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darkeraurora · 1 year ago

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Admissions - Chapter 4

Minors DNI pretty please.

A slight trigger warning for unstable/abusive parents. Nothing graphic but for those of us who had or have verbally abusive parents you might choose to skip over the parts in bold italics.

For the past two days Ghost had been holed up in his room following his little moment on the rooftop and couldn't be cajoled into leaving.

Gaz tried.

Price tried.

Soap tried. Twice. And very narrowly avoided having a short-tempered lieutenant rip his head off the second time.

The others around base seemed to take their cue from Soap's experience and avoided the area around Ghost's door.

Mostly.

"Really not a good idea!" a familiar Scottish accent hollered from down the corridor, earning a cocked eyebrow from the masked lieutenant. He focused his hearing... must be about 10 meters or so down the hall from the sound of it. Footsteps were rapidly approaching; light ones at first followed by heavier ones running to catch up.

Soap's evidently, judging by the continuous shouted warnings. Fucking hell. Ghost felt his irritation rising at the notion of yet another intrusion into his space. Whoever was about to interrupt his alone time had better be on fire or something. That was about the only circumstance in which he could see himself being understanding.

Someone opened his door without knocking and caused the lieutenant to squint as light flooded his darkened room. But once he focused on the small figure in his room, clad in a dark hoodie and leggings, all annoyance faded into nervousness.

His heart began to race in his chest at her approach. Ohhh shit. Simon was not ready to face her yet after his rooftop fantasy... and here she was in his fucking room. Ghost tensed, braced for an intense ass-chewing as her little steps quickly brought her closer to him.

Without making eye contact or saying a single word, Sereza marched over to where the skull sat on his bed, plopped down next to him, kicked off her shoes, and leaned back against the wall just as he was.

Simon's eyebrows furrowed in a mix of amused bewilderment.

"...come in." he quipped.

Sereza didn't say a word or look his way. Her hand wriggled inside her pocket for a moment before a bottle of water was practically shoved in his face. Two days in this drab, sunless den of his without coming out even to eat was enough, and she had come to pry him out of his brooding spot no matter the cost. Gently, of course. If her theories about the lieutenant and what went on in that masked head were correct, then this called for a delicate approach.

"Hm," the skull grumbled, taking the water from her lest she shove it through his eye socket next.

Only once she produced her own bottle and cracked it open did he reluctantly do the same. Thanks Love. Ghost bit the inside of his cheek in exasperation at his inability to say such a simple little phrase aloud. But the ever-present voice of his father screaming at him and mocking him wouldn't let Simon utter a sound. Something about him being pitiful and a sorry excuse for a kid or whatever it was.

Ghost tramped it back down, refusing to let the memories of his father ruin a moment with Sereza.

The next few minutes ticked by, and Ghost found his mood gradually improving. He stole another sideways glance over at the black hoodie at his side. "You're in my room," he grumbled half-heartedly. A small attempt to start a conversation.

"Smartass," she retorted without turning her face.

Simon chuckled at her response. Even cracked a small half-smile. She could be such fun to bicker with. "Why are you in my room?"

"A few reasons: First of all, you've been alone in this gloomy hidey-hole -"

"Hidey-hole??"

"- of yours for two days now. And secondly, because I wanted to." Scolding words but her tone told him there was no irritation behind them, only concern. The last one actually made him crack a tiny smile. She was here with him - in his room, on his bed - because she wanted to be where he was. Just as Price had said.

The two sat in comfortable (if somewhat awkward on his part) silence a while longer. Both lost in the thoughts and worlds that existed only in their heads.

"Were you mad at me?" Sereza finally asked in a quiet voice.

"What?" Ghost nearly croaked, surprised at her question.

"Well, you kinda took off all of a sudden, in a hurry, and..." her head turned in his direction a bit, though not enough to reveal her face, "And then you shut yourself in your room for two days. So... I started to think maybe I said or did something that made you mad."

That was unexpected, to say the least. If anyone was going to be mad, she should be mad at him. And probably would be if she ever found out about his fantasy... or had seen what it did to the front of his pants.

Simon felt guilty. He'd been in his... hidey-hole... over his mortification and shame over a fucking daydream (even if it was really hot) but in doing so he'd accidentally hurt the woman he loved by making her think he was angry with her. He silently cursed the way his mind worked for the umpteenth time before gathering his courage.

He brushed his knuckles delicately along the back of Sereza's hand. "No Sereza, I wasn't ever mad at you," his low baritone soothed, "My mind is... complicated... sometimes. I'm sorry I made you think I was angry with you."

"Why did you scurry off so quickly?"

Scurry?? Ghost had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at the implication that he, of all people, scurried.

"I don't, uh, I don't always have a good explanation for what I do." Simon hoped that was enough of an answer. It was about as close to honest as he could get without telling her the entire truth. Something he was very much not ready to do. His hand kept rubbing hers as he tried to convey through his touch how much he regretted making her feel that way.

Finally Sereza acknowledged his attempt at an apology by returning the gesture. Simon's breath caught in his throat for a moment as her fingertips began lazily tracing the lines of his tattooed forearm. He found her touch both electrifying and relaxing. "Why have you been hiding in here all of this time?"

"Still don't have a good explanation... just had a lot on my mind," his gravelly voice mumbled as he kept his eyes focused on her fingers. Her hand looked so little compared to his large one. The touch of her fingers light and comforting against his skin. A sensation both precious and unfamiliar.

Ghost wished the rest of the night could be just like this moment.

Sereza seemed to accept that would be all he was willing to share for now and her attention turned to rummaging in her hoodie once more, producing a pencil and sketchbook. "Bloody hell Little one, how much shit do you have in there?"

"Only the most important shit," she replied with a snarky tone, tossing her hood back and running a hand through her caramel waves.

She flipped through the filled pages of her book. The drawings caught Simon's attention like they always did. A moose with giant antlers, bears, the river not far away, and faces of people from around the base - most of whom he didn't recognize - with random doodles and scribbles scattered throughout. All of them in astounding detail. The night's quiet filled his room again while he contentedly watched her pencil glide over the page in practiced strokes to create the outline of a face. Tiny scratching noises of graphite on paper were the only sound between them. The lieutenant was actually having a peaceful evening for once. Certainly a rare but not unwelcome change.

“You sketch a lot," he whispered, dark eyes fixed on her page.

“Can’t sleep a lot. What about you?”

“Barely fucking sleep,” Ghost grumbled.

There it is. An admission to what she had suspected. Sereza knew better than most others what dark thoughts could creep into a person's mind at night. They could torment you to the brink of insanity and drive you into the darkest holes the human mind could create. The kind that are only open to those who have experienced the worst that life can inflict on someone.

Her battles had made her able to recognize the signs of someone who was suffering through their own. Someone whose nightmares visited them both day and night without mercy.

Like the masked lieutenant beside her.

What exactly those nightmares were, she was unsure of. But it was clear they were ruthless in their assault. “It sucks that our minds can be so much more active at night, doesn’t it? Mine won’t shut the hell up most of the time," Sereza replied with clear annoyance and a subtle, calculating side-eye that Ghost didn't catch.

Simon hummed in both understanding and agreement before his expression took on a far-off look. A look recognizable to those who also fought against their own mind daily.

Sereza observed him discreetly. Wherever his mind was taking him was not going to be a good place. Sighing loudly, she repositioned herself, causing the mattress to move and allowing her knee to accidentally-on-purpose brush against Ghost's leg in a subtle attempt to get him grounded without drawing any attention.

The skull blinked as he snapped back to their reality. With a knowing grin, she resumed tracing his tattoo in order to keep him in the moment.

Hoping to keep his mind from wandering off again, Sereza started talking aloud. “When I can’t sleep I like going on a walk. I like how quiet it is at night and seeing the stars and aurora overhead. The sky is really pretty this far north where there aren't any city lights to ruin it..."

The Brit listened as she went on about the things she did on her sleepless nights and what she loved about life in the Arctic. Her voice was indescribably soothing. Simon had never been one for chit-chat but all of this, for some reason, felt like incredibly important information. Plus it was relaxing to listen as she chattered away. Hell, he could - and wanted to - listen to her all night long. And the next night and the one after that. All of the rest of his nights and days he could spend exactly like this.

"... but if it’s one of those nights where I don't sleep at all then I might sketch. Or read. What do you usually do?” Sereza asked as her little monologue wound down.

"Hm. Gym. Clean my guns..." he trailed off. That was what he used to do to try and keep his worst memories locked away at night, but it wasn't what he wanted to do anymore. He wanted, craved - desperately - more of this. The peaceful quiet, the tranquility, and connection that his evening had turned into the moment Sereza walked through his door. At no other time was Ghost able to experience any of these in his life.

Only with her.

Simon took a deep breath to calm his nerves at what he was about to say next.

Gathering every ounce of his courage and bravery as he entwined his fingers with her slender ones -

"I... think about you."

"Me?!" Sereza almost squeaked, dropping her pencil. Wide eyes glued to him.

"Yeah," the skull admitted almost sheepishly, nerves making his accent thicker. Fucking hell... no going back now.

Hazel eyes tried to discern what was going on in that masked head. He was clearly on the cusp of saying something important, but he was also very obviously hesitant. "...I keep you awake?" She gave him her best fake-sad tone.

Simon nodded in response. "Yeah. You do. Quite a lot." He paused and held her hand tighter. He was right before about how little her hand was within his. "I sit for hours and think about you. Nonstop. Day and night. I think about you all the bloody time." His throat stung with the emotions he was forcing himself to admit to her. "At first I didn't understand what was going on and was fucking scared as hell by how intense my... feelings... for you were, but... before I knew it..." Ghost paused before finishing hurriedly, "You're on my mind all of the damn time. All I care about, all that I want."

"Ghost... are-are you-"

"I love you…," he confessed in a dejected whisper. ("WHAT THE FUCK?! NO KID OF MINE IS GONNA BE SUCH A FUCKING PATHETIC LITTLE SHIT!! QUIT CRYING BEFORE I FUCKING MAKE YOU!!")

Once again, his father's voice filled his mind with hateful words. His eyes stung and his throat locked up.

("YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU? YOU THINK ANYONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU?! ALL YOU'VE BEEN GOOD FOR IS RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE JUST LIKE YOU RUIN EVERYTHING ELSE! NO ONE WILL EVER FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU AND IF THEY DO, YOU'LL RUIN THEIR FUCKING LIVES TOO!")

Horrible memories of yelling, screaming, violence, his mother pleading with his father to stop... all came crashing down and threatened to bury him.

He had to stop himself.

This was not the life he wanted to subject Sereza to. His past... the anxieties and trauma and nightmares... none of it should be something she should have to deal with. He would ruin her life. God he was fucked up and falling in love with someone was horrendously fucking selfish of him.

"But I can't. You have a future ahead of you... and I will ruin it." His gravelly voice heavy with the crushing weight of emotion. "You are so, so beautiful to me. So perfect. And deserve everything good in life. I will ruin you..."

The skull stood and turned his back to her, unable to stand the hurt it caused him to face her any longer.

"Ghost-"

The Brit cut her off, shaking his head, "Forget I said anything," he mumbled, refusing to turn around and roughly pulling the sleeve of his hoodie back down over his arm.

"What if I said that I don't care that you're complicated?" Sereza asked, sliding her hand into his once more as she moved to stand in front of him.

He silently contemplated her words. Her proximity was making it increasingly difficult to keep his hands to himself.

"I've killed people..." came a barely audible whisper.

"Who would have killed you. Or worse,” Sereza replied firmly.

"I've done horrible things."

"To survive,” she corrected. “I'm not afraid of who you've had to become in order to complete a mission and make it out alive."

"I'm... I'm not a good man... I will hurt you. And I don’t want to hurt you.”

Those dark eyes held more pain within them than she had seen in ages and it was breaking her heart. What has happened to you? How long have you suffered alone like this? "I know exactly what soldiers like you are capable of, but I'm still here, aren't I? You won’t hurt me or scare me away, Ghost. I'm here now, I have been here, and I will still be here in the future... because I love you too."

Simon’s entire body tensed and he drew in a shaky breath at the sound of those words. You... you don't want me Love...

"Sereza..." Ghost shook his head. He'd wanted so fucking much to hear her say those words to him one day... but it only caused him more internal misery.

He believed, with his entire soul, that he was beyond loving. His father had made sure he was well aware of it when Simon was little and then there was his captivity in Mexico, the scars of which were carved into him. A permanent testament to his unworthiness.

He had to prove to her that he was not what she wanted.

Reaching up with a shaking hand, Ghost grabbed the top of his balaclava and pulled.

He could physically feel her gaze cutting into him as she took in his appearance. The numerous scars, the mop of sandy blond hair his father always said was hideous and messy, his nose had a bump in it and was a bit crooked from being broken multiple times. A face that so resembled his father's. How could the Brit not be convinced she was as repulsed by what she saw as he was? Surely she found fault in everything there was about him just like everyone else in his life always had. He took up too much space, was too sensitive, not man enough, loved his mother too much...

His father had quite a lengthy list of everything wrong or bad about him and Simon had learned it well.

Dark eyes locked onto the floor between them, unable to look at her disgusted expression. Cheeks and nose reddened as he fought to maintain control over his emotions.

Small hands reached up and tenderly cradled his scarred cheeks. "I love you... Simon Riley," Sereza murmured, tiptoeing to lightly kiss one of his scars near his chin.

The gesture and hearing her call him by his name made him crumble a bit on the inside and a single tear slid down his cheek where she wiped it away with her thumb.

Ghost risked a small glance at her. None of the revulsion or pity he feared seeing was anywhere on her face. Instead there was love. Acceptance. Comfort. Safety. All being offered to him freely and unconditionally. And Simon nearly shattered at the sight of it.

She leaned forward again and left another small peck on a scar at his jaw. Barely pulling away from him after and glancing up into the dark pools of his unblinking eyes before pulling his head down for a final kiss to the scar near his lower lip, causing him to release a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Simon tilted his face further down and lightly brushed his lips across hers briefly. "...I love you," he whispered, his mouth hovering just above hers.

Sereza grinned as she tiptoed again to reach him and kissed his lips. Quick, but not lacking in loving affection whatsoever.

Dipping his head closer, he wrapped his arm around her back and threaded his fingers into the soft waves of her hair. "I love you Sereza." Their lips came together as Simon, at last, allowed himself to take his fill of her lush lips and embrace the woman he loved. Sereza's lips were every bit as soft as he'd imagined they were. And so sweet.

She hummed in delight, pressing closer to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. One hand sliding into his hair.

“Stay tonight?” Simon asked after their long kiss finally wound down. “Not to- Just to sleep,” he quickly clarified.

A bright smile beamed up at him. “I’d like that.” Sereza left little kisses just under his jawline - about as high as she could reach if the Brit wasn't bending down for her.

Unable to resist, Simon pulled her up to him for a proper kiss. He then guided her to the bed where once under the covers he pulled her close against his chest, his cheek resting against her forehead. Little strands of her hair tickled his chin. Sereza squirmed beside him a bit as she got comfortable before she reacquired his tattooed arm.

“That feels nice,” Ghost softly admitted while he watched her fingers glide across his skin.

"Yeah?”

“Mhm. It’s gentle and your skin is soft. It’s... calming…” A yawn cut him off. His eyes heavy with sleep and the sensation of her fingertips only relaxed him further.

“Good. I’m glad,” Sereza quietly replied as she continued her tracing and snuggling closer to his large frame. “I love you Simon,” she whispered.

Ghost shut his eyes at the feeling her words stirred inside him. He lightly kissed her forehead. “I love you too.”