#never in my life did I think I would draw as many statues of Buddha as I have. thanks Genya.

[zehl0w]

Happy birthday my baby boy my present to you is my first ever fully finished comic

[gryfon-spanish-werewolf]

Cuddle Corner (Part 2)

A long time coming, literally ~5 years, the sequel to the original Cuddle Corner. This one was highly requested on ao3 and ff.net, but honestly? I wanted it just as bad.

This story is dedicated to @fruipit. One because your enthusiasm for the original was so energizing, and two, because I still owe you a larger fic but here I am on the one-year-anniversary of that to offer this one instead xD

Edit: for those who love to favorite and comment: ao3 and ff.net are now available!

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The background buzz of the mall’s food court droned around Anna and Kristoff as they dug into their meals. Work would come calling soon, but it was their lunch break, and the reuben’s they made here were well worth the drive, the parking nightmare, and the overpriced soft drink that came with it.

Kristoff watched Anna. While generally a reserved man, his quiet was different now, observant. After devouring half of his sandwich, the rest remained practically untouched, but Anna was too busy enjoying her food to notice. Too busy that is, until Kristoff cleared his throat.

“I think you should go back.”

Her sandwich stopped halfway to her mouth. "We are not talking about this." "Anna..." Kristoff leaned forward, posture set firm. Anna met his gaze with equal and opposite determination - and to her credit, she gave it her all. But it was like trying to bully a mountain by throwing pebbles, and eventually she closed her eyes, giving in with a measured inhale and exhale. "You know why I can't." "Yeah, so you've told me." "Then you'll have to forgive me for being short," Anna scowled. "I thought I'd made it clear that that could never be allowed to happen again." "So, what?” Kristoff raised an eyebrow. “You're just going to keep yourself on house arrest and never interact with another human being ever again?" Anna put her meal down. Based on the way her stomach was already tightening in knots, she wasn't getting back to it anyway. "Of course not, that's absurd." Kristoff spread his arms, awaiting an explanation. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I care about you, Anna." Kristoff's face softened. "I won't go so far as to say I know how you feel, because I know that I don't and never truly will. But I do know you. And you haven't been yourself since that appointment." Anna stared at the tabletop, arms close to center. "I know you don't want to talk about it," Kristoff continued, "but whatever happened–"

“Nothing happened!” Anna shouted, drawing concerned looks from the other patrons. The words cut like glass. Her throat felt raw, heart bleeding as it pumped jagged pieces through her chest. She drew her hands back even further when Kristoff offered his own from across the table. She couldn’t. Not now.

God, she hated crying.

A foot nudged hers gently. Anna blinked back the tears, remembering where she was and who she was talking to. This was Kristoff, and he knew her better than anyone.

“Anna, you’re hurting.” He tapped his foot on top of hers, doing it again when she remained silent. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, “but I can’t watch that big goofy heart of yours shrink in on itself any longer.”

He paused and Anna felt the sharp teeth of dread.

“Was it Elsa?”

Anna’s eyes widened. “No! No, Elsa was… Elsa was perfect.”

“You said it reminded you of before.”

“And I stand by that, sort of.” Another nudge and this time Anna tapped Kristoff’s foot back, bringing a smile to his brown eyes. She gave him one of her own, small and weak in comparison. “Elsa was completely professional. We established boundaries and she constantly checked in on me to make sure I was okay. She never did anything without my say-so and she cared about my well-being.” Anna’s expression soured. “Which is exactly where everything went wrong. We hugged, sat together, swapped stories. I felt like I’d known her my whole life! I was even brave enough to put my head in her lap. I got so caught up that I forgot why I can’t do that sort of thing anymore.”

Kristoff offered his hand again and she took it, grateful for his patience. “When that timer went off, everything came flooding back. Everything. Guilt and fear and crushed hope. I threw all of it in her face. Elsa, she... she didn’t deserve that.” Anna’s shoulders dropped with the admission, a weight slipping the ground. She glanced up at Kristoff and shrugged awkwardly. “You know the rest. I’ve avoided talking about it and spent all my free time at home, trying to get my shit together.” She inhaled shakily. “I really thought I was done with this.”

A soothing thumb brushed the back of her hand. She tentatively reached out with her sneaker, warmth softening the sharp edges in her chest when Kristoff bumped her back.

“I’m guessing that means you haven’t called her back, even though you have her card.” Kristoff leaned forward. “You… do still have it?”

Anna nodded. “Right where I left it, stuffed as far down into my jacket pocket as possible.”

“I think you should call her,” He said after a moment of thought.

“Kristoff.” Anna took back her hand, bottom lip caught between her teeth. “I know you’re just trying to help but how many times do I have to say that we, Elsa and I, cannot be a thing? Being ‘a thing’ means spending time together, spending time together means we’ll be affectionate, and being affectionate leads to… more. A-And I can’t give, more.”

“Which is why I’m not suggesting that in the least,” Kristoff replied, face set. “I’m merely saying you call her so she doesn’t think you hate her.”

Ouch. That hurt.

“You’re not the kind of person to wrong someone,” Kristoff continued, “let alone wrong someone and not apologize.” More gently he added, “I know you enjoyed spending time with her, anxiety aside. You’re not even going to give her the chance? Not even to be friends? Professional chums?”

“I don’t know, Kristoff,” Anna crossed her arms. “Are you friends with your therapist?”

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh.”

Kristoff grinned. “You were expecting me to say no, weren’t you?” Anna eyed the rest of her meal by way of answer. “I know she’s not your therapist, and trust me, I understand the urge to keep absolutely everything between you and Elsa professional. But sometimes in a space like that, where it’s just the two of you, you have to be honest too. Sometimes the best way for them to help you is to… well, let them help you.”

“Eloquent.”

“Just another way of saying I’m right, which I will take, thank you.” 

Anna snorted at his antics, smiling a little too. But in the silence that followed the chilling trace of fear wound it’s way under her skin, trailing beneath her bones. She pressed her fingertips to her sternum. Heart and mind said two different things, and it was too soon to decide whether the fleeting spark of hope Kristoff was inspiring would save or destroy her.

“Please,” Kristoff pleaded, “no more of this. However you need to frame it -- for her sake or yours -- make things right with Elsa.” -------------

Anna steeled herself, dial pad staring accusingly when she hesitated again before punching in the number on the card. Her hand shook as she put the phone to her ear. 

She begged for voicemail.

"Hello?” Dammit. “Elsa speaking."

“H-Hey Elsa," she cleared her throat, suddenly hoarse. "It's Anna."

"Anna!" Came the joyful cry, "Wow, Anna I'm... I'm really glad to hear from you." Anna didn't know what to say so she didn't respond. "What can I help you with?"

"I um, I know it’s been forever since we met but I was thinking…” She took a deep breath. She wanted this, didn’t she? “I, wanted to see you again.”

Immediately Anna knew she’d screwed up. “In what way?” Elsa’s voice was dangerously low, cautious in a way that nearly broke Anna’s soft heart. No, not afraid of me, please no.

“As in an appointment,” Anna rushed, backpedaling so fast she felt dizzy.

"Really?” Elsa sounded back to normal, even delightfully surprised. “I mean, of course. That’s why I gave you my number after all.” She laughed, high and breathy. “When would you like to come in?"

Anna hadn't even checked her calendar. Could she be any less prepared? "Um," Anna racked her brain, trying to find an open slot, "how about Saturday?"

"Saturday is good. I have a noon and a four o'clock, whichever works better for you."

"Four is better."

"Great! I'll see you then," Elsa exclaimed. There was a moment of quiet, then, "And hey, Anna?"

Anna swallowed. Elsa's voice had changed again, completely. It was painfully searching, even if Elsa tried to hide with brevity. "Yeah?"

"Thanks... for giving me a second chance."

Elsa hung up, leaving Anna to wonder how she would manage to survive the next three days.

-------------

The waiting room was all too familiar, despite the fact she hadn't been back in months. The music hadn't changed, the buddha statue was still fat and happy, and the reeds still looked fake. Or real. Or both.

A different receptionist checked her in, all smiles and good smells. Apricot, Anna realized as she found a seat. Easy, considering she was the only one here, but unfortunate, since all she really wanted to do was hide.

But Kristoff was right, this was going to be for the best. Elsa, though they'd only interacted for an hour, deserved much more than Anna’s surprisingly cold shoulder.

"Anna?" Lost in her thoughts, she hadn't heard the door open. She looked up and found a pair of eager blue eyes, tempered in a way they shouldn't be. Too cautious.

She'd been hurt.

Shit.

“I’m–. We… are ready to see you now.” Elsa waved her clipboard. “If you’ll just follow me.” 

Down the hall, past the same differently decorated rooms. Elsa’s open white button-down flared over black jeans as she walked, pale braided hair swinging back and forth delicately. It was nice, Anna thought, all these stark negatives against the baked clay hue of the walls and stained wood of the picture frames. Well, not negatives, Elsa could never be a negative, not like that. Anna was just appreciating the contrast–

She looked up when Elsa coughed. “We’re here,” she said for what must have been the second time. Anna immediately recognized it as the same room they’d been in when she was here last.

“Is this your room then?” she asked, moving inside.

Elsa shook her head. “We get a room assigned at random unless the client specifies. Technically you got the one two doors down but I thought since you knew this one and I didn’t want you to feel…” Her eyes changed, losing their confidence. “Unless you wanted another room, then–”

“Thank you,” Anna stopped her, touched by her concern. “This one is perfect.”

Elsa closed the door and handed over the clipboard. “So. Anna. Sign a few places and we can get started, same as last time.” She froze, searching Anna’s face. “Or not the same since, well…,” she trailed off.

They both looked at the door handle.

Anna swallowed, fighting the anxiety suddenly clogging up her throat. She realized that if this was going to work, she was the one who needed to set expectations too. Anna scribbled her name, then tucked the pen under her thumb and held out her other hand, palm up. “It won’t be the same,” she said with a confidence she was still finding. “It’ll be better.”

She saw Elsa hesitate, meeting Anna’s gaze instead. Her expression was schooled but Anna saw the cheer in her eyes. “That’s cheating,” she replied, humor lending warmth to her voice, “your time hasn’t started.”

“Then let’s start.”

Now Elsa smiled, unfiltered and without shadow.

Elsa set another timer on her phone, laying it down on the table. Caught up by the slowly ticking numbers on the screen, Anna nearly started when Elsa took the hand she’d offered before. Thankfully, Anna turned the reflex into a motion towards the bed. “Shall we?”

Elsa raised an eyebrow. “Who are you and what have you done to Anna Fields?” She chuckled, but let herself be led across the room.

“Ms. Fields has had a lot of time to think.” Anna settled herself on the side of bed, dropping her purse off her shoulder. “And she’s got some things to say.”

The mattress dipped on her right as Elsa settled next to her. Their hands were still connected. Anna took a deep breath, settling her nerves, “Starting with, ‘I’m sorry’.” Elsa made a humming noise and rubbed her thumb across Anna’s knuckles. “I’m sorry that I left things the way I did, I promise I’m not usually so… volatile. I know I didn’t explode on you or anything but, it must have felt like a switch got flipped. One second perfectly relaxed, the next…” In her mind Anna heard the timer again, felt the tightening pull of her muscles, saw the half remembered steps to the door. Her free hand clenched over her knee. “A-And I wouldn’t look at you, I couldn’t.” She felt Elsa’s eyes on her now, and the irony that Anna was struggling to meet her gaze, still, wasn’t lost on her.

When a few moments passed without either speaking, Elsa shifted, kicking her shoes off and pulling her legs up onto the bed. “I know you have more to say, and I want to hear it. But we are the Cuddle Corner after all. Can we try this?” Elsa moved behind her, then turned her back and sat cross-legged, facing the opposite wall. “I think you’ll like this one,” she said, speaking a little louder so her voice carried. “Just mirror what I’m doing, and rest your back against mine.”

Anna thought about it, but only for a moment before she reoriented herself and slowly eased against Elsa. Then she shifted, straightening her back and sitting up taller. Of course Elsa had good posture. At least, better than her own.

“Relax,” Elsa said calmly, though Anna heard the distinct upward lilt of humor buried in that one word. “And when you’re ready, place the back of your head on mine, too.”

Anna could feel every one of Elsa’s breaths, expanding lightly against her spine. It was distracting, but pleasantly so, soothing and gentle. Finally Anna tilted her head back, looking straight ahead.

“How are you doing?” Elsa asked.

Anna closed her eyes and breathed deep. Her awareness traveled from her head to her center, where things were still a little messy, but more calm than before, quieter. “Better,” she replied honestly.

“Good.” She felt Elsa raise her chin. “Try to keep looking forward. You’ll want to speak to the side or turn your head, to see my facial expressions. But,” she paused. Anna heard the smile step into her voice and she couldn’t help the one that grew to match, “part of this exercise is to trust what you feel and hear coming from the other person, without relying on what you see. Is that still okay?”

Anna straightened again. From the crown of her head to the tips of her toes, she felt a peace steal over her. Maybe it was something about the position, or maybe it was the rhythm of Elsa’s breath. She wrapped that feeling around her like a cloak, snug, overlapping her heart.

In answer, she continued where she left off.

“At the end of last session I… wasn’t myself. I shouldn’t have left like that. Shouldn’t have left you like that. You didn’t deserve it, especially because, well, it wasn’t your fault.” Anna shifted, attempting to look over her shoulder before remembering Elsa’s advice. “I want to make that very clear: you, Elsa? Did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right. You just, pah-,” Anna made a little outward motion with her hands, a small explosion, “made everything work, just for a moment.” Anna felt more than heard Elsa’s small giggle against her back and felt her ears get hot. “Yeah I’m, not always the best with words.”

“It’s more common than you think,” Elsa replied. Anna saw her move her hand out of the corner of her eye. “When you can’t see someone it’s normal to raise your voice and use your hands more, since you’re still trying to get your point across with less to work with.” There was that laugh again, hitching against her ribs. “Though I get the feeling you talk with your hands anyway.”

“My family knows not to keep glassware around me after dinner, yes,” Anna snorted. “And Kristoff stocks the break room with extra napkins, just for me.” She rolled her eyes. “Real charmer that one.”

“I think you mentioned this man, Kristoff, the last time you were here too,” Elsa said softly. “He must mean a lot to you.”

“Yeah!” Anna beamed. “He was the first friend I made at my job and now…,” she paused, considering, “well now I think he’s my best friend.” 

Elsa made a noise of curiosity, a little wordless question. “I would have thought he was your brother, the way you sound when you talk about him.”

“You wouldn’t be the first,” Anna sighed, leaning back into Elsa. “It’s probably because we hug and hold hands and he gives me piggy back rides across the parking lot just for the fun of it. I tried to give him one once and nearly broke my knee. I’m strong, but he’s a mountain man.” Anna laughed to herself. “Actually, people think we’re dating most of the time.”

“Oh?” Elsa sounded genuinely surprised, the sound bouncing high off the walls, “you’re not?”

“Nnnnnope!” Anna replied, popping the ‘p’. “I mean he’s sweet and all: attentive, caring, soft-hearted. Anyone would be lucky to have him. But I’ve never thought of him that way.”

Instantly Anna felt a flush creep up her neck, and she sat forward. “W-Well,” she stammered, “not like that like that, I mean. Sure he can be charming in a rough sort of way sometimes and it feels really nice to be held in his arms because he’s so much bigger than me and yes we buy each other gifts just because we know it’ll make the other person happy b-but… I…” she swallowed, staring at the bed spread past her legs. “N-Not like, the anything that comes after… all that.” Anna fussed with the hair behind her ear, self-conscious. “But I suppose if I had to pick a dude, he’d be really great.”

Anna thought she heard an, “Oh,” from Elsa again but she wasn't sure. She realized they weren’t touching anymore, and in the same heartbeat realized that she’d sort of, almost, accidentally come out to Elsa.

A pit opened in her stomach, enough that her heart dropped just a little, enough for anxiety to find a little home and buzz through her chest.

It was a soft ball, an underhand throw, of a coming out, easily brushed aside or misinterpreted. Elsa was professional, she probably wouldn’t even ask.

Anna really wanted her to ask. But she also really didn’t.

But mostly she just didn’t want Elsa to feel weird about her.

“Anna?”

Elsa was looking at her, over her own shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Me?” Anna blinked. “Am I--. Of course I’m okay. Oh, shit,” she scooched backwards until she felt Elsa’s waist again and leaned back, touching her head to Elsa’s. “I left the position, sorry.”

Elsa was quiet for a moment, and Anna swore she could feel Elsa’s thoughts winding themselves down her spine. But Elsa’s next words held only warmth. “It’s more about the exercise than anything else,” she said, and Anna could tell she was still speaking over her shoulder, directly to her. “You can leave it at any time, for any reason. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable, promise,” Anna twisted to face Elsa. “I think I’m just really bad at… explaining… myself…”

Elsa’s eyes softened and for a moment Anna couldn’t see anything else. They were so close. She’d turned and now they were breathing the same air. Inches. Centimeters.

He used to call this kissing distance.

“Anna?”

“Yes?” Anna murmured. Every nerve in her body was aware of itself. Her skin prickled with their energy, thorned as a rose.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. Ever,” Elsa stated firmly. She leaned back into Anna, the smallest upward turn on her lips. “I don’t need to understand to care.”

But Anna saw that she did understand. And better, that Elsa wasn’t afraid of her, or anything Anna brought with her.

And that was… a lot.

Anna closed her eyes, took a deep breath--

And flopped down against the plush mattress.

She heard Elsa laugh behind her hand as she opened her eyes. “Too much?” Elsa asked, humor making lines around her eyes.

“No, not too much, just,” Anna mulled her words over, “you make it sound so easy. You make this so easy,” Anna gestured with both hands to the space above her head broadly, encapsulating the room and everything in it, physical and immaterial. “I started out apologizing, and those thoughts were all tangled up in my head because I wanted to be sincere and make this time different and it is different, so different, and I guess now I’m just, really… really grateful.”

Elsa nodded as Anna finished. “There’s a part of me that wants to say, ‘Well, it’s my job after all’, but I really am glad that I’ve been able to help, Anna.” She laid herself down too, on her side, propping her head up on her hand. “And in case you’re the kind of person that needs to hear it: I forgive you, Anna, so you don’t need to apologize anymore.”

A great breath washed out of Anna. She stared up at the ceiling, arms outstretched. “Thank you.”

After a brief pause, Elsa replied, “I’d actually already forgiven you, before you got here.”

Anna sat up on her elbows. “What? Why? I hadn’t even said anything yet!”

“It was the fact that you called at all.”

“But--! That doesn’t…”

Elsa held up her hand and shook her head. “You’re overthinking it,” she said gently, “which is alright, since that’s what I pegged you for anyway.”

Anna went to reply but stopped herself, trapping the air in her cheek. Then, she said, “You know, it’s not terribly cuddly to insult your clients, Elsa.”

“Hmm, true,” Elsa acquiesced, though her tone begged to differ. “What I mean is, you struck me as a ‘Thinker’ is all, even on your first visit.”

“A ‘Thinker’?” Elsa nodded again. “Like the guy who sits on a rock all serious-like?”

“Not quite,” Elsa chuckled, “although at times I’m sure that makes for a good analogy. I can explain it for you, but we’re still on your time here.” Elsa sat up, cross-legged, similar to Anna’s first visit. “The last few times I’ve been making the suggestions to help you relax, but I saw you take initiative when you first got here, and I want you to feel like this is your space as well. Now, as much as you’re comfortable, what do you want me to do?”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anna gulped. It wasn’t that big of an ask, and it made sense. Boundaries, two sets. A middle ground of mutually agreed upon comfort and engagement. She could do this.

Elsa sat patiently, in no rush at all. Anna looked back up at the ceiling and pondered. Suddenly a phantom feeling stole over her. Another time, another place. Someone warm next to her. A starlit sky above, cold ground below.

“On my stomach,” Anna said out loud. She turned her head and saw Elsa’s bewildered expression. “Sometimes when Kristoff and I hang out we lay on each other, and we’ll put our heads on the other’s belly.” Anna felt her face heat up a little, knowing it sounded more intimate than it really was. At least, not that way, but people usually didn’t believe that. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to, I can think of another one.”

“Won’t I be too heavy?”

Anna blinked. “Huh?”

“Won’t it hurt?” Elsa rephrased. “Heads weigh more than people think, and stomachs are notoriously soft.”

A beat passed.

Then Anna laughed.

At first it was small, like the quick kind of chortle and dash of amusement from an inside joke, but it rapidly changed to loud, full from her chest laughter, curling her legs towards her ribs in an attempt to contain it. Elsa’s concern was so endearing, and it soothed parts of Anna that were still hidden in the dark, but it was also utterly silly, too.

And that made the last trace of Anna’s trepidation disappear like mist in the morning.

“Notorious is a strong word,” Anna managed past her giggles. “I’m not sure who told you that, but maybe that’s just about your head.” One of Elsa’s eyebrows raised to acknowledge the comment, but as smooth as she tried to pass herself off, Anna could see how her mouth twitched with her own tamped laughter.

“It’s not terribly cuddly to insult your local professional, Anna,” she mimicked, sending Anna back into hysterics.

“I’ll… be fine,” Anna wheezed, wiping a tear from her eye as she flattened out again. “Kristoff is literally twice your size, I think I’ll make it.”

“Okay well,” Elsa lowered herself down, resting the back of her head lightly on Anna’s side with barely any weight at all. “Like this?”

“Yeah except you’re going to put your neck out like that,” Anna teased. “I said it was okay, Elsa. Trust me this time.”

After a moment of hesitation Elsa moved further back until she was fully settled, her shoulders hitting Anna’s hip and lower ribs. She sighed, making a few more adjustments until Anna could tell she was comfortable too.

They breathed in silence for a while, listening to each other. Anna realized she hadn’t eaten in a while and worried, briefly, that her body might make that fact known, but she supposed it wasn’t anything Elsa hadn’t heard before.

“So what were you saying earlier?” Anna re-broached the subject. “About how I… think things too much?”

“It’s not always the amount that you’re thinking,” Elsa chuckled. Anna felt the sound reverberate across her stomach and chest, warm and light. Elsa talked upwards, her head rising and falling in time with Anna’s breathing. “People process things in a lot of different ways, but many find that conceptualizing two categories - Thinking and Feeling - helps them more easily navigate those styles. Some people analyze and scrutinize and run over scenarios from as many angles as they can, and sometimes they do that to an excessive amount, which can cause more anxiety than it reduces. And some people,” she reached out and patted the bedspread. It was probably just to indicate that she was speaking about Anna, like the back to back exercise where they couldn’t see each other, but for some reason Anna reached out too, and put her hand beneath Elsa’s. She heard Elsa smile as she continued explaining, curling their fingers together. “Some people just have emotions that drift and bounce and trace around their body all the time. They’ll sit with a feeling until they’ve experienced all that it can give. Maybe they experience joy that floats them for hours, but they also feel sadness that sinks them into a sea of their own making.” Elsa turned her face towards Anna. “I’m fairly certain you’re the first one.”

“Huh.” Anna thought for a moment, feeling Elsa’s weight with every inhale. “So you’re a Feeler then?”

A smile tugged at Elsa’s lips. “How did you know?”

Anna shrugged. “I didn’t really, I just guessed.” She looked back up, rubbing the back of Elsa’s hand idly with the pad of her thumb. “Although, now that I think about it, you’ve always been thought-ful. Always checking in on me, asking me good questions --those always felt more experienced than logical though, if that makes sense. But the reasoning behind them seems more intuitive, like you just… know.” Anna paused, struck by something. “Actually, I didn’t have the word for it then, but I think I noticed it back when I called you.”

“To… schedule this appointment?” Elsa asked, sounding a little mystified.

“Yeah. It was in the way your voice changed when--,” and now Anna stopped because she felt embarrassment crawling up the nape of her neck. “When I said I wanted to see you again.”

“Oh.” Elsa turned her head to look at Anna. She had the smallest grimace on her face. “Sorry, that was pretty unprofessional of me.”

“On the contrary, I think checking to make sure your clients aren’t developing that kind of attachment to you is probably the most professional thing to do.”

“Well the paperwork helps,” Elsa hummed, “but you’re not wrong. Thankfully I haven’t encountered that problem yet, but I know some co-workers have.”

“It makes sense. I mean, this is the kind of thing most people imagine couples doing.”

Elsa shrugged. “Not everywhere. There are places where this is normal for family and friends, where physical affection isn’t locked behind the potential marital status of the individuals. And frankly, it’s normal here too, but not everyone experiences intimacy the same way.”

Intimacy.

The word clings to Anna’s throat, even though she hadn’t said it. A tightness, a dark line from neck to stomach, pooling invisibly around light Elsa’s hair.

“That’s good!” Anna blustered. “For them I mean, the people who get it. Wait no, not that the people who don’t feel that way are like-- What I mean to say is that that’s good! That people do that, somewhere: here, there, anywhere. I didn’t mean to say that people who don’t are doing bad, just, like, ‘Hey, good for them!’, you know?” She smacked her free hand over her eyes with a groan. “Grammar and statement of purpose have abandoned me. Feel free to tell me to stop talking whenever.” She felt Elsa’s laughter in the bunching of her shoulders against her stomach.

“Thinker,” Elsa chastised warmly.

And then it just became… chatter.

Catching up, laughing at anecdotes, learning about the other. Elsa asked about Anna’s job and Anna responded that she was training some promising new hires who were positively electric about their fields. Anna asked Elsa about her day job, making a mental note to check out a charity event a few blocks from her work. The first appointment seemed like a lifetime ago, and now that the air was clear and they’d settled, a lifetime seemed like just the thing to fill up the room.

Until Elsa scrunched her eyes up and said, “Okay, I think we’ve got to change positions, I’m getting a little dizzy.”

“I get it,” Anna empathized, “it’s the ups and downs. It gets a little disorienting”

“Yeah.” Elsa sat up and blinked hard a few times, her hand splayed out wide on the bed to keep balance. They’d kept them mostly entwined over the last part of their session, but Anna couldn’t help talking with her hands and it turned out that, at times, neither could Elsa.

Anna stretched, feeling like a cat in a sunbeam. She was as comfy as she was last time with her head in Elsa’s lap, but this time she knew the timer couldn’t surprise her. That enough words had passed between them for old wounds to not rear their heads. And while she didn’t anticipate it, for that would mean the end of her time with Elsa (for now), she did acknowledge it’s reality, and she was not afraid.

But she was damn cozy though.

“You look like you could fall asleep right there,” she heard Elsa say above her head. Anna opened her eyes to mirthful blue.

“I think you’re right,” Anna agreed, blocking a yawn with her hand.

“You’re welcome to take a nap. It’s--”

“--More common than you’d think,” Anna recited at the same time, making Elsa hide a smile behind her hand. There was a lot that Anna had learned in her short time here, but mostly that her knowledge of what people did when they felt safe and comforted was different than she’d expected. But it was a good kind of wrong to be, the eye-opening kind. The kind that made your heart feel a little bigger and softer. “You say that a lot.”

“Well it’s true!”

“I don’t doubt it,” Anna held up her hands, placating. “I’m just saying, it’s like your catchphrase.” Anna swept her outstretched arm in an arc, wiggling her fingers, “‘The more you know!’, with Elsa, the Cuddle Expert.”

Elsa bumped her arm. “You’re a tease. But I mean it, you’ve got time. Even if you don’t fall asleep, laying back and relaxing is part of cuddling you know.”

Anna stifled another yawn and turned onto her side. “I’ll at least sleep on top of the covers,” she replied, her voice dropping as she closed her eyes. “That way you don’t have to wash all the sheets.”

“Well they get washed anytime they’re used, and there’s spares in the hall closets but…,” she heard Elsa snicker, “you really think of everything, don’t you?”

“I think that joke has already run its course,” Anna smiled, then patted the open space in front of her invitingly. “C’mon, you might as well get a break too--.”

The bed dipped behind her.

“Well I can at least keep you warm this way; it’s kind of a classic cuddling position.”

The words were joking and light, Elsa’s voice so close to her ear, practically glowing.

“I don’t know who designed these rooms,” the voice continued, “but they let the air blow right above us. It gets incredibly chilly sometimes, and that’s coming from me of all people!” Forearms braced themselves against her spine, legs pressed against the back of her own, and soft exhales tickled the baby hairs at the nape of Anna’s neck.

And suddenly Anna was not at Cuddle Corner.

Her vision tunneled. The opposite wall retreated, backing itself down a long, dark corridor. Her peripherals feathered, the thorned, hyper-awareness from before screeching back, focused on the blazing points of contact between them.

Anna?

Her back was a ramrod, a live wire. When she breathed the air had nowhere to go, her lungs shallow and tight.

Breath on her neck and hands on her shoulders.

“Anna?”

Elsa’s voice.

Anna gasped, air traveling deeper, chest expanding, and the room returned to normal. Anna licked her lips, nerves settling under her skin, buzzing inside her ribs to join the dark feathers still flitting and hovering there.

“Maybe we should switch.” The words were strained but Anna tried to make them sound casual. To make them sound less like they hurt and more like before, just moments before when everything was perfect.

“...Are you sure?” Elsa replied over Anna’s shoulder. She’d moved away, touch gone, leaving phantom prints behind. Anna hesitated but nodded slowly. “Okay…”

The bed moved again. A moment later Elsa lowered herself down in front of Anna, facing away. Her braid was pulled over her shoulder, out of reach, exposing the light skin of her neck. Unable to see Elsa’s expression, Anna swallowed the dark, heavy thing inside her throat and attempted to gauge Elsa’s mood through posture alone.

“You can come close,” Elsa said. A simple and straightforward invitation, but Anna thought she heard an edge creep into it, like something was slicing each letter off at the joint.

“R-Right. ‘Cuddle Corner’,” Anna said with feigned cheer, a little fain-fair. She laughed. Elsa laughed.

It was weird.

Slowly, uncertainty running under her palm, Anna reached her arm across Elsa’s chest. Her legs came up under Elsa’s until their bodies were nearly flush. She could smell Elsa’s shampoo, and felt her breathing against the crook of her elbow.

And she could tell immediately that Elsa wasn’t comfortable either.

There was a weight in the room, a miasma escaping the seams between their bodies. It scraped between Anna’s fingers, threatening to lift her hand up entirely, and take it away.  Her eyes unfocused, the lines of Elsa’s body becoming blurred, trembling the way heat makes the air waver and shake.

Elsa turned her head, so Anna could see the barest corner of her eye. “You’re pushing yourself,” she said quietly.

Anna tightened her grip, a wordless promise, but stopped when Elsa flinched. “I’m not.”

I’m not, she told herself. Elsa is a good person. People do this all the time, even friends! This position, spooning… it’s about comfort, not anything else. Just… stop being all up in your head about this.

But Anna could sense herself backpedaling, falling backwards into herself. Right in front of her was the shell of Elsa's ear, the slope of her neck, the curl of her white-blonde hair before it twisted into her braid -- and it made Anna wonder...

Was this... it? Was this what made people fall? A quiet moment, a scrap of skin. Was this enough to make them... feel?

Had it made him feel something, looking at Anna like this?

Warm fingers thread through hers, a bobber dropped into the well of her thoughts. Elsa's hand didn’t hold the sting of fear, and like sunlight on murky water a balm spread at her touch, expanding with each even breath.

But this time, it wasn’t enough.

Anna's thoughts rushed around her head, swirling, clinging, flying like beads snapped away from a string cut under stress. No longer sentences but fragments, worries and doubts in a whirlpool, sucking her down. What hadn't she done? What else could she do? How could she be so cold? Why couldn't she do this, for him? For anyone?

Why wasn't she enough?

The trembling started in her shoulders. She couldn’t stop it anymore than she could stop time. Her arm shook and by the time it reached her wrist Anna silently begged Elsa not to notice.

But of course she did.

Elsa turned in their embrace, her eyes widening for just a moment before she cupped Anna’s face, lightly, so light with her first touches, before brushing away a tear.

Anna hadn’t even realized she was crying.

“It’s okay Anna, you’re safe here.”

Anna hiccuped, her chest stuttering as more tears splashed against Elsa’s thumbs. She found Elsa’s forearms and held her tight, needing something beneath her hands. “I’m sorry,” she whispered hoarsely.

Elsa shook her head. “Don’t be. You’ve apologized more than you’ve ever needed.”

Then Elsa’s forehead is nestled against Anna’s own. Anna doesn’t know how to react as Elsa’s eyes slip closed and she breathes slowly, carefully, like she’s counting the second. Anna feels herself matching the time, even as the sobs she harbored keep trying to find a way out. They get smaller, a boulder, then a rock, then a pebble in her lungs. Elsa’s soft exhales washed over Anna’s face, her very presence a well of tranquility, like immersing one’s hand in the cool waters of a brook. Elsa felt like flowing water, a place Anna could lay down the things that dragged her down, setting them adrift, letting the current carry them for a while.

Anna didn’t know how long they stayed like that. Long enough for the tears to start to dry, and the rawness of her throat to begin healing. But it couldn’t last forever.

Again the patter of rain, the rumble of thunder, and the distant, muted buzz of Elsa’s phone vibrating across the room. Anna exhaled a shuddering breath.

“The timer,” she croaked, voice like sludge, addled by tears.

“Ignore it,” Elsa murmured, pressing her face closer.

“B-But it’s over--”

“It’s okay.”

Anna attempted to shake her head, but Elsa merely brushed her cheeks with her thumbs. “You have another client. Another appointment.”

“I don’t.”

“Elsa…”

“Anna.” Elsa opened her eyes.

This close, Anna couldn’t mistake what she saw. Even if she didn’t have a name for it. And maybe there wasn’t a name to call the emotion heavy in Elsa’s eyes -- the eyes of a still-stranger, an almost-friend -- but whatever it was settled the last prickling nerve in Anna’s heart, soothed the last lash in Anna’s memory, and finally let her breathe long enough to listen. “I don’t have another appointment, you were my last for the day. An extra minute isn’t going to hurt anyone.” Elsa watched Anna’s face as she combed stray hairs back behind Anna’s ear. “I don’t want you leaving this place thinking you have to shoulder everything you came in with. It’s okay to leave some of it here, here with me, if that helps.” She smiled, her eyes wet. “It’s my job to make you feel comfortable, relaxed. But I also want you to feel that way, as Elsa, as me. I think you have a lot going on, and I want to help with that if… if you’ll let me.”

This time Anna closed her eyes, overwhelmed again. Unconsciously she leaned more into Elsa’s touch, which was enough for Elsa to continue. “You don’t have to decide today. Just know that I’m here for you, if you need me. But for now just,” and she shrugged, the motion taking Anna’s head with her, causing them both to laugh, “leave the timer be. It’ll take care of itself.”

They stayed like that. The timer silenced itself, and with the quiet came rest. Anna knew she didn’t fall asleep, but she thought she might when Elsa started playing with her hair again. Eventually, Anna knew she had to go and rolled over, sliding her shoes back on her feet. She heard Elsa do the same as Anna gathered her things.

“Should I expect another call?” Anna turned, shouldering her bag. Elsa sat on the edge of the bed, hands folded in her lap, expectant.

Though she knew her cheeks were already blotchy from tears, Anna felt another emotion color her face, and instead of feathers in her chest there were butterflies in her stomach.

"Yeah," she returned, putting a hand on the back of her neck. "But I think I'm going to have to do some thinking first, again. Which I'm sure you already expected."

"Maybe a little." Elsa tilted her head, never losing her warmth. "But take all the time you need. And talk to others, too. Kristoff seems like a good place to start, if you haven't already."

Anna snorted, feeling her phone buzz in her pocket. "Oh don't worry, I'm sure he's left three voicemails by now wondering how this all went."

"And how did it go?”

Anna beamed. “Better.”

“Such glowing praise,” Elsa teased. “I’ll take it I suppose.”

Anna took a step back, towards the door, then hesitated, and turned back.

"More to say?" Elsa asked.

"Um..." Anna paused, then blushed again. "Actually, I did, but now I can't really find the words. It was ‘thank you’, again, but then there was other stuff and it got a little lost."

Elsa hummed at that, propping her chin up in her hand. "Knowing you, even for a short time, I'm sure they'll work themselves out eventually. Probably with hand motions."

Anna laughed and agreed. "Probably with hand motions. And maybe sound effects."

“You'll have to tell me,” Elsa smiled lightly, showing bright in her eyes. “Next time?”

Anna smiled back. “Next time.”

[a-long-walk-in-the-forest]

Degrees of Taurus and Naruto characters (namely Sasuke, Itachi and Naruto)

I’ve recently started reading about the meaning and significants of each degree in the birth chart and have decided to utilize my new found knowledge for the purpose of drawing a more accurate chart for Naruto characters. 

In this part I’ve focused on the third decan of taurus. I’ve mentioned before that I’m certain Naruto has something in Taurus and Itachi apparently has more than one planet in taurus. We’ve also established that Sasuke has his moon in taurus. 

I’ve got these descriptions from the first document that pops up in google when you search taurus degrees meaning.

I’ve only guessed two of Itachi’s taurus degrees, the other probably isn’t in the third decan. Also I have 2 guesses for Sasuke and I’m not sure which one is more accurate. 

If you happen to have the same placement as the one I guessed for Itachi (28-29 degrees taurus) don’t take this to heart.

20-21: maybe Itachi

related to poison

 It indicates a silent, watchful disposition, inclined to caution, method, and thrift, but liable to assaults from unexpected sources, which will overthrow many carefully designed plans. It is a degree of ANTICIPATION.

A frugal, cautious, watchful, silent and close character bearing the hallmark of individuality, a deep mind, a pitiless logic, a precise and methodic intelligence, more suited for analysis than synthesis. The native will rely but on himself, yet destiny will baffle him with gleeful spite and take a cruel delight in hitting him just where rational logic would rule out failure or even danger. The collapse of his most accurately prearranged plans will tell on the native’s temper, whose guardedness may drift into suspiciousness, and misanthropy into wickedness.

 Strategic, self-directed but perhaps egotistical Aries-Scorpio degree - certainly never content to sit, always having a plan, project or alternative waiting in the wings. Can build great accomplishments and find success if temper and lusts are kept under control, and if it can avoid “yes men” and opportunists. Desired to be admired. Sexual attractions often include great sacrifices. Infighter or revolutionary - anarchistic and opinionated. Must develop Libran traits.

A very resourceful sportsman. One whose judgment can be relied upon in estimating values.

Witnessing dispassionately the flow of time. Standing outside of all linear progression and knowing what is likely to happen here. Supremely disengaged from surface affairs, even lightly dismissive of all secondary considerations, but tuned right in to the thread of prophecy and inner vision. Granted a certain grace to follow the inner track. And serving a larger function as part shaman, part seer, and part commonsensical advisor. Salty wit, earthy and pithy, no nonsense. You know where the bones are buried. Penetrating insight. A throwback to simpler worlds. One who warns of dangers ahead, and is not amused by factions and fragments and phantoms of common assumption.

 Highly intelligent. Quick, analytical, objective mind. Clear thinking. Strives to understand the larger context, philosophical view, and underlying assumptions of any idea or concept. Interested in economics 

 Silent, methodical, and clear-sighted character. Sly enemies abound and conceal their real nature while waiting for the moment when they can successfully grab what does not belong to them, be it money or an already married person. Fortunately enough, one displays vigilance and providence, and therefore one is able to avoid the most dangerous traps. If in the natal chart, Saturn is powerful, prudence and concentration capacities are strengthened. With Mars, energy is increased, and with a Venus, kindness is enhanced. In some cases, this degree indicates gifts for occultism or, at least, above-average perceptiveness.

22-23: Sasuke (I personally think this is more likely than the other one)

can lead and inspire but can fail

It signifies one who will suffer misfortune in the height of his career and whose fall will be dangerous in proportion to the height he has attained. The native will be too apt to depend on his own powers and will essay feats which will be beyond his natural powers. Ambition will lead him into dangerous positions, and at a weak moment he will fall. Let this be taken as equally affecting his physical, moral, and social welfare. It is a degree of COLLAPSE.

A great spiritual force, a generous, passionate character whose mind, compared to a large heart, may appear limited. Faith in one’s power is excessive, hence a tendency to overreach oneself by a display of arrogance, weakness, light-headedness and foolhardiness which may head the native for a dangerous fall. This may be taken in the literal sense of bodily falls, as well as in the metaphorical one (financial, social, moral, or spiritual).

Imaginative, irascible: a symbol of individual freedom in motion - Sagittarian wanderings brought down to earth long enough to establish turf and be noticed. Master of human and animal nature. Desire for self-expression and talent to do so. Humorous, optimistic, spiritual, passionate character, which might lead to light mindedness and dangerous risks at times. May make bad choice of partners, but generally fortunate in career.

Great strength of will and if character is also indicated by other testimonies in the chart, one capable of great works. Cruelty in undeveloped types.

 Nothing to say, everything to do. The self cannot be articulated because it is far too busily pressed out into emergency mobilization twenty-four hours a day. No personal life, no personal world, no personal self. Just fantastic availability to the call, the collective vigil, entered upon willingly and selflessly. The demands and rigors of this position and stance are punishing and extreme. You are so hard-pressed, so rabidly attentive that nothing else exists. The assignment is clear, brutally so. Be on the spot at every level, maintain order, keep everything going and stay tuned to everything unusual and strange. Follow it out, keep it in your sights and make absolutely sure that you stay sober, integrity sworn and minutely diligent to hold the center and uphold the law with a steadfastness that is beyond belief, and simply true.

first half :   A deep sense of his own individuality and nobility. Devoted to family. Searches for a mature, objective, broad understanding of life.

second half:  A deep sense of his own individuality and nobility. Vital and energetic, perhaps a reforming or revolutionary spirit. Innovative.

This degree describes a reversal of fortune at the pinnacle of the career. The fall is commensurate with the social status and indicates a risk of dishonour and all kinds of losses. One relies too blindly on one's own strength and undertakes projects without having carefully assessed its assets and weaknesses. The danger of fall also applies to physical accidents, as well as moral and social matters.

23-24: Sasuke

A man, yet one greater than a man! His mission is a world mission, but present conditions will scarcely admit of such a development.  

It signifies one who will take his course through useless tracks, and by too much trust in others will suffer depletion. Yea, though all has life long he may minister to the wants of others, yet, in his advancing years, he will be abandoned to the mercy of wayfaring and deceitful men. This illustrates virtue misapplied. It as a degree of DECLINE.  

 Assuming as we did that no degree of the zodiac can convey any meaning if not looked at in the light of the horoscope as a whole, this rule does not fit any degree so thoroughly as this fifty-fourth degree which has something mysterious, or transcendent, in itself. Should the rest of the pattern be of a spiritual nature, an intense but hidden inner life would be the result. If the other features concur into a majestic picture, the native may have been assigned a mission reaching beyond his country and his age. “At the limit,” to borrow a mathematical expression; that is, in such a cosmically vast and sublime horoscope as can be drawn in the heavens only once in mankind’s history, this degree becomes one among many other components from which, written in star characters; the announcement of the Redemptor’s birth was given.

Daring Leo degree may have a mission from God, or a self-appointed one - or some karmic feeling it must follow. Guilt or ecclesiastical upbringing may create humility or piety, appearing naive, but faithful and a Samaritan - and not likely to do much to insure its own protection or growth. Self- conscious, nervous, superstitious, but goodhearted and blissful-usually. Dedicated and warm, but must not be over-loving ruthless or over-protective. 

One who serves and is inclined to be servile. A patient worker who should free himself from the thralldom of others and develop his latent ability.

 Thematic worlds coming round again just as before, just like always. The highest and the best, maintained and sustained beautifully, impeccably, superlatively. Knowing inside that what counts, what is essential, is to abide, to be. You are a vast world unto yourself, an extraordinary network of intersecting dynamics. But the witness consciousness is blissfully sitting back in a restful perch, letting everything go by. And in the very center of this dispassion and wakeful scrutinizing, one indwells a Buddha realization attained by hard work in many lives and now being your innermost identity in an identity less way.

Very particular and precise. May be easily irritated when things are not just right. Creative intelligence, capable of original ideas and novel projects.

Generous, helpful, and gullible character. Misplaced confidence results in sufferings and disappointments. One generously shares everything one possesses with less fortunate people. However, on must spare enough resources for oneself, otherwise, one is in danger of falling into the dire poverty which one has helped other people out of. In such a case, no one will come up to lend a helping hand. This degree indicates ingratitude and unrewarded qualities. There may also be eye problems.

24-25: Naruto

This denotes a very mysterious character. Whilst living among men, a stranger to men. He has a life of his own, a world of his own, he is content to live and die unknown (never showing his true self).

It indicates a powerful and haughty nature; one who is disposed to justify himself by force of arms rather than by intrinsic merit. Such a person will make many his servants but few his friends and in the end his state will be a pitiable as that of a dying lion. It is a degree of PRIDE.

The subject’s inner world will stay closed and unknown to all. Yet this is no cowardly nature, rather an arrogant one; the native is innerly proud, haughty, overbearing, but not vain. As he is spiritually isolated among his fellow beings, he will have justice done to himself, if necessary, by having recourse to arms. As he is misunderstood, he will endeavor to have his own way even by resorting to violence; as long as his strength does not fail him, he will see subdued servants around himself, never friends.

Stately Leo and serious-natured Capricorn furnish this degree with cold spirituality, pride, perhaps haughtiness. Arrogant, but with a firm desire to achieve goals and dominate its sphere, hopefully with justice and mercy. Helped by earthly features and mannerisms. Bound by family ties and genealogy; may take up arms of face violence, or may be mean and cruel. Religious dogma- dictatorial. Should be aware of the practical welfare of all people.

 One with great mental strength but whose power and ability will be acknowledged only by few. Too advanced for popular acceptance.

The inward image and the outward reflection are worlds apart. Building up inside to a state of being that carries immense challenges. You see your own personal nature as an objective universal force to be reckoned with, and persist in seeing egocentrically. Preferring massively your own company, contained within yourself, imaginatively self-enchanted. Yet also capable of radical turnabouts and rebirths. Awakenings false and true, great and small. Knowing yourself to be somebody special. Self-consciousness enshrined. A dead-end or a path, oblivious or realizing the way of things, getting out of the way or being squarely in the way. Self-importance and its overcoming.

Good sense of balance, tact, sophistication, and harmony in his work and life generally. Progressive, enterprising, active. A good worker in any business or organization. 

Assertive, combative, and haughty character endowed with leadership abilities. One prefers forceful means to dialogue and arouses much hatred. One makes the difference between one's few genuine friends and all the numerous flatterers. This degree indicates a risk of violent death or suicide, especially if in the natal chart, it is in conjunction with the Ascendant, the Sun or the Moon, or the ruler of the 8th House. In conjunction with the Part of Fortune, there may be seizure or confiscation of assets."

28-29: Itachi

associated with eye problems

It signifies a tyrant, who takes delight in power apart from its uses, and whose opinions are bigoted and selfish. To rule, without regard to qualifications, is the passing ambition of one born under this degree. Death, which frees the slave, will bind the hands of a tyrant in irons forged from his own heart. It is a degree of DESPOTISM. 

Commercial, Venusian, fashion and possession flaunting degree due to Libra here better for females - causes grief for males. Gifted with beauty, believed more than it should - can pick and choose partners and mate who are subjects and followers. Always “right” in its own world, and therefore an unconscious danger to others, apt to take them down paths best left for the foolish, Danger of addictions, Magnetic and proud; good organizer and able administrator.

Too many divergent interest brings a life of confusion. The development of the will is necessary and will bring success in property ownership and development.

Tyrannical, selfish, and fanatic character. There is a strong propensity for debauchery and sexual perversions. One imposes one's narrow-minded ideas to members of the family, friends, and employees, which arouses much hatred. Sooner or later, slaves are freed, and the despot is overthrown. If in the natal chart, the Moon is waxing and in conjunction with this degree, the constellation of the Pleiades promises high social status, fame, and honours, but it also warns against accidents affecting the face, impaired sight, or violent death.

Crystallized imagination. The inside of the inside remembered and evoked whimsically. There is no form, no pattern, no binding reality. Dreaming the world into being from a greatly bemused stance-- other. Twinkling observer-witness consciousness. Off on tangents that call, a life, a cycle, a realm set aside for inventive play without boundaries. You feel exultant in the freedom. Swept away beautifully. Answerable to nobody and nothing except the muse.

 Intelligent, original, energetic, self-reliant. Honest and straightforward, sometimes tactless and blunt. 

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer IV: In the Light of a Blade

I lay in bed but I wasn’t asleep when Mingfei came in at 4 am, reeking of alcohol and soaking wet, like he’d been walking around in the drizzle.

I couldn’t even be angry. I was too worried about what was happening to one of the most important persons in my life. I sat him down on the bed and, as the leader of Club-S, told him to tell me what was going on with him.

Mingfei was blaming himself for everything that was happening. I couldn’t catch all of his reasoning because he was slurring his speech and barely staying awake.

One thing was clear to me: EVA had truly turned against us. She had been holding back video evidence of Mingfei and I in our draconized states. Everyone in the Secret Society with access to those records knew that we could break the blood threshold, coming close to pure blood dragons. We grew scales and wings and teeth befitting a top predator.

“What are we, Carli?” He asked, laying in bed in his clothes, staring at the ceiling. “I have to figure out what I am. If I really am a monster... shouldn’t I just turn myself in?”

I shook my head. “You defeated Herzog in that state. You’re a hero. The Academy just doesn’t understand that people like us can fight for what’s good and right. I think Anjou understood. That’s why he kept us secret for so long.”

He looked at me with sunken eyes and a distant gaze. “I felt like I should know Herzog. Like we had met before. Crow’s going to take me to a place I can get more information. If it’s too hard on you to do that, I understand.”

I lowered my eyes. No one on earth had hurt me as personally as Herzog had. When I lifted my eyes again, however, I’d made my decision. “Hey... you need people who understand you to stand beside you. I’m the only one with you in this crazy world right now.” 

I took his hand and squeezed it. “Consider this my duty as President of Club-S.”

The next day, Crow opened the heavy iron gate. “What Tachibana Masamune... or Herzog left behind is all here.”

Behind the gate was a huge warehouse.

The warehouse was hidden in an inconspicuous place in Tokyo. The warehouses behind this fence were all unmarked and looked the same. The fenced in area was at the end of a maze of gravel service roads. If you didn’t know exactly what you were looking for, there was no way you’d be able to find it without getting lost.

Ru’Yi was strapped to my back in a special carrier. Spider Fang and Tongzi hung at my hips. I stood next to Mingfei while Nono and Johann stood behind us. Crow undid the padlocked chain on the heavy door and held the door open for us.

The first thing we saw was a blood-stained black trench coat, lined with the Amaterasu painting of the famous cave scene. It hung on a headless model with a sword at its side.

As soon as we saw it, we stood in silence. I remember this coat flying like a battle flag, Chisei looking at me with golden eyes as he stood on the fire escape of Tokyo Tower. Then and now, I’d stood both in awe and fear of him, the emperor hybrid.

Mingfei likely thought of his relationship with Chisei as Akira Ryuu where he thought of Chisei as his precious Aniki and loved him dearly.

“Why are Chisei’s clothes here?” He asked, after our moments of silence.

“Only a few people know that Herzog is a demon that misled the Hydra clans. Among most of the ranks, he’s said to be the family ancestor who sacrificed himself to save us all at Tokyo Tower....” Crow said, his voice a monotone, his face schooled into a blank expression.

I let out a loud hiss and looked away. “Is that why you ignored Aoi Gen?”

Mingfei looked at me, confused. “Who’s Aoi Gen?”

Crow glanced down at me, smirking. “Now you’re thinking like a politician. If we acknowledged that Tachibana turned the Hydra Clans against her family and massacred the original Gen clan, well... we’d have to admit to everything... including his fake gravestone at the family site where you’ve been staying.”

“As sad as she is... she’s not worth that much drama.” 

I turned back to him, glaring fiercely. “So you’re going to continue to ignore her?”

“Officially? Yes.”

“Officially being the operative word?”

“Chisei can’t ignore something like that.” He looked back to the trench coat, changing the subject. “There are those who still come here to pay their respects. This warehouse is called the Teacher and Student Collection.”

I turned my eyes back to the coat. There were so many memories I had of it. Most of them were unpleasant and yet, the memory of him surfaced, of his hanging out of the helicopter hatch over the Red Well as we prepared to face death together. I couldn’t help but be moved.

Chisei and I were enemies for a long time. However, in the end, we shared certain intimacies with each other only and with no one else.

Crow chuckled. “Should we leave you two alone? It seems you have things that need to be said.”

My mood immediately dampened. “I’m not not sure what you mean?”

“There were certain rumors through the senior clan members that you two were more than just friends...”

“He tried to kill me!” I objected loudly.

Crow held his hands up in defense. “Don’t shoot the messenger!”

I crossed my arms and looked away. The memories of my baby dying in the Red Well came to mind and tears sparked my eyes.

Mingfei reached out to me. “If this is too much for you...”

“Look. I’m not leaving. Let’s just stay on topic.” I dismissed him with a wave.

Johann spoke up behind us. “You have the same swords?”

“Ah. A keen observer!” Crow exclaimed. “The swords on the dummy are replicas. Carli has the real thing.”

Crow turned to lead us inside.  “All of these things are in Herzog’s collection. And he’s quite the collector. He’s got everything from ancient buddha statues to classical paintings... there are 5,000 rare books, 6,000 vinyl records...”

Crow continued to go on as we walked through what was essentially the Museum of Herzog.

“What a pig.” Nono grumbled.

“I know right?” Crow said coldly, stopping next to a jeweled Fabergé egg.

“What’s this?” Mingfei pointed to a box on the table.

“Oh... don’t open that. That’s his hair collection.”

“Hair?” Mingfei asked, confused.

“Yeah some people have a bit of a fetish with it comes to women. They sleep with them and then take a lock of hair as a memento. Of course, Herzog was obsessed with keeping things secret so... his women didn’t survive the encounters. What’s in that box is all that’s left of them. We used it to identify them and inform their next of kin.”

"Christ...” I whispered, looking away in disgust. “You should bury that you know. Those are human remains.” 

I paused, nausea rising in my throat. “Mingfei, I think you were right. I shouldn’t have come here.” I spun on my heel, going back the way I came. “I’ll wait for you guys out front.”

Mingfei nodded, solemn.

“Go with her.” Nono said to Johann. “Don’t touch anything on the shelves.”

“Yes ma’am.” He murmurred

I looked at Johann reproachfully, once he was next to me. “Why do you say ‘yes ma’am’ like you’re twelve?”

Johann’s eyes shifted, bewildered.

I sighed. “Never mind.”

We made our way back to the front of the warehouse where Chisei’s trench coat hung. I stood in silence for a moment. I needed to do something to get rid of the emotions I was feeling. Johann Chu carefully avoided my gaze until I got his attention. “Hey.”

He raised his eyes to mine, hesitant to meet them. 

“You know how to swordfight, right? Here, take the replica sword and lets do Shohatto drills!” I said. It was both an invitation and a demand. I didn’t want to burst into tears again. I wanted to be done crying.

I remembered something Johann had told me while we were in China preparing for our second ‘official’ wedding to allow his mother to participate in a ceremony.

He told me he was looked down on in elementary school because his mother had taken custody of him in the divorce. Everyone in class knew his father wasn’t his real father. His real father was a lowly chauffeur. They said he only got to go to this private elementary school because his mother was pretty, that the only reason his mother was married to his stepdad was because she was pretty.

The ringleader of this group of bullies was a karate black belt, the youngest blackbelt in China. Because his dragonblood wasn’t awake yet, Chu Zihang couldn’t defeat him.

But Zihang went to the Children’s Palace to train and soon had a black belt himself. He did it in three years, but not because he was a genius. At that point he was still just an ordinary child. He was just incredibly driven to beat that bully before they graduated from elementary school.

Before the graduation ceremony, Zihang challenged him and completely tore him to pieces. He had studied the bully and deliberately trained to counteract his strengths. He’d rehearsed the fight, according to him, ten thousand times.

The bully was like a cobra meeting a mongoose. No matter what he did, it didn’t work on Zihang. But Zihang’s every strike landed with full force!

Now that I thought about it, Johann had changed very little when it came to his core personality. He was straight as an arrow and once locked onto his target he would never let go!

He walked over to the trench coat and I watched him carefully. He glanced up at the headless dummy as though he were asking permission. Then he took the sword, still sheathed, from the model

He nodded seriously to me and my heart lifted. When it came to training, this Johann and the Johann I loved had no differences between them.

Johann and I stood a distance from each other, side by side.

“Shohatto.” I said.

We bowed in unison and then drew the swords in unison.

Shohatto was the most basic samurai drill. These drills had all the essentials of fighting: a draw, a cut, and defensive positions, finalized by sheathing the sword and bowing after each series of actions. Each drill was made facing a different direction.

The goal was simplicity, efficiency, and precision in footwork and motion.

If you had put up a mirror, the reflection couldn’t have followed our movements closer than we followed each other’s. I watched him in my peripheral vision. He was no longer a phantom in my mind. This was the sword drill he’d learned when he was young. He’d passed it down to me and now I was performing it with his young self.

Once again, I felt a strange sense of privilege for the opportunity.

We went through all the standing drills and then transitioned to the kneeling drills. 

My voice murmured. “Shohatto.” 

This was a little bit trickier because it required balance and Ru’Yi was a large sleeping stone of a baby attached to my back, but with my core strength intact I was still able to stand from the kneeling position and kneel from a standing position despite the tension in my back and legs to keep balance.

Johann had the drills down to pinpoint accuracy. Of course, he trained every day, and maybe he had gotten to a very high level by fifteen. But he was no longer looking at me. His eyes were straight forward with a glazed over look.

He was performing from muscle memory. 

Like a person who daydreams while driving, he was performing these complicated motions, but his mind was elsewhere.

At the end of the final kneeling drill, we faced each other on our knees, our swords in front of us. I wasn’t sure who I was looking at, my Johann or the 15 year old Johann. 

I couldn’t ask him.

We placed our hands on the ground in front of us and bowed.

[smbeech]

AWA Life Report and Feedback wanted.

So I am starting with the Feedback portion because I think this is most important. Fake Star reached out to me and is requesting feedback on the VIP offerings. I am letting as many people know as I can, that Fake Star would like feedback on the offerings for VIP badges and other things you’d be interested in.

Specifically, they would like to hear from you on more of what you’d like offered as a VIP benefit. Fake Star will be meeting with them next month and would like to bring your ideas to them.

So far we’ve received the following suggestions:

Continue the Photoshoots.

Continue Early Access

More items to raffle off

More Gacha Items

A Fan meet event where you can interact with the band more, play games, buy cheki with the members, hear acoustic versions of songs, etc.

Back Stage look, being able to be present for soundcheck and practice.

International FanClub, right now the idea is for a digital version only as most of the current Fanclub perks outside of tickets and store times are digital already.

International shipping for the LM.C Store.

If you have anything you’d like to contribute, please let us know! This is your chance.

Now onto AWA report!

Fake Star presented LM.C for the second time in a row at this year’s Anime Weekend Atlanta.

The event marked LM.C’s third performance in a row in the U.S. It also marked the first-ever offering of VIP badges for LM.C events. Perks included Early access to all LM.C events and up to 2 photoshoots with LM.C, one of which was with the MAD LM.C. This marks the first appeared of MAD LM.C since well…they were first introduced.

The Mad LM.C Photoshoot took place on Thursday, Halloween, and the General photoshoot took place on Saturday the second. The fans came together to create a flower board display for LM.C and bouquets.

Previously, photoshoots had only ever been offered to members of Team LM.C in Japan.  The concert was great, the setlist included: Ghost Heart, Oh My Juliet, Funny Phantom, Double Dragon, Hoshi no Arika, 88, Boys and Girls, Chamaleon Dance, Rock the LM.C, We are LM.C Anthem, Chaindreamers, the Buddha, & Punky Heart.

Surprisingly, only one song (Chaindreamers) from the latest album, Future Sensation, was played, but the audience was enthralled none the less. LM.C came out full force in all their glory as this picture below so famously immortalized.

The show started with a little bit of a hitch, as there was a sound malfunction, forcing the band to stop during the first song. While the issue was being resolved Maya engaged in some light banter with concert-goers. He asked who spoke multiple languages and informed the audience that he spoke two languages, Japanese and Japan-English. He also asked the audience about some new words he’d learned, “Lit” and Yeet.” He seemed to get what “Lit” meant and had no trouble saying. “Yeet,” however, gave our king some trouble. He attempted to pronounce it, the result was “Why-Eeeet?” Despite help from the crowd, I am unsure if he really got it.

He also enquired about the blue Powerade beverage he’d been provided with. He asked if the drink was safe and why it was blue. The audience responded with a mixture of Yes, No, and Maybe. He only took one sip of it the entire concert, so we can presume, he was not a fan. In fairness, this is probably a good idea when drinking something that looks suspiciously like window-cleaner.

During this banter, Aiji disappeared off stage to presumably help with adjustments. This prompted Maya to ask, “Where is my Guitarist, where is my man?”

Finally, the show restarted, none of the excitement or energy before the malfunction had been lost. One of the high points of the show was when 88 was performed. The crowd had been given glow sticks with lyric an instruction cards before the show to sing along with Maya when the song started. It worked with resounding success, Maya even got a little choked up. Throughout the concert there was more banter from Maya culminating in everyone’s favorite translator, Ryan, being summoned to the stage, along with a phrased cried out from an audience member that will live in infamy, “Ryan is Daddy!”

Maya asked what that meant, but a mortified Ryan said he’d tell him later. We don’t know if he ever did. This show had more effects than the 2 previous concerts, complete with the lyrics displayed so the audience could sing along. In the past, many have struggled to do this.

The show concluded with Maya making jokes with the cameraman, asking if he was cold in the Cheerleader outfit he was wearing. Pictures were taken, and the band was taken back when the lights came on and they were able to see just how many people came to their show, they were truly impressed.

Throughout the weekend, special GACHA packs were sold, some contained blue tickets which would grant the holder access to a special signing where you could have anything signed and it would be personalized. Those who got multiple tickets were very generous and gave their extras to those who got nothing. It was great to see fan-base come together and help each other and ensure that more people had the opportunity to have a wonderful time with LM.C.

The Final LM.C event was Sunday with the raffle and Q&A Panel.

Here are the questions in no particular order:

What’s your favorite LM.C look?Aiji said he likes loose clothing that’s easy to move around in, therefore the Track Suit from JOHN was his favorite. Maya said the current outfit [see above] was his favorite, followed by the costume for “Let Me Crazy!!”

What’s your favorite song to perform?

Aiji said anything upbeat, like Chameleon Dance, while Maya said he likes to perform the songs that have appeared in Anime as those are the ones that American audiences get into the most.

What song of theirs that doesn’t have a video would they want to make a video for?

Maya asked the audience if they were familiar with a manga called “Kingdom,” which is a fictionalized retelling of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms from Chinese history. He said the song “Dystopia” was based on that Manga, and he wanted to do a really big expensive video for it.

Aiji said he would like to do more videos for their slower songs, specifically “Twinkle Star,” he too would want it to be expensive with lots of special effects.

What does the name LM.C mean?

Maya said that before their debut, they already owned the domain [Lovely-Mocochang.com] and that the band name came from that. {LM} stands for “Lovely-Mocochang,” {.} stands for “dot,” and {C} stands from “com”.

Of course, the name also comes from a dog Maya once owned, “Moco.”

What are their favorite childhood memories?

Maya said his favorite memory was of watching a historical drama with this grandmother when he was young.

Aiji said his favorite memory was of building a paper statue with his kindergarten class for a school festival.

What would be their advice for the current generation?

In response to this question, Maya asked the attendees if we read translations of LM.C’s lyrics. The audience responded, “Yes.” He then said that if you follow what is written in those lyrics you can learn how to be happy.

Who’s their favorite western artist?

Maya said his favorite was Cyndi Lauper, he liked her look more than her music though. He said that Mad Maya’s bright yellow hair color and appearance was inspired by her.

Aiji said his favorite artist was Michael Jackson.

How did they meet?

Maya stated that they met at a live house in Nagano when he was 17. He said that was there to see the band that was performing either before or after (don’t remember which) Aiji’s band. He didn’t remember much about the occasion other than Aiji was smoking when they met.

Would LM.C ever do an American Tour?

Maya commented that America is really big, they said it would be cool and asked if we would come to their shows, of course, everyone said yes.

What’s the meaning of Aiji’s Tattoo?

Aiji said that the first tattoo was his parent’s birthdays, the second represented the universe, and the third was for his previous band.

On the topic of tattoos, Maya said he doesn’t think he’d get one because he’d become bored of it and want to change it. He then joked that maybe he should get a big chest tattoo.

Did they ever get nervous meeting celebrities and idols they were young?

Aiji said no. Maya said that he’s not the type to get nervous so, no. He then said that when he was in middle school he got to meet Hide from X-Japan. Maya said that he didn’t even introduce himself he just started talking to Hide.

What’s their favorite letter and kanji?

Maya said is favorite letter was “M” (obviously), and his favorite kanji was Umi for sea “海.” Aiji took some time to think about his favorite letter, first, he said, “…L?” Then he said no, and kept thinking. Maya asked him, “Is it M?” to which Aiji responded with, “Yeah….no.” At last Aiji settled on “R.” For his favorite kanji, he said Kumo for cloud, “雲.”

Would they ever bring back MAD LM.C?

Maya said they’ve been wanting to do something with Mad LM.C but there was never a good time. It worked for this event because it fell on Halloween. He said that if another con fell on Halloween, they would do it again.

(My hope of hearing “Mad or Die!” live may never happen. ToT)

Why did they choose Visual Kei for their style?

Both Maya and Aiji said it was because all the bands the liked growing up were doing the style that would eventually become V-Kei. There was no V-Kei at the time when they were getting into those bands.

Someone asked if they liked the gift their sister gave them.

A girl gave LM.C a drawing of them as a gift. Her sister asked if they liked the gift. They said they appreciate any gift they receive but it really means a lot when someone takes the time to make something specifically for them.

Regarding the drawing itself, they liked that she had combined their first outfits with their new look.

That’s all the questions I remember. If anyone remembers any I missed, please tell me. That’s it for the live report. Please don’t forget to let me know by commenting or sending me a message if you have anything you would like to see offered in future VIP events for LM.C. Fake Star really wants to know your thoughts, and I was very honored that they reached out to me. So please, let your voices be heard.

I hope you all have the opportunity to attend a VIP event for LM.C someday. There is also a fan discord for LM.C please feel free to join and connect with other fans!

Link here: https://discord.gg/Bz2WWJt

[fyp-psychology]

33 Unusual Tips to Being a Better Writer

via James Altucher

Back in college, Sanket and I would hang out in bars and try to talk to women but I was horrible at it.

Nobody would talk to me for more than thirty seconds and every woman would laugh at all his jokes for what seemed like hours.

Even decades later I think they are still laughing at his jokes. One time he turned to me, 

“the girls are getting bored when you talk. Your stories go on too long. From now on, you need to leave out every other sentence when you tell a story.”

We were both undergrads in Computer Science. I haven’t seen him since but that’s the most important writing (and communicating) advice I ever got.

33 other tips to be a better writer:

A) Write whatever you want. Then take out the first paragraph and last paragraph

Here’s the funny thing about this rule. It’s sort of like knowing the future. You still can’t change it. In other words, even if you know this rule and write the article, the article will still be better if you take out the first paragraph and the last paragraph.

B) Take a huge bowel movement every day

You won’t see that on any other list on how to be a better writer. If your body doesn’t flow then your brain won’t flow. Eat more fruit if you have to.

C) Bleed in the first line

We’re all human. A computer can win Jeopardy but still not write a novel. If you want people to relate to you, then you have to be human.

Penelope Trunk started a post a few weeks ago: 

“I smashed a lamp over my head. There was blood everywhere. And glass. And I took a picture.” 

That’s real bleeding. My wife recently put up a post where the first line was so painful she had to take it down. Too many people were crying.

D) Don’t ask for permission

In other words, never say “in my opinion” (or worse “IMHO”). We know it’s your opinion. You’re writing it.

E) Write a lot

I spent the entire 90s writing bad fiction. 5 bad novels. Dozens of bad stories. But I learned to handle massive rejection. And how to put two words together. In my head, I won the pulitzer prize. But in my hand, over 100 rejection letters.

F) Read a lot

You can’t write without first reading. A lot. When I was writing five bad novels in a row I would read all day long whenever I wasn’t writing (I had a job as a programmer, which I would do for about five minutes a day because my programs all worked and I just had to “maintain” them). I read everything I could get my hands on.

G) Read before you write

Before I write every day I spend 30-60 minutes reading high quality short stories poetry, or essays. Here are some authors to start:

Denis Johnson

Miranda July

David Foster Wallace

Ariel Leve

William Vollmann

Raymond Carver

All of the writers are in the top 1/1000 of 1% of writers. What you are reading  has to be at that level or else it won’t lift up your writing at all.

H) Coffee

I go through three cups at least before I even begin to write. No coffee, no creativity.

I) Break the laws of physics

There’s no time in text. Nothing has to go in order. Don’t make it nonsense. But don’t be beholden to the laws of physics. My post, Advice I Want to Tell My Daughters, is an example.

J) Be Honest

Tell people the stuff they all think but nobody ever says. Some people will be angry that you let out the secret. But most people will be grateful. If you aren’t being honest, you aren’t delivering value. Be the little boy in the Emperor Wears No Clothes. If you can’t do this, don’t write.

K) Don’t Hurt Anyone

This goes against the above rule, but I never like to hurt people. And I don’t respect people who get pageviews by breaking this rule.

Don’t be a bad guy.  Was Buddha a Bad Father? addresses this.

L) Don’t be afraid of what people think

For each single person you worry about, deduct 1% in quality from your writing.

Everyone has deductions. I have to deduct about 10% right off the top.

Maybe there’s 10 people I’m worried about. Some of them are evil people. Some of them are people I just don’t want to offend.

So my writing is only about 90% of what it could be. But I think most people write at about 20% of what it could be. Believe it or not, clients, customers, friends, family, will love you more if you are honest with them. We all have our boundaries. But try this: for the next ten things you write, tell people something that nobody knows about you.

M) Be opinionated

Most people I know have strong opinions about at least one or two things… write about those. Nobody cares about all the things you don’t have strong opinions on.

Barry Ritholz told me the other day he doesn’t start writing until he’s angry about something. That’s one approach. Barry and I have had some great writing fights because sometimes we’ve been angry at each other.

N) Have a shocking title

I blew it the other day. I wanted to title this piece: “How I torture women” but I settled for “I’m Guilty Of Torture.” I wimped out. But I have some other fun ones, like “Is It Bad I Wanted My First Kid To Be Aborted” (which the famous Howard Lindzon cautioned me against).

Don’t forget that you are competing against a trillion other pieces of content out there. So you need a title to draw people in. Else you lose.

O) Steal

I don’t quite mean it literally. But if you know a topic gets pageviews (and you aren’t hurting anyone) than steal it, no matter who’s written about it or how many times you’ve written about it before. “How I Screwed Yasser Arafat out of $2mm” was able to nicely piggyback off of how amazingly popular Yasser Arafat is.

P) Make people cry

If you’ve ever been in love, you know how to cry.

Bring readers to that moment when they were a child, and all of life was in front of them, except for that one bittersweet moment when everything began to change. If only that one moment could’ve lasted forever. Please let me go back in time right now to that moment. But now it’s gone.

Q) Relate to people

The past decade has totally sucked. For everyone. The country has been in post-traumatic stress syndrome since 9/11 and 2008 only made it worse. I’ve gone broke a few times during the decade, had a divorce, lost friendships, and have only survived (barely) by being persistent and knowing I had two kids to take care of, and loneliness to fight.

Nobody’s perfect. We’re all trying. Show people how you are trying and struggling. Nobody expects you to be a superhero.

R) Time heals all wounds

Everyone has experiences they don’t want to write about. But with enough time, its OK. My New Year’s Resolution of 1995 is pretty embarrassing. But whatever…it was 16 years ago.

The longer back you go, the less you have to worry about what people think.

S) Risk

Notice that almost all of these rules are about where the boundaries are. Most people play it too safe.

When you are really risking something and the reader senses that (and they WILL sense it), then you know you are in good territory. If you aren’t risking something, then I’m moving on. I know I’m on the right track if after I post something someone tweets, “OMFG.”

T) Be funny

You can be all of the above and be funny at the same time.

When I went to India I was brutalized by my first few yoga classes (actually every yoga class). And I was intimidated by everyone around me. They were like yoga superheroes and I felt like a fraud around them. So I cried, and hopefully people laughed.

It was also a case where I didn’t have to dig into my past but I had an experience that was happening to me right then. How do you be funny? First rule of funny: ugly people are funny. I’m naturally ugly so its easy. Make yourself as ugly as possible. Nobody wants to read that you are beautiful and doing great in life.

U) The last line needs to go BOOM!

Your article is meaningless unless the last line KILLS.

Read the book of short stories “Jesus’ Son” by Denis Johnson. It’s the only way to learn how to do a last line. The last line should take you all the way back to the first line and then “BOOM!”

V) Use a lot of periods

Forget commas and semicolons. A period makes people pause. Your sentences should be strong enough that you want people to pause and think about it. This will also make your sentences shorter. Short sentences are good.

W) Write every day

This is a must. Writing is spiritual practice. You are diving inside of yourself and cleaning out the toxins. If you don’t do it every day, you lose the ability. If you do it every day, then slowly you find out where all the toxins are. And the cleaning can begin.

X) Write with the same voice you talk in

You’ve spent your whole life learning how to communicate with that voice. Why change it when you communicate with text?

Y) Deliver value with every sentence

Even on a tweet or Facebook status update. Deliver poetry and value with every word. Else, be quiet.

Z) Take what everyone thinks and explore the opposite

Don’t disagree just to disagree. But explore. Turn the world upside down. Guess what? There are people living in China. Plenty of times you’ll find value where nobody else did.

AA) Have lots of ideas

I discuss this in “How to be the Luckiest Man Alive” in the Daily Practice section.

Your idea muscle atrophies within days if you don’t exercise it. Then what do you do? You need to exercise it every day until it hurts. Else no ideas.

BB) Sleep eight hours a day

Go to sleep before 9pm at least 4 days a week. And stretch while taking deep breaths before you write. We supposedly use only 5% of our brain. You need to use 6% at least to write better than everyone else. So make sure your brain is getting as much healthy oxygen as possible. Too many people waste valuable writing or resting time by chattering until all hours of the night.

CC) Don’t write if you’re upset at someone

Then the person you are upset at becomes your audience. You want to love and flirt with your audience so they can love you back.

DD) Use “said” instead of any other word

Don’t use “he suggested” or “he bellowed,” just “he said.” We’ll figure it out if he suggested something.

EE) Paint or draw.

Keep exercising other creative muscles.

FF) Let it sleep

Whatever you are working on, sleep on it. Then wake up, stretch, coffee, read, and look again.

Rewrite. Take out every other sentence.

GG) Then take out every other sentence again.

Or something like that.

Sanket didn’t want to go to grad school after we graduated. He had another plan. Lets go to Thailand, he said. And become monks in a Buddhist monastery for a year. We can date Thai women whenever we aren’t begging for food, he said. It will be great and we’ll get life experience.

It sounded good to me.

But then he got accepted to the University of Wisconsin and got a PhD. Now he lives in India and works for Oracle. And as for me…

I don’t know what the hell happened to me.

About the Author:

James Altucher is an American hedge fund manager, entrepreneur, bestselling author, venture capitalist and podcaster. He has founded or cofounded more than 20 companies, including Reset Inc. and StockPickr and says he failed at 17 of them.

via jamesaltucher.com

[nightangel0402]

My Beliefs

I have an interesting belief system to say the least. Though I was raised Catholic, I don't consider myself a full Catholic. Instead I'm a person who mixes different religious ideologies to form a unique set of beliefs for myself. This is an example of syncretism, because "As commonly used, the word “syncretism” has a negative ring it connotes a mixture, if not a hodgepodge, of religions" (Koertner,295). Along with the mixture of religious ideologies, I also mix in Nihilistic ideologies.

Starting with my more spiritual practices, on most days I like to think and believe in a god. While many monotheistic religions, like Christianity and Judaism, portray God as a human like man, I believe God has no one single form that we can perceive. Rather God appears in forms that we are most comfortable with, but those forms aren't the solely true appearance. This could explain the different things people see during a near death or out of body experience.

I believe God created this universe through The Big Bang to use as little energy as possible. Similar to the catholic belief that we are put on this earth for a reason, I believe each and everything that exist has a purpose and reason. This includes humans, animals, and even tiny things like pebbles. My Jewish friend believed that this life was preparing us for the next life and I agree. To me, we are born in a specific time and space different from others so we can develops strong and unique souls. By having a strong and unique soul, we can better live without our bodies in the next world.

While many religions like Baptist, Judaism, and Zen may advise against worldly pleasures, I am not in full agreement. In my belief, we should enjoy the treasure we have each day like friends, family, food, nature, and so much more. Similar to how the Buddha enjoyed a simple bowl of milk and some rice, I enjoy apples, the details in plants, and the sky above. I enjoy these things even more when I remember that God allowed these things to exist.

Now how do I practice my beliefs if I don't attend church or meditate in silence? I practice my beliefs by acting on them. Like a good samaritan, I love my neighbors and try not to over embellish in the seven deadly sins. I meditate in my mind when I walk my dog and see all the beauty in my surroundings as well as the beauty in myself. When I try falling asleep or watch videos on philosophy, I think about the nature of this world and how I can improve it and myself. Most of all I worship God not through hour long prayers or sacrifices, but by honoring and appreciating it through the gifts it created. To me, everything is made and holds a piece of God, including our souls and body. By loving everything and caring for myself, I love and care for God.

When I was young and going through a lot of rough surgeries, my mother told me that I was blessed and that God always finishes what he starts. I was very fortunate to have so many people praying for me, but I'm not certain if their prayers did anything or not. Still, prayer offers the individual a means of dealing with both negative and positive experiences in the present and the projected future (Spika, ch 5). Knowing this, I believe prayers are very special and important in any religion. Though I'm unsure as to how they affect the world, I believe in the sincerity and heart behind prayers whether they are Catholic, Judaic, or some other religions prayers.

Many religions express their beliefs through art whether it be the paintings and stained glass in churches or temples or the lovely statues of gods, heavenly figures, and saviors. Fortunately I com from a line of artist so I can express my self and beliefs through art. While I'm fairly good at painting, I like to draw and color the most. I hardly ever draw angels or religious icons, rather I draw symbolic animals and scenarios. The animals I draw each have a meaning like the tigers of hope and despair. By assigning values and meaning to each animal, it helps me to better understand those values and meanings. In many ways, this is similar to how Indian tribes would give value and meaning to animals. The prime animal that I draw and give the most value to is the fox. If my belief had a clear symbol it would be a fox. This is because, similar to me, the fox is a passionate animal that is adaptable and always changing to fit the environment. I draw the fox with red fur to show its passion, green eyes for its connection to the earth, and a bushy tail with a tip of white like a paintbrush to show its creativity. Whenever I feel down or stressed, I look to the drawings of my foxes for peace and empowerment, similar to how monks would look to statues of the Buddha for the same thing. As a side note, I draw God as a spiral galaxy from which all energy for creation comes from. In a way my depiction of God is kind of like The Way since it's something almost as unimaginable and a beyond infinite provider for the universe. Granted my depiction isn't as mysterious as The Way.

Another huge staple of religious beliefs are scriptures. With scriptures, people can read about their religion and the rules that govern it. While I have read parts of the Bible, the Tao Te Chang, and the En Teachings of Master Lin-Chi, I've never really taken any of their words to heart. Instead of copying and pasting words from different religious text, I interpret my own experiences and write my own scriptures. So far I've written a few poems and short writings to convey my beliefs. These days I'm also writing a picture book about the animals I've given meaning to. It will be a source of information and advice to help me and others who read it to understand how different behaviors, actions, feelings, and perceptions work as well as their pros and cons. Once I've finished the book, it will be a firm literate version of some of my beliefs. In the future, I also plan on writing more about my beliefs, in the hope that I can inspire others and give them hope like Corinthians 12:21 did for my mother.

From what I've written so far, it seems I'm very spiritual, but I don't stray away from less spiritual ideologies like atheism and nihilism. Every now and then I partake in thinking about the world through less spiritual and meaningful ideas. By thinking of the possibility that everything I know is could be meaningless and without an established purpose by God, I've learned to cope with those possibilities. Though I'm afraid of how small my life is in the grand scheme of things and the probability that there is nothing after death, it's those fears that inspire me to live and experience all that I can while I can. I take pride in giving value to things that could otherwise be meaningless like art, dreams, and love. As philosopher Bulent Diken writes,"Values are not absolute but this does not mean that there are no values". A lot of times I think as to why my life appears to have no distinct and straightforward purpose and it leads me to wonder if this was made intentional by God. Like maybe our life's purpose and value is like a blank piece of paper given to us by God. God could easily fill the paper for us, but that wouldn't be nearly as fun or creative compared to us filling it out based on our unique perception of the world. In the end, though nihilism fills me with doubts about this world and God, those doubts help strengthen my love and connection to the world and God.

While it seems chaotic and selfish to pick and chose different aspects of religions to create my own mixed belief system, I think it works very well for me. Just how there is no one way to learn and practice a school subject, there is no one way to learn and practice a belief. By mixing beliefs, I've created a new and unique belief that works for me and doesn't completely go against other beliefs. Though I don't go to church, I still love and worship God. Though I don't starve myself of pleasure, I meditate in my mind while walking and falling asleep. Though I don't always believe in God, I use those doubts to become closer to God. By having my own set of mixed beliefs, I can practice and believe them with sincerity and isn't that what all beliefs ask for?

Citations

Diken, B. (2009). Nihilism. London: Routledge.

Koertner, Ulrich H.J. "Syncretism and the Construction of a Personal Spirituality." THEOLOGY TODAY, 295-310 (3)70, The Author(s), 2013, University of Vienna, Schenkenstrasse 8-10, Vienna, 1230, Austria.

Spilka, Bernard, and Kevin L. Ladd. The Psychology of Prayer : A Scientific Approach, Guilford Publications, 2014. ProQuest Ebook Central, https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/usf/detail.action?docID=1010621.

[gyromitra-esculenta]

Synchronicity 10

Okay, so Tumblr managed to fuck up the draft I’ve posted before going to work. Sorry about that. Fuck.

Fear!AU. The mindfuck continues. When I say character death, I mean character death. Other than that, take your meds, and more ghosts. The Beast is THE asshole. On the other hand, we are still not out of the damn hospital.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

(…)“…lost them… think I found exit… can hear me… verge on my position…” It’s Lena. She’s alive. Alive and not that thing before him, but any answer he might want to shout at her dies in his throat as the apparition changes shape and form, its gaze and skin darken, hair grow long and black with hints of grey, the uniform loses any identification but not the stains of dried blood, and under the single eye that is not a gaping hole a tattooed symbol comes to life.(…)

***

(…)

And ways of the weapon bombard

Building mountains of them body bags large

Rubbernecking while collision greet your car

And you may know your name but don’t know who or what you are

(…)

He is leaning on the desk, eyes wildly searching around to orient himself. His hand brushes against something and Jack focuses on the PDA. Its screen, smeared with blood and broken as if someone punched it, flickers irregularly. Hesitantly he reaches for it.

His own hands are covered in fresher blood, scraps of skin under his fingernails. Where did it come from? Still holding the PDA he turns around, looking for the source. There is none.

He remembers grasping the datapad, searching for something, but now the thing is wiped clean when he manages to get it to react to his touch. Seventy-six. Seventy-six is something important, something that still stays with him – the number, there is something going on with the number, something that makes his vision swim and his breath shorten when he concentrates on it. Seventy-six. Seventy-six. He feels the bile rise in his throat.

Jack glances towards the camera. It seems somehow… dead now. The oppressive paranoid sensation of being observed is gone, like an invisible weight lifted from his shoulders.

“Yeah, the blighter is away now, luv,” Lena sighs. “If he could bloody see us now, hah, I reckon you gone and pissed into his cereal real good with this bloody stunt. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, luv.”

“We did, didn’t we?” The Beast laughs, malevolent vestiges of sound floating around Jack is sure he is the only one able to hear. “But do you ever listen, Sunshine?”

“Seventy-six, what does it mean? Why is it significant?” He turns towards Lena who shrugs without a care.

“You tell me, luv,” she rolls her remaining eye, “I wouldn’t even bloody know where to begin…” Her words are cut short by the electric hum of the communicator. Jack almost screams in relief when he hears the voice, distorted by the interference, but still recognizable.

“…lost them… think I found exit… can hear me… verge on my position…” It’s Lena. She’s alive. Alive and not that thing before him, but any answer he might want to shout at her dies in his throat as the apparition changes shape and form, its gaze and skin darken, hair grow long and black with hints of grey, the uniform loses any identification but not the stains of dried blood, and under the single eye that is not a gaping hole a tattooed symbol comes to life.

“This is no moment to dwell on the past, rafeeq,” the woman – the woman he knows not – speaks, and he understands. Rafeeq. Friend. One you trust with your life. “You do not have much time left to linger here, yours is the soldier’s lot and the battles are before you.”

It’s too much, too much of everything, he feels like drowning, like the ground is slipping from under his feet, and there is no-one to catch him as he falls into the hungering darkness of his own mind that creates those phantoms for him. Crazy or not. Not a question. A denial. The fractures propagate. He cannot see himself behind the spider web they create.

“Why? Why can’t you all let me be? What… What are you, who are you?” Jack all but screams the questions at her but she steps closer and cradles his face in her palm. It emanates warmth and familiarity.

“That I cannot tell you, rafeeq, the only answers I know are the ones you know yourself, but he, he can show you the way,” she smiles and cranes her head to the side, it is not a happy smile, but a smile nonetheless. “He knows all the answers, you feel it, and you have to make him understand he needs to share them, you have to make him show it to you. Because it’s you that has to understand for whom he’s looking for and help him find that person.”

“He is dead,” Jack remembers the body in the morgue and the wraith’s words, “he can’t find someone’s who’s dead.” He feels tired, so tired, his voice comes out hushed and pained.

“And maybe, rafeeq, this is exactly what you have to show him, make him realize his search is in vain, and the only thing left is balancing the scales,” she steps back and pulls him by his wrist towards the exit. “He has chosen you, after all, given you a part to play.”

“And no choice in the matter,” he lets her lead him, somehow her presence is comforting.

“And if you had the choice, what would you do?”

“I don’t…” Jack starts to respond, but the Beast, dormant till now, purrs against his skin.

“Tell it how it is, Sunshine, don’t be coy,” it shows its fangs in a wide grin, long dark tongue licking its maw leisurely.

“I would still follow him,” he admits. He cannot deny the draw, the purpose, the drive, something lacking for so long he cannot recall when was the time he had an objective – a goal – something to look forward to. He remembers endless days spent drifting and counted only by dwindling prescriptions and sessions in-between deployments, the dull haze of waiting for a presence that was never there. “Waiting for him,” the realization staggers him as he swallows. “Why was I…?”

“The same way you know the path. You have seen those halls, rafeeq,” she lets go of his hand. “Maybe you don’t know him but you do know him because there is a formula to creating you and a recipe for making many more of you,” she points towards the turn of the corridor, at the door protected with a code lock. “The sacred sequence of life.”

Jack looks at her, at her tattoo and missing eye, at the throat punctured by bullets, at the dark stains on her stomach, and then advances towards the lock and lays his hand on it. The letters become the equations, present an elegant solution that makes his stomach lurch and tie in knots as his fingers slide over the keys with a mind of their own. Muscle memory. Muscle memory of something he had never done before. When he looks back over his shoulder, she is gone, her absence feels almost physical, and he wonders if she were someone important to him, once, or if his mind chose her shape on a whim.

“Oh, I’m not telling, Sunshine,” the Beast chortles behind him as he crosses the threshold into pristine halls far removed from the chaos and death made comfortable in other parts of the facility. Talon logos adorn the walls. “Merely the withdrawal.” At the mention, Jack feels the perspiration on his skin and his fingers stray from the proper code, the next lock beeps at him accusingly before he gets it right. The pills. The goddamn pills. His mouth runs dry and he staggers, leaning against the wall. Crazy. Crazy. Batshit crazy. No question about it.

Footsteps. Jack brings up the shotgun and hugs the wall, peering over the corner. He takes a deep breath, then calls out, tries to call out but the first time he fails.

“Genji.” The footsteps abruptly stop.

“That you, Morrison?” Jack extends his hand out, fist clenched, then shows two fingers in confirmation. “Fuck. Never have I thought I’m going to say I’m happy to see you, you old fuck.”

“Your comm, what’s up with it?”

“Man, you’re not gonna believe that, but it’s wrecked, something smashed me against a wall, still got splinters in my face,” Genji comes closer and Jack moves out of his cover to meet him. “And it fucking well didn’t look human. Or didn’t feel like one, either.”

“I know. What’s your status.”

“Fucking relieved, man,” Genji laughs shortly but his expression stays nervous, lips straining. “Nothing much. Lot of bodies, scavenged some for rifle and magazines. Fuck, there’s a lot of those PMCs strewn around, and civilians, and something fucked them up real fucking good.”

“There are no civilians,” Jack steps to the side, “this is Talon blacksite. Blackwatch’s purging it. Some of their specimens must have gotten out in the meantime.”

“Ah, shit, you weren’t joking about that Blackwatch shit,” Genji’s face scrounges up in disgust. “Fuck. Fiddlesticks. Fuck. Have you heard anything from my brother?”

Jack lets him take the point. It’s good… to talk with someone breathing. Living. Real. Corporeal. Maybe he’s not as crazy as he expects.

“I heard him,” he admits. “Some time ago. He didn’t sound well, but no-one here is well,” Jack adds. “There’s someone else in here with us. Reaper.”

“Now, sunshine, that’s a fucking stupid name, if you ask me. You come up with it?” Genji chuckles, nodding at him and gesturing towards another bend with a sway of his head. Jack moves and crouches. Clear.

“LaCroix used the designation. Team One supposedly released him out of containment.”

“So Jesse’s…”

“I don’t know. But if you start seeing, hearing strange things, he’s close,” Jack turns back to look at Genji and freezes at the shadows whirling behind him. He stands up while his visor glass crackles with interference and blinks.

“Jesus fucking Buddha, I have something on my face, what?” Genji takes a step as Jack moves back raising his hand to gesture at the person – Hanzo – emerging from the rippling gloom. Static in his ears becomes unbearable, stabbing into his brain. “Fucking shit, Morrison, talk to me!”

Hanzo stops and lifts his handgun, levels it with Genji’s head. Jack wants to call out, to warn him, lips starting to form sounds when the older Shimada pulls the trigger. Something wet sprays on his face. Jack feels strong shudder traveling along the length of his own body.

Genji falls forward.

He’s shivering, his fingers are trembling, but it’s something besides the point, besides everything, because he’s standing to the side. He feels nothing as he reaches for the cigarette and puts it between his lips. Absentmindedly, he notes his fingers are still covered in blood, there is still flesh under his fingernails. He lights the cigarette up staring at motionless Hanzo, at the horror slowly spreading on the man’s face.

Inhale. Count. Exhale.

He feels nothing.

Inhale. Count. Exhale.

“No… No, that’s not… the demon,” Hanzo is babbling, his eyes glance erratically to the sides, he’s hyperventilating, and Jack knows he should run but he is an observer standing to the side. “The demon, oni, it killed… it killed him.”

Jack is somewhere else and the Beast laughs, it laughs when it kisses his cheek slobbering on it with black tar. Inhale, count, exhale.

“No,” this isn’t his voice, can’t be his voice, he cannot speak calmly, he feels nothing as he locks eyes with glaring red points in the darkness over Hanzo’s shoulder, “he merely gave you a nudge.”

“What do you speak of?” Hanzo’s head snaps up and Jack continues.

“He gave you the conviction to make real on what you’ve always wanted to do. You’ve removed the disgrace,” Jack shakes his head. Shadows crowd the edges of his vision.

“No, no… You,” Hanzo suddenly hollers, ”you scheme with the demon. I can see that! It’s your doing! Your…!” Jack stares down the barrel of the gun and at the same time sees the image of Hanzo pulling the trigger.

The bullet hits something with a wet splotch just beside his left ear and Hanzo fires again but from the writhing gloom behind him a gnarled growth springs forward and grabs at him. It pulls him back into black miasma, his body contorts amidst howls of pain and sickening crunches of breaking bones and muscles being torn. Jack finishes his cigarette and throws the butt away.

He feels nothing staring at the oily glistening remains in the corner. His hands shake. It must be shock.

“No, Sunshine,” the Beast whispers against his skin as Reaper drifts past him, “you just don’t care.” He does not care. He cannot afford to care. His legs buckle under him and he sinks to knees, breathing sharp and deep. “I told you, didn’t I, Sunshine, that we would kill him? And we just did.”

And we just did. You don’t like him. We will kill him. And we just did. Jack tries to find purchase, lift himself, but his body seizes and he spews the bile until his throat burns and there is nothing more left to vomit.

And even then he’s still retching slimy mucus and saliva.

You don’t like him. We will kill him.

[asterinjapan]

Of Buddhas and cats (or: black and white)

Hello again after a hot and surprisingly long day in Tokyo!

After getting up so early yesterday, I set my alarm for 8:15, mostly so I could wash my hair before breakfast (which ends at 9:30). I was too tired to actually get up at that time however, so I decided to never mind and just be in time for breakfast.

It was very hot today, right from the early morning onward. The weather forecast had predicted a cloudy morning and sunshine later, and you can usually count on the Japanese weather forecast to be more-or-less reliable, so I just assumed it would be. Time to visit some outdoors locations it was!

I picked the locations I needed non-JR trains for, since I have a JR pass I can use starting August 2, so it’d be a bit of a waste to go to places by JR train if I can do it later for free. And hey, it helped me narrow down my options for today. I decided to take the Tobu Tojo line first, to Shimo-Akatsuka. I had found this location on a random website, which I had open on my cellphone because long live the modern age and free wi-fi, haha. The website instructed to leave the station, turn left, and then walk for 20 minutes straight until there was a plate pointing at the Botanical Gardens. Those are instructions even I can’t mess up on, and indeed, after walking for about 20 minutes I ran into the plate.

No, I wasn’t actually going to the Botanical Gardens. The temple I intended to visit is Jorenji, except it’s apparently such a frequently visited spot that they didn’t even bother with separate street signs for it, pfff. There are some hints, though – a nearby street is called Tokyo Daibutsu, and there’s a noodle shop with the same name. Hmmm.

Anyway, right at the turn for the botanical gardens, I ran into the temple entrance I was looking for. If you know a little Japanese and/or listened to my ramblings in previous years, you might already know that Daibutsu means Great Buddha, and that’s exactly what I came here for. Now, in the cities of Kamakura and Nara are giant Buddha statues that are incredibly famous and well-known, but until I clicked that website, I had no idea Tokyo even had one of its own. Granted, it’s way more recent than the aforementioned ones, but still! You’d think they want to cash in on giant statues, but nope, entrance was free. (This is pretty surprising since usually you have to pay to visit temples, even if it’s just 100 yen or something. The very famous and popular ones can go up to 1000 yen. For reference: 100 yen is slightly less than 1 euro.) And after climibng the stairs to enter through the gate, you only had to turn right to spot the Buddha of Tokyo. It’s much taller than I thought, I think it’s like 13 meters tall? It’s actually the third largest bronze Buddha of Japan, apparently. It’s hard to see on the pictures though, so I tried to take a picture with someone else in it for reference. That’s harder than it sounds, because this temple is not exactly as busy as Nara or Kamakura. Which is a shame, because the area is quite lovely. The (black) Buddha statue sits on a lotus, and there are actually artificial ponds nearby with lotus flowers! There’s also an actual pond with koi fish, and quite some statues to discover. It’s not a huge area, but since it’s not super busy, I’d definitely recommend this visit from Tokyo. The only drawbacks are the walk (if you’re walking in 32 C with the sun burning it’s not quite comfortable, let me put it that way) aaaand well, if you go in summer with the bugs buzzing and a pond nearby…. Yeah, bug bites. My legs kinda look like battle zones at this point, oops.

I braved the walk and kept to the shadows, but I was glad I had brought my fan with me today, because phew, it sure was getting hot, especially after two slightly cooler days. Anyway, thankfully the train back to Ikebukuro was airconditioned, so I could cool down a bit as I decided where to go next.

I had lunch at Ikebukuro station, for which I was looking for a specific food stands, but I couldn’t find it anymore because it turns out I’d walked too far and ended up in the wrong warehouse. Yeah, that’s right – Ikebukuro station has at least 3 different warehouses, all at least 8 stories high. My hometown barely has one warehouse, and this is inside a station. I really felt like a country bumpkin, being amazed over that, haha.

Anyway, by then I’d made my decision about where to go next. I first went to Shinjuku station (yaaay, my favourite – it’s so huge it’s almost impossible to not get lost) to transfer to the Odakyu line. That’s the line that goes all the way to Odawara (on the way to Hakone), but I had the local version of it, which stops at every stop including the one I needed: Gotokuji.

Gotokuji is also the name of the temple I was going to visit, but apparently that didn’t matter enough for them to put up plates, pff. Luckily, Google maps came to my rescue! It led me straight through the neighbourhood, but let me tell you: if you want to visit this temple, be sure to type in Gotokuji ENTRANCE in Google maps. I just typed in Gotokuji, which led me to the temple alright – except it was to one of the three (out of four total) gates that was closed. Turns out I had to be on the entirely other side of the complex, which isn’t exactly small. In the summer heat…

Eventually I found the one entrance I could use, and I noticed some more tourists now, surprisingly many foreigners. The temple complex looks very normal, until you take a closer look at the pagoda: it has tiny cats carved in it. And if you turn right there, you will see exactly why this temple in the middle of a normal neighbourhood still draws in foreign tourists.

You see, this temple is famous for one thing: beckoning cats (maneki-neko). The story goes that the temple used to be very small, owned by a poor monk and his cat. One day a group of samurai passed the temple, and the cat beckoned for them. They found this so peculiar that they followed to cat inside, and then thunder struck (according to some stories, it struck the exact tree they’d been seeking shelter under). One of the samurai then donated tons of money to the temple, making it prosper and making the beckoning cat a symbol of bringing in prosperity. Or well, good business – which is why you’ll often see them in front of Japanese restaurants in the west.

So, one beckoning cat. Naturally a statue was made, and then another, and then another, because everyone wanted a cat to place at the temple to bring good luck. And now, there are literally hundreds to thousands of tiny to not so tiny white cat statues, all exactly the same savev for their size, neatly set up in this small area. Tons and tons of cats all beckoning. No points for guessing what everyone came to see, haha.

There’s a bit more to the complex, as it’s also ‘just’ a Zen temple (and you’re not allowed to actually enter a Zen temple, so the cats are the biggest draw to this complex). And of course, there’s a little shop where you can buy a cat of your own and put it with the rest outside (or you know, keep it because it’s cute – shush, the money gained from the sales goes directly into the temple anyway). I got a couple, mooched off the wi-fi to send some pictures home, and then slowly started to make my way back to the station.

This was only a ten minute walk, but I was still glad once I hit the station, what with the heat. Back in Ikebukuro, I ‘just’ wanted to check one store, but I ended up shopping for like an hour, haha. In the end, my feet started protesting quite a bit, so I got dinner and called it a day. (I actually wanted to do karaoke, but meh, I still have 2 full weeks left, so I will soon enough).

So here I am, fresh out of the shower and preparing for tomorrow, when I’ll be meeting up with my Japanese friend again to go to Ueno. In the evening, we’ll attend the Sumidagawa hanabi – the fireworks of the river Sumida. When I went there in 2010, a million (!) people did the same, so it’ll be quite a bit busier than it was today, haha.

Well, off to bed now, good night and see you tomorrow!

[silver-n-ruby]

Achievement unlocked!

As days, months, years pass, I reflect on the noises of the cafeteria of my new campus I thought, how long have I been trying to achieve this dream? Months...? Years...? Probably even longer. Ever since I went to Japan back in 2009, I've always longed to see it again; I pray to see it again someday... and now, I've got that dream. I finally got to see the steps of the stairs of a small temple, see small Buddha statues again with red ribbons tied around its neck and its whole being placed carefully inside of an even smaller pedestal just outside. I finally got to see the bright street signs in all of its glory, blaring into the night; the sounds of a police officer giving announcements during its patrol; the voice of bus station stops in two languages beside my own. and finally, I got to see sakura petals bloom and fall for the first time in my life without the worry of having to leave the scenery and say goodbye for many other uncertain years. I have moved to Japan. Yes, I’ve moved momentarily to Japan! Of course... I could've gotten all that I wanted in Indonesia: a full kitchen with cooking materials, a comfortable bed, a loving family, a community of friends that I can talk and relate to, a network of people who are wiling to help me in case I need a job, cheap drawing and painting equipment, food that will be ready when I get home, and a lot of other comfortable things to have when you stay in a country more than half of your life... yet I still stubbornly chose to pursue my dreams from high school: to be able to study abroad, and I’ve finally achieved it!

Also, I would be lying if I wanted to go to graduate school because I want to escape work (lol), I didn't like my last job and I wanted a new environment but that isn't where it stops. My obsession towards Japan is sort of unhealthy... I think... that I really just want to experience their culture on my own; maybe even become a part of their community too. That has been my dream ever since I was acquainted with anime (exact age undisclosed) and my obsession with Japan started by learning their language and later learn their culture from mere animated shows that they put on Indonesian television every single Sunday morning. When that wasn't enough, I tried watching other anime shows outside the Sunday mornings and become even more obsessed with them, and later during High School I finally embraced the otaku culture like a stamp glued to a letter. but alas, I've achieved one of my dream and ambitions to be able to study abroad in the lands of Shinto, the ever-revered country of animation, in a major of Social Sciences that specifically study Society and Culture as a Graduate student. This has been one of my most humbling present from the Lord. My main reason for studying again is kind of stupid, though... I never needed that masters degree, neither would I know where it'll bring me into the future. My body and soul has been sold to design, and studying social science seemed like a leap of faith. I've only received minimal amount of study in the social sciences too; the only ones that I've received are from high school and even then my grades back then were not good enough. It seemed almost shallow and stupid that I've decided to be enrolled again into a school -a graduate school nonetheless- but it's one of those that guarantees me to be able to stay in Japan for the longest time possible. Even so, I am certain that whatever I'm going to study here will not come to waste as I also plan to study the effects of culture and society towards the media and communications which still has many relations with graphic design and with God's grace... I am allowed a seat in the school. Being in an international campus with, apparently, a lot of Indonesian students does not exactly make me proud. In some sense, it does, but because I /am/ in an International Campus, not because I'm going to have friends from Indonesia. I'm not saying that Indonesians are boring people either, but I don't think I'm bothered to befriend them when you have so much people from all over the world placed in one area: people from Tajikistan, Bangladesh, India, The Philippines, Tonga, Norway, Netherlands, Germany, even as foreign as the Solomon Islands and Japanese themselves are people you can learn a lot from. I have indeed, enjoyed my time here for about a month now and I pray that everything will be alright. I did feel a little bit overwhelmed since I feel like I know so few about the outside world for the past few days, but I believe that I can be better by conditioning myself into the position of a person who is willing to learn. I'll become a sponge once again and I also pray that I will be able to do all of my research not for man, but for God. It sounds a little strange coming from me, but I really pray that I can dedicate everything to the one who have granted me this opportunity, which was none other than the grace of God Himself. It will be tough, and I will struggle to think about God every now and then, but I'm also praying in my heart that I will be able to hold on to Him to go through all of the troubles in life here. Last of all... even though I have a very small audience, I want to tell you that your prayers can and will be answered by God. No matter what kind of faith you believe in, I believe that Christ will love you either way and if you pray, your prayers will be answered. I've had the dream of studying abroad since I was in high school and I've only managed to get it now; there must have been a reason behind it that only God knows and it's fine. Not every plan survived its first contact, the key is to never stop trying and believing. If you have a dream, never let it go; seize and chase it until you have full control of it. Even when you do achieve your dream, be strong enough to endure anyone who tries to steal it from you. Your dreams are yours alone!

** P.S: Happy Passover/Easter for those who celebrate! I’m rather a little inactive here since I’m settling in and everything and social science major seemed to have a lot of reading required and I haven’t been adding a proper slot to draw as I’m still trying to figure things out since I also have my dearest here! I really hope I can get back on track with my drawings again and achieve my greater dream to become an artist/designer in Japan. Until then!

[athyrabunlord]

Modern Fairytale

Summary: You felt it was love at first sight, akin to those fateful meetings described in fairytales. A/N: AU romantic and hopefully realistic sort of oneshot filled with cute sweet moments. Yes, this is the oneshot I mentioned some time ago. I’m just glad it’s finished x.x Ship: YouxRiko Words: 8,591

“The Sagami Bay sure is pretty…”

Watanabe You sighed to herself as she leaned back in her seat and gazed out of the window for the umpteenth time. When she first moved to Kamakura, she made it a priority to find the perfect place to chill an afternoon away. She was captivated by the city’s countless historical sites of course, but her inner Uchiura spirit still demanded a decent view of the sea.

And so, after quite a bit of searching, she was able to locate this small cafe by the bay. There was a comfy little couch situated by the window, allowing the viewer to appreciate the scenery as they enjoyed their afternoon beverage. Smiling, You took out a small sketchbook and began to draw from memory the places she had visited today before coming here. Her doctor did advise her to just follow her heart and avoid any situation that might cause her stress. Therefore, she tried not to put too much effort into her hobby, though the remnant of her professional sense still surfaced from time to time.

Ah, what would the shop owner think if she told the kind lady that she used to be a diver for the national team?

Shaking her head, You ignored the phantom prick at the back of her mind and focused on her sketch. Under her doctor’s recommendation, she travelled around Japan for sightseeing, anything that would not stress her mind and body. Not long after she began her journey, she fell for Kamakura’s ancient aura and settled then and there. The next step to help her recuperation was to decide on a hobby that would help her relax.

Well, what did she love best besides the sea? Designing and drawing! Now that she’s found the ideal place, she was able to sketch several pages daily, each one filled to the edge with details and creativity that kept her brain whirring. Perhaps, eventually, she’ll aim to become a freelance designer?

She paused and stared rather sheepishly at the Buddha statue she just doodled. She should really stop adding stylish accessories or one of these days, the divine presence above would punish her for real.

Just as she thought of that, something suddenly vibrated against her buttocks!

Her yelp garnered curious glances from the few patrons in the shop, so she waved her hand apologetically at them before scooting to the edge of the sofa seat. What was that just now? She dug under the seat cushion and soon found a cellphone stuck within the fold. The person who was sitting here must have forgotten it or it had fallen out of their pocket.

Either way, someone was calling the phone rather desperately as it kept on ringing. Seeing the unknown number, You deduced that the owner must be calling from a public phone and decided to answer it.

“H-Hello? Um, y-you’ve found my phone?” A clearly panicking female voice let out a shaky sigh. “Oh, I’m sorry for being so rude. You see, I have lost my phone and-”

Taking pity on the woman, You chuckled amiably. “It’s okay! I’m sitting at the sofa seat beside the window, at White Lily. You were sitting here, weren’t you?”

“Yes, I was there until I had to leave for a meeting… it was only now that I realized I don’t have my phone with me,” the woman laughed coyly, and You could practically feel her embarrassment. She was sure that the other woman must be blushing.

“Haha, things just happen sometimes. Don’t worry miss, I’m still at the coffee shop. I’ll wait here.”

“E-Eh? But I’m at Shinjuku and the next train won’t be here for another hour, so that’s more than two hours before I can make it back...”

“That’s okay, I don’t have plans for the day.” Or any other day really, You thought a little sadly. “Oh, unless you’d prefer that I just leave the phone with the shop owner-?”

“I’ll come!” The woman said hastily, her voice softening a moment later in mortification. “Erm, I mean, I’d like to thank you in person. If you hadn’t found my phone, there’s a chance that no one would’ve found and picked it up before the battery runs out.”

“That’s decided then! I’ll wait here for you, okay?”

“Thank you very much, um…”

“Watanabe You! Nice to meet you- well, technically we haven’t met, heh.”

The woman giggled softly, and You decided she was becoming fond of her voice. It was velvety with the kind of feminine grace that the former diver could never hope to achieve.

“My name is Sakurauchi Riko. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m very sorry about all of this and I promise I’ll make up for it.”

You found herself wearing the biggest grin after the call ended. Finally, she had something to look forward to! Though she was grateful for her peaceful ‘time off’, so to speak, she was worried that the uneventful daily happenings might make her restless down the road. She’s been a very active person throughout her life, so she needed excitement once a while to keep her spirit going.

She glanced at her reflection in the window and hastily fixed her messy bangs, for she tended to wear a cap to hide the bird’s nest she called her hair. In spite of her cute quirks, Sakurauchi Riko seemed to carry herself with dignity so You wanted to be presentable at least.

Once she was sure that her appearance was acceptable, she resumed sketching with zest. However, as time went by, she realized that she’s been doodling profiles of various women that might fit Riko’s voice. She imagined Riko to be around her age if not older, based on her mannerism. Riko probably had hair longer than hers, though it could be either wavy or straight.

Before she knew it, the sun was already making its descent and she had drawn many variations of the imaginary Sakurauchi Riko. Much to her chagrin, now that she reviewed her work, she had even doodled some bunnies on the side as if to characterize the woman.

She looked up quickly when she heard the door chime. There had been other patrons while she was drawing, but she barely glanced at any of them then, for her instincts knew it wasn’t the mysterious caller.

This time, though, she gazed attentively at the beautiful woman who just entered the shop. She was taller than You imagined or, rather, everything else about this stranger exceeded her expectations. She had cascading burgundy hair that reached her mid-back as well as a pair of amber eyes reminiscent of a shy cat.

After giving the shop a quick glance, the woman turned towards the seat by the window with slight hesitation.

Then she smiled.

“Hello. I’m Sakurauchi Riko, the one who lost the phone… you must be Watanabe You-san?”

You felt it was love at first sight, akin to those fateful meetings described in fairytales.

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“Oh! Sorry about that!”

“Mou, w-we’ve held hands before, it’s okay. Go ahead.”

Chuckling, You rubbed the back of her head and shyly squeezed Riko’s hand before taking the eraser. Riko smiled to herself, knowing that her cheeks probably matched You’s flushed ones as well. She shifted a bit so that she was sitting closer to the blue-eyed woman, which prompted the latter to grin and playfully deposit the eraser in her lap once she was done using it.

Riko felt so giddy that it was almost surreal. Surrounded by beautiful nature and accompanied by a fellow artist, she’s experienced and became addicted to the flavor of bliss. Here at the Kamakura Central Park, they’ve located a cool and shady spot under a particular tree and, soon, they fell into a comfortable sketching trance.

After receiving her lost phone, Riko had treated You to dinner for her kindness. To both women’s pleasant surprise, they chatted for a long time as if they were old friends and all that formality was quickly behind them. As they had similar hobbies, they had met up a few more times since then at the cafe and consequently had dinners together too. When Riko first suggested to go on a sketching trip, You had offhandedly replied “it’s a date then!”, which caused them to fluster. While neither commented on the topic, Riko was certain of their mutual attraction and even more so when You began to initiate more skinship after that.

Being the chivalrous and observant person she was, You would lightly touch her back when crossing streets and always made sure she was between the road and Riko as they walked down the sidewalk. In return, Riko would muster the courage to hold You’s hand or even boldly poke her soft cheeks at times.

“Ah, you’ve added a hat again, You-chan.”

“Hehe, you caught me!”

You saluted but made no move to erase the chic fedora she drew for the statue. Riko shook her head in exasperated fondness and simply admired her date’s creativity. While it might appear odd or even jarring at first glance, such sketches were actually refreshing and filled with personality, unlike her own detailed but very plain drawing.

She considered herself an introvert who preferred to enjoy peace and quiet rather than head out for parties. After graduating college, her friend circle had greatly dwindled and she only corresponded with the few remaining acquaintances once a while. It wasn’t as if she didn’t try, she simply lost confidence when people declined meet-ups or didn’t respond at all, which made her worried that she was intruding on their lives.

Therefore, she couldn’t believe she was able to get along with someone like You so well. Her heart fluttered every time the blue-eyed woman smiled at her - it was bright like the blue sky, encompassing and uplifting. It had been her source of inspiration since their chance meeting and she eagerly looked forward spending more time with You.

She didn’t recall ever being so enamoured with something or someone before. The closest instance she could think of was her infatuation with her viola, which steadily grew stronger over time until the instrument had become a vital part of herself. While she wasn’t certain exactly what she wanted, she knew that she wanted to know more about You.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t notice that she’s been staring blankly at her sketch until You scooted closer, their shoulders almost touching. “Is everything okay, Riko-chan?”

“Ah yes, I was just, um, thinking about this song. Remember I’m learning how to play the kokyuu?” She hastily came up with half-truth. As a professional viola player, she’s interested in trying out other string instruments. Perhaps it was Kamakura’s atmosphere, or the matsuri she’s attended, she thought of trying out the traditional Japanese string instrument.

She’ll always be thankful for this impulsive decision, for it led her to inadvertently forget her cell phone when she rushed back to Shinjuku to meet with her colleagues.

“I see… oh! That reminds me,” You peered at her like an enthusiastic puppy. “I want to watch you play! I’ve been thinking about it ever since you told me you’re a violist and-”

As fate would have it, a sudden breeze blew her sketchbook several pages and revealed various doodles of Riko playing a viola. A deep blush quickly blossomed on You’s cheeks as she snapped her sketchbook shut. “Ahaha, hope you don’t think I’m creepy…”

Riko blinked, feeling the heat rushing to her own cheeks. “Not at all. In fact, I’m rather pleased you’d want to watch me play. Violas aren’t popular after all. They don’t shine like the violin and they don’t have the staple presence like a cello.” Kind of like me. “So it makes me happy to hear that you’re interested in violas.”

“Eh, then I have a confession to make. It’s not the viola but rather, you, I’m interested in-? Urk,” You plunked her face against her sketchbook though it wasn’t enough to hide her red face. “Forget it! I didn’t say anything!”

“Oh, You-chan,” Riko affectionately reached over to caress her date’s cottony hair. “I promise I’ll show you next time. Hmm, we can go to my studio in Tokyo?”

“Really? Awesome! A second date then~” Seemingly energized and placated, You grinned up at her with those beautiful blue eyes brimming with pure joy.

“Mhmm, a second date.” An odd sensation tugged at her heart strings then and she felt compelled to do something to relieve this tension between them. Realizing how close they were, she hastily turned to her backpack and took out her bento box. “Um, since neither of us are drawing anyway, let’s eat lunch?”

“Sure, I’m getting hungry anyway. The mind can’t work on an empty stomach!”

Their light-hearted picnic diffused that inexplicable tension somewhat, and Riko felt like herself again. She was very impressed by You’s homemade curry and would even deem it to be the best she had ever tasted. On the other hand, You unapologetically wolfed down several of Riko’s sandwiches and cheekily requested that she should make more next time.

“In that case, a third date?” Riko bashfully glanced at You, who promptly saluted. The former chuckled fondly as she poured cups of green tea from the canteen she brought and handed one to her companion.

“Riko-chan’s good at brewing tea too~”

“Mou, enough with the flattery.”

“But I’m just saying the truth? If only my tummy can speak, it’ll tell you how satisfied it is!”

“T-Then mine can speak for hours about how delicious your curry is!”

“Daww! Okay, in return for those amazing sandwiches, I’ll make some of my best omelette yakisoba next time too!”

Both satiated with the meal as well as their arrangements, the two artists returned to their sketching mode. However, unlike earlier, Riko was unable to reach that content peace as her mind whirred with endless possibilities of their future dates. Already, she was listing the dishes she was good at making and debating whether it would fit You’s preference or not. Before she knew it, her sketchbook was filled with doodles of a puppy wearing a captain’s hat.

“Ehehe, so that’s how you see me, Riko-chan?”

Yelping, she shut her book and pouted reproachfully at the grinning woman. “No peeking!”

“But you’ve always shown me your sketches…”

“T-That’s because, they were drawings of scenery and still life…” Riko trailed off, realizing that those random doodles were the first to ever grace those pages of rigid illustrations that lacked the liveliness she sought. Between her intricate drawing of the park and the cartoonish puppy, she definitely preferred the latter.

“Oh, hold still for a sec…”

Riko’s eyes widened as You gingerly picked off a leaf that must have drifted to the top of her head. Her hand lingered a little, pausing beside her cheek before it was hastily withdrawn. Their gazes met and, once again, Riko felt that strange spark between them. She was distinctly aware of her thundering heartbeats as she subconsciously closed her eyes.

Nothing happened, however, so after a few moments, Riko peeked at the other woman and discovered that her eyes were also closed. Combined with those reddened ears, You appeared utterly adorable.

Endeared, Riko couldn’t help but giggle. You’s cheeks darkened and her eyes snapped open. “W-What? What’s so funny?”

“You really are cute…”

“Huh, why’re you saying that all of a sudden,” You averted her blue eyes and her voice dropped to a whisper. “Besides, w-why didn’t you… um…”

At this, Riko felt her face heat up as well. “I- I thought y-you were going to- I mean, you took that leaf off my hair and…”

“Oh, but when you looked at me like that, I thought…”

They blinked and stared at each other for a moment before bursting into quiet giggles. That peculiar spark was still here, but Riko no longer felt nervous and allowed her instincts to take over. As if reaching a wordless agreement, they leaned in at the same time their eyes fluttered close.

Their first kiss was chaste and sweet with love. It was so innocently romantic that Riko felt like it was a scene from those fairytales.

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“Here’s your hot cocoa~!”

“Thanks, You-chan.”

Feeling extra playful, You pecked the unsuspecting Riko’s cheek as the latter accepted the steaming beverage. Just as she was about to flee, the taller woman grasped her shirt and pressed her lips against hers. Before she could react, Riko sauntered away like a victorious cat.

Chuckling, You hurried after her girlfriend and hugged her from behind, mindful of the hot drinks they carried. After a bit of snuggling and a few more kisses, they settled comfortably on the sofa. You unreservedly gazed at Riko up and down, pleased at the sight of her girlfriend dressed in her clothes.

How could someone look so appealing no matter what they wear? It was just a simple button-up shirt and sweatpants You dug out from her drawers, yet they appeared rather sensual with the way the fabric fit to Riko’s form.

You resisted the urge to grin with pride. Gah, who could blame her to be so giddy? This beautiful woman was her girlfriend, within arm’s reach in her humble abode.

She was thankful for the sudden rain when they were strolling through the park where they first kissed, as they tended to do once a week. By the time they made it to You’s place, they were quivering and utterly drenched. You was adamant in letting Riko shower first, claiming she would just wipe herself with a towel as she waited. Truthfully, she was not ready to take a bath with her girlfriend just yet, worried she might not be able to control her desires.

After they were both warmed up from the shower and clad in clean clothes, You suggested that Riko stay overnight since the terrible rain wasn’t letting up. Riko, though hesitant at first, agreed and appeared to be intrigued by everything in You’s home. As she sipped at her drink, her alluring amber eyes were sweeping over the few books, ornaments and photoframes that decorated the sparse living room.

Meanwhile, You couldn’t stop staring at her pretty girlfriend. Her lustrous burgundy hair was loosely tied into a sidetail that draped over her left shoulder, revealing the creamy neck that made You subconsciously lick her parched lips. With Riko seated so close, all You’s senses were filled with her scent, the warmth of her body, and her enticing lips ripe for the taking. Those brief kisses earlier in the kitchenette were far from enough.

Sheepish, she shook her head and took a slow sip of her cocoa. This was why she forced herself to decline in showering with Riko. Who knew what she might do? Frankly, she was worried about these frequent fantasies about her girlfriend, so much that she missed those innocent days when they could peacefully spend time together without her mind wandering. Sure, they had been a couple for some time now, but that only made You more fretful.

She didn’t want to screw up their relationship. She adored Riko dearly and refused to let this primal side of herself ruin the incredible connection they shared!

“Hehe, I like this side of You-chan too.”

“Huh?! W-What side?” She squeaked, frantic that her girlfriend read her inner thoughts.

Riko tilted her head, puzzled by her reaction, before chuckling. “I mean your glasses, silly. You look cute in them too.”

Since she was at home, she naturally took off her contacts and donned those black-framed glasses, not realizing Riko had never seen her wearing them before even though she knew of her bad eyesight. She fidgeted nervously under those warm amber eyes and placed her cup aside.

“Cute? Nah, I’m all about being ikemen,” she lowered her voice to what was hopefully a husky tenor and sent her girlfriend a roguish grin.

Riko merely giggled.

“Really? Not good enough huh?”

“You’re You-chan. I like you no matter what you do,” Riko smiled softly but blushed a moment later and tried to appear nonchalant by sipping her drink.

“Gah, com’ere you!” You gently extracted the cup from her protesting hands before enveloping her in a big hug. They stayed in this comfy embrace for a while, enjoying each other’s presence to heart’s content. It was amazing how this simple gesture was able to assuage any turbulence in one’s mind.

No words could ever replicate the effect of feeling your beloved’s warmth.

She recalled the day she watched Riko play the viola in the studio, of how the musician shined brilliantly with her instrument. Riko truly loved music, You could feel it, and that resonated arduously within her soul. She remembered how passionate she once was with diving, yet due to her condition, she was unable to speak in great details about it to Riko.

She wanted Riko to experience the same joy she had for the sea too.

As if sensing the air of melancholy, Riko shifted in You’s lap and brushed away the latter’s bangs before smooching her forehead. “What are you thinking about, You-chan?”

“Hmmm, nothing much,” You blissfully closed her eyes and smiled when Riko peppered her face with more kisses. “Okay, I was just thinking about how pretty you are when you’re in your musician mode.”

“What, I’m not pretty otherwise?”

“No! That’s not what I meant!” You hastily opened her eyes only to find Riko giggling in mirth. “Geez, you tease. You know what I was trying to get at… you seem to be a different person? You have that um, cool, sexy aura going on.”

“Cool? S-Sexy? That’s not what I was expecting.”

“Like, you seem to enter a whole new realm. You look confident and peaceful and, well, really happy?”

Riko’s cheeks darkened as she mumbled something. When You didn’t catch her words, she lightly flicked the former’s forehead in reprimand. “I said, I-I only think of you nowadays whenever I play the viola. That helps me concentrate and perform better…”

You’s chest was filled with warmth and fluff, as well as pride for being able to affect her girlfriend so positively. “I’m so honored, milady~” She giggled blithely against the crook of Riko’s neck, her nose nuzzling playfully until the latter squirmed.

“You’re tickling me,” she chided as she pinched You’s cheeks, stopping her.

“Sowwy,” she grinned unapologetically. “Riko-chan smells too good, I can’t help myself~”

“Should I remind you this is from your body lotion and shampoo?”

“Nope, it’s not that kind of aroma. I’m talking about Riko-chan’s own scent.”

“W-What? That sounds rather… improper,” Riko blushed and disentangled from You’s arms. She brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and leaned over to the coffee table to retrieve her drink again. You could only gaze at her with a fond smile, mesmerized by her girlfriend’s graceful movements.

“Mou, stop staring…”

“Like I said, I can’t help it. You’ve completely captivated me, Riko-chan.” Though blushing, You said unabashedly as she meant every single word. Her heart had fallen for Riko since they first met, and this emotion only grew stronger as time went by.

Riko didn’t respond for a moment. Then, as if making up her mind about something, she tugged the scrunchie off of her sidetail before returning to You’s side. Smiling, she rested her forehead against You’s and gingerly cupped her cheek, caressing it with her thumb. “No, You-chan, I don’t think you understand how much you have captivated me.”

“Then show me?” You whispered with a slight tremor in her voice.

Riko kissed her then, so full of tenderness that she forgot how to breathe. All that guilt and worry of her inner fantasies melted away, leaving only the desire to show her girlfriend how much she adored her.

You interlaced their fingers, noting how nervous Riko was as well through the slight tremor of her hand. Wishing to reassure her, You chastely pressed her lips against Riko’s knuckles and hugged her close. They fumbled with each other’s clothes, clueless but eager, and kissed away any lingering hesitation. There was no need to fear, for they will explore this new phase of their relationship together.

Under the dim lighting and the comforts of her home, You discovered lovemaking to be every bit as dreamy as fairytales portrayed.

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“You-chan, are you awake?”

“Hmmm, nope.”

Riko tucked You’s head under her chin, smiling when her lover snuggled rather childishly into their embrace. She drew whimsical circles on You’s naked back, pleased by how the latter shivered under her touch. As if in retaliation, You sleepily licked Riko’s clavicles which brought out a mortifying gasp.

“Mou! You’re definitely awake...”

Pretending to be miffed, Riko extracted herself from You’s arms and adamantly ignored the latter’s whines. Once she was properly dressed, she carefully opened the blinds and smiled at the breathtaking sight that greeted her.

Uchiura was a quaint and beautiful little town, and she was saddened that their one-week vacation here was coming to an end.

The bed behind her rustled and soon warm arms slipped around her waist.

“Aaah~ can’t wait to be back at Kamakura, right, Riko-chan?”

Unable to answer truthfully, she merely nodded and played with You’s hands. After a moment’s hesitation, she began tentatively. “About your headac-”

“Yosh! Let’s make this last day the most fun one!”

Riko almost stopped You when the latter skipped away to the kitchenette of their rented room, yet the timid part of herself gripped her body. Swallowing down her words of concern, Riko sat down at the table in contemplative silence while You cheerfully prepared their breakfast.

When You had first suggested this trip to Uchiura, Riko was beyond happy that the former diver was ready to show more of her world. After all, You never fully explained why she decided to take time off and would change the topic whenever Riko inquired of her past. Thus, Riko was thrilled in exploring the town that You grew up and, for the most part, You was accommodating and took Riko to shrines, aquariums and even rented a cruiser while sharing various childhood memories.

However, the blue-eyed woman seemed keen in avoiding certain places, as if worried to run into anyone who might recognize her. Riko wasn’t too bothered by all this secrecy at first, for she was absorbed in anything that You showed her. For one, You taught her how to swim efficiently in the sea and how to make the snorkeling experience fun. Riko’s knowledge of swimming was basic and she had only ever been to the pool, thus she found You’s industrious methods to be fascinating. They swam with the fish, splashed water at each other and got touchy at seclusive parts of the beach a few times, relishing in such intimacy together.

Everything felt like a dream come true until the first night they returned to their lodging. Riko found You half-crouched in front of the sink, holding her head with a grimace. After taking a few painkillers, You seemed to have recovered from her headache. Riko let the matter drop but kept a careful watch on her girlfriend since then.

Their little vacation had resumed smoothly, though Riko noticed similar episodes when You thought she wasn’t looking. Whenever she brought up the subject, You would either close off or light-heartedly change the topic. Riko hoped she was only being paranoid, but everything about this was unsettling.

Just what was You not telling her?

Restless, Riko stood up from her seat, startling her girlfriend who was in the middle of pouring coffee into mugs.

“Riko-chan, what’s wrong-?”

She slammed her hand against the wall beside You’s head, cornering the shorter woman and forcing the latter to peer up with wide eyes. Riko was so ready to interrogate her then, those words already at the tip of her tongue, but that flicker of pure confusion in those blue eyes stopped her.

Perhaps, You just wanted this trip to be memorable and as perfect as possible?

Her resolve wanned and she fell prey to those cute puppy eyes. She tilted You’s chin and kissed her rather roughly as if to express her displeasure.

“Heh… you’re rather bold today,” You said hoarsely, the curve of her lips rather beguiling. “Maybe we shouldn’t leave the room so early-?”

“I don’t mind, You-chan, but you’re right with what you said earlier,” Riko fought down the temptation and merely embraced her girlfriend with everything she had, pained by her inability to help her beloved. “Let’s make this last day at Uchiura the best one ever.”

And it was. Rather than the beach, they headed for Awashima, a small island a short boat ride away from Uchiura, and dined at the top floor of a five-star hotel. Awed by the breathtaking view already, Riko was then brought to the Awashima Shrine where she enjoyed a different but just as incredible view of the sea. They spent the afternoon in a languid and content sort of sketching spree.

Truly, with the spectacular fireworks and peaceful stargazing afterwards, it was as if nothing was ever amiss and they were in paradise.

By the time they returned to Kamakura the next day, it was already evening and they were exhausted in a happy daze. After dropping the luggage to the side, You flopped onto the couch and pulled her girlfriend on top of her. Between a few languid kisses here and there, both were fine with just cuddling and resting within the comforts of You’s place.

The sense of familiarity almost lulled Riko to sleep when she felt You tense beneath her. Opening her eyes, she found You gritting her teeth and rubbing her temple. The magic from their trip dissipated, and apprehension filled Riko’s heart again.

“Headache again?” She murmured as if not to startle her girlfriend. As she reached for You’s head, her hand was gently but firmly pushed away as the latter sat up. “You-chan?”

“Haha, I probably didn’t have enough caffeine today.”

You only drank coffee from time to time, so this couldn’t be the reason. Riko knew she would be rather busy once she returned to Tokyo tomorrow, as this one-week vacation barely got approved

It was now or never.

“How frequent are your headaches, You-chan?”

Riko caught You flinching even though the latter laughed it off. “Must be the summer heat and all. It’s only recently that it’s happened, like I told you before. Now that we’re back here at Kamakura, it’ll go away eventually.”

Faced with such an earnest and almost pleading expression, Riko so wanted to believe her words and just let it be. She wasn’t the type to push someone if they showed discontent and she tended to shy away from any confrontation. For the sake You’s health, however, she knew that she needed to get to the bottom of this.

“Is.. there something you’re not telling me, You-chan?”

Blue eyes hardened. “What makes you think that?”

Gulping, Riko realized her wording didn’t sound good and fought against her instincts to back down. “Y-You seem to avoid talking about it, which I u-understand to an extent but, I’m just worried.”

The tension deflated from You’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, Riko-chan. I know you mean good but can we please just drop it?

And Riko almost agreed then and there. Almost. “Maybe you should go see a doctor-”

“No!”

She cringed, dumbfounded by such a hostile tone from someone who had been nothing but easygoing. She was about to apologize when You grimaced and covered her eyes. Determined, she reached for You’s hand.

“See, You-chan, we should go-”

Her hand was practically slapped away. “I already said no! T-This will pass, I promise. Just, s-stop, okay?”

It was You’s desperate, almost frantic tone that made Riko freeze in place. She wanted to stop, seeing how much this conversation pained her girlfriend, yet a part of her was frustrated and even a bit resentful. Didn’t You trust her enough? Was she not dependable? She didn’t want to invade You’s privacy. She was only trying to help, especially since she turned a blind eye to this problem during the vacation. The way You reacted just meant there must be something she was hiding.

Riko thought she knew You, but she didn’t, and that hurt more than she allowed herself to admit.

Taking a deep, controlled breath, Riko began slowly and attempted to reach for the other woman again. “I’m sorry, You-chan, but I really believe that you should-”

“How many times do I have to say it? No means no! Why don’t you just leave me alone?”

Akin to a cornered animal, You glared at her with distress rolling off her in waves. Stunned and hurt, Riko could only recall all those instances where her friends turned her down and brushed away her attempts at trying. Any smidgen of bitterness was washed away by a hollow sensation of fear and rejection.

Scared of making it worse.

Scared of losing everything.

How she wanted to simply pull You into a hug and protect her somehow, but she was too scared. Her arm dropped limply to her side and she turned away, unable to look at You anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered so quietly that she wasn’t sure if You heard her. When she heard no response, she bit her lips to ensure no sobs would escape as she left the now cold home.

Riko discovered heartbreak to be just as devastating as when the illusion of fairytales ended.

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“I’m bakayou…”

You chuckled wistfully to herself, shivering a little from the breezy night air. She was only wearing a shirt and capri pants when usually, she would have added a few more layers due to her weakness to the coldness at night. Summer or not, she felt so dead inside because she couldn’t bring herself to care, not anymore.

She aimlessly strolled through the Kamakura Central Park, finding the rays from the setting sun comforting within this labyrinth of memories. Everywhere she looked, she was reminded of her time here with Riko. The ache in her chest worsened and she rubbed her throbbing temples.

Regret at lashing out at her.

Even in that moment of emotional turmoil, You knew that Riko was simply concerned about her well-being. She never told the violist the reason she retired from diving, so how else would she have known?

Alas, You was merely human and succumbed to her fear. She had awful experiences with her former teammates from the swim team, even her coach, whenever she tried sharing her thoughts and feelings about her surgery and everything that happened afterwards. Since then, she tended to keep her emotions bottled up inside, deeming it pointless for she would just get invalidated or ridiculed anyway.

She was terrified of the same thing happening with Riko, but ended up shutting her out and ruining everything anyway.

“And I hurt her...”

She dug into her pocket for her phone, deliberating for the umpteenth time whether to call Riko or not. They hadn’t contacted each other since that episode and, while it hadn’t even been a week yet, You already felt like dying. She was unable to compose a decent text message and she always seized up whenever she attempted to call Riko.

Riko could be busy catching up, as the orchestra had an upcoming performance, or she no longer wanted anything to do with the person who was so vicious to her.

You swallowed painfully. She knew she must take the first step if she wanted to make this right. Dignity or pride be damned, this was her fault after all. Her legs soon brought her to the tree where they first kissed, for she hoped to be emboldened by their memories so she could finally make that dreaded phone call.

To her shock, the woman of her dreams was there too. Riko appeared to be deep in thoughts as she gazed at the tree, and flinched when she noticed You’s arrival. The consequent silence was unfamiliar to them, and so was the tension.

You dug through her useless brain for some sort of greeting while her eyes were trained on Riko’s form, afraid she might vanish if she blinked. What was she doing here, when she should be in Tokyo? Did she seem thinner? Has she been sleeping properly?

Before she could even open her mouth, Riko broke the silence in a timid tone, asking her the exact same things she just wondered. You was dumbfounded, for she did not expect her girlfriend to still care about her after what happened. Perhaps it was time to take the leap of faith. There was nothing wrong with exposing the vulnerable part of herself, not with someone who truly loved her.

She needed to face her own demons.

Since You didn’t respond, Riko lowered her eyes and excused herself. You snapped out of her daze and hurriedly closed their distance. Her hand closed around Riko’s wrist, tightly at first to ensure the latter would not leave, and carefully loosened her grip when she turned around.

“I missed you.” You blurted, embarrassed by how pitiful her voice sounded.

Several thunderous heartbeats later, Riko gave her a fragile smile and gingerly interlaced their fingers. “I missed you too.”

Relieved, You squeezed her hand and murmured. “There are many things I want to tell you, Riko-chan. Will you… listen to me?”

The taller woman nodded and led them towards the tree, where they sat down and leaned against the sturdy trunk. If it weren’t for the palpable tension and the darkening sky, it almost felt like their first date. You smiled wryly and drew strength from Riko’s warm hand.

She clumsily but full-heartedly apologized for her outburst first and, upon Riko’s acceptance, she began her story. It was nothing dramatic, at least not from her perspective, for it could have happened to anybody in her situation.

Due to her deteriorating eyesight, she took a break from diving and underwent a seemingly successful surgery. While she suffered darkness for a few weeks before she was able to take off her bandages, she was confident to return to what she loved doing without any aftermath.

Alas, she wasn’t as invincible as she believed herself to be. A terrible fear seized her every time she stood at the edge of the diving board. She could not pinpoint the exact reason, but the possibilities of having to return to the hospital or undergoing another operation and possible bout of darkness petrified her. As much as she yearned to relish in the triumph of a high jump again, the fear always rendered her immobile. Being the stubborn person she was, she ignored her doctor’s advice and kept trying, enduring the ridicule and even pity from any spectator.

Any attempt ended with her walking away from the plank in shame.

The last time she got anywhere near a swimming pool, she forced herself to make that jump in spite of her rigid muscles. Such reckless maneuver had only caused her to become hospitalized again.

“My doctor and psychiatrist suggested that I go travelling, to take the time off indefinitely to relax, and maybe discover what else I enjoy in life other than diving,” You weakly smiled at her speechless girlfriend. “That’s when I met you, Riko-chan.”

She determinedly ignored the prickling pain in her head and continued. “Those headaches are probably from stress, unwanted memories, or aftereffects of the surgery. I thought my… fear was only associated with diving, so I was surprised that it happened during and after our swimming trips in Uchiura. Perhaps it wasn’t from swimming but from guilt. My friends there and my family know all about my dream since I was little, so I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that I can’t dive anymore. I’ve lied to them that I’ve fully recovered. No one knew my full secret, until now.”

Riko tightened her grip on You’s hand. “These headaches, are they serious? Shouldn’t you return for check up...” She trailed off uncertainly, as if remembered what happened the last time she suggested that.

You gave her a small and reassuring smile. “Well, I am supposed to return for check ups, yes. I was told that it might be necessary for me to have another surgery-” She gingerly stopped Riko before she could freak out. “But I didn’t want to. And that was why I snapped at you. Again, I’m so sorry.”

Riko shook her head, her quiet voice still laced in concern. “It’s okay, now that I understand, You-chan. I’m just glad y-you’ve opened up to me.”

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Riko-chan. I was so scared of losing you that I didn’t want anything to ruin it… which I almost did by shutting you out. It’s not fair for me to do that. It’s not my place to decide for you. So, yeah,” You looked up into the sky, weary yet also felt like a weight had finally lifted off of her shoulders. “I-I’ve told you everything now.”

It’s up to you to decide if you still want to stay with someone as pathetic as me. You thought sadly.

“Remember what you’ve told me, You-chan?” Familiar scent filled her senses as Riko wrapped her arms around her. “You like how confident and happy I am whenever I play the viola. It’ll always be true - it’s thanks to you that I’m able to hold my head high and believe in myself. You’ve brought colors to my life.”

It took a moment for You to realize that Riko was crying.

“My bandmates or even other colleagues I’m not familiar with commented that I seem like a different person. They said I look happy, confident, and perhaps even shining,” she let out a choked chuckle. “See how positively you’ve affected me, You-chan? They noticed my change so acutely that they encouraged me to return here, to resolve whatever has been troubling me. I can’t play the viola properly, not without you.”

Tears silently trickled down You’s cheeks as she returned the embrace  just as emotionally.

“You’ve become my world, You-chan. I w-want to be part of yours too, the good and the bad. We’ll get through this together, okay?”

She clung onto the woman who meant the world to her too. “I love you Riko-chan, I love you so much.”

You learned that she could not do everything alone, that she must believe in the power of their love if they wanted to persevere and overcome the trials in their path, just like the obstacles in fairytales.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

“You’ve reached Watanabe You’s voicemail~! Please leave your name and your number after the tone and I’ll get back to ya asap! Ready? Yousorou~! -beep-”

“... the performance was well-received. Our conductor and concertmaster were commended by the critiques, but for some reason they deferred the spotlight to me. Can you believe it? A mere violist like me, and out of ten violists too. I wish you could’ve been there to tell me how I did, then again, you would just praise me, wouldn’t you?”

Riko paused and swallowed any tremors in her voice before continuing in a relatively cheerful tone. “Anyway, our orchestra has been invited for a performance overseas and… I’ve decided to participate. Our leader has been kind, being aware of my situation, and told me that I could stay and continue my kokyuu studies if I wish. But that’s not what I’ve promised you, ne, You-chan?”

The jarring beep callously cut her off, signifying the end of the voicemail. She stared at the black screen of her phone for a moment and decided to put it away instead of continuing with her voicemail.

“I promised you that I’d put my life before yours, that you’d live vicariously through mine, and that’s what I’m going to do.”

She smiled painfully at the prone figure on the bed, lulled by the stable beeping of the heart monitor as she played with her beloved’s cool hand. You has always had a lower body temperature, so she hoped that she could warm her up this way.

And perhaps, that would help You wake up.

Sighing, Riko closed her eyes and rested her cheek against You’s unmoving hand. The operation was successful in removing the blood clots in You’s brain, and the surgeon seemed confident that she would make a full recovery too.

But that had been two weeks ago and You was still in a coma.

After their heart to heart conversation, Riko accompanied You to all the sessions she had with her doctor. While the process had been difficult and arguments did spark, they were always able to reach a truce. When the blood clots were discovered, You and Riko had a long discussion  and ultimately decided to take the surgery.

You made Riko promise to continue on with living to her fullest no matter what happened.

Between her job and visiting the comatose woman in the hospital, Riko was exhausted but more determined than ever, strengthened by the torturous waiting and wondering. Her section leader and other colleagues were aware of this and gave her the space she needed, which she was very grateful for. Now that the concert was over, she had to decide whether to stay or go overseas.

Of course she would rather stay here with You, but she also respected You’s wish and the agreement they had. It wasn’t as if her trip abroad was permanent, and she had become acquainted with You’s childhood friends, who would keep her updated of You’s progress.

Nevertheless, she still wanted to be by You’s side when the latter regained consciousness.

Tirelessly, she left voicemails entailing her daily happenings, as if those messages would reach the comatose woman. It was the only way she could hear You’s voice, hoping to arrive at a decision through that familiar, energetic voice.

“Remember how we first met? You waited for me that day at the cafe, when you didn’t have to. So this is nothing, You-chan, I’ll always wait for you. I’m only gone temporarily - I’ll be back before you know it.”

Riko bit her lips when she realized she had subconsciously repeated the exact words You said before she entered the surgery room.

“I’ll be back before you know it! Then, we’ll go sailing on a proper boat since we couldn’t do it the last time we were at Uchiura. Look forward to it!”

“Yeah, you jerk, I really am looking forward to it so you better hurry up and take me there,” Riko choked from the memory and fell silent. She glanced at the open sketchbook on the bedside table, smiling nostalgically at her girlfriend’s characteristic style.

“There are so much of your world that you haven’t shown me yet, just as how I still haven’t shown you mine. So, please, wake up?”

Like the countless times in the past two weeks, her plea fell upon deaf ears. Overcome by emotions, she leaned close and gave You a soft kiss upon her forehead.

When she settled back down at her seat, she noticed odd spikes and waves from the heart monitor and EEG monitor. Taken aback, she immediately turned her attention back to You, whose eyes slowly opened and blinked.

Those blue orbs were just as brilliant and beautiful as she remembered. Though filled with confusion, there was a flicker of recognition in You’s gaze. She hastily reached for the emergency button but she never once broke eye contact.

‘Thank you for waiting for me’, You’s eyes seemed to say.

Riko learned that miracles truly can happen, just as how fairytales illustrated them.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

“The Sagami Bay sure is pretty…”

You hummed thoughtfully as she sketched out the scenery, adding as many boats around the bay as she pleased. She may have doodled a submarine and a pirate ship too, though she probably would have to discard them in the final draft. With the peaceful ambience at White Lily, the comfortable couch by the window and the soothing aroma of coffee, she was able to churn out pages and pages for her storybook.

Ah yes, she wrote and illustrated for children’s books nowadays. Should she tell the cafe shop owner that she worked as a freelance illustrator and designer now?

Blue eyes glanced at her reflection on the glass, noting her casual attire and her trademark cap. She dressed the same way as when she first came to Kamakura, didn’t she? Well, her messy hair was long enough that she had to tie it into a tuff of a low ponytail, and she had her black-framed glasses on.

Things had definitely changed, for the better too.

Chuckling, she placed the sketchbook onto the table and dug out another one from her backpack. It was slightly worn around the edges and the pages were crinkly as opposed to the crisp texture of unused paper. She whimsically flipped through the sketchbook, giggling at the various versions of Sakurauchi Riko, the different angles of the sceneries at the park, statues with contemporary accessories, and even drawings of the sea and shrines in Uchiura.

So many memories, each priceless and romantic, filled this simple sketchbook over the years.

Smiling, she turned her attention back to the incomplete one, her thumb fondly brushing over the title she inscribed onto the cover. You & Riko - a Modern Fairytale.

She couldn’t wait to finish this particular storybook and show it to her beloved.

The phone vibrated inside her pocket, pulling her out of her nostalgic trance. Her heart pounded with excitement as she eagerly answered the call.

“Ohayousorou!”

“Mou, You-chan, it’s already the afternoon…”

“It can be the morning whenever you want, Riko-chan, you just have to make it!”

The familiar giggle was like music to her ears. “Are you implying that you want some sandwiches for brunch later?”

“Maybe? It’s been so long since I’ve had them, I’m so jealous of your bandmates!”

“You do know that I’ve only ever made them for you?”

“Oh right,” You pulled down her cap in slight embarrassment even though Riko couldn’t see her reddened ears. “Wait, you said brunch later… you’re already at the airport? I thought you’re not coming back until later the night?”

“Silly You-chan, I’m not at the airport.”

The door chimed and instinctively, You stood up to greet the newcomer who had warm amber eyes, lustrous burgundy hair and the beautiful smile she loved so much. Though appearing sheepish, Riko radiated with sheer joy too.

“Surprise-?”

You closed their distance in a few quick steps, pulling the startled woman in a big hug and spun her around. They laughed and interlaced their fingers, the rings on their fourth fingers gleaming beautifully under the sun.

A gentle breeze brushed against the open storybook on the table, flipping it to a page with an illustration that matched the two women’s silhouettes, and a small passage scribbled beneath it.

Even if you think you’re a damsel in distress, a princess waiting for the prince to rescue you from your tower, you can still be someone else’s knight in shiny armor.

You meet someone, get to know them, experience the butterfly flutters as well as heated desires, overcome obstacles and resolve problems together. While not everything is as perfect as fairytales of storybooks, a happy ending is indeed possible.

Does that not count as a fairytale in its own right?

[vhaven93-blog]

A Postcard to Neo

A POSTCARD TO NEO: AN INTEGRAL SPIN ON THE MATRIX

By Daniel Allen Kelley

At the risk of employing a tired cliche, when an insight spots my antenna and zaps me, it usually comes with a memo attached to it. In this case, the memo gave explicit instructions to use the Matrix as a metaphor while unpacking the insight itself.

So hop aboard the Nebuchadnezzar and let's hear what the Oracle has to say.

WELCOME TO THE DESERT OF THE REAL: A MAP OF THE MATRIX

I was roughly ten years old when I first sat down to analyze this carnival we call LIFE. I recall walking down a sidewalk near the projects in which I lived thinking, “If my eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and skin are just windows through which the world ‘out there’ streams into my world ‘in here’, how can I be certain that anything or anyone is real?”

Okay, I didn't word it exactly that way, but that was the general query.

I recall looking up at the blue canopy of sky and thinking, “That has no end. That is eternal.” I tried so hard to feel, to understand this endlessness; but I only succeeded in feeling quite small and insignificant. My contemplative walk eventually led me to a nearby cemetery. The place was old, and I was inexplicably drawn to it. This particular cemetery is located in Chicopee Massachusetts, off of Broadway. Broadway is a main road, home to a constant stream of cars. Consequently, it was difficult to sneak into this old cemetery without being spotted. Even more difficult to hide once you're in.

As I approached the old iron gate, I noticed that it was loosely secured by a chain and padlock. The new steel of the chain gleamed and stood out in sharp contrast to the ancient iron rods of the spiked gate, which was of a greenish hue. The oleander wrapped covetously around the iron bars of the gate, hugging all but the sharp spikes at the top of each rod. Luckily, I was just the right amount of skinny to squeeze through the narrow opening and, ironically, just the right amount of pale to walk among the tombs.

I quickly spotted an old crabapple tree and hid behind the far side of its trunk, away from the eyes of passersby. After I felt comfortable enough to do so, I wandered among the gravestones, reading the epitaphs, most of which had been partially reclaimed by nature. To my astonishment, some were written in Old English and dated back to the late 1600s! I quietly marveled at the specter of mortality and, after about twenty minutes or so, I returned home.

As soon as I walked through the front door, I told my mother about my conundrum: how can I be sure that anything or anyone else is real if my five senses interpret reality much like a dream?”

My mother, not knowing the full implications of what I was asking, replied “That sounds like a very self-centered way of looking at the world.” Looking back on it now, I can understand why she took it that way. I can also now tell, in retrospect, why I asked the question to begin with.

At the time, I had already begun to have spontaneous Out of Body Experiences and Lucid Dreams. As my mother recently explained in the forthcoming documentary, “My Worst Nightmare”, in which she shares my story, which is then reenacted by actors and CGI, these nocturnal experiences were anything but desirable in those days. I had minimal control over how they played out. As a result, my Lucid Dreams and Astral Projections made me WEAKER in the environment I lived in. They made me a social pariah, to begin with, and they made concentrating in school nearly impossible. The upside to this lack of control was that the forces that were making themselves known could do so without my interfering. Consequently, they revealed themselves FULLY.

By age fourteen, I was finally tested in a sleep clinic. But they found no abnormalities in my brainwaves. But they only tested me once, and did so only while I slept during the day. In other words, they kept me awake all night so that I'd fall asleep during testing the following day. Looking back, it would've been interesting to see what they'd find were they to test me while I was awake. My theory is that they would've seen a consistent DELTA pattern there while I was awake. Of course, it would've been mixed in with BETA, and so on; but DELTA would spike frequently even while I was engaged in, say, solving a math problem. I say this because I now know what it feels like to be in the DELTA state while remaining alert. And that feeling was very constant while I was wide awake in those days.

My reason for bringing this up is that the very same thing that made me less functional as a child eventually became a source of creativity, strength, and therapy as an adult. This, to be sure, is nothing short of a miracle.

But what is a “miracle”, exactly? Let's plug ourselves into the Matrix and see if we might have a word with the Architect.

THE LAY OF THE LAND

The cosmos, it has been said, consists of four quadrants. The upper left quadrant represents the SUBJECTIVE, the upper right represents the OBJECTIVE, the lower left represents the CULTURAL, and the lower right represents the TECHNO-ECONOMICAL.

In other words, the four quadrants are the interiors and exteriors of the individual and the collective. They represent a map of the I, WE, and IT domains. They are inseparable from each other. They depend on each other. And any extreme bias toward or against any one of these quadrants represents a virus in the body politic. The Matrix is a reductionism to, and a collapse of, all the other quadrants to the upper and lower right quadrants. It is a deliberate attempt to reduce all “I” and “We” to nothing but an “It”. Therefore, in the Matrix, you're nothing but a program. You're a cog in the machinery of of a vast network of programs, the lot of which are only as valuable as they are useful.

Your worth is predicated on your utilitarian value.

In a sense, at least when viewed on paper, this reductionism makes sense. After all, if you can't be put to some good use, then what longterm contribution are you making? In order to coexist and thrive, we need to come up with some kind of agreement with regards to how we should conduct ourselves. Not only that, we need a viable system of economy, and a hierarchy of competence with which to guage how and where people can work to keep that economy functioning. And it flies in the face of what we call common sense to suggest a system that lacks consistency. The more predictable the better! Otherwise the Behemoth of Chaos will come in the guise of unforeseen variables, and Dis Pater will belch his flames at the structure of society from below.

So we have love in the service of the State. Art in the service of the Church. Science in the service of decadence. All are either servants of, creations of, or responses to, the Matrix itself. You are given status based solely upon your extrinsic value, and this intrinsic value is conflated with your intrinsic value. In the Matrix, these are one and the same thing!

But miracles happen!

ANATOMY OF A MIRACLE

The problem with creating a system that collapses INTRINSIC worth into EXTRINSIC value is that it leaves no room for surprise. For those who remain locked into the Matrix, surprise is the enemy. That novelty, though, appears to be the very telos of the evolutionary pulse itself. Greatness often manifests in places you'd least expect it to, and a systemic reductionism of the value spheres leaves no room for that fact. The only changes allowed by the Matrix are those that are necessary to keep it from transforming at its root. In one sense, this may be wise. But in another sense, this is detrimental. Truth to tell, you may sense that the Matrix is corrupt or, at the very least, tragically limited in scope and vision. But seeing WHY something doesn't work isn't as valuable as KNOWING what to replace it with. If you shatter the Matrix, without replacing it with a more viable system, you may find that you've loosened the bonds of inmates for whom the order and routine of prison-life was all that stood between your throat and their dagger! At the very least, you've left humanity in a vacuum. You've left them at the mercy of Chronzon, that is to say, of Chaos.

But without Mr. Smith there can be no Neo!

Many people get tripped up on this paradox. If there was no Adam, there could be no Christ. If there was no Eve, there could be no Virgin Mary. What good would the enlightenment of the Buddha be were it not for the temptations of Mara?

So what we need are more great men and women. And we need to ask ourselves a serious question, one that compels a good number of idiots to swing to the extremes of the far Left or Right (politically). It's a question that compels those with a bipartisan worldview to retreat into their preferred ideology.

From what stock can we draw a consistent crop of great men and women?

This question is of such paramount importance that any attempt at sugarcoating the answer makes you complicit in the crime of this pandemic MODERATE ideology sweeping the Western world.

Well, first, what makes a person truly GREAT? Is it their level of competence? That's certainly important, but NO. After all, there are geniuses that never apply their gifts to a longterm solution to things like inequality (of opportunity, not outcome), extreme poverty, lack of education, and so forth. I can't prove it, but I suspect that seminal geniuses make up roughly the same percentage of the world's population as the seminal Forest Gumps of the world. I use “seminal” here in the sense of taking a unique capacity and spreading it out onto the globe. That is to say, taking one's INTRINSIC worth and using it as EXTRINSIC value, but in a manner so unorthodox and unpredictable that it's, well, it's nothing short of a miracle.

Let's imagine, for example, that there are a dozen geniuses toiling away on coming up with a way to generate existential meaning in a test tube. These geniuses were culled from the upper classes of their respective societies, as you might expect of those of good breeding and limitless opportunities. While these geniuses are working in their labs, there's one man with, say, Down's Syndrome, touring the world with his astonishing life-story. Let's imagine that his journey began with a small memoir of his plight written by his sister. This becomes a bestseller. Eventually, this man becomes a motivational speaker and positively effects the lives of millions of people. Perhaps some of these people will become the geniuses working in a lab to find a cure for cancer. What does this mean?

It means that GREATNESS emerged from the least-expected place. This formula is ensconced in the innumerable myths and fables about the so-called “Fool's Journey”. To this very day, this formula remains the most surefire archetypal theme for selling books and making movies.

Why?

Because sometimes the role of Neo isn't played by a Keeanu Reeves. Sometimes that role is played by a Pee Wee Herman! Christ was an illiterate peasant, for Christ's sake! In terms of contemporary stories, Frodo Baggins was a redneck hobbit. Dorothy Gale was a fragile little girl from Kansas. Bastian Bux was a shy and reticent dreamer eschewed by his schoolmates. And so on.

What about you? Are you the hero in the story of your life? When you look inside yourself, do you feel your own intrinsic worth? Have you figured out a way to share it with the world, increasing your extrinsic value in a manner that fills in the gaps left by the current system?

If you do decide to take the Red Pill, perhaps we'll meet behind that old crabapple tree. There, we'll stand amidst the tombs of those who lived and died without ever discovering their own miracle. We'll look into the windows of each other's eyes and perhaps we won't feel so alone anymore. And maybe, just maybe, we'll stand as one in the middle of that Matrix, aware of the “I” and the “WE”. Armed with that unflinching Eye, we'll lift our gaze toward the endless dome of heaven and see God's own finger reach down as a bolt of lightning. Will it burst the chains on the cemetery's iron gate? Will the dead rise up and walk through it?

Will we?

[sarahburness]

Why I Chose Authenticity Over Fitting In or Standing Out

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” ~EE Cummings

For many years I felt like a fish out of water, but I desperately wanted to belong in the pond. I grew up wanting to be ‘normal,’ to fit in and be like everyone else. As a result, I was not in touch with who I was because I didn’t think there was another choice.

The blueprint was clear: find a man, settle down, and prepare for a family. Do the career you’ve trained all your life for and climb the ladder because more (status, money, etc.) is always better than less. Buy things because they’ll make you happy. Be busy because this is a sign of success— even if it means you’re stressed and on the verge of a breakdown.

So I did all those things and it didn’t make me happy, and for many years I denied the things that would. I wanted to feel important and successful, so for many years I put off my dream jobs—writing, yoga, and new age hobbies.

I didn’t want to be the only gay in the village, so I denied my sexuality.

I was desperate to shed all these false goals and the materials things I’d collected, which weighed me down.

We are inherently people pleasers, so we want to fit in—to not rock the boat. But we also want to be successful and be noticed—try to stand out.

It’s a competing paradigm that tests our authenticity and takes us further away from who we are with this pressure to be something else. Whether we deny ourselves to fit in or push ourselves to stand out, we’re having to be someone else, and that’s exhausting.

This was certainly true for me, and I tried both!

Scared of being different, I adopted other people's styles and opinions and shaped my life to look like everyone else’s—the job I had, the people I hung out with, and the hobbies I pursued. It didn’t make me happy. In fact, it was an exhausting act in a play that didn’t feel like my life at all.

When I got older, I began to feel pressure in the other direction—to get noticed, to stand out.

When I started dating there was a pressure to dress up to be noticed and get picked; similarly, at school there was a pressure to try to be top of the class, be noticed, get picked for the team.

As I climbed the career ladder I felt the pressure to stand out again—to be more extroverted despite my introvert tendencies, to speak up, be the hard-nosed business woman, to chase down the big promotions and be noticed by the bosses, to be picked again.

Two pressures in opposing directions, but the same results. None of it was me, and both related to my need to please people, conforming and doing what I thought I should, not what was deep in my heart. Hell, I hadn’t even known what that was given how little attention I’d paid to it over the years.

It can be our people pleasing tendencies that compel us to conform or try to stand out, but our fear of failure is also a huge contributing factor. We don’t want to fall short of society’s ideals, not be like everyone else, not make our parents proud, or not fit the mold for ‘success.’ We don’t want to be left on the shelf or be seen as different, undesirable, or unsuccessful.

I spent my life doing what I felt I should, what those around me did, what felt ‘normal’ even when it didn’t feel right, even when it disconnected me further and further away from myself. It was only when I felt burnt out and exhausted from a lifetime of acting and feeling desperately unhappy that I thought things must change.

I wanted to be me and find others who were themselves, but I also needed to find out who that ‘me’ was.

My resulting action was quite drastic: I quit my corporate career, left my relationship of seven years, and traveled around the world in search of answers. I felt a need to get away from this place I didn’t belong in and wipe the slate clean to rebuild my life in accordance with who I really was.

A trip around the world isn’t a prerequisite for embracing your authenticity; it’s actually much simpler.

Ask yourself what you used to dream about as a kid, what is it that you admire most about others, what legacy do you want to leave the world, and what are your values? What do you love to do, and do you currently make time for these things?

Take a moment to consider what your strengths are and get clear on your values. It also helps to seek out like-minded people. Not only do we feel at ease with them, they help us grow and flourish in accordance with our true selves.

This need to fit in or stand out can show up in many ways: sending your child to a certain school because it reflects on your status as a family. Taking over the family business because you want to make parents proud. Driving a certain car that reflects your importance and status as a human. Wearing the right clothes because they are ‘in fashion’ and are what everyone around you is buying.

There is another way, and it involves listening to your heart, not what others say. Following your own dreams, not those society prescribes. Knowing who you are and being in touch with that. Making decisions based on your values and the legacy you want to leave. Rediscovering what matters to you not what you feel you ‘should’ be doing. Ensuring you prioritize your time based on your true priorities—the ones that make your heart sing.

About Jess Stuart

After a successful career in the corporate HR world Jess decided to follow her passion in Health and Wellness as a coach, speaker, and author. A qualified yoga instructor who has trained in Buddhist meditation and mindfulness, living and working in many countries Jess draws her life experience into her work to share the principles of health and happiness.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-i-chose-authenticity-over-fitting-in-or-standing-out/

[cynthiabryanuk]

You Just Choose Musings on the Religions of Thailand and the NFL

Wat Hup Ta Khrot temple left an indelible mark on my psyche. Not only because it was the first major temple complex we visited in Thailand, but it also introduced me to Thai polytheism. The idea that different gods and even religions could be worshiped together, side by side in peace and harmony simultaneously baffled and inspired me with their freedom to choose.

The freedom of choice isn’t limited to this one temple or time, it’s present in all of Thai culture and history. For example, the Unesco World Heritage site of Sukhothai has over 193 temples excavated and restored. These temples have Hindu and Buddhist beliefs living side by side. Choosing, one or many gods to follow is available from the lowest peasant to the king himself. In the ancient capital Ayutthaya, a popular attraction and UNESCO World Heritage Site, the kings demonstrated Hindu, Buddhist, and local spiritual belief simultaneously. Ayutthaya was named after the Ayodhya, the city in India that is the birthplace of the Hindu god Rama. The Ayutthayan kings were named after incarnations of Hindu gods like Vishnu or Rama, but they were also considered Bodhisattva. Even the ancient kings could be both Hindu gods and still quest to become Buddha.

My narrow-minded Western brain had a hard time handling the dichotomy of choice. I thought Game of Thrones taught me everything I needed to know about polytheism. In the show, the kingdoms of the realm worshiped different gods. When strangers enter the land, the kings would chop their heads off and burn them at the stake. This was nothing like Thailand. There we found something completely different, delightful and accepting. There was freedom to choose, not choose, or even choose everything. That day in the temple complex changed me. We walked by enchanted logs that Thai spiritualists believed housed wood spirits. The believers left ribbons and flowers as an offering to the spirits who lived there. The temple courtyard overflowed with statues of Hindu gods and famous Buddhist monks, each with their own alms box in front. There was even an altar for Rahu who was, in fact, a demon that Vishnu cut in half for drinking the milk of life but, due to the milk’s power, his head and torso were immortal. Not to be outdone, the temple shop sold amulets believed to have magical powers. Literally, this was one stop shopping for all religions in Thailand. My first thought was amazement at all of these different gods, demons, spirits, monks and even religions living side by side. My second was – how do you choose? I asked our guide – Tick- who replied: “You just choose”.

You just choose… What a liberating concept. Then Tick continued – “It doesn’t matter which god you worship because it’s always the same thing. You offer a gift, ask for a favor in return for a promise, and then fulfill your promise.” I struggled to understand how this could be so simple and universal. I tested Tick’s theory with the one Christian God I grew up with. After all, they are all the same, right? Instead of a donation box in front of each idol, we passed a collection plate in church so there was an offering. Also, in Christianity, there is a long tradition of asking for favors from God. Jesus said in Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, all things whatever you pray and ask for, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them.” Did we have to make additional offerings in our prayers to God? In Catholicism, your priest might suggest contrition as part of the confession, usually involving some number of hail marys. In all cases, humility and belief are part of the prayer ritual. I was beginning to see what Tick is saying.

I had more western memories to draw from. After my Christian upbringing, I branched into enlightened spiritualism during my college years. Did I have a prayer ritual there too? Did I follow the same patterns without any gods? I would set my intention and visualize that intention coming true. Sometimes I would use meditation mantras or intention boards to voice these wishes to the world. Is this like banging a gong at a temple to release your prayers to the world? Maybe there is a pattern here. Maybe Tick is right, maybe you can just choose, but how would a typical Thai person choose their god? I can’t speak for all of Thailand, but I got to know Tick well during our time with him. Tick operated on many levels. On one hand, he had a high respect for traditional Thai cultures and beliefs. For example, he became a Buddhist monk to please his mother. True, his monkhood only lasted one month, he wasn’t a fan of sleeping on the floor or eating bland food, yet even a month of monkhood made his mother very proud. Tick also loved western culture. As a teen, he had a pair of designer Harley Davidson jeans from the US that was very expensive and hard to get. He got in a minor motorcycle accident. He was bleeding and needed stitches but he knew the first thing the paramedics would do would be to cut off his jeans. Instead, he chose to skip the hospital and save those jeans. For the next month, he cleaned and bandaged wounds at home, but his designer jeans were safe.

His particular combination of east and west, new and old, gave me another way to understand the freedom of choice. I noticed Tick’s bike jersey he was wearing at the temple. It was a custom-made 49er fan art for Joe Montana saying “Bring him home”. How did a Thai guide, who has never been to America, just choose Joe Montana and the 49ers? At first, I thought there was a deep, philosophical and football explanation relating to the history of the West Coast Offense. Before Bill Walsh and the 49ers, football was a one on one battle of individual superheroes like Lynn Swann, Franco Harris or Mean Joe Green. They used their physical dominance to win individual battles and sway the course of a game with one immaculate reception. Walsh, Montana and the 49ers changed all of that. Montana would throw to a spot determined by a weakness in the opposing defense. His receivers, like Jerry Rice, would have to see the same weakness and choose to run to the right spot. It was the system that broke down opposing defenses and when it worked it was unstoppable. The collective teamwork, planning and coordination of the all the pieces led to victory and not an individual battle won or lost I drew an immediate analogy to Thailand culture and how the collective work and cooperation of the country would bring success and happiness. I was wrong. Tick said Joe Montana looked good and won a lot of football games and that was why he liked him. It was simple, sweet, profound, and got me thinking.

Maybe Thai people picked their gods like we pick our football teams. Sometimes a team or god is on a winning streak and the fans take notice. Other times, they are just your hometown favorites that you grew up with. Every temple we passed in Thailand had a statue of a famous local monk that had made a name for himself for the local worshipers. Other times, you might just like Joe Montana’s blue eyes or Vishnu’s blue skin for pure aesthetics. There is probably a reason why NFL teams work so hard on their logos and Hindu gods are so colorful. More and more in this world, it seems like there is a tendency to judge people for their personal choices. Perhaps it doesn’t matter which god you pray to or football team you root for. Since, for all intents and purpose, they are the same. There is no reason to not enjoy the pageantry of the NFL or the splendor of an exotic temple, even if it isn’t your team playing or the gods you believe in. Accepting the freedom to choose gives a traveler the ability to enjoy the new and unique without judgment or prejudice, and at the end of the day, isn’t freedom of choice what it’s all about?

This post was written for Everything Everywhere by Ed and Jennifer Coleman of Coleman Concierge.

Source: http://tz2d.me/?c=cy

from http://taxi.nearme.host/you-just-choose-musings-on-the-religions-of-thailand-and-the-nfl-3/

from NOVACAB - Blog http://novacabtaxi.weebly.com/blog/you-just-choose-musings-on-the-religions-of-thailand-and-the-nfl8788121

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You Just Choose – Musings on the Religions of Thailand and the NFL

Wat Hup Ta Khrot temple left an indelible mark on my psyche. Not only because it was the first major temple complex we visited in Thailand, but it also introduced me to Thai polytheism. The idea that different gods and even religions could be worshiped together, side by side in peace and harmony simultaneously baffled and inspired me with their freedom to choose.

The freedom of choice isn’t limited to this one temple or time, it’s present in all of Thai culture and history. For example, the Unesco World Heritage site of Sukhothai has over 193 temples excavated and restored. These temples have Hindu and Buddhist beliefs living side by side. Choosing, one or many gods to follow is available from the lowest peasant to the king himself. In the ancient capital Ayutthaya, a popular attraction and UNESCO World Heritage Site, the kings demonstrated Hindu, Buddhist, and local spiritual belief simultaneously. Ayutthaya was named after the Ayodhya, the city in India that is the birthplace of the Hindu god Rama. The Ayutthayan kings were named after incarnations of Hindu gods like Vishnu or Rama, but they were also considered Bodhisattva. Even the ancient kings could be both Hindu gods and still quest to become Buddha.

My narrow-minded Western brain had a hard time handling the dichotomy of choice. I thought Game of Thrones taught me everything I needed to know about polytheism. In the show, the kingdoms of the realm worshiped different gods. When strangers enter the land, the kings would chop their heads off and burn them at the stake. This was nothing like Thailand. There we found something completely different, delightful and accepting. There was freedom to choose, not choose, or even choose everything. That day in the temple complex changed me. We walked by enchanted logs that Thai spiritualists believed housed wood spirits. The believers left ribbons and flowers as an offering to the spirits who lived there. The temple courtyard overflowed with statues of Hindu gods and famous Buddhist monks, each with their own alms box in front. There was even an altar for Rahu who was, in fact, a demon that Vishnu cut in half for drinking the milk of life but, due to the milk’s power, his head and torso were immortal. Not to be outdone, the temple shop sold amulets believed to have magical powers. Literally, this was one stop shopping for all religions in Thailand. My first thought was amazement at all of these different gods, demons, spirits, monks and even religions living side by side. My second was – how do you choose? I asked our guide – Tick- who replied: “You just choose”.

You just choose… What a liberating concept. Then Tick continued – “It doesn’t matter which god you worship because it’s always the same thing. You offer a gift, ask for a favor in return for a promise, and then fulfill your promise.” I struggled to understand how this could be so simple and universal. I tested Tick’s theory with the one Christian God I grew up with. After all, they are all the same, right? Instead of a donation box in front of each idol, we passed a collection plate in church so there was an offering. Also, in Christianity, there is a long tradition of asking for favors from God. Jesus said in Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, all things whatever you pray and ask for, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them.” Did we have to make additional offerings in our prayers to God? In Catholicism, your priest might suggest contrition as part of the confession, usually involving some number of hail marys. In all cases, humility and belief are part of the prayer ritual. I was beginning to see what Tick is saying.

I had more western memories to draw from. After my Christian upbringing, I branched into enlightened spiritualism during my college years. Did I have a prayer ritual there too? Did I follow the same patterns without any gods? I would set my intention and visualize that intention coming true. Sometimes I would use meditation mantras or intention boards to voice these wishes to the world. Is this like banging a gong at a temple to release your prayers to the world? Maybe there is a pattern here. Maybe Tick is right, maybe you can just choose, but how would a typical Thai person choose their god? I can’t speak for all of Thailand, but I got to know Tick well during our time with him. Tick operated on many levels. On one hand, he had a high respect for traditional Thai cultures and beliefs. For example, he became a Buddhist monk to please his mother. True, his monkhood only lasted one month, he wasn’t a fan of sleeping on the floor or eating bland food, yet even a month of monkhood made his mother very proud. Tick also loved western culture. As a teen, he had a pair of designer Harley Davidson jeans from the US that was very expensive and hard to get. He got in a minor motorcycle accident. He was bleeding and needed stitches but he knew the first thing the paramedics would do would be to cut off his jeans. Instead, he chose to skip the hospital and save those jeans. For the next month, he cleaned and bandaged wounds at home, but his designer jeans were safe.

His particular combination of east and west, new and old, gave me another way to understand the freedom of choice. I noticed Tick’s bike jersey he was wearing at the temple. It was a custom-made 49er fan art for Joe Montana saying “Bring him home”. How did a Thai guide, who has never been to America, just choose Joe Montana and the 49ers? At first, I thought there was a deep, philosophical and football explanation relating to the history of the West Coast Offense. Before Bill Walsh and the 49ers, football was a one on one battle of individual superheroes like Lynn Swann, Franco Harris or Mean Joe Green. They used their physical dominance to win individual battles and sway the course of a game with one immaculate reception. Walsh, Montana and the 49ers changed all of that. Montana would throw to a spot determined by a weakness in the opposing defense. His receivers, like Jerry Rice, would have to see the same weakness and choose to run to the right spot. It was the system that broke down opposing defenses and when it worked it was unstoppable. The collective teamwork, planning and coordination of the all the pieces led to victory and not an individual battle won or lost I drew an immediate analogy to Thailand culture and how the collective work and cooperation of the country would bring success and happiness. I was wrong. Tick said Joe Montana looked good and won a lot of football games and that was why he liked him. It was simple, sweet, profound, and got me thinking.

Maybe Thai people picked their gods like we pick our football teams. Sometimes a team or god is on a winning streak and the fans take notice. Other times, they are just your hometown favorites that you grew up with. Every temple we passed in Thailand had a statue of a famous local monk that had made a name for himself for the local worshipers. Other times, you might just like Joe Montana’s blue eyes or Vishnu’s blue skin for pure aesthetics. There is probably a reason why NFL teams work so hard on their logos and Hindu gods are so colorful. More and more in this world, it seems like there is a tendency to judge people for their personal choices. Perhaps it doesn’t matter which god you pray to or football team you root for. Since, for all intents and purpose, they are the same. There is no reason to not enjoy the pageantry of the NFL or the splendor of an exotic temple, even if it isn’t your team playing or the gods you believe in. Accepting the freedom to choose gives a traveler the ability to enjoy the new and unique without judgment or prejudice, and at the end of the day, isn’t freedom of choice what it’s all about?

This post was written for Everything Everywhere by Ed and Jennifer Coleman of Coleman Concierge.

Source: http://tz2d.me/?c=cy

from TAXI NEAR ME http://taxi.nearme.host/you-just-choose-musings-on-the-religions-of-thailand-and-the-nfl-2/ from NOVACAB https://novacabtaxi.tumblr.com/post/171340123986

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You Just Choose – Musings on the Religions of Thailand and the NFL

Wat Hup Ta Khrot temple left an indelible mark on my psyche. Not only because it was the first major temple complex we visited in Thailand, but it also introduced me to Thai polytheism. The idea that different gods and even religions could be worshiped together, side by side in peace and harmony simultaneously baffled and inspired me with their freedom to choose.

The freedom of choice isn’t limited to this one temple or time, it’s present in all of Thai culture and history. For example, the Unesco World Heritage site of Sukhothai has over 193 temples excavated and restored. These temples have Hindu and Buddhist beliefs living side by side. Choosing, one or many gods to follow is available from the lowest peasant to the king himself. In the ancient capital Ayutthaya, a popular attraction and UNESCO World Heritage Site, the kings demonstrated Hindu, Buddhist, and local spiritual belief simultaneously. Ayutthaya was named after the Ayodhya, the city in India that is the birthplace of the Hindu god Rama. The Ayutthayan kings were named after incarnations of Hindu gods like Vishnu or Rama, but they were also considered Bodhisattva. Even the ancient kings could be both Hindu gods and still quest to become Buddha.

My narrow-minded Western brain had a hard time handling the dichotomy of choice. I thought Game of Thrones taught me everything I needed to know about polytheism. In the show, the kingdoms of the realm worshiped different gods. When strangers enter the land, the kings would chop their heads off and burn them at the stake. This was nothing like Thailand. There we found something completely different, delightful and accepting. There was freedom to choose, not choose, or even choose everything. That day in the temple complex changed me. We walked by enchanted logs that Thai spiritualists believed housed wood spirits. The believers left ribbons and flowers as an offering to the spirits who lived there. The temple courtyard overflowed with statues of Hindu gods and famous Buddhist monks, each with their own alms box in front. There was even an altar for Rahu who was, in fact, a demon that Vishnu cut in half for drinking the milk of life but, due to the milk’s power, his head and torso were immortal. Not to be outdone, the temple shop sold amulets believed to have magical powers. Literally, this was one stop shopping for all religions in Thailand. My first thought was amazement at all of these different gods, demons, spirits, monks and even religions living side by side. My second was – how do you choose? I asked our guide – Tick- who replied: “You just choose”.

You just choose… What a liberating concept. Then Tick continued – “It doesn’t matter which god you worship because it’s always the same thing. You offer a gift, ask for a favor in return for a promise, and then fulfill your promise.” I struggled to understand how this could be so simple and universal. I tested Tick’s theory with the one Christian God I grew up with. After all, they are all the same, right? Instead of a donation box in front of each idol, we passed a collection plate in church so there was an offering. Also, in Christianity, there is a long tradition of asking for favors from God. Jesus said in Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, all things whatever you pray and ask for, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them.” Did we have to make additional offerings in our prayers to God? In Catholicism, your priest might suggest contrition as part of the confession, usually involving some number of hail marys. In all cases, humility and belief are part of the prayer ritual. I was beginning to see what Tick is saying.

I had more western memories to draw from. After my Christian upbringing, I branched into enlightened spiritualism during my college years. Did I have a prayer ritual there too? Did I follow the same patterns without any gods? I would set my intention and visualize that intention coming true. Sometimes I would use meditation mantras or intention boards to voice these wishes to the world. Is this like banging a gong at a temple to release your prayers to the world? Maybe there is a pattern here. Maybe Tick is right, maybe you can just choose, but how would a typical Thai person choose their god? I can’t speak for all of Thailand, but I got to know Tick well during our time with him. Tick operated on many levels. On one hand, he had a high respect for traditional Thai cultures and beliefs. For example, he became a Buddhist monk to please his mother. True, his monkhood only lasted one month, he wasn’t a fan of sleeping on the floor or eating bland food, yet even a month of monkhood made his mother very proud. Tick also loved western culture. As a teen, he had a pair of designer Harley Davidson jeans from the US that was very expensive and hard to get. He got in a minor motorcycle accident. He was bleeding and needed stitches but he knew the first thing the paramedics would do would be to cut off his jeans. Instead, he chose to skip the hospital and save those jeans. For the next month, he cleaned and bandaged wounds at home, but his designer jeans were safe.

His particular combination of east and west, new and old, gave me another way to understand the freedom of choice. I noticed Tick’s bike jersey he was wearing at the temple. It was a custom-made 49er fan art for Joe Montana saying “Bring him home”. How did a Thai guide, who has never been to America, just choose Joe Montana and the 49ers? At first, I thought there was a deep, philosophical and football explanation relating to the history of the West Coast Offense. Before Bill Walsh and the 49ers, football was a one on one battle of individual superheroes like Lynn Swann, Franco Harris or Mean Joe Green. They used their physical dominance to win individual battles and sway the course of a game with one immaculate reception. Walsh, Montana and the 49ers changed all of that. Montana would throw to a spot determined by a weakness in the opposing defense. His receivers, like Jerry Rice, would have to see the same weakness and choose to run to the right spot. It was the system that broke down opposing defenses and when it worked it was unstoppable. The collective teamwork, planning and coordination of the all the pieces led to victory and not an individual battle won or lost I drew an immediate analogy to Thailand culture and how the collective work and cooperation of the country would bring success and happiness. I was wrong. Tick said Joe Montana looked good and won a lot of football games and that was why he liked him. It was simple, sweet, profound, and got me thinking.

Maybe Thai people picked their gods like we pick our football teams. Sometimes a team or god is on a winning streak and the fans take notice. Other times, they are just your hometown favorites that you grew up with. Every temple we passed in Thailand had a statue of a famous local monk that had made a name for himself for the local worshipers. Other times, you might just like Joe Montana’s blue eyes or Vishnu’s blue skin for pure aesthetics. There is probably a reason why NFL teams work so hard on their logos and Hindu gods are so colorful. More and more in this world, it seems like there is a tendency to judge people for their personal choices. Perhaps it doesn’t matter which god you pray to or football team you root for. Since, for all intents and purpose, they are the same. There is no reason to not enjoy the pageantry of the NFL or the splendor of an exotic temple, even if it isn’t your team playing or the gods you believe in. Accepting the freedom to choose gives a traveler the ability to enjoy the new and unique without judgment or prejudice, and at the end of the day, isn’t freedom of choice what it’s all about?

This post was written for Everything Everywhere by Ed and Jennifer Coleman of Coleman Concierge.

Source: http://tz2d.me/?c=cy

from TAXI NEAR ME http://taxi.nearme.host/you-just-choose-musings-on-the-religions-of-thailand-and-the-nfl/