#but either they treat her like that because neurodivergent or because her body and mental age aren’t the same

[quibbs126]

Yeah this is sort of what I mean when I say that the Cookies of Darkness treat her like a child. Like I’ve heard some of these back when I was a kid, and it feels like behavior and words used for a child, at least to me

[princesscolumbia]

[tw - "r" word]

When I first got married, I had zero concept of the difference between autism, CP, epilepsy, etc. Thanks to the toxicly [insert prefix for anything here]-typical environment I grew up in, everything "not normal" was lumped into one blob and shoved "over there" so "normal" people didn't have to deal with it, and since "normal" people don't have to deal with it, they don't have to learn about it.

(I've got a whole rant about how this relates to Purity Cults, but that'll be for another time.)

When I found out my (then future, now ex) wife had epilepsy, I started learning what I could about it, mostly from her, and keeping myself open to different types of epilepsy and discovering that no, it's not like autism or cerebral palsy or deafness or anything like that. This was my first exposure to my own ignorance of comorbidities and how the world I grew up in slammed a whole BUNCH of people into the category of "retarded" when they may just have been hard of hearing (not even medically deaf) and because they needed "special" attention were shoved into the same class as anyone else deemed "not normal."

(Insert flashbacks to being shoved in the "special ed" class with the low-functioning kids from a variety of neurodivergencies because I was ADHD, undiagnosed, with comorbid clinical depression resulting in a hideous intelligence and zero outlets for it. The teachers were treated as glorified babysitters and had no idea what to do with me because I clearly didn't belong in their class either.)

My ex used to be an Interpreter for the Deaf, which further fractured the previous mental image of neurodivergence that I had, even if I didn't know the words. Deaf people have the same capabilities and challenges that everyone else has...hell, most of them could be considered bilingual given that Sign is often a different language branch entirely from the so-called "parent" language.

(American Sign Language, for example, is based on French and has almost jack and shit to do with British Sign, and that's one example)

When my daughter came along and was at first deemed "developmentally disabled," I only really had memories of the horrible "special ed" class I'd been shoved in, so was panicked that she'd never have a happy, healthy life. The nail in the coffin, it seemed at the time, was when she was diagnosed as autistic. Because of the horrific lack of proper education of what that meant when I grew up, I had a specific picture of what that looked like and it was very, very bad. Said mental picture also did NOT match what I was seeing in my daughter. This was the final blow that shattered my idea of what it meant to be neurodivergent, and it took a couple years, but I finally accepted, literally decades after the diagnosis, that I was ADHD and maybe I shouldn't be beating up on myself for not being "normal enough" and just get my damn meds and start learning how to exist while ADHD.

(I've started having fun with it, I can get done 20 times what an NT person can in a fraction of the time by properly managing my hyper-fixations.)

I now live in a committed relationship with a wonderful girlfriend who's on the autism spectrum and has her own unique, sometimes really neat, often endearing, traits to her ND than what I have or my daughter has. I'm in an online relationship that is very likely to soon turn into an IRL relationship, and they're ADHD and their ND has different and distinct traits.

(Yes, I'm polyamorous. Yes, my life is complicated AF)

My daughter is at the age where "learning compassion" is taking a mental back-seat to "WTF is my body even doing to me and how do I know who, or even if I want to, kiss?!" so I give her some latitude when she expresses how much she doesn't like being lumped in with the lower-functioning kids in her class at the autism-centric school she's in. She knows better than to say it out loud and in the class, but she'll vent about her frustration with "the lower functioning kids" and express her disgust about their lack of control or understanding of their bodily functions. I give her this latitude because her other mother (my ex) is raising our daughter with the same mentality that she was raised with as a child with epilepsy.

(Remember that trigger warning at the beginning? Yeah, you thought I'd already triggered the conditions for it, didn't you? Well, buckle up, it gets very un-pretty at this point)

My ex is about 4 years older than me. If the environment I was raised in was toxic, what with the political situation of Colorado being fairly "purple" by today's metrics and catching the tail-end of the 70s by the time I entered pre-school, my ex was raised in the equivalent to battery acid. See, she had epilepsy, which meant she was "retarded." "Don't expect her to live very long," the philosophy of the doctors in the area and at the time was, "She's probably going to choke on her own tongue in her sleep or convulse her head into the pavement and kill herself during a seizure. Retarded children can't live full, productive lives, just keep her from experiencing enough Life to know what she's missing and make sure her last years are comfortable so when she does pass it's at least not traumatic to you or her siblings."

(I could spill more tea on that family, but I'm trying not to think about it for my own mental health.)

My ex knows better and I can see that she's trying not to perpetuate that particular abuse with our daughter, but she does fall into patterns older than she is quite often, treating our daughter as a "retarded" kid being crammed into a NT mold.

And she genuinely thinks that our daughter only wants to live with me because I'm "the fun parent."

Way way back I drew a comic explaining what we really mean by ‘The Autism Spectrum’ and posted it here back when Tumblr was Huge. Then the comic really blew up!! Last year I did a remake of the comic, with some updated language, and using Mia, a character from a graphic novel I made. Figured I’d share for Autism Acceptance Month!

[annyankers]

also hot take (?): but vampires DO have souls. the creation of a vampire in btvs lore is literally that a demonic essence/spirit/spiritual energy (in this instance a vampiric one and not some other kind of demon) enters a human corpse and parasitically latches on, altering the human corpse to better suit it with an initial burst of spooky evil demon magic (which is part of why i never think any lore that says vampire can't do magic makes sense like, how do you think they even function fam?). it then uses the info and identity of the former inhabitant that's all still locked up in those dead synapses to help it acclimate to the new dimension and build a sense of identity. you can argue that the vampire is not your dead friend but what is a person if not their memories and thoughts? all of which the vampire now shares too. so that's a fun little thing to puzzle on in philosophy class.

vampires in the buffy world are pretty explicitly a manufactured creature built of a demonic essence/entity grafted into a human cadaver which merge to make a new species which is why they're so low on the demon hierarchy. they're the most mongrel-y of all the half-breeds. what is the soul if not a spiritual essence that fuels and motivates the body? the metaphysical component that makes the system complete? what is the vampire of not a perversion of the human condition? does it not then stand that the vampire soul is the twisted mirror of the human one?

the thing is that while this is Kinda Common Sense when you sit down and just look at objectively how the vampire is made it's a dangerous concept in universe and we fall pray to believe the same propaganda built to ensnare our characters.

the slayer was made in almost the exact same process as a vampire only with a living subject-- a demonic essence grafted into a human host. there is no magic leash on a slayer, there are no words that can be chanted to bring her to heel, the watchers have to use standard psychological manipulation to control her. a slayer who realizes that she has more in common with vampires on a fundamental level than she does humans (tho not on a moral or motivation level obvs) is very dangerous to their control and to the concept of "slayer as sheepdog" as a whole. conditioning them to see vampires as animals and not sentient humanoid beings with thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams, who have souls that while demonic are no less valid in their existence then any human one is integral to keeping the machine working and keeping your young emotionally/mentally vulnerable weapon from having a nervous breakdown because she just you know, massacred a whole bunch of people. fangy people, but people none the less.

btvs and the watcher council mentality the main btvs cast is tainted by is incredibly human centric, watch even a little of ats and it becomes glaringly obvious. ats is extremely flawed but one of it's strongest points was letting us see the expanded world of demons and non-human culture. the issue is then that buffy and co come off as rabid human-centrists because of how they talk about vampires and demons as a whole. there's a reason tara didn't want them to know she was half demon when she thought that line was true. the scoobies spout anti-demon rhetoric like it's their jobs. the way they treat anya is horrendous and it's because she has the Taint of demon and neurodivergence coding (which is a whole different kettle so).

the continued talk about spike like he's a subhuman while he's either at their mercy or on their side is galling. you cannot be called the good guys and then treat other sentient creatures like animals and vermin to be killed or mocked for your amusement. full stop. you cannot claim a moral high ground and behave like this which is what the scoobies consistently claim. they believe they are in the moral right and have the moral high ground consistently. when in reality they are pretty fucked up and have done repugnant immoral shit multiple times (hello all the various scoobie caused invasions of personal autonomy!). you can be a protagonist and have uh... Dodgey Morals™ (ex. the punisher) but when you claim you are better because you have better morals but also refuse to see the other side as even worthy of being seen as a truly living creature with like feelings and shit now i'm treating you with contempt.

there are people who will say that buffy was the sole victim of the toxicity that is s6 spuffy but if you believe that you also are tacitly agreeing that her belief that spike is an "it", an animal with no bodily autonomy to respect or feelings to hurt or be manipulated is true. and why? because he's a vampire? he has a soul, a demonic soul. he literally would not exist if a metaphysical entity/force hadn't entered william pratt's fucking corpse and make it theirs. this is an inherently repugnant act and even if we all sit down and agree she did nothing else to contribute to this toxicity she still looked another sentient being who she knew had some kind of feelings for her, used his want and his desperation to abuse herself with and spent the entire time considering him as something between cattle and a lamp. i'm sorry but that's wildly fucked up at it's core and if you can't see that i worry for you.

what if she was dating a nice half-bracken guy and she did all that shit to him? if he tried to stop her from turning herself in for a crime she didn't commit and then beat him bloody and called him an it, a thing, not a person, not real? are you still okay with that because he's a demon? are humans the only species in your eyes with the right to personhood in this universe? do you, like buffy and co, prefer to take the words of a group known to manipulate everything and who treat girls like buffy as things themselves over the evidence you see before your eyes on screen and the actions and words of the demons themselves? buffy's actions towards spike from s4 to s6 are repugnant because they're no longer enemies and she's no longer the council's attack dog but she still refuses to give him the basic decency of personhood.

and you can get into all kinds about shit about how vampires are evil and he's done terrible things and i will not respect you for using any of that to try and say it's okay to treat someone who you relay on or are in any kind of relationship with like they're a thing. otherization and depersonification are tools used to make it "okay" to commit atrocities. for every spike who you say it's "okay" to treat like an animal, there's a harmony who isn't really all that bad and happily switches to bagged blood and integrates pretty peacefully into human society when given the chance. and she will get put right next to spike as an animal to be killed because she doesn't matter. using his past actions to deny him the right of personhood is a lazy tactic to divert the discussion and absolve buffy and co of moral failings.

the nazis are also evil, but i will not deny they are people. doesn't mean i wouldn't take the shot if i had one if i was put in that position. it just means i acknowledge i ended a life that probably meant something to someone. and that's my issue with buffy and co. that's my issue with "vampires are soulless" and buffy's treatment of spike in s6 and how people talk about it. regardless of literally anything else either of them did, denying another sentient being the right to be acknowledged as one while still demanding things from them is inherently a core repugnant act. she is willing to use his feelings and body for her advantage but also refuses to respect them as real and just as valid as hers. again, how would you feel if she treated lorne like this? if she demanded things of him but didn't respect his basic right to be seen as a valid sentient being just like her?

in btvs vampires have souls, demons have souls, and they all deserve the basic decency to have that acknowledged. even by the slayer. especially by the slayer frankly since she is also in her own way One Of Them and if she's going to hunt them down and kill them she can at least acknowledge that she ended a life and didn't just flip an off switch. if you can't get with this whole concept of the validity of non-human life in a universe where the MCs humanity is frequently questioned and the Other and Otherism is frequently a theme then i really am not interested in talking to you.

[enberlight]

Can we get some Good Vibes? ❤

I know all of us have been having A Time the last two years. But it's been ramping up really bad for my family lately, and we've reached a rather precarious tipping point. With our mental and physical health, as well as our finances. We're dodging foreclosure and losing utilities right now, while trying to get answers on several health problems and processing the grief of losing Grandma on top of all the Other Fun Stress.

I'd appreciate some good vibes and signal boosts, both would go a long way toward cheering me up (and replacing some of this stress with positivity!)

I'm a queer neurodivergent artist (and writer) supporting a mixed-race family of four (plus pupper). My job has been on reduced hours for over a year and we can't make ends meet any more when I'm getting between 10-20 hours a week. They keep promising it'll get better so I keep hanging in there, but... It's been two years of promises now. Hub is back in school to get away from retail and help us be independent again, but that's going to take time and we're struggling now. I can't hunt up another job because I'm home with our toddler.

I take art commissions over on @caffeinatedmagpie (I do digital paintings and 3D renders of OCs, novel and series characters), and I have a ko-fi if anyone wants to drop a little tip. Art is slow at the moment as my health is iffy (appointment in May), but I will field commission inquiries on @caffeinatedmagpie.

Further details about our situation:

Financially we're in quite a mess now. My income was cut in half last year (pandemic wrecked my industry) and has been even lower lately, so we can't even limp along any more. We have over $8k in medical debt from the hit-and-run that totaled my car at the end of 2020, plus accounts that went into collections while I couldn't work due to the recovery from my injuries. We missed the last mortgage payment, and our water was cut off today. (March 22.) I'm working on arrangements for those, but it's been difficult to scrape anything together this month. What we had went to funeral expenses and replacing a blown tire.

Health wise things are iffy too. Hub is diabetic and our older son has a new food allergy, so both are on restricted diets that make the grocery bill tricky. Kbit (12) has also been in severe stomach pain all year, we're seeing a gastroenterologist next week to find out why (avoiding the allergen hasn't helped). I'm seeing a doctor in May to find out why I've developed severe menorrhagia (which nearly sent me to the ER last week due to anemia and drop in blood pressure). That's on top of my chronic pain, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and depression. We were treating those last year but the meds caused me to get severe full body tremors for a few months until we cut them out. (I am now rather adrift with all this stress. Fun. Thus the need for good vibes!)

The littlest bit (almost 3) is pretty healthy but the State is nagging me about his speech delays, so we're getting him some options for that. He has upcoming appointments with audiology and Autism screening; I don't expect either to pan out. He's just on his own schedule, like Kbit was.

The dog is doing great and is possibly the laziest border collie mix in existence. She's been comfort cuddling our older son, and watching over me. She has a full time job of laying down with whoever needs her, basically. Good pupper.

Anyway thanks for listening, I almost never spill details like this but I've been holding all the stressors in for two damned years now and I just got overwhelmed finally. Woo.

So like. Can I get a nice big pile of good vibes to boost us up? Because I am not enjoying myself @.@

Signal boosts for my art account and ko-fi also go a long way to help. Thank you ❤

- Enber, 22 March 2022

[partywithponies]

drop the abc murders game? i love that book 2. opinions on the hetty feather tv show?

1)

2) Bad. Like it's well written and well acted and I like what they did with Sheila's character and her arc but overall just. No. Bad. They completely erased all disabled characters from the book, Saul's gone, Martha's gone, Gideon had all his autism coding, neurodivergences and mental illnesses, and eventual suicide attempt and subsequent disability removed. The carnival freaks never put in an appearance. None of the many many disabled characters from the Clover Moon/Rose Rivers/Hetty Feather's Christmas trilogy are even alluded to or have their story ideas borrowed like some other concepts from those books were. There aren't even any disabled background characters in either the foundling hospital or the circus. THEY REMOVED ALL TRACE OF DISABLED PEOPLE FROM THE FOUNDLING HOSPITAL AND THE WORLD OF VICTORIAN CIRCUSES. Even though one of the main themes of the books and a deliberate point Jacqueline Wilson was trying to make is how absolutely atrociously and inhumanely certain groups of people were treated historically and up until far more recently than you think, disabled children especially, even the disabled children of wealthy families like Beth Rivers or poor Mary-Ann, but especially poor disabled children. Like, the Foundling Hospital was a real place. A real place that actually existed and historically was very full of real life disabled children, since they were the babies struggling mothers least felt they could care for, and thus historically always made up a hefty percentage of the population of the Hospital. Historically the Foundling Hospital had so many disabled children that they were well known for having a large children's choir entirely made up of blind children. (This is what Martha's one talent being an angelic singing voice is alluding to in the books.)

And yet, the one (1) disabled major character in the entire TV series is a rich kid who's treated just fine and normally and whose life is pretty great, who doesn't even have any major storylines of his own because he's already got everything, while everyone at the Foundling Hospital, and the workhouse, and circus, and living as servants, everyone who's portrayed as oppressed and on a noble quest to rise up and be seen as human beings whose lives are valuable, even the foundling who dies and there's a whole speech about how she was a human being and her life mattered, they're all able-bodied and allistic and neurotypical now don't worry about it lol.

Like, this isn't even just a sanitisation of the books and an erasure of book characters and themes, this is a complete sanitisation of history and a complete erasure of real people's real lives.

So yeah I don't like it very much.

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

I swear, the only thing that frustrates me more than the writers use of the "you can be disabled, just not too disabled" trope is how quick the FNDM is to accept it and not think about it any further.

Like, someone on the r/RWBY reddit posted about how they don't like how Ironwood"s disabilities were being used to demonize him, and the first comment on the post said that their points were invalid because Yang and Pietro exist.

First of all, Yang and Pietro's disabilities are not nearly as extensive as Ironwood's. Yang only lost one arm and has PTSD that was treated and I guess cured after volume 6. Pietro is a paralyzed man who does not have PTSD or any mental illness or neurodivergence from what I gather, and has been seen in the show down playing a PTSD survivor's trauma and trauma related fears despite the fact that he works with amputees daily.

People would either have to be really deliberately obtuse to not see that Ironwood being treated the way he was is a problem BECAUSE he's the most heavily disabled, or they just lack empathy for anyone who has a different body from them and refuse to comprehend that their view of disabled people is inherently bigoted.

Sorry for ranting in your inbox, I just get really annoyed with the blatant ableism in the show and FNDM.

First off never apologize for ranting in my inbox, I really enjoy hearing what people have to say about RWBY. And I agree. It’s horrible how CRWBY uses that vile trope and how the FNDM think’s we’re just facist bootlickers because we call CRWBY out for using such disgusting tropes. 

I don’t care how many uh “good”| things a show does, that does not make it immune to critique. But the issue is that Yang and Pietro are not even good examples. Yang just gets over her PTSD and the show regularly forgets she even has a prosthetic and Pietro is barely on screen. We don’t know anything about him really besides being Penny’s dad, he’s a scientist and he’s disabled. I hesitate to say Yang “only” lost an arm because losing any limb can be very traumatic and, at first at least, it was for Yang and I do not want to diminish that. I think the more important thing here is that CRWBY doesn’t treat Yang really like she is disabled. Her prosthetic is considered a “prop” by some members of the team when it even is remembered and that is an issue. 

The big issue is that James’s prosthetics are treated as the reason he turned evil which is just extremely gross and ableist and it is just not right that CRWBY and the fans try and pretend it isn’t because it is. James’s arc is extremely ableist and perpetrates extremely harmful stereotypes about disabled people but CRWBY doesn’t care and it frustrates me so much. 

[mellometal]

Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too. 

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs): 

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man. 

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want. 

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too. 

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around. 

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

[13tinysocks]

I wanna see some anti fanfic rec plspls

You asked for it. May I present, a creepypasta x reader anti-reading list.

Quick Disclaimer: No author names will be dropped nor fic links or sites they’re on. I dislike these works but I don’t want anybody to be harassed. Don’t go after people, holy shit. These works are only here because of some heavily disturbing content. One of them just makes me super mad because of a few circumstances. These are purely my opinions. I am not writing Jesus nor do I write the cleanest stories out there. Dark topics should be explored in fiction. However, some things just shouldn’t fucking be romanticized. Fanfic is practice, I’m not taking points off for wonky writing.

You’re allowed to like whatever the fuck you want. I’m not shaming you or the authors. I’m talking about media I dislike, which I am completely allowed to do. If your friend or favorite author’s work is in here, maybe don’t send this to them. I get it’s tempting but still, it could be upsetting. Again, don’t fucking harass anybody. 

This list is in order of - Pisses me off to FBI open up to whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck.

Content warning for: Rape, miscarriages, abortion, necrophilia, sexism, child grooming, multiple types of abuse, ablism, and meanie head criticism of popular fics. Seriously, this gets exceptionally bad at the final one. 

First up in our lineup a pretty popular. It’s the least upsetting and problematic. It’s a various creepypasta x reader mansion fic. This is more of an honorable mention because it’s frustrating to read over being super bad.

Recruited.

Summary: (Y/n) killed an attempted rapist and covered it up years ago. She is recruited into the cpp’s to be considered as a proxy along with two others. Follow her through a journey of no character development into becoming a proxy.

What’s wrong with it?

-Brian literally is a misogynist. He literally hates women.

-(Y/n) is an asshole. Not in an entertaining bad bitch way. No, in an unaware bland way. Points off for being a business major, girl you have no soul and it shows.

-She is treated like the voice of reason who is always morally correct. Thing is, if anyone is neurodivergent or mentally ill and ya’know shows symptoms of it, they’re cRaZy, evil, and an annoyance. 

-Yes, people creeping on or getting clingy can be shitty/annoying but sometimes the way (Y/n) acts is completely unjust. It left a bad taste in my mouth because the character felt okay to be shitty to people who weren’t like her.

-The endings are disheartening and make no fucking sense. Cody, who is clingy at worst, gets rejected Jack, who TRIES TO BREAK (Y/N)’S FUCKING LEG, gets with her. Can I get a HELLO?????? 

-(Y/n) also doesn’t get with Jeff who suddenly turned into her brother character after hundreds of pages of romantic tension. Again, Recruited is not inherently bad but it may be really disappointing to people who are here for 1-2 specific characters.

-Queer bait-y author’s notes and inconstant love interests. Author’s notes would read like “Teehee, maybe I’ll make (Y/n) have Jane and/or Natalie endings……” But that never happens after it’s teased multiple times. I get not wanting to add more to your plate but don’t suggest it if you don’t want to do it or only want to please heterosexual readers.

-They put Tim outside like a dog for being a bad boy. 

-Author’s notes and percentages fill in details for the reader that aren’t in the fic. I’m not going to read all of that. Put important information in the fic. 

-Lot’s of excessive jealousy. Painfully heteronormative. 

What about the good?

Readable. Dramatic like Big Brother. Can be an entertaining read if it’s your thing.

Conclusion

Left a bad taste in my mouth. I feel like the author literally hated half the cast and was annoyed while writing them. When you don’t enjoy writing something it shows. Also, her other work (pandemic! Reader X X-Virus) is super tone-deaf and I don’t recommend that either. Don’t recommend joining this fic’s Discord server either. Won’t get into details but in my and my friend's experience: it’s not a good environment with a lot of playing favorites. 

-

Next up on our list is a grossly popular Eyeless Jack X Reader fic.

My Imaginary Monster

Summary: Immoral monster, Eyeless Jack, sneaking into a 5-year-old girl's room. He gets attached, sticks around through her childhood. Thing is, he gets real creepy. Starts to catch feelings for a 16-year-old he’s watched grow up. He kisses a minor who reciprocates his feelings which is textbook child grooming. Nasty fucker runs away, there’s some drama from that. (Y/n) grows up, comes back to town, and Jack’s a’creepin’.

What’s wrong with it?

-Jack is a literal child groomer. 

-Do I need to say more??? Immortal adult kisses a 16 y/o. Gross.

-People in the comments are going gaga for grooming. Are you kidding me, he’s a pedophile.

-The OC’s take up more than half of the ~200 page run time. I couldn’t get attached to any of them even after the supposed significance. Which is fine but they took up so much of the fic that it got boring and annoying incredibly quickly.

What’s good about it?

I enjoyed Ben. He did the right thing and I can respect that. Trans and poluyamourus reprrensentation.

Conclusion:

No child grooming in my fucking lobby. I think the author was trying to paint it in a bad light. But the thing is, you can write a creepy stalker fic without making them a groomer. A lot of people are trying to escape their troubles through fanfic, including those who’ve dealt with sexual abuse. Don’t bring that into x reader spaces. Don’t put readers through that again. 

-

Last and absolutely least we got a Tim X Reader. 

BIG TW. FUCKING HUGE TW. MOST OF THE TW’S FROM EARLIER ARE FROM THIS ONE FIC. 

Pure Forgiveness.

Summary: (Y/n) is abused by her mom. Her dad killed himself and she’s all (Y/n)’s got in this world. Until Tim comes along and “saves” her. He takes her to the mansion and keeps her as a pet to torture. 

I’m going to get into all the nitty-gritty to satisfy your morbid curiosities so you don’t read it. 

What’s wrong with it?

-Chapter 1 opens with (Y/n)’s miserable life. Her mom hates her so much she has a fucking torture table for (Y/n).

-There’s an attempted rape in chapter 2.

- She’s taken to the mansion by Tim in chapter 3 because he’s “off his medication” and “acting nicer than normal”. Hi, mentally ill person here, that’s not how it fucking works you ding dong. 

-Mental illness is made out to we wholly evil.

-Also tic’s are made out to be scary. As a person with tics, don’t write tics as scary or super weird. Thanks.

-(Y/n) not being able to escape, fight back rapists, and other horrible shit is labeled as weak.

-At one point (Y/n) is dragged through the mansion, beer bottles and used condoms are thrown at her. Girl has to shower off cum.

-(Y/n) is tortured in various ways. Mostly beaten, berated, burned, cut, starved, etc. 

-She is drugged and repeatedly raped by Brian and Toby. These rapes are recorded and shown to (Y/n).

-Brian has black hair. Why?

-Toby and Brian give (Y/n) a forced abortion.  

-(Y/n) gets raped almost every fucking chapter.

-At one point Jack orally rapes (Y/n) to abort a baby. 

-Toby and Brian are necrophiles. They skull fuck a corpse at some point. It is graphically described how they like to have sex with dead bodies.

-Slenderman forcefully impregnates (Y/n) to “keep the (Tim’s) baby safe” whatever the fuck that means.

Why does this happen?

Because Tim wants a kid because his dad raped his mom and his mom was a prostitute. He’s soooo sad guys :(((

Feeling hungry? Here’s some things that are eaten by various characters.

-Hair 

-Cum (forced)

-Toby 

-Piss 

-A miscarried baby 

What’s good about it?

Nothing. Fucking nothing. Don’t read it.

Conclusion

If you like this fic you need therapy, I’m not joking. It’s like a car crash and Rob Zombie movie horribly mish-mashed together. It sucks. The comments praise literal abuse and berate (Y/n) for being afraid. Fuck this fic and everything it stands for. It’s shock horror and torture for the sake of it. It makes no fucking sense and it’s harmful. People think this is okay. It’s not. 

-

Thank you to my pals in the server for helping out and finishing some of these where I could not. Especially you Connie, everyone say thank you Connie she got through Pure Forgiveness. Absolute trooper legend. Again, don’t go out of your way to harass these people. I made this list so you can avoid these works because they have the potential to be upsetting. I’m not the police, I can’t force anyone to stop nor do I want to. Author’s are allowed to explore dark topics but some should be done respectfully or not at-fucking-all. I hope these people grow as writers and understand treating some things a certain way isn’t cool. You can enjoy dark fics, I do too, fuck I write them too, but Jesus God, some things are a no from me chief.

[thedreadvampy]

I dunno how to articulate it but I think there’s something to be said about how like. abled/neurotypical people infantilize neurodivergent people and water their experiences down to something palatable whereas they can’t do that for physically disabled people as much so they’re just uncomfortable? This probably doesn’t make much sense but. yeah :// (obviously I’m not saying being infantilized is a good thing it’s awful and I’ve experienced it more then once)

Maybe? I think there's something to be said for the palatability of (invisible) neuroatypicality (I say invisible in the sense of like. Irl more extremely visible behaviours like twitching, constant stimming or substantially stuttered/slurred speech do make people react differently), that's a very good point, but I think I'd separate it out from infantilisation. I think people with known MH Things or neuroatypicalities are often infantilised, yes, but infantilisation is such a substantial issue for even mildly visibly physically disabled people.

I can only speak to my own experience, but I would say minimisation is the main experience I've had with both mental health/neuroatypicality and invisible physical disabilities (eg my chronic pain, my friends' epilepsy and diabetes) whereas I associate infantilisation more with visible/physical disabilities (for example, my cane use our when I or friends have been using wheelchairs). What people can ignore/minimise they will, and when they can't ignore it they'll ignore you.

like the experience of being visibly physically disabled for me (and again, for me it's very mild because other than the cane I'm pretty Abled Body Passing) has involved a lot of

people talking about me/past me to people I'm with

people trying to do things for me or take tasks off me lest I hurt my poor little self

people Trying Not To Look

pity

condescension

being talked to Very Slowly And Gently

and that experience of fairly mild visible disability hasn't been my experience of being fairly autistic and having moderate PTSD symptoms.

(I also think a lot of people underestimate the degree to which a lot of people are happy to accuse you of faking/making a fuss when you use mobility aids or sensory aids, like one of the most irritating forms of online ableism discourse being perky about neurodiversity is 'people keep telling me I'm making X up and should get over it and they wouldn't tell someone on a wheelchair that!' which. yes. yes they would.)

So yes you're definitely right about watering down experiences to make them more palatable. and I think that extends to some physical disabilities where you can be like 'oh yeah I know they're [hearing impaired/visually impaired/use a cane/have an invisible disorder] but I just think of them as Normal because they can Act Normal' and I think a lot of the structures around ableism are about that 'let me ignore your problem please' like. There's this vast pressure to put as much work as possible constantly into never Appearing Disabled In Any Way, whether the issue is neuro or physical or both, and one way to do that is to say 'everyone feels that way' and the other is 'you don't feel that way' and either way you're supposed to stay palatable, and to a degree I think with a lot of issues it's when you refuse to or can't put all your resources into Being Normal that you get really severely infantilisation and dehumanised as a Poor Little Disabled Thing. that doesn't mean infantilisation is limited to highly visible disability (like the palatable idea of autism is hugely infantilising for example) but. I think that infantilisation is a way of minimising what can't be ignored and so it becomes less about neurodiversity vs physical disability and more about invisible Vs visible or ignorable Vs unignorable.

The thing I think undercuts the fact that online discourse on ableism focuses around neurodiversity and IRL discourse on ableism often centres around wheelchair use and profound sensory impairment is. what's visible and what's ignorable in what space.

online, somebody's words are most of how you know them. it's much more of your first impression whether their disability affects how they think and write than how they look or move. it's really easy to forget that some of the people you talk to are physically impaired or IRL have differences that are really apparent and make people treat them differently (like large scale scarring, deformities, issues in posture or bearing, twitches and tics, etc), and because we're all taught to be uncomfortable with visibly different bodies it's easier for most of us short term to lean into that - we choose to forget that other people are disabled (which is common enough IRL, like people will see and know you're physically disabled but have to be constantly reminded that that means you Can't Do Things, like I had a friend at work who broke her leg and she had to constantly remind people every day from her wheelchair 'no I can't come to a meeting on the 4th floor because I can't climb stairs') and other people may choose not to remind us because people get so dehumanised and infantilising on sight IRL where their disabilities are much more visible that it can be nice to have control over whether and when people notice you're disabled.

but IRL, the first thing people see is your body, your speech, your bearing and your movement. Which means it's easy to ignore or downplay stuff like mental health issues, chronic pain, invisible health issues etc because it isn't immediately visually obvious. so there the balance has historically been tipped in the other direction, where we only talk about the most physically readable forms of disability. which is also not good.

yeah this is kind of long and ramble and doesn't answer your point, sorry. I woke up thinking about this and I guess I'm dumping a lot of thinking into this ask fairly arbitrarily.

[silvokrent]

So since Tyrian's arrest screen didn't list everything he was wanted for, what else do you think he did? My brother thinks arson, I think more along the lines of torture.

It’d probably be easier to ask, “What crimes didn’t he commit?”

I think you’re both right. Arson and torture seem like equally valid possibilities, but they’d have to be the result of context and circumstance. On one hand, Tyrian always struck me as someone that’s adaptive, flexible, and capable of improvisation, which is why I doubt he’d be averse to either. On the other hand, Tyrian appears to have a modus operandi—speed and stealth. Like most Faunus, seeing in the dark (presumably with tapeta lucida, the eyeshine a lot of nocturnal and crepuscular animals have) affords him an advantage many of his victims lack. That, coupled with his stinger, sets him up by default for a very specific tactic: hit-and-run assassinations. Catch your target off-guard, deliver the killing blow, then melt back into the shadows before anyone’s the wiser. Fire lacks discretion, and torture involves prolonged interaction with the victim (which increases the odds of him getting caught, as time/duration would be proportionate to the risk of being discovered).

If a situation called for it (like setting a car on fire in order to distract pursuers), or he was contracted to complete a specific job (like torturing someone for information), then I could definitely see him committing arson and torture. But if he’s recreationally killing, then I think it’s more likely that he’d indulge in his preferred repertoire, envenomation and stabbing.

The nice thing about his criminal record being truncated (with a “see attachment for more details” appended to the file) with multiple redacted sections is that it leaves a lot of room for speculation. Bear in mind that much of this is either conjectural with little supporting evidence, or my personal headcanons.

One of the things that I found interesting about Tyrian’s character was his reverence of Salem. “Goddess” isn’t just an affectionate title or a term of endearment—he literally apotheosizes her. Compare that to how his teammates interact with her. While they treat her with respect, none of them use the same venerating language as Tyrian (“Your Grace,” “my lady,” “our divine savior,” “our goddess”). This tells us that his worship of her isn’t the norm amongst her followers, which also means that he has a reason for doing it.

Personally, I’ve never been a fan of labelling people who commit heinous crimes as crazy or insane—not only because it implicates nonviolent mentally ill and neurodivergent people, and scapegoats them for the actions of others—but because in this instance, it robs Tyrian of the complexity that comes with rationalizing one’s choices. Tyrian’s decision to deify Salem shouldn’t stem from some sort of psychopathology, but rather a logical, personal, or historical precedent.

Let’s reverse-engineer this thought process:

Tyrian worships Salem.

Salem (in Tyrian’s eyes) is the extreme embodiment, manifestation, or expression of cathartic violence.

Tyrian worships this form of violence.

And what else in RWBY’s universe embodies those traits?

The Creatures of Grimm.

So, with that in mind, let’s talk about all the illegal things Tyrian’s done over the course of his life, and more specifically, why.

Archotherolatry: This is a term I coined for my RWBY worldbuilding blog. If you break down the etymology, archotherian (Greek - ruling beast, the scientific term for Grimm) + -latry (Late Latin - worship of), it translates to “the worship of Grimm.” The practice was outlawed by the King of Vale (King Ozark) after the Great War. While the decision was rooted in common sense—like, you really don’t want people to see the Grimm as gods for fairly obvious reasons—Ozark had ulterior motives for outlawing it. You see, Ozark was one of Ozma’s incarnations, and the immediate predecessor of Ozpin. While archotherolatry had been falling out of favor over the last few centuries, it was still a religion with a presence in certain corners of Remnant. Salem used to recruit these cultists directly into her ranks. By making the practice illegal, Ozma was hoping to cut off a potential source of followers.

Prior to meeting Salem, Tyrian was one of the surviving few practitioners of the faith. Not only that, but he had a particular mania about it. Grimm worship in Remnant changed depending on where in the world you went, but one of the recurring practices involved human sacrifice. Now, while Tyrian didn’t subscribe to any specific holy doctrine and wasn’t a member of any secret groups, he did adhere to certain rites and ceremonies. He savored the taking of lives, but even more than that, he enjoyed offering up his victims to the Grimm. During the months that Pickerel spent hunting him down, his trails would often lead him to secluded areas outside cities or towns. There he’d often find a large ornately-detailed circle on the ground painted with blood, with the tattered corpse of the victim lying in the center. The surrounding trees and rocks would sport eye-like patterns drawn in blood, similar to the patterns seen on the bony white protrusions on a Grimm’s body.

When selecting potential victims, Tyrian didn’t discriminate. Gender, age, nationality, race, economic background—they all bleed red, so it didn’t matter. Not technically, anyway. That wasn’t to say he didn’t enjoy abducting business owners that were prejudiced against Faunus, or that he didn’t find ironic humor in sacrificing Huntsmen to the Grimm. He just wasn’t particularly choosy about who he sacrificed.

In a similar vein, I think this is how Salem first learned about Tyrian’s existence. Whenever her scouts or sentries returned to Evernight and reported in, they’d inform her about a man that would drag people into the woods and invite the Grimm to feast upon them. This possibility excited Salem for several reasons: not only was he predisposed to loyalty to her, but the fact that he’d clearly been doing these sacrifices for some time meant he was talented. It took a lot of skill to kill so many people without being caught by the authorities. She needed an assassin, and he would do perfectly.

When Tyrian wasn’t feeding people to the Grimm, he probably murdered for sport. He thrilled in the hunt, in the dizzying slick of blood beneath his fingers, the intoxicating coppery smell, the beautiful song of his victims as they cried, begged, and screamed. Acts of violence honor the Grimm, but in addition to that, he simply relished in the joy of killing. And he was good at it.

Of course, sacrificial manslaughter doesn’t pay the bills, so Tyrian had a day job. Well, I say “day job,” but it was more along the lines of contract killer/thief/kidnapper/smuggler. Tyrian operated largely out of Mistral’s criminal underworld, particularly in the capital (though depending on the work he was doing, he’d travel to Wind Path or Kuchinashi). Potential clients sought him out and hired him for any number of jobs: collect the debt that this person owes me and kill them if they refuse to pay; abduct the member of this rival syndicate and bring them to these coordinates; assassinate someone for me, and bring back proof that they’re dead; transport this contraband (weapons, drugs, Dust) and ensure the shipment arrives safely; kill these people and destroy the evidence; capture this person and extract information from them by whatever means necessary; follow this person without being detected, and collect information about their routine. Although Tyrian preferred jobs that involved bloodshed, he’d still accept contracts for more mundane work (even if he found it somewhat boring). Tyrian didn’t have a ton of dealbreakers in terms of jobs, though he refused to do anything that involved sexual assault. (Even serial killers have standards.)

Destruction of public and private property was likely an unintended or indirect consequence of his work. As much as Tyrian enjoyed wanton carnage, he prided himself on being stealthy and thus had to exercise some level of restraint, so as to not leave behind damning evidence in the form of collateral damage. Breaking a window or kicking in a door is a liability. Accidentally setting off a Dust explosion is a good way for the authorities to track you. That being said, there were a few memorable occasions where Tyrian absolutely wrecked shit up. Perhaps the most noteworthy of these was the day that he was finally captured by Atlesian and Mistrali law enforcement. On the day of his arrest, Tyrian caused nearly 50,000 lien’s worth of property damage, including the destruction of three Paladins.

Tyrian’s name, while spoken among the criminal element, was unknown to the public. Even so, he garnered a reputation as Anima’s most infamous serial killer. People often referred to him by his title: The Ghost in the Mist. (Years later, a documentary by the same name was released. It was an hour-long production that detailed his activity in Mistral, all of his victims, an analysis of his signature, and other relevant or interesting trivia. It even featured an interview with Pickerel, prior to his death. Tyrian absolutely loves this documentary and has re-watched it several times.)

I’m sure there’s more that he’s done that I can’t think of presently, but hopefully this gives you a general idea of all the criminal activity I think he’s committed.

[backbracebruin]

I have been sitting on a photography project idea for quite some time, and have been a bit more motivated to pursue it based on encouragement I had been receiving lately from a professor of mine. Since the inception of this project sprang forth from my usually addled brain, a lot more projects like it have cropped up in the art world and on social media. Not just professional photographers, but everyday folks sharing pictures of themselves going about their days and doing the things they normally do. They just happen to be using their disabled bodies.

As my mental and physical disabilities have fluctuated over the years - from rendering me completely non-functional to me having the ability to participate in the world in my own capacity - I've thought about the way the world perceives my abilities. I think a lot about how others are perceived, as well. I have friends and family who have mental disabilities, some with physical; others with both. I notice that there is a grace afforded to those with visible physical disabilities, but that it often comes accompanied by pity and condescension. When you're struggling with a mental disability - or any other "invisible" disability - you're more often met with invalidation or outright denial that you are disabled, because obviously all disabled folks use wheelchairs and walking canes and other clearly apparent assistance devices.

Long before I received my diagnoses and started collecting my SSDI and living off my Medicare, I grew up being very close to family members who have/had apparent visible disabilities. The individual who had the biggest impact on my life, especially in terms of how I grew up knowing to have compassion for people who have different abilities than myself, is my aunt, who is featured in the photo above. The photo depicts her rolling down a pathway in Glacier National Park - one of the hundreds of stops on our four month long cross-country trip back in 2008 - arms outstretched and showing not a care in the world. She is the nexus for not only this project, but for my ongoing learning process of how to treat and think of others and myself.

I'd notice that people would feel entitled to grabbing her wheelchair if she was pushing herself while we traveled and a particularly stubborn curb appeared. I remember the incredulity in one person's voice when I rolled her chair to the driver's side of her car and as she slid in on a special board for transferring, they said, "You can do that? You can drive like that?"

I know many people are either under or ill-informed, and they perhaps do not understand the implications of their words or actions. I'm sure many think that they are being helpful by grabbing someone's chair (for clarity: No, you are not, unless explicitly asked to do so. Otherwise you are grabbing what that person considers an extension of their body). I know that when people have marvel in their tone at a disabled person's ability to do things that they themselves as an able-bodied person can do, it is again, just their woeful ignorance of the lives that we as disabled people lead. I think it’s a safe generalization that, because we are human after all, we have our “good” days and our “bad” days. 

A disable individual's "good" days and "bad" days may look radically different from what we consider the norm. But despite how we may categorize a given day, we still must find ways, however minute, to function in our own microcosm and the world at large.

I have had this post in my drafts for weeks now, unsure of how to summarize this concept and what I might intend to do with it. With the very recent personal news that my own disabilities are going to put me on a different path than even I had accounted for, I'm thinking that I will very seriously try to undertake this endeavor. It will be an outlet for me to continue to explore my passion for photography and my all-consuming desire to meet new people and listen to their stories and understand us all better. Covid is still a large-looming presence, and the state of affairs here in the U.S. and abroad never seems to be getting better. Even so, I think I am going to try to find safe ways to venture out and engage with others and capture how people live their lives and adapt despite whatever "limitations" they have been presented with.

I need to ruminate on this more, obviously. That includes whether I would start a separate blog or Instagram or something for photos. Also how comfortable I feel sharing photos of myself. It kind of feels like I have to? I don't know.

But if anyone has read this far and would like to offer feedback on the idea or even go so far as to discuss potentially participating in this if it comes to fruition, it would be greatly appreciated. Honestly, any input is welcome, and from anyone. I certainly would like to hear from people with disabilities who want to see themselves represented in ways we're not always used to; but also from able-bodied, healthy, and/or non-neurodivergent folks who maybe want to understand experiences outsides their own.

[do-what-the-knight-tells-you]

So I saw a post on here talking about how, when you take the shit Geralt says in the TV series at face value, it’s unbelievably hurtful and cruel towards Jaskier, just, downright mean, and callous, and designed to make Jaskier feel he’s wasted two decades of his life.

But I hate that, because it makes me sad, and on a rewatch, I found an alternate take.

So whether Geralt is neurodivergent in a way we recognize clinically (ASD perhaps? I won’t address that here, but I love Autistic!geralt headcanons), or whether he’s just built himself a particularly abrasive method of interaction over 100 years of shit, prejudice, and abuse, his really rough, rude abrasive words towards Jaskier are not genuine.

And I would expect/choose to believe, that if Jaskier has continued their companionship over two decades, he has not only recognized this about Geralt, but decided he’s more or less okay with it.

So I had the thought particularly during the djinn episode– saw it pointed out somewhere, how un-comforting Geralt is when the elf-healer tells Jaskier the Djinn-curse can kill him. Jaskier turns, desperate, scared, says “fuck, Geralt!” and Geralt sort of awkwardly pats him on the back and says “yeah, we’re not gonna let that happen” in a fairly begrudging way, as if suggesting that the whole situation isn’t that big a deal.

So what if that response has less to do with not caring, with being callous towards Jaskier’s life and fear, and more with either a genuine awkwardness and discomfort with the idea of comforting someone, he really doesn’t know what to say, he’s not used to being a comfort (most ppl are scared enough of him that even when he rescues them, they’d still prefer he left than comfort them in any way), and he’s probably received very little comfort in his life, doesn’t know how to do it, and is barely experienced with the idea of admitting one might want or need it.

And/or, we see the candid, unemotional way he reacts to the ghoul bite in ep7, to the knowledge that he’s seconds from death. So clearly the smooth, stoic, sarcastic, unaffected thing is his usual method of handling scary shit. He doesn’t even raise his voice unless it might help (i.e. out-yelling Yennefer to be heard over the djinn-hurricane, hoping that he can persuade he to give up the really terrible course of action she’s on that’s gonna kill her).

So the other part of it could totally be a case of him downplaying the danger, trying not to think, speak, allude to, mention the danger, possibly as his own coping mechanism (a lot easier to be “fearless” when you repress the shit out of whatever might scare you. if you never let yourself think about the possibility that things might go horribly wrong, then it’s a lot easier to conduct yourself as if nothing bad might happen).

So when he awkwardly pats Jask on the back, distractedly, begrudgingly, patronizingly says, “yeah, we wont let that happen.” It’s genuine awkwardness, and/or a coping mechanism to not let himself think about how bad it is (focus on the solution, not the problem, solve this one, and then the next, etc… he’d do a good job surviving alone on Mars, I think), and/or an attempt to keep Jask calm by not validating his panic, like how if you don’t make a big deal out of a kid’s scraped knee, sometimes then the kid doesn’t panic either and it’s fine.

And likely Jaskier has been his companion long enough to know some of that, maybe even to actually be comforted by Geralt’s lack of panic. Imagine how goddamn frightening it’d be if your super brave/tough/stoic friend actually looked scared.

(the line, when the elf dude starts talking about how in love with Yennefer Geralt must be, when Geralt says “you’re making me uncomfortable?” It’s definitely a funny line, but also it’s possibly genuine. Geralt genuinely expressing himself)

And then later in the episode, Jaskier delivers that line about “wait, is this the moment you decide to finally care about someone other than yourself?” We literally saw him drop everything, ride across the countryside (putting you on Roach, which he never does), seek help from several unknown sources, including this sketchy sorceress chick (and he admits to her and the audience that his concern over saving Jask’s life was such that he A: skipped the opportunity to seek help for his tortuous insomnia issue and B: was more than a bit willing to sell himself into indentured servitude/ something that looked a bit like prostitution)��

Like, fuck off, it’s clear he cares an awful lot about you Jask, and you have to know that. so are YOU being cruel back? or, are you playing along with what Geralt seems to be comfortable with, caring about you so long as neither of you look at that straight-on, or make him talk about it.

-

okay, so than the mountain-top divorce. like, Geralt’s p harsh through a lot of that episode, but there is a tiny bit of playfulness I think still in that dig about worthy travel companions. And if this is a method of talking to each other that they engage in regularly, that Jaskier willingly keeps subjecting himself to…

and then Jask comforts Geralt after the mountain crossing, and when he floats the bit about them traveling together again (maybe implying that these recent adventures are new-ish again, perhaps after a period of separation, perhaps Geralt is extra harsh… perhaps this is a normal-ish thing that Jask has noticed, that Geralt is always more brusque, more accidentally hurtful rather than just dry, right at the beginning or end of their travels together, a defense mechanism of sorts? protecting himself from the pain of separation he’s trying not to acknowledge even exists?) anyway, he floats the line, and I’m p sure Geralt nods.

Jaskier seems to know him pretty damn well.

So none of this makes what Geralt says not shitty, and not hurtful, but rather than let myself wallow in the idea that Jask is completely devastated, feels he’s wasted twenty years of his life on a person who is literally ready to throw him away…

Hopefully not. Hopefully he knows Geralt well enough not to… not to give him a pass, necessarily, Geralt def needs to learn from and atone for that really gross behavior… but enough to know that Geralt’s just very bad, unpracticed, and a bit oblivious when it comes to hurt feelings, to understand that Geralt’s just in a shitty toxic place, that it’s got nothing to do with Jask, that the best thing for all of them is for him to remove himself as a target and let Geralt sort his shit out in his own.

That Jask knows this is one of those times where he can trust his friend with his body, but not his feelings/heart.mind/energy, and he needs to take care of himself first.

So hurt, yeah, but not like devastated, knowing that Geralt didn’t mean his words, but did mean, in that moment, to hurt Jask genuinely and drive him off, not in the light-brusque-teasing way that they sometimes have between them. Knowing both that Geralt was reacting to Yennefer, to other hurts, not to Jask, but also knowing that Geralt was willing to put his own momentary vindictive satisfaction over Jaskier… and so knowing that is was time for them to part for a while, for his own sake. That pushing through at this time was gonna be more masochistic than beneficial or productive, so it was time to look after his own mental health.

Like, this is sort of a pattern I’ve seen in folks in the real world. There’s someone close to me who struggles with some nasty bipolar shit (he’s not found a good med combo for him yet, and even when he’s in a more healthy place, lots of his tools and learned behaviors are mostly crappy still from years of this barely coping while undiagnosed), and sometimes he’s cruel as hell, usually when he hates himself the most, and is lashing out partly in an attempt to get you to say nasty shit back, and justify both his resentment of you, and his belief that he is a worthless shitty person.

And when he’s in those periods, it behooves many of us to just… walk away. like, if you can be/are willing/able to be the person that supports someone through that kind of shit, that’s totes your call to make, and might be a really awesome thing for that person (and that’s where professional help and support can also be awesome! Ppl who have trained to be able to hear the bad shit without taking it personally, and to still be able to guide you to better tools afterwards!)

But sometimes, you also have to take your own health and energy and stuff into account and go “I know this person is being a cruel asshole because they are sick and/or hurting… but also I do not need to swallow the shit just cuz there’s an explanation. so imma peace out until they get their shit together a little more, and are gonna be less toxic/hurtful to me, stop taking it out on people. I can help them, maybe, but their mental health is NOT my sole responsibility, and I do a disservice to both of us if I decide it is, and abdicate personal responsibly for my OWN health in the process.” Put on your own mask first, and all that.

(I’ve seen this in alcoholics I know, as well, and the other side of that is letting them know “hey, I know you feel like you have no control, but one area where you do have some, is how you treat people. and if you’re acting like an asshole, then ppl won’t want to be treated that way. They aren’t leaving because You suck, they are leaving because Your Behavior sucks, and if you want to be around them in future, you should maybe work on your behavior. You are not inherently a Mean Person, but the things you do and say to people are Mean, and they don’t need to sit there and let themselves be abused” Like, it is possible to be ill, and make mistakes!, without being consistently cruel to folk.)

So, magical shenanigans and hissy-fits not a perfect analogy for BD, but it resonated a bit, so I figured I’d share

[mrbananny]

Help me move out

Hi, I’m Caelan, I’m nonbinary, ND, 17 years old, and I’m living in an abusive household.

I’m redoing this post because my last one lost traction and I just want a better post in general. Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m sobbing my eyes out because someone in my family took my phone from my room while I was sleeping (I don’t know who took it, where it is, or what I did wrong to warrant someone to do this). I can’t live in this house anymore due to the constant emotional and mental abuse my grandparents and mother put me through. I know ‘had my phone taken away’ sounds like a dumb excuse to sob and want to move out, but it’s not the first thing they’ve done and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. My mom, to start out, continuously neglects to provide for me (she’s trying to do a better job more recently but she’s slowly showing again that she doesn’t care), such as refusing to get me therapist appointments when I need them (she only schedules appointments for me when she wants them to be), she refuses to get me on anything for my depression or anxiety (she doesn’t believe I have any kind of anxiety disorder), and she overall doesn’t schedule any sort of doctor’s or dentist’s appointments for me (she left that in the hands of my grandparents so she didn’t have to deal with it). She has been told once or twice by CPS themselves to quit drinking and smoking for my sake, which she did for a few days, but quickly got back on the habit once CPS was out of the picture. My grandparents are where it gets worse. My grandpa is a more verbally abusive asshole and repeatedly gets angry with me for small stuff, looking for an excuse to be able to call me names like ‘shit-head’, ‘bastard’, ‘piece of shit’, and on one occasion, ‘worthless little shit’. I’m scared to do literally anything around him at this point. My grandmother on the other hand, is constantly drunk around the time I’m most active in the house, getting angry at me for small stuff as well, and threatens to take my phone, laptop, etc, from me just because I couldn’t understand what she says to me. There is,,, much, much, more my family has done to me, which I’ll put in a read more below.

Anyway long story short/tldr, I need to move out as soon as I can. At this point I’m pretty sure the only way out is if I save up my own money and move in with a friend/buy my own apartment. Either that or it’s suicide. I have a few plans already on what I want to do, but they all deal with after I graduate high school (which is May 2019, I’m currently making this post in June 2018). I’ll be 18 in four months by the time of making this post (birthday is Oct, 24th), so hopefully I’ll be able to make some decisions for myself by then. Just like the last post, I’m sorry to beg, but I’m so fucking desperate to get away from these abusive assholes that I don’t know what to do anymore. I honestly don’t. I’m putting a paypal link below, in case anyone wants to drop a few dollars my way, but I also have a commissions post you guys can check out as well. And even if you don’t have any spare cash, just reblogging this post will go a long way.

tl;dr: I’m living in an abusive as hell household and I need to get out as soon as fucking possible

PayPal: paypal.me/maithcop Commissions: here

list of continued abusive shit under the read more (sorry mobile users):

- my mom has taken my laptop from my room one time just because I didn’t want to watch TV with her, refused to return it until three days later - grandfather has called me ‘17-year-old shithead’ just because I couldn’t understand what he was saying to me (i have auditory processing issues) - mom has hit me multiple times while trying to get me out of bed at 7am on summer vacation when I have nowhere to be in the morning - my family practically admitted to me that they abuse me, but it’s okay I guess because ‘you’re not a child’ - my grandmother constantly spouts nonsense about how I’m doing this wrong, or doing that wrong, but doesn’t take the time to listen to what I’m saying, wait a minute, how did we even get into this conversation of how lazy I am? I’m just trying to tell you that I can’t find the grocery list - has tried to tell my family that I need some of my own food, gets ‘we have plenty of food’ in response. I haven’t eaten well in weeks. - makes constant fun of what I eat and my diet (i mainly eat carbs and meats, they’ve made several comments on my body and how it’s going to look in the future if i ‘keep eating like that’) - this is another reason I haven’t been eating well - mom has once thrown my laptop onto my bed, because I was crying (i can’t remember what about) - my family has, on multiple occasions, talked about my main triggers, right in front of me. They immediately get angry at me for being close to a panic attack/flashback, and tell me to ‘stop being so sensitive’ - mom has told me she refuses to put me on antidepressants because I’m ‘too young’ and ‘do you realize what the suicide rate for kids your age is who are on those’ when she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about - mom continuously pressures me to know what I talked about with my therapist, even when I hadn’t had a session that day - my grandfather once told me to ‘get up, stop embarrassing me in front of your cousins’. I was having a panic attack on the floor. - my family has made several comments and ‘’’jokes’’’ about how ugly and stupid I am - basically they all have way too high expectations for me and get angry when I can’t reach those expectations. - they hate the fact that I’m neurodivergent and I’m pretty sure they refuse to accept the fact that I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and some form of PTSD, and basically treat me like I’m able to function on a daily basis that’s all I can remember anyway, half the time all this stuff happens, my brain blacks it out

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2022

#5 – Eliza and Her Monsters, by Francesca Zappia

Forgotten YA Gems BOTM

Rating: 2/5 stars

I like a few of the things this story was trying to say, and a few small things it managed to accomplish, but I don’t care for the great bulk of it.

First, the entire premise. I get that YA can depict teens in unrealistically aspirational situations, but as an adult reader I had trouble swallowing the idea that a teenage artist still in school was capable of producing such a beloved and beyond-wildly popular webcomic. It just felt fake to me the entire time, and since it’s the entire core of the story, that’s a problem.

Second, what is Eliza’s deal? I mean that in good faith, because over the course of the story she shows various markers for a variety of mental illnesses or inherent neurodivergence, but the only aspect of her mental health that is actually addressed at any point is her post-revelation anxiety. Her obsession/hyperfixation on her art and the community it created could be read as a sign of autism, or ADHD, or depression-related escapism. Her absolute lack of interest in relating to other people on a face-to-face level could be any of those things or straight up social anxiety. At some points she clearly dissociates from her body, and that’s never explored. And her final dip into briefly-possibly-suicidal territory happens in a flash for plot reasons and is never important again.

Nothing about her mental landscape is ever definitive, and by the end, treating her anxiety and calling that a day seemed shallow and slapdash. The inability (or unwillingness) of her family to recognize that she’s not “normal” and take steps to either heal that (if it’s treatable illness) or accommodate that (if it’s neurodivergence) is a source of conflict that was genuinely painful to read, and not resolved to my satisfaction.

Third, Eliza’s constant insistence that she’s not a “writer,” she’s an artist. Okay, I get that you’re not producing vast quantities of prose like Wallace’s fan fiction or his novelization of your comic, but even if you’re primarily using art, you’re still “writing” a “story,” Eliza. If you were just an artist, there would be no narrative, you’d just do endless portraits and landscapes of your fictional characters and world, and there would be no movement to it. Every time it came up, it felt so disingenuous.

Fourth, the romance, which was the thing I disliked the least. Even if I don’t think it’s great overall, it has the lion’s share of individual good moments of the story. I liked that Wallace and Eliza became friends and eventually a couple by slowly accepting each other’s weirdness. That’s wonderful and I’m here for it whenever that’s the basis for a relationship. I also love, truly and actually love, that when the split happens over Eliza’s withheld identity, Wallace is allowed to be angry and stay that way for a good long while. So many romances rely on near-instantaneous forgiveness from the wronged party, and it often comes off as unbelievable that those characters get over their anger or betrayal so fast and with so little consequence. But here, Wallace is given the space to be rightfully (or perhaps even righteously) angry, he’s allowed to express his hurt, and while our protagonist is clearly unhappy about that, she’s not trying to pretend it’s unjustified.

I’m less in love with how he does actually forgive her, because it’s related to the book’s ultimately shallow treatment of suicide. I think that really cheapens the ending of their arc, and also is another nail in the coffin of how this story poorly represents mental illness.

Finally, in the “things I didn’t like” category, I don’t feel that the story snippets included from the comic, or the comic pages themselves, added anything of noticeable value to the novel. I get what they’re trying to do, but since I don’t actually read this fictional web comic and I only have the vaguest idea of who these ancillary characters are from what the story characters say about them, I could never bring myself to care, nor could I easily see what were probably supposed to be parallels with the story characters. The book wanted me to be as deeply invested in this web comic as Eliza or her fans, but I can’t be, because it doesn’t actually exist for me to be invested in. I wanted to be invested in the story I was actually getting, and every time it dragged my attention away from that to the comic or the prose transcription of the comic, I didn’t want that, I wanted more story.

[sfigulyart]

Thursday, November 18th, 2021: Putting the Pain in Paint

Living with Endo, OCD, and ADHD

I recently learned that my period & cycle may often affect the effectiveness of my ADHD medication (which is also partially my OCD med regimen, too) during that specific time of the month (week before, week of, and week after). I’ve noticed this before, and I simply didn’t have any name to put to the symptoms I experienced.

In middle school, I got my period for the first time. I was in seventh grade. We were taking the math section of the PSSAs. Standardized testing was never my forte, and when I felt the warm discomfort of my uterine tissue leaking out of my body, I completely lost my train of thought. Math was not my strength. I had to ask to go to the nurse. I had on neon green sweatpants, joggers from Aeropostale. My mom worked that day, so my dad picked me up, a relief. My parents were consumed by their unhealed wounds, and they sufficiently explained to me that this wasn’t a bad thing.

My mom directly said “Now you can get pregnant, so don’t be fooling around with any boys.” Around twelve years old, her statement felt weird to me, and I didn’t say anything, just that I didn’t want any boys to touch me. She said “Yeah, we’ll see. You better be careful.” I had not lost my virginity at this point, still a child whose body decided to switch on puberty in the middle of a test.

It feels like for some people, humans who bleed either become less enticing or more enticing once puberty hits. Perverts don’t want anything to do with our maturing bodies, and perverts with differing interests want everything to do with our brand new bodies, bodies our minds haven’t quite caught up to just yet. It’s scary, growing up AFAB/with a uterus/femme-presenting. If I had a dollar for each entitled man that believed my body meant nothing to me and arousal to him.

With the lived experience of white men everywhere trying to control my reproductive system (and I’m white, so I don’t even have the full experience that non-white humans experience), finding out I had endometriosis felt like a gut punch that penetrated stomach and took exit through my back, just missing my spine. My body fights me so much. My brain fights me. It doesn’t make my life less worth living; it’s frustrating. I’m pissed off about it, especially when I think about the ways my mother spoke to me and perceived sexuality and sexual health.

I’m in pain because of the inflamed tissue in my abdomen, I’m in pain because my body physiologically reacts differently to the medication I’m prescribed to manage my neuropsychiatric and mental health disorders. My neurodivergence directly affects the medication that helps me get through the day functionally! That’s some bullshit. My parents chose to yell at me, tell me how bad I am, and shame me instead of treating the brain dysfunction I suffered through every day.

My OCD is chronic, no cure, though treatable. So is my ADHD. If my parents had taken a curious over furious approach, who’s to say how I’d be managing my physical symptoms of endo combined with the neuropsychiatric and cognitive symptoms of the other disorders? I don’t necessarily think it’s a great idea to ruminate on what could of been, though honoring what could have been matters in respect to healing those wounds. Appreciating that I understand now what I needed then, accepting that my parents were not equipped to manage their own emotional and mental health, so they couldn’t have possibly understood how to do that for children of their own. Whole other human beings.

While I was busy managing my mom’s emotions, my body and mind were digging deeper graves, graves I would eventually have to claw myself out of later in adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad I clawed my fucking way out of those trenches, though that’s not something I would’ve had to do if my parents and their parents did the healing work necessary to protect us future generations and generations after us.

It scares me to think I possess the potential to do what my mother did to me to a baby of my own (adopted or biological). That’s one of my top five worst fears, and that’s telling. My parents took my cries for help as personal attacks, attacks on their parenting, and if you think about it, how egotistical is that? That when your child is crying out for help in whatever ways they do, you take it as an attack on your parenting and choices? Bro, help your kid. Stop thinking about yourself. That’s where a lot of these core issues begin in the Narcissistic Family System. That’s where we learn to suppress our emotions to protect theirs; that’s where we learn to suppress our pain because our parents’ pain is the top priority; that’s where we learn to put every other lifeform on this planet before ourselves until we lose ourselves. Finding my voice was the first step in healing pain, whether physical or otherwise.

I suffered for so long with my pleas for help floating off to the wayside because I was “a bad kid,” “too dramatic and sensitive,” and “trying to get out of doing things.” Instead of thinking, Hm, maybe my child is having issues with their brain, my parents chose to call me lazy and disrespectful and angry and all of these other words that inherently attempted to change the truth of my experience and the narrative of my reality to fit their agenda. I’m not pointing the finger at them or blaming them; I am describing the ways in which their perception affect me now, as an adult, in my own life separate from my family of origin.

They were unable to respect me, my autonomy, and my pain. My brother recently messaged me to tell me he hates me because of how terrible I am as a sister, about how I don’t have a job, etc. etc., and I just don’t care about opinions driven by the false narrative of my narcissistic mother who has a history of denying my pain to prioritize her emotional needs, needs she should be able to meet on her own. I will not deny my pain, my problems, or my perceptions anymore to people please and protect people who should’ve been protecting me. Talking around problems does not solve them, and after a lifetime of being invalidated, gaslighted, manipulated, and love-bombed, I wish only peace for her and the rest of my family of origin. I don’t have the time or energy to waste on trying to convince people who are supposed to unconditionally love me that I am lovable. Especially when my body and mind are struggling with these levels of pain.

My body makes decisions I don’t agree with, and so why would I put up with external sources trying to steal away my autonomy to make themselves more comfortable in their unfulfilled lives. No shade, no hate. I’m living a life that we be a breath of fresh air upon my death bed. When my life flashes before my eyes, I want it to be a life I stand by, a life I’m proud of, a life where lessons were learned and love was expressed. I want it to be a life where I chose myself and the family I decided to build. I want it to be a life where the pain happened, and it didn’t stop me from achieving the goals my passions drive me to achieve.

I’ll admit, creating is hard today, though I’ll get here. It just might be a little bit of a slower process today, and that’s okay! :’)

Taking this pain one day at a time, thinking of lost friends, and hoping that you all find some little sprinkles of peace and joy throughout your day today!

[spoonyruncible]

(long post, sorry)

In spite of everything I love Harley Quinn but, damn, writers treat her so badly. I swear, the temptation to make her actually stupid must be terrible because it’s so often implied, or explicitly stated, that she slept her way through school. First of all, it does not work like that.  Second, she’s not a therapist or a psychologist, she’s a psychiatrist, she’s a fricking MD and a damn young one too. Managing pre-med and collegiate gymnastics that she relied on to keep her scholarship? Harley is fucked up, but she’s not the dumb blonde she plays. (also stop making her stacked, she’s a gymnast. she is 4’11” of pure muscle and is not top heavy)

If you want a good Harley backstory it's simple. She’s ADHD but medicated and slightly robotic because of it. I want to take special care not to demonize meds but, rather, people's disapproval of neurodivergence and a lack of focus on what is best for a patient rather than what is most convenient for others. So, maybe, around ten years old Harley is a hyperactive space cadet who's brilliant at tests but sloppy at coursework, who would be a gymnastics prodigy if she could actually focus on technique and put in practice time instead of fooling around. Then the meds come and it's actually really cool because she can do the things she needs to do instead of just wanting to do them, doing something else entirely, and getting in trouble. People are proud of her, she's proud of herself. But now there are expectations. Family and teachers and coaches overschedule her, find worth only in her success and don't care about her mental health at all as long as she's performing and castigate her when she does fail. Fuck if you don't internalize that. But she doesn't look unhealthy and she's doing amazing. She actually has to choose between the Olympic trials and continuing her grad studies. She probably has some issues with self-harm but it either doesn’t look like self-harm or is well covered up. 

When Arkham accepts her, fresh from her residency, it's not a mistake. The woman is amazing. All they can see is a mountain of achievements rather than the seething ball of nerves, self-loathing, and imposter syndrome boiling just under the surface. That's when Joker comes in. He's got the Hannibal Lecter shtick down. Where everyone else sees an intelligent driven young woman he sees a frightened overwhelmed girl who is working her hardest to convince the world she's anyone other than herself. Sending her into a nervous breakdown would be too easy so he doesn't even bother. Instead he's open with her, almost friendly. The other doctors are amazed, Harley is amazed, she's not done anything particularly revolutionary but, for the first time in forever, it looks like the clown prince of crime is showing progress. He unravels her and it's a challenge, she flinches back and gets very serious when he comes too close to the real Harley under the professional. Still, soon she's questioning everything. She doesn't even really like her co-workers. She hasn't had a real friend in years. She's forgotten how to have fun. Did she ever want this to be her life or did she just do it for other people? It starts so slowly that it looks, at first, like she's getting better at self-care. Maybe something totally silly one weekend, a trampoline park where she can enjoy the way her toned body moves without stressing out over landings, a face painting booth at a street fair, some garishly colored downright tacky decoration that clashes with her sensible apartment. Suddenly she realizes how much she hates knowing the difference between cream and ecru. The beigeness of her life is repulsive. She hates the person she's pretending to be even more that she hates herself which is really saying something.

After her weekend of freedom she would have called in sick if it wasn't so suddenly important to see him. The relief she feels at talking to one of Gotham's most infamous supercriminals is disturbing but it is relief and she's been swallowing a slow-motion panic attack for hours. She admits, though she shouldn't, that she took his advice about doing something fun and he teases her, what would straight-laced Doctor Quinzel do for fun? Did she realphabetize her sock drawer or buy a new clipboard? It's not important to impress him, it's really not. He's dangerous, cruel, and he looks so proud when she admits that she bought a lamp shaped like a lawn flamingo. The only mistake, he says, is that she should have stolen it. She hopes the wicked thrill it gives her doesn’t show on her face. It does. She almost even laughs. He likes it when he can make her laugh and she likes it when he likes things.

It's wrong and unprofessional, the relationship she develops, and she knows it but her whole life she's been so high strung. Nothing she's done has been for her, she's not sure she knows how to really do selfish things anymore, but he knows the selfish things she needs to do. It feels good when she follows his advice even when it's small things like the rainbow striped socks she wears concealed under her very bland slacks and sensible shoes. She’s so happy, almost giddy, and he loves her happiness, he loves her, he loves the real her that she’s had to beat down and hide for so long, the her that even she isn’t able to love. She is able to love him, though, and since he loves her she’s able to love herself for him, to protect and nurture something so important to him.

When the choice comes between her old self, the tedious endless labor of making the world proud, and Him, the spectacular man that brought color into her life, it’s not even a question. She kills Doctor Harleen Quinzel, she throws away the version of her that let herself burn just for medals and hollow accolades. She embraces Harley Quinn and it’s so much a part of her nature she can’t even see that she’s still living her life for someone else’s approval, except this time that person is a murderous clown. She hasn’t let her hair down, she’s just put it in pigtails instead of a bun.