#but honestly its mostly for myself to put out there

[irlkanamedate]

Trying this again and again with multiple attempts deleted and gone forever all cause i can not put together the words in a way that makes sense or is, in my eyes, remotely understandable. but maybe i shouldnt try to put everything together in a neat manner.

nothing i struggle with is neat or pretty or even comprehendable to people who dont struggle with this. and maybe i just want someone to at least acknowlage this. to just be heard. that and just get shit outta my head too.

From here on out there is just a general content warning for many very heavy topics and unsavoury mentions. Very serious warning.

i also dont want pity or for anyone to go im sorry. or for anyone to tell me how strong i am. i actually detest a lot of that a lot.

Anyway. My name is Aspen. I find it hard to exist. There is something deeply wrong with me i think. a lot just being speculation. Autism, DID, Psychotic disorder, EDS, being *Severely* suicidal. and probably more speculations. but nothing can be confirmed mostly cause im poor as fucking shit and america is a fucking joke and im a visiably asian queer guy living in fucking texas.

I technically was raised good i guess though verbal and phsyical abuse really fucked me up. among another form i dont really want to mention. then just struggling with simply existing. i felt ive always been noted to have something wrong with me since young (not that i can really remember much actually).

I struggled with school, making friends, understanding people, understanding cues. and sometime in elementry school i had a deep paranoid existenial crisis over the thought of death and how that scared me so much i just cried and cried and cried. and it sort of cemented the start of my deep rooted phobia of death. or rather the thought that there was nothing after it.

i held a lot of love in my heart for my mom at the time and the idea that she would be gone one day broke me. and it still does really especially now that im 27 and with a lot more people and things i love. i try not to think about it too much or else i really get thrown into a deep spiral of dread and fear that pretty much paralyzes me.

i still need to check out the things a friend recommneded to me to try and help cope with it.

and ironic enough with the phobia of death, i am deeply suicidal. mostly passive about maybe 90% of the time but still suicidal. i dont even remember when it started. for all i know its been my whole life given i struggled mentally the whole time. so pretty much ive struggled with this.... lingering idea. that gets tossed back and forth of wanting to live so so bad and wanting to die. and being passive about it well usually means i dont act on it. but its still there. its like a version of me thats mirroring everything i do but the only thing it can do is tell me to hurt myself, to end it, to just get it over with. and i guess thats most of my intrusive thoughts really. the urge to hurt myself or kill myself is near constant. and its been hard trying to just manage through that and exist especially in a world where it is already so so hard to just live.

and sometimes it does win. smaller batches of self harm. cuting, starving myself, lashing out at people i care about and ruining the relationship, isolating myself from everyone and jsut getting worse and worse. though sometimes i cant really help but actually want to do worse. i dont really. honestly the worst i have done is really starve myself for a good few days. really not good but hey thats being suicidal and deeply hating yourself does to you.

i do try to make the effort to maage it. games, friends, going out, various small fun things but sometimes shit just piles up and well. theres only so muc i can do at a time. this isnt even to mention the other shit that ends up adding to it.

ive come to realize how... unstable i really am as a person but i never had any realy frame of refrence to what was normal and what wasnt along with getting this idea that im fine and just not trying hard enough really ends up with me having such awful issues that i have no idea how to even handle myself. its so fucking frustrating actually. delusonal, psychotic, unstable mood, rejection sensitive dysphoria, probably some fucking personality disorder. i dont know. there is jsut something wrong. i just want to live. i just want to not struggle anymore.

theres people i fell out of touch with. or ran from, or jsut driven away or blocked. and i am so. deeply sorry. theres some now that i honestly cant muster anything to keep in touch because im scared. i miss my friends. im trying and trying but god theres so much. and i just. ended up with the habit to run cut it myself so it doesnt hurt as much. not that it doesnt hurt a lot but. man.

i feel myself losing steam on this and im not really making much sense. im going on tangents and its hard to really bring it all together.

but no matter how much i try, i just dont seem to get a break. not much of one really. i still try regardless but i am so tired.

im so god damn tired.

this isnt even to mention the fucking bastard that keeps living with us cause my mother is too fucking nice to just. get. rid. of. him. i shouldnt have to suffer years of his ass basically tormenting and harassing my mother and being an angry self entitled piece of shit. i shouldnt have to have had my hand broken becuase he got high and drunk and had a bad trip and was threatening to kill my mom. i shouldnt have to suffer living in the same house as a man to fucking threatened to rape me. who shows no respect at all to my mother and fucking laughs at her when she gets angry or gets aggressive. honestly sometimes i feel like it is better to just fucking kill him now than deal with any of that or anything else he has done anymore.

no surprise hes the reason for a lot of my recent really dangerously bad spiral where i really did consider just ending it all.

i am so tired.

i still kinda want to end it.

i still am scared of interacting with most of my friends again. im scared of reaching out to the ones that i havent spoken to in a bit. im terrified of fucking it up and hurting my partner all cause im so stupidly unstable and just unable to hold everything together.

and how pathetic it is i cant even make a call to a psychiratrist all cause im so violently incapable of making a call cause i hate it to the point it phsyically hurts.

not to mention the usually struggle with doctors also in not bothering to actually make effort listening to me.

not to mention inablity to work cause of being disabled and unstable.

i am gods favorite clown cause my life is a fucking joke.

but ill still try. to at least keep living. even when i hate it some days. even if im deeply suicidal nearly everyday.

cause i still have my cat. i still have some friends. still got games to finish and movies and shows to watch. ill still hate living sometimes but i really cant help but be in love with life.

i guess thats all i have to dump out of my head. cant think of anythign else to complain about.

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

While we're here, I just want to add an example of a good response to Harris' video.

In the first half of the video, Harris briefly mentions a creator called Lukeypoo (who now goes by Luke Stephens) who had plagiarised Harris' Bloodborne review, and his response at the time was to deny it, signal to his alt right buddies and insult Harris.

After the video came out, Luke Stephens made a post on his community page regarding it:

For those, who can't see the screenshots, it reads:

A video went up on YouTube last night that showed something I did 6 years ago in early 2017, of which I'm very ashamed. I've talked about it on stream plenty since then and try to be very open about it, but I know a lot of people haven't been watching me since 2017 or have not heard me discuss this before. I don't want to hide from my mistakes or deflect, so very plainly here's what happened:

I was just starting on YouTube and I ripped off a phenomenal video on Bloodborne. It was a fantastic video by hbomberguy and after finding it through a Reddit post I tried to take his 1.5 hour masterpiece and make my own suckier version at around 7 minutes. I copied the premise, jokes, structure, and then pretended like it was all just a coincidence that they were so similar. I was a 19 year old idiot who thought it didn't matter because "he's a bigger creator so it's fine" and "it's just the internet." When I was rightly called out for copying his video I dodged, lied, and even attacked and insulted the appearance of those holding me to account, including hbomberguy himself. I copied someone's video, in parts word-for-word, and I pretended like *I* was the victim and *they* were being unreasonable. Unbelievable. There is no question at all: I was in the wrong, fully.

Let me be very clear: I whole heartedly disown who I was back then and what I did. Politically, religiously, and even morally/ethically I was a person that I hate today. I was an extremist, a bully, a religious zealot, and above all, a prick. This event sparked a spiral in my personal life that I didn't document online, but that has led me to who I am today. Someone who tries very hard to respect my fellow creators, audience, and to uphold a high ethical standard for myself. I strive every day to be a better man for myself, my family and kids, and for the community around me. And that's why I'm writing this, because I don't think we should hide from our mistakes or pretend they didn't happen. I screwed up, big time, and I stole the hard work of an incredibly talented creator and for that I'm incredibly sorry. I was 19, hard headed, and above all arrogant and unwilling to acknowledge I had screwed up. It took a couple years after that before I could openly admit what I had actually done, and that it took that long is all the more shameful.

I don't expect a response or certainly forgiveness, but for what it's worth, I am truly sorry for everything, @hbomberguy

For the last 6 years I've been working my butt off to be someone I can be proud of being and I hope you all can see that the man I am today is not the shameful excuse of a person I was back then.

I've never watched a video or stream by Luke Stephens so I can't attest as to his content, but this is one of the best responses I've seen to any kind of accusation, and so I lean towards believing him to be a better man than he was six years.

I thinks it's important to highlight the good response/s to Harris' video, to remind ourselves that plagiarism is not such an immoral action that from which you can't redeem yourself (though in Somerton's case, I'm less sure of that) if you take accountability for your actions, and to remember that in most cases, we should give people space to grow and become better.

The swiftness and brutality of Hbomberguy’s complete evisceration of James Somerton’s career cannot be overstated.

[itsalwaysdark]

had a dream ehere the entire population of the earth was being tortured by the devil and he was like um teehee game ^_^ if at leastt half of you survive the next year ill leave u alone ^_^ and we were like . Fine but you have to give us 24 hours warning before you do anything. and he wa like okie. but this was insanely stressful for me bc i was trying to keep my family safe when my mom cant walk very fast and like. little man. yk. very stressful. idk how it concluded i woke up

[thewertsearch]

Decided to take a little look at the Formspring over the weekend. 

I’m not sure exactly where I left off last time, so I decided to start from the last question I commented on - which means that these are old questions, from way back in the Hivebent era. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fairly young, or because I’m not American, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a reference to either of these shows. I haven’t even heard of the second one.

Let me live, Hussie!

We get some hard numbers for Homestuck’s readership, although I’m sure it had grown significantly by the time Cascade rolled around. For reference, this was posted around the time of WV: Rise up.

Karkat originally described Semi-Perfect Jack as ‘something higher than a queen or a king’, which really made it sound like Jack was stronger than either - but I suppose this makes sense, too. 

Jack’s not necessarily stronger than the Queen was - but he’s definitely more dangerous, because he doesn’t follow the normal rules of a Ringbearer. The Queen was a bad-tempered moderator, but Jack is a troll who’s stolen the moderator’s password. 

Hussie’s constant teasing of Team Sleuth is honestly pretty funny. 

I suppose it makes sense that Prospitian Agents would have different priorities - but what about Prospitian Exiles, Hussie? We’re about to be introduced to four new ones, and they could be anyone. 

I like Hussie’s take on creating web content. I agree - you should be making what you want to make, not what gets you the most clicks. 

If I had to knock one point off of Homestuck’s rating, it would be due to the comic’s obsession with clowns. My apologies to all the clown lovers out there, but I simply cannot get into them.

I’ve never seen Lost, myself. I hear it initially had potential, but fell apart later on when it had to keep the promises made by its premise. 

But I think was sold it for me was when I got the idea to mix the pairs of slime from their respective guardians. The whole weird mess struck me as an especially novel origin story, and the thought of making these 8 babies all at once was just ridiculous enough to be irresistible. Not just because of the mad science/time travel/paradoxical novelty, but because of the new light it put the characters under. Especially the guardians I think. These weird automaton-like authority figures, mostly obstacles in the early going, are quite probably very much like the kids, just at different stages in their weird lives (i.e. the ones where they lose their facial features). They're all kind of like siblings in a way, even if not all biological. (Though some are!) And I think you could pick up on that from some of the early interactions, that for instance Rose was likely a very similar person to her mom. Her mom just happened to be an adult!

Hussie originally saw the Guardians as pretty similar to their kids - and Rose, in particular, would be quite similar to Mom. We’ve already seen that Rose takes after her father, but it sounds like Roxy’s going to match her vibes, too. 

Laughing my ass off at the implication that there’s an upper limit to that number. 

Damn it, I really was hoping for some sort of anime showdown during the finale. 

Mind you, Hussie’s not saying it won’t happen - just that if it does, it won’t take up a third of the comic’s runtime. 

God, I am so here for nunchuck Sollux, and I’m getting sadder and sadder that these forum threads are all gone. I wonder what other early headcanons people had for the trolls? 

Heh.

See, I kind of figured that Homestuck wouldn’t get fully into the nitty-gritty of a Sburb campaign - but damn, would I still love to see it. I suppose speculating about the game’s mechanics is just as fun, though. 

This answer seems to confirm that Terezi had no idea what the Doomsday Scale really was. 

I wonder what she thought about the fact that it bore her sign? Did she wonder about the Pyrope who left it there, or did she already have a pretty good idea of who it was likely to be? 

[and-claudia]

Yours pt. 2 (Paddy x reader) (Speak No Evil)

Okay for now I'm just calling this miniseries Yours until I find a title I actually like.

Warnings: Paddy (he is a warning himself), manipulation, age gap, mentions of death, controlling relatives, lies, lots of lies, mentions of p in v sex, morning after pill, you think Paddy is being sweet but its mostly all manipulating

This story will get dark. this is your warning, this part isn't really that dark

Word Count: 3200+

Taglist (Read the rules, follow them or I will remove your response)

I woke up at some point, feeling something on the inside of my leg. When my eyes slowly opened, the room was mostly dark with just a soft glow coming from the bathroom door that was half open.

“Sorry, darling. Didn’t mean to wake you. Just wanted to get you at least semi-cleaned up.” He said from where he was sitting beside me, gently wiping away the evidence of our time together earlier in the night. 

He had put on a pair of sweats, but I was still lying on top of the sheets, completely naked. A small shiver ran down my back, causing me to wrap my arms around myself. 

“Here, put this on.” He said, handing me what I could only assume was one of his shirts. 

“Thanks.” I said, sitting up as he finished wiping off part of my leg. 

I put the shirt on, relishing in how it smelt like him, before looking over at him, “What time is it?” 

“Early. You can go back to sleep.” He said. 

I nodded, “Imma go to the bathroom first.” I said, turning to get up off the bed. 

“Ciria’s makeup wipes are in there if you need some.” He said as I walked off, and I gave him a nod. 

I went and did my business. Honestly I was surprised and quite frankly curious as to how he had managed to clean me up so well without me waking up sooner, considering how much of a mess there was between my legs when I fell asleep. However, I was too tired to question it too much. Once I was done, I washed my hands and found the makeup wipes he had mentioned. I quickly wiped off whatever wake was left on my face from both sweating at the club and jumping into the pool. 

When I came back out, Paddy had moved from his spot on the bed to the chair in the corner. 

“There’s something on the side table for you.” He said, nodding to the one closer to me. 

On it sat a water bottle and a box of Plan B. 

“I know you said you were on birth control, but better to be safe than sorry.” He said. 

I nodded and grabbed the box, “No, I agree, thanks.” I said before taking it. 

The sheets had been pulled back, clearly indicating that he was okay with me sleeping under them rather than on top like I had been earlier. However, he wasn’t making any moves to join me. 

“Are you coming back to bed?” I asked. 

“I wasn’t sure if that would be okay with you… I didn’t want to cross any boundaries.” He said with what I would’ve sworn was a nervous laugh, but Paddy didn’t seem like the type of man to ever get nervous, especially in the bedroom. 

“Paddy, I am pretty fucking sure you bruised my cervix last night… I don’t think we have boundaries…” I said. 

He laughed a little at my comment but still stood from his chair and came to join me on the other side of the bed. Once he was settled in, I scooted over to him and looked up at him from where my head was resting on his chest. 

“I meant what I said… if you truly want me, I’m yours, Paddy.” I said. 

He didn’t respond verbally. Instead, he just leaned down and kissed me gently. I responded immediately, returning the kiss before a yawn forced me to pull away. Paddy laughed to himself and smiled at me. 

“Get some rest, baby.” He said gently. 

We finally woke up a few hours later. Our families had plans for brunch at a cafe a few blocks away and we both needed to get up and get ready for that. Paddy got up and got dressed fairly quickly after deciding to lie to Ben and Louise, saying that I had gotten sick on my dress and needed a change of clothes to get dressed over here. 

3rd person PoV

Paddy walked through the halls of the hotel until he got to the room where Yn’s aunt and uncle were staying. He knocked twice, then waited. Louise opened the door and was shocked to find Paddy there. 

“Hi, Paddy… where’s Yn?” She asked, clearly worried for his niece. 

“Oh, you fret far too much over her, Louise. Don’t worry, she and Ciria are back in our room. I think she was getting in the shower when I stopped by.” Paddy said. 

“Stopped by?” Louise asked, confused as she leaned against the doorframe. 

“Yes, when we got back, it was quite late. We didn’t want to bother you, so I let her and Cira take our room. It was a king-sized bed and the two of them seemed to really be hitting it off and didn’t seem to mind having to share. I slept on the floor in the room we got Ant.” 

“He has his own room?” She asked. 

“Yes, it’s across the hall. Kinda hard to enjoy certain aspects of your vacation with your kid 5 feet away from you, if you know what I mean.” He said with a laugh as Louise smiled politely, but it was clear she was uncomfortable, “Anyways… I came by to check that our brunch plans were still a go?” 

Lousie looked back into the room to Ben, who just shrugged. 

“Yeah, we’re just about to get ready.” She said after turning back to Paddy.

“Perfect! I also came by to get Yn’s clothes… she got a little sick on her dress. And so she asked me to come by and get her clothes for her. She wrote down what she needed on here.” He said, handing the note to her. 

Lousie looked at it and was a little confused. It listed the sundress she wanted, her makeup bag, what she needed to do her makeup, the jewelry she wanted and where it was in her bag, and what shoes she wanted… but that was it. It lacked any undergarments of any kind. 

“O-okay. One second…” She said, pushing the door shut. 

“What’s that?” Ben asked, seeing the note in her hand. 

“The clothes Yn needs… she threw up on her dress or something, so she’s going to get ready with Ciria in their room, I guess.” She said, walking past him to get to Yn’s suitcase. 

She collected everything that was requested but hesitated, seeing her undergarment bag… maybe she had just forgotten to write it down. The dress she was asked for wasn’t form-fitting; it was nice and flowy, so she shouldn’t have to worry about lines if she wore underwear. After some debate, she grabbed the first pair from the bag, not wanting to invade her privacy, and folded it up into the dress. She put everything into a small bag and went back to the door to Paddy. 

“Here, that’s everything she asked for… I put a few things she didn’t ask for as well, like her uh- her daily medications, purse, toothbrush, that type of stuff…I just figured she forgot to write that down.” Louse said, handing it to him. 

“Thank you. I will let her know. And I will see you lot later!” He said before walking off. 

He got back to his room just as Yn was getting out of the shower. He knocked on the bathroom door and handed her the bag, which she thanked him for with a small kiss. 

He then went and grabbed some clothes for Ciria before walking across the hall to give them to her. 

“Can’t I come back over and get ready with you?” Ciria asked as he handed her the clothes. 

“No, Yn is still there. Get ready here, and get the kid ready, too. We have brunch with the Daltons.” He said. 

“Why is she still there?” She pressed, a pang of jealousy laced in her voice. 

Paddy didn’t reply. He just sent her a look that warned her to quit asking questions. 

“Sorry, I’ll go get ready.” She said, and he nodded once in approval. 

“Remember, all three of us went out last night, and you and Yn slept in the other room. You go along with anything I or Yn say. She believes we do this all the time, I told her that you wanted me to have the night with her. You go along with that. Got it?” He asked, making sure she went along with the string of lies he told Ben and Louise. 

“Yes, sir.” She said before closing the door to get ready.

Yn’s PoV 

Soon, everyone was ready, and we were waiting for my aunt, uncle, and cousin. To tell the truth, I was sad when Ciria and Ant joined us. It was nice pretending it was just Paddy and I, but I had to remind myself that he had a wife and kid, I was just his fun vacation side piece for now. Then, when I saw my family, it felt like even that was ripped away. 

“Everyone ready?” Ciria asked, holding onto Paddy’s arm, to say I wasn’t a little jealous would be a lie. 

“Yeah, I think so.” Louise said, and we all began walking to the restaurant. 

“So, did you have fun last night, Yn?” Ben asked while we sat down waiting for our food.

“Yeah.” I said with a shrug. 

“Still a bit tired, I bet. We had a pretty crazy night.” Paddy said, “Right girls?” 

“Yes. Oh Yn was so much fun to dance with! I wish you all didn’t live so far. I would kill for girls' nights with her… and of course you, Louise.” Ciria said, much to my surprise. 

“I would love that.” I said with a smile over at her. 

Paddy was sat between us. Since it was a round table, there was no real way to separate the two families, not that I was complaining. His knee kept grazing mine under the table, and I was trying not to let myself wonder if it was on purpose or accident. It wasn’t until he leaned forward to tell my uncle something and his hand landed on my leg that I knew it was on purpose. I watched him as he spoke, unable to keep the smile from my face. Until a name brought my attention to my uncle. 

“Me and my brother Brandon used to work together years and years ago.” Ben said. 

“18 years ago.” I corrected him. 

He sighed, “Yeah, 18 years ago…” 

“Oh, what happened? Did you have a falling out?” Paddy asked, seemingly unaware of the tension building between my uncle and me.

“He died.” I said bluntly, “He and his wife, my mother. I was only three. They were in the car, heading to Ben’s place to meet his new girlfriend. I was staying with my grandparents. A drunk driver hit them head-on.” I said, staring at the mimosa I had ordered. 

I picked it up and downed it in one go before excusing myself from the table. Ben never talked about him around me. I wasn’t sad. I was pissed. Everytime he talked about my dad it was a slap in the face that he had actually got to remember him and have memories of him, and I didn’t. And it was his fault. 

I had left the restaurant and went and sat on a bench a little ways down the road. Even though Paddy was there and I wanted to spend as much time with him before our paths parted but I had zero intentions on going back to that brunch. 

“Can I sit?” I heard his voice say cautiously as if speaking to an injured wild animal. 

“Sure… sorry for storming off.” I said, not looking at him. 

“It’s okay… Ben explained.” He said and scoffed. 

“What’d he say? That I still wasn’t over the untimely death of my parents? That I was sent to live with my oh so loving godfather?” I asked sarcastically. 

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. He said he and Louise raised you, tried to get you to go to therapy to work through you feelings about what happened.” He said. 

I shook my head, “I don’t need therapy, not now at least. Louise only wanted me to go because Agnes goes and she’s into all that new age parenting. But I know exactly how I feel about it, now, and I got there without a fucking therapist.” 

I took a deep breath before explaining what really happened, “I was at my grandparents. Ben had invited my dad and mom to his apartment to meet the girl he had been dating, Louise. On the drive over, they got into a car accident. No one survived… it was their fault. If they weren’t going to his apartment then my parents would still be here.” 

Deep down I knew I sounded crazy. But it was the only way I could rationalize their death. 

“I’m sorry, darling. Come here.” He said opening his arms for me. 

I hugged and he held me close. 

“Then when Agnes was born, I was pretty much cast aside. Everything was about her because she’s their really daughter. And I was left to the sideline to watch her get the childhood they took away from me…I’m sorry, I know that makes me sound crazy probably…” I said when I pulled away. 

“Not at all.” He said much to my surprise. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I’ve seen how they treat you now. I think they realized their fuck up and are trying to reverse it now but its too little too late to try and parent you. What’s been done is done and they can’t undo what they did to you. I’m so sorry you were treated like that.” He said. 

“Thank you, Paddy. I’ve never really told anyone all of this and I was sure if I did they would think I was insane… by the way I’m not going back to that brunch. Fuck him. Feel free to go back. I’ll be fine.” I said, secretly hoping he would stay. 

“Well I told them I would go find you… and I think it’s taking a lot longer to find you than I expected. Come on lets get get something to eat.” He said with a smirk. 

Although I really liked that idea, part of me felt guilty about keeping him from his family. 

“I can’t keep you from your family, Paddy.” I said. 

“You can if I’m the one offering. Besides we only have a couple more days together. I intended to use every excuse I can to spend time with you.” He said, leaning over to kiss me. 

A pang of sadness hit me suddenly at that. I knew it was the truth, but I didn’t want to think about that. I knew the likely hood of me seeing him after this vacation were slim. 

“However…” He drew out the word, catching my attention, “After Ben told explained everything about what happened to you and how you all ended up moving and everything. I suggested you all come out to our farm for a bit. Give you a break from the city, get a change of scenery. I told it may do you some good, being out there with the fresh air.” 

“Seriously, when?” I asked, admittedly a bit too excited. 

“Whenever!” He said smiling at my enthusiasm, “I just need your help convince them to come out and see… for you to come see me.” 

“I will.” I promised. 

“Good, now, how about that lunch, hm?” He asked raising an eyebrow and offering me his hand. I nodded with a smile and took his hand before we stood together and he walked us further away from where everyone else was having brunch as we went off to do our own thing. 

In the following days I spent as much time as I could with Paddy. Any excuse I could think of to get close to him I went with. At one point I even agreed to play chicken fight in the pool with Agnes on my shoulders while Paddy had Ant on his. But when the day came for us to leave I was overcome by sadness. Paddy made me feel seen and made me feel more alive that I’ve ever felt before. And now I was leaving that behind back to being the bane of my uncles existence. 

As we came down from our room with our bags, Paddy, Ciria and Ant were all there to see us off. I smiled when I saw him and his smile grew even more when they landed on me. I had secrently kept the shirt he had let me sleep in after the night at the club and I was wearing it right now. 

I waited as everyone else said bye to one another. I gave Ciria a hug telling her I hoped that we could visit soon and her and I could hang out more. I even gave Ant a small side hug telling him Agnes and I had fun playing with him and his dad in the pool. Then I got my turn with Paddy. 

“Oh come here.” He said, wrapping into a tight hug just had he had done with Louise. 

I hugged him back and took a long inhale of his scent knowing I wouldn’t be able to see him for awhile. 

“You look great wearing my clothes… god I’m going to miss you, and your perfect cunt.” He said quietly so no one else would hear. 

I sighed, “I’m going to miss you too… don’t forget, I’m yours.” I whispered back, before pulling away. 

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead, which didn’t seem too suspicious considering he gave Lousie a small peck on the cheek as well. 

“Here, let me help.” Paddy said grabbing my bag along with Agnes’s before following Ben and Louise out to the car. 

We got loaded up and drove away as I sat in silence in the back seat. My only hope was that I could convince my aunt and uncle to actually go out to the farm so I could see him again. 

Taglist

@dreamygirli3 @comicbookslut @dianaxx99 @one-of-thewalkingdead @moist-for-xavier @myartistrash02 @fairy-cores-world d @mayamidge

[connor-123-idk]

Can you talk more about the concept behind RSA!Rook?

I wanted to post chapter 2 today, but I have another family meeting, so I shall just yap

What's up with this guy, and what is his concept

So, it was not easy to came out with this idea in the first place. Snow White itself doesn't have many of characters, especially when it comes to bad characters. The fact that i made RSA!Vil a Snow White should say that a lot, because for him I had to switch between Neige and Vil (lazyyyyy)

I was trying to came out with alternative of sort for Rook, but then I thought the other way. Instead of important character I should do something else important

The concept of ,,beauty" is one of important concepts in Snow White and Seven Dwarfs, but so is ,,revenge" and ,,death"

When you take a look at source, Evil Queen was trying to kill Snow White 3 times, one of them was with the corset OR a ribbon, depends which version we read. That's why RSA!Rook has a very tight corset, that looks like he's almost suffocating

The other way was poisoned comb, which on the other hand I gave to RSA!Vil design

(Its there, you just gotta look closer)

And the last was poisoned apple, which can be seen on Rook's hairpins

Thats why Rook has 3 pins on one side but what about other pin?

Its death of Evil Queen. Where in original she died dancing in hot shoes and lost a lot of blood in process

I made the design mostly thinking about Doctor Plague, but also such characters like Nanno from ,,The Girl From Nowhere", and the black hands are inspired by Arlecchino from ,,Genshin Impact".

Due to RSA!Rook being based on the concept I had a lot of artistic freedom with him. Some fans even influenced his design and character. His first version didn't have a make up back then, until one of fans commented that he would look better in it. I made some research about goth make ups, and put it on Rook, which looks way better in my opinion

Also some fans compared him to Wednesday, which gave me a good reason to why he doesn't wear dorm uniform (cough cough color allergy)

What role will he play in the Main Story? I honestly dont know myself since I planned only Book 1 - Book 3, so I wont say much in that matter

Anyway. I think I yapped enough 🥲

[morbethgames]

The Recoding of The Bureau is Finished

I’m done recoding the game. All in all, it was honestly about what I expected to be slimmed off once I got a good look at some of the scenes. As I expected, 90% of that were from the first 3 chapters. I am a mix of emotions after arduously spending hours upon hours replacing gender variables one at a time by hand. Which unfortunately, I couldn’t think of another way for doing it, because all of the characters were using the same gender variables instead of independent ones for each character.

I’m relieved it’s done. Disappointed in myself that I had to do it at all. Irritated that some people decided to put the game on blast for it rather than give actionable suggestions on how to fix it. Excited to finally be able to continue writing both the extra scenes that need to be written and the main story. I honestly don’t know which one I’m going to continue with first.

Please leave feedback.

There are still no doubt one or two spots with maybe 1-2k words each that could be slimmed down, but that would require a lot of work for very little payoff. So yes, I’m comfortable saying, the game is almost 400k words long in total. 85k words per playthrough. That’s not including the extra scenes in the stats screen, because randomtest doesn’t go in the stats screen (to my knowledge at least, someone can correct me if I’m wrong). So you still have to play the game roughly 5 times and choose different choices to see everything it has to offer.

Is the game smaller? A bit, yeah. Is it 100-150k? It’s more than double that.

Now, that doesn’t say anything for the state of some of the writing. If I have to read someone nodding, or smiling, or ‘slightly’, ‘a bit’, or ‘a little’ something in my own work again, I’m gonna jump out a window. Obviously, back when I started writing this, I was very much influenced by Wayhaven. I’ve since grown out of that idea. Since the game has taken on an identity of its own, and while I will forever be grateful to that series and continue to support it, there’s gonna be some changes in the final version of this game. Less of what I said above, less ellipses, and the flirting (especially in the beginning) will seem much more down to earth and believable for the setting it’s in, with a bit of wiggle room since this is still very much a YA game.

Please leave feedback.

The rewrite will not be happening until the first draft of the game is fully finished. I refuse to get stuck in a rewrite phase, mostly because I would just find it way too boring.

My patreon will continue to have static fiction on it, as well as sneak peeks into upcoming stuff. In case you’ve been missing it, Love In Stasis is up to Chapter 6 at this point, with more to come. I’m also thinking about potentially starting a horror static fiction.

I’ll be relying on people to playtest this new version of the game to tell me about any continuity errors, and gender errors, any anything errors. So please, play the demo. Let me know if you notice anything. I think if I’ve proved anything at this point, it’s that I act and fix things based on feedback.

And pettiness.

But mostly feedback.

Please leave feedback.

Last thing I’ll say; I’m gonna stop saying I’m bad at coding. Someone who’s bad at coding wouldn’t have been able to implement the text boxes and fine tune them. Someone who’s bad at coding wouldn’t have been able to code Golden Eyes. Someone who’s bad at coding wouldn’t have been able to slim down the game that much from where it was. So it’s time I give myself the credit of someone who at least knows what they’re doing. I’m not adept at it, but I’m certainly not bad at it either.

I’m still expecting the game to end up over 500k words when all is said and done. It will not be one million words, but I’m actually kind of happy about that. This is proof I’m still working on this game, and the next time it updates, it will have new content. Thanks for those that are patient and stick around, your support does still genuinely mean a lot.

Please leave feedback.

Stay Brilliant,

-Vi

P.S. Please leave feedback.

🛡️Patreon | Forum Page | Demo Link🛡️

[postoctobrist]

When me and my friends were young (but not that young) our small hometown town somehow got the money to build a 1000ft long pedestrian suspension bridge. We were bored and found that if we grabbed the suspension cable at its lowest point and pushed and pulled it at the right frequency we could slowly build up oscillations in the bridge. You could feel the walkway swaying underneath us and see the movement in the main suspension cable. We would do this with several people with one person counting out the beat until the oscillations got so large that the suspenders attaching the walk way to the main cable started to slam into the hand rail and make a horrible clanging noise. Then we would all be scared, and no longer bored so we would stop.

While doing this I was aware of the differential equations describing first and second order resonance in elastic structures with and without dampening. I had studied several engineering disasters where cyclic loading close to some multiple of the resonance frequency lead to collapse of buildings and bridges. It is a small town and I was bored.

I am bad at transitions, and I would like to ask for advice/articulate something. Mostly to force myself to articulate thoughts I have never spoken about, and you do not have to read all this. Because it is very long and large parts of it are honestly pretty horrible. I have for some time been making a very conscious effort to not think about "my gender". Because I felt that there would be no use in thinking about myself through that lens. Telling myself that I can do whatever I want regardless of gender. This seemed to work for me except I find myself paralyzed. I cannot imagine myself in a romantic or sexual relationship. Romantic or sexual attention I receive feels like it is intended for somebody else. Even in situations that should be simple where attraction is mutual I feel confused and conflicted. As I write this I am wearing clothes somebody gave to me almost a decade ago, they have holes in them and I never really considered what they look like to other people. A couple times a year when I make budget or apply for a job etc I thin about the future but only ever a year or two ahead. This future blindness gets so bad I often can't even make plans for the weekend. I find myself looking at my reflection as if trying to find something wrong with my appearance but I couldn't put my finger on any specific flaw. I look like an attractive man, what else could I ask for.

I have recently allowed myself to think about this and I am not sure that it is helping. I realize now that being a man can be an exhausting constant effort for me, and that certain things that I have been doing can alleviate this pressure. When I wear my long hair down, I do not imagine that I have become a women, but the act of wearing my long hair down and shaving my entire face is not something I would do to look like the manliest man. This almost symbolic rejection of my internal drive to act as a man has a profound effect on me. Especially when I am alone I find this very calming, my mind is a little quieter, my breathing is a little deeper.

However in public this is often over shadowed by a new discomfort. My already ever present sense of danger in public is heightened. Around many men I feel physically unsafe, as if a threat of violence lies just under the surface of every interaction. Around women my discomfort around men and with myself seem to combine and I cannot shake the feeling that I will make them feel unsafe. Making women feel unsafe makes me unsafe and so on. All this is worse the more feminine I am.

My small symbolic gestures of femininity in private would seem to have no real downside. Their benefits seem to come into effect as soon as stop trying to look masculine. However in the perception of others I feel a pressure to appear either completely man or women. I now find myself trying to appear feminine and this might be worse. Outside perception of me feels completely beyond my control. Which is a good excuse for me to repress any thoughts or feelings about it. I want to accept that this is outside my control, and also that I desperately want to control it.

Some of things I believe about this view of me from the outside are not things I would ever want to put on anyone else. I have never seen a person that would look worse with some musculature, and have always found strong people aesthetically pleasing and attractive. I enjoy being strong, it practical utility, the sense of security it provides me, and as an accomplishment I am proud of. Yet at the same time I sometimes find myself revolted by my muscles. My size, my veins, my bones, nothing about them is wrong except that they are there.

I feel I need to juxtapose any feminine attributes against my masculine ones (one earring is allowed but with short hair. Long hair is allowed in a bun but with stubble). To appear as a feminine man and not a failed attempt at manliness. Is this my reaction to a societal pressure or my own misandry against weak men? I have no way of knowing. Similarly I feel that the only way to be extremely feminine or a woman would be to subject myself to sexual objectification, and infantilization ("femboys" are only feminine as long as they are somebodies fetish and because they are boys and not adults). Again I cannot say if this is my reaction to a societal trend or my own judgement on other people. Either way I cannot help but feel that this pedophilic degrading view of femininity and women is a moral sin I have committed. Yet what possible use could there be in applying a moral judgement on my own thoughts? I don't choose to feel or think these things. I don't want to wear booty shorts, or dress up like a princess. Do I think less of those who do? If don't subject myself to this degradation in exchange for femininity will it be because I have the self respect of a man? Or is it just cowardice.

I don't want to look like a trans women. I want what my grandma has. She is a matriarch. The varicose veins on her arms, her short hair, a raspy laugh, a double mastectomy, these things are just the type of women she is. She is a mother of mothers. She might not be asked to pray over the meal, but her wisdom is an open secret among those that are really looking for ruthlessly honest advice. She must enjoy wearing jewelry (or she wouldn't bother) but never seems to take it too seriously. When telling a story about how she fought a bear off her daughters or cracking a joke about how she will die any day now her womanhood is so effortless, so inconsequential, so in the background that it almost seems almost useless.

oh my fucking god lady just take the fucking estrogen

[estrellami-1]

If I Should Stay

Part 1 | . . . | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14

After sandwiches, Nancy turns to El. “Could you look for Barb again?”

El sets her mouth and nods. She glances at Steve, who also nods and moves to set up the living room again.

Eddie follows him in and picks up the blindfold. Steve doesn’t try to hide his smirk. “You’ve got questions, I’m guessing?”

Eddie shrugs, leans against the couch. Watches the fabric as he pulls it through his fingers. Right hand, left hand. Right, left. “Mostly thinking I was wrong about you. Even more than I initially thought.”

Steve smiles. “We never got to have this conversation in the future, but I do know what your bandana means.” He stops for a second, watches Eddie’s hands. Right, left. “I’m offering… not an olive branch, per se, but…”

“An invitation?” Right, left.

“Exactly.” He shrugs. “If there’s anything you want to know…” he trails off, lets it hang in the air.

Eddie smiles. “Just one thing.” He holds it up in his left hand. “Who d’you use it on?”

Steve grins and turns away, looking for the remote. “Myself.” His smile falls. “Or- I did. You heard about the Russians, right?”

Eddie steps up beside him. Offers him the blindfold. “Yeah. Makes sense.”

Steve shrugs. “I’d say if I could go back in time, but…” he gestures around with a grin, letting it widen when Eddie chuckles. “Turns out going back in time does nothing for the memories I already have.”

Eddie frowns. “Kinda fucked up, isn’t it? Your body reverted back to its sixteen-year-old self, but your brain is still twenty.”

“I mean, imagine me coming to school one day looking like this, and the next I come in with scars, looking half a decade older. People would talk.”

Eddie hums. “You’re probably right. Still, it can’t be easy, having those mental reminders with none of the physical.”

Steve grins at him. “Did you miss the part where I don’t have concussions?”

Eddie snorts. “Fair enough. Still, I bet the scars looked badass.”

“Very metal,” Steve agrees. “Y’know, if you’d survived? We woulda had matching scars.” He trails a hand down his side. “The bats ripped us both open. Woulda gotten me if you, Robin and Nance hadn’t gotten there when you did. You took on a bat with nothing but an oar from a rowboat.” He turns to look at Eddie. “You told me once, how you’re a coward. How you run.” He shakes his head, looks away. “You didn’t. Not when it mattered. And you won’t this time.”

“Maybe this time we’ll have matching not-scars,” Eddie says, then points at Steve. “And no concussions.”

“And no concussions,” Steve parrots, laughing. “If we have to deal with the Russians again, though? I’m definitely doing something different.”

“We,” Eddie murmurs, shrugging when Steve looks at him. “We’ll do something different. You think any of these kids are gonna leave you alone after this? You think Eleven will leave you alone?”

“I hope not,” Steve answers honestly. “And you? You’re staying?”

Eddie shrugs again. “You said I didn’t run when it mattered. Who’s to say this doesn’t matter just as much? I’m not running.”

Steve smiles softly at him. “You’re a good man, Eddie Munson.”

Eddie levels him with a look. “I sell weed, Steve.”

Steve snorts. “I’m well aware, dude, I’ve bought from you before. If all goes well, I’m planning on buying another.”

Eddie laughs. “Hell, man, if it all goes well, I’ll give it to you, free of charge.”

Steve winks. “I’ll hold you to it,” he says, then leaves Eddie to process while he goes to get El.

Of course wherever El goes, Mike’s not far behind, which means he, Dustin and Lucas follow, and of course Nancy follows, and since everyone else is already in there, Jonathan and Robin follow too, so they all end up crammed in the living room again, with bated breaths and tightly-held hands, as El settles in front of the TV and puts the blindfold on.

Finally, she speaks. “I see her. She is alive.”

Nancy slumps into the couch and lets out a breath.

Then El speaks again. “She does not have very long.”

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[tubbytarchia]

Honestly, the whole idea that "if you criticize scott you're homophobic" is so terribly problematic. Basically giving him blanket clearance to do anything or say anything and if you criticize it, well, you're just homophobic. I can't imagine that's a good mindset to have as a person, let alone to see someone having as an impressionable young person.

I'm sure scott is a lovely guy in person but seeing how he acts online, frequently as a holier-than-thou type character, and looking down at others, like saying he interrupted a canon event by preventing scar and jimmy from pairing, is just upsetting. I find myself as the same as character joel in the life series, rooting for his death.

Something else that has really irritated me in the life series is how often he gifts deaths to other people. He did it so much in limited life. He literally gave every one of his deaths in secret life to someone else. And he acted so smarmy about it, too, like "oh I am taking this precious life and graciously giving it to you because otherwise I might never die to anything".

I was really happy when most of scott's deaths in wild life happened out of his control, like yes you are exactly the same as everyone else. Stop trying to act otherwise. Anywise thanks for being open about criticism. I don't know if I ever thought about toxic positivity until I saw you talking about it!

Oh I have so many thoughts on Scott's self-sacrificial nature. The toxic positivity is much more prominent on twitter but does still rear its ugly head on tumblr too. Especially concerning Scott's character, which I agree with you on. Him giving up his lives is doubly interesting and in the same vein frustrating to me because half the time it doesn't necessarily even leave the recipient better off

Gem did not want to kill him in SL, but because he has a martyr complex, he made it happen anyway, disregarding Gem's hesitancy. I'm sorry but to me, in that moment he was thinking about himself first and Gem second, which is how I think he regards every single one of his sacrifices. Especially when you contrast that with the Mounders, where Pearl rooted for Bdubs (and Joel but mostly Bdubs) and suggested herself being killed for Bdubs once things got dicey, but it never coming to it. Pearl so deeply wanted for Bdubs to win, and Bdubs, although not very confident, wanted to as well for Pearl. There was never any pressure involved in that unlike Scott's last minute and frankly kind of random sacrifice. He wasn't that low on hearts and Gem would have stood a much better chance against Pearl and Scar with him by his side

In Wild Life, Pearl didn't feel good about taking Scott's life, and Scott basically said he was doing it to quell Pearl. Something also about the fact that Pearl wanted to decide how to do it, just as some remnant of control when she really didn't have any for almost the entirity of Wild Life

In Limited Life, Scott was ready to give up that life he'd promised Jimmy, but then used it to try and coax Jimmy into telling him he loved him. And Jimmy has had a few other people give up their lives for him, Bdubs out of selflessness and Ren out of a promise for an allyship. And yet the only sacrifice Jimmy has even referenced after the fact, is the one Joel had planned but didn't even succeed with. That holds more importance to Jimmy than Scott's sacrifice, which I think says something

And of course, Scott blowing himself up in Double Life. Because Pearl deserved the win more than he did, he says without giving Pearl much opportunity to speak, taking control of the ending that was supposed to belong to Pearl

It's all very interesting to analyse, his character is super intricate and unique in this sense, but it does unfortunately become more frustrating paired with his unchanging selective framing of events and putting down of other characters through no wrongdoing of their own etc

[periprose]

i kno its not everyones cup of tea but would u ever do tasm!peter parker as a baby girl dad?? like reader and him are parents to a baby girl 🥹🥹 maybe even pregnant reader!! ajfdhjfd i have many thoughts but i kno again not everyone likes pregnancy/baby stuff

yeah maybe!! honestly I had a dream about this once. It was pretty cute and I can see myself writing something about it lolol. I love babies and pregnancy stuff tbh. If it was feasible financially I'd love to be a mom too!! Baby fever goes hard lol

and I just know tasm Peter would be so good at being a dad... he would love that lil baby to pieces.

Like just imagine him balancing his work and little baby Mayday (just abusing the canon baby name here lol sorry MJ) on his knee. She's full of giggles and wandering hands constantly touching whatever tech he's working on.

And Peter's all gentle so he pulls her away with soft hands, not wanting to dissuade her, just for her safety, but he secretly loves that his daughter clearly takes after him.

"Who's gonna be a cute little inventor, huh? Is May-May gonna take after her papa Peter Parker?" He jostles her around and she shrieks with laughter.

Eventually he'd set up a LEGO block corner for her so her hands can stay busy. And Mayday loves building things, so eventually Peter looks over to see just the top of her red hair, as she's mostly obscured by the giant LEGO wall she built.

And he's be so proud, the first thing he would do is show you when you get back home from work:

"Look at what May made!" He would hold her up and she'd grin really proud as they both motion towards the big wall she made in the corner of your bedroom.

"Aw, you wanna be an architect like Mommy?" Because of course you'd be an architect in this scenario, and it would be a hilarious, small-fake-beef between you and Peter. And Mayday, not really processing your sentence, nods, adding to your shit-eating grin.

"Uh, no, just wait until she gets into software. Mayday's gonna be a coder like her Papa." Peter fixes his glasses and side-eyes you. Mostly jokingly.

"Well, I don't see any tech embedded inside the LEGO wall." You coo at Mayday, who's reaching towards you from Peter's hands. "You want to build beautiful, artsy buildings in the heart of the city like Mommy, right?"

"Nuh-uh." Peter puts on a silly, girly voice mimicking Mayday, placing his face behind her as if his voice is really coming out of her. She bites her thumb, laughing. "I wanna be like Papa because coding actually does something."

"Hey!" You pull Mayday out of his hands, with a falsely offended gasp at his audacity to use Mayday in his propaganda. "Housing important things is something, you jerk."

"Yeah, but it's not an action executed by a program, is it?" Peter prods your shoulder. "Architecture is cool and all, but it just... is."

"Wow." You blink. "Why did I marry you?"

"Papa?" Mayday tilts her head at you and you burst out laughing, rubbing your face against hers.

"Yeah, May."

"Cool." She points to him, and you roll your eyes, as Peter takes this with some nerd-afflicted ego.

"Yup. Papa cool, May."

"You so told her to say that." You shake your head at him, and he shrugs, pulling the two of you into a hug.

Whatever Mayday does, you know you'll both be proud of her.

(NGL I could write this into a whole actual fic if we want it, instead of a blurb lol)

[chongoblog]

Weird question, I know, but do you have any recommendations for getting into roguelikes? Or at least roguelites?

Great question! As far as the genre of roguelike/lite goes, there’s a pretty wide berth. I think it depends on what kind of experience you’re looking for.

I was gonna give a breakdown of lite vs like, but honestly I’m just gonna go down the list

Hades/Hades 2: Very good if you want to experience a story, tight gameplay, and be pretty sure that you’ll make your way to the end eventually without ragequitting. A lot of its charm comes in it being easier and focusing more on progressing story than Just Being A Wall like some of the other games on this list. Probably the best entry point to roguelikes in this whole list.

Spelunky/Spelunky 2: Remember when I mentioned a wall to throw yourself at? I haven’t played nearly as much Spelunky 2, but I can tell you that I have SOOOOO much time in the first Spelunky (hell I had a lot of time in it back when it was freeware. Now THAT was an exciting time). It’s very very difficult and unforgiving. But it’s a blast once you figure out the tricks.

Slay the Spire: THE deckbuilder roguelike. A ton of roguelikes nowadays have deckbuilder elements and I feel like a lot of it comes from this game. Can’t recommend it enough. If you’re looking for other deckbuilder roguelikes, you can try Monster Train or Balatro (warning this one is crack if you like Number Go Up)

FTL Faster Than Light: You know Star Trek? Imagine if you were a ship captain and you were in control of all the ship functions and crew members. And also everything wanted you dead. And uh oh half your crew is dead. Oh god the O2 chamber is on fire. Another one of those “Throw Yourself At A Wall” type games. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever completed a run myself, but it’s a wonderful experience every time I pick it up

Skul: Definitely one of my favorites in recent memory. A fun action platformer where you get to be a lil skeleton dude, what more could you ask for? Very similar to Dead Cells, which I’ve also played, but I think I like Skul a good bit better (DC is very good though!!!)

Dicey Dungeons: Made by the same guy who did VVVVVV, Dicey Dungeons is a very fun take on the genre, basing it around dice, and allowing for a lot of creative playstyles around the mechanic.

Binding of Isaac: I feel like this one needs no introduction, but in case it does, BoI takes most of its inspiration from the original Legend of Zelda. I have a few issues with it myself which is why I don’t play it nearly as much as I used to (mostly due to it having soooooooo much stuff that trying to remember everything is a hassle, kinda like my issue with TF2 unfortunately) but it’s beloved for a reason so it might just end up being up your alley

Other games I know about but haven’t played much of, so I can’t say much are Streets of Rogue, Risk of Rain 2, Rogue Legacy (I did play a lot back in the day but never got far), Noita, Into the Breach, Darkest Dungeon, and Crypt of the Necrodancer

If anyone else has any recommendations or if you second any of these recs, feel free to put em in the replies

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 13

Hit Me Hard & Soft

A/N- Hiii! Remember I will be posting a new chapter every Thursday. If you’d like to be added to a tag list, please let me know! Don’t forget to like and repost! <3

Remy’s POV

I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, trying on the costume that I ordered. I was going to be sexy Scream. Billie was going to her party dressed as Todd from Bojack Horseman and insisted that I dress up as Princess Carolyn, but honestly I just wanted to go for something more… I don’t know, sexy?

I take a picture and send it to her, hoping for approval.

Immediately I get heart eye and fire emojis, followed by a FaceTime call.

I answered, pointing the camera at the mirror and posing in different ways. “What do we think?”

“Hot. But you’d look hotter as Princess Carolyn.” Billie teased.

I rolled my eyes, reverting to front camera again. “Too bad, Todd.” I stuck my middle finger up at her, then set my phone up on my dresser pointing at me from the waist up. “What time are you getting here tonight?” I asked, unzipping my costume.

“Around 10, probably.”

Turning around to face the other wall, I dropped my bodysuit around my ankles. “You still coming over?” I had to repeat myself, figuring she didn’t hear me. “Billie. You still wanna come over later?” I turned around, clipping my bra back on.

“Sorry, yeah. Duh.” She finally answered. “And those cinnamon rolls better be ready when I get there.” She emphasized.

“They will be. I just have to make the icing.” I pulled on some sweats and grabbed the phone, walking over to my kitchen.

“You mind if I bring someone to your party?” I asked, setting the phone down on the counter as I reached for a bowl and ingredients.

“Not at all. Do I know them?” She asked.

Suddenly my phone started buzzing. “Hold up, I gotta get this call. It’s work.”

“Call me back!” Billie said, before I hung up and answered the next call.

“Hey, Rachel, what’s up?” I held the phone between my shoulder and cheek as I mixed the ingredients together.

“Hey, Remy, is this a good time?” She sounded a bit sporadic.

“Uhh, yeah, what’s going on?” I hesitated.

“Sooo… Remember that interview we did for the digital article we were brainstorming for? The one for the app?”

“The one we did with RAYE?” I put the whisk down and adjusted my phone.

“Yes! That one!”

“What about it?”

“So, Joe wants it up by tomorrow. Something about needing to beat People magazine? An insider told him they’re publishing a similar piece with her.”

“Well, yeah, she’s definitely getting more traction.” I said, already knowing what comes next.

“I know you’re gonna hate me, but I really need you to go to the office, get on my computer, and finish the article out. Oh- And set it to be published by tomorrow in the morning!” Her high pitched voice was fast and panicked.

“Rachel, I had plans tonight and-“

“I’d do it myself but I’m all the way in San Diego at this conference thing. Its mostly done, and saved to my drafts. It’s really urgent.” She pleaded, knowing Joe would be extremely pissed if she didn’t follow through.

“Sure, I’ll be on my way in a little bit.”

“Ugh! You’re the best! I owe you one! Don’t forget to credit yourself on the article too!” She squealed.

“Oh, trust me, I won’t.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll see you later, don’t worry.”

“Love ya, girly! Thanks again!” She hung up.

I groaned, finishing up the icing and shoving the bowl in the fridge. In my room, I threw on a yellow baby tee, some wide legged jeans, and put my hair in a red claw clip. I stopped by the round mirror next to my apartment door to check on my face, fixing the minor details, and walked out with my beige crossbody bag.

At the office when I accessed Rachel’s computer, I quickly realized I had a lot of work to do. I sat for hours editing, deleting, then retyping her work. My eyes were shutting on me as I concluded the article, exhausting my brain to come up with anything impressive.

My phone began to ring, making me jump. I answered the call, my heart racing from the sudden scare.

“Hey, I just landed!” Billie sang.

“Fuck. Hey, I’m sorry, I got so busy and I’m stuck at the office right now-“

“Remy!” She moaned. I could hear her disappointment through the phone.

“No, don’t worry, I’m wrapping it up! Just head over to my place and wait for me in there. You still have my spare key, right?”

“Yeah.” She said, monotoned.

“I’ll be there so soon, just put those cinnamon rolls in the oven and by the time they’re ready, I’ll be there with you.”

“Okay, Rem.” She said goodbye.

I cracked my knuckles and rolled my shoulders back, sitting up straight. I used every single one of my last brain cells to come up with a brilliant conclusion to the article. I let the interview speak for itself and included some quotes from the amazing Raye, but I found myself in the biggest case of writers block I’ve ever had. All I could think about was how much I hated Rachel in this moment for making me do this myself, knowing Joe would give her all the credit.

Eventually, after an hour and a half, I finished what could possibly be the worst article I’ve ever written. It wasn’t bad, just rushed, and I usually don’t work well under pressure. Before posting the article, I stared at the space underneath, where credit is usually given to the writer and editor. I hesitated to delete Rachel’s name, and typed in my own. I stared at it some more, deleting my name and retyping Rachel’s full name, then my name under editor. I sighed, setting the article to be posted tomorrow morning at 8am.

I shut the laptop and grabbed all my things, rushing out the door.

When I arrived at my apartment building, I pressed the elevator button a million times, ending up at my door and unlocking it as fast as I could.

I opened my door, psyched to see my best friend, only to see her passed out on my couch in her comfy clothes. I quietly closed the door, hanging my things on the tiny rack. In the kitchen, was a half empty baking tray with cinnamon rolls. The icing was poured over, and the rolls were starting to get cold. I put them away, covering the top with foil, and cleaned up a little.

I tip toed over to my couch, wondering how she was able to fall asleep on a two seater comfortably. She was curled up in a little ball, with my pastel crocheted blanket covering half of her face. I smiled down at her, feeling awful I made her wait so long alone. I wanted to welcome her home with open arms, and fresh, warm cinnamon rolls.

I turned off the tv, and turned down the lights, leaving only my soft, warm, reading lamp on. I patted her lightly. “Billie… I’m home.” I brushed the hair that fell over her eyes behind her ear, and leaned down to hug her tired body. I buried my face in her neck and took that sweet, familiar scent in, bringing a smile to my face. I wish I could carry her to my bed, but let’s be honest, I don’t have any upper body strength. “You’re so warm, and you smell like cinnamon rolls.” I whispered.

She let out a slight moan and stretched out her curled up feet. Her lashes fluttered open, turning her neck a little as I sat up. “Hi!” I smiled ear to ear.

“Remyyyyy!” She stretched her arms out, wrapping them around my neck.

“Hiii! It’s me!”

“I missed you.” she pulled me into her chest. I crawled on top of her and laid there, propping my head up to see her.

“I know, I’m sorry I made you wait. It was an emergency.”

“You know what else is an emergency?” she said, lifting a brow, jokingly. “Me kicking your ass for not spending any time with me while I’m here.”

“Stop!” I laughed, deep down feeling awful. “No more. I’m all yours for the rest of the weekend.”

She placed both her hands on my face, looking at me for a moment, before squishing my cheeks together. “You better be.”

I placed my hands on top of hers, taking in the moment. I had missed her so much. Nothing was going to keep me from spending time with her. She deserved my undivided attention for making the time to see me. I believe she felt the same, her eyes scanning me as I smiled up at her.

“Okay. I need to see this costume in person.” She broke the silence.

I laughed, “Okay, let’s go.” I stood up, pulling her into my room.

I pulled out the costume and began to undress. Billie sat on my bed, her legs criss crossed. “So, who are you bringing tomorrow?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m probably not gonna bring anyone anymore.”

“Aw, why? They cancelled?” She leaned back on her hands.

“No, it’s not that. I just wanna hang out with you there.” I pulled up my nylon tights.

“Nah, bring your friend, Rem. We can all hang out!” She shrugged.

“Really?” I smiled, squeezing into the tight bodysuit.

“Is it Rachel?” She asked, signaling me over to her so she could zip me up.

“No. It’s this girl.”

“At least it’s not some guy.” She laughed, sliding the zipper up, adjusting my straps.

“Well, no it’s not a guy, but it’s this girl I’ve sorta been talking to.” I admitted, nervously.

I’d never really been in a serious relationship with a woman, at least not in the way I had with a man. I don’t think I’d ever told Billie I tried with girls, despite them being some of my favorite interactions. They were too short lived to bring up. I knew how hesitant she was about my relationships, and didn’t usually bring them around her until it was serious. Especially because I had been used to get near Billie before. Especially by girls.

“Like, as friends?” She turned me around, keeping her hands on my shoulders.

“No…” I pursed my lips.

“Wow! I didn’t know you-“ She blinked rapidly, looking shocked. “That’s awesome, Rem.” She let go, realizing she was still holding onto my shoulder straps.

“Yeah, it’s kinda a new thing, I guess…”

“No, I’m just… Why didn’t you ever tell me? I mean you know I’m-“ She scooted to the edge of the bed, her legs hanging off the side. “I’m sorry, this is just the first I’m hearing of this Remy.” She giggled, her eyes wide.

“Jeez, is it that surprising?” I smacked her tummy.

“Yes!” She laughed. “What’s her name? Who is she?” She pulled me on the bed, desperately trying to gather as much information as she could. “Show me her instagram!”

“Her name’s Stevie. She works at Variety with me. She’s an intern.” I pulled up her instagram showing her my favorite pictures.

“Ouu, cute.” She took the phone from my handed scrolling through her whole profile. “How long has this been a thing? Is it like a serious thing?”

“No, no. We’re just talking. She… I don’t even think she knows I like her like that.” I shrugged, laughing a bit.

“Oh, well she definitely likes you. You look her type.” She handed me back my phone.

“Her type?” I looked at her.

“Yeah, pretty girls with pretty eyes, long hair, and tattoos.” She looked me up and down, pointing at my arm tattoos.

I laughed, getting up and walking over to my body mirror. “I hope so.”

She stayed quiet, watching me look in the mirror.

“So? What do you think?” I looked over my shoulder at her.

“You look stunning. Insane.” Billie smiled at me. I could see her through the mirror, her expression turning blank once I turned.

“Is that why you didn’t wanna be Princess Carolyn with me?”

“Kinda?” I turned to her, shrugging.

“You’re such a loserrr!”

“But I’m a sexy loser.” I held my finger up in the air, making her laugh. I took a couple pictures of myself in the mirror.

“Here.” She offered to take them for me, pulling out her phone. I posed, the flash reflecting off the mirror behind me. She leaned back, getting my best angles, as always.

“Why didn’t you tell me you liked girls?” She asked, her voice soft and quiet.

She sounded a bit hurt, like I hid something from her. I couldn’t help but feel like I kept a part of myself from her.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I walked over to her, turning around so she could unzip me.

“How long?”

“Mmm… a while. You remember Cassie?”

She nodded.

“We did some things… I think that’s when I realized.”

“You never told me about that!” She crossed her arms.

“I’m sorry! I just didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” I shrugged, stepping out of my costume, pulling off my tights. “It’s not like I had anything serious with any of them. I’ve only ever told you about my serious relationships.”

“Well yeah, but-“ She stopped herself, looking disappointed. I put a giant t-shirt on over my bra and underwear, and hung up my costume for tomorrow. “You tell me everything. I told you…”

“I know.” I climbed on my bed, getting under the sheets. “I thought you kinda knew, I guess.”

“Well…” She crawled over and made herself comfortable next to me. “Now that I know… You better not hit on me.” She joked.

I laughed, grabbing my pillow and hitting her in the face with it. “You wish.” I rolled my eyes.

“Ow! My eye!” She held her face, wincing her eyes.

“Oh shit! I’m sorry!” I grabbed her face, moving her hand so I could see. “I didn’t mean to hurt you!”

“Gotcha bitch!” She licked the side of my face and rolled away, almost falling off the bed. She laughed that crazy, loud laugh I loved so much.

“Oh- Fuck you dude come here!” I kicked my feet into her back, pushing her off the edge as she died of laughter.

I got back in my spot, fluffing my pillow and getting comfortable again. She stood up, pushing her hair out of her face and plopping back on the bed with me. “My stomach hurts from laughing so much.” She put a hand on her tummy, breathing deeply to catch her breath.

My full-size bed was just big enough for the both of us, as long as I kicked off a few of my many pillows. I turned on our show, letting it run in the background as we talked a bit more before falling asleep.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” I smile, still paying attention to the tv.

“Me too.” She said, pausing to laugh at something one of the characters on tv said. “So are you bringing Stevie?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Do you think she’ll like my costume?”

“She’s going to die when she sees you.” Her voice sounded genuine.

“Do you think I should ask her out tomorrow?” I looked over at her, putting a hand on my mouth.

She looked at me, not knowing what to say. She bit her bottom lip, shrugging with her eyebrows instead of her arms, since they were warmly tucked under my blankets. “I mean, maybe just wait and see what she says. You don’t wanna push things, you know?” She advised me.

I nodded, looking back at the tv.

“That’s just what I’d do, you know?” Her eyes stayed on me. “But, do whatever feels right.” She added.

“Right.” Nod, snuggling closer to her, laying my head on her shoulder. She yawned, letting me know it was getting late.

A silent while later, I lift my head to see a passed out Billie. After turning my tv and lamp off, I lay my head on my pillow, facing her. She peacefully slept with her mouth slightly open and a furrow on her brows so soft, you could only tell if you looked close enough. I smooth it out with my thumb gently, watching her lick her lips and grunt. Her body turned towards me, our chests parallel to each other. She sloppily threw her arm over me, her fingertips resting on my lower back, which my oversized t-shirt had left exposed. I pulled the bottom hem, attempting to cover up, even though it didn’t matter anyway.

The last thing I saw before shutting my eyes and drifting off, was Billie’s face. She always made soft angry or worried faces in her sleep. I had so many pictures on my camera roll of her funny faces during naps. I smiled thinking about the party tomorrow, and how I get Billie for the rest of the weekend.

I took a mental screenshot of my view and dozed off.

[reagi-df]

Part 5 / Part 7 Sorry its short, rl gets in the way but also, this one was supposed to have come out with the other once, but as I was saving it it crashed and I lost it all 😭 so have a late reunion! But also! it seems my AU has gotten into the @tmntaucompetition , ngl I was surprised, I suck at selling myself but I'm really enjoying doing this comic and I loved to compete it. Never done anything like this before so its all new to me but I do have some plans for this au, I have said much about it cos again such at also explaining myself XD BUT there is definitely going to be a lot of angst for the twins both present and future but I'm determined to get to the good bits, its been a little slow at the moment mostly due to my impulsiveness and not really haven't the plot down, I'm chaotic when I draw/write but ive got ideas I want todo and there's some stuff that I'm excited to draw. I'm excited to see how this competition goes and going against other peoples aus. AndIt would mean a lot if this did well, I'm excited to see how this competition goes and going against other peoples aus. It would honestly make me happy to see how far this could go, You'd show Cleo just how much he deserves love, this boy is gonna need it for what I'm going to put him through.

sum dyslexic so I hope this makes sense

[dzvelinaskebiyars]

hii, I don't know if requests are open or closed so if they are closed feel free to just ignore this, but I wanted to request Manjiro sano with a reader who has ADHD if your up for writing it, and have a lovely day ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

Yes they're open and thank you for requesting<333 People deal with ADHD differently and there might not be every symptom or be a symptom that some ppl with ADHD might not experience. I mostly wrote about problems/symptoms that I experience so I hope it's okey for you!

Okey when he'd first out, he'd be confused asf because he genuinely doesn't know what's ADHD so he'd question you about it if you're comfortable enough. I swear he doesn't mean bad if he'd question you, it's just he genuinely doesn't know and if it's serious, he can't help you if he doesn't know, right?

He'd still search up about it in Google to get detailed explanation with its symptoms, causes and treatment.

He'd be very understanding about it, he'd try to be understanding and supportive. Tho he's not exactly the greatest when it comes to dealing with mental health issues, he'd try his best with you.

Usually, if somebody were to interrupt him mid-sentences then he'd be very annoyed but, again, he'll be understanding with you. If you'd interrupt him, he'd just go silent and start listening to you.

He'll tell you it's okey if you'll be guilty about interrupting him. He knows you aren't doing it because you're rude, so don't worry, he completely understands you.

Many people with adhd tend to have little or no sense of danger so he's here to protect you and help you out!

Honestly, he also misplaces and forgets where he puts his stuff sometimes, that's why he has Emma. He wouldn't be much of a help with things like that but he would search with you.

He doesn't have a problem with repeating what he said and wouldn't make you feel stupid or deaf just because you couldn't catch his words. (I need him irl)

Of course he'd be frustrated sometimes, like when you'd interrupt him a lot, or maybe when you're speaking and jumping from topic to topic. I mean, he's also human and ofc he'd be frustrated at some things but he'd try his best to don't show it.

If he accidentally were to make you feel like a burden or something, he'd genuinely be so guilty and would try to make up with you. He'd be guilty because he has no right to be frustrated with you for something you can't control, and he knows that it's a lot harder for you to deal with yourself than it is for him.

When you're hyperactive and like can't sit still, especially in quiet surroundings, he'd take you somewhere else, somewhere where you can be hyperactive freely.

He has noticed many times how you zone out of conversations and before he'd know that zoning out was one of the symptom of ADHD, he'd thought that you disliked when he was talking about something. He realised how stupid he was for thinking like that after learning more about the disorder. He genuinely doesn't know what to do when you zone out tho, like is it okey if he'll snap your out of it or should he just wait until you'll snap out of it on your own? He genuinely doesn't know which one is better option so he ends up going quiet.

He'd be overprotective of you ngl, since as I said, you have little or no sense of danger and he'd never forgive himself if you ever get hurt because of his lack of attention. He'd be quick to blame himself if that happens.

I swear he'd gladly beat someone up if they point out symptoms. Like if someone said "Didn't I already give you instructions?! How many times do I have to repeat myself?!" he'd genuinely be annoyed by that person and would immediately jump in the conversation and say "just repeat one more time. It's not that hard." and etc.

He'd be soo happy when he'll see the progress, even if it's small thing such as zoning out less, being able to focus easier or not forgetting things that you usually do. He'd genuinely be so happy!

[pearlofthewoods]

Spuffy band-fic ramblings (long-post)

I think about this scene so frequently because…"Well, I sing.” 

Yes, of course he does. That man was a poet, he could write such gorgeous lyrics, and no one can tell me Spike wasn’t an active part of the rock scene in the 70s.

Honestly, a whole Spuffy band fic has been marinating in my brain for like a good 6 months now, (like seriously, it even has its own playlist, that’s when u know it’s getting real)… but since I’m only a baby writer I wanna get some writing practise in before I embark on the project, so that I can do it justice. 

However as I literally cannot keep these thoughts to myself, allow me to invite you into my brain for a while. 

(Be warned I'm basically spoiling half the plot of a future fic under the cut so scroll away if u only wanna read it when, or if, it gets written.)

So in my fic idea, there’s a huge underground vampire music scene (particularly in LA), since because vampires are immortal, they’ve lived through so many different eras of music that they have a really deep understanding of music history. They’ve seen so many famous bands live etc (which obviously is one of the few human experiences open to vampires, since so many gigs take place at night and are tied to nightlife culture). 

I’d also say that since vampires have no need to work, if they can get their hands on instruments they'd have plenty of time to practise/dedicate themselves to the craft. 

One head-canon that I have comes from the idea that Billy Idol “stole Spike’s look” from him. What if he stole something else too?

Bear with me here. 

Vampires don’t age, so they could never risk becoming famous in the human world, since people would very quickly notice that they weren’t human. Vampires need to keep a relatively low profile. They also can’t really make money easily from music by playing for other vamps, cause it’s quite unlikely the vampire scene has much money flowing around. Why would it? Everyone can just steal/mug to get what they need.

So in the vampire music world, they’d mostly just be playing for each other to stave off the boredom of eternal life, but with no worries about finances or putting food on the table. 

And dear God that music would be experimental, with none of the usual restraints of human life.

Like I think their music would be very interesting/ outside the mainstream. Perhaps they’d play stuff from entirely different decades which had completely gone out of style, but not amongst vampires who never aged/got uncool (unlike the humans who played it)….

Vampires would also have so many different first-hand musical influences that they’d create the most weird and wonderful sounds. Think Spike’s Victorian musical upbringing mixed with jazz mixed with rock, mixed with… well, you get the picture.

And tbh I think some people would try and capitalise on that, on that raw vitality. Perhaps there’s a demon who records demos secretly in the crowd or steals entire songs and sends them to someone in the know in the music industry. And since vampires don’t exactly have passports, social security numbers or any real documented presence at all, there’s nothing they can do about it. Like what if, in this fictional world, Billy Idol didn’t just steal Spike’s look, but his music too? Frankly, it'd explain the resentment.

Anyway, in my head Spike hasn’t played music for a while, he took a break to look after Drusilla and then got wrapped up in the scoobies and their shenanigans. 

But after Buffy dies? He needs somewhere to put all those emotions. He needs to write goddamn it, he hasn’t felt heartbreak like this for a long, long time. He’s not used to death, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. No vampire does.

So when he’s drinking away the pain in Willy’s one night, some demons he used to know are down from LA and offer him an open spot to sing with them at a new demon club. Spike’s about to turn it down, but they tell him things have changed. Like Wolfram and Hart, demons are all in business now, and this new club will pay.

Spike doesn’t need money… but Dawn does. Tara and Willow won’t tell him anything, (they don’t want to be put in the moral position of whether to accept mugging-proceeds from Spike), but he knows that finances are tight. And this is something he can do for Dawn, and in a way… for Buffy.

So Spike joins a band!

I think he’s probably pretty famous from his past in the 70s vamp rock scene, but this time he wants to change up the music genre. He wants a fresh start. It’s the nineties goddamn it, and he’s certainly not the same vampire he was twenty years ago. He’ll play, but he’ll play on his terms. 

I imagine his newer music to basically be Jeff Buckley’s (my fave 90s musician), which I know might seem a bit melancholy for Spike, but with his current grief, it feels quite appropriate.

Tbh since I basically know nothing about music and can’t even imagine lyrics for toffee, I'd probably even just give him Jeff’s discography and call it a day. It’s fanfic I can do what I like. Grace? Spike wrote it. Job done. 

For example, the lyrics to “Opened Once”?

"In the half-light where we both stand

In the half-light you saw me as I am

I am a railroad track abandoned

With the sunset forgetting I ever happened

That I ever happened"

Half-light = the twilight, the safest time of day for vampires (to quote Edward Cullen, sorry lol). also a metaphor for the place between the vamp world and the human world. A place where Buffy and Spike "both stand", as she’s the slayer and he’s a vampire that can’t hurt people.

‘You saw me as I am’ - After Buffy's resurrection, Spike’s the only person who truly understands what she’s been through, and the experience of crawling out of your own grave. They meet each other where they are.

‘Railroad track’ - ‘railroad spike’. Railroad is a pretty unusual and archaic way of phrasing that word. At least where I’m from. ‘Railroad spike’ is too good of a coincidence. 

‘Sunset forgetting I ever happened’ - Spike doesn’t get to live in the daylight. the sun (and the sunset) are both out of reach for him without the danger of dusting. He doesn’t fully feel like a true vampire anymore, but the human world won’t accept him either. In fact, his human life was so long ago that even the sun itself has forgotten William Pratt.

I also think Spike/ Jeff Buckley is a fitting parallel  since, if I stick to major-canon events, Jeff’s unfortunate passing very early in his career would also fit roughly timewise with Spike’s death at the end of season 7. 

The last unfinished album that Jeff struggled so hard to write? The one Spike wrote when he was getting over his ensoulment and entirely reevaluating who he is, and what that means for his music.

Unfinished final album? Yes. Unpublished? No. 

Because when he accepted wearing that amulet, Spike had a pretty good idea he was going to die. So he did something a vampire never plans to do. He wrote a will. 

If he’s dead, there’s no more worries about fame exposing his immortality right? So his music is published posthumously in the human world (with some bullshit about his talent going undiscovered by the industry during life).

And combined, the proceeds pay for Dawn’s college bills, and lift all of Buffy’s financial worries from her shoulders. 

In the end, that’s Spike’s last gift to Buffy, his music, his poetry…and it finally allows her to rest.