#but I truly don’t feel like I am
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It’s hard to believe I deserve anything good when I’ve been subjected to so much cruelty.
#ryan.txt#cptsd#ptsd#trauma#traumatized#like I know I have to believe I’m good enough#but I truly don’t feel like I am#I feel inadequate#I feel worthless#I feel like a failure#it feels like all I deserve is abuse
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I love how neferiously hugh laurie delivered his lines in that 5x1 scene where house is blackmailing wilson. because the dialogue could’ve been conveyed in a manner that was obviously facetious and unserious (like the way RSL was playing the scene: “You’d jeopardise a patient—? 😒🙄) but he literally chose to go “If it keeps you here😈👹” in the most deadass, diabolical tone. so the result is that we have house sounding like a genuine psychopath as he threatens to let a woman die and then wilson proving he’s an even BIGGER one by responding with, like, mild exasperation at best. 10/10 dynamic no notes
#I know I yap about this 24/7 but I can’t get over it#I feel like the actors being on such wildly different wavelengths when it comes to hilson is what makes it so REAL#barring the true angst of the early seasons#they’re in different genres altogether sometimes. chef’s kiss#house will say something in a way that is honest to god giving dark romance#and then wilson responds with the air of bugs bunny#and that’s the essence of their characters and relationship as a whole#and probably why they’ve been trapped in a game of gay chicken for 20 years#house md#hilson#house/wilson#greg house#gregory house#james wilson#hatecrimes md#does this make grammatical sense? I am running on redbull adderall and 2 hours of sleep so I truly have no clue#and by grammatical sense I mean tumblr-wise of course#is it coherent? should be the question#actually don’t tell me. ion wanna know
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My old art teach who taught me so much and helped me prepare my college portfolio now full on supportive of AI art and videos they even opened classes dedicated to it, they post oh so proudly of how fast the students in their ai class ‘improve’ and how ‘efficient’ they draw. They’re a great artist I looked up to them since middle school but now they don’t even draw anymore all they post is AI stuff because it’s “where the future is headed traditional art is not worth it anymore” I don’t know how to feel maybe disappointment but mostly just hollow
#bearz rambling tag#cw ai#cw ai art#tagging this bc ik people don’t like this topic#I dont either#vent#man the feeling of having someone you look up to turning against what you fight for you whole life#I know it’s probably truly where the future is heading#it just#hurts a little bit#ya know#sorry for#talking a lot lately#I am drawing#will post later in the future m
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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A highly feverish Yuma and Makoto 🌡️ (39.05 c)
This was an art trade I received from BBQchap0 on twitter ✨
Small Rambling below
original and copy, same body, same mind, same frail immune system (they often get sick at the same time)
The 2 worlds greatest minds are going to have to take some time off working today. They’ve unfortunately both been afflicted by a sudden spiking fever and can hardly move. As they lay in bed, fatigued, aching, and sweating through their clothes, they could only struggle to try to help themselves.
This is such an attractive piece. I think I’m in love...
I could go on about this but, I'm literally about to combust 😳💦
In shorter words:
This is the most lovely art trade I have ever gotten and one of the most gorgeous pieces of art I've ever gotten in my entire life.
I cannot praise it enough, this belongs in a legit art gallery... I'm so honored to have gotten something this pretty I could cry...
💕💦(┬┬﹏┬┬) 💦💕
HOW did they make these disheveled sick boys look so BEAUTIFUL??? I can legit FEEL their struggle, its too good I could die
What a vision…makoto's uninterested yet tired expression...yuma with the thermometer in his mouth as his clone weakly assists him...and those glorious skin flush tints of red and pink coupled with the beads of sweat and messy hair…
AND THOSE COLORS…
Yeah. I’m not normal 🫠
Its…perfection
#whumpcode#not mine#art made for me#rain code#rain code spoilers#yuma kokohead#makoto kagutsuchi#makoyuma#illness whump#fever whump#also no im not back i just wanted to share#I don’t often say this about an art piece#but this is DELICIOUS i want to devour this#now this is a 5 star meal right here#first time art makes me feel some kinda way o///o#its that powerful and I cannot AVERT MY GAZE FROM IT#I AM ATTRACTED TO THIS ARTWORK#NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I SEEN SUCH BEAUTY#TRULY A SPECTACLE OF THE AGES#I cannot get over it#i am very normal about this image#and the artist says they don’t mind trading w me again sometime#WITH QUALITY LIKE THIS SIGN ME TF UP#tho my art is scrap compared to this majesty#it almost feels unfair… 😅#i am not worthy of this kind of art help#this piece is incredible and should be seen by everyone
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if you pick s5, do me a favor and tell me what’s your second favorite in the tags!! I’m just asking as someone who’s still really new to the fandom - I’m curious what the general consensus is on the most popular season :))
#my guess is that s4 is the general fan favorite but I honestly don’t know!! I’m curious!!!#malevolent#malevolent podcast#sunny polls#so far I am a s5 girly honestly. the medieval escapades just bring me such joy#but I won’t truly know until it’s finished#second favorite I’d probably have to say s4????#I wanna say s3 since it impacted me the most. but it also just makes me rlly sad and mad at Arthur 80% of the time so#but s4 is a fun time#idk. honestly I don’t know!!! I feel like my favorite is just whatever’s the most recent lmao#bc I like John and Arthur more and more the longer they know each other <3
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oh so THAT’S what you guys meant about persona 4.
#finally seriously attempting to finish it. just got to naoto’s whole. thing. jesus christ#btw i thought playing persona 5 on the family tv was bad but NOTHING prepares you for your 55 year old mother#watching you play through rise’s midnight channel scene. truly. and i can’t even explain what the hell is going on because I DONT KNOW#i am enjoying it though. i’d die and kill for nanako in a heartbeat#and i’m very slowly getting dojima to stop neglecting her which is great 😐👍#deeply scared for what is to come though because i still don’t know JACK SHIT#i feel like at this point in persona 5 i at least had a suspect. like i knew akechi was WEIRD at the very least#anyways. wish me luck everyone i haven’t actually saved naoto yet and im pretty sure im very underleveled#personal
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he cooked ! he served !! HE ATE😮💨🥵
#& WHAT A GOOD MORNING IT WAS YEEESH WOOF WOOOOF#HE ROSE UP FROM THE 💀 HONEY HE DOES IT ALLLL THE TIME😌💅🏻#bruh this chapter actually brought ME back to life I stg#I actually cannot express how Fyo in this fancy fit has rewritten my DNA I’ll literally never recover#no bc also why does Fyodor hold the sword like that ya know-🌝👁️👁️#we got an outfit change & a plan reveal & FINALLY his ability confirmed !!!#I feel so validated for getting the majority of its aspects right🤭 were y’all’s theories close or are ya mind blown#I am v sad for Bram & Aya😭 but I truly don’t think he’s gone !! his body is an unded🧛🏻 after all#but also Bram pls let Fyo keep this fit TY😶🌫️ he had no right to look THIS GOOD IN IT my gaaaaawsh#I drew this like a maniac yesterday for insta but am finally getting to post here🫰#fyodor#fyodor dostoevsky#fyodor fanart#bsd fyodor#bsd#bsd fanart#bungou stray dogs#bungou stray dogs fanart#bungo stray dogs#bungo stray dogs fanart#fanart#bram bsd#artists on tumblr#artists of tumblr#bsd 114.5#bsd manga#bsd spoilers#anime#manga#manga panel redraw
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my gma told me that my mom used to wake up, eat breakfast, then study for 12 hours straight. every fuckin day. and my gpa would bring her food and tell her to take breaks bc of how immersed she was. she’s literally my role model forever
#I want to be on that level of sheer focus/passion w everything I do#this is what I remind myself of whenever I’m lazy or I don’t feel like putting in the hours. like my mon did THAT every day#I rly am intrinsically motivated bc of her and she also showed me that you truly can love science even in a broken education system#ofc being raised in her image did predispose me to science but I’m also so grateful it’s an organic love#and that I’m not doing it for something as dumb as prestige or money. like I genuinely adore it#and I was never raised in a gIrL MaTh household like my mom made it clear math was very fun to me since I was like 2#and I think that influenced my confidence in pursuing stem/medicine bc I grew up watching my mom solve differential equations for fun#I also love how suffused she was in her studies. that must’ve felt so rewarding. I strive to be that way too#she also taught me it’s possible to be smart AND pretty and that has been the motto my whole life#I luv my mom post no. 8272662 I just had to say it#p
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✨ we’re broken down on memory lane…
#originally i wanted to use this concept for the fame < infamy ‘i like the way i feel when i think of you. too much green to feel blue’#but then this song came up as 8ball and i thought ‘yeah.’#so yeah#who am i without star imagery truly#THIS ONE GETS A SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT TO MR. ALONE TOGETHER WE’RE ALONE HIMSELF#andy alonetogether <3 who made this image his laptop bg#spi.arts#fob#fall out boy#don’t you know who i think i am?#infinity on high#ioh#tourdust#fanart#art#fob art#fall out boy art
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oh my god oh my god oh my GODDDDDD i can’t BELIEVE i found these on my little rainy october thrift shop wander this morning. like, one would have been more MORE enough. but both?? at once??? i am quite simply floating and may never touch back down to earth
#obviously given that it was second hand i don’t know if alex’s autograph is legit#but from my (untrained and overly hopeful) eye it looks very much like it could be???#anyone who’s more expert in these things feel free to weigh in!!#and the photo book#aghhhhhhhhh#i have been wanting to get my hands on a copy for AGES#there’s something so special and atmospheric about matt’s photography that i’m just obsessed with#and to be able to actually look at them in physicality all together like that is truly something else#i also love that it’s designed like a passport obviously because of the whole album concept#but also because it truly does feel like a little glimpse into their world when they were making it#god what am i meant to do with the rest of my day after this??? 😭#(put the humbug album on and look through the photo book of course. and maybe even a little fic writing if my heart rate slows enough)#god bless whoever donated these and whatever luck allowed me to find them today 💜💜💜#i was in need of a bit of a pick me up and by god did this go above and beyond#sorry for how nonsensical all of this has probably been#i’m just#i’m feeling a lot rn 😭#arctic monkeys#alex turner#lulu posts
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I’m just a girl (a fanfic writer) standing in front of a boy (my ao3 readers) asking him to love her (leave a comment)
#i’m just a girl#it’s not even that they don’t like it because they leave kudos and subscribe or bookmark#and I am SUPER grateful for that engagement#but it also kind of makes me feel like I’m screaming into the void#because I post fic to open a convo with other fans not for validation#at this point i truly wonder if i should just write but post nothing#anyway#ao3#fanfic#fanfiction#ao3 writer#ao3 fanfic
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fun side effect (thats so not the right word but idc) of being aro is that while everybody else is in love with fictional characters, i just really want to be their friend!!! i just really really really want to give them a hug & make them a nice warm drink (yes i am one of those people that makes drinking tea their whole personality. what about it.) like. i just. i want to listen to them rant about their life & how their day was. I WANT TO LISTEN TO THEM INFODUMP‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ugh. just please be neurodivergent with me for a minute. please. guys. autism. please.
#also nd does not just mean adhd/autism but that is what i’m referring to here‼️‼️#also i am actually autistic i am not just saying autism for no reason LMAO#but uh yeah. anywyas. love my silly little guys. just want to give them a hug & listen to them rant#please please pkease tell me about your special interest or current hyperfixation or whatever#i want to hear everything tell me every single little detail i love you#ALSO ON THAT NOTE!!!! i experience platonic love SO FUCKING AGGRESSIVELY#and i feel like alloromantic people do not understand that as much???#like i said to one of my friends thst they were ‘one of my best friends’#and they were like wdym. u only have one best friend. and i was like bro. actually i love you all so intensely so don’t even say that man#like i just. ugh. i love ny friends so much. platonic love is truly sososososoo beautiful & we need to appreciate it more bc what.#anywyas.#aromantic#aro#arospec#tea#comfort character#autism#adhd#yeah idk that’s all i got#oh one more.#martin blackwood#bc that is really who i’m talking about here lets be so real
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I think most people believe that time away from a parent, even a good one, is inherently wrong. Like it’s the worst thing that could happen. & I just politely request that folks think about what happens when kids don’t have that option. Kids that are forced away from good parents that have made mistakes. Parents that just needed a little time.
Maybe I’m being dramatic but Eddie is going through a mental health crisis right now. He needs some time. His child is with people he can trust. He’s still safe. He’s loved. They both need some time.
#911 spoilers#eddie diaz#911 abc#christopher diaz#I feel like I am being a smidge dramatic lol#but truly. this is not a privilege that many families have.#like idk. it’s bothering me a little bit that people are so resistant to it and think it means he’s a failure#good parents make mistakes. good parents need time even when they think they don’t#kids deserve a say in where they go. they deserve the right to have their voice heard#Eddie could’ve put his foot down and said absolutely not but he didn’t
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I love the rhyming on ttpd. can only think of two examples currently but I know there’s more.
#the dancing phantoms on the terrace do they get second hand embarrassed#is e v e r y t h I n g#but also I can’t stop thinking about:#you. look. like. taylor swift. in this light—we’re lovin’ it#like just the flow. the cadence. not even just the rhyme but#her ease with language and playfulness with it and all the little pockets and corners of so many songs#even ones you think you don’t like. settle in with time!#like the thing about taylor is that she is VERY much a poet#in that some of her genius/way with words is innate#and the images and stuff she uses the turns of phrase can feel so garish and embarrassing on first listen#they JAR#but honestly I think it’s because she is truly …. new? she is doing something NEW#and the shock and outrage that always goes with new things is always present with a Taylor album#and I think she’s drawing on so much from the past to write but she is so deeply rooted in the present cultural moment#so it’s so easy to dismiss her writing on first glance as like. idk a college girl’s idea of poetry#as being too Stark or Melodramatic.#she loves OBVIOUS imagery and extremely dramatic ones too#but she isn’t actually just throwing stuff at the wall#because pretty much always. it starts to land and soften and settle#and the image she’s chosen has done its job of drawing you into a world#and/or communicating an emotion#and sometimes it’s so upsetting. like. get me out of the bedroom with Matty Healy taylor!!!!!!!!!! but. the art is art-ing!#I guess is what I’m saying. she’s good at this it isn’t just hype#but some of it really is that she’s taking us places we might not want to go or are so quick to pass judgment on#as being unworthy of a song or more importantly a poem. but present art HAS to do that#and does do it!!!!!! idk I am just. musing
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if you ever doubt how WHITE Seattle is, know that I just did an audition for THIS ROLE
because they specifically called me in for it
#i was originally just called in to read for OTHER people at auditions. like. not to audition but to be the person reading the other part#because my friend is the casting director. but i joked to her ‘’cannot believe you called me in to read this BLACK WOMAN show’’#and she was like ‘’i just need someone with melanin! and im like girl my dad is black but not like this!!! i feel ridiculous!!!’’#and the director apparently REALLY liked me and was like ‘’why is she not auditioning??’’#and if he had asked ME i would have said ‘’because i am WHITE. SIR.‘’#but here we are!!!!!#girl my dad is black but he is PUERTO RICAN#and I am WHITE (passing)#no one looks at me and is like ‘’ooh she’s mixed’’ people look at me and are like ‘’…..jewish? filipino? greek? what is this’’#anyway i’m really like 👀👀👀 at this because like? should i turn this down if i’m offered it?#the director is black but like. surely there has to be a conversation about how fucking white i look babes#like. they’re gonna cancel me!!! they’re gonna call me rachel dolezal girl why are you doing this to me????#really truly do not know what to do about it#HOPEFULLY i just don’t get the fucking role and don’t have to worry about it
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