#at this point idk how to tell my therapist I can see them without going mask off and exposing myself for reading them like a fucking novel

[natugood]

I really need to stop reading my therapist's session notes given the psychic whiplash I experience half the time I read them, especially since im like 99% sure I shouldn't be able to see them in the first place, but like.... im so curious. I want to knowwwww

[eir-trixa]

WOTTG SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT

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Can you believe Rick is validating me in my Percy-is-the-most-empathic-character take? I have legal basis but boi does it feel nice to have canon confirmation.

Second that book was short af I got the gist of it all while reading for like an hour.

Third, we addressed everyone else’s trauma. Percy’s still the group therapist LMAO 😭😭😭

Fourth, my son is such a good kid yall, this is why I lose five years of my life when someone insults or when he insults himself jfc my child.

Im honestly still processing and I have to reread the ending. Did it address Percy’s issues? Im going to go with “a bit” and call it a night. I mean, I guess it did? Percy got to unload and help Gale and Hecuba. We got an insight to how he’s managing to stay up and fighting and good despite all the shit he’s put into. Honestly the fact that he saw the humanity in Gale and Hecuba, that he saw their pain and grief and thats what made them trust him, that is so good. And the way he related to them. Goodness. And it highlights again how good a person he is, how much he feels and cares. I mean, he cried cause he had to send Mrs O Leary away, I cant with this kid-

I supposed what Im left unsatisfied with is how he still perceives himself as dumb? Baby, you survived San Fran for two months as a homeless kid without memories and pursued by different monsters who cant die. Youre the furthest thing from dumb.

He cant see this of course and while it was slightly addressed(?) by Annabeth telling him to his face that she doesnt give him enough credit, that he’s pretty smart, I dont think thats enough for addressing this particular issue. There was a time in the middle that he almost snapped because he thought Annabeth probably thinks him too dumb to know what to do next. Which I understand is frustrating to him. But to be fair this book made him look at Annabeth for a solution a lot. Theres also little comments about how when he cant think of anything - which is every 60 seconds apparently according to him- he looks at Annabeth. This doesnt help the co dependent allegations LMAO. Idk, I will die on the Hill that Percy is one of the smartest people in the series, not just emotionally but also in strategy. And theres, of course, nothing wrong with looking at the genius strategist for answers. Ive mixed feelings because definitely this is more of a Percy-insecurity issue than an Annabeth-being-bossy issue. But okay. One more book, heres to hoping we get more heart to heart on that front because Im 999998% sure she doesnt mean to make him feel stupid, Percy’s just got a lot of demons to fight but this in particular they need to figure out together. Still, its obvious how much they care for each other still. If only Dave and Hana did not piss me off at the start Id probably be a little more lenient about this.

Annabeth’s fatal flaw also makes a comeback, we love to see it.

And Sally Estelle Jackson. Now we have to find out wth is Percy’s middle name cause if Sally has one odds are she gave her son too. Trust me. Im Filipino. Iykyk.

Lastly, while I will forever and ever and ever support the trio from pjotv (theyre perfect and have done nothing wrong ever) I can see Rick’s injecting their personalities into the books. Im not sure if he does this on purpose or just subconsciously LMAO. Some of Grover’s dialogue is definitely inspired by Aryan. Percy being Lanky? Walker through and through, especially with his growth spurt lmao, and Annabeth’s confidence? All Leah. I can see what Rick’s trying to do. Ive no opinion on this, just pointing it out. I do love love love the live action. Just. I can see you Rick. You aint slick.

So there. I probably would need to reread the book properly at some point.

[carolingarts]

I submit to the internet since this game won't leave my brain. The following statement. Curly is a flying monkey and Jimmie Johns is the wicked witch.

Hear me out. A flying monkey is a term for an enabler to a narcissist/abuser. Someone who assists them by performing their actions, providing them outs, generally supporting their actions without seeing what they're capable of or how they're hurting people.

In the wizard of oz (the OG book version) the monkeys were goofy and stupid and they played a prank on a witch who cursed them to obey anybody wearing a golden cap. The wicked witch of the west found the cap and used the monkeys to conquer the western quadrant of Oz. When Dorothy finds the cap, she puts it on and realizes she can control the monkeys. She asks them to take her friends over the mountains and listens to where the monkeys were coming from.

When it's done, Dorothy gives Glinda the cap and she tells the monkeys they must never play pranks again before giving the monkeys the cap and setting them free.

flying monkeys in the real world aren't that easy to sway. A lot of them *know* how bad shit is in the situation and play along with it, big chunks of them might clue into it and then use it to their advantage. Other monkeys might just be so far gone and codependent they'll never pick up on it.

There's a lot I could say about therapy and dealing with flying monkeys. I don't know enough to do that though. That's work for individuals to do with their loved ones and therapists and healthy circles. that's not for this post or tumblr. Know only if that's your situation, I wish you well and know and believe you have the strength to fix it. I'm just making a point about a character.

Without going into too much detail or providing definition I might get *wrong* - the fact is that if the flying monkey is a decent person, eventually they'll be forced to face the abuser and either embrace what they're saying and just go deeper or they'll have to start their own journey of trying to grab the golden cap. The fact is that abusers choose their army either because they see kindred spirits or because they see people who are weaker than they are that they can exploit.

That's the genius of this game, just how accurate they got everything for me about a wicked witch and his flying monkey ( we don't speak jockey shorts name in this house.) because it paints everything pretty clearly. It's very clear that Curly's a decent guy - enough of a decent dude for Anya to trust with her feelings initially before she realized that she was Dorothy and he was a flying monkey. People very clearly liked him.

It actually makes you wonder just how much dirty work Curly did for beef jerkey though. How many people the guy defended the wicked witch to, how many people who he just lied to about the guy. That said, if you very clearly inspire enough trust for people to confess to you that kind of thing - I think we're leaning towards the kind of flying monkey that's considerably weaker than the wicked witch who picked him.

Which is the absolute fucking *genius* of this game. If you do the work and you're like "well I want to know more about how this works, and you look up abusers and enablers and you realize this it opens up just how things work. Even if Curly was the kind of guy who was very clearly into everything Jockey Shart was doing he falls into the codependent trap I've hitched my wagon to the wrong horse (aha. ha. ha.) and pays for it.

I can't excuse Curly's actions. No one should excuse Curly's actions. I'm also not a dev so I don't know the intentions but looking at the narrative I can speculate that - my dude was a meathead gym bro golden retriever who was probably super codependent (super super codependent.) along with naive and unwilling to admit his own failings. especially the latter. IDK based on the narrative I don't think it was motivated by his own pride - I think he was just genuinely meathead decent golden retriever gymbro who didn't deal with his super weak sense of self and identity and codependency and then y'know had a clue by four hit him like an asteroid in the face.

He was the wicked witch of the tulpar's flying monkey until he caught Just Ugly Pants out and realized that his own life was threatened because he refused to see the red flags and warning signs. And he paid for it. What a great fucking game.

Also can we talk about Anya managing to keep a man *alive* like that when he was probably fused to the fucking machine? What fucking medical school was stupid enough to let her go? She's literally keeping the man alive.

[averagetransdude12]

(For legal reasons I'm not a therapist) Uhhh I am bored so now I sha'll rant to yall about Flamingo lore. So I'll be going by this playlist: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMAZgP8rjwSLYgRu2v0gjUWlZ_ucFPC1E

So the first video is called "A normal roblox video" it kinda just shows insanity and losing yourself, and at the end it seems like Albert (which is of course the main character) "dies" but not really dying its just implied.

The second video is called "Albert's new merch made something terrible happen" it shows rituals in which Albert sacrifices a styrofoam head to a god like deity and when his ritual goes well he goes insane, and it cuts to Albert throwing wife (the mannequin) off the roof. Which could be you sacrificing yourself to help others, but they don't care enough to care so it could lead to insanity

The third video is called "Flamingos wife" where it looks like the whole incident was either a dream or it happened earlier. It has nothing of value in most of it until near the end when Albert and wife wake up in a sewer and if you turn up you're brightness you can see a shadowy figure behind them in the sewer. Maybe the shadow could be a guilty conscience? Like how some people deal with guilt they didn't even need to feel guilt about or it could be just a normal guilty conscience.

The fourth video is called "USE STARCODE FLAMINGO" which is just him making an ad for his starcode, but it's ofc deeper then that cause it's Albert. So it has a kid character (which is just Albert but on his knees), and a mom, the kid is just a brat asks his mom for robux, and his mom buys him a robux gift card, and the kid uses it without using the starcode and is sent to hell where a shadow creature threatens him and tells him that he'll kill his mom and take him (well it's implied).

The fifth video is called "I am playing roblox in this video" the video starts with Albert playing a roblox game, (and if you watch the video you would know the context, and rn I'll just mention the lore of the video) it seems in the video as if it's eluding to murder. In said video Albert sees a ghost orb which is a sign of a dead person or someone's ghost (it could just be some fuzz, but Albert said the crew didn't see it and that he didn't mean to watch it go by) and there is a shadow man behind him if you turn up the brightness. (Pretend I put that the lights go out for 2 minutes in said video lol) the lights go back on and Albert gets up from where he was siting and goes over to some scaffolding (he filmed it in his "new" office building) he climbs up the scaffolding ladder and when he gets up onto the top of the scaffolding he spits over the edge spitting out beans (beans can imply drugs/gore if you look into where they mostly come from) he looks shocked, and climbs down the ladder and walks over to his desk where the computer is leaking beans everywhere. He mumbles something about how he thought he hid it and stuff.

Sixth video is called "The end of flamingo" let's just skip over the boring shit and go straight to how it implies to not being able to leave people (could imply attachment issues) and thinking you are trapped to be around with them, and how it's like everything is burning around you but you are still conscious. Oh and the weird demon thing that talks to Albert and says he should let her go. And when he doesn't let her go, the demon makes Albert trapped inside of a mannequin on a burnt bed.

Seventh and hopefully last video is titled "I messed up" (man if he posts another damn merch ad video I will point a gun to my head) It seems like it's based in the 80's with the 80's music and the whole laundromat thing and the newspapers. So Albert is driving a car to the laundromat to wash clothes (the fans love this video lol). Skip to the laundromat where he encounters masked shadow man (idk thats his name now) the masked shadow man asks for meat, and shows Albert a newspaper with an ad for a meat store. It skips to Albert driving back to the laundromat with some meat for the masked man, he arrives to the laundromat and looks for the masked man, and the masked man declines the meat Albert brought him and points to a girl outside. And Albert goes outside and goes up behind her and goes to grab her shoulder when she turns into meat, Albert goes back into the laundromat and looks for the masked man. This could imply many things like helping someone but they don't really care much when you actually help them, or being a people pleaser and such, trying to help people as best as you can. Or some shit idk I'm not a therapist.

Matpat should look into this, I shouldn't have to just post this shit at 4 am cause I was bored and no one else will talk about it. If anyone can do it please try and get matpat to look into this. I ruined my damn sleep schedule just to make this post.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

how do you think i bring up to my parents that i might have adhd :((

my mums a doctor so maybe she'll get it but idk abt my dad </3

Hi there,

I found some sources that can hopefully help. This first one is an excerpt from an article:

Preparing to Talk to Your Parents about ADHD

If you want your conversation with your parents to go well, it’s a good idea to do some prep work first. Laying some groundwork will make the journey go more smoothly.

Lay the foundation well before the actual conversation about ADHD. Without mentioning ADHD, talk about frustrations and difficulties you are having. When you bring them up during the ADHD conversation, they won’t be new and thus won’t catch your parents off guard.

Know your goals. What do you want out of the conversation? Do you just need your parents to listen and understand? Do you want them to support your desire to see a doctor or therapist? Do you want them to hire a tutor to help you learn to study? Knowing precisely what you want to achieve in your conversation will help keep you focused as you talk.

Predict potential emotional reactions you may have so you can manage them. ADHD can make people quick to anger, so if you’re aware of things that might make you fly off the handle, you can either steer clear of those topics or recognize your feelings when they happen and breathe deeply to slow down your emotional reactions.

Pick a good time to ask your parents if you can talk about something important to you. Wait until they’re not distracted. Pick a time that works for everyone and a place that is comfortable and distraction-free.

Once you’ve completed these steps, it’s time to tell your parents about ADHD.

Tips for How to Talk to Your Parents about ADHD

Talking to your parents about ADHD symptoms you’re experiencing and difficulties you’re having is a very good idea because it will help move you forward toward help and support for ADHD. You might find some or all of the following tips useful.

* Be clear and direct so your parents know exactly what you’re experiencing. It might be helpful to write down a list of your concerns so you can refer to them.

* Listen to your parents, and understand their point of view. Listening to them shows them you’re serious and allows you to respond to their concerns.

* Let them ask you questions, and give honest responses.

* Avoid getting angry by paying attention to your thoughts and emotions, breathing, and asking for a break if necessary.

* Print out an ADHD symptoms checklist and highlight areas that affect you. Talk to your parents about how these areas are keeping you from being successful and working toward your goals.

* Suggest a trial period. Ask them to let you see a doctor or therapist to try ADHD treatment for a few months. You can all see how it goes and re-evaluate things after the trial period.

Quite often, parents resist acknowledging ADHD because they don’t want to see their son or daughter labeled or put on medication. The best way to know why your parents dislike the idea of you having ADHD is to ask them. They can share their concerns with you. Then, you can acknowledge their concerns and explain why it will be helpful for you to be evaluated for ADHD and ADHD treatment.

Talking to your parents about ADHD can feel intimidating at first, but with some prep work and using these tips, you just might find that the discussion is a positive one that leads to ADHD help.

Article will be below:

Here is a video I found that might help:

Last one is a Reddit thread that might help:

I hope these can help. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[zerobaseonefics]

OMG NOO NEXT WEEK ON THIRSDAY RIGHT IS THE FINAL EPISODE RIGHT (i think so im not sire tho) AND EXACTLY AT THE TIME THE EPISODE STARTS I HAVE THERAPY LIKE BRO I PREFER TO WATCH BOYS PLANET CRYING MY GUTS OUT AND ALMOST FAINTING INSTEAD OF GOING TO YOUUUU LIKE YOU DONT EVEN HELP ME MAN anyway i lied to my therapist 3 times already and i feel bad. im a pathological liar or whatever its called so i believe my own lies roght and tell them all the time and make up new lifes/perosnalities that way and i need to tell him about it but idk how because i dont want him to know that i lied to him👲 he thinks im smart, kind and everything but a liar, BADDIE🤭, actuslly dumb af and rude to almost everyone. i just hope soon i wont need to go to him anymore🫶🫶 oh and he forgets always everything sbout me so its easier for me to lie to him but i dont want to LIKE BROO??? this is the only place i can actually talk with no lies because im anonymous and everybody can think what they want but they dont know who i am ykykyk?? this should be a motivation to lie even more actuslly since its anonymous and NOBODY knows who i am but no its the other way around for me👍btw the only thing my therapist did what didnt helped me at all but was „okay” from him like the good „okay” was that he said fuck the prople that are racist to me💪💪

no look i'm going to try and advice you for the best as someone who've been seeing therapist for years.

BESTIE YOU NEED TO CHANGE THAT DAMN THERAPIST 🫵🏼 idk the situation in your country regarding this, in France where i live it's kinda hard to find another one. if it's not the case where you are, try and look for another one. when you don't get the vibe with your therapist, he will most likely not be able to help you because you're not comfortable enough to tell him the truth. you say it yourself, he doesn't remember shit about what you tell him, and i just think there is no point in going to him if it's like this.

don't get me wrong tho!! you shouldn't miss your appointements. i mean, i don't know if you're struggling with being a pathological liar or if you have other issues that just makes you feel worse. if that's the case, i'd recommand you don't miss your appointment and you'll watch the finale later 🫶🏼 as someone who suffers from mental illnesses as well, seeing my therapist (even when i have trouble with him...) helps me keep in touch with the fact that i can settle for something else than losing to my troubles. if you really have a illness that could be a danger to your life if you miss that appointment, please go. i insist on that and i wouldn't want you to end up feeling bad for temporary satisfaction. it's the worst feeling.

however, if you feel like you can go on without this week, just don't go! it's up to you, evaluate your situation to make the best decision. i care about you and i hope everything will be okay so update me about it baddie 🫶🏼

[englishmagic]

Want to help me figure out my gender journey? Enjoy a rant!

And I’d also genuinely appreciate thoughts from enbies and other trans people because I don’t know what I am doing here!

My therapist recommended I dive into the deep end of my Gender Issues and find out what, if anything, I want to Do about them. And I… Don’t know where to start. Do I want top surgery? I mean I’m not gonna lie I would love to have less büb, but I’m also not sure I want to go through surgery again for something that’s so close to being cosmetic. But it isn’t really cosmetic is it. But if I have doubts because I worry that it’s just a vanity thing then that probably means I don’t want it enough and therefore don’t need it. But is that just internalised transphobia that sees gender affirming treatment as silly and superficial stuff to be compared with lip fillers and nose jobs and people cramming their faces full of hideous Botox because they’re afraid of aging? Because it’s not the same as that. But maybe I’m kinda scared that it is the same as that.

And t? I have no idea. Because I don’t know what it would do. And I don’t know what the end goal would be. I’m nonbinary, so that’s one thing, and even if I did land on ‘male’ as the gender I want to present as, what does that even mean? At what point would I be man enough? What is just right? What do I want? I’d want the fat redistribution so I can be chubby without having Feminine Curves or being mistaken for pregnant. I’d like to be able to grow a beard, not just flimsy sideburns. But those aren’t necessarily the things that would happen. You can’t just tell the hormones to give you the changes you want; they might just, idk. Make me hairier and smellier and nothing else.

I do want to masculinise. I just don’t have an end goal in mind. My end goal is just… Feel less like shit about myself. Look in the mirror and see me more than 40% of the time instead of the stranger I see in there a lot. Go out into the world with some sort of confidence that at least SOME people will look at me and not see a woman. That’s part of what worries me; that it’s not so much what I want to be as what I don’t want to be. Or, what I am not, I guess, because I’ve long since made peace with being Not A Woman and increasingly I want my social role to reflect that… somehow. For reasons that are hard to define because fuck what people think about me right? But there we are.

I usually regard my gender as “no thanks”, but that’s a difficult thing to define physically. All I know is that I’m not happy with how my body is and what it does, and I’m pretty sure, though not 100% confident because when am I ever, that it’s down to gender dysphoria just as much as it is down to general body dysmorphia and internalised fat shaming. (I’m not even that fat; it’s just settled in uncomfortable places and I’ve outgrown some clothes I don’t want to throw out.)(but I do feel the weight of generational body issues on my shoulders and it complicates every single bad thought I have about my physical appearance.)

Do I mind being ugly? No. Honestly sometimes the person in the mirror is a lovely looking lady and I wish so badly that I could be her. But I’m not, and honestly I’m sick of trying to be, and in some ways it feels dishonest to go around looking like this fictional person who, while lovely, does not exist and cannot deliver on the promises the outward appearance makes. I’d gladly look worse if I looked more like me.

But then, what is looking like me? When I think of what “I” look like, I think back to when I was an androgynous teenager, when a lot of my gender ambiguity was down to my thin gangly physique, which I’m obviously not going to recreate. Like, I’m not looking to become thin. I’m looking to become androgynous, I guess. And what does that mean in a bigger body? In an ADULT body? Is it easier then to just aim for “male” and decide I will hop off that train if it ever feels like it’s too much? I do feel a lot of Feelings of kinship towards trans men, especially older trans men.

But medical transition also feels like too big of a decision, too drastic, too much of an upheaval. I know that I want to feel better and I know that treatment might be the key, but it also feels fucked up to see my identity as a condition with a medicalised cure, you know?

But then again, it’s the depression that is the condition, not the identity. The depression is the thing I know I have and am taking pills for and showing up to therapy for, and which my therapist says might actually stem from my issues with identity, and might improve if I work through some of those - potentially in a physical way. Aka, trying to see if I would qualify for t or maybe top surgery.

Honestly it’s stupid to even think about these things because I’d have to qualify and I’ll never qualify. I’d have to go the private route, and we all know how I feel about private healthcare services and giving them money…….

In summary, afsgskhasnksdhakajal. Thank you and good night.

[kagejima]

So far she was the best 😭😭 sad but I had worse, like at least she validates my feelings. I had other therapist give me example of kids who are born without limbs or telling me that I'm young and pretty so I should live my life??? Like?? I was at the hospital too. I'll try and search for someone else. I also talk with my psychiatrist when I have appointments and she's understanding. Or at least she's doing a good job?? Idek at this point. I had some doctors that would focus on some things more than other. Like idk I have more than one mental illness 😭 so they said let's focus on depression for now, or this antidepressants work for your ocd too, while my current doctor paid attention to my ocd too. It's hard. I thought that once I go to doctors, I will find a cure quickly, but after years I'm met with the fact that mental illness it's so hard to treat. And sometimes you just have to learn how to manage it your whole life which sucks. :/

I wish I was at least born pretty 😭 literally everytime I get out of the house someone calls me ugly or makes a mean comment. It was horrible back in school. I was bullied so bad. And frankly I never liked the way I look, but they can just ignore me you know?? The men are the worst. They would go out of their way to let me know how ugly they think I am. And most of the times I wasn't even interacting with them??? I don't get it. It was hard seeing how they'd flirt with my friends but call me ugly. That made things awkward for my friends too.

Wish I had at least money lmao. I resent my parents for having kids. My whole family actually. Cause their parents pressured them into getting married and having kids yada yada cause that's what you're suppose to do? And they had 3 😭 :/ and now I'm fucked. And somehow it's still my fault for being unreasonable and mean?? All my life I felt guilty, I deserve to feel angry now.

Sorry for the long rant. I keep on saying the same thing to my therapist too but I still don't feel any better . And I'm getting old, I'll soon be 27 :(

:((( It sounds like you just have a shitty therapist right now. I hope that you can easily transition into one that's way better for you!! I'm glad that you have a good psychiatrist though and that your current doctor listens to you and is actively helping you in the meantime, those are very important as well!

And yeah, I get you about the men stuff 🥲🥲🥲 tbh, most men i know are trash anyways so i'm not surprised 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also please don't be so hard on yourself about your looks! 🥺🥺 I think being born pretty is very... it's a weird area. Some of the worst people I've ever known in my whole life - like just absolutely nasty people - were conventionally pretty, and I'm sure others here will agree with me they have met people like that as well.

I think loving yourself and your looks is a very long and hard journey, but I believe in you! Hell, I'm 31 and I'm still insecure about my face sometimes. When I finally cut my hair into the pixie it is now, I felt more like me than I had in my entire life, but there's still awful people going "Haha, you look like a 10 year old boy!!" BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?? fuck them. and fuck those people that say rude things to you!! i don't know if you know the song, but whenever i get down like that, i like to listen to kesha's "let 'em talk" until i feel better!!

[xynthia-has-good-takes]

idk if I have DID/OSDD or not, I think I might fit some criteria but I honestly don’t care because I don’t see what a label or a professional diagnosis is gonna do for me.

I know for sure I’m plural in some way. I also know I don’t want to be medicalized or pathologized, and I also know that I don’t trust the broken medical system in this country. (shout out to the USA)

The medical system- including the parts of it that deal with mental health like psychology and therapy- is made by human beings. Human beings are inherently flawed. Why should I trust a flawed system to know me better than I know myself? There is no way some random therapist or medical professional is gonna be able to know more about the inner workings of my mind than I do.

We already know we’re plural and we’re terrified of being professionally invalidated. Some people may take that as proof that we’re faking but I think it’s proof that we’re real. Everyone in our system wants to be seen and validated as their own person and we’re scared of the emotional damage being professionally told “you’re not real” will do to us.

I would like to point out that many psychologists and therapists- including people very experienced in their field- don’t believe in DID or OSDD at all.

Much like how I would hate to get paired up with a transphobic therapist without knowing it and then spilling my guts about my trans feelings, I don’t want to risk getting matched up with a therapist who doesn’t believe in dissociative disorders to then tell them how I feel just to be told that I’m just making it up and faking to everyone- including myself.

There is also just not much benefit to getting diagnosed? (not that I can see, anyways) I don’t believe many therapists specialize in dissociative disorders (I could be wrong on this), but most of all, there’s no agreed-upon treatment or cure. Someone may see me and think that everyone needs to integrate but we don’t want that. As much as discovering this about myself has made things harder in some ways, I also feel like it’s beautiful in many other ways, and it’s also a part of me, and because of that I don’t want to “fix” it.

That’s not to say I’m not trying to get any help- I’m doing my own research into this community, I want to see what other plural people think and how they cope and deal with everything. Much like how I’m doing DIY HRT because I dislike how so many people treat trans people (and I KNOW some of these people are gonna be working in the medical field), I don’t want to go through the medical system for what’s happening in my mind either.

Of course, I’m still keeping my options open, if I ever do want something that can only be accessed through the medical system (say, surgery for the trans example), then of course I will go through the “proper” systems to get what I want. Same with plurality. If there’s ever at any point some amazing thing that can help me with my plurality that’s only accessible through the medical system, then, sure, I’ll go through the “proper” systems to get that thing that I want.

As of right now, there is nothing that the medical system can offer me (that I want) regarding plurality or transness, that I can’t get through some other outside means

I don’t want to be pathologized, medicalized, cured, or fixed.

I don’t want every random fucking doctor to see all my notes and diagnoses and see that I’m plural and trans- do you have any idea how vulnerable that’d make me?

No, I like the closet, I like masking. And until this society is better, I’m going to continue to selectively mask and stay closeted whenever and wherever I want- including within the medical system (unless the information is particularly important or relevant in a given situation- in which case I will voluntarily divulge that information)

So, I’m plural, but I’m choosing not to pursue any further labels than that.

[sincelastsession]

As much as I try the litany of coping mechanisms... They aren't really helping right now and it's really frustrating because I need to go to the grocery store and do normal things.

But I'm in a freeze state.

The more noise the worse it gets.

The ear plugs are a sensory nightmare.

I'm mad because it's been every day my neighbors are being so loud. The office and courtesy officer who is a sheriff is a fuckin asshole to me.

They think it's about race.

They don't seem to care about the OBVIOUS daycare being run. They won't investigate because they don't see it. I can't take a video to prove it. The kids sit on the stairs at night hollering and playing loud rap music and it's not even good rap music it's shitty SoundCloud rappers and it's not even intelligent. Like even if it was better music I'd still be pissed because I'm just trying to relax.

I do not understand why it's so hard for people to be courteous.

I'm literally going to put a pentacle wreath up and start doing witchcraft outside on purpose. Technically I'm exercising my rights?

Idk.

Parents are telling me July at soonest for moving.

I'm terrified I'm going to lose my cool and absolutely blast the neighbors, office, a corporate. I hate that they're under the impression I'm racist. I hate that they have experienced this themselves. It's more noise than you'd put up with yourself.

My parents seem to think they will find a place that's safe and quiet for under 1k. The places I have found they're not happy with and say are dangerous.

I don't know what to do. Earplugs and headphones are generally a sensory nightmare or they hurt my ears.

I wish they'd just move and put calmer professionals in that unit.

Even the drug dealer that was there before was quiet despite ppl going in and out of the apartment.

Like I know also there was prostitution going on as well a year or so ago in various areas in the complex.

I'd love if my parents with get in touch with my bestie Blake Knight of capital city concierge but my mom already led him on to believe she was getting a house for me last time.

It was embarrassing.

Piper's fiancé's mom found places but they are all in dangerous areas where I'd definitely have safety problems.

I really just would ideally like to get moved to a quiet safe spot. Work on my mental health. Get better. Figure out how to financially get around things without the sense if guilt from breaking rules and fear of getting in trouble and learn things I was never taught that I can't figure out with banking because I'm math dyslexic and literally no one takes me seriously on that. I mean my hope us to get better and much more functional like you know and can see.

I do wish they had the same sorta respite for people like me. In the UK they have them where ppl like me that are overly stressed can go stay and they just sorta treat it more like a resting place and have therapists and a doctor available if need be...

I don't understand why they don't have a place that's strictly for people who are just under too much stress due to anxiety, ptsd, and just life.

They have places for military to recuperate but it's kinda like "fuck you you fet to go to grippy sock jail because you weren't in war" But I have seen war. The entire time my friend Mike was volunteer fighting in the Ukraine he showed me all the things. The dead bodies, the trenches, a person's head on a spike with the skin peeled off and a scythe next to it that Russians left of a poor pow. They found one of our people hands cut off and decapitated. I mean the news censors everything so much. I've seen so much from a gopro from an actual team of ppl. I didn't fight but I've seen really fucked shit. War is hell.

Why aren't there places that are less clinical and more for rest and nervous system regulation?

I don't know if I would want to move states but there's gotta be something.

I just need peace. I have seen and heard enough. I only have respite time when I'm in my dynamic at this point and I've discussed this with my partner about how it helps in an odd but therapeutic way. There's books on how it helps. I think it does. I just don't want to have my entire dynamic be him calming me down. I'd like to have more fun. He understands and I'm not asking I hope for too much currently. I have asked him to lmk. He likes how we are so open and he likes my appreciation and points out how I'm different than most people.

I am thoughtful because I went through hell. I party had my tubes tied and an ablation so at least I'd never get pregnant from any possible SA which has always scared me, because I wouldn't birth a healthy child or even an alive one, and because I feel it would be cruel to pass on the genetics I have. To watch anyone or my own child experience what I did would break me.

So in the same sense...I don't want people to suffer. It hurts to see. It hurts to hear about. It hurts when I can't do anything and it hurts I have to accept that.

I'd love to bitch political and such with everyone else but that doesn't fix the issues. We as a people unless we raise hell and riot like the French aren't realistically going to change this country or stop politics from taking away our rights.

Political leaning to me doesn't matter at this point. I truly believe my vote means nothing and the presidential elections are a big fat bunch of bullshit to give people a sense that they're making a difference when rich mfers who do not care about anyone but thier own lives are really in control.

I hope it rains and the lights don't go out and I can just order doordash and people stay quiet.

That's what I need this weekend.

Just some peace and good sleep.

Because I'd like to accomplish things and it's impossible being interrupted by loud people CONSTANTLY.

[menta11yi11]

I'm still grieving that people told me suicidal ideation made them uncomfortable and so they kicked me from the group chat and only furthered the belief that I would never be accepted for my transness and mental health struggles.

"You're just such a downer, and you're attention-seeking." I was at the lowest point and then got humiliated by someone and lost 20+ friends in one night. But sure, tell me about how you /care/ about trans people. Tell me about how you're a mental health advocate while you shame people for being overwhelmed and self-defeating.

I know it's a hard conversation but they could have asked for a time-out instead of banning me and locking me out of access to my own threads about my headspace and inner world stuff in the plural server. This person has access to links to what my inner world looks like and I don't. I don't see how I'm solely the one in the wrong here. I didn't handle my venting well so I found other coping skills and I'm doing better now I'm not living with the cult parents who were actively threatening me with homelessness and gaslighting me about the abuse. I was in a domestic violence situation but they didn't fucking care and I just had to accept that sometimes people who claim to be your friend aren't going to step up when things get Real, and I have to find people who won't shame me for expressing hopelessness. I have much better friends now and a therapist who respects me and a case worker who checks on me regularly, and I guess it took a mean trans woman to bully me to realize not every trans person actually cares about others in their community. Sometimes people don't have the capacity for compassion and it's not something I can change or should try to change about them. Idk I still have a lot of trauma around women in social hierarchies because most of the friend groups I've had were queer women who would assert dominance, and other me when I didn't submit to exactly the way they wanted me to be- this isn't like a "grr women evil" but like, as a queer enby woman myself, it hurts 20x more to be rejected by a trans woman. If a cis man is mean to me, I can accept it easier and it rolls off. Not being accepted by a trans feminine person hits a lot of my insecurities that I'm too male to be part of the sapphic community. I'm not womanly enough to be in the squad, I'm not perfectly poised and I'm abrasive sometimes, which makes me come off as "a man invading women's spaces." Let autistic women be angry and blunt, let us express disappointment without this "good vibes only" bullshit. I felt like I was being tone policed constantly and others were controlling my behavior to feel like I could 'fit' into the new friend group. I was fucking miserable and my OCD and paranoia spiraled and I developed an introject of the person who kicked us from their group server. This introject would be a persecutor and tell me about how I'm terrible and how I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't feminine enough, that me not shaving my beard and facial hair was hurting other trans women and making the community 'look bad.' Her own dysphoria was projected onto me and I felt like I had to shave and wear a full-face of makeup and pitch my voice up to not be seen as a man pretending to be a woman. I didn't need that inner critic telling me I'm not enough or that I'm too much for others when I'm struggling.

[nathank77]

4/20/24

3:36 a.m edited/added to 3:50 a.m

So I took that shower, and shaved my head and face once I stopped having sporadic heart palpitations. I really think I'm going to be diagnosed by a cardiologist with panic attacks and I'm worried it'll affect my insomnia prescription.

They give you antidepressants for it sometimes and I'll straight up refuse. I'm ommitting psychosis but antidepressants are always pushed. Of course they could perscribe me .25 of xanax for panic attacks intermittently. Idk I'm just afraid it'll make me lose my current script so I started panicking about that.

Then I started panicking about my report for Kristen bc of the freedom of Information act. People will see I'm lying about psychosis but I mean you can't tell I have hallucinations... so I mean if I say I got better and I act like I have been, how can you prove it? But can my Doctors see it when I submit it? Can anyone look it up like say a motor vehicle ticket or a court case? Cause that's concerning if anyone could look it up including my current Dr's.

I tried to look up complaints ingeneral in ct against therapists and doctors and I couldn't find a site with any information. Either way Mike was right about it and it was making me panic and have palpitations as I read about it bc I don't want this label anymore but Kristen needs to go fucking down. She needs to be stripped of her license. She's fucking negligent.

When I stopped reading and said as for right now the report isn't finished. Also I can say I refuse to take antidepressants and I can ask if I get a psychiatrist from my cardiologist, if getting a benzodiazepine script will stop my current script from my PCP bc at that point it isn't worth it. But it could be a heart condition but I think I got diagnosed at the ER for anxiety for a reason....

Once I stopped reading everything and thinking about it they stopped. However I think Kristen is the source of the problem... I can't stand that she is getting paid as a negligent therapist for months at a time while I suffer and she couldn't even say she's sorry when I'll never hear the wind in the trees again without hearing an auditory hallucination. When I'll never have silence again. She's getting paid and my life is ruined and constant chatter is necessary and it makes my life intolerable.

I had some palpitations out of the shower but I guess I'm just developing panic disorder I don't have to treat it with antidepressants right? As for Kristen I'm worried anyone including say my PCP will be able to read it and see NATHAN IS GOING TO LIE TO EVERYONE TO GET TREATED AS A HUMAN. That's my concern. Kristen still deserves to lose her license. Mike gave me real anxiety but he wasn't wrong. I just don't know how you find the information.

Anyways this is my head:

I wish I had lotion. That wasn't like extreme lotion for my hands that fall apart from washing them.. as a bald guy I should know better than to shave more than once every 4 or 5 days. I forgot when I used to shave every other day my skin got mad. That's why I started buzzing it with no gaurd instead.

Anyways I'm a warrior for fighting all these mental health issues and doing everything I do, it's hard and I feel like a warrior with an arrow in my knee or something but I'm still fighting, blood stained and partially dead, but more alive than I've ever been cause I love this guy and he is worth fighting for:

Silverstein is my vice atm. Silverstein is becoming my favorite band tbh. I like, like 50 of their songs lol idk if they top linkin park but it's fucking close.

[yourmoonmomma]

do you feel like you get past trauma by getting new problems and new traumas or do you get past it by healing and positive memories? i’m honestly kinda struggling rn and i see you as a strong person 😭 may i have some advice on how you pull through? ❤️‍🩹 thank you 🥹

My therapist would say ideally, you want to heal from past traumas, so when something new comes up that triggers them, you can deal with that new trauma without having to deal with the past as well. HOWEVER that is very hard to achieve! And a lot of the time we can think we've healed from something, only to realize after something triggers us, that we aren't quite as healed as we thought.

As well, sometimes you can only heal to a certain degree. Some things, I think, will come up in the future and trigger you, and you have to have the tools and skills to know how to work through it, and the belief that life is good and worth living.

I know some of my trauma isn't healed. When my brother died, it triggered a number of deaths from my past that I thought I had "grieved enough", but really hadn't. So I'm not only dealing with his death, but I'm also dealing with the feelings of a few other deaths I never truly grieved. But also, death is a terrible thing. I have a hard time believing that I'll only ever be able to focus on a current death, without also thinking of those from past. And that's okay! But some of my trauma is in the healing stages. I have awful abandonment trauma, but I've been in enough healthy relationships now (platonic as well as romantic), that when that trauma gets triggered, I can communicate very well about it, and I have faith/trust in what others tell me. If I think Jayson doesn't love me anymore, we have a conversation about it, and I believe his reassurance. And it has taken years to get to that point, and of course it isn't perfect! Sometimes I still get triggered to a point where I'm positive he'll leave. But we talk, and he shows me he won't, and even if I feel like he still will, I at least TRY to believe him.

I don't know if this really answers your question. In fact, after re-reading your question, I didn't answer it at all lol, I'm sorry, I totally misunderstood you. But you get past your trauma by healing and creating positive memories and experiences. And that can be so hard to do, especially if you continue experiencing trauma. But it's important to try to tell yourself that you are worthy of good things. One thing that helped me as I started really working on healing (especially with my BPD), was to write down objectively good things that were happening in my life. That way when I felt things were bad or people were going to leave, I could look back on that list. And even if it didn't help immediately, it at least reminded me that there was a point where I thought things were good. Which can help remind me that they will be good again, or that maybe I wasn't seeing things in full in the current negative moment.

OKAY SORRY THIS IS RAMBLY and again idk if it actually answers your question or helps you. If it doesn't, please let me know and I can try to answer better <3 You will get through what you're experiencing though. I know it <3 I love you <33

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary7

i got bored and used mouthwash is how my day is going.

not, like, in a stupid way. i just literally washed my mouth with it. i also just did the last workouts of the day, 36 hip thrusts and 30 squats (on top of my earlier in the morning 30 squats + leg lifts and other stuff i do on my back (not euphemistic)) now i am relaxing by listening to usurp synapse, who i was listening to earlier and i felt like i uncovered some kind of fact in how they structure their songs and went on to make another obscenely short song, my second one of the day.

i did get to record today, i've nailed down a song i didn't think i'd ever even get to honestly, re-wrote the lyrics to it too. i also, like i mentioned earlier, made two obscenely short songs. one is an 8 second long song with a 12 second long intro which i think i'm going to use as an intro for the album i'm working on, the other song is 23 seconds. idk where i'll fit it in but it's so short that it can basically go anywhere, as long as i can make it fit in the album emotionally/pacing wise.

tomorrow idk what i'm gonna do, i think what i'll do is leave the song i basically nailed down today, come back to it in a couple days or so, so that way i can come back with a clear head/ without obsession, and instead tomorrow i'll do a new song, maybe the new short one w/o vocals, and another shorter one, with more lyrical content though, and if my voice is up to it / i get them both handled well, i might go try another screamy song. i need to figure out some songs that don't require that though, i might try one of the longer (longer is so relative here, the longest song that's for sure on the album is going to be like 3 minutes. so longer meaning 2 minutes-ish) songs out that's less screamy and more freaked out androgyne stuff.

otherwise, today i prepared dinner for 4 nights tonight, i made miso butter chicken tonight, tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even the day after, idk what i'm gonna do with this other filleted chicken breast i have, maybe pan fry it after putting it in flour, idk what to do for sauce, it's already seasoned. the other 2 nights, i'm marinading stir fry. when i cut the chicken up, i always call it mr. chicken. tonight he was still kind of not totally thawed so the butchering was so cold it hurt my hands but this brand of chicken is honestly much easier to handle than i thought it'd be. idk why the other one feels like, denser, or something. what are they doing with these chickens. freaky stuff.

my mom texted me today to let me know that she is officially on the autism spectrum and i told her about how since highschool i've wondered if i'm autistic. i used to care a lot more about diagnoses then, i think i wanted to be told that i had everything wrong with me and that i was totally sick because if i were, i guess it made me more desirable, in a way, at least i felt like that. like if i were hopeless someone would really have to kill me. now i don't want any diagnosis and i hate psychiatry mostly but when my mom or really most other people talk about it helping them i'm just happy that they feel better in their life anyway they can, cuz everything is so miserable anyways. sometimes it does seem to confer a kind of condescension, some people begin speaking on behalf of their experts, outsourcing a sector of thought to an expert who sort of speaks through them in suggestions, like, you should get that checked out, maybe you need x, and whatever else. but it's easy enough to ignore people telling you (you generally, not a specific you, not pointed back at myself) why therapy is incredible and you should try it.

i don't even always hate therapists. i know some people would say i'm weak for that but they're just people caught up in a fundamentally fucked way of seeing people and trying to make that positive or helpful. they're losing so severely it's hard to not be sad for them.

a fairly light day i guess, or productive w/ music.

i found my gf's bone necklace, it has coyote bones on a chain. it wasn't really lost but i felt like i could lose it, it was under some books, i figured i'd need to find it sooner rather than later because i imagine she'd want to wear it.

she also didn't finish dinner tonight which she usually doesn't, so it's leftovers for me tomorrow cuz she doesn't eat leftovers. but that makes me worry about what she'll eat, i dunno. i can do ramen i guess but she'd feel ill over that probably.

bluhhhh

i really want to re-mix the stupid stupid short song, i need it to be a little more legible.

oh all my soreness is gone and i'm still all sorry for myself because i feel like i am still falling short of completing everything.

tomorrow i need to find a bunch of photos of maggots, grubs, caterpillars, and maybe a chrysalis or two to agglomerate into something for cover art.

i think i need to figure out the kick drums but the song sounds better now.

uhhhhhhhhhh whatever. i think this enough for today.

[mental-health-advice]

uh, hi! i guess i’ll just be blunt about it: i definitely have some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. my prime suspect has changed many times over the years, but i know it’s there and i can’t be making it up- my friends all know it, my family knows it, it’s obvious there’s something. hell i’ve got like 4 different predispositions just in my immediate family. but every time i try to see a professional to figure it out and maybe get me a diagnosis (i’m too nervous to self-dx and risk being wrong), they all say i seem “fine.” maybe because i’m self-aware and can describe my symptoms clearly? idk. but it worries me- my mom didn’t get diagnosed for pretty severe GAD until after she had me (30s), and my dad never even sought a diagnosis for his depression. i’m scared that’ll happen to me, that i won’t be able to know what it is for so long, or maybe ever. to be fair, i’ve yet to see a psychiatrist- this is because they are hard to find and my parents don’t wanna try looking for one without confirmation from an easier-to-access professional. i’m just. i’m scared, i guess, that i’ll never figure it out, and that the people who could help me will all just think i’m a hypochondriac for my whole life? it’s especially scary when i see how much my mom’s meds have helped her- what if there’s something like that that could help me but i’ll be deprived of it for years or decades to come? it’s horrifying, and it makes me mad to hear licensed professionals insist that they know me better than i do. they’re obviously well meaning but it’s just… i guess frustrating is the word? i just wanna know what the hell is up so i can learn how to accommodate for it, y’know? i uh, anyways. do you have any advice or suggestions for getting a diagnosis, or even just coping with being undiagnosed? thanks in advance.

Hey there,

Normally the first place/ person to go to, to get a diagnosis would be seeing your local doctor or GP and if they are unable or unwilling to help diagnose you then you are always in your right to ask for a referral to someone else, whether it be a specialist doctor or a counsellor or therapist. Although most counsellors cannot diagnose, they will have a bit of an idea or what is going on for you after getting to know you over a few weeks and if needed, they may have some contacts to refer you on to a psychiatrist if for example medication is recommended for to help treat your diagnosis/ symptoms.

Of course though, a diagnosis isn’t everything, but it can definitely help being able to give what your feeling/ experiencing a name.

Depending on your diagnosis there may be particular therapies that would be best suited to helping you recovery wise. So for example, dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) is more commonly used to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD), amongst other things. Of course though I am not a professional but I would encourage you to get a second or a third opinion in regards to your symptoms until a professional listens and takes you seriously. It is so good that you are being proactive about your mental health though and especially since you do have family with a history with mental health concerns/ diagnosis’.

I am not sure how you usually ask for help or for a diagnosis but sometimes as well as well as listing your symptoms, it can also be really helpful to give specific examples of how those symptoms greatly affect your life, and tell them that there is also a family history with metal health concerns/ diagnosis’. I suggest this as sometimes if we point out exactly what we feel we may have or suggest what may be going on for us diagnosis wise, then they can feel as though we are trying to do ‘their’ job or are making things up even though patients and clients should always be taken seriously with what they say and concerns they may have.

This is why it’s quite normal to get more than one professional’s opinion and especially if the first one or two people do not listen to us or takes us seriously. I should also point out that some doctors and GP’s may not be well educated when it comes to mental health so they may brush you off as they simply may not know what to do or suggest to you in regards for help and support.

Another option may be to contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling as sometimes they will be able to direct you to certain services that may be able to help you. Just something to think about! We also have a page on getting help for more ideas on how you can get/ ask for help although I feel as though you are already doing the majority of what is also suggested!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren  

[crazylil-lion]

Honestly its hard to know what to do.

Everyone looks to me like the answer to their problem.

Mom doesn't work says shes trying but shes been saying that for a year. Grandpa is dying. Fast. My little brother still struggling a crazy amount.

Like truthful everything went downhill once I left.

Ik my siblings and my dad wants me to come back.

I think mom realized she can't ask me that. I think she feels absolutely fucking awful about everything about how she treated me and how much money she takes from dad.

I think after I moved away mom realized all the mistakes she made. I think she realized the hate I developed for her.

I can tell in her voice she wants my approval. She wants me to tell her I'm happy with how things are going there.

Idk. Its hard when moving away gave me a huge change of perspective.

To realize all the things I missed. All the abuse and neglect.

To realize how much they needed me.

You know I realized very young I was the one that had to hold the house together. I had to be the one to be emotional support. My dad still takes care of my siblings. He still constantly buys them things. Constantly stops over just to take them out to eat.

He tries his hardest to make them happy and support them however he can.

Truthful I struggle to know what to do.

I wanna make them happier but I don't wanna move back.

I wanna get things in place so I can be away.

Idk what to do because I feel like things are constantly on me. And I don't even wanna live as is.

I feel like happiness for me just won't happen. Like I'm the one that makes other people happy.

But I'm always disposable.

People only care about having their needs met. Rarely does anyone even ask about my needs.

I'm just suppose to be the rock that holds everything together.

The one that supports everyone while getting no support.

I'm just fucking alone tbh. Expected to be this inhuman thing that can handle it all.

Need to be emotionless. Need to workout and be strong to be loved lol.

People say oh no no no. You can have love and be accepted without being muscular but thats not exactly true.

See people talk about body positivity for bigger women. But very fucking rarely like almost never do you see any supportive male body positivity.

I know of 2 posts. Total that really talk about it.

And said people are all more masc presenting.

Irl. Good fucking luck. My point is unless I'm feminine enough to be seen as a "femboy" I'm not masc enough for someone to want me as a male. Reinforced constantly by people.

So yea. Starve. Go cold. Learn to push this need of intimacy so far down that the comfort of razors is enough.

These are the only things I can do to survive anymore. Its easy for people who have had love. Who had emotional support growing up to see themselves having it again.

I can't see that. When the only girls that hmu on any dating app or even here are only trying to sell me their onlyfans.

When I'm just insulted for not being masc enough. Or not looking good in feminine things because im too masc to look good in them. Lol. Just born wrong and too emotional.

Truthfully I'm at a crossroads.

1. Give up. Kill myself as planned in August.

2. Let the hate win. Grow super fucking toxic. Hate everyone stop going out. Stop doing things for fun like xbox and weed.

And instead invest all my time in work. Become rich, do stupid things until I die from them.

3. Continue on this fucked path of trying to get better and have connections with people to only get treated like shit and reminded constantly of how horrible society is. Go to a 2nd therapist and add to my list of medications until I'm so numb I'm not even fucking me anymore.

None of them seem good. And honestly I don't know that I want anything anymore.

The idea of love and intimacy is amazing. But i doubt I'll have it. No ones attracted to me lol. No one really even tries to talk to me. And idk that it would help anything.

Plus I let someone in they see my bpd and my issues poof they gone.

So is it even worth it. Is it worth trying to get to the only thing I've ever wanted when all it does is fucking hurt.

Idk anymore. But I have to fucking decide.

Maybe its time to do some stupid risky decisions and prey it gets me killed. Thatll make me feel alive for a bit right? Maybe it will calm the screaming inside me to play with death. Maybe I'll play too long and be embraced by it.

Oh, self destruction seems like the least painful path.

Seems like thats all I've ever had thats consistently in my life.

Thats pretty pathetic😂