#and we also have a 2 ppl fridge for 4 fucking people

[racemeyibo]

why tf did i decide to do a semester abroad. i'm lonely as fuck and it's been 3 days.

[hermeticbridgetroll]

.

my mom is having a party for her coworkers tonight & like...

she's been sick for like 2 weeks (not covid but i think... she should maybe not be throwing a party b/c she's coughing everywhere.)

she changed the date of the party last minute so ppl thought it was last night & so they all went to another coworkers's house instead & didn't invite her.

Many of them called in saying they aren't coming today & she's pissed.

I kinda feel bad for her.. but at the same time..she's not very nice to people & it would't surprise me if none of her coworkers wanted to come & were making excuses. She struggles with commitment as well so anytime she's planning an event she changes the date at least once & gives people the run around.

I'm just hoping ppl show up because if they don't...she'll find a way to take her rage out on me as she always does. But also hoping nobody brings Covid into the house cause that wont be fun.

____

update

Ok 1 person showed up on time. 1 Person out of 30 invited.

She has refused food after hearing my mom coughing. My mom has prepared a giant crock pot with 100 meatballs. I do not know what she is going to do with 100 meatballs since only she & my sister-in-law can eat them.

Also her coughing is getting worse. I actually suggested she take her nebulizer before anybody showed up (we both have asthma so I can recognize when she needs it.) She told me to shut the fuck up (bc she was angry about ppl cancelling). It sounds like she's really struggling to breathe now & I'm a bit worried.

___

ok person # 2 just showed up. This might be everyone.

___

ok some more ppl are here hopefully this won't be a total bust for her.

---

4 people showed up in total. Everyone left already. But they seemed to have a good time. There is a LOT of food left over. I helped clean up. The fridge & freezer are completely packed full. Hopefully we can get some of the neighbors to take some because my brother & I can't eat a lot of it. Not sure that's a good idea tho b/c my mom was coughing all over it. The last woman to leave was very sweet & I think she may have stayed longer than she wanted to because she felt bad. I hope she has a good night.

My mom doesn't seem too upset so I guess she's fine. Though she is about to sit down with wine & snacks so once she gets intoxicated, then I'll know how she really feels. Hope I'm not in for a long night of intoxicated mom chaos where she tries to fight furniture, curses out inanimate objects, then passes out w/o her c-pap machine & keeps the whole house awake from her snoring. Because that happens sometimes...maybe it won't because my sister-in-law is here now. I guess I'll see.

____

She did NOT fight a chair!!! success!!!!!

[angeltrapz]

saw ur post 4 saw asks n im here to deliver!! (also fully gonna answer the one u sent me i just had a busy night 💚) — hmmm would personally love to hear more abt the Matthews-Faulkner-Stanheight-Blank family dynamic? esp maybe Daniel + Art, but rlly just anything u wanna talk abt there! maybe if they have any sorta family traditions, what holidays look like for them, that sorta deal

shfajs tysm!!!! (also tht's totally okay, take yr time!!!)

also oooo I love this question okay. so like u mentioned this when I asked abt what Eric n Daniel's relationship would b like post-trap, but I think it's very very good fr Daniel 2 like. see tht Eric has ppl who love him n who don't mind helping him when he needs it n who are THERE fr him bc again, like you've mentioned, seeing a parent so utterly shattered th way Eric was after his trap is incredibly difficult, esp for a kid (though Daniel is like. at least seventeen? still). knowing tht his dad has a good support system n is surrounded by ppl tht care abt him helps put him at ease bc he knows he can trust Adam n Art. he knows they'll keep Eric safe n tht they'll help him to heal, tht they love him n want 2 see him do well n get better. plus, Daniel knows tht if he needs to talk 2 some1 abt how difficult seeing his dad like tht is, he knows both Adam n Art r there fr him and tht helps a lot. of course, he also has Rigg + maybe Hoffman (until th whole. u know.), but they don't live w Eric. they don't see him every day th way Art n Adam do. that's not 2 say they don't know Eric is struggling, but there is a difference btwn them n Eric's boyfriends. basically, Daniel is very much grateful fr Art + Adam.

I feel like Art wld be VERY good at lending an ear fr when Daniel needs 2 talk. whether that be abt their trap + tht whole experience, Eric's trap n the consequences/rough aftermath, just plain venting, etc.; Art is there 2 listen to them + offer a solution if they want one. most times I think Daniel just wants to b listened to, esp when it comes to what they went thru in the Nerve Gas House - tht's smth they don't feel comfortable discussing w Eric right away fr obvious reasons, but therapy can only do so much. I think th two of them have more in common than they might realize at first, bc hey, Art Killed A Man Because Trevor Was Going To Kill Him If He Didn't, and Daniel Killed A Man Because Xavier Would Have Killed Both Them And Amanda If They Didn't. I feel like Art is like. very reserved abt th details of his first trap + how they affected him (and th second one tbh; it's not smth he vocalizes often at all), but fr Daniel he wld gladly talk abt it if it meant Daniel didn't feel alone. if it meant it could help them, reassure them that hey, it wasn't yr fault, u did what u had to, n I know tht can be hard 2 believe right now n that's okay. u need to process things at yr own pace.

and so Art tells them abt the Mausoleum, bares a part of himself he keeps locked away where he doesn't often give it much thought/actively ignores it. n I think tht's healing fr him too, maybe. there's solace in tht shared experience, as horrible as it was in th moment. 2 know there's someone out there who has even th faintest inkling of what u went thru + what u had to do to survive. of course Daniel relates 2 Adam fr this reason too, but like. Art will use his Lawyer Voice n make sure Daniel understands tht what they did doesn't make them a bad person or confirm tht Jigsaw Was Right And They Deserved It. n tht's rly important fr Daniel 2 hear, esp early on. it's honestly one of th first times Art is truly honest abt his feelings on th matter + the Mausoleum, n it's just. a step tht much closer to healing for both of them.

family traditions!!! they do have a few! in the summer, every sunday they have Daniel w them, Eric Art n Adam go out fr ice cream, even if they get it at the drive thru n eat it in th car bc none of them want 2 be around all th people/sit outside in th muggy weather. it's a good way to get them all out of th house fr a little while, something enjoyable tht doesn't require too much energy or even interaction. it's just smth nice they can do where they're all together n chilling n just enjoying each other's company!

this is mostly a Daniel one but every year around April Fools he just. puts fucking googly eyes on everything. n every time some1 discovers some, it doesn't matter where in th house he is, u can hear him cackle abt it. Adam thinks it's an absolute delight n has assisted on multiple occasions. tht's abt as far as pranks go fr them, bc none of them like surprises like that, but god is it ever hilarious 2 hear Eric frm the kitchen while Art Adam n Daniel r in the living room when he says "I found another one!" while he's looking fr smth in the fridge kjdkfsf.

holidays!! every Christmas they all sit down in th living room n watch a couple of movies w the blankets spread out on th floor w snacks n hot chocolate. the first Christmas following his trap, Eric was sat on th couch between Adam n Art while Daniel chose to sprawl out on th floor, n he just looked around at his boyfriends n his son n the fake pine tree they had all decorated together n he like. needs to take a moment bc this is it. this is all he cld ever want out of life right here. this is a level of peace Eric never knew he wld ever be able to reach after what he went thru fr those six months. n he just sort of presses his face into Art's shoulder n breathes thru it. he doesn't even have to say anything fr Adam n Art to know what he's thinking bc Adam's hand is on his arm n Art's resting his cheek against th top of his head, n he might cry a little, but he's happy. surrounded by th ppl he loves n who love him, love him enough to keep the lights down low n the volume on th television soft, to use subtitles so he doesn't get overwhelmed, Eric realizes he has a home n it's just. oof.

fr Valentine's Day, this one was actually Adam's idea initially: wht they do is take sticky notes n write little affirmations on thm fr each other, n stick thm in places where they'll see it. sometimes Daniel joins in on this one, but usually it's an Art Eric Adam thing. so like it'll be little things, like a note frm Adam telling Eric how proud he is of him, or one from Art letting Adam know he couldn't have had a better best friend, or th one from Eric that thanks th both of thm fr helping him w his rashes + helping him 2 accept tht part of him n start to see it as nothing to be ashamed of. it starts on th first day of February and ends on Valentine's Day itself, n sometimes they get those packs of cards u get fr kids just to write goofy shit on thm to pass back n forth n make each other laugh. they also get th discounted candy!! (Adam steals all th twix bars tho. tht's okay bc Eric likes snickers anyway n Art is fond of reese's peanut butter cups. they share th sweet tarts + conversation hearts!)

Halloween is when they get a big bowl of candy 2 leave on th porch fr the kids who're trick-or-treating while th three of them stay inside (+Daniel sometimes!) n watch some classics, like their Christmas tradition. they Also add in some bad movies 2 mix it up a lil bit bc sometimes u just need a laugh. I am like in Lov w the idea u had abt Eric n Adam sometimes building cozy pillow forts, so they do tht n the three of them just vibe in there n lay together n look n talk. n like it's So Much Fun 2 have ppl to like. discuss movies w while yr watching them! esp when they're ppl who won't be annoyed w u when u wanna share a thought! like Eric n Adam will get into this deep discussion abt horror movie decisions n Art will just lay there n listen bc he loves them so much n loves hearing them get amped up abt things. he'll offer his own two cents if asked too! mostly he listens, but he can definitely contribute.

inevitably at some point, someone's hand ends up in Eric's hair n he's just. asleep not too long after that. usually on someone's shoulder or against their chest, n depending on who's still awake, they either try 2 move to th bedroom or they just sleep in th living room (i.e.: Art will try to convince Eric n Adam to come to bed properly, whereas Adam will just b like "fuck it" n pass out right there. has this led 2 them waking up sore b4? absolutely. but it's like. "we r adults who live w our decisions n this one happened 2 be sleeping on th floor" so.

n then a minor one is on their birthdays, some1 (usually Art, to be completely honest w u) will cook tht person their favourite comfort food fr dinner n they all help make cake/cupcakes/cookies/something dessert-related of their choice. so like Art rly likes brownies, Adam is fond of strawberry jello poke cake, n Eric can make some RLY good carrot cake cupcakes w homemade frosting too. it's just smth fr them to do together + like! it's celebrating! they've all been thru so much hell but they're still here! n that's rly th focus for the three of them. sometimes they have ppl over too - like Rigg, Gibson, Brit, Mallick, Lawrence, William (all of them best-case, obv); it's nice 2 have a lil party sometimes! after what they've endured they've kind of earned it I think!

thank u sm!!! this was so fun 2 think abt fjdkjsk

(lil random hc: when Daniel was little, Eric used 2 write letters to him frm Santa. eventually Daniel got "too old for that," but honestly? they cherish tht memory. I wanted 2 include it bc it makes me kjehfje!!!)

[szopenhauer]

Can you talk on the phone while having the tv/radio on? not really ^^”

Describe your teeth: ugh...

Whats the longest youve lived without electricity? days, maybe weeks, no longer than 2

Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried: RGD blue

What is one thing you stand strongly for? hmm... I’m weak

If you could be the owner of one site what would it be? old polyvore :(  I’d keep it 

What does your doormat say? sadly nothing

What is something you always have in your fridge? light lol

What age can you not wait for? I’m not looking forward to growing older wtf

Name all the drugs you’d never do: I don’t plan to try any illegal substances nor even cigarettes or alcohol

What is the most alcohol you’ve drank in a night? half a mug of absynth while I was on meds that I shouldn’t mix with it :x

What street sign do you find totally pointless? round ones have no points lmfao *dry humor

Do you like water? but drink or what?

Would you ever be a zoo keeper? maybe Do you like the name Mia? it reminds me of Mamma mia and I disliked this movie as I’m not fan of musicals so...  Do you have pictures in your room of your friends and you? just parents and dog, not even grandma’s anymore Would you like to live in Canada? no Do you want to be a mouse? dunno When was the last time you had a date? recently Are you in a poke war on Facebook? it reminds me of Sebastian :x Aren’t penguins cute?  they’re fine Would you rather have your friends at your house or you at theirs? have friends over is cool if not my mother and mess (and covid now too of course) as going out is a struggle  True or false: Life is unfair. sigh... Do you have curtains in your living room? What do they look like? we do, they’re like golden/yellowish/beige 

Are you a fan of Star Wars? huge

Do you hate when people don’t capitilize the beginning of the sentence? I do it all the time True or False: Justin Bieber is gay. he’s married to a female, he was dating a gal before too, it’s unlikely

Are you worried about how much paper and water we use? mhm

Did you ever take a computer class in school? we all had to Would you like to sit around and do nothing all day? mmm :3

Mini skirts, jeans or both? neither Are you good at come backs? better than when I was a kid fo sho! When’s the last time you watched the news? I don’t even remember Do you really think that the number 13 is unlucky? it’s my dad’s lucky number  Personality or looks? personality is 90% + I don’t count sex - just women exclusively Do you ever dance around your room when your by yourself? at times Do you hate the cold? very, brrr How long can you hold your breath for? about a minute? What’s something you seem to run out of often? ... Do you think that there really is someone out there for all of us? not for every human being  Do you think Cookie Monster is cute? it’s alright Do you ever wish you were a bird? yes Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? I fight a lot of ppl in my dreams Do you ever wish on your eye lashes? I believe they’re sent by those who think about you instead Do you ever make up stories in your head and wish they come true? some of them only Do you look at people in the eyes when you talk to them? usually not when I talk which makes them think I’m lying, I prefer to look them in the eye when I listen  Which is worse: stuffy nose or runny nose? runny nose is worse  Do you think it would be cool to be part of the royal family? it would be easier in some ways, harder in others, guess it could be worthy after all? Do you have to wear a belt with your pants? I don’t own/wear any Do you think your last relationship was a disaster? I’m taken rn True or False : You were born in March false Do you wear hats in the winter? I do, it’s cold

Are you looking forward to the new year? sorta Are you afraid that one day you may get cancer? I know I will Which is worse : Dentist or doctor? doctor

Do you hate when the radio overplays a song? that’s one of the reasons I don’t listen to the radio What’s your least favorite thing that begins with the letter C? chronic illnesses? Do you wish you could walk on water? how would I take a bath then? Which is your favorite symbol : ! @ $ % ^ & * ( ) ? ? Do you like your legs? they’re not the worst Would you rather visit London or Paris? London Twilight or Harry Potter? HP if I have to choose any Do you have a big nose? I heard I do, they were calling me NOSE in middle school Can you rap? nah Do you like the number 4? meh What color is your bike? my push scooter is green ;) Have you ever tried to count the stars? I don’t think so Are you not over someone? apparently as we’re dating 

Have you kissed someone today? not today Have you taken a painkiller today? nope Have you had a nap today? neither If you’re currently in a relationship - do you think it will last? I’m afraid not ;(  *covid, my issues, our differences etc. - everything can fuck it up and probably will I try to enjoy the moment but it will break us hard sooner or later and I’m getting used to the tought even tho she asks me not to give up (I don’t plan to but I worry she might) I’m gonna miss what we have... if this relationship won’t work I’m not gonna look for anybody new ever  What would you wear if you were being taken out to dinner tonight? how fancy? Do you take your Christmas decorations down before or after New Years? after, before my birthday Have you made a large purchase today? no Have you ever had a migraine? it’s a disease, you either have it or not, that’s not just a single headache Have you locked your front door today? my parents are outside muahahaha Have you been awake before sunrise today? noooooooo

Do you normally eat dessert? nope Do you think you could be happy if you had to live with only nine outfits? not during winter Do you watch sunrises? barely ever Do you wake up before the sunrise? when I can’t sleep Do you watch sunsets? not interested

What would you paint on a pumpkin? why not carve? Do you ever imagine you are richer than you are? when planning my dream apartment  Do you ever imagine that you live in an entirely different world? kind of Would you rather change your first name or your middle? I have no middle name, I could add one or change first, whatever Do you wish your last name was more interesting? more like shorter  If you wrote a novel, would you give the characters ordinary names? it varies Do you worry too much? I’m a worrier What’s your favorite leaf color? green Do you wonder if you have super vision? I have a very good vision which is weird knowing how much I read in the past and how long I sit in front of the computer Do you like the smell of autumn leaves? not a fan If you were a singer, what would you sing and write songs about? sad stuff Would you rather be a dancer or a musician? musician

Where do you put your keys when you get home? not gonna tell you

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? what if I win the contest?...

What does a successful relationship look like to you? success is when ppl die together (I mean not the same time but when they get older together) and not just because they had to, relationship is more than getting used to and coping - it’s happiness out of being together even if everything around is shit, you know what I mean?

What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? I’ve never moved

Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? if I need to

Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? nope?

What was the last email you received? spam

Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? less filters than most but it also depends on who they’re talking to and what about

Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? youngest

What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? I’m a procrastinator so don’t even ask

What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? fb messenger

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 8.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.5k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ please tell me if youre still interested in this story? i feel like its dying slowly lol ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.

♥ PART 1  // PART 2 // PART 3  // PART 4 // PART 5 // PART 6 // PART 7

                      8.0  PIZZA SAUCE & VESTIGE OF LOVE

HIM

When the doorbell rang, I was not sure if it was the pizza or Louis and I was surprised to see Louis holding the pizza I ordered with a incredibly huge grin. Freddie was looking at me, his head laying against his father's shoulder and when I reached to grab the pizza, Louis pulled away and moved his son closer to me.

"Take Freddie, I don't trust you with the pizza." he joked, making me roll my eyes with a smile.

I took Freddie in my arms and walked inside, taking off his coat and stuff while Chelsea was looking at us excitedly.

"Where is the most beautiful princess on the planet?" Louis asked a bit too loud as he took his own coat off, putting the pizza on the couch.

"Uncle Louiiiis!"

"There she is!" he let out with a grin, crouching down to her level and opening his arms.

She threw herself at him and they hugged tight, making my heart twist in my chest. I was still mad at him. Mad that he hid my own daughter from me. Mad that he lied to me all these years. Mad that I couldn't trust him anymore. And also jealous. Jealous that he formed a bond with my daughter, a bond I desperately wanted and needed.

He got up, bringing her with him as he kept on holding her tight. I don't know if it's the way I was looking at him but when our eyes met, his smile faltered and he put my daughter back on the ground.

"Okay kids, how about we eat that pizza?"

Freddie's face seemed to light up while Chelsea just threw her arms in the air again with an other "Yessss!". Louis made his way to the couch and I bent down from behind it.

"Not in the living room, Lou, they're kids and this is pizza."

With a low sigh, Louis got up again and grabbed the box as the kids stared at him. I was aware Louis knew how to take care of a kid but we were very different persons and he knew me well enough to be aware of my habits. I did eat in the living room, of course, and with adults it could always pass, but kids were an other story.

"Come on guys, let's go in the kitchen!"

They followed him obediently and he helped Freddie on a chair as I grabbed a few plates. Louis joined me and search for a pair of scissors before cutting small pieces of pizza for his son. I watched him and did the same on a different plates and we brought them to the kids who started eating with their hands. I grimaced but decided to keep my mouth shut as we both took a few pieces of pizza, joining them at the table.

It's only when they were done that my heart seemed to literally stop in my chest. The table was covered with pizza sauce and while trying to get down from her chair, Chelsea gripped it and left red traces on the white wood.

"Chelsea wait!"

She didn't listen and kept walking, making me hold my breath. I almost tripped to catch her and grabbed one of her wrists gently, making her look up in my eyes.

"I'm going to the bathroom to clean." she explained, blinking a few times.

I stared at her, my heart still beating hard against my rib cage. It was hard to remember that kids don't think like us and I obviously knew my daughter didn't mean wrong, but it was something I was just not used to yet. I looked up when Louis joined us, extending me some wipes and keeping a few.

"Chelsea, you know the rules, darling, don't you?" he let out, grabbing her free wrist and moving it up while cleaning her hand.

"I forgot."

I remained motionless for a few more seconds before imitating him, wiping the grease from her other hand until it was completely clean.

"Are you done eating now?" he asked again, letting go of her wrist as she nodded. "Okay, you can go back to the living room to watch the movie. Freddie will join you soon.

My eyes followed her until she was out of sight and finally moved back to Louis.

"Thanks.." I said as he grabbed the dirty wipes from my hands.

"You're welcome."

We walked back to the kitchen and Louis cleaned his son too before putting him down from his chair and telling him to go join Chelsea to watch the movie. It took Freddie longer to walk away but we remained silent until we were all alone.

"Don't worry mate, that kind of thing is easy to remember." he just said, grabbed a few more wipes to clean my chair. "It's everything else that's complicated."

I got out of my thoughts and walked to the sink to grab a cloth, wetting it quickly and bringing it back to the table. Louis and I both cleaned in silence and when we were done, I turned to him again, leaning against the counter.

"It's going well though, she called me 'uncle' a few days ago."

Louis smiled wide and sat back at the table, his body still facing me. I didn't know why I wanted to share all this with him, but he was pretty much the only person I could talk about it with besides my ex girlfriend.

"Chelsea calls people like that when she loves them." he explained.

"I know. I feel lucky she already considers me family." I admitted with a small shrug. "I just... I just dread the day I'm gonna tell her i'm actually her father."

He sent me a sad smile and nodded, fixing his hair by moving a lock on the right, over his eyes. I slipped my hands in my pockets, glancing in the living room's direction, hearing the movie in the background.

"I can't say I know how scary it must be, but I have no doubt it is." he expressed with compassion. "Just trust yourself, and trust Chelsea. I know you noticed already, but she's a very smart little girl. She's already suffered enough from not knowing her father. You getting in her life is the best thing that could happen to her, Niall. I'm serious."

I wouldn't have had to get in her life just now if they hadn't lied to me. Chelsea wouldn't have suffered from not having a father if they didn't hid her from me all those years. I swallowed those thoughts and inhaled deeply before sighing. I knew I would have to let go of this grudge at some point but clearly, I was not ready.

"Yea, maybe you're right."

"I am."

We remained in silence for a while and Louis finally got up, opening my fridge and grabbing two beers, handing me one. We opened them at the same time and took a sip. It immediately made me feel a bit better and I put it on the counter, lost in my thoughts again. How was I going to let go of this incredible anger I had inside?

"So, how is it going with her?"

I tried to focus on Louis again and looked up at him, shrugging.

"Very well, I think. We get along great." I pointed out. "Like you said, she's amazing. And her imagination is so surprising at times."

I thought of all the things she had told me earlier and it made the left corner of my lips move up. Maybe I was biased, but I truly believed Chelsea was the most extraordinary kid in the whole world. No, I was not biased. She really was.

"She's fascinating." I just added.

"She is, but I was not talking about her."

As if on cue, my phone started vibrating in my pocket and I took it out, noticing a message from my ex girlfriend. I quickly typed an answer, telling her where we were, and put my phone on the counter next to my beer.

"Not well." I just confessed with a sigh, rubbing both my hands on my eyes. "She tried to kiss me and I backed away."

When I opened my eyes again, Louis was staring at me, grimacing.

"Ouch."

"I know, there's just no place for this in my head right now." I continued. "I don't know how I feel, I'm all over the place, and I don't want to start something with her if it's to end again. I don't even know if she wants to be with me for the right reasons, or if we just want things to go back to how they used to be. Because we can't go back, it's impossible."

"Niall, listen to me." Louis ordered in a low voice, taking a step closer. "You love her. You've loved her all along. And I know she loves you too. I don't think she ever stopped."

My heart skipped a beat at his words and I looked up in his eyes, trying to discover is he was sincere. Why did I want his words to be true so fucking bad?

"You should give it a chance. Who knows where it can lead you?"

I shook my head and turned around, taking a few steps away.

"It could lead to hurting Chelsea. It could lead to making her believe she's going to have a family, and then making things worse if it ends up not working. Do you see all the wrong it could do to her?"

"Niall!"

I turned back to him in a swift movement and stared at him. He was serious in a way I hadn't seem him be very often. He put his beer gently on the table and moved closer to me, grabbing both my arms.

"No matter what happens, you will always be Chelsea's father, and she will always be Chelsea's mother. Those are facts. No one and nothing can take this away from you, you understand?"

The truth behind his words made something jump in my throat and I swallowed what felt like an emotion lump. I nodded slowly, letting his words sink in and he kept talking.

"You don't have to tell Chelsea about it now, you can give it time. But you should give you two a chance."

We looked in each other's eyes for a few minutes and I finally sighed, moving out of his embrace.

"I'll think about it."

"You know what they say, 'it's better to regret doing something, than regret not doing it.' Or something like that."

Maybe he's right. Maybe I should give it a try, maybe I should kiss her, maybe I should give Chelsea a family. Maybe I should do it for the three of us, and maybe it would make all of us happy. But maybe it wouldn't, and this possibility was constantly flashing in my mind like the red light of an alarm. And I couldn't seem to forget about it.

HER

I drove to the address as fast as I could and parked in the driveway, a bit taken aback by the house in itself. It was impressing, and bigger than I imagined, but I tried to push the thought away and walked quickly to the door. Sometimes, I forgot Niall was rich and famous. In fact, I forgot about it most of the time. He's always been the laid-back guy, hanging out with the same friends he's always had, doing the same things he's always loved, and enjoying a night at home in front of the tv or with a few friends at the pub more than anything else. It was something I always liked about him, and that's probably why Louis and him get along so well.

I rang the doorbell and tried to listen to what was happening inside. I couldn't hear Chelsea but after a few seconds, I heard steps coming my way and the door swung open. I expected to see Niall but my smile fell down slightly when I saw Louis. It only took half a second to smile back and walk in, wrapping my arms around my friend.  He pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek gently right before I pulled away.

"Hello darling, how are you?" he asked in a low and gentle tone, making me feel at ease immediately.

"Just happy the day is over."

Louis glanced at his watch and raised his eyebrows.

"Weren't you supposed to get out earlier than that?"

I grabbed his wrist to take a look at the time and finally sighed, nodding slowly. 10 pm.

"Yes, but Carly was late and I had to wait until she got there." I explained with a grimace, letting go of his arm. "Why are you even here?"

"Niall needed company." he let out with a smirk just as Niall walked in the room.

The atmosphere switched suddenly and I felt my heart jump in my chest. I was so mad at myself for feeling Niall's presence with every fiber of my body. It was becoming a problem and I had no idea how I would be able to wean myself off of him. It was worse than a drug.

"I didn't need anything, you sort of invited yourself." Niall laughed, slipping his hands in his pockets.

Louis started laughing and Niall's eyes finally met mine and like an idiot, I looked away, feeling my heart hit against my rib cage. Maybe I should have let him kiss me a few days ago. Maybe I was wrong, maybe a pity kiss was better than no kiss at all. I breathed in and looked up again at Niall. He was still staring at me and my lips curled despite myself.

"How's Chelsea?"

"She's good, she fell asleep on the couch with Freddie." he explained, making me nod.

"Okay guys, I love both of you very much, but i'm just gonna grab my kid and leave."

Louis moved between us to reach the living room and I looked down at my hands, trying to calm down the erratic beating of my heart. I wanted to talk to him, to tell him something clever or interesting, but I simply licked my lips and cleared my throat, nervous for no apparent reason.

"Thanks again for today, Niall." I just said, shaking my head. "I promise it won't happen again."

"Hey," he let out softly, bringing his fingers to my chin to move my head up.  He waited until my eyes met his to send me a smile. "You can call me any time, really. I was happy to help."

It was hard to focus on anything but his fingers on my skin but I nodded after a while as I finally made sense of his words. Louis reappeared with his son asleep in his arms and Niall's hand fell down only to hug Louis cautiously. I saw my best friend whisper something in his hear, making Niall frown and nod but quickly pushed the thought away when Louis turned to me, taking me in a close hug.

"Don't be too hard on him but mostly, don't be so hard on yourself, will you?" he whispered, his breath hitting gently my neck and making me smile.

I nodded and kissed his cheek before doing the same to Freddie. We both watched Louis leave and when the door closed behind him, I inhaled deeply, realizing my heart was still beating harder than it should.

"You look like you could use a drink."

His voice was soft, and I desperately wanted to say yes. I knew it was a bad idea, I knew I would probably end up even more hurt than I already was, and my whole body was telling me to run away as far as I could from him, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. It was simply a way my heart had found to save itself, some sort of survival instinct I had to fight against.

"Do you have wine?"

His lips curled into a fond smile and he nodded slowly. I followed him to the living room and gently, he took Chelsea in his arms and brought her in the hall. I didn't follow him. Instead, I sat on the couch and leaned my head on it, closing my eyes. I was exhausted and my body was begging to sleep but I wanted to stay awake, just to spend some more time with Niall and maybe explain what had happened a few days ago. I still felt embarrassed and stupid for hoping we could have a chance but it was stronger than me. I had feelings for him I couldn't seem to smother at all.

I only opened my eyes again when I felt him sit next to me on the couch. I smiled when I saw he was handing me a glass of red wine and thanked him, taking a long sip of it and sighing louder than I should have, making him chuckle.

"I knew it would make you feel better."

I sent him a smile and drank again as he placed his beer between his legs. I've always thought it was a cute habit but tonight, the wine must have been strong because I thought it was hot.

"Why do we always end up discussing together, sitting on a couch with a drink, Niall?"

It made him laugh and he passed his hand in his hair, making my heart jump as he shrugged.

"That's a good question." he pointed out, looking away before diving his gaze in mine again. "Probably because we're both a bit lost, and we're trying to understand what exactly is happening to us. Seeing each other again after so many years and, with Chelsea and everything, it hasn't been easy on us. I guess it's gonna take a lot of discussions."

He grabbed his beer and swallowed almost half of it as I did the same with my own glass, putting it away when my glass was finally empty.

"I never wanted to hurt you, or make you feel bad, you know that, right?"

I knew it so I nodded, but that didn't mean I didn't feel like shit. For everything I put him through, but also for being rejected. He didn't have to love me, it was true, and it was not really surprising that he didn't anymore, but the thought still dug a hole inside my chest.

"I didn't want to hurt you either. I promise my intentions were good."

"I know." he breathed, putting his beer away, next to my empty glass, and shifting a bit on the couch to get closer to me.

I didn't know what he was doing but I liked it. However, I couldn't move. I just stayed motionless as he brought both his hands to my cheeks again, exactly like he had done a few nights ago, and I expected what he was going to do, or at least hoped for it. This time, though, I didn't back away. I waited impatiently until his lips pressed on mine and closed my eyes. My hands reached for his shirt slowly and I gripped it like I was holding on to him to stay alive, and perhaps, I was. His lips parted mine and I allowed him to kiss me deeper. He tasted exactly the same, and I hadn't realized just how bad I had missed it until that very moment. I couldn't think of anything better, and it suddenly hit me. That's why I thought it would be worse. Now that I had this again, not being able to get it again would be too hard and I had no idea how I would be able to recover from it. His warm mouth pressed more against mine and as crazy as it sounded, I could feel the beating of his heart against the palm on my hand against his chest. I didn't want this kiss to end but when it did, he remained close, his lips still brushing against mine.

I don't know how long we stayed close to each other but we both moved away slightly after a while, breathing in deeply and looking away, a bit embarrassed by what had happened.

"Do you want an other glass?" he asked in a low tone.

I could smell his cologne, mixed with the unique sent from his skin, and it made me feel dizzy, but perhaps it came from the way he had kissed me only a few seconds ago.

"I can't, I have to drive home."

I tilted my head, watching his facial expressions change a few times and a few seconds later, he shrugged and looked back in my eyes.

"Maybe you don't have to." he whispered. "Maybe you could stay the night."

[rgr-pop]

feferi replied to your post :

what I love about the way anna puijganer talks...

what i find interesting about this is the # of apts in LA specifically that are kitchenless “bachelor” apts for 1k a month that ppl live in not bc subversive but bc poverty

see, I think it’s important to point out that this work is not saying “this thing poor people are doing is subversive and cool” as much as “this is how people live and have lived, and what can we learn about that? what’s useful? how does the way people actually live differ from how planners are planning?” (buuuut dolores hayden was certainly making that kind of argument!) 

so like, I do get this, buut. I don’t actually think there is any difference in meaning between the tiny ass price gouged LA apartment with a dishwasher and an island, and the tiny ass price gouge LA apartment with only (as I’m assuming you mean by “kitchenless” here) maybe 4 feet of prep space, a fridge, a sink and a range. (literally kitchenless spaces are in a weird zoning space but that’s a whole other thing, interestingly of course codes are one barrier to communal arrangements even in owned urban dwellings sometimes.) that seems like a weird thing to say, right? but there are a lot of questions to untangle:  is it really unethical to create housing where a kitchen is [2 feet of counter space, one fridge, one sink, one range]? is a small kitchen vs a big kitchen a quality of life issue? and for whom? or is the problem just...real estate? is the solution to this problem to advocate for double sized kitchens and dishwashers in rent-controlled single family units?

and the point of the whole thing is: small kitchens [at gouged LA prices exploiting people in poverty, or at market/subsidized rates, whatever] are not unique to LA or anywhere with a lot of density or real estate crises. most poor and working class people who live in multi-family housing (or trailers, or other small single family units) in america have exactly this kind of kitchen, what many people would call “no” kitchen. a “large” kitchen with a lot of appliances in a single-family home is the product of wealth concentration. can we really tell which of these kitchens is correct, normal, healthy, necessary?

one response to this, from these kind of thinkers, says: we are thinking about the best use of space, so if things like “entertaining spaces” and dining rooms and patios are without “function” and should be planned out of existence, then so too are the six-foot kitchen island, the cupboard for the vitamix, the second sink, and so on. i tend to be very resistant to space efficiency ethics architecture arguments (because space isn’t the problem in the vast majority of places where inequality and poverty are severe in the united states, it’s a functionalist red herring) (also for the same reason I hate the kitchen fetishism to begin with: it’s essentialist), but I like this line of arguing precisely because it stretches functionalism in a thoughtful way. but all of that part is just me.

the thing that I find interesting about her work that is also potentially bad (but not necessarily bad), is the distinction it doesn’t make between different types of externalized cooking labor: the idea of kitchenless cities is that multiple units in a community share a kitchen (right, this is like a big part of communal design that critics of the single-family house lately like...forgot about, because they were busy fucking their kitchen) (communal living but we all have big granite countertops). but she is also looking at politically organized paid “outsourcing” of cooking labor. the thing is that that sort of situation is already how you could describe people in cities having “no” kitchens and relying on other people’s labor in the form of, you know, restaurants. 

and that topic has been pretty thoroughly covered, but I think I am more likely to see a fresh new article that says “young urban professionals live with ‘no’ kitchen now because private enterprise [restaurants] has taken over the job of giving them nutrition” (or something like, “poor people, many of whom work in industrial agriculture or food service for almost no money, have to rely on prepared food, so let’s give them a bigger kitchen so they can bake healthy pies”) than I am to see the much more obvious, basic, and (imo) important argument that says “kitchens are big now, and a totally unprecedented and bizarrely huge kitchen is seen as a core feature of white identity and nationalism [not just for women anymore!], because they are exploiting the food-preparation labor of black and brown women in ways that are now differently spatially expressed, but similarly fundamental to whiteness,” to put it gently.

tldr it would be easy for me to say “tiny kitchen rented out by a slumlord isn’t really the same as no-kitchen, because kitchenlessness is about making food preparation communal” but that’s not actually a good response, because take-out or prepared food that people who live in small apartments rely on is a privatized version of exactly that. 

also I’m wondering how she positions the “almost no-kitchen” that she herself has. would we have a kitchenette situation in a semi-communal food preparation situation, for snacking and eating meals that have already been prepared elsewhere? this is just a dorm now nvm my question

[queencryo]

@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.

[impertynencja]

all

oh boy this is gonna be a long one and all of the asks are HERE 

1. im not gonna to write that persons name here because its too personal for me and for her. i loved her so much, she was there for me when no one else was,  even if she lived far far away and we never met. she cared about me and she was so mature, intelligent and wise. and beautiful inside and outside. pure. sacred. oh how i hate that bad timing and place boy. 

2. i regret joining social media like twitter and meeting wrong ppl 

3. i dont identify with them at all

4. pasta....... cakes.... soups.... i like cooking tho

5. i dont know i really like my name! maybe ida/marcelina

6. no but i wanna learn!! 

7. calling by my name, talking about my feelings, showing that i care 

8. yes. vote 4 me

9. art in general! because art always was my safe space and source of pleasure and calm. 

10. im not envious of real people, because i dont know, i dont focus on others. but i feel envious when im thinking about amy dunne. she was THAT BITCH, fearless and brave. wish that were me. 

11. i wasnt there. yet

12. yes

13. DUH yes

14. im cleaning my fridge very often so.... i guess dried tomatoes?? i bought them like 3 weeks ago?

15. lace with that funny stripes, kinda kinky

16. white ferrari by frank ocean, the louvre by lorde and see you again by tyler the creator. cant pick one, sorry.

17. sweet life by frank ocean..... i just love frank so much

18. no....... and i find them boring

19. dust, monsters, sometimes my shirts and empty bottles. also you can find my cat there.

20. LMAO yes. im that dumbass bitch whos prank calling their teachers 

21. 100 kittens

22. no ! ! ! ! !!!!! 

23. no, because i care too much and im putting too much effort. and i dont know if this silence is worth it.... what the fuck am i doing right here? i am stupid bitch and i hate myself. can someone come here and fix my life???? please i offer 2$ . i guess i just wanna be loved man

24. i am the clumsiest girl in the world but.... 0

25. school contests. they were big and small. i was born winner

26. a nice cozy house in the middle of nowhere. and a cow.

27. back to the future and all dogs go to heaven

28. sea food 🤢

29. thats very nsfw and/or illegal 

30. yes and BITCH WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!! W H Y!!! 

31. yes id rather adopt child than give birth to one 

32. idk i just want to start living on my own and its embarassing for me because i have a toxic family and they will laugh @ me. 

33. banana bread.  ugly on the skin lovely from within

34. dont know, i dont care about material possessions

35. i have too many important memories and i cant pick one!!! this is too hard

36. few minutes ago???? 

37. 38. pretty old

38. lorde?? frank ocean??? jake gyllenhaal??? amy adams?? please be my friends

39. no

40. yes and it went so good. we just went to the cinema and park and we kissed all day. wish i could go back in time and do it once again. and again and again and again and again and again again. 

[fishfacedterror]

ok

so i know you need bad shit to happen for catharsis to happen, in 2 weeks time we will be able to hear a whole bunch of talks over whats happened and at least cad gave us something to fucking do in the face of all this so its not gonna be a depression puddle while the m9 stumble about trying to figure out what the fuck to do

but like

im honestly, genuinely getting at a point where i just cant care about the show anymore

like, if everything the characters do just causes things to get worse, why continue? if for all their efforts all they get is a  at bestshrug, why continue adventuring? it just sells the message that they should have just settled down, doesnt it?

it helps absoloutely nothing that this is a year from when molly died, and now one of the only other openly queer characters has basically been fridged (i guess you could argue that matt has just put her on the bus bc ashley has to go to blindspot and thats deffo valid, but if in 4 months ashley decided she’d rather roll a new character bc theres no reason for her current character to come back or w/e, that ending is bad and vague enough that she could definitely be fridged if they wanted to, and as a bunch of ppl playing a game that makes sense, but as a bunch of people making a show? that sends a pretty ugly message)

its also a thing that i’m still absoloutely furious that molly died. sure! death has to be real in order for any stakes to exist in this game

but like

you know... its a game? and that you can... idk... change the rules if you want to??? to make it fun?

and i know this is all selfish bc nobody was like YEAH LETS THROW MOLLY UNDER A BUS TO FUCK WITH PEOPLE but like

molly was kind of the first openly genderfluid person ive seen depicted in big media. and sure! its nice that theres a nb npc (wandering around where the m9 will probably never go again) that is doing fine... but thats not and is not ever going to be the same as somebody playing a nb character, somebody having a nb pc that we get to see every day, and you know what? I’m still hurt that got taken away, and that, weither through roleplay or through the dm’s decisions, they cant even remember them in the groups actions of “leaving a place better than you left it”

[uniformbravo]

bloop heres a post abt my 3-day trip to san diego B)

this was just gonna be a list of highlights but i ended up talking about a lot so it’s more like a Kind Of The Highlights But I Got A Little Carried Away list

it was a 2 hr drive so i put on some tunes & forced everyone in the car to listen to my thousands of anime ops and piano covers it was *fire emoji* (im not on mobile)

at the end jaelin said she couldn’t hear it the whole time rip

made myself carsick looking at mob psycho memes while we looked for a parking spot at the museum for 20 minutes (it was worth it they were good memes)

the museum we went to had a whole gaming thing going on where they just had a shitload of games out for ppl to play & one of them was just dance projected onto like an entire wall basically & i mean i didnt play but it was fun watching my mom try her best 

she played against two of my sisters who both beat her by more than double her score hgdhgksd bye mom

got a nauseating headache in the science museum & took the opportunity to sit down & look at more mob psycho memes for 35 minutes while the advil kicked in

felt better by the time we went to see this fuckin movie about national parks in the us but idk it was like. the whole reason my mom wanted to go to san diego was to see this movie bc they were getting rid of it soon & after seeing it i can see why they’re taking it out kjgkdjgksd like!!! it would’ve been cool if it told u shit about the parks like fauna and flora shit but it had this dumb little narrative abt these three campers traveling to each park & fucking around & i looked over at jaelin at one point & she was asleep & i was like same

im being too hard on it, it was kind of interesting to watch and had some cool visuals but the acting was pretty embarrassing & unnecessary, i wish it would’ve tried to be a documentary instead of entertaining. that’s my Professional Review of this random movie they’re removing forever soon, hope u enjoyed

realized i had more free time at the hotel than i thought i would & v heavily regretted not bringing my tablet to draw aaaaaahhhhh it was ok tho bc i brought my big sketchbook so i just drew in there B)

i’ve been drawing a lot of terukis i think i accidentally discovered a hidden love for him on the midnight shores of the san diego bay

(what i actually discovered is that he’s v easy to project a rly specific part of myself onto hgkdgksdjkgjsdk)

rented bikes to ride by the bay & it was super fun bc i havent ridden a bike in a long time but like. the second half started getting really hard for me & i thought i was just weak shit bc i literally never exercise but then i realized my back tire had gone flat hfdjghsd my legs were..... so sore

also the seat was shaped weird so my ass was sore for the rest of the trip. it’s still sore tbh. i have a bruised ass

went to a model train museum which was pretty cool bc the little towns had little people & jaelin and i were making up stories for them (my favorite recurring joke was pointing out ppl that had fallen over & calling them dead)

after the trains we made a spur-of-the-moment decision to stay a third day to see more museum shit bc why not so we managed to grab a room at a new hotel and #Locked In our decision

on the way to the second hotel we got a flat tire so i was like convinced i was cursed bc wtf it was literally on the same day???

while we waited for the tire repair i got a pink lemonade from taco bell and it was amazing i can’t believe i ever thought piece of shit sprite was worth even looking at over this

ok so i need to talk about the second hotel we stayed at because it was... literally the fanciest hotel i have ever stayed at in my entire 22 year old life

it was a mariott?? but a fuckin Fancy Mariott ok first of all we were on the 19th floor which just..... what the fuck

floor level was the 6th floor, this bitch went underground (though that might have just been the parking garage idk)

the lobby bathroom was like. jesus christ. to flush the toilet u wave ur hand over a sensor??? what’s wrong with just automatic toilets???? why are these toilets so extra????? i couldn’t even get it to work for so long jgkjdkgsd i hate technology

also there were moist towelettes sitting in a neatly folded pile by the sinks like what even. i thought it was paper towels but then it was wet

the lobby also had this fancy-ass bar/lounge where they served starbucks but u had to have a room key to get in i think

in the elevators to get to the rooms you can’t even enter the floor level until you hold your key card against a sensor like what the fuck..... we had to get some strangers to tell us how to do it gjdks i bet if we hadn’t been able to figure it out the elevator wouldve just dropped us 12 floors to our death like Access Denied, Assholes

the room itself was super fucking cramped tho which makes sense like if im gonna be able to afford anything at a place like this u better believe it’s gonna be the size of a damn peanut. it was the fanciest peanut ive ever seen in my life tho

the view was uhh we were directly across from some tall office building so at night u could like see into all the rooms it was kinda cool but also weird

there was a jar of hershey’s kisses on the coffee table when we got there but it was dark chocolate so like get the fuck outta here with that shit how dare you assault Mine Eyes (i ate like 4)

it rly was a tiny room tho and it didnt help that there were 5 of us rip... like there was a main room and a bedroom and a bathroom and already that’s making it sound bigger than it was hgkdjgskd 

but even tho it was small it had a lot like.. there was a kitchenette that was big enough for like 1 person to stand there but it had a fridge/freezer, sink, dishwasher, toaster, microwave, cupboards & coffeemaker like there was so much shit crammed in there, this wasn’t no minimalist living space it was just. a lot crammed into one tiny floor plan

anyway yeah it was really bizarre for me to be in a place like that & i just constantly felt like i didn’t belong there but that was mostly my anxiety lol i really dont like being in fancy places in general idk. it was still kinda fun tho

the natural history museum was cool, they had a bunch of animal skulls & taxidermy which i thought was pretty neat. all their dinosaur stuff was in the basement tho which u had to pay extra to see which like. bye

they did have some cool movies tho, they were like nature documentaries, one on marine biology around baja california and the other on animals of the galapagos & those were pretty neat, way better than that national parks shit we saw at the science center jgkdjkskdkdjg 

ok so this one’s more of a buildup over the 3 days so im gonna give a lil 3-part summary

day 1: we went to panda express for dinner & i had leftovers so i was like “sweet im saving these for when we get home” (bc the hotel had a fridge right)

day 2: got a rly good burger from a vegan place, my brother got the same one but didnt want his second half so i was like “cool more leftovers im gonna have so much good food when we get home this is perfect”

day 3: fucKIGN LEFT BOTH CONTAINERS IN THE FRIDGE ACCIDENTALLY WHEN WE CHECKED OUT HKDJFLSKDG i was literally so good about it the first two days like when we switched hotels i made sure not to forget them and i held onto them & everything & then halfway through the third day i was like “SHIT”

it’s ok tho bc for dinner that 3rd day we did panda again & i got the same thing so i have the same leftovers again hehehehehe

ok i think that’s basically everything & im not just saying that bc it’s 1:45 am and ive been working on this for like an hour and a half at this point.,.,. overall it was pretty fun, i think i liked the bikes & those animal movies the best... also the drive out bc i got to play my music lmfao (i love sharing my music ok)

anyway the end thank u

[petestarebanks]

this turned into a lot of talking i’m drunk sorry

since i love talking about myself and i’m working on finishing all the random cider/alcoholic drinks in my fridge i appeciate @chitown-sounder for tagging me in this

1) How tall are you? I’m 5′7″ and I don’t have anything else to say about that. 

2) What Color And Style Is Your Hair? My hair is medium brown which is v boring I want to dye it like daaaaaaark brown in an attempt to match my fingernails and my wardrobe which are both slowly entering the shadow realm until I can finally take my rightful place as an all powerful witch of darkness where I belong. Lately I’ve been working on growing my hair back out, right now it’s just below the middle of my back bc a year and a half ago I decided I wanted to go back to the bob I had in senior year of high school. Generally speaking my hair is an awful mess.

3) What Color Are Your Eyes? Depending on the day/weather/my mood/the color of my shirt it varies between blues and greens and greys. I wish I was constantly crying so they could be green always. 

4) Do You Wear Glasses? Yeah and tbh people always ask me why I don’t wear contacts and like why the fuck would I? When I got glasses in the 10th grade (After 3 years of staring at a computer screen bc I got obsessed with writing and never wanted to leave the house I developed near-sightedness like a fuckin dope) I was hype af they somehow made my face look less round imo like honestly my glasses make me look older and less pudgy and I fuck with that shit. I, like my dawg Cody, also am getting new glasses in like a week or so (They’ll be in on the 11th and I’m reeeeady) and I got 2 pairs, one of which is the same rectangle shape I’ve always had and the other one is more fahionable and maybe I’ll like them??? I better bc they were expensive but they were literally buy one get one free so....... Idk they’re more round shaped I can’t wait to put new accessories on my face

5) Do You Have Braces? I never did and it’s funny I always had a fucked up dental situation ok my front 4 teeth on the top were shaped like |_|_/\_||_| it wasn’t a gap or anything my teeth were just angled like that??? Apparently there was a bone in my gum where it shouldn’t have been and it was keeping my teeth from growing right and so when I was like 8 they did a removal of all 4 teeth like - ya girl was in the third grade missing my 4 front teeth??????????? Embarrassing anyway they took out the teeth and when I went back a few months later to get the bone out there was literally no bone there? There was no explanation for it it just wasn’t there and my teeth grew back in perfect. My teeth aren’t perfect by any means like I have a severe overbite and my lower row has a small gap in the front and also I had a fuckin tooth that grew in the middle of the roof of my fucking mouth????????????????????????? Teeth are so weird anyway that tooth got taken out and I’m just here living with a semi-ok mouf now

6) What Is Your Fashion Sense? Whatever I feel like wearing when I get out of bed 15 mins before I’m supposed to be at work lmao whatever takes the least effort and still looks put together enough. There’s a lot of black and particularly black leggings bc they almost pass for dress pants which works for my job. Also a lot of camisoles paired with shawl/overshirt things idk what they’re called. And jean shorts whenever I’m not at work.

7) Do You Have Any Siblings? I have 4 step sibs and 3 sisters - my sister Candace is 28 and got married last year, we always argue about politics (we are on the same side but she is a realist and I’m a romantic) but we love each other even though she makes me cry from emotions and frustration. My step brother John is 27 and he’s always been a fuckin dickhead even when we were kids and they were just my neighbors and not my step sibs - yes my father is dating a woman who used to live across the street from us in the neighborhood I grew up in - He is v strong and has strong opinions, has a lot of tattoos and is a misogynist. My sister Jackie is 26 and is a human fucking landfill who I haven’t spoken directly to in 4 months bc she got mad at me when I showed concern about her boyfriend being abusive, then he did beat her ass and when I tried to talk to her about it she fuckin blocked me on Facebook. Oh yeah and she’s pregnant with his kid and won’t stop smoking cigars. Fucking landfill. My step sis Amanda is 23, always a good time even if she’s a super thot, she has 2 babies who I love more than anything and she lets men make a fool out of her more often than not. I love her. My step brother Chris is my fave step sib mainly bc he went from being an actual juvenile delinquent, arrested and then on parole at age 15 even, to being the first of his family to graduate high school on the same day as me, with a steady job and a wife and a baby and paying his own bills I’M SO PROUD OF HIM. My step sister Tory is 19 and she doesn’t have a real name she’s just Tory, is a bigger fuckin thot than Amanda literally this bitch is in the DM’s of every dude I know and I’m not shaming her like boo do whatever u wanna do but be better at it? Be a boss ass bitch and don’t let ppl make fun of u for being a human disaster?  My younger half-sister Dalaney (Literally, named after Dale Earnhardt thanks to my trash father lmao) is 11 and she lives with her mother in Minnesota. She comes to see us every summer and she is so fucking funny, she is a tomboy and she is a sassmaster just like the rest of us I love her sfm. 

8) What Kind Of Student Are You? I was an honors sudent, took AP classes and barely skirted by (But passed the final exams while my geek fuckin classmates sobbed bc they failed lmao) I graduated with a 4.89 so like, I was litty. I never studied bc why would i read the same thing twice? I also missed a day a week from 6th grade to graduation, bc I was “sick” but really I didn’t feel like going. My mom thought I was lactose intolerant bc I faked sick so much. One time Amanda and I let my mom drive us to school only to walk home (3 miles) and get stopped by a police officer 20 feet from my front door, he wanted to know why we weren’t at school and we lied and said we missed the bus but our moms were fine with us not going to school that day. That fuckin cop offered us a ride to school so we had no choice but to go to school after all that!!!! Then in senior year when my mom left me to live with Jackie I was literally missing 2-3 weeks at a time until the AP was like “If u miss 40 days of school this semester you will be considered a drop out” and I was like “Fuck” so I finished and graduated and never went to college because fuck the education system tbq fuckin h. 

9) What Are Your Favorite Subjects? Math, History, English, Human Geography. I loved learning, that was why I never wanted to be at school, everything was fucking boring but when I had the right teachers, in these subjects in particular, I actually wanted to be there. 

10) What Are Your Favorite TV Shows? I never watched TV until like the last year, I finally got a Netflix subscription and caught up on shit people have been raving about for years but I was completely late on - Shameless, Orange Is The New Black, American Horror Story, Bates Motel, How To Get Away With Murder, in particular. Otherwise I just watch sports. Literally the only reason I pay for cable is so I can watch sports. 

11) Favorite Books? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH Scott WESTERFELD ANRD NEAL SHUSTERMAN. LIKE OK I’LL BE A HARRY POTTER STAN ALL MY LIFE. BUT. SCOTT WESTERFELD WROTE AN INGENIOUS SERIES ABOUT SOCIETAL STANDARDS OF BEAUTY (uglies/pretties/specials/extras) AND ALSO HIS VAMPIRE SERIES WHERE VAMPIRISM WAS TRANSMitted through sex and cats (peeps, the last days) WERE THE ONLY VAMPIRE BOOKS I EVER READ LMAOOOO. then, fucking neal. fucking neal shusterman changed my entire life for the better with a series about a future where the pro-life/prochoice battle turned into parents literally having the option of just, not dealing with their unruly teens anymore by having their body parts fucking dispersed to ppl who needed like new hearts, arms, etc (unwind/unwholly/unsouled/undivided) FUCKING ICONIC and also THE SERIES NEAL WROTE ABOUT KIDS WHO DIED AND WERE STUCK IN LIMBO BC THIS EVIL BITCH WOULDN’T LET THEM GO TO HEAVEN (everlost/everwild/everfound) GOD I LOVE BOOKS SO FUCKING MUCH OK. ALSO FOR MY NON-RELIGIOUS ASS EAST OF EDEN BY JOHN STEINBECK IS FUCKIN EVERYTHING. LIFE OF PI ALSO FUCK AND TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD BOOKS ARE GREAT.

12) Favorite Pastimes? If I’m not Netflix binging or watching sports or going to the movies with my friends or drinking with the one friend I have who I can drink with, I’m writing. I have literally 25 characters now I’m fucking trash but I love them all so much ok leave me alone. 

13) Any Regrets? Nah I think I’m the smartest most reasonable person on the planet so I think everything I do is right and not questionable at all lmao. 

14) What Is Your Dream Job? Huh. Hard to say. I’m doing something I love now, and my boss has been in the business for 20 years and his business pulls in 5 mil a year so like.......... I could stand to keep doing this for a long time. Honestly I’ve never had a direction in life so now that I found an occupation that I love I think this might be my dream job. 

15) Do You Want To Get Married? No lmao marriage is a patriarchal social construct and what’s the point? To legally be able to call someone mine? I don’t like people enough to want to spend my entire life with one. 

16) Do You Want To Have Kids? I never in my life want to give birth to a child. That shit is not for me. I have 5 nieces and nephews, a pregnant sister, and another sister who plans on having at least 2 someday. I don’t need no babies. I’ll be the cool vodka aunt who encourages my trash siblings’ kids to follow their hearts and encourages them to be gay if they’re feeling gay. I have always liked the idea of waiting until I’m like 40-45 and rich, and adopting a 10-12 y/o kid bc those kids never get adopted and I’ll just be the best parent to them. 

17) How Many Countries Have You Visited? I’ve never left the United States lmao. Fuck me right???????????????/

I have finished 3 bottles of beer/beer-like substance while writing this and the Rangers just fuckin lost go figure. I want @gingeronastick and @chrisarchers to do this and also whoever else feels like it ok ily babes

[florafraser-blog]

OOC WEEK: this or that

RAPID FIRE:

Tea or coffee? tea. leaf juice over bean juice.

Stars or planets? planets. pluto is my girlfriend.

Sun or moon? moon. u can’t stare directly @ the sun, but u CAN stare directly @ the moon.

Black or white? black, like my Soul.

The zoo or the aquarium? aquarium!!!!!! lemme watch the fishes!!!!!!

Drama or comedy? drama drama drama drama

Thriller or adventure? thriller Always.

Short walks to the fridge or long walks on the beach? can i have a short walk on the beach?

Indoors or outdoors? both. both is nice, as long as there are no bugs in either environment.

Animals or plants? animals.

Time alone or time with others? listen, human beings exhaust me, but i also require constant attention.

Introvert or extrovert? introvert.

Silence or music? music.

Darkness or light? light, but like, only well lit light.

Cats or dogs? dogs.

Dancing or being the wallflower? dancing my lil toosh off.

Right or left? right.

Werewolves or vampires? i had a rly long ‘the vampire diaries’ phase ok. immortality fascinates me. vampires.

Dressing stylishly or dressing comfortably? as i’ve said to carlie before, my style is “cultivated messiness” aka i look like i put 0 effort in but in a cute way, but i actually put 0 effort in. so dressing comfy but in a stylish way!!!!!

Sunrise or sunset? sunset.

Lead or follow? a lil bit of both. sometimes, u gotta lead when nobody else is doing jack shit, but sometimes, u gotta keep ur mouth shut and follow so that other people are responsible for the Anarchy

Optimist or pessimist? lil bit of both. it’s hard 2 be optimistic when a tangerine is in charge of ur country.

Staying up late or waking up early? staying up late!

Speaking up or staying silent? speaking up always and forever.

White lies or brutal honesty? depends on what the situation calls for. as a rule, i like to be honest, but with the people i’m close with, sometimes that will do more harm than good, and sometimes, you just have to let people come to a conclusion on their own.

Ask for permission before doing the stupid thing or ask for forgiveness after doing the stupid thing? 100% ask for forgiveness after doing the stupid thing.

LONG FORM:

Pet peeves: ppl leaving the toilet seat up, ppl who walk slowly, ppl who eat tuna in public (that shit is STINKY), ppl who stand too close to u in line, ppl who don’t ask permission before they take something of urs or touch something of urs, ppl who sneeze into their hands

Bad habits: not eating enough fruits and vegetables or drinking enough water, spending too much $$ on useless crap, liking boys, not wearing my orthotics, not finishing my food, procrastinating on my work (GUESS WHAT I’M DOING RIGHT NOW), ignoring all of my problems in hopes that they’ll go away, not charging my devices.....ever....., never cleaning my glasses, undoing the hems on all of my clothes

Favourite scents (your amortentia!): peppermint, nail polish remover, freshly baked bread, lavender, dryer sheets, petrol

Favourite animal: ORCA!!!! WHALES!!!!!!

Favourite colour: green~

Favourite place to go (local or otherwise) (photos get bonus points): there’s a student run coffee shop on USC’s campus called “ground zero” and they have the best milkshakes known to man, but they also just in general have such good study vibes and writing vibes, so i spend like 98% of my time there.

Favourite meme: the evil kermit meme

Do you have any creative or artistic abilities? i goddamn hope so!!!!!!!! i would like to think i can write semi well, and that’s about it. i can’t draw or sing or paint, so writing is basically all i’ve got. i also feel like i have Some Aesthetic sensibilities, so i’d be somewhat ok at photography and cinematography, but i’m not actually that interested in the latter, just the former.

Talk about something that made you happy today, yesterday, this week: one of my best friends came w me to see the movie “lion” on monday. i’d already seen it, but i really wanted her to see it, and she got us FREE TICKETS at this beautiful theater in santa monica, and we went, and she loved it, and just seeing her enjoy this thing that i loved made me rly rly happy :’)

Talk about an experience that made you feel proud or confident: OK i bought overalls over christmas break, and let me tell u, i have never felt more confident than i feel in these overalls bc not only do i look Good, i look Gay, and today i put them on, and curled my hair, and i feel like the prettiest goddamn human being in existence :’)

Talk about something/someone that makes you feel relaxed: carlie!!!!!!!!!! this is gonna get sappy i’m trying 2 kill her when she wakes up!!!!!!! but talking to carlie alway makes me feel really calm and chill, even if we’re being super high key about something. and if something’s going Wrong, i know i can talk to her because she always has a Good Perspective that Soothes and Supports, and i love her very dearly :’))))))

Talk about something you’re yet to try for the first time but want to: this is dumb, but i’ve never done a face mask before??? i rly want to??? i want my Skin To Feel Soft And Nourished. i also want to dye my hair and become even more of an aesthetic hoe than i already am

Who are your role models and why: 1) david fincher, for just saying fuck u @ everything and doing whatever the hell he wants 2) viola davis, for her constant intelligence and perseverance and strength 3) shonda goddamn rhimes, for creating an empire 4) amy elliot dunne, for being a BAD ASS BITCH 5) peter paige, for continuing to bring nuanced queer stories to the screen, as an actor, as a writer, as a person 6) all of the friends in my life who are just.........amazing and complicated and driven and heartfelt who constantly give me a reason to want to be the best version of myself

Talk about something you want to do this year: i want to start flossing. flossing and i have never gotten along. but my dentist told me i was like THIS close to having perfect teeth, if only i flossed more, so i was like....u know what.....why not go the extra mile......this is my new year’s resolution, and it’s lame, but it’s Mine.

[catravandece]

🐇 Check-in tag 🐇

Doing this because @joshua-beeking put it out to the universe and I am ~a whore for being known~

1. Why did you choose your url?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rmBqIFeHN8 i was living in montreal at the time so this was extra funny

2. Any side-blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them.

@pommelfrog is my mxtx sideblog which i started bc i just absolutely couldn’t get over that fucking hilarious dream @deretbeshelar posted abt and had to claim the url

it’s ironic tho bc i actually don’t care so much for frogs? they feel like squishy fragile little water balloons so i always hesitate when handling them but then they leap with the force of a coursing river and scare me :(

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

i started my first blog is 2011 and boy howdy im kinda glad i accidentally deleted it in 2018 bc i went through some Phases i’d very much like to be stricken from all records. im sad abt my merlin tag tho

4. Do you have a queue tag?

lmao i dont have enough followers to care about posting schedules o(*￣▽￣*)o

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

internet addiction probably (to be fair i dont have the money to socialize outside)

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

im a slut for making myself on picrew and its pride so i switched to one with a rainbow :3

7. Why did you choose your header?

because the absolute last thing i was expecting from the 1000 Stars finale was for Chief Phupha Viriyanon to be just as clingy and shameless as Tian but it happened and i never recovered

the header photo i always have a hard time choosing bc i want everything to match so i have my sweet noodle ningning bc black matches everything uwu

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

good lord i have like zero real followers but the one time i actually factually shitposted in the modao tag it took off. everyone else apparently also thinks dad!zixuan would have been the most powerful character of mdzs so mxtx had to fridge him

honestly i was just trying to express my desire for a non-time travel related fix it fic 〒▽〒

9. How many mutuals do you have?

8

10. How many followers do you have?

56

11. How many people do you follow?

108? idk how many are dead accounts

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

my life is a shitpost and i am the meme

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

pretty often

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

i made the mistake of trying to engage with an aphobe over yuri on ice once and she made me cry.

i then gave my best friend a heart attack bc i called them and didnt explain right away what happened i just said “i did something dumb”. sorry manda /_ \

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

Guilt-tripping and forcing anyone to do anything is the best way to turn people off a post. I don't approve the method. (Joshua said it best)

16. Do you like tag games?

yes i like tag games. would love to be tagged in them

17. Do you like ask games?

^^^^^^^^^^^^

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i know for a fact @wifihunters is yall should go check out bestie’s stuff owo its fucking beautiful owo

and HEY FUN STORY. so i was rly into barduil back in 2013-14 and read a bunch of fics by @piyo-13 (hi iza yes u r getting dragged into this <3) then 3 years later and 500 miles away from home guess who i find out is the fiancee of my friend from grad school????? it was the funniest fucking thing i swear to god!!! we decided “i trust u enough to give u my fandom presence” and i was like “hey that username sounds familiar” and SURE ENOUGH asjhsdjkd

the world is a very small place lmao

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

nah im way too small for ppl to interact with much and i need that for feelings. i did get a friend crush on someone once before but we weren’t mutuals just both in the same microfandom.

20. Tags?

anyone who ive already tagged above lmao. if u see this and get the urge to be Known pls do it and tag me!!!! i would love to read about u!!!