#but even in my ‘female friendships’ with other lgbt women something is missing

[francisforever2014]

i hate the term “female friendship” like it annoys me

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.

[bisluthq]

Hey! I'm fairly new here and I have a pretty uncommon take on Kaylor. But I just wanna start off by saying I try my best to be as supportive of LGBT people as possible and if they're both bisexual, then I would be 100% okay with that! I'm not trying to "defend their heterosexuality" or anything, I think that's really weird

Okay, so my personal theory is that Kaylor did happen, but that Taylor and Karlie are both straight. I know that might sound contradictory, but I say this based on my own personal experiences based on how I am with my best friend. I think Karlie and Taylor's relationship might have been similar in some ways to ours

Right, so I'm straight and I'm not into women in the gay kind of way (but it's completely cool that some girls are), and I have this roommate who's gorgeous. Really gorgeous, she's like a 10/10 "I would sell my kidney to look like you" kind of girl. She's very attractive, she has like tan skin and long legs and gorgeous brown hair and pretty eyes and nice lips and just like… she's just very good looking. I'm definitely jealous of her body, I won't even pretend I'm not 😪 I lowkey hate her because of it (jk)

We've been living together since not long before COVID started, and we're very good friends. There were three of us before, but our other roommate went back home to stay with her parents until in person classes are back on and we agreed to it and worked something out because she has really bad anxiety so we understood her reasoning for it

Anyway so it's just been us two and because we've been at home a lot during this time instead of out for most of the day like before, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and have become a lot closer. We were already friends from before, but now we're like super close besties, we've been hanging out a lot together and playing board games, watching movies, helping each other with essays, just having long conversations about anything and everything, etc

Like it's been so nice having a best friend that I can be this close to now because I haven't had a best friend since I was a kid

So my friend and I were having like a conversation last year about how hard it's been in quarantine not being able to go on dates and how we miss kissing people, and so we decided to just like, make out for fun you know. I mean, there's not really anything that's inherently romantic or sexual about making out, that's just society that says that. But tbh I think making out with your friends if you want to should be normalized, it's fun and it can even be emotional sometimes. It's not that different from hugging people

After a couple of weeks or so, I think we got bored of just making out with each other and decided to like, fully hook up. It started off because we were modelling lingerie for each other for banter and were pretending we were each other's runway judges and then I think we just decided to hook up with each other as like part of the whole "game". I can't remember who initiated it now, I think it might have been me as a joke lol

Like just in a platonic way for fun, as a kind of substitute until we can go back into society

And tbh I always expected hooking up with a woman to be like mediocre and boring and awkward, but although it was a bit hard to get the hang of at first and there was a learning curve, it's actually very enjoyable. Like I was very surprised actually at how hot it can be, I think I can maybe see why bisexual women and lesbians like doing it

Anyway we both liked it and we just carried on hooking up on the regular and it's been like 8 months now and tbh I just think it's very sweet and heartwarming, like it actually makes me feel a little emotional how we're close enough and care about each other enough that we can even help each other out with the physical intimacy side of things so that we don't get sexually frustrated while we're stuck in lockdown

I just think it's really cool and we even sleep in the same bed most of the time now because tbh what's the point in sleeping alone when you can sleep in the same bed as someone else? It's nicer, like you can cuddle and stuff

Anyway, I think that maybe Kaylor's relationship might have been similar. I think they're both straight but they became really close friends in a short space of time, and that their friendship was so intense that it became physical but in a platonic way

I think lesbians and bisexual women are amazing and I have so much respect for you guys for accepting yourselves in a society that tries to erase you, and I think there definitely needs to be more wlw representation on TV and in movies

But at the same time, I would also like there to be more close female friendships like the one that me and my friend have where you can just talk about everything together and do things that society usually reserves for romantic partners, but in a platonic way. Because female friendship is really important and beautiful, whether that's between straight women like me and my friend who I think is probably straight too, or between queer women because one thing I've learnt during my short time on this blog is how queer women can have very close platonic friendships with other queer women too

I think society just has overly strict ideas of "straight" and "gay". Like for some people, they would hear about two women sleeping together and think "Oh that's gay", but not necessarily because straight women can enjoy sleeping with other women too, like it's normal 🤷‍♀️

I think it's just a result of women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men

I also think it's because women are so oversexualized in the media, and obviously straight girls see that too and so we sort of internalize that attraction to women because we're so used to seeing women being presented in a sexual way? Except it's not real attraction with us like how it is for queer girls

Like I'm very much "attracted" to my friend, she's genuinely stunning and just very hot tbh. But I still identify as straight because it's just a case of what I mentioned above, it's a "fake" attraction. And also because men are afraid to compliment other men because it's seen as "gay", but women can be fully confident in their sexuality and still recognize other women's beauty and sex appeal. You see it all the time in instagram comments, and I really love how we're all so supportive of each other like that

Like I can be fully confident in my sexuality and yet still say that some women like my friend are gorgeous as hell and also 100 times better looking than most men I've seen. I'm very much obsessed with some women's appearances but in a platonic way

And I just love the concept of "girl crushes" and I think that from a feminism viewpoint, it's beautiful that we're focusing on other girls and showing love towards other girls too, instead of just to men who, let's be real, don't even fully appreciate it half of the time

I am going to be sad when we all have to return to life as usual and my friend and I won't be able to spend as much time together anymore. I'm dreading it tbh, I don't want it to end yet. And it really sucks that the physical side of our friendship will probably have to stop too once our other roommate comes back because I think she'd definitely misunderstand the situation and think it's something different than it actually is if she ever saw us kissing or something. I really am going to miss it a lot though, I really like how things currently are and it's just really really nice and I don't want it to change :/

Btw I'm sorry if I sounded fetishistic or offensive with any of this, I just get a bit jealous sometimes that you guys get to date girls and we're just stuck with men. Honestly if it wasn't for all of the homophobia and the struggles that you all have to face and the fact that it would feel disrespectful to the LGBT community, I would probably really wish I could change my sexuality to be bisexual or gay instead because I just think women are better. Sometimes I really do wish I was into women in that way because dating girls just sounds so much more appealing to me (in a non fetishizing weird way) but unfortunately I'm stuck with dating men 🤦‍♀️ But I also know I'm lucky and privileged to be straight even though most men are mediocre and kinda gross and I don't mean to be disrespectful because I know you all have to face homophobia and other LGBT difficulties and it really sucks, people are awful. There's nothing wrong with women dating women or men dating men at all, society is just ugly and bigoted

Anyway, does anybody else have a similar sort of take on Kaylor where they think they could have both been straight and just had a very close friendship with a physical side to it? I think it would explain a lot. But like I said, this is just a theory of mine based on my own situation, and I'm also open to the idea that it was an actual relationship and that they're both into women for real, not just fake "into women" like I am.

Also pls feel free to call me out if I accidentally said anything offensive towards LGBT people, I tried my best but if I made a mistake anywhere pls let me know and I'll avoid it next time!

You’re not offensive. Please stop apologizing. And we’re gonna come back to the Kaylor stuff another time because... Honey. You and I need to have a conversation for a bit.

So firstly, I’m not trying to like “diagnose” you and at the end of the day it’s your choice what you want to call yourself but... tbh you might not be straight. Sexuality is fluid not static and exists on a spectrum not in absolutes. It’s not like it’s straight, 50/50 bi, gay and you’re born knowing and there’s no room for anything else. That’s not true. There’s a lot of room in between all of these and labels can change over time. We’re people, not cereal brands, and sometimes we don’t even KNOW the word for what we might be. I’m tagging a tag for you from when we asked people to share their label journeys for you to see. It’s not simple or easy and it’s not just because of external stuff - it’s because figuring this out internally is HARD. If you found yourself having such an intense friendship it became physical, repeatedly, you liked it a lot, you still sleep in the same bed and continue to share all your thoughts and you don’t want any of that to end... I’m not sure you’re Kinsey 0. And I think you might lowkey have a girlfriend dude. 

You can obviously prefer men but like... hun I reaaallly don’t think you’re completely straight.

Also: it’s okay to say “I see myself winding up with a man and this is a situationship for right now!” but that doesn’t make you straight because again, sexuality is a spectrum and you can manifest a particular kind of endgame while experiencing other things along the way.

But here’s where you really got me: “most men are mediocre and kinda gross” and “women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men” because that’s the kind of thing I used to say in my Bi 1.0 era before I ID’d as a lesbian for a bit and before Harry Styles (KING 🥺) made me bi for real. Hun, no. Straight women like men. Tbh BI women like men. I genuinely, unironically, find Harry and Timmy and Matt Smith to be sexy beasts and I would do dirty things to the former two but maybe not the latter irl in 2021 but yes also him if I could be on that Spain trip with him and Karen where they got sloshed and which I think of often. These men are genuinely fucking beautiful to me in the same way Taylor is and Di Silvers is (okay she’s prettier than all of them but like same ~vibe) and like Megan Thee Stallion is and Indira Varma in everything but especially GOT and Gillian Anderson and Keira Knightley. Like those women are HOT to me and SO. ARE. THE. MEN. 

Straight women find SO MANY DUDES hot. So many. Starting from objectively pretty options I just cannot personally understand like Chris Evans all the way through to bitches who are outchea simping for wrestlers and Cole Sprouse. Do I understand? No. But like... that’s straight girl culture and ours is not to judge. 

If you’re struggling to find men hot then... you might be gay.

Also, I’m not sure what you mean by “fake attraction”. Like queer women - especially femme women which I assume you very much are - experience the same kinds of feelings straight girls do. We have women we want to be like and look like and find enviable (me and Oenone Forbat) and women we find aesthetically gorgeous (me and Anya Taylor Joy) and we have extremely close female friends who we can spend hours on end spilling our guts to - as you say female friendships are truly special - and without going into personal people that you don’t know, that’s me and Cam and Sim right? I literally talk to them for hours. Like those are not gay feelings. And yes we can chat about those kinds of feelings with straight girls and call them “girl crushes” and not immediately get “caught out” because they experience this exact shit too.

But here’s the thing. They never do and I don’t want in the cases above to fuck these women. It’s not sexual.

The moment I can actually imagine fucking the women in question that’s... gay. 

Like it’s not “fake attraction” it’s literally just gay. That’s how we desire women. We want to fuck them. Not all women. Not always. But sometimes we want to get under or on top of one and just really truly fucking make each other moan with pleasure.

I have no idea if Karlie or Taylor are into women. They could both literally be straight. I have no idea.

But I have a better idea about you.

Hun, you’re fucking your roommate/best friend and don’t want to stop.

You’re not “into women”.

You’re into this woman.

And possibly into women more generally.

So I know it’s weird to have to be the one to tell you this, and if you want to keep chatting via anon or in my DMs or if you want me to try collate resources for you from around the web but...

Like.

Dude.

You’re a whole ass part of the rainbow.

Welcome to the community you thought you weren’t a part of earlier today 🌈 ❤️

It’s nice here, sure there’s homophobia, but at least we get to fuck girls and man is it good.

[skamamoroma]

“I Told Sunset About You” - Review/Recap/Whole Bunch of Nonsense Rambling about my Love!

Every now and then a show comes along that I get absolutely knocked off my feet by and I can’t stop thinking about it until I write a whole bunch of nonsense because it’s THAT GOOD and this damn show. I’ve thought about it all week. Outside of the SCU and other longer running stuff, the last time a show sidetracked me like this was San Junipero and I dreamed about that episode for weeks! This show got to me so much that I knew I had to write that whole bunch of nonsense for real and I decided to write a bit of a review and then some specific posts about some of the themes, metaphors, ideas and shots etc that I adore. So if this is not your thing, I tag religiously!

So if you haven’t seen it, the show is about two young boys, Teh and Oh-aew, living in Phuket in Thailand about to take their entry exams/go through the Uni acceptance process. They were childhood best friends until they had an argument which caused them to stop speaking to one another for many years until they meet again at a Chinese class. The story is about friendship, identity, love, rivalry, family, authenticity, ambition and growing up. It’s sweet, funny, painful, warm, difficult, romantic, hopeful, honest and insightful. I hope you don’t fall asleep reading... !

My friend in Japan recommended this show to me. I watch a lot of movies/tv from different parts of the world but rarely from this part of the world not because I don’t want to - I DO! - I just don’t know what’s good and I tend to rely on recommendations from friends or coming across things by chance. If you’ve followed me for even a while, you know my JAM is character driven, nuanced, beautiful shows that go heavy on authentic emotion but use cinematography/music/sound/colour and other creative tricks to further the story. Nothing makes me go starry eyed more than a show SHOWING without a single moment of TELLING where it isn’t necessary and this show hit every single one of those things and more to the point that I was completely swooning at how much of a masterpiece it is. I swear some tiny moments in this show have me floored with how effective and meaningful they are. ARGH. 

As icing on the cake, it’s beautifully LGBT+ themed (written in part and, I believe, directed by LGBT+ folks - if I’ve got that wrong from translations, let me know). These themes are created with care and love, felt refreshing with characters I don’t feel I’ve really seen before. I know that there is info to suggest that they wanted to create this show much more FOR LGBT+ folks and to differentiate it from a style of show that is perhaps more popular for a mainstream audience or a certain audience that wants a certain thing from some Thai dramas (I’m personally not into BL - I think that’s what the genre is called as I kinda don’t know how to feel about that stuff being hella tropey and made for a specifically straight female audience)… and you can tell. They apparently didn’t promote this as that genre. Some of the other themes were so interesting and explored so beautifully. The idea of rivalry and competition was handled with so much insight and depth that it really did stun me at time’s how skilled the writing is. 

The acting… oh the acting. I know Billkin and PP have apparently been close friends for many years but even that sometimes doesn’t guarantee to equal this level of chemistry. They are stunning actors, genuinely nuanced, so charismatic and loveable. I love that even the sad anguished moments are messy as hell (and a couple so delightfully dramatic), the gentle sweeping romantic moments are swoon worthy and allowed to linger or exist in silence, the tension they create is often feels a little too intrusive to watch and the nuance - so much is said without saying anything at all. Some specific moments are handled with so much care when dealing with really complex emotion and I’m floored to see such young actors achieve some of the moments they do because some of the emotion is genuinely complex. There’s a lot of Teh who is terribly complex and to achieve that balance between difficult to work out and yet still feeling like you understand him is a very tricky thing and yet, that’s what I felt when I watched his character. I am in awe of their abilities to be honest and just found them completely mesmerising from start to finish. I love that a lot of their character traits are established so strongly through acting choices that by the end, when both have come kinda full circle and have learned from the other, you can see the OTHER in the OTHER, if that makes sense! Teh in the final few scenes takes on some of Oh’s characteristics. It’s so noticeable but never oversold. Perfect.I can’t overstate this enough! Some moments left me breathless for so many reasons. 

My mum lived in Thailand for a while and in Phuket where the show is set and I loved seeing stuff I recognised from a few of her photographs. I felt I learned a lot about Thai culture too, stuff my mum would have learned and I adored the world surrounding these characters! Btw, if I get anything incorrect re: the culture - come shout at me! :)

The music. Knowing that the soundtrack was written for the show and sung mostly by the two leads was such a surprise because they are beautiful songs. The score is, and I cannot emphasise this enough, bloody gorgeous. There are parts where they play the most gentle soft piano music that kinda breaks my heart and others when they perfectly place the most uplifting soaring sounds that enhance some simple scenes so much that they felt so impactful. There’s a song on the score called Skyline Minimal which is used in a specific scene and in the documentary the director talks about how just the sound of it, you don’t need the lyrics, it just makes you miss someone and makes you cry and he’s absolutely spot on so that when you hear it, what happens on screen just shatters your heart. The soundtrack is woven into the storyline so deeply that the lyrics are used, the melody is used to trigger Oh-aew’s memories at one point and the pretend source of the main song, Skyline, is directly linked to not only the idea of learning Chinese and what that means for them both as characters and as a pair but two of the main themes of the season, ambition and identity! 

The cinematography. Christ on a bike. I could write essays. I am a sucker for meaningful camera work, stuff that does half of the storytelling for you and I cannot praise this more highly other than to say it’s close to perfect. Some moments are so absolutely mesmerising and meaningful that a simple movement or a simple peek at something means a LOT. I’m going to have to write a whole damn post on some of my favourite moments because I can count on one hand the shows/movies of late that I’ve seen that achieve what this show does with camera work, directorial choices and general approach to non-verbal story telling. The level of thought and detail and using a camera in a creative and loving way... I found it so moving and so beautiful the way you could feel the level of consideration that went into the smallest moments, how entire moments of character development were done silently…

The use of metaphor. Anyone who knows me knows I am absolutely WEAK for this stuff. If a good complex emotion or concept can be developed in a way other than with words then I am yours… I will read into everything, enjoy every clever reference and revel in the use of colour or light or sound or motif. This show was a gift in that sense. I’m going to end up writing posts about stuff like the use of colour and the hibiscus flower and coconuts and the use of Chinese words. Again, some moments were so genuinely beautifully done and unexpected that I was like a kid in a sweetshop and was a little swoony over them. There are some moments when the Chinese phrases/words are used through their tutoring in a way to sum up the character’s feelings, moments are built up to by establishing motifs that, when used to their conclusion make for the most BEAUTIFUL or gut wrenching moments. The hibiscus flower scene/colouring in may  be one of my most favourite scenes in the whole show and I just smile thinking of how wonderfully it was developed.

Another thing I truly adored was how I genuinely loved every single character. There’s no demonisation, no discarding of characters at the expense of others (especially as I hate when women in movies are treated this way when there’s no reason to), no characters who are used as scapegoats. If anything, you come out adoring the characters who traditionally “get in the way” of a pairing because, well, they don’t. They don’t feel in the way or an annoyance. They feel genuine and lovely and you root for them. That’s a really really kind way to treat your characters but, above anything, it’s just lovely to see that much consideration given to characters to treat them all as humans. I get a little sick of seeing ‘bad guys’, you know? I like flawed, messy but human people. Hoon as a big brother is so understated but when he appears and when it matters, some of his moments are so genuinely emotional it’s amazing how they allow him to be a typical brother, kinda dismissive and teasing his younger sibling but then he’s THERE and really fully there for his brother in some truly significant moments. It felt so earned for me and goodness, one moment kills me when Teh is full on in the middle of a family fight, sobbing and confused and in a room of them all, Hoon goes directly to his brother and the simple way it happens had me in bits. Apparently, that was an improvised scene too so it makes it a little special.

The ending. Any LGBT+ soul out there knows the pain of watching another miserable ending and, don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL FOR endings where you don’t necessarily get what you WANT but only ones that make sense and are earned so they make you think or realise you don’t NEED what you want etc. BUT also want happiness and hope and love and watching LGBT+ characters thrive. Not to spoil, but they treat these two very well by the end… you just have to make your way through a box of tissues first!

So yeah, it was alright. Hahahaha. I genuinely think it’s a masterpiece. I feel the love and care that went into it, the time taken to consider and think and find ways to say a LOT by saying very LITTLE. I feel the commitment to LGBT+ media, little nods to other shows/moments… I feel their wish to be original and to try to make new characters feel fresh and unseen. I just adored it and I’m so grateful it exists because as a piece of art, when you finish it and can write legit essays (and I’ve seen posts other people have written and I’m in NO WAY the only one here) then you know you’ve done something kinda special! So that’s me, getting my whole bunch of nonsense down… and now I can make specific posts and ramble a whole bunch more! Mwahaha.

[theguardianofmagic]

I gotta say I adore that Tin Can Bros decided to make a musical about spies, where the main character, Curt Mega, is gay. And the leading lady, Tatiana, is a total badass and isn’t shoehorned to be anything else.

I love spy movies and action movies, but my love for the genre turns sour when I see so many that treat the women as prizes or as second fiddle to a man. I hate how LGBT+ characters are rarely included as anything besides a cheap joke.

Curt’s sexuality is subtle, but still important and hard to miss even though it’s not an in your face kind of thing. They use it for humor, but the joke is never “it’s funny cause he’s gay.” Instead it’s “it’s funny because we’re good at trope subversion.”

Most importantly, the fact that he’s gay is a big part of the story, but it isn’t his whole character. He’s got issues, he was reckless, and he’s trying to recover. He’s not stupid. He’s an interesting and fun character that holds up the show. The fact that he’s gay can’t be considered unnecessary, but he would still make an amazing main character even without it.

And remember, it takes place in the 1960s. It would be so easy to just not bring up his sexuality, as so many people want to pretend gay people didn’t exist in history. I just appreciate that they did it this way.

Don’t even get me started on Owen and Curt. How they’re written and the choices Curt has to make in the end are beautiful and heartbreaking. He is such a strong character.

Tatiana and Curt’s friendship is incredibly important to the show, but you can’t imagine it as anything other platonic. It holds up the show, but for once the male and female leads get to be just friends.*

Doing This is ICONIC. It’s one of my favorite examples of trope subversion and also making fun of summer blockbusters that pull this shit.

Also Tatiana is a fleshed out character, unlike so many of the women in those blockbusters and action movies I can’t care for. They deserve better writing.

Her goals are oriented around her family and while we get her loner vibe, she is quickly loyal to others she cares about. She is a queen with her Eyes On The Prize.

I seriously love each and every character in this musical, but I truly appreciate that they went there with Curt and Tatiana. They are both such good characters and I fell in love with TCB all over again for creating them.

Spies Are Forever is an outstanding musical for a billion reasons and I’ll probably make posts in the future about each individual character, the music, the comedy, the storytelling, etc... but for now this’ll do. Thank you, TCB and Team Starkid for your amazing projects.

An amazing, entertaining, parody musical full of heart and great writing. More original than something Hollywood pours billions into.

*Don’t @ me about Eggsy and Roxy being like this in Kingsman, because I don’t want to hear it. A great movie that pokes fun at spy films, but I will never forgive the sequel for WASTING my girl like that.

[eslinogambino-blog]

Im a transguy and trying to get to know this girl on a dating site but i am lying to her and i dont know how to turn it around. she wants to meet and i dont know what to say to her but shell find out if we take it to the next level i cant so what do i say to reverse it. btw im glad you are back. your advice has always helped me

Dating when transgender is a whole new experience to dating as someone born the gender they present as, which I’m sure you’re seeing. But it also isn’t in my opinion. Maybe I’m transgender. Maybe I’m cisgender. Maybe I’m a chicken nugget. Maybe it’s maybelline. Maybe I’m gay. Maybe I’m straight. Who knows. Either way, I see approaching relationships the same.

When I’m getting to know a girl, I talk to her for a long time before I meet her. I would say out of 50 messages I might have with women, I only meet 5 maximum. The other 45 I decided wouldn’t fit me or I didn’t vibe with the right way. I saved myself a lot of heartbreak and rejection that way.

For someone who is transgender it’s no different really. You should always take the time to get to know someone, understand their view points and personality. After all depending on the point you are in within your transition can make it pretty impossible to meet up for just a hook up. This is where things are different and this prolonged process of getting to know someone is almost essential to move forward. Going on a date without her knowing, is sort of allowing her to assume something about you that if she knew more, maybe she’d be uncomfortable or confused, sometimes even feel betrayed. Some people just outright aren’t okay with it and could even react violently. It’s not okay but it does happen.

I would say during this beginning period of just talking, to be a friend. Don’t have your hopes up, but be confident in who you are and what you can offer. Avoid romantic or sexual conversations. This isn’t the wrong thing to do no matter your identity, it’s always good to respect someone as a person before assuming you fit in other ways. Find out her political beliefs. Find out her position on bullying or the underdog. gay people. etc… a lot of these things will help you know if she’s harshly against it or even mildly understanding of it. When you have an indication, if it’s positive, move forward. If negative, its over. You no longer need to talk to her, and you never got your emotions involved so no harm, no foul, move along to the next. Keep her friendship if you’d like but she isn’t interested. You also didn’t have to tell her something personal about yourself that you’d probably regret revealing.

Upon moving forward, drop small hints. Never make jokes about your balls if you don’t have them, never try to overcompensate with hypermasculinity and being a man if its something that you struggle with. Try being transparent without actually saying you’re transgender directly. It should be somewhat obvious there is something different about you in regards to masculinity or typical gender norms before you meet without you directly making a deal of it. If she gets the hint and doesn’t like it, she’ll do you the favor and go away. Don’t chase her, she is not interested.

Eventually when you feel safe reaching and speaking with her on deeper topics, especially social ones that make you different, then I would initiate meeting. You don’t have to tell her yet, it’s already obvious she’s cool with it as a person, finding out if shes cool with it romantically is only after things actually become romantic. If you meet up and she’s flirting, seems romantically drawn to you, and assumes its a date, then I would be comfortable enough to entertain the IDEA of liking her back but not really give that all back. She’ll notice something is off, your engagement in return to her seems off. She might ask and that’s your opportunity to tell her, or you can tell her later if things went well that you’re not like other guys, there are some things that are different and you think she’s cool but you don’t know how she’d feel about it.

She might just tell you she already kinda knew. She might ask you what that entails. So answer her questions. If she’s as understanding as you’ve made sure she is, then she will be cautious in her questions. If the questions are fitting to romantic or sexual desires, then she is probably interested in less of what it means to you and more in how it affects her. So tell her honestly, what you intend to do in your transition, what you’ve already done, what you are comfortable with and what you expect from a woman. Be sensible and logical, not everything needs to be so personal and detailed.

I think with dating women it’s easier in some ways. Certain women at least. They’re more receptive to taking an emotional stance on things. So you have some leverage there. A woman will be more calm and understanding of your reveal. Let’s say she denies you, you missed the mark, you thought she liked you and would be understanding and she’s not. That’s okay, you have others to talk to thankfully, you never got fully invested, and you only told someone who understood and wont judge you for it or go around telling people your business. You made a real genuine friend.

if she is cool with it, I would just continue the friendship and see if things get romantic. Don’t bring up the trans thing, you’re just a guy. No need to make jokes about it, no need to make her think about it. You’re just a guy, she already got her questions answered in regards to that. Things will naturally just go on like any relationship.

I’d give 2 months minimum for this all to develop and she’ll appreciate you more for actually getting to know her.

For trans women, I would say withhold sex. Normalize being transgender. Some men will only be willing to engage with you sexually if they are fetishizing you, because their perceived masculinity requirements wont allow them to see you romantically. It’s a lot harder in my opinion. I would say withhold sex, be a person, be a friend. Find out his views, find out his comforts, slowly ease in the idea that youre different from other women and if he rejects you, is mean to you, slanders you.  You just say : i apologize that you feel mislead at all by how I am, I never intended for that, I really think youre a cool person and I didnt know if you’d be open to it. It was worth a try, I dont really see you romantically just yet anyway, but I thought it’d be cool to chill. But thanks anyway for taking the time to get to know me as a person.” and you can block them or withstand another threat or insult, or maybe hear him out. Maybe a friendship will arise and maybe it will become more if he sees there is no pressure.

I try to encourage everyone who is trans to not be so open about it immediately. Don’t deceive, just only reveal it when you are comfortable with someone. Profile should say male or female if thats what you identify as. The trans thing is more what youve done or are doing, youre transitioning but its not WHAT or WHO you are. It’s not really an identity at all, it’s kind of the background noise or schematics of it all. If you treat it that way, others will, too….most of the time.

As for reversing a lie, I would say that you got yourself in a tough spot. I would become a bit distant and less romantic with this person to make it clear you are guilty or feel like you’ve overstepped. Usually when you step back, someone steps forward…at least if they care. So you step back, she steps forward, you explain you havent been honest and youre not really like other dudes and you feel like you’ve mislead her and you’ll understand if she doesnt want to go forward with things. She’ll encourage you but dont play games, make sure you feel comfortable. There is a risk here. When you feel you’ve beat around it enough and she’s let down her guard enough, reveal. I would also start to check her political views and ideas about social events going on before revealing no matter what. It’s extremely important to do that. She might reveal she is a die hard trump fan, anti lgbt hardcore and you know to just stop talking to her. Why would you want to be with someone like that anyway? Cis or Trans?

Basically, treat it like any other relationship but prolong the intimate stuff until you know them better. Everyone will be saved from  a lot of heartbreak, rejection and embarrassment. You never have to get too attached to the potential of someone else if your options are always open to being friends or maybe something else, who knows, If you have an agenda, I dont think you should be dating people anyway. If youre not willing to be genuinely interested in them as a person, you’re just going to hurt them eventually anyway, whether they see passed it or not.

[sweetinfires-blog]

BTS Valentine’s Image/Scenario [Hyung Line]

Hello! Admin Crys here to share these drabble/scenarios that drifted in my head whilst thinking of Valentine’s! This is my first time doing something like this, so feel free to give feedback on how I can make it more intriguing! Hope you enjoy~

BTS Image: Spending Valentine’s together.

Contains: Angst, Fluff

**Disclaimer!! Some images may not be to your liking as it may contain lgbt+ content/ unhappy content. If you do not like the idea, pls do not be rude and simply scroll past this post!**

Jin

You were finally going to meet up with Jin after months. Luckily, his schedule allowed him to have a little vacation around the same time as Valentine’s day. You and Jin weren’t dating; just maintaining that rather close friendship. You two became close through mutual friends a year ago and have been seeing each other quite intimately. A few ‘dates’ here and there, stealing his sweaters, casual skinship, and “if we’re both single by 30, we might as well marry” jokes. It was that kind of bond.

Stepping into the winter snow, you tightly gripped the red box closer to your frame bracing yourself against the frosty breeze. Jin invited the two of you to a small hot pot restaurant near his uncle’s farm, the place of his vacation for the time being. As you walked in, you noticed the bright blonde sat dead center of the restaurant. He was too concentrated on the menu to notice you until you pulled open the chair in front of him. “__ !” He greeted you excitedly. 

“Blonde? Again? You know you and that hair color make my heart throb!” You half joked as you sat in front of him. “OH?? A present for me?” Jin asked as you placed the red box into the seat next to you. You giggled at his excitement. “Yes, but you get to open it after we are done eating, ok?” The ends of his plump lips curled up as nodded in agreement.

After you two were done eating, you finally had a moment to talk freely. Eating with Jin was pure sport. Both of you focused on the food in front of you both were barely able to speak as you devoured your food. “Ah, looks like the sun has already set, should I drop you home?” Jin prompted.  Right then, your phone chimed indicating a text. You shook your head at him. “It’s fine Jinnie, I think my ride is here,” you waved your phone slightly. All he did was smile before getting up from the table with you and taking you to the entrance of the restaurant. 

Coming up to the cashier, you reached into your pouch for payment. Jin gripped at your wrist to stop your gesture. “I’ll pay,” he explained, “it is Valentine’s day after all.” You���d be lying if you said your heart didn’t skip a beat at his manner. He was truly a gentleman through and through. “Thank you,” was all you could manage to say as you took in his features. Big, brown eyes. A tall nose. Soft, plump lips. Just the right height to have your head buried in the crook of his neck as you hug. Broad shoulders that you leaned on through tough times.

“Shall we head out?” Jin interrupted your daze. You nodded and walked back out into the snow. A black car pulled up right in front of the curb, and before you could speak a word to him, he hits your heart directly.

“I guess we can’t marry anymore, since your wedding is tomorrow, huh?” He asks woefully. You pursed your lips and held back the tears forming in your eyes. “I..Happy Valentine’s Day,” you whispered as you pecked his cheek good bye. Before you walked away, you gave him the red box. “My presents to you,” you kept your voice low as you were to scared he might notice your heartache. 

As he watched you get into the black car, he faintly saw your fiance kiss you on the cheek as you did him. Once you were out of his sight, he opened the box to see his old sweater that you would wear frequently during movie nights, simple errand runs together, and other nights in together. He took it out from the box and a little envelope fluttered out onto his foot. A simple “I will always love you” written on the face of the envelope. He opened it up and saw the reality of it all. Your wedding invitation. 

Yoongi

Faintly stepping through the doors of the Genius Lab, you placed your coat, pouch, and a little black box accented with a tiny bow onto the couch next to the entrance. Yoongi sat anchored to his desk playing with a few chords on his piano. It was nearly 1AM, February 14th. Valentine’s Day. 

You and Yoongi never really scheduled dates, or so you called them, but this time he specifically asked you to visit him. Although it was late, you didn’t mind. You were use to meeting up at ungodly hours due to hectic work schedules.  As you gingerly made your way behind his seat, you snaked your arm around his neck and whispered for him to take a break. He looked up at you with a smirk and brought a hand to cup your face. “If it isn’t my beautiful muse,” he grinned. 

As your cheeks heated, you backed away from him. “Muse.” It was a beautiful thing to be, but also a reminder you were nothing more to him than a source of inspiration for his music. He was intrigued with many things he found in you. College drop out, check. Strong sense of justice, check. Humble yet cunning, check. Unique career that paid the bills, check. 

“So..the gift?” He looked at you with a glint in his eyes. You smiled and ruffled his hair before making your way to pick up the tiny black box you laid on the couch.  You tossed it towards him as you sat on the couch. He caught it showing his gummy smile.  “Thank you, _ ! I hope he’ll like it!” He got up, shrugged on his coat and came up to peck your cheek goodbye. Before he walked through the door he made sure to have your heart aching again unintentionally. “I love you, my muse. Thank you for introducing us!” And as the door closed behind him, you broke down once again knowing you were only a muse. He could never love you the way you loved him, or how he loved him.

Hoseok

Although most of the members took time to rest during their vacation, Hoseok was still as busy as ever. Spending time with family, meeting up with old dance friends, and then going to Japan for TV show appearances with Jimin. You both made due with the little communication despite his strong worth ethics and passion. You couldn’t complain. 

Valentine’s would mark the 100th day of being official. Since the special day fell on a Wednesday, and Hoseok was still in Japan, you both decided to at least spend if together through webcam. He was ecstatic to finally see you and hear your voice. “Baby, say my name~” He’d whine just to hear you call out for him. You giggled and called out for him. “Hoseok-ah~ I miss you~ Do you know what today is~?” You asked coyly. “Of course! Happy Valentine’s Day, my love~” he blew a kiss straight to your heart. Despite distance, this man really knew how to get you all giddy and bashful. But that response wasn’t enough for you. You didn’t know if it was because you were being too overly invested into the relationship, but you had a sliver of hope he’d also wish you a happy 100th day anniversary. So, you acted coy again to pry. “What else~? Today is extra extra special!” You mimicked a baby voice in attempts of acting cute. “Ah~ What else is today? OH! It’s special because I finished the last track to my mixtape!” He beamed. He had sent you the track file earlier in the day along with him dancing to it at a dance studio with his old female dance crew member. You had almost forgot about how jealous you were of his old friends.

“Mmm, what else~? Nothing else~?” You whined. He furrowed his eyes, and before he could speak, his manager came into his room. “Ah, one moment, babe! Manager Sejin just came in, I’ll be right back!” And he shuffled to across his hotel room. A foreboding feeling overtaking you. You felt your smile begin to sink down, and you tried to hold down a frown. It had only been about 20 minutes into the video call and you hoped it wouldn’t be cut short since it was a special day .. to you at least. 

Hoseok came shuffling back in front of his laptop with a wide grin, so you thought it best to suck it up and do the same displaying a big smile. It slowly faded though, as you saw someone come up behind the seat at his desk. The women from the video earlier. Dancing, and laughing, and obviously listening to his mixtape track first as they had to choreograph to it. You felt a sting of jealous in your chest. “Babe! This is Kazane!” You both slightly bowed to each other through the webcam as he continued on. “I forgot today I had promised to practice with her and a few others at the studio..” he explained rubbing his neck. He peered up at you and saw your head droop. “Ah, __ ~” he spoke in a low voice, “I’m sorry, I know it’s a day for couples, and love and all, but-” You interjected him. “But, you’ll be back soon. Right?” You glanced at him. “It’s fine, you’re there to work anyways. I’ll see you back here, in Seoul, soon..” You spoke, voice slowly fading to a mumble. 

“I’m sorry __, I’ll make it up to you. I promise!” He blew you another kiss and got up from his seat. “You always promise..” you whispered. “What was that, babe?” Hoseok asked tilting his head to the side like a puppy. “Nothing special~ Happy Valentine’s, Hoseok-ah,” you spoke softly through a half-hearted smile. “Bye bye~” he grinned, and hung up the call.

No recollection of your 100th day anniversary. Not one I love you. No sense of contemplation. He was just too in love with his work as you were with him. But you couldn’t help stop loving such a passionate man even if his passion wasn’t you just yet.

Namjoon

To your surprise, your long time friend Kim Namjoon invited you out on a date. Not just any date at that; A date on Valentine’s Day. Many of the Bangtan boys hinted his admiration for you. You just refused to believe it yourself since he was you secret crush since highschool.  After being asked out on a date by the man himself, you felt a sudden confidence surge through you. 

A chime from your phone rang as you finished styling your hair. “Hey, I’m in the lobby. Take your time, just wanted you to know I’m already here. See you soon, beautiful -KNJ” You slipped on a pair of suede tan shoes to accompany your navy blue attire. As you head down to the lobby, you couldn’t help but grin the entire time. Stepping out of the elevator, you noticed him right away. He sat near the entryway on the wide wooden bench. The sun from outside shining behind him as if was his personal spotlight. He sat casually, one foot propped up on the bench with an elbow rested on its knee. The free hand behind him as he leaned his weight back. And like magic, his eyes locked on yours instantly as you made your way.  He got up to greet you, gingerly sticking his arm out for you to grab onto as he lead the way out. “And how are you this fine afternoon?” He asked as you both walked to his car, arm in arm. “I’m actually a bit .. nervous?” You truthfully explained. “Aw, it won’t be good if we’re both nervous now, won’t it? Let’s just both relax and enjoy our date,” he smiled opening the passenger side door of his car for you.

Instead of a cliche restaurant date, Namjoon took you to a little cafe holding free painting lessons for a Valentine’s date. “Hey, whichever drawing the teacher likes best wins ok?” Namjoon suggested. “Hah! Let’s do it! You know I studied oil panting, I don’t even think this will be a competition,” you provoked. “Oh, we’ll see,” he smirked.

As you went on to paint, you set your supplies across from Joon. Both your the backs of your canvases facing each other. The subject of your art piece was to paint your date. Portraits were nothing to you, it was your specialty per say. You began to work diligently, sketching Joon’s face first. His slim jawline, the sharp eyes that were taking in your features just as intently as you took in his. Full lips that you craved on yours. A small noses you often pressed with a little ‘boop’ to make him stop frowning. 

2 hours into the workshop, you two were finally done. “Ready to reveal our work to the teach?” You cocked up an eyebrow with confidence. “Alright,” he got up and grabbed his canvas, still showing you only the backside of it. “Can’t I see myself before you show her? I’m kinda ... worried how you painted me,” you tried to peer over the canvas, but he simply wrapped an arm around you and lead you to the teacher. As she looked at the two artworks very intently, you were sure you’d win. But, as she placed the two pieces back down in front of the two of you, you noticed that you were no match for Namjoon. He painted you as he saw you. Your lips the exact color of your favorite shade of coral. Your eyes almost shining like diamonds were placed in them. But what was so astonishing was the fact he painted you crying. 

“Uhm..” he broke your silence with a low tone. “I know it’s not how you looked at the moment,” he took your hands in his, “but every time I miss you, every time I close my eyes when we are apart, I always remember your tears,” he whispers. He brought one hand up to cup your cheek. You furrowed your brows in confusion. “My.. my tears? I get that we’ve known each other so long, and you’ve ... yea, you’ve witnessed me at my lowest, but .. why?” “Because I regret it. The day you were at your lowest. The day I lied to you. The moment I said I’d never love you like the way you loved me,” he gazed deep into your eyes. Your vision began to blur slightly as his painting was coming to life. Tears slowly rolling down your cheeks. “I’m sorry.” He wiped the tears away with his thumbs and peppered kisses on your forehead. “I love you, __ , I’ll make sure you’ll only cry from happiness from now on.” His soft lips pressing onto yours and you smiled into his kiss. “I love you, too, Kim Namjoon.”

Maknae Line

[ctbarbella]

My Top 3 Horror Movies Featuring Female Queer Representation

As seen in my bio, I am obsessed with horror and thriller movies. As someone who is apart of the LGBT community, it is always comforting to see LGBT representation in media, especially when its women. Recently, I have discovered many amazing movies that have featured this type of representation, and I would like to share them with anyone who is interested! Disclaimer: I do not own any of these movie trailers by any means, all credit goes to their respective owners. Mild spoilers ahead.

1) Fear Street Trilogy

Fear Street is a trilogy released by Netflix on July 2nd, July 9th, and July 16th in 2021. The story follows a group of teens who live in a town called ShadySide, which has been plagued by a curse for centuries. The teens try to break this curse and each movie goes back in time to the roots of the curse to show viewers where it all began. The first part is Fear Street 1994, the second part is Fear Street 1978, and the final part is Fear Street 1666.

Deena, who is the main protagonist, is shown in the beginning of the first movie going through a hard breakup with her ex, named Sam. Most viewers assumed that Sam was her ex-boyfriend. However, it was soon reviled that Sam was actually a girl, and Deena’s ex-girlfriend. Deena and Sam’s romance plays a big role in the plot of all three of the movies, especially in the last part. I loved the way their romance was shown on screen, and how it had a huge impact on what the movies were all about. Aside from that, the casting of these movies is phenomenal and the storyline in general is very intriguing. I highly recommend this movie to anyone who loves slasher movies, and is a fan of Goosebumps. These movies are based off of R. L. Stine’s Fear Street books, and he is also the novelist who wrote the Goosebumps franchise. These movies are rated R.

For more information about the representation in the Fear Street Trilogy, I linked a very good article here: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2021/07/18/fear-street-lgbt-queer-lesbian-gay/

2) The Perfection

The Perfection, was was released on May 24th, 2018 by Netflix, is another horror movie that not only features female queer representation, but is probably one of the most disturbing psychological horror movies I have ever seen. I love movies that make you have to rethink about what you just watched, keeping you at the edge of your seat until you reach the end with your mouth wide open, not fully grasping what you just watched. With so many unexpected twists in this movie, I had to watch it twice to really understand the whole thing and find things that I may have missed. However, that is not a complaint. I loved this movie, despite some of the backlash it got on it’s reviews.

The Perfection follows a woman named Charlotte, a cellist who had to leave her music school to care for her sick mother. Charlotte was the top of her class. When Charolette returns to find a new student, Lizzie, had taken her title as number one, both girls go down an evil and sinister path. The one spoiler I will give for this movie is that these two women have a connection between them that goes beyond a friendship.

I don’t have many words to describe how I felt while watching this movie, or even what I saw when watching this movie. It was a gory and trippy movie, but really good nonetheless. It is one of those movies where you really just have to watch it to understand. Alison Williams and Logan Browning, the two lead girls, do an amazing job with their roles and through their acting help to portray how disturbing the plot of the movie is. 

If you have a weak stomach, or are very cautious of triggers, I recommend looking into this movie more before watching it. If that doesn’t apply to you, and you are up for the challenge, then I recommend checking this movie out. This movie is not rated.

Here is an article featuring an interview of Allison Williams and Logan Browning talking about the queer representation in the film: https://www.advocate.com/film/2019/5/31/allison-williams-and-logan-brownings-gay-chemistry-perfection

3) What Keeps You Alive

I saved this movie for last because this was the first horror movie I ever watched that featured two female main characters that were not only in a relationship, but the focus of the movie. What Keeps You Alive is a Canadian horror film, released on March 10, 2018, that follows one of the most used horror movie storylines. A couple, Jules and Jackie, go on vacation in a secluded cabin in the woods to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Of course, if you know anything about horror movies and cabins in the woods, it never ends well.

What sets this movie aside from the other ones I reviewed is this romance is less of a romance because one of the main characters tries to kill her girlfriend. Despite this, the queerness of the film does not die out as the movie goes on, it only gets stronger which sets a huge statement for horror movies featuring queer characters. The movie did not use the characters gayness as a weapon, or a tool to lure in their victims, which is something that happens more times than not in movies that feature queer killers.

This movie is a classic slasher movie, and a classic movie about love turning into betrayal. However, that simplicity tied with the LGBT representation this movie has is the reason why I loved watching it. I love classic horror movies, and it was really cool to be able to watch a modern horror film include aspects of typical slasher movies in the past. This movie is rated R.

For a more in depth review of this movie that talks about the plot and the queer representation, you can click on the article linked here: https://www.polygon.com/2018/8/24/17778170/what-keeps-you-alive-horror-movie-review

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or currently experiencing?

“I don’t know how to word it. It’s like not being trapped in my head so much, if that makes sense. I would have to say, the bullying that I experienced growing up in middle school and high school and from my father. It was like a never-ending cycle of bullying. Back in the day, when I was in middle school, high school, social media was not as prevalent as it is today. You would expect that when you got back to your own home, it would be a safe place. You might’ve had a rough day at school, but you would expect to go home and feel safe at home with your family. But for me, I’d go to school and get bullied, and then I’d go home and get bullied by my father. It was a never-ending cycle. So actually these past two years I’d consider my recovery from being trapped in my head with my therapist. He really helped me with understanding certain behaviors, such as why I would avoid people. When I would come home on break from college and I would see kids from my high school and middle school, and even though they weren’t the ones that were directly bullying me, they were still associated with that time in my life that I wanted to forget. It’s been a challenge get out of your head, because it can be a safe and also a very dark place. It was a very dark place because I believed everything people were telling me and my father would say, so I had zero self-confidence, about things like my body, my ability to make friends, my ability to find love, my ability to understand myself and accept myself. So I would say in my heart the most challenging thing is bullying, and getting over that.”

How would you say that the bullying impacted you and your later years?

“That’s actually what I would like to do going forward in life. When I get my masters in social work, I would want to work with schools, and educate people on the long-standing effects of bullying. I feel like schools nowadays are getting better at responding appropriately. Where back in the day when I was in middle school and high school it was just like, ‘kids will be kids.’ That was the message I got a lot of the time, and it was just awful. I think people don’t realize the severity of how awful bullying can be, especially now with all those platforms where people can take a quick picture and you don’t even know it and they can post it on the internet.

“Bullying impacted me so that I was afraid to like make friends. I didn’t feel like I could ever make friends. I was very overweight growing up, I had awful acne (like most teenagers), and I was very closeted for most of the time, so I was very socially awkward. I just could not make friends, or I couldn’t keep friends because I was so desperate for friendship. I would do a lot of very embarrassing stuff that people would tell me, ‘oh yeah if you do this, we’ll be friends.’ And I would do it, but then they wouldn’t be my friend, so it was just, the lowest self-esteem I could imagine. I was told I’d never find a guy who will love me or I’d never find someone who will want to be with me, and I was really believing that. Whenever a guy would approach me, I just pushed him away, because I told myself it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t last. It was the same with people throughout college, where I had my core group that I was able to open up with because I felt safe with them.

“But, even during the entire time I didn’t have any reason to believe that they weren’t my friend, but my mind would get me to think, they’re probably talking bad about me behind my back, because that happened to me a lot growing up. So it was a repeated cycle of self-sabotage. I like really believed what people were saying, especially with my father. He really had an issue around some of my femininity, because he’s really stuck in those ways and that mindset that what makes a man a man, like masculine, the features, the masculine duties that people do, like knowing stuff about cars knowing how to fix stuff with your hands. I don’t know that stuff. But that’s what my dad perceives as what makes a man. I was into theater, into pop music, and Broadway, and that stuff. So I had a really hard time accepting that part of myself, accepting the femininity, and understanding that gender is very fluid. It’s not like you’re just masculine, or you’re just feminine, or you’re just a boy or a girl. It’s understanding those and accepting your whole self, if that makes sense. I think that’s what really impacted me. I have to say these past two years with therapy have really been my recovery. So I struggled until these past two years, and that’s also when I started getting on anxiety meds.”

Were there low points along the way? Low points where you were isolated and depressed or contemplating suicide?

“Yes to pretty much all. I developed an eating disorder back in 2012. It was mainly around my weight, because I was closing on 200 pounds. It was the heaviest I ever was in my life. It was because I was eating my feelings pretty much. I was so sad, I would eat super late, I would eat the worst foods. I was also in college so I was broke. So there were many reasons that I was eating shitty, but most of it was because I was just not happy. Even realizing you have all these friends, you have grown so much, but it’s that mask, you just can’t re-see it. You still see yourself as that low kid you used to be. I think what happened with the eating disorder was just that I wanted to be in control for once. I felt so out of control. All this shit was happening. I think being able to control the eating gave me some sense of control in my life, even though it was not in a healthy way. I don’t regret the eating disorder, because it was something I needed to control even though it was really hurting me. I think everything happens for a reason. And it’s led me to where I am now. This past year has been my recovery from the eating disorder. These two years have been with therapy and understanding my mind and understanding my PTSD, the depression and anxiety aspects to that. This past year has been really concentrating on having a better relationship with food and understanding my body more.

“I never had a suicide attempt, but I’ve definitely contemplated it. I definitely had a lot of suicide ideation growing up, every day in middle school, and it was mainly around if I were to die, no one would miss me. Now I’m able to realize that a lot of people would miss me, and I’ve made that big change. I still think about it sometimes, like when I’m really experiencing my low phases. It’s a cycle still. But it’s improving, and I’m able to get myself out of that mindset a lot quicker than I used to. Now I’m able to quickly make that change. I’ve developed a lot of coping skills to get out of that mindset. I had a lot of depression growing up, and I was told I had generalized anxiety disorder for the longest time, and that’s what led me to go to therapy, because I realized I don’t just have that.

“There’s something else that crept right up on it. And then I was finally able to realize the PTSD was really affecting me. It’s been something that I’ve been trying to really educate my family about. When people hear PTSD they think of soldiers, and they don’t really think that there are so many other ways you can have PTSD. Mine is really around the bullying. I want to educate people on the fact that there are so many factors in these diagnoses, and it’s not just that one thing that you hear in the news all the time

“It’s the same thing with eating disorders; a lot of times you hear about an eating disorder and you think about females, because it’s so prevalent in like the modeling industry and everything, and it’s always in the news. People don’t really think about males having eating disorders. In this society they think that women care more about their bodies than men do, but that’s totally false. I mean women do, but men are still told that they have to be these jacked, big, strong, masculine jewels, and if you’re—people still discriminate around weight with men just as much as they do with women. That’s where a big part of the eating disorder came in because, although I love the fact that I love my community, I love the LGBT community, I love who I am, but it can be a little bit vain at times. I felt like when I was at my heaviest that people weren’t as—I don’t know how to phrase it—I felt more excluded from the community than where I’m at now. I love the body I have now. I’m really developing a positive relationship with my body, where I’m able to be more comfortable with wearing less clothing, or if I want to be at a beach, but I’ll always be that person I was when I was heavy. It’s just that my body looks different now. There were a lot of factors that went into my recovery and my story.”

You mentioned that sort of the anxiety led you to seek therapy. Was there a low point that you realized, ‘Wait a minute, I can’t continue to live like this? I need to something about this.’

“I sought counseling a little bit in my college, in my senior year. It was offered for free for students at my college. And it helped, but I just didn’t feel that good connection with the therapist, so I was talking with my mom, who I’m very close with, and she told me she would be willing to pay the co-pays for me to go to therapy. There were suicide attempts in my family. (I won’t say who.) So I think my mom was really scared when I was telling her I was feeling very low and very depressed, and I needed help. I didn’t know what to do. All I do is come home, I work, I come home and I hibernate in my room pretty much. I was not socializing. I felt very disconnected from my family, particularly my father. I was just so trapped in my head. I was not on meds at that time. So my anxiety was just through the roof. I’d misplace the littlest of things, like maybe I misplaced my iPod, and it would be a crisis for me. I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to be able to control myself. And I could not. I failed so many job interviews because I would have a panic attack in the interview. I remember I interviewed for a DCF in Springfield. That was my first job interview out of undergrad and the simplest of questions: ‘What do you know about DCF?’ And I was in my mindset ‘stand up, get up, walk out.’ That was just how my mindset was. I was so anxious and I just could not manage a simple question. This is bad, like I need to change.

“My mom actually found my therapist, who ended up being the best therapist I ever met in my life. He is outstanding, and he’s helped me so much with understanding my own mind and realizing that I am just like everyone else. That was the big thing. I just felt so different, because I felt like no one else knew what I was going through, even though a lot of people go through the same thing. A lot of times when people talk about being trapped in their head and what goes on in their head, people are scared to put it out there. They’ll feel crazy, or they’ll feel like, I don’t know, people might think I’m a little nuts, but it’s normal for people to have those kinds of thoughts and go to those really dark places. Being able to be so open with that with my friends has been so amazing, and understanding that other people have that same experience. So I think that being able to open up to that to my mom and my mom being able to be like, ‘Well, I know you’re struggling with money right now, so I’ll co-pay for therapy,’ that was a big tipping point for me, just having my mom on my side and  have someone to back you up.”

Sounds like support plays an important role, would you agree?

“Yeah, and I think just wanting to get better. That was my big breaking point. My weight was also getting really bad. I was also looking at outpatient rehabilitation for eating disorders, and I was looking at a place in Amherst, I forget the name, but that was also a big point because I wanted to get help around my eating disorder. I was like taking in like 1000 calories a day and then I would go to the gym and purposefully burn like 700-plus calories and then I’d go home and ride the stationary bike and then I’d go to bed and you burn calories in your sleep. So I’d wake up in the morning and I’d be in so much pain, to the point where I’d have to be hunched over because it was in my groin area it felt so empty, and I felt a really sharp pain all the time, and I would be scared to even eat a piece of gum. It was just another five calories, I can’t do that. That will make me fat. So it was like, being in that place and just knowing that a lot of my family was getting nervous. It’s like, you don’t look healthy, you look like a rail, pretty much. And I think, just wanting to get better, developing a better nutritional diet, I was able to line up a nutritionist, and I was able to line up a therapist. I ended up not going to the rehabilitation place, because I was able to get that treatment through my therapy. And just my own, resilient self, I guess, I was able to develop that better sense of relationship with food on my own, but also with therapy and friends and everything.”

There are a couple things I want to come back to. You mentioned experiencing panic attacks resulting from your PTSD trauma being bullied. How did you work through panic attacks when they would happen?

“I realized I had panic attacks growing up and didn’t think anything of it, so I was actually just thinking about that recently with my therapist. I thought, ‘Oh my God, I’ve had panic attacks almost like my whole life,’ but I could never put a name to it, so I thought it was me being out of control and weird and all that stuff. When I first realized it was a legit panic attack was recently. Up until a few months ago, they started cutting back, and it was around my break up. We started really going through the trauma narrative in therapy, so I was reliving some of my trauma. So it was a really scary, vulnerable place. There was a time with the body dysmorphia, that I also have on top of my eating disorder, and the mask was lifted like momentarily where I was able to really see myself and see the definition and my body. Normally I would still look at myself and even though all my friends would be like, ‘You’re fit, you’re in shape, you eat healthy. You can treat yourself to ice cream once in a while. You’re not going to gain the weight that quick.’ And I finally reached the place where I was able to see myself in the mirror, and I was like, ‘Oh my God, I’m not who I think I am in my head. This is who I am.’ It was scary and I felt myself go to the back of my brain, and then I had my panic attack because I saw my reflection. I basically have been developing my own coping skills around doing deep breathing in those moments. I also call my friend Rosa, who I’m going to be living with. Sometimes, I just say, ‘I’m having a rough night. Could you please talk to me?’ And she talks to me and she’ll stay on the phone for hours. Or I’ll just call her and be like, ‘I’m having a rough night. I can’t talk about it. Can you just distract me?’ And she’ll just talk about random stuff. Really reaching out for that support has been amazing for me, and then also being able to distract myself in those moments. I’ll listen to music. That’s incredibly therapeutic for me. I love to dance, so I’ll dance. I’ll have my own little dance party of one in my room. Or I’ll just watch TV shows and movies; that’s also been very therapeutic for me. Just trying in that moment to remind myself, you have your support group, you have a lot going for you right now. You’re not the same kid you were years ago where you felt so lost. You really put in the work. Trying to remind myself of all that I’ve accomplished. I think sometimes when you get really low, you just completely forget all the good things in your life. You’re just so focused on the bad. I think that’s been really helping me with the panic attacks and understanding what they are now. That was a big help for me, because I thought, ‘Okay, so that’s what it has been my whole life because I didn’t know what they were and I didn’t know how to control them. I felt so out of control in my body when that happened.’ Also working with the demographic that I worked with, working with that population also helped a lot. I would see my kids I worked with have panic attacks and I’d be able to see my kids also who have PTSD. Just seeing their behaviors and understanding them was making me look within myself when I was a kid and think, ‘Oh my God, I did the exact same thing when I was a kid.’ And understanding where their behaviors are coming from and being able to relate that to myself also and share that with them has been very therapeutic.”

Did you (or do you still) find it difficult to reach out for help when you hit some of those rough patches?

“Not anymore, because I’ve really developed an amazing support group. I know that the people I reach out to are not going to judge me. That’s really the mindset that I’m in now. I used to always worry that they would judge me because of the poor friendships I had growing up. But just knowing that my friends that I reach out to, even aside from my roommates, I mean I’m very grateful to have an amazing group of friends now that I’m not afraid to reach out to. In the past I would not reach out to people, except for my mom. But back then, my mom, just like myself, didn’t know what was wrong with me. We didn’t know what was happening, so my mom tried her best, but she just didn’t know what to say or how to react. But now, my mom asks me questions so she wants to know how to handle it, because there are other relatives in my family who have mental health, mental illness. And also because I’m a social worker now, my mom is always asking questions. But it was very difficult for me in the past, because I really didn’t have many people to reach out to. I did I have my friend Dave, who I have been friends with since sixth grade, but he lived 30 minutes away. So when you were kids, your parents worked, so you couldn’t ask your parents to drive 30 minutes to see my friend. We could only see each other once in a while, like an over-the-phone friendship. And that was enough for me too, just having that companion. You can’t put all your stock in one person. He was my safe place growing up, but we went to different high schools, we went to different middle schools. We didn’t get to hang out as much, so he could only do so much. But now I have a huge network of friends.”

Have you found that sharing who you are and where you’ve been and some of your experiences has created meaningful, deeper connections in your life? It sounds like that may have been what it has cultivated, support . . .

“There was a moment in my senior year in college, when I was home on a break, I was in such a low space—but it was also interesting because though I was still in that low mindset, I had the most friends I’d ever had in my life at that point. And like they were good, healthy friendships so it was interesting look back because I had what I had always wanted. I had a core group—but I was still so low. It wasn’t until I really came back from break and we got all together, that I was able to sit down with them and talk about our break, and I told them I was in a really low place this past break and I was thinking a lot about suicide. And I only said, ‘I don’t think I would ever attempt suicide because I don’t want to not be here. I want to get better.’ But I always had those thoughts in the back of my head, and I felt so vulnerable telling my friends that, and then my friends were like, ‘We’ve been there.’ So that was when I thought, ‘Okay, so I can start telling people a little bit about what goes on in my head and how I really feel,’ because you can put all these happy images of yourself on your social media and you can seem like you have it all together and really deep, deep down you’re like a mess. It was nice to know with those friends that they were really able to relate to me. You can feel that you’re not alone. Two friends I’m going to be living with now are outstanding. We talk openly. We’re freaking nervous as hell about this move to a different state. It’s been great to be able to be more of my authentic self and be more who I really am.”

That takes courage. But it sounds like, by putting yourself out there and sharing who you are and where you’ve been, others are encouraged to do the same. That creates this vibe of authenticity between you and your friends, the people in your life, which I think is such an important space to be in.

“Yeah, my friends are my family. I love my family of blood, but I definitely feel safer with my friends. I think it’s going to be great because they live in Boston. I’m not going to be far from Boston where I’m moving now. So it’s like I’m going to be closer to them. I think building that good, safe place among your friends could open many doors for them. Having that friendship done a lot for me, and I hope it’s done a lot for them too.”

What are some of the things you’ve learned about yourself over the last couple of years and in your recovery?

“I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. A big like wake-up call was this past summer, when I joined the gay men’s volleyball league in Northampton, Dunes Boys. I was so terrified to ever interact with men, especially gay men, because I was so nervous about how to talk to them and how to put myself out there. I didn’t really have much experience interacting with gay men, and I had a very limited amount of gay friends in my life, so it can be scary to walk in on a group of people who have probably been going in to this volleyball for like five, six, or seven years. There were about 45 gay men there and I knew only one person, my friend who got me to join the volleyball team. But I still went every week and pushed myself to go, but I didn’t go the first two weeks because I was terrified. And then my friend was like, ‘You need to freaking go.’

“So I finally went, and it’s been outstanding. It’s been so rewarding, and I’ve met so many great friends. A couple of them are going to help me move tomorrow. So it’s been a really therapeutic big part of my summer and my life, these past three months, and it was what I looked forward to the most every week—just going to play volleyball for three hours, go to the brewery to grab a couple of drinks with people and talk. It’s been amazing because I didn’t really have that outlet to really talk about guys, you know when you get together with a couple of friends and you could just talk about guys. Talk about sex and talk about life in general. You know I have a lot of girlfriends that I love them and I could talk about guys with them, but it’s not the same. It’s been great knowing that I have the confidence that if I want to walk up to a guy and be like, ‘Hey, I’m Cale. How’s your day?’ That kind of stuff. I think how resilient and strong I am, and how I am a likeable person and that I’ll be fine. It’s also great knowing that I always have friends in this area. That was the big thing in the beginning, when I first told my friend I was going to move in with her, I was ready to be like, “Fuck you, Easthampton. I’m done with Western Mass.’ I hate this place because of so many bad memories. Since I’ve been playing volleyball, I’ve been invited to so many parties and gatherings and ‘Hey, I’m going to the mall. You want to come with me?’ I didn’t have that before. I had a couple of friends, my main crew of friends in this area, but they were about three people, and they’ve been my rock for so long. But you can’t rely on the same people all the time because we’re adults. My friends can’t be by my side every second of the day. You have to learn to be by yourself. I can learn to enjoy my ‘me’ time again and that my ‘me’ doesn’t mean I’m lonely. For a long time, I associated being by myself with being lonely and not having friends. I couldn’t be by myself. And the people I’ve made friends with here over the summer at volleyball are still going to be my friends when I’m away. So I think I’m just learning who I am, day by day. And just figuring my life out and knowing I’m going to be okay. I think that’s the main thing I’ve learned.”

What message would you offer to your younger self, say 9 or 12, who’s getting bullied?

“Some of the bullies will eventually message you and apologize. That is what has happened. I think in social work, it really helped me a lot in understanding why people act the way they do when they’re growing up. It taught me so much about my behaviors. Why I acted certain ways to people. I mean, I myself was a bully a little bit growing up too. I had my moments when I was a bully. I never in a million years thought I would be in shape and be physically fit and be confident. That’s what I never thought. I thought I’m just going to be this mess of a person my whole life. And just realizing that you really put in the hard work, which I did—granted, how I lost the weight was not healthy—but I’ve been able to keep my weight these past year and a half. I don’t know how to phrase it. Like basically just don’t give up. Keep pushing. If you really put in the effort you can get what you want. I put in the hard work at the gym and it’s paid off. I’ve put in the hard work in therapy and it’s paid off. I’ve put myself out there by joining clubs in college, by joining volleyball, and putting myself out there with my colleagues at work. I’ve made amazing life-long friendships with people. Just know that middle school and high school is only a portion of life. It sucks. It’s a long eight years, but that’s all it is . . . eight years. It’s a long time, but it’s not your whole life, and that’s why I went to college. Not the ones in this area.

“I went to the ones in North Adams because I wanted to get away, and that was the best decision I ever made. There was no one from my middle school or high school there. It was a fresh clean slate, and it was the most accepting college campus I could ever imagine. And it was the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts, so I do want to give them a plug. It’s the most accepting student body I’ve ever met in my life. They were amazing. It gets better. I mean that’s pretty much what it is. It’s one of our Trevor Projects Slogans, but it’s true. This one quote I saw perfectly resonates with me: ‘A bad day is not a bad life.’ So don’t let those eight years, as shitty as they were, define your entire life the way I did. I lived in the past for so long. I could not escape the past. And now when I finally, you know see people from my middle school and high school, Now I can walk up to them and be like, ‘Hey, how are you? Hope everything has been well,’ whereas before, I would dodge them. Easthampton is a very small community, so you can’t really dodge people. But I did it for so long. I didn’t interact with anyone because I didn’t want them to see how low I still was. People will eventually realize who you really are. Because the people, my bullies growing up probably had their own troubles. I wasn’t able to realize that back then, back in the day. I just thought they were assholes. Some of them are just assholes, but everyone has their struggles, and sometimes people just don’t know how to express themselves in a healthy way. It will all work out in the end. That’s pretty much it.”

It sounds like being uncomfortable is part of the process. You mentioned being sort of nervous about joining the volleyball league, and even going to therapy and being willing to confront things you know were painful Would you say that has been part of the process, sort of having to move through what’s uncomfortable?

“Totally. I lost out on a lot of opportunities in college because of my anxiety. I’ve always been a theater kid, I’ve always loved theater. I’ve always loved music, I just love everything about it, but I didn’t allow myself to do it in college. That is one thing I wish I did, because it’s an amazing outlet for me. And ever since I graduated I really wanted to push myself to put myself out there more, to go to more clubs and dance and not care if people see you. Or go out to join this volleyball league and make friends. So it’s putting myself in those positions that make me uncomfortable and make me like me feel vulnerable, as scary as they are, that has really led me to more happiness. I went to Bloke a couple of days before I joined volleyball and I went, you know, I didn’t ‘pregame’ before, you know, I didn’t have my liquid courage before I went to Bloke. I went in totally sober and I immediately thought, ‘It’s bad.’ I went up to the bar, grabbed a drink, and went out to the porch. I had to do deep breathing because it was so scary for me to be there. And thankfully one of my volleyball friends was there, and he walked right up to me and said, ‘Are you okay?’ I said, ‘I just need to calm down. This is huge for me to be going here.’ But I met a couple of guys I eventually saw at volleyball, so it was nice having other people I knew briefly. That’s a perfect example for me. I wouldn’t have met those other guys before I went to volleyball, and I wouldn’t have been able to notice that I can put myself out there and can make more friends, and some guys might be attracted to me. There are some guys talking to me that night, and it felt nice to be noticed. So really just putting myself in those situations. It took a couple of weeks into volleyball, but eventually I was walking up to guys I didn’t know and introducing myself, ‘Hey, I’m Cale. I’m on your team today. How are you?’ Just like knowing now that sometimes you have to make yourself feel vulnerable, as scary as it is. It will lead to better things.”

Vulnerability is huge. It’s something we are often very afraid of because we think being vulnerable means you’re going to be hurt, you’re going to be susceptible to people taking advantage of you, or it somehow means you are weak; but I think being vulnerable gives other people the opportunity to also be vulnerable, and then go to those parties and be open and willing to receive beautiful things.

“I realized that I thought, when I was younger, that being vulnerable meant you are weak, when being vulnerable means you are strong, because you are putting yourself out there. And you’re putting yourself out there to what may come your way. You might get hurt along the way. You might end up finding better things. It’s just scary because it’s the unknown. When you put yourself out there, you don’t know what’s going to happen. And thankfully I would say for the most part, I had a lot of great experiences these past couple of months and this past year by putting myself out there more. In my senior year of college, my group of about ten friends knew how much I loved to dance, and they went to my audition to join, it was a club on my college campus called Dance Company, and you had to perform on a stage. I hadn’t performed on a stage in almost four years, because I was too afraid to. So like all the other people that auditioned for the club, everyone would be accepted, so you just had to go to the audition. And no one else had this big group of people cheering them on. I was approached right after the audition by two girls who said, ‘We want you in our piece.’ And it was ballet and I’d never done ballet and I was super nervous because that’s like the most intense form of dancing. How am I going to do that? And I ended up doing it. It was terrifying, and I almost cried before going on stage because one of my close friends, Michaela, who was in Dance Company with me, was in one of my dances; and just being able to share that with her and her encouraging me the entire time, saying, ‘Don’t give up, don’t give up. You got this.’ I’d never thought I’d ever be on a stage again. And it felt really good. The same group of people who supported me at the audition was there in the crowd too. It led to great things. I’m still nervous on stage, but I’m less nervous now. And I think also with my job that I just ended with the CH New Hampshire Continuum, I had to speak openly in large meetings, and I had to interact with all different kinds of youth and families. Just being able to believe in your abilities to help these kids taught me confidence. And me being more assertive and not being a doormat. I was a doormat growing up. It was being able to realize your worth. I think that’s been huge.”

Would you say that your past has inspired your future? You mention that your social worker was that. Did that inspire you?

“Definitely. I was a sociology major in college and I signed up for a random social work class because I had to fill credits. Within the first day, I realized this is what I need to do. Because I was able to look at myself and see that I was the scapegoat in my family. I was able to really look at my past and put some pieces together. I was finishing the puzzle. And it definitely led me to my current career. After my freshman year, my mom and my middle sister picked me up from school, and they told me that one of my family members attempted suicide. Thankfully, she was found. So she was still alive. I think that was another big wake-up call for me, knowing that I wanted to help people, because it was someone in my own family. I was about eighteen at that point, and I never would’ve thought she was incredibly depressed and feeling alone. So it was just by knowing that, and then by doing my own classes in social work, that I was able to realize that this is what I should be doing.”

Has there been piece of advice or quote or a song lyric that resonated with you that you would like to share?

Beside the ‘it’s just a bad day not a bad life,’ there are so many quotes I love. But that was one that has really resonated with me, because I felt like that’s what I focused on a lot growing up. Just trying to explain to yourself, it’s just a bad day, you’ll have a fresh start tomorrow. That was a big thing for me. There are a couple of artists out there that like Sia, Demi Lovato, who speak very openly about mental health. I think that because I’m so in tuned with music, when those artists make songs that clearly come from personal places for them, you can listen to the music and it could be your own little story too. You could take it into your own. So I don’t have specific lyrics off the top of my head right now, but I know a lot of the music from those artists has really helped me.”

What inspired you to connect with me to do this interview today?

“We have a mutual friend, and he told me about your project. I looked into your project on Facebook, and I really enjoyed the work you did. I reached out to my friend and was like, ‘Is it okay if I reach out to him?’ It’s nice to know, by reading through all your stories and reading through all the work you do, that someone understands, like your story, or could understand your story. You didn’t know my story at that time, but knowing there is someone out there doing good work and bringing more awareness to a population that needs so much more resources. I feel like, with mental health and mental illness, there are so many people out there that are so lost. They need a lot more resources. I really enjoyed the work you did, and my friend spoke great about you, so I think that led me to be less nervous to message and be like, ‘You don’t know me, but can we meet up sometime and share our stories?’ Having someone you can talk to that can understand your story was the biggest selling point for me. It just felt less random than messaging you, even like knowing a mutual friend.”

Sounds like you sensed a capacity for empathy. You feel comfortable?

“Yeah, because when you meet someone for the first time, telling your story is vulnerable. You don’t know how the person is going to react, but the fact that you work in the field made me think there’s a pretty good chance he’s not going to be a judge-y person. I would hope if you’re in the mental health field you’re not judge-y. So just knowing you’re in the same field was a big point, it was more of a secure place.”

And how has it felt to share these thoughts, feelings, and experiences?

“I’m so much more open about it now. So it’s just part of my story. It’s part of my past, and I’ve accepted it. This wasn’t scary at all. It felt personal, and I like that personal connection. And I mean, I’ve shared my story with all my kids, with my friends, and with my therapist, so I think it’s lost a good deal of vulnerability, and in a good way. It’s just me talking about my life, instead of before—when I would first tell my story to people I would shake. I would shake and I’d be so nervous, my heart would be racing. But it’s been a good experience.”

Do you think it’s possible that sharing your story might potentially inspire or bring hope to someone else out there who can relate?

“I would hope so. I think with social media platform that there is today, there are good benefits, but also, as I mentioned earlier, it could lead to you know people getting bullied. I think it’s therapeutic for me to put it out there. But I would hope that if someone were to read it, maybe they would feel more of a desire to put their story out there. It just helps to know you’re not alone. I know that my sharing some of my story with my clients has really helped them develop a trust with me. A lot of my kids have reactive attachment disorder, and a lot them have their own trauma, so opening themselves up to trust a total stranger (which is what I was when I first joined their case) is hard at first; but by using my peer mentor role and my outreach worker role and developing the healthy sense of boundaries, I was able to share parts of my story with them, so they were able to realize that may not be my provider but he’s been through similar things that I’ve been through. We all have our own stories, and that’s how I would always phrase it to them: I have my story and you have your story, I could never take your story away from you. But I can relate to certain aspects of it. I had a couple of kids with PTSD and told them I have PTSD too. And just encouraging them and motivating them to be like, don’t let your diagnosis define your whole existence. I’m not just Cale with PTSD, I have so much more about me. And you know, I went to college, I graduated with honors, I have my degree, I have my job, I’m getting my first apartment; so it’s being able to tell them there is so much more to life than your diagnosis. It doesn’t define you. It doesn’t mean you’re disabled. Sometimes, when they hear ‘disability,’ they think you’re handicapped, so I say, ‘No, you’re not.’ So I hope that I am able to reach out to kids, and that this is a different platform, so I think I would have the same outcome.”

[beckettsthoughts]

any/all of the trans journey questions you like but haven't already answered!!!

Thank you so much, anon! I’ve already answered a few, so I’ll go through the other questions I like from the list. There’s only a couple I missed out because they didn’t quite grab my interest in the same way, so here is (almost) everything about my trans journey.

1. How did you choose your name?

Well, I made a list of names I liked on Google docs, spent a few weeks thinking through each option, and somehow landed on the one closest to my birthname. In the meantime I discovered I have a serious affinity for names ending in -t or -tt. All of my options fit that pattern, as does my chosen middle name.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

Social, for sure. I don’t really get much body dysphoria at all, and while my social dysphoria can be body-related, it’s more about how other people perceive my body than the problems I have with it. My body problems are (almost entirely) unrelated to my trans identity.

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

You know how most people think of themselves as men or women, boys or girls, male or female? I don’t. That’s literally it. I don’t, I can’t, think of myself as male or female.

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I actually think I came out “officially” when I asked my mother

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

I wear a binder on and off throughout the week! I can wear it more often now because my class hours are shorter at university. I wear it most days, now, at least for the bulk of the day, but it depends on what I’m wearing. I’m actually super excited because I have a new binder arriving in the post next week, which will be a nice break from my two-year-old current binder and also means I can alternate between them.

12. Do you pass?

I don’t even know how passing as non-binary would be quantified, so no. Most people assume I’m a butch lesbian, actually, so while they’re not quite on the money at least they don’t peg me as straight?

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

When I first came out as non-binary I used she/they pronouns and identified as a demigirl. I really only used that label because my issues with self-doubt were far more pervasive back then. After a short while I switched entirely to using they/them, changed my name and nickname and identified as agender, which has been about two years of my life now.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

I’m not super bothered about pronouns, or at least I wasn’t at the beginning, but she/her feel really grating to me and I’ve never felt any particular connection to he/him either. I looked at neo-pronouns and found they didn’t suit me, but I liked they/them from the start and I’m still confident with those pronouns now.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?

Yeah. To be honest, I don’t know if I would be non-binary if I weren’t autistic. My neurodivergence has such a fundamental impact on my perception of the world, especially when it comes to vague societal concepts such as gender. I don’t know if I’d be aro/ace either. That said, I really can’t imagine being any different, and I’m perfectly happy being non-binary and aro/ace despite how difficult both identities can be sometimes.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

Not many! I may like to dress in ways that appear “androgynous”, use a “unisex” name and they/them pronouns, but most people who know me don’t actually know that. They can see my androgynous style, yeah, but I don’t make a habit of correcting people or coming out so I haven’t socially transitioned much at all outside of my friendship group. All of my social media is listed under Beckett and specifies they/them pronouns, but unless people ask me about it then it’s not something I really mention. I’m trying to get better and be more confident about it, but having just moved to a whole new place I found coming out to every single person and having to answer questions about it to be way too tiring for me to handle right now.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

Honestly? Pretty much the same. I might have a different haircut, and probably a different hair colour, but I’m happy with my identity and presentation right now and I can’t see myself changing anything in the near future.

I’ll probably legally change my name, though. 

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

While I spend most of my time in an “androgynous”/“unisex” style, I sometimes present myself as feminine. Not often though, because as much as I sometimes enjoy it, the prospect of people assuming I’m a girl and thinking of me as a woman is not one that makes me feel comfortable in the slightest. I hate it because I know that no matter how many days, weeks, or months people see me solely in my androgynous style, the one time they see me dress more feminine they’re going to immediately realign their idea of me to “a girl”. Mostly, I only present feminine around my close friends because I trust them not to change their opinion of me because of it. 

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

I’d describe myself as a “neither”, to be honest.

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am aro/ace, and while I have many complex thoughts on the nature of this identity, I have developed a strong fear of expressing them because of the ever-looming threat of discourse. Sorry, but if you want any nuanced discussion about my aro/ace identity then it will have to be in a private ask or in messenger, I’m not enough of a masochist to discuss it out in the open anymore.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

Being aro/ace as previously mentioned, I don’t really have an ideal romantic partner. My ideal platonic partner however, would probably be trans/non-binary. Which is pretty sweet, because my ideal platonic partner exists, and he is my platonic partner. We’re pretty much soulmates, actually.  

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

Definitely Tumblr, but my friends and various IRL LGBT+ groups have also contributed over the years.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mentioned my platonic soulmate, right? Also, like, all my other close friends. It’s a solid yes, from me.

[silvermoon424]

The Sailor Moon paper I wrote for my gender studies class

Last week, I mentioned the presentation I did on Sailor Moon for my gender studies class, and how my professor was so impressed by Sailor Moon’s themes that she told me she wants to show it to her kids. Anyway, I promised that I would post the paper the presentation focused on once I finished writing it, so here it is!

I drew quite a bit from a previous paper I wrote on Sailor Moon, but I also included a lot of new things. Particularly, I added sections on how femininity is often negatively portrayed in the media, Haruka’s gender nonconformity in the manga, and the presence of the Outer family.

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon

It seems as though more and more frequently, the lack of female-centric media is being called into question. It appears as though the majority of movies, tv shows, and other media feature a male protagonist, with female characters being relegated to the sidelines. Even if there is a female protagonist, it often feels like she doesn’t get to develop strong relationships with other female characters. The lack of deep female relationships and overall female representation in media is indeed unacceptable; the same can be said for the lack of representation regarding LGBT people. However, I feel as though we should praise a particular series that not only delivers on those things, but proves that doing so can lead to massive success. It’s called Sailor Moon (known as Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon in its native country of Japan), an anime (cartoon) and manga (comic book) series aimed at girls. Sailor Moon is so impressive because it provides positive portrayals of femininity, female relationships (both platonic and romantic), gender nonconformity, and even non-traditional families.

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, which means “Beautiful Soldier Sailor Moon” in Japanese, was created by a female Japanese mangaka, or manga artist, named Naoko Takeuchi. The manga debuted in the girls’ magazine Nakayoshi on December 28, 1991 and ended on February 3, 1997; the animated adaptation premiered on March 7, 1992 and ended February 8, 1997. From the very beginning, Sailor Moon was a smash hit; originally intended to only consist of a single arc, its popularity caused Takeuchi to expand it to five arcs. In addition to the original anime and manga, Sailor Moon’s enormous popularity has resulted in, as of 2017: A series of stage musicals, 31 in all; three movies with theatrical releases; a live-action series that comprised of 52 episodes; numerous rereleases of the manga and anime; many video game spinoffs; many foreign-language dubs; and finally, a new, updated anime reboot entitled Sailor Moon Crystal that is ongoing.

Sailor Moon revolves around an ordinary 14-year-old girl named Usagi Tsukino who befriends Luna, a mysterious talking cat who gives her a magical brooch. After saying a transformation phrase, the brooch enables her to transform into Sailor Moon, a beautiful soldier who fights against evil and protects good. Usagi and Luna must work together to find both the Legendary Silver Crystal, an artifact of enormous power that the antagonists are also searching for so they can conquer the world, and the missing Moon Princess, who can use the Silver Crystal for the sake of good as her birthright.

Along the way, Usagi makes friends and allies who assist her in her mission. The first is the studious and shy Ami Mizuno, who becomes Sailor Mercury. The two later meet a fiery shrine maiden named Rei Hino, who awakens as Sailor Mars. After a period of the three fighting alone, they meet the strong yet sensitive transfer student named Makoto Kino, who becomes Sailor Jupiter. Finally, they encounter a bubbly aspiring idol singer named Minako Aino, who had already awoken as Sailor Venus and later joins the team with her own cat, Artemis. Together, they’re known as the Sailor Soldiers (or Sailor Scouts, popularized by the English dub of the series). Usagi also meets and falls in love with Mamoru Chiba, a high-school student who assists the Sailor Soldiers as the mysterious Tuxedo Mask. It’s eventually revealed that Usagi herself is the reborn Moon Princess, Serenity, and Mamoru is her lover from her past life, Endymion.

The series goes on for four more arcs, although the basic premise of the Sailor Soldiers fighting against evil always remains. Within the second and third story arcs, five more Sailor Soldiers are introduced. Chibiusa, Sailor Moon’s daughter from the distant future who travelled back to the past in order to train alongside her mother’s past self as Sailor Chibi (which means “small”) Moon; world-class violinist and artist Michiru Kaioh, who can transform into Sailor Neptune; famous racer and notorious flirt Haruka Tenoh, who becomes Sailor Uranus; Sailor Pluto, an immortal goddess who was originally the guardian of time but later became a human named Setsuna Meioh; and finally Hotaru Tomoe, a chronically ill and misunderstood girl who later becomes the dreaded Sailor Saturn.

These characters are what Sailor Moon can attribute its phenomenal success to, as well as  its overall themes of female empowerment and optimism. Before Sailor Moon and, indeed, to this day, superheroes are predominantly male and geared towards a male audience. Not only that, women and girls are underrepresented in entertainment media as a whole and femininity is often portrayed as weak (or at least weaker than masculinity). Traits and qualities that are usually associated with women and femininity are often devalued, scoffed at, or are, again, at least portrayed as being weaker than qualities associated with men and masculinity. These feminine, so-called “weak” qualities include cooperation, mutuality, equality, sharing, empathy, compassion, caring, vulnerability, a readiness to negotiate and compromise, emotional expressiveness, and intuitive and other nonlinear ways of thinking (Johnson 7).

Moreover, female characters are usually less multidimensional than male characters. The documentary Miss Representation examines this lack of representation and how girls and young women in particular are affected by it. The documentary argues that, because media propagates such limiting portrayals of women, teenage girls are left feeling powerless and unrepresented. And it’s not hard to understand why that is. As Miss Representation demonstrates, women are rarely the main protagonists in films and tv shows. When they are the protagonists, their stories are rarely about finding one’s destiny or saving the world the way it is for male protagonists. Adding insult to injury, even if women are action heroes, they are usually hyper-sexualized. Femininity is limited to its sexual aspects for the benefit of male viewers.

With all of this in mind, it becomes apparent just how much of a game-changer Sailor Moon herself was. In her article “Sailor Moon: Japanese Superheroes for Global Girls,” Anne Allison elaborates on this concept:

Sailor Moon is popular for both the female and superhero parts of her character. As such, she is something of a hybrid, embodying conventions both of boys’ culture- fighting, warriorship, superheroes- and shoujo (girls’) culture- romance, friendship, and appearance… The show’s creators have merged two features that have traditionally been kept fairly distinct; the masculinity of a fighter and the femininity of a romantic…. Sailor Moon is a warrior who retains, rather than revokes or transcends, her femaleness. (273) Not only is Sailor Moon a warrior who fights against evil alongside her teammates, she’s also a beautiful, sensitive girl who dreams of romance and shares close, loving relationships with her family and friends. Although Usagi becomes much more focused and determined after she transforms into Sailor Moon, her femininity is still readily apparent.

This weaponization of femininity is most apparent in Sailor Moon’s attacks. Her most powerful weapon is the Silver Crystal, which often emits sparkles and pink bursts of light when in use. Sailor Moon also uses pink, ornate magic wands to utilize her attacks, which present themselves as hearts made of pink energy, bursts of rainbow colors, and sparkly feathers. Sailor Moon may be a warrior, but she doesn’t fight like a conventional one. In fact, instead of beating enemies into submission, she prefers to love and heal them instead. One of the major themes of the show is that Usagi’s unparalleled ability to love and forgive is her true strength and the source of her power. In fact, in the very last episode (“Usagi's Love! Moonlight Illuminates the Galaxy”), Usagi redeems the final arc’s main antagonist by appealing to the goodness that remained in her heart instead of just killing her. All of these traits are associated with traditional femininity.

All of these traits associated with Sailor Moon immediately endeared her to a wide audience. She instantly connected with Japanese schoolgirls in particular, in large part because of her approachability. The “Sailor” part of Sailor Moon comes from the fact that the Sailor Soldiers fight in modified versions of sailor fuku (also known as seifuku), or school uniforms that are based on naval suits. The majority of Japanese middle and high schools implement sailor fuku as uniforms, so Japanese schoolgirls were able to easily relate to the Sailor Soldiers and were excited to see girls who looked just like them fighting as heroes (Choo 279). Sailor Moon’s approachability is not limited to appearances, which is what allowed the series to connect to millions of people worldwide. Each of the ten Sailor Soldiers are completely unique and have their own personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses. The cast is so varied it’s guaranteed that almost anyone who watches the series will find at least one role model or a character to look up to. Instead of struggling to find a female character to connect with, viewers were now presented with ten to choose from.

Additionally, Sailor Moon became so popular because it completely reinvented the magical girl (or mahou shoujo) genre. Before Sailor Moon, most magical girls only used their powers for mundane or personal purposes. Sailor Moon introduced the concept of a magical girl warrior, a mix of traditional magical girl elements and sentai (Japanese-style superheroes, such as the Power Rangers) action. What resulted was a type of magical girl who used her powers to actively fight against evil. Not only did the Sailor Soldiers have flashy, pretty transformation sequences and wear cute, feminine uniforms like the protagonists from previous magical girl series, they fought like the Power Rangers. This hybrid magical girl/sentai style became enormously popular and soon other series began trying to emulate Sailor Moon’s success (Allison 262-267, 272-274).

Furthermore, Sailor Moon provides a wide array of strong female relationships, both platonic and romantic. What we typically think of women’s experiences in friendships and women's virtues- emotional expressiveness, dependency, the ability to nurture, intimacy, and so on- are prominently featured and celebrated in the series (Kimmel 375). In fact, the friendships that the Sailor Soldiers share with one another- specifically, the friendships between the five original girls who are collectively known as the Inner Soldiers- is one of the main themes of the series. They aren’t just teammates who support each other in battle; in fact, much of the series’ screen time is devoted to the girls’ everyday lives as they go to school, go shopping, study, and hang out together, just like ordinary friends.

The deep and intimate bonds of their friendship are shown in full in Sailor Moon R: The Movie, the series’ first theatrical release. Towards the end of the film, the main antagonist, Fiore, speaks of his loneliness; the Inner Soldiers (sans Usagi) all think of how they have also been lonely, shunned by their classmates for being different or strange. At the movie’s climax, in order thwart Fiore’s plot of sending an asteroid to hit Earth, Usagi is forced to use the full potential of the Silver Crystal; doing so is incredibly dangerous for her, as using too much of the Silver Crystal’s power exhausts one’s life force. The other Sailor Soldiers immediately rush to help her, resolving to combine their powers so they can all return to Earth together. As the girls join hands, they think of how much Usagi means to them, and how she saved them from their loneliness with her love and friendship. With her friends’ support, Usagi is able to destroy the asteroid before it hits Earth. The film makes it clear that the Sailor Soldiers’ bond with and devotion for one another is what makes them powerful. This is in stark contrast to the many movies and tv shows that depict women as natural enemies who compete with each other to be the most beautiful or to win the man (Miss Representation).

Platonic relationships aren’t the only kind featured in the series. In fact, Sailor Moon is significant for its prominent representation of LGBT people. Most notably, two of the Sailor Soldiers, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune, are actually lovers who share a close, loving relationship. Within the series, their relationship is treated as something as something completely ordinary; their closeness is never questioned or objected to, and the other Sailor Soldiers sometimes comment on how perfect they look together. In one episode (“Episode 95: Let Moon Help With Your Love Problems”), they even enter a couple’s competition and blow everyone away. But what’s more important is that Haruka/Sailor Uranus and Michiru/Sailor Neptune are given ample characterization outside of simply being lesbians. Their sexualities, while part of who they are, don’t dominate their characterizations; in other words, they’re gay characters who are treated like normal people instead of stereotypes.

Aside from being a lesbian, Haruka/Sailor Uranus is also presented as gender-nonconforming in the manga. Haruka identifies as a woman, but her gender presentation often changes; she easily switches between pants and button-down shirts to short skirts and flowing blouses. At one point in the manga’s third arc (“Act 32: Three Soldiers”), Michiru/Sailor Neptune says “Uranus is like a man and a woman in one. She has the strengths of both genders; it is her special advantage as a soldier.” Michiru isn’t saying that Haruka is physically both male and female; she’s saying that Haruka does not choose to present as either totally masculine or totally feminine, but rather a combination of both. Haruka’s gender nonconformity isn’t portrayed as strange or off-putting; rather, it’s explicitly stated that it’s her strength as a Sailor Soldier. What’s more, nobody ever questions Haruka about her androgyny; rather, the other characters just accept it as a part of who she is. This portrayal is very admirable, especially considering how gender nonconformity is usually handled in media. As Leslie Feinberg explains, “Those of us who cross the ‘man-made’ boundaries of sex and gender run afoul of the law… We have grown up mostly unable to find ourselves represented in the dominant culture” (Feinberg 147). Although character like Haruka is unfortunately hard to find, at least she’s able to be a good representative for gender-nonconforming people.

Aside from all that, Sailor Moon even features a very positive portrayal of a non-traditional, lesbian family. This is significant, because as Stephanie Coontz explains, “For 150 years, the married-couple nuclear family based on male breadwinning and female domesticity has been the main set of instructions on how we should organize adult sexual relationships, raise children, and meet interpersonal obligations” (118). When people- especially LGBT people- attempt to deviate from this familial norm, many immediately protest it; they do so because they argue that children raised by gay or lesbian parents will be not be as healthy as children raised by heterosexual parents (Kimmel 183-184). In reality, however, gay and lesbian couples provide a model of family life in many cases. For example, homosexual couples are more likely than heterosexual couples to share housework and child-rearing responsibilities (Kimmel 185). Moreover, research shows that the children of same-sex parents are just as emotionally healthy, and as educationally and socially successful, as the children raised by heterosexual parents (Kimmel 186). It’s the quality of person’s parenting, rather than their sexuality, which determines how well a child will develop.

In the final chapter (“Act 38: Beginning a Journey”) of Sailor Moon’s third manga arc, Sailor Saturn exhausts her powers and is reborn as a baby. Because she has no family, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto decide to adopt and raise her. Several chapters later (“Act 44: New Soldiers’ Dream”), we see that Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Hotaru (the reborn Saturn) have formed a loving, stable, and healthy family. Hotaru (who by now is a young child, as her powers have caused her to age at an accelerated rate) refers to Michiru and Setsuna as her “Mamas,” while she calls Haruka “Papa” due to her more masculine appearance. The manga also states Haruka, Michiru, and Setsuna all share the housework and child-rearing responsibilities; in fact, all three of them wear promise rings to symbolize their dedication to raising Hotaru and being good parents to her. Thanks to their love and support, Hotaru grows up to be a much happier, more outgoing, and stabler girl than she was in her previous life. Just like real-life research indicates, Haruka, Michiru, and Setsuna’s gender and sexuality did not negatively impact their ability to raise Hotaru. All that mattered was the quality of their parenting.

For all these reasons and more, it’s easy to see why Sailor Moon is such a beloved series. It brought audiences what they sorely needed: Strong and brave, yet relatable, female superheroes who encouraged them to be themselves and provided something to aspire towards. Moreover, it provided positive representation for LGBT people (including gender-nonconforming people) and even debunked stereotypes about them, such as the idea that same-sex couples cannot properly raise a child. The series also provides a healthy view of female friendships. Rather than portraying the Sailor Soldiers as rivals or making their relationships with each other shallow and insignificant, the series consistently characterizes their relationships as strong, meaningful, and loving. When keeping all of that in mind, it becomes clear that the series is just as relevant and needed in 2017 as it was back in 1992. Its themes of love, friendship, hope, and female empowerment will always be needed by not only girls, but by boys and adults as well.

Works Cited

Allison, Anne. "Sailor Moon: Japanese Superheroes for Global Girls." Japan Pop! Inside the World of Japanese Popular Culture. New York City: M.E. Sharpe, 2000. 259-78. Print.

Choo, Kukhee. "Girls Return Home: Portrayal of Femininity in Popular Japanese Girls’ Manga and Anime Texts during the 1990s in Hana Yori Dango and Fruits Basket." Women: A Cultural Review 19.3 (2008): 275-96. Web. 28 Apr. 2017.

Coontz, Stephanie. "How Holding on to Tradition Sets Families Back." The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families. New York City: Basic Books, 1997. 109-22. Print.

Feinberg, Leslie. "To Be or Not to Be." Women’s Voices, Feminist Visions: Classic and Contemporary Readings. 2nd ed. Boston: McGraw Hill, 2004. 147-50. Print.

Johnson, Allan G. "Where Are We?" The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy. 3rd ed. Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 2014. 3-25. Print.

Kimmel, Michael. The Gendered Society. 6th ed. New York City: Oxford U Press, 2017. Print.

Miss Representation. Dir. Jennifer Siebel Newsom. OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network, 2011. Netflix. Web. 28 Apr. 2017

[holdyourbreathuntilyouseelight]

Hands to Myself - Part I

Summary: After Alec comes out to his family, Jace drags Alec to an LGBT friendly strip club so he can 'expand his horizons' since he hasn't even attempted to date or meet anybody new. Alec reluctantly agrees only because he's grateful Jace is so supportive. While there, his eyes land on an intoxicating man whose body moves so fluidly Alec can't keep his eyes off of him. Once Magnus is alone with him, he, too, finds himself enraptured by the younger man.

Rating: MA

Genre: Smut, Romance, Friendship, Everyone is Human AU

Warning: Mentions of internalized homophobia

Author: dylanobrienstyler

A/N: I did my best with my very limited knowledge of what goes on in these sorts of places – sorry for any inaccuracies as I needed to improvise a lot. Title inspired from Selena Gomez' song of the same name. This will be a two-part series. Feedback of all kinds is very welcome!!

Also can be read on AO3!

Chapter One - Magnetism

"You know, we really don't have to do this."

His adoptive brother threw him a look, lips twisted in a smirk. "Oh come ON, Alec. It's been almost a month since you came out, and I have yet to see you even TRY to charm a fellow man. You need to see what you're missing!"

"Jace, do you really think I'm going to have a romantic awakening at a strip club?" Alec asked, eyebrows raised, but Jace simply scoffed.

"It's going to be fun, Alec. It won't kill you to have fun, you know."

Alec rolled his eyes and followed the blonde into the club. Pandemonium. The neon lights were lit up in the colours of the pansexual flag, and Alec swallowed before entering.

He had heard of the LGBT club, known for its wildly accepted collection of personalities, gender identities and sexualities showcased, and, of course, the fact that much of it was sans clothing. New York was a place for everyone to be included, and that club was a strong confirmation of that statement. Still, Alec had never been nor even knew much about it until Jace was showing him pictures on his phone that afternoon while shaking his arm to beg Alec to let him take him.

Alec normally would have said no, but he knew Jace was trying really hard to be supportive, and Alec appreciated his effort, especially since one half of their family certainly didn't share his enthusiasm. But Alec knew Jace wanted him to be happy, and that was enough to make Alec grumble out an agreement.

Coming back to the present, Alec passed over cover money to the bouncer, accepting the stamp on the back of his hand, before shrugging his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his heels.

It was an interesting sight – Alec hadn't been much of a bar guy, even after he turned twenty-one. He was more of a pub kind of person; sipping at a beer and eating fried foods while live music played or something equally relaxing was actually enjoyable. Here, there were a lot of sweaty, barely clad bodies writhing around and an overabundance of bright lights and synthetic fog happening.

"I really don't know if this is my scene." Alec commented to Jace, louder than he'd normally speak but it was necessary to be heard over the pumping music bursting from the speakers.

"Just give it an hour, please? If you really hate it, we'll go home after that." Jace promised.

Alec exhaled slowly but nodded, heading for the nearest bar. If he was going to stick around, he'd definitely need some alcohol.

Jace grinned as he caught on to his plan and bounded over to the bartender.

"What can I get you?" she asked, only the hint of a smile on her lips at the sight of the two men. Alec briefly wondered if she thought they were there together.

"Can I get a gin and tonic?" Alec said before Jace cut him off.

"Ignore my brother. He needs something stronger. What do you suggest?" Jace asked, settling onto one of the stools.

Alec followed his lead, sighing in defeat.

"First timer, huh?" the dark-skinned girl asked, eyebrow quirked.

"I couldn't be more obvious?" Alec grumbled, shooting a glare at Jace who simply grinned back.

"You work this job long enough, you start to be able to tell a lot from just reading people. It's a good place here though. There are worse places to debut into a strip club. There's a lot of respectful boundaries in place and it's pretty tasteful for the most part."

Alec nodded, appreciating the calming words. He had no idea what to expect and his comfort level at diving into new territory was, well, non-existent. He didn't want somewhere that put him on the spot too much.

The girl was mixing up their drinks as she spoke. "You don't have to know too much to get by here. You want to leave a tip, it's done here, but you're welcome to get closer to the stages to get a better view. Some places have you tip on stage by the dancer or to them directly – we try to keep more boundaries there for the safety of the dancers. Also, frankly, the money gets downright gross otherwise. And you'd be surprised how many people steal hardworking dancers' money when it's not heavily guarded."

Alec felt sick at the thought. He couldn't imagine working at a place like this, he just wasn't that comfortable with his body and was the opposite of charming, but he could imagine it took a lot of effort to put on your best face, expose yourself to strangers, showcase talent and whatever persona they had to adopt to perform, only to have the reward for it all be stolen.

She pushed their newly concocted drinks towards them and Jace passed over some bills. One sip and Alec struggled to swallow. It was strong all right, but the aftertaste smoothed things out. He took another drink as the bartender kept talking.

"The guy on the other side of the bar? That's Raphael." She nodded towards a surly looking man who definitely looked like a manager at a night club. It didn't seem like he ever saw the light of day with his pale, sallow complexion. "He's who you talk to if you want to book a private dance. We have secluded rooms for the occasion too, as some people don't want an audience. You're required to read and sign off on a checklist of dos and don'ts prior to him even calling up the dancer. If you violate any, you'll be kicked to the curb with no welcome back. Like I said, safety of the workers is really important here. And if you're looking for a prostitute, you'll need to head out and find a corner in the city, because even though some of the dancers do it on the side, business deals are not allowed to be made in here."

"Wow." Alec said with a surprise. He had no idea there was so much to it. He supposed that was best though. Places like this could probably get ugly fast if there weren't protocols and limitations in place. "Thank you, um…?"

"Maia." she replied.

"Alec."

"Jace." the blonde piped up from his spot, and Alec tried not to smile at his need to be included.

Maia chewed her tongue. "So, any questions, you know where I am. Otherwise try to relax a bit and enjoy yourself."

Alec nodded his thanks and swiveled on his stool to take in the club again. He took another gulp of his drink as he scanned the area.

There were multiple stages, both big and small, scattered throughout the large room. Poles were centered on some, some had other forms of props like hanging scarves for the more gymnastic types, and there were seating areas for best views but most people were standing and milling around.

The room also featured tall cubicle-like structures in a steady row, featuring one dancer in each. The costumes some wore were more adventurous than others, and Alec noted that across the wide arrange of dancers, there was a little bit of everything for everybody.

Some of the club was split with male dancers on one side and female dancers on another, whereas the cubicles featured a mix of both. Alec supposed that way everyone could find what they were looking for. There were also more masculine female types, dressed in what some would call 'butch' type wear, whereas there were also femme males, donned in make-up or even some dressed in stereotypically female clothing. And then the opposite, where there were rugged men and extremely feminine women.

Alec couldn't help his eyes from being drawn to one dancer straight ahead from his spot at the bar. He was of Asian descent, for sure, with sculpted arms grasping onto the pole as he swayed his hips in rhythm with the song playing.

There were mostly older men drooling at his feet, salt and pepper hair on some, and Alec wondered briefly if they were openly out or if some had wives or families at home. He knew he was growing up in a different time, and that these types of places didn't exist decades previous. Either way, the age contrast to the dancer to the audience made him a little queasy, but the dancer seemed pretty used to it. He was exchanging banter with a few, laughing and being coy, all the while moving sensually to the music.

Alec didn't even realize he was staring, but he was mesmerized. The man definitely had been dancing for a while, likely longer than his years as a stripper if his technique and physique were any indicator. He slipped out of the vest he had been wearing, letting it dip down his arms. He caught it in his elbows before smoothly discarding it, climbing back up the pole with his strong thighs, and he swiveled down as he sent a sly smile to his viewers.

"That's Magnus. He's been here a couple years. He's in pretty high demand around here. Both men and women fall at his feet." Maia commented, obviously catching on to his ogling and having finished with some other customers.

Alec swallowed, blushing at being caught, and decided he could not look at Jace if he wanted to have any dignity later.

Jace, thankfully, didn't tease him. Alec refused to chance a glance at him, but he hoped maybe Jace was distracted by the many beautiful women parading around.

Alec drained his glass and lifted a hand to signal his request for another. Maia hid a smile as she began getting it ready.

His eyes slid back to the dancing man, who was practically thrusting his hips as he held his arms above his head, only letting them come down to slide sensually over his bare torso and down to cup his inner thigh.

Alec took a large gulp of the drink Maia slid his way. It was going to be a long night.

Alec tried to find somebody else to watch, tried to tame his hormones down, even going so far to watch the women at one point, but his gaze betrayed him and always seemed to trail back to Magnus again.

He felt stupid for how magnetized to the man he felt. It was embarrassing how attracted he felt to him. It wasn't just his body either—the confidence the man exuded, the coy smiles he shot out at the crowd, the sight of him laughing at something somebody said… it all was enrapturing to Alec. The few times Magnus had caught him staring and sent a wink or smile his way nearly made Alec fall off his chair.

Jace sat down next to him suddenly, and Alec jerked his eyes away from the Asian man.

"Are the bathrooms here nicer than most clubs or about the same?" Alec asked dryly, sipping more of his drink. He was on his fourth and definitely feeling it, his body humming underneath his skin. It didn't help that he was using it as a distraction from wanting to cross the room to stand before Magnus and watch the magic unfold at a much closer view. But he knew that would spell disaster, since he was embarrassing himself enough from his spot at the bar.

Jace smiled wickedly, and Alec felt his stomach turn uneasily. It was not an expression that lead to nice things in the past.

"The bathroom run was a lie, actually."

Alec raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know what you were off doing? I know you've been sexting Clary all night, but you could at least wait for the phone sex until we're home."

Jace rolled his eyes. "Thanks for assuming I'm classless. No, I was off talking to Raphael."

Alec felt his blood run cold. It wasn't only Maia who was onto his obsession with Magnus, and Alec hadn't been helping to dispute the rumor. They had passed the hour agreement long ago and he still hadn't budged from his seat, so it didn't take a genius to figure out that he didn't want to leave and there was a very good reason.

"Jace… Please tell me you called Clary to okay you booking a private dance for yourself with a stripper and not that you—"

"I booked you a private dance with Magnus." Jace said, effectively shutting his brother up, and Alec nearly puked right then. The alcohol thrashed dangerously in his stomach.

"Please tell me you're joking." Alec rasped out, clutching onto the bar for balance.

"Alec, seriously. You don't have to marry the guy. But you're clearly attracted to him and he's obviously good at what he does, hence the small fan club he has gathered around him at all times, and, frankly, watching you stare at him is getting a little old. He's been making eyes at you too."

Alec rolled his eyes at the last comment. "For god sakes, Jace, it's his job. The more he makes people feel like they're 'special', the more tips he gets. I'm not even a strip club regular and I know that's how it is."

Jace held him by the shoulders. "Can you shut up and go over to Raphael to sign off on that stupid list? We came here to have fun, right? And I know you'll have fun. More than you've had, probably, well, ever."

Alec squirmed uncomfortably under his hold. He didn't need reminding that he was as virginal as they came. He had only kissed girls in his lifetime, and that was when he was trying to deny his true identity. Since then, he hadn't met anyone openly gay let alone felt a connection with anyone. He was a rather reserved, quiet person, so relationships didn't exactly come easy even without being homosexual.

"Fine. But if you wake up dead in your sleep one of these days, don't say I didn't warn you." he mumbled as he headed over to the manager.

"That doesn't even make sense!" Jace called after him, looking far too gleeful for Alec's liking.

"Hi. Um, I'm Alec. My brother sent me." he explained, nodding towards the excited idiot.

Raphael nodded in understanding, obviously expecting him. "All right, so it's pretty clearly written out here. Maia tells me she already went over some of the basics with you for our code of conduct." Great, Maia was in on it too. Did he have no one on his blend-into-the-background side? "Private dances vary from place to place, but here at Pandemonium, you're allowed to touch the dancer. That being said, no touching private parts, no kissing and generally nothing too sexual. They are performers putting on a show for you, so show them respect and communicate if something makes you uncomfortable. Also respect that they too have a comfort level, so any kink-related suggestions may need to be left at the door if they're too radical, understand? Also, all of your clothes are to remain on at all times; this is not an orgy, so keep it in your pants, literally."

Alec felt a little stunned, and about eleven-tenths embarrassed, but he nodded. He read the paper handed to him, which was pretty much all explained verbally already, so he scrawled his signature at the bottom and handed it back to him.

"I'll go grab Magnus. Luke will lead you to the private room he will meet you in."

Alec nodded and followed an intimidating looking bouncer.

"Hey, kid?"

Alec turned back to Raphael.

A hint of his smile was on his face. "Try to relax. Magnus is good at what he does. He won't push you beyond your boundaries. Have fun."

Alec, still red and only getting redder, nodded gratefully and followed Luke to a room down a hallway he hadn't noticed before.

"You can wait in here. Magnus will meet you shortly." Luke told him. "Raphael was right. Try to relax, kid. You look like you might pass out. There aren't any cameras about to expose you or something. You can be yourself here. That's the whole point."

Alec let out a breath and followed the instructions to go inside, trying to find the strength in him to take his advice. Luke closed the door behind him.

It wasn't an overly large room, but large enough that Alec understood certain dancers could put on quite the routine. There was a black couch leaning against the wall, so he sat nervously, wondering what the hell he was going to say to the man he'd be ogling all night. He doubted Magnus was oblivious what with the few times he had made eye contact.

Alec's heart was hammering in his chest as he thought about actually being alone in a room with him, no one else to break the ice. He felt like he was bordering on a panic attack. He knew Jace meant well, but this was too much. He was too nervous and inexperienced and this was too much pressure, even with everything everyone had been saying…

Before he could bolt, the door opened, and in walked the man Alec's eyes hadn't left all night.

To make things worse, Alec practically gaped at him, since up close he was even more stunning.

His dark eyes were lined with eyeliner, accented with dark eye shadows blended together and the glitter spread down his cheeks made his face even more luminescent and angelic than before. His hair was gelled into a funky sort-of relaxed style, and Alec could see the glisten of sweat on his arms. He was fully dressed, but there weren't many layers and they left little to the imagination.

"Hello. I'm Magnus." Magnus introduced, smiling wickedly, and Alec was grateful he was sitting because he was pretty sure his knees would've given out by now.

"Alec." Alec said, hoping his voice didn't quiver as much as he thought it did.

Magnus' smile broadened, and Alec wondered stupidly if Magnus introducing himself was an invitation for him to do the same. It was probably just what people in the business did. Stated their stage name to instigate the start of the show. Here Alec was, acting like it was a blind date. Good god, could he melt into the floor already!?

Magnus crossed the room and cracked open a bottle of water. "Forgive me for asking, handsome, but first timer?"

Alec couldn't help but groan and put his head in his hands. "Does everybody who works here feel the need to point that out?"

Magnus chuckled, and Alec lifted his head, embarrassed that he was charmed by the sound. A little glow of warmth formed in his belly that he had been the one to make Magnus laugh. He had been watching others do it all night with a hint of jealousy.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Alexander." Alec didn't bother to correct him, too fascinated at the sight of him sipping at a bottle of water to form words. He also had a feeling Magnus had chosen his full name on purpose. "The only reason I ask is because it does change how I approach these situations. Some people, veterans to this place so to speak, come in here knowing what they want and expecting something specific. Others, like yourself, are new to the idea and need a little more guidance getting out of their shell. And there's a learning curve too, of what you want and what works for you. I've been doing this long enough that I've worked with a wide variety of experience levels, and trust me, the most important thing is just that you communicate with whatever dancer you are paired with. That means, if I do something that makes you uncomfortable, you say so, or if you'd like something altered to suit your tastes, tell me. I'm sure Raph gave you the big scaredown so you know if it's outside my comfort zone, I'll just tell you and we'll try something else that works for both of us."

Alec nodded. "That sounds… really reasonable."

His voice was working a little better now.

Magnus clapped his hands together. "Perfect! Now, shall we get started?"

Alec was grateful he was sitting on a couch since his hands gripped at the cushion for something to anchor himself too.

Don't pass out. Don't pass out. Don't pass out.

The music filled the room, and, at first, Magnus didn't watch him. He was concentrating on the pole centered in the room, and Alec watched in fascination as he hooked a leg around it and did some complicated flip.

Would whooping in appreciation be acceptable here or would that just make him look like a complete idiot?

Alec chose to remain quiet but he found his body relaxing a little as he watched Magnus move.

He was still hyped up with nerves, but maybe the alcohol was settling in his system more, or maybe Magnus' pep talk helped, but Alec found himself having an easier time staring this time around. He knew Magnus was being paid to literally do this for him, but knowing there were no witnesses outside the one putting on the show made him feel a little more at ease. Being caught ogling a man still made him feel guilty, ashamed, the internalized homophobia he was getting better at battling still rearing its ugly head at times. Now, not only was Magnus being paid to show off for him, but Alec was expected to be intoxicated. He was encouraged to fully give himself over to his desires. Well, within the code of conduct of course.

Alec found his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he watched the man move fluidly, his body rolling like a wave as his shirt settled on the floor.

With a sly smile, Magnus sidled up to him, digging a knee on one side of Alec's thigh and settling into his lap.

"This okay?" he asked quietly.

Alec couldn't speak, too shocked at how close the attractive man was to his body to form coherent words, so he nodded as Magnus properly straddled his lap. His body warmth immediately seeped into Alec's and he felt his mouth go completely dry.

Magnus continued his rolling motions, but this time his pelvis was coming in contact with Alec's, and Alec made an unintelligible sound at the friction, his eyes finding the ceiling as he tried to control his body's reaction.

"Still liking this?" Magnus murmured.

Was he trying to seduce him? His voice was so silky and smooth, Alec was surprised he didn't arrive right then.

"I-it's good. I-I'm just… y'know, trying not to be a preteen about it." he managed to choke out.

Magnus laughed, throwing his head back as it came from the depths of his belly, and the action caused his lower half to become even snugger to Alec's. Somehow, it seemed Magnus found his innocence and inexperience endearing.

"Well, the whole point is that you enjoy yourself. Are you enjoying yourself, Alexander?"

Alec nodded as Magnus flipped around so his ass was the one nudging Alec's crotch, his hand sliding up to cup the back of Alec's neck as he slid up and down his body.

Alec's breath was catching at the sensations rolling through him. His hands had found Magnus' waist to steady him, but so far, that was as adventurous as he had been.

"You're allowed to touch me, you know." Magnus teased against his ear, blowing a cool gust of air against the hot skin of his neck.

Alec, swallowing with difficulty, let his palm stroke over Magnus' toned abdomen, taking inventory of one side to the other. He grew in confidence a little as Magnus seemed to use it as encouragement to keep dancing and he let his thumb brush sensually below his belly button but well above his waistband so he wouldn't accidentally touch him where he had been formally forbidden.

Magnus leaned back, using Alec's shoulder as a rest for the back of his head as he unbuttoned his pants and let them slide off his legs. He kicked them off with a flourish, turning around to straddle him facing forwards again.

Alec closed his eyes, trying to think of unappealing things as his body was not hiding its arousal in any way, but Magnus seemed amused.

"Let yourself feel, Alexander. It would offend me if you weren't properly enjoying this." To make his point, he pointedly rubbed against Alec's erection, and the latter moaned, gasping for air at the end.

"You're going to be the death of me." Alec mumbled, hands sliding down to rest on Magnus' hips unconsciously to help guide their motion.

"I'll make sure to get off you once I'm fully nude."

Alec felt himself panic. "Um, actually, is it okay if we just stay like this? This is… already so much."

Magnus' eyes softened and he smiled. "Of course. Whatever you like."

Alec exhaled, the tension leaving his body again. He couldn't help but let his eyes find Magnus', mesmerized by the swirl of colours in his irises.

The man in his lap moved more deliberately as the song's tempo increased, and Alec felt his hips move upwards of their own accord.

Magnus leaned his forehead against his, chuckling a little under his breath. "You're certainly a breath of fresh air, Alexander."

Alec met his eyes again, finding adoration in Magnus', and without thinking, he closed the distance between them until his lips were flush to Magnus'.

It was soft despite the suddenness, Alec's lips melting against the older man's, before he wrenched back.

"Oh, god, oh god I'm so sorry." Alec whispered, feeling his eyes grow wet in humiliation. That was practically the number one rule NOT to do, and there he went, ruining everything. It was Magnus' obligation to end things now, have Alec kicked out, never to return. He already felt a pang in his heart that he wouldn't see him again. But it was his own fault. His own stupid, desperate, intoxicated fault.

He was too drunk on alcohol and arousal to stop himself from doing stupid things, so it's not like he could exactly blame Magnus or the club for having that rule in the first place…

Instead of shoving him away and bolting, Magnus seemed eerily calm. His hands rested behind Alec's neck, him still in Alec's lap, and he was moving forward to kiss him again before Alec could catch up on what was happening.

It was gentle at first, but Alec couldn't control himself. Magnus was kissing him. His hands cupped his face in his hands as he kissed him back, and he whimpered against his mouth as Magnus' hips began rolling into his again.

Alec's mouth opened to Magnus as he kissed him deeper, hips never slowing, and Alec felt himself nearing the edge.

"Magnus… I'm… I'm so close…" he whispered, muffled against his moving lips. The added sensation of Magnus' expert lips against his was heightening everything, and he knew his high was moments away.

"It's okay, Alexander. It's okay." Magnus promised softly, moving his mouth to suck on Alec's neck.

His teeth nibbled over his pulse point and that was it, he was done, the whole night had been too much.

Alec's body seized up, his back arching, as a breathy "Magnus" escaped his lips. His hips stuttered as he came endlessly in his pants, his blunt nails dragging down Magnus' bare back as he gasped through his orgasm.

He stayed in his position, boneless, trying to catch his breath. His brain was fuzzy, unable to think of words to say, like 'thank you' or something.

Would it be weird to thank him? He did give him an orgasm, but he wasn't sure what the protocol was in this situation, as he never imagined actually coming undone in front of the man.

Magnus eventually dismounted him and brushed himself off before gathering his discarded clothes to swiftly redress.

"There's a bathroom just through there if you need to clean yourself up before you head back out." he said quietly.

Alec nodded, looking down at the floor now, embarrassed that he had just climaxed in front of a virtual stranger. He knew that Magnus had probably witnessed many over his time in the business, how could he not with moves like his, but he was sure many also kept themselves in control.

The shame from before started to creep again, locking his jaw and posture. He had just experienced his first orgasm at the hands of another man, imagined scenarios from his masturbation fantasies not counting, and it was making him feel a little overwhelmed. Also given that Magnus wasn't saying much either, and he wished the ground would swallow him whole.

Alec stood and moved to leave, afraid to look at him, afraid to find the disgust he was used to being associated with his sexuality.

He felt stupid, and humiliated, and just… sick. He wanted to leave. He had to leave after this. He was pretty sure Jace would be fine with it, as this was no doubt his finale for the night as it was, but Alec wasn't even sure if he could face him. He knew he'd start questioning him about how it was, teasing him, and Alec was feeling too vulnerable to play along.

"Alexander." Magnus' voice sounded strange, and Alec couldn't help but swivel to look at him.

His eyes grew strained at the sight of him, and Alec wondered if his self-loathing was as obvious as it felt.

Magnus crossed the distance between them and pulled him into a hug. Alec was so surprised by the action that he simply froze.

"I'm proud of you." he told him quietly, patting him on the back before slipping out of the room, shooting him one last coy smile before the door closed.

Alec didn't know what to think, still too stunned to gather all his thoughts, so he headed to the bathroom to clean himself up a bit.

Once done, he met up with Jace, his thoughts buzzing loudly in his head.

Jace smiled widely at him, but, catching the look on his face, his mouth slid into a frown.

"You okay?"

Alec nodded, not meeting his eyes. "Can we go?"

"Of course." Jace said seriously, slipping his arms through his jacket sleeves. "Thanks for everything, Maia." he added to the girl.

She, too, watched Alec in concern but waved them off with a forced smile.

Alec didn't speak much on the way home, too consumed with his thoughts. He didn't know what had happened, why Magnus had started kissing him back, and then everything following only solidified his confusion. Magnus seemed distant after they broke apart too, but then he was hugging him, telling him he was proud of him, and Alec didn't know what to believe.

But he didn't know Magnus. He didn't even know what Magnus' real name was for god sakes. Strippers usually had stage names, for their protection. And his job description meant he was always putting on a show. So that meant any part of his personality, or all of it, could be nothing like the real man.

Jace was shooting him glances as they walked through the city, clearly worried about him.

"Alec?"

"Mmm?"

"Did… did something bad happen? In that room?"

Alec contemplated the question but shook his head. "No, no. It was… just… not what I was expecting, I guess." He forced a smile. "But you were right. Definitely got me out of my comfort zone tonight."

Jace stopped walking and pulled Alec's arm. "Alec, tell me the truth. Did I pressure you into this? Make you do something you didn't want to do?"

Alec's heart clenched. Of course Jace would blame himself. It was his idea in the first place and he was the one who booked the private dance. But Alec knew it wasn't anything Jace had done. As usual, it was Alec who screwed things up.

"No, Jace, it was great, honestly. The whole night. But I guess I just… didn't realize…" He didn't know how to word it, not sure how to make Jace understand. "I wasn't expecting it to be so… um, emotional, I guess?"

Emotions weren't ever something Alec was great at expressing, let alone talking about. But he wanted to make sure Jace understood that he was only in his head about things because he was processing.

"Oh."

Alec forced a smile, trying to forget about the flood of uncomfortable feelings after things had finished. "I had fun, though. I really did. Thank you for tonight."

Jace smiled genuinely now. "You're welcome. That's what best friends are for."

"And brothers." Alec added, slinging an arm around his shoulder and squeezing affectionately. "Can you imagine Mom and Dad's face if they were in there, though? THAT would've been fun."

Jace snickered, immediately up for the entertaining conversation.

Part II can be found here!

[scripturehomosexuality]

Fruits of the “Straight”-”Gay” Dichotomy: How Modern Attitudes Affect a Budding Bromance

For the past few weeks and months, this blog has studied how modern sexual concepts are affecting our society. This website has also studied how the “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy - and the ideas it pushes - causes certain modern trends. However, it’s one thing to read about overall trends and how they affect larger society. It’s quite another to see how it affects individual lives, especially those you know.

That is the purpose of this post: to study the real emotional toll that modern sexual concepts cause, as seen in regular people. This is part of the series “Fruits of the ‘Straight’-’Gay’ Dichotomy”. This series will analyze how that dichotomy manifests itself in complex, subtle ways we don’t think about. This will be done by analyzing certain mundane phenomena (like forum posts), and seeing how the dichotomy influences attitudes displayed therein. It will point out how much the dichotomy (and its ideas) rule our lives, how much damage it causes, and exactly why this system must be destroyed at once.

For this post, we will be studying a December 2012 forum from LoveShack.org, entitled “Is he gay or is this JUST a bromance?” In looking through this page, it might provide a case study into how modern ideas affect relationships between men, and how they are perceived by observers.

The Opening Post

The forum post is started by member “KandiceHanson”, who is worried about her significant other. It should be noted that the words “husband” and “boyfriend” are used in reference to the man. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll just call him the husband.

Going on with the post, “KandiceHanson” knows that her husband loves her, because he shows it regularly . However, she is very concerned about her husband’s bromance with another married man. She described them as being very “touchy-feely”. They also regularly exchanged texts with language such as "I love you", "I miss seeing you", and "I'm always here for you love". They are so close to each other, the husband will drop everything if something goes wrong with his friend.

What perplexes “KandiceHanson” the most is the following: whenever she labels such actions as “gay”, he becomes deeply offended. It also seems that he finds “gay sex” distasteful.  This is despite the fact that “he hugs this guy all the time, is always texting him and making sure they each get home safely and whether or not the other is mad at each other for whatever reason.”

Because of all of this, she asks other forum members this question: is her husband “gay”, “bi”, or is she “barking up the wrong tree”?

Further Context From Other Posts

As it turns out, this is not the first time “KandiceHanson” has expressed concern about her husband. In fact, she had written a similar post the year before.

In that post, she mentions that the man (called “boyfriend” in this post) had been dating her for two years already, and that their relationship was solid. However, when looking through his phone, she found the following message: “Thank you for working with me, you're a great seller!!!! I'll leave amazing feedback when I receive the items! Also, that's a great picture of you, very cute [smiley face emoji].”  

What was the problem with that text? It was sent to a male colleague.

Given the content of the 2011 post, combined with that of the ongoing 2012 post, user “veggirl” yells out “HE IS GAY!!”

Is the Husband “Gay”?

To begin with our analysis, let’s answer the main question: Is the husband “gay”?

In answering that question, there is a fact that we must establish: same-sex attraction is far from a minority condition. Indeed, it is a majority phenomenon, and can be experienced by most humans, whether they admit to it or not.  Admittedly, under our modern sexual ideas, the truth of this might be somewhat obscured, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Thus, in the case of the husband, I personally think that he is attracted to his friend. I also think that such situations are more typical than most people realize or will acknowledge.

However, some readers might then object with the following: “If he is attracted to his friend, doesn’t that mean that he’s ‘gay’”? My response to that is a resounding “no”. I agree with the man’s assertion that he’s not “gay”, and I’ll tell you why.

When most people make that suggestion, they may not be aware that the word “gay” has a double meaning. One is the sexual meaning of “same-sex attraction”. The other is the sexual, cultural, and political meaning that attaches same-sex attraction to a “gay” culture of gender-atypical behavior, drag, and anal play. Those meanings are not often distinguished, but both are used heavily in discussions about “gay” topics. One example is a Youtube video discussing if a man can be “gay” yet dislike anal sex. In the video, the poster uses both meanings, and switches between both silently and seamlessly.  

This is why I don’t use the word to describe general same-sex phenomena, since it causes needless confusion about the topic being discussed.

However, at this point, we can more easily understand the husband’s point of view. The word “gay” attaches myriads of associations to his simple bromance. They are associations which he has no interest in, and might even find repulsive. This would also explain why he is repulsed by “gay sex”, since the phrase usually refers to anal sex, which most men find positively disgusting.

Indeed, the rest of the forum post shows why his stance isn’t somehow irrational. In a few posts, some of the users take the speculation to extraordinary lengths, as they make unwarranted assumptions about his character. For example, user “ninjainpajamas” says the following: “Take a look in his closet, under the floorboard you will find a pink tutu, red heels and a shoe box full of the brightest red lipstick. Seriously, this guy sounds on fiiiiiiiire! What else does he need to do, twirl a feathered boa in your face while in his Marilyn Monroe getup?” Another user (“Million.to.1”) says this: “Have you tried slipping a finger up his ass while giving him head?”

Now, from what we can tell, there is no indication that the man is interested in any of that. He simply wants to be close to his friend. It’s also possible that those statements were intended to be humorous, and are not meant to be taken seriously. Nevertheless, why would those users make those suggestions, unless the word “gay” really came with all those associations? Given that, is his rebellion against being labeled “gay” really unreasonable?

At this point, some readers might ask, “Okay, if he isn’t ‘gay’, what is he?” The truth is his same-sex desires don’t make him “gay”, LGBT, “queer”, X, Y, Z, or anything. Instead, he’s simply a man, expressing his normal and natural desires. There are plenty more like him, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. 

Is It Cheating?

Now, the other concern mentioned is that the husband’s bromance counts as cheating. A number of users suggest that at the very least, the husband’s bromance counts as emotional cheating. A constant theme is that the original poster should be worried about what’s happening, with some suggesting that she should keep the husband under close surveillance. A comment by user “Nightsky” probably summarizes the fears of other users well: “So what does it mean that she's married to a gay... well it means that he is probably ‘cheating’ on her with this man. He's much more likely to give her some nasty STD. He's going to be a half assed partner to her. Oh and finally good chance he'll leave her for a man he really cares about.”

As one can see, this discussion can raise serious issues about what’s allowable in relationships. Thus, we must answer the following questions: does a close same-sex relationship concurrent with an opposite-sex relationship count as cheating? Is it doubly so if that relationship is sexual in nature?

The answer is this: it only counts as cheating in our modern culture. No such concept existed before the late 20th century.

For example, no such concept existed in Ancient Greece, where bisexual behavior was expected even in marriage. A young Greek guy could enjoy a “roll in the hay” with his same sex friend, yet be actively looking for a wife. A man could be married and have children, yet have friendships with other men that could be very erotic in nature. Though history on same sex female activities aren’t extensive, similar things likely happened with the women also.

No such concept seemed to exist even in the Bible, as seen in the story of David and Jonathan. Since Leviticus (the only scripture in existence at the time) only condemned anal sex, it’s very likely that their relationship had erotic elements, though it would have been expressed in non-penetrative ways. Their intimate friendship continued after both had married and had children. Yet, it’s never suggested that their relationship somehow conflicted with their marriages. It also doesn’t seem like their wives had any problems with it. Instead, David was accused of cheating only when he had extramarital sex with a woman named Bathsheba.

Even in the 19th century, close bonds between men weren’t in conflict with opposite-sex relationships. Male friends unashamedly assumed intimate poses in photographs. Letters between same-sex friends were often emotionally intense, and thought nothing of sleeping together in the same bed. As such, as​ ​documented​ ​by​ ​the​ ​Man2Man​ ​Alliance, references to “fleshy poles” and the like appeared in letters describing those male-male sleeping arrangements. Yet, the closeness of those friendships weren't unusual, but instead were the norm.

All of this might be because during those times, “sex” was still defined by penetration. Thus, since any sexual contact done was usually non-penetrative, it wouldn’t have counted as “sex” anyway. Such contact would be undeniably erotic sex play, but not “sex” in the same league as vaginal penetration. Problems would only arise (on multiple levels) if two men engaged in anal sex, because only that would count as “sex”.

Thus, in seeing all this, one thing becomes clear: close relationships between men attached to women wasn’t viewed as cheating, even if said relationships had an erotic component. They simply weren’t conceived as being in conflict with each other. That perception is extremely recent. As much as “gay” and “straight” orthodoxy may find that repulsive, that is the truth. If we deny it, we do so at our own peril.

As a side note, it’s interesting that what is most taboo in modern sexual philosophy - to have erotic relationships with both genders simultaneously - is precisely what was normal in the past. Doesn’t that say a lot about that philosophy, the sexual dichotomy it creates, and how upside-down they really are?

However, another truth about male sexuality becomes readily apparent. It’s time for us to openly state that truth. It’s one that our “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy tries hard to suppress, modern women nervously try to ignore, and modern Christendom tries to vilify. Because so many parties fear it, it could possibly be called “the awful truth”.

“The Awful Truth”

Before I go any further, I fully realize that the following might be deeply controversial for both “straight” and “gay” people. However, it has become quite clear that our modern sexual concepts are historically unprecedented, and I simply won’t support false illusions for everybody’s comfort. Thus, I believe the following must be told in the frankest way possible.   

This is the absolutely intolerable truth: under the right circumstances, and with the right guy, most guys would unashamedly have hot, sweaty, passionate sex with another man. Most guys would happily fall asleep naked in each other’s arms, and give each other intense pleasure whenever they pleased. Dealings with the opposite gender will never eliminate the need for same-sex intimacy. It is a natural, normal, and permanent fact of male sexuality.

Take it from a guy who knows, and has been hit on by “straight” guys more times than he can count, whether they’re with women or not.

In saying all this, girlfriends and wives must understand the following: if your man is attracted to other men too, it doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you any less. It also doesn’t mean that you are somehow deficient in loving him. Same-sex intimacy and opposite-sex intimacy are simply two separate spheres, and until recently, they weren’t considered conflicting. There are just some things men get from other men that isn’t possible with women, just as the inverse is true for women. That’s not meant to say that men are somehow superior to women; it’s just simply human nature.

The following illustration might drive the point home. For humans to function properly, they must satisfy the needs of their body, including eating food and drinking water. However, humans cannot satisfy both hunger and thirst by only eating food. Nor can they satisfy both by only drinking water. Furthermore, we do not believe that food can directly satisfy thirst, nor can water directly satisfy hunger. Indeed, each need can only be satisfied in its own way: we satisfy hunger by eating, and thirst by drinking.

It works the same way with the erotic needs of males. Most men have a “thirst” for both male company and female company. We cannot expect that dealing exclusively with women will satisfy the need for both modes of intimacy. Nor can we expect the same concerning exclusive relationships with men. Likewise, we cannot expect that hunger for male company is best satisfied by engaging only with women. Nor can hunger for “female” company be satisfied by engaging only with men. Both must be satisfied in their own way: need for male intimacy must be satisfied by men, and need for female intimacy must be satisfied by females. In this way, we recognize by ignoring one need, the whole person suffers. The inverse is also true: by satisfying all needs, the whole person flourishes.

As such, through the work of the Man2Man Alliance, it’s often found that satisfaction of same-sex desires actually improves the quality of male-female relationships. The inverse has also been found true: the suppression of desire for same-sex intimacy endangers the survival of a male-female relationship. Writer Stephanie Coontz said as much in The New York Times, where she says the following:  “In some cases we even cause the breakdown [of male-female relationships] by loading the relationship with too many expectations”, where those relationships are expected to fill the void of same-sex relationships. Thus, if a woman requires her man to completely shun closeness with same-sex friends in favor of her, she very well might be putting their own relationship at risk.

As such, same-sex intimacy does not mean a man will abandon his female partner. More often than not, such a breakup has less to do with the man, and more to do with the modern sexual philosophies in existence. The “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy is utterly intolerant of bisexuality, and under that system, both “straight” and “gay” people are taught to be likewise intolerant of bisexual behavior in their partners. Thus, this system of sexuality makes men “choose” which gender they will love, even though they might love both. However, this is an absurd choice to decide. It is akin to making men choose to eat only grapes or strawberries, even though they are inclined to both.

However, this does not mean that the fears of women are completely unfounded. The anal-centric model followed in the “gay” community comes with a high risk of STD infection. If their male partners engage in this model, they WILL be infected with an STD sooner or later, which can easily be transmitted to those women. Thus, while same-sex intimacy poses no automatic risk to the survival of an opposite-sex relationship, the chosen mode of intimacy poses a big potential risk to the health of its partners.

Thus, women reading this have a role to play here. If you realize that your man likes guys too, don’t be reactionary. There is nothing you can do to change a man’s sexuality, nor should you try to change it. Even more importantly, don’t label your man or his actions as “gay”. There’s hardly another word that would make a man shut down faster than that.

Instead, be proactive and guide that same-sex desire into healthy channels. To be specific, help steer your man away from the anal-centric model that is popular in the “gay” community, and from any party that would pressure him to follow that model. Instead, guide him towards sexual practices that are non-penetrative (and thus much more safe), and philosophies that help him explore that intimacy in sensible ways. The Man2Man Alliance (link NSFW) and the g0y movement (link NSFW), which are extensively referenced on this site, would be excellent resources for that purpose.

This page of the g0y movement might be especially helpful. Though it’s geared towards parents (and particularly fathers), the principles therein can help anyone who knows a guy who’s into guys (to any degree). Ultimately, the end goals of this information are to

Create an environment where, if the man wants to open up, same-sex desire can be discussed without fear of judgement and punishment

Guide those same-sex desires away from the anal-centric “gay” model, and to more healthy and satisfactory modes of exploration

With your efforts, your male partner might deeply appreciate your concern. What's more, without the involvement of anal, you might find male-male intimacy extremely pleasurable to watch (link NSFW).

The bottom line is this: whether they marry women or not, most men will always be into other men. Attraction to one gender does not conflict with the other, and should not be considered as doing such. Rather than being suppressed, that same-sex desire should be allowed to breathe in healthy ways. The sooner that we acknowledge that bisexuality is an unchangeable fact of male sexuality, the better off everyone will be.

Conclusion

The first entry of this series showed how modern sexual ideas, as brought to their highest fulfillment in the “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy, affect teens and young adults. This entry shows how those ideas affect their lives when most of them grow up and marry. As you’ve just seen, it can make life very difficult for them.

Thus, this point bears repeating: nobody wins in the “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy. This is especially obvious when it comes to men. If a man is “straight”, it means that their same-sex friendships must be strained. They must constantly guard against making those relationships too emotionally intimate, let alone physically intimate. Otherwise, they risk being labelled as “gay”, which attaches a carload of associations to those relationships, and paints them as something they are not. If they are “gay”, they are compelled to follow a highly specific type of same-sex intimacy, in which anal play and other things are necessities. If they show they like both genders, they risk being rejected by both “straight” and “gay” people.

While it might not be so obvious, this also does no favors to women attached to those men. By demanding that men go exclusively for women, modern sexual philosophy gives the impression that it’s protecting females. However, if their boyfriends/husbands are found in the arms of another man, that same philosophy turns around and eats those women alive. It suggests that the man turned to men because of some deficiency in the woman - sex wasn’t enjoyable enough, she couldn’t see he was supposedly “gay”, etc. It unfairly humiliates those females for something that is natural and normal, and something they have no control over. As a result, instead of helping men and women reach their fullest potential, modern sexual philosophy honors neither, and actually oppresses and abuses them both.

Ironically, by curtailing same-sex intimacy, modern sexual philosophy also devotes opposite-sex relationships to turmoil and destruction. This is because, in the absence of same-sex relationships, opposite-sex relationships risk being overloaded with “with too many expectations”, as Mrs. Coontz put it. In the case of males, this makes them seek with women what used to be normal in male-male friendships - casually going through life’s adventures with plenty of erotic favors along the way, without necessarily formalizing the friendship in marriage. This can be easily seen in language used to describe sexual mixed-gender relationships outside marriage, with terms like “friends with benefits”, “f--- buddies”, “hook up”, etc.

The problem with this (as has been spectacularly displayed in recent years) is that while same-sex relationships and opposite-sex relationships are equal, they are different in their dynamics. Certain things work in a same-sex relationship that simply don’t in an opposite-sex relationship, and vice versa. For example, opposite-gender sex outside marriage comes with problems that don’t exist in male-male sex (outside the anal-centric model), such as pregnancy, high STD risk, and the like. The sex in such relationships might cause emotional friction that is not inherent in same-sex relationships, which is why they might often be fraught with tension. Furthermore, that tension might continue even when the partners marry, because they continue expecting more than what their relationship can give.

In those opposite-sex relationships, males might expect what women can’t give, and vice-versa. Such discord in expectations may spell doom for that opposite-sex relationship, and both the man and woman might shy away from future ones. However, because of the rules of the “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy, they also must suppress intimacy with their own gender. Thus isolated from both men and women, the ultimate end of the dichotomy is achieved: to impose absolute isolation and separation among humanity. As a result, the dichotomy cruelly and totally robs people of the intimacy they need to thrive.

Thus, as with the last post, I ask the following questions: Are you okay with letting this continue? Is this any way to live?

By all indications, the “Straight”-”Gay” dichotomy and the philosophy it represents must be destroyed. If if it is not, it will surely destroy we humans first.

Because of this, I urge you to read “The ‘Straight’-’Gay’ Dichotomy: How It Works”, to fully understand how that system functions. I also urge any who read this to go to “For Straight People (though not exclusively)”, which will point to philosophies and forms of same-sex behavior that don’t hinge on demonstratively false concepts. Also read the page “History of the Concept of Homosexuality”, to see how this concept evolved into its modern day meaning. Don’t be afraid of talking about what you learn to others, because that’s the only way progress will be made.

The dichotomy is socially constructed, and thus can be socially deconstructed. With education, you can help to hasten its deconstruction, and we all will be better for it.