOD.” He Lifts a clenched fist before sending it into their gut. “I can do this as much as I want and you can't do anything about it.” He sends blow after blow. And as he bends closer to (Y/n). They take the chance and grip his ears tightly. Before screaming as loud as they could. “SAM-” As Dream sends another punch to their gut (Y/n) pulls down hard on the ear. Dream squeezes his hands around (Y/n’s) throat. “SAM PLEASE HELP. DAD-” they wail as they kick trying to escape Dream’s grasp as air begins to be a long-lost luxury. ���Aw- Are you calling for daddy? He won't come (Y/n). He’s busy.” Those last words are the final words (Y/n) here before everything doubles and shifts into kaleidoscopic colors and shapes, and they take one last half-hearted breath.

(Y/n) wakes up in a calm place. Everything is so...peaceful...weirdly so. As they spin in a circle they see a playground. The cool midnight breeze ruffling (Y/n’s) hair as they skip toward the structure. Not thinking twice (Y/n) sits on one of the swings and begins to kick off. The rocking mixed with the cool breeze of the night and footsteps- wait why were their footsteps… Jumping from the swing at the top of its arch (Y/n) comes crashing down to earth. Wincing at the feeling of their body slamming against the ground. “Hello?” (Y/n) asks quietly. “Dear? Oh my- oh you were so young- Come here let’s have a little chat you and i.” a feminine voice says. (Y/n) tenses up and replies “Can- Could I stay here? On the swings I mean? I- I don't really know- I’m a little scared here- Where am-” the feminine figure comes into sight wearing a flattering simple black dress that throws her elegant features into greater depth. “Oh Honey, Do whatever makes you comfortable okay? You're in well that's hard to explain. But to put it simply, you're dead. I guess this Empty park is yours- what did My husband's son call it? Limbo? You're stuck here while we talk.” (Y/n) freezes tears forming as they sit in front of the woman. “No- I cant- Sam saved- I’m just- I'm dreaming right?” they whimper as they clutch the soft material of their sweatshirt. “Sam- He was- He saved me and I'm just having a nightmare.” (Y/n) whispers to themselves as they rock back and forth. “Here Honey let me help you. You have a bad cut and I don't want it to get infected.” (Y/n) nods slowly and as the gentle touch of the woman’s hand grazes their cheek (Y/n) jerks awake with a start. ------------------------- There had been an alarm. Luckily Sam had been in the prison at the time. As the automated voice says calmly “The Prisoner is displaying violent acts toward the visitor.” Sam’s blood runs cold. “(Y/n)” he gasps as he sprints through a special tunnel he had created in case of an event like this. As he waits for the lava to drain he regrets ignoring (Y/n). As the lava finally drains he can see Dream leaning against a wall, a hand covering his left ear as bloodstains it. While (Y/n) seems to be asleep at his feet. That doesn't help his fears. “Dream. What the hell did you do?” Sam asks quietly as he reaches the halfway point of his destination. Dream turns slowly before reaching down to (Y/n’s) head and turning it where it’s on full display for Sam to see. Bloody, and 2 giant purple hands print upon their throat. Sam Backs up disgust filling his brain. “They wouldn't stop yelling for you. I got annoyed.” dream states simply. Sam backs away in disgust as he crouches down and hoists (Y/n) up. “Sam- D’you know they kept begging for mercy. They shouted and I quote“Sam Please help. Dad” Dream’s tone is mocking as he stretches. “Obviously you failed them as a parent. When they first came in they were so eager to have someone listen to them for once instead of being bossed around.” Dream laughs. “They tried so hard to make you happy or to be proud of them. (Y/n) felt so neglected that they were genuinely excited when me- a prisoner showed interest. That says a lot about them doesn't it Sam.” Sam stares at the floor, his heart beating faster and faster. “Sam- I heard what they said to you before they came in here.” As Sam steps back onto the floating bridge he set’s (Y/n’s) body down and backs up his hands rubbing his face as the Lava begins to return to place. Sam leans on the wall a few feet from the lava covering the entrance of Dream’s holding cell. ----- Phantom(N/n). That's the only thing the ghost remembers. The only name apart from Awesamdude. Phantom(N/N) is pretty sure that Awesamdude isn't their name.  Standing in a small purplish room, where two unfamiliar men stand one cowering under another man with a scar running down his face making his eye white. Tensing up Phantom(N/n) backs up and crutches into a small ball trying to stay out of view. But they were spotted. The man with the scar crutches in front of Phantom(N/n) and smiles offering out a reddish hand. Phantom(N/n) gazes up at him before taking it nervously and avoiding the gaze of the man wearing green while Alive(Y/n)’s voice murmurs to stay away from Dream. The man with the scar has warm hands Phantom(N/n) notices. Glancing up Phantom(N/n) smiles up at the man, as he gently guides the two of them across the bridge. As they reach the other end Phantom(N/n) lets go of the man's hand, noticing then that he has Light brownish feathers coming from the side of his head along with wings coming from his back with dark shiny greens and other colors. “(Y/n)?” he asks as he places his hands on each side of their shoulders. Phantom(N/n) frowns before saying “Oh you're talking about Alive(Y/n), I’m Phantom(N/n)” they smile up at him taking in his injury. Gently raising their hand Phantom(N/n) places a finger on the man’s cheek while frowning. “Does it hurt?” Phantom(N/n) asks their head tilting in concern. Phantom(N/n) removes their hand from his slightly rough scar before turning when a set of footsteps grow louder. As they turn Phantom(N/n) fiddles with the orange drawstrings while they gaze at the shiny slightly refective Blackstone floor. Lowering themself Phantom(N/n) sits on the floor tracing the cool stone tile as the two people talk in hushed hurried tones. Before the man with duck-like feathers suddenly erupts “SAM- THIS IS A CHANCE FOR YOU TO TRY TO REPAIR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH (Y/N).” The other man Sam retorts his voice shaking “Quackity. (Y/n’s) dea-” Phantom(N/n) looks up at those words. As their eyes meet Sam’s they flick their gaze back to the floor. “I’m not (Y/n). I’m Phantom(N/n).” Phantom(N/n) murmurs quietly while Quackity and Sam continue to argue. As their shouting becomes louder and louder Phantom(N/n) stands up and tries to find an exit. Finding a passageway probably for employees Phantom(N/n) walks through pressing a hand to the wall as they skip through the cold narrow halls. The cool rush of air a pleasant change in contrast to the hot sticky-stale air of the prison cell. The yelling growing fainter Phantom(N/n) feels a breath of air go. On they didn't realize they were holding in. Reaching into their pocket Phantom(N/n) pulls out a soft Bunny. One with orange wool, and a small carrot attached with a thin string. Holding it in their hands Phantom(N/n) stares at it a small smile spreading on their face. An expression of confusion replaces the small smile before the grin returns.“ You’ll be...uh...Your...Pluto. Yeah, you’ll be Pluto.” One of pluto’s shiny black eyes catches the light of something and Phantom(N/n) stiffens as they gaze forward. Slowly turning around Sam stands their Axe in hand. Tensing up Phantom(N/n) says with a huff.“That’s not nice. You shouldn’t point pointy sharp things at people. Someone could get hurt.” Sam frowns before crouching infront of Phantom(N/n) and placing the axe somewhere in his inventory. Smiling in approval Phantom(N/n) shrugs their jacket higher on their shoulder before jumping toward Sam. “Who are the rings for? You and Mr.Quackity both had 2 each. Are you married to two people? Do I get 2 more dads?” The questions roll of Phantom(N/n’s) tongue fast. Sam stands up resting Phantom(N/n) on his hip his left arm securing them to his body. Sam hesitates before nodding. “Yeah.- yeah you do. Do you want to meet them?” the two people walk through the same hall that Phantom(N/n) had walked through. “Mr.Quackity? Who are you married to? Isn’t it the man with the swirly pattern and the other man with the headband?” Quackity nods slowly before muttering. “Something like that. They forgot about me.” Phantom(N/n) doesn't seem to like this information. Squirming in Sam’s grasp Sam gently places them down before they grab Quackity’s hand and smiling up at him “Well We’ll go make them unforget! Come one!” They state firmly as if there were no room for criticism.

[souvcniir]

*   bopping  along  to  forever  by  drake  is  𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐑 𝐒𝐀𝐋𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐑  ,  the  twenty  two  year  old  cis  man  thrown  back  to  their  business  days  with  none  of  his   memories  .  voted  most  likely  to  move  out  the  country  ,  alis  was  known  for  being   resilient &   facetious ,  go  figures  you'd  always  find  them  being  threatened  to  be  kicked  off  of  the  football  team  ,  but  grew  up  to  be   audacious &  untrusting  .

what’s  happening  cuties  !   listen  ,  i  cannot  join  a  group  without  giving  the  fattest  and  biggest  warning  that  despite  being  in  the  rpc  for  a  minute  now  ,   i  still  suck  at  introductions  .  embarrassing  luv  ,  i  know  asdj  .  i’m  gi(anna)  ,  i’m  nineteen  years  old  ( a  big  old  baby   )  ,  i  go  by  she  and  her  pronouns  and  i  currently  live  on  the  east  coast  which  throws  me  in  the  est  timezone  !!!  this  is  one  out  of  two  of  my  children  that  i’ll  be  bringing  you  ,   and  um  can  i  just  say  im  obsessed  with  the  fc  pairing  i  got  going  on  for  alistair  .  aron  piper  and   giuseppe  maggio  ?   this  is  what  heaven  is   asdfgh  .    down  below  you’ll  find  a  little  about  alistair  !  and  if  you  want  to  plot  you  can  either  smash  the  heart  button  ,  send  me  a  message  ,  or  message  me  on  discord  at  𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐛𝐮𝐝𝐝𝐲#1776  .

*   𝐎𝐍𝐄                          𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒  .

a   black   eye   in   response   of   words   of   provokement   ,   lonely   nights   concealed   by   random   bodies   ,   gold   rings   sitting   on   bruised   knuckles   ,   calloused   digits   shielding   a   bright   sun   from   bloodshot   eyes   ,   distant   chatter   drowned   out   by   loud   thoughts   ,    salty  drops   gleaming   on   tan   skin   ,   enchanting   pearly   whites   ,   thunderstorms   singing   pretty   hues   to   sleep     .

*   𝐓𝐖𝐎                          𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒 .

full   name.   alistair  aurelius  salazar  .   nickname(s).    alis  ,  ali  .   preferred   name.   alistair  .   past  age.   twenty  two  .   present  age.   thirty  two  .   date  of  birth.   november  first  .  zodiac.  scorpio  . gender.    cis  man .   pronouns.   he  and  him  .   sexuality.  pansexual  .   younger  faceclaim.   aron  piper  .   older  faceclaim.   giuseppe  maggio   .   character  inspiration.    hardin  scott  ,   niccolo  govender  rossi  ,  lip  gallagher  ,  and   bellamy  blake  .

*   𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄                          𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐒  .

(   physical  abuse  ,  slightly  detailed     )

    sorrows  and  raindrops     ,   remnants  of  a  first  breath  that  established  the  tone  of  the  upbringing  of  curly  locks  and  pearly  whites  that  never  flashed  for  too  long  .      he  was  a  prisoner  in  a  punishment  meant  for  another  .   he  was  a  prisoner  to  rage  .

   he’s  made  up  of  pleads  ,   and  sobs  that  still  haunt  his  childhood   .   neglected  of  forehead  kisses  and  bedtime  stories   ,  gifted  fists  against  previously  bruised  flesh  in  substitution  .    black  and  blue  decorating  his  body  so  frequency  that  for  a  while  he  forgot  what  he  looked  like  without  them  .   

   one  night  ,  he   held  his  broken  arm  in  his  lap  and  begged  her  to  tell  him  why  ,  why  did  she  hate  him  so  much  ?    she  never  answered  ,   didn’t  even  move  a  muscle  .   left  her  seven  year  old  child  to  pull  himself  off  of  the  floor  and  out  the  door  .  that  was  his  last  memory  of  her  .

    left  in  the  care  of  the  foster  system    and  a  year  later  was  put  into  the  custody of  a  man  who  was  suppose  to  be  his  father  .   a  politician  who  had  cared  more  about  his  image  then  his  own  blood  eight  years  earlier  .   not  an  excuse  ,  his  father  would  learn  that  with  the  help  of  guilt  eating  him  from  the  inside  out  .  did  everything  he  could  think  of  to  make  it  up  ,    not  an  easy  challenge  .  

*   𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑                         𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 .

walked  hand  in  hand  with  being  difficult  .      labeled  the  broken  bird  .  the  dirt  bag  .   found  traces  of  himself  in  chaos  and  so  he  became  it  .    a  smart  boy  drowning  in  a  hurt  he  had  not  fully  recovered  from  .    got  better  as  the  years  went  ,   and  twenty  two  was  his  golden  years  of  doing  his  very  best  to  not  self  destruction  .  

kept  himself  busy  ,  but  that  does  not  mean  he  kept  himself  out  of  trouble  .  a  smart  boy  who  had  the  ability  to  stumble  into  class  with  black  rims  covering  regrets  from  the  previous  night  .   cannabis  was  the  best  form  of  therapy  and  getting  blacked  out  on  weekdays  was  his  favorite  sin  .   

careless  and  impulsive  ,  everyone’s  favorite  partner  in  crime  .  bruised  knuckles  and  a  fat  lip  were  the  consequence  of  a  insolent  mouth  that  never  knew  when  to  stop  .   smiled  with  blood  dripping  from  his  mouth  and  returned  to  his  dorm  with  bruised  knuckles  ,  now  he  remembered  what  he  looked  like  .    

charming  words  and  wandering  hands  might’ve  fooled  you  ,  but  commitment  for  him  was  unreachable  .   he  was  stuck  in  the  mindset  that  he  was  too  fucked  up  for  someone  to  love  him  and  it  showed  in  every  relationship  he  had  ever  had  .   he  was  the  heartbreaker  ,  or  more  so  the  cold  hearted  .  used  others  to  silence  the  demons  in  his  head  and  left  before  the  sun  crept  through  curtains  .  

*   𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄                         𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓  .

ten  years  formed  a  new  label  ,  the  phoenix  .   the  businessman  .    moved  around  until  he  settled  in   san  francisco  where  he  soon  opened  up  a  bar  with  his  business  partner  .   successful  ,  finally  funded  his  own  life  with  money  that  he  earned  .  but  there  was  more  to  him  then  just  expensive  cars  and  days  being  referred  to  as  boss  . 

healed  in  more  ways  then  he  had  been  ten  years  ago  ,  thanks  to  the  help  of  actual  therapy  (  though  cannabis   was  still  a  friend  )   .   greatest  achievement  was  finding  forgiveness  in  his  heart  for  his  father  and  building  a  normal  son  -  father  relationship  .    

decided  early  he  didn’t  want  kids  and  instead  adopted  a  pitbull  named  kyson  .   his  best  friend  and  as  those  around  him  joke  ,  his  son  .   is  his  background  a  picture  of  him  and  his  dog  ,  yes  .  mind  your  business  .

now  a  known  playboy  ,  though  most  aren’t  surprised  .  says  he’s  too  busy  for  relationships  but  it’s  just  the  fact  that  some  things  never  change  and  commitment  was  still  a  scary  thing  .  

recently  ,  as  in  the  last  three  years  ,  moved  to  riccione  ,  where  he  opened  up  his  fourth  bar  .   lives  in  a  house  on  the  beach  and  only  returns  home  every  few  months  (  plus  the  holidays  )  .  has  become  a  big  beach  bum  ,  but  he  likes  the  environment  .  does  the  whole  beach  life  activities  too  ,  the  hiking  and  the  surfing  (  though  he’s  not  very  good  )   .  

no  longer  a  fighter  ,  and  instead  is  the  one  breaking  them  up  .   realized  there  was  one  thing  he  never  wanted  to  be  ,  his  mother  ,  and  so  he’d  never  resort  to  using  his  fist  unless  in  the  act  of  defense  and  even  then  he’s  had  a  good  job  of  walking  away  .  

*   𝐒𝐈𝐗                         𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓  𝐈𝐍  𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓   .

back  to  square  one  .  no  memories  of  who  he  grew  up  to  be  ,  just  the  old  feeling  of  anger  and  hurt  .   sad  to  see  his  process  thrown  out  the  window  ,  his  healing  cracked  open  .  the  biggest  question  ,  is  will  he  get  to  his  end  point  once  again  or  will  a  second  chance  be  his  downfall  ?

*   𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍                          𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐒  .

has  always  taken  very  good  care  of  himself  in  the  sense  of   what  he  puts  into  his  body  ,  even  in  college  he  paid  important  attention  to  diet  and  exercise  .  

doesn’t  speak  of  his  mother  ,  or  at  least  he  didn’t  .  you  asked  a  question  and  got  silence  in  return  .  most  never  actually  knew  what  the  first  seven  years  of  his  life  was  ,  which  left  many  in  shock  when  he  finally  decided  to  open  up  about  it  .

he  doesn’t  like  nicknames  and  prefers  to  be  called  just  alistair  ,  though  some  people  do  get  a  pass  ,  even  if  that  pass  comes  with  a  hard  look  .

his  drink  of  choice  is  bourbon  but  he  hasn’t  been  a  bigger  drinker  since  his  college  days  ...  his  friends  would  joke  it’s  because  he  overdid  it  too  many  times  in  his  younger  years  . 

*  𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓                          𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒  .

*   these  are  simply  just  ideas  to  give  us  something  to  start  with  ,  i  am  open  to  anything  that  is  not  mentioned  as  well  am  completely  and  totally  okay  with  switching  things  around  and  adding  things  to  these  ideas !!!  i  love  plotting  and  bouncing ideas  off  of  each  other  so  don’t  be  afraid  to  stray !

                    YOU’RE  BAD  FOR  MY  HEALTH  ,  YEAH  YOU  SHOULD  HURT  SOMEBODY  ELSE  (  PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN    )  .    he  was  bad  for  their  health    ,   a  rollercoaster  that  consisted  of  too  many  downs  .  toxic  ?  yes  .  in  love  ?  in  denial  .  but  whatever  was  between  these  two  ,  it  kept  them  at  each  others  throats  and  in  each  other  bed  .   this  was  not  the  one  who  got  away  ,  it  was  the  one  he  needed  to  stay  away  from  . 

                   WILL  HE  ALWAYS  BE  MINE  ?   ( PRESENT  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    his  first  adult  relationship  ,  and  like  alistair  himself  it  was  not  always  easy  .  long  nights  ,  busy  days  ,  sometimes  this  relationship  felt  like  it  was  set  up  to  fail  ..  and  then  they  got  their  moments  where  butterflies  flapped  their  wings  and  rose  spreaded  to  cheeks  and  it  really  seemed  like  it  would  work  ...  but   good  moments  ,  they  come  and  go  and  this  relationship  leaves  the  other  thinking  how  long  they  might  have  alistair  . 

                  I  GOT  A  BAD  IDEA  ( PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    he  looked  to  his  left  and  saw  them  ,  and  when  he   looked  in  front  of  him  he  saw  the  bars  and  regrets  forming  .   these  two  were  a  duo  that  wreaked  havoc   ,  being  around  them  meant  cop  sirens  and  bad  decisions  .  these  two  were  ,  what  do  they  say  ?  young  and  dumb  .

                  WHOLE  SQUAD  MOBBIN  EVEN  THOUGH  WE  ONLY  SIX  DEEP  ( PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    his  best  buddies  (  that  i  manage  are  still  apart  of  his  life  in  present  time  )  made  up  of  two  to  three  others  .  they  are  his  people  ,  his  picked  family  .   

                I  SWEAR  IF  I  EVER  LEFT  YOU  IN  THE  COLD  ,  IT’S  CAUSE  IT  WAS  COLDER  INSIDE   (  PRESENT  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   )  .   a  old  friend  who’s  no  longer  that  ,  a  friend  .  i  picture  this  to  be  more  complicated  then  what  it  seems  ,  but  picture  these  two  going  from  being  attached  at  the  hip  to  not  speaking  to  one  another  .

                  CAN  YOU  IMAGINE  ?   ( PAST  CONNECTION  ┋  OPEN   ) .    that  one  person  who  badly  wanted  something  more  from  alistair  and  got  exactly  the  opposite  .   lovers  in  the  way  of  intimacy  but  one  sided  emotionally  .  

[sergle]

hey sara, if you dont wanna answer this its fine, but im gonna ask anyway, im almost 20, supposedly the height of my youth or whatever and... im the fattest ive ever been, i know that weight =/= worth, but im having a Very Hard Time coping with it, how can i help myself through that?

i don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be upset first of all- a lot of people think that being Body Posi means never ever having negative thoughts about yourself, but we can’t all be confident all the time, so don’t Feel Bad For Feeling Bad Sometimes.also worth mentioning: 19/20 is NOT the height of your youth, most folks’ lives don’t start falling into place until their 30s/40s!!!!!!! nobody expects you to have your identity/confidence/life figured out when you turn 20.I think trying to feel good about yourself is a personal thing and it’s going to be diff for you than it was for me. So these are things that I’ve done, and things that I try to think.- making self portraits helped me during a period of weight gain, to see my body for exactly how it looks. taking reference photos of myself and drawing them as accurately as i could so that if i LIKED the way the portrait looked, i couldn’t say “but that’s not what I actually look like, though”- as someone with on-and-off eating disorders for many years, being persistent about reminding myself that Everyone Has To Eat To Live. that Not Eating has only, and would only, make my life worse.- working my hardest to place myself around depictions of fat people. that means following artists who ARE fat/plus sized, seeing their art every day. this is especially important if you are a member of a friend group where everyone is thinner than you. the art helps.- exercising for any other reason than to lose weight. a lot of fat people have a complicated relationship with workouts. tunnel vision can happen and you can over-exercise bc you want so badly to become thin, or become more muscular, and exercise turns into a lens for self harm. i have experience in this.exercise for a sense of routine (on tuesdays and fridays we go to the gym, on wednesdays we wear pink), taking outdoor walks so that you can Look At Nature, doing yoga for a little flexibility and to center yourself. any reason works.- i despised the way my body looked 3 years ago, even though old pictures of me look great to me now. 5 years ago, i despised the way my body looked, even though 3 years later i would wish i still looked like that. and so on, and so forth. sometimes i think about how, if i’d just enjoy what i look like WHILE I LOOK LIKE IT, that’d solve some problems. maybe in 3 years i’ll see pictures of myself in 2020 and say Damn, That Bitch Hot. - this is the hardest one. if you have friends (skinny or not!) who talk about weight and your body in a way that makes you feel shitty, or shit talk OTHER fat people and pretend like you’re not included in that group, put them on blast. just dump them if you have to. this constant, slow-burn negativity does nightmarish things to your self esteem. this includes thinner people who say “i’m so fat, i’m so fat, look at my tummy that’s 10 times smaller than yours”. it’s garbage.if you have family who make you feel bad about yourself, that might not be something you can control. but you CAN control who you’re friends with.and finally: if you’re plus sized, a positivity message of “i’m fat and i’m SEXY” isn’t going to cut it. it’s GOOD to feel sexy, but here’s a small reminder for all of us: you don’t have to be sexy. it isn’t the price you pay to have permission to be fat. you can just exist.

[notpumpkiin]

Beans story is sad. I got her at like 3 weeks or so in December of 2011 outside of a derby and the girl (who's currently a meth addict) who tried to give bean away said she was the runt of the litter and her mom refused to feed her so she was trying to give away this kitten to someone who knew what they were doing. And with me having like 6 cats at the time thought why not one more. I bottle fed her warm cows milk until we could take her to the vet the next day.

Note: beans eyes could barely open at this point.

I was at school when my mom took bean into the vet and he said there's nothing he could do for her, and it'd be best to euthanize the kitten because she's too young to be away from her mother, being at roughly 3 weeks or so, and my mom cried so hard the vet offered a different solution. He prescribed her specialized wet food packed full of nutrients, and stuff to put inside milk to help with digestion.

Everyone in the family decided to put it on me to be the one to take care of bean in full. I had to feed her every 2-4 hours, including waking up at night to do so (I wouldn't sleep for weeks at a time so it was whatever). And oh my god was she sick. She was like a paper thin Victorian child with dust for bones. She quickly learned how to use a litter box but due to how sick she was it didn't matter because she'd get covered in her own filth anyway, and I had to clean her with cut up rags to encourage her to clean herself (and now she's never not cleaning herself).

She was severely sick for months from what I remember, but one day she just seemed to have suddenly gotten better. She finally started playing, she started passing more solid poops, and as she grew I mixed in dry food with her wet food and she was so excited to have a variety ahsjfkfk.

Then my parents kicked her out of the house because she was in heat constantly and her yeowling would wake up the whole house. So she had kittens about 2 months later, and I named all her kittens after various types of beans ahsjffl. Unfortunately only one is left alive and her owner renamed her Claire, and she's extremely agoraphobic with a severe skin condition and a crook in her tail. But she's a color point siamese, which was surprising considering bean is a tortoise shell tabby.

After that my parents, now upset that there's 5 kittens that now need spayed instead of one, decided to lock them all together in a tall cage that would fit 2 cats pet step in that thing. It was like that for about one agonozing month until I forced their hand to get them fixed by personally going out and finding an office that would spay cats for around $25 each.

They all hid in my room while they healed from surgery and they were all loud like her mom. One day I came home from school to find them all outside and my parents being all like "well look at how happy they are :) they're loving it" and me still being under their influence of them and freshly being a 18 year old teenager and not knowing better I was like "haha ok but bring them in at night and during winter" and that never happened. When I would get upset that they're not doing what I asked they'd pull the whole "my house my rules" thing.

Slowly all my cats (even ones I haven't mentioned) started disappearing, whether it being my brother shooting them or they just never came back home again from wandering out into the woods nearby.

Bean also had a flame point boy named vanilla (but everyone called him little boy) and he was the sweetest cat. He also had a crook in his tail, but he was the fattest and happiest thing I've ever seen. He looked exactly like Mr j here on Tumblr, and I like to pretend that that's him living his best life.

After I moved out I couldn't bring any of my cats with me, which broke me a little. It hurt knowing there wasn't much I could do to help my cats besides boss my parents into trying to take care of them while I visited every weekend to check up on them.

In 2015 I was able to bring todd into a new apartment I had gotten in Branson instead of springfield, and I had him there for about a year before my grand breakdown and I had to move back in with my parents and eventually into one of my sisters houses where I left todd for about a year and a half in 2016-2017 because I wanted to find myself in Utah. I wanted to take him with me, but my other sister who lived in Utah (if you wanna block her hmu) didn't allow animals in the house. So I figured when I get a place of my own I'll have them drive him to me.

We all know how utah turned out.

I finally got todd back in 2018, lost him this year, and now im back with saving my last surviving cat.

There's so much regret, there's so much pain and anger I have left inside me, and I wish I could have done something more to help keep all my cats safe, but my situation made it impossible, and I couldn't ask for help online without getting into sex work.

But bean is here, bean is safe now, and I hope I have at least another good 5 years with her.

[svetlanabelikova]

Journaling (I)

content warning for the following:

self hatred

fat shaming

talk of surgery

topic of weight loss

i supposed this is my commencement post of my “journaling” series. i know that isn’t really a word but in art, anything can be a word or phrase if you put the meaning into it. i debated if i wanted to start another sideblog for this-- but i already have like,,, 7 or 8 at this point. adding another is too much of a hassle. I remember back in like 2008 or so i made an attempt at one of these on my old personal livejournal-- yeah i had one of those, with pictures and everything but i just ended up hating it and trying to delete everything after a couple weeks to hide from it. i’m sure google still has the photos somewhere. so, why am i doing this? what is this about? it feels embarrassing to even say it but i’m doing it because i need to. on monday (9.16.19) i attended something called a “shared decision making class”. which i literally didn’t know what it was until the presenter started up the giant tv screen and it was the first slide in her presentation. what was the decision, you hopefully are asking, well it was on what weight loss programs were available and which we would like to pursue. i am fat. that’s not like a dig at myself-- thought im sure i’ll make a few of those before this post is done. it is a fact. i am fat. no, im not just fat, i’m what the kids call ‘morbidly obese’. on the body mass index or BMI (which i know is not a very scientific look at one’s stature and actual weight to fat ratio but it is the easiest to calculate quickly), there are 4 categories: normal, overweight, obese and extremely obese.  you find your place in these categories by cross-referencing your weight and your height. very messy but simple. i am about 40ish pounds over the ‘extremely obese’ category for my height.  which feels fucking disgusting to say and i hate myself a little more every time i allow myself to really think about that.  but it is still a fact. at one point while living pretty much alone, i was able to get back down to the border between extreme and garden verity obese, but after moving back in with my parents, i sailed on from those clear waters out into the storm. in the class we were told there was several different paths to choose from: behavioral support (i.e. a food anonymous group meeting once a week), a meal replacement program, medically induced starvation or surgery. each one will allow you to lose a percentage of your body fat. 10%, 15%, 25% and 40% respectively. i need to lose about 70%. i am more fat than me.  that idea came to me late last year.  i am more fat than i am me. for a long time i felt like i was carrying around an extra person. like i had this whole other being, another me, that was just dead weight. she only woke up when i was naked and i hid when i looked in the mirror, the rest of the time she wrapped herself around me, arms and legs tangled around my hips and thighs. but then, it hit me one night while i was in the shower:  i am more fat than i am me. this isn’t another person. this isn’t someone i am equal to. this is something that is smothering me. it isn’t a she that i am cursed to care for, it is an infection. a blight on my body. in my body. something that has slipped in years ago and germinated.  i’ve always been fat. i see pictures of myself when i was 5 and i was already chunky. one of the few early memories i still have is trying to find new clothes before i started 6th grade. i had to shop in the adults section. i was 11 years old and was wearing the biggest clothes in the adult section. it wasn’t even like i could just shop in the small adults or anything, no i had to go to the very end of every rack in the adults’ section of the clothing store. by time i was in high school, i could only get clothes in plus size stores.  i was the 3rd fattest kid in my entire high school. there was one guy and one girl that were bigger than me. that’s it. in a school of nearly 4,000 students, i was 1 out of 3 of the fattest people, including teachers. when people talk about how much they hated school there are few ways to hate yourself more than being the third fattest kid in school and having to buy the biggest shirt available in the school store for physical ed. class and it still being about 2 sizes too small. i literally failed freshman year p.e. because i was too embarrassed to even go into the locker room. and before that, in 7th and 8th grade, we did swimming in p.e. i hated it beyond words. 7th grade i still had some of that childhood ignorance not to notice that everyone was laughing at me, but by 8th grade, i knew. we were allowed 5 days out of the entire month to not get in the pool to swim and i took all those and more.  i’ve always been fat, but i’ve been fat in a family full of fat people. i was still one of the biggest people in my family, but i had 1 cousin that was bigger than me. well, about 7 months ago, she got weight loss surgery. i saw her for the first time in mid july and... i am no longer the second fattest person in the family. i wear the crown for prize heifer.  this surgery is horrifying to me. it is cosmic horror level scary to me. it is reshaping the human body to become wholly unrecognizable. it is permanently altering the natural dynamic of the human body into something constructed, something a mad scientist with a love of anatomy and no humanity would conceive. and even that won’t be enough. the surgery alone will only lower my BMI by 40% over 1-3 yr.s and i need to lose 70%.  i try to focus on the pure numbers alone.  surgery                   -40% group therapy         -10% meal replacement   -15% total                         -55% that still isn’t enough. that would still leave me floating around the middle of the obese category of the BMI. and i know physical activity isn’t entirely factored in here but i have a messed up knee from an injury i got as a kid and bad ankles and feet from carrying around all this fat for a quarter of a century. i need to lose as much weight as possible to get enough stress off my back and legs and internal organs to be able to add in a physical activity routine. when i was in my early 20s i used to work out every night. i would put my headphones in and just dance hard to rave music for an hour or go walking around my neighborhood for awhile, but the body wears down fast and i just physically can’t do that anymore.  there is also the mental side of this. the idea that i will try to do all this and just utterly fucking fail. that i waste time, money and resources. but that will have to be for another post.  today i have another appointment with my case assigned nurse. she is going to weigh me and then probably talk to me brutally and honestly. she works in a hospital that treats nothing but fat people so nothing about me will be unique or out of the ordinary for her, other than maybe my fun combination of gall bladder issues, lactose intolerance, tonsil stones and chronic migraines/headaches. they are all fun road blocks that have stood in my way for years so i’m sure she will have a whale of a time (no pun intended) trying to navigate this path with me. she is going to talk to me about meal replacement, which i am not siked about. i spent all yesterday drinking shakes that tasted like a bottle of tylenol blended with water and strawberry milk powder or eating puffed rice bars that were not awful but not really good either. the soup was just, bad. no matter how many spices i put in it i couldn’t get it to stop tasting like an entire handful of crayola chalk dissolved in water near a can of chicken soup.  those will be fun ways to describe the “food” to her today, lamo. i hope she’s got a sense of humor. 

[aqcuamarine]

How are you feeling at this moment?

not that good honestly.

im kinda sad. i just argued with my family since they're making me feel the fattest & ugliest person on this earth

soo, i kinda started thinking that im unlovable. yeah it sucks.

how bout u anon?? x

thank u so much for asking tho!!! i really appreciate this