no-hcpe - Tumblr blog

[no-hcpe]

I'm going to [doesn't even consider self-censoring bc letting pop psychology influence your behavior is cringe] fucking kill myself dude

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I feel like the loneliness of a person with SzPD is usually overlooked, I'm guessing it is because people assume we can't feel it but that is far from the truth, the loneliness is always there for us and some are occasionally haunted by it.

We're still humans at the end of the day, a naturally gregarious species that depends on each other for pretty much everything, being a schizoid is like living against your own nature and have you seen what that does to a living being? They start to develop stereotypical behaviors and some have a huge impact on their neurological health, causing irreversible damage.

The loneliness I feel as a schizoid person is a strange one, hard to explain but if I had to name it, I would call it "Void", a void that never goes away, sometimes I can ignore it, other times it hurts like a dagger cutting my chest open.

I don't miss the interaction, being around people or going out with my friends, I miss what I was supposed to be as a gregarious species, I long to feel the warm people talk about, the love, care and empathy that are supposed to give color to our lives, I guess my kind of loneliness can be summed to what I never had and know will never be able to have and feel.

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avpd/szpd culture is experiencing "love" more like a reptile would--in the sense that you are familiar to me and I appreciate you, however I cant feel any deep emotional connection to you.

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Nothing I do seems to make a difference anymore. I smile, it doesn't matter. I bite, it doesn't matter. My heart always stays closed, and the world passes by like rain on my windowpane. I've lost all my teeth.

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A commonly overlooked symptom of depression is anhedonia, the inability to feel joy or pleasure. The reason that it's easy to overlook is that it's easier to miss the absence of something that's not around all the time than it is to miss a symptom that causes active distress, such as feeling tired and miserable all the time.

Anhedonia is good at being a persistent undercurrent to your life. My aunt, who has major depressive disorder, related to me that she figured out that something was wrong when she looked at the daffodils she had planted blooming, and couldn't recognize the emotion that she felt when she looked at them. It had been long enough since she had felt happy that she lost the ability to recognize the emotion.

It's a particularly dangerous depressive symptom, because it robs you of the ability to feel those little spots of joy that keep a lot of people going, while not doing anything to impair your ability to function. If you don't know that this is a treatable symptom of depression, it's easy to assume that your ability to feel good is permanently broken, and decide to commit suicide because you don't want to live like that. It's not an irrational conclusion, but it is an uninformed one, and everyone deserves to have all the information when making a major decision.

This is what a lot of questionnaires are trying to look for when they ask about "loss of enjoyment". If you can't remember a loss of enjoyment because you can't remember enjoyment, then you probably have anhedonia. If you struggle to define how it is to feel "happy", "content", or "good", or how it feels when you feel those emotions, you probably have anhedonia. If you can't remember feeling any of those emotions for a week or more, you probably have anhedonia.

Symptoms commonly co-occurring with anhedonia are fatigue (often the cause), clear and thoughtful consideration of suicide, loss of desire to socialize or do activities that used to make you happy, and weight loss (due to lack of enjoyment of food).

This section is anecdotal. In what I have observed, anhedonia due to fatigue rarely responds well to depression treatment unless depression was causing the fatigue. If fatigue and anhedonia are co-occurring and are not both alleviated by depression treatment, consider other causes for the fatigue.

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I wish I had more control. Over anything. Over when and where I was born, if I was even born at all. Over what other people think of me. Over my own thoughts and emotions and actions. I have a car and a driver’s license; there’s no reason for me to feel trapped in my house, but I do. Even when I go out to work or to eat I feel like a hamster running in a ball. I could do anything I want with my time, but somehow I don’t do anything. I don’t have any wants. Well, I have a few, but they’re complicated, things I can’t just go out and get. All my life the things I’ve really truly wanted have been unobtainable or nearly unobtainable: to travel to another universe, to go back in time, to meet a famous dead person, to live a completely different life in another country, to be the same age forever, to be someone else entirely. Now what I want… If you’re asking me purely in the abstract, without consideration for the difficult parts, I’d want to be either a renowned researcher or a mildly famous musician. But being in graduate school made me suicidal, and I don’t play any rock or pop instruments or have any friends to be in a band with. So I just go through the motions, doing nothing, and trying to forget that I have any wants at all. Trying to figure out a way to live like this, like so many other people can apparently do. Trying to stamp out my childish “chosen one” mentality. Trying to be okay with being submerged in my own mediocrity, at least temporarily. I think facing my own capability for mediocrity is the scariest shit I’ve ever done.

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90% of sufferers quit right before they figure out how to give their suffering meaning

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im going to *remembers suicide jokes are funny and potentially conducive to ensuring the most annoying people on the planet want nothing to do with me* fucking kill myself

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(english butler voice) Will you be making an attempt on your life this evening, sir?

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going on a stranger's blog, liking the one textpost they made about wanting to kill themselves, then leaving without following

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I could get over anything as long as I have something new to be obsessed with

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