#but anyway i went at a different time of day and stayed in there for several hours just reading and drawing while other ppl did math

[giannaln4]

Sorry Won't Fix This

lando norris x fem reader

summary: Lando makes the biggest mistake of his life, bigger than any apology, and you both hoped there was a way to fix it. Unfortunately, you both wished it at different times. (5.5k words)

warnings: angst, cheating, mentions of sex, manipulation, mede up characters, use of Y/N

a/n: I FINALLY WROTE MORE ANGST! This is a long one and I held nothing back. I really did try to make it as hurtful and dramatic as possible and ngl I was inspired by 'Don't worry darling' for a tiny part of this (you'll know when you read it) but anyway, this one does NOT have a happy ending so please let me know what you think!

Check out the original request here!

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You had a terrible feeling, but you were too scared to look into it, terrified you would be right. 

Truth is, you started feeling like that just a few weeks ago, when you went back to Lando’s apartment to surprise him with lunch and found an empty room and the bed unmade from somebody sleeping on it. Any other day that would’ve been completely normal, but you had stayed with him the night before and made the bed as soon as you both got up to get ready for your separate plans for the day, leaving a perfectly made bed to come back to. 

Before that day, you would’ve never in a million years thought that Lando would cheat on you. He had always been so loving and caring, even before you started dating, and once you officially became a thing, he would constantly remind you how much he loved you, and on special days he was the most romantic person ever, and you always thought that you would spend the rest of your life with him, but now... you didn’t want to think about it, but you couldn’t bury the thought of him with someone else after it crossed your mind briefly while looking at the messy bed.

Later that night you asked him about it, trying hard not to sound like you were accusing him of something, but his excuse just made you feel worse, your suspicions growing.

“What do you mean?” He asked as he inspected his bed, unsure of what was wrong with it. 

“Well, you know, I made the bed this morning before we left, remember?”

“Oh, uh- yeah, I came back to- to take a nap,” he stuttered, not even looking at you. 

But it kept happening, a few more times.

Things started to change after that; he cancelled the plans you made for when he came back home, he suddenly was too busy every day and your presence might be a distraction for all the things he had to get done for the next race, he was so tired at night he didn’t have the energy for anything, and he even asked you to go back to sleep in your own apartment, claiming he just needed to sleep on his own to be comfortable, even though you were used to sleeping together.

Long story short, he was distant; he was never around anymore, and even when he was, you felt like you were missing him. He was just... different, and you were beating herself up wondering what had changed.

He, on the other hand, didn’t miss you, seeing he didn’t make an effort anymore and he could go days without answering a text or returning a call, ​​and it was not because you took a long time to reply; you would always respond in a heartbeat if it was him. If it weren’t for all the times you visited him at his apartment when a news outlet brought up that he was back in Monaco to make sure he was doing okay, you wouldn’t talk to each other at all.

But today you were feeling hopeful. It was your anniversary, and you had a date night planned — a date he didn’t cancel, so you took the entire afternoon to do your nails, your hair, and pick a beautiful dress to wear, his favourite dress. Your makeup took a while, but you still managed to be ready on time for the wonderful night you had ahead, so you made your way to him, your palms sweating when you knocked on the door.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” Was the first thing he asked, wiping her smile off of her face.

“I thought we would go out tonight,” you replied, looking down at your hands to hide your clear disappointment.

“Oh- I guess I forgot to tell you but I remembered I have an important meeting tomorrow morning, so I’m not gonna make it." The door was barely open, and he was standing where the crack was, blocking his apartment as he held the door with a strong grip.

“Okay,” your voice was so faint you barely heard it yourself. “Do you need anything? I could stay here for a couple of hours.”

“No, don’t worry about it. I think it’s better if you leave.”

Tears pricked your eyes, swallowing the small lump forming in your throat. “Why?”

“Well, I’m busy with a few things. You know, I have a really early day tomorrow, and you can’t really help me with a McLaren meeting, can you?”

You shook your head slowly “I guess I’m leaving then.”

The tears you had been holding started to fall as soon as you turned around; you could feel your mascara clumping on your eyelashes and forming black streaks down your cheeks, ruining the contour and highlight you applied in hopes of impressing your boyfriend. You ran back to your car and let it all out once you closed the door. You really thought things would be different tonight, but you were wrong.

You started driving to your best friend’s house, desperate to vent about how terrible your relationship was going since you had been keeping a secret from everyone; the last thing you needed was the media to get in the middle of this. 

“Oh my god, Y/N. Are you okay?” Mia asked you when she saw the mascara tears.

You shook your head as you stepped inside, small whimpers leaving your lips as you tried to stop the crying.

“What happened?” She took your hand and guided you to the couch.

“Lando.” 

“What about Lando?”

“I think he’s cheating on me." You had never said that out loud, and saying it broke your heart even more. “I wish I was crazy, but the signs... I know he is.”

“I’m not trying to defend him or anything, but what makes you think that?”

“Everything, Mia. He has been acting so... distant. Ever since-” You stopped yourself. You never told anyone your relationship with Lando wasn’t doing so well, making up excuses to cover his. You just wanted to hold on to everyone else’s idea of you two, thinking you were the perfect couple.

“What? Have you guys been fighting?”

You took a deep breath before saying, “Remember the last time I stayed over at his apartment?” She nodded in response, “Well, later that day I went back to surprise him with lunch, but he wasn’t there and the bed was a complete mess, and you know I always make the bed when I wake up. He said he went back to take a nap, but he was supposed to be with Carlos all morning, and it didn’t make sense he had time to come back, take a nap, and then leave again, so I asked Carlos, and they didn’t meet at all that day. Is that insane?”

"No, Y/N, of course not.” Mia didn’t know what to say; she wanted to comfort you but she didn’t know how. “And he’s been acting weird since then?”

You nodded, wiping your tears away. “Yeah, he’s been pushing me away since that day. Telling me he doesn’t have time because he’s so busy with the season, which I understand, but not even answering a couple of texts? And cancelling every date we had planned?”

“Is that what happened today? I thought it was your anniversary.”

“It is.” You were nibbling on your lip profusely, looking up so tears would stop falling. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Have you told him how you feel?” You shook your head again; you hated confrontation, and you were hoping you didn’t have to do that. “I think you should go talk to him.”

“Right now?”

“If not now, then when? You say you’ve been feeling like something’s off for a while, but you haven’t said anything to him.”

“I don’t know Mia-”

“If he is cheating on you then you need to break up with him, you don’t deserve to be in that situation, and you deserve to know the truth.”

You inhaled as you considered what Mia just said. She was right, but to be completely honest, you weren’t ready yet. “I really want to know, but I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Because what if he is?” Tears started rolling down your face again, Mia hugging you tight as soon as it happened. “I love him, and... I just want things to go back to normal.”

“I know you do, but believe me, it’s better if you know.”

You stayed there for a while, but ultimately decided to go talk to him, but you needed to put yourself back together before confronting him. Mia helped you to wash your face and fix your hair, comforting you and offering to stay with you once the two of you were done talking. You accepted; you didn’t want to be alone, and Anne, your flatmate, had been going out of town a lot recently, so your apartment was empty, and you knew it’d be a long night.

Once you felt better and ready to talk to him, Mia drove you to his place as you repeated in your head everything you wanted to tell him. You knocked loudly and didn’t stop until he opened. He looked annoyed, and you stormed inside as soon as he opened the door.

“What are you doing?”

“We need to talk.”

“About what?” 

You blinked at him twice. Did he not think you needed to talk? “About us, Lando. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Okay, now you were mad. “Lando, you have been ignoring me for days, and I understand if you’re busy, but it doesn’t explain you pushing me away at all times.”

“I’m sorry if you feel that way.”

There was a moment of silence, both of you staring at each other as you tried to remember the questions you were supposed to ask, but none of them seemed to make sense now that you were standing in front of him “That’s all you’re gonna say?”

“What do you want me to say?” 

“How about you tell me exactly what’s going on?”

You were both raising your voices, but Lando especially. “I told you already, I’ve been busy with the season-”

“I could’ve stayed here with you or gone with you to races if that meant spending more time together, like we have done before.”

“But why would you want to do that?”

“To keep you company, maybe?” 

“But all you do is stand around while I do my job.”

“Lando, do you know how many weeks I’ve spent away from home just so we can be together? And you don’t even care anymore, you didn’t even care to say thank you.”

“I never asked you to come,” he mumbled.

You scoffed before shaking your head. “I wanted to, you know I worry about you when you stress yourself out about a race, you tend to overwork yourself-”

“I. Never. Asked. You. To. Come." He interrupted you, his tone punctuated with each word. “I would’ve been fine without you, I don’t need you in my hair at all times." His eyes hardened, his mouth opening to speak again. “Don’t you have better things to do?”

“I just- I’m your girlfriend, I guess I thought you liked to be with me.”

“I do, but you don’t have to be so clingy all the time.”

You didn’t say anything, hoping you heard it wrong or that he’d apologise, but he didn't. “What?”

“You know, we do everything together and-”

“No, we used to do things together, not everything." You corrected him.

He took a deep breath, as if he was done dealing with you. “Right. Look, I’m tired, we can talk tomorrow.”

You nodded, holding back the tears as you walked towards the door. “Happy anniversary,” you said before slamming it closed and running back to Mia’s car.

Lando sat on his couch with his head between his hands for a moment. How could he forget? He took a deep breath as he got up, looking for a ribbon and a gift he bought for you who knows how long ago.

He made his way to Mia’s flat; he assumed you would be there, and your car parked outside confirmed his suspicions, so he knocked on the door a couple of times before saying, “Baby, I’m sorry. I was caught up in all the things I have to do before leaving, and I didn’t realise what day it was." But he got no response. “Y/N please, I know you’re here. Will you please talk to me?”

“Go away, Lando.” Mia was the one to yell, making Lando realise he would not be able to fix it, not tonight anyway. 

“Okay, I’m leaving this here. I- I love you.”

You called in sick for your job the next day, your sore eyes and pounding headache being the only things you could think about. Well, that and Lando.

You were staring at the gift he bought for your one-year anniversary — what you were supposed to celebrate the day before. It was beautiful, and you couldn’t believe he remembered you mentioning it on one of your first dates ever, but it was the letter inside that broke your heart. It looked... unfinished, like he didn’t even care enough to give it a proper ending, so you were wondering how long ago he stopped working on it.

The days after that were rough, long nights of wondering what you could have possibly done wrong, but even then you didn’t talk to him. He tried to, a couple of times, but you needed a little bit of time.

A couple of weeks went by, and you found yourself alone at your apartment, catching up on the work you missed for calling in sick so many times.

It was your birthday, and Mia insisted a million times you go out and celebrate, clear your head, and forget about Lando once in for all, but somehow it felt wrong; you had made plans with Lando a few months back to bring your family to a race so they could finally meet him, but obviously that wasn’t happening anymore, so what was the point of celebrating? You just needed to focus and get things done anyway.

You were thankful that Mia had been for you through it all; you really were, but sometimes crying alone did more for you than having someone tell you ‘everything's gonna be okay.' You were tired of hearing that.

Hours later, you found yourself with a cup of coffee to finally catch up on the last project. It wasn’t really that much of a workload, and you didn’t need to stay up all night to do that, but you were going to anyway. Perhaps you just wanted to be productive, or maybe that was you trying to occupy your mind from the possibility of your boyfriend cheating on you.

You looked at the clock; it was 11:30 PM. You sighed, typing away whatever you were supposed to on your laptop, your eyes sore from staring at it for too long, when a text message interrupted you.

Unknown [Attachment: 1 photo]

Unknown: I heard they have been at it for a while.

That text message induced such a great shock on your tired, worn-out body, tears falling down your face as soon as you read it. You didn’t want to open it as you were sure of what this was about, but your curiosity got the best of you.

Tapping on the notification, you prepared yourself mentally to confirm your terrible suspicions. And they were confirmed.

Your vision was blurry from the tears, but you were able to see Lando standing next to his new Ferrari, and he was with someone else, except you couldn’t see who it was, the big jacket and a beanie protecting her identity. He was smiling down at her, eyes full of... love? Those green eyes you thought he reserved for you only, but clearly you were wrong. His big hands were around her waist as hers went around his neck, and his lips were stained with lipstick.

You broke down crying, curled up on your bed as you wore one of Lando’s hoodies that still smelt like him. You now knew what the truth was, but you didn’t want to accept it. What happened to you two? When did he stop loving you?

It was like your heart was ripped from your chest; all that time you spent together down the drain like it was nothing, like it all meant nothing to him.

You didn’t know for how long you cried the night before, but it was now 1 PM and you were just waking up, so you probably cried for hours. There was nothing left you could do to save your relationship, so you made up your mind to break up with him as soon as he came back from the American triple header.

Y/N: We need to talk, just let me know when you’re here.

The message was left unanswered, as usual. You rolled your eyes and put your phone down, returning to your video call with Mia.

“Do you know who that is?”

“No, sorry.” 

You sighed as you sipped your hot coffee “What about the number? Do you know who sent the picture?”

“What’s the number? Maybe I can ask around to see if any of my friends know.”

You sent her the phone number, along with the picture of Lando and the other girl. “Thanks. Don’t show anyone that picture thought. I’m already embarrassed as it is.”

“Embarrassed? Y/N, he should be the embarrassed one, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Maybe I did-”

“No, stop doing that to yourself. We both know it’s not your fault.”

You nodded. “I can’t help it. I just don’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Was I not enough? Why did he need to find someone else?”

Mia hated to see you going through that, how you felt like you were not enough or that it all ended because of you, and she hated Lando for causing all of that. “I know it’s hard right now, but I promise you’ll understand that none of this is your fault. Y/N you’re amazing, and he’s an idiot for not realising.”

Talking to her made you feel better, but all those terrible emotions came back whenever you looked at the picture again, a million questions invading your mind. How long has he been doing this? Who is she? Does he still love you? What did you do wrong?

A couple of days later, Lando finally replied to your text.

Lando: Just got back. I’m in my apartment

Your heart sank at the notification; you didn’t want to talk to him; you didn’t want things to be over. There was still a part of you that hoped everything was just a misunderstanding, hoping he wasn’t cheating on you and she was just a friend. But deep down you knew the truth, and the possibility of it being a mix-up was down to zero, and after he made it clear that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore, you decided to fulfil his wishes.

It was a long drive to his home; it felt longer than usual, but maybe you were just dreading the conversation you knew was about to happen.

You took a deep breath before knocking on the door, Lando opening it almost right away.

"Hey,” he said faintly, worried he got caught.

“Hi.” You entered the apartment you once thought you would move into and looked around. You had been there a million times, and so many of those times were special little moments you shared together, but right now it felt like you were disconnected from the space. “How was the triple header?”

“Not great- I don’t know. It was messy, I guess." He tried to give you a smile but stopped himself when he noticed your stare full of fury. “What did you want to talk about?”

Seriously? “I’m breaking up with you." Your voice was weak, but you did not dare let a tear slip past your waterline; he didn’t deserve to see you cry. 

“What?” The shock in his eyes looked so real that you almost believed him “Why?”

“Did you really just ask that?”

“So that’s it? We’re over?”

“Lando, come on, we’ve been over for a while." You stepped closer to him, pain and anger written all over your face as the tears struggled to stay on your eyes. “We didn’t even feel like a couple anymore. Lando, you forgot our anniversary, and that day you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me. And to think I planned a beautiful night for us and bought you a great gift. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt?” 

“I didn’t know you were feeling like that.”

“Of course not, when have you ever listened to me anyway?”

Lando rolled his eyes “Okay, I understand, but we don’t have to break up, I already explained what happened that day, I was busy and completely lost track of time.”

“And I guess she doesn’t have anything to do with this?” You showed him the picture, his demeanour changing immediately.

“Y/N, I- I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry." His eyes and his voice softened as he tried to reach for you, but you turned around and wiped the tears that managed to leave your eyes, a million questions flooding your mind again.

“So it’s true." You were just confirming to yourself what you already knew. Anger and pain washed over your body. Why her? Why her when you’ve been nothing but perfect to the man you loved the most?

“Baby, I can explain.” 

You turned around to face him again “Who is she?” He shook his head, his eyes begging you not to make him say it while yours watered, “Who is she?” You repeated.

“You don’t wanna know.”

“Why? Cause I might find out you’re cheating?”

A few tears started to roll down his face, his hands desperate to hold yours. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Cause you’re gonna hate me even more." You stared at him, even more tears falling as you tried to think who the girl could be. 

“Did you two- did you sleep with her?” His nod was barely perceptible; if you didn’t already know the answer, you would’ve missed it. Maybe he was right; maybe it’d be better if you didn’t know. 

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop it.”

“I know I fucked up, but she doesn’t mean anything to me, I swear.”

“Shut up, Lando. I just… I don’t understand.”

“Let me explain-”

“And I don’t care how many times you apologise, how do you expect me to forgive you?” You took a couple of steps back, trying to figure out what caused him to do such a thing. “Even if we stayed together and got married and started a family, how can I ever look at you and not think about that?”

"Baby, I want all of that, I want the rest of my life with you, like we talked.”

“That was before you ruined everything.”

“I know what i did is wrong-”

“Wrong?”

“But we can work this out.”

“What? No, Lando, stop.”

“Just give me another chance, please.”

“Is that why you've been so distant, huh? Was she here on our anniversary?” Lando didn’t say anything, and the flashes from Lnado’s knuckles turning white from holding the door closed that night creeped your mind. Your heart ached so much that every time you breathed deeply, it was scorching you to the core “How could you do that?”

“I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising.”

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Just stop… god.”

“Y/N just hear me out, I swear it only happened once.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I know that’s not true. Do you know how many times I came to an unmade bed? And how many excuses you made?” He stayed silent. “I don’t care how many times it happened, you still did it and nothing is gonna change that.”

“I know.”

“You’ve been hurt before, right? What if I was the one cheating? Would you just forget it ever happened and come back to me?” Once again, he didn’t say anything. “No. Of course you wouldn’t. Lando, how could I ever forget what you did? Or everything you said to me when we were fighting, and the fact that you lied and- and cheated-”

“But you came all the way here.”

“Because I care, and you... you never cared, you never tried-”

“I care, I care so much. Baby, please, you have to believe me." He tried to reach out to you, but you pushed his hand away.

"No, you don’t, and if I’m here, it’s because I know after this we’ll never see each other again, we’ll never talk again and this just has to end.”

“But I don’t want it to end.”

“Well, you ended it when you cheated on me.”

He stared at you for a moment before continuing. “But… I want you, she didn’t mean anything to  me." He approached you again, his hope growing a little when you didn’t stop him. He put a strand of hair behind your ear, softly brushing your cheek. “I know I fucked up but I can’t go on without you, I just can't.”

“Well you have, countless times while I was left in the dark wondering if I had done something wrong, crying myself to sleep when I couldn’t get a hold of you, Lando, and in the meantime you were with her.”

“I’m sorry-”

“And you have the nerve to say all that shit to me, acting like I was suffocating you when in reality I was trying to save us!” You pushed him away.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry, please let’s talk about it.”

“Fine, let’s talk about it. Was she worth it?” He shook his head, ready to leave his pride behind as he kneeled in front of you and grabbed one of your hands. “What are you doing? Stop.”

“I promise it was an accident, it won’t happen again.”

“An accident? Lando, are you hearing yourself right now?”

“Please, don’t let me go." The grip on your hand tightened, pulling you closer to him.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” 

“No. I don’t want anyone else, I want you, Y/N”

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“But everything I said... I meant it, I love you Y/N and every second we’ve been together has meant everything to me. Baby, you have to understand.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying, you know I’m not." You pushed his hand away, rolling your eyes when another tear rolled down his face. “I know I don’t deserve it but please... just one more chance and I can fix this.”

“Give you a chance? I gave you a chance when I believed your excuses, when I forgave you for cancelling every date we had planned, when I tried to understand why you locked me out, and when I almost forgave you for forgetting our anniversary, I gave you so many fucking chances!”

“But I swear it wasn’t like that, she meant nothing.”

“You’re unbelievable… god, what are you saying?”

“Just think about how great we are together,” he said, trying to hold your torso, but once again you stopped him. 

“Lando, stop that.”

“We’re a great team, aren’t we? We understand each other so well, we know each other better than anyone else, god, I’ll do anything, I swear.”

“No, it’s not gonna work.”

“Yes it will, and I’ll make sure of that.”

“No.” You were having a hard time blocking out how much love you still had for him, but you weren’t forgiving him; there was no way.

“I swear I don’t want anyone else." He held your hands and started kissing them, his lips giving you a sense of home that you missed. "Y/N, please, I love you.” 

You nodded weakly as you started crying again.

“You know I love you and I would do anything for you." He continued kissing you, a few tears falling on your hands. “Do you still love me?”

“I love you... Lan-” You released one of your hands from his grip, squeezing your eyes shut and covering your face.

“See? It will work, we will make it work." You shook your head; you were feeling stupid for almost falling for that. "Baby, look at me, it’s going to be okay, I promise.”

A moment of silence fell into the room as you collected your thoughts again, and he just looked at you hopeful that he could get you back. “Who is she?” You dared to repeat the question as you looked at him again.

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, his voice barely above a whisper when he finally answered. "Annie.”

Annie, your flatmate Annie. She had never met Lando before you, and she wasn’t interested in who he was when you first told her you started dating him, so you were the reason they knew each other for all those times he picked you up from your place, and even then you never considered them to be friends; they barely exchanged any words when they ran into each other. You felt betrayed on a whole new level, not only by Lando but by her too. You had lived with her for so long, literally since the day you moved to Monaco, so you thought of her as one of your closest friends; how could she do that? And these past weeks, when she had been mourning your relationship with Lando, she was there the whole time, and she knew exactly what was happening.

“How long?”

You were getting annoyed at how long it was taking him to answer your simple questions. “The day we went to meet my parents... I drove to your apartment to pick you up, but you weren’t there yet.”

“So you did it at my place?” It wasn’t really a question, and you felt even more disgusted at the thought of them in your own home.

“It was one moment of weakness.”

“One moment of weakness?” He nodded, his hands now holding on to your hips. “But it didn't stop there, did it?”

“I’m sorry.”

You swiped the tears away as you prepared to ask the question you had been asking yourself for weeks. “What does she give you that I can't?”

Lando shook his head quickly. “Nothing, you’re everything I could ever ask for.”

“Then why did you do that?”

He didn’t have an answer; he didn’t really know how it happened or why it kept going, but he couldn’t deny he was enjoying it before he got caught. “I don’t know." He whispered.

“Do you love her?”

“No, of course not. I love you." He was holding you tighter, convinced that if he held you long enough, you would want to stay.

“Oh my god, I’m so stupid.”

“You know it didn’t mean anything, it was a mistake-”

“Get your hands off me, I’m leaving,” you said as you tried to free yourself.

“Baby, please don’t leave, you have to hear me out.”

“Lando, let go. I don’t wanna be here." Your words struggled to come out from how much you were crying. 

“Please don’t, I don’t wanna let you go." He looked up at you, his eyes begging for forgiveness. “Let’s just talk about it, yeah? Let me explain.”

“Save it, Lando, it’s over.” 

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. This is obviously my fault, so I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to stay, just please, one more chance is all I’m asking for.” You finally freed yourself, and your only goal was to go back to your apartment and cry all your pain away. You turned around and headed to the door; his hand tried to come to stop you, but you flinched away. You couldn’t bear to hear another word from him. "Baby, please, I love you.”

You turned around to face him one last time, spotting Lando still on his knees in the middle of his living room. “So you’ve said, but how can you hurt someone you claim to love so much?” He was about to say something, but you didn’t wanna hear it. “There’s nothing you can do to get me to stay, you threw everything away.”

“I know, my love, but-”

“I’m gonna leave and you’re gonna stay here, just… leave me alone, I don’t ever wanna see you again.”

You exited the room, leaving Lando alone and a complete mess. He regretted what he did, and he wanted to think that if you would just give him a chance to explain himself, you’d forgive him. But he knew that would never be the case and that his mistake was bigger than any apology; you were right to leave him.

He stared at the door for too long, taking in every emotion he was feeling: remorse, anger, pain, agony... he just felt like life was being sucked out of his body because he ruined the most important part of it, and there’s no one to blame but himself.

[sammysbrokenheart]

Infinity.

Summary: You and Billie met before the fame and the fortune, but some things aren't always meant to be. (written in your pov)

Billie and I have been attached at the hip since we were 14. We did everything together and that's how we like it.

When we turned 15 it turned into something flirty. It was so innocent though. Two best friends seeing each other differently. That was also around the time Ocean Eyes happened.

Billie's life changed rapidly, but your bond stayed exactly the same. Somewhere during all the chaos you two fell in love and your best friendship turned into your first ever relationship.

"Baby I miss you," she says over the phone. That was the only way that we could communicate lately because Billie became so busy.

"I miss you too my love," I say sitting up from my bed. It was the middle of the night, between all of the touring and craziness she always tried to call. She sometimes forgets that timezones exist.

"When I get home I'm gonna spoil you rotten baby," She said and I could feel my heart skip a beat.

She's supposed to come home in three days and I can't wait to finally see her again. In three days is also my 18th birthday and in all the years of dating (all two years) she always made sure to make your day special.

I remember last years birthday was so romantic. She filled my bedroom with balloons and other cute decorations. After the shock died down we had dinner and watched Spirited Away. That's our favourite movie to watch together.

~~~next day~~~

"Why the face?" my brother asked when we were busy washing and drying the dishes the next day. I almost cut my hand from shock because my mind was so occupied.

"Yesterday Billie and I were talking and I don't know... I feel uneasy," I say handing him the knife in my hand.

"Why?" my brother said with a confused look on his face.

"I don't know I haven't heard from her since then and I know it could be nothing, but it doesn't feel like that..." I say scrubbing the plate in my hand.

"Come on it's Billie we're talking about... She loves you," he said slowly taking the plate out of my hand.

I could feel tears forming in my eyes and my heart felt heavy. She did love me. I kept repeating that to myself

"Heyyy stop doing that! It's gonna be okay," he pulled me into his arms and I couldn't help but cry.

~~~next day~~~

I woke up bright and early. I couldn't sleep from excitement anyway. I spent the better half of my morning picking something to wear and when I finally did it was 10 am, I spent 3 hours picking something to wear.

My parents and brother surprised me with a very sweet birthday breakfast. After the birthday breakfast my best friend Allan and Britney came to drag me away to some surprise.

I tried not to be too excited about it. I kept thinking that maybe Billie was waiting at the destination, hidden away somewhere to surprise me, but that wasn't the case. The surprise was a lovely picnic with all of our other friends. They sang for me and baked me the most delicious cake yet somewhere deep inside I was disappointed.

I looked down at my phone, no message.

"Come in birthday girl let's go take some pictures by the lake," Britney pulled me up from where I was sitting and dragged me to where the others were standing. Allan brought her camera and she was super excited to take some pictures.

After another hour they took me back home. At home my mother and father were in the backyard chatting and my brother was nowhere no be found.

Time passed slowly and before I knew it, it was dark. I stared up at the ceiling. Every second felt agonizing because they were seconds without Billie. Maybe I jinxed myself? Why did I say what I did yesterday?

I picked up my phone and tried to call her. What if something was wrong and she wasn't okay? Her call went straight to voicemail which was very unlike her and that made me panic even more.

The next morning came slowly. Anxiety kept me awake all night, this horrible feeling landed in the pit of my stomuch. I slowly dragged myself out of bed and went straight to the bathroom.

I decided to freshen up and take a shower immediately. There was no use in trying to sleep again. I went to pick up my phone and saw that it's off, it must have died in the middle of the night.

After placing my phone on charge I went down stairs to make myself some breakfast. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"I know I fucked up and I know you're probably mad at me, but I swear I can explain," Billie said as soon as the door opened.

I could feel my heart melt. All the anger and disappointment disappeared the moment I saw her.

"Y/N..." she said again and I realized that I must have zoned out.

Without any warning I wrapped my arms around her holding her tightly. It felt so comforting to be in her arms again like finally coming home after a long trip. Billie was my home.

"Let me make it up to you?" she asked and I nodded immediately. I didn't care what we were doing or what she had planned as long as we were together.

She was recognized all day and because she has such a big heart she made sure to give every fan equal attention. It made my heart swell to see her interact with her fans. It made me proud. At the same time spending time with Billie made me realize that I had no idea who she was anymore.

In the middle of our outing to the movies she got a call. She apologized profusely whispering frantically as she quickly got up and rushed out of the movie theater.

I sat there frozen staring at the screen. For some reason I couldn't move and for a moment it felt like I couldn't move at all.

This was her way to make up for missing my birthday and she left. She left.

That night she was on a plane back to wherever, I didn't care to ask, when she told me she was gone I immediately ended the call.

~~~two months later~~~

I broke up with Billie a week after that incident, I didn't want to, but it was for the best. I refused to watch us slowly drift the way I've been doing. My girlfriend became a stranger to me.

"Okay sis this tree is ugly as hell," my brother said with a judgemental look on his face as he examined my tree decorations.

I stood back looking at my Christmas tree.

"What do you mean!? This is the prettiest fucking Christmas tree ever," I said defensively.

My father peeked through the door, "He's right sweety..."

"Dad why would you take his side!" I said just as the doorbell rang.

I hurried to the door, it was probably Allan coming with her gift for me. I opened the door and immediately closed it and ran back to the living room.

"Who was it?" my brother asked then suddenly the doorbell rang again.

"Don't you dare!" I told him, but he didn't listen.

"Oh my gosh Billie!? Come on in baby!" my mother beat my brother to the door.

My brother bolted along with my dad. Suddenly it was just Billie and I alone in the living room. I quickly walked to the tree and started to remove the decorations. It was fucking ugly.

"This is a God awful tree," she said standing next to me and started helping me remove the decorations.

"Shut up..." I said.

I could feel her look at me every once in a while, but I didn't dare to look at her.

"So... Fuck Y/N look at me!" she said cupped my face in her hands forcing me to look at her.

"Billie I don't know what you're doing here-"

"I am here to get my fucking girlfriend back. At first I was a smart ass and I wanted to prove to myself that I'm alright but I'm fucking not. I'm not fucking alright Y/N," she said. I pushed her hands off of my face and took a step back.

"Y/N I know I get busy and I'm sorry for not always bringing you along on my journey, but I want you here. I want you with me, please let me prove to you how much I want you around," she said and I sighed. I had no idea what I was going to do.

Cliffhanger ♡♡

[soldearestsoulmate]

This...went completely elsewhere on what I was planning in the end. Whoops?

A idea over how Sol would react to a MC who isn't as trusting of him, and pretty much wants nothing to do with him.

Warnings: Implied drugging, nonconsensual acts, sexual assault, stalking, obsessiveness over the MC, etc.

The only reason you helped him that day in the library was because you felt bad for the guy. Nothing more.

And the fact you shared a class was him was a coincidence, and bother too. You wanted to put that day behind you, but seemed you couldn't now.

You tried to ignore him, said to him to just move on from that incident when he brought it up. But he seemed to want the opposite.

Suddenly he's asking you to eat with him during lunch. You declined. Then after a few times of saying no, he started to go to the cafeteria with you, but never sat with you and your group of friends.

He sat alone in another table, clearly uncomfortable but stayed near by. And watched you, observed you from afar...You tried to ignore it, ignore him, but everyone noticed it now. It was awkward.

Until you had to leave the place and he followed along like a puppy. Since it was becoming too much now for you to endure.

Then he started to offer(insist) on helping carry your books, help with your work, etc. Even if you didn't like it or want it.

It was driving you mad, and you felt uncomfortable, especially since he didn't know about personal space now, or the meaning and word "NO".

Crowe tried to reassure you maybe he's just trying be friends with you is all. Just doesn't know how well...And then he brought up how he was very determined like him to always be with you and by your side. To break through your barriers to finally have you trust him. And see he meant no harm to you. Only wanted to be your friend...(and more maybe one day).

Though...Crowe was different. You knew this, or recalled that is...Sol however...It felt...wrong...troubling. Something didn't feel right, and you listened to your gut instead of pushed it away.

Yet even with all that, Sol continued to follow you. Until you had enough, and accepted him in your life. Since all the fighting back was pointless anyway you felt finally.

He became a second shadow to you now. But a clear one all could see, and some even avoided you now since he became a personal body guard too.

"...Fuck...Forgot my penci--" "I got one, pumpkin." "...T-thanks..." You never understood why he called you that...It made you feel weird...Yet tried to get used to it. It was just a silly nickname after all. No real deep meaning or all behind it, right?

Then he started to accompany you home, enter your home, through your invite that is...That's when you should of listened to your gut but you were tired. He exhausted you. He was annoying but never tried anything to harm you, so you thought whatever to it all...You should of listened...kept fighting.

The next day you woke up in bed, drowsy, and felt...odd...Your body felt, not like itself, but you couldn't understand why. Then you realized you were in bed, no recollection how you got there...What even happened last night?

Then you realized, you were being held by someone...Their arms wrapped around you. It startled you, scared you. You moved away fast and noticed who was in bed with you...Sol...

"W-what the hell?! W-what are you doing in my bed!" Shit shit...what happened?! You couldn't remember. Your mind was racing over this all. But Sol tried to calm you down, reassure you nothing happened, that you were okay. Just you both fell asleep in bed together after talking a long time, and he accidently clung to you in his sleep. That's all. (That was a lie.)

That calmed you down a little, but you still felt uncomfortable over this all.

"...Please leave. I appreciate you not doing anything to me, and staying over...I guess... But...I need time alone. Also I got to get ready for school." Sol nodded and gave a small frown but asked for something before leaving. "...Can I give you a hug before I go? If that's...alright?"

Now you were more weirded out than before...but he looked really sad as he looked at you, with pleading eyes at that...God...It was just one hug right? You didn't like them but said fine finally.

The way he hugged you felt like you being engulfed whole. He held you close, and tight. Then you felt something at your neck...His lips ever so lightly brushing against your skin. It sent shivers down your spine, and you wanted to push him back and off but he didn't budge.

"S-Sol. I think this is enou--!!" It was without warning, he bit into your neck, making you let out a loud gasp. Shit you should of hated this, you wanted to but it felt...familiar, so...good? What was going on with you?

"Heheh...Just like last night..." Hearing that made you feel ill and confused. What did he mean? But before you could ask, he bite again, but sucked on your flesh where he bit at. You felt your body heat up from that now. Your hands gripped his back, and nails started to dig and claw into him. Though that only excited him more.

"I want you to remember what happened before...I might of...lied about nothing happening last night...But you'll forgive me right? After you remember how good it felt. How good I make you feel~."

Now you tried again to push him off but he didn't move. He was strong...Stronger than you believed. Shit if he was this strong then why did he take those hits before that day in the library? Why did he jus--Before you could try to piece together why. He kissed your lips, forcing his tongue inside your mouth and intruded in you.

You tried to fight back at first, then suddenly you found yourself enjoying this, loving this...Before you knew it you were back onto your bed, him on top of you. Making out with him. While already he was rubbing your sweet spot below, making you groan and whimper during it all. You didn't want this...right? Your mind screamed no but your body...It said other wise...

"You'll finally know how much I love you, pumpkin. You'll finally realize we're meant to be~." His words scared you...Yet like a moth to a flame, he drew you in.

And even though your mind was screaming no, this couldn't have been too bad, right? Since it felt right, and good...He made you feel good.

Maybe for once, it was okay to let him in...to trust him...

[jelzorz]

196.

With a very vague reference to 191.

Soren jokes because it's how he deals with things. It's how he's always dealt with things, and things in his life have not been easy. His mother left and he became a clown for Claudia. His father treated him poorly and he used humour to pretend it was okay. Queen Zubeia went missing once, and he spent the entire search being an idiot and annoying Corvus to keep things light.

Things have been bad before. They've been downright horrible before, and he's pulled through, and pulled others through by being ridiculous and stupid and funny.

It's pretty hard to imagine worse than this, though.

It's only been a couple of days since the attack on the castle. He and the other soldiers have moved the surviving civilians from the temples to the Banther Lodge where they'll stay until they can sort something else out, and in the distance, the ruins are still smouldering, still a grim reminder of dragon fire and destruction and death. Soren's gone back a few times already to look for more survivors, to help dig bodies out of the rubble, to salvage what little they can and it hasn't gotten easier. He can't imagine that it will.

And then Callum and Rayla had come back with—

He shakes his head. He's already had to speak to Opeli about this because she'd been furious about it, and Soren had tried to understand Callum and Rayla's perspective, he really had, especially considering that he's just lost his own dad, however complicated and messy all that was in the first place, but this? This is different.

This feels like an insult.

This is rubbing salt in an already festering wound.

The Kingslayer sits at their table and Soren can't help but be bitter about it, especially when a Skywing elf by the name of Astrid arrives to deliver more bad news.

Of course he turns to humour. Of course he makes jokes. Of course he's an idiot to defuse the tension that stretches over the dinner table, taut as bowstring and ready to snap. And of course—

"Do you think you can stop being an idiot for, like, a second?"

Soren turns to Callum, his jaw tight. "Excuse me."

Callum scowls back. "All this and Aaravos is out anyway. The castle's gone. People have died. And you're, what, making jokes? Seriously?"

Soren snaps back before he can stop himself. "Sorry," he drawls. "Are we supposed to be as angsty about this as you?"

"You can get your priorities straight at a minimum—"

"Priorities!" Soren actually laughs. "We're gonna talk about priorities? Okay. Where the fuck were you when all this happened, huh? What were you doing while I was here dealing with a dragon attack on our home?"

Callum has the audacity to snarl. "I was helping Rayla—"

"Bring back the elf that murdered your step-dad and who would have murdered Ezran too, right? Because we all know how you sort your priorities."

Silence falls over the table. Callum snaps his mouth shut. Rayla has the decency to flush.

Soren pushes his seat back and gets up. "Sorry for trying to keep everyone together," he says acidly. "Some of us have different priorities to you."

He stalks away. One by one, the others do too. For once, there is nothing to say and no joke to make it better.

[emchante]

I see you responding to all the divorced dad! Daniel asks with wonderful fluff and smut, and I raise you some angst.

How about Daniel taking on more co-parenting, so the kids are fully at his house for 2 weeks or more. And you love them, but your "babysitting" skills are more fun, rather than practical. You're playing with them when it's supposed to be quiet time, allowing them ice cream and more Ipad time, basically spoiling them rotten. So now Danny's looking like a "bad cop" and has to pull you aside and talk to you.

NONNIEEE oh my god, i’ve been looking at this for a few days !! i love some good angst.. bring me more..

and i LOVE this scenario, actually. this was originally a long ramble, but it turned into a drabble. enjoy<3

daniel doesn’t expect it at first, that you’d be so up for helping him look after his kids. it’s a discussion you both had early on, daniel curious why you’re so into him, when he’s literally just.. a divorced father. you’re quick to convince him there are many reasons but that night, only one reason gets brought into fruition— he’s fucking hot.

but anyways when the time comes that he has the kids more often, he mentions it to you and you’re overjoyed!! you love his kids, and they seem to have a decent liking towards you— so it’s a win! he’s happy to hear you’ll be around to help look after them, and he can’t thank you enough (or, he can. it’s just not a way he can thank you when kids are around).

so, when the kids arrive for their 2 week stay, you’re there with daniel to greet them. they hug their dad first, daniel nuzzling his nose into their hair before placing a kiss on their foreheads. then, they turn to you and give you a hug too. it warms your heart. really. you’re glad you’re developing somewhat of a relationship with the two, even if it was a slow start.

it doesn’t take long for daniel to realise that you and him have different parenting skills. i mean what did he expect, really? you— a young, childless woman vs him— an older, experienced father. it’s not exactly surprising, but he didn’t expect it to be so different.

when it’s time for them to calm down, get settled as it’s coming up for their bedtime, you’re still playing happily with them. the sight is heartwarming, he can’t deny that. but, he knows they’ll be hyper as soon as they drop into their beds. he hesitates to interfere, they look so.. happy. they’re enjoying themselves, running from you with giggles erupting as you chase them around. eventually, he stands infront of the doorway that his daughter is running into. she’s looking behind, trying to look for you when she bumps into daniel’s knee, and is scooped up into his arms.

“daddy, help! she’s—” she starts loudly, giggles bursting before daniel interrupts her.

“i know honey, that’s why it’s time to stop. it’s almost time to sleep, and you’re up running around,” daniel gently scolds, subtly eyeing you at the side of him. youre stood with his son, hand on his shoulder as you stare at daniel guiltily.

“sorry, it’s my fault,” you mutter, giving the little guy a squeeze. “i got carried away and didn’t realise the time,” you continue, and daniel swallows. shit. he didn’t want to make you upset.

“no no, you’re fine. nobody is in the wrong or in trouble,” he smiles weakly, blowing a raspberry into his daughter’s cheek as he changes the subject. “now, who’s ready for bed? i’ll race ya..”

it was fine. it was done. it was one night.

until it wasn’t.

you were allowing them more time on their electronics than he would. you were allowing them ice cream before bed. you were allowing them to run around when it was quiet time. you were allowing them to go completely out of routine.

and now he looked like the bad guy. he looked like bad cop. and he couldn’t handle it. they were growing more attached to you, starting to love you more as the days went on. but when he put a stop to your antics, they would deflate. they weren’t as happy. they didn’t want dad messing it up, they wanted you fixing it.

and that’s how you end up here.

daniel asks you to come with him as the two kids watch a movie in the living room, bundled up in blankets on the sofa. just five minutes ago, you were all having a pillow fight while daniel set up the film. but it was breaking point for him.

he shuts the door behind him, turning round to look at you smiling softly at him. your smile falters at the deep exhale that escapes him, and you move a step closer.

“danny, is everything alright?” you ask, tilting your head so you could see his face, try to read his emotions. you feel a pit in your stomach when you notice his tight lips, his dark eyes and furrowed brows.

“we need to have a talk,” he lets out, voice low. you gulp in response, nodding slowly. you ask him what about, and the response is “you.”

“me? dan, have i— have i done something?” you ask worriedly, wringing your hands nervously as he still doesn’t move.

a sigh escapes him this time, finally looking up and staring at you. you feel a shiver go down your spine at the look he gives you. “look, we need to talk about how you look after the kids,” he starts, making you tilt your head.

“oh? what ab—” “you’re too lenient on them, and you make everything a game. they can’t live like that, discipline isn’t necessary all the time, but sometimes it is,” he interrupts you, and your jaw falls at his words.

“i— i don’t make everything a game? i try to mark things a little more fun, make life a little less mundane. you’re strict on them, danny, a little too strict. i’m trying to balance that,” you respond, it was evident in your tone you were upset— offended at what he said.

“you aren’t balancing anything!” he whisper-shouts, leaning closer and your eyes widen at the sudden silent outburst. “you’re messing with the way they’ve grown up and lived their entire lives. let me parent them like they’re used to. keep your antics to yourself,” he tells you, coldly.

you feel an ache in your chest at his words, and his attitude. why was he so bitter? why was he so afraid of letting them have a little more fun? “they’re kids, danny. let kids me kids.”

for some reason, that snapped something within him. daniel’s face twisted before he scuffed loudly, pointing a finger at you. “you don’t have kids, so you don’t know anything about parenting, or what it’s like to be one.”

the silence after that sentence is deafening, and you can’t see momentarily due to the tears welling in your eyes. you shakily breathe, before letting out a wet laugh. “yeah, you’re right. i’m not a parent. but that’s not by choice, is it daniel?” you ask him coldly, before turning around to the coat stand, grabbing your own.

daniel’s heart drops when he realises what he had said, and the impact it had on you. earlier, when i mentioned the plethora of reasons you liked daniel and his kids? a big reason, and one of the main ones— you can’t have kids yourself. you can’t get pregnant, therefore biologically you cannot have your own kids.

daniel crossed a line— majorly— but he wasn’t able to fix it in time. he snapped out of his thoughts due to the front door slamming, and you were gone.

NONNIE OH MY GOD this gave me the opportunity to introduce some lore about reader 👀 divorced dad! daniel angst? mmm, yes please. send in any genre about this series as much as you like!

[magniloquent-raven]

life's what you make it

@tommykinardweek Day 1: Coming Out

CW: descriptions of animal abuse & pet death

(also on ao3)

When Tommy was nine his father bought a lanky Rottweiler with paws too big for his skinny legs. “He’ll be useful when he fills out a bit,” was all his dad said about it, with a chuckle and a backhanded slap against Tommy’s chest. Rotties are loyal, obedient working dogs. Guard dogs.

His dad named the dog Budweiser after one too many. In retrospect, he picked the first thing he saw to get Tommy to shut up about what they were going to call him, but at the time Tommy thought it was a great idea. After all, the dog was his Bud. (His Budweiler. It took three days for his dad to get sick of that joke.)

A week after he came into their home Tommy’s father nailed down a stake in the front yard. Bought a chain to clip to Bud’s collar. And he scoffed at Tommy’s whining about how sad Bud looked out there, all alone. “It’s a fucking dog, Tom, it’s not sad.”

But Tommy smushed his face against the window to watch him rest his blocky head on his too-big paws, and he saw him sigh. A big gusty sigh that moved his whole body.

Arguing with his dad about it didn’t change anything. The stake stayed. The dog stayed outside, where animals belong.

“Wouldn’t have bought the damn thing if I knew you were gonna be such a girl about it,” his dad muttered into his beer.

And that was that.

But Bud was always digging up his stake. Tugging at his collar. Running in circles around the yard, getting tangled up in his restraints. The first time they came home to dirt patches and overturned sod Tommy’s dad chucked his shoe at the dog, irate about how much it was going to cost to clean up. Tommy spent the rest of the afternoon outside, quietly raking up the chunks of grass and taking breaks to sit with Bud, petting his short, bristly fur.

Locked in the bathroom, he would tear up magazines. Left in the backyard he’d paw endlessly at the patio door. Then he started running away. The first time it happened Tommy was in hysterics. He cried his eyes out, and shut himself in his room where his father wouldn’t see.

It didn’t matter how many afternoons he’d spent outside feeding Bud bits of leftover lunch meat from his sandwiches, trying to tell him he was supposed to stay in the front yard, if he was a good dog he’d stay in the front yard. Explaining to him over and over again that he was here to protect them—his job was to scare away Mormons and the tax man, whoever he was—didn’t make a damn bit of difference.

After two years he started to believe his father. Bud was just a bad dog. A stupid dog. Defective. They kept him chained up in the front yard, and Tommy stopped spending time with him beyond giving him a pat or two on his way inside. He was too old to keep pretending that the dog understood what he was saying anyways. And he had better things to do.

When Tommy was thirteen, Bud slipped out of his collar again. It was old news, and Tommy was past freaking out. He’d always find Bud running off down the street, chasing squirrels or trying to wriggle under the neighbours’ fence to play with their fat little Bulldog. Sometime he’d be at the house four doors, laying very very still while the five-year-old who lived there played his back like a drum.

It should’ve been just another day. “Your dumbass dog got loose again,” his dad yelled from the couch the second Tommy walked in. Standard. Usually a twenty minute detour, and he figured he’d still have time to get his homework done before dinner.

He didn’t.

Bud was two streets over, breathing shallow, bleeding into the gutter.

And Tommy watched him die.

He didn’t sit with him, didn’t touch him, didn’t have words. He just stood there, pale and shaken, full of something too cold to be panic and tasting bile on his tongue.

It was his fault. He went to bed before sunset, staring at nothing, knowing that he was to blame. Feeling it.

His father told Tommy the city would take care of the body. He was roadkill, they had people for that. Good riddance to a financial burden. All Tommy could do was nod along dumbly.

Five years later he enlisted. It was the adult thing to do, his only option when he was told to grow up and make something of himself.

It would take him years to realize he didn’t like what he’d made. The person he saw in the mirror looked more like his father every day, and the man who raised him looked less like himself than he ever had. After two divorces, forty years of chain-smoking, three bypass surgeries, and just plain old time, he was hollowed out and had nothing to replace the emptiness with.

They see each other once a year, on Thanksgiving, and the visits get shorter and shorter. There’s only so much of the same tired speeches Tommy can take. He knows his father’s Reasons Why Marriage Is A Sham by heart, so well he could act it out if pressed, cadence and all.

Maybe some of it stuck deeper than he thought. A tired old man’s legacy, the voice in the back of Tommy’s head telling him it’s not worth it, none of it’s worth it.

His father’s influence might explain why he got cold feet and ran out on his fiancee. It’s as good an explanation as any, seeing as he’s still trying to figure out what the fuck even happened.

One minute he’s picking out napkins and listening to her plan their future, the next…

He’s got a decent little place to himself, at least. He got lucky there. No roommates, no rowdy army guys packed into a barrack that smells like the world’s evilest gym sock. Just him. Alone.

He thinks about getting a dog.

It’s fine, coming home to an empty bungalow. Living off of ready-made TV dinner meals like some kind of sad cliche. Work is great, the guys—and Hen—are great. He works as many shifts as his body can take, goes out for drinks with Howie and blames the beer when he sits a little too close in the booth, throwing an arm over the back and letting the booze push them into an almost-embrace.

The warmth doesn’t linger long enough to keep him from curling in on himself at night, hugging his pillow.

He doesn’t tell anyone besides his neighbour, Arthur, that he’s considering checking out animal shelters. The guy isn’t his friend, exactly, but there isn’t anyone else he can ask to pet-sit while he’s at work.

They chat sometimes. He’s a little older than Tommy, and somehow broader in the shoulders. He used to work construction, apparently. Now he’s living off workers’ comp. Tommy doesn’t know what happened, just that he’s in a wheelchair sometimes, and since he lost his job he’s started growing his hair. It’s shoulder-length now, dark and wavy.

“My sister didn’t put you up to this did she? I’ve got hobbies and shit, I swear. I’m fine,” he says when Tommy mentions he might need help feeding a dog in the near future. He’s not entirely sure how serious the accusation is. Tommy errs on the side of glib.

“No, I’m just too cheap to hire a professional.”

Arthur grins, the tan lines around his eyes disappearing into crow’s feet. “I can respect that.”

Months go by, and he’s still thinking about it. Weighing the pros and cons. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, it’s not like he can’t afford it, and he can just drop the dog back off at a shelter if it doesn’t work out. It would be nice to have a reason to go on walks, or run, if the dog is high-energy. Plus, less chance of someone breaking in and making off with his stuff.

Bud never quite lived up to his potential as a guard dog—an impersonal way to put it, but it's the way he's forced himself to look at it over the years—but his dad wasn’t wrong about dogs having their uses.

There’s no particular reason for it when he takes a different route home after work one day. It was a normal day, normal calls. They pulled a kid out of a collapsed playground structure. Checked out an apartment after someone burned their popcorn. He chimed in with a joke or two when Hen and Chim started ribbing each other over lunch. No one died, nothing exploded.

Then he thought about going home to an empty house again and…

He’s pulling into the parking lot of the closest shelter thirty minutes later.

The girl behind the desk is sweet. She’s maybe twenty, and barely eye-level with Tommy’s collarbone, dressed in a purple hoodie and sneakers with a name tag pinned to her shirt that says Katie. There’s a peeling dolphin sticker next to the K.

“Did you have anything specific in mind?” she asks him, a big smile on her face that he’s sure is part of her job but looks genuine anyways.

When he pictured getting a dog the image in his head was always just… Bud. Black and brown, the tiny spots above his eyes, short bristly fur and somehow always drooling a little bit. He didn’t have his heart set on a Rottie, exactly, it was just all he could see himself getting.

He shoves his hands in his jeans pockets. “No.” Then he pauses, eyes scanning the white tile walls behind her. There are so many brightly coloured posters tacked up on it they all sort of blend together. “I work a lot, if that’s a problem.”

She shakes her head, her expression softening to something sympathetic. “No, not a problem, we just need to find the right match for your lifestyle. Certain pets need more attention, of course, but I’m sure we’ll find someone for you.”

“Right.”

There are so many options. When she leads him into the back room a few of the little dogs start yapping. One that looks like a bathmat with beady little eyes runs in circles making more noise than a creature that small should. Another one with curly fur and white fluff around its ears barks so hard its whole body bounces with the effort.

“They’re just excited,” Katie says with a sheepish laugh.

The whole long room is lined with plexiglass alcoves, and smells overwhelmingly of dog. A black lab paws at its window as they walk past. A lot of the animals are furry lumps with their backs turned, hidden in the corner of their enclosure.

“Did you want a minute alone with them?”

Tommy blinks at her, feeling a little out of his depth.

“I think it’s easier to find out if it’s a good match if it’s just you and the critters, you know? Just come get me if you take a liking to any of them, and we can see how you do with face-to-face time.”

“Oh…kay.”

She pats his elbow and gives him another sunny smile before heading back up front.

He wanders up and down the length of the room for a while, stopping in front of every dog that demands his attention. They’ve all got cards in the upper corner of their windows. Name, age, sex, and breed. Some of them have little notes about special needs. There’s a diabetic Poodle mix that huffs at him when he walks past. A Yorkie with a limp and a mean growl.

Around halfway through his second loop around he notices a fluffy white dog snoozing on her back. She’s a medium size, no listed breed. And she’s running in her sleep. Paws waving in the air, tongue lolling out of her mouth.

He chuckles.

According to her card, her name is Periwinkle—which Tommy wrinkles his nose at, what even is that—she’s two years old, and…oh. She’s deaf and blind. Probably not the best pick for him then. He already had doubts about how much time and attention he’d be able to give a dog, he doesn’t want to bite off more than he can chew here.

She snuffles, nose twitching. It’s stupidly adorable.

“She’s a sweet girl.”

“Jesus Christ—” Tommy startles, hands flying up to his chest where he presses a palm to his racing heart as he whirls around.

“Sorry!” Katie laughs, clearly more amused than apologetic. She clears her throat and schools her expression. “Sorry, it’s just you’ve been in here a while, I thought I’d check in.”

“It’s fine.” He smooths some wrinkles out of his shirt, trying to act like it was his intention all along.

“So, Periwinkle?”

Tommy can’t help but purse his lips. “What kind of name is that, anyway?”

“Oh, she was part of a whole litter that we took in, they were all named after flowers. Periwinkles are pretty little blue ones.”

“Ah…”

“She’s the last one we have left, all her brothers and sisters were adopted as puppies.”

Okay, well. She didn’t need to make him feel bad, that’s just uncalled for.

She’s not what he was looking for. Not the kind of dog that scares away intruders, or anyone, really, she looks like a marshmallow with floppy ears. And he’s not sure he feels qualified to care for a dog with disabilities, she needs someone loving and attentive and patient.

He opens his mouth to say as much, to say she probably wouldn’t be a good fit, and list off all the things he told himself were the reasons he’s here in the first place. No words come out.

“Would you like to meet her properly?”

“…Sure.”

She has him wait in a little side room down the hall. There’s a rickety folding chair in the corner that he eyes but doesn’t sit in, instead choosing to stand in against the wall with his arms folded tight across his chest. The knot of anxiety in his gut is ridiculous, and stupid, and he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous, but he can’t stop shaking his leg and digging his nails into the meat of his forearm.

There’s very little in the room to distract him. Apart from the chair, there’s an empty steel bowl, a grey mat, and a basket with a couple knots of rope, a tennis ball that’s seen better days and a rubber ring that looks oddly untouched compared to everything else.

He’s probably only waiting for a few minutes, but it feels like it’s been an eternity when the door finally clicks open and Katie sticks her head in.

“Okay, here we are!” She sidles into the room, guiding Periwinkle by a short leash. Her posture is alert, tail up, sniffing the air. “I’ve got some treats in my pocket if you want to give her some. Dogs are not above taking bribes.”

Tommy lets out a little breath of a laugh.

She approaches him slowly, squinting milky blue eyes. Now that he can see her properly, he notices the yellowing bits around her ears and under her chin. Part Golden Retriever, maybe. She’s got the face shape for it.

She pokes his shin with her nose. He’s not sure if she bumped into him or if it was on purpose until she does it again, eagerly sniffing at the leg of his jeans.

He came here right from work, he can’t imagine he smells very good. Then again, she is a dog.

“I, uh…” He glances from her to Katie. His arms are still folded across his chest, and he’s not sure what to do with his hands.

Katie pulls a little bone-shaped cookie from her pocket and offers it to him, eyebrows raised and her smile encouraging. “Just make sure you don’t make any sudden moves, okay? Be gentle with her.”

He nods, and very carefully squats down to her level. He gets the treat about four inches from Periwinkle’s face and she starts wriggling up a storm, tail wagging, loose fur flying, snuffling reaching a fever pitch as she noses around trying to locate the food.

It’s impossible not to grin at her excitement. Affection blooms between his ribs when she bumps into his thumb and gives it a test lick. It doesn’t take her long to devour her treat once she finds it, and she cleans the crumbs from his fingers when it’s gone.

Seemingly satisfied with his tribute, she lays down on his feet. Then rolls against his shins in a warm fuzzy heap of loose limbs, clumsily pawing at him until he reaches out a tentative hand and runs his fingers through the fluff on her chest.

“Well, I think it’s safe to say she likes you!” Katie beams.

“Yeah.” Tommy’s voice cracks, embarrassingly, suddenly emotional. He swallows past a lump in his throat.

He stays crouched awkwardly, unable to shift into a more comfortable position even when his knees start to ache. Periwinkle breathes evenly, seemingly content to rest on his boots while he rubs her belly and makes stilted small talk with Katie.

She’s more than happy to pick up the conversational slack, giving him all sorts of tips about what’s good to feed pets and how to train a dog that can’t see or hear you. There’s so much information, he’s sure he won’t retain it all.

By now Katie has migrated to the folding chair, she’s seated with her legs crossed at the knee and talking with her hands. “Now, I recall you saying you work a lot, but is your schedule consistent? It’s important for a dog like Periwinkle to have predictable routines.”

“Yeah, pretty consistent.” Monotonous is the word that comes to mind, and he cringes away from it. He likes his job. His job isn’t the problem. “I work long hours though. Sometimes days at a time.”

Katie’s forehead pinches at that. “Okay. Do you have anyone to look after her while you’re gone? A family member? Girlfriend?”

His stomach lurches. “No.” He digs his fingertips deeper into thick fur, feeling her heartbeat under his hand. She’s calm. Relaxed. He should fucking relax. He doesn’t. “I had a fiancee,” comes spilling out of his mouth, “things ended…weird. I just don’t think I’m ready to date again so soon, y’know?” He forces an airy laugh. There’s no good reason for him to have explained all that, or for it to have felt like a lie.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” Tommy lets out a slow breath. “I asked my neighbour if he’d help out. With the dog.”

“Oh, great!”

She moves on easily, but he doesn’t. The moment sticks under his skin, like a splinter he can’t scratch out. It aches, dull but present, for the rest of the conversation, and beyond that. While he signs adoption papers, when he walks out the door, Periwinkle’s leash in hand, all through the quiet drive home. She sits in the passenger seat, and he cracks the window just enough for her to stick her nose out while he pretends to listen to the radio.

He has a dog now.

The next week or so is a bit of a mess. He buys everything he thinks he’ll need, and probably goes overboard. Dog-proofing his house is trial-and-error, Periwinkle keeps finding new things to chew on, and he never realize he had so much clutter until there was a blind dog bumping into things all the time.

It’s beautiful chaos and he loves it. She falls asleep on his lap when he watches TV, and he gets stuck there for hours. It turns out she hates peanut butter, and when he tries to fill a chew toy with it for her to play with she only picks it up long enough to jerk her head and toss it across the room.

Katie told him touch was important when bonding with a blind and deaf dog, and he figured it would be a slow process, easing Periwinkle into her new surroundings, showing her that he can be trusted. They have hit a few bumps (no pun intended) getting her used to navigating his house, but amazingly she seems to have no reservations about him specifically. She’s glued to his hip nearly every moment he’s home, pressed up against his leg when he’s standing at the kitchen counter, head on his thigh when he’s on the couch, always nearby.

Thankfully she likes Arthur nearly as much as she likes Tommy. Possibly because he always has a piece of jerky for her when he comes over. Which is understandable on her part.

Three weeks after he brought her home, he finds Arthur sitting on his porch with Wink in his lap and looking mildly sheepish.

“She wouldn’t let me go home.”

Tommy grins. “Want a beer?”

“Please.”

He thinks they might be friends after that. He wants them to be friends after that.

It didn’t bother him so much before, that they were just casual acquaintances. Tommy’s got plenty of acquaintances, and it suits him fine. But one evening with the dog between them leaves Tommy with a strange ache he can’t place. The next day all he thought about was the dying glow from the sun catching on deep-set brown eyes, sparkling with mirth. That adolescent desperation he tried to stomp down whenever he made Arthur laugh, that voice that babbled do it again, like me, like me, please—

It's not until Sal catches him grinning down at his own hands and punches his arm, crowing “Well hot damn, look who finally moved on. What’s her name?” that things start to fall into place.

A lot of things.

He just barely manages to excuse himself without throwing up, and makes it to the bathroom just in time to burst into tears.

Once the dam cracks, he’s helpless against the tide. His lungs burn from the effort it takes to keep from sobbing audibly. Chest heaving slow, painfully, methodically slow, he buries his face in his hands and cries, cries, lets snot dribble down his wrist and doesn’t care, squeezes his eyes shut so hard he sees stars and still the tears drip down his nose. It hurts, and all he can do is hang on, hoping the bells don’t go off, hoping no one walks in or wonders where he’s gone.

He’s so stupid for not seeing it. There’s a whole well of secrets he’s been keeping from himself and he feels like he’s been pushed into it to drown.

Does anyone else know? Has anyone figured it out before him? It’s not like he’s never had anyone make dumb jokes, all of Sal’s favourite jokes seem to boil down to hey, you’re gay. Kids in school would make fun of him for getting weepy about shit, or talking with his hands too much, or being too picky about girls, but…

Christ, he’s so stupid.

Maybe everyone knows, and always has. Fear grips him tight, sharp fingers grabbing a fistful of his guts. Has everyone been laughing at him behind his back. Every time he makes a dumb comment about not getting what the big deal is about a pretty girl, or makes excuses about another breakup.

Oh God, does his father know?

His father can never know.

His stomach heaves again, and he tastes bile.

It’s unclear how long he’s in that bathroom, hazy, knees buckling under the weight of his whole life turning on its head and hitting him at once. He splashes water on his face to rinse off the snot and tears, but it does nothing for the blotchy pink around his nose and eyes.

He spends the rest of his shift jumpy and distracted.

For the first time in weeks he’s hesitant to go home, but he doesn’t want to impose on Arthur any more than he already has.

Arthur’s on his porch again, reading a book and petting Wink. She perks up when Tommy’s truck pulls into the driveway. He’s not entirely sure how she always knows it’s him. Could be a scent thing. Or maybe she can feel the vibrations coming off his engine. Whatever it is, it’s comforting to know someone’s always gonna be happy to see him.

The steering wheel creaks in his grip, and an itch builds behind his eyes. He takes a moment to blink it away and compose himself, but Arthur still shoots him an odd look as he approaches the house.

Great.

“Bad day?”

Tommy shrugs. “It was fine.”

Wink trots down the ramp he replaced the porch steps with last week, meeting him halfway to bump her forehead against his knee.

The ache in his chest twists around his heart.

“Mhm,” Arthur hums. He’s in his chair today, and Tommy absently watches the muscles in his forearm flex as he turns. It takes his brain a second to catch up to what he’s doing, and he jolts, tearing his gaze away. “That’s what I always tell people too.”

Tommy bites his tongue. There’s a barb on the end of it, and the taste of iron in the back of his throat. He’s too tired to start an argument over nothing. And he knows he’d regret it later.

He bends down to pet the top of Wink’s head and lets Arthur leave without another word.

He smells like burnt sugar and cinnamon soap, and Tommy holds his breath just to stop trying to inhale every trace he left in his wake.

It really is like that, huh. He really does…

Three fingers of whiskey later he still feels like crawling out of his own skin.

He’s got the news running in the background. All his comfort things feel dangerous tonight. He can’t be sure he won’t put on his favourite movie and discover he only liked it because he was wildly attracted to the leading man and had no idea this whole time. He’s terrified of finding out anything else about himself, but it’s left him twitchy and bored and mostly alone with his own thoughts.

Wink had taken up residence in her usual place, head resting on his knee, but as the evening went on she got up and re-positioned. Now she’s sitting in his lap, leaning against his chest and snuffling into his shirt.

It’s the closest thing to a hug he’s gotten in a while, and it breaks him a little bit.

He wraps his arms around her, burying his face in the fluff around her neck.

“I think I’m gay,” he mumbles into her fur.

Nothing happens. The world doesn’t end.

He breathes. He’s going to be okay.

[spaghett-onaplate]

depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed

[pollen]

letting myself unmask has been so nice at times because i'm seeing my boyfriend express joy much more readily too. who knew me being expressive and all that would do so much good!!!

[inertia-writes]

dehradun days

you meet them for the first time,

knowing it's probably the last.

might as well make the most of this time,

since life comes at you fast.

you find the strangest of signals

in the no-network zones.

cross-tent communication with folks,

just rambling about the unknown.

there's the warmth of shared laughter,

that carries you through freezing nights,

and you look up at the flickering stars,

to finally see things in a different light.

and at 11,000 ft above sea level

you finally reach the peak,

just to realise the joy was in the journey,

and the friends you made that week.

you'll visit caves & splendid cafes,

and remember the city in mere parts,

but years later, you'll still tell everyone,

how dehradun captured your heart.

[steviescrystals]

i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane

(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)

[coquelicoq]

so i did just go outside and it is mad slick. i was like whatever i've got shoes and so forth. then the wind picked up and i could hear all the ice-covered branches clacking ominously against each other and decided i should get the hell out of dodge. have you ever tried powerwalking when the sidewalks are sheets of ice? i wouldn't recommend it.

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

[eyrieofsynapses]

gentle reminder to air-dry your fleece clothing and wash it in cold water if you want it to stay nice and soft <3

(fleece is made out of synthetic fibers that will quite literally deform/melt in the heat of a dryer! and no you can't really see it but it's one of the things that makes it pill and get rough and scratchy.

"no dryer" also goes for most items of clothing with graphics. tbh I don't know the exact reason behind that one, I think it depends on how it was printed on, but both my and friends' experience has proven dryers will fuck graphics up, and manufacturers will tell you the same)

[strohller27]

.

[nomaishuttle]

the way i balance staying true to my tumblrina nature while also having a job and bills and rent is that at work while cleaning a room ill think of something id like to post and then repeat it over and over in my head and refine it until it sounds right and then i either post it as soon as i get a second to Or i forget it bc i think of anew post to make. and they always get 0 notes but its ok

[minionwater]

sallies _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):_