#but god. the queer rep at the time of its release. the way i was OBSESSED with it as a kid

[lightningfilledsaber]

yeah fuck it i'll watch steven universe again

[operationfortune]

Okay I know this post will gain absolutely zero traction but the more I think about it the more I want to cry about it??

slight spoilers for one of the character arcs in Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre ahead,,,

So I saw Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre in the cinema today. I was alone, it was reasonably full, the film technically only opened two days ago, and it's wider release isn't for another week, but I had time to kill and it was the only thing that piqued my interest. It sits in an interesting spot tonally, comparative, I'd say, to Netflix Exclusive Michael Bay movie 6 Underground, though to use a more recent marker I'd drop it somewhere near Bullet Train (though it's definitely much closer to 6 Underground). All this context to say that I went into this Jason Statham-lead espionage action movie with zero expectations and almost completely blind.

So please believe me when I say I was truly blindsided with joy to have canonical, casual queer representation in this Jason Statham-lead espionage action movie.

Maybe it's that I don't watch a lot of media now, but it's something I noticed while watching Glass Onion too, both with Benoit and Hugh Grant (ha, put a pin in that) and especially with the character of Peg, and it makes me a bit teary and excited when I think about it. There's something to be said for how far we've come, to the point that Casual Queer Rep is even possible. There's something about watching Peg get all flustered talking to Helen and knowing that it's because she has a crush, without it having to be flagged, spelled out, or otherwise othered by the film or its writing.

It's normalised.

Which I know shouldn't be a big deal, but right now, to me, it is. I didn't realise I could feel this way; to see a full character who just so happens to be gay, where the plot doesn't revolve around her being gay, but that part of her identity is still made clear?? I love Peg so much holy shit.

But Glass Onion is the second in a series that has established itself as a forerunner for casual diversity. Let me tell you about how Operation Fortune made me want to YELL in theatres.

It's the 8th of January, and it might be a bit early to call it, but Danny Francesco might be my favourite character of the year.

Is he perfect? God no, he's objectively not a great person; he's sleeping with his sister-in-law, he's a Hollywood diva, he's demanding, and he (spoilers, seriously) ends up engaged to a war criminal. Who happens to be the main antagonist. Who happens to be Hugh Grant. Danny is the light of my life, however, and I love him with my whole heart.

So in the beginning we're told that Danny turned down $10m because he didn't want to jump out of Greg (Hugh Grant)'s cake and sing Happy Birthday; whatever, I thought, Greg is a rich, eccentric with an obsession with celebrities, and Danny is the biggest star right now, I shouldn't read anything into it because Sometimes Rich People Just Do Things For Status Reasons. We're also told, and subsequently shown, Greg tries to take celebrity's partners/girlfriends. Cue Sarah (Aubrey Plaza) in a bright red dress that I will dream about for the next month.

Also, in the scene where Danny, Sarah, and Orson (Jason Statham) are joining the fancy party, there's some distinctly fruity vibes between the three of them, but I'm not here to push my Orson/Sarah/Danny polycule agenda, just know that I have one.

So obviously Greg is excited to see Danny, but later makes a Very Distinct Pass at Sarah, inviting both her and Danny to stay with him for the weekend, with an implied Wink Wink Nudge Nudge.

While they end up taking him up on that offer, Danny, who started the film having refused Greg's Rich Weirdo Request, and now having to spend time with him for the job, finds that he actually genuinely likes Greg, who appears to genuinely like him back, doting on him, even giving him gifts.

When Danny says to Sarah "(I'm paraphrasing, about Greg) he's really into you! If you don't take him up on his offer then I might!" my eyeballs were Out Of My Head. Like sure it sounds like a joke that would be written in to simply highlight Danny's materialism, a whole 'gay for pay' joke, something about his vanity, or even just an offhand joke that I might hear one of my straight friends who were super comfortable and confident in their sexuality say about their best friends, I was So primed for this to be something that the audience could laugh off or dismiss in hindsight. Like in my mind that solidified my headcanon of Danny as bi, but I was so used to queerbaiting and years of being told I was reading into things.

So as the plot continues, Danny's fondness for Greg goes on, turns into something incredibly genuine, and looking back, he clearly has a hero-worship crush on Greg by the end of the film.

The last shot we see of Danny and Greg is the pair of them getting into an elevator after Greg pulls a stone cold power move on the films secondary antagonists, which he had Danny assist with for flare after Danny asked specifically to stay with him for that event. In the elevator, Danny tells Greg that that was "the coolest thing he's ever seen someone do" and that's the last we physically see of them.

HOWEVER!! THE ICING!! THE CHERRY!!

At the very end of the film, one of the protagonists mentions how he's gone into the film industry, and the response he gets is;

"You better not be talking about Danny Francesco and his fiancee Greg Simmonds!"

an accurate depiction of me as the credits began to roll;

WE WIN THESE!!

BOTH DANNY AND GREG ARE CANONICALLY BI/PAN IN THIS JASON STATHAM-LEAD ESPIONAGE ACTION MOVIE IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2023!! THEY BOTH LIVE UNTIL THE END!! THEY'RE ENGAGED!! THEY'RE BOTH ABSOLUTE DISASTERS!! THEY'RE BOTH FULL, ROUNDED CHARACTERS WHO HAPPEN TO BE QUEER!!

I get choked up thinking about it now, considering how quietly overwhelmed I felt in the theatre realising that Danny and Greg's comments and moments throughout the film weren't some elaborate joke, the dialogue that reminds me of my friends, the moments that felt true to my life as a queer person, they werent the setup for any kind of homophobic mixup, miscommunication, or microaggression; no, I finally, actually felt like I saw a part of myself, of my community represented in media.

Everyone in that movie is terrible in their own way, but Danny and Greg just happened to be terrible people who are also queer. Are they perfect representation? No! Thank fuck! I think we deserve more dumbass, disaster, unethical queers in media.

Even if I don't necessarily recommend this movie (it's pretty okay if you're a fan of the genre I suppose), I subjectively love it and especially it's characters, with my whole entire heart.

Danny Francesco is canonically a dumbass, bi disaster who fell for his sugar daddy, war criminal Hugh Grant. Good for him. It's what he deserves. 🥰🥰🥰

[bumblebeerror]

brooooo ignore that guy

anyway the broadway musical suffs has this very meta quality where it has a major plotline about tokenization vs representation and is tokenization better than no representation at all – ida b wells and mary church terrell are the two sides of this argument, where ida criticizes mary for participating in the "white womens' convention" and mary says "if i wasn't here they wouldn't even mention race," and this is an ongoing storyline that they never resolve ofc because its fucking complicated, but ANYWAY the fascinating thing is that in the off-broadway production, there were 2 characters they ended up cutting, a chinese woman named ms. wu and one hispanic character, and they ended up cutting them essentially because it would be fucking difficult to fully explore those stories while keeping the show in a certain time limit!! there's so many other plots already, and they were, essentially, token racial minorities, even if the creators did want to make visible the diversity of the suffragette movement. so tokenization vs representation on and offstage. *sprints away*

Oh my GOD that sounds AWESOME

That’s such an interesting way to bring up that issue too! And I like the idea that (from your summary) neither idea is dismissed as bad entirely, because both have merits when it comes to continued viewership and awareness, and even how good rep at the time becomes something tokenizing!

Sort of like how I’ve seen newer queer folks openly dislike The Rocky Horror Picture Show because of how the characters are portrayed as exceedingly camp and exaggerated, and because the word “transsexual” is used instead of transgender - but on the flipside, the characters are also shown to react to each other positively, to be confident and comfortable with themselves, and Dr. Frank-N-Furter is clearly shot and portrayed as a powerful, sensual, attractive person. As characters in their own right they are good rep, especially for the time it was released - the straight couple is the object of the jokes here, we’re laughing at their reactions to these characters, but we are also of the understanding that the Dr and his associates are our “horror” element, the discussion goes on and on.

I LOVE the idea of a production openly questioning that kinda shit, thats an AWESOME premise

[snellyboi]

Steven! At the Disco! How we talk about Steven Universe, Disco music, and the passage of time

FAIR WARNING: This post is very much a post for myself - but if you really wanna hear me get into pop music history and reputation issues then be my guest.

For a long time, in the mid to late 70s, Disco was IT.

You could find disco music anywhere. It wasn’t there like, ‘hey, this is a genre we all think we know about’ like Philly Soul or P-Funk earlier in the decade - this was CHART TOPPER shit.

We think it was all funk and stuff before Dsico, but the charts were DOMINATED by acts like John Denver, the Carpenters, and Debby Boone. Before you look them up they’re not funky in the slightest. 

And out of NOWHERE, here comes this black, gay roots music from city centers, and unlike other black, gay roots music from earlier in the decade it just explodes. You had disco movies, disco TV shows, even a song like the YMCA was able to become a perennial hit despite its clearly gay undertones. White kids from Columbus were popping their old copies of ‘Farewell, Andromeda’ in the used bin to scrounge up for the last copy of ‘C’est Chic’.

But then, the walls started to crumble. Studios picked up any act who considered themselves a disco act. Shit like ‘Disco Duck’ got released. And when they tried to make Disco in England? It went bad. And they still shipped it over here, because Disco was seriously all over the place.

Putting Disco in your band’s liner notes was like putting STEM in the subject line of your fine arts grant proposal email; it doesn’t matter HOW shitty it is, it’s getting a green light.

And people got TIRED of it, mostly because the bad stuff was REALLY BAD and the good stuff was UNAVOIDABLE. The fact that it was black, gay roots music in a time when the country was shaping up to head into the ultra conservative 80s didn’t help, either.

So some chump DJ named Steve Dahl, along with baseball promoter Mike Veeck, got a bunch of records together, on the night of July 12th, 1979.

And burned them.

At a White Sox game.

(Funnily enough, the sox lost that night to the Detroit Tigers, 9-5)

Disco was Dead.

...UNTIL about the mid 90s when critics started to revisit some disco records, and other acts from the era, wondering if we’d been too harsh on the. Had we? The answer was YES, DEFINITELY YES, OH GOD YES. As it turns out, oversaturation is seriously bad for ANY sort of media. But with Disco, it was counter culture enough, in a counter culture America generally doesn’t like, and it was just getting...all over the place. With that and studios rushing to get their money’s worth out of a genre they weren’t willing to support correctly, they drove it into the ground. Disco never stood a chance.

Nowadays, we all see it for what it was - another genre of music. There’s good disco, bad disco, in between disco (it’s mostly in between btw). Just like ANY genre of music, there’s duds.

Disco isn’t perfect, but it’s not some awful by default genre because a bunch of studio execs pushed out crappy albums and novelty records.

~

...does this sound familiar to you?

In the mid to late 2010s, Steven Universe was IT.

You could find Steven Universe content anywhere. It wasn’t there like, ‘hey, this is a show we all think we know about’ like Regular Show or Korra earlier in the decade - this was TRENDING EVERY DAY shit.

But over time, just like disco, cracks formed - weird discourse about stuff happened. There was so much Steven Universe stuff ALL OVER THE PLACE, ALL THE TIME. It couldn’t be avoided. Then we got mad about queer rep, and then mad about villains, and mad about all sorts of stuff. But for some reason it was NOT normal mad.

I think it was oversaturation again.

Either way, it exploded. We got videos of people calling the show garbage for 2 hours straight. We got people harassing production staff. We got people getting into serious, DAYS LONG FIGHTS over what clothes a character wore. There was no Steven Universe Burning Night at, like, a Mariners game or whatever, but it was just as significant.

And now...here we are again. Steven Universe went from the best thing, to the worst, to something that was the best again because it was a pioneer in its field, which is NOT, by the way, what I’m disputing.

For a long time I remember HATING Steven Universe Future - the ill-fated last season of the show, cut short due to network heads - and I still do despise it, with a fiery passion (Though, that probably has to do with my personal tastes, as opposed to its genuine quality).

But I also remember hating ALL of Steven Universe for a while, too. And sure, it had its duds. Oh, sweet buttery Christ on a dinner roll, did it have its duds. But so does, like...everything, right?

Steven Universe isn’t perfect, but it’s not awful or some horrible piece of media either, certainly not because it had a few bad episodes and some missed opportunities here and there with the villains.

...but Disco took DECADES to reach its re-evaluation. Steven Universe has been off air, for, like...less than half a decade.

Will media’s re-evaluation periods continue to speed up, and slow down? I think so. And while I’m not sure it’s a good thing, I think we’ll have to adapt.

[rheic-arts]

Just something I've been thinking about - hell knows I don't actually talk here much but tumblr is a wonderful place to spitball - is, like, Disney villains? How everyone waxes nostalgic for the queer-coded gems of the 90s renaissance and dismisses the modern twist villains? I have a theory.

First I reccomend checking out other posts and videos explaining the origins of the Hayes code and how only villains could be queer coded etc etc and that 'no rep is worse than bad rep' explains a tiny part of it. Those posts are way better written than mine and I'm tired.

Second is that villains just objectively get better songs and all are welcome to fight me on this but villain songs just slap so much harder.

But my theory comes in two parts. 1 - the old Disney villains were FUN, whereas new ones are SERIOUS. and 2 - campy, extravagant, loud and dangerous villains are a unique brand of queer *power fantasy*.

OK. Seriously. Old Disney villains were murderers, theives, backstabbers, tricksters and they fucking revelled in it. There was NO mistaking any second of screen time that these guys were having a blast being themselves - and as such anyone watching is going to be caught up in it! We're going to be entertained! Which is the point! Of a film! Arguably watching Ursula pull out ariels voice or Maleficent casting lightning from her tower was WAY more entertaining than the romantic tension between two leads we damn well know will snog at the end.

Modern villains like Bellwether and Callaghan spend most of their time onscreen pretending to be nice. They're still fulfilling their roles as antagonists, but now they're boring to watch because they're actively trying to come across as ordinary. Until their reveals - in which they show themselves (esp in Bellwethers case) as bad people. Which is less entertaining than a splash of real world depressing - like. Damn sheep lady if I wanted to watch lying rasicts get into power underhandedly I'd turn on the news.

Old Disney villains were escapism - camp, loud, entertaining escapism that let you live in a world where people can legitimately drop bangers out of thin air while monolouging about their planned regicide (be prepared) and it was the regicide that made you the villain, not the camp performance.

On to point 2 tho -

As a smol baby bi at the tender age of seven watched Jafar slay his eyeliner routine while manipulating the sultan, saw Ursula become a hundred feet tall with a deep booming voice and the power of all the seas, saw maleficent become a full on dragon and hook nearly stab a child onscreen - you know what that tiny child wanted more than anything? Especially given in mind she was seven and would have no concept of queerness for nearly a decade?

What that tiny child, who was connecting so much harder to the villains than the protagonists, wanted, was that kind of power.

Bear in mind im whiter than a snowflake so these films were absolutely targeting my demographic, but for ages I hated being asked if I wanted to be a princess. Like, no?! I wanted to be kick ass! I wanted people to notice me, respect me, be in awe at what I could do! Be Afraid Of Me!

(it is worth noting that I am extremely competitive and had just started karate. The thrill of paid for violence is intoxicating, but we're deviating from the point here.)

As I've grown older that wish for respect has mutated into an altogether healthier drive to do well at work and to generally be a good person. That wish for fear has made me killer at Halloween decorations and costumes.

But now that I'm 25, quite comfortably bi and experimenting with Agender pronouns, what brings me back to the old villains is that despite being drawn in the era where being LGBTQA+ on TV got you dead they were unabashedly themselves.

Look I barely have to code switch or pass for straight and have grown accustomed to my queerness in a wonderful age of acceptance, and I STILL find that kind of cackling-shrieking-delight a BALM for my soul. That kind of self acceptance, self CONFIDENCE, to be outwardly proudly different to the point of revulsion to the masses is such a power fantasy I can't even describe.

I can't imagine someone not becoming sick of hiding and hurting, sick of living a lie out of complete necessity, and not wanting that desperate karmic release of paying back that pain tenfold with no consequences. Damn right you should be scared of me! I'm everything you hate and I hate you right fucking back! The fantasy of dropping your moral compass into the dirt so you can finally feel good about your existence keeps me warm at night, and I'm the child who cried when my dad accidentally stole a CD because I couldn't bear the thought of getting in trouble.

Who doesn't look at 1959's sleeping beauty and just gaze in awe of how much Maleficent fills the frame and commands attention, respect, even as she inspires fear?

You're an absolute liar if quick witted, fast talking, God of inevitable death Hades didn't make you laugh in the way sassy gay besties do even as he tried to kill a baby. We're all going to die, might as well be as ourselves, right?

I've lost where I'm going with this. Just. I feel like new generations are seeing queer coded villains as 'being gay is bad' which was legit the intent in the 40's! While getting the most rep media wise in living history. It's like this unspoken ability to relate to the vibes in media while not condoning the villains actions (because its fiction. There's no need to condemn or not, because its a story and we had absolutely NO power to change the Disney megatitan trajectory, so we took what we could and ran with it) is slowly getting lost to takes so fucking flat that you could bowl some skittles across continents and not get a bump.

Idk, power fantasies about capes, eyeliner and having horns while committing crimes is very very cool. I'm going to go watch pirates of the carribean and look at the clothes I desperately want but will be forever too scared to buy. Cheers.

[colorful-yarns-queer-stories]

Wayward Son: You’re Probably Going to Hate Me for This

A quick caveat: This post took me almost 8 months to write because Wayward Son wrecked me that thoroughly. It left me that much of a mess, reeling that hard over how very wrong it went after Carry On. This post reflects those kinds of feelings from a queer reader, so if you love the book and feel extremely positively toward it, this post is not for you. Just keep scrolling and go on to enjoy your day. Your opinion is valid. If Wayward Son left you feeling sick, betrayed, and worse than before you got it, maybe we can commiserate. If you’re teetering back and forth on whether to read it, this post offers you the worst to look at opposite the best. If you don’t want to hear it, don’t read it. It’s that easy. 

On September 24, 2019, I was practically shaking when I opened my eyes and began setting up my cozy reading nook. I requested the day off work, cleared my entire schedule, and settled in my comfiest sweater and blankets with a fully stocked tea cabinet to read what was, for me, one of the most highly anticipated book releases of the year. I pre-ordered a signed physical copy of the book, the audiobook, even got the collectible patch. I could not WAIT to sit down and read the healing story of Simon Snow’s cross-country queer road-trip with his boyfriend Baz and his best friend Penny. I was so excited to see how Simon was helped on his road to recovery from the trauma of the previous book. Rainbow had psyched us up so much to see how things would get better for our favorite Chosen One, despite how hard his journey to mental wellness might be.

Oh, reader. I was so naive.

Now, before I go into my complicated emotions about this book, I need to clarify something. This is not really a book review. This is a brief and personal  examination of how queer characters and audiences are advertised toward vs. what product/representation they receive. Because Wayward Son? As a book, it was solid. Great story, great conflict, great characters. A Very Good Book. But it wasn’t the book we were advertised.

If you are a member of the LGBT+ community, you know what it is to be queerbaited. Shows advertise as though there will be LGBT+ representation, market these stories as queer love stories or stories about queer people learning to love themselves, but in the end, those promises are never delivered upon, leaving LGBT+ audiences open to attacks from cishet fans mocking them for hoping for representation in the first place and reminding LGBT+ audiences that their stories will never be center-stage unless they are fetishes, jokes, or tragedies. (Teen Wolf, BBC Sherlock, and The Cursed Child are just a few immediate examples that spring to mind.)

Rainbow Rowell did not technically queerbait. She wrote two LGBT+ main characters! They got together at the end of the first book! She delivered, right? Mmmm, not quite. Yeah, Simon and Baz got together at the end of the first book, and it was wonderful and heartwarming and hopeful, even if it was still a little bittersweet. After all, that’s realistic right? And they are both still the main characters of the second book. They are still together. She kept her word, right? Wrong.

Rainbow Rowell marketed us a hopeful cross-country road-trip with the Chosen One’s boyfriend and best friend in pursuit of healing and recovery for Simon Snow after he was left traumatized and adrift in the wake of saving the magical world. Well, we got a road trip. He did have a boyfriend and best friend present, sort of. Healing? Hahaha no. None. Not even a little bit. We were promised recovery and hope. What we got instead was a whole lot of Queer Suffering. Literally hundreds of pages of it.

Look, part of writing solid representation is being aware of the cultural and political climate in which you are writing. After the 2016 U.S. election, the LGBT+ and POC communities came under massive fire from the U.S. President, the federal government, and all of the devoted bigots who have loudly and violently sworn themselves to the cause of rooting out and eliminating every minority present here in the States. Since 2016, minority communities have done nothing but suffer under attack after attack over and over and over again. If you look at the majority of books published for LGBT+ audiences since 2016, you will notice that most of them are geared toward messages of healing, of hope, of strength in the face of adversity, because that is what we need given the reality of our existence right now. We need strength, we need hope, we need healing. We exist under a constant barrage of hate and vitriol and violence, and the number of hate crimes being committed against minority communities have risen consistently through the entirety of this Presidential term. So when we are marketed a book about hope and healing, by god we are putting faith in you to deliver on that promise, that commitment you are making to us as a community. We are trusting you, giving you our money, our time, our emotional commitment.

Wayward Son did not deliver on those promises of healing and hope and recovery. Nothing positive happened to any of the characters in the book. Nothing. What hope? What healing? What love? You made Simon and Baz essentially strangers planning their breakup from chapter one, not to mention their individual suffering you attached to their own identities (Simon as ex-Chosen One, Baz as a vampire). You made Penelope Bunce lose her partner of several years. You forced Agatha Wellbelove into a traumatic kidnapping specifically imitating and amplifying her brand of trauma from the end of Carry On. Every single character in your book was a minority (LGBT+, POC, QPOC, women), and every single one was forced to suffer even greater trauma this time with no reprieve or recovery from their previous experiences. YOU MARKETED THE BOOK WITH A FU**ING PRIDE PATCH ONLY TO HAVE YOUR QUEER CHARACTERS PLANNING THEIR BREAK UP FROM CHAPTER ONE. WHAT ABOUT THAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE PROUD OF? Did you even take the time to become aware of the big tropes aimed at queer characters by straight authors? Of either burying your gays or making them end up apart? Of why it’s wrong to use your female characters constantly as damsels in distress (I thought you wanted Agatha to be the opposite of that, but here she is being the damsel in distress AGAIN)? Rainbow, YOU were the one who wrote Agatha hating her part in the Chosen One BS. You wrote her hating danger and magic and you wrote her escape only to reel her right back in? Wayward Son felt like Rainbow Rowell hitting the “Undo” button on all of the positive rep she gave us in the last book and replacing it with loads of misery just because cynicism is “In.”

If someone asked me to recommend a YA fantasy for their teen with solid queer rep, a diverse cast, and healthy messages, I absolutely would have had no problem recommending Carry On. I have, in fact, put it into the hands of LGBTQIA+ teens on multiple occasions. I could not, however, recommend Wayward Son. This book was the antithesis to Carry On and destroyed everything I loved about the original. Was Wayward Son, from a literary standpoint, a good book? Absolutely. But I cannot in good conscience recommend it to any LGBT+ readers, especially given the current political and social climate in which we live. Maybe the third installment will be a fix-it. Maybe things will get better. As for me, though, my faith in this author’s representation of minority characters was broken with Wayward Son.

What kills me about it, though… the thing that really just tears me up inside… is that if she had marketed it to us as, “Lol you’re all going to suffer, this book is totally going to hurt,” I would have been okay with it. I love TJ Klune’s books, but they tear your beating heart out of your chest and then feed it back to you by hand. His books hurt. The difference between him and Rainbow Rowell, though, is that he advertises them that way. When he writes something painful, he markets it as painful. When he writes something soft, he markets it as soft. We know we can trust him because he makes realistic promises and then delivers on them. Rainbow did the exact opposite, promising us recovery and giving us nothing but several hundred pages of pain for literally every single character involved. How are we supposed to trust you now? Honestly, for my part, now I know I can’t.

I’m sorry if this is upsetting. I know lots of people (if they ever see this) are gonna be VERY, VERY angry with me for writing it and for feeling this way. But this is my honest take on Wayward Son: the entire book is one giant trigger, and I think that, until there is anything at all positive to offer in its place, that it’s better for LGBT+ and other minority readers to avoid this one. Maybe wait until the next book or stop after Carry On. If you are a member of a minority group and struggle hard with mental health issues, this might be one to avoid for now.

[karnsteinreview]

SERIES REVIEW: The Custard Protocol by Gail Carriger

The Custard Protocol on Goodreads

Book Order: 1) Prudence, 2) Imprudence, 3) Competence, 4) Reticence

Release Years: 2015-2019

Format I Read: audiobook

Number of Books: 4

Genres: Steampunk, Historical Fantasy, Comedy

LGBT Rep: Lesbian (the main character of book 3; a minor character in 1, 2, and 4); tons of gay/bi minor and secondary characters throughout; trans woman minor character

Synopsis: A sequel series to the Parasol Protectorate (which is also very good), this series is about a steampunk version of England where vampires, werewolves, ghosts, etc. exist and are just part of society in a ridiculous way that comments on how ridiculous Victorian society in general was. The main characters were all in some way raised by various supernatural beings (that you’ll know of if you’ve read the Parasol Protectorate) and begin traveling the world on a giant dirigible on not-so-secret secret missions to find other supernatural creatures that need aid of some kind, and they pick up so many queer people along the way.

Review: 

I’m not so quiet about my love for everything Gail Carriger has ever written and the fact that they get gayer and gayer with every book. Now that the last book of the Custard Protocol is out, I felt I should talk about it. Writing a review for a fourth book in a series that’s main focus is a m/f romance though would have been awkward, so I’ve decided that the best way to do this is to review the whole series. This isn’t something I’m going to do often, especially if I’m also reviewing the individual books, but for the case of these books, I think it better to review the whole thing at once, and I may do so again in the future.

Where do I even begin? I adore these books so much, and the fact that they continued in the same vein of the Parasol Protectorate without being the Parasol Protectorate: The Next Generation is fantastic. Though 3 of the 4 books focus on m/f romances (I’ll get to the one that doesn’t) queer characters are there from the start and more and more keep showing up. Heck, both members of the m/f couple that books 1 and 2 focuses on have gay parents, and for the most part, being queer in some way is unnotable unless you’re trying to romance someone and need to know their preferences. Because in a book about late-Victorian England where vampires, werewolves, ghosts, and who knows what else exist publicly in polite society, who cares what gender you’re into.

Competence (Book 3) revolves around my favorite character who turned out to be gay, and the book was released on my birthday, so it’s my personal gift, really. The central romance of this book is a f/f couple, one of whom is a werecat. The book is literally about the lesbian realizing that not only is she gay, but she already has a girlfriend, it’s so good. I will say that Book 3, which deals with the lesbian who has some internalized homophobia throughout, and Reticence (Book 4), which concludes some threads from Competence, are the only places I’ve really noted that really have any homophobia that the characters have to deal with. There is one scene in Reticence that is kinda unpleasant to read, but these books being comedies, the person being homophobic is the butt of the joke throughout the scene, and I’m fine with it. Also in Reticence, there is a scene which basically gives a moment to all the gay couples that are together in the series and its pretty cute, y'all.

Language used at times might be a little iffy as well, but the 1890s didn’t have the language for gay people or trans people, and I genuinely think the books do what they can in these instances. 

Perhaps most importantly, the fact that people are out there being gay and immortal is literally why anything at all is able to happen in this series. I cannot explain more than that, but people being gay is vital to so much of the background machinations. My god, these books…

What Might Hinder You from Reading It: You really don’t like romance novels; you really like romance novels to the point where you can’t read something that pokes fun at romance novel tropes at times (but in a fun way); you don’t want to read a series that is 75% focused on m/f couples

Would I Recommend It?: Uh, yeah. Duh. I’ve been yelling about these books. Also, the audiobooks, listen to those.

[coughsyrupcowboy]

Ok let me just explain something. Nobody is upset that Adam is dead and that someones ship didnt become canon. You guys are really simplifying it and not listening to the actual complaints and have your rose tinted glasses on. Yes this is a story of war, people die, ect ect. But that's not the issue, it's much deeper and more insulting than a character dying.

So a few months ago, the voltron crew were like hyping up so much for the new season and its representation. They said shire was gay and had an defiance that we'd meet. And u know if a content creator says shit like they usually explore it.

Cut to when the new season is released. Adam and Shiro have one(1) conversation and they're having an argument. Here's where that is a bad idea from a writing standing point: this has no emotional effect on anyone. Like, first of all it's not even subtexted. They're stiff and mad and just look like roommates. We never see adam before this scene. We have no idea what their relationship was like before. And the general message there, accidental or not, is that gay people cant be happy with their partner. They always butt heads. But I guess they cant give off that message because they're too fucking cowardly to make them even touch each other or look at each other, let alone explicitly state they're gay.

I'm not sayi g u cant be gay without a partner. God, that is not what anyone is saying. I'm saying they're doing shiro dirty and never fucking stated that ANYONE IS QUEER. (This includes pidge, because her gender arc thing was a huge ass cop out. They could have explored maybe a trans man pidge, a trans girl pidge, nonbinary pidge or genderfluid pidge. But no they pulled a classic shes the man and made her a trans coded cis girl.)

The fans arent mad at adam dying. Look if adam had more lines, an actual relationship with shiro on screen, and his death served for some sort of plot or character development, I can guarantee u no one would be as absolutely livid as we are now. He gets two scenes and hes a bitch in the first and dies in the next. The shiro doesnt even liek bat an eye. He monotony says adam at his grave thingy and is on his way like he didnt just lose the man he was gonna marry.

Yes people die in a war. Yes things dont always work out for everyone. People die, people drift apart, some people arent good for each other blah blah blah. But here's the thing, the crew that worked on this show are basically the all seeing gods of this universe ok. They have the power to pick a character off and give that characters death meaning. But here they didnt choose a character to die. They MADE a character only for him to die and they decided the character that was born to die has to be a gay man. They had two gay men and they thought the best course of action after hyping the shit out of their show and clearly pandering to the lgbt youths desperately starving for any kind of positive representation.

Then only to get a slap in the face after getting THAT NONSENSE. yes people die in a war, but they had the power to pick and choose who dies in said war.

If you're cis het, I doubt this hurts as much as it does to the lgbt fans. When I was growing up, lesbian was a bad word. I thought if you said lesbian you would go to hell. On TV everyone was straight and normal, but the gays got made fun off all the time. They were the butt of jokes, used to make a point on how weird and disgusting they are. Very rarely were there gay movies or gay characters in a movie that didnt end up dying from aids, being killed for being gay, separating from their lover cuz being gay "sucks", or realizing they were gay only for it to be a phase. And as a child this sends me the message that if you are gay, you are disgusting and will never be happy. Straight people love getting off on gay misery and thinking that counts as representation. They get brownie points for killing off their gay characters.

But you know what these movies surprisingly do better than voltron did. They actually give their gay characters fucking personality and lines. Sometimes if a Straight is feeling first theylly actually use the word gay! But what voltron did was absolutely unacceptable. I'm not defending the fucking homophobic movies. I'm sayi g the bar is so so so so low that its hitting the ground and DreamWorks thought "hey if I take this jackhammer and make the worst fucking rep that anyone has seen in a while, fhats still representation and the gays will love it!"

I'm not even a goddamn fan of the show and I'm upset. My boyfriend had me marathon with him and we were both so ficking pissed.

AND ANOTHER THING!!! some of yall dont know what queerbating actually is??? Yall seem to think queer baiting is teasing your ship and not instantly becoming canon??? No it's the advertisement team looking at the scraps that lgbt get in regards to media and shoving a huuuuuuge Turkey leg in their face and then proceeding to throw it in the trash. What I mean by this is that when an advertisement team and production team realizes that a lot of queer teens are their main audience, they'll try to like "introduce" gay shit. Sometimes you get sexy lesbians only there for men to leer at. Sometimes it's two very visibly gay coded men who are bffs and then the writers give both girlfriends. And sometimes its telling fans that u have representation only to take it away immediately.

No one's upset about one person dying. No one's upset about a gay person dying. No one's upset that their ship isnt canon. No one's upset that this isnt a show for romance. No one's upset that we didnt "get the queer content we wanted."

We're upset that we didnt get ANY queer representation. We are livid that we only know shiro is gay from word of god and that people who dont have that context wont know that they were a gay couple. I'm mad that they took the only other gay man in the whole entire series, refused to even say anything obviously gay and or romantic and then killed off adam and called that diversity.

The crew seems to think gay people are just bitter or have no personality outside being gay. Once you show me a stable,happy, more than two lines obviously and proudly queer character then I'll shut up.(again if u mention pidge, fuck off)

And to the people sayi g were acting like shiro died, well here's the thing they've killed this motherfucker like 4 times and if that doesnt speak volumes of how much they enjoy making Gay characters suffer idk how to help you. ALSO DONT ACT LIKE SHIRO IS EXPLICITLY GAY BECAUSE HE IS NOT EVEN SUBTEXT GAY OR QUEERCODED SO SHUT UP AMD LISTEN TO THE LGBT PEOPLE WHEN THEYRE MAD.

[pinebeetles]

my 2018 favorites

a personal favorites list for my own benefit bc i have a shit memory

Movies: i saw a surprising amount of movies in theaters this year and finally took full advantage of Prime video and watched a ton of movies this year. Here’s some of my favs

-The Shape of Water (2017): I had to consult both twitter and my theater ticket but ya this movie came out in January (wide release). Such a magical movie, I love Guillermo del Toro’s style and tsow is just a pleasure to experience

-Love, Simon (2018): god i wish i had this movie when i was in high school and im so happy that younger queer people have this movie now

-Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again (2018): i saw this movie as soon as i got back to the US from Russia this summer and felt so many emotions during the entirety of the film. I love ABBA and their music always makes me think of my mom and gramma. 

-Crazy Rich Asians (2018): in the year of good rom-coms, this one was a stand out. i laughed, i cried (a lot), and i just loved this movie.

-The Florida Project (2017): definitely not a happy movie, but i thought it did a great job showing the parts of Orlando that aren’t part of the magic kingdom.

TV Shows: I watch so much tv holy shit

-The Good Place (2016-): I started watching tgp in January and it has been a consistent favorite all year. I actually took quite a few ethics & morals classes in college so i always get a kick out of the philosophical discussions. But omg the characters in this show are so wonderful and i would be lying if i said this show didn’t make me want to strive to be a better person

-The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017-): I have rewatched this series so many times. I really don’t like gilmore girls so i was surprised that i loved this ASP show so much. im always a sucker for period pieces and this show is also funny as hell. the midge/susie duo (in every context) is my fuckin bread and butter

-The Americans (2013-2018): i can never get anyone to watch the americans with me but god do i love this show. it’s one of the few “serious” dramas that i’ve ever gotten into and the hill i’ve chosen to die on is that keri russell was robbed of emmys/globes for six years straight bc men are scared of female characters who aren’t nice or forgiveable

-The Haunting of Hill House (2018): i love horror movies/tv/books and am so often disappointed but damn did thohh blow me away. Such a good story on top of having some genuinely scary scenes and an emotional plot line. Also like every other wlw out there im in love with theo crain

-She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018-): Last minute end of the year addition! I was so pleasantly surprised by spop since its been a long time since i was actually impressed with an american animated show. but yall Noelle Stevenson truly blessed us and i’ve been obsessed with this show for the last few weeks. I cant wait to see more in 2019. 

-Broad City (2014-): yall im so in love with abbi jacobson and i really loved s4 of broad city. so fucking funny and i’m going to miss the hell out of this show when it ends in 2019

**Special mention to the sense8 series finale. I cried hard for the entire two hours and as much as i wish we could have more, i think sense8 ended with a perfect episode and it will always have a place in my heart

***i didn’t include it bc we’re in the middle of a content drought but i still love yuri on ice with my entire damn heart and rewatched s1 multiple times this year. 

Books: i read like 5 books this year its embarrassing

-The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee: such amazing historical fiction. Mackenzi does such a good job including queer/poc rep in a positive way while also making it feel historically accurate. this series is hilarious and smart and i loved it

-Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi: I saw Tomi speak on a panel at Yallfest last year before this book even came out and when she described this as ATLA but set in West Africa it immediately jumped to the top of my tbr for 2018. and yall it was so fucking good. amazing world building, great characters, and an exciting plot. im so hype for the sequel’s release in march

Music: this was a great year for music yall

-Eurus-The Oh Hellos: the Oh Hellos are my favorite band but Eurus is by far my favorite album of theirs. I love the sound, the lyrics continuously move me and have me feeling every emotion possible. (however Dear Wormwood was my most listened to song of the year, Grow was a close second)

-Go Easy Little Doves-Brooke Waggoner: ive been a fan of brooke’s work for a long time but this year i took the time to go back and really listen to this album and i fell in love with it

-Expectations-Hayley Kiyoko: its 20gayteen and lesbian jesus blessed us with this album. I love it and i love her. I saw hayley in concert in may and it was a great experience. 

**some favorite songs of the year: Countdowns-Sleeping at Last, Ocean-Andreas Moe, Tuscan Skies-Pip the Pansy, Jackrabbit-San Fermin, Hieroglyphs-The Oh Hellos, Swing Low Sail High-The Wailin’ Jennys, In Our Bedroom After the War-Stars, Pierre-Ryn Weaver, Find Her Floods-Brooke Waggoner, Soldier Poet King-The Oh Hellos, Wanna Be Missed-Hayley Kiyoko, Telescope-Marcus Warner, The End of Love-Florence + the Machine, Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue)-Hozier, Notos-The Oh Hellos, Perish-Brooke Waggoner, He’ll Never Love You-Hayley Kiyoko

[thebookiemonster14]

a rant on ‘coming out’ arcs

okay i’ve just seen some meta about the absence of a “coming out” arc for a character in a certain fantasy series that i will not name, and the way it was worded just pissed me off honestly

i’ve written about this before HERE but i thought i’d elaborate in an angrier, more personal fashion

you do not understand how much absolute shitty lgbt ya i read between the ages of 13-15. most of it was focused on oh, how tragic it was that the character was gay and all of the tragic stuff that happened to them, like, oh, i don’t know, bullying and homophobia in the family and getting beaten up and attempting suicide.

y’know. all the kind of stuff an lgbt teen might actually go through. it’s stuff that some of my lgbt friends did go through.

i don’t want to relive that when i read.

i read to escape. to step into a magical world where all of the rules can be broken. rules of magic, rules of creation, and rules of society. namely, the rule of society that states it has to be a big deal that people are lgbt.

in the meta about ‘coming out arcs,’ it stated some very valid points about the problems this particular series had with its lgbt rep, and i accept that. but when it criticised the fact that one particular lgbt character didn’t have a massive arc in realising and coming to terms with their sexuality, i fundamentally disagreed. honestly, i would not have wanted to read five extra chapters about this character going....oh no......i have a crush on someone of the same gender......oh god what do i do???? oh yeah and there’s also a demon trying to kill me. like jesus christ, for one thing, i think characters, particularly in fantasy, have bigger things to worry about than who they, and other people, want to make out with.

and the other big thing is that i, at least, read fantasy books in particular to see rules broken. for god’s sake, if you can have a dragon or an annual death games, you can have a society that doesn’t care if two men or two women want to kiss each other. even in real-world fantasy, there’s no requirement to include a dramatic homophobia storyline when someone else in the group is being killed by evil wizards at the same time.

the first time i really found a book that didn’t have an lgbt character in a fantasy world that still had their main storyline arc over how they were coping with being gay, (yes, i’m looking at you, mortal instruments,) was carry on by rainbow rowell, and there was a reason that it actually kickstarted this blog and my foray into good books. yeah, simon discovers he’s bisexual (or queer, but that’s a whole other debate.) he’s also trying to stop the wizarding world from crumbling around him and preventing some monster from eating all of the magic. baz is in love with his presumed-straight roommate, but he’s also a vampire who’s dealing with the fact that his mother spent her whole life destroying vampires. also he gets kidnapped. by numpties. it just really showed in carry on more than anything i’d read before that you could have gay characters without it being necessarily a 100% gay book.

when i myself write, i make a personal choice to never ever write scenes where characters **discover** their sexuality and then do a big dramatic reveal to their friends about it, because i have better things to write about. namely: murder. yeah, it may not be realistic to have a story where two 16th century lords can rule a castle together and live happily ever after, maybe it’s not true to what it would have been like at the time, but is that not why we read? to escape mundane realism?

i’m not saying it’s wrong to ever include a coming out arc. i’m not saying it’s wrong that the narrative may require it, or you’re engineering the setting and the plot to make the book about that. an example of a book that does this well is release by patrick ness. this post is about when certain authors seem to think it’s required that every single lgbt character in every single setting, real-life or not, goes through the same torturous arc of struggle before they can be happy. we shouldn’t have to struggle.

break all the rules of society when you write. throw them in the bin and create your own - don’t feel like you have to force your characters through what you yourself were forced through. fiction is goddamn fiction for a reason.

(end note 1: i can understand if other people have a different opinion, and i understand if some people openly disagree. this is just my take on it, that’s all, and i wanted to get my feelings down somewhere

end note 2: i won’t reply to anyone starting a fight against this post because i am terrified of confrontation)

[mobbtown-blog1]

Destiny’s child vs. the wu tag clan (fan fiction)

Its been ten years since the release of Destiny’s Child farewell album; Destiny Fulfilled. To celebrate the anniversary, Sony Records booked a concert at the Barclay Center in Brooklyn, New York to celebrate the milestone. The girls, Michelle, Kelly, and Beyonce had not performed with each other since the Super Bowl 47 Half time show in 2013 Where the Ravens beat the 49ers. Kelly was building an international fan base with her dance club vibe. Beyonce just shocked the world with a self financed secretly released visual album and Michelle just got her eyebrows waxed at the mall. The ladies were picked up from their hotel in Williamsburg and shuttled over to the arena, by limo, early in the morning.

Their liaison, Eduardo De La Mucho, met the trio and scuttled them through the parking lot into the back entrance past an already burgeoning crowd of fans camping out in tents, sleeping bags, and trailers all decorated with images of the girls singing and whirling amiss airbrush images of the Milky Way. Although, the girls were inconspicuously dressed in trench coats, dark shoes and a vail of nondescript ball caps; they failed to allude their voracious fans, yelling and jockeying for their attention: “Kelly, I love you girl, keep repping for us co-co skin sistas, girl!” “Bey!! Bey!! Bey!! I love you Bae!!” Oh girl I wish I was you girl, I do, cept, I wouldn’t be with no damn Jay-Z, doe, girl! I know he got all the money but I couldn’t, with his camel lookin’ ass!! “Blue Ivy cute and all, but bestiality is a crime against God and nature, girl!” “Michelle…Michelle… it’s me yo cousin Sweet Meat, your mother said give her a call, your half of the cell phone bill is due. She said,If you ain’t wanna do your part, you shouldn’t have signed up for the framily plan, Michelle.”

Once inside they meet up with their celebrity Manager, Nigel Cumberbatch, E! corespondent and first cousin of actor Benedict Cumberbatch.

“Hello, Nigel, you look marvelous, darling.” purred Michelle.

“That’s because I’m looking at you, love."

They embrace and share a friendly kiss on both cheeks.

"A little sugar with my mocha always gets me up in the morning, love.”

“Oh, stop it.”

I can’t, love, you’ve already got me started.“

"Why are you here so early? you’re not due in until this afternoon for sound check.:” asked a quizzical Beyonce.

“I had an interview for the network  with the cast of "Real Housewives of Rikers Island. Since i’m in the neighborhood why not stop by.”

“Who knew a show about prison man-wives would be so incredibly popular?” said Michelle.

“Yes, well you take the momentum of the Real housewives brand, everyone’s obsession with queer culture, and mix it up with the urban grittiness of prison life and you’ve got a ratings juggernaut. This show is literally too gay to fail.”  Nigel said with a wry smirk.

“Speaking of…” free falling into cursory though.

“Where is MY personal assistant? He was supposed to come in early this morning and set up your dressing rooms.

I’ve been texting him since six to no avail.” said the liaison, who up until this point had been quietly busying himself updating the Destiny Child website. Actually, that’s what he was supposed to be doing. He’d finished all of that an hour ago. At this point he was trolling Tinder and Grinder for any hot clerks around the arena who may be cleaning out the bathrooms or working the hot dog stand.  

“So who decorated the dressing rooms?” asked Nigel

“I did,” cheered Michelle.

“Shelly, You didn’t have to do this.” said Beyonce, nonplussed.

“Just happy to help, guys."

"That’s peculiar, I just spoke with Kevin last night. Everything seemed fine. I hope nothing happened to him.” Stated Nigel with model concern.

“Kel-vin’s a really sweet guy.” said Michelle, exerting extra effort on the “elvin” in a subtle attempt to correct Nigel on his mispronunciation of the interns name.    

“Yes,” replied Nigel picking up the clue.

“Kelvin, stopped taking his Wellbutrin ever since he didn’t get that callback for the live action Jem and the Holograms movie, Truly Outrageous. Very dissonant murmurs of suicide,and not Facebook suicide, real life suicide.”

“I’m sure it will work out. Things always work out; at least for me they do.” reasoned Beyonce

“Do you like the wall draping Bey?” Asked Michelle

“I got them in Beijing. They’re fresh spun silk from virgin worms. The color is called Red Velvet.”

“Like the cake?” asked Beyonce.

“Just like the cake.” answered Michelle.

“Lets blow out these $5,000, diamond studded, champagne scented candles and adjourn to the stage.” Nigel blows out one and speaks before whistling out the other Luxury Soy Candle.

“Let’s save the fire for the stage, shall we?”

The girls traverse the corridor and Kelly lets loose a sly chortle.

“Hey guys, you ever see that movie "This is Spinal Tap? It used to come on t.v. all the time.”

“I don’t own a t.v.” Sulked Michelle.

“I own a t.v.,I mean I own like ten of them, but I’m so busy being on t.v. that I guess i really don’t have time to watch t.v.” said Beyonce

“Why do you ask?"

"There’s this scene where the band is trying to get to the stage but they keep getting lost, in like, a labyrinth of corridors. It’s hilarious” Kelly said with glee.

“Getting lost isn’t funny.” Warned Beyonce

“Getting lost is scary.” Said Michelle with a passive whine.

The girls took position and the sound engineer qued the instrumental track for the albums biggest hit; “Lose My Breath”.

Practice plodded on for an hour and it was clear the girls were out of sync since the year and some change they performed on that triumphant day the Baltimore Ravens won the shit out of Super Bowl 47.

“Alright darlings,” cringed Nigel. “this officially an Asian car crash. Let’s take a ten and regroup, yes?"

"I’ll make a coffee run. What do you want?” asked Eduardo.

“I’ll have a grande black tea with lemon and honey.” said Michelle.

“I’ll have a vente soy half calf latte; one Splenda. beckoned  Beyonce.

"I want a low-fat caramel Macchiatto, extra caramel.” replied Kelly with precocious joy.

Nigel glared at Kelly with noted incredulity.

“What?!? I’m making up for the extra caramel by getting low fat milk! balked Kelly.

Nigel exhaled dramatically, raised his trademark eyebrow, and crossed his arms in protest.

"Fine, the regular amount of caramel.” she responded with a pout.

Nigel frowned and nodded in continued discontent.

“No caramel?!”

Nigel smiled tightly and nodded in approval.

“Fine,” Kelly snapped back and smirked.

“But, after the show, I’m gonna have a caramel AND a Vanilla cappuccino.

Suddenly the overhead lights shut off leaving the girls awash in darkness. The shrieking sound of maniacal screams echoed through the arena.

As quickly as the lights wiped out; the overhead spot pierced through the sheet of onyx to reveal an upstage silhouette creeping through the shadows.  

"Help!” shrieked Michelle, reduced to tears; cradling herself on the floor. “I’ve been molested.” she babbled.

“Look!” squawked Beyonce. “There’s a mysterious silhouette lurking in the shadows!”

“Let’s get him!” Nigel rallied Eduardo; they ran to apprehend the mysterious figure.  

Eduardo and Nigel cornered and captured what appeared to be the Brooklyn Nets mascot, The Brooklyn Knight.

“Is that the Brooklyn Nets mascot, the Brooklyn Knight?” queried Kelly.

“Yes.It is.” Answered Eduardo, frankly.    

“See?"Eduardo blithely snatched the head off the anonymous violator and turned to face the appalled crowd. "It’s a mask”

Kelly interjected.

“Look guys!” she directed everyone’s attention to the unmasked marauder.

“It’s Papa Knowles”

“Daddy!” Beyonce said shocked and repulsed.

“Why are you dressed up as the Brooklyn Knight, and why are you molesting people?” she asked puzzled and disgusted.

Papa Knowles lifted his head crowned in shame. He blathered.

“I’m sorry girls, I didn’t mean to scare ya’ll and fondle Michelle. I just like to show up to ya’ll shows and push Michelle. It’s how I get my jollies these days."

"See, I told you all I was pushed at the Super Bowl.” said Michelle defensively.

“I really didn’t want to touch you in your nether regions Michelle, I just got disassembled in the darkness.” He whimpered.

“So it wasn’t you who cut the lights off, Daddy”

“No It was not,Bey. Now I really should go because this is more embarrassing than that time I got caught impregnating another woman while still being married to your mother. Can I be your manager again Bey?"

"No, daddy.”

“Well can you call me a cab?”

Just then the lights went black again and a tremulous baritone polluted the stage. When the lights came to, Papa Knowles lay slain in Nigel’s arms.

“Oh, my gawd, he’s, he’s, he’s dead!"

Oddly, the women bellowed this refrain in perfect three part harmony.

Before the women had a chance to mourn their former mentor, a thick tide of smoke came pouring out from the audience. Beyonce noted the pungent aroma.

"It smells like burning pine needles.” Said Beyonce.

“It smells like Snoop Dogg’s dressing room. Said Kelly.

"It smells like the BET Awards” Said Nigel.

“It smell like weed.” said Eduardo.

“Bong, Bong, my luscious song birds, what it do beautiful?”

crooned method Man.

“Oh my goodness, It’s the Wu-Tang Clan!” said Michelle.

All eight remaining members stood arms akimbo, blunts in mouth, side by side, triumphantly.

“What are you guys doing here?"

"We were in town shooting a new Tyler Perry movie,” intoned a severely herbalized Raekwon.

"Medea Joins the Wu-Tang Clan.“ Howled a blazed out Ghostface Killa.

"Yeah we got a summons on a terrestrial plane that your chi was being disrupted, so we teleported over here to to dissect the math, my queen."

"See that’s why you my favorite Rza, cause everything you say is confusing, but it sounds lyrical, so it must be poetry.” said Kelly, coquettishly.  

“Well we have a show tonight and I shouldn’t have to perform under these conditions. I’m light skinned; I woke up like this.” Petitioned Beyonce.

“My experience as an Inspector has taught me that the best way to apprehend a culprit is to divide into groups and explore the area in quadrants, that way we cover the most amount of ground in a shorter amount of time.” Theorized the Rebel INS a.k.a. Inspeckta Deck.“

"Are you really even an actual inspector, like my first cousin Benedict Cumberbatch, star of the British series, Sherlock?"

"No, but I’ve seen all the Scooby Doo mysteries.”

“How about the Shaggy Doo spin off?”

“Those too.”

“Alright people, listen to this man!"

The Inspeckta divided everyone into clusters and assigned them to different sections of the Barclay Center. They all splintered off and left Papa Knowles festering on the stage in a puddle of his own blood and guts. Eventually morphing into twinkling embers and ascending into the rafters.

Although everyone was supposed to  be hunting down the cloaked culprit, mainly they all just got high and passed out by the concession stand. Beyonce woke up separated from her group and worried the solitude would mark her as easy prey. She trundled the hollow corridor in search of her musical companions. She pressed past a set of doors and tripped over a prop surfboard. When she regained her footing she stood up and locked eyes with:

"Ol’ Dirty Bastard!!”

“How do you do, Miss Beyonce?”

“Oh, shit, ODB, What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know what this is.We in Brooklyn, I’m from Brooklyn, even in death I muthafuckin rep Brooklyn to the fullest!!”

“Are you the one that’s sabotaging our show and killed my daddy?”

“I don’t even understand what you is asking me right now, and what is you doing wit dat surfboard?”

“Yonce blushed and dropped the surfboard. The blunt thud temporarily ceased the awkward silence and offered a chance for Yonce to recover.

"Would you be interested in performing a guest verse during our show tonight?”

"But I'ma ghost. How is you gonna pass some shit like that off to the crowd?“

"We’ll tell everyone you’re a hologram, like they did with 2 Pac at  Coachella.”

“Yeah, Baby, I’m wit it, but I’m a spirit trapped in the astral plane. In order to cross over to the lucid world I must leave your cerebrum and enter through your body.”

“O.k….Wait. Enter my body; is this ghost sex?”

“No! My inserting myself in your scrumptious body has nothing at all to do with sex.”

“O.k.,Well I guess it’s O.K. then.”

Beyonce takes the ODB into her body and his aura causes her body to rupture and shake.  

As her body continues to tremble she feels a firm grip on her shoulders rattling her back to consciousness.

“Bey, It’s like ten minutes to curtain. Are you o.k. to perform?

Beyonce took a second to consider if what just conspired actually happened or if it was just a by product of too much Loud.

The curtain rose to thunderous applause as the overhead announcer introduced the sensual sirens of R&B.

"Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to introduce ya’ll to a very special and unexpected guest…"

The crowds excitement could barely be contained the volume  threatening to reduce the Barkley Center to rubble.

The uproar bled beyond the building, pouring out into the parking lot causing cars and their alarms to rattle and hum. Among the parked vehicles sat a late model yellow checker cab with its wheel man standing astride the driver side door frame. He wore a tattered army jacket, dark aviator sunglasses, and his hair was cut into a Mohawk. It was ancillary Wu-Tang Clan member Cappadonna . He waived his arm in the air and a giant blunt shot from his sleeve. He lit the "L” and inhaled deeply. He moved to the trunk of the cab and opened it up. Kelvin was hog tied and crying on top of a spare tire. Cappuccino, as he was sometimes known, blew second hand blunt smoke into Kelvins face and slammed the trunk. He jumped back into the drivers seat and took another pull of the blunt before turning on the ignition and driving off into the twilight.

1 NOTE

DESTINYSCHILD

WUTANGCLAN

FANFICTION

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

SCOOBYDOO

SHORTSTORY

DESTINYSCHILDVSWUTANGCLAN

BROOKLYN

BARCLAYCENTER

MARCH 7, 2014

10:43 PM

mea culpa by mike smith

I heard you got yourself a new man, and living in a cabin upstate in the woods. You always hated the smog of the city,baby. I hope the fresh air is treating you good.

1 NOTE

FLASHFICTION

SHORTSTORY

EXTREME

POETRY

POEM

CREATIVE WRITING

MARCH 4, 2014

9:57 PM

Do what thou wilt by: Mike Smith

She always peeling my scabs for blood

shes always testing me to see what im scared of

she don’t believe in God

she’s always on her knees but

she’s not praying to me

I saw her lurk in the dark

she’s got a sample of

my specimen in his and her dolls

She wears a mask like Norma Jean

She sleeps with one eye open and she keeps it on me

She’s Madonna post 1993

She’s a scene

She thinks she’s Alister Crowley

She’s reality T.V.

She howls during sex

She talks with an S

She’s my Queen

So if you see me in a graveyard mumbling a poem

by a bard back from 1719

just recognize it’s not me

i’m possessed by my bitch

oh my Lord

She worships Satan