#stripper!magnus

[junkyardspider]

Mr. Bonzo’s on his way,,,

he also does lapdances

[deardarlingcarstairs]

the lightwood family dynamic is so funny to me because:

- alec is, like, barely above mundane drinking age and running the whole shadowhunter government, which is basically the same age as his divorced, half deceased parents were when they were running around committing hate crimes. he’s married the notorious manic wizard down the street, magnus bane, who’s, like, 400-something and witnessed said parents’ hate crimes, and they’ve adopted an abandoned warlock child who is completely blue and a prickly 5 year old who doesn’t speak a word of english.

- jace was adopted because robert and maryse felt morally obligated to due to them thinking he was the son of robert’s ex-parabatai who was in love with him and didn’t even turn out being his father. he is engaged to clary who he thought was his sister but still wanted to bang, and she is the daughter of the leader of the hate cult robert and maryse were involved with and her older brother (who also wanted to bang her) killed jace’s adopted little brother. jace is parabatai with alec, who he offered to kissed once to prove a point.

- isabelle fights demons in stripper heels and is engaged (married?) to simon who is really just a guy. a guy who was randomly dragged into the their whole family disaster and turned into a vampire then drank her blood then saved her life then drank her brother’s blood because he saved her life, then forgot everything. then she dragged him back into her whole family disaster and they were will-they-won’t-they for forever (even though they were obviously will-they the whole time) and they had sex and he drank out of a shiny cup and became a shadowhunter.

- there was also this one time they were in hell and jace was having sex with clary and isabelle was making out with simon and alec was getting wine drunk by himself, all in same cave

i’m not even going to go into their parents because what the fuck

[witchinatree]

i have posted a LOT about the issues i had with season 4 of TUA but i'm going to say everything i've been thinking right here right now. i cannot get this shit out of my head.

i think a lot of it ties back to the flaws i noticed in season 3, they tried to take on too much and abandoned the previous storylines that were waiting for them (viktor's traumatic relationship with leonard, five's trauma in general, lila's parents dying because of five, DAVE, etc etc) and we were all expecting them to tie it all together in season 4

instead they just.. added more..???? jennifer and abigail were thrown in late season 3 and were just suddenly supposed to be super important to us (they were not.) the subway that takes you to other timelines (objectively cool as fuck, why is this only introduced in the last season of The Timeline Show)

and i'm still really upset that reginald is an alien because it makes no fucking sense. i always assumed he created the mystery 43 babies (why else would he seek them out and already have a plan for them) but the alien route was.. ill-fitting. i think it would've worked better if he fell in love with abigail, who was an alien and created marigold, and then his hubris and curiosity was what unleashed it into the world and doomed the timeline. "sure this mystery chemical destroyed the planet my wife is from but i'm reginald hargreeves so that won't happen to me!" [happens to him] also i wish abigail was not just used as "see! abuser not so bad! abuser have wife! he love wife :]" because. what. and then her weird complaints about reginald in episode 6 that came out of nowhere confused me. they just should've written her entirely different if they were gonna have her at all

AAALSO i hated that they regressed all of the characters back to how they were in season 1 (or worse??). luther was living in the old umbrella academy building because apparently he will never leave it?? after everything?? diego's life was different but he was still doing this weird job shit (discount batman and mail carrier are the same thing) and he was miserable with his loving wife and kids (who ARE you.). allison's husband left her again (what the hell raymond) and she was still the neglectful single mother of claire?? after EVERYTHING I KNOW I ALREADY SAID THAT BUT GOD. klaus actually had something going for him, if only his recovery wasn't made into a joke, and then he relapsed and got kidnapped and was just very.. season 1 klaus.. but with no ghost ben anymore. five.. eugh. he was not season 1 five he was just NotFive. crazy how they had a magnus archives crossover and just brought in NotThem to take five am i right guys. ben's also different because it's not the same ben from season 1 but they just made him really fucking mean. like worse than season 3 because there wasn't that underlying "please i just want to be loved" thing. crypto bro ben was funny as fuck though. and VIKTOR just fucked off by himself after working so hard to be part of the family again. glad he got to transition and become canada's #1 manslut but jesus, just abandoned everything you did to be part of the family huh.

my vision for the ending of TUA would go something like this

ending of season 3, pretty much the same but they all have their powers and reginald's head getting sliced in half did not reveal him to be some alien freak. also at some point abigail would have been introduced. i don't feel like rewriting season 3 too okay i'm cutting corners.

luther finds sloane when he goes back to where the umbrella academy building used to be, but it's now a very lovely apartment that the two of them live in together. they host all of the family gatherings for sentimental and space reasons. i think luther would explore the stripper idea but decide not to follow it because of sloane. sloane would be fine with it but luther would still get worried.

diego and lila live in the same house somewhat nearby. lila's family (they do get to be alive but lila does have to overcome the trauma of losing them while simultaneously getting them back) are their neighbors, it was the compromise they came to because diego wanted their house to be their space but lila wanted her family close. they have three kids who are each loved and names get to be in the fucking show. (looking at you mystery twin. grace and coco (?) didn't really get much attention either). they have a big backyard that the kids all play in together when they're visiting

allison and ray are still together and they have claire (maybe another kid...) they also live somewhat nearby the rest of the umbrella family because i refuse to let them separate. i don't have much to say about them other than RAY DID NOT WALK OUT ON HER.

klaus and dave live in allison and ray's neighborhood. maybe they adopted a kid? maybe they didn't? i think their family would be really cute either way. klaus is still overcoming his addiction and dave supports him through it. it's not made into a joke and actually gives klaus a lot of depth and emotional moments. also just in general dave meeting the rest of the family would be really really sweet

five gets to retire. he lives with viktor in my mind. full circle on viktor being the person who always waited for him and offered him a place to stay after he got home in season 1. five would not actually be getting a retirement pay because he has never had a real job so he's just vik's roommate now. he could have a romance plotline with a woman working at the department store down the street named delores. she looks familiar.

ben lives alone and works at a tech company? honestly i don't know what i would do with him in the pre-plot but it would not be put him in jail?? me personally. i think he would probably move further away than everyone else but stay close enough so he could visit sloane sometimes. he still feels like an outsider but doesn't know how to tell the umbrellas he wants to be their brother now

and viktor lives with sissy harlan and five (previously mentioned). his transition gets to actually be explored (PLEASE.), harlan is in therapy, and sissy is a strong working woman!! again i don't really know what to do with him pre-plot. just know he's the happiest he's ever been!!!

and just in general, a lot of this happiness from all of them comes from their powers and that they can finally be one big happy family together (whether ben likes it or not). setting up the inherent tragedy that comes with perfection

episode 1 opens by showing everything i just explained, the tragedy of getting everything you want or whatever the title was. their powers are still integral to their lives. they're either tied to their careers (luther would probably be like a wrestler or something again, diego could try police work again because i want that to be explored) or other aspects of their existence (allison still finds herself doubting how much of her life is real, klaus' relapses are always caused by his trauma surrounding ghosts, five sometimes space jumps when he wants to be alone [also i think he could feel some sort of shame/guilt because he lives with viktor and can't really contribute much without the commission. not really his fault though because of his insanely fucked timeline], ben uses the squid to carry things or grab things that are far away, and viktor plays the violin to help him remind himself that he is in control of his power now, and he won't end the world again)

the main conflict starts when ben meets a new woman named jennifer and shakes her hand when introducing himself (starting the marigold/durango reaction that builds very slowly throughout the season.) it could be romantic but i think it's just devestating. they're slowly realizing they're losing everything they worked so hard for because of something they can't control

yadda yadda yadda figuring shit out while also having conflicts in their life from the earlier seasons and it culminates in the old umbrella academy building, viktor is the only person who can remove the durango and marigold from ben and jennifer and save the world. he finally gets to be the hero, be the one to stop the end of the world instead of cause it, but he needs to take the marigold from each of the siblings in order to balance the amount of durango jennifer had (no idk why he would let the other like 30 something marigold kids keep theirs i really don't know how to fix that. why would they do this to me)

each of the siblings have to give up part of their lives, part of their identities, and it's hard for them!!! they struggle a lot to agree to do it!!! and it's also harder for them because they don't know if viktor will survive doing this. but he's the only one who can? is his life more important than the existence of everything and everyone? ultimately, they all give up their marigold, and viktor takes all of it and the durango to save everyone. it cancels itself out and stops the cleanse reaction, and i think it would kill viktor (but it doesn't have to). we see that same clip of the 'perfect world' but they get to be in it. they were never the problem. lila and diego play in the park with their kids. allison ray and claire are walking together. klaus and dave are talking on a bench. luther and sloane are carrying a large basket of food. ben and five are helping them set up the picnic. harlan is sitting in the grass with sissy next to him. each of the adults have a small violin tattoo on their wrists. their lives will never be as perfect as they were before, but they can finally just rest and move on. because it was never their fault.

also reginald dies. fuck that guy

[cautiouscrab2eletricboogaloo]

If you scroll back far enough you’ll see this account was mainly Umbrella Academy posting. I was OBSESSED with this show, especially when s3 came out despite the writing being objectively…iffy in some scenes. But I knew how GOOD the show could be, and hell, s3 WAS GOOD!

And then s4 happened.

And let’s just say

I’m disappointed :D

Spoilers for everything s4 here on out

Ok so watching this season was like being trapped in a burning building but you’re trying to rescue your things, but then you realize they’re also all on fire. I kept watching, thinking “oh, this is gonna lead to this” or “oh that’s a cool reference to that” and NOTHING HAPPENED???

Like in the beginning, with Alison. I thought for sure, everyone was just gonna not like her for a majority of the season, she does something really cool/saves them and then they go “ok, we aren’t gonna forgive you, because what you’ve done to all of us is not able to be forgiven, but we’re gonna try to be better and include each other in our lives”

Nope

They just forgave her off camera and she was just enjoying life with them

And so I’m like “ok, I can excuse that, besides there WAS a 6 year timeskip, maybe we’ll see something with th-“

Nope

Another thing, the sake bombs

My brother in christ Klaus THREW IT ON SOMEONE ELSE AND JUST??? THAT PERSON DIDNT GET HIS POWERS?? My partner legit turned to me and was like “oohhh he’s gonna get Klaus’ powers that’s gonna be so cool.”

But nope that guys never shown again!!

“Okay…” I say slightly nervous “but Klaus is objectively the fan favorite, they can’t fuck up his character”

But then they did. Now iirc, Vietnam wasn’t mentioned at all in s3, and if it was, it was minimum, but there were SO MANY INSTANCES TO BRING IT UP AND THEY JUST DIDNT??

And I tried to excuse it, but legit it was so obvious that they should’ve brought it up. Ignoring the fact Klaus GOT DAVES DOG TAGS BACK AND SAID/DID NOTHING BUT LOOK AT THEM?? you have the scene where everyone is shooting as each other and he’s hiding in the hallowed out part of a grave (which, idk, reminds me of TRENCHES??? Which I’m like 80% sure was used in the Vietnam war) and also, did NOTHING. He covered his ears and I’m sitting there, thinking “oh maybe a flashback”

Nope!

MY BROTHER IN CHRIST I CANT STOP EXCUSING IT, BUT I DO

Cuz when he got locked in the coffin, I’m thinking “oh perfect time to bring up the mausoleum-“

Nope

(Also the way the show tried to make it a joke that he was being used for sex to get money left such a bad taste in my mouth. Like we physically saw him get SA’d and just…it’s a joke??? Like already we had that gross SA of Luther in s3 does NO ONE UNDERSTAND HOW SENSITIVE OF A TOPIC THAT IS??)

Then, obvs there’s the fuckup with Five

At this point, I’m beaten and broken. I have a pounding headache, the dogs looking at me and my partner funny cuz we keep screaming and- HOLY FUCK FIVE IS KISSING LILA

Five, the physically-25-mentally-65 year old, whose ENTIRE CHARACTER MOTIVATION IS HIS FAMILY

Is kissing Lila, the 30 something WIFE OF HIS BROTHER

His brother. Who he saw DEAD IN A FUCKING APOCALYPSE.

I just ??? It’s so bad??? Why??? Did you think??? That was a good idea??? No one asked for that??

(+ there was no reason to include that arc, or the fact that Lila and Diego were unhappy in their marriage. Lila, maybe I can understand, but Diego had NO REASON. Get rid of those arcs, fucking nothing changes)

And I can talk about the bracelet inconsistency, or how they only made Luther a stripper for shock value, but this post is long enough so I’m just gonna mention one final grievance

The ending.

SPOILERS FOR THE ENDING OF THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES

Now, I’ve enjoyed media where they permanently kill off the main characters. Like Magnus Archives (something I frequently would post here)

In the season five finale, they kill of Jon and Martin because it’s the only way to save their world. It makes sense, Jon is already the Pupil of the Ceaseless Watcher + for him and martin, it’s genuinely the only way they can have a decent ending

If they were to keep living, they’d doom the world to constantly be in the eyepocalypse. They address what could’ve been a plot hole by saying “no, living isn’t an option, as much as we want it to be.”

And it’s a satisfying ending! Ask any TMA fan, and they’ll agree that, while sad, it was a perfect ending. So when Umbrella Academy tried to do the same I was…confused? Because that truly WASNT THE ONLY OPTION??

The scene with all the Fives where they’re like “oh btw your family causes the apocalypse every time” I thought we all kinda new that by now….

But also it wasn’t. I am firm in my belief that what caused the apocalypse every time was

1) their powers

And 2) their REACTIONS to each other

S1, for example. Viktors powers inherently cause the apocalypse, but it’s the characters reaction TOWARDS VIKTOR (cough cough Luther) that REALLY seal the deal.

So, no diner Five, it wasn’t THE FAMILY, it was your POWERS. If y’all just…don’t use them and get some family therapy, you guys are FINE.

(Also my partner brought this up, but having a show that revolves around the trauma of the main cast ending with “killing yourself is the only option” is…definitely a choice!)

So yeah. This entire season was trash from start to finish. The songs were not good, the character arcs were not good, the story itself was not good. Everything done was either for shock value (ie making the astronaut a STRIPPER.), ruined characters in ways that didn’t make any narrative sense (Five kissing Lila), or were dragged on far too long (Diego and Luther in the CIA).

And I really don’t want to hate on it, because I love this show, but I really have nothing good to say. It was bad start to finish. Get me out of this burning building, ‘cause my stuffs already burnt.

[angelst4re]

Jace wayland smut

so... i came up with the idea for this whilst listening to weeknd and i just think it's been one of my best ones so far... i hope you like it!! <3

Professional- Jace Wayland/ Herondale/ Lightwood x Stripper!Reader

summary: you and jace dated in the past but broke up as he was moving away, after years, you reunite at the strip club you work at...

warning: NSFW!! smut, oral (m receiving!)

note: jace <3333 also, can i just say i'm still not ever this photo, it has taken over my brain all over again. ALSO, i'm thinking of writing a part 2 to this where he *repays* reader so let me know if you'd like that!! :)

Jace Wayland was a name you would never forget. Although the two of you were only young he had given you memories to last a lifetime. Neither of you wanted to break up, but he was moving away. It was for the best. You both knew that the long distance wouldn’t work out and he wanted to put your happiness first. 

However, that was not the case. It had been 6 years and you still thought about him almost every day, every time you saw a motorbike or a mango or a duck, your first thought would be Jace. You had tried to move on, start new relationships and situationships, but nothing would ever last longer than a couple weeks. You constantly craved male validation now Jace had gone and you couldn’t hold down a relationship, so you turned to the strip club. 

Jace knew he would also never move on from the relationship the two of you had. He had tried, though. He experimented with relationships, went on a few dates, then turned to sleeping around. However, that all stopped when Clary turned up at the Institute. This time he had managed to trick his brain into loving her, he knew it was the best he could do now that you weren’t around. 

He was so dedicated to loving Clary, taking his mind off of you, that he had even proposed to her. He knew that way he would be tied to her, and no longer tied to you. 

Magnus Bane was adamant about organising Jace’s stag party. He wanted to do as much as he could to make Jace feel uncomfortable, just so he and Alec could laugh about it before going in to rescue him. This resulted in a visit to the strip club. 

As the 25 year old Jace Herondale walked through the door, you immediately decided your brain was playing tricks on you. There was no way he could be here. The last time you had seen him, he was 19, you were 18, and boy had he aged wonderfully. His face was more defined, his jawline sharp enough to cut. His golden hair remained the same, but there was a new addition- more runes and a few tattoos. 

After you finally decided your mind was no longer messing with you, you went to fix your makeup, deciding that you were going to be the one to see to him tonight, and if anyone else tried, it would result in a stiletto to the eye. 

“Jace Wayland,” you smirked, your long legs carrying you towards him, the 7 inch heels tapping against the floor as you walked. Tonight you wore a black skin-tight dress, what was underneath was to be revealed later. “What are you doing here?” 

One of the men he was with began to grin, his cat-like eyes widening in amusement as he patted Jace on the back. 

“Don’t tell me you’re a regular!” Magnus laughed, but Jace’s face showed no sign of amusement. 

“It’s Herondale now, actually.” Jace had corrected you, “what are you doing here?”

“I work here, darling.” You smiled, looking at him through your lashes, “now, would you like a dance?” 

“He would!” The other man he was with spoke, his dazzling blue eyes were playful as he grinned at Jace. “It’s his stag night, we thought he-”

“You’re getting married? Wow, who’s the lucky person?” You faked a big smile, your words sounded a lot harsher than they should have. 

“That doesn’t matter.” Jace dismissed your question, “let’s get this over and done with, then.” 

You had led Jace back to one of the private rooms, sitting him on the chair as you began to take your hair out of it’s ponytail, letting it fall to your shoulders. 

“I still can’t believe you’re working here.” Jace said after a few moments of silence, “what happened?”

“My parents kicked me out when I told them I didn’t want to be like them anymore. I needed a place to stay and a way to make money, and… well, I like the way they look at me.” You said, cringing at how vulnerable you sounded, yet you made your way over to Jace. He spread his legs out, pulling you down on top of him.

“Darling, I hate the thought of anyone else seeing your body. Please, you can’t stay here.” He said, placing his hands on your waist.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Wayland.” You smirked, tracing your hands down your chest, moving to the sound of the music. “I’m a big girl now.” 

Jace didn’t correct you on his name, instead his hands rubbed down your back, resting just above your ass. He smirked seeing how flustered you had become under his touch.

“Is this how they touch you?” He asked. 

“Usually, I don’t allow them to touch me,” you smirked, flipping your hair over your shoulder before bending down to whisper in his ear, “but I can make an exception for you.”

The two of you knew you had unfinished business, maybe one night together would be the closure you both needed, or maybe it would leave you feeling even more empty- either way, you both knew what you wanted. 

You placed a delicate kiss just under his ear, moving your hips to the music that played. He groaned, his hands coming back up to your waist to slow your pace. 

“Darling,” he whispered, “if you carry on like this you know where it’s going to lead to.” 

“I know… maybe I want it to lead to that.” You grinned, ripping yourself out of his arms and standing up, reaching behind you to unzip your dress. “I’ve missed you, Wayland.” 

Once again, Jace didn’t correct you. His attention was elsewhere. 

“Maybe I’ve missed you too.” He grins, shifting about in his seat, “now get over here.”

You do as he says, and he spins you around so your back is to him. He leaned forwards, placing one hand on your hip as the other came up to the zip of your dress. As he slowly dragged it down, exposing your back, goosebumps rose on your skin. He was always so gentle with you. 

He softly traces his finger over a long scar on your back, you had gotten this in your first fight. Jace wasn’t there to protect you, you had gotten into an argument and Jace being Jace, hadn’t answered any of your calls. He had never forgiven himself for it. 

He kissed the scar before turning you back around to face him. You dropped your dress to the ground, revealing the intense lingerie set you had been wearing. Jace immediately bit down on his lip, he couldn’t help the jealousy that had consumed him as he thought about you wearing this for many people to see. 

He still remembered the way your body felt under his, the way you would moan into his kisses, the way your legs would wrap around his waist when you begged for him to go faster. 

Noticing the bulge in his jeans, you smiled and placed your hands on his thighs, dropping to your knees. 

The room suddenly got hotter and the air was thick. You looked up at Jace through your lashes with lust-filled eyes, he looked down at you, his lips slightly parted as his chest heaved. He leaned down, placing a finger under your chin as he crashed his lips into yours. He always felt like heaven. 

As the kiss began to get more heated, your hands fumbled around with his belt. When it was off, you now worked to unbutton his jeans. Your mouth was almost watering at the thought of tasting him again, feeling him. 

When his jeans were unbuttoned, you pulled them down his thighs along with his boxers, his aching cock was already leaking precum. You swiped your finger over the top as you pulled away from his lips, slipping your finger into your mouth instead. He groaned at your actions, kissing your forehead before leaning back, spreading his legs out further. 

“You sure you wanna do this?” He asked, his voice dropped a few octaves, utterly consumed by lust. His fingers combed through your hair as you looked up at him. 

“Yes.” You stated bluntly, wrapping your hand around his cock. 

“Fuck,” he groaned as you began pumping his hand. 

You pressed a wet kiss to the tip of his dick before wrapping your lips around it, sucking on him like it was the last thing you would ever do. You couldn’t help but press your thighs together when he threw his head back, running a hand through his hair. 

You were determined to make this the best orgasm he’s had since leaving you, wanting to leave him begging for more. You hollowed your cheeks as you took him further down your throat, your hand working at the base. You placed your other hand on his bare thigh and felt him bucking his hips in time with your actions. 

The sounds he would make were music to your ears. His hand came down to push your hair away from your face, holding it in a makeshift ponytail before involuntarily thrusting his hips again, forcing you to take all of him into your mouth. Despite your best attempts to hold it back, you couldn’t help but gag as you felt it hit the back of your throat. He immediately apologised, but you didn’t care. It was clear he was enjoying this, so you did it again, allowing him to fuck your throat. 

“Holy shit,” he groaned, using his other hand to wipe away a tear that had slid down your cheek, “you’re so- so good… I’m not gonna last much longer, angel.” 

His words only encouraged you further. Needing to feel him finish in your mouth, you worked faster, bobbing your head and sucking harder. Your teeth accidentally grazed a vein on his cock and that’s when you felt him twitch inside your mouth. He pushed your head down so your nose was pressed into his pelvis as he came down your throat with a loud groan. 

As you swallowed it all, you pushed yourself up with the hand on his thigh and looked down at him, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, his head thrown back, you were ready to climb on his lap. 

Then there was a knock on the door. 

“Hey, y/n, it’s been 15 minutes now. I need to use this room soon.” A girl you guessed to be Lillian called from the other side of the door. 

You frowned, forgetting you were actually at work and if anyone found out you had sucked off a ‘customer’ you would probably lose your job. 

“Okay, we’re done now, anyway.” You shouted back, desperately trying to get your dress back on. 

As you reached behind to zip it up, you were met with Jace’s hands. He zipped your dress back up for you and kissed your shoulder. 

“Since I now have a favour to repay…” he whispered, handing you his phone to type your number in.

[redd-byrd]

i cannot believe i never thought to post this

the world needs to see it

my magnus opus

made on a high school trip with the help of my NAHS club acquaintances

BEHOLD

STRIPPER GARFIELD IN SIDEWALK CHALK

(plus stripper peppa pig in the corner but i didnt get a picture of that)

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

Magnus looked up, his forlorn eyes, a sad smile marring his beautiful face.

Alec bent down and cupped his cheeks. 

“What’s going on, baby?”

“I’m a doctor.”

He frowned. “I know.”

“I love dressing up but I can’t dress up as much as I want to because I’m a stupid doctor and have to wear boring scrubs for 90% of my time,” Magnus said seriously.

It had been the most ridiculous thing in the world Alec had ever heard but in that very moment he’d realised how impossibly gone he was for the other man because somehow, he’d felt bad for him. That he didn’t get to dress up as much as he wanted to. 

He couldn’t imagine it being anything but unconditional, desperate and stupid love.

“You can dress up at home,” he said, kissing his boyfriend’s cheeks. “And during dates. And on your ride to the hospital. There are so many opportunities, baby.”

Magnus sniffled, nodding. “Okay. What if I become a stripper though? Would you still love me?”

|| They say that lovers create a language of their own- a language that no one but them is privy to. But what happens when one of them has forgotten that language? Is the love forgotten too? ||

|| Dr. Magnus Lightwood-Bane and Alec Lightwood-Bane have been together for six years when Magnus meets with an accident and loses the past six years of his life. Amongst a few crucial things, Magnus loses the memory of how he acquired Edom Hospital, his success as an acclaimed Neurosurgeon across the country and most importantly—his husband and the love of his life, Alec Lightwood-Bane. ||

|| Magnus wakes up in 2016 with no memory of Alec Lightwood but complete memory of his ex-girlfriend, who he’s supposed to be in love with at the time.

||Yet another amnesia au filled with angst and angst and angst because there can never be too many of them.||

Chapter III of Hope Is A Dangerous Thing

tag list: @elettralightwood @khaleesiofalicante @noah-herondale-lightwood @carelessflower @anarchistbitch @dustandducks @pocketoffeels @literallytypogod @thepaintedlady @thelightofthebane @ignisaurumprobat9 @magnus-the-maqnificent @raziyekroos @dandeliononthemoon @delightfullyterrible @alec-not-alright-wood @kita-no @learningshelfcontrol @lifeofpatterns (let me know if anyone wants to be added or removed)

[mydaddywiki]

Carl XVI Gustaf

Physique: Average Build Height: 5’ 10½" (1.79 m)

Carl XVI Gustaf (Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus; born 30 April 1946 -) is King of Sweden. He ascended the throne on the death of his grandfather, Gustaf VI Adolf, on 15 September 1973 and is the longest-reigning monarch in Swedish history, having surpassed King Magnus IV's reign of 44 years and 222 days on 26 April 2018.

The King is passionate about the environment, technology, agriculture, trade and industry. He’s also has a keen interest in automobiles. The King is the honorary chairman of the World Scout Foundation, and often participates in Scout activities both in Sweden and abroad. That’s kinda fitting as he helped pitched a tent in my pants.

A handsome silverfox with a Jim Broadbent look to him, King Carl was seen as the perfect 21st-century monarch and an ordinary family man loved by his people. While his 45-year marriage to Queen Silvia was credited as a wonderful example of partnership with three children and eight grandchildren. For years, his only acknowledgement of a racier world was the stable of fast cars he enjoyed driving.

Then I find out he had wild sex parties with strippers, a lengthy affair with a singer in the 1990s and visited exclusive strip clubs during foreign visits; in Atlanta during the 1996 Olympics and in Slovakia in 2008. And after one big dinner ­celebrating a successful elk hunt, he is said to have enjoyed sex with two women at the same time. Shit... now I want to fuck him more.

[cityofdownwardspirals]

As promised, here is a sneak peek at that AU that won the poll👀

"Oooh, are those real handcuffs?” Magnus asked, intrigued. He reached out to touch the metal loops that were fastened to the man’s belt.

That seemed to alert ‘Officer Lightwood’, because he put a hand on Magnus’s wrist to stop him.“...please don’t touch those, Sir.”

That simple gesture made Magnus’s head fill with so many impure thoughts of what that strong grip could do to him that he got distracted and almost forgot to react. He pulled his hand back with a little gasp. “Oh, I am so sorry, I didn't realize the ‘just looking ,no touching’ rule applies to your props as well. I would never touch you without consent... even though I am dying to get my hands on you,” he admitted, a smile spreading on his face again.

The man’s face was completely red now and Magnus found it beyond adorable. For someone in that line of work, the man in front of him sure got flustered easily. Maybe that was what made him so charming.

The moment was broken when someone came up behind Magnus. “Magnus, no one hired a stripper,” Isabelle said and he turned around to look at her. He saw her eyes widen once she caught sight of the other man at the door. “Alec?”

Magnus narrowed his eyes, looking between the two of them, confused. “Wait, you two know each other?”

Isabelle slowly nodded. “Alec is my brother.”

“You didn’t warn me that your brother is a hot stripper.”

“That’s because he’s not,” Isabelle said, biting her lip as if she was trying not to laugh. “He’s a police officer.”

[carnagechicken]

An incomplete list of nhl players (past and present) who I think would be good strippers/exotic dancers (presented by someone who knows nothing about strippers, strip clubs, any type of clubs, dancing, pole dancing, etc)

Matthew Tkachuk > born performer who knows what audiences want. Looks great wet. Can't dance which is a con, but he could just pour water all over himself, stick his tongue out and smile and that would work just fine

Juuse Saros > One word: flexible. He comes on stage and you're thinking 'oh, he looks so sweet and innocent' and then bam! full splits center stage. (I've heard rumors that he can twerk in the splits and that's how he gets a party going)

Marc-Andre Fleury > another flexible guy, but his thing is performances that make people laugh and have fun. And then at the very end he does something to remind you that he's hot and you're gonna be thinking about it days later.

Tyler Seguin > (oh, come on, you knew he'd be on the list) VERY popular with the bachelor/bachelorette parties. He brings a girls gone wild energy that some people love and some people are turned off by, but he knows who's who and only interacts with the ones who like it.

Laurent Brossiot > interestingly, he never strips. He just walks on stage in full suit and tie, stands and poses for a minute, then leaves, and left behind is a room full of the horniest people you've ever met. He only does one show a week and it's wildly popular.

Kris Letang > I don't need to say any more, you get it.

Erik Johnson > he's just a fun guy. Perhaps not the one people find the sexiest but he gets a good back and forth with the audience and for that reason is a favorite.

Vince Dunn > the dancer who tries *so* hard to keep a sexy expression, but keeps going all smiley and blushy

Patric Hornqvist > this is a man who loves to be naked. No one has ever seen him in more than underwear.

Gabriel Landeskog > his thing is seductively putting his clothes back on. Comes out on stage naked, leaves it fully clothed. No one is quite sure why they like it, but everyone does.

Tristan Jarry > his shows are him removing a pair off laced up work boots. That is the only thing he takes off, even the socks stay on. Nobody complains about the lack of skin because they're all too busy with their boners and what being attracted to that even means.

*Other staff members*

Bouncers:

Jamie Oleksiak > he's the bouncer who looks really intimidating, you get to know him and realize he's a sweetheart, then someone needs to be kicked out and he takes care of it so fast you're left wondering if you're scared or horny (the answer is both).

Magnus Hellberg > he's got such a nice smile people forget that he could do some damage if he had to. He manages to pull of patting people on the top of their head without making it condescending.

Leon Draisaitl > Mostly just glares people into submission. And because Jamie and Magnus are *so* tall, he seems short. Right up until he has to go toe to toe with someone and everyone suddenly remembers he's actually really big. His favorite way of taking out people is a hit to the crotch, and if asked he'll claim it was accidental. He ONLY pats peoples' heads with condescension.

Adam Larsson > Works great with Magnus, they can speak about potential problems without alarming anyone as they both speak Swedish. very calm, very controlled, a real steady presence. But harass his baby (vince) and not even god can save you.

Waitstaff:

Tyson Barrie > will flirt with everyone but someone flirts back and he gets flustered. EJ and Landy constantly pulls him on stage to dance on him and get in a little light groping. He would complain but...he doesn't want to.

Bryan Rust > super helpful with explaining the menu (do strip clubs have menus? do they even have food?) If you make fun of his stutter Big Rig will kill you.

Conor Sheary > another guy under the protection of Big Rig. Costumer Reviews have described him as "a delight" "a sweetheart" and "he reminds me of my grandson".

Jeremy Swayman and Linus Ullmark > technically they're supposed to serve different tables but no one actually tries to enforce that. No one hits on them because anyone with a brain can see there's no point. Very flirtatious with each other. They hug after every shift.

Bartenders:

Brian Dumoulin > has great wine recommendations. Is such a great conversationalist you forget he's only wearing a mesh t-shirt and leather pants.

Sidney Crosby > serves drinks and looks. Work outfit is a crop top and black booty shorts that say "if you can read this, I'm bending over" on the ass.

Feel free to add more

[thomas-jefferson-jr]

It’s true, Thomas. Magnus is a hoe…a whore…a slut. Wouldn’t be surprised if he was a stripper.

Aren’t we all, in a way, sluts. I am anyway. But anyway-@magnus-falafelking @mallory-keen-to-kill @alex-fierro-pr-nightmare who is sending these?

[sandylee007]

'

The Ballad of a Heron and a Crow' chapter 1 is now out.

REAL WORLD AU

Mob member/boss Alec

Stripper (only in the first chapter) Magnus

Magnus doesn’t know how long he’s been trapped into a life he absolutely doesn’t want. When an opportunity to escape shows itself he grabs on with both hands. Can he really escape for good?

Alec has been the leader of his family since his father passed on the position to him. It’s not the life he wants but it was one he was born into. What happens when he meets Magnus?

Can something as innocent as love prevail in their cruel world?

PROMPT BY Crazy_glitter (@Sivambika9)

ESTIMATED AMOUNT OF CHAPTERS MAY CHANGE.

[miroyuuu]

Okay talking about my headcanon that skwisgaar has ocd:

Gonna talk about his intrusive thoughts (warning for violence & sexual shit), fear of contamination and perfectionism.

First of all, for anyone who doesn't know, intrusive thoughts are a big OCD thing, these are disturbing or disgusting etc. thoughts that are obviously unwanted and distressing and frequently focus on certain themes.

Skwisgaar struggles a lot with really horrible sexual intrusive thoughts about his mother, one of the most common ones that keeps popping up in his head is the flashback of his mother when he was trauamtized by her as a kid. Its like reliving it all over again and it leaves him feeling sick and disgusted everytime.

Seeing his mother triggers it the most of course, and whenever she visits mordhaus, he obviously hates being near her for a multitude of reasons, one of biggest ones being how sexually explicit she is with no concern for boundaries or other's peoples comfort, and he'll vent to the other guys about it, but only to a very small extent, comments that we see talking about 'why ams she wearins that fuckins dress, ams she a strippers' etc.

Skwisgaar keeps it all to himself, disgusted by the thoughts and obviously never wanting to share them or talk about them. Maybe after so many years of knowing and living with each other, the more perceptive members start to get an inkling of what he's dealing with (if you wanna go the charles has ocd too route, maybe charles senses he's suffering with it too and tries to offer a bit of comfort without addressing the ocd itself but we know Charles isn't the best at comforting and skwisgaar isnt the best at allowing himself to be vulnerable around people)

Anyways, so you can imagine just how extra horrible all those serveta scenes are for skwisgaar, like the end of the cursed christmas special, and of course, when he moves back to sweden only to be retraumatized all over again. He keeps these thoughts secret for years and never intends on sharing them with anyone.

After Toki gets kidnapped by Magnus, he starts getting a lot of intrusive thoughts about Toki getting tortured etc, and the image of Toki hanging upside down, all bloody and beat and starved is burned into his mind forever. For a while after doomstar, maybe skwisgaar even avoids toki because seeing him triggers these thoughts even worse, and it builds up until Toki finally confronts him.

Now as you know I love skwistok lol and I think if they were at a point in their relationship where Skwisgaar chooses to trust Toki with Knowing him and all his vulnerabilities and struggles etc he would open up about it, sobbing and not being able to bear looking at toki but needing to explain what horrible shit is happening in his head and why it makes it so difficult. "It ams likes, my worst nightmares, yous just, gettins stabbs overs and overs, and Magnus ams deres and he ams doings... De worst tings to you... Sometimes it amnsts even hims, sometimes it ams mes .." you get it some real big angst hurt and comfort stuff. Toki understands, sees his distress and tries his best to reassure him that he knows him and knows skwisgaar would never want to hurt him and never want to see him hurt.

Okay, now for the contamination OCD side of things.

Skwisgaar takes really long elaborate showers, has a whole routine and process to decontaminate that he has to repeat over and over until it just Feels Right, and if he wasn't a god with life & healing powers (and a bunch of expensive creams and products) his skin would probably be scrubbed dry. The sheer grossness of dethklok and their party till you vomit lifestlye though acts as really good exposure therapy lol and over time he gets better and better with all his contamination ocd related compulsions like showers handwashing, and just generally feels less repulsed and anxious going about life than he used to. He's never felt so liberated getting nasty with dethklok lol

Alright, a big ocd thing too is this whole 'just right' thing, where you have to keep repeating something over and over until it feels right. It makes recording sessions even harder when he has to keep playing the same lick over and over until it feels right, even tho the guys swear the last one was fine.

He also has the whole perfectionist thinking (another big ocd thing) too, when it comes to recording sessions and obviously, releasing albums. He and Nathan kind of share this, and will keep rerecording, redoing, and rewriting trying to get things perfect until they get exhausted, and become too overwhelmed to finish. This is pretty much canon, we see this esp in Nathan deleting albums over and over and being concerned about it not being perfectly brutal enough. It seems like they're either working on the album really intensively trying to get it perfect, or not working on it at all and avoiding deadlines.

Im getting a headache staring at my screen typing this so gonna wrap it up there, hope you enjoyed!

[tetsunabouquet]

Multifandom Headcanon: Prison world AU

A/N: Alright, one of my first ideas for a fanfic I ever had which is a prompt I still remember, was a prison AU that is eerily like the Bonnie and Damon prison world arc from TVD. I still feel like I prophesizied this arc. I never let that idea go and one of the webcomics I hope to create (if my new drawing tablet is of good enough quality to work with) is actually me working out this prompt with a set of fantasy characters that eventually will have their own multidimensional shennanigans alongside debauchery caused mayhem. This multifandom headcanon is basically which characters I can see would work well for my webcomic.

-Sasha Braus & Connie Springer from Attack On Titan/Slap On Titan: These two are made for an AU like this. Because my AU requires some serious crazy dumbfucks. Which is why their Slap On Titan counterparts would work even better. Especially Connie's stripper Chihuahua thing. -Lizzie Saltzman from TVDU: Out of all the TVD characters, Lizzie in the prison world is exactly the vibe of my webcomic: she treats the world like her playground and she's just vibing with being imprisoned. Also, I'll never forget her making out with Sebastian when Landon was in the trunk because that is so gonna be my webcomic. -Lily Chen from TSC: Lily's smart but her brain is fried enough that she ends up getting sucked down by idiocy all the same. I can see Lily having a similar rant to my sea sprite OC about a lack of interdimensional maintenance. Whilst Magnus would also seem like a great addition at first, there's something about the pain and tragedy of Magnus that I feel like he would not fair well in the prison dimension in the long run. -Jinx from Arcane: I can imagine Jinx to be counting down the days for Pyromania Day every year with everyone else running and hiding a month in advance because they know Jinx will just burn at least three towns to the ground for fun. -Kiyoshi Teppei from KNB: He is a lovable himbo that's also mentally tough and able to handle a lot. He can handle whatever shit gets thrown at him with grace. An necessary ingredient. -Diego and Lila from The Umbrella Academy: Speaking of lovable himbos that can handle a lot and prison that only triggers further memories of a certain lovable ship. These two would absolutely function well in this place. I'd put Klaus here too, but unfortuntely this world does not have ghosts as my version of the prison dimension has people aging until senior age but instead of dying in their sleep, people just fall into an eternal coma to also keep their souls imprisoned. -Nagisa 'Thugisa' from the Free! parody: This dude already was in prison and he would certainly function in this world too. Absolutely part of the crazy dumbfuck line-up. -Pike from ElfQuest: If there is one guy I would think of to hand out the drugs and booze in his own inn where everyone is staying for the night- Pike would be the number one character who comes to mind. There even was that one volume of when the tribe split and they got attacked by these mosquito-esque creatures that Pike's blood to a certain percentage is made out of alcohol with how often he eats those fucking dreamberries. Also Sasha would certainly be corrupted by Pike. Imagine Sasha with edibles… That is bound to go wrong! -Sokka from ATLA: From being a genius strategist to the comedic relief that managed to get away with tripping on LSD on a literal children's tv show, obviously he has to be part of this cast. And to those of you who don't know, there are two breeds of cacti particularly known for having similar chemical properties to LSD in their juice… My mom actually ones of of those which is how I got curious enough to investigate the cactus juice thing.

[jeffgoldblumsmulletinthe90s]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @catknives

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

83... aw it looks like a face!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

857,649!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently, Stranger Things. Previously: The Magnus Archives, IT: Chapter 2, The Umbrella Academy, Fantastic Beasts, Star Wars, EDM RPF, Marvel Comics, and Trigun.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

from most to fifth most: If you ever need a helping hand, In a City, Reconstructed, There's nothing wrong with me (loving you), Holding hands in space, Just send for me (oh baby!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not always succeed.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmmmm... My Kylo character study? I mean it is called This pain will not make you stronger lol

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think it's Have Your Heart In My Mouth because they're like in love and getting mated/married!!!!! It's just goofy fun. But I write a lot of happy endings, I swear.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah lol and I love it come fight me in the comments I WILL engage

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yeah pretty much the majority of my fics are rated E

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Sorry, I do not!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeesh, I have. Mostly people reposting stuff, especially RPF stuff.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I have!! In a City, Reconstructed is translated into Russian.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I am trying to figure out how to do that so I can post the skull rock free use thread I made with @grandmastattoo. But I will be honest I do not know how to do it.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I........ I don't know... this is too hard a choice

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

If you think you're getting more of the fantabi stripper au I have terrible news: I know how it goes and I'm never going to finish it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I am very funny :) and I write good dialogue

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

On god, I should have an editor. I think I'm a better self-editor than I am. But no one can stop me except me and I am so bad at that.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Actually one time I wrote a fic (NOT ON AO3) with Marty that's partly in French and it rules. I love multilingualism.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter (Sirius/Remus)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I think it's In a City, Reconstructed or With Teeth. But maybe someday it'll be Helping hand.

I need to tag people but uhhhhhhhhhhh UHHHHHHHHHHHH idek please do this and tag me if you want

[cowbutch-chastity]

The W.I.P.’s Game

Rules: post the names of all the files in your wip folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! Geez, I’m really getting called out for my adhd here, cause I have a lot of shit that’s been started and untouched for a while. Not to mention my stupid WIP file names and their content. I’ll categorize it by ship. Lots of these are nsfw and degenerate, you’ve been warned

Griddlehark (Gideon/Harrow - The Locked Tomb)

Griddlehark Domestic Bliss AAAa

The Revered Daughter’s Favorite Dog

Griddlehark College AU Post Sexxxxxxo Chapter 1

Lightcannon (Jinx/Lux - League/Arcane)

Petplay Nothigns

Lux in Stirrup Thigh Highs footjob - Jinx dies and goes to heaven (I’m sorry)

Moicy (Mercy/Moira - Overwatch)

Stripper Angela titles are hard

Moira catches feels for her new juice box (Vampire Moicy Chapter 4)

CaitVi (Caitlyn/Vi - League/Arcane)

Cait cleans Vi up after a workout -orally-

Werewolf Vi Aka Cait get’s a big dog that she straps

Deep Devotion

Lysigard (Lysithea/Edelgard - FE 3 Houses)

Mistakes at Court (This one is a gift for @booking-and-blogging)

Shiara (Fem Commander Shepard/Liara - Mass Effect)

Liara Ardat-Yakshi AU

Earthborn Shepard Poverty and Addiction Hurt/Comfort

Dasira (Daisy/Basira - The Magnus Archives)

TFW your butch werewolf GF needs to be mommy dommed even tho she’s 9 years older

Mercymorn/Augustine (The Locked Tomb)

Mercymorn Femdom make that david bowie ass queer man cry

Tagged by @ghostofyaz and @calchexxis

Tagging @booking-and-blogging @heroinejinx and @thewriterinthebatcave