#but caloric intake is bad

[rabbitindisguise]

oh man it's rough when people are doing PSAs on the issues of eating disorders and I'm like. damn and I'm eating such few calories because I'm poor and live in california

EDIT: it gets worse! $142 aka one half of max benefits decrease in my snap benefits next month! Jesus Christ

[thest4tekid]

Friday selfie!

I'm trying not to be so hard on myself for this week, epic fail that it was. Keeping my mental health up, gonna hit my habits hard tomorrow :)

If you think I'm cute, add my snap: thestatekid ✌🏻

[szczylpierdolony]

wish i was normal about food

[harpieisthecarpie]

looking at how Goro Akechi became a foil of Akira Kurusu thru their childhood (attachment styles)

(Content Warnings for discussing all the stuff in Akechi's childhood specifically, bad parenting, neglect, mental illness. Take care of urselves)

waking up to the tags @1derpu2 added on another post of mine about Akechi ("#I don't think I could survive in his position") had me thinking of a 15-16 year old Akechi, and how survival even feels to him.

Because arguably Akechi has been in survival mode since he was born. Even with a mother doing her best to provide, poverty fundamentally rewrites the brain especially at such a young age−

(Tangent: Akechi's dessert blog actually reminds me of Brennan Lee Mulligan during the d20 Misfits & Magic actual play discussing his character [Evan Kelmp, an unhoused orphaned kid] ordering from desserts at restaurants in order to maximize caloric intake for his money bc stuff on the dessert menu actually tends to contain the most calories– ANYWAYS)

–and he also can feel the underlying tension in how his mother is treated, how he himself is treated, how there is no support network for them. I can imagine that's part of the lure of an ensemble kid's show like Featherman: reliable companions who take your hand rather than slapping it away.

I've done a lot of reading into attachment styles and attachment trauma (bc it's interesting and also haha ;] trauma) and it is a really cool lens to view the differences between our two Wild Cards Akechi and Akira.

adding a reblog with an attachment theory rundown! actual discussion of akechu attachment stuff below cut

There is no better fit for Akechi than a Disorganized Attachment style after finding his sole caregiver and financial (his mother) dead by her own hand after years of her focus being split by the work she needed to do for them to afford survival, before being passed around by distant relatives who viewed him with contempt, if they acknowledged him at all.

The world treated him and his mother like vermin, so of course no one else is trustworthy, of course the people who take advantage are evil. Of course everyone takes advantage. Just like his father, who is the root of this whole horrible thing (the thing being Goro's life, the thing being Goro)

His mother left him violently, voluntarily (from his pov, suicide & mental illness are complicated), so he must be someone repulsive. Incapable of being loved. If he wants others to love him, and he must in order to get close enough to his father to kill, then he must be anything other than himself.

One of the symptoms of disorganized attachment and attachment trauma is the inability to regulate emotions, leading those with it to feel things with an intensity they can't control, soothe, or explain that can fluctuate between emotions rapidly.

And doesn't that markedly fit with a kid who has awoken such disparate personas that are both him? His entire relationship with the world (there must be justice but there is no such thing as justice) and his inner psyche does explain why he brings up Hegel. If you have both Loki and Robin Hood inside you, thesis and antithesis, then isn't it a comfort to know their existence somehow makes sense? That you are synthesis rather than just chaos and pain.

Meanwhile, from the little we hear about Akira's parents and how Persona 5 frames the adults around him, the Avoidant attachment style fits best. He is fiercely independent, with such a strong sense of identity despite with the masks he wears for others that he has the true Wild Card ability. He stands his ground with his morals, even when everyone around him is telling him his life would be easier if he gave up.

He has a strong internal moral center because he was never attached enough to his caregivers that they'd be able to influence his cognitive assimilation. Why trust someone's moral judgment when you can't even trust them with your vulnerability?

This is why Akira and Akechi are so fascinating as foils, as rivals, and as people who know each other better than anyone else could. Akechi walks around as a fake, appealing version of himself that Akira sees through clearly. And Akira likes the bitter, vicious, angry version of Akechi because it's honest. That is the underlying intensity of people he knows is hidden behind the masks adults are convinced are their faces. (Where's your rage? RISE RISE RISE)

Akira and Akechi match so well not because they have a hidden ugliness, but because they view the pleasant masks people wear to excuse or ignore injustice as what are truly ugly. And their difference lies in Akira's belief that there is good in people while Akechi's upbringing has him convinced that humanity is rotten to its roots.

And Akechi wants Akira's beating, caring heart between his teeth because there is still a lonely little child in his own chest who loves Featherman and just wanted a better life for his mom. And who won't fucking die, no matter how Akechi tears the world apart to match his perception of it.

Akechi has spent years trying to kill his heart, which has done nothing but soaked his masks in his own blood.

Akira looks Akechi in the eyes, straight through those masks, and steals his heart from off the chopping block. And he keeps it close even as Akechi turns the blade on him in a rage borne of fear.

They're gay as hell thanks for coming to my ted talk. might improve after work

[listentoace]

How to stop (Feederism Help)

I've been messaged by lots of people now who are into feederism and are really turned on by imagining how they grow absolutely huge, but they don't truly want to commit to the feederism/piggy lifestyle. In case that applies to you, let me offer you some help.

It is quite difficult to learn to resist such a strong fetish, but there are ways how it can be accomplished. From my own experience, a few days of uncomfortable overindulgence will usually be enough to break the illusion of "comfortably eating, enjoying endless amounts of food, being pampered, and growing huge". But to understand this, you need to really experience the suffering, struggles, pain, and discomfort of having gone too far. So here is what you'll do:

Either measure or estimate your usual caloric intake on a day of indulgence or stuffing.

Take at least triple this amount, depending on how much you want to suffer you can go as far as 5 times.

Consume this amount of calories for at least 3 days, literally forcing it down your own throat

You are free to use any foods and beverages to reach your calorie goal. It is important that you choose items that you can easily eat a lot of. Don't think you should suck down a stick of butter because of the caloric density as your stomach will get upset right after (or probably during) and you'll have to stop far before you're actually at your limit of fullness.

When you know you should stop

Once you're having the "How did I get here?", "What the hell am I doing to myself?", and "I just wanna die..." thoughts, you know that you've passed your breaking point. This is when you've made the experience of the immense suffering feederism can lead to and this memory will help you to resist falling into a cycle where you're growing uncontrollably. Instead, you will be more capable to reach a weight you're comfortable with yourself, stay there and really know for yourself that this is where you want to be.

Yes, I'm for once giving advice that isn't meant to make you as fat as possible but rather as fat as you want to be yourself. What a time to be alive!

Some more info

If you're truly scared by losing control to feederism, you should 100% do this to build aversion. You don't have to worry about weight gain as your body isn't adjusted to this amount of calories and will actually start burning more due to the immense surplus. Your maximum weight gain after 3 days should be no more than 2 pounds. Keep in mind that you will weigh in a lot heavier because your stomach is full and you'll probably retain a lot of water. To make sure, weigh yourself before starting and then 7 days after.

Feederism is strongly tied to habits. We call bad habits "addictions" as well, the neurological patterns are either very similar or literally exactly the same, based on the type of habit and addiction. It's always a cycle of cue, action, and reward which turns into craving, action, reward. The longer you stay in this cycle of uncertainty, occasionally stuffing yourself and indulging, then feeling guilty, the more likely you're about to end up with feederism as a habit/addiction. This is because the feeling of guilt occurs far after the consumption of food and is much weaker than the pleasure you feel while stuffing. Additionally, guilt often occurs when you notice or expect weight gain. It is not directly tied to the act of overeating. It's because of this that you keep doing it again. Overstuffing like described above will lead to an immediate negative feeling which will be quite strong and is then directly related to overeating.

Feel free to consume encouraging content while doing this. The further you can push yourself, the more aversion you'll built, which will help you regulate your feederism tendencies.

Also, after having done this, you might start to think "It wasn't that bad" after a while. This doesn't have to happen but it can be the case. You can repeat this as many times as necessary. This depends fully on how strong the kink and cravings are for you. It is actually better to directly do this instead of sneaking in snacks and comfort food again if you're not looking to gain any more weight. Your metabolism will rise quickly with an immediate surplus, but it'll actually adjust and slow down again with occasional, smaller stuffings and snacks.

If you have further questions, please use the consider using the comments instead of my DMs so others get the info as well! I hope this helps! :)

[frownyalfred]

in a post about how everyone might react if Bruce dies in sever the blight, you also said that Bruce had like the most expensive (?) body to keep. Could you please explain what that means?

Love your fics and your writing here!

Thank you so much! Happy to talk about this. TW for discussions of weight/weight loss/calories below.

It's no secret on here that I'm into weightlifting and have therefore done a bit of research into optimizing nutrition for muscle growth and weight loss. When you push aside the bro science and bad cooking, it's actually very interesting. Anyway --

I said that Bruce's body was the most "expensive" calorically for several reasons.

1) he's carrying around a ton of extra muscle. Muscle costs a lot of calories to put on (eating more, etc) and to maintain (eating enough to fuel what muscles you currently have).

2) he's taller and arguably has a higher TDEE than anyone else in the group. TDEE is total daily energy expenditure -- how many calories your body burns in one day. In that fic, he was about the same height as Jason, but carrying around more muscle mass per inch of height than Jason was. Meaning despite being the same height, despite both of them being "big", Bruce's body took more energy to maintain than Jason's.

And 3) while this is more of me hypothesizing, TDEE can be affected by long term training/rest cycles, so my hypothesis was even at rest, Bruce's body was burning more calories than anyone else's, since it was so used to being trained + fed optimally. So it also lost that muscle the fastest, shedding excess weight as soon as it wasn't needed to be more efficient.

All of these combined means two things: 1) Bruce was right, and he was probably the best person to limit food intake, because he actually has excess muscle to lose before you have to worry about the serious effects of starvation. And 2) it was probably very very difficult to watch someone as big and strong as Bruce drop muscle mass that quickly.

[thecrownestt]

Read this inadvertently feedisty thing on reddit about how being fat is so taxing that it is calorically draining. Sure, It's obvious... but who doesn't like it being pointed out in a crude, medically accurate manner?

Even the weakest fatties have the strength/strain to move extra weight with every gesture. Deep inside every obese girl are muscles that skinny people simply don't have. I have to lift weights to earn my strength. You get yours from reaching across the table, from stretching your legs out on the couch. From existing. Every motion equals fatigue that triggers a need for more food.

Let's say you're a dreamy farm animal. You like to sit. You don't like to get up. Too bad. Your body fights against the pulling and heaviness all the same. A diaphragm that instinctually operates all the same, but against inches and inches of fat. Your tits are big? Guess what, that's dead weight that your lungs fight to expand against. Every breath taking more out of you than your feeder would ever consider for their own sake. Stabilizer muscles, like the ones that keep your back straight, your posture upright... those too have to hold up against the pull of your belly, the thickness of your waist.

Finally, your heart. Each beat tasked with getting blood to your increasing belly hang. All that surreal, "is that really me" parts of your hips that don't even register due to being so far away from your reach? Your heart and lungs work so very earnestly in keeping them well and healthy.

It's no wonder you get so hungry. Setting feeding goals become moot. Your body is telling you that it needs energy to upkeep your lifestyle. A creeping lifestyle at that. One would think the cycle is horrifying. Living is a burden, and food helps to satisfy those needs.

How are you going to deny me telling you that you're a big, strong girl who needs her energy to stay well and healthy? You work SO hard to be you. Isn't it cute? Your body is practically begging you to keep eating. Hunger is a reminder that you are losing your precious calorie surplus. I mean, we can't let THAT happen.

Which is why it's so important to keep to a steady diet of extra calories. There are surely bigger girls than you out in the world. It can be done. In fact, I think it's time to up your intake. What's another couple hundred calories? A mere snack for the purpose of keeping you from weakness. I want the others to be jealous about your dedication to keeping well.

[clayderogatory]

hello and welcome to "the leon autism experience" where I, Clay, express the autistic traits that i believe are very heavily seen and coded within Leon's character + my own personal headcanons! This is mostly pulled from RE4R and RE2R!!

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One just right off the bat seems to be expressing emotions. To me at least, Leon doesn't really have a whole lot of facial expressions or a lot of change in tone. Sure he has his quips and remarks, but I feel like those are more of a sort of stim or coping mechanism for himself in these situations he is always put in. Like the best example I could give is if he was opening a gift on Christmas and he is mostly just blankly slated but he appreciates the gift. Something like that...or he sees the practicality of it and gives a simple "Thanks" before moving on.

Another big one I noticed is physical contact. I believe Leon tends to keep to himself, and he tends to stray away from people touching him or as such. Not to say that he would never ever want physical contact, cause there are moments where he will pat someone's shoulder or carry them, etc. But if there wasn't much of a reason to, I don't think he would. Especially with biohazard zombies grabbing him all the time, he might have a distaste for it because it could bring back the memory.

This is more of a personal headcanon but with his own personal life i think he would definitely tend to stick to a very strict internal schedule that he doesn't like to be disrupted. If he has a mission or work, he would prefer to know ahead of time unless it is an emergency call in where it may bother him but not to a crazy degree.

Food. He either is very bland with his taste or will eat anything at all. I tend to think he's more on the bland side but enough to sustain himself. Obviously because he's so fit he has to have at least some sort of caloric intake to maintain a diet, but I think he wouldn't stray far from the usual foods he would find appealing.

His tone may definitely come off as a little blunt sometimes, especially with his silly little "Okays" in important situations. His social cues may be a little off and especially with how awkward he is and can be, it doesn't help those specific situations.

Also, I think maintaining friendships would not be easy for him. Not only because of his job and work, but because I believe he's more of the person who would answer if someone else calls/texts him, but he would not go out of his way to do the same for others. And even then, he's very cut and dry with responses because communication in that way isn't easy for him. It may be too difficult to understand the tone or hard to visualize how someone would say a text out loud, so being in person or calling would be easier. He's also a bit of a lone wolf and probably prefers doing tasks or things on his own.

And lastly, I don't think he could communicate his feelings or emotions very well. He doesn't understand it enough to word it so he just stays quiet about it all until it gets bad enough where he unhealthily tries to cope with it (alcohol). On that note, maybe he partly abuses alcohol because it lessens his symptoms a bit, and for once he can feel a sense of 'normalcy' in his mind.

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and that's all! i hope that makes enough sense and if anyone has their own thoughts or ideas i would love to hear it :)

[liteness]

If you could start over, how would you lose 10 kgs in a month? What would you eat? How much would you fast and how much would you workout?

How would you lose the weight in a step - by step guid?

Thank you so much for your answer🥹💜

first and foremost, i have to disclose that losing that weight that fast will always come back faster, so ive learned to do it in moderation. and eventually you'll hit platues, but i dont want to discourage you..

so, here it is, and this might not be what you were hoping for because there wasn't a secret to doing it:

my first time around, i wasn't drinking anything that wasn't ice cold water, iced coffee, energy drinks, and the occasional alcoholic drink (and if they had calories, i'd count that part of my daily caloric intake) i.e some days just felt like a liquid fast.

my weekly calorie intake was like this:

mon: 200 cal

tues: 300 cal

wed: 400 cal

thurs: 200 cal

fri: 500 cal

sat: fast (only water)

sun: fast (only water)

on the days id have 150 calories to spare i'd eat a snack with protein or fiber ONLY.

my daily workout routine was basically 10,000 steps a day because i had a lot of free time after work.

i used to live with my sister, so she'd force me to make something and eat, but i would simply chew and spit when she wasn't looking. or i would make something over the top like pasta or stews for us both and say that i'd be too full to eat because i'd be picking at it while cooking.

to combat hunger pangs i'd smoke cigarettes BUT!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD HEAVILY ADVISE AGAINST SMOKING CIGS because apart from the obvious danger to your lung health (which is bad on its own), smelling like smoke constantly and the anxiety that comes with wanting another after smoking one 15 min ago, it was staining my teeth bad, coupled with the fact that chewing and spitting was already messing up my teeth - it's just not a good combination. for this: i'd HIGHLY recommend CHEWING GUM ONLY . (plus, smoking increases visceral fat) .

just please dont smoke!!

moving on. for those pesky plateaus, i would increase my calorie intake to 700-900 simply becaus it gets your digestive system moving again, and dont worry, it will come off when you start again. idk the science behind it tbh but it works and if it ain't broke dont fix it. but again, i would only eat snacks like fiber bars or protein bars, boiled eggs, or even indulge in some, watermelon with tajin, chocolate or beef jerky because who said limiting yourself has to be bland all the time.

if you really get hungry that you just cant stand it and you have to eat something, i get you, so i always went with sliced cucumbers or red bell peppers to help me push through because at the end of the day we all need a little extra and they're yummy and not heavy on calories.

and finally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, be patient and kind to yourself. society is already harsh to people who just want to be thin and havent achieved it, you should be the kind person in your life. (hence the reason i dont like meanspo) we all slip up, but whats important is the willingness to get up and try again. 🩷

[justwater4meeeeeeeeee]

hey water

please please u are experienced. if ur bmi is 25 and i wanna be bmi 20 i need to lose around 10kg

i want it in a month.

what are u gonna do like how many calories will u consume and how many cals will u burn.

please if u could reply i will rlly appreciate it i rlly need ur help so bad.

Hi friend!! <3 10kg about 20ish lbs (I used to use kg daily but since being in America I became dumb with kg smh ) anyways…

I would go with my ultimate favorite diet or will create one myself (rules)

Let’s remember that it takes 3,500 calories to lose 1lb so if you fast for the entire month and let’s say that your tdee (which are the calories that your body burns by just existing) is 1,500 (just an average number because I don’t know your height/weight) so if you fast for the entire month (30 days) that will be 1,500 per day (plus whatever you burn if you are active or not) it will take about 3 days to burn 1lb of pure fat. So in 30 days you’ll lose 10 pounds by just not doing NOTHING.

Now, I am not saying just starve the entire month, you could do that but you can lose more if you do OMAD or high volume low calorie diet (300-500 cals max) and OFC add some fasting to your routine. You could lose a minimum of 10lbs by 300 cals OMAD, if you add a daily workout (even if it’s 30min intense workout) you can totally reach that goal.

Just make sure you are covering the basics: water no less than 2 liters daily, sleep 8 hours or take naps during the day, 10k daily steps as a minimum.

The rules that I would do for myself would be if that was my case:

-no more than 400 calories per day

-gallon of water, didn’t finish your gallon of water? Then you can’t have any zero cal or caloric drink yet until you finish your water intake. Water is THE priority

-workout 30 minutes daily minimum. If feeling energetic enough to do more then do so.

-OMAD daily at 5/6pm

-not working out? No eating.

-lax on the weekend to help with pooping

-negative calories, eat 200 calories less than what you burn. MINIMUM

[inspoxjournal]

One of my personal goals is getting in shape.

So I've decided that mondays are gonna be my weekly weigh-in days. And I'm about to share my weight from this morning. But let me talk a little about December 19th which is when this goal of mine really came forward full force.

So December 19th we are at a big family dinner at my in-laws and my toddler wanted a piggyback ride. I squat and she climbs on and I struggle to lift us both up. She only weights about 15kg. When I say that I struggled I really mean I had to push for dear life to lift us both up. But it was that or admitting to my whole extended family how out of shape I am. I literally had to push from my toes I'm not even exaggerating! Somehow I managed (insert Michael Scott gif here) to lift us both up rather then die from shame.

Anyway back then I weighted about 81kg (178.5lbs) and I ate whatever I wanted which unfortunately was potato chips and processed candy. Water intake was ridiculously low. As a breastfeeding mum I do have a luxury of extra caloric intake but what I was doing was so unhealthy to say the least.

And so I decided I no longer wanna be a slob and just grab whatever comes to hand when I feel low on energy. So I made some changes.

I started drinking more water. Like every time I wanted candy or felt like munching on something I would drink water or eat some fruit if I was really hungry. Which was beneficial in many ways.

I stoped eating candy, chips and my beloved chocolate. This is hudge deal for me since I'm a sugar junkie. When my husband told my mum that I'm not eating sweets anymore she literally said "That's impossible she lives for candy." But I did it, I went so far that I placed a ferrero rocher ball on my kitchen counter so that I see it every time when I'm passing by. And every time I made a mindful decision not to eat it. And it worked I got hooked on that feeling of being in control!

I reduced my bread intake. I just started eating things that have more complex carbs. I love rice and chicken for lunch, tortilla omlet for breakfast, oatmeal etc. I stay away from grilled cheese (another staple in my pre baby diet), any kind of spreads (because I end up eating a lot of bread with them) and store bought bread in general.

Workouts but I'm gonna make a separate post about that topic soon.

And now I can happily say that I can squat with my velcro toddler on my back!

My weight this morning was 77,4kg (170.6lbs) and I'm proud of that. Current goal is just bellow 70 so I'll be happy with 69,9kg (154lbs)😅 I honestly don't even know how will I look by then so that can easily change if I'm happy with my strength and if I can fit my favourite pre pregnancy jeans! I'm pretty tall 175cm (5'9'') so all the extra weight doesn't bother me much but my bad shape, oh man that haunted my dreams..

[preemshots]

oc smash or pass

tagged by @theloverstemperance tagging ANYONE who wants to do this but hasn't yet. please tag me as the person who tagged you so i can read about your OC :D rules: pretty self explanatory. include physical descriptions or pics, and propaganda. the “other” label can be used for “sexuality misalignment” (ie: oc is femme and you’re gay, vice versa or you aren’t into smashing but a specific thing you wanna do with them like perhaps hug or study them under a microscope idc).

BASICS

Full Name: NV ("nut v". i never picked a real full name, but it's also not valerie or vincent lmao) Nickname: V Age: 27 in 2077 Height: 5'10" Eyes: Black Kiroshi "The Oracle" with red emissive pupil UI Gender: nonbinary Pronouns: they/she; masc>femme nouns Sexuality: yeah. (bi/pan/queer/poly all of the above)

PROS

obvious: NV is outwardly reserved and focused most of the time; brow furrowed, slight resting grump face. but they're also terrible at hiding what they're feeling and it's easy to break this focus. if they like you, they'll react strongly to you--usually with snark, bold suggestions, or by getting flustered.

dependable sucker: prefers to serve others before self, and once making a choice follows through with it (even if they know they'll regret it or have been deceived).

observant: pays attention to every detail of everything they can, will randomly give you the most thoughtful gift or something you mentioned needing/wanting but forgot about.

enduring: can tolerate a lot--physically, mentally, emotionally, even without certainty of reward at the end.

switch: their dynamic depends on the person, but generally are top-leaning. they are just as eager to struggle for dominance as they are to be put in their place.

work hard, play hard mentality: they overwork to justify seeking pleasure and good times, believing strongly in indulgent treats and blowing off steam--and most importantly, treating others.

1TB SDD memory: their sense of humanity is extremely dependent upon their connections with others above all else, whether close/personal, casual/transactional, or human/AI. they will not forget you.

cybernetically enhanced: stronger than average, but they're made of mostly doll parts, so you know. pleasure enhancements are included >:3

CONS

thrill seeker: they constantly want to test the limits of their cybernetic body in ridiculous ways--whether with new, dangerous drugs, by jumping off buildings in corpo plaza, or watching hacked BDs. their cybernetics aren't even particularly strong; they deliberately choose cheap/basic models and are more than willing to blow money on repairs/replacement parts.

rat: refuses to buy food unless it's for others. they'll openly steal food off tables as they pass by random people dining on the street to get the very limited caloric intake they need. if that fails, they'll even eat something off the ground if it doesn't look too gross.

deeply unwell: it's not just the creepy look of the kiroshis; years of cybernetic replacements have eroded NV's sense of humanity. while there's no risk of a full blown cyberpsychotic breakdown, a sort of gnawing omnipresent craving for violence lives inside them, something they consistently indulge in on a small scale via work when the opportunity presents itself. though it's not enough to motivate their decisions, they do enjoy the excuse.

the fool: their sense of identity is largely defined by choice and the guilt that follows. nudging them into misguided choices is not particularly difficult.

indifferent reaper: they are acutely aware of the nature of merc work, how often they're required to pass judgement on behalf of others whom they may not agree with, as well as how often they are given the unique opportunity to pass life-or-death judgement themselves. but even when executing something they feel is right, they don't really believe in greater moral justice, only luck and bad luck.

feral: the relic and johnny's influence prevent further decay of their humanity but also exacerbate a tendency to overindulge in all their vices. they WILL get themselves into trouble.

narrow viewpoint: particularly focused on individual survival, they don't often examine the larger picture (of corps, society, long-term manipulation, etc.)

EXTRAS

former nomad who loves cars and driving around. they are either the best driver (on the clock) or the scariest (off the clock the thrill seeking mentality kicks in, no thoughts head empty, my insurance will cover this, etc.)

utility netrunner: very skilled but only uses it for doing spooky shit, never direct attacks.

throwing knife user. likes to pounce on their prey and abuse finishers.

also a failed arasaka corpo who loves bullying other corpos but is absolutely embarassed about being a failed corpo. it is not hard to see why they were bad at it.

smoker.

eager to follow a leader but generally suspicious of organized groups that recruit. indiscriminately hazes every ganger in night city, will beat their asses for fun and then sell their guns back to them

more propaganda under the cut (warning for slight spice 🌶)

[ovobawrites]

𝐵𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽: 𝐸𝓅𝒾𝓈𝑜𝒹𝑒 𝒯𝒽𝓇𝑒𝑒 ♡ 𝐹𝒷𝑜𝓎𝓈 𝒜𝓃𝑜𝓃𝓎𝓂𝑜𝓊𝓈

disclaimer: this has already been posted on ao3 and quotev, i'm just reposting this beach episode special as a promo for the fic. after this is all my previous author notes.

this is a fem!reader and also a half chinese!reader insert.

previous ♡ next

You hung limply over Jade's shoulder as he brought you over to the table. He set you down gently and handed you a plate with a polite smile, before quickly snapping up the food he wanted. Thankfully, Jade was quick enough for you to be able to grab a sandwich you actually wanted to eat. There's no way in the cold, wet hells[1] that you'd eat any large meal before swimming. Stomachaches were already a common occurrence for you due to the curse of menstruation, why go through even more unnecessary pain? 

Sadly, the boys had a completely different philosophy. Ruggie had piled a plate sky-high with varying meats and seafood, all while fiercely guarding a gourmet steak for Leona. Floyd and Jade, with you stuck between them, had also taken a large amount of food. At least they were planning on eating vegetables. Meanwhile, Riddle, Azul, Vil and Rook seemed to have prepared meals with the 'perfect' caloric intake.

And even then, they're eating so much! Though I guess the minimum calories are higher for guys? And they are younger...[2]

Leona slowly stalked over to the table, hair a mess from his nap and snatched his plate from Ruggie, sitting next to the hyena. Idia eventually got up from the pancake he made on the ground, mostly by Ortho's prompting. A plate stacked with healthy foods was handed to him by his brother and he was forced in a seat next to Silver. The Diasomnia first year had a plate with similarly healthy foods, though Idia had a smaller portion in comparison... It didn't help that every so often, Lilia would add a vegetable or cut of meat to Silver's plate. 

Malleus ate silently at the head of the table with a contemplative frown, Lilia smirking and whispering in his ear while Silver just ate in silence. Trey smiled sheepishly in conversation with Cater and Riddle, the three of them seemingly somewhat pleased with their meals. Kalim and Jamil ate next to each other, food already tested for poison and picked out to be a perfect lunch.

"Koi fish~" Floyd started, leaning over your shoulder. "is that seriously all you're gonna eat?"

"Ah- well..." You trailed off. "I'm not exactly a 'growing girl' so to speak."

"Still," Jade chimed in, mirroring Floyd. "that isn't a lot of food. Are you sure you don't need to eat anymore?"

Are they... planning something? It's not my fault you boys all eat like beasts!

Trey silently spooned some pasta onto Riddle's plate. Suddenly, everyone at the table seemed extremely invested in your private conversation. 

You sighed. "Yes, I'm sure."

Who are they? My mom? Please. She'd never be so smothering.

"You're already skin and bones." Leona chimed in, "A herbivore like you definitely needs to eat more. Else you'll end up like Riddle."

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" The redhead snapped at Leona, face matching the colour of his hair. "Though you definitely should eat more, it doesn't seem like enough food for the day." He looked over at you, now cool as a cucumber. 

"I agree, I don't think a sandwich is enough for a day in the sun." Trey frowned in concern, Cater nodding emphatically next to him.

"Yeah! How are we supposed to post cute beach pics if you're fainting from a lack of food!"

Can the peanut gallery PLEASE stop offering their opinions?

You took a small bite out of your sandwich, resisting the urge to roll your eyes. A posture of steel, not a crumb falling nor a hair out of place. The essence of perfection you were taught to be. Too bad the boys were too busy worrying over your lunch to properly appreciate it. 

"Are you really fine with only eating that much?" Kalim tilted his head in concern. "Shouldn't she eat more, Jamil?"

"Eh?" His vice dormleader looked over, pretending to be unaware of the conversation. "...Yes, she should be eating more."

Lilia nodded his head with a frown and a shrug. "She definitely should, humans are sooo fragile~"

Vil and Rook looked over at what you were eating, looks of disapproval obvious.

"Don't tell me you've bought into diet culture," Vil lectured, "it's been proven to be a scam that hardly works and even then-"

"Diet culture is a scam?!" Azul looked shell shocked. 

"Obviously? Pressuring people into restricting what they eat so much and guilting them for even barely straying from an un-nutritious and unfulfilling diet is a binge-eating disaster waiting to happen!" 

"...You guys are binge-eating?" Ruggie looked over, half a chicken wing in his mouth, curious.

Floyd poked your cheek, then attempted to place more food on your plate. A serving of calamari clashed against a spearing of mushrooms. Twins glared and started to war a silent fight while you polished off your lunch. There was no way you were gonna deal with this in-fighting when you could just find Crewel and go swimming. You put your plate in the sink and cleaned it up. 

Quiet as a mouse, you left the room, boys none the wiser. Grabbing your bag off of the couch, you bid Crewel adieu and went out to the beach. Shimmering waves against the gleaming, blinding white sand enamored you as you placed your bag and towel in the shade.

A warding talisman and the removal of your sundress left you free to explore the shore to your heart's content. Wandering around, you gathered bone-bleached shells and smoothed down shards of colourful sea glass. By the time you reached rocky cliff, you had left a trail of footprints and a floating pile of your treasures following you. You smiled and took in the relaxing atmosphere.

A crash and the loud slam of the door. 

A swarm of boys rushing down the hill towards the sandy beach. 

"(Y/NNNNN)!!!" Floyd called out, arms waving around wildly, giant grin on his face.

Ruggie and Leona waved from where Ruggie was setting up a throne room for the king of naps. Malleus and Lilia curiously observing while being blasted with horrific UV rays. Rook had already helped Vil set up a UV-proof zone and the two were slathering on reef-safe suncream, glancing at-

Did Idia just eat sand and die?

You smiled ruefully, your boys were so stupid. And there goes Idia rolling over! Knocking over Riddle, Trey, Cater and-

Like dominoes, Idia's fall started a chain reaction ending in a dog-pile of half-naked, sweaty, flushed men. Disgusting. 

You glided over gracefully, faked concern appearing on your face like a well-worn mask.

"Are you guys okay?" You asked, leaning over, hands on your knees. 

For whatever reason, the boys just went even more red. You think Riddle let out a muffled shriek. The momentary confusion was replaced by disappointment.

They were looking at your cleavage. The pigs.

Yeah. There's no way you were going to go near them. You acted confused, tilting your head before walking past in a decisive moment towards Vil and Rook. 

How do I bleach a memory from my brain?!

No matter. You sat in the UV-safe zone with Rook and Vil. The hunter offered you a bottle of water. 

"Ah- no, thank you." With a snap of your fingers, your bag appeared next to you. "I brought my own."

A sip of water and then you gathered up the things you collected from beach-combing. 

"Was that what you were doing while we had that..." Vil paused. "discussion?"

You beamed. "Yep!" That reminds you... "I founded a shell that was like you!" You told Vil with a blinding smile, rummaging through the piles for it.

You pulled out a large conch shell, spiky with streaks of purple. A shy look in your eyes and you offered it to him.

"If I remember correctly... conches follow the golden ratio, right? And well... you're the most perfect person I know, so..."

Vil sniffed and took the shell from your hands like a merciful god. "I suppose it's... nice."

"Vil, mon cher Roi du Poison, I can always take it from your hands if you do not want it!" Rook stated with a wink and a grin. "I always delight in a gift from our Reine des Cygnes[3]!"

Rook reached his hand out only to have it slapped away, Vil tucking the conch protectively into his arms.

"No, it's mine. She gave it to me, so hands off!"

You fretted over the slight fight, feeling the sparks flying between the two. Vil with a stone cold expression and Rook with his ever-present smile. 

"Oh- uhm, I also brought something for you, Rook!"

It wasn't a lie, you did find a piece of glass that reminded you of your classmate, but...

"You did?!" Rook took your hands in his, stars in his eyes. "I shall cherish this for every year that goes by, ma chouette!"

...You just knew Rook was gonna get weird about it. Too late to save yourself now. 

"Ah- here." You tugged your hands out of Rook's grasp and handed him an arrow-shaped shard of indigo sea glass. It sparkled against the sun, uncannily reminiscent of the shine in Rook's eyes.

"Thank you so much ma chère!" He quickly took it, handling it with the reverence of a man with an idol of his god.

"It was no problem at all..." You flushed slightly at the praise.

"No, you took the time to search for these and then give them to us." Vil gazed at you with ardent warmth. "Thank you for taking the time to find these."

You suddenly wished for a fan, hands covering your face while it rapidly heated up. You couldn't handle this! Both Vil and Rook in their purple swimwear, decorative open shirts framing their bodies with such elegance... it was too much! 

A chuckle. Vil covered his laugh up with a hand over his mouth. Rook simply stayed smiling with a knowing look in his eyes. The Pomefiore Housewarden leaned in closer to you, hands brushing, as he opened his mouth to whisper something but-

"Ey, (Y/N), come here!" Leona beckoned you over and with a frown and a curious glance, you followed. 

Vil looked awfully put out, but Rook seemed to be even more pleased by this outcome, taking out a pair of sun-proofed binoculars from who knows where. 

You walked over to the two Savanaclaw members, Leona now lazing on a towel-bed while Ruggie set up portable fans to cool the lion down. 

"Heard you were giving out gifts." Leona said with a twitch of his ears. "Where's mine?"

You fumbled for a second in slight shock, but with a quick recovery, gave him one half of an oyster shell, coated in mother of pearl. 

He raised an eyebrow. "Where's the other half?"

"It's for Ruggie!" You smiled. "Who else?"

The hyena, with a bashful turn of his head, took the other half from your hands. "Wait- I can probably make a lot of money with this... Thank you!"

"Isn't it rude to sell a gift?"

"I gave it to him since I knew he probably would sell it!" You snapped back in reply. 

"I don't get either of you." And with a huff, Leona lied down and took another nap. 

"...Is he already asleep?" You asked Ruggie, head leaning against your hand as you watched him finish up the nap-fort. 

The hyena glanced at Leona. "Probably, yeah."

"He's really good at this..." You sighed. "Now if only he'd apply this effort to his studies..."

A bark of laughter. 

"Like he'd ever! Leona isn't Leona if he spends all his time studying!"

A fond grin and a burst of yellow roses in your heart. "Yeah... you're right."

After a while of chatting with Ruggie and a quick re-application of suncream, you went over to the waves. Floyd and Jade waved at you from where they were (most likely) torturing poor Riddle, who was fuming once again. Trey and Cater tried their best to calm him but it was a lost cause. Meanwhile, Idia was carefully watching Ortho's movements in the water, taking notes on a floating tablet. Kalim was splashing around while Jamil stayed on guard by the shore, resolutely ignoring Azul trying to talk to him. 

"Koi fish! You gonna swim?" Floyd asked with a bright grin, cheeks flushing.

"Why else would I be by the waves?" You teased. 

Riddle went bright red at your entrance, eyes darting to your chest and then to your face before he quickly whipped his head away from you. If he wasn't so endearing you'd have punted him into the sun already. 

"Oh, (Y/N)!" Kalim waved you over. "Wanna play a game with us?"

"Sure!" You beamed. "What is it?"

Jade held a hand to his chest, a smirk on his face. "We're playing 'save the princess'. Would you like to play the part? The heroes have to rescue you from us, if they get to that tree with you, they win."

At some point I am going to murder these men. Is he seriously asking me to play the damsel in distress?

You looked at both Floyd and Jade, the two, in their true forms, were practically vibrating with excitement. You guessed they would be your captors... and even then you doubt that they'd let you go. 

A sigh. "I guess..."

Floyd smiled wide and grabbed you by the waist in a second. Clawed hands almost fondling your sides. 

"I've got Koi fishie~ let's swim away, Jade!" He laughed in childish glee as he quickly darted off.

"Wait, we're starting now?" Kalim called out. "Oh, then, Jamil! Help me catch those dastardly villains!"

A tilt to his head and a proud smile on his face, Kalim fell into his role as the knight-prince, your supposed saviour.

"If sea snake's joining then I want Azul!" Floyd pouted as Jade simply smiled. "Azul! Join us!"

Their Housewarden sighed, getting up from his place in the sand along with Jamil as they entered the water. For whatever reason, Azul stayed in his two-legged form, yet he still could quickly swim over. 

"If we are to win," Jade said, "we should make sure to split up. Toss (Y/N) over to the person who is unswarmed by these heroes."

"But I want to spend time with (Y/N)!" Floyd frowned, hands twitching around your waist while you let him carry you, limp. 

And I wanted to play a fun game of tag, but I guess we don't always get what we want!

"I agree with Jade." Azul pushed his glasses up. "We should make sure to keep (Y/N) away from these heroes."

Your captors had migrated over to the deeper waters in the ocean, powerful tails (and legs) allowing them to tread the water with ease. You shifted in Floyd's grasp, turning chest-to-chest, to peer over at your supposed heroes. The merman chirped with glee and held you even tighter to him in a pseudo-hug while he continued to discuss tactics with his dormmates. 

Surprisingly, Riddle, Cater and Trey were participating in this game as well. By the looks of things, it seems they had managed to recruit Ortho too. The 'knights' were similarly congregating, thinking up a game plan. While their numbers trumped your captors, you're sure that they are the ones with the advantage. 

Seriously, why are the teams like this. There's no way Kalim's team is winning against this sea-beasts.

In a flash, Azul, Jade and Floyd swam off in different directions. Floyd's powerful tail pushed the both of you through the water at a near-alarming speed, making you laugh in an adrenaline-fueled manner. You looked over Floyd's shoulder to see most of the hero team swimming towards you both at a much slower rate. Floyd soon stopped and started to float in the water, guarding you in his arms like a precious treasure.

"You'll never take Koi fishie from me!" He growled out, baring his teeth with a laugh.

"Are you sure about that?" Riddle smirked. "You're surrounded."

In a flash, Riddle, Trey, Cater and Kalim had encircled Floyd, slowly drawing closer with no escape. It's too bad that your 'captors' had planned for this. Floyd smiled even wider, lifting you up by the hips, and called out to Jade. With strong arms, he tossed you over to his brother, who caught you gently with steel cable-like arms. As you flew through the air, you couldn't help but laugh at the 'heroes' shocked faces. 

"It seems you're stuck with me now." Jade smiled, quickly swimming off with Jamil and Ortho giving chase. 

The merman was holding you in a bridal-style carry, whipping his tail through the water, dodging Ortho and Jamil's tries to grab and save you.

You waved lazily at them. "Oh no. I've been caught. Dear heroes, please save me." You spoke, completely deadpan. 

You could hear Jade's chest vibrate from a chuckle as he continued to race through the water. A glance towards his back showed Azul setting up for a catch while Floyd taunted poor Riddle. Trey and Cater were quickly swimming over to help Jamil and Ortho, who were quickly catching up.

So they're handicapping themselves for this. Probably 'cause it wouldn't be as fun.

"Don't worry (Y/N), I'll save you!" Ortho called out, his motors whirring as he started to speed up, nearly brushing your hand as Jade quickly dodged.

"It's not polite to lie, Ortho." Jade called out as you braced yourself for another toss. "There's simply no way for you to win."

In a quick, smooth motion, you flew through the air once more to be caught by Azul. You laughed and ruffled his hair in joy, undeniably pleased from all this throwing. For whatever reason, being tossed through the air filled you with pinks and yellows of a childish happiness, making you giggle, adrenaline-drunk, with glee.

"Please don't mess up my hair." Azul sighed, resigned. He shifted you around in his arms for a better ease of movement as Riddle drew in near with a dangerous glare.

The position he landed on was you, held by the waist in one arm as you were slung over his shoulder. He then took off, not as fast as Jade or Floyd, but still faster than your supposed future saviours. Soon enough, he let them catch up, then threw you through the air to Floyd. 

And so the cycle continued, you happily being thrown in the air while the hero team eventually slowed down, exhausted. Not ones' to lose, they congregated into a circle on the shore to discuss plans, while you stayed fixed in Floyd's arms. Jade and Azul soon joining you as you all watched the hero team plan. 

"I wonder how they'll approach us this time." Jade simpered with an everpresent smile.

Azul scoffed. "This is such a stupid game. How on earth are they going to win?"

Unfortunately for them, Azul just jinxed the 'villain' team. Malleus, Lilia and Silver, returning from a beach combing exploration, went over to the hero team. Kalim waved his hands around and suddenly, it seemed that the Diasomnia boys joined the hero team. Their discussion continued with even more fervor, a dark shadow appearing over their group as they started to scheme.

"Wow. You really just screwed yourself over, Azul." You deadpanned, unbothered by any of this. 

Floyd hugged you closer to him in glee. "Now it's gonna be super fun! Too bad none of them will steal you from me..."

A dark chuckle. "No. They won't win against us, right Azul?"

His glasses flashed. "I think it's time to think of a different plan."

You laughed as Floyd darted through the waves, waving at Malleus, Silver and Lilia who were closing in on you. Sadly for them, Floyd picked up even more speed. Beads of water flew through the air as the waves splashed into the Diasomnia group. Meanwhile, Jade tried to shake off a persistent group of Heartslabyul boys, Azul facing the same problem with Kalim and Jamil. 

"Return (Y/N) to us, mortal, and your punishment will be lessened." Malleus glared, picking up speed.

"There's no way for you to win, Floyd, so just give up." Lilia added with a chuckle. 

Silver stayed silent, a dark look on his face as he swam even faster, nearly managing to grab you off of Floyd. Floyd laughed in amusement and quickly changed directions. Jade and Azul started swimming towards the center of the ocean alongside you and Floyd. Though you were, of course, a limp spectator in this competition. Still, it was fun to move so quickly through the water, you giggled as Floyd started to go even faster.

The three of them met in the middle, the others not far behind. Azul scowled as Jade grabbed you from Floyd, manhandling you into his arms.

"Ready?" Azul asked, "They're closing in."

True to his statement, the group of 'heroes' were quickly getting closer. Riddle looked triumphant, while Trey and Cater's eyes shone with determination to 'save' you.

I guess it's time for my plan to come into action, too. 

There was no way you were playing damsel in distress. No matter how fun it was to go fast and be thrown around, this objectification was too much to bear. Thank god for Idia, who had seen your rapid signing and silently gathered Ruggie and Rook to the shore. You smiled to yourself. This rescue plan was going to work.

"Hand (Y/N) over, criminals! We're here to save her, there's no escape!" Malleus boomed with a smirk. 

"Isn't there?" Jade smiled in reply, "It seems you weren't paying enough attention."

In that quick amount of time, Azul and Floyd had tied up their legs in the seaweed from the ocean floor. They struggled, shocked. 

And now it was your time to shine. 

"Yeah. There's no need for you heroes!" You smiled, a steely look in your eyes. "I can save myself just fine, thanks."

In one quick motion, you grabbed Jade's arms, throwing him over your shoulder by using his body weight. The eel barreled into Floyd and Azul, knocking them out. Whip-quick, you swam off, darting through the waves with a laugh as you approached the shore. 

A look over your shoulder, the boys were catching up. Floyd, Jade and Azul were closest, but the others were pulling on them to slow them down. It soon turned into an all-out war as they fought to get near to you, either to 'save' or 'capture' you. Too bad.

With a smile and a wave, you ran onto the shore. Idia and Ruggie grinned and guarded you as you approached the win-point. You hit the tree with your hand and beamed. 

"I win!" You said in a sing-song tone. 

The boys were stunned.

Trey laughed first. "Yeah, you did! Well done."

The others joined in, heaping you with praise as your heart fluttered in joy. Butterflies in your stomach as you all started to chat about your plan and your win. Ruggie ruffled your hair while Idia gave you a smile in support. 

It was a fun day.

[1] Chinese hell is cold, dark and damp. Basically the opposite to traditional perception of Christian hell. And there are multiple hells! Lovely ^^ [2] Generally, Chinese eating tendencies is that the best and most food goes to children, then the elderly, then the adults. Portion sizes also tend to be quite small for adults/teens, at least compared to US portion sizes. MC is exaggerating when calling the boys younger tho... it's the innate mom instinct lmao [3] Queen of Swans... get it.... cuz MC's so graceful but can also be very fierce? Also cuz swans = romance and Rook is definitely noticing the reverse harem shenangians

Just a fun fact, kids/babies get so happy from being thrown because it helps strengthen their bodies against gravity. It also strengthens a kid's sense of balance and motion. I wonder why MC likes it now uwu

and here is the third part of the beach ep. if you'd like to read the rest of the fic, you can read it on ao3 here, and on quotev here.

[pita-cu-jem]

My best drawing ig

"The right way"

Kind of old tho AND I F**KING WROTE WHEY INSTEAD OF WAY IN IT'S NAME(on Twitter) 💀💀💀 Bad English problems

He eats the planet for his daily caloric intake 😭😭

[she-is-ovarit]

You need to consume unsaturated fats or you'll feel slow, fatigued, and never want to do anything.

You have to learn the healthy fats and eat the healthy fats if you're committed to being vegetarian or vegan. Or you will be tired forever, and not the type of tired where you can push through it, but the type of tired where you feel like you have to stay in bed all day and your heart feels like it's being sucked through a straw.

Fatty acids are what lipids in our bodies are made mostly up of. Fatty acids are responsible for energy storage, brain development, blood clotting, and controlling inflammation. They are necessary for your body to be able to absorb vitamins such as vitamin A, D, E, and K. They are necessary for your body to produce sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen. Not having enough of these fats can cause muscle pain, night blindness, infertility, easy bruising, dry hair, hair loss, loose teeth, depression and anxiety, and dermatitis (presenting as dry and scaly rashes).

You need unsaturated fats such as monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats. These are good fats. Saturated fats and trans fats are bad, these are what raise your risk of heart attacks and strokes. Diets high in saturated fats might also lead to chronic pain.

35% of your caloric intake should be fats. This can be added to the list on why the diet industry is so cruel. Manufacturers and organizations paired with the pornography and cosmetic industry pushing dieting and beauty norms on women and girls for decades impressed the seriously dangerous and false idea that consuming fats was bad. Denying healthy fats means denying healthy brain development, energy and motivation, better ability to heal from injuries, and preventing depression and anxiety.

Balsamic and olive oil together (and you can add some minced garlic if you like) tastes fantastic with warm bread and can be made in 12 minutes.

Cooking with the oils above instead of butter can also introduce fatty acids in your diet (might not be enough though, you need 1-2 tablespoons a day).

Sometimes if I'm in a hurry I just eat a plain avocado a day.

You can sprinkle chia seeds on yogurt. Add flax seed to smoothies.

Just eat 1/4th of pumpkin seeds too (which are also super high in magnesium). That's basically a handful a day, make it part of your morning routine.

Almonds, walnuts, and pecans are also high in good fats.

[colibrie]

Reflections, part I

Art (and some writing!) courtesy of @trilobitepunch

Found sumthin…”

Donnie jumped, biting down on the urge to hiss as the sound of Raphie’s voice, soft as it tried to be, raked a knife sharply across his nerves. His insides writhed with the need to scream, or bite, or tuck himself into a dark corner and rock until the world disappeared. But he couldn’t do that. The master’s had always disapproved when he did. They had scolded him to “center himself”, to “release the feelings to the Force”. And he had tried too. So, so many times, he had tried to do as they said to control his body and mind. It had never worked. Only his family had… But the masters were gone, and so were most of his family. There was only one left. Only Raph. Raphael and Donatello against a cold world that did not care about them, and so Donnie had to find that stupid center and pull. Himself. Together.

He bit down hard on his lip, the pain helpfully grounding as he squashed those writhing, icky needs down and locked them away, smoothing his face into practiced neutrality before turning to look at his big brother. Raphael stood a few feet away, nervously shifting from foot to foot. His head was wrapped in makeshift bandages torn from the relatively cleaner portion of his inner robe, partially covering a patch of rust red crusted over the left side of his face. Small flakes broke away as his beak pulled back into a tentative smile, fluttering down to join the detritus of the alleyway as his hands triumphantly presenting their prize for Donatello’s inspection.

It was, in short, not much. Two slightly smushed ration bars in torn wrappers and a hunk of visibly stale bread. Not the most filling spread, or the most nourishing. But neither of them could afford to turn down the calories.

“Well done, Raphie,” Donnie nodded, something in his heart loosening when Rahael beamed at him. “You should take your portion first.”

“Nuh-uh! You go first Donnie!” Raph denied, puffing out his cheeks when Donnie shook his head.

“No Raphie, you require a greater level of caloric intake.”

“Raph doesn’t know about calor-a-whatitz, but you said I was your big brother, yeah? That means it’s my responsibility to take care’a you.”

“I am not that hungry,” Donnie protested, his tummy twisting uncomfortably as he stared at the food in Raph’s palms.

“That’s wha you said earlier, but I also know you haven’t eaten in a while. You gotta eat if yah wanna get big an strong Dee.”

“I…”

“Just try. Please?”

“…Sigh. Very well.”

The way Raph’s face lit up with pride and relief gave him the strength to reach out and take one of the ration bars. He broke off half, then grudgingly took a little bit more when the chasm between Raph’s eyes grew. The texture, like pavement gravel, dried sand, and fake fruit, made him want to puke, but he forced his reflexes back enough to swallow. Neither of them could afford to waste food.

“Come on, lets sit fer a few minutes, yeah?” Raph said, one hand landing on the back of Donatello’s shell to steer him closer to the ally wall.

“We shouldn’t stay in one place,” Donnie protested, even as his traitorous legs trembled beneath him, “the lower levels of Coruscant are dangerous.”

“An we’ll run faster if we take breaks when we can, right?”

“That is…unusually logical of you Raphala.”

“Really?”

Donatello’s heart sank at the hopeful look that Raph shot him as they curled up together behind a dumpster.

“Yes. You’ve always been a more, in your words, gut based turtle…I…take that to mean your memories have not returned?”

“Not beyond what you’ve told me,” Raph shrugged, looking down as he gnawed the bread. “I’m Raphael, your big brother. We’re Jedi, or we were? Somethin happened in the temple, an we had to run away. Then the tunnel collapsed when the bad guys caught up to us. Did I forget anything?”

“No, that is the gist of events,” Don confirmed, forcing himself to eat another tiny piece of the ration bar. “I will admit, I was hoping to see more come back independently.”

Hope was perhaps an incorrect term for the unidentifiable mess of emotions that churned inside him, but Donnie didn’t have the energy or inclination to try to pull those impossible threads apart. Not without…

“Well, maybe you could tell me more?”

More… a dangerous concept.

“What specifically would you like to know?”

“I dunno. What the temple was like? Did we have any other family there?”

“The temple?”

His face pinched slightly. He couldn't really fault his brother for wanting to know what he couldn't recall, knowing full well he'd want to extract every detail he could regain if he were in the same position. Then again, maybe he wouldn’t if it meant… It was a horrifying thought he quickly backed away from, ducking his head and drawing in a breath as he prepared his response, reluctantly letting his thoughts dip back into simpler, more pleasant times.

Vaulted halls supported by towering pillars and dappled with sunlight. The lush humidity within the Room of a Thousand Fountains, the blissful hush of the Archives. The soft, colorful walls of the creche, covered in drawings made by little hands. Food smudged on tiny fingers, colorful patterns swirling over a tiny shell…

“DeeDee! DeeDee I dwew this fo you!”

“It bwoke DeeDee, can you fix it?”

“I luve you DeeDee!”   

"The temple.... was the only home we knew. It was huge, and somehow both busy and quiet. People were always coming and going, especially after the war started. Jedi come from all over the galaxy, so we lived in the creche with others, and we had lessons in all matter of subjects. As for family…”

“Dee! Pst, Dee! Bet I can block more than you!”

“It’s gonna okay DonDon, don’t listen to them. Do you want to squeeze my hand?”

“That’s never gonna happen to us, Donatello. It’s going to be you and me, always. I promise.”

"...the Order was more or less family, but the Jedi didn’t encourage bonds and connections between its members," he finished, pretending to nibble at his ration bar to hide as he swallowed hard around the knot in his throat.

It was hard to keep that mask on with the pain of everything lost still so fresh. When that messy cyclone of emotions twisted and knotted even tighter inside of him. As his thoughts circled continuously around those last moments in the sewer tunnel, and those lost beneath the cave in. Master Yoshi, Michelangelo, Leo...

 He didn't even try to swallow another bite of his rations as something hot and sour and wrong flooded his throat, coating his tongue and teeth in bitterness. His stomach roiled, every little ache seemingly magnified as the emotions in his chest screamed their names over and over and over and-

“Well, at least we still got each other, right?”

Raphaels words pulled him from the maelstrom, gave him the strength to look up as one big arm wrapped around his shoulders. He stared as Raph smiled, the same smile overflowing with the warmth and reassurance only his eldest brother could provide. An eldest brother free from the enormity of all they had lost.

“…Yes,” He replied, bowing his head as he carefully tucked those names, and the memories they brought with them, away within his own memory.

“It’s for the best,” his mind whispered. “He doesn’t need to feel this. He doesn’t need to miss them. I can bear it for the both of us.”

“Come on then, lil bro,” Raph’s arm gently guided him back to his feet, taking the remains of his ration bar to tuck away for later. “Let’s try to look for a good place to sleep.”

……..

"What have we here?"