#but holy shit that was a dopamine rush!!!

[icarusredwings]

Thinking about Wade being one of the best mercs that there is job completion wise, his ratio must be somewhere close to 1:53 seeing as that's how unlikely he is to not complete a job one way or another right?

I feel like this ultimately is terrifying to actually witness.

Logan seeing just how much work Wade puts into his job and hearing stories from Vanessa of finding him sharpening knifes while staring at her while she slept in dead silence or finding maps, photos, very detailed plans laid out about his next kill down to where he lives, how long it would take for the police to reach him if he uses his gun and how difficult it would be to clean up if he used his katanas, etc. Everything is laid out from the second he steps out the door to the moment he gets back home.

Now Al's blind. So he gets into the bad habit of leaving everything out, giving Logan the chance to snoop, looking over the plans only to realize- holy shit. He has everything from how many vents are in his house to which neighbors might be a problem AND plans to deter them.

He comes to realize that all that over thinking Wade does and his one track mind makes him the perfect killer. Most killers have other motives. Wade just needs the dopamine of completely the task and moving on to the next one.

I can see him coming out of the bathroom to see Wade sharpening his tools while looking absolutely pissed but he's just focused.

"... wade?"

The once scrunched face man glances up at him and suddenly has the most confused puppy face before smiling. "Hi Wolvie. Finally awake, sleeping beauty?"

"..you good?"

"Hm?? Oh- Yeah I just got a job later." And thats all he says before going back to glaring, frowning at the metals, trying his hardest to get it damn near perfect.

You never really would expect someone so affectionate to be so serious about killing people, even taking intimidation jobs these days, as well as working for children.

And he never is kidding about the price that he sets. Sometimes, the price is calculated based on time and the amount of ammo he'd be using. Other times, it was a supreme pizza with banana peppers. So when he gets back he will be expecting his pizza with banana peppers. Dont let him down.

This works out sometimes. Other times, he gets too excited and says he'll do it for significantly less than what he should charge, but hey- it's all about that rush of serotonin once the jobs done. Nothing else matters.

[charmre]

HOLY SHIT, OUR TEAM WON THE PB&J CHALLENGE WE GOT ASSIGNED AT ORIENTATION!!!!

We got little medals 😭😭😭

[momentomori24]

THEY ARE SO INSUFFERABLE AND HORRIFIC AND AWFUL BUT SO AMAZING AND DORKY AND THIS PART IS SO UNFAIRLY FUNNY AND CUTE AND WHOLESOME-- PLEASE, PLEASE HAVE MORE SCREENTIME IN S2. PLEASE LET THEM TAKE OVER THE SHOW. I KNOW THEY'RE HORRIBLE PEOPLE BUT I NEED MORE OF THE VEES.

And the most important scene of them all (to me):

First of all, how is Vox doing that. Second, you just know that these two douchebags are going to bang so hard with Alastor getting his ass kicked replaying in the background after this. I hate them so much.

[hold-on-a-little-longer-whump]

OMG can everyone please send me good vibes right now??? Was just incredibly bold and asked a guy out via message. Actively trembling. Idk what I'm doing. Help.

[biohazard-inevitable]

The plus side of being too busy to watch shows or get super deep into any games is that I’m so active that my only media consumption is audiobooks at work and at school so I can finally get in on all those funky book fandoms!!! :D

[kenonade]

guys idk if u can tell but i did not have english today…

[buam]

This is the kind of thing worth campaigning your local government about (eg townhall) because it’s a win/win for everyone, including the town. When people say “think global, act local,” this is what they mean.

its been p common knowledge for decades that light pollution can be massively reduced by just putting shades on streetlamps, and that doing that would save energy, help wildlife, and let us see the stars better, but are society says if u wanna change any minor little tiny thing u gotta dedicate ur whole life to campaigning for it and this is a good ways down the list of priorities for most ppl, so instead i gotta walk past newly-installed streetlamps that are just dumb glass globes that use half their electricity to blast half their light directly into the sky where it does only bad things for no reason and think "we should overthrow the government"

[moths-in-a-coat]

born to be a blind box figurine collector

forced to be a biologist

[iknowher]

⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀i miss you, i'm sorry ೀ

──ㅤ🤍ㅤ۫ㅤ ͏cheater! gojo who isn't loyal at all 𓉸ㅤ۫ㅤwc.ㅤ:ㅤ1,618 reader's note.ㅤ:ㅤit's quite rushed and short. also it's my first post so requests and constructive criticism is highly appreciated!!

it started with him telling you that he’d be on a mission. you didn’t think he’d be gone for that long. you checked the last time he was here. it’s been approximately 1 week, 4 days and 9 hours. you gave up trying to wait, it was miserable without him home. you decided to text him.. you, 07:24 pm: hey you, 07:24 pm: when are you coming home ??

… no answer. he’d usually respond within minutes— usually seconds. you text him again.. quite desperate now. you, 07:30 pm: gojo you, 07:31 pm: please answer you, 07:36 pm: hellooooo? ! ! ! after a few minutes, a notification sound came from your phone. you got a little dopamine rush, hoping it was gojo. and thank god, it was.. satoru ml ❤️, 07:41 pm: god do you ever shut up satoru ml ❤️, 07:41 pm: you’re so clingy i’m actually sick of you huh? you double-checked the contact name in hopes it wasn’t gojo.. but it really was gojo. you felt confused, why was he acting like this.. like a dick? you felt your eyes swell up. suddenly, yuki texted you. you didn’t feel any more energy to text anyone anymore— but you decided to open it anyway. yuki girlboss duhh, 07:50 pm: um hey girl.. you might wanna see this yuki girlboss duhh, 07:51 pm: (attachment added)

you opened the attachment, feeling your fingers shake. as soon as you open it, you felt a pang of disgust course throughout your body. the picture showcased gojo in a white suit— wait, holy shit.. is that a prada blazer..? you could just tell that his whole outfit probably costed thousands. his hair looked more well-kept than usual.

and there was a girl sitting at the same table as him, she probably also wore an expensive dress.. but you couldn’t really care less. the only thing you cared about was him basically cheating on you. you heard rumors about gojo being a player in highschool, but he was so charismatic— so you decided to ignore it. big mistake. you were so stubborn. literally everyone warned you.. however, you just ignored it. you, 08:02 pm:  oh. ty

shit, you hadn’t realized it but you were on the couch, crying till all your mascara was drooping on your cheeks. you were.. ugly crying.

you were watching your favorite show, 13 reasons why.. you probably rewatched it 4 times by now. and to add onto your already bad mood— you were playing I miss you, I’m sorry in the background.

though your phone was on mute, you couldn’t help but check if anyone texted you. unfortunately gojo did. Satoru Gojo, 01:10 pm: sorry that i said that Satoru Gojo, 01:12 pm: but i have to be real, we should break up … you were torn about insulting him or blocking him— but luckily, you took the more mature route. you, 01:13 pm: kay. why though? within seconds, he responded

Satoru Gojo, 01:13 pm: let’s be honest. this isn’t working. I’m busy and i don't see us continuing as a couple. i’m really sorry you clench your jaw before letting out a scoff, you knew damn well his ass was with another girl, having the time of his life.

you, 01:13 pm: shut the fuck up *you blocked this contact number. tap to unblock* nevermind. you took the immature route you felt the next stage of a breakup, anger and resentment. you opened your instagram, me_and_gojo it was an account where you posted basically all your lively moments with him, gojo. you changed your username to: me_and_myself before taking a good hour or so to delete every post, cleaning everything up. you looked at his account, though there were no posts of him and that girl— you still felt spiteful. you blocked his instagram account too.

…after a couple hours, you woke up at 6 am or so. you rubbed your eyes, seeing that the tv was playing a random movie recommended by netflix. you grabbed the remote, turning it off before grabbing your phone again.. but this time, it was geto, gojo’s best friend. geto, 05:32 am: hey girlieee geto, 05:32 am: i heard you broke up with gojo. I’m rlly sorry for that (i personally think gojo’s in the wrong for that) geto, 05:33 am: but anyway, he wanted his stuff back from your house.. I think he’s moving somewhere else? you let out a sigh, knowing that you’d have to talk or atleast see gojo again you, 06:05 am: oh. alright. you, 06:05 am: when is he coming exactly? geto responds in a few minutes

geto, 06:11 am: he says he can come in an hour or so geto, 06:11 am: just to lyk, i hope you can recover a faint smile appears on your face, but it quickly disappears as you see in the phone reflection how your makeup basically got ruined.. damn, i should invest in some waterproof makeup, you thought to yourself. you quickly head upstairs to your room, grabbing some micellair water and a cotton pad before rubbing it on your face, your makeup disappearing in a couple seconds. as soon as you finish, you hear the doorbell ring. that must be gojo. you felt dread, not wanting to see gojo’s stupid ass face after everything that happened. you hurried downstairs, before opening the door to see gojo, standing casually in front of your house. you felt his six eyes stare at your face. you tried to hide your expression of disgust.. but you could tell he knew you weren’t happy with him being home. he waved awkwardly, ‘’hey, i guess.’’ you ignored him, giving him the silent treatment as he walked in. ‘’oh.. I see, not being very talkative today, eh?’’ he lets out a dumb chuckle. everything that made you love him gave you the ick now. ‘’just.. do your thing.’’ you mumble under your breath. you notice him carrying a couple of big boxes, but even with that— you knew it wouldn’t be enough. ‘’eh alright. it’s gonna take some time, though.’’ he emphasized. as he walked nearby you, you could smell his jean paul gaultier cologne.

the moment you smelled it, you felt dizzy because of how strong it was. highkey, it was suffocating. you made a face of disgust, but you quickly turned around and sat on the couch, looking at him as he walked upstairs with an empty box— and in a few minutes he was downstairs with a full box you were unsure that could even be taped shut. this process continued for more than an hour, until he finally spoke up. ‘’hey, i’m done now. have a good life, alright?’’ he says before walking out the door. you quickly waddled to lock the door and head upstairs, curious how the room you first shared looked like now. you never noticed that most of the stuff in the house was from gojo. everything was and looked so empty— it didn’t feel homey anymore. fast forward to a few months or maybe a year later, you still weren’t really over it yet. honestly, even though gojo was annoying as shit, he fulfilled a spot in your heart nobody could.

he was arrogant, sure, but he could also be an absolute sweetheart at times— and let’s not forget the time when he spoiled you at your birthday. you felt so lucky to be his girlfriend.

maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t find anybody like gojo again. all your friends told you, ‘’girl there are so many fish in the sea’’ and all that bullshit. but, you also knew, if he was really your soulmate— he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

after your initial breakup, you couldn’t really care to take care of your looks, usually having messy hair and little to no makeup each day you went to work. maybe being single would be better, cause then you wouldn’t have any heartbreak anymore.

until one day that you walked out the door, deciding to walk to work, it wasn’t that far from your place anyway. you saw geto, but you noticed that he looked kind of.. sad? and he didn’t even care to put his hair up into a bun.

you stopped him in his tracks, wanting to greet him. ‘’hey geto.’’ you smile awkwardly as he glances up at you. ‘’oh. hi.’’ he says, trying to act polite.

‘’eh.. what’s up?’’ you ask him, wanting to know the reason behind his dampened mood. ‘’oh.. you haven’t heard?’’

‘’gojo died.’’ those two words felt like a truck crashing into your heart. ah.. you hated him, sure, but you didn’t exactly want him to die.

‘’huh.. when.. why?’’ you ramble, before geto interrupts you. ‘’well he died, like, a couple days ago. and why? meh.’’ geto shrugs in a nonchalant way. ‘’he died because of a mission. he was being kind of cocky— he thought he’d be able to kill sukuna.’’ you cut him off, wondering how he could’ve died— i mean. he has infinity, six eyes.. he’s basically immortal. right?‘’hold on— how?’’ ‘’hey, i don’t know either.’’

and from that day forward, you had to live with curiosity. who was that girl he was on a date with? how did he even die? but deep down, you knew you would never get an answer on any of your questions. you unblocked him, just to send one, last, message.

you, 06:03 pm: i miss you you, 06:03 pm: i’m sorry. *this contact number has been deleted, your message could not be delivered*

ㅤ🗝ㅤwork belongs to @ iknowher﹐do not plagiarize my work !

[nekropsii]

🔥

Dancestors

[For the Unpopular Opinions Ask Game!!]

Okay, this may come across to some as harsh, but I don’t care. You asked for Unpopular Opinions. This is one of them. It’s heated. It needs to be said.

The way people continuously searched for reasons to get mad at the Alpha Trolls and still to this day continuously search for them to the point of literally fucking making shit up is embarrassing. The fact that people- fans!- use them as their little scapegoat for “everything wrong with Homestuck” is embarrassing.

The way people will make up and pass around straight up lies about the Alpha Trolls just for the sake of Outrage Farming is embarrassing. The fact that these are all taken as truth, more so than the literal text of the Alpha Troll plot lines, simply because people didn’t have anything else to yell at that week, is fucking embarrassing.

I once watched a pretty good Homestuck video essay on YouTube. It was a great time. The premise of it was basically a retrospective on Homestuck and it’s plot in broad strokes, and why the whole thing is good and cool and you should read it. Very nice. The speaker had a lovely voice. And then, for some ungodly fucking reason, right at the end, they started going on some very long winded, incredibly wrong diatribe about the Alpha Trolls and why they’re the worst thing that’s ever happened- parroting, with rage, common lies I’d seen for years and sprinkling in some brand new brain fungus, all like it was fact. The dude called Porrim, Porrim fucking Maryam, an MRA. Porrim fucking Maryam was reduced down to a whiny Men’s Rights Activist who didn’t know shit, and Kankri Vantas was correct about everything, suddenly. Horuss’s main problem was that he was a mockery of Otherkin people. Otherkin people! As if the fact that he’s a mockery of Systems is less important!! The reason for this is clear- that motherfucker, and every god damn other person making essays about how the Alpha Trolls are The Worst in the whole ass 2020s, have not actually read or played through the Alpha Troll segments for shit. They have no go damn clue what they’re talking about, and they don’t care. They don’t care about being right, or making good points and observations, they care about being mad and getting engagement. It is literally completely performative.

It completely ruined the entire essay. And for what? And for fucking what? The Alpha Trolls are, for the most part, wholly irrelevant to the story, sans Aranea and Meenah. You can skip over them and miss nothing. They are not “the worst Homestuck has to offer”, they are a skippable fucking footnote, and everyone needs to get a god damn grip. Holy shit.

At this point, it really feels like most of the anger and hatred is only still parroted around blindly because it’s just tradition at this point. No one knows what they’re talking about, and no one cares. Why would they? This is what gets them the little guaranteed dopamine rush of other idiots just looking to be angry agreeing with them blindly, just for the sake of being really mad at something that doesn’t matter and no one will face check. God damn. Grow some eyes and read the comic you’re criticizing before criticizing it. Grow a damn spine and get your own opinions. This is not hard.

The Alpha Trolls are rife with things worth criticism. No one is talking about any of them, because no one cares to actually read it and gather an insightful, meaningful opinion on them from literal direct observation and analysis. They just care about being mad, and saying something very outrageous confidently enough that they seem right. It’s not that they don’t have anything worth criticizing, it’s that almost everything people are criticizing them for either doesn’t matter, is wrong, or is a lie.

[fullbattleregalia]

As always in gaming, I’m showing up years late to the party and losing my mind over a game that everybody has already discussed to death. But I am a huge Star Wars fan and guys.

Guys.

THIS GAME! IS BLOWING! MY MIND!

I haven’t had this much of a dopamine rush since I first played Breath of the Wild! (Which was the first game I ever really played.) Like, holy shit. The ART! The voice acting! The writing so far! The game design! I feel so immersed in the world! Also, Cal is just a really endearing character - I get why he shows up in so many Star Wars fics now. I’m having such a good time!

[pastafossa]

Charlie Cox experience at Philly Fan Expo 2023

So LET”S TALK ABOUT ME MEETING CHARLIE. I’m actually going to make two posts - this one just about my experiences with Charlie, because they were incredibly meaningful and deserve their own post, and then another one about the rest of the con!

I’m going to talk about Charlie first, because of how amazing the experience was, one of the best I’ve had, especially at the autograph table. I’ve done photos, gotten autographs and such before from other celebs - from niche voice actors I loved to people like David Tennant - but this felt Really Really Big. Obviously, I was nervous as all hell because holy shit Charlie Cox, my favorite actor whose work altered the course of my life. I won’t lie - I’d been practicing what to say to him in case I freaked out, but I’m happy to say that everyone who reassured me it would go great, because he was so, so genuine and kind, were right.

The photo op happened first (and thank you to everyone on tumblr guiding me where to go, cause I was LOST about where that was happening), and that went fast. By that point in the con hall, I’d already ditched my Jessica Jones jacket and gloves cause holy shit it’s hot and I am a creature of snow and ice, and my hair was a mess, but honestly I didn’t care, cause there he is. You don’t get long, but he made the most of it and he was SO sweet. Ya’ll, he asked my name, said my name as he shook my hand, and called me ‘my dear�� in that beautiful voice.

I was literally on the moon, but it was time for the big question:

Will he hold the red thread from TRT?

So in a quiet, nervous, soft author voice, I asked, ‘would you be ok with holding this end of the thread?’

HE FUCKING DID.

HE HELD IT.

HE HELD. THE. RED. THREAD.

I’m fairly certain he doesn’t know about the fic at this point - he wasn’t sure where to hold it until I told him, but he loved that it lit up! AND THEN HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME AND I GOT TO PUT MY ARM AROUND HIM BACK.

I’m fairly certain I’m dead in the photo. My soul had left my body. I had ascended. I saw Jesus and he looked like Charlie. I had achieved fic author heights never imagined. My brain filled with enough serotonin and dopamine to sink a ship. I didn’t care that I was hot and sweaty or that my hair was messy or that my cosplay didn’t work out like I’d planned. I had been blessed.

also look at that forearm holy shit

I floated outta that gd room ya’ll. I’m pretty sure @wonderlandmind4​ did the same. WE FROLICKED OUT OF THAT HALL LIKE

But things got even better at the autograph table, and I had one of the most touching experiences ever.

not me tearing up thinking about it.

That line was long, but I kept getting glimpses of him and I could already tell he was enjoying interacting with people, and he was making sure everyone got their bit of time with him instead of letting anyone rush people through. He was so happy looking, laughing and grinning, high fives and fist bumps for kids, chatting with fans. Which made me feel a little more confident.

I know some people wondered if I’d tell him about TRT, and I’d already decided I wasn’t going to. Instead, I really, really wanted just a second to tell him what his work as Daredevil had meant for me, as someone who became disabled around the same time Matt did as a kid, and who related to... a lot of what Matt went through in the show. I’d practiced it over and over again, and there was only a fifty percent chance I wouldn’t start crying while telling him, and I wasn’t even sure I’d have time to tell him depending on how much time we had.

He made time.

I got up to him with my art print holy shit he’s even more beautiful in person and his eyes are STUNNING. He said hi, and asked my name so he could personalize the autograph if I wanted (DUH, YES PLEASE), and he apologized about the line after we shook hands. I jokingly told him it was fine since I’d driven hours to get here. A little time in line wasn’t a bother. He even loved one of the buttons on my lanyard - the button of Matt wearing a heart crown specifically! And as he was writing, I knew this was my chance to tell him. He was still signing, so I just decided to go for it in case I ran out of time.

“I just wanted to tell you,” I said quietly, “as someone who became disabled as a kid around the same age as Matt did—”

And then he did something I didn’t expect, something I’d rarely seen anyone do, famous or not, and something I’d never had an actor or artist do for me.

He immediately set down the pen, leaned in close over the table, and made direct eye contact, while giving me the most genuine, gentle, encouraging smile I’d ever seen.

In that moment, I knew everything in him was listening, that he cared about what I was about to say and recognized that this was important to me, and that he’d closed the distance to make this conversation just... us. It felt personal in a way I’ve never experienced at a con or signing.  

Just like that, I wasn’t afraid to tell him what I’d wanted to.

“And as someone who related to... a lot of what Matt went through, his struggles in the show, and especially the dark parts of season 3,” I said, more confidently now, “I wanted you to know that all the work you put in, the way you played it, the way you played Matt and treated it seriously, seeing that helped me process and heal from a lot of my own trauma and pain over what I’ve gone through with my illnesses. What you did was important and it really helped me. So I wanted you to know that, how much that meant to me, and to say thank you.”

The whole time I spoke to him, he kept direct eye contact, and didn’t look away once. He didn’t get antsy, or look like he wanted me to hurry up (which I’d have understood, cause damn, these are long days for him). He listened, fully engaged and leaning in, his eyes warm and soft and kind but incredibly serious. I’m not sure how often he’s been told something like this—a lot, I expect; his portrayal was just that good, and I know it was important to a lot of fans—but what I was trying to tell him clearly meant something to him. I felt heard, seen, and understood.

Charlie really does care about his fans. It isn’t an act. I’m sure of it now.

“Thank you, truly,” he said, just as quietly but with that honest smile, eye crinkles and all, and seeing it in person, that close up, I swear the room felt ten times brighter. “Thank you for coming to tell me that. It means a lot, the idea that something I did meant so much and that it could help you. I’m so grateful that you were able to come visit and tell me.”

We shook hands after that. He wished me a good day and I told him thank you again, and that was that. The interaction only lasted maybe a minute, but it meant the absolute world to me, as did what he’s done as Daredevil. And now he knows that.

[waywardsou2]

I just finished The Bad Batch. Season 3 Episode 15. The finale. Man that was a wild ride. And it was amazing, seeing Wreaker work though all of that pain he was in, seeing Hunter get yeeted by scrap metal, seeing Crosshair's FUCKING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. All of them working so hard, Echo working with all the clones to fight for his brothers and sister. Emery deciding that she was going to try and do better and work with her brothers and sister. AAA.

WE SAW A SNIP IT OF TECH. Im sad we didn't get to see him for real but it was good enough, I knew as soon as Hemlock takes about project necromancer I suddenly knew where Tech was!

Older Omega and Hunter at the very end

CROSSHAIR AND HUNTER EXHAUSTED AND SO FUCKING SHAKY GOING AFTER AND FINALLY FUCKING SHOOTING HEMLOCK. THAT BITCH.

Seeing Wrecker break out of the confinement was some of the coolest shit I've ever seen. I was hocked watching the progression oml.

OMEGA BREAKING THE ZILO BEAST OUT. O H M Y F U C K I N G G O D S some badassery right there. I love her so much.

I'm so glad the kids got out too, I was so attached to them. holy heck I'm so glad they are ok.

DUDE THIS WAS MAD AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT

I cannot believe when it first came out I watched about 4 episodes and got bored. I come back to it a year or so later and BINGE THE WHOLE THING AND IM SO GLAD I DID.

I love The Bad Batch so much. I'm so happy for them that they got to have a family in the end, even if Echo was still out there and Tech wasn't with them. They got to be a family. I would do anything to be a part of that squad.

I would sell my organs just to get a hug from each of them. You have no idea. How much they mean to me.

I've never been that big on Star Wars, the premise was amazing to me but I just could get into it. BUT DAVE FILONI HAS RESTORED MY FAITH. His work has got to be my favourite out of the entire franchise.

I need to draw so much art of these guys soon and probably some one shots or head canons. I'll definitely be hoping for requests on my writing blog so if you wanna request something go for it.

Oh my god, this was a huge ramble but it needed to happen. I am so happy right now. The amount of stimming and how much I bit myself while watching that was insane and the dopamine is rushing through my veins right now.

[drdemonprince]

sex party anon here- it was amazing!! i’ve never felt so comfortable with myself and my body as i just did in a room full of naked men who are down to clown with what i got down there,

the dopamine high of being fucked buy one guy while surrounded by 4-6 others who all wanna watch and touch my pussy while they wait their turn…. literally my biggest fantasy come true

(even one of the cis bottoms took a turn on me just to try it)

holy shit dog this is hot as fuck. congrats!! it really is kind of a rush being such a center of attention and desire right??

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hail sex witch! I recently went in for my first pap smear/pelvic exam (prior to which I read your blog posts about them which helped more than I can express, thank you!) It was overall comfortable and I would even say a good experience because they answered a lot of questions I had and explained some basic stuff that I really needed spelled out for me. The only thing was that for a few weeks after the appointment I didn't want to touch/look at/think about my vagina whatsoever. It was just this weird feeling of vague but powerful embarrassment, which I would have expected during the appt itself but not after the fact. I didn't even want to catch glimpse of myself when undressed, and was showering with the lights off lol. Even though this didn't last long I also do not want to go back to those doctors and want to start over with a strange doctor, even though the doctor I saw was very good and likeable and helpful and absolutely nothing unpleasant happened during the appt. (I don't plan on changing doctors; I liked these ones! But there's still this unreasonable urge to book my next appointment somewhere else).

I know a big part of your philosophy seems to be that "is this normal" is often not a very useful question, but I guess that's what I'm asking anyway - is this a thing other people experience? Is it just part of the experience of being in a somewhat vulnerable position with strangers, no matter how much you trust said strangers? Or is it some weird quirk of my brain that I'll have to adjust for in the future? It didn't interfere with my life overmuch, but it's still a very strange thing to be so uneasy with your own body and have no idea why.

hi anon,

so, okay, I'm going to tell a short story, and it's not going to seem related initially, but I promise it is.

I really like getting tattoos. I have several of them now, and I like getting them! not just the final result of having meaningful art on my body; I like the actual process of feeling the needle vibrating into my skin and permanently changing me in a manner of my choosing. it feels good exciting; it gives me a little rush of dopamine even as the pain starts to kick in and in spite of any blood that oozes through. that's fine with me, because those are side effects of new tattoos that I know about and consent to by showing up in the shop, but here's the thing:

my body doesn't know the difference between "somebody cut our skin open and we're bleeding (consensual)" and "somebody cut us open and we're bleeding (holy shit go into crisis)." after my last tattoo, I was walking home (I live like ten minutes from the shop, it's fine) and although I was delighted, I realized I was also lightheaded and cold, and upon getting home was fucking exhausted because my body was, you know, panicking in the way that bodies do when they've been injured. on one level I understand that this is something I explicitly sought out, asked for, and paid for the privilege; on another level, my body thinks a trauma happened.

so, let's talk about what's happening with you.

on one level, your exam was an appointment that you made, presumably, voluntarily, knowing full well that it might be uncomfortable and awkward but undergoing it willingly because you know that preventative care is important. even know telling me about it, you recognize that this was an objectively good and even comfortable experience and that you received good care from doctors that you like who answered your questions and gave you helpful information!

but on another level, what your body knows and is responding to is that you were in a new situation in which your body was subjected to examination and penetration that you're not accustomed to, in a way that may have caused aches and pains you've never experienced before. pretty understandably, your body is under the impression that something traumatic has occurred.

the reactions you're describing - feeling alienated from your vagina, not wanting to see your own body - are often described by people who have survived sexual assault; it's a coping mechanism to distance yourself from the site of your pain. likewise, wanting to avoid going back to the physical place where the discomfort occurred is understandable - it's not rational, but who cares? feelings rarely are; you still have to deal with them anyway. it's completely understandable why you would subconsciously want to avoid going back.

it is very important to me to say this: it's absolutely fine that you are reacting this way. you're not being unreasonable or immature or overreacting or anything else; this is not your fault and you have nothing to blame yourself for or to apologize for. we're going to feel these feelings and be observant and respectful, and feel them without shame rather than try to bottle them up and ignore them. give yourself the space to feel discomfort and be kind to yourself while you work through it.

you've said that this has largely passed, save for the urge to book your next appointment elsewhere. I'm glad this isn't an ongoing source of daily unpleasantness, but it is very much something to be aware of for the future. some people, for various reasons, need to plan for some extra-strength gentleness and self-care around their pelvic exams and pap smears, and if you're one of those people then that's fine! and very good to know!

it's useful information to have for the future, and I hope that next time you're due for such an appointment you can a.) arrange to do whatever makes you feel most cared for afterwards (for some people it's netflix and a bubble bath, for others it's rock climbing, chase your bliss) and b.) stay in touch with the healthcare providers who gave you such excellent service this time. as intimidating as it can be to bring up concerns, it sounds like you were lucky enough to have a lovely bunch, and it sounds like asking them for any extra accommodations you may need to help put you at ease and keep the procedure as quick and painless as possible will be received well.

those accommodations can also look like a lot of different things. the first time I got a pap smear I prefaced the exam by letting my gyno know that it was my first time, penetration isn't pleasant for me, and that I'd likely swear a lot throughout; she was an angel about it. at my most recent exam I was having a rough time and asked for a break, which my (very cute, very gay, god what a weird way to meet a woman) gyno was happy to provide; she removed the speculum and I did some centering breathing until I felt good to finish up.

so, to answer your questions a little more neatly: yes, this is a thing other people experience for a variety of reasons, especially when their body thinks it's been hurt - which, in a way, you were, because your body is very good at being a body but not always great at nuance.

I think it's a little of column a, little of column b, in regards to your second question. maybe there is a part of your brain that will never feel fully at ease with this kind of vulnerability, but you can certainly help it feel safe and cared for as much as possible. I hope that having a little insight into why can help you do that.

[jojotichakorn]

archer rewatches nlmg: episode 4

[episode 3]

knowing palm, he would have gotten involved, even if it was actually someone he didn't even know. albeit, he probably wouldn't have gotten so... into it. but that's not the point currently.

those were solid 30 seconds of hand-holding. i know what palm will be dreaming about tonight.

The Smitten Cousins (official name) when the teacher talks about love confessions

love his handwriting

oh yeah, let's pretend you weren't standing there for a solid minute, watching his arms flexing and water dripping from his hair

*laughs evilly*

tell ben to fuck off and maybe we can talk about how "lonely" you get in "your room"

palm is dying cause he has a massive crush on nueng, meanwhile nueng's like "why are you disrupting my plans to touch knees?"

yeah, he is really into the story of star-crossed lovers of different backgrounds who weren't allowed to be together... for some reason! can't imagine why!

i'm pretty sure that's our answer right there

he is so!!!! which btw, huge shout out to him for acting like a normal person, when his crush says he likes someone else. i know some adults who can't even do that.

@ jojo babe, thanks so much for these shots 🙏

yup, like i said! sense of validation and a dopamine rush

it's kind of unhinged and mean of them to not show us that palm saw nueng and ben at first like... babyboy is struggling and first-time viewers don't even know why yet!

i'm gonna beat myself to death with hammers, it was nice knowing y'all

palm looks genuinely DEAD INSIDE during this conversation, these are the most hollow, lifeless eyes i've ever seen on a living person, holy shit pond

excuse me while i go DROWN MYSELF IN THAT RIVER

you know nueng is gay cause he's very explicitly thinking "i liked kissing a boy" and "i like palm very much" and so his conclusion is that he should continue kissing the first boy and do absolutely nothing about palm

look at this man who is totally happy about the way his current relationships are going. the dog in the manger by lope de vega core happening right now for real. (i love a reference no one will understand).

this is the most insane thing nueng has said to date. like this was the moment when he was truly on thin ice.

real and true!!

[episode 5]