#but apparently I am feeling it today idk
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My mother, who is deeply Christian and(but) also supremely autistic, once accidentally pulled aggro on an entire church's worth of women because they were so aggressively demanding she condemn my newly pierced ears. Against God's design!!! they wailed. Then how come you all shave your legs?, my mother asked.
On the bright side, I had to suffer through significantly fewer church-based social invites after that.
The idea that bodymod of all kinds from piercings and tattoos to gender-affirming care and amputations "goes against God's design" is such a fragile fucking take imo.
Like. Fuck, Brendine, you don't cut the moldy bit off a block of cheese? You don't spit out the bones when you eat fish? Do you never bake bread or cook food or chop off your hair? You just crawl around in a fig leaf bikini eating pine cones off the ground and shit in a hole?
Eve ate the apple already hon we ain't gonna undo that shit dressing like we're Children of the Corn
#religion#sorry teaboot I would usually keep this in the tags#but apparently I am feeling it today idk#ash's ramblings
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this blog is 11 years old now 🎉
I drew the siblings ever to celebrate as usual
#loz#wind waker#legend of zelda#toon link#aryll#I wasn't gonna draw anything but then I sketched link real quick and I was like okay wait i can do this#and then my brother dragged me outside ☠ but i still got it done today!#the anniversary is today. tumblr sent me a notification like ravio is 11 years old now! ravio the character is actually 11 years old.#albw released in2013. i received two reminders this morning. ravio drawing soon maybe. coming this year definitely. maybe#arylls like big brother use a damn fork#<- that was the tag when I first started drawing them in 2018#also i noticed when I draw aryll i always draw her in her blue dress so i decided to change it up. i only play 2nd playthroughs of wind wak#r because fun fact: i hate link's green tunic and hat. i finished a first playthrough years ago with a finished nintendo gallery#and then when i want to start a new playthrough i fight ganondorf again go through the credits cry and then BAM new game no-plus#i miss link's green tunic now though. its been so long. im so sick of champions garb...............idk the green is iconic idk#im not a huge fan of it but i think his base form should be green again. with the hat. let him look doofy as a default again#he was green in echoes of wisdom but i need them to follow through after again.#i didnt finish echoes of wisdom yet (SOON IM TRYING IM STUCK I NTHE SONIC ADVENTURE 1 WEB HELP) but what I saw of Link there?#he was kinda terrifying lmao its always funny to see that link is so extremely competent because i am not. that boy efficient#im stuck in the sa1 web because everyone is always talking about how good it is. so i played the pc port and. its apparently awful idk it i#thats just what sa1 outside of emerald coast plays to me tbh. but the dreamcast is supposed to be better. and i own a dreamcast. free me#i played on gamecube too. 12 years ago. it made me sick. maybe one day i'll install some mods that make it play better#why does it feel like the month is over when its only january 6#i played sa1 as a kid btw. just emerald coast tho. ALSO I DIDNT BUY A DREAMCAST FOR THIS I ALREADY OWNED ONE
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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okay!!! got a couple short replies to tiny starters crammed into my (still paused) queue... it's not much, but it's something. tomorrow i'll try to get a bit more done, maybe restart the queue, etc. etc., but. yeah. baby steps.
#drafts are now under 50 but i still have more things i'll probably delete i just. apparently need time to let the decision fully settle ig?#or need to make sure i'll be able to get new threads going with those people? before deleting them?#idk. idk! all i do know is that i accomplished a few things today and that's a good thing#something something need to start slow to start building energy back up#i'm being a lot more conscious about my energy spending & capabilities (not just w/ writing but w/ everything)#bc if i just let myself go i fall into this awful cycle of#overdoing it ⇾ needing to recover ⇾ things pile back up ⇾ overwhelm & avoidance & spiraling ⇾ rinse; repeat#determined to actually get better this year. even if it's gonna be really slow going.#i am once again thanking all of u for ur patience w/ me during this time ♡#ok i'm gonna go play my stupid gacha games n maybe try to sleep earlier tonight so i can have more hours#where my brain feels like it can Do Things tomorrow#love you guys. like seriously so much. ♡♡♡#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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so…finding a trilogy series that i really enjoyed was just the spark i needed to start writing again oop
#it’s nothing big or anything#but…i am making actual progress on my fanfic chapters which is definitely something#i even looked at my first novel idea again and played with some things#and i have new books i’m excited to read#idk i just feel good today#washing my hair apparently boosted something too bc i feel lighter today too
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I was in a major car accident yesterday (got t-boned) and was very luckily a) alone in the car, as the passenger side got walloped and b) not injured. However I took care of everything and then went home and proceeded to sleep for 19 out of the following 24 hours.
#I could feel all my muscles and all of them were in pain. every ounce of my energy was sapped#I needed to eat but the thought of eating made me want to puke#I had to be driven home and I was sat in the front seat like 😵💫🫥😱 why aren't you BRAKING you need to BRAKE every two seconds#After my 24 hour reset I am now up to eating a meal. I still hurt but only the top quarter of my body instead of all of it.#I can stand the thought of being driven now but idk how long it'll be before I'm OK with driving again 🙁#I have been thinking about it like. all the time which sucks. Unfortunately my tolerance for processing negative experiences is -1000#If something bad happens to me I want to just fix the situation and move on from it immediately#and that just doesn't happen in reality. But now I'm stuck sitting with this awful experience for who knows how long :(#I'm lucky our insurance is so good it'll cover everything (but deductible obvs) and I imagine the car is fixable#All in all I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I'm so grateful to be healthy and home with my husband and cat#But also I've had my license for 8 years and never had an accident. I've been through so much this year. This car is 1.5 months old#It just feels so unnecessary and evil for this to happen now and I feel so guilty that apparently I'm at fault#and caused this huge financial and energetic drain for my lil family when we've already dealt with fuckin everything else the past 6 months#The ''why me why today why when I'm a responsible driver'' is real and my whole shit is rocked. I'm still shaken up#I've had a few times recently where shit felt... unreal? Like I should be able to reload my save because that couldn't have just happened#And this was so vividly that way#I'm strong but like. The Cursed™️ vibe is very present#May have to do a curse break and many protection spells soon#cause this is getting ridiculous#personal
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I love the mornings after a night of drinking. That liquid courage actually stays with me and I can actually coherently piece together my thoughts to convey how I feel.
And feel brave enough to post more than once in the span of 6 hours. Without feeling like I’m annoying the people on the other side of the screen who literally follow me to see my posts or can just continue scrolling.
#rambles in tags#rambles are a result of liquid courage and emotionally charged#read at your own risk (it’s just long mainly)#feels good#but also- alcohol makes me mean apparently#I can be mean#I don’t think I’m a mean person#but I am a professional hater#and my humor isn’t always nice- I like taking digs at ppl and they do so back to me#but on alcohol I take it to far I was told :[#it was just an insensitive joke at the wrong time (that someone else dogpiled on the person)#so I’m now baking the person that I hurt a cheesecake and I’m gonna apologize proper today :]#bc I can actually think past my ‘make haha funny joke’#and realize what should and shouldn’t be jokes :]#I don’t like being drunk I don’t think. I don’t think I was drunk to begin with anyways#and idk how to feel about the last bit either#anywho I’m baking a cake so#:]
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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i need to start packing i hate it AAAAAAAAAAA
#i'm literally just sitting here staring at the wall instead#i feel so lazy today#also feeling super anxious because apparently my sister's friends can't wait to meet me and like#do they know how awkward i am#ughhhhhhhhhh#idk what she told them about me that made them feel so excited but come on i'm weird and boring#maybe funny a bit but still#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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y'all ever wonder what it's like to be someone's favorite writer? like, the idea that there's anyone anywhere that really, truly looks forward to my writing is just...such a bizarre concept to me? like fr you like my writing? mine? why??? 😂
#it's probably good that no one has ever said this to me bc idk if i'd even believe it tbh lmao#my self-esteem THAT low apparently#fuck today started out just fine why am i feeling so low all of a sudden ugh#ignore me#to be deleted probably
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I really need to shave my face more than once a week, but I get petty satisfaction out of knowing my mom would flip her lid over it if she knew.
#you cant take the antogonistic teenager out of me completely apparently#it was damned if i did damned if i didnt with everything in that household. but it was losing her shit if i didnt shave frequently enough#and then harassment over the fact i had to shave#anyways. i hope to never run into any of them ever. but if i do i hope it is on day 7 of the blonde beard coming in. and her blood#pressure spikes so badly she passes out. maybe hits her head on the way down for good measure.#but for now im smooth. exfoilated. and moisturized 😌🙏#ive accomplished jack shit today though i am still getting ready for my day. i spent 2 hours ranting about everything i am dealing with#to my partner which probably needed to happen. but it is almost 1pm and im not dressed. i need to go to the library and get groceries.#like what am i even doing today. wasting my limited weekend. argh.#im blaming last nights migraine and sleeping in after taking more medicine.#-pers#-vent#kinda idk. i feel like i label anything negative as vent but idk if that is the proper use of that tag.#im bound to delete this later anyways so i guess it doesnt really matter. blah blah blah blah
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Idk if any other bisexual women experience this, but I feel like I'm always getting judged (implicitly or explicitly) for my taste in men? Almost like, "Well, I'll begrudgingly concede that you're actually attracted to women, but my acceptance of you is conditional on whether I approve of the men (fictional or real) you're interested in."
#like...idk if I'm seeing shit that isn't there#but I feel like I'm much more likely to get Exiled To The Cringe Dumpster by other sapphics for liking the ''wrong'' man than the ''wrong''#woman? I mean I get judged for being attracted to various women too. this is more like...in progressive spaces that have accepted my#attraction to women my place there seems extra-super-contingent on whether I'm like...attracted to a list of Approved™ men?#because if I fall outside those parameters in my attraction then I'm Basically Straight™ and Kowtowing To The Patriarchy™ or whatever#I guess more like...my attraction has to be 'subversive' enough. in the sense that it's so Weird™ or Inexplicable™ that it can't possibly#be confused with the attraction that straight women feel.#idk if this is making ANY sense but this sure is something I've been feeling a lot lately#(yes this IS brought on by an attraction to a specific man--an attraction mind you. that is completely innocuous and not in danger of#making anyone unsafe in the least. but it's sure still a feeling lmao.)#this is another reason why I'm -_- about dating there's too much complicated shit to parse out and I cannot prioritize that right now#I gotta unpack a WHOLE shit-ton of stuff before I get to that#okay for REAL I am going to go Be Creative for like 2 seconds before I fall deeply™ asleep but my brain has MANY THOUGHTS TODAY apparently
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so do you ever find yourself being so careful around someone to spare their feelings even tho it’s not your responsibility and also they’re a whole adult
#I mean…#some time ago when we had an office potluck some people weren’t on the email list and so didn’t know it was happening#but they were in office so we still invited them#I felt bad even tho I wasn’t in charge or anything lol#but the next day one guy was so pissed bc he thought we left him off on purpose#no we didn’t the list just needed updating#but he went on a whole tirade and it was a very uncomfortable lunch#since then I and multiple others have gone to his manager like ‘hey is guy okay’#and then today - another potluck and he was on the list but wasn’t there#I asked his manager. apparently he chose not to participate#but when I saw him today he looked pissed. sir. sir please#idk why I keep thinking of ways to include him more. he’s been here longer than me. also on the planet longer#probably 2-3 decades longer#why am I worried about his feelings. the vibes are off
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Recent things.. mostly just writing screenshots lol
#There's a water problem in the apartment so thats been taking most of my attention lol.. the way maintenance happens here is just#this big long vague wait with no clear communication. You just send in a request to the apartment building and then you might hear from the#any weekday from 8am - 4pm any time after that. Sometimes it's quick but sometimes its like days before you hear anything. So then#you just have to be operating under the assumption that at any time during working hours you might get a call or a knock at the door#Like if you were expecting company at any time for a week straight ghjhj.. ANYWAY.. I've been working on making a little discord#server thing for the game maybe for playtesters to communicate in initially i guess but then also after it's out or... something like that.#no idea how all of that works. but you hear about people doing it. or something... Still not entirely sold on the idea since I'm not really#a big user of discord format speaking (like little chats and stuff) but.. again idk.. seems like.. common.. for things...(< socially odd#hermit fumbling through trying to imitate what '''normal''' people do/enjoy/desire lol..). Since I think my biggest issue is I am very bad#at socializing and thus marketing since a lot of that is social. The type to just google ''what do people do about games once they've#made them'' and just go after whatever the top 10 things apparently are hjbjhbjh... But like I said. still unsure it will be utilized. it#all feels very awkward to me. then again most things do. But that's what the ''overall progress'' screenshot is from. the little channel#where I've been posting updates to myself lol. Also ''coding'' in that being used very lightly consdering it's ren'py and I'm only using#the very bare bones most basic functionality of it lol. Extremely intense highly daunting master level coding such as ''if x then y''. gbjh#slacked on writing a lot due to the evil maintenance and such things... and just general... appointments... events... aughhhhhh#I think it's Goose Time here or something because nearly every day I hear big V shaped rows of geese flying by like multiple#times a day and they're so pretty and neat to watch. They've really inspired me somehow. Today it was rainy and gray skied and high winds#and cold (some of my favorite most beautiful weather) and I went out to check the mail and like 6 or 7 rows of geese fluttered#by in the air. I felt like that meme image of that guy that looks kind of weird (william dafoe??) and its like black and white and#he's looking up at something almost teary eyed wide eyed in awe.. The goose... those are my goose.. the universe sent those gooses just#for me and the high speed winds blowing my coat open and chilling my face... a tender platonic kiss from the world is often delivered#by way of chilly weather and bird formations.. peace and love on planet earth truly..#OH and of course.. boy with boy!!!! shout out to those little mcdonalds toy animal plushies from like 2006 or something. I found the#gray cat one and was like.. hrmm.. I have one of those as well (a real life gray cat). surely they're friends now.
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Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this
#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to)#I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky#I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine#and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve#and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn#I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky#(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things)#(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe)#anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D#I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one#even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends#how do Trills even exist#how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now#and still function#how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her#does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically?#does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now?#does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day?#does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more?#idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually...#(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao)#cw death
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I really need to stop reading my therapist's session notes given the psychic whiplash I experience half the time I read them, especially since im like 99% sure I shouldn't be able to see them in the first place, but like.... im so curious. I want to knowwwww
#at this point idk how to tell my therapist I can see them without going mask off and exposing myself for reading them like a fucking novel#like as soon as they are posted I am THERE its like buddy. chill tf out. you were there in the session. you know what happened.#you dont need a fucking play by play. but apparently I do#it helps me process stuff seeing the little extra tidbits of shit that gets dropped but also sometimes feels like a smack in the face.#It's mostly been validating and feeds my curiosity and better sense of self understanding though#also tonight I was like homie. girlie. buddy. we had our session last week why you only getting to the notes today? you doing ok?#I also feel bad cause the therapy is like. workin but also making my symptoms worse cause im in a bad place cause I dont wanna process shit#and therapy maakes me process shit. so like. that makes my brain both worse and better woooooo#we out here#googoogajoob
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