#but being a really really terrible one is pretty high on the list too

[lavendernhoney]

What’s your favorite “extremely angsty 16 year old boy” thing that Zuko did?

My favorites are scream at god to just strike him with lighting already, and “WHAT ARE YOU OLD GASBAGS TALKING ABOUT?”

[dreamsy990]

Out of the characters you know which one of them do you think their situation is the most fucked up

ohhh this one is hard hm. i think roxas specifically in kh2 is a good candidate though. it has to be the kh2 stuff though because thats where like 80% of his existential dread is.

[steviewashere]

Steve and Eddie being teenage boys (even in their twenties, even though they technically are no longer teenagers), a list that I've been making in my head (some of them are stupid and some of them are sweet, but this is a long list, be warned):

Steve teaching Eddie how to burp the alphabet after drinking soda. He's phenomenal at it. Like...almost disgustingly so. It ends up turning into a one up competition pretty fast after that.

Eddie who knows how to drag race and takes Steve on ridiculously fast drives down empty streets at night (when Steve's had a terrible night). He steps on the gas and goes: "Weeee!!!" as they speed. (Please don't speed. It is dangerous. But for the sake of entertaining their pea brains, this is what they do.)

Eddie and Steve who have been participating in a several month long tagging game. They slap each other on the back of shoulders as hard as they possibly can before skittering off like a little goblin.

Steve and Eddie think it's soooo fucking funny to blow up condoms like balloons when they're stoned.

Steve and Eddie who get stoned and they go shop for munchies at the local grocery store, both hysterically giggling at figuring out how to be "normal" people in public. (They are failing miserably.)

Steve who makes Eddie play basketball with him sometimes. And then he purposefully tosses the ball at Eddie rather than the basket. It devolves into wresting in the grass, heads in elbows, knuckles across scalps, kicking each other in the shins.

One time, Steve falls asleep at Eddie's on the couch. And instead of being all sweet and doting, Eddie finds a marker and draws a penis on Steve's face. He gets water poured on his head the next time he falls asleep at Steve's as payback.

Steve and Eddie comforting each other through nightmares and hardships and healing injuries, both in sort of constipated, mumbled ways. Pats to the back and leaning in close to each other, resting heads on shoulders. Passing cigarettes or beers back and forth just to pass the time, not really talking. Exchanging words afterwards like, "You're a great friend," and "You're the best person I know." Because they both need that and recognize that, even outside of the petty, childish things they do to each other.

Eddie, who understands that the pool at Steve's is a sore spot, instead of prodding them to get in, he plans out a whole water balloon fight to stave off the summer heat.

Steve, who knows that music has been a source of calm for Eddie over the years, makes sure there's always a cassette that Eddie can play in case it gets too quiet.

Eddie and Steve who shit talk each other in the arcade, beating each other's high scores if only to rile the other one up.

Steve who always checks Eddie's ID before he goes into the adult only room in Family Video. Despite knowing that Eddie is definitely over the age of eighteen. Sometimes he denies Eddie entry in front of Keith just to make him pout. (He thinks it's cute.)

Eddie and Steve watching porn together, criticizing the moans the entire time because they know for sure it's fake. And on the same note of moans, Eddie who gets a call from Wayne and Steve fake moans in the background the entire time. Steve gets a call from his parents and Eddie shouts really loud in the background for Steve to pass the joint back. They just glare at each other before getting in another tag fight throughout wherever they're at.

Eddie who goes into Family Video after Steve strikes out again. Who just walks up to the counter and starts acting like one of those girls, twirling his hair and pouting his lips and blinking his eyes, making his voice high pitched. (It gets Steve to giggle instead of pout, so Eddie calls it a win.)

Eddie guzzling an entire can of Coke and then spraying it out of his nose when Steve makes him laugh too hard. Steve's never made anybody laugh that hard.

Steve and Eddie who claim it's not gay to make their boners kiss. I mean...what? Who said that?

Steve and Eddie who play-punch a little too hard when playing punch buggy on vacation.

Speaking of vacation, Steve and Eddie going to a beach over the summer. They chase each other up and down the sand. They roll off of the sand hills. Eddie buries Steve in the sand and applies sunscreen to his face as he just accepts his fate. Steve helps Eddie make a sandcastle, a secret talent of his being how structurally sound he can build one.

Steve and Eddie playing with Legos while talking shit about Family Video customers. They toss Sour Patch Kids into each other's mouths as they talk. Sometimes hitting each other in the face purposefully.

Steve and Eddie who get drunk one night and go catch a wild possum. Robin screams at them to put it back because, "No, you dinguses, that is not a cat!"

Eddie and Steve taking care of each other on bad pain days. Trying to entertain the other with stupid jokes or shitty movies or gossip.

Eddie sharing his uncle with Steve when he finds out that Mr. and Mrs. Harrington are terrible motherfuckers. Who makes sure Steve is comfortable in his home around Wayne.

Steve conspiring with Wayne to make sure that Eddie always has the best birthday parties. Because the one thing he really held onto from his King Steve years was how to throw a small get together, and how, especially, to make it extremely awesome and memorable.

Steve who gets Eddie new albums he's been eyeing for his birthday. Ones Eddie knows he'd never be able to afford on his own, always a little sullen when he looks at the price. Steve who still has access to his dad's credit card and will max it out just for Eddie to get his fill.

Eddie makes homemade things for Steve's birthday. Cards and trinkets and drawings—things Steve's old high school buddies never considered as gifts, even though they have the most impact on Steve, even though they matter the most.

Steve and Eddie who love each other, insurmountably. Despite sometimes being major buttheads to each other.

[dr9com9ge-ix]

The 2nd bunch of sprunki designs c: More headcanons under the cut-

Also I may just tag this an an AU at this point (Also to maybe not step on any toes >-<; -) because man… Love coming up with the weird ass setting these guys are in which will probably be explained when I get to Mr. Sun’s design. But the short of it is they all live in an isolated little suburban town with a pretty small population (everyone knows each other to some extent.) and that there are other populations of Sprunkis and stuff such as large cities and rural villages.

OWAKCX

29 He/Him

- Was an accountant traveling to another city.

- Fell off a cliff near the town and sustained head and spinal injuries whilst on the phone. Vineria found him and took him into the town’s clinic to keep him from dying.

- Listed in the town’s documents as “OWAKCX” due to him unfortunately having difficulty speaking post-accident when asked what his name is. His speech has improved significantly since but has issues with volume control and a tic of making a loud startling sounds.

- His actual name is Ozwalt but accepted at this point that everyone calls him OWAKC. “Sure is a name” he says.

- Does not want to go back to the city he lives in due to how long he assumes he’s been gone. Most likely presumed dead.

- Clunkr and Garnold had made him his wheelchair. Said wheelchair can go very fast much to OWAKCX’s inital terror when first using it. Now he’s quite good at speeding across places (it took a bit.).

- Is a bit high strung and easily startled at times. Has bit someone in a panic before and apologized right after.

- Can get a bit snarky and sarcastic, joked about Raddy’s ability to hammer nails (Hits them too hard and they bend,) and got clocked in the head with the hammer he was using. He knows a bit better not to snark Raddy anymore.

- Lives with Vineria in her greenhouse/normal house, He helps her file her taxes and documents for free… Its repayment for literally saving his life. Everyone else has to pay him if they want him to do that for them, Mostly to keep his workload low and so nobody else asks.

- Chronically grits and grinds his teeth and shakes like a cold chihuahua even when under a blanket.

- Had an alt rock phase in high school that is slowly coming back…Not fashion wise but he is blasting it straight into his ears as he works.

Vineria

27 She/them

- Moved to the town because she wanted to have her own greenhouse to grow a variety of plants. Including weed

- Has gotten in trouble in her previous residence for seed bombing golf courses and smoking in her apartment.

- Very chill and laid back.

- Likes to climb trees and go on nature walks.

- Has tasted moss out of curiosity while watching over brud, has gone on record going “mhm not bad!” but tries to give him more normally edible plants.

- Naturally bald, used to just wear a beanie before her wigs.

- Found her first plant wig in the woods near town. Has been raising the same kinds of plants for her other plant wigs though the first one is her favorite and most worn.

- Helps out occasionally at the town clinic after she brought OWAKCX in, Mostly because she wanted to make sure she could check up on him while he recovered.

- Actually calls OWAKCX “Oz” instead as she knows his actual name.

- Has given plants and saplings to people as housewarming gifts.

brud

21 He/They

- Was once in foster care and a group home due to being abandoned, Had ran off when he had aged out of the system.

- Cannot feel pain, This had caused issues such as chewing his tongue to the point of it being a stub and scratching at himself without realizing he’s hurting himself. Has since been trying to be more careful and wears gloves and long sleeves over his hands to deter the picking and scratching.

- Can talk but not very clearly, Prefers to nod or shake his head or if really needed- To sign in sign language or write down what he wants to say. Also squeaks in excitement and whimpers when sad.

- Has terrible eyesight due to his eyes facing separate directions.

- Has a bucket over his sharp single horn to stop it from hurting other people and because he likes the bucket.

- Is a sort of permanent resident at the clinic due to his condition and tendency to get injured

- Hangs out with Simon the most out of the clinic staff. They’re besties.

- Likes earthy tastes which is why he eats moss sometimes.

- Gets mistaken for a child by newer residents.

- Loves to hug people and being hugged

Tunner

56 He/him

- The town’s sheriff who patrols around to help others, Likely gives new people tours. Did this as a hobby for a bit until he was officially given the role.

- Lives a bit farther in the outskirts, Likes his peace and quiet. This is also near Jevin and Sky’s caravan.

- Used to live in a desert town where he was a street performer who played the guitar and fended for himself until he could afford a gun and leave that place.

- Has an old horse named Cornbread who he rode into the town, she can be found grazing near his house.

- Very talkative, specifically loves telling stories about his adventures before he settled down though they tend to get long winded and embellished depending on whether or not he’s trying to make himself sound cooler/ Trying to impress someone. Jevin

- Has lost a tooth in a fight a long time ago and got a gold tooth to replace it. How he lost it in the fight changes every time he retells the story.

[kenobers]

Jason Todd Headcanons

just a few thoughts that help inform the way i write this doof. it's linked below as well, but check out jason's spotify wrapped if you have a minute! ;-)

Samsung User

Jason says he likes his coffee dark, but secretly orders flavored lattes (see that one Hozier photo)

Puts cinnamon in his coffee grounds

He may have good taste in books, but he's got shit taste in movies

Loves a few basic safe picks - Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, things you might expect from someone like him

But his "Watch Again" list is all cheesy action movies and wacky comedies. Mark Wahlberg appears a little too often.

Doesn’t watch a lot of television, but sometimes likes to fall asleep to Family Guy or South Park

Has one ear piercing he got on a dare, done by either one of his brothers or one of the Outlaws

Good gift giver, but only wraps things in newspaper

Really terrible about remembering to take his medication

To the point that Dick and Tim got him one of those every day of the week pill boxes as a joke - but it's actually been incredibly helpful

Is a regular at his neighborhood corner store

To the point where the guys at the counter don’t even card him anymore

He's the type of man to sleep till noon, 1:30 on Sundays

If he's sharing a bed, he will snuggle up to you in his sleep

Snores

Unfortunately uses 3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash

Has an high tolerance for weed, which annoys the hell out of him because he enjoys a joint but does not fuck with edibles

Every time he tries an edible, he stares at himself in the mirror for three hours and Does Not like it

Drunk Yapper

Beer Drinker

Doesn't always know his own strength

Not in the accidentally-break-someone's-arm type of way, but definitely in the sometimes-closes-the-door-too-hard-and-goes-"whoopsie daises!" type of way

Thankfully, he's become a pretty great handy man

Despite being a certified Car Guy, he did die at 15 and as a consequence is lowkey still how to drive a none military grade car (in other words, he's a shit driver) (but it's okay, he sticks to the motorcycle and public transportation)

He's not a hugger, but he is a leaner

Thrifts all of his clothes

Prefers to get his books from local indie/second-hand/new & used bookstores

But still has a Barnes & Nobles membership card

His bookshelf is not organized what-so-ever; it's started to operate as more of a gun rack while his books get stacked underneath his bed (he tells himself that this will make him get through his To Be Read list faster)

His top played song of last year was “Kiss Me Through The Phone” by Soulja Boy

His music taste can be divided into three primary playlists; East Coast Rap, Metal, Ear Worms

Is the family expert on the Gotham underground music scene

He isn’t big on social media at all, but he has a Twitter with like 15 followers he uses to keep an eye on whoever

(and also to keep up with music and book updates)

He’s occasionally very funny on it. But just occasionally.

Just Online enough to know who Trisha Paytas is, not Online enough to know who ClubChalamet is

He got his GED once he joined the family again

and yes, they threw him a little party to celebrate

Has the BatChat on silent, but still checks it regularly

Terrible texter; you’ll either hear back from him immediately or in three weeks time

“srry didn’t see this”

(he did see this, he just got anxiety about it)

Has a lot of anxiety about smalls things like that

Especially when it comes to the Bat Family

He’s not always sure where he stands with everyone - if they like him, trust him, want him there

Paranoid that they’re nosy because they secretly think he’s going to go rogue again

Has to constantly remind himself that they’re just nosy the same way that he’s nosy - because this is literally a family of detectives

[eggiesins]

Sandrock Bachelors Being Drunk

Mild NSFW so Minors DNI

My first head canon post, enjoy!

Arvio

Arvio already has no idea what inhibition is so expect his personality to intensify by 200% while his ability to actually come up with schemes drops by 200%.  He’s gonna have so many half-baked terrible ideas that he will immediately try to act upon, so be ready to keep him on a kid leash to avoid some really dumb incidents.  “Builder!  I just had the best idea for how to get more investors for By the Stairs, but we have to act fast!  I’m hopping on the next train to Atara right n- what do you mean it can wait til morning??”  Arvio already slurs his words, so drunk Arvio I could see being almost unintelligible.  Once he’s drunk enough, he’ll constantly flip back and forth between beaming over how much he loves the builder and sobbing over Fang’s most recent rejection.

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE rizz

Amirah helps at first, but clocks out of babysitting after the first hour of shenanigans.  Good luck Builder.  He’s your responsibility now.

Burgess

Sweet, sweet summer child Burgess.  He’s not much of a drinker, but would easily be peer pressured into drinking games, especially if the Builder wants him to play.  Others offer to drink for him if he wants, but Burgess insists that, as the Chief Water Inspector, his high hydration levels and position of bureaucratic authority give him a high enough tolerance to make it through the whole game.  They do not.  Sweet baby boy’s never been drunk before and has no idea how to handle it, so be ready to babysit this one too.  He’s gonna cry over how beautiful the cactus flowers are in full bloom, how Banjo jumped in his lap and started purring, and how you’re an angel from the Light sent to save Sandrock.  Keeping him hydrated is easy, but if he does throw up, he’ll never forgive himself for the wasted water.

He’s very good at listening to the Builder’s instructions and advice on sobering up, though.  Of all the drunks on this list, he’s the easiest to comfort and get to bed by far.

Drunk Burgess is a “sinner” (by his perspective) & 100% gives Pen the “you’re a bully but I forgive you” speech instead of turning the other cheek or forgiving immediately.

Ernest

It’s been a while for him.  Did he drink and party with Luna back in Atara?  100%, but since arriving at Sandrock, he’s been so busy with hyper fixating on Logan and trying to survive droughts and sandstorms, there hasn’t been much of an opportunity for him to just let loose and party.  Once he finally does, though?  Mans is writing sonnets on sonnets on sonnets.  None of them rhyme, or even make sense, but he gives them his all anyway.  “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”  “Ernest, you said that one already.”  “Did I?  I guess every time I see you, I seem to just forget everything else.”

Ernest is pretty open about flirting with the Builder normally, so when he’s drunk, expect to hear it way way more.  He’s gonna rizz up that Builder as well as his drunk brain can ‘cause he absolutely LOVES seeing them blush because of him.  He’s all talk though, well aware that when he’s drunk, neither he nor anyone else should take him seriously.  He’s just having fun!

Fang

I could see Fang going one of two ways when drunk: either he realizes he’s drunk and immediately goes to sleep regardless of location OR his walls come down and you get to see an almost completely unfiltered Fang.  When his walls come down, oh man, Arvio better watch out.  If Arvio were to try any shenanigans, Fang is definitely telling him to shut up and sit down.  He’s grumpy normally, so drunk Fang would be much more likely to express that grumpiness.  It’s not that he’s a mean drunk so much as he is just more comfortable expressing himself under the effects of liquid courage.

If he’s with the Builder, he becomes soooooo clingy and jealous.  “The feel of your touch, unforgettable.”  Yeah he’s not giving up the feel of your touch while he feels confident enough to truly demand it.  If the builder is standing, he’s right behind them with arms around their waist.  If the builder is sitting, his head is on their shoulder, hand on their thigh, glaring down other townies who get too close.  

X lowkey loves when Fang gets drunk because it means he doesn’t have to filter what he says either, not that he does it too much normally.  He definitely eggs Fang on if the kind doctor happens to be roasting someone (Arvio) like a squawking mini-hypebeast.  At the same time, X helps the builder out a lot with getting Fang to drink water and go to sleep.

He has a very low tolerance, 4 drinks max

Justice

Our favorite Sheriff and tiredest dad of all the bachelors, Justice definitely knows how to drink.  One of his best friends is the local saloon owner, so yes, Justice has a pretty high tolerance.  With that, Justice tends to be pretty mellow when he drinks, but if he’s with the builder, he’s getting flirty too.  He’s gonna lean hard into the cowboy aesthetic, with a fake tip of the hat before asking the builder to dance.  During the dance Justice is pulling the builder close enough to stand on his feet (so he doesn’t drunkenly stumble on them) & going all the way with the spins and twirls.  He’s not elegant by any means, but he is fun!  He’s giggly and having a good time (probably annoying Logan).

If the builder is a friend, he’d insist on walking them home to see them off safely before stumbling back to his house.  If the builder is more than a friend, Justice is definitely laying on the rizz  and trying to get laid down at the workshop.

[insert “hmm society” question about life here] (seriously though, why do all the civil corps members wax philosophical so often?)

Logan

We all know the yakboy only dances when he drinks, but what else will he do when drunk?  Logan has a temper, yes, but he’s also a soft gooey ball of affection with the people he cares about, and that dichotomy is on full display when he drinks.  He avoids drinking games (they’re dumb & childish & he’s a grown man, damnit), but if the Builder wants to get up to drunken shenanigans?  Oh he’s in.  

“Darlin’, are you seriously tellin’ me ya wanna go build a scarecrow that looks like death to set up outside Cooper’s house ‘n scare him when he wakes up at 4am?”  “Ye”  “What do ya need me to do?”

Surprisingly, not a horny drunk at all (fanfic writers sue me).  BUT, he is an affectionate drunk with the builder.  Kinda like Fang, he’s all about the physical affection, especially in public.  The builder is his, and he’s gonna make sure it stays that way.  When they get home, he just wants to lay in bed with the builder in a cuddly vice grip til they both fall asleep.

He definitely relies on Rambo knowing the way home, just hops up, tells the goat where to go, and halfway passes out in the saddle.  He’s definitely getting roasted for being a lightweight by Andy when he gets home.

Miguel

How else would a religious fanatic obsessed with discipline act when drunk?  Off the rails ranting & outright simping for the builder.  Full stop.  I’m not even a Miguel fan and I know this man is so down bad for the builder.  He wouldn’t even want to drink initially, until the builder challenges him to a game.  “Very well, Builder.  For the person who has done the most to promote telesis in this barren land, I can surely raise a glass or two in celebration.”

Once he’s drunk, expect a strange combination of sermon and praise for the builder (he will definitely be mortified in the morning).  But if the builder even touches him by accident, he’s already hiding a sneaky semi tenting his pants.  

“Miguel…are you hard right now?”  “Builder, it would be a sin for me to deny the truth of this situation.  *proceeds to dramatically throw his jacket off*  Take me now, body and soul.”  “I mean, sure, but…can that wait til we can get home?”  “OH…………………..yes”

The next morning, while nursing a hell of a hangover and the raw, unfiltered embarrassment of drunken mistakes, he vows to never drink again.  At least, as long as the builder doesn’t ask him to.

Owen

Honestly?  I don’t see Owen acting too differently when drunk, just a lot less anxious when interacting with the builder.  Seemingly out of nowhere, his stuttering and nervous way of speaking with the builder is gone, replaced with a more confident barkeep.

He’s wicked good at drinking games, having spent his entire life inside of a saloon.  If you think you’re winning beer pong or rage cage against Owen’s 6 foot something ass, you’re wrong.  There’s a reason Justice and Logan outright refuse to play drinking games with him, and it’s cause it always ended with someone throwing up.  Never Owen, though.  He’s got a finely tuned tolerance for alcohol and knows exactly where his sweet spot is.  

He won’t really try to initiate any sexy times with the builder, but if they start dropping hints for him?  “Justice, can you watch the bar while I step out with the builder real quick?  They need some help..um…perfecting a new recipe.”  Cue Justice’s shit-eating grin.  “Sure pardner, take as long as y’all need” with a quick wink at the couple

Pablo

Is he drunk, or has he just been pretending to drink that much?  Who knows?  Pablo’s been around, especially in Walnut Groove.  He knows how to drink and even more so, he knows how to look how to drink especially.  He’s watching the town get absolutely smashed with glee, taking stock of everything that happens, especially anything embarrassing.

He’s the one who calls at 8am the next morning when you’re hungover to hell and back and tell you, in excruciating detail, every embarrassing thing you said and did, just in case you forgot.  All in all, I think he likes to drink a little, socially of course, but he’s far more interested in getting others drunk instead of himself.

Pen

Assuming that Pen can get drunk (he is sensitive to Duvos peppers), he’s gonna be glued to whatever the nearest reflective surface is.  But what actually surprises the builder is how genuinely affectionate he becomes with them, especially if they’re not officially a thing yet.  He wants them sitting in his lap so he can wrap their skinny arms in his big arms the entire time.

When he’s not being affectionate, he’s definitely trying to spar with them, though.  For Pen, fighting is very much foreplay, and this is even more true when he’s drunk.  He would already be turned on just by the builder existing, so a drunken brawl at 2am?  He’s the hardest he's ever been the entire time, full stop.  Bro is so hard from fighting the builder he has to take care not to fall flat on his face or he might break Pen jr.  

Pen avoids getting drunk because it also makes him feel guilty, at least some part of him.  He doesn’t necessarily like deceiving the builder (Sandrock he could take or leave tbh), but he has to so he can protect the life he wants for himself.  The builder changed a lot of that for him, so he feels a lot of guilt about keeping secrets.  Don’t be surprised if drunk Pen says he needs to confess something, only to go silent for 5 straight minutes before telling them he’s just hungry.

Qi

You know that meme about the guy’s roommate who blacks out and designs an entire airplane?  That’s Qi when he drinks, but with spaceships.  How did you get him to the saloon to start drinking in the first place?  Three words: Saloon Trivia Night.  Qi is competitive, and assumes that he’s usually at the top of his respective totem pole, so when Owen starts including trivia questions about archaeology, building, agriculture, etc, Qi can get frustrated relying on his team to answer for him.  And for every round lost, that’s another drink finished.  Soon enough, he’s ranting about the uselessness of “soft sciences” and the possibilities of interstellar space travel (someone please just make out with him and shut this nerd up)  The drunker he gets, the more he only excuses the builder’s mistakes and no one else’s.

This man definitely gets hot and bothered when drunk, but has no idea what he’s feeling or what to do about it, so he usually just goes to bed.  If the builder is romancing him, though?  The builder will definitely need to initiate things, but from there a now-uninhibited Qi goes off, following any and every instinct he can that the builder will allow.  He wants to try everything with them, for science of course.  

Unsuur

Regular Unsuur is honest, if a bit stoic.  Drunk Unsuur is too honest, and still kinda stoic.  As soon as he has a thought, he’s saying it, no filter.  It doesn't matter who he is talking to or what he is saying, he’s gonna let loose with whatever he’s thinking.  “Hey Cooper, why do you talk so much?  Like, you talk a lot.  Going on and on, kind of like I am now.  Why do you do that?”

“Unsuur, are you drunk?”

“Yeah.  Oh.  Builder, can I make love to you until you’re breathless and destroyed and the only word you know is my name?  I think you’d be really beautiful like that”

“Unsuur, we’re in public! Everyone can hear you right now.”

“Oh, yeah.  We should probably go home before doing that.  Pretty sure having sex in public is a crime.”

Aside from shamelessly flirting with the builder, Unsuur would also just wax philosophical to all the town pets in some corner of the saloon.  None of the other drunks there could keep up with his train of thought, but he doesn’t let that stop him.  Now Macchiato’s third eye is open, and he’s considering joining the civil corps under Captain.

I hope you guys enjoyed the headcanons! Let me know if you want to see the bachelorettes too! Yan has dialogue in the game about "mixing yakmel milk and catnip" so if y'all want any other headcanon posts, intoxicated or otherwise, let me know!

[haleswallows]

i come with a gift. that gift is an excerpt from dragon fic

The sun had not yet risen, the deep fathomless black of night breaking slowly into purples, red, and oranges. Not yet blue. And beside him, the prince continued to sleep. Buried in the blankets until only a tuft of raven black hair was visible.

The prince hadn't lied - he was a terrible bedmate, prone to tossing and turning. Even now, he kicked his legs only to roll over and press his face into Danny's arm. His face, smoothed in sleep, was beautiful.

He was beautiful in waking, of course. Danny's self control was the only reason he didn't stare endlessly at the prince. Tracing his sharply angled jawline, plush lips, a thick fan of eyelashes, Danny took the opportunity to admire the prince in his sleep. And pale, so pale, skin entirely unmarred save for a small scar under his eye. Danny wished he knew the story of it, glad whoever had wielded the blade had missed his husband's eye.

Danny kept his sigh to himself. The memory of kissing the prince was still fresh in his mind. It had been an impulsive want. The ceremony didn’t call for it but Danny…

It was hard to forget the way the prince went soft and pliant during the kiss. The way he leaned into Danny and kissed back. His fingers itched with the urge to brush the prince's - Timothy's - hair from his face.

They were married. Twice even! But the prince hadn't yet given Danny permission to his name, and schooled himself to respectfully honor that even if in his thoughts alone. Danny was a lot of things, but 'proper' definitely isn't one of them. And… he wanted to do this properly. For the prince. To treat him well.

It was backwards. Despite being married and sworn to each other in the laws of two countries, Danny thought about how he'd like to court the prince. Treat him with the respect and admiration he deserved.

Another lifetime. Maybe they would have been friends first, maybe they could have cared for each other before making vows, maybe they could have done it right. In this lifetime, Danny was nothing but a commoner and then cursed and now the High Chief.

Danny couldn't change that.

He doesn't know the prince. Not really, not yet. There were hints of it, the truth of Timothy Drake-Wayne. Beautiful, brave, thoughtful. Danny liked that. It seemed every time he looked at the prince, there were countless thoughts behind the pretty smile and his sharp attention.

The prince doesn't know him either. Danny is… Danny doesn't know what he is. Brash, too stubborn for his own good. Trying his best, for all that's worth. Used to be clever with his hands, his mind rooted in engineering like his parents. But that all got left behind. He was the High Chief now, no time in his life left for tinkering or inventing.

Hopeful. Danny was hopeful.

He wanted a lot of things.

Right now, Danny was being lazy, curled up under the blankets even though he was wide awake. The only excuse he had to not be up yet was the prince still asleep at his side, curled into a comma.

The bonds were a sleepy thing in his mind. Fright Knight a cool and calm thrum as he moved through his never ending nightly patrolling. Jazz, still asleep and warm, soft. Dan, starting to stir and the bond lighting up with his drowsy morning thoughts. All enveloped by his strongest bond - Aquila, deep asleep in the tower, grumbling.

Idiot, probably has an upset stomach, Danny thought ruefully to himself. Added getting milk weed to his mental list, to soothe the silly dragon's gut. Smiled softly at the ceiling, nothing but fond and warm.

He had to get up. There was a list as long as his arm and then some that he needed to do today. First of which being check on Dan, debrief with Fright Knight, hit the town to gather supplies for a trip to Frostbite. At some point, getting the prince's ring resized. Take him to Paulina to get clothes appropriate for the chilly mountain conditions.

Danny sighed. No more lazing about. He needed to start his day. Any moment, he'd get up.

It was just…

Being close to the prince was nice. 

Girding himself with every responsibility and duty, Danny forced himself from the bed. His movements caused the prince to stir, pulling away from where his face had pressed against the bulk of Danny’s shoulder. He blinked slowly as he propped himself up on an elbow. One side of his hair was flat, the other side sticking up.

Ancients, Danny was screwed. He thought even the prince’s bed head was charming.

“Hey,” he spoke, keeping his voice low. “It’s early, you should sleep more.”

[snozzlefrog]

Working on the assumption most people aren't reading kid's puzzle books (although it is a pretty fun, more relaxed time if you fancy it!), I've compiled a list of main series related observations. Please only read if you don't mind spoilers - and the kids aren't mentioned much since they are Jr originals.

The book seems to take place between books 1 and 2 (plausibly could be during book 1, but unlikely)

Many of the events of book 2 and 3 were in motion beforehand, especially with Tekco

Rose, Raspberry and Indigo all have kids - Indigo's specifically is Olivia, one of the main detectives

This means Logico helped murder his junior employee's dad during book 3 (ouch)

Applegreen, Lapis, Saffron and Ruby work in the same school, alongside Raspberry Jr

Emerald and Earl Grey are neighbours

Logico seems to be a bit famous now, at least enough for strangers to recognise him and to be signing stuff

The Detective club is really well funded, and Logico appears to be in a high-up role, if not the president

Irratino is a "pretty swell" Uncle (likely a second cousin rather than secret sibling)

Irratino is consequently pretty good with kids

Logico is TERRIBLE with kids

Irratino has multiple classic secret levers and switches installed for secret rooms and passages in the II (something we'd all probably do with comical amounts of money to be fair)

Irratino has great memory, and has the entire Institute memorised (which may also be how he can navigate the impossible maze with little trouble)

While it's no surprise, Irratino is confirmed as a habitual wonderer and prone to boredom (AuDHD king)

Irratino is similar to Logico in that he likes being included as a suspect when relevant

Logico either does a decent amount of undercover work, or has a LOT of side jobs

Logico earns what I believe is his first colour association - marzipan! (Suitably beige in my opinion)

At least two of the four detectives don't recognise Logico with a very mild change in appearance (mustache and hat) but clearly know who he is - either face blindness is super common in Murdle, or Logico is gathering an army of specifically autistic children

Logico has a houseboat (unclear if it's a full-time home or for the case - I like to imagine it is indeed his)

Logico is good with computers - at least good enough to stump a tech prodigy

Logico is kinda bad at tone/jokes

The DC and II seem to be at least a little linked together now - Logico tries to recruit two of the kids at the II, and Irratino helps with a DC training exercise as a "favour"

The II has at least one other branch, on the Violet Isles

A funny possible plot hole - Logico knew at least part of SPY was corrupt before the events of book 3 (between that and SoM, I'm starting to think Logico got hit a bit too hard during chessboxing - that or I'm checking timelines in a children's book)

Logico not only successfully pulls off the patented Tino-death-trick, but Irratino (presumably) fails to pull off the same trick

Logico is, and I cannot overstate this, the dopiest, most awkward motherfucker on the planet. Seriously, it's so funny seeing him without his internal dialogue colouring all his actions. It's like if Columbo was actually Like That. He thinks he's super cool and awesome and he's actually Laios from dunmeshi (AuDHD king). He's smart in the logic department but the rest of his brain is empty.

NO BUT SERIOUSLY. He earnestly does the Perry the Platypus disguise TWICE. He wears his hat under a second hat in case he needs to do a dramatic reveal. He lets children go to a wartorn country and solve several murders with no plan while believing that this is a totally planned excursion. HE HIRES A CAT. HE LETS A SMALL CHILD BELIEVE HE IS GONNA BE A DETECTIVE BEFORE GOING "oh no sorry that's for the cat, welcome to the force Mr McPaws" WITH GENUINE SERIOUS INTENTIONS.

If I'm honest, I think the cat might be the smartest detective there (including the adults)

[cocoa-rococo]

Koopaling Headcanons: Ludwig

Larry | Morton | Wendy | Iggy | Roy | Lemmy | Ludwig

The composer of chaos and everyone's favorite general, Ludwig! What a guy.

Naturally left-handed, but trained himself to be ambidextrous

He's disturbingly good at discerning people's motives, personalities, and past. He claims it's simple logic, but no one really knows how he does it.

Whenever Bowser’s in a pissy mood or feels agitated, Ludwig sometimes gets called in to play something soft and relaxing to calm him down.

There's rumors floating around the army that he was originally a Paratroop General who sold his wings in exchange for arcane powers in a magical bargain with Kamek. He's yet to confirm or deny this. (It’s not true, but he likes to keep his recruits on their toes).

Partially deaf in his left ear, and uses a hearing aid to assist him. Fluent in sign language, as well.

Has a baritone voice, very rich and darkly colored. He can hit high notes with relative ease, but can't hold them as long as he can with his lower notes.

His singing is enchanted. It's something he was born with, and he's gotten very good at controlling it. He does forget sometimes, and before he knows it, his humming down the street has attracted a plethora of birds.

Also fairly decent at mimicking bird calls. Iggy is dying to learn his secret.

Likes reading mystery novels and detective stories, but spaces them out so he doesn’t read the chapters all at once. He also uses Morton as a soundboard for theories in each chapter, and relishes the feeling of being smart if he solves it before the end.

One of the most magically powerful out of his siblings. He’s fairly decent at a little bit of everything, but his siblings are stronger with their specialization. His best field is in Evocation.

While piano is his preferred instrument, he plays several: violin, cello, pump organ, pipe organ, guitar, flute, clarinet, harp, harpsichord, and ocarina.

He’s an ugly crier and hates it, which is why he tries not to do it often.

Fond of gardenias and wisteria flowers.

One of his favorite down-time, out-and-about activities is going antiquing. He’s found a nice gramophone, a few records, and some furniture pieces for his room by doing so.

Likes having a physical, paper to-do list. It makes him feel productive and organized as he checks things off.

He and Wendy have ‘Bitch Lunch' together, where they basically talk shit about their coworkers, spill tea about their friends, and gossip the whole time.

You can actually tell how long he's been composing by how dark his hands are with ink smudges. You can also tell how bad of a mood he’s in.

Loves the smell of coffee and vanilla, but leans more towards being a tea person. He's got an excellent palate for both, however.

Larry is persistently trying to introduce him to the keytar. Ludwig is persistently refusing to go near it.

Very much a morning person. He wakes up earlier than most of his siblings and likes having his hot drink and reading alone to enjoy the quiet hours before the rest of his family wakes up.

The ultimate master of time management. He gets kinda tetchy when others don’t respect deadlines or appointments dates, and heaven help you if you intrude on his scheduled self-care hours.

He snorts when he laughs really hard, and is terribly embarrassed by it, so he tries to reign it in when he can. Anyone who can do it who isn't a sibling is a special person, indeed.

He likes tall places, especially the views. Great for a bit of peace from his siblings and inspiration for his music.

When his siblings are annoying him, he likes bombarding them with music puns. He is well aware he's being an ass and does not care.

Leaned more towards science as a kid, but discovered the piano when he was twelve, and creating music felt right in a way that making little inventions never did. He never looked back, and he’s a lot happier for it, too.

Keeps a little pocket notebook on him for writing things down, and he's pretty dutiful about marking things in. It's a common gift his sibling get him on the holidays.

He doesn't have as much of a sweet tooth, but toffee — especially with almonds or coffee in it — is his weakness. His siblings have learned he can be bribed to look the other way if they have enough.

Also a fan of very dark chocolate, and his favorite pastry is a freshly-warm coffee cake.

He's pretty alright at art, especially with acrylic paint and sketchier mediums like charcoal and conté, he just doesn't like how dirty his hands get afterwards. He's got a side business doing murals.

Favorite fruits are cherries and plums, but he also won’t turn down anything with blackberry in it.

Likes watching regency romance dramas in his alone time, but loves dragging the shit out of reality TV shows with Wendy.

He also loves watching those foreign films with subtitles, very artful with a lot of emotion in them, especially if he's feeling spiteful and his little siblings are annoying, because "No, Luds, I don't want to read a film after two hours of paperwork!"

Has a small collection of model ships in bottles. He keeps them on a high, high shelf in his room, given his work environment. Ship kits are another common gift to him.

Looks at memes like an old man; both hands, squinting eyes, mouth slightly open. The others think this is hilarious.

[lo-shouldve-been-an-email]

Why hello there.

Listen,I don’t have much to say about the newest LO episode so here’s an ares ranking to go along with the other ones.

Spoilers.

Percy Jackson:

6/10

Look,Ares is a really weird figure when it comes to how the media presents him.

Almost always they present him as this sexist frat boy when in mythology he is:

A reported protector of mistreated woman.

The patron god of the amazons and was worshipped to the point that their leader had 2 babies with him.

Scored the GODDESS PF LOVE AND BEAUTY and there is no way you cannot convince me she doesn’t have some pretty high standards(even though apparently you can convince most of the writers on this list)

And as much as I love Percy Jackson,it is not devoid of crimes.

In the first book,he helps Luke/Kronos steal Zeus’ master bolt and Hades’ helm of invisibility as to start a civil war within the gods.id say this is a pretty good portrayal overall.

…until we get to the second book.

This myth will be very important so long story short:a daughter of ares got r*** by a son of Poseidon so Ares,like any reasonable and bloodthirsty god of war,fucking killed him.

After this,he got put on trial for murder as if he wasn’t the literal god of bloody war,and all the ladies vouched for him so he got set free.

Let’s just say,Rick Riordan didn’t know of this myth.

In the second book,there’s a scene where Clarisse La Rue,a DAUGHTER of ares talks to him through a magic mirror.

There,he threatens her and says he should have sent one of his sons on the quest.and keep in mind she is his FAVORITE DAUGHTER.

So yeah.

I don’t really like this portrayal but he gets points for bringing Clarisse and (technically)Frank into this world since I like them both.also the fact that Percy could tell he had beef with him even without having any other memory.

Lore Olympus:

1/10

FUCK THIS GUY

Remember when I said that modern Ares was more often than not a sexist frat boy?we’ll add “predator” and “Reddit nice guy” to that list because RS can’t write.

If in Percy Jackson Aphrodite had terrible standards here said standards are so much worse.

He spends MONTHS trying to seduce a 19-YEAR-OLD and then tries to marry her without her consent.

Also,sir,YOU HAVE THE GODDESS OF LOVE AND BEAUTY FULLY AT YOUR DISPOSAL AND YOURE PICKING A GURL WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW HIW TO USE A COMPUTER????

Great.this guy is a predator,Reddit nice guy,AND stupid.

I remember saying that the only character who could get a lowers rating than LO Persephone being LO hades and then I remembered this fuck existed.

Fuck him.

Hades:

10/10

Your know when you see something and then immediately want to wash your eyes with soap?this is my soap.

He is my third favorite Olympian in the game,coming third to Hermes and Artemis.

So here’s a few reasons why I like him:

Doom anything with impending doom and the increasing doom damage boon does absurd amounts of damage.

Curse of nausea is one of the best duos in the game.

He respects woman.(oh look they finally Aphrodite standards)

His quest is stupidly easy and he was the first Olympian who’s bond I maxed out.

I know this joke has been made so many times but.he really is a Chthonic simp.

He doesn’t get too pissed if you don’t pick him is trial of gods.hes just here for the bloodshed.

It may be just the fact that almost every other interpretation of ares is bad,but I really like him.

Also Aphrodite wearing his face paint in hades 2-

OSP:

7/10

He’s cool.

I really don’t have much else to add except the helmet stays on during sex.

Gods school:

5/10

Welp Back to the incels-

Him straight up telling Aphrodite that he can do whatever he wants because she won’t leave is just.why.

I don’t get why people go to this myth,turn it around,and act as if they’ve done a service by making Ares miserable when in the myths it was already a good ending.

What is with the obsession with making ares a toxic ex boyfriend when in the myths him and ‘dite were literally love and war.

Another issue I have with gods school is the fact they made Aphrodite a Karen Smith when in the myths shes a Regina George but that’s a problem for the Aphrodite ranking.

Also I just realized the Aphrodite Hephaestus ares myth is the og “I fell in love with a bad boy story”-

Epic:the musical:

8/10

I don’t have a physical picture of him but I already like him.

The only time he he appears is during a bit of an unfinished song but he does bring up some pretty good points,like the Scylla thing.

Also the fact Athena didn’t directly refute any of his points but instead persuaded him with the fact that the moment Ody gets home the suitors are going to be fucked is surprisingly great.

Also can I just say how absolutely hyped I am for god games?Aphrodite’s part fucking rocks and I’m excited for Apollo and Hephaestus.

Also here’s my ranking for epic Hermes since I wasn’t part of the fandom back then:

10/10

*insert dolphin laugh here*

[remembrancer-of-heresy]

Honeymoon

AU Reverse Therapy

Summary: Luka gets the chance to spend a whole month with his beloved Malina. A long time ago, he lived for a whole month with a girl he couldn't love. But he could hate.

Pairing: Chaos!Lamenter/fem!OC/Chaos!Flesh Tearer

Characters: Malina (fem!OC), Luka The Angel (OC Chaos Lamenter), Virgil (OC Chaos Flesh Tearer)

Warnings: yandere, stolkhom syndrome, dubcon, noncon, torture, cannibalism

Word count: 8048

Author's note: I thought I'd remind myself and you that as a Chaos Space Marine, Luka can be quite cruel and terrifying. All scenes with an Imperial soldier will be quite unpleasant. Please be careful.

Song: Garbage - #1 Crush (Nellee Hooper Mix; 2015 Remaster)

Tag List: @druidwolf21, @pluvio-tea, @kit-williams

Luka wanted love. He had been dreaming about this wonderful feeling since he had undergone the reverse therapy. Feeling desire again was akin to bliss and torture at the same time. Of course, the Lamenter understood that as a Space Marine he experienced a much wider range of emotions than mere mortals. He could be a little… uncontrollable.

But he would learn. Luka bitterly regretted what the poor cultist and his two captives had gone through. But now he knew that human women were too fragile and he should not have sex with them for several rounds. And although he did not particularly like it, he also should not drink their blood, no matter how delicious it was. There were plenty of no-man's slaves on board that he could eat. The most important thing was not to harm his beloved.

Beloved. How many feelings and emotions were hidden behind this word. Oh, Luka so hoped that the third girl he found would be the last. His true love, whom he would protect from all the dangers of the world. Mortal men are much weaker than Space Marines. With Luka, the beautiful maiden will feel like she's behind a mountain. All of humanity can roll into the warp with a Corpse on the Throne. But for his beloved, Luka will be a true hero. He will try.

And the Lamenter had better find his maiden as soon as possible. He can't stop thinking about love even during combat. Although shooting Imperial soldiers is quite fun, the siege of heretics was too easy. The Astartes was already starting to get bored while mortals were turning into bloody scraps. And quite tasty. When was the last time he ate a human? It seems like a week ago. Quite a while ago.

"The God-Emperor will guide us, burn heretics!"

Stupid mortals again shout equally stupid words just to keep up morale. In the last couple of minutes, they have not shut up at all. Apparently they are desperate. Luka would like to roll his eyes, but he can't. His hearing caught on the one who was shouting these slogans. The soldier was clearly shouting too much, but his voice was still beautiful.

And the woman was pretty in appearance too. Golden hair, gathered in a high ponytail (had she lost her helmet?), green eyes and a straight nose. A beauty in a word. Luka couldn't help but stare at the girl, and she immediately noticed someone else's gaze and shot at the Lamenter.

"Dirty traitor!"

Luka laughed happily. Usually such a nickname irritated him and mortals always regretted the words they had said earlier. But when this girl said "traitor", it even sounded sweet. Just think, the Astartes didn't know that such pretty girls were being recruited into the Imperial Guard. And was she really supposed to be sent to the army as a tithe?

Well, if the Space Marine tries to be careful and gets to the beauty before the brothers, then she can forget about her terrible past as a soldier. After all, she will have Luka, who will gladly take care of such a cute thorn. Soon she will love him.

A month. He will need only a month.

***

Luka went to his quarters in high spirits after the meeting. Mortals and Space Marines who met him on the way immediately retreated, just to avoid running into him. Sometimes the Lamenter was sad that he was so much feared. Of course, in the past he had done a lot of nasty things, but the same Eurydice was not afraid of him at all. But she, like Virgil, played the mean one and refused the title of "friend".

So be it. And screw what others thought of him. Now the Astartes could not think about anything except the results of the meeting. Bakh joined other Red Corsairs as support for the siege of the forge world Dominica VII. While other Huron forces fought in Malestorm, a small part was ordered to ravage Segmentum Obscurus. Not the most prestigious occupation, but additional resource extraction for the forces of Chaos is also important. Well, demoralizing the forces of the Imperium on the other side of the Rift could be fun.

Besides, it was in this segmentum that Malina lived. Luka now did not regret at all that he was not fighting the main fleet of Huron Blackheart. Although he should not have been fighting now. Half of the Space Marines were just right for a siege that should have lasted at least a month. A quick victory. And if Luka did not have a chance to be on the battlefield, then Virgil was preparing to set foot on the ground right now. And that meant only one thing.

He would finally be alone with Malina. Of course, the Lamenter had plenty of time to spend with the girl alone. And the Flesh Tearer, if he wanted to feel a woman's affection, did it at night and when Luka was absent. Whatever you say, but they were a great team. And yet the Astartes could not calm his jealousy and dreamed of being alone with his beloved for at least three days. And here is a whole wagon of time. If earlier Luka was sulking that he would not be able to torment the Imperials, now he was beaming with delight.

The young man, despite his excitement, slowly opens the door, trying not to scare Malina. She was already awake, finishing washing the floors around the room. Luka could not help but smile at such a picture. The girl was such a hard worker, although she might not clean so often due to her situation. But Malina liked to live in cleanliness. Probably because she herself is pure.

“Oh, you're back already.” - the girl leaned the mop against the wall, smiling embarrassedly. - “How good that I just managed to wash everything. Hope you are doing well?”

She always asked if the space marine was fine, how his day went. None of the mortals in the service of the Emperor allowed themselves such antics. None of the heretics were suicidal to ask about such things. Luka didn't think that this was what he would miss in life. Malina treated him like a man. No, not like that, he was above mortal men (women are beautiful as they are). She treated Luka as if he were her husband.

"Everything is wonderful. Right now, half of our people will land on Dominica VII to help our brothers. The operation will last for a whole month." - Luka said evasively before breaking into a smile. - "And even though Virgil was sent to fight, I will remain on the ship. So you will not have to be bored."

"Oh, that's good. Otherwise, I would go crazy from loneliness." - the girl shyly plays with a lock of hair and the Lamenter can't help but look at such a beautiful vision.

It will be a wonderful month.

***

Lucky Luka. He quickly managed to reach the girl and stun her with his own stock. He even managed to take her unconscious body to the ship without incident. And of course, tie her leg to the bed with a chain so that she could not run away. And so that every Space Marine in the room knew who she belonged to. Alas, the Lamenter did not take into account that this beauty would hiss and fight like a wild cat.

“Y-you vile traitors, I will not betray the Emperor! I-I will not become a heretic, I will not become your slave!” - the girl with golden hair spits so hard that drops of saliva get on Luka’s face. He does not like this behavior, but he forgives her. She is scared, she is used to aggression because of her military service. But everything will be fine.

“Do not be afraid, no one will hurt you. I am Luka, I will protect you.” - the young man stretches out his hands, trying to calm the girl like a wild animal. - “I’ll take care of you.”

“That means he’ll fuck you good.” - Folki, sprawled on the bed, cackles vilely and Luka wants to smash his face until it bleeds. - “He’ll spread you out like a whore and scream how much he loves you. That’s the kind of romantic he is.”

“Shut your mouth, you’re in my way.” - Luka grits his teeth, trying not to show the anger on his face. He shouldn’t scare his captive. But, oh, how nice it would be to smash Folki’s face on the floor. To see how his skin cracks like fabric, how his blood spills onto the floor, and his skin turns into a bloody mess. As delicious as a hot stew.

“Really? And I think I’m helping. Look how she’s shaking, it seems like she’s starting to get it.” - the impudent man gets up from the bed, turning to the soldier with a lewd smile. - “Yes, little thing. Chaos Space Marines are such nasty guys that they know what sex is. And if you weren't Luka's pet, I'd fuck you good."

"SHUT UP!" Luka screams with such fury that even the defiant Folki shuts up. The Lamenter can even discern a drop of fear in his eyes. Yes, he likes that. He wish he could squeeze his head so hard that Folki's brains would leak out of every crevice and the fear in his eyes would grow even more. He likes that.

"Shut up, both of you. You're annoying." - the gruff and silent Nerva calls out from his bed, still clutching his personal slave.

The Lamenter only wrinkled his nose. He hated Folki, but his fury was nothing compared to the envy he felt for Nerva. Folki is a rapist, a lover of a good fight and robbery, a vile and disgusting space wolf. He only knows how to test the patience of his brothers.

Nerva was a secretive Raven Guard, a bastard who hid his secret desires. His only weakness was a legless slave he picked up in the lower levels. She was a fragile creature, desperately clinging to her savior. Luka wanted the same. He wanted to be loved.

Bacchus believed that former loyalists should support each other in order to later become full members of the Red Corsairs. Some formed real brotherly bonds, and some a semblance of family with their slaves. Alas, Luka was unlucky with his neighbors. He hated them. The only consolation he wanted was in love, thanks to his newfound feelings.

Unfortunately, his captive did not want to make contact.

“I don’t give a damn, bastards, do you hear me? The Emperor is with me. I will not surrender to you.” - the girl tried to be brave, but tears were desperately flowing down her cheeks. Luka reached out his hand, intending to wipe them away, but the beauty only pushed him away. - “Don’t touch me.”

“How mean you are. I told you that everything will be fine with you. You are just like a thorn.” - The young man grumbled tiredly, leaning towards the captive. - “Hmm, suits you. Now you will be a Thorn.”

“I am not your pet, traitor! My name is Zegentia Gloz, I am a soldier of the 115th regiment of the Imperial Guard. I will not be a slave to heretics.” - pride in her origin smoldered behind the woman’s tongue and she continued to spit at Luka, infuriating him.

She had an ugly name. Mean and rude, unsuitable for a girl. Eurydice Sever was the captain of the ship, a voidborn, ugly woman with dictatorial manners and sadistic tendencies. But she had a beautiful name and that's why Luka liked her, although they had never communicated. And here... no, he would not allow his green-eyed girl to wear such a disgusting name.

"Fine, if not Thorn, then Pet. That's what I'll call you now." - The Astartes does not give the soldier a chance to spew new insults, tying a muzzle on her face. - "It's a very cute name, just right for you. So be a good girl and stop acting so viciously."

Unable to speak or move her limbs, the woman only continued to look angrily at Luka. He only sighed tiredly, remembering "Flower" and "Rain" with pain in his heart. The Lamenter thought that now with experience he would be a better man for beautiful ladies. It turned out that he would have to face other difficulties.

***

“Oh, Luka. I’m so worried about Commissar Cain.” - the girl hugged the book to her chest, looking at Luka with horror. - “He was just surrounded by enemies. I understand that this is only the middle of the book. But some books ended in the middle, and the next 200 pages were devoted to pleading with the Emperor and the hero the book was written about. What if it’s the same here?”

The mourner only pursed his lips, listening to Malina. He was glad that she liked all the books he brought her. Besides, the book about Commissar Cain turned out to be much better than the one about Saint Celestine (he hated it, damn Ignatius). Luka even listened to Malina’s opinion with pleasure.

Although he was not supposed to worry about the hero of the novel, much less a real person. After all, they were fighting on different sides. But seeing the girl’s worries, Luka couldn’t help but worry himself. This commissioner should live a little longer so that Malina doesn't worry in vain!

"Don't worry! You know Commissar Cain and his courage. He got out of so many troubles thanks to his faith in the God-Emperor." - The Lamenter smiled happily at the girl, noting with pleasure how faith in his words appeared on her face. - "He'll get out of this trouble too!"

What is he talking about... if Virgil were here, he would have fallen out of bed laughing. But fortunately, he wasn't here and he has to freeze his ass on the planet while Luka is having fun with Malina. Although reading about Commissar Cain wasn't the best entertainment, the Lamenter still had to admit. He was interested himself.

"You're right, Luka. Of course you're right." - Malina smiled happily and Luka blushed from such praise. - "How could I doubt him. In the end, he dodged a bullet thanks to faith… though.”

The girl moved her fingers and Luka obediently moved closer. To then blush even more from how Malina came closer to his ear. Her whisper and soft voice wrapped around his entire insides. It was so pleasant that the Lamenter almost missed her words.

“Although I’m sure he was just staring at the girl’s ass.”

Luka laughed, amazed by the girl’s words. Malina, embarrassed by her assumption, hid her face in the book, continuing to read. Luckily, a couple of pages later it turned out that Commissar Cain managed to survive. Luka was even happy for this lucky bastard.

***

“Come on, this is very tasty porridge. I bet it’s even tastier than your rations at work.” - Luka holds out a spoon with food to the green-eyed girl’s mouth, waiting for her to finally eat. - “Open your mouth, Pet. You’ll like it.”

But she only turns her head away, hoping that the Lamenter won’t see her tears. But he does. The woman clearly wanted to eat, but for the most part she refused to eat. Only sometimes did she obediently allow herself to be fed, when she couldn’t overcome her hunger. Luka saw in her eyes that at such moments she blamed herself. She was ashamed to eat from the hand of a traitor.

On this day, she apparently wasn’t so hungry.

“Well, please, Pet. You’ll agree anyway later. Why not stop acting like that then. Eat.” - Luka pokes the spoon into the woman's lips and she can't take it anymore, throws the spoon away and spits in his face. Again.

"Traitor!" - the woman hisses, but immediately stops short when she sees Luka's angry face. She, like all domestic animals, hides in a corner and whines quietly, afraid to move.

"Yes. Traitor. And I don't regret it at all. I don't regret betraying my order. I don't regret eating my brothers." - The mourner sits down next to the blonde, gently stroking her back while she whines. - "I don't regret eating your comrades. You know, I could have fed you their meat, I have supplies. But I'm giving you porridge."

The man squeezes the woman's shoulder tightly and she gasps in pain. Saliva and snot freely flowed down her chin. She looked simply disgusting. But Luka even liked it. He liked taking care of her. If only she would let him do it.

“Stop being so bad. Stop it or I’ll eat you alive.” - He doesn’t want to scare her, but the Pet has gotten on his nerves. He has to calm her down. - “And stop praying to the Corpse on the Throne, he won’t help you.”

Luka gets to his feet, kicking the bowl of porridge at the woman whining in the corner and sits down on the bed. How hard it was for him with her. Blue eyes catch on Nerva and Yuna hugging. Seeing the Lamenter’s interest, the slave girl clung tighter to the Space Marine, hiding her face. Luka swallowed, seeing such a picture. It was so cute.

“Nerva, mortal women like to be friends and all that, right?” Luka is awkward talking to the silent Raven Guard, but he, as a good soldier, is used to dealing with difficulties. - “Maybe Yuna should become friends with Pet? They’ll have more fun together. Maybe she’ll even behave better.”

“I won’t let Yuna get one step near your whore.” - the black-clad space marine hugs the legless slave tighter, inhaling the scent of her hair. - “This bitch is mad. You shouldn't have picked her up.”

Luka wanted to say something in response. To protect his beloved, but he couldn’t find the words. In truth, he didn’t like calling Pet “beloved.” The nickname didn’t suit her at all. He was already regretting picking her up. But the Lamenter couldn’t just get rid of this woman, could he? She was his responsibility now. Yes, it was hard now. But everything would get better later. It would.

***

“Oh, Luka, you spoil me. The porridge is delicious as it is, you didn’t have to bring chocolate.” - the girl looks at the Lamenter with embarrassment and gratitude. Luka only smiles in response, unable to take his eyes off those wonderful brown eyes. No one has ever looked at him like that in his life and never will.

“Mortals need variety. And you cleaned the room so well last time. And I thought you needed encouragement.”

Of course, it was just an excuse. He really liked spoiling Malina. Doing nice things for her, taking care of her. Yesterday, she dared to sing him a folk song of Astarte despite her embarrassment. It was so wonderfully homely that Luka simply couldn’t help but do something in response.

He couldn’t sing as beautifully as an Astartes. But he could bring chocolate taken from the governor’s palace. Most of these products were stored in the warehouse, waiting for the next Feast. But being one of Bakh's closest Space Marines, Luka could afford himself small liberties. He had been denied such privileges before.

"Well, if you say so." Malina carefully took a bite of the chocolate, savoring the taste. Before giving Luka a sly look. He felt his ears turn red. "But then you should try it too."

Malina held out the chocolate to him, waiting for Luka to take it. He took it. Only instead of fingers, he used his own teeth. The Lamenter felt his cheeks flush even more at the sight of the girl's embarrassment. They looked more like village lovers than a Chaos Space Marine and a prisoner.

"It is indeed delicious." The man leaned towards the girl to leave one small kiss on the cheek, which, however, turns into a scattering. "But you are tastier."

Malina bursts into laughter and Luka only continues to kiss her face harder, like a bird pecking at food. The mourner squeezes the girl in his arms, pressing himself against the girl's chest. The calm heartbeat and ringing laughter indicated that Malina was not afraid of him. No, today she was not afraid. And Luka was ready to drown the entire Imperium in blood so that this miracle would last forever.

***

The ungrateful bitch decided to kill him. She somehow managed to steal his knife. She waited until he and everyone else in the room fell asleep and then attacked him with her weapon. The idiot forgot that she was a captive of a space marine and one blow would not be enough. But the Pet did not even have time to strike when Luka hit her in the face, knocking out several teeth.

“You bitch have completely lost your mind, if you thought about killing me, huh? Huh?” - the man continued to pound into the yielding hips, ignoring the woman’s tears. He himself was crying while using her dry pussy for his pleasure. - “Why? Why? Why did you do this? I cared about you, everything should have been fine. You ruined everything!”

“Are you seriously crying while raping her?” - Folki, like a pervert, watched the entire process, shamelessly jerking off. - “You’re being so pathetic.”

“Shut up! I’m mourning my relationship. A freak like you wouldn’t understand.” - The Lamenter makes a final move, finally spilling his seed inside the screaming woman. Tears roll freely down his face as he looks at the equally tear-stained face. - “You betrayed me. You betrayed our love.”

“I-I only love the God-Emperor. H-he is my strength and f-faith.” - the woman swallows, unable to move. But she still has the strength and audacity to look at Luka. The Lamenter wants to suck out those green eyes. - “I will never love a m-monster like you!”

Luka howls like a wounded animal so loudly that Folki stops satisfying himself, and Nerva covers Yuna’s ears. The young man stops crying. Even though it hurts, it hurts so much. No weapon or poison could hurt him as much as the Pet did. His real heart beats like crazy in agony.

Something breaks in Luka. He can't stand that condemning look anymore. As if in a fog, the Lamenter immediately pounces on the woman and starts sucking on her right eye. The woman, who was trying to act decently just a few seconds ago, is now screaming in pain, begging him to stop.

"Oh, you're such a sick bastard." - Folki tries to act cheeky, but Luka can catch a glimpse of his disgust. If a bastard like him is terrified, then something is really wrong with Luka. Yuna is quietly crying in Nerva's arms and the boy wants to apologize to her for scaring her. But he can't. All his thoughts and thoughts are focused only on the one who betrayed him.

"If you don't want my care, you won't get it. You will not have my love. Do you hear?" - Luka feels the wonderful taste of mucus and blood on his lips and he involuntarily licks his lips. - "If you are not fit to be my beloved, you will be an appetizer."

The woman cries, begging for mercy. But Luka is no longer listening. He does not care.

***

The siege was going well. The Chaos Space Marines continued to capture more and more outposts and send captured resources to the ships. Including slaves, both for hard work and for pleasure. Luka and Virgil's room was one of the best, and the compartment looked tolerable.

And yet the Lamenter could not understand where his neighbors had so much time and, most importantly, energy for torture. The same Virgil also participated in the torture of imperial soldiers and aristocrats in order to suppress waves of anger. But Luka was alien to this. If you torture and kill, then only on the battlefield. It is much more fun than taking slaves to rooms.

But if before Luka only rolled his eyes, now he was grateful to all the sadists around. He was ready to sing their praises. After all, all these cries and pleas scared his sweet Malina so much that she, having only heard them, immediately rushed to Luka. She lay next to him on the bed, seeking protection.

“I know that they are heretics.” - Navina Malina whispers to the slyly grinning Luka in the shoulder, while he stroked her hair. - “But I still feel sorry for them. It hurts.”

She is very kind and merciful. Kinder than Luka. In the old days, he would have pitied the slaves, but now he does not care. Sometimes the Lamenter wondered if maybe he had not gone crazy on that desert planet where he ate his brothers? Maybe he had always been a bad person? But on the other hand, even before the girl called him Angel, he was already going to save her. As well as the children. Maybe he's not so bad after all...

As soon as a woman's scream and the men's laughter resounded in the corridor, Malina pressed herself closer to Luka. The mourner only sighed at the behavior of mortal men. Why do they like to rape different women so much? Why don't they want to find the one and only one they will love.

"Angel, I'm scared." - Malina squeaked like a mouse, placing her palms on the man's chest. Luka swallowed, trying to suppress his growing erection. Of course, he could put his beloved to bed, but that would be disrespectful to her. She was scared as it was. So let her sleep.

Alas, but Luka did not close an eye, watching Malina's peaceful face.

***

“When we’re no longer recruits, I’m going to gorge myself on those governors’ food like crazy.” - Folki picked at his porridge with his fork like a child. He was going to steal the mutton and the wine supplies, but the red corsairs had taken everything. Full members of the squad. The three had served for only a short time and had not yet had time to prove themselves on the battlefield.

“Are you going to become the next Bacchus?” - Luka kicks his helmet into the far corner of the room out of boredom. He snaps his fingers, but the helmet is still in the corner of the quarters. The Space Marine rolled his eyes. He was in no mood to torment the stupid creature. - “Pet, have you lost your fear? Go ahead and bring it.”

“And why not, hm? And anyway, you must have noticed that he gives preference to all former loyalists.” - Folki smirked nasally, watching the Lamenter’s captive. - “Especially the likes of me. He was a Space Wolves himself, haven't you heard?"

"Then why is he called Bacchus?" - Nerva notes, carefully combing Yuna's hair. He had already managed to change her into cleaner, neater clothes, which he had managed to steal. - "It doesn't look like a Fenrisian name."

"No idea. Maybe he got himself a new one. How would I even know?" - Folki bristles like an angry dog, but sighs, settling down on the bed. - "They're moving a new guy in with us."

"What? There's not enough room here as it is, and now we have to put up with another mug?!" - Luka throws the helmet into the corner again like a child, watching as the woman hurried to pick it up. A loud cough and the Pet, understanding the hint, immediately dropped to her knees and crawled on her haunches."

"And the main thing is who exactly." - Folki kicks the Pet that came close, forcing it to crawl a different way. - "My old friend Loki. May the warp eat him, he's mad. And an idiot too."

"Stupider and wilder than you?" - Nerva looked at the space wolf with distrust. Having finished combing Yuna's hair, he kissed the girl on the top of her head. She only closed her eyes. She had been very weak lately. - "It would be easier to kill him."

"It would be better if you all died." - a quiet sound was heard and everyone in the room immediately turned to look at the one-eyed woman leaning over her helmet. She looked at everyone with an angry look. - "Traitors."

Luka clenched his teeth in anger. He immediately jumped out of bed and headed towards the woman, noting with pleasure how she cowered in fear. Now not as bold and tongue-tied as before? The young man grabbed the woman by the leg. Hearing the crunch, he only grinned and threw her to the other end of the quarters like a carcass.

“I don’t understand what else she’s hoping for.” - Luka crunched his head in displeasure before wrinkling his nose. The Pet was so scared that she emptied her stomach. The smell of urine rose in the room. - “How disgusting. Now clean up after yourself.”

The woman was about to take it with a rag, but the Lamenter’s clicking stopped him immediately. The Pet looked at him in fear until Luka nodded towards the mess. “Clean up with your mouth, properly.”

The Imperial soldier began to cry in a hunted manner. Her entire body hunched over, making her resemble the slaves from the lowest levels. But she had not yet become as pathetic as them. At least not yet. Overcoming the nausea, Pet nevertheless dropped to her knees and began to lick her own urine.

“And yet you seemed the most normal of us.” - Nerva looked at the woman’s efforts in surprise, hiding Yuna in his arms as she fell asleep. Luka involuntarily shrugged, ashamed of his behavior in front of the legless girl.

“I hardly torture, unlike many. And anyway, she wanted to kill me. And I gave her a chance.”

“Yes, yes, keep making excuses, little sadist.” - Folki turned away from the disgusting picture to the wall in amazement. Luka himself found what was happening disgusting. But he continued to watch. Since he had ordered Pet to do this, he would continue to watch this mess.

***

Luka loved to watch Malina. How she reads, prays, eats, sleeps. And especially the pleasure she experiences when they have sex. But most of all, the Lamenter loved to watch her take a bath. He never thought that this would capture his brain. But even the first time, when Luka first saw Malina in the water, he could not get rid of this image in his head.

Of course, like any other girl, Malina wanted to be alone with herself. Luka did not mind this. Therefore, most often he just opened the door. And watched the girl bask in the water. How her olive skin blushes from the temperature. How she breathes. How gently she spreads soap and other creams on her skin.

Malina is always beautiful, but especially at such moments.

The Lamenter would like to remain unnoticed so that the girl could rest. But he still could not resist and entered the bathroom, wanting to talk to Malina. Tell a little about the siege of the planet, about the successes in commanding the squad. And of course, the most important thing. To complain.

“Eurydice says that I have to justify the title of captain, can you imagine? I already go to their training and plan boarding tactics when I'm not too lazy. What else does she need?!”

“Maybe you should be a little more serious when you're with your squad.” - the girl suggested, hugging her knees to her chest. - “Well, the last time you were just hanging out on the ship instead of training.”

“Yes, it was so much fun.” - the Lamenter sighed dreamily before looking dejectedly at Malina. - “But I don't want to be serious. The squad will stop loving me.”

“Then don't be.” - the girl shrugged.

“But Eurydice will scold me and the squad won't respect me.” - the man leaned his cheek on the railing like a beaten puppy.

“Then be.”

“How complicated it all is.” - Luka stroked the girl’s fluffy hair, glad that he had not spent an entire hour cleaning the aristocrat’s bathroom in vain. Now Malina, in addition to soap, had a whole set of personal care products. - “And what would you do in my place?”

“Have no idea,” - the girl smiled shyly, causing a response from the Lamenter. - “Unfortunately, they didn’t teach us how to manage an entire squad of space marines on the agro-world. So I’m pretty incompetent in such matters. But perhaps you should listen to Eurydice. Try to find a balance. But still, your subordinates should respect you since you are a captain. And only then love you.”

“You are so smart. I am so lucky to have you.” - Luka admired the girl before his gaze caught on the sponge. - “Let me rub your back.”

“If you wish so.” - the girl awkwardly turned her back to the man and he immediately got down to business. Carefully, just so as not to tear off such lovely skin from the body.

There was something especially intimate in this action. Not just trust. But care. Luka tried to use only a soapy sponge, but the temptation was too strong. The mourner soaped the girl's back with his hand, amazed at how pleasant her skin felt to the touch. How soft it was. Luka snuggled up to Malina, tenderly kissing her shoulder blades.

Maybe they should arrange joint water procedures more often? Next time, Malina could soap Luka's back.

***

“Yeah, that’s it. Good. What an obedient Pet, ha.” - Luka laughs lightly, stroking his mate’s hair. No one in their right mind would think that he’s a vile and mean pervert if they heard his laugh. But here he is. Using his slave’s mouth for sexual pleasure.

He’s already had his fill of her female parts. And besides, he’s torn everything there, causing the Pet to bleed constantly. Both from the inside and the outside. Last time, he bit into her tender flesh so hard that he ended up tearing out a couple of pieces of meat, including a cute button. But he didn’t feel sorry. She didn’t deserve to have this pleasure.

“Take it deeper, stupid. Come on.” - Luka pushes his cock further into her mouth, squeezing her short-cropped hair. In some places, it was torn out to the point of baldness. The pet didn't look its best. There were bruises and black eyes everywhere. There were dark circles under her eyes, and her nose was broken in several places. There were open wounds on her arms and legs. Some of them were already starting to fester.

She looked disgusting, but not yet disgusting enough to start smelling like the Death Guard's abode. In addition, her slippery wet mouth pleasantly wrapped around his huge member. And the one-eyed woman crushing him with her size and saliva was so pathetic that the Lamenter only laughed even more at the sight of her. His balls hit her chin pleasantly.

“And yet once upon a time you prayed to your Corpse on the Throne with this very mouth.” - The Astartes stroked the girl's hair almost tenderly.

Perhaps she has not yet broken completely. Perhaps this slave still has faith in the God-Emperor. To her credit, she had tried to maintain her sanity and loyalty to the Imperium to the end. Even in this hell. And yet, Luka was not about to praise her for it, especially when she sank her teeth into his cock.

“You filthy bitch!” Luka grabbed the woman’s hair so hard he heard it crack. It seemed like another bald spot would appear on her head. Great. Even better, the one-eyed animal screamed in pain, opening her mouth wide just like he wanted. “Don’t think you’ll get away from me. I’ll use every hole of yours if I want.”

And right now, he wanted her mouth, and the Lamenter was not about to deny himself that pleasure. Grabbing the woman’s front tooth, he waited a moment until he saw the realization in her eyes, and pulled it out. As easily as if it were a fake. Pet whined, choking on her own blood.

“p-please, noo.” The woman wheezed in pain, but Luka continued to pull out her teeth with a cold gaze. His cock ached with arousal and he wanted to let his pleasure out. He wanted an obedient mouth and he would get it.

“That’s much better.” Luka smirked at the bloody and toothless woman. Now she wouldn’t be able to bite him anymore. Now she wouldn’t be able to insult him like before. “Now open your vile mouth, stupid slave of the Corpse on the Throne before I pull out something else.”

This time, the Pet obediently opened her mouth as wide as she could despite the heartbreaking pain. It became even more intense as Luka shoved his cock inside. The Lamenter moaned loudly from the intoxicating feeling. No more teeth, only metallic, delicious blood covering his cock.

It felt so good that it took him a little while to cum. The woman, like an obedient slave, swallows his sperm along with his blood. And yet, a few drops still fall on the floor. Without looking at Luka, she immediately begins to lick the floor, causing her tormentor to laugh.

“Wow, you’ve become so smart. Did I really have to treat you like an animal from the very beginning?” - Luka watches with unprecedented sadism as the imperial soldier sheds tears on the cold floor. - “You never deserved the honor of becoming my beloved.”

Unhappy creature. That’s what Luka would have thought earlier, seeing this body writhing in agony. But the young man had already managed to get to know this woman well and knew how rotten she was. He hated her.

***

Luka was in paradise. He couldn't call it anything else. But isn't it paradise? Sitting on the bed while a beautiful girl tries to tame your cock. Malina was too soft and weak, so mostly the Lamenter directed her hips up and down. Up and down.

Her natural lubrication helped the penetration wonderfully. The pleasure that engulfed the girl from head to toe squeezed the walls around the cock as hard as possible. The slurping shameless sounds of flesh on flesh, as well as sighs of pleasure filled the dark room. Pure bliss.

Malina settled her head on Luka's shoulder, unable to cope with the whirlwind of emotions. The Lamenter didn't mind. He wanted to see her soft lips and trembling eyelashes. But if the girl was tired, then it was okay. He would enjoy her sight to his heart's content when they fell asleep together.

The girl seemed to hear his thoughts and slowly raised her head, looking straight into Luka's blue eyes. The man's breath caught at the sight of her.

"You saved me." - Malina carefully grasps the man's chin with her small fingers. And Luka moans from her touch and words. - "You saved me. If it weren't for you, I would have died. I am so grateful. I am so grateful, Angel."

It was too much. Too much even for him. Luka could no longer think normally, speeding up the process. The girl moaned again, but this time fear settled in her eyes. She immediately hid her face on his chest. The mourner only laughed loudly at this. Luka felt drool running down his chin. He probably looked like a madman, but he didn't care.

Yes, he is her Angel, her savior, her lover. No one will take Malina away from him. She will be with him forever. He will take care of it. And all those who want to taste her flesh or offend her can roll into the warp. Luka will gnaw off their legs and arms and make them watch their loved ones die. He will turn them into mincemeat and sew a new cloak for Virgil. Because Malina is only his. Only his.

Luka did not notice how he came. He breathed for a long time, trying to cope with the excitement and evil thoughts. For some time he sat like that, still enjoying Malina's inner flesh. But the Astartes returned to reality again, finally hearing the crying.

“Malina? Hey, hey, what's wrong? What happened?” - Luka knew she was crying. He liked the look of her, but still, he had to calm her down.

“S-sorry, I was just so scared.” - the girl looked at Luka and he saw a waterfall of tears rolling down her cheeks. - “You had such a look.”

“Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just love you so much that I can't hold back. Your words got me going.”

“Alright. Next time I’ll keep quiet.”

“No, no. Don’t. I want you to say all those sweet things to me. They make me happier.” - Luka gently wipes Malina’s face before letting her lie down on his chest. - “You’re going to say them, right?”

The girl whines on his chest, but nods anyway. Luka smiles and gently kisses Malina’s forehead before running his hand through her dark hair. Poor thing. She’s so easily scared. It’s a good thing the Lamenter saved her and now she’s under his protection.

***

Yuna died. Quietly in her sleep. She did not suffer at all. But the inconsolable Nerva suffered. Luka already regretted his envy of the man, looking at how the Raven Guard sniffed the cut lock of the girl's hair. He felt sorry for his brother. Nerva became even more withdrawn and rude. But most importantly, lonely.

He was similar to Luka in some ways. Unlike Folka, the reverse therapy had a very strong effect on them. They craved love. But the conditions in which they lived did not allow them to have mortal girls. They were too fragile, and the space marines had not yet had time to become a real part of the team.

And still, they could not resist their desire every time. Their call of the heart. Nerva, at least, made sure that Yuna was burned, and not eaten or thrown into a corpse pit. Fortunately, the wild Loki did nothing but sleep. So he didn't try to piss Nerva off. Folki sat silently in the room, trying not to stand out. Even he had gotten used to the legless girl. Without her, the room became completely gloomy. Suffocating.

Luka involuntarily glanced at the one-eyed and toothless woman. She looked back at him like an obedient Pet, smiling like an idiot. Waiting for his orders like a dumb animal. The proud soldier, ready to fight for the Imperium and her loved ones, was gone. The woman Luka had liked in that battle was gone. He didn't miss her. But there was no point in torturing the slave either. She had no place in this quarter.

Having put a chain on the Pet's collar, Luka led her out of the room. She was about to go on all fours, but he forbade her with a gesture. The Lamenter hoped to get to the lower levels as quickly as possible. He couldn't stand her smell any longer. Her gaze. Her presence. Her entire existence was poisoned by him. Luka was not going to pity her. He had been waiting too long for the nightmares about his eaten brothers to stop. He did not need another burden of guilt.

“This is your new home now, Pet.” - Luka unhooks the chain from the collar, but the stupid bitch does not go inside the hall where the unfortunate slaves clung to life. The mourner angrily kicks the woman and she falls forward by inertia. - “Don’t be stubborn, you will like it here. There are the same pathetic slaves here as you.”

But Pet tries to grab the man’s leg, begging with her one eye not to let her go. She tries to say something, but without teeth and with a bitten tongue, she is doing poorly. A month ago, Luka would have been happy with such treatment. But this was not love. Not the one he was looking for. This was animal instinct.

“Let go, worthless.” - Luka hits the woman in the jaw again, causing it to break. The woman screams in pain, rolling on her back. But the Lamenter only turns away from the former Imperial soldier and leaves the lower level. His soul has not become any easier.

He has only gotten rid of the trash.

***

“Luka, do you remember anything from your childhood?” - the girl blinked innocently, clinging to the space marine. Screams were heard again and the frightened Malina, of course, hurried to her savior. And although the screams of the captives quickly died down, the girl was in no hurry to return to bed. Although Luka would not have let her go even if she tried. Perhaps she knew it.

“Not really.” - the man hummed thoughtfully. - “I remember that I had parents. They loved me. I think. I remember our homemade stew. It seemed to me the most delicious in the world.”

“If you bring groceries and a small stove with a saucepan, I can try to cook it.”

“That’s very kind of you. Thank you.” - Luka gently tucked a lock of hair behind the girl’s ear. How lucky he was to have her. - “But most of the memories are lost. Basically, I only remember my training when I was accepted into the ranks of the Lamenters. I was very proud then. I thought I would become a hero.”

He should have continued to play the part, but then again, Malina was naive enough. Luka wasn’t trying too hard, letting the girl believe in the illusion of the loyalist Space Marines. And yet, he felt like he was walking on a dangerous line. He wanted so much to cry on her shoulder.

He could still hear the cries of his brothers at night. He didn’t miss them. He thought they were pathetic. But the Lamenters still wouldn’t let Luka out of their embrace. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t change his armor to the Red Corsairs’?

“But you’re my hero.” - the girl gently strokes Luka’s hair before running her hand down his cheek. Only then did the Space Marine realize he was crying. - “Do you remember the stories your parents told you before bed?”

“No.” - the man looks at the girl, fascinated. Just a couple of seconds ago, he was lamenting the past. Although here it is, the present right before his eyes. Malina is much better than the empty promises and debt that Astartes promised him. That the Imperium promises. Maybe Luka, deep down, regretted that he sided with the traitors. But now, looking at Malina, he understood that he did not.

It was the right decision.

“I can tell you a fairy tale that helped me fall asleep as a child. It is about a little boy who managed to survive in the desert. And all in order to return home. Because a rose was waiting for him there.” - the girl looks closely at Luka and seeing the right answer in his eyes, she finally smiled. - “Well then, listen.”

Malina made a good storyteller. It was as if Luka himself found himself in the desert, overcoming all its difficulties. It was as if he himself was walking on the hot sand, suffering from hunger and heat. And the terrible cold that comes at night. Cruel winds blew on him, and everywhere he could see the corpses of the same weak children like him. Who could not survive the hardships of the radiation desert. Who could not pass the test.

But the boy was able to survive. And despite the curse that came with him. Despite the thirst for blood, he was able to rise to the heights. Only in order to leave this terrible world. To leave behind other children. And return to the rose that had been waiting for him since its birth. Not knowing that such a fragile flower like her needs protection. Needs an Angel.

For the first time in many years, Luka allows himself to fall asleep first. Allows the fairy tale and the wonderful girl's voice to envelop him like a warm blanket. Allows himself to close his eyes and fall asleep. But even in his dreams, Malina is near.

They will always be together.

[eyeofnewtblog]

Things that happen at work:

Got hired by a trucking company doing admin to safety stuff.

My new boss, in the interview: I’d love to have you start on *specific date* so that we can do the on boarding stuff, but we’re going to have the Driver Appreciation BBQ literally the day after and I want everyone to meet you.

Me: That’s honestly a good plan. I’m completely available for whatever happens, what time do I need to be there?

My actual second day of being hired and going through the whole set up of Driver Appreciation BBQ Day:

*chopped four onions for burgers and sobbed in the break room*

My boss: *lightly supervises but is honestly a Party Queen because she’s a Hispanic mom and is used to throwing parties for 100 plus people in her own backyard let alone a work bbq, you don’t even understand she literally looked at the corporate list of supplies and was like “nah, too much. Mmm. Maybe. Hm. Not enough.” AND WAS EXACTLY RIGHT she owns her own bouncy house, she’s got this shit on lockdown, ok?

So like two hours into this polite bullshit introductory hell scape (I am fine with meeting new people in large groups but I hate meeting people in “sterile corporate” settings, like, if I’m going to remember you, it’s because you did something actually meaningful or interesting, NOT because you shook my hand for five seconds and said you go by Steve or Becky…)

Me, to EVERYONE because my job is to Hand Out Shirts and Lunchboxes: Hi! I’m the new girl from Safety! Who are you exactly? Please don’t expect me to remember you, I’m terrible at putting names and faces together, but I’m sure we’ll talk again soon! What size T-shirt do you want? Here’s your lunch box!

Me: *finally gets a break and sits down to eat some honestly decent brauts and potato salad, deliberately choosing to sit next to one of the drivers that’s been at the company for a while* Hi, how’s it going? I’m the new safety girl!

Older driver whose name I don’t know YET: I’m doin’ pretty good with all this free food. So, you gonna stick around after the little one comes along, or are you gonna leave us high and dry like the last one?

Me, honestly pretty angry but trying to be cool: Not pregnant, just fat.

*very very very awkward silence, like this dude knew that he fucked up, but also the way my body is shaped I really don’t blame him for thinking what he did*

He did actually apologize right then and there, and honestly the entire way he went about everything was from a genuinely good place, and I personally thought it was funny after it was all said and done. Verbal on the spot forgiveness type stuff.

Guess who fucks up the very next day by UNINTENTIONALLY losing a very important document of the exact driver who “insulted” me?

Yeah. So. I spent my entire first week on a brand new job searching through three giant filing cabinets and 20 years worth of documents for ONE fucking medical card. I didn’t find it. Believe me, I looked at every single piece of paper in those cabinets, I have no fucking clue where I put it.

The driver was really nice about it and we had a good laugh about him putting his foot in his mouth and me swearing up and down I didn’t do it for revenge.

Honestly I have no idea how any of this will turn out, but every one seems nice so far so I’m really hopeful.

[cosmerelists]

Do the Cosmere Secret Projects Follow the Rules of the Cosmere?

[Big spoilers for Sanderson Secret Projects #1, #3, and #4!]

A while ago, I wrote a list proposing some Rules of the Cosmere--aka, trends or themes that tended to crop up in most Cosmere works. Now that I've read all of the Secret Projects, though, I had to wonder: do they also follow the definitely ironclad rules that I once proposed? Let's consider!

1. Don’t feed the children

Summary of Rule: If you try to feed a hungry child in a Cosmere book, something terrible will happen.

Off to a bad start! I don't think this rule came up at all. I don't recall any children being fed, really.

2. Once Marriage is On The Table, Breakups Don’t Really Happen

Summary of Rule: Once characters get to the point of marriage, be they engaged or in an arranged marriage or just solidly A Thing, it is rare for them to break up.

Yes, the secret projects did adhere to this rule, I think! The best example is from Tress--I remember how SHOCKED I was when word came that the Duke's son really had gotten married. I was like, "How is that possible? Sanderson would NEVER allow a couple like Tress and Charlie to be broken up by Charlie marrying someone else!" And then, of course, it wasn't Charlie at all. Charlie stayed single...until he could get back together with Tress. In Yumi and the Nightmare Painter, the romance was pretty much between Yumi and Painter--not even death could prevent that. Sigzil sadly did not have a lot of time for romance in The Sunlit Man, so the rule didn't really come into play there.

3. Your enemy will save you...if the sexual tension is high enough

Summary of Rule: An enemy with enough sexual tension will often sacrifice themself to save the other person.

Honestly, I don't think we really had this in any of the Cosmere Secret projects? The only fierce enemies I can think of would be Tress & Crow or Sigzil & the Ember King...but there wasn't any sacrifice-to-save-the-other going on there.

4. Your fave is (accidentally) queer

Summary of Rule: Sanderson loves to write characters who are deeply deeply queer without seeming to realize it.

Oh yes--this rule is eternal, and the Secret Projects did not disappoint. There's Yumi herself, Miss "Oh-my-god-I-just-saw-a-goddess," our (second?) favorite bisexual queen (does Sanderson know he made a lady bi again?). And then in the Sunlit Man, there's an exchange that I'm not sure is actually an accidental queering since it seemed so blatant, when Rebeke was asked if she was now "The Sunlit Woman" and replied "No, the Sunlit One." Is there a way to read that other than as nobinary/genderqueer?

5. Don’t trust the underling priest!

Summary of Rule: If betrayal is happening, it's probably the fault of the nearest underling priest.

Honestly, I think the only "priests" we had were in Yumi, and if anything, this was a deconstruction. The "head priestess" would be Liyun, I think, and she was horrible and abusive. The "underlings," Chaeyung and Hwanji were actually far more supportive and actually told Yumi some about what was really going on. So I guess in these books you should trust the underling priest(esses).

6. (per @twitcherpated) If there are same gender siblings, there will be a romantic triangle involving them.

Summary of Role: If there are two brothers and two sisters, they will inevitably be romantically linked to the same person.

I agree with this rule addition proposed by twitcherpated, which does crop up over and over again in the Cosmere. But in the Secret Projects, I think the only same-gender siblings we had were Rebeke and Elegy, and I don't think it works with them. Like, I suppose you could imagine a love triangle with Sigzil...but I don't really buy it. Rebeke was interested in Sigzil, but he didn't reciprocate, and Elegy was too busy loving the thrill of murder to have a romantic interest in Sigzil herself. I guess they both did want Sigzil to themselves, in a way. So maybe it does kinda work?

7. Hoid is there

Summary of Rule: Hoid likes to show up wherever plot is happening

Yes! The Secret Projects 100% adhere to this rule. Hoid is the narrator in Tress and Yumi, and he shows up briefly in The Sunlit Man. Hoid will not be stopped.

[justporo]

The moon and the stars

A Night of Fake Smiles and Hidden Lies: Part 2

Author's Note: In which Tav and Astarion continue preparing for the ball - and it almost broke me to describe their clothing (this fic really makes me break out a dictionary way too often...)

Song: Suit & Tie - Justin Timberlake

Pairing: Astarion/Fem!Tav Rating: Explicit Warnings: none

CHAPTER LIST | PREVIOUS CHAPTER | NEXT CHAPTER

~~~

When you finally left the bathroom, you felt indeed pleasantly relaxed – physically and mentally. Astarion had made you put on a fancy silken robe he had gotten for you as a gift. The smooth fabric felt pleasantly cool on your skin and you couldn’t stop looking at the wonderful floral pattern it had and its deep red colour. Astarion, in the meantime, had slipped into a similar robe made of satin that was obviously the match for yours in pattern and colour.

“Come with me, my love, I have something else for you”, Astarion said with a promising smile and led you to your joint bedroom. Surely, there he had already placed a bottle of wine and two goblets for you on a sidetable next to the chaise longue you had also placed in this room. “You really got to stop showering me with gifts, Astarion, I can’t keep up with you”, you laughed when you saw the dress laid out on the bed. Next to it was a doublet, shirt, vest and pants.

“Firstly: no, I don’t! Secondly, you don’t have to! And thirdly, it was a gift for myself as much as for you, my love”, Astarion responded and went over to the small table to pour you some wine.

“You really thoroughly prepared all this, didn’t you?”, you asked as you walked closer to the bed to take a closer look at the dress laying there. You were intimidated by the thought of wearing something so unusual for you – but you’d be lying if you didn’t admit that you also felt pretty excited. Wasn’t this what so many girls and women dreamt of? Being a princess, at least one time in your life, dancing with your partner in a castle? In your case with your regal prince?

Just that your prince happened to be a very sassy vampire; but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

You giggled at the thought which caught Astarion’s attention. “What’s there to giggle, my love?”, he asked looking at you with suspicion as he came over to you and offered you the goblet with wine. “Oh, nothing. Just thinking about how you’d make a terrible prince on a white horse.” Astarion looked confused for a second, then snorted: “Yeah well, for that sort of thing you should have chosen Wyll, my sweet.” He took a swig of wine and so did you.

“Nah”, you replied after that and made a face. “I love my snarky little vampire way too much for that.” You smiled at him and gave him a kiss.

“I don’t know where the ‘little’ comes from, but anyways. I love you too, my sweet princess, now go look at the dress I brought you or I’ll take it back”, Astarion teased after the kiss and motioned towards the bed with his head.

So, you finally strode over and took in the garment: It was a striking deep blue that became lighter and a wonderful shade of purple up to lavender further down the skirt – impressively similar to the colours the sky turned when the sun set. It had a high collar that didn’t fully close around the neck in the front, so it allowed for a deep neckline that almost looked like a four-pointed star and long flowy sleeves that from the elbows down became cascading trains of fabric. The bodice was decorated with embroidered bigger four-point stars and smaller sparkles in silver and a few shiny stones. From the slender belt around the waistline down it became a luscious silken skirt that was carefully draped with few more star decorations that became fewer the more the colours lightened.

It was quite frankly stunning. Regal and elegant, but not overly flamboyant which would have been something you would have never felt comfortable to wear. And the most important thing: no corset. You wouldn’t have believed it, but you were actually excited to put this garment on.

You turned to Astarion with a huge grin who carefully expected your reaction. “You delivered on your promise to not make me wear a corset”, you cheerfully exclaimed. “And?”, drawled Astarion raising his eyebrows and lowering his gaze at you expectantly. Shortly, you considered making a joke, but you saw how genuinely excited Astarion looked so you went with the truth: “It’s incredibly beautiful and I am indeed pretty excited to put it on and see what it looks like on me.” To that Astarion’s eyes started shining with joy and love. “Neither can I, beautiful”, he cooed and pulled you in with one arm to nuzzle his nose against your cheek.

“Did you do the embroidery yourself?”, you asked while you wrapped your arm not occupied with wine around his waist and kept looking at the dress. “Well, of course”, the vampire replied. You could feel his chest rise with pride – and rightfully so.

“Let me take a look at your outfit before I get dressed”, you said after a while and took a sip of wine. You untangled yourself from Astarion and stepped closer to the bed again to where his clothes were laying next to yours.

Quite obviously his shirt, vest, doublet and pants were made to match your dress – or maybe it had rather been the other way around. The shirt was simple: white, with a high collar and some lace details at the hems. The pants already were more intricate: black leather that at first looked quite plain but patterns of swirls and undulations were pressed into it all over. The vest was very similar to your bodice, also with a high neck but the shade was an even darker blue and it closed at the front with intricate silver clasps all over the chest. Of course, it had some embroidery as well.

But the doublet was the centre piece of it all: You could see that the satin cloth – being the same shade of blue as the vest - had the same swirls as a pattern as the pants but it only became visible in the right angle of light. The front was intricately embroidered with silver stars. Smaller stars formed bigger stars and those an even bigger symmetrical pattern. Smaller parts of embroidery were placed on the sleeves and the hems. The button border was completely worked in silver thread, every silver button had a star on it and was closed with silver cord.

You were in awe. You were pretty sure you had never seen a finer piece of clothing. And knowing that Astarion had done the embroidery work himself – your jaw dropped. “You’ve outdone yourself”, you whispered, still awestruck.

“Ah well, I mean, I only picked out the pieces and did the embroi-“ “Shut up and take the compliment, Astarion, humbleness doesn’t become you”, you immediately stopped him with a raised finger and looked at him. He closed his opened mouth and shrugged: “I mean, we are going to look gorgeous.” “Better! Now then – time to dress?” You looked at Astarion who only grinned at you and nodded.

You put down your remaining wine and carefully lifted up the dress while Astarion sat or rather laid down on the chaise longue. Leaning back on one of his arms, his robe opened up and you could see his bare chest beneath. When you looked at him quizzically, he said: “Don’t mind me, my love, I just wanted to get comfortable to enjoy the show.” He grinned at you lewdly and you immediately felt some of the heat from earlier come back.

You decided to just get going. You looked at the dress in your hands for a few more moments and then put it back down to free your hands when you saw that there had been something else laying under it.

Obviously, Astarion had picked out some lacey underwear to go with the dress. It was intricately worked, the same shade of blue as the dress – also an awful lot of nothing. You blushed and threw Astarion a glance whose grin only had become naughtier at you making the discovery.

“This looks more complicated to put on than the dress to be honest”, you whispered a bit coyly suddenly – almost more to yourself than to him. “You don’t have to, my sweet, call it merely a suggestion if you would”, Astarion said and got up to stand behind you. He grabbed you by the waist and leaned down to whisper to you: “If you don’t feel comfortable with it, that’s absolutely fine.” He pressed a soft kiss to your pointy ear. “No, I want to”, you immediately exclaimed.

“Good, because I’d love to tear it off you with my teeth later”, Astarion responded with a husky whisper and a tone that dripped with sinful promise like molten chocolate. He pressed another kiss to your cheek and went back to nonchalantly lounge on the chaise longue while you felt your blush grow and your eyes widen.

“One of these days you’re going to kill me saying stuff like this”, you breathed out. The vampire chuckled: “Only by saying? My love, I haven’t even started the doing.” By all the Gods – you had to turn away from him as he kept laughing and sipping his wine.

You carefully put on the lingerie while you were painfully aware of Astarion’s gaze burning into your back. But you didn’t turn around again – firstly, because you wouldn’t give him that present yet. And secondly, because you were scared the evening would be over way too quickly if you did.

Then you put on the dress. It had a long row of buttons down the back, so Astarion had to come over again to help you. And he did so by giving your neck a kiss for every button his fingers closed.

When he was done – the last button had earned you several kisses – he stepped back. “Turn around for me, darling?”, he asked almost shyly. You did, slowly while you looked down at yourself and could already feel yourself getting giddy.

“How do I look, my love?”, you asked coyly and softly swayed from side to side while gazing at Astarion through your lashes.

The vampire was speechless, his face was basically in shock as his eyes wandered up and down over your body. And then up again. And then down again!

“Like a goddess, my heart, like a vision”, he finally said while still unable to rip his ruby eyes off you. “Give me a twirl, my love”, he then exclaimed and clapped his hands. You happily fulfilled his wish. In fact, you did one or two bonus rounds and kept laughing the whole time. You could feel the skirt fly around you. “On this exception I would have loved a mirror to take a quick peek at how I look”, you said as you stopped turning, your cheeks flushed.

The vampire softly grabbed your hands: “Oh, way ahead of you, Tav.” He made you turn to the far corner of your bedroom where you saw what must’ve been the big heavy package, he had brought home yesterday with all the other stuff.

“You bought a mirror?”, you asked and furrowed your brows. “I thought we did agree on no mirrors in our house.” “Surely, my sweet, and I appreciate the notion, but… I wanted you to be able to look at yourself!”, Astarion replied and strode over to the floor-length mirror he had thus far kept covered with a sheet.

“Voilà!”, he exclaimed as he dragged off the cloth and revealed your reflection in the mirror as he stood beside it. You were stunned as you looked at yourself.

Thankfully, you still recognised yourself. It was still you. But you looked regal and elegant. Unconsciously you straightened your back and lifted your chin up a little which made Astarion grin – he knew exactly that he’d done an incredible job.

You lifted your arms, watched as the trains of cloth flowed down beneath your elbows, you watched the skirts move swiftly as you turned. Safe to say you had probably never felt this beautiful in your life. Astarion beamed at you. “Come over here, sweetheart, take a closer look”, he encouraged you. Then he quickly leaned over the rim of the mirror. “Ah, sadly still nothing”, he quipped and then went off as you stepped closer and admired the details of the dress.

“I still feel bad about having a mirror now”, you shouted back at Astarion while you leaned to your reflection to admire the craftsmanship of the embroidery. “Oh, don’t be, love. I’m used to it by now and you’re only going to make me sappy”, he answered from somewhere from the other corner of the room.

You kept looking at yourself, not fully believing that this was really happening, when suddenly something was dangling in front of your face.

Astarion had snuck up on you – and of course – there had been no reflection in the mirror to spot his arrival. Now, a piece of jewellery was lowered onto you slowly.

“Really? Another gift, Astarion?”, you asked mockingly in anger. “Hush, this is the last one, now look!”, he scolded you as he closed the clasp at the back of your neck. Then he let his hands softly rest on your shoulders.

It was a necklace with a round and beautiful moonstone set in gold, though the colour of the stone matched nicely with the decorum on your dress. It sparkled softly in different colours where it perfectly sat at the dip of your collar bone – and a perfect centre piece for your neckline. You reached at it with your fingertips. It wasn’t even incredibly excessive or flamboyant, just very delicately beautiful. And you immediately knew you would wear it every day.

“You’ve become my sun, Tav”, Astarion spoke solemnly. Surprised by his sudden mood change you threw a quick glance over your shoulder. The vampire looked longingly at your mirror image. His red eyes were glistening with warmth and almost seemed like they were tearing up. He didn’t stop looking at you in the mirror.

“And then… you gave up the sun for me and became my moon as well. The light of my life.” His eyes lit up even more saying that. “If I only can make up for that a tiny bit by showering you with gifts, adoring and loving you every day of my immortal life and keeping you safe and happy, then I’ll happily provide you with that as long as I am able to.” His voice almost broke but his eyes were incredibly bright.

Your eyes welled up. You turned around and grabbed his hands off your shoulders, looking deeply into his eyes. “It’s not all me though. You changed my life, taught me that I was worth more”, you spoke, your voice barely coming out as more than a whisper. You pulled his hands to your chest as he leaned his forehead softly onto yours. You felt the tears coming and saw that his eyes were almost running over as well: “You’re the one that’s guiding me. You’re my stars, Astarion, my whole firmament!”

Tags: @aurasyn @margoteve @usuallyunlikelyfox @hollowmasque @worryknotdear

[they-lived]

The Veilguard Post

I have a lot of thoughts about the new Dragon Age game.

Spoilers for all games and critical analysis below (and I do mean critical I have some nice things to say and some really not nice things to say) if you’re not here for that kind of content then keep scrolling….

Alright now that we’re alone, my beloved, I have some big thoughts about this game.

First, let me introduce myself as a Dragon Age player. Years ago I started trying to play Inquisition because I wanted to play my first real big kid game (I was like… 15 I think) but I was very lost so I went to my brother who gave me Origins and his copy of DA2 and told me to ask him if I had any questions.

I played over 500 hours of Origins - I played every origin, romanced every companion, played every angle and got every single stinking achievement the game had on offer INCLUDING all of the DLC achievements. I loved the hell out of that game and honestly still believe it is one of the best games I’ve ever played. It taught me how to mod! I love modding my games now and she’s the reason!

I didn’t love DA2 nearly as much but I still enjoyed parts of it. Honestly, if the game had ended after Act 2 I would have probably loved it just as much, I just feel like it doesn’t hold its drama very well at the end and truly if the Anders confrontation had more gravitas to it I would have enjoyed it a lot more. For context, I’ve only played her three times but I did help my sister play through all three games in their entirety. So to be clear I have played through romances for Fenris, Sebastian, and Isabela, and my sister romanced Anders (yes I did watch Merril’s romance so I do know what happens in that one as well).

Inquisition was my pandemic game, I played the hell out of her. I have easily clocked close to a thousand hours in that game between all five playthroughs because I was mentally unwell during the pandemic lol, but I digress. I played that game as much as I could, modded it to high heaven and unplayability frankly. I romanced Cullen, Dorian, Cassandra, Bull, and Solas (if I go back and do another playthrough which is likely at this point, frankly, I’m open to doing Josephine or Blackwall). Trespasser is an all-timer for me, one of the best DLC expansions I have ever seen, I was gagged, gooped, dead and deceased on the FLOOR.

All of this to say, my love for these games runs deep (I have a whole world in mind that I may one day bring myself to fully write but alas… Idk man shit’s hard). I wrote fan fic for this world and I cherish it deeply.

So… Veilguard… honestly, I was expecting it to be worse, I was expecting to hate it. I went in knowing it had been stuck in production hell for 10 years, had cycled through writers and layoffs, you name it, they suffered through it. But while what we got was not terrible… it was not great either.

I will say, I enjoyed some quests and some ideas in there. Here’s a short list:

The siege at Weisshaupt was a treasure, it even made me briefly enjoy gameplay! (I universally play on easy mode but this one felt smart)

Solas being inside of your head when you’re trying to get to Elgar’nan’s arch demon was dope as hell

All of Emmrich’s quest was exceptional, especially the ending was firing on all cylinders. Truly a great quest

When I got Lucanis romance it was pretty stellar (just lacking in content which we’ll get to)

Honestly, having my romanced inquisitor ending was satisfying for me. Really, I was getting the flutters in my heart watching it.

Ok so… now lets get into why you’re really here, the disappointments. In ten parts because I have too much to say apparently.

Let’s start with the art: I know some people love what they did with the art style and I will say I appreciate that they stuck with the style throughout and made the game feel cohesive… I still felt like it was too fortnite cartoon-y for what I prefer in a Dragon Age game.

Second: The companions… I feel like… I feel like this was ‘therap-ize your friends’ the game at times. The amount of times I only responded with ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘you’re allowed to feel that way’ or ‘this is hard’ was so often I genuinely wondered at times if it was the same sound bite being played every time.

I heard someone say that you can’t even be mean in this game and I-... they’re right… you can’t really be mean in this game. I can’t unsee it. And this is coming from someone who played a full evil campaign of Baulder’s Gate 3 and had to play a sixth time to cleanse my soul after being a meanie and feeling dirty about it… I believe being evil and cruel (or at least being a dick) is kind of essential in an RPG and I personally feel like you should be able to disagree with your companions and make them hate you.

I don’t recruit Sera anymore because she bothers me, I don’t love Merril or Fenris and I straight up hate Morrigan (more on this later) and Oghren, and the games before allowed me to be a bitch to them if I wanted to.

In this game I vaguely like my companions but they all feel like ideas and not people. I didn’t like Sera but she felt like a person, so did Merril and Morrigan - they’re people and I don’t like every person. My least favorite companion in this game is Neve and she’s not offensively bad, just a vague idea of a cynical detective who fights the man and doesn’t take anyone’s shit… but beyond that… nothing.

We spend a lot of the companion quests just kind of… walking around and talking to them… but I feel like I don’t actually learn about them. I think that half of my companions avoid this - Davrin, Harding, and Emmrich feel like fully realized characters with passions and history. Their walk and talk quests felt more immersive and like I was genuinely learning about a new friend and I enjoyed it but too few of my companions sucked me in this way.

Bellara constantly talks about how hard things are and how much she misses her brother (and also her romance serials which are my favorite interactions with her). Taash’s mother is the most interesting part about them and their arc is just not very compelling (or tied to basically anything else happening in the game beyond the Dragon King is working with the evanuris but I digress). And Lucanis… dear sweet Lucanis you had so much potential but they stuck you in a predictable story and gave Spite no actual substance. Also apparently Spite is a spirit of determination which I had to find out from Solas at the end of the game… like huh? What? Excuse me? Why wasn’t that explored more? That's a fascinating concept.

Who are these people? They’re just kind of… vaguely awkward, supposedly good at their jobs, and wasted potential.

I think that’s what it comes down to for me. There’s so much potential to have really interesting characters here. If you want me to do a deep dive on how I would re-write these characters let me know maybe I’ll do it lol. This post is already long enough.

Third: Romance full disclosure, I fall into the category of - I want my RPG to also be a dating sim - so this one I get is not everyone’s cup of tea… that having been said the romances in this game are really lacking. Not only are they flat or uninteresting there is practically no content!

I romanced Lucanis and I genuinely mean this - when I did get romantic scenes with him I loved them. They were sweet and tender but so few and far between it didn’t feel earned. I loved the scene after being pulled out of the Fade prison - I replayed it like six times. I felt like it was so sweet and so well executed and I craved more of that.

Watching the other romances it’s clear that this game lacks content for the romances, full stop. Everyone gets a grand total of about half an hour of content for their romance start to finish. And like… huh? Why? Dragon Age is known for its romances! Even the more surface level romances in other games have more going for them!

Sebastian’s romance is easily the weakest romance in any DA game and I think that his romance somehow still has more content that’s actually romantic than any of Veilgaurd’s… and listen I know I’m the rare Sebastian defender but his rival-mance (the superior option imo) requires you to challenge him and his faith. It’s interesting, it’s got substance and grit and is thought provoking… Veilgaurd doesn’t offer that.

I’ve watched all the romances at this point and it seems that - once again - Emmrich has the most content. Davrin and Harding are close behind, but all of them still lack true romance. Half the time the flirtatious option just reads as being nice and there’s so little pay off that arguing these romances are slow burn is dead on arrival in my opinion.

Not to mention that most of the romantic scenes are interrupted by something goofy or awkward. Lucanis, Neve, and Emmrich all have kisses that are interrupted for one reason or another and frankly I didn’t care for it. It felt like padding and I want my romances to be more present.

Fourth: And this one is big for me. Your choices basically don’t matter… like at all.

I need it to be known that my friends and I regularly call big choices in our DnD games ‘Dragon Age choices’ these games are hugely influential in how we run our DnD games. We love a morally gray, ambiguous, ‘things will never be perfect make the choice you can live with’ type of stakes. And this game frankly has none.

There are three big choices in this game - by my count - and none of them have weight or substance. The only companion that has one even remotely close to the other games is Emmrich’s - which I will admit took me all the way the fuck out and I genuinely couldn’t decide if we should resurrect Manfred or let Emmrich become immortal. I was floored by his quest in general.

Anyway, big ‘choices’ in this game are as follows:

Save Minrathous or Treviso

Punch the First Warden or talk him down

Let Harding or Davrin Live

So following my first playthrough I knew I wanted to romance Lucanis so I saved Treviso and I was initially taken aback by how fucked things were in Minrathous… except they’re not really that fucked to be honest. Yes the venatori took over… and yes the Shadow Dragons go into hiding… but you still have access to the dragons and the Viper - even infected with blight - lives throughout the rest of the damn game.

Like… huh? I thought this would be pivotal. In Origins once you leave Lothering you literally cannot return because the blight is beyond devastating. It’s horrific, blight sickness is so horrible that in DA2 you have to kill Aveline’s husband and one of your siblings either dies or becomes a warden, it’s so bad that nothing can be done about it. But the Viper just casually sticks around for the rest of the game and the Shadow Dragons can still help you in the end. Not to mention that either Bellara or Neve can be cured of the blight at the end of the game for some reason…

Can you imagine in Inquisition if you still got to hang out with the Templars after Samson absolutely decimates them? Like… that would simply not happen and I like that each game gets a different minor villain and ending based on your choices, it’s juicy, it’s diabolical, it’s interesting. It inspires further investigation and playthroughs.

I understand that not every choice can matter in a video game because then a game would just be impossible to play and that’s what DnD is for… but BG3 did just fine and they have dozens of choices that really matter (note I have clocked 700 hours in BG3 over 7 playthroughs including evil playthroughs). Within the franchise you have dozens of choices that really matter. Hell in Origins the Redcliff quest has about four different endings at least, depending on how and when you do it. We’re not asking for a lot, we’re asking for what is honestly, at this point, an industry standard for an RPG.

Punching the First Warden or not is such a minor decision all things considered that like… it genuinely baffles me that it’s even a choice at all because even when you knock his ass out cold he still staggers back to the fight and gets pulled into the abyss. Sure, you’ll see him later in Davrin’s quest and he can react differently to you based on this choice but there’s just… no weight to it. The Wardens still help you, you cannot lock yourself out of any of the factions, you can please everyone. Which I love doing in a DA game don’t get me wrong - but it’s much more satisfying when I have to work for a good ending where everyone’s happy.

I think of Redcliff in Origins or Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts in Inquisition, these quests have choices that matter and you have to work to make sure you get the ending you want. Saving Isolde and Connor in Redcliff takes work; getting the exact right combo of rulers in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts, takes work. It’s not easily handed to you, you have to pursue it by interacting with the world around you and understanding what’s actually going on.

The Harding vs. Davrin choice is so cheap and I really have no other way to describe it. First, we have no reason to believe that this choice will lead to the death of our companion, especially since we’ve spent all this time making sure we level them up and follow their quest lines to their end. But that doesn’t matter, it feels like it was done for shock value more than a story reason. It’s not even really brought up again except for brief mentions in the Lighthouse before the final march. They’re also the only ones who get locked into this type of ending which makes it feel even cheaper!

Neve and Bellara can be saved even after being infected with the blight and no I’m not over it! It’s just a real slap in the face that Davrin or Harding - two of the best characters in the game imo - are sent to their death for what feels like no reason except that… checks notes… their idea was better in your opinion? They don’t even die on their side mission, they die WITH YOU IN A CUT SCENE. It doesn’t matter what you do, one of them will die and I wouldn’t mind that except… no one else is ever put into this kind of peril.

It also feels like no other choice I made up until that point matters. It doesn’t matter that Davrin and I chose to release the Griffons to forge a new path, it doesn’t matter that Harding chose forgiveness instead of being consumed by the rage of her ancestors. It doesn’t matter that we helped the gray wardens or that I asked Harding about the inquisition or that I took them on any number of side quests, it doesn’t matter if you romance them.

You just pick which of them you don’t mind finishing the game without and that’s that. It’s grinding my gears the more I think about it so let's move on.

Fifth: The Morrigan of it all… Okay, full disclosure, I’m a Morrigan hater. I find her romance in Origins gross, I think it’s stupid she became an advisor to the Orlesian Empress in Inquisition (homegirl was raised in a swamp, what do you MEAN she’s an advisor to the Empress!?!?), and I hate that her solution to your problems is trust me intrinsically and also let me have sex with someone who expressly does not want to. BUT I truly did enjoy the Mythal lore and Morrigan becoming Mythal is interesting.

Just one itsy-bitsy problem is that I just spent three whole games spanning in-game decades trying to make sure this didn’t fucking happen. And yet, here we are, with this… happening. Ooooo Bioware when I catch you it’s on SIGHT. Not only does this make everything else you did with her feel like a colossal waste of time… it ultimately feels like nothing mattered. Who cares if I spent two in game decades handing Morrigan her own autonomy on a silver platter? Who cares that I did everything in my power to make sure she could do what she wanted instead of bending to the whims of her abusive mother?

Ignoring the fact that apparently Morrigan and Isabela (who are both easily in their 50s at this point, remember how Wynne was barely cresting 50 and the game treated her like she was a granny?) haven’t aged a day cause I guess women can’t age… did anything I do matter? We get a weird vague line from Isabela about family and Morrigan seems to think she and the inquisitor are besties… which they are reluctant allies at best in most playthroughs I’ve seen and played. And oh by the way, that kid she maybe had, that could be an elder god? Yeah he either doesn’t exist or she’s an absent parent whoopsie.

Sixth: The lore… I understand this game is trying to take the world in a new direction but this was not the way to do it. We could have gotten a better shot at a DA2 type of game. A smaller, more contained story but they went scorched earth with so much that it feels… like a huge let down.

Not to mention that as a recovering catholic I loved the lore of the Chantry. I loved dissecting the intricacies of a huge religious institution that has good people but a rotten core. Examining faith and how sinister it is when institutions get a hold of something that imbues so much meaning into people's daily lives was genuinely cathartic for me. And this game basically tells you that the chantry is wrong and to go fuck yourself because it doesn’t matter and it never did. It takes away so much nuance and realism within its own lore (not to mention they just hand wave it off when Harding rightfully brings this up as an earth shattering moment for her. What a weird thing to ignore). The answer is Elves, if you have a question the answer is elves, and I’m sorry I don’t love that answer. I’d rather have no answer, I’d rather be able to draw my own conclusions.

I love how nuanced and messy the lore of Thedas is, personally. I loved learning about how twisted the Qun is and how fucked Antiva is and that Ferelden is no better. I found it so fascinating no one place is good and just. They really did some revisionist history with Tevinter and especially the Crows (this game had one too many freedom fighter groups for my liking but I digress). All interest, morally gray intrigue, and nuance was sapped out of the world. All the bad guys are venatori or antaam, all the answers are Elves did it, and it feels so… devoid of intrigue. It was such a let down.

At no time did I ever feel conflicted about what I was doing, at no time did things ever make me question if I was doing the right thing. I never even really had to think very hard about what I was doing because most choices were pretty benign, like I could do no wrong, like I was being spoonfed my heroism. I didn’t have to think, for the most part, and that makes me sad.

Seventh: Varric… oh Varric… my sweet beloved child they did that to you didn’t they? I don’t inherently have a problem with Varric dying, honestly I don’t. The execution, however (pun intended), was garbage. I echo what others have said… why is Varric the one chasing after Solas? Varric was close to everyone in the inquisition, sure, but I’m not sure he and Solas were besties.

If Cole were the one going after Solas I’d get it. If it were Bull going after Solas to beat the shit out of him, I’d get it. If it was Dorian going after him because he’s the closest in proximity I’d get it… but Varric being the one to try talking him down ‘because he’s my friend!’ is frankly, bad writing. I feel like the team wanted to send him off but this was not it fam. Varric does love his friends this deeply… but for Solas it feels wrong and weird and (dare I say it?) out of character.

Honestly, if they had him actually be alive in the Lighthouse and being that mentor figure I would have much preferred it. I could have overlooked the narrative wonky-ness if Varric had lived… but him being dead pissed me off. I can't even lie about it. It felt like shock value for shock value’s sake and I hated it.

It feels like we should have been with the Inquisitor tracking Solas down or at least hired by them… but instead we get dead Varric and no substance… awesome.

Eighth: The God’s Prison… of all the weird retconn-y odd narrative choices that were made this one irks me the most… just… the very concept of Solas and the other gods not being able to get themselves out of the Fade prison but you can is so… just dumb honestly. I think, in theory, the idea that you have to work through your regrets to release yourself from that prison is actually really interesting… but here’s the problem with that:

Solas did work through his regrets and he has been able to let go at least somewhat. He knows what he did was wrong and he wants to change… He’s just the king of over correction lol. I just find it laughable that you can get out of this supposedly impenetrable prison but no elven god can because they’re too proud. Elgar’nan and Ghilan’nain I can buy, but Solas I simply don’t buy it. It’s just… I don’t know, truly laughable is the only word I can use to describe it.

You’re telling me that Solas - who learned about the power of friendship and individual autonomy all throughout Inquisition - hasn’t learned to navigate his regret? Solas who can look romanced quizzie dead in the eye and tell her ‘I love you, you taught me so much about this world and I am still learning. I’m going to end this. I’m going to fix my mistakes. I’m going to make the world better.’ hasn’t had to grapple with what he’s done? Are y’all for real Bioware?

Ninth: Solas… Solas, Solas, Solas, my sweet summer child, you are the biggest case study of missed opportunity that I see in this game. I think he was severely underutilized, talking to him, his memories, and just having him around was genuinely the best part of this game for me. I love him fighting with Elgar’nan in my head, I love him being saucy with me in my dreams, and the romanced quizzy ending is cannon to me. But he just wasn’t present enough! He felt like a vague threat but I also… I also don’t really think this game did enough to make him a threat.

In Trespasser I genuinely feared this man, I thought ‘oh fuck we aren’t going to be able to stop him easily’ but then he is just… so easily taken out it’s laughable.

I think this game’s biggest flaw is that we get no build up to Solas as Rook. This game relies on the fact that you know Solas from Inquisition but then we don’t even really get that Solas (see bad ending where he calls himself a god oh Bioware I am in your YARD he would never say that). If we spent the whole game trying to find him, gathering allies, looking for clues only to meet him at the end and triumph by sealing him away… only to find out we released the evanuris into the world (obvious sequel bait is obvious but hey games do what they must) that would have been dope as hell!

I feel like the writers of this game felt like they had to deliver a sequel when honest to goodness I think it would have been much better if they didn’t. I think if this game had been divorced from the main series and truly had an independent story it could have been great. I keep saying if this game was a precursor to the ‘let’s take down Solas’ game it would have been epic. If this game introduced us to Rook and co, then at the end we meet the inquisitor and they’re like, “Hey losers do you wanna save the world!?” That would have been so cool.

But at the end of the day it IS a sequel and it’s a bad sequel. I truly like this game when it’s not trying to follow up Inquisition, but as a sequel it fails at every hurdle. Solas is a fascinating villain, he is a character I adore and really find interesting, compelling, tragic, and downright terrifying. And they didn’t use him to his fullest extent at all.

In theory - Rook is Solas’s foil. We get to accomplish what he couldn’t, saving the world and all that… but Rook and Solas are not actually parallels, their life experiences and their goals are nowhere near aligned enough to make this argument. If Solas were really watching us become him or if we saw ourselves becoming Solas that would have been interesting. Instead, Solas points out our similarities ‘you’re willing to do whatever it takes’ or ‘you’ve got fire and passion to do the right thing’ or ‘you do what’s right and say fuck the man when you need to’ but our reasons feel achingly hollow compared to his. We are not the same. So him thanking us at the end of the game feels out of place. He should be thanking the inquisitor for coming back to him - because really she is the one who saves him. Her love saves him, Rook just bought her time to get to him.

What sucks is that Solas is so endlessly interesting to me. This is a character that created this world and he regrets it. Can you imagine a god that regrets their creation? That idea has me physically unwell and they squandered it.

Tenth: The thesis of this game. Now let me start off by saying, not all games NEED a thesis. But some of them have them regardless and the Dragon Age games like having something to say. So bear with me while I opine about a very watered down thesis for each game. And it could be argued these games have multiple or different ones than I present but this is my hear me out post, get your own, lol.

Origins poses the question ‘how far will you go to save the world?’ We are constantly asked to do morally dubious things to save the world. Do we recruit slave labor from the Golems for a better army? Do we save the Circle mages or do we let the templars slaughter them? Do we recruit Loghain as a gray warden knowing the crimes he has committed? Do we let Morrigan conceive a god baby to save our own life? These questions are answered by our choices and it makes this game interesting. It makes each Hero of Ferelden different and it makes our choices matter, people we meet and grow to care for live or die by our decisions and it makes the player feel important.

DA2’s thesis is ‘we are the product of our circumstances’. DA2 is, at its heart, a tragedy, people are victims of their circumstances, including Hawke. No matter what we do, we lose our siblings and our mother to circumstances beyond our control, with or without our heroism. No matter what we do the qunari will rampage through the city. No matter what we do the chantry is destroyed and we must side with the templars or mages. Yet, in spite of the horror, Hawke can choose how they respond to their situation. We get to choose to be kind or brutal, we can choose to seek justice or be pulled through it kicking and screaming. We are dealt a shit hand at every turn, what we choose to do with it matters.

Inquisition’s thesis is ‘how do we forgive in the face of corruption?’ Every organization we meet in Inquisition is corrupt as fuck. They are terrible, they treat others without dignity or care, they spit in the face of decency but WE can change that. We as the player can step in and be the change we want to see in the world, literally. We can beat back corruption and evil with compassion and understanding… or you know, we can make them worse, because Inquisition gives you the option to be a dick if you want. We are tasked with saving the world and we can either be selfish about it like every other organization we encounter or we can be the altruistic light in the darkness - the dawn in an otherwise bleak future.

It feels like the thesis of Veilguard is ‘you can’t do anything alone’ when it should have been ‘what are you willing to sacrifice for the greater good’ or even better ‘it is easy to become the very thing you fought against’.

We spend the whole game watching how Solas made the hard choices in a losing fight, that he became something he never wanted to be because all he saw was the end result and not what was being lost along the way. Solas was a good leader, Solas had people fighting with him, and Solas was not afraid to make sacrifices for the greater good. Which would have been fascinating if we - Rook - had any hard choices to make at all and could relate to that.

We tread dangerously close to something great in this vein, the idea that we can be good leaders, get the job done, and do minimal harm - but it is done in such a way that it is made seriously unrealistic and uninteresting. We get through mostly unscathed with minimal losses that we care about beyond the vague answer of ‘normal people died/got hurt’ but we never really see that (don’t get me started on the mourning scene in the final battle, I was surrounded by sheets? I can only assume if your friends died you’d see their faces but mine didn’t soooooo). We are a better leader than Solas by virtue of our situations being significantly different. We are facing a known foe, with a clear cut way to beat them, allies who help us with minimal persuasion, and no insurmountable problems. He didn’t have any of that, he led a grassroots rebellion with basically only slaves and spirits to help him against people who were doing things he’d never seen before. The difference is just… they’re incomparable.

Can you imagine if we really had to face the idea that we are becoming the very thing we sought to destroy? Can you imagine the slow, creeping realization that we are just like Solas. If we had to sacrifice one or two or even more of our faction alliances to proceed through the game? If there were actual STAKES!?! If Solas saw us as his equal or another incarnation of himself? If he saw us going down the same path he did and it sparks empathy in him? If he wanted us to actually succeed because he has learned to see the good in this messy creation of his?

The DA games are - at their core - about sacrifice, what you are willing to give up for the greater good? In these games, the goal is to save the world, so how will you fight for it? We have nothing to fight for here because it’s not really a fight at all.

This idea that you can’t do anything alone is nice… but being alone is never an option for us. Solas puts himself in exile, Solas is alone but Rook never is. It’s not an option not to recruit your companions, you have to. It’s not an option to turn any of them away or to have them leave your party, and they’ll always love you if you do the bare minimum for their quests. The only time they ‘leave you’ is if they die but that’s not until the very absolute end, and even then they die in service of you - you are not ever alone in this fight.

If this game wanted to say something about how our people make us better we should have been met with a point in the game where we are alone. Fade prison doesn’t count because really nothing happens there; it's all cerebral internalized shit and you’re pulled out of it relatively quickly. We should have been hit with the idea that without our people - the bonds we choose and those we love - we are nothing and we were never faced with that potential reality.

In addition… Solas had people. He had Mythal and Felassan and he trusted them so intrinsically it became a part of his downfall. If he was your friend or lover in Inquisition he is a ride or die, he cares deeply for you and your team - so much so, he leaves because he sees himself as a danger to you. He’s only alone now because he chose to be alone… should we not also parallel this? Should we not also feel more bound to Solas because we see ourselves in him? We keep saying we’ll do ‘whatever it takes’ but it only takes the minimum to get the damn job done. We get to take the path of least resistance constantly, we get to be a hero with little to no losses that we see or care about - and perhaps this is because I did completionist this game and worked for it… but I didn’t ever feel like I had to work particularly hard.

This game ultimately fails because what it’s trying to say has no weight, what it’s trying to dictate to us is just said and never shown. We are not treated as an active participant in this narrative, we are just a consumer and I find it offensive that it was touted as an RPG when there’s minimal roleplay in the game.

In conclusion, your honor, this game is not a disappointment because I wanted Inquisition 2 - this game is a disappointment because it doesn’t say anything worthwhile. It presents ideas that, on their face, are good but never delves into them, it saps nuance out of an otherwise lively incredibly lore rich world, and it ultimately takes power away from the player to service a story that no longer wants to affiliate itself with its predecessors. Which is a damn shame because what came before it has so many interesting and thought provoking ideas this world could have built itself upon and chose to disregard.

If they wanted a relaunch, that’s fine… divorce yourself from ALL the games if that’s the case. Tell a smaller story, go back in the timeline before any other game, do anything else.

I will still probably play future Dragon Age games (because the track record is now the odd numbered games are good, the even numbered games are less good). I can find the good in these games despite my disappointment. But this game is still just that to me, a disappointment, end rant.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Y'know, if Lila was just a one-off character for Volpina and we never saw her again, a few tweaks in that episodes writing could have made it a good lesson about not letting your temper get the best of you, even in a situation where your anger is justified

This is in reference to the post where I discussed how terrible Volpina's lesson is and I agree with the proposed change. If Marinette has to be in the wrong here, that's the only way to make it kind of work. In fact, this is what I thought the episode was trying to do on my first watch. When the next season started with Lila gone, I thought, "Okay, so that episode was supposed to be about being the better person and having a more measured response when you've been wronged. I don't think it did that lesson super well, but I can see what they were going for and we'll give them some grace. Definitely one that I wouldn't just give to a kid, though. Way too high a risk of them internalizing a very wrong message."

I only gave the writers that grace because I assumed that Ladybug had truly humiliated Lila out of Paris off screen (remember, we only see Ladybug out Lila to Adrien even though Lila was lying to everyone) and that is a pretty extreme punishment for a teenager making a dumb choice. Even then, saying that Ladybug was in the wrong feels a little too victim blame-y for my tastes. Lila was the one telling the lies and using Ladybug's name for clout on a city-wide scale or possibly even a national/international scale depending on the Ladyblog's viewership. By telling those lies, Lila was harming Alya's credibility and presenting herself as a sort of authority on Ladybug, a position that she was going to use to her advantage as we saw with her manipulating Adrien. She was also putting herself at risk if Gabriel or other villains believed the lies and saw her as a way to get to Ladybug.

That means that the lies Lila told aren't exactly minor, victimless crimes like the lies Marinette and Adrien tell to hide their identities. Lilia's lies needed to be outed on the same scale that they were broadcast and there's no kind way to do that. It's going to have a brutal edge no matter how pretty the words are.

There are times when it's right to be "the better person" and let a thing go, but it's hard to view this as one of them because this was not a nuanced situation. There was no reasonable option other than issuing a public retraction and Ladybug didn't even go that far! She had a single, private confrontation with Lila and then let the matter rest. A better version of this episode might see Alya and Marinette giving a really mean retraction on the Ladyblog that they then feel bad about because they should have been more professional, but that's about it as far as possible improvements go.

If we look at what the episode actually gave us, it feels like another Gamer situation. An episode that blames Marinette for impure motivations while ignoring anyone else's faults, creating a nonsense moral that just makes me mad. Ladybug-is-wrong-for-confronting-the-liar-for-impure-reasons is certainly a take. It's just not one that I'm ever going to agree with. To give a recent, real-world example, do people really feel that James Somerton was the wronged party because his many, many lies and instances of plagiarism were outed in a brutal public takedown? (Context part 1 & part 2, though part 2 is the one to watch if you only want to see why letting lies from respected sources go unchecked can be so messy.)

To be clear, I don't think that Lila's lies were Somerton bad in Volpina, but they were starting to go down that road and they arguably reached Somerton levels by season five. Fakes identities, almost getting Marinette expelled, using her lies to get social power from Gabriel, the list goes on, which is yet another reason to hate Volpina. Its nonsense moral is a big part of why Lila could do all of that. Ladybug should have outed Lila! Society suffered and will continue to suffer because she didn't. That's why you have to stop misinformation as soon as you possibly can, but that wasn't actually the moral of Volpina. The moral was that Ladybug was in the wrong for being mean to the liar. Maybe if she'd been nicer, then Lila wouldn't be so evil now which is a very gross moral! Volpina really does feel even more victim blame-y now that Lila is the new big bad.

That's a good segue to circle back and finish off my original topic: I gave the writers grace for Volpina until Lila returned and established that she'd never been publicly outed. At that point, Volpina lost any chance at me giving it charity. The lesson was worse than I thought and I was fully justified in hating it. It's one of the ones I use when I explain why I wouldn't want a child getting into Miraculous because the problem with Volpina's moral is pretty straightforward.