#but god. it makes me think abt my friends that are living here alone with no family even like... remotely nearby. just making it work with

[faaun]

pls i need to provide updates

[nomairuins]

i want to watch the things on my watchkist but i also never do its rly tragic

[stariekis]

platonic feelings (or not).

pairing : guitarist!jay + fem!reader . genre : fluff . cw : kissing, skinship and nothing more i think ~ . wc : 2.4 k (that's actually insane gosh..)

— synopsis : friends also write love songs to each other ... and they also kiss sometimes ... right ? like that's normal ... right ?

— note : you, me, everyone loves guitarist jay ! and i'm obsessed with this jay live (pics above) so why not make a whole one shot abt him : D hope you guys like it ~ reposts and all kinds of feedback are always appreciated <3

Love songs are supposed to be written for your lover, not platonically lover but romantically. So why does Jay feels the need to write you one, he doesn't love you like that... right ?.

Of course he loves you, you've been best friends for the longest time, then why does he feel butterflies every time you are around ? Why does he get nervous every time you meet ? Why are you the only one on his mind ? Is he actually falling in love with his childhood best friend ?.

This brings us to the current situation. He was all alone in his room, his guitar on top of his thighs and the notebook he always use to compose his songs open on top of his desk. The page where the notebook was opened was filled with love letters and little hearts, all of them dedicated to you.

Jay has his own way to express his feelings and this was through songs, so that's why, as soon as he realizes his feelings toward you, he started writing one, hoping one day he would be able to sing it to you.

Little did he know that that moment was seconds ago to happen.

— 'Hey there pretty boy' said a female voice behind him. When he realized that it was actually your voice his eyes widened, he was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't notice you entering his room.

Closing the notebook rapidly he turned around in his chair looking directly at you. You were comfortably sitting in his bed, your leg crossed and a big smile plastered on your lips. And again, Jay's heart skipped a beat.

— 'Your mum let me in, she said that you were here so i wanted to come and see you' you said, eyes looking from his guitar to his desk where the notebook was. — 'Are you writing again Jjongie ?'

He was screwed. His best friend who he is in love with just discovered that he was writing a song, a song about her, and on top of that you asked him to sing it. He can't do that. — 'Well um i haven't finished it yet' he said looking at his feets.

But he knows you too well, he knows how stubborn you are and that you would keep asking him to sing it no matter what so, when you asked for the second time with pouty lips he couldn't refuse.

When you hear the song you were shocked to say the least. You weren't stupid, you knew that you both were more than childhood best friends, but hearing him basically confessing to you through a song was enough to confirm it.

Getting up from his bed you came closer to him without breaking eye contact. Now standing in front of him you took his guitar into your hands and you put it aside, sitting in his lap right after.

— 'Jay this is the best thing someone has done for me, you know that right ? ' he nodded at your words with a smile on his face, his hand around your waist rubbing the bare skin there and his eyes shining brightly.

Both of you were drowning in each other's embrace. He said, whispering even — 'I'm so in love with you god ' cupping your face with one of his hands and leaning in, connecting your lips in the sweetest kiss you've ever received.

Pulling away slightly you said those words he has been wanting to hear from you for so long. — 'I'm in love with you too, my rockstar' your lips connecting again, you could feel him smiling in between kisses.

So yes, best friends can also kiss and write love songs about each other but clearly they are never platonically.

[im-a-hoping-beetch]

Many people genuinely get confused when we, native people, get uncomfortable when Katara, a native character, is reduced to a mom and her canon relationships with characters are put down in favour for a boy who lived in a society that benefitted from her oppression, antagonised her and her friends for most of the series and was even racist at times. But because he's hot and had an episode with katara, everything should be forgiven, because god forbid a native girl gets with anyone who isn't from a group of people who aided the genocide of her people. God forbid two characters who experienced genocide have a relationship and connect over this shared trauma, in favour for boy who also has mom trauma

Look, while I can understand your feelings of discomfort towards the ship, I’d still like to put certain things into perspective.

Now, I don’t really know what you meant by her being “reduced” to a mom. Do you mean that her relationship with Zuko would confine her to such a role? Which, by the way, is absolutely laughable, since one of the main reasons why so many ppl ship these two is bcz unlike every member of the gaang (aside from Suki), Zuko is the only one with who she doesn’t have to act like a surrogate mother. Katara is allowed to be angry and be vulnerable with him. All things that we rarely see her be able to do with the rest of the bunch, let alone her own brother.

Actually, one of the main appeal of the two is bcz, both have the same level of of maturity and similar way of interacting with the members of the gaang. Which is why so many ppl label the two as “parents of the group”.

But, if you’re talking about how, we zutarians usually talk abt the intricacies that come with her being a motherly person, I’ve got some news for ya. Most of us, usually, never fail to highlight how much of a tragedy, her being pushed into a role of adulthood at such a young age is. Also, on how, ironically, her canonical partner (Aang) has never really helped with that phenomenon, actually he perpetuated it even further.

Besides, wanna talk abt canon relationships being put down for a boy, well, look no further than canon itself, anon. I’m guessing that you’ve probably read this post, due to the phrasing at the beginning of your ask. One thing I specifically touched on, was how much of Katara’s existence seems to revolve around Aang, the biggest example being, the comics. In them, we do see the creators ready to strain Katara’s established relationships with the gaang (aside from her brother) in order to shove kataang down our throats. Cuz if you think abt it, Toph and Katara’s interactions are heavily reduced, let alone meaningful ones and do not even get me started on Zuko or Suki.

Yes, Zuko lived in a society that benefited from her oppression. He has antagonized her and her friends. But Zuko is also made to recognize the harm his actions have caused. Additionally, at no point is he not faced with the consequences of what he has done towards the gaang. Every single member gets to express anger or/and resentment over what he’s done in the past, Katara is no exception. Actually, she’s the one who’s given the most leeway in terms of doing so. Even for things he had no control over such as her mother’s death and the fire nation raids. However, instead of whining about how he’s not responsible for all of this taking place, something he could’ve easily done, he makes it up to her. He helps her seek justice for her mother while her canonical future boyfriend is out here reducing her righteous anger to blindsided revenge.

I don’t know what you mean by “Because He’s hot and had an episode with her, everything should be forgiven.” To me, that last part owed to make me scratch all the dandruff off my braids. Language is a powerful tool, but often than not, people don’t really know how to use it nor seem to understand the ramifications of their use. When you say “everything should be forgiven”, you are framing forgiveness as something passive, when, here, it is active. Someone does the action of forgiving Zuko, Katara does. Katara forgives him, because he earned it.

Right now, I’m assuming that you thought you were in defence of Katara, but the truth is that you are actually perpetuating an habit that many have had when it comes to the Southern Raiders. Which is to perpetually strip any agency Katara has in an episode literally centered around her character!?!

Nobody forbid anyone from anything. If people don’t feel comfortable shipping these two, so be it. However, to act as if Zuko hasn’t actively fought against the system that has led to those atrocities being done or like he hasn’t used his position of power in order to make actual change or/and retributions, is simply disingenuous.

Aang and Katara did have a relationship, but have never connected over their shared trauma. More specifically, Aang failed to connect over their shared trauma, when he should have and instead used as a way to silence hers. @sokkastyles makes a very good point about it in this post.

[chikkou]

ok i was waiting until my laptop got here to finally tell all the bullshit thats happened in the last like. 5 months lol. cause its a lot to type

im gonna put it all under the cut so no one has to read if they dont want. its a LONG fucking story.

tl;dr:

ok so for basic background, for the last two years or so, i was living with a roommate in connecticut. the roommate was my (now former) best friend since middle school. in july of this year his behavior totally shifted, and he started picking fights with me out of nowhere, told our high school friends a bunch of straight up lies abt me to make me look like a horrible roommate & person, and just generally became a two-faced dickhead. in the end, it turned out to all be excuses to justify his decision to move out (unofficially, name was still on the lease) so that he could live with his boyfriends and not pay any bills. at the time i was really devastated by this bc i felt totally betrayed by this person i had been close to since i was 12/13, but frankly after everything else that happened i barely fucking think about it now LMAO. this is set dressing more than anything else

so anyway, i had been living alone since about august, that was the last time i saw him in person. i wasnt handling the situation well because i had spoken to my high school friend and found out the extent to which hed tried to paint me as a slovenly, horrible roommate, to the point of telling actual lies about really dumb stuff (which didnt work btw - my friends, god bless them, were more concerned about my mental health than anything and thought i was going down a depression spiral, which my former friend told them he was helping me through. they believed me right away once we finally did talk). all that is to say, i was going kind of crazy lol, and i decided to go back home in october just for a short while, to recharge my batteries and all.

i was gone for a couple of weeks, not very long. i felt MUCH better after being with my family & friends in person, as i felt pretty isolated from everyone (my hometown is in new york, i was only 2 hours away by train but scheduling times to visit was sort of a hassle, so i only did it once every couple months). my grandfather and mom dropped me off at my apartment in early november, we were very lighthearted and discussing my next steps, since my shithead friend had been behind on rent more than 5 times (i always paid my half on time) and i was facing eviction because of it. we get to my apartment, i go to open the door, and it wont open. not that its locked, it just straight up WONT open. my grandpa tried to ram the door with his shoulder, and nothing. hes a strong ass dude, and this door wouldnt budge for anything.

my mom managed to get the kitchen window open and climb in that way, and it took both her and my grandpa pulling/pushing at the same time to force the door open. i wont even dress this up: there was mold. fucking. everywhere. on the floor, on the walls, all over everything i owned. i have pictures (had to take them for insurance) and im not even going to show them because they are beyond fucking disgusting. everything i owned was soaked in water and mold, and i do literally mean EVERYTHING. it was very warm in there too, like the temperature of a swamp. i was in a haze after that. i just remember sobbing, like genuinely heartbroken sobbing, as i wandered around looking at everything that was ruined. my mom & grandpa had to go and get maintenance because i was just utterly useless, and they were equally horrified & said they'd never seen anything like it.

i managed to save some items that were irreplaceable (journals, notebooks, etc) and whatever clothes werent utterly soaked in mold. all of my cookware, my books, my laptop & desktop (i cried the hardest when i saw the desktop) - it was all ruined. we found out later that the water boiler in my apartment had a catastrophic failure while i was gone, which caused it to constantly send water back through the pipes, empty, and refill itself. my bedroom was directly above the boiler downstairs, so it got the most significant amount of damage. all told, i lost like 95% of the things i owned. it is possible that i could have saved more, but the amount of mold in that apartment made it a genuine safety hazard for me to even be in there, so i had very limited time to grab what i could. the cruelest irony of all that? my shithead ex-friend's room, which was on the other side of the hallway, was pretty much untouched. he lost absolutely nothing lol.

so immediately, i had to leave the state. i moved back to ny with my family. my mother - who had a stroke last year following a diagnosis of an exceedingly rare neurological disorder, AND had two separate brain surgeries to improve her quality of life - was in the process of getting evicted. the landlord didnt give a fuck about any of my moms situation, not her being disabled, not her being widowed, not her having 3 kids under the age of 18 to care for - he just wanted her out so he could increase the cost of rent on our house. at the same time as all this was going on, i got saddled with a $600 electric bill (likely caused by the water heater's malfunction), which neither insurance nor the apartment would pay, so it came out of my pocket. in addition, i found out in december that i was also getting laid off.

we had nowhere to go and couldnt afford to live anywhere in the tri-state area. we had no choice but to move somewhere much cheaper, and since my mom already had a friend living in a mid-atlantic state, we chose to move there. the eviction went through in january and we had less than 2 weeks to pack all our shit, find a place to live, and get the fuck out. needless to say, we were not successful lol.

we stayed in my grandparents 1 bedroom apartment for about a week, then all of us drove down together to stay with my moms friend in her 3 bedroom apartment (she has 5 kids, 3 of whom live in the apartment). my moms apartment, which was supposed to have been ready by january 31st, still had people actively living there. the property manager kept promising us it would be next week for the entire month of february, to the point that my mom got fed up and chose to rent a small house instead. the reality of being essentially homeless for that time was beyond horrifying, and having anywhere between 8-10 people in that house (my cousin also moved with us, but he stayed in a hotel for the first week) was more taxing than i can express.

but things have gotten a lot better since then. i also found a cute little house to rent just up the road from my moms, and its very cheap for its size. i still havent found a job yet, but thanks to what was essentially the liquidation of everything i owned, ill be ok for a couple months more. im slowly but surely repurchasing all the things i lost and trying to acclimate to the new environment. things are still not totally stable right now, but they are slowing down, and at this point thats all i can really ask for lol.

so yeah. if u were wondering why i suddenly stopped posting after literal years of posting every day, thats why LMAO

[beware-of-eels]

Rajbow AU where Bowie and Emma go ice skating during free skate hours at the rink Raj and Wayne work part time to help cover hockey costs

except instead of being bad at it, Bowie fully knowing how to skate- instead faking a minor (graceful) fall so that the cute rink employee with the eyebrows comes over to help him up and check on him. And maybe get his number

Got carried away thinking about this in detail so if you want the longer babbly almost-a-fic version it's under the cut lmao

[disclaimer: everything ik abt ice rinks is from going to the one at the mall like. maybe three times in my life bdbsbnxnd. I live in Texas] [i've also literally never written fanfic and so am not much of a writer but this kind of possessed me when i was bored at work so if the dialogue is bad or ooc and the tense is all off.... no its not lmao]

Anyways - Emma's decided she's going to invest in hobbies that she DIDN'T share with chase, something completely separate and away from him -- chase thinks its to impress him bc of course he does. someone send this boy to detention--and drags Bowie along "so she's not alone, obviously"

good friend that he is, Bowie goes with, and especially bc Bowie DOES know how to skate - pretty well actually. he's no figure skater/hockey player/etc, but if Bowies going to do anything in public he's going to do it well. he can make his way around the rink with ease, manage a little fancy footwork when he wants to, enough to pull a minor trick out of his hat. besides, what's the point of doing something if you can't show off a little bit? never hurts to catch someone's eye, or establish yourself to your peers as someone who knows what they're doing -- and really, Bowie's counting on his reputation to ensure those prom votes.

what Bowie didn't count on was the cute hockey boy that was handing off skate rentals to blush and stammer so sweetly when he flirted with him for the hell of it. and he really didn't count on said cute hockey boy having a shift change and heading onto the rink to fill in as ice monitor pretty soon after he and Emma start skating. Even in the flourescent lighting the boy is cute, and it doesn't take a genius to see how hockey has bulked him up - and he really was so endearing when he was flustered- so Bowie figures why not try his hand at a little more fun. And really, what better way to shoot his shot than to fake needing a little extra help from a buff hockey player?

Naturally Wayne and Raj work their stations together - their manager had tried to separate them once and was QUICK to never make that mistake again - so when they've switched out with their coworkers handling skate rentals, they're immediately out on the ice together, as loud and rambunctious as they can get away with without reprimand

if Raj is a little (not-so) secretly excited to maybe see the cute boy that winked at him earlier - Yknow, bc it made him feel excited! ...whatever that meant - then that's between him, Wayne, and the hockey gods. otherwise hes just pumped to be on the ice with his best bud. They're making their rounds, keeping an eye out for anything dangerous or against the rules that they might have to intervene, and otherwise yelling hockey metaphors and mutual encouragement as loudly as they can get away with

and right when Wayne has to slip away to separate a couple of kids trying to trip eachother, Bowie decides to makes his move

He gives emma the heads up that he's gonna slow down and try something, and does his best to fall as gracefully as he can - maintaining the look of competence is still important after all - while still doing so loud enough to garner the cute hockey boy's - Rajie?- attention. He sits on the ice a second longer than he strictly necessary, and by the time he's ready to stand back up Raj is there holding out a steady hand, bushy eyebrows pulled together in concern.

"oh my god are you okay - here I'll help you up" He looks so worried for a moment that Bowie almost feels bad for lying. Almost.

"well i'm much better now" Bowie throws the boy another wink, earning him the exact flustered face Raj had responded with before. Forget subtlety if that's the reaction he was going to get by being forward, "but I do think my ankle could use a little TLC - care to help me get somewhere to sit down?

"Uh yes! Yes of course, thats. thats what I'm here for!" Raj can feel his face heating up as he stammers under the gaze of the boy in front of him "I'm Raj, uh by the way"

And isn't he just too cute "I'm Bowie, it's nice to meet you"

Raj quickly signals to Wayne the general situation, and then solidifies himself into position to help Bowie up without falling himself. after that it doesn't take too much finagling to get bowie back up to his feet and leaning heavily on raj's shoulder and the two of them start to slowly make their way back off of the rink. Bowie can't help but smile a bit- he was absolutely right about Raj being buff, and he couldn't wait to see what else he had in store.

Raj, nervous about having a cute boy so close to him suddenly, does what he does best - fall into Hockey talk - or in this case, hockey adjacent. Hockey could be a dangerous sport - he'd helped teammates with ankle sprains plenty of times! It would probably help Bowie feel better to know that Raj has this handled "We'll have to check which part of your ankle hurts once we sit you down - just to make sure it's not a fracture. You can lean on me more if you need! its uh, you don't want to put too much pressure on it until we can take a look at it. I should have some extra stuff in my bag to wrap it up if its a sprain, and then I can see if we still have ice packs in the first aid kit! Hopefully it's just a sprain, but dont worry if it's worse I'll still make sure you're okay! When me and wayne - that's my buddy - were kids, I fractured my arm pretty bad at practic-"

Bowie had seen already that Raj was a little nervous talking to him, if plenty enthusiastic. But the sweetness of his scramble to comfort Bowie for an injury that hadn't even occured - not that he had to know that - was invigorating none the less. There was a genuineness to the boy that was refreshing, and he was sure if he was actually hurt, he would be feeling calmed and comforted by his babbling. If not for the talk about first aid, then for the earnestness in Raj's telling of his own past injuries on the ice.

Raj doesn't realize he's still talking until he's helping Bowie sit down on a bench outside near the skate rental area. "oh sorry if that was too much - I'm gonna go get the first aid kit then I'll be right back!"

He walked off quickly, glad for the chance to take a breather, and keep his head from being clouded by sharp eyes and quit witted flirting. Not to mention the bold choice of Bowie to wear a crop top to go ice skating. It certainly did look nice on him

Once Raj returns, he leans down and carefully begins checking Bowies ankle for anything serious - slowly pressing on the skin and rotating the foot to gauge maneuverability. Satisfied with Bowie's assessment that the pain wasn't too bad, he got to work wrapping his foot - Raj wasn't going to let shoddy first aid exacerbate the problem.

Looking down at the hockey player in front of him, Bowie gets to work on his own interests. "Thank you for all your help - usually I consider myself a pretty good skater, but oh well. I guess one person can't be fantastic at everything all the time," he punctuated with a large sigh, wiggling his toes when Raj motions for him to.

"Oh I'm sure you're always fantastic! I've been skating since I could walk and even I still take a tumble from time to time - that doesn't mean you aren't great! I guess mine usually come from bad checks though eh? Oh because I play hockey! I don't remember if I told you that-- A-anyways, I didn't really get to see you skate before you fell but I'm sure you're incredible. I mean you seem incredible. At skating! I mean"

Raj finally cuts himself off, hoping to end the awkardness of his own rambling. All he had to do was finish wrapping up Bowie's ankle and exit the interaction with minimal blushing - he could do that! He could hear Wayne's voice hyping him up in his head - was a snow owl, he'd faced goons bent on injuring and cross checks more than even made sense for a highschool league - he could handle getting through a conversation with a cute boy. Even if said cute boy had long eyelashes and a knowing smile and a pearl necklace expertly framing his neck.

Bowie of course could not be more pleased - it seems Raj was more than just fun to fluster. He was sweet and earnest and clearly passionate about hockey - enough that Bowie found himself actually looking forward to hearing more of Raj's confusing hockey lingo, if it meant seeing that focused look in his eyes when he started getting carried away.

"Well if you really think so, maybe you'd like to see how incredible I am some other time - when you're not working, of course"

"For sure dude! That sounds like loads of fun!" Raj's agreement comes out enthusiastic, until he look down at Bowies ankle in his hands, freshly wrapped and now with an ice pack to match "But not until your ankle's healed up - skating's great but you won't be able to if you hurt your ankle worse by pushing it." The sudden intensity of his expression betraying how seriously the boy takes his sport.

Bowie stifles a laugh "It really doesn't hurt that much, but deal. Maybe you can show me some of your fancy hockey moves while we're at it" he said liltingly. and theres that blush again, hard to see on his skin but clear as day to the boy who triggered it "in the meantime though -can I get your number?"

Raj answers without even taking a beat "Oh I'm number 8! On the snow owls, I'm actually alternate capt-" he's cut off by a gentle hand on his own where it's still holding the ice pack.

"I actually meant your phone number" bowie's ecpression is nothing but kind, so Raj doesn't feel quite so clueless when he manages out a

"Right! yes, right - here let me see your phone"

the two boys quickly exchange numbers, as Bowie continues his previous thought "But I'd love to hear all about your hockey team on our date"

"Yeah! ha, that sounds good."

The two of them stay a moment just to smile at one another, before the moment is broken-

"RAJIE! Are you doin okay there bud? Do you need some help?" "Don't worry Wayners! I'll be over in a sec!"

Raj turns back to Bowie, sheepish "I uh, gotta get back to work, do you have somebody that can take you home safe?"

Bowie presses a quick peck to his cheek, "I've got a friend here with me, no need to worry about little ole me. I'll see you soon though, handsome"

And again that blush. Raj manages to stammer through a goodbye before trudging back to the ice - doing a quick lap around at full speed to release some of his energy before returning to his best friends side. He'd tell Wayne all about it later, for now he was just doing his best not to smile too hard.

Eventually Emma finds her way to Bowie sat on a bench, carefully tying his shoes back over a newly bandaged ankle.

"sooo how'd it go? you didn't really hurt your ankle did you? because you know I'd feel awful for bringing you here if you got hurt and didn't even get a cute boy's number out of it"

"No on the injury, Yes on getting his number - let's head back to your house, I'll catch you up on the ride home"

"Yes! well I'm glad one of us had a good time - after you left Chase walked by - how did he even know we were here? He's so -"

Bowie tunes out the rest of his friends rant, he'd heard this before, and he was sure she'd forgive him for not listening if he told her he was thinking about his upcoming date with Raj. The boy really was too good, and Bowie hadn't even really had to work very hard to find that out. He found himself throwing in an occasional remark to keep Emma going as they walked, thinking about the intensity with which Raj clearly loved sports, about the simple sincerity in the way that he talked. This really could be the start of something special

Yep, the trip to the ice rink had gone better than imagined. He just needed to admit to Raj that he had fallen on purpose and all would be well.

After they were on their date, of course.

[mintkookiess]

WAIT I HAVE ANOTHER THOUGHT FOR MY RAMBLE WHAT IF AND HEAR ME OUT IT WASNT HOBIE (who i was imaging) BUT IN THIS AU E-42 MILES (mylo as i imagine him in twin aus) LIKE TWINS

OHHHH MY GOD THATD BE SUCH A BLOW CAUSE IMAGINING KIDS??? THATD BE WHAT HIS KIDS COUKDA LOOKED LIKE BUT HE WAS A DUMBASS

sorry i’ll leave now😮‍💨

alexa play that should be me

I mean it’s Miles fault for playing with yo heart CKALCLAC

No cause you already know Mylo would find out cause he and Miles have like some telepathy twin shit so he KNOWS smth up. He would beat up Miles fr, and then tries to contact you.

So like Miles knows you and Mylo have been talking and he keeps bugging his twin to let him see you but Mylo ain’t lettin that happen like

“Dude please you gotta let me come with—“

“Oh hell no cabrón you stay the fuck away from her”

Then after like a few months yall ended up dating. Mylo never lets you go to his house unless like rlly necessary like if mama Morales was looking for you or smth but HE MAKES SURE THAT MILES AINT THERE.

Months turns to years and Mylo asks your hand for marriage and everyone goes ballistic, but Miles is the one who truly loses his shit LMAO LIKE he’d get beaten up by those bad guys coz he couldn’t focus (Peter smacks the shit outta him every single time like,,,,)

“Focus kid! You might as well become a punching bag now!”

“Nah let them beat the hell out of me man I deserve it—“

“Oh my god here we go again…”

So here comes yalls wedding and MILES ISN’T INVITED like everyone was there Mylo’s parents, your parents, friends etc.

Mylo keeps the venue an absolute secret so Miles don’t know where tf the wedding is bc you know he gon try to crash it and steal you away

LOL sucks to be him

And after a few years you got two amazing kids with Mylo and Miles only watches thru instagram bc you know Mylo would post his babies everyday religiously HAJDBSK

It HURTS Miles cause the kids look exactly like him like a carbon copy and he does have a thought or two of tryna find out where yall live so if you alone at the house he can go and act as Mylo just to see you creepy ass bastard

that never happens tho bc he never finds out where u live

but what he does tho is cry himself to sleep thinking that those could’ve been his kids and not his twin’s

YEAH MILES WHACHU GON DO ABT IT 🙄🙄

[cogbreath]

its very stressful and painful and honest to god heartbreaking when my mom tells me to avoid stepping in when my dad is being abusive bc she's worried he'll get worse towards her if i do . shit got rlly ugly tonight. im very very tired of having to just watch & hear this shit happen. im very tired of having to pretend it doesnt effect me. im tired of being made to stay out of the way im tired of being told to be nice to that man im really so tired. my whole life basically in this house ive had to live like 😐. i dont think either of them really realise how deeply this shit has broken me apart over and over again thru my life. ive been having to be the Neutral Mediator since my childhood with this. its very distressing for a child to have to tell their own mother that this shouldnt be happening. that its not normal.

i dont think any of them understand how often i/my alters think about Ending It For Good. why woildnt i? do you think the way ive grown up makes a person feel like they even have a future at all? especially when as a kid i was afraid he was gonna try that first and kill us both. i have a deep internal thought that i need to do it before he does ir first

my mom is still talking like shes on voard with having him move out of here soon but like. when is soon. soon is coming, right???

i csnt let that not happjen

i will lose it if that plan falls through

i dont rlly have any drugs or anyrhing to ease myself

i dont know what to do

shpuld i just run away?

i dont have anywhere to go. i have no friends no job nothing like that but this is just so painful to deal with. and. honestly. i cant leave her alone with him. i cant. i know my existence and presence does little to acrually help keep things from going worse; but i feel that if i wasnt here, it would get way way worse

my mom has so many breakdowns abt how nobody wnats to save her or help her

i do

i do

but she doesnt want to LET me. i dont know what she wants. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore. ive given all my advice. i tey to listen to her ans let her vent but its not enough i guess

[kissitbttr]

TJANK FUCKING GOD YOURE TALKING ABOUT THE R@PE SHIT IN THIS FANDOM. I'm actually in disbelief of how often it's being written. And I get the whole 'dont like, then scroll' and whatever, but when I open up my dash/tags and the first FIVE FUCKING FICS are r@pe fics???? And there's more every day, by the same, but also newer writers??? Wanna know what that is? Normalization. There's one blog on here that's so so so bad for it. And honestly, I get darker content, and I get the interest in rape from a psychological and conditional aspect, but that is when it's being taken seriously. These writers on here? Yeah, they're not fucking taking it seriously. If I see one more '💕🌷🎀' on a r@pe fic, I'm going to fucking lose it.

I can't imagine showing a survivor of SA one of these fics and telling them there is more like it. Like... How embarrassing. But the excuse is that the writers were SA'd and that this is the way they can work through their trauma. Personally, that literally does not add up to me. But! I'm not a psychologist so I can't dictate how someone works through their trauma. But, I can have an opinion on what they put on a public domain. And that's where the whole COD fandom issue lies. There is literally no healthy discourse. If you ask someone why they write about r@pe, they either block you, publicly slander you like you're the idiot for asking about a r@pe fic (???), or tell you to fuck off or something. Like... Why can't we just have a healthy discussion about it?? ESPECIALLY in a fandom with a pretty large female following. We SHOULD be talking about this not being hostile to each other, writers and readers alike.

Idk, sorry for the word dump. I spent four hours talking to a friend about this (who doesn't have Tumblr) and the general consensus was the same. I wish people could just think a little more critically. Just because you have a kink, or think somethings hot, doesn't always mean it's okay. And when you're consistently writing about it as a way to work through it, and posting it online, that just might be a sign that you should talk to a professional, cause there's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion.

took the fucking words outta my mouth babe. you are so RIGHT

tbh i never seen someone actively open about their trauma and say that they write the r*** fics as a way for them to cope. that’s definitely new to me. i mean, i’m no expert too and i can’t exactly say and tell them how to feel but yea that’s a little… bizarre. whether or not they’re using that as an excuse so they can write it i have nothing to say abt that. but if it’s a lie then they can go fuck themselves.

it’s not only this fandom i believe, right? there’s gotta be more and that’s the most fucked up thing about it. like i do not need to know you’re some mentally fucked individual who enjoys writing and reading about r*** content, u keep that shit to yourself. do not bring that bullshit here.

it’s pretty saddening to know that telling ppl to fuck off is their only response. which makes me realized that they are only good for one thing. how could you not have any ounce of decency in you to actually be aware of those things and realize that r*** is not okay and will never be okay?? I don’t care what’s the excuse or whatever reasons u want to bring to the table. if u don’t wanna talk about how r*** takes the joy out of a SA victim and leave a permanent scar in which they have to live with everyday, then there is no point in writing them at all.

and also, you know what saddens me more? the blogs that normally write them comes from women. because, man… you should’ve known better… you should’ve known that no woman on earth could ever live in peace knowing that one exact fear is the reason why we are so terrified of going out alone. why we are so terrified of men. why would you ever go out your way and change these beautiful characters to be some sort of evil spawn ?? weird ass bitches.

don’t be sorry for the word dump!! because i’m glad that some of you came into my inbox and expressed your thoughts about this particular bullshit.

they do need to get some help. and i mean this in the most nicest and disrespectful way possible tbh.

[narugen]

my brain cooked up a rly good hoshimina idea while i was in the shower

featuring best friends (begrudgingly) hoshina and narumi, siblings narumi and kikoru, exes or something but not quite narumina (not plot relevant. just a bit but only mentioned like once briefly). pet shop owner kafka, mina who’s a pro athlete (subject to change.) but works there some days to help out, and hoshina a barista at the coffee shop down the road (where mina is a regular at) and neighbours hoshimina

okay so narumi drags hoshina to the pet store (where hoshina got his german shepard) and is like. i think i need to adopt a cat. and hoshina is like with what money bc he knows that pro gamer/twitch streamer business is like . not there at all (narumi L) and narumi is like Of course kikoru will be paying (they don’t even live together. they’re next door neighbours bc kikoru couldn’t stand the idea of living with narumi who’s a MESS)

(context is kikoru’s parents are both gone 🙏 and narumi used to visit the shinomiya’s a lot so he’s basically their second child and kikoru’s older brother ok - they both inherited some money but kikoru got the larger chunk of it)

and hoshina is like i really do not think she will. and mina who’s on shift that day is like: “you again?” to narumi and hoshina is like oh this Beautiful person was not here when i bought the dog last time. Hello. (does not say this nor does he let it show on his face that he’s been dazzled by this pet store employee) (narumi notices IMMEDIATELY) and narumi is like, “mina-san, hear me out-,” and hoshina has to do a double take bc narumi NEVER addresses anyone with honorifics.

“i’m busy. go away.” she says and that’s clearly Not customer service to someone u don’t know so hoshina instantly realizes narumina know each other but doesn’t question it. instead he decides he needs to stock up on pet food for his dog (number 10 LMFAO. jk. maybe) and leaves narumi to be a big baby where the kittens are.

mina, back to customer service mode, asks hoshina if she can help with anything and hoshina is just like Too stunned to speak bc girl should be a Model or something not here selling pet food and he’s like Oh i got it don’t worry (not letting it show on his face)

they leave and narumi is like LOL you’re a loser and hoshina is just like i don’t want to hear that from you. ever.

they return the next day ANYWAY because narumi is ITCHING to get the fucking cat and hoshina is driving (narumi has his motorbike but is #lazy) and narumi makes kikoru come along to try and convince her to pay for the cat’s adoption fees and all its necessities

kikoru enters the store and LOVES the cats but no she will not be paying a single cent for it. narumi u can go fuck urself. and narumi is like but u can come over and play with it. and she’s like ur just gonna make me pet sit while u game for ur 20 viewers. (cue narumi rage noises)

and mina just SIGHS because narumi please leave me alone . god but at least hoshina is there (mina visits the coffee shop hoshina works at most mornings but i guess with the rush hour he never noticed her but mina has been like eyeing him for ages okay.)

anyway kikoru also goes wow she’s gorgeous when they’re back in the car after they leave empty handed and hoshina is just happy to have seen mina again :) and then narumi is like lol guess what. we used to date and they both do a double take (hoshina trying not to be obvious abt it and narumi is like HAHA!) kikoru is saying shit like narumi is too ugly too loser too disgusting to have seriously dated someone as beautiful as her and hoshina in his head is like Yeah. wtf. and that’s how hoshina finds out narumina were classmates in uni .

anw that’s not rly important but i do want to emphasise that mina doesn’t have any other friends aside from kafka so narumi checks up on her (to her own annoyance) every once in a while (accidentally became daily) and hoshina is like Hm. okay.

ANYWAY. one day hoshina come back from walking his dog and SURPRISE guess who’s his next door neighbor that he somehow never ran into despite living there for two years. ashiro mina 🕺🕺🕺 he’s like Too flustered to speak and mina is like (playing it cool) you were with that nuisance weren’t you (knows who he is)

and he’s like um yeah. unfortunately. and she just nods (HER BRAIN IS SILENTLY WORKING IN OVERDRIVE TRYING TO MAKE TJE CONVO LAST LOBGER BUT SHES SOOO OSHIT TALKING AND SOCIAL INTERACTIONS) so she gives up and decides this is where fate takes her. she has yet again failed to get the attention of the really cute guy. (also she knows they’re neighbours)

but. BUT AN OPPORTUJITY ARISES when she unlocks her door and one of her cats ZOOMS out and she’s like ??’!&:&:$ and with her fast reflexes manages to grab it before it disappears and she holds in her arms and quietly chides it for being naughty and HOSHINA. hoshina found dead in a ditch because Oh That’s So Cute. the stoic pet store employee who hisses out insults to narumi (understandably) has an endearing side.

“does that happen often. you reacted pretty quick.”

“it’s not the first time but i swear my cats are good.”

and hoshina raises an eyebrow and is like. Multiple? and DING DING DING MINA HAS FOUND A CHANCE. she goes do u wanna. see them. and hoshina IS ALSO GOIING YIPPIE here’s my chance so he’s like Ahem Yeah . Sure. (panicking) but asks if her cats are okay with dogs first or if he shld bring his dog in (who is By the way. being very excited about mina and has been wagging its tail trying to get her attention the entire time. the moment mina smiled at it. hoshina died)

and yes! her cats are in fact okay with dogs so they enter her apartment and mina stalls at the entranceway bc she can’t remember if she’s cleaned the place recently or not but it’s thankfully NOT in a mess. hoshina laughs at the sheer amount of cat related items in her place and is like u must rly like cats huh.

(which would also explain why she told off narumi in the pet store for being too impulsive “don’t adopt if you can’t even take care of it. idiot.”)

ALSO ALSO. pro athlete moment comes in when mina has to travel to do whatever sport i haven’t decided and she needs someone to pet sit (would ask kafka but kafka was like Hey u like that guy don’t u why not ask him and he’s Literally ur neighbour?) so . More shenanigans. and mina is like crazy abt her cats so she’s like can we please video call every other day i know it’s annoying but i have to see my cats. and hoshina is just swooning thats so cute (mina then realizes its a bad idea bc seeing her not crush eye candy with HER cats playing with them and looking adorable IS SO BAD FOR HER HEART) and heahZ oh my goodness. I love love.

ARGHHH also hoshina eventually finds out she’s a regular at the cafe he works at when his coworker (i’ll make it one of the platoon leaders) greets her with ashiro-chan! and hoshina has to try not to burn himself on the coffee machine.

(from then on he memorises her order and makes sure to be the one who makes it and oh my god he writes cute things on her cups and gives her bonus goodies) . dies

HOW DO I END THIS I WANNA WRITE IT. but i cant get them going out too suddenly either there needs to be build up. pet play dates. ohhh one of her cats falling sick and she doesn’t know what’s wrong and she’s so so worried and hoshina is there to comfort her…. SLEEPOVERS when hoshina’s something idk maybe his shower stops working or something idfk and he crashes at her place. oughhhhhh

WHEN MINA GOES FOR HER MORNING RUNS ON THE WEEKENDS HOSHINA STARTS JOINING HER WITH HIS DOG (dying)

WHAT IF THET WENT CAMPINGTOGETHER. god okay i need to like find an ending i guess they get together BUT HOWWWWW im always stuck at endings damn.

[wulvert]

HACK WHEEZE GOOFNMOR NING. IT IS NOT MORNING FOR ME ACTUALLY I HAV MISSED IT BY A LONGSHOT. ANYWAYS HAPPY BELATED PAPERTEETH DAY YOU WON THROUGH THE ILLNESS!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

tw for: discussion of suicide (about avery) nd questions about avery's mental state i guess? if ur uncomfortable with answering the questions here for any reason pls for the love of god do NOT answer. or delete the ask nd i can resend it without this part. theres a marker for when i stop talking about it!

i am. so deeply concerned about avery's mental state. the repeated showcases of such severe self hatred to the point of suicidal ideation is so so worrying i want her 2 be happy. i like exploring nd expanding on it when i write her though!!! complex characters my beloved. was avery. always in this mental state before being turned? or was it. becoming a vampire that triggered it. or did becoming a vampire just like. make what she already had worse? i am. very worried for her

(discussion of suicidal topic end)

um. heres a lighter question: WHY DID SCARLET REACT LIKE THAT WHEN AVERY FIRST CALLED HER,,,WHO DID SHE THINK WAS CALLING,,,IS THIS JUST HOW SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. IS IT RELATED 2 SCARLETS "FEELS ALONE TO THE POINT OF ABNORMALITY" THING ND SHE WAS JUST RLY EXCITED 2 HAVE SOMEONE CALL? IS IT JUST A FOR FUN DETAIL IM OVERTHINKING. I HAVE 2 KNOW,,,

also. how did scarlet know where avery lives. did she like. ask trisha nd trisha asked her dad/rummaged through his files? asked kelly?

GOODMORNING ITS 5PM! I did it,,,

ok yeah tw: implied suicidal ideation pretty much what lesbian_1sm said:

right so she's def never been this low b4- but she's definitely overall throughout her life been pretty empty, she's never had any control of her own life, its all been what her parents want for her & her brothers- becoming a vampire's the worst possible scenario for her, she under 0 circumstances can fulfill her parents wants in any way whatsoever. so that sucks, cuz she's dedicated every waking moment of her life to that. she's raised to think vampires existing is morally wrong- so she feels guilty for not being dead but she also, honestly doesn't want to die, she's never rly got to live 4 herself but it seems like the only thing ethical thing she can do. so she hates herself a lot, but she also hates herself for not hating herself more. rip. she is gonna latch onto any "excuse" for her to not turn herself in, she just needs some outside thing to justify it to herself with. she genuinely thinks kelly would just kill her no questions asked if she told him even though theyve been friends for like. a gazillion years.

she'll be okay though i think becoming a vampires necessary for her to get better in the long run otherwise she'd stick to that murder grindset for the rest of time

ITSA OVER WE CAN TALK ABT SCARLET AND HER LESS OVERT DESPAIR NOW WAHOO

I THINK SHE'S JUST LIKE THAT NOW. shes not used to people anymore. a spam call is a huge event for her- she has to make them stay to talk for a minute.

she probably asked around, i think vampire hunters like to impose so a few people probably know where she lives- & scarlet probably just said she wanted to check up on her after hearing about the disruption - her desperate intensity probably made ppl think they were close friends (not out of character for avery not to let her friends know where she lives, so whatever) so they unquestioningly gave it to her.

[yuttikkele]

Also! C!george being able to see the multiverse through a lil window dreamXD made to show him

What does he see?

CC!george, sapnap and dream watching a football game (cc!george isnt really watching anyhow) (XD explains how everything is pacific and domestic here without wars or dumb monarchies and betrayals they all just live together and chill)

A swapped places AU where c!dream isnt a weirs puppet thing and is actually c!george who is that weird monster (that c!dream stares back and just stares confused until some weird god comes by and XD changes the universe quickly) ("who was that?" '...did i tell you im divorced?' "...loser." '...LOSER???!!')

....flowers from 1970... But its just a room with poems in the walls and the palms marked in them with that specific song playing ("...what happened here?" 'Some dimensions are good and have nice endings and some dont! Thats just how it is' "oh...not my problem anyway") (i alao dont know if you know abt the fanfic its pretty good but also quite old) (no good ending tho)

Manhunt

Mcc

Squid craft 2 (the part where george finds dream just dead as hell) (i dont even know if you even watched the event)

And well if you thought the cc!au was upsetting!

The window opens to the inside of the castle that is decorated with blue and white and c!george sitting in the throne and c!dream is just by the side of the throne with a knight kind of look just talking to him about his day

C!george gets upset and closes the window "this sucks youre an idiot and this is dumb" '...making that window is hard you know?' "I dont care leave me alone i have things to do" 'mean.' "I dont care"

....ALSO

Yess! Draculaura just starts assigning superheroes to her friends (most dont make sense thanks to her lack of knowledge in the topic) then she finds a comic where they did make batman a vampire and she just refuses to think that it isnt the principal story

Clawdeen hates Twilight

She wakes up and posts abt how much she hates it everyday for like 4 months until she finds a good book of werewolves to read

oh my gosh i forgot to answer this i’m so sorry 😭😭 i looked at it and was like “ok i’ll answer that later” and then forgot about it

WINDOW BEDTIME STORIES!!! George gets an au bedtime story POG

weirdthingC!george and actuallynormalC!dream is a cool little swap :000!! AND XD BEING DIVORCED BAHAHAHAHA

i think i remember flowers from 1970? probably? it’s a dnf fanfic right? i think my dreamteam friend told me she was reading it at one point

OK SO. I feel like the external videos, previous smps, and contests are still a part of the dsmp. At least most of them. Like, the characters are an extension of the CC and their YouTube/Twitch journey. The characters join the dsmp, and they come from different places, and those places are the series the CC is currently working on. Like they have a built in backstory.

For instance: Tommy, SMPEarth and Skyblock are canon for him. Philza, hardcore world and SMPEarth. Techno, Hypixel, MCM, SMPEarth, so on and so forth. BadBoyHalo, MunchyMC, videos with Skeppy, and MCM. And Dream, MunchyMC and Manhunts. MCC for all of these too. I gave a lot of examples just to show a lot of the different places they come from. There can ofc be more!

And I KNOW they said it wasn’t canon, but I think the Fundy marriage was canon too. Just to put into perspective how many of these things are considered canon for anyone who might be in doubt, everyone thought the Fundy proposal videos were canon until they said it wasn’t. Which obviously I didn’t listen to.

I will say, I do continue the “characters are an extension of their CC” thing with the QSMP (like the dsmp part of the character is canon in the qsmp), but with the QSMP, they knew they were making characters, so not all things really flow over the same, at least we don’t know if the dsmp is canon yet (some other old smps seem to be though), but I still headcanon that the island tried to wipe the characters memories and make them forget about important things they left behind so they wouldn’t want to leave the island. Thus, the character is still carried on, they probably just don’t know it.

Anyways, carrying on. I actually haven’t watched Squid Craft 2. I did not know that existed :0

And dw I was not saddened by the window. But like I did just sorta explain, George looking at the manhunt would be like George looking at his happy past. The knight thing’s totally an au tho.

“Why’d I get stuck with the janky old broke hobo Dream?” —c!George

Draculaura says that Ghoulia is the Flash, and Ghoulia is upset that Draculaura assigned her as the “off brand Dead Fast.”

and clawdeen WOULD hate twilight. I actually just started reading it, and it was going pretty well until the whole “dude makes girl uncomfortable but it’s ok because she actually secretly likes it!! Haha!!” thing. I feel like clawdeen would hate twilight mostly though because she sees herself in the main character, but the story reacts in such ways that are just unsatisfactory and not at all what actually happen to a girl like Bella, which Clawdeen experiences because she feels she is actually a girl like Bella and she HATES IT. She’s like, “That’s not how it works! Vampires might have all these super awesome powers, but that’s not what makes them likable!!” (as I haven’t read enough of twilight yet, I just have a hunch about this hc, so I will say my main basis for clawdeen relating to Bella is because she also has a crush on a vampire.)

And instead of a werewolf book, she actually finds the dog version of warriors.

[zhuhongs]

ahhhh, i always say this but i rlly choose this for myself. i choose to be alone and not go out bc i never ask anyone to go anywhere with me. and i feel okay by myself. if i didnt know that everyone around me seemingly has great relationships with other ppl i rlly wouldnt feel anything missing but ik that. and it really feels so... gid. i need to learn how to invest in relationships with others but i never seem to know how to do that bc i judge everything too quickly when those good friendships are made by pocking someone and actually rlly trying to get to know them which i dont do and im just. pain. ive gotten better. i can talk to my classmates easily. i say hi to them on the bus. i can do it, but its the next step. but i made the first step so thats smth. but. god. i dont want to go home. but i dont have anyone thats rlly making me stay here. and i miss my friends, i miss having someone to go to, more than anything else AND WHY IS NOBODY BY MITSKI STARTING. SPOTIFY WHY DO U DO THIS TO ME. anyways im hot and sexy and well adjusted and anyways i think imma look for a therapist when i get back home bc i think it could help me achieve the things i want. i always hear my friends talk abt therapy and theyre always like.. it just. doesnt help bc they don't know what the want besides some comfort and for things to nit be awful. and i really feel for them, bc i was there and i tried therapy Once in those days and it felt useless so i never went back but now i actually think i could bebefit from it. ik my brother goes to therapy and says its helped him with his ptsd a lot. i think my ptsd isnt an issue. its more just trying to rewrite the habits i formed while living in an abusive family. but yea.

[tyunni]

I hope your break is good too! I don't know if you celebrate Thanksgiving but I hope your day is good!! Ah! Thank you! I don't fully know how to swim either but I love swimming and begin in water, and teaching the kids! It can be annoying at times but I love it!! Don't feel bad about not touching drafts! I know how you feel about procrasting things you like, I honestly do it all the time! So your not alone!! I will have to check that song out! I was just listening to a ton of Big Time Rush! I watched a live concert of theirs! It was a rerun of sorts of a concert at Madison Square Garden in July I think! And they are a huge inspiration to me so I was very excited! Plus I did some new songs too since they started makinh music again!! I'm sorry if I talking too much I am very excited and emotional right now! I keep seeing stuff like is like making me very happy and emotional and I cannot hide it! Plus I get crazy talkative when I am happy!

Sorry im answering a lil late 🫡🫡 we dont celebrate Thanksgiving here but i hope ur day also went very well 🫶🫶 and thank u sm 😞 ill tr my best not to worry abt the drafts and stuff i'll probably get something done sooner or later.. ALSO OH MY GOD I LOVE BIG TIME RUSH SO MUCH!!! THEY WERE MY CHILDHOOD 🙏🙏😭😭😭😭😭 I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THEM A LOT RECENTLY AS WELL BCUZ LIKE IDK WHY OR HOW BUT THEIR MUSIC STARTED TRENDING ON TIKTOK A LITTLE WHILE AGO???? AND ME AND A FRIEND OF MINE HAD BEEN TALKING ABT NOSTALGIC SHOWS AND BTR A LOT SO I JUST KINDA SAT DOWN AND STARTED LISTENING TO THEM AGAIN AND THEIR SONGS SLAAAAPPP LIKE I FORGOT HOW GOOD THEY WERE 🫡 im gonna sit down and rewatch the show today bcuz god i miss it 🤗🤗 and dw abt talking too much u defo defo defooooo arent trust me 🫶 i also tend to think i talk a lot when i get excited but trust me it's totally fine <33 my favorite from BTR was Logan did u have a favorite??

[hiding-in-my-blanket-fort]

hey, i was just going through your cptsd tag and seeing other ppl who have been through the same helps me feel less alone and i stumbled onto your post abt.. wanting a supportive community, and i just want to give you a million hugs cause i still dream of something like that but reading the terrible "friends" you've had to make do with... you deserved so much better, truly. and i hope you find a good friend someday, someone who will appreciate your time and your sweet gifts (writing a whole book for your best friend is such a SWEET thing to do let me tell you i would've devoured the book in a day and any good friend would do the same and i'm just so so sorry that anyone could be that callous in the face of such a token of love.) i hope this doesn't come across as a weird message becz i really just wanted send you some love and yes. godd you deserve better and i hope you know that and i hope you get that someday soon ❤

Are you an actual honest-to-god angel, dear anon???? I’ve re-read your message countless times since I found it in my inbox this morning and it blows me away every time!!

First, I just want to say I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through some tough shit to put you in the CPTSD tag to begin with. The effects of CPTSD are so insidious that it can be really hard to recognize what’s happening, let alone living with it every minute of the day. You are not alone at all and there are many people who are seeking healing and looking to create a healthy, positive, supportive environment after what they’ve endured. Even though I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with this, it’s also a relief that you’re taking the steps to educate yourself, to connect with other people who understand what you’ve been through. Educating yourself and finding understanding the way you are now is the key to liberating yourself and building a better life. 💜

Second, that is quite possibly THE KINDEST thing I’ve ever heard in my life!! 💜 It’s not weird AT ALL. It’s incredibly validating and I think what you’ve done in your message - recognizing the pain someone has been through and wishing them better (without the toxic positivity of, “Oh, just try harder, you’ll find someone! You’ll see!” - that can really, truly go a long, long way to providing closure and healing for people.

(On top of that, my mind is totally boggled that you read my whole rambling vent post, let alone took the time to write such a thoughtful message! 😭)

In all honesty, I’ve reached a point where I’m learning that being without friends is okay. I was steeped in co-dependency growing up, catering to my mother’s every need. It’s good for me to not focus on someone else’s needs instead of my own. Sure, I’d like a supportive community, but I think a supportive community is actually more rare than simply going out and finding one like so many people make it out to be. I think it’s just as valuable to learn to walk away from toxic individuals and be alone, rather than forcing yourself to fit. Yeah, it’s a painful lesson, but I’d rather learn how to be alone rather than staying with those toxic “friends” and enduring that shitty treatment out of fear of being friendless.

Of course it would be fun to have someone to do things with. It’s hard to hear people talk about doing things with their “besties” like road trips or going to the movies as if it’s a totally common experience when I can’t relate at all.

But I’ve been hiking solo a lot lately and it has been so, so peaceful to be on the trail alone, with the rain in the leaves and the mist rolling in. I live for little pockets of peace like that, where all the stress melts from your body and there’s this calm that settles over you like everything is okay, right here, right now.

I’ve always felt so confused and scattered around people, scrambling to interpret social cues, hating cliques, feeling like the odd one out all the time, etc. I’m developing a newfound appreciation for solitude and how much value it has to offer.

In regards to the book, I have a happy note about that! Last year, I decided to go all-in and follow my dream of being a self published author. After only a year of writing full-time, I have a decent following of readers who love my books now. They’re not friends of course but it’s really incredible to see random strangers eagerly grab anything I write. I don’t have to beg them to read my stuff. I’ve even had a few readers contact me via email to tell me how much they liked my book (which blew my MIND).

For the people who didn’t appreciate what I had to offer, there are other people who will. And I don’t have to “try harder to make it work” the way my mother always insisted I needed to do. I think this is a part of my life where I’m learning that I don’t have to chase people and I’m practicing walking away from those who tear me down.

I hope you find some peace of your own, dear anon, on your journey of healing through CPTSD. Thank you so, so much for your kind, thoughtful words and I’m sending you a giant bear hug in return! 💜

[saintangelina]

where angels don't fly #1

this picture is from my 22nd birthday, a day that i spent crying in bed, the first half at least. it's truly kunt how one can be receiving a ton of happy bday messages and be so distraught with life lmao.

leading up to it i just didn't feel like doing nothing for my bday, for no specific reason just vibes. i have a very different view of things and tbh i try to celebrate myself as much as possible during the ENTIRE year, so i just didn't feel like there was much in the air to commemorate. my mom was insisting on having dinner outside with some of my friends, including my dad, and with that simple request, me knowing i had a very femme look planned for the night out, i freezed to the thought of posting up outside with my dad "looking like that". mind u, he doesn't say shit abt it ever lmao, those times are long gone but those scars very much woke tf up in that moment.

this caused an insane crisis, were i was reflecting deeply abt the fact that, my truth, my essence, my soul's true purpose and flourishing is conditioned to my current location. this is still true, partially. but i'm very privileged, i try to remind myself of that because i'm graced with alot of peace that others that look like me just don't have. that never kept the monsters away though. ALL my life i've been frozen, succumbed to the words of those around me, i've created beautiful realities within my own safe space, the digital world. creation is my purpose but for so long i've let how the world views me condition my movement. i think i'm slowly getting my voice back, and my will to just bulldoze life with art. and somehow i think my birthday reminded me of that, so i guess there was something to celebrate after all :p

by god's will and divine timing, we finally had our sleepover!! these two angels are the ones who remind me of my humanity, of deserving unconditional love and support, of being me and allowing myself to breathe. ethereal souls that get my hand every time and say "you're good!". i'm forever grateful that i can share this life with them, and that night i learned more than i did in months. i learned that i'm not to fault for falling deep in the traps of unrequited love - in the form of lust - and looking for the most basic human necessities like touch in someone that will simply not give it to me, because they're not supposed to. i was also reminded to share, share share share. i trap years of guilt within me and i've just arrived my 20s, and i know damn well i don't want to be the seniors around me, engulfed in decades of trauma, pain and stagnancy. i made a vow to forever be honest about what's going on with me, with them at least, because i pick and choose very carefully who can be apart of my tapestry.

but these two...every inch of them, and every inch of me is valid when we are around each other, and i honestly wish everyone carried just a lil bit of that frequency with them everyday. pure magia

meanwhile, miss twigs is out here saving lives and exceeding the bar once again. been listening to eusexua (the unreleased was to feel alone) for the past months since the valentino l'école show, and she truly just feels like a hug of hope, getting me out of the darkness with the use of it, with sensorial bpms that just make every cell in my body vibrate every stain of doubt away & fully letting go. i hope one day i can tell her the depths of what she makes me feel just out of 4 minutes and 23 seconds of music, let alone an entire discography, and ngl manifesting we'll become peers of the craft and we can work together period.

an eclipse in pisces is upon us, the astrologers are saying to not do much, practice patience, rest and let the higher up do its thing. so i’m just gonna bathe myself in faith salts, put a juicy body oil, drink some tea and relaaaaaaaax.

....................ʢᴗ.ᴗʡᶻ

well LMAO, hi. i've decided to start a dramatic journaling journey of journal journalism on here, the format is great and i always felt like i needed to spread my thoughts/seeds through every corner of the internet that i can. idgaf about typos, oversharing, self-centeredness LMAO. i'm learning to value my rants, and giving it a digital medium that's slightly customizable is cute. this is gonna be my vessel from me to me so i can elaborate more on my experiences, and keep up with myself. if someone finds it, hopefully it'll spark a thought or two.

angelina xx