#but drinking makes me nauseous and I have to eat

[katsukikitten]

tw staking

You can feel his eyes on you, the gaze heavy, weighted with thoughts so intense it makes your stomach knot.

Curdle like milk in the heat of summer, twist and turn around and around until you're left dizzy and nauseous.

When you turn to look for those eyes, for that leadened gaze, you find nothing.

You always find nothing.

It only adds to your sickness. To the doubt and paranoia that rip up your throat in a dying scream when faced with shadows that linger in the corner of your eye.

The dead of night brings nothing but dread to you. Footsteps so faint you try to brush them off as a considerate upstairs neighbor tiptoeing in the late hours. Warm breath fanning your cheeks you swear is just the heat kicking on at an odd time even when you kept your apartment cool to save money.

The time lost on your motion activated camera at your front door was just a glitch. Surely that's all it could be and the one time you've seen a hooded man with his mask it was probably just a neighbor who was unlucky enough to have the night shift.

And that the number texting you cryptic things and paragraphs and paragraphs of why you're so beautiful with details of outfits and jewelry choices and how the mystery messenger doesn't like it when you wear another man's hoodie to bed.

It was just a wrong number, yours transposed with the original recipient you were sure of it.

Getting out of the house would be good, at least that's what your friend said, not that you told her about the messages or footsteps. Especially not about how you thought you'd seen a man in your room one night. Just at the foot of your bed, tall and thin. Looming in an almost unnatural manner that left you with goosebumps because deep down you know that gaze.

Had felt it for months now.

If you had confessed to these delusions, your friend would insist to stay the night and what if something happened to her all because you were having an episode?

Even if nothing happened, if you both slept through the night peacefully, you knew that either way you couldn't handle the truth.

You'd rather live in your dream-like state, of not knowing if your mind was breaking or if there truly was a horror stalking around your house.

That ignorant purgatory fared better than the reality that either could be true, so for now you'll go to the little drinking parties your friend invites you to.

Four, you've been to a total of four now and each time you have to excuse yourself to the bathroom part way through to relax.

That and silence your phone, for the first two parties you'd received message after message asking why you were out so late and who the fuck was that sitting next to you. It all started coming to a head so quickly.

Yet still you think being out in public may curb things if only just a bit.

Standing in the hallway that lead to the restrooms when your college crush runs into you for the second time.

“Ah, are you feeling okay?” His voice has a bit of gravel to it, tone soft and nearly monotone in the way he speaks. Starlit hair to his shoulders pulled back into a half bun and eyes sparkling like any gem.

“Ten-Tenko.” You stammer, shoving your phone in your little nezuko purse with embarrassment, for once it doesn't ring or chirp to life with question after question, it's slowed down since he's sat next to you two parties ago.

He waits patiently for a long moment, blinking slowly and standing stone still before it takes you a moment to realize he's waiting on your answer.

That he actually cares.

“I'm- I'm okay.” A lie but the truth starts to eat away at your stomach lining, starts to claw up your throat and weigh down on your tongue. Forcing your lips to move in such a manner all because this lanky man made you feel a little bit better.

Made you feel safe.

“Can you pretend to be my boyfriend and walk me home? I- I think I might have a stalk-stalker and they say that if they see another man they'll back off and I'm just a little scared and it's silly but you've been sitting next to me and making me feel safe and blocking the window and I don't feel so para- paranoid when you're around and you can say no I mean this is a weird request that I'm asking and is that statistic even a true one I'm not sure and well maybe we shouldn't you might get hurt never-” Tenko's warm palm on your shoulder cuts you off, makes you shrink as you realize your rambling.

Makes you want to melt down into your tennis shoes and never be seen again.

Stupid stupid STUPID

You chance a glance up at him, his eyes are closed and he's smiling softly. Reassurance pulling at the corners of his scarred lips making that much more handsome.

“I can walk you home and make sure you're safe. I wish you told me earlier.” He moves his hand slowly, lets his knuckles graze your throat before his fingers push hair behind your ear, “Go back to the party, I'll keep blocking the window.”

Ever obedient you return to your seat quickly, phone chirping and the message burning into your brain before you switch your phone off.

Tread lightly you have no idea what you're asking for

The night goes on without a worry, Tenko's warm body next to yours, blocking the large picture window to the street and soon you forget there was a heavy gaze on you at all. Neatly tucked into his side all on your own and he's even observant enough to know you don't handle your liquor well, he takes the shots offered to you for you and somehow you find that attractive.

That despite his boney stature he can handle something much booze and much better than you could dream of.

“It's getting late isn't it?” One of your classmates yawns while another adds, “Yea, she has to get home to her boyfriend!”

An accusatory finger pointed at you, the attention makes your stomach twist.

“What boyfriend?” Another chimes in, curious and training their attention on you as you feel you've lost your voice. Knuckles white grip on the hem of your skirt as the conversation carries on.

“Who else would be texting her so much?”

“Yes she does sneak away during class, bet it's to meet her boyfriend in the library to ‘study.’”

The room starts to spin just a bit, swallowing the bile that rises up your throat, once, twice, four times as the weighted gaze returns.

Burning into your skin like a brand forever marking you as you whimper and whine under the touch. Breath shuddering from your frame, hands and skirt blurring in your vision as you choke on the lump in your throat.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Tenko's voice grounds you, makes your head snap up to him and the look you give him is so pathetic it makes his chest hurt. Heart squeezing tightly as his ribcage caves in.

You cannot even form words, you just shake your head before his hand slips into yours to stop pinching at your skin.

“Sorry bout that. I don't mean to keep her from you guys.” Tenko’s voice carries over the teasing before gasps erupt, excited congratulations and curious questions bounce around the room only to be ignored as Tenko rises to full height before gently pulling you to your feet.

He puts on your jacket, secures your purse to your body.

“We're going to call it a night.” Bowing his head politely before he gently guides you out to the street by the small of your back. Silently asks you to lead the way as the two of you walk in the cool air in a comfortable silence.

Tenko is sure to be a barrier between traffic and yourself, his hand moving from the small of your back to between your shoulder blades and back down before he finds himself restless, following down your arm so he could link his pinkie with yours as you guide him to your apartment complex.

He's insistent he should walk you all the way to your door and you cannot say no. Whispering your apartment number to him which makes him take the lead.

“I really appreciate this.” Soft and meek, the sound makes Tenko chuckle beside you.

“It's really no problem.” Tenko stops in front of your door, notices the keypad and enters the eight digit passcode to your front door.

The keypad lights up green, the knob gives way to the weight of his hand as he eases the door open turning to face you with that soft smile.

But your pretty lips aren't curled up in your appreciative smile anymore. Instead you're making that face again. That cute one you gave him at the bar where you didn't want him to think you actually had a boyfriend, the dread and horror marring your pretty features as your mind raced a million miles a minute.

When you felt helpless, out of control of the situation.

A little like a doe in headlights or a fox stuck in a trap.

“I- I never told you the passcode.” Your voice is so small, barely audible that Tenko would call it more of a breathy whisper.

He sighs, low and long, slouching as his shoulders hunch forward, frown yanking down the corners of his lips. His once polished rubies now razor sharp. Heavy as they look over your face so intensely you look away unable to move as his pinkie squeezes yours tighter.

Long fingers gently hooking under your chin, tilting your face upwards until your eyes lock and no matter how you try you cannot look away.

Memories overlap with the present, images of that unnatural manner at the foot of your bed, of the way your stomach twists and knots, every nerve in your body burning as it begs you to move. To not freeze you for once in your life.

To run, run, RUN.

But you're locked in place, face coming closer as his nose brushes against yours, sighing again as he relaxes returning to his monotone state even as his eyes flicker with something monumental, deadly.

You feel his warm breath on the shell of your ear and suddenly you're back in your room, shivering under the blankets hoping it was all in your head.

“I would've just killed the boyfriend, by the way.” Before he leans back, putting his hands in his hoodie pocket, face impassive, tone nonchalant while he waits for you to enter the ‘sanctity’ of your home.

[mariju-anas]

My bingeing has gotten so bad that I’m not even worried on restricting rn, just maintaining. I feel like such a fuckin fraud lmao

[sovamurka]

bad news, I think I developed a serious case of ED, that may have been provoked by my meds

[newmsies]

i think I'm falling apart, water should NOT make my stomach hurt

[hesperidia]

why-are-sundays-so-depressing.mp3

[flamingothing]

really stupid how i have Eating solid food is bad for me disorder but i actually handle solid food fine enough but liquids ? now there's the real issue

[bo0zey]

anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol

[sevenstevearmy]

😡🤒

[cottoncandysecretlair]

tfw u show up to the dr appointment and you haven't eaten in like 48 full hours and they ask you about your eating habits and you say you fast pretty often in accident because your stimulant messes up your hunger response

and they just look you up and down clearly not believing you before starting The Weight Loss Conversation™ and get told that fasting will guarantee you weight loss

[prozach27]

.

[genderdog]

chat is it normal to feel completely desensitized to feeling constantly sick that when you’re actually sick you feel like it’s not enough to warrant it

[racemeyibo]

why tf did i decide to do a semester abroad. i'm lonely as fuck and it's been 3 days.

[everyfandomever]

I am blessed and cursed with sickness

[decadentdeviation]

All the glowing peace and purpose I was feeling a couple weeks ago has been replaced with a constant urge to vomit.

[jonny-b-meowborn]

Fuck i took some painkillers and took a giant nap but I still feel like shit why is my body like this

[9kittie]

You are eating exhusband Rafe up! I imagine it would be hilarious when wife reader finds out Rafe has knocked her up again - riding off the back of your last post where they had jealous sex. Just Rafe all smug about how it’s his child and basically parading that fact around to the both outer banks and specifically the guy who tried to take his place

(Not him trying to sneak that ring back on her finger)

when exhusband!rafe had gotten told that you were pregnant and it was his, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

you had been feeling nauseous all week. nothing out of the ordinary, just figured you hadn't been drinking enough water or eating well enough. either way, it was brushed off.

usual routine of seeing rafe weekly to pick up your daughter, and even some days when you weren't picking up your daughter, continued.

it was when you two were having sex that you realized something was really really wrong. where he'd been giving it to you good and it hurt so bad for some reason. at first, it was brushed off. you figured maybe you'd gotten tighter? maybe it was just a simple moment of your insides being bruised. then again, sex isn't all as perfect as it seems.

but no, no it was more than that. the pain continued, and continued and it was when you were trying to push him off of you, wailing out a soft sob.

"stop it rafe! doesn't feel good." closing your thighs and eyes all glossy, he's instantly pulling out. hands slipping under your dewy and sweaty back from missionary and soothing you with soft words.

"hey, hey. whats'a matter huh? not feeling it? tell me what i did wrong, baby." he's sitting against the headboard, cooing at you and rocking you softly while you sniffled against his chest. balled up in his lap while he prepped kisses all over your face.

swallowing down a lump in your throat, shaking your head all while eyes are fluttered closed and a big uncomfortable pout is evident on your lips, he's really getting worried.

"it jus'.. it hurt real bad. i don't feel s'good." and it's then that your getting nauseous again, stomach turning in a horrible way that had you balling up your body even more.

rafe's examining with a concerned face, nodding softly before laying you down against the bed. he's rummaging around for some of his clothes, pulling out an old t-shirt and a pair of his boxers all while he's sitting down on the bed next to your laying form and looking down at you.

"are you- you sick? what d'you mean?" he'd felt horrible, like it was his fault.

it was his fault.

brushing away some strands of hair from your forehead while you softly held your lower stomach. "talk to me, can't know what to do to help if y'don't tell me pretty girl."

a soft groan is leaving your throat when he begins to move your body, putting his clothes onto you before making you sit up, a whine leaving your lips. "my stomach's cramping."

he'd thought maybe it was just your period, but you'd gotten that just a little past a few weeks ago. it wasn't normal for you to get symptoms from it like this.

so, being the responsible and attentive soon to be husband; again, he's pulling on a polo shirt, and some loose fitted jeans and getting stuff ready to bring you to the hospital.

what he thought would be the worst news of his life, really was the best. being told that you were pregnant was something that brought tears to his eyes.

he's clinging onto you, kissing all over your face while you sat dumbfounded on the little bed in the doctors examination room.

"hear that baby? gonna be a dad again, gonna have another kid." his tone of voice is what brings a big smile to your face. how could you not be happy? he's crying.

swallowing down nerves all while you're hugging him back. he's kissing your hand, the hand that now wears the wedding ring from your wedding day.

his lips meet yours. in a soft and delicate kiss. hands cupping your face gently before he's bringing you into a hug again.

and it was final. you'd both gone back home to TannyHill where you'd talk through it all. plan to move back in with him. get remarried. tell your daughter. he couldn't be happier to have the woman he was in love with to be his again.

of course, you felt the exact same way. being in the arms of the man who you'd never be able to let go of.

˖ ݁ ݁˖ ≽ܫ≼

a few weeks had passed, things couldn't have been going better. the two of you remarried with a beautiful ceremony. while you already had a ring, he'd buy you a second one because you deserved it. because he wanted to re-knew the bond between both of you, making a vow towards this marriage the best he could.

rafe's schedule had been filled with work upon work. making bigger deals, meeting with new clients. it was stressful, but good. he had you and his daughter at home. his two favorite girls.

he'd been at the country club just for a simple play of golf with topper and a small glass or two of drinks.

he'd been in a deep conversation with topper before he'd caught eye of.. him. the guy who he'd saw before getting into it with you. he glared, a small smirk on his face before he's brushing off topper for a second and walking towards the bar.

he'd smile his way through his glass of whiskey in a 'polite' manner, giving a heads nod before looking in front of him. the tv above playing whatever channel before he's speaking without thinking.

"hey, yo you're uhh.. that- that guy, right? my wife knows you." rafe's leaning against the bar on his side, a slick smile formed on his lips .

"yeah.. are you rafe? her ex husband right?" he's bringing out a hand to shake, but rafe's looking away. a small 'tsk' leaving his mouth before pushing his glass towards the bartender and looking back at him.

"ex husband.." he begins, muttering. "no actually, we got remarried." rafe's eyes are fluttering closed, a smile on his lips before nodding his way. the guys starstruck, eyebrows raising in surprise and letting out a small chuckle.

"oh, congrats man. that's- yeah that's good for you." rafe's eyes are narrowing at him. blinking his way while the smile is now a thin line on his lips.

"really, a wonderful woman. really got it goin' on." the guys obviously using some sort of tactic here. jealousy evident in his eyes. it's not new, rafe understood this guys perspective on his ex wife wife. he knew what it was when he'd first heard about him from his daughter.

he's humming in response, picking up the drink from the counter and chugging it before putting it down and looking away. tongue in cheek while he's taking a step closer before slightly leaning down.

"might wanna reconsider your words when speaking about my wife.. who's pregnant, by the way." he's shrugging, smirk forming on his lips while the guys taking a small step back. straightening himself out like he'd do something to rafe.

that'd never happen.

"yeahhh, why don't you go scurry somewhere you belong. don't you got a wife to cater to? knew you couldn't handle what i got. a shame, you seemed like a dead beat anyway." and he's nodding towards him again, face so smug before he's watching the guy mutter something under his breath, slamming down some money and walking off.

"'s good to see ya!" he'd call out.

and that night, he'd go home to his beautiful wife. dinner all cooked out and daughter all happy. not that man, nah. rafe. rafe cameron who'd be the only man you'd ever really love.

it'd stay that way too.