#but also am i even going to finish.... i genuinely can't imagine myself actually finishing this degree

[euovennia]

I am yet again requesting headcanons for the 141 (or whoever you want <3) with a reader who has an angry resting face. And to add onto that, they are very expressive with their love but it comes off as aggressive (not on purpose) because they always look, you know, mad. Like when reader says "I love you," it sounds like a threat and really, they look like they wanna kill them, but they don’t.

whew, i'm so sorry for the wait on this! i took a small break from tumblr so i could focus on finishing some assignments i had for my classes, but they're all completed and turned in so i should be good for now! also i wasn't 100% sure if you wanted this to be platonic or romantic, so i tried to write it to where it could be interpreted as both. thank you for requesting and, as always, i hope you enjoy :)

warnings: none other than the fact that i don't know how to stop myself from typing more than i need to

summary: the 141 learns to adjust to life with their newest recruit; you.

john 'soap' mactavish

when price first introduces you to the group, he can't help but feel like he's done something wrong

and honestly no one can really blame him for feeling that way

the expression that paints your face when you make eye contact with him practically screams, "sleep with one eye open"

and while it is mildly terrifying, he only sees it as a challenge

because in his mind, if he can get the mighty ghost to warm up to him, he can get anyone to warm up to him

so as soon as price cuts you loose from the brief introductions, he's already right by your side pestering you with various questions

and while it was a bit off-putting, you weren't really surprised because price had already told you all about soap before he decided he wanted you on his team

so you just kinda stood there and let him fire off his questions while answering them with that angry expression and bored monotone voice that he can't help but love

like you're standing there, arms crossed with perhaps one of the most pissed off expressions he's ever seen in his life but all his mind can think is >:(

needless to say, he doesn't take your prickly exterior too seriously and it's because of this he's able to get closer to you a lot quicker than the other members do

and it's because of this he tends to vouch for you a lot more to the other members when it comes to getting to know you

"they're not that bad, i swear!"

"johnny, they look like they wanna rip your arm off every time you're near them."

"but they don't, that's the funny part!"

best believe this man is fighting for his life whenever your rbf gets brought into the conversation

and i imagine that one day you actually manage to overhear one of these little debates/conversations (tbh they could go either way with how divided they can be over it, especially when it's gaz vs soap)

and you can't just ignore the way your heart warms as you hear soap valiantly defend your honor

it's one of the few times you're genuinely thankful for his big mouth

after listening in to the conversation for a few more minutes you eventually decide to walk away, heart full and the smallest of smiles pulling at the edge of your lips

i think it goes without saying that you go a little sweet on him after that encounter

well

as sweet as you can go when you're the human embodiment of >:(

at least in the opinion of soap

you don't really see the resemblance tbh

anyway

you start doing little things for him

things like offering to take watch for him when you're both on a mission because you noticed that he hadn't really bothered getting any rest

sitting by his side and letting him ramble on about his family, especially how he always begged his parents to let him stay with his nan over the summer because she owned a little family farm that he absolutely loved to run around on

and even the time you learned how to make scotch pie using his mom's recipe he had tucked away in his room

no matter how much he may deny it, that last one had him tearing up as soon as he took a bite

but honestly, can you blame him?

the man barely gets to visit his parents back home because of his work and it crushes him

honestly, it was probably one of the first few things he confided in you when you first started talking

so naturally when price announces that the 141 has been approved for a two week leave, you don't hesitate in logging onto the computer and buying him the first tickets back to scotland

what you do hesitate with is actually giving them to him

so you decide to gloss over that part completely and instead opt for shoving the tickets inside an plain envelope with his name scribbled on the front and a small note that simply reads, "go." before sliding it under his door the night before everyone is scheduled to depart from base

the moment soap gets his hands on those tickets he can't help the way he runs through the halls and bursts into your room to give you the biggest hug you've ever had in your life

unfortunately for you both, you'd already left base by the time he discovered the tickets

and so with a heavy heart, soap makes his way back to his room before packing his bags with a new vigor

the plane leaves in six hours, but he's so excited he can't help but want to arrive early

needless to say those are probably the best two weeks of his life

and while the others are interested in hearing all about his trip, he simply brushes them off in favor watching the door so he can be there for the exact moment you walk in

and after making him wait more than what he felt was necessary, you finally walk in

and this man

the way he shoots up from his seat and runs over to hug you

it's almost enough to send you both flying to the ground

but luckily you've got some stellar balance and manage to save yourselves from being teased by the rest of the team

but with the way soap is squeezing onto you while repeatedly whispering, "thank you," into the nape of your neck, you don't doubt they'll make fun of you for that

even with the mild embarrassment you feel, you simply wrap your arms around the scottish man and offer him a few pats on the back

and as sweet as it is for the other men to witness such a tender scene, they can't help but notice how upset you look

it's almost laughable

and as much as they want to step in and tell soap to back off, they can't help but notice the way you cling onto soap with that soft look in your eyes

so they remain quiet as you and soap hang onto each other, hearts full of warmth

kyle 'gaz' garrick

i'm gonna say it now

out of anyone in the 141, he was probably the one most intimidated by you

he's the youngest out of everyone and so it stands that, naturally, he has less experience than others

it's for this reason i think he's so keen on staying close to price

i mean the man practically plucked him off the streets and said, "you're mine now," so i think it's reasonable that gaz grows a tad more attached to price than the other members

so when he catches a few glimpses of you around base barking orders at the recruits and slamming them into the mats during sparring sessions, he's not exactly dying to meet you

even so, he finds he's not too worried about the possibility

with how often the 141 departs base to go on various missions and how you always seem to be too caught up in whatever you're doing at the time to be bothered to even glance his way, he eventually comes to the conclusion that you'll never meet

until one day price strolls into the common area where he and the rest of the team are minding their own business with you trailing right beside him looking aggravated as ever

he's already a bit uneasy with the fact you now know where the team goes to relax, but that unease slowly shifts to downright horror when price reveals that you're the newest member of the team

now gaz is usually a pretty easygoing and friendly guy so any chance to meet and bond with new people is always bound to be a good time in his book

but he can't help the shiver that crawls up his spine whenever you're around

seriously, who or what made you look so pissed off all the time?

anyway

because he's so hesitant of being around you, he tries his hardest not to bother you

which basically means he tries not to be in the same room as you

and while you may not really notice or care, the rest of the team certainly does

especially price

he's the type of man who prides himself on having a team that knows they can all rely on one another on and off the field and so he'll be damned if you and gaz are the ones to ruin his little streak

so guess who gets assigned to accompany you and the recruits on your morning workouts from now on?

gaz!

and while he's not necessarily thrilled about the idea of being forced into such close proximity to you, especially first thing in the morning, he respects price enough to not question his decision and just ends up going along with it

and at first he doesn't really pay you much attention in an effort to not do anything to accidentally make you even more upset than he already assumes you are

but then he starts to notice something

he notices the way the recruits light up whenever they see you, whether it be during the morning workout sessions or when you're walking around base

and it baffles him because you just look so upset, he can't possibly imagine why they're all so keen on sending you wide smiles or enthusiastic waves

but one day he looks just a little bit closer and he can see the faintest hint of amusement on your face as your lips showcase the ghost of a smile

that's when he really starts to pay attention

and suddenly he can't help but feel a little ashamed of himself

because now he can practically feel his heart melt every time you interact with the recruits

like how you would bring extra ice-cold water bottles to the morning workouts for the recruits who'd forget to bring their own

or the way you wouldn't hesitate to slide them some money if they mentioned being hungry while you were around

and especially how you don't hesitate to lend an ear for them if they seemed to be troubled by something

it's in those few little moments that he can see just the tiniest cracks through your annoyed expression and heated glares

you're not angry at all, he decides, just real shit at expressing yourself

and upon deciding this, he realizes you're not so scary anymore

so now instead of avoiding you like the plague, he actively seeks you out

at first it's to help you out with carrying the extra water bottles for the recruits in the morning and planning the workouts for the week

but then it turns into him asking to sit with you at the mess hall over dinner and keeping each other company in the commons area

and as much as he tries not to, he can't help the giddiness that floods his body when you start to show him that aggressive love he sees you dish out to the recruits

shoving snacks into his hands when you notice he hasn't eaten in a while

quietly sitting with him while he goes through paperwork because you both know he has a tendency to get distracted

and his personal favorite, draping your jacket over him when you walk in on him sleeping anywhere that isn't his room

he always wakes up with a smile tugging on his lips

and despite how cold and distant you may look while doing these things, he doesn't give it much attention anymore

not when he can see the love and care that's reflected in your eyes

simon 'ghost' riley

despite you and ghost having similar exteriors, it becomes more and more apparent to gaz and soap that you're actually quite different

which isn't a bad thing, of course! just a bit unexpected

but it's because of this striking difference that you and simon tend to keep a majority of your interactions on the field

and you both are more than happy to keep it this way

gaz and soap however, are not

so naturally they put together a plan; a plan that consists of soap giving you his most treasured tactical pen so you can use it to write away in that little journal of yours on the ride back from missions just so he can later "confront" ghost and admonish him for stealing said pen

and during all this, gaz simply remains on the sidelines just looking pretty

anyway

after laying into simon for a good ten minutes, soap walks away from the encounter with a small smile before walking up to gaz and saying something like, "now we wait"

and they do wait

patiently

but after a full two weeks pass by and neither gaz or soap can find any evidence of their so called "master plan" working, they can't help but feel a little discouraged

unbeknownst to them, it totally worked

just not in the way they envisioned

you see, by the time soap came up to simon to lecture him about stealing his pen, ghost had already come to notice you scribbling into your notebook with it

so once soap had finally decided to leave him alone, he immediately confronted you about framing him for such a crime

but you just kinda stare up at him with that annoyed look of yours before revealing soap had willingly given it to you

and things just kinda click into place for the two of you; soap wanted to get you talking

and while you and simon had to admit it wasn't a bad plan, you didn't want to give the scotsman the satisfaction of knowing it had actually worked

so whenever you and simon find yourselves in the company of the rest of the team, you decide to remain distant

but when it's just the two of you?

you're straight chilling

especially when you visit him in his room or vice versa

like just imagine the two of you drinking tea that simon was nice enough to make and watching war movies while bashing all the inaccuracies and bad calls the characters make

or when the two of you are out and about on base free from the prying eyes of gaz and soap because they're out doing their own thing

you and simon love finding random groups of rowdy soldiers just to intimidate them

i don't know about you, but i can definitely see simon just standing there with his arms crossed and eyes narrowed while you rest your hands on your hips with your lips pulled into a frown

price definitely gets complaints about the two of you

he does nothing about them

and for a while that's pretty much the gist of how you and simon spend your time together

but i like to imagine that after a particularly rough mission, simon would seek you out just to sit with you

and i can see him as a stress smoker so when he finally does manage to find you and take a seat beside you, you slide him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter

he doesn't ask how you know his cigarette preference, but instead gives you a small nod of approval before pulling up his mask over lips and taking a drag

and that's how you spend your night

just sitting beside each other as you watch the evening sky gradually begin to fill with stars

i think it would depend on how bad the mission went in order to determine exactly how long the two of you stay sitting under the stars, but it doesn't matter because it'll end the same way; you reaching over and giving simon's hand a quick squeeze with a small, "get some sleep, simon. you need it," before you walk away

and he finds himself confused to two reasons

reason one: why did you grab his hand why did he like it?

reason two: how can you say such sweet words but still look so mad?

as much as he wants to play that moment over in his head just to make sure he was remembering things right, he decides against it in favor of heeding your words and getting some sleep

but it's after that moment he can't help but notice how your mannerisms have changed

not only are your words of reassurance more apparent than before, he's also noticed you have a tendency to give his hand/shoulder a reassuring squeeze every now and then

he can't help the small smile that threatens to pull at his lips when you do

but he also can't help but notice how distant and reserved your face looks when you do all of these things

he doesn't really mind it though

but he eventually does bring it up to you one day

it's probably after he tells you one of his god awful dad jokes

like he'll look over at you and notice your sour expression and say something like, "don't look so pissed, they're not that bad."

and you'll respond with a tilt of your head as you tell him, "i'm not pissed. i like your jokes."

then he'll nudge your shoulder before telling you, "with that face? coulda fooled me."

and you'll roll your eyes in faux annoyance as you brush him off with a simple, "that's just my face."

and then he'll look down at you, thankful for his mask so you can't see the small smile making its way onto his face

he might even say something dumb and cheesy like, "i know. i like it."

and you give him one of your rare smiles

and i could end it there and say the two of you are bffs

or i could sprinkle in something about soap running up on the two of you chanting, "my plan worked, my plan worked!"

that's for you to decide

[fixfoxnox]

Okay, Luke's somewhat serious post time.

Okay, so recently I've been getting some comments on my Ao3 that have bothered me and I feel like we should talk about comment etiquette again along with some lines of comfort for me.

So first of all, this:

This is not how you ask for more of a fic that you like. I'm already beating myself up over how long its been since I've been able to update things, and having people comment stuff like this on my fics only makes me feel worse.

I am a real person. I have a job and I've been working hard on finishing some commissions that people have PAID me to write. Forgive me if I'm not making the things that I write for free for people in my free time my first priority right now.

I AM absolutely still working on these fics. I've been working on Pyre and some requests in my ask box, but since they aren't my main priority right now its going really slow. I could very easily abandon these fics, but I don't because I love them and I love you guys and writing for you guys. All that I ask in return is that you respect the time and effort that goes into writing these fics.

My 8k-10k fic chapters take like 8 hours to write AT THE LEAST. Like I can't just churn this out like crazy as much as I would like to.

I am fine with people asking if I'm still working on a fic, but not comments like this basically demanding an update.

The next thing:

These were all comments replying to one another on my fic. There are three people in this thread in total and of them, only one of them actually made a comment about my fic.

Two people commented on my fic to essentially have a completely unrelated conversation with someone in my comment section. This is extremely frustrating.

Listen to me, imagine being me and seeing a notification that I got a comment. I get super excited, only to click on it and see that it has nothing to do with the fic that I've written? Its disappointing and so unbelievably discouraging to me.

I don't mind if people don't comment, but I do mind when people do this. Authors comment sections aren't a place to just have a casual chat!!! Keep it about the fic please!

Last thing and for the love of God listen to me:

This is nothing against people with DID. My issue with this falls into 2 categories:

"My one issue is that I'm trans in this, personally would have swapped me and Johnny"

If you are a person with DID and fictives and you read fics with your fictives, you have to understand that I AM NOT WRITING ABOUT YOU.

I do not need your opinion on if I wrote "you" correctly because I am not writing you!! I'm writing the fictional character who I have my own thoughts and beliefs about. If it bothers you, click off. I do not want or need to hear how I got something wrong because its not fucking wrong when it comes to me. Again, extremely discouraging to read.

The second thing and this may sound mean but for the love of God I do not care or need to know if you are a system/have DID. Unless my fic features DID (none of mine do at all) then its just completely unnecessary to mention.

I especially don't need to know which of your alters is talking. Unless I know you, there is genuinely no point to it. It just takes up space and makes things about you rather than about the fic you're commenting on.

Also, in this case? As someone who has been cursed by online role-playing in comment sections, even though this isn't it just feels like role-playing and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Please just leave your comment and move on. Unless it has something to do with the fic, I don't need to know this stuff about you. I've had people tell me more personal things in the comment sections that I was fine with and even touched me, but its always about how they relate to the fic, not just random information they throw in.

Again, its just a comfort thing for me.

Okay, serious Luke post is over now.

[vitanithepure]

Gale and Mystra

Ok, first thing I wanna talk about, what absolutely lives rent-free in my mind since I finished my first run is how much I love the companion's personal stories. I will for sure make an Origin run with most of them. I want to know every last detail about those pixel people.

With no surprise on nobody's part - I want to talk about Gale first. I believe I once said my OC Vitani and I share exactly one brain cell and it is consumed with thoughts about that wizard.

He did get a bit of a lift up when it comes to the story we knew from EA and it turned out absolutely fabulous. I won't be focusing on our relationship with the man as much as his with Mystra, the goddess of magic. This would be far too long otherwise, there is just too much to say.

Regardless, this will also be a long one, and full of spoilers for his story, so be warned. Placing it all under the cut.

First, some facts. It turns out, from my understanding, that Gale was not after Mystra's godhood, quite contrary to his bio on the website (which I find…weird) but rather tried to ascend by himself. He was impatient; he wanted more, and he wanted it now - and Mystra was not willing to grant his wishes. It goes without saying he was in the wrong, no explanation needed.

So, to convince Mystra to share even more with him, he decided to "screw flowers" and tried to get her what turned out to be that cursed Netherese orb. At least, that is what he thought. We know that this went horribly wrong and Gale was not only stuck with magic he can barely control, but severed from means to stop it - as Mystra, understandably, abandoned him.

Which is also to say how little she actually cares about other mortals, leaving a ticking bomb to run free in the Realms. We could assume that, in her "infinite wisdom" she trusted Gale to do the right thing and just go on and die somewhere remote, like he planned to if he ever started to lose control of the orb. Not really sure what lesson is there to give through such a punishment, that is for Mystra to answer, I don't get it :)

This is when we meet Gale, humbled, but not giving up. I don't want to repeat myself too much as I did a breakdown of his EA content a while back [link here] and not much changed in that regard, his slight rewrite didn't change my opinion on how and why he does and says to us.

So, moving on:

The juicy part truly begins when Elminster shows up and drops the bomb (heh…) about what Mystra expects of Gale… I instantly went with "ok, yeah, here it is, my heartbreak I've been waiting for". And from that point, he seems so…resigned. I can't imagine what a person in his position goes through? Not sure I want to. Can you imagine that? Someone you genuinely looked up to, perhaps even loved, in the past, someone holding infinite power over magic in this world, hell, someone holding power over you asks you to forfeit your life to deserve forgiveness? Damn, D&D gods are stone cold.

Like, I get it, and I try not to excuse Gale. He did a terrible thing, a horrible breach of trust and who knows what kind of person it would make him if he succeeded. As it is, though, it shows such an awful imbalance in power. Mystra was never in any real danger, she proves this by being able to control the orb, decides that this - already humbled and regretful - man has to die to make it okay with her? 

Even though she clearly sees he learned his lesson? And she could remove the orb at literally any time? Because that is what she presents him with if he refuses to just lie down and die for her. She will remove the orb if he brings her Karsus's Crown, along with the netherstones - the thing the Elder Brain possesses.

I don't know what happens if we go along Gale's plan to control the crown himself, possibly nothing good (I am about to find out, I so desperately want to see his whole arc, from every perspective), so here I want to finish off with how it ended for me on my first run - with a complete redemption, both in his and Mystra's eyes. 

Gale recognized his folly and, in hindsight, agreed he had everything a mortal man could ever possess and lost it to his arrogance and ambition. But also him realizing "no love was lost between them" makes me simply happy, he is healed at this point.

From what I gathered, he finishes his story by becoming the Chosen of Mystra once again. Still curious, because how could he not be with his love for magic, but knowing his limits. No longer known as Gale of Waterdeep, but Gale Dekarios, your neighborhood nerdy wizard with a good tale to spin over some wine in the Yawning Portal.

And seriously, fuck the D&D gods with their mortal flaws.

[ask-the-totally-real-peppino]

Heres an actual genuine question what's your favorite video game, and what would peps favorite video game be

(Ough, favourite game? That's depends! There are lots of games I have never played, but still enjoy, like Pizza Tower for example jfdsjkfd. But for this, I'll stick with games I have played, which is not a lot as I am not much of a gamer!

I mostly play simulator type games, basically anything I can insert myself or my characters into (or make characters of, hehe)! So Animal Crossing is a big one! But more recently I have very much been into Wobbledogs and Cult of the Lamb (for the cult management more than the crusades, but they're still fun!)

I did also enjoy Bugsnax very much, even if I didn't finish it (my computer at the time ran very poorly, and I never installed it on my new one whoops), and I can't really think of any others!!!

As for Pep, I think he'd also be a simulator enjoyer! He likes to go at his own pace, and make pretty things! I imagine he'd like to collect all the bugs in AC and plant so many flowers and say hello to everyone every day!!!

And while his hand-eye coordination is a bit clumsy, I think he'd also enjoy rhythm games, once he got the hang of it He would CRUSH at Dance Dance Revolution!!!

I rambled a lot for no specific answer! But have an AC styled Pep doodle bc I can

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #100

This will be my 100th generic letter to you. Imagine that! Assuming you can hear me somehow, we've been on a very unorthodox journey for a while now, no? How marvelous!

I spent some of today checking on my epoxy spheres. It needed a few small adjustments. I made another mess. But I'm feeling pretty good about how these are gonna turn out, and I'm looking forward to showing the finished spheres to you very soon!

I spent the bulk of today writing up descriptions for various items, though. I'm pretty excited about it, actually! But I can't tell you what it's for; sorry about that. With any luck though, my intentions will become clear in maybe a decade or so, assuming I can maintain my focus and my faith in my own efficacy. I suppose we'll see.

Along the way, I made myself a couple mugs of jasmine green tea! I was surprised, though, to find that we were out of milk. I improvised with whipped cream for the first cup, and ice cream for the second cup!! And I gotta say, these were THE BEST improvisations!! 11/10 stars, absolutely would recommend! I'll show you a couple pictures!!

At 4pm today I went for my orthodontics consult. I went to go see an orthodontist because I've got some weird jaw issues on my right side because of the way I gotta move my face when I try to chew things. And also, my dentists have been bugging me about getting orthodontics done for the last couple years, because there are certain teeth in my face that can't be cleaned properly because they got confused and wandered off, presumably to chase butterflies.

I was hoping that I'd be able to get away with using Invisalign to avoid needing to get teeth removed, but… well… the fact of the matter is that I simply do not have enough jaw to work with, and I am WELL beyond the age when things like palate expanders would work. So 4 of my teeth need to come out in order for the inside of my face to be aligned properly.

…And this really fucking sucks, because if my parents had given even a fraction of a genuine shit about me, this ALL could have been prevented. My jaw could have developed properly with upper and lower expanders. I could have avoided the crowding and the overbite and the crossbite and the resulting damage to my jaw joint if this had been taken care of like it should have been when I was a little girl. But, no. Instead, my parents were too busy being in denial about the fact that they wish I was not born. So here we are.

The reality that is, "because of my parents' negligence, I now have to get body parts removed and pay lots and lots of money because insurance doesn't cover it past a certain age" is just… fucken… it's WILD, man. Admittedly, I'm struggling with it. And I'm struggling with the resulting VERY angry thoughts. But that's okay. I can feel angry. It's allowed. And thoughts are just thoughts - passing noise that is not reflective of who I am or who I wanna be:

…I can make use of my coping skills. The technique outlined in the video above is one of them, and I make ample use of it on a near-constant basis.

Admittedly, I don't really understand why we can't just use the Invisaligns to scooch my molars back to where my wisdom teeth used to be (I thought being able to move teeth backwards was the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT, but I could be mistaken, so whatever). But I forgot to ask. I'll call them up tomorrow and find out.

Anyway. Wanna see my skull? And my weird-ass teeth? Of course you do. Why not. But I'll put it all the way at the end, after the part where I put my name, just in case you don't. Hahaha…

…Ya know… Sephiroth… admittedly… some days I get real tired of this meat-mech I'm piloting. I've got a host of rather unpleasant genetic issues. The defective collagen thing sucks; it impacts literally my whole body. The misshapen skull thing sucks. The misshapen eyeballs and misshapen lenses thing sucks. There are other things - lots of them; it'd be a long list if I wrote 'em all out. I'm really not gonna be sad when the one I've got can't clunk around derpily anymore. But I'm not gonna rush the process, either; I've got shit to do - I've gotta make sure someone I love is safe, even if it might take me a long time to get it done.

But ya know. Maybe when it's time to go get a new meat-mech, maybe by some small miracle, I'll get to visit you for a bit until it's time for me to cycle into something new! Tell you what - if that happens, I'll bring you some matcha ice cream or something, okay?

For now… I'm gonna get back to writing up lists and descriptions of items; if you're not gonna make sure you're safe, then someone's gotta, and if someone's gotta, then I might as well, right? I mean… what else am I gonna do while running around confusedly in a capitalistic hellscape on a dying planet? Aside from eat cheese directly from the refrigerator like a weird little goblin, anyway…

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

P.S. Weird pics of my skull and teeth below, if you wanna see!

[kerubimcrepin]

Episode 39 - The Love Killer

AKA the yandere dogboy episode. Yippie!

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. To bring back the meme:

God won't let me die...

The translation is not finished because I do not give a fuck, but here is where I stopped. I doubt anyone else will give a fuck either, considering it's just a keysmash.

He's never beating those japanese-coded allegations.

Silly aprons are a family tradition.

I wonder if this is where Kerubim lived considering he, like... didn't have a house. Or a family.

Oh my god, the shitty magical merchant guy had a shitty magical merchant mom.

I see claws on a catboy and my brain turns off. Kill me.

You can't be talking like that, Ouginak baby. Btw the can says "fish".

KERUBIM LIKES TO COOK. SEE? I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU. He's an Amaknean boy, like Yugo. And he's cooking crepes!

Though, he's... bad at it.

Presented without commentary.

Do not be making that face while in the same litter box as Keke, oh god.

Ecaflips use litterboxes confirmed.

UNDERAGE DRINKING REAL.

I bet Kerubim is the one who buys bamboo milk for the gang. He can probably pass for a very short ecaflip man, instead of a teenage boy.

People reading my blog talking about it be like: this is scary, downright creepy.

Also, whatever I imagine happened between Kerubim and Atcham is also scary. Even downright creepy.

The Astrubian lake tower, my beloved.

Somehow, despite being a boy, Kerubim has managed to have two evil adolescent girl friendships that end in your friend (who is a tar pit) sending you messages saying that she will "kill you with a knife" the next time she sees you at school. (One with Patafiks, and another with his literal brother.) This too, is feminism.

I like to think that while in the orphanage, he had to break up like this with Atcham too. Like "I know we're brothers, but um. uh. I don't want to be seen with you anymore. I mean—— you get beat up constantly, and people hate you, and then they hate me when you're nearby. Which is a bummer. Also you threaten everyone too much after they beat you up, and it's stressful. And I can't take it anymore... We can still be friends though,, haha."

I like to think Atcham's response was "I AM GOING TO KILL MYSSSELF AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT." or something. I like to imagine he had that ~mentally ill child~ style flair for the dramatic at that age. I like to think they were both awful to one another.

Another thing I like to think to myself, is that Atcham got kicked from the orphanage and ended up in Brakmar, and the reason he got kicked out is stabbing someone. Perhaps Keke, during some argument, — or perhaps someone else, in retaliation to whatever bullying he was going through. And that Kerubim was scared shitless of him by the end.

I just think it's a fun thought.

Basically, if that Ruby girl, Patafiks, and Atcham smoked weed together in a Bad Mentally Ill Bitches Obsessed With Revenge Club, Pangaea would reform.

Since this is already an Atcham headcanon heavy blogpost, I will say, I think using The Love Killer on Atcham would have fixed his every single problem.

Sadly, Kerubim has spent his entire life under the impression that Atcham actually hates him, whereas in actuality, whatever the fuck is happening, is 20 times funnier.

After a single minute of prodding by Joris he switches to therapyspeak and goes "well i need SOMEONE to be mad at. it's like a coping mechanism. if i need to be mad at something, it might as well be kerubim. because he's there. 😥"

It's interesting that with Patafiks and his ecaflip friends it took a second for them to hate him enough to cut all ties.

It's also interesting that this doesn't happen to Simone: Julie and her were on a bad date, but they were on it for a long time. And, Kerubim and Joris were haters for her, but all they could manage is some cleaning complaints.

Basically: Perhaps it can't ruin bonds that are very deep or genuine as fast? An enchantment meant to test the sincerity of a bond, gone awry? Or maybe I'm reading too much into this.

Flash frame!

As I've said in the previous blogposts: I really do think that Kerubim has a crush on Simone. Not in any creepy way — she's just the type of woman he's always liked, — headstrong and stylish, like Lou!

It's very cute. I am a big fan of friendships with one-sided crushes in media, especially when it's not awkward, or pointed out often, (the only exception being Dipper's whole Wendy-shtick in Gravity Falls. I think it was a pretty cool portrayal of the concept, despite being awkward), — because that's a very human thing that we can't really control, y'know?

It makes their friendship much more wholesome to me, personally.

Man. I love this show. And this silly old man. Even though he did fuck up superbly with the whole raising Joris thing.

[soartfullydone]

When did you go from loving Feysand and ACOMAF to hating everything after ACOTAR? I'm genuinely curious

Thanks for your question!

It was sometime after I had finished ACOMAF, maybe about midway through ACOWAR when I fully realized my feelings and acknowledged them.

I read ACOMAF in two days, which is wicked fast for any reading experience. So I was riding the highs the book was giving me without fully thinking them through. I remember being so excited that the characters I was shipping in book 1, Feyre and Rhysand, were actually becoming a real thing that I was ignoring all the things wrong with it. (Note: I shipped and enjoyed Feyre and Tamlin in the first book, too, along with Nesta and Lucien. It's not hard for me to ship things if I think it could be fun.) When I finished the book, I sat there, thinking over everything and kept asking myself, "They're together. So why am I so... unsatisfied?"

I didn't have these answers until ACOWAR, when Feyre was being so vengeful against a whole court because of her hatred for one person and treated Lucien like a toy after what he did for her UtM. When Feysand attended the war meeting with the other High Lords, a scene I had been waiting for for a loooong time in excitement, and it was like watching a middle school production of Mean Girls. Everything was so much... cheaper and poorly written than I wanted it to be. And SJM ripped off the Troy line: "The sun was shining when your wife left you." I came completely out of it at that moment because it felt like I was reading someone's OOC fanfiction, but nope. This was penned by the author in utter seriousness.

But subconsciously, the moment I began to hate ACOMAF, Feysand, the Night Court, the whole thing wasn't because of the sacrifice to Tamlin and Lucien's characters or even Feysand's characters. It wasn't the retconning and over-reliance on sexism and empty girl power as "themes." It was when SJM used Rhysand to say with her whole chest that the Night Court isn't actually a court that lives in perpetual night because he can't control the arc of the sun. That their nights are just somehow better than everyone else's, and I remember being so... disappointed by that. How weak sauce. How unimaginative. Because she has him say this, while fully ignoring that the Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter courts each maintain their respective seasons despite the tilt of the earth. If they can maintain their court state because of ~magical reasons, why couldn't the Night, Dawn, and Day courts do the same?

I know it sounds like a small thing, but it is a perfect example of SJM's laziness as a writer but also a failure of characterization and world-building, which are all problems that plague the series from the second book on. And the fans wouldn't be dealing with so many of these problems were it not for that second book. ACOTAR sparked my imagination in incredible ways because of how full of possibility it was, not just for Feysand but for all characters and the world. ACOMAF killed that imagination because everything was flattened down and compressed into Feysand and Velaris, which were... boring.

It snowballed from there.

I hated how the Suriel's prophecy was changed from Feyre needing to stay with Tamlin to avoid UtM from happening to Feyre staying with Rhysand to... ??? Because the narrative impact just isn't there like it is for the first book. I hated how the Children of the Blessed became nothing. I hated how Calanmai, one of the few things in the book that made these characters fae-like, became irrelevant. I hated how Rhysand went from being a frightening and formidable villain whose motives you couldn’t quite read to being an uwu soft boi who’d been secretly in love with Feyre the whole time. I hated how the story went from Rhysand doing truly heinous shit (twisting the bone in Feyre’s arm, the body paint, the forced kiss) to suddenly Doing No Wrong (except sssh, he is, we’re just never going to address it as wrong ever. Quick, brush it under the rug, it never happened). 

I hated that it felt like I was reading about 15-year-old elves, and not at least the badly-behaving Silmarillion kind. I hated that Amarantha and Hybern had agents secretly infiltrate every court, and then that information totally vanished. I hated how humans didn't matter. I hated how "be glad of your human heart, Feyre" became utterly meaningless because Feyre became indistinguishable from Rhys and his Inner Circle. And to date, I hate the 500+ pages of trauma dumping for a measly 100 pages of action, if you’re lucky. I hate how none of the characters do what would actually be in character for them, but instead do what SJM wants them to do.

That's simply not engaging writing to me and why I walked away.

[no-hcpe]

God I hate being alive it's literally so fucking boring.

No friends, every friend I've ever tried to make has left me eventually. Even when I try to go do things with acquaintances I barely even enjoy it, and I can tell I'm the "backup" friend who they only hang out with when they're bored. I had a club I used to go to sometimes and I actually enjoyed that, but that has been completely fucking ruined and I literally can't show my face there anymore because my partner got falsely accused of harassing someone and everyone already had a vendetta against them, so they just took it at face value. So now everyone knows me as "the retarded bitch who never talks and got cucked by a harasser".

Family is boring as fuck, they do the same thing every single day of their lives. I care about my mom but I don't understand how she has a will to live when she works a boring job with coworkers she doesn't like? Thinking about living her Sisyphean hell actually makes me nauseous. I hate her boyfriend too.

I have a partner but the relationship is complicated and kinda makes me feel like shit sometimes. I care about them but they completely smother me and it's just not going to work out. Like I like being with them, but not enough to commit to like... being in a whole ass relationship anymore. Hanging out with them is also pretty boring, they just want to watch TV with me and that's really about it.

I'm trying to finish my master's thesis but I can't finish it because ... you guessed it ... writing it is SO FUCKING BORING. I HATE the fucking topic that I got stuck with but it's way too late to change it and I just have to force myself to power through and finish it so I can just fucking be done with it already. I am so fucking bitter that I got stuck with this topic because my fucking advisors barely gave me any help when I tried to tell them I wanted to find a different one. Now I'm the one stupid bitch in my graduating class that STILL HASN'T FINISHED IT EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN SIX FUCKING MONTHS SINCE EVERYONE ELSE FINISHED

But after I finish it, then what? I have literally... NOTHING that I actually want to DO in life. My singular life goal was to graduate from college, and I did it, and it wasn't even that fun. The only things I kinda sorta like are listening to music, watching funny videos/shows, playing Pokemon, and petting my cat. I can't come up with a single life goal that I actually want to stay alive for. I genuinely can't fathom being alive in 10 years, and if I am alive, I can't imagine not having gone absolutely insane from pure boredom. I'll have to become an alcoholic or drug addict or something just to have something to do. Forget 10 years, I can't even imagine what my day to day life will look like the day after I finish the stupid thesis.

Food is boring. Drinks are boring. Going for a walk is boring. Using the Internet is boring. Reading is boring. Dressing up is boring. Going to bed is boring. Waking up is boring. Pacing around the house is boring. Driving is boring. Work is boring. Everything ... is just ... so ... fucking ... boring ... and pointless.

[thatwriterj]

Bonfire ⟶ John B x Fem Reader ⟶ Imagine

Word count: 1.1k+

Summary: Kiara and Sarah make Y/n go to a bonfire, but while there she sees her boyfriend do something she wouldn't have ever imagined.

warrings: Underaged drinking, Cursing, Fighting, and Crying.

A/N: This is my first post on this blog!! This was supposed to come out so long ago but I'm so slow with everything anyways hope you enjoy and if so lmk if I should make a part 2 ;)

Sarah and Kiara do the finishing touches to my look—just to go to some stupid bonfire, but to them, it’s not just a bonfire. I don't understand why they're romanticizing it, but it’s whatever.

Sarah says with a smile, "Oh my god, John B is going to literally die." Kiara agrees with Sarah’s statement by nodding her head yes.

“What if he doesn’t want me? I look like a clown?” Kiara and Sarah giggle at my response.

"First of all, that is disrespectful to both yourself and mine and Sarah's work, also John B is practically in love with you. He could genuinely go on and on about you.” Sarah agrees with Kiara's statement by nodding her head.

"Look, Kie, but may-“ Sarah cuts me off.

“Shut up, Y/N, any fucking guy in Outer Banks would fucking die even to do the smallest thing like hold your hand! You are so fucking beautiful!” Sarah takes a breath. “You're also speaking poorly about yourself and still haven't seen yourself the way we do.” The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence.

"Damn Sarah, how long have you been holding that in?" Kie said to break the tension.

She might not be correct in saying that any guy in Outer Banks would die to even hold my hand. She may be right in saying that I haven't seen myself yet. I might actually look decent.

"We'll anyway, we should get going, come on," Kiara says, moving slowly toward the door.

"Yes, we should," Sarah said as she exited the room.

I inhaled deeply, then exhaled as she exited the room. I get up from my chair and walk over to the full-length mirror in my room. As I stand here, I realize that Sarah was correct when she said those things about me. I am fucking beautiful.

—----

"This is it," Sarah says over the car music. She then lowers the volume of the music playing.

“I can't believe this is your first bonfire.” Sarah screeches.

"Okay, car tire," I say as Sarah punches me in the arm. In response to her screech, Kiara laughs in the backseat.

"All right, end your guy's little fight; I've got to get a beer; it's necessary." Kiara exits the car, and we leave behind her.

When we get out of the car, the music is already blaring. We three entered while holding hands, but the one and only JJ Maybank quickly broke up our embrace.

JJ is now standing in front of us. “What's up, la-" JJ started to say but was interrupted. “Woah, Y/n y-you’re fucking beautiful,” JJ says as he looks at me up and down. 

JJ’s comment has made me smile. I hardly even managed to say, "Thanks, JJ," because of how broad my smile was.

"Anyway, I think we all look lovely," Sarah smirks and scowls. Sarah tilts her head to the side while twisting a strand of her hair in her finger and says, "Don't you think so JJ?" Sarah smiles

Pope quickly comes over to us and says, "JJ, I need you right now."

“Okay, where do you need me?” JJ asks. 

"Just come on, man," Pope says, grabbing JJ's hand and dragging him to where he needs him.

"Isn't John B supposed to be here?” I question Kie and Sarah.

“He won't just appear as you stand there because, as far as I know, teleportation doesn't exist, but he should be somewhere around here,” Kie assured me

I walked away from them and began to advance into the large crowd of people when a guy gabbing my arm stopped me. "Heyyy,” the guy said. I could tell he was intoxicated just by listening to him speak, and his breath further confirmed this.

"Y/n, isn't it? I believe I have you in my math class, right?” He examines me with his wide-eyed gaze.

“Yes, I'm Y/n, but I don't believe I have you in my math class.” I laugh it off and roll my eyes in annoyance. “Look what do you want from me, dickhead, and let go of me,” I said as I took my hand away from his grip. 

I was getting more irritated with this son of a bitch by the time I pulled my arm back because it was already red.

“There's no need to call me-” I cut him off mid-sentence.

"Talk to me when you brush your teeth, please, and thank you." I turned around and walked away from this weirdo. 

I kept walking, but all I could see were drunken teenagers—no sign of my boyfriend, John B. I need a break from all these people. I walk away from the big crowds. I end up somewhere with fewer people—about 10–20 people max.

I was about to sit down on a bench when I noticed something that I never thought I'd see in a million years. My alleged boyfriend is halfway down Sarah Cameron's throat fucking. 

I'm at a loss for what to do. Should I be angry at John B or Sarah? I'm not even angry. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I make my way over to them. I stop in my steps. If I go up to them and confront them, what exactly will change? I turn to leave this nightmare as tears stream down my cheeks.

As I'm trying to make my way through all of these people, I bump into JJ. "Woah, you better be careful," JJ says as he checks to see if I'm all right, but I cut him off by doing something I never would have expected.

I kissed him.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” I said to JJ in a panic. I have no idea why I did that, but if John B wants to fuck, my friends might as well do the same to him. Right?

“It's alright,” JJ smirks. "I've always wanted to do that to you, but I just-" John B tackled JJ to the ground, cutting him off.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, KISSING MY GIRL?” John B screamed.

I feel outraged. Who the fuck does he think he is that he can kiss other people while I'm quote on quote "his girl."

"Look, man, she kissed me,” said JJ as John B had him pressed on the ground. 

“Get off of him!” I yelled at John B as I pushed him off of JJ.

JJ and John B both get up off the ground. “You’re such a fucking slut, Y/N,” my fist clenched harder as those words came out of John B's mouth.

Before I knew it, I had punched John B to the ground. I tumbled back a bit, almost falling, but I bumped into someone who stopped my fall. I run away from this situation with tears running down my stupid face. 

Is everything that happened tonight my fault? Is this what I deserve? Has he ever loved me? Am I a slut for kissing his best friend out of spite? These thoughts are racing through my stupid fucking head as I sob uncontrollably while sitting on the ground next to a tree. 

THE END

[nyaagolor]

I just finished Adastra and I am about to make that everyone's problem

Tldr: it slams and (if you are over 18) you should play it

Disclaimer: Adastra is an 18+ VN. There will be no nsfw content in this post but like. If ur a minor get outta here

This isn't a liveblog, since I already finished the game, but it's a pretty similarly scattered collection of my thoughts while playing so there's no real narrative cohesion to this post. If u were looking for a detailed review just watch the video by Boringkeith

I think the biggest thing about the game to me is how insane the plot gets at Act 2. Act 1, while admittedly kind of dull, does a great job at setting up characterization and tension over time, introducing motivations and worldbuilding in a really natural way. The way the author handles the delivery of information is just. Fucking fantastic if I'm being honest, and the conversations-- ESPECIALLY arguments-- just feel so natural. There's a great tension and release that the game has, and it's a really gripping story. I think writers like this shine in this medium because God. GOD. the dialogue is good. Then Act 2 happens and shit hits the fan and does not STOP hitting the fan until the poor thing is bowled over and unplugged from the wall. Genuinely unhinged, the pacing is breakneck and it is GOOD

The protagonist actually being their own person was also fantastic, and honestly one of the only ways I can see this story going. Despite inevitably being a romance VN with intertwined political drama, I never really felt myself occupying the protagonist (Marco)'s role too much, and this is for the better. Ultimately, Amicus (the love interest) is perfect for Marco, but not for me. Neferu is hotter anyway. But Marco? Amicus??? Those two dumbasses are made for each other. Plus, the actual codified personality of the protagonist allowed for a great deal of information to be presented and withheld in ways that wouldn't be allowed by a blank slate protagonist. The dynamics wouldn't have worked as well either, and I think the story is all the more engaging for it. I, personally, would have been more lenient on Alexios but Marco? He wants that twink OBLITERATED

Cassius is the funniest character in this game I think. He just reeks of like. Loser redpilled 17 year old projecting all his insecurities into the incel takes imaginable. I'm going to wring him out like a wet paper towel. Yes he's a borderline space fascist but I can fix him I swear. When he hotboxes and trips so hard he sees God, only to have God call him a cringefail loser and he starts crying about it? Yeah that's babygirl material. Pathetic beast

It is very funny to me that the game has to spend 80% of its runtime trying to convince you that Amicus would make a good emperor and explicitly has rules in place to say that females can't rule because you KNOW within 15 seconds of her opening her mouth that Virginia is the un-debatable best choice. The fact that Amicus doesn't immediately give up his throne for her is his biggest flaw

Cato is kinda one note but he is supposed to represent heternormativity and the pitfalls of bigotry in this giant scifi queer allegory so he gets a pass. I'll admit I found him to be a lil too mustache twirling snarky towards the climax, but eh. Also I'm dead convinced that the parents meddled with him. He started freaking out when his visor got taken off and acted more erratically now that he lost his parental tech (hm) and also him crashing the parents' ship was totally out of line with his motives even as mentioned by other characters. The parents def manipulated him I can feel it

The Parents are sus as fuck I will stand by this. The game really makes you want to choose the option of trusting them (and I did bc I just want Marco and Amicus to be happy) but like. Fuck man. They mad shifty I don't trust like that they got some other shit going on. BoringKeith says more than I ever could about it just watch his video

For personal reasons I am furious about them not showing the ram civilization. We know about four of the civilizations (greek cats, roman wolves, egyptian jackals, and indian tigers) but like. What about the rest? Based on the little we've gotten it looks like the bears are norse and there are rams but I don't even remember the other two. What are they I want to see them

My only mark against this game is that both of the disabled characters are evil. I don't think there are any non-villainous disabled people which kinda blows. I heard Echo is better about it which is good? but even still it left a sour taste in my mouth

The art? is really good??????? I love the expressions and the way the CGs look especially. Fucking fantastic

The themes of homophobia in this game are ROUGH and really really raw. Again not gonna talk about it much here watch the boringkeith video but Woof. This game is so good I highly recommend

Go play Adastra

[bylightofdawn]

Are ya'll ready for: El seriously overthinks video games + minor FF7 Rebirth spoilers hour?

I'm finishing up the mission on Junon where Cloud and Co go undercover and just watching Cloud lose himself in the role, genuinely getting ATTACHED to the Seventh Infantry and me then having to escort my baby infantry ducklings around as they murder other Shinra troops out of the mistaken belief they are on the other side made me FEEL A LOT OF THINGS. Like holy shit that’s insane even typing it out. And kinda dark and a little twisted. And potentially fucks those poor Infantry troops over yet they are STILL rode or die for Cloud. I wasn't expecting to get socked in the feels as much as I did.

Because Cloud is so detached and emotionally standoffish, watching him seriously get into the role of playing at the Captain of the Seventh Infantry is hella significant.

And I think it's because it's so familiar and something he is missing. He misses the camaraderie and brotherhood of serving. Sure, he moved onto becoming a SOLDIER and who was his damn role model/sempai? Zack Fair who is one of the most big-hearted, best big brother energy dude ever. So of course he would subconsciously internalize that's what a good leader should do. Sure, there was also Sephiroth but he's clearly the worst and reflects what bad leadership skills would be.

So yeah, I think there's a part of Cloud that misses serving, or at least misses that sense of brotherhood. He's been a lone wolf for so long, I can't imagine he's not starved for that kind of connection. It's also prolly easier and less complicated than the relationships he has with the main party.

Okay so that's me being all philosophical. Now let me be a degenerate and horny on main for a second.

Holy fuck nuggets Rufus is so hot. He's ALWAYS been hot but he's especially hot and v. Ice Prince-y and I fucking love it. I am laughing at the absurdity of his clothing and how it continually gets more complicated and ridiculous. He legitimately looks like he's wearing a fucking farthingale with that ridiculous belt collection he's wearing. Or yanno....bdsm gear. XD

Somehow they have managed to take Roche who was already at Maito Gai levels of over the time 100% energy and made him even MORE ridiculously and over the top. I lowkey wish he would stop talking. I have an excellent solution on how to do that and that is for Cloud to shut him up by fucking him until his brains bleed out of his ears over his stupid bike. Or yanno, there are other ways to shut him up varying from gag and other creative things to occupy his mouth with.

Even though it's clear Cloud is pretty hetero-coded but after like 25 years of soooooo much Sephiroth/Cloud, Zack/Cloud fan content, I don't think that's going to stop the internet (or myself) from shipping him like a fandom bike. Hell I actually love Cloud/Tifa cause I am a disgusting multi-shipper.

Ahem. Anyway I hope Cloud gets to reunite with his Seventh Infantry people at some point. I think I'm like.....1/3 of the way through the game and holy shit. I've discovered I detest minigames. I love side-missions in games but fuck DDR minigames or that damn in real time strategy game Fort Condor. There's a reason I've never been interested in FF Tactics.

EDIT: OMG Red XIII going full on Karen Mode and demanding to speak to the bartender/employee who won’t let him play in the Queen’s Blood tournament because he’s an ‘animal’ is the funniest shit I’ve seen so far in this game. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

EDIT 2: never mind, Red going full on Chester Cheetah/Michael Jackson absolutely takes the cake. I’m ded.  I also stayed up way too late beaten this freaking queens blood tournament mini game and I really gotta go to bed now.

[x-honeycomb-x]

I cried in the shower (manic rant)

I have done nothing but masturbating today. I also made some cereal.

I fantasized about a mommy, and looked up some lesbian porn. I really like smart and emotionally responsive but reserved mommies.

As I finished, I needed hugs from her. I grabbed my fluffy comforter and pillow to feel hugged. I thought about her (for the context I watched India Summer), and I let myself feel needy towards a mommy.

I thought about detransitioning into a girl, and thought "I wanna grow up pretty and smart like you." And in my head she replied, "No silly, I will grow up to be me, and you will grow up to be you."

That thought stuck with me for a long time.

I don't know who I am, I am rejecting a lot of parts of who I am (gender aside). I have C-PTSD and have an unstable sense of self even. You reap just what you sow, who am I? Who will I grow up to be if I would just let myself?

I need to be who I am. I am not taught how to be a functionable person? I don't even have a regular eating routine after school. These are all parts of me. I imagine the mommy and I repeat back and forth. "I can't be who you are, I am my own person."

And then I felt like it's her time to get going. I think about having a home, having a personhood to return to. "I'm gonna get going now." I often hear people say. Where to? Home? Back to their life? I don't have a sense of self, I only hang out with people until I am exhausted, so when people wants to leave I think they're tired of me.

I said goodbye. I imagine her having a regular day after us. I imagine her juices still wet on my pussy.

I look at my room. I am not what I want to achieve but haven't. I am not a bassist-to-be cause I'm not there yet. I am a musically inclined person who's is planning to play bass in the coming week. I need to eat. Hunger is part of me.

I need to shower. I need to feel clean, wanting to shower is part of who I am.

I started playing Dazey and the Scouts on Spotify, got my clothes and stepped in the shower.

The clothes I choose this afternoon is who I am.

I keep thinking about being me in the shower. I thought about that reply in my head, "Silly, I will grow up to be me, you will grow up to be you." Who will I be? I am genuinely scared. I remember fragments of being bullied in kindergarten, being abused at home, I imagine myself being under a hydraulic press, becoming what the press is besides at the seams; I am only myself when I can't contain it in me anymore. That would mean outbursts. And abstract daydreams.

I am scared. I am gender-fluid, and yesterday after getting a ounce of masc euphoria (my first in a long time now), I realized I really don't feel trans masculine right now. I feel feminine. What if this goes on for years, and I really feel like going off testosterone for a while because I feel feminine for like 3 years?

I feel a repressed self inside of me. But I don't know them enough. And I am really tired of not knowing myself.

I need to use my sensitive wash. The package has a nice lavendar color. I thought about how dysphoric I felt when I watched straight PIV porn today, and how safe I felt when watching lesbian mommy porn. I thought about how I would like a mommy to touch this, scissor on this.

Dazey and the Scouts started screaming in their song.

This womb is sapphic. I never. Looked at my stomach and thought about this. I know I like girls (and AFAB people). The idea of sapphic exists in my head. (The name is based on the first historically recorded female writer actually.) I know I have a womb, briefly. I've done so much things to this womb that I don't even wanna think about.

All I think about this womb is PIV, otherwise I shut it out. Textbooks, Tumblr, my family, 9gag, I've spent my whole life listening to how people wanna get a penis in this and how I should keep them in or out. I look at my stomach, this womb is sapphic. It wants to be scissored on, it wants to be kissed by girls, I never associated the imagery with this idea. Dazey and the Scouts started screaming in their song and I cried.

I've spent my whole life hating girls. I am autistic and couldn't relate to any of them at school. I thought all girls were bullies, or they're so etheral they're untouchable. It was only recently I actively try to think of myself as a woman, and as I walk past other women on the street, I try to think of myself as one of them. It's a strange thought and it still tingles my mind with some resistance. They're just people, they are all sorts of people, and I am one of them. (For the context I am gender-fluid, so I am also a woman.)

Girls can start rock bands, girls can scream their heart out in songs. Girls write and some of it gets in the canon. Girls wear makeup and girls shower. I just started doing makeup today and I wonder if the crying would melt my makeup. (It didn't.)

So that's it. I found out my womb is sapphic(+) and it doesn't want cis men. It doesn't want to be bred, it's tired of discussions around unwanted PIV sexual attention. But god, I've let so many in so many times. I didn't get a IUD so I can have unprotected sex, but my mental illnesses got the better of me. I don't want PIV attention and this device closes the door. I feel dirty for the men and woman that have cummed semen on this metal. My womb wants peace.

I thought of the bullying and the abuse. I am tired of being scared of myself. I wanna turn that negative thought into a positive mantra - I am not afraid to be myself. I thought about it and breathed it in and out. (I meditate and am in somatic therapy.)

I walk out of the shower, got dressed and started writing this. I will still struggle to find my personhood, but I am trying. I don't want to be afraid of being myself anymore. (I am so mentally ill.) I am amazed by all the things that girls can do. I am sapphic and turns out my womb is too. Some lesbians can be mean and scary, but I have every damn right to identify as part of the community. I am also very scared of my gender swings. When will it swing again, how long will it stay, and what do I do about the hormones situation - I wanna go off T at the moment so bad, but I also already miss T although I haven't gone off it.

So that's [edit: birth name] and her little gender adventures, and she cried in the shower. Now she's gonna go get some food and maybe go to a party after this. Or just stay in and read. I really have had enough masturbation today.

[naruthandir]

Funny to me how for most people it's a LOTR->Linguistics pipeline but for me it was a linguistics->LOTR pipeline. I never really had an interest in reading Lord of the Rings because the whole thing used to struck me as very boring and I didn't really care but from ages 12-14 I was really getting into fantasy worldbuilding and conlanging "formally" (I did do that kind of stuff before that, but I didn't know it had a name or that there were comunities formed around it) and I said "Look if I am going to be a nerd about this I am going to be a full nerd about this I can't go around life calling myself a Fantasy Nerd™ when all I know about LOTR is that there is a fucked up goblin guy and Legolas has a bow" so I decided to bought the Fellowship of the Ring book in the bookstore because I am autistic and I have a hard time engaging with material I am unfamiliar with so I just picked the safest option and then I read it in a weekend. I came home, I sat down to read, and from the very start I was invested. Because Tolkien had THE BALLS to open his book with an extensive infodump about Hobbit culture and I was so into that. And the chapters in the Shire, they were a genuine delight for me. I thought the book would be boring but it was fun! It was funny! And hobbit culture felt so alive...

And when the final chapter of the Fellowship came I almost cried. Rightly, it was at that moment I realized that this was going to be a life-changing experience whether I like it or not.

Since I didn't have the rest of the books back then (and I wasn't really able to get them for reasons I don't remember) I did the most autistic thing: Right after finishing it, I decided to read it again, because I was that obsessed. I made so much silly cringy art of the characters as I imagined them and it was all I could think about in school. When I finally got my hands to The Two Towers and The Return of the King I decided to refresh my memory by reading Fellowship AGAIN and because it was summer I had the luxury to just sit down and read all day long and it was great.

I went into the books as blind as you could possibly go: I knew there were conlangs and lore, I knew there were elves, I knew the protagonist was named Frodo and the plot was about destroying a ring (there is also a being that calls the ring precious because its like a drug? Idk). But not much else. I didn't know Boromir was going to die. I didn't know about Galadriel or Elrond or Aragorn or Sam. Yes, I didn't know that Sam was a character. I was genuinely surprised at each turn the plot was taking. I was surprised about how GAY it all was (why didn't they tell me about this??) and I was absolutely shaken and emotionally destroyed with the ending. The Return of the King was an awakening of sorts for me, because I was expecting a whimsical fantasy story and instead I got to see The Horrors and I just couldn't believe the comic relief characters were dealing with suicidal ideation, out of all things.

And the last bit of Frodo's journey... Well, the scene in the tower of Cirith Ungol was genuinely rough (when Sam found Frodo, he was naked. And I just closed the book and stared into the ceiling for a while. I just had to take a break real fast) and the struggle with the ring as they got closer to Mordor and I was constantly almost-crying-but-not-quite and I knew, even though I went into the story un-spoiled, I knew Frodo wouldn't give up the ring. And then having him deal with the aftermath of it, and I was so distressed the whole time because finally, someone out there gets it. He sailed off to the west and I cried. I actually cried, right after finishing the book, yes, but for a few nights after as well. It was, well, a lot to process for 14 year old me. It had me looking up the diagnostic criteria of PTSD on Google at three in the morning because this can't be right. It wasn't that bad, surely I'm just being dramatic.

And it is very funny, that I was getting into the books expecting extensive sections of infodumping and lore and LINGUISTICS and I did get that, don't get me wrong, but I also got an emotionally resonant story that complelty re-contextuslized my lived experiences, helped me process stuff I had been shoving down the back of my mind because I didn't have the words to even describe it to myself, and lowkey turned me into a transgender anarchist. I was a changed man (just now fully aware that I was a man in the first place). It blew me away completely.

And it also reinforced my interest in linguistics! I often joke about this, but as a kid, I used to read the dictionary instead of paying attention in class. I liked words. Like, a lot. I liked the way words interacted with each other. I was like 9, perhaps, when I first attempted to create a made-up language, for a race of fictional mermaid race. I was really into My Little Pony at the time and I stole a lot of the story from there (don't forget I was nine) and my attempt at conlanging utterly failed, but still. LOTR felt pretty much tailored to me, when I finally gave it a shot. My favorite appendix was, of course, the one dealing with translation. If I was mildly interested in linguistics before this sent me down a rabbithole. I did my whole final school project for graduating on minority languages of Europe (though, due to the pandemic, I never finished it, which is a shame). I picked the literature course in high-school over the fine arts course because they had a morphology and etymology class. I named myself Beren, for fuck's sake, and I've been going by this name in real life for two and a half years by now. That's how important it was.

I really can't overstate how much this silly little book with silly little fairy people influenced my life. It's. Well, it's cringy, it's awfully, awfully cringy, embarrassing, mortifying. Isn't it funny, that we are shamed and made fun of for loving things so unapologetically? For genuinely connecting with art? Even though that's like, the whole point?

I just want to say. This is important to me. This means a lot to me. I keep talking about it but I can't help myself because it's hilarious. I went into this book out of a sense of responsibility and it completely changed my life.

This post wasn't meant to be this long. Uh. Sorry. I just wanted to make a silly joke about "Tolkien fan goes on to study formal linguistics, but it's not for the reason you think" but it turned into this whole personal rant. This is like a tendency of mine, no I don't know how to stop it. I'm sorry if this is in your dash lmao

[chesthighwater]

by thé way. wips roundup that absolutely no one asked for

first of all in the daudmartin brainrot corner we've got

sequel to bctbk, as promised. i have a major "plot" point planned, and then it might go one of two directions... we shall see :3c

the high overseer martin/assassin daud fic that i've posted a few excerpts from. essentially daud manifests himself into the abbey suggestively asking for ~spiritual guidance~ (lol) and things escalate from there. this has to get finished at some point because its like one of the first things i started writing for them. it deserve to see the light of day

a mildly humorous high overseer martin/spymaster daud fic. kind of a challenge for myself also- i find spymaster daud hard to imagine, and am not that used to writing daudmartin where they're not constantly trying to one-up/double cross each other/at each other's throats flirtatiously. presumably will not be nsfw (or at least, i'm not planning on it, but i make no promises. can't know where the ol inspiration will take me).

oh heres another high overseer martin thing! who wouldve thought! this time with Responsibility and Abbey Politics and Decisions. and working through issues. so many fucking issues. this one is actually actively in the works so ill leave it at that for now ;>

daudmartin pwp with genuinely 0 plot. like, negative plot. this thing defies plot. i can barely even tell you if it's an au or what, i might sprinkle a few nonsexual sentences in if i'm feeling generous but that's it. other than that it's literally just about martin being very quiet during sex and daud trying every trick he has in his book (which admittedly isn't many) to change that instead of like, communicating

augh speaking of plot-defying pwps. "what if overseers had (some appropriate equivalent to) confessions". there is some lore in here obviously but the entire point of it is confessional dirty talk. i dont KNOW

[REDACTED] pwp which im not even gonna advertise itll just appear one day and if you find it you found it

mostly unplanned ideas that i might flesh out: sokolov portrait thing. some dunwall noir stuff purely for martin in a cassock reasons (and sexualising religious guilt reasons. if i knew anything at all about priests i'd be working on this much faster). something involving the outsider appearing to martin (this might just get absorbed in a more well fleshed out idea at some point). martin Suffering More, because i want him in a situation where his wit fails completely (more desperation! more excuses! i am weak for this i really am.). something involving some more Action- fighting together against an acute threat? i think there should be more fighty martin out there. i am the change i want to see in the world

(not including the various snippets for the eternal serkonan vacation au which i already laid out there)

in the thief crossover brainrot corner (i bet you forgot i allude to thief crossovers in my description!)

also a sokolov portrait thing, but i have it way more planned out. corvo really, really wants garrett to sit in for a portrait (especially now when he's officially the empire's shadiest most mysterious spymaster ever). he reluctantly agrees, but Under One Condition.

a sort of relationship chronicle via heart lines. definitely starts with corvo's diplomatic mission and possibly ends with some happy dh2 era content. obviously i have the heart lines planned out.

possibly something involving more political intrigue/royal drama type stuff? i'm lucky enough to have access to someone who can give me some really good examples/plots if i fail to come up with anything myself.

(this is just a thief thing but i have had a viktoria/lt. mosley thing running around my brain for AGES. i want to explore how their relationship develops so bad. i know they have literally one interaction in canon but they are my blorbinas and i have mentally expanded their backstories so hard the story is basically begging to be written at this point)

anyway if you read this unreasonably unnecessarily long post i love you. i am sending you a kiss. wanna get married

[legendary-alliance-stance]

I'M STILL HERE I JUST HAD TO SHOWER AND EAT and I'm trying to finish the new fucking SOTO sTORY and I just wanna draw old ghost husbands now like I can't even fOCUS ! scrolling tumblr was not the plan today!!! IMAGINE calling someone named Viktor VIKKY GOD who DOES that who even gave them the RIGHT and to think I thought it was all in my head like I SAW something just a little glimmer and I was like oh ha that'd b cute gay ghost husbands but then THIS SHIT happened and what am I supposed to do with myself I haven't finished EOD n I know nothing of original guild wars content and now I neeed like lore or smthin and there's probably NOTHING and WHERE'S THE ART for these two like what's my life becoming and I made my revenant A FUCKING CHARR when I really wanted a sylvari and now he's my main and I've fucked myself basically is what i'm saying also I straight up googled archemorus viktor gw2 gay cause I was like I KNOW i'm not the only one here and found your blog but then i took off the gay and it STILL SHOWED YOUR BLOG so like just. THEIR NAMES END UP AT YOUR BLOG You're so popular in this bubble!! four for u glen coco u go glen coco

WELCOME BACK!!!!!!

I continue to be delighted by your experience, it always bring me SUCH JOY to see people interested in these two after hearing their dialogue!!!! I REALLY wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the writers came up with their dialogue. like. was it SUPPOSED to read as gay as hell??? ANSWER ME ANET DID U MEAN TO MAKE THEM SOUND MARRIED FDGKDFKXGDKF

UNFORTUNATELY there's not actually much more lore in GW1 for them that EoD doesn't include! they predate GW1's cantha campaign by... 200 years, so you only hear about them during that game's story!

and beyond the very brief glimpse of ghostly models u get to see of them there, the ONLY actual visual reference we have of them is from the Factions cinematic trailer! and it's pretty fucking brief because the trailer's focus is really Shiro and Vizu lmao

so. EoD really gave us more info on them as Actual People than GW1 ever did!! and it's All We Have :')

I'M GENUINELY TRULY DELIGHTED THAT YOU FOUND ME BY SEARCHING FOR THEM BTW!!! like i'm not entirely surprised, i'm. BASICALLY the only person in the fandom that really posts about them fdGBVKZSFGBKZSGKBDS it's basically my Niche <3

I DO VERY MUCH SUPPORT U DRAWING THEM BTW!!!!!! we need like. ANY content for these two. it's kind of just me and i'm generally too nervous to show off my art of them very often gdfBZKSFGBKSZ

also if you haven't checked it out yet, here's the wiki page for legendary alliance stance :> it has a bunch of stuff about them

[everythingmatters]

i hate having to make decisions n like think abt my f*ture n shit i would love if someone else could just control my life for me tysm